Chapter IX: Part III: Mediæval Ages (3)

On the banks of the Ganges there was once a city named Makandi. And in a temple, not far from the river, there lived a religious mendicant with a large number of disciples. He was a great rogue, but to impress the minds of the credulous people of the neighbourhood, he affected to be perfectly indifferent to all worldly affairs, and even went so far as to have taken a vow of perpetual silence. Now, in this city there resided a wealthy merchant, who believed in the mendicant, and was one of his devoted followers. The merchant had a beautiful daughter, who had just come of age, and who, entertaining a tender feeling for a handsome prince who lived in the neighbourhood, had begun to communicate with him by means of a confidential servant. One day the mendicant came on a begging excursion to the house of the merchant, and his daughter, beautifully dressed, came out with a silver cup in her hand to give him alms. The beggar as soon as he saw her forgot his vow of perpetual silence, and exclaimed, “Oh! what a sight!” but immediately afterwards he was ashamed of the words which he had uttered, and hastened home to the temple. The merchant, who had heard these words, thought that there was something unusual in them, and followed the mendicant to his abode. The latter, on seeing him, said with tears in his eyes, “Friend, I know that you are greatly devoted to me, and I grieve to say that a great misfortune will come upon you. The marks upon the body of your beautiful daughter foretell the ruin of your family, and the loss of your wealth as soon as she is married.” These words frightened the merchant almost out of his wits, and he implored the hypocritical mendicant to tell him if there were any means of averting the catastrophe. “There is one remedy,” he replied, “but you will find it hard to practise. You must make a box with holes in the lid, in the form of a boat, and having administered a narcotic to your daughter, place her in it, and closing the box, put it into the Ganges with a lamp burning on it. The waters of the river will carry her to some distant country, where doubtless she will be married, but her marriage there will not affect your fortune here.” Pleased with this apparently disinterested advice, the silly merchant returned home, and did as he was told. Fortunately, however, for the girl, her confidential servant heard what was going to be done, and immediately informed the young prince, the girl’s lover, of the intentions of her father. At night he accordingly watched by the river, and as soon as the box was left there he got hold of it, and brought it home, and taking the sleeping girl out, put into her place a large and ferocious monkey, and, having closed the lid, sent it back to the river upon whose broad stream it was floated once more. In the meantime the mendicant was enjoying golden dreams about the future. Thinking to secure the girl for himself, he sent some of his disciples to the river side, and told them to get hold of the box as it came floating down the stream. He further enjoined them not to pay any attention to anything they might hear inside the box, but to bring it directly to him as soon as they found it. On the box being brought, he had it carried to his cell, and then told his disciples to remain at a distance, and not to disturb him, as he had to perform some religious ceremonies in connection with it. The disciples then retired, and the mendicant began to open the box with the most pleasing anticipations. But alas, the retribution of sin is often too near. The ferocious monkey, exasperated by his confinement, jumped out at once, and began to bite, scratch, and tear the poor mendicant in every way. The latter bawled out as loud as he could, but his disciples thinking that he was performing religious ceremonies, or fighting with the devil, did not come to his assistance. At last he succeeded in opening the door of his room, and got away with the loss of his nose and an ear. The monkey also bolted through the door, and disappeared into the jungle. The good people of Nakandi were much amused with the incident, and drove the mendicant out of the town. The merchant’s daughter was delighted to find herself with her lover, while her father, covered with shame, consoled himself with the idea that she had got a good husband.

_ABOUT A WOMAN’S PROMISE_

In the city of Madanpur there reigned a king, named Birbar. In the same city there lived a trader, called Hermyadutt, who had a daughter, by name Madansena. One day, in the season of spring, she went with her female friends to a garden, and when there met a young man, named Somdatt, the son of the merchant Dharmdatt. This young man fell violently in love with her at first sight, and involuntarily went up to her, and, taking hold of her hand, began to say, “If thou wilt not love me, I shall abandon my life on thy account.” The girl said, “You must not do so, for in doing this you will commit a great sin.” Somdatt replied, “Excessive love has pierced my heart. The fear of separation has burnt up my body. From the pain all my memory and intellect are lost, and at present, through my excess of love, I have no regard for virtue or sin. If you will give me a promise, I shall hope to live.” Madansena said, “On the fifth day from this I am going to be married, then I shall first meet you, and after that I shall go with my husband.” Having given this promise, and affirming it by oath, she went home.

On the fifth day after this she was married, and her husband took her to his house. After several days her sisters-in-law forcibly took her to her husband at night, but she would have nothing to do with him; and, when he wished to embrace her, she jerked him with her hand, and told the story of her promise to the merchant’s son. Hearing this, her husband said, “If thou truly wishest to go with him, then go.”

Having thus obtained her husband’s consent, she put on her best clothes and jewels, and started for the merchant’s house. On her way she met a thief, who asked her where she was going alone at that midnight hour so adorned. She replied, “That she was going to meet her lover.” On hearing this, the thief said, “Who is your protector here?” She replied, “Kama, the god of love, with his weapons is my protector.” She then told the whole story to the thief, and said, “Do not spoil my attire. I promise you that, on my return, I will give you up all my jewels.”

