Chapter I: Shouldn't Have Let You

PERSUADE ME."]

"What counts nowadays, my boy, is system--
When I want a certain piece of information, for instance--
I just look up my index, reach down--
a file--
or two--
and--
before you can--
say--
knife--
it's--
in front of you!"

SYSTEM!]

CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE GERMANS.]

"WHAT--IS THERE AN ORDER COME ROUND ABOUT IT?"]

THE VISIT TO THE FRONT.]

"FOR WHY, DONAL'?"

"MAN, IT'S GOT AN AWFU' GERRMAN-LIKE NAME, YON."]

_Hardened Campaigner:_ "WOT FLIES?"]

"A SOLDIER
WHEN RIDING
A BICYCLE
WILL TURN HIS HEAD
SMARTLY
TOWARDS AN OFFICER
IN PASSING HIM
AND WILL NOT MOVE
HIS HANDS
FROM THE HANDLE-BAR."

CEREMONIAL

REFERENCE--INFANTRY TRAINING, 1914, SECT. 18, § viii.]

"WHO GOES THERE?"

"K-KAMERAD--MIT SOUVENIRS."]

"HO. WELL, I HOPE IT DON'T UPSET MY GOING ON LEAVE NEXT TUESDAY."]

1915.
THE PURCHASE OF THE SOUVENIR.

1920.
"THAT'S A SOUVENIR OF MY JOB AT HAVRE--

1925.
--OF MY SERVICE IN FRANCE--

1930.
--OF MY ACTIVE SERVICE--

1935.
--OF MY FIGHTING DAYS

1940.
GOT THAT IN THE BIG PUSH--

1945.
--FIERCE FIGHTING IT WAS--

1950.
--_DESPERATE_ FIGHTING,

1955.
--_HACKED_ MY WAY THROUGH--

1960.
--RIGHT UP TO THEIR GENERAL--

1965.
--CUT HIS HEAD OFF--

1970.
--_THAT_ WAS ON IT!"

THE MAKING OF HISTORY]

"WELL, I'M BLOWED IF I SEE--
--WHAT GOOD--
--I CAN BE--
--TURNING OUT--
--TO FIGHT--
--THEM--
--BLOOMING--
--GERMANS--
--WITH ALL THEIR--
--GUNS--
--AND THEIR MILLIONS O' MEN--
--AND SO FORTH--
--AND SO ON.
BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS, THEY HAVE,--

1914-1918--I.]

--FOR THE LAST FORTY YEARS--
--AND NOT SO PARTICULAR, EITHER, MIND YOU,--
--A DIRTY LOT,--
--WITH THEIR ZEPPS--
--AND SUBMARINES.
IT'S NOT AS IF--
--WE WERE A MILITARY NATION--
--OR TOOK KINDLY TO IT AT ALL.
IN FACT--
--I DON'T WONDER--
--IT'S TAKEN US--
--OVER--
--FOUR YEARS--
--TO FINISH THE JOB."

1914-1918--II.]

_Briton:_ "LOR', MY SON, YOU _DID_ GIVE ME A TURN. I THOUGHT YOU WAS AN ENEMY."]

"I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME A TUNIC--
RANK? BRIGADIER--
YES, ONE OR TWO RIBBONS TO GO ON IT--
MILITARY CROSS--
D.S.O.--
AND A V.C. OF COURSE--
LEGION OF HONOUR, C.M.G. AND SO FORTH--
TEN WOUND STRIPES--
AND MAKE AS SMART A JOB OF IT AS YOU CAN, WON'T YOU? BECAUSE--
I WANT IT FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS."

THE HERO]

"AND LOOK HERE, FRITZ--
--WHATEVER HAPPENS--
--SEE YOU KEEP--
THEM HANDS OF YOURS--
--WELL ABOVE--
YOUR BLINKIN' HEAD."]

AFTER.

CAMOUFLAGE]

"GO ON, GEORGE! HOW CAN THEY MAKE PLUM-AND-APPLE OUT O' STRAWBERRIES?"]

_Voice from dug-out:_ "JA! JA! KAMERAD!"

_Tommy:_ "THEN COME OUT HERE AND FRATERNISE." ]

HOWEVER, IT NEEDED VERY LITTLE ALTERATION TO MAKE IT SALEABLE.]

_Tractor-Driver:_ "WOT'S THE MATTER?"

_The Wit:_ "WHY, YOU'VE BEEN AND GONE AND COME ON PARADE WITHOUT YOUR SPURS."]

