Chapter I: Fished and Fished and Fished 237 (4)

'And I do bequeath unto my good sister's son, the shapely Reginald
Bendbrisket, inasmuch as he has shown some kindness unto my black
cat, now dead alas! twenty jars of the good plum preserve I did make
last fall as well as five yards of the good garden hose wherewith I
did heretowhile water my cabbages in the droughty seasons, the rest
to be cut up and divided equally amongst my other nephews and nieces
to be used by them as they may see fit whatsoever.

'At their demise the said pieces shall be delivered up to the said
Reginald, who will once more unite the fragments and pass the
completed hose on to his heirs for ever.

'For his goodness in undertaking thus to carry out my wishes I do
also bequeath unto the before-mentioned Reginald the Island of Wight
situate at the south coast of England.

'On reading this the president turned very pale and every one trembled, never having dreamt of the strength of the invader's position. But being a bit of a lawyer, the president very soon rallied and replied to the filibuster, in as courtly a manner as he could assume, that he was bound to admit that his aunt Martha had, without doubt, left the island to him, and that he would be the last man to dispute the fact--here the rogue, vainly imagining that he was about to realise his greatest hopes, could not conceal his satisfaction, and helped himself to a sandwich--"But hold!" cried the president in a terrible voice, "I do dispute that it was hers to leave."

'At this the irascible Reginald completely lost his temper and hurled the sandwich with such fury to the ground that it broke one of the gorgeous tiles that ornamented the floor. "Have you," said he, "the audacity to doubt the word of my aunt Martha? Have you the face to stand there and dispute the will of that excellent woman, written when dying of a broken heart at the death of her black cat, and whose only solace was the company of her dutiful nephew? Then your fate be upon your own head." And he strode out of the hall gnashing and grinding his teeth in the most terrible manner, only stopping to pick up the sandwich which he had thrown down in his outburst of passion.

'When the door had slammed to with terrific force behind him there was a great silence in the hall, and we all looked at one another with scared faces. Soon every one arose from the table, and silently left the banqueting-hall to prepare for the fight which we now knew would come on the morrow.

'Try as I would, I could not sleep for thinking of the battle in store for us. I counted more sheep than would have fed our army for six months, but with no result. I then tried elephants, and after that camels and zebras, and finally, hoping that their odd shapes might bring me repose, I tried ant bears, but all in vain. At last, in despair, I rose from my hard couch, donned my uniform, and snatching up a cracknel, strode out of my tent.

'Murmuring "Brittle Pantechnicons" (which, by the way, was our password) to the sentry, I strolled idly down to the sea. It was a beautiful and perfectly still night, with not a ripple to disturb the surface of the sea, upon which, here and there, would glow a little shimmer of light as the phosphorescent turbot rose to its prey. In the distance, and away to the right, could be seen the camp-fires of the enemy, and the reflections in the pools left by the tide. Ever and anon sounds of merriment could be heard as the invaders, heedless of the morrow, spent the night in revelry. To the left, and further back, could be seen the tents of our forces, not a sound arising therefrom except the low monotonous breathing of the soldiers (who were so well drilled that even in their sleep they breathed in time), or maybe the "Who goes there?" of the sentry would sound in the darkness, as he mistook a moth for a spy, or the drone of the beach bee for the war-whoop of the enemy.

'At the water's edge, dark against the starry sky, I found a solitary bathing-machine, beneath which I crept, and here at length my weariness quite overcame me and I slept. How long I remained thus I cannot tell, but I was awakened by heavy footsteps on the floor of the machine over my head. My curiosity was intense, but resisting the temptation to rush out and satisfy it, I wisely resolved to remain in my present position as long as possible.

'Presently the mysterious tenant of the machine opened its seaward door and stood revealed in the light of the moon, which had arisen during my sleep, as the terrible Reginald Bendbrisket himself, clothed in a deep black bathing-suit. I crouched down, not daring to move a muscle, and was presently relieved to see him, after standing for some time on the steps of the machine, amble carefully over the stones to the edge of the sea, into which he plunged.

'Now it was that an idea suddenly occurred to me, and I instantly crept from my place of concealment, and stealing up to the landward door of the machine nailed it fast with the hammer and nails I always carried with me to mend my drum, which was not infrequently broken beneath my enthusiastic blows. Having secured the front door, I now crept in at the back and, doffing my own clothes, soon donned those of the unconscious filibuster, who was still floundering about in the sea. Having effected this change, I crept back to my former position under the machine, and had barely made myself comfortable there when I saw the rogue returning.

'After scrambling painfully over the stony beach he mounted the steps and entered the machine, and the slam of the door as it closed upon him was the signal for me to rush out and secure this as I had already secured the front door. Having done this, I waited no longer, but made off with all possible speed in the direction of the enemy's camp, which I had nearly reached, when I heard a most terrible banging from the interior of the now distant bathing-machine. Losing no time, I entered the camp, and, being easily mistaken for their captain, passed on unchallenged.

'Arriving in time at the centre of the camp, I found all the men gathered together, having forsaken their revels, evidently in expectation of the return of their leader.

'Standing before the villainous crew, I assumed, as nearly as I could, the mien and rough harsh voice of their filibustering captain, and ordered them to embark at once and to leave the island, as it had been reinforced during the night by such a mass of thundering artillery as would be impossible to withstand, and that they were even now fast approaching along the beach from the other end of the island where they had landed. The men, on hearing this appeared quite incredulous and their growls of disbelief grew louder and louder and threatened a terrible mutiny. Having at length gained a hearing, I invited them all to that part of the camp by which I had entered, to hear for themselves the approach of the distant hosts. Leading them all, still grumbling and growling, a little way beyond the camp, I commanded them all to be absolutely quiet, and then, in the silence which ensued, could be heard far away in the direction of the bathing-machine a most terrific and continuous banging, together with the sound of muffled shouting.

'The men were aghast, and in the moonlight their swarthy faces could be seen to change to a ghastly white. Then, with an unearthly yell, they all turned and fled in a wild panic to the boats. They tumbled over and over each other in their anxiety to get away, and many got wet to the skin in their endeavour to reach the boats. At last, to my great joy, I saw the last of them pull off and reach the ships, which now put on all sail and vanished away for ever.

'I now returned to the bathing-machine, from which still came a terrible din, though not quite so violent as it had been at first.

'Taking hold of the rope that was fastened to it, I began to drag the machine in the direction of our camp, the banging meanwhile gradually subsiding, until at last only an occasional bang proclaimed the machine to be inhabited. As before, I passed the sentry by murmuring "Brittle Pantechnicons" and drew the machine up in front of the General's tent.

'The General, having finished an early breakfast, was just setting out to take a stroll before settling down to plan out the battle, and seeing me, whom he at first took to be Reginald Bendbrisket, the good man received quite a severe shock. However, I soon undeceived him, and after relating my adventures I unfastened the door of the bathing-machine, and disclosed therein the form of the filibuster on bended knees, imploring our mercy.

'Every one was delighted at such a speedy end to the campaign, for my part in which I was duly honoured. Reginald Bendbrisket, after a mild punishment, reformed and became a very respectable gentleman, the president kindly using his influence to secure for him a lucrative position in a well-known Insurance Office.

'And thus, my good Sirs, it is, that the Isle of Wight still remains one of our many valued possessions.'

'The very man for me,' thought the King of Troy, when he had finished his story, and before proceeding with their journey, he promoted the martial creature to the high position of second General-in-chief of the army.

* * * * *

THE WILD MAN

One day the army were overtaken by a singularly wild-looking man who proved, however, to be at the same time quite an amiable creature, and expressed a great desire to seek some employment with the gallant fellows. The King was pleased to enlist the nice and sociable person, and was more than repaid for his confidence in him by his charming ways. On one occasion, when the King was rather tired and worried, the Wild Man, in order to distract the dear old fellow, told the following story:--

'Good Sirs, though wild enough indeed, yet may I claim to be an unspoilt child of nature, whose finest instincts have, unchecked, found their true development. Thus, communing with nature from my cradle and living on terms of the closest intimacy with her wildest creatures, I can appreciate their humble wants, their hopes and fears, and have acquired the truly marvellous power of conversing with these simple-minded denizens of the wilderness.

'My home was a rocky cave hard by the sea-shore, in which I lived in simple happiness with my good wife, now dead, alas! this many a long year ago, and our five brown children, who long since have grown to men and gone out into the world to seek their fortunes. Harmless indeed were our joys, and our trials we bore with that great fortitude which was not the least of the blessings we derived from our simple mode of life.

'To proceed with my tale, on one dismal evening late in autumn, I left my cave, with the hungry cries of my children still in my ears,--for, indeed, the poor things had had no sup or bite the whole day through. Wondering what I could do that they might not go supperless to bed, I strolled along the sands by the sea in the hope of finding some odd limpet or whelk which, together with a few dried dandelion leaves, might make a simple stew. Alas! no vestige of a single crustacean could I find, so I sat me down upon the sands, determined not to return until the children had fallen asleep on the dry ferns and grass heaped up for them at the back of the cave, as their cries were more torment to me than my own emptiness.

'The sun had long ago set, and the autumnal twilight, reflected in the pools of still water left by the far receded tide, was gradually fading from the sky, when I fancied I could hear a low heart-rending moan from off the desolate waste of sand before me. Again and again it sounded, and at last realising that it might be uttered by some creature in distress, I stood up and, as far as the fading light would permit, scanned the sands in every direction.

'Nothing, however, could I see, and as the moan still continued at intervals and became, in fact, more and more painful and beseeching, I wandered about, a prey to the liveliest anxiety, endeavouring to discover whence it proceeded.

'At length I perceived on the sand, at a little distance before me, a small dark motionless object, and at that instant a harrowing sound, arising therefrom on the evening air, left me in no doubt as to the origin of the moans I had already heard. Creeping as quietly as possible on my hands and knees quite close to it, I found it to be a lovely blue point oyster, and bringing my head to a level with the shell, I asked coaxingly, and in as soft a voice as I could command, what ailed it.

'"Alas!" said the oyster, "a little while ago I possessed a child as sweet as ever chortled to its gasping mother, but snatched from me as it has been by the cruellest of whelks, it may even now lie helpless in the grasp of the ravenous brute, as it ruthlessly sups off its delicate limbs. No such grief have I had since that old native, my worthy husband, was slain, and was laid in state, his hoary head supported by a slice of lemon, beside a piece of brown bread-and-butter."

'Deeply affected by her grief, I begged her to reveal the name of the little one and to indicate the direction taken by the marauding whelk. "Bertram is its name," said the widowed blue point, and I could hear the tears falling within the shell as, with her beard, she pointed out the path followed by the rogue.

'I had not proceeded far in the direction indicated when I overtook a whelk, whose face was quite distorted by a savage look, and whose growls drowned the feeble cries of a tender blue pointlet whom he dragged along by the beard.

'"Now what is all this about?" said I to the sullen fellow. "Why should you, who are maybe blessed with young of your own, rob a poor widowed oyster of her only consolation since the death of her husband? A heart of rock would have melted at the cries of your victim, but you, ungenerous, can have no heart at all, and entirely drag the name of whelk through the mud." I could distinctly hear the ruffian lashing his tail within his shell as he replied: "It's all very well for you, old boy, but all that kind of nonsense you're talking don't come in here. If it were a question of saving your own life I'll bet you wouldn't give much ear to the whimperings of a sentimental blue point. Know then, old stick, that it isn't for the love of children that I am dragging this little brat along, but he's just going to be the supper of an old crab, who caught me this afternoon and only let me go on the condition that I found him something a little more toothsome and tender than I am."

'The cries of the infant were cruel to hear when it learnt the fate in store for it, and filled my heart with pity for the frail youngster. "Now come," said I to the whelk, "just wait a little while and consider, would it not always be a sad thing for you to reflect upon that you had been the cause of this frail young thing's death?" "Gammon!" answered the leather-hearted whelk, and proceeded on its journey. "Stay yet awhile," cried I, "and I will run and talk it over with the crab and see if his hard shell may hide a kinder heart than yours." "Well, look alive, old sentiments," replied the whelk; "it's a bit chilly waiting about out of the water when the tide's low. You'll see the old rascal over there by the sea."

'I hastened with what speed I might in the direction pointed out by the whelk, and presently came upon the old crab. Before I had time to greet him he accosted me with "Well, old kneebones, what's the trouble?" "No trouble of mine I do assure you," I replied as I seated myself by his side, taking care at the same time to keep well out of reach of his two pincer claws, that wobbled about wickedly in my direction; thus in some trepidation I continued the conversation. "The trouble is that of an innocent blue pointlet, now alas! in the toils of a perfect bully of a whelk, a worthless rough who is thus victimising the innocent to save himself from ending his paltry existence in your inside. Now my good fellow, I am perfectly certain that you are not going to allow this, indeed you are not the sort to sacrifice another's life to satisfy your own greed. Let me press you, just for once, to go supperless to bed, and thus assuage the anguish of a most affectionate mother."

'Much to my mortification and surprise, my conciliatory speech was met by roars of laughter from the flippant old crab. Peal upon peal disturbed the still evening air, and when the last clash of the hideous uproar had died away among the distant hills, the unfeeling brute, now in a state of collapse from loss of breath, gasped out:--"What, me give up the only chance of saving myself from that scoundrel of a lobster who only let me go on my promising to secure him something for supper a little less hard than myself! Well," continued the crab, "that's a good 'un, that is. My good chap you must be quite out of your senses. Why, not only will I hand over the baby oyster to the lobster, but I intend also to have my supper off that tough old idiot of a whelk, who reckons he's going to get off scot-free, and old mother blue point, too, if I can find her," and then, as an afterthought, "and you, old marrow-bones, wouldn't make half a bad tit-bit if I could get hold of you," and he made a horrid dash at me as he spoke. However, I easily evaded him, and from a safer distance argued the matter out with him in the following way:--

'"Allow me, my dear crustacean, to put the matter to you in this light. Now, first of all, clear your mind of all unnecessary bias. Suppose," said I, "that you were to change places with the young oyster, suppose, we'll say, that you had the near prospect of being devoured by the greedy lobster. How would you feel, I say, if your neighbour not only refused to exert himself in any way to extricate you from your predicament, but also gloried in being the main cause of the disaster that threatened you?"

'The wily scoundrel merely replied, "Ask me another," and with his left eye-stalk bent towards the ground, insolently winked at me with the other. Despairing of penetrating his tough shell with kindly suggestions, I temporised with him, and succeeded in persuading him to desist from his evil intentions until I had talked it over with the lobster. Out of sheer perversity the crab directed me wrongly, but in good time, after some wandering here and there, I discovered the lobster.

'I pleaded my case to him as eloquently as I had already done to the others,--nay, even more eloquently, being, no doubt, a little more used to it by now, but yet with no apparent good result. The wary creature pretended ignorance. "To which crab do you refer?" said he, in a questioning tone; "I have so much business with crustaceans in one way and another that you would be surprised to learn how confused I become in my dealings with them." To the best of my ability I described the appearance of the old crab, and aided my description with a slight sketch on the sand made with the point of my umbrella. He gazed at this with much interest and murmured to himself "considerable artistic talent," and then aloud, "Oh yes, yes, I remember him quite well; indeed, he was here only recently about a little matter of supper. Well, well, I'm afraid I cannot be of any help to you here. You see, it's like this. Earlier in the day, I came to a little arrangement (quite a little business affair, by the way) with an old lady conger eel I have known for many years, and it happened in this way. We were having a little dispute as to who should sup off the other, and without going into details, the upshot of it all was that the eel managed to tie herself in a knot round my throat, and so, you see, was mistress of the situation. I need not tell you that I did not lose my presence of mind--indeed, I never do--and I politely asked her if she had ever tasted crab, and effectually persuaded her that they were much better eating than lobster, and undertook to procure her a beauty (thinking all the time, of course, of our mutual friend), on the understanding that I should go quite free. It's very sad and all that sort of thing, no doubt, about the little oyster--sweet little chuck--indeed, I am more sorry than I appear to be about it, but really what can one do?" And the lobster shrugged his bristling shoulders. "Speaking to you," he continued, "as one man of the world to another, business is business after all, you know. And if we don't fulfil our obligations, where do we stand? Of course, I don't say but what a little chat with the conger might make it all right, and there's no harm in trying--she's a nice eel. I feel sure you would like her, at least I felt I should, when I invited her to be my supper--and if nothing comes of the meeting, well, we shall none of us be any worse off than we are at the present moment. If at any other time I can be of use to you, I do hope that you will not hesitate to come round and ask. Good day."

'I now left him to search for the conger, whom I found dozing in a pool near the sea. I took her out and placed her gently on the sand, and she gradually opened her eyes and fastened them on me. I once more expounded the reasons why, in my opinion, this cruel arrangement should not be persisted in. I quite astonished myself by my own eloquence, which grew more impassioned as I proceeded, and noticed that the old conger seemed deeply impressed. As I came to the most affecting parts of my argument the expression in her eyes grew really tender, and at the mention of the little blue point a tear gathered in each eye and slowly coursed down her shiny form. At the conclusion of my appeal the conger drew in a deep breath and replied:--"Well, I never! Now that is what I really do call good and kind. Oh pray come and sit down beside me on the sand and tell me all about it--now do, and tell me what first put it into your head--it is so very nice to come across a little real sentiment in these matter-of-fact times." Without waiting for me to proceed she rattled on:--"Upon my word, you really must have the kindest heart in the world--but are you quite sure you are comfy? Why not come round the other side; you'll be out of the wind there, and we can talk it over without anything to interfere with us. I quite agree with you in everything you have said, and I must say that I know of nothing more delightful than to find one's own thoughts expressed so much more clearly than one could do it oneself. Do you know, I am quite delighted to have met you, and hope that this is the commencement of one of those lasting friendships...."

'Thus she gabbled on, and thinking to myself, here, at last, is a kind-hearted soul, I asked her to promise to take the baby oyster back to its sorrowing mother, when she received it from the lobster. "What an extremely kind thought," she replied; "I assure you there is nothing in the whole world I would love to do so much as to take the little thing back to its Ma." Glancing dreamily at the sky the old eel continued:--"Dear little mite! I can see it even now, in my mind's eye, as it skips to its mother; she, dear soul, the while shedding pearls of delight,--a memory to carry to your grave. But I expect you must be going now--no doubt you are as busy as the rest of us--are they all well at home?--good-bye," and she prepared to return to the sea. "But, my dear woman," I protested, "I have not yet received your promise to see the little oyster home." "Now," said the eel, "pray don't spoil the pleasant evening we have had--but never mind--don't look so serious--come round some evening with the wife and children--don't say you won't." "But, Madam," I answered, "I am waiting for your promise to see the little one home." "My dear Sir," she replied at last, growing rather red in the face, "I can give you nothing of the kind, and must really refer you to the whale who captured me a little while ago, and only released me because I promised to procure him a lobster, which I persuaded him would be much more digestible and less bilious than I should prove to be as a meal."

'I now went in search of the whale, whom I discovered disporting himself in the sea a very little way from the shore. Taking my shoes and stockings off, I waded as near to him as I dared, and to conciliate him right off I wore as benignant an expression as I could assume and thus addressed him: "Of one thing I am convinced," said I, "and it is that you are the last person in all the world who would willingly give pain to anything,--least of all to a baby oyster." "Quite so, quite so," snorted the whale, "and what is more I never have and, upon my soul, I never _will_." "Bravo, good resolution," cried I, and then in moving terms I explained the situation and urged him to take the blue pointlet back to its mother on receiving it from the conger eel. "What is this you say," roared the whale; "do you mean to tell me that in exchange for her own fat self that villainous conger-eel now offers me a baby oyster instead of the promised lobster? Is it for this gross insult that I allowed her to resume her wretched existence? Well, I'm thundered!" and the enraged monster leapt seventy feet into the air. "Where is she?" roared he, and made off in the direction of the conger.

'But the old girl was one too many for the whale this time, and having heard his remarks on her conduct, off she darted after the lobster, saying to herself that as the whole arrangement had fallen through, she might just as well sup off the lobster,--besides, the claws would stew up quite well for the children's dinner to-morrow. The lobster in his turn, seeing the conger approach, at once understood that the affair was all off and left his little cave by the back door as conger entered by the front, and made for the place where he knew he would find the crab, arguing to himself thus:--"At any rate, the crab will make an excellent supper to which I have every right; for after all, as I have before remarked, business is business, and he will certainly be unable to fulfil his obligations." The saucy crab, however, saw him coming along with his mouth wide open ready to gobble him up, and shouted tauntingly to him:--"Keep your bristles on, old prawn" and ran off after the whelk. "Nothing really matters," thought he, "and as I feel a bit peckish I may as well eat up friend whelk and the blue pointlet 'll come in for a light breakfast in the morning." The cowardly whelk, reading the crab's evil intention in his eyes offered him the baby oyster. "Thanks, old flint," said the crab, "I'll have you first and the youngster another time," and he pounced on the whelk and ate him right up. But as he was crawling off in great comfort the old lobster overtook him and in no time polished him off. The lobster, now too contented to move quickly, was slowly returning to the water when up came the conger-eel who, without any delay, proceeded to strangle him and then to gobble him up. After her feast, the old girl, in her turn, felt drowsy. "I think," said she, "I now deserve a nap," and she lay down in a pool and went fast asleep. Presently the whale came along, having been hunting for the conger all over the place. As soon as he caught sight of her he roared in his wrath, "Is this what you call keeping your bargain?" and with one gulp he bolted her,--head, fins, tail and all.

'Then, having accomplished his revenge, and at the same time satisfied his appetite, his contentment was complete and he rolled over on his side in the shallow water, and fell into a deep sleep.

'Now, thought I, is this not providential? Is there not here not merely the evening meal I left my cave to seek, but many meals for my good wife and children,--enough in fact to ward off hunger throughout the winter that is now fast approaching. Taking up a great rock I hurled it with all my force at the head of the whale and killed it on the spot. I now proceeded to cut up the great creature and carry it, piece by piece, to my cave, and that very night, when it was all safely stowed, we cooked one great steak for supper, waking the children in order that they might share the meal, and the remainder my good wife preserved in brine. Thus in comfort we lived the winter through.

'The little oyster found its way back to its mother, and so grateful were they both for my endeavours to help them, that they took up their abode with us. Bertram grew to a fine chubby blue point. "Just like his father," said the proud mother, and nothing reached our hearts so nearly as his playful, charming ways.'

* * * * *

THE MUSICIAN

Sometimes now the old King showed signs of weariness, and Bill bethought him that a little music occasionally might soothe his nerves. So in the very next town they came to he engaged the only musician in the place, and very willing he was too to come along.

He played very wonderful music on his old concertina, often assisted with his voice, and one evening, after a very beautiful performance, the talented creature related the following story to his enchanted hearers:--

'Right glad have I been, good fellows all, to join you in this your noble enterprise to right our stout old brother of Troy here, and in good time I trust that my great deeds shall prove my sincerity. But, in the meantime, as supper hour draws on apace, and the frizzling cutlets do scent the evening air, a little story should not be amiss to distract your anxious minds, and thus to check the impatience of your appetite.

'Know then, my jovial birds, my cunning blades, that I am the eldest son of that Prince of Polynesia who united the scattered kingdoms of this unwieldy archipelago into one vast empire, over which he ruled with even-handed justice and some common-sense until his death. Ah! lads, if all had their rights I should at the present moment be seated on the soft cushions of my father's throne, and maybe more able to be of help to you than I am now; but you must take the will for the deed.

'My word! what a plump and healthy child was I, and withal as jolly and as hearty as the day was long. Moreover, was not I the pride of the empire and the envy of all the other kings and princes who had ever seen or heard of me? Alas! who could have foretold that I was thus early in life destined to have a real good taste of the troubles of this weary world, and, though surrounded by every care and attention and the object of the greatest affection that ever bubbled in the human heart, shortly to become the victim of the meanest spite.

'But to proceed with the yarn--neither care nor expense was spared in my upbringing, to which possibly more thought was devoted than even to the education of our very well-educated and trustworthy friend, the buxom Sicilian char-woman. At all events, the most certificated nurses procurable were continually being engaged, but apparently only to be dismissed again, for, almost perfect as most of them were, I can assure you that, in the course of a very little time they were certain, of course, to reveal (as was only natural) some slight weakness, and I ask you, good comrades all, which of us is without 'em? This overcarefulness on the part of my good parents was to be the cause of the disaster that was soon entirely to change the trend of my life.

'It came about in this way. One of the discharged nurses, indignant at what, with some show of reason, she considered an injustice to herself (she had been dismissed for curling my hair only a little to the right instead of quite to the right), resolved to revenge herself on her late master and mistress, in such a manner as should be most likely to leave them wretched for the remainder of their lives. Knowing the overextravagance of their affection for me, she cruelly determined to strike them in this, their weakest spot. One dark night, after cleverly evading the ever-wakeful guards, she crept into my father's palace. Stealing up the main staircase without attracting observation, she arrived at the now empty throne-room, which she stealthily traversed, keeping all the while close to the wall. She then passed through the little door at the left of the grand throne and found herself in the billiard-room. She had not, however, taken two steps therein when a fearful panic seized her, for what should she behold but the stout form of my rare old dad the emperor leaning over the table, apparently in the act of making a brilliant stroke. A few seconds' consideration, however, served to convince the vengeful creature that he was fast asleep. Gnashing her teeth at the old gentleman, she hurried across the room and entered the library, in which my good mother was seated, reading. But so absorbed was the good lady in her book that she took no notice whatever of the agile intruder, as she entered by one door and swiftly left by the other. She now successively passed through the state ball-room, the music-room, the third best drawing-room, the second best ball-room, and the state bed-room, and mounting the back stairs, came to the suite of rooms occupied by the nurses, and eventually reached the nurses' dining-hall, into which my nursery led, without having excited any one's observation.

'Opening my door very quietly, she peeped in. All was dark inside except for the glimmer of a night-light which shone on the frilling of my cradle and on the form of the nurse then in office, who had fallen asleep over her supper of stewed apples. Creeping in quietly, the evil-minded woman lifted my sleeping form from the cradle, so gently that she did not awaken me, and, holding me closely to her, once more successfully passed through all the apartments she had already traversed, without arousing any suspicion, and at length found herself again in the open air.

'Without losing a moment, she now made off to the woods, and after wandering in these for some time, she met an old witch with whom, no doubt, she had an appointment. Seated on the grass, the two women haggled and haggled, and at last the treacherous nurse sold me to the witch for three cocoanuts, and then went on her way and out of my life for ever.

'Now it happened that the old witch lived in the hollow trunk of a tree with her foster son, a tiny gnome named Orpheus, as quaint a little object as ever I set eyes on, who played incessantly and most beautifully on an old concertina, the very one, in fact, which I now carry with me. The little fellow had been found some years before by the old witch wandering near the ruins of an old temple in the very middle of the wood. To whom he belonged, and whence he had come, no one knew,--not even he himself, perhaps. However, the old girl adopted him, and now nothing could exceed the motherly affection with which she regarded this dry and shrivelled-up little chap,--unless, indeed, it was the ardour with which the grateful gnome returned it. In fact, I learned some time afterwards that the old witch had purchased me solely that I might be a companion for this rum little person.

'The old girl, weird as was her general appearance, did all she could to make me comfortable,--in fact far more than an ordinary witch would have dreamt of doing,--and in recognition of her well-intentioned attitude towards myself, I encouraged the spark of friendliness I began to feel for her. But for her darling son, as soon as I grew accustomed to his quaint appearance, and realised his kindness of heart and friendly disposition towards myself, I conceived a great affection. He would climb to the topmost branches of our tree, to practise his exercises every morning, in order that I should not be worried with melancholy repetitions, and, when perfected in some melody, who shall describe the unaffected joy with which he would come down and play it for my delight? How often in the moonlight (I lying on the grass at his side) would he play over and over again to me some melancholy air, while our foster-mother, mayhap, would be sweeping the dead leaves from our abode, and preparing it for our night's repose.

'Not I alone was gratified and enchanted by his dulcet tones, for all the creatures of the woodland drew near and listened as night gradually covered the sky, and he played through his evening pieces.

'Elephants hovered around in the shadows of the trees, and sighed great slobbering sighs. Bullfinches, sparrows, eagles, flamingoes, wild geese, peacocks, turkeys, cranes, pelicans, and every manner of bird, thronged the branches of the trees, and, with their heads and beaks sunk almost into their feathers, opened and closed their eyes in their rapturous surprise. The lions and tigers sprawled about, wishing, in pure shame at their habitual monstrous cruelties, that they had been vegetarians from the very beginning: such power had the music of Orpheus. Even the mad-headed monkeys and apes, sitting in rows amongst the trees, thought, Good heavens! what fools they were! and, blushing at their childish tricks, wondered if it yet were possible to reform and take a serious view of life. The old snake, quite overcome and enthralled by the delicious strains, opened wide his jaws, and allowed the little missel-thrush to nestle therein, and, thus protected from the night-air, to listen to the music in comfort. However, no lasting reformation was ever effected in their untamed natures, for no sooner had the music ceased than each scurried away, once again to resume his depredations and savage ways.

'It happened one evening that the gnome surpassed himself by his rendering of some enchanting melodies, and every one was quite enthralled and rendered almost helpless. The birds sank their heads and beaks lower and lower into their feathers, as the music proceeded, until they were no longer visible. The lions and tigers rolled on their backs in the grass, in an agony of despair at their own unreformable lives: the elephants turned quite white, and trembled so violently that they could hardly support their own huge bulks and leant against one another to prevent themselves coming down with a crash; such a great lump had risen in the throat of the giraffe as quite distorted his otherwise graceful neck; while the monkeys gibbered and blubbered tearfully to themselves, and the old rascal of a snake slipped right off into a trance.

'At last the music ceased, and the little musician left me while he went in to hang up his musical instrument in safety. Meanwhile, in spite of the state to which they had been elevated, the absurd creatures had all scurried off, as usual, with no other thought in their savage minds than to get each his own supper at any cost. The old snake, however, did not recover as quickly as the others, and when at length he awakened from his trance, he could see that all the others had vanished, and that I was lying on the grass, quite unprotected, the gnome not having, as yet, returned to my side. "Ha, ha!" said he to himself, his savage nature having returned in all its force, "what a slice of luck! By gum! I never see such a beauty. Won't the youngsters be just delighted!" He rapidly slithered in my direction and, quickly tying the end of his long form securely round me, slithered away again, carrying me through the long grass at a bewildering speed.

'After travelling in this rough fashion for some time, we at length came to a clearing in the heart of the wood, in which stood all that remained of the ancient temple, and amongst its fallen columns and walls, overgrown as they were with wild flowers and tall grasses, the old snake had made his home, where he lived in comfort with his wife and a large brood of pranksome snakelets.

'We were greeted by the youngsters with every mark of joy and surprise. "How good of you, Henry," cried the mother, "and what a really fine specimen! Shall we have him to-night, or keep him for next Tuesday, my birthday you know, dear?" After a little talk it was decided that I should be held over until the next Tuesday, and in the meantime I was placed in the larder, and given plenty of odd scraps to eat, no doubt to keep me plump and in good condition.

'Tuesday came round in due course and, in order to celebrate the day in a manner suitable to the greatness of the occasion, the old snake invited all his neighbours. When I was brought out of the larder, on a large dish, roars of delight rose to the sky from the throats of the assembled guests, all seated round on the fallen stones of the ruined temple.

'The old lion was there, smacking his lips in anticipation of a nice cut, and the tiger's mouth was visibly watering at the prospect of such a feast: while, as for the little snakelets, they kept up quite a clamour in their impatience to get at me. The monkeys, of course, contributed their share to the general uproar, though they seemed more inclined to fasten their eyes on the filberts and almonds with which I was garnished. The eagles took the whole thing very seriously and, flapping their great wings, screeched to the sky in their eagerness to begin; and all the other guests, the giraffes, the zebras, the hippos, the storks, the flamingoes, the wild cats, the pelicans, the wild geese, the peacocks, the turkeys, and every thinkable animal contributing to the general noise, there was such an awful din that the snake could only obtain silence by using the thin end of his long body as a flail on the drum-like sides of the elephant. He then made a few remarks on the importance of the occasion, and referred to his wife in quite a graceful way, for a snake; and, continuing, asked one of the guests to volunteer to carve. The stork, having a very convenient beak for the purpose, stood up and offered his services, which were gratefully accepted.

'I was now placed on the grass directly in front of the carver, who was about to skewer me with his long and sharp beak, when there came to our ears from far away amongst the trees that surrounded us on every side, the sweet harmonies of that lovely song "The Pond where Herbert Drownded," played with the greatest sympathy on the concertina. At once the stork turned its head in the direction whence the sound proceeded, and as it gradually drew nearer and nearer I became more and more convinced that such music could only be produced by my friend and foster-brother.

'All the creatures in varying degrees were affected; the snake and his wife coiled themselves on the grass and gasped in rapture; the stork and all the birds closed their eyes, and their heads sank lower and lower into their fluffy bodies, until like balls of feathers they rolled over and lay trembling in the grass.

'The lion and tiger were so overcome that they leant their old heads on their paws and sobbed aloud, while the monkeys grew fidgety and quite self-conscious at first, and then abandoned themselves to the melancholy aroused by the music.