The thief let her go, and she proceeded to the place where Somdatt was lying asleep. Awaking him suddenly, he arose bewildered, and asked her who she was, and why she had come. She replied, “I am the daughter of the merchant Hermyadutt. Do you not remember that you forcibly took my hand in the garden, and insisted on my giving you my oath, and I swore, at your bidding, that I would leave the man I was married to, and come to you. I have come accordingly; do to me whatever thou pleasest.”

Somdatt asked her if she had told the story to her husband, and she said that she had told him all, and that he had allowed her to come. The youth said: “This affair is like jewels without apparel; or food without clarified butter; or singing out of tune; all these things are alike. In the same way, dirty garments take away beauty, bad food saps the strength, a wicked wife takes away life, a bad son ruins the family. What a woman does not do is of little moment, for she does not give utterance to the thoughts of her mind; and what is at the tip of her tongue she does not reveal, and what she does, she does not tell of. God has created a woman in the world as a wonder.”

After uttering these words, the merchant’s son said: “I will have nothing to do with the wife of a stranger.” Hearing this, she returned homeward. On her way she met the thief, and told him the whole story. He applauded her highly, and let her go, and she went to her husband and related to him the whole circumstance. Her husband, however, evinced no affection for her, but said, “The beauty of the cuckoo consists in its note alone; the beauty of a woman consists in her fidelity to her husband; the beauty of an ugly man is his knowledge; the beauty of a devotee is his patient suffering.”

* * * * *

Having related so much, the sprite said, “O king! whose is the highest merit of these three?” Vickram replied: “The thief’s merit is the greatest.” “How,” asked the sprite? The king answered: “Seeing that her heart was set on another man, the husband let her go; through fear of the king, Somdatt let her alone; whereas there was no reason for the thief leaving her unmolested; therefore the thief is superior.”

_OF A QUEER RELATIONSHIP_

There is a city in the south named Dhurumpoor, the king of which was named Mahabal. Once upon a time another king of the same region led an army against him, and invested his capital. After much fighting Mahabal was defeated, and, taking his wife and daughter with him, he fled by night into the jungle. After travelling several miles the day broke, and a village came in view. Leaving the queen and princess seated beneath a tree, he himself went to the village to get something to eat, and in the meantime a band of Bhils, or hill robbers, came and surrounded him, and told him to throw down his arms.

The king, on hearing this, commenced discharging arrows at them, and the Bhils did the same from their side. After fighting for some time, an arrow struck the king’s forehead with such force that he reeled and fell, and one of the Bhils came up and cut off his head. When the queen and the princess saw that the king was dead, they went back into the jungle weeping and beating their breasts. After going some distance they became tired and sat down, and began to be troubled with anxiety.

Now, it happened that a king named Chandrasen, together with his son, while pursuing game, came into that very jungle, and the king, noticing the footprints of the two women, said to his son, “How have the footprints of human feet come into this vast forest?” The prince replied, “These are women’s footprints, a man’s foot is not so small.” The king said, “Come let us look for them, and if we find them I will give her whose foot is the largest to thee, and I will take the other for myself.” Having entered into this mutual compact, they went forward, and soon perceived the two women seated on the ground. They were delighted at finding them, and seating them on their horses in the manner agreed upon, they brought them home. The prince took possession of the queen, as her feet were the largest, and the king took the princess, and they were married accordingly.

* * * * *

Having related so much the sprite said, “Your majesty, what relationship will there be between the children of these two?” On hearing this, the king held his tongue through ignorance, being unable to describe the relationship.

* * * * *

Hierocles’ collection of jests is mostly short anecdotes of pedants who are shown up as simpletons or noodles.

This principle of humor which is, of course, the rock bottom theory of the feeling of superiority induced by the discomfiture of the other man, often pins the jest on the pedant or scholar by way of emphasizing the point.

Hierocles was an Alexandrian Neoplatonic philosopher who lived in the Fifth Century A.D.

With authorship of the usual legendary haziness the collection may not have been made by him at all, but it passes for his work.

The stories themselves came into popular knowledge among the churchmen of the Middle Ages, and in their existing form probably date about the ninth century.

As will be seen from the following examples, many of the jests are still being used as the basis of Twentieth century after dinner stories and Comic Weekly jokes.

JESTS OF HIEROCLES

A scholar meeting a physician, said, _I beg your pardon for never being sick, though you are one of my best friends_.

* * * * *

A scholar wishing to catch a mouse that eats his books, baited and set a trap, and sat by it to watch.

* * * * *

A scholar wishing to teach his horse to eat little, gave him no food at all; and the horse dying, _How unlucky_, said he; _as soon as I had taught him to live without food he died_!

* * * * *

A scholar meaning to sell a house, carried about a stone of it as a specimen.

* * * * *

A scholar desiring to see if sleep became him, shut both his eyes, and went to the mirror.

* * * * *

A scholar having bought a house, looked out of the window, and asked the passengers, _If the house became him_?

* * * * *

A scholar dreaming he hit his foot on a nail, felt it pain him when he waked, and bound it up. Another scholar coming to see him, asked him, _Why he went to bed without shoes_.

A scholar being told the river had carried off a great part of his ground, answered, _What shall I say?_

* * * * *

A scholar sealed a wine vessel he had, but his man bored the bottom and stole the liquor. He was astonished at the liquor’s diminishing, though the seal was entire; and another saying, “Perhaps it is taken out at the bottom.” The scholar answered, _Most foolish of men, it is not the under part, but the upper that is deficient_.

* * * * *

A scholar meeting a person, said to him, “I heard you were dead.” To which the other answered, “You see I am alive.” The scholar replied, _Perhaps so, but he who told me the contrary was a man of much more credit than you_.

* * * * *

A scholar hearing that crows lived two hundred years, bought one, saying, _I wish to make the experiment_.

* * * * *

A scholar being on board a ship in a tempest, when the rest seized upon different articles to swim ashore on, he laid hold of the anchor.

* * * * *

A scholar hearing one of two twins was dead, when he met the other, asked, _Which of you was it that died? You or your brother?_

* * * * *

A scholar coming to a ferry, went into the boat on horseback. Being asked the reason, he said, _I am in great haste_.

* * * * *

A scholar wanting money sold his books, and wrote to his father, _Rejoice with me, for now my books maintain me_.

* * * * *

A scholar sending his son to war, the youth said, “I shall bring you back an enemy’s head.” To which the scholar replied, _If you even lose your own head, I shall be happy to see you return in good health_.

* * * * *

A scholar in Greece receiving a letter from a friend, desiring him to buy some books there, neglected the business. But the friend arriving some time after, the scholar said, _I am sorry I did not receive your letter about the books_.

* * * * *

A scholar, a bald man, and a barber, travelling together, agreed each to watch four hours at night, in turn, for the sake of security. The barber’s lot came first, who shaved the scholar’s head when asleep, then waked him when his turn came. The scholar scratching his head, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, _You wretch of a barber, you have waked the bald man instead of me_.

* * * * *

Pope Alexander VII. asking the celebrated Greek, Leo Allatius, why he did not enter into orders? he answered, _Because I desire to have it in my power to marry if I chuse_. The pope adding, And why do you not marry? Leo replied, _Because I desire to have it in my power to enter into orders if I chuse_.

* * * * *

Erasmus, himself a Satirist, collected thousands of the jests of the Greeks and Romans. These more often noted the wit than the witlessness of the speakers and include all degrees of wit from mere whimsicality to sharpest satire.

Some of the best ones follow.

GREEK

A friend asking him how great glory was procured, Agesilaus answered, _By contempt of death_.

* * * * *

Being asked the boundaries of the Spartan state, he answered, _The points of our spears_.

* * * * *

One asking him why Sparta had no walls, he shewed him armed citizens, saying, _These are the walls of Sparta_.

* * * * *

Being very fond of his children, he would sometimes ride about on a cane among them. A friend catching him at this sport, Agesilaus said, _Tell nobody till you are yourself a father_.

King Demaratus being asked in company whether he was silent through folly, or wisdom, answered, _A fool cannot be silent_.

* * * * *

Cleomenes the son of Cleombrotus, when presented with some game-cocks, by a person who, enhancing the gift, said they were of a breed who would die before they yielded; answered, _Give me rather some of the breed that kill them_.

* * * * *

Pausanias, when a physician told him “You look well,” answered, _Yes, you are not my physician_.

* * * * *

When the same was blamed by a friend, for speaking ill of a physician, whom he had never tried, he replied, _If I had tried him, I should not have lived to speak ill of him_.

* * * * *

Charillus, being angry with his slave, said to him, _Were I not in a passion, I would kill thee_.

* * * * *

A dancer saying to a Spartan, “You cannot stand so long on one leg as I can.” _True_, answered the Spartan, _but any goose can_.

* * * * *

Another Spartan mother giving her son his shield, when going to battle, said _Son, either this, or upon this_.

* * * * *

Another to her son who complained that his sword was short, said _Do you add a step to it_.

* * * * *

One objecting to him his luxurious feeding, he showed him some dear-bought dish, and said, “Would not you buy this, if it were sold for a penny?” “Surely,” said the other. _Then_, said Aristippus, _I only give to luxury what you give to avarice_.

* * * * *

Diogenes the Cynic, being in the house of Plato, strode over the carpets with his dirty feet, saying _I trample the pride of Plato_. _True_, said Plato, _but with a greater pride_.

Seeing a very unskilful archer shoot, he seated himself by the mark. The reason was _That he may not hit me_.

Going to the town of Myndus, and seeing the gates very large, and the town small, he called out _Men of Myndus! shut your gates least the town should escape_.

Being asked of what beast the bite is most dangerous, he answered _Of wild beasts, that of a slanderer: of tame, that of a flatterer_.

Entering a dirty bath he said _Where are those washed who wash here?_

Being asked what wine he liked best, he said _Another’s_.

Crates the Cynic of Thebes, being asked a remedy for love, said _Hunger is one remedy. Time is a better. The best is a rope_.

Theophrastus to one who was silent in company said _If you are a fool you do wisely! if you are wise you do foolishly_.

Empedocles saying to Xenophanes the philosopher “That a wise man could not be found.” _True_, answered Xenophanes, _for it must be a wise man who knows him_.

Archelaus, to a prating barber, who asked how he would please to be shaved? answered, _In silence_.

One asking Demosthenes what is the first point in eloquence, he answered, _Acting_. And the second? _Acting._ And the third? _Acting still._

An Athenian who wanted eloquence, but was very brave, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got up and said, _Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do_.

Zeuxis entered into a contest of art with Parrhasius. The former painted grapes so truly that birds came and pecked at them. The latter delineated a cloth so exactly, that Zeuxis coming in, said, “Take away the cloth that we may see this piece.” And finding his error, said, _Parrhasius, thou hast conquered. I deceived but birds, thou an artist_.

Zeuxis painted a boy carrying grapes: the birds came again and pecked. Some applauding, Zeuxis flew to the picture in a passion, saying, _My boy must be very ill painted_.

Gnathena the courtesan, when a very small bottle of wine was brought in, with the praise that it was very old, answered, _It is very little for its age_.

Philip of Macedon, sitting in judgment after dinner, an old woman receiving an unjust sentence, exclaimed, “I appeal.” “To whom!” said Philip. _To Philip, when sober_, answered the matron. The king took the lesson.

ROMAN

A soldier boasting of a scar in his face, from a wound in battle, Augustus said, _Yes, you will look back when you run away_.

Fabia Dollabella saying, she was thirty years of age; Cicero answered, _It must be true, for I have heard it these twenty years_.

Seeing Lentulus, his son-in-law, a man of very small stature, walking up, with a long sword at his side, he called out, _Who has tied my son-in-law to that sword?_

One finding his shoes eaten with mice, in the morning when he rose, asked Cato, in great agitation, the meaning of the portent; who answered, _It is no prodigy that mice should eat shoes! had the shoes eaten the mice, it would have been indeed a prodigy_.

When Brutus was dissuaded from his last battle, as the jeopardy was great, he only said, _To-day all will be well, or I shall not care_.

* * * * *

A large bull being produced in the amphitheatre, the hunter struck ten times, and missed. Gallienus, the emperor, who was present, sent the hunter a wreath: and all wondering, he said, _It is extremely difficult to miss such a mark so often_.

* * * * *

One saying, that in Sicily he had bought a lamprey five feet long, for a trifle; Galba, the orator, to reprove the lye, said, _No wonder. They are found there so long, that the fishers constantly use them for cables._

* * * * *

Scipio Nasica going to visit Ennius the poet, was told by his maid-servant, that he was not at home, though he knew he was. A few days after Ennius came to see Nasica, who hearing his voice, called out, that he was not within. Then said Ennius, “What! Do not I hear your voice?” To which Nasica replied, _You are an impudent fellow. I believed your maid! and you will not believe myself_.

* * * * *

Sulpitius Galba the orator, pretended to sleep once, while Mecenas made love to his wife, but seeing, at the same time, a slave stealing wine from the side-board, he cried, _Friend, I do not sleep for all_.

* * * * *

From the collection of Poggio we get other Italian stories.

* * * * *

Some clowns going to Arezzo, to buy a crucifix for their church, the carver seeing them very stupid, said, Do you want a living or a dead crucifix? They requiring time to consider: after much deliberation, returned, saying, _Make us a living one! for if our neighbours be not pleased with that, we can easily kill it_.

* * * * *

An inhabitant of a maritime town, looking out at a window, and seeing the ocean in a violent storm, and many vessels tossing about, said to a friend who was with him, “I wonder so many people go to sea, when so many die there.” _Do not you wonder_, answered the friend, _why so many people go to bed, when so many die there?_

* * * * *

Bardella da Mantoua, being led to execution, a priest, who was with him, said, “Be of good cheer, for to-night you will sup with the Virgin Mary, and with the apostles.” Bardella answered, _It will be a favour if you will go for me, for this is a fast-day with me_.

* * * * *

Marcello da Scopeto, consulting Coccheto da Trievi, the physician, he wrote a receipt, and said, “Here, take this at three times; one every morning.” Marcello cut the paper in three; and made a shift to swallow it in three mornings.

* * * * *

Tosetto one day putting the physician Zerboico in a violent passion; he said, “Peace, rogue. Do not I know that your father was a bricklayer?” Tosetto answered, _Nobody knew this, save your father, who used to carry him lime_.

* * * * *

The following are from _Il Cortegiano_, by Castiglione.

* * * * *

An Italian Doctor of Law, seeing a criminal, who was whipped, walking very slowly during the operation, asked him why he did not hasten, that he might have fewer stripes; adding many arguments to shew that the slower he went, the more he must suffer. To which, the criminal, standing still, and looking him full in the face, replied with great gravity, _When you are whipped through the streets, walk as you please, and pray allow me to enjoy the same liberty_.

* * * * *

Duke Frederic of Modena, having built a palace, was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. An abbot, standing by, told him to cause a pit to be digged large enough to contain it. “And what,” said Frederic, laughing, “shall I do with the earth which is dug out of the pit?” To which the abbot, with great wisdom, replied, _Make the pit so large as to hold all_.

Ponzio of Sila seeing a rustic who had two capons to sell, and agreeing on the price, begged him also to carry them to his lodging, where he was going, and he would pay him for his pains. Ponzio led him to a round bell-tower, separate from the church, near which was an alley: when standing still, Ponzio said, “I have wagered a couple of capons with a friend, that this bell-tower is not forty feet round, and have got a packthread here that we may try it.” So drawing the thread from his pocket, he gave one end to the rustic; bidding him hold it, while he went round. But when Ponzio came to the other side of the bell-tower, where the alley was, he fixed the thread with a nail, and ran down the alley with the capons. The peasant after long standing and bawling, went round, and had the nail and packthread for his capons and labour.

* * * * *

Not every tongue offers us collections to be translated, nor are all those that are available yet translated, but we may give a few of Spanish origin, taken from the collection of Melchior de Santa Cruz which are the flowers of Spanish Apothegms and wise or witty sayings.

Like jesters of all other nations the Spaniards saw fit to heap sarcasms on the medical profession.

We can only assume that in those days doctors had not reached the heights of sapience they have since attained.

And also, we must remember that it was the custom for the unlearned to poke fun at the scholars, hence all professions felt the satiric lash.

* * * * *

At the table of Pope Alexander the sixth, the company debated one day, if it were advantageous to a state to have physicians in it? The greater part held not; and alleged, as a reason, that Rome had passed her first, and best, six hundred years without them. But the pope said, he was not of that opinion, _for were there no physicians, the multitude of mankind would be so great, that the world could not contain them_.

* * * * *

A Biscayan clergyman, a follower of the cardinal Don Pedro Gonzales de Mendoza, pulled one day a pistol out of his pocket. The cardinal saw him, and reproved him, saying, “That it was indecent for a clergyman to carry arms.” The Biscayan answered, “Most reverend lord, I do not carry arms to hurt any man, but to defend myself against the dogs of this country, which are remarkable for fierceness.” The cardinal said, “I can tell you a charm against dogs. You need only repeat any verse of the gospel of St. John.” The Biscayan replied, _Yes, my lord, but that does not apply in every case, for many of our dogs do not understand Latin_.

* * * * *

The same cardinal said of the monks, who, by shaving the top and under part of the head, form a crown of hair around, that they had crowns which the most ambitious would not envy.

* * * * *

A bishop sent a present of six capons to brother Bernaldino Palomo, but the servant who carried them stole one. _Tell his lordship_, said Palomo, _that I kiss his hands for the five capons.--Do you kiss his hands for the other_.

* * * * *

Juan de Ayala, lord of the town of Cabolla, slew a crane. His cook, when he dressed it, gave a leg to his mistress. When it was served up, Juan said, Where is the other leg? The cook answered, Cranes have but one leg. The day following, Juan took his cook to the chace with him, and perceiving a flock of cranes, which, as usual with that bird, all stood upon one leg, the cook said, Your worship sees the truth of what I said. Juan riding up to the birds called, _Ox, Ox, Ox_. The cranes being startled, put down the other leg: and Juan said, See, you knave, have they two legs or one? The cook answered, _Body of me, sir, had you called Ox, Ox, to the one you dined on yesterday it would have produced its other leg too_.

* * * * *

Perico de Ayala, the buffoon of the Marquis de Villena, came to see Don Frances, the buffoon of Charles V. when he lay on his death bed. Perico seeing him in so bad a way, said, Brother Don Frances, I request you, by the great friendship which always was between us, that when you go to heaven (which I believe must be very soon, since you lived so pious a life), you will beseech God to have mercy on my soul. Frances answered, _Tie a thread on this finger, that I may not forget it_. These were his last words; and he instantly expired.

* * * * *

The servants of a Spanish lord said, in his presence, that Don Diego Deza, archbishop of Seville, was very liberal to his domestics. The lord answered, So he may, for he has his wealth but for his life. A page replied, _And for how many lives has your lordship yours?_

* * * * *

Some thieves trying one night to break into a shop, in which two servant men lay; one of them called to the robbers. _Come back when we are asleep._

* * * * *

A rich man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder he had suffered the preceding night. The physician felt his pulse, and said, Sir, do you eat well? Yes, said the patient. Do you sleep well? I do. _Then_, said the physician, _I shall give you something to take away all that_.

* * * * *

A labourer intending to bind his son apprentice to a butcher, asked a gentleman of the village, his friend, to whom he should put him. The answer was, _You had best bind him to the physician, for he is the best butcher I know_.

* * * * *

A physician went to visit a young lady, daughter of a nobleman. Desiring her arm, to feel her pulse, the damsel, from pride, covered the place with the sleeve of her shift. The physician also drew down his coat sleeve, and applying it, said, _A linen pulse must have a woollen physician_.

* * * * *

A bad painter, who had never produced any thing worth, went to another place, and commenced physician. A person who knew him, meeting him there, asked the reason of this change. _Because_ said he, _if I now commit faults, the earth covers them_.

To a student of a college was brought a large dish of soup, and only one pea in it. He rose, and began to strip. His companion asking what was the matter, he answered, _I am going to swim after that pea_.

* * * * *

The effects of a merchant, who was greatly in debt, being on sale, one bought a pillow, saying, _That it must be good to sleep on, since he could sleep on it, who owed so much_.

* * * * *

The same merchant being asked, how he could sleep with such debts upon him? said, _The wonder is, how my creditors could sleep_.

* * * * *

A Gallician, being at the war of Granada, received a wound in the head with an arrow. The surgeon arriving, said, upon examination, You are a dead man, the arrow has pierced your brain. The Gallician said, Look again, for that is impossible. The surgeon replied, It is so; I see it plain. _It cannot be_, said the Gallician: _for if I had any brain, I should not have been here_.

* * * * *

A man went to borrow an ass of a neighbour, who said the ass was from home. Meanwhile the animal chanced to bray: upon which the borrower exclaimed, How! did you not tell me the ass was abroad? The other replied, in a passion, _Will you prefer the ass’s word to mine?_

* * * * *

A passenger going to Peru, a great storm arose; and the master of the vessel ordered, that the most burdensome articles that every one had should be thrown into the sea, to lighten the vessel. Upon which this passenger ran and brought up his wife, saying, _That she was the most burdensome article he had_.

* * * * *

A squire being asked, why he had married a deaf wife? said, _In hopes she was also dumb_.

* * * * *

The German nation made small pretence to wit or humor. What we have of their early efforts is either gross or stupid.

A few specimens taken from their mediæval Jest collections will quickly prove this.

* * * * *

A malicious woman often beat her husband; being reproved for it, and told that her husband was her head, she answered, _May not I beat my own head as I please?_

* * * * *

Some Dutchmen conversing in a bookseller’s shop at Leyden, an unknown German came in, upon which one of them exclaimed, “Why is Saul among the prophets?” The German retorted: _He is seeking his father’s asses_.

* * * * *

A very ignorant priest saying mass, saw on the margin of his book, _Salta per tria_ (skip three); meaning that he should find the rest of the office three leaves further on; upon which he leaped three steps forwards from the altar. The clowns about him, thinking he had suddenly gone mad, took and bound him, and carried him home.

* * * * *

One being asked, what made him bald? said, _My hair_.

* * * * *

A lady asking that celebrated general, prince Maurice, who was the first captain of the age? he answered, _The marquis of Spinola is the second_. He thereby gave to understand, that he knew himself to be the first; but did not chuse either to say so, or tell a falsehood.

* * * * *

Two ladies of high rank, disputing the precedence in a procession, the Emperor, Charles V. desired they would make him their arbiter. Having heard the reasons on both sides, he found no other way to end the difference, than by ordering that the most foolish should go first. After which there were as many disputes who should go last; till they agreed, that each should be foolish in her turn.

* * * * *

Charles V. going to see the new cloister of the Dominicans at Vienna, overtook a peasant, who was carrying a sucking pig, and whose cries were so disagreeable to the emperor, that, after many expressions of impatience, he said to the peasant, “My friend, do not you know how to silence a sucking pig?” The poor man said modestly, that he really did not, and should be happy to learn. “Take it by the tail,” said the Emperor. The peasant finding this succeed upon trial, turned to the Emperor, and said, _Faith, friend, you must have been longer at the trade than me, for you understand it better_. An answer which furnished repeated laughter to Charles and his court.

EPIGRAMS

Collections of Mediæval Epigrams are both numerous and lengthy and not infrequently their comparative value depends largely on the translator’s learning or talent.

For instance a distich of Plato’s is thus translated by Coleridge,

_THE THIEF AND THE SUICIDE_

Jack, finding gold, left a rope on the ground;
Bill, missing his gold, used the rope which he found.

and is thus rendered by Shelley,

A man was about to hang himself,
Finding a purse, then threw away his rope;
The owner, coming to reclaim his pelf,
The halter found and used it. So is Hope
Changed for Despair--one laid upon the shelf,
We take the other. Under heaven’s high cope
Fortune is God--all you endure and do
Depends on circumstance as much as you.

But the modernization is not just now our pursuit, so the epigrams will be given in something approaching chronological order and the translator’s name mentioned when known.

PLATO

_THE MISER AND THE MOUSE_

“Thou little rogue, what brings thee to my house?”
Said a starv’d miser to a straggling mouse.
“Friend,” quoth the mouse, “thou hast no cause to fear;
I only _lodge_ with thee, I _eat_ elsewhere.”

LUCILLIUS

_A MISER’S DREAM_

Flint dream’d he gave a feast, ’twas regal fare,
And hang’d himself in ’s sleep in sheer despair.

NICARCHUS

_THE GREAT CONTENTION_

Three dwarfs contended by a state decree,
Which was the least and lightest of the three.
First, Hermon came, and his vast skill to try,
With thread in hand leap’d through a needle’s eye.
Forth from a crevice Demas then advanc’d
And on a spider’s web securely danc’d.
What feat show’d Sospiter in this high quarrel?--
No eyes could see him, and he won the laurel.

UNKNOWN AUTHOR

_ON LATE-ACQUIRED WEALTH_

Poor in my youth, and in life’s later scenes
Rich to no end, I curse my natal hour,
Who nought enjoy’d while young, denied the means;
And nought when old enjoy’d, denied the power.

_A VOICE FROM THE GRAVE_

Phido nor hand nor touch to me applied;
Fever’d, I thought but of his name--and died.

_ON THE INCONSTANCY OF WOMAN’S LOVE_

My Fair says, she no spouse but me
Would wed, though Jove himself were he.
She says it: but I deem
That what the fair to lovers swear
Should be inscribed upon the air,
Or in the running stream.