1919.--MR. WILLIAM SMITH COMES BACK AGAIN, TO SEE HOW WELL HE HAS DONE IT.]

_Second ditto:_ "Can't call it to mind, somehow. Was it that little village in the wood down by the river, or was it that place with the Cathedral and all them factories?"]

JOCK THE SHEEP-DOG--
WAS A BATTALION MASCOT DURING THE WAR.
NOW HE--
IS BACK--
WITH THE SHEEP AGAIN.]

_Corporal in charge (on arrival at bridge):_ "DE--TACHMENT, BREAK--STEP!"

["When crossing a military bridge Infantry will break step."--_Extract from "Regulations."_]]

THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT JACK WANTS BUILT.

THIS IS THE LANDOWNER WHO (IF THE TALK OF A RAILWAY BEING MADE OVER THIS BIT OF LAND DOESN'T COME TO ANYTHING, AND THE CORPORATION CANNOT, AFTER ALL, BE INDUCED TO BUY IT AS A RECREATION-GROUND, AND NO ONE MAKES A BETTER OFFER) IS WILLING TO SELL THE GROUND TO CARRY THE HOUSE THAT JACK WANTS BUILT.

THIS IS THE ARCHITECT AND SURVEYOR WHO (AS SOON AS HE HAS FINISHED HIS DESIGNS FOR THE NEW TOWN HALL, THE PROPOSED COUNTY HOSPITAL, THE CATHEDRAL EXTENSION, THE BOROUGH POWER STATION AND THE DRINKING-FOUNTAIN, AND PROVIDED THAT NO MORE IMPORTANT COMMISSION TURNS UP) IS GOING TO DESIGN THE HOUSE TO GO ON THE GROUND OF THE LANDOWNER WHO....

THIS IS THE LOCAL AUTHORITY WHO (IF HE CAN OBTAIN DETAILS OF THE SEVERAL REQUIREMENTS OF THE COUNTY COUNCIL, PARISH COUNCIL, CENTRAL HOUSING AUTHORITY, MINISTRY OF HEALTH, BOARD OF AGRICULTURE, MINISTRY OF TRANSPORT, CONGESTED DISTRICTS BOARD, AND ANY OTHER DEPARTMENTS INTERESTED, EITHER NOW IN EXISTENCE OR CONTEMPLATED FOR THE FUTURE) IS GOING TO INSPECT, REVISE, AMEND, AND POSITIVELY FINALLY APPROVE THE DESIGNS OF THE ARCHITECT AND SURVEYOR WHO....

THIS IS THE BUILDING CONTRACTOR WHO (PROVIDED THAT PRESSURE OF WORK ALLOWS HIM, AND THAT HE CAN GET THE MATERIALS, WHICH IS DOUBTFUL, AND THE MEN, WHICH IS HARDLY PROBABLE, AND THE PRICE, WHICH IS PRACTICALLY OUT OF THE QUESTION) IS GOING TO CARRY OUT THE DESIGNS, AS FINALLY APPROVED BY the local authority who....

THIS IS THE RAILWAY OFFICIAL WHO (ON THE SUPPOSITION THAT THE CONGESTION ON THE LINE WILL POSSIBLY BE EASIER LATER, AND THAT THE SUPPLY OF GOODS WAGONS IS VERY CONSIDERABLY AUGMENTED, AND THAT NEW LOOPS AND SIDINGS NOT YET SUGGESTED WILL BE CONSTRUCTED TO RELIEVE THE PRESSURE, AND THAT A REORGANISATION OF THE RAILWAY STAFF DOES NOT MOVE HIM ELSEWHERE, AS WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY HAPPEN) HAS PROMISED TO DO HIS BEST TO EXPEDITE THE TRANSPORT OF THE NECESSARY MATERIALS TO THE BUILDING CONTRACTOR WHO....

THIS IS THE MERCHANT WHO (IF PRICES ARE LEFT ENTIRELY TO HIS DISCRETION AND TIME IS OF NO IMPORTANCE, AND IF HE FINDS THAT, AFTER ALL, IT IS TO HIS ADVANTAGE TO SELL IN THIS COUNTRY RATHER THAN TO EXPORT, AND IF HE DOESN'T RETIRE IN THE MEANTIME, AS HE IS THINKING OF DOING) HAS CONSENTED TO TRY TO SEND MATERIALS THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF THE RAILWAY OFFICIAL WHO....

THESE ARE THE REPRESENTATIVES OF THE BUILDING TRADES WHO (IF ALL MATTERS IN DISPUTE ARE SATISFACTORILY SETTLED BY THