Chapter XV: A Sto-o-rm at Sea 133

XVI. The Islands "Discovered" by Dewey 138

XVII. White Filipinos, Aguinaldo, and the Busy Moth 147

XVIII. Singapore--The Humorist's Close Call 156

XIX. The Hindu Guide a Saint Would Be 168

XX. Penang--A Bird, the Female of Its Species, and the
Mangosteen 172

XXI. Burma and Buddha 176

XXII. Baptists and Buddhism 181

XXIII. The Rangoon Business Man Who Drove His Sermon Home 185

XXIV. The Glass of Ice-Water That Jarred Rangoon 188

XXV. The Calcutta Sacred Bull and His Twisted Tail 194

XXVI. The Guide Who Wouldn't Sit in "Master's" Presence 201

XXVII. Royalty vs. "Two Clucks and a Grunt" 206

XXVIII. One Wink, Sixteen Cents, and Royalty 210

XXIX. The Englishman and Mark Twain's Joke, "That's How
They Wash in India" 215

XXX. English as "She Is Spoke" in India 223

XXXI. Five Days' Sail and a Measly Poem 225

XXXII. Beating the Game With One Shirt 240

XXXIII. Through Hell Gate Steerage 257

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

PAGE
I found myself jammed in with the cruelest, most
blood-thirsty, cut-throat gang I've ever seen 11

They tortured three yesterday, but I was more than satisfied
with one, when I left them to their sport 15

"You see, Mr. Allen, I got those teeth to please my wife" 20

"When I didn't have them in my wife was giving me Hail
Columbia" 24

"With a mouthful of victuals I'd find myself chewing those
false teeth with my other teeth" 26

"Wong," I said, "how fashion you talkee so?
"No can slmoke stlate loom!
"No tlouble slmoke stlate loom. Can slmoke stlate loom easy,
see?" 29

My great fear was that before we landed at Yokohama Wong
would surely burst in his efforts to keep the smoke in my
state room blown out of the porthole 31

I snitched it from a folder put out by the Hawaiian
Promotion Society 37

A fellow tied up that way can't come to the Hawaiian Islands
to live 39

Just one look at that fish and he'd yell and drop fish, line
and pole right back in the pond 41

You wouldn't expect to find any kickers in the Islands 43

But I'll bet it would make it shy 47

I won't say it would scare a locomotive off the tracks 48

Author's illustration 49

Believe me, that umpire could make anyone see 51

They have the taxicab, but someone else had it during my
three days' stay 55

While you're working out the problem your car passes 57

She is a part of the landscape that way. She fits in and
makes me glad 62

Pained! Grieved! Shocked! were too mild words. I was
disappointed in "Missouri" 65

"Lord, Mr. Allen, I'm glad to see you," he said, as the
machine stopped 67

We S. O. S.'d Yokohama for four hours with that saki house
telephone 73

That surely was some bow 76

But Ushi's card had pulled a customer 81

"Ushi, what for you mope? Didn't I make a deal with you last
night to be my rikisha boy today? Hitch on behind and push,
Ushi" 87

With reckless abandon I had decided to blow myself for a
whole dollar, and twenty-five cents for ten hours' horse and
carriage hire 88

That missionary seemed to exude tracts--I didn't know one
missionary could hold so many 93

Except potato bugs, I always want to poison them 97

He said to have a foreigner as a guest at his humble home
would bring around his house such a crowd of curious
neighbors 100

I felt a good deal better after what I'd said, and I think
what the soldier said made a hit with him 110

With a mighty bound I landed in that man's arms 112

"Dr. 'Blank'," I said, "you're the one man in China I'm
looking for. I have a warrant for your arrest" 113

The chance acquaintances would cast significant glances and
cough 115

There _are_ some Americans whom even a Shanghai wheelbarrow
don't particularly interest 121

"Women who are interested in foreign missions and preachers
in our town set quite a store by me" 123

"For about a minute, as I looked at what was in front of me,
I couldn't think of anything but the two of diamonds" 126

"Humph!" snorted "Missouri," "he said, 'You've probably
gathered your information of the missionary work in the Far
East from your bar-room associates'" 129

As we jounced along over the bridge in front of our hotel on
a Shanghai wheelbarrow 131

Word has come to me that some of my readers are disappointed
that I shied at a description of seasickness, but instead
went off on a tangent about false teeth 134

Astride the bowsprit, pen in hand, writing a sto-o-rm at sea 137

Admiral George Dewey of the American Navy discovered these
islands May 1st, 1898 140

I hit a prominent official in Washington for a free pass on
a transport to the Philippines 144

You cannot starve these people; they live in a land of
perpetual summer 148

There is not another city in Japan, China, or India that can
equal it in cleanliness 150

The chief industry of the owners of the shacks is to roost
in them out of the sun and rain 152

Ye gods! Tell a Singapore official to his face that you are
going to shake the town! 159

I swelled out my chest and swaggered away and thought I was
_funny_ 161

The "funny man" gently lifted the derby from the dozing
passenger's head and set his own sombrero in its place 163

"And dommed if I didn't thank him twice when I should 'ave
punched his 'ead" 166

No matter what the hole you're in, there is a deeper one 167

And now there _is_ something to write about--the mangosteen 174

Would be like going to Venice and not having your picture
taken with the doves roosting all over you 189

The only thing of note in the whole transaction is the boy's
self-satisfied air of having done his whole duty 192

She said: "I wish I were a flying fish, o'er ocean's
sparkling waves to sail" 195

"Twist his tail," I said, "that will start him" 197

"You stay where you belong. I'll do the sacred bull business
around this neck of the woods" 199

Get that? Royalty, don't you know 203

It's hard lines to pour out money in this way on Lal--but
Royalty is expensive anyway 205

"Of course I don't," I came back at him. "You stung me the
last trip across India" 208

Lal tells the string of porters to put "Master's" baggage
into the compartment--no matter how much, put it all in,
boxes, bags, bedding, and trunks 212

The town turned out _en masse_ to hear me talk 216

The coffee began to boil in the church kitchen, the aroma
floated through the auditorium 218

That old joke about the English being slow is no joke--it's
a sad fact 220

And every time the Englishman has explained to me that he
wasn't trying to break the stone 221

Home loomed large in my mind--I wanted to go home 226

Just like committing suicide 229

He had been filled as full, if not fuller, than myself 230

To write that invoice all over again * * * to get out of
that was the determining factor 233

With my teeth chattering with valor 235

Anxiously watching specks in the horizon 238

We do, on occasions, don it 241

I've attended twenty-two "he" tea parties on this voyage 245

No hope of being sunk before dinner 247

I turned that shirt around 248

I felt like a thief in that shirt 251

With my jack-knife to rip and some puckering strings I went
at it 253

I turned that shirt upside down 254

Also, _I_ finally accepted his apology 255

"You're a third-class passenger on this ship"--and further
conversation with me seemed to give him a pain 264

He swore like a pirate 271

"It _is_ hard when they loiter, isn't it?" 274

And "Beef" came in 279

And those pants did look bad. There was no doubt about that 281

"If Mr. Allen says I have insulted women, he's a liar" 284

AUTHOR'S PREFACE

There are so many ways suggested these days by the various periodicals on how to make money at home, it would seem that all ingenuity in that direction must be exhausted; but how to make money abroad seems to me to be almost a virgin field.

New pastures have always interested me, and if I can add to the sum of human happiness by a wise suggestion, and point the way to satisfy an almost universal longing to see the world,--for instance, if I can show how one can make a luxurious world tour and come out ahead of the game while doing it,--I shall be only too glad.

It's no new trick to _beat_ one's way around the world with the hardships attending such an enterprise, but to tell how to do it in ease and luxury surely ought to earn me the gratitude of my fellow-men.

Get a bunch of pencils and some pads of paper and announce to a waiting editorial world that you are about to take a trip around the globe, and that you propose to write some letters of travel and syndicate them. That, for a consideration, you'll let some good papers print 'em.