CATULLUS

_ON HIS OWN LOVE_

That I love thee, and yet that I hate thee, I feel;
Impatient, thou bid’st me my reasons explain:
I tell thee, nor more for my life can reveal,
That I love thee, and hate thee--and tell it with pain.

ALY BEN AHMED BEN MANSOUR

_TO THE VIZIR CASSIM OBID ALLAH, ON THE DEATH OF ONE OF HIS SONS_

Poor Cassim! thou art doom’d to mourn
By destiny’s decree;
Whatever happen it must turn
To misery for thee.
Two sons hadst thou, the one thy pride,
The other was thy pest;
Ah, why did cruel death decide
To snatch away the best?
No wonder thou should’st droop with woe,
Of such a child bereft;
But now thy tears must doubly flow,
For ah!--the other’s left.

THE KHALIPH RADHI BILLAH

_TO A LADY UPON SEEING HER BLUSH_

Leila! whene’er I gaze on thee
My alter’d cheek turns pale,
While upon thine, sweet maid, I see
A deep’ning blush prevail.
Leila, shall I the cause impart
Why such a change takes place?
The crimson stream deserts my heart,
To mantle on thy face.

JANUS PANNONIUS

_ON AURISPA_

Aurispa nothing writes though learn’d, for he
By a wise silence seems more learn’d to be.

ACTIUS SANNAZARIUS

_ON AUFIDIUS_

A hum’rous fellow in a tavern late,
Being drunk and valiant, gets a broken pate;
The surgeon with his instruments and skill,
Searches his skull, deeper and deeper still,
To feel his brains, and try if they were sound;
And, as he keeps ado about the wound,
The fellow cries--Good surgeon, spare your pains,
When I began this brawl I had no brains.

EURICIUS CORDUS

_TO PHILOMUSUS_

If only when they’re dead, you poets praise,
I own I’d rather have your blame always.

_THE DOCTOR’S APPEARANCE_

Three faces wears the doctor; when first sought
An angel’s--and a god’s the cure half wrought:
But when, that cure complete, he seeks his fee,
The devil looks then less terrible than he.

GEORGIUS BUCHANANUS

_TO ZOILUS_

With industry I spread your praise,
With equal, you my censure blaze;
But, Zoilus, all in vain we do--
The world nor credits me nor you.

_ON LEONORA_

There’s a lie on thy cheek in its roses,
A lie echoed back by thy glass.
Thy necklace on greenhorns imposes,
And the ring on thy finger is brass.
Yet thy tongue, I affirm, without giving an inch back,
Outdoes the sham jewels, rouge, mirror, and pinchbeck.

JOHANNES SECUNDUS

_ON CHARINUS, THE HUSBAND OF AN UGLY WIFE_

Your wife’s possest of such a face and mind,
So charming that, and this so soft and kind,
So smooth her forehead, and her voice so sweet,
Her words so tender and her dress so neat;
That would kind Jove, whence man all good derives,
In wondrous bounty send me three such wives,
Dear happy husband, take it on my word,
To Pluto I’d give two, to take the third.

THEODORUS BEZA

In age, youth, and manhood, three wives have I tried,
Whose qualities rare all my wants have supplied.
The first, goaded on by the ardour of youth,
I woo’d for the sake of her person, forsooth:
The second I took for the sake of her purse;
And the third--for what reason? I wanted a nurse.

PAULUS THOMAS

_ON CELSUS_

With self love Celsus burns: is he not blest?
For thus without a rival he may rest.

STEPHANUS PASCHASIUS

_MARRIED LIFE_

No day, no hour, no moment, is my house
Free from the clamour of my scolding spouse!
My servants all are rogues; and so am I,
Unless, for quiet’s sake, I join the cry.
I aim, in all her freaks, my wife to please;
I wage domestic war, in hopes of ease.
I vain the hopes! and my fond bosom bleeds,
To feel how soon to peace mad strife succeeds:
To find, with servants jarring, or my wife,
The worst of lawsuits is a married life.

JOHANNES AUDŒMUS

_TO A FRIEND IN DISTRESS_

I wish thy lot, now bad, still worse, my friend;
For when at worst, they say, things always mend.

_ADVICE TO PONTICUS_

Thou nothing giv’st, but dying wilt: then die:
He giveth twice, who giveth speedily.

BALTHASAR BONIFACIUS

_DANGEROUS LOVE_

All whom I love die young; Zoilus, I’ll try,
Tho’ loath’d, to love thee--that thou too may’st die.

From Bhartrihari, an Indian philosopher who flourished about the ninth century, we select the following cynical paragraphs.

* * * * *

I believed that one woman was devoted to me, but she is now attracted by another man, and another man takes pleasure in her, while a second woman interests herself in me. Curses on them both, and on the god of love, and on the other woman, and on myself.

* * * * *

The fundamentally ignorant man is easily led, and the wise man still more easily; but not even the Almighty Himself can exercise any influence on the smatterer.

* * * * *

A man may tear the pearl from between the teeth of the crocodile; he may steer his ship over the roughest seas; he may twine a serpent round his brow like a laurel; but he cannot convince a foolish and stubborn opponent.

* * * * *

A man may squeeze oil from sand; he may slake his thirst from the well in a mirage; he may even obtain possession of a hare’s horn; but he cannot convince a foolish and stubborn opponent.

* * * * *

A dog will eat with delight the most noisome and decaying bones, and will pay no attention even if the ruler of the gods stands before him--and in like manner a mean man takes no heed of the worthlessness of his belongings.

* * * * *

Our nobility of birth may pass away; our virtues may fall into decay: our moral character may perish as if thrown over a precipice: our family may be burnt to ashes, and a thunderbolt may dash away our power like an enemy: let us keep a firm grip on our money, for without this the whole assembly of virtues are but as blades of glass.

* * * * *

Let a man be wealthy, and he shall be quite wise, learned in the sacred writings and of good birth; virtuous, handsome and eloquent. Gold attracts all the virtues to itself.

The same portion of the sky that forms a circle round the moon by night also forms a circle round the sun by day How great is the labour of both!

* * * * *

A sour heart; a face hardened with inward pride and a nature as difficult to penetrate as the narrowest of mountain passes--these things are known to be characteristic of women: their mind is known by the wise to be as changeable as the drop of dew on the lotus leaf. Faults develop in a woman as she grows up, exactly as poisonous branches sprout from the creeper.

* * * * *

The beautiful features of a woman are praised by the poets--her breasts are compared to pots of gold: her face to the shining moon, and her hips to the forehead of an elephant: nevertheless the beauty of a woman merits no praise.

* * * * *

From _The Baharistan_, the work of Jami, a Persian poet and philosopher.

* * * * *

Bahlúl being asked to count the fools of Basrah, replied: “They are without the confines of computation. If you ask me, I will count the wise men, for they are no more than a limited few.”

* * * * *

A learned man being annoyed while writing a letter to one of his confidential friends, at the conduct of a person who, seated at his side, glanced out of the corner of his eye at his writing, wrote: “Had not a hireling thief been seated at my side and engaged in reading my letter I should have written to thee all my secrets.” The man said: “By God, my lord, I have neither read nor even looked at thy letter.” “Fool!” exclaimed the other; “how then canst thou say what thou now sayest?”

A mendicant once coming to beg something at the door of a house, the master of it called out to him from the interior: “Pray excuse me: the women of the house are not here.” The beggar retorted: “I wish for a morsel of bread, not to embrace the women of the house.”

* * * * *

A certain person made a claim of ten dirams on Júhí. The judge enquired: “Hast thou any testimony to offer?” On the answer being in the negative he continued: “Shall I put him on his oath?” “Of what value is _his_ oath?” said the man in reply. “O judge of the Faithful,” then proposed Júhí in his turn, “there lives in my quarter of the town an Imám, temperate, truthful and beneficent, send for him and put him on his oath instead of me, that this man’s mind may be easy.”

* * * * *

A poet read me once a wretched ode--
Verse of the kind where “alif” finds no place.
I said the kind of verse that _thou_ should’st make,
Is that in which _no_ letter we could trace.

* * * * *

Jáhiz relates: “I never experienced so much shame as this event occasioned me. One day a woman took my hand and led me to the shop of a master metal founder, saying to him: ‘Be it thus formed.’ I being puzzled to know what this conduct signified, questioned the master, who in reply said: ‘She had ordered me to make her a figure in the form of Satan. When I told her that I did not know in what semblance to make it, she brought thee, as thou knowest, and said: ‘Make it in this semblance.’”

* * * * *

The same learned man, too, gives us this relation: “As I was once standing in the street, in conversation with a friend, a woman came and standing opposite me, gazed in my face. When her staring had exceeded all bounds, I said to my slave: ‘Go to that woman and ask her what she seeks.’ The slave returning to me thus reported her answer: ‘I wished to inflict some punishment on my eyes which had committed a great fault, and could find none more severe for them than the sight of thy ugly face.’”

A person who perceived an ugly man asking pardon for his sins, and praying for deliverance from the fire of hell, said to him: “Wherefore, O friend, with such a countenance as thou hast, would’st thou cheat hell, and give such a face reluctantly to the fire?”

* * * * *

An assembly of people being seated together, and engaged in discussing the merits and defects of men, one of them observed: “Whoever has not two seeing eyes is but half a man; and whoever has not in his house a beautiful bride is but half a man; finally he who cannot swim in the sea is but half a man.” A blind man in the company who had no wife, and could not swim, called out to him: “O my dear friend, thou hast laid down an extraordinary principle, and cast me so far out of the circle of manhood, that still half a man is required before I can take the name of one who is no man.”

* * * * *

A Beduin having lost a camel, made an oath that when he found it he would sell it for one diram. When however he found it, repenting of his oath, he tied a cat to its neck, and called out: “Who will buy the camel for one diram and the cat for a hundred dirams; but both together, as I will not part them.” “How cheap,” said a person who had arrived there, “would be this camel, had it not this collar attached to its neck!”

* * * * *

A Beduin who had lost a camel, proclaimed: “Whoever brings me my camel shall have two camels as a reward.” “Out, man!” said they to him; “what kind of business is this? Is the whole ass load of less value than a small additional bundle laid upon it?” “You have this excuse for your words,” replied he, “that you have never tasted the pleasure of finding, and the sweetness of recovering what has been lost.”

* * * * *