'The gnome, whom I afterwards learnt had been wandering about the wood playing mournful airs on his concertina ever since he had missed me, now drew near, and finishing "The Pond where Herbert Drownded" proceeded with "Poor Molly Dawson" and other tunes of an equally affecting nature. On seeing that all were sufficiently bowled over, he struck up with "Oh, Jack, he was a Bright Spark," and so lively and brisk was the measure that up they all jumped and danced and danced with the greatest spirit.

'The strangest figure of all was cut by the old snake who pirouetted on the end of his tail at the greatest speed, in which weird performance he was soon joined by his wife. The eagle extended his wings and waltzed with the elephant; the lion and tiger spun round, holding each other by the paw, so quickly that it was almost impossible to see them; the old turtle rolled over on the back of its shell and span like a teetotum, with the silly monkeys linking hands and in one wide ring skipping around it; in fact, all got up and jumped and lumped and sprawled about in the most ridiculous fashion until they were quite out of breath. Nevertheless, Orpheus would not let them rest, but marched off playing the most exciting music, and all the infatuated creatures, quite forgetful of their banquet, followed him through the wood. Strange enough, in all conscience, was this, but how much stranger by far was it when the very stones of the ruin leapt up, and rolling over and over, also followed in this odd procession as it tramped and crashed through the trees.

'From where I was seated on the dish I could hear the sounds of the music gradually fading away, as the musician led the noisy crew further and further off; the crash of the falling branches and the crackle of the breaking underwood died down in the distance and I knew that I was saved.

'The little gnome led the bewitched creatures such a dance through the wood that one by one they fell down in a state of collapse, and when the last was quite overcome, the faithful fellow returned to the temple and carried me home.

'Never again did they leave me alone for a single second until I was able to take care of myself, and I spent the years of my boyhood in great happiness with these two simple and kindly souls. Brother Orpheus took no end of pains in teaching me to play the concertina and, eager to learn, I soon became proficient. But, dear lads, clever as you know me to be, never could I even approach the skill of my good and patient master.

'In the course of time the old witch had to die, and the grief of her little foster son was so great at his loss that, try as I would, I could not in any way lighten it. One day soon after I missed the little man, and he never returned again. All that he left behind him for me to remember him by was his old concertina.

'I waited by the tree for many a long day, still thinking that he would return, until I was compelled at last to abandon all hope of ever seeing him again. I wandered out into the world with no other wealth than my concertina, but how often since have I had to bless the memory of my little friend who thus endowed me with the means of subsistence, and, at the same time, with a protection against all manner of evil.'

* * * * *

THE LOST GROCER

For many and many a weary mile the persevering little band had now trudged on without meeting with any adventure worth relating, and every one was longing for the end of their travels, when one lovely evening they came across a good-natured-looking policeman, fast asleep on a stile by the roadside. The tramp, tramp of the army awakened him, and with a gentle smile he got off his perch and walked alongside the King. Charmed with his easy manner, the King jokingly asked him of what he had been dreaming that he smiled so pleasantly. 'Oh, of old times and old friends,' the policeman replied, and then as he walked along he thus related the strangest of experiences:--

'Many years ago it was my happy lot to be the principal policeman of the pleasant little town of Troutpeg, situated, as you know, on the banks of the river Peg, just where it flows into the estuary of the Drip, that here broadens into that well-known land-locked harbour of the same name, and thus finally finds its way to the sea. Nestling amongst its stone-capped hills, the happy place seemed designed by a kind nature as a retreat for all who were blithe and amiable, and such indeed it proved to be, for no more kindly and genial souls than the Troutpegsters could be found. Their simplicity was delightful, though perhaps such as to incline them all the more readily to believe in the wild legends of the country-side. Many were the strange stories told by the shepherds, who tended their flocks on the hills at night, of wild rites, and uncouth dances performed by ghostly beings, in the light of the moon, amidst the ancient circles of Druid stones. Little else, however, was there to disturb the peaceful thoughts of the Troutpegsters.

'The prosperity of the township was so great, and the comfort of each of its inhabitants so well assured that for many years no wickedness of any kind had shown its head, and the life of a policeman in this happy and secluded town was one long summer holiday. To be sure, a little skirmish here and there amongst the lads might make it wise gently to exert my authority, or a little quarrel amongst the girls call forth a slight rebuke, but otherwise my life was one of unbroken peace.

'My dearest friend was the tea-grocer, a man of sad and dreamy ways and quite devoid of guile, who returned my affection with all the ardour of a singularly loving nature. He shared his every joy with me, and when his holidays came round no greater recreation could he find than in my society. Walking by my side as I strolled along my beat, he would confide to me his simple hopes and fears, and in his troubles seek my readily extended sympathy. Such simplicity and inoffensive mien had he as brought to him a rich harvest of respect and love, together with the custom of his fellow-townsmen.