Don't be modest about naming a good round price for the consideration of letting your papers in. Because you'll need the money.

All editors you'll find are hankering for letters of travel.

Letters of travel are a novelty. The first editor you call on early in the morning, say about ten o'clock (that's early enough to get to work in this new enterprise I'm tipping you off to--gone is grinding toil and worry--let others moil), this first editor of some big daily (big dailies are the easiest)--don't be timid--brace right up to him, and give him your proposition in a nutshell--easy-like--right off the bat.

It will be a pleasure to you to watch him brighten up at your offer.

Managing editors of big dailies are hard-worked men.

Atlas' job (merely physical) is easy compared with the mental strain and worry the managing editor of a big daily paper is subjected to these days.

You'll find him feeling the need of something--it's travel dope.

Don't be too arbitrary with him when he inquires in a tentative, anxious way, as he is about to affix his signature on the dotted line in your contract: "Of course no other paper in our town gets these letters?"

Assure him he will have exclusive use in his town. One paper in a town is enough, if you select the biggest and best one.

If (an almost impossible contingency) there should be any hesitancy on the part of the editor in grabbing your offer, if it seems to you that the price may be giving him pause, don't make the mistake of cutting the price. Tell him you may (don't promise for sure,--it won't be necessary,--a hint will be enough), tell him you may run a little poetry into your letters--that poetry comes easy for you to write--a sort of a fambly gift.

Don't stall, for fear you can't write poetry. You can do it if you think you can. It's dead easy.

Newspapers are just crazy for poetry--so crazy for it that lots of them will buy it when every line don't begin with a capital--where the poet ends a sentence right in the middle of a line, puts a period there, and just to beat the compositor out of a little fat starts a new verse after that period.

Why, they will buy poetry where the reader will get half through the piece before he discovers that it _is_ poetry, and after he has caught the swing he will start at the top and begin over, and go clear to the end every time, and feel good over it.

This is where this kind of poetry differs from patent medicine advertisements.

In the latter, when the poet begins to advise the use of a new brand of pills, when the poet's ulterior motive begins to crop out, you stop reading, get mad, and want to swat the poet.

The paper gets paid for printing the pill poem. It is in cahoots with the poet to put one over on the public, but it pays money for the kind of poetry I have described.

I'm glad I thought to post you about the poetry, because it's just barely possible that the editor may be contemplating a trip himself, in which case his paper won't want your stuff,--_he_ will send in some articles; or that his brother, or his sister, or his cousin, or his aunt, all of them gifted writers, are now on the bounding billows, en route for foreign parts, armed with pencils and pads; or that even now one of the paper's big advertisers is in Europe, and some travel stuff he is writing is just beginning to arrive and space must be found for it somewhere (it's just barely possible, I say barely, that that is one of the editor's problems as you drop in on him at 10 A. M.), so don't forget about the poetry.

This is important, because if you do, in all probability the next issue of that paper will have a scoop in a news story headed:--"Mysterious and Brutal Murder! Unknown Man Found Mutilated Beyond All Possibility of Identification! No Clue to the Perpetrators!"

So, after you've made your offer, and before the editor has time to draw his gun or grab an axe, tell him you can write poetry, which, when set in his paper, will at first sight look just like Johnnie's composition on Spring.

In addition to saving your local paper from publishing a harrowing tale of a mysterious disappearance, you'll land your contract with that hint of some possible poetry. When, I started out to do what I am advising you to do, I made nine towns before I signed up a paper.

There was considerable iron in my soul when I tackled the tenth town, and I had to do something,--so I dropped a hint that I might possibly run in a little poetry. After that it came easy.

With this kindly hint on "How to Make Money Abroad," herein is presented the letters I wrote on my 1914 world tour for a syndicate of papers.

With the kindly aid of the artist to help you over the hard places, "A YANKEE IN THE FAR EAST" for a title (a book must have a title), and good, plain print, the publishers launch this little book.

A YANKEE

IN

THE FAR EAST