Chapter I: The Pantomime of Life (3)

There were another set of men, almost equally unfortunate, though they endured it with greater equanimity,--the late royal horseguards, with all their splendid caparisons, their tags and tassels, their sashes and sabres, their spurs and epaulettes, their helms and feathers; the officers, people of the first families in the country, the men, the picked and chosen of the plebeian many. The high _élite_ and the low, reduced alike by unsparing destiny to foot it with the humblest,--it was a grievous blow; and, considering their Uniform conduct, most undeserved. And it was accordingly felt that among the earliest evils for which a remedy should be sought, was the remounting of those so essential to the dignity of the throne and the safety of the realm. True it was, that of the animals they once bestrode not a skin was left; but donkeys were to be procured at excessive prices; and they were obtained for this especial purpose. As yet, the manoeuvres of the Royal Ass Guards are more amusing than seemly; but there is no doubt that with time and discipline they will be, as before, the foremost corps in the service.

It were easy to enlarge upon similar topics to the end of this tome, but they would only serve to illustrate that which, we trust, we have illustrated enough. At Melton it was melancholy to see the gay hunter, unable to risk his limbs and neck, reduced to stalking,--and stalking, too, without a horse. Carts being _hors de combat_, the truck system began to prevail in all quarters, and, bad as it was, what could not be cured must be endured. Londonderry went into mourning on account of having exported seventy asses to Canada by a vessel which sailed about a month before, about the same period that the old bear at the Tower was sent to America, together with the monkey which bit Ensign Seymour's leg. Scotland suffered in the extreme, in spite of its excellent banking business and assets, for there was scarcely an ass in the country, except among some gipsies at Yetholm (vide Guy Mannering); and if, as we are certain it is not, one in a thousand of our readers ever saw a dead jackass anywhere, it will be agreed that not one in a million could ever enjoy that spectacle on the north side of Tweed. But enough: the kingdom was turned upside down,--old gentlemen without their hobbies, young gentlemen without their exhibitions, sportsmen without their sports, schoolboys in the holidays without their ponies, ladies without their rides and knights,[70] coachmen without their hacks, waggoners without their teams, barges without their draughts, the army without cavalry, and a king and aristocracy without equipages,--the revolution is complete.

In picturing this appalling change, it is but proper to notice that the agricultural interests have not been so severely dealt with. The substitution of bullocks was effected without much difficulty in most farms; and in others hand labour was happily introduced, which employed the poor, and, upon the whole, rather ameliorated the condition of the people.

At first, and for a while, it appeared as if dogs, as well as asses, would rise in value; but it was soon discovered that every dog would have only a short day. Like honest creatures as they are, they pulled and tugged at the cruel loads imposed upon them, till gradually their strength departed from them, and they died away. Their supply of food had failed, and the last of the knackers had followed the last of the tails. Pigs were tried, but positively refused to train. They smelt the wind, or what was in it; and, when out of breath, had no idea of getting a new one. A few goats in babies' shays were honoured as well-bearded and respectable-looking substitutes for the departed; and the Principality published several triads on the auspicious circumstance.

But there was a curious coincidence in London, which puzzled the British Association, the Royal Society, and other learned bodies, and which it is probable never can be satisfactorily accounted for. We refer to the sudden and enormous rise in the price of German, Strasburg, and Bologna sausages. Epping, like Epsom, might be involved in the national difficulty; but how distant countries, Germany and Italy, could by possibility be affected, was a mystery which the Geographical, and even the Statistical Society, professed themselves incompetent to determine.

From bad to worse has been the rapid declension of the empire since the fatal day of the fatal catastrophe which is the subject of this pitiable historical record. Competition, too faint for success, having ceased, steam and smoke have everywhere usurped the once blooming soil. From them, we are now a land of clouds,--murky clouds, to which those of Aristophanes are but fanciful and brilliant exhalations. Intersected by railroads, the iron age is restored, and the golden has vanished for ever. The commonweal revolves on the axes of tramwheels and trains; the reins of government are utterly relaxed; and the country, saddled with taxes and burthens, can no longer afford its inhabitants a single morsel. Engineers and speculators are bringing us to a dead level everywhere; and a republic is the inevitable consequence. For our parts, with the stomach of a horse, and loving beyond measure a sound horse-laugh, emigration is our immediate purpose. By Strasburg and Bologna will we wend our way, and endeavour to fathom the sausage-wonder; and thence, if no better may be, we shall sail for the Houyhnhnms' Land, (to the south of Lewin's and Nuyt's Land, and the west of Maelsuyker's Isle), and, at all events, make our finale like Trojans, by trusting to the horse!

[70] _Quære_, rides and ties.

OUR SONG OF THE MONTH.
No. IV. April, 1837.
APRIL FOOLS.

_Giojosamente! e con espressione burlesca._

[Music: April Fools]

Now mer-ry Mo-mus rules
_A-pril fools! A-pril fools!_
And with quirp and quil-let schools
_A-pril fools!_
'Tis the sea-son of the year,
When we hold it to be clear
That all, more or less, ap-pear
_A-pril fools! A-pril fools!_

Now, at every turn, we meet
_April fools! April fools!_
In park, in square, and street,
_April fools!_
Now "_pigeon's milk_" is sought,
"Useful knowledge" cheaply bought,
Pleasant lessons, too, are taught
_April fools! April fools!_

Now little boys are made
_April fools! April fools!_
(By bigger boys betrayed,)
_April fools!_
Now boys, the world calls "old,"
Deceived by damsels bold,
Find out they are cajoled
_April fools! April fools!_

Now sportive nymphs beguile,
_April fools! April fools!_
With gamesome trick and wile,
_April fools!_
In vain the charming sex
Would their lovers' heart perplex,
They may cheat, but cannot vex
_April fools! April fools!_

Now Evans and his crew,
_April fools! April fools!_
Find fighting will not do,
_April fools!_
Now Sarsfield, Espartero,
And many a battered hero,
Place Spanish funds at zero,
_April fools! April fools!_

Now ministers are termed
_April fools! April fools!_
And their titles are confirmed,
_April fools!_
Now Whigs astute, kicked out,
Hear the deep derisive shout
Echo wide the land throughout,
_April fools! April fools!_

Now costermonger scribes--
_April fools! April fools!_--
Pen their dullest diatribes,
_April fools!_
In Bentley's Magazine,
Alone, are to be seen
Wits, who scourge with satire keen
_April fools! April fools!_

Now readers, grave or gay,
_April fools! April fools!_
We shall terminate our lay,
_April fools!_
And we trust that you perceive,
We are laughing in our sleeve,
As these idle rhymes we weave,
_April fools! April fools!_

OLIVER TWIST;
OR, THE PARISH BOY'S PROGRESS.
BY BOZ.

ILLUSTRATED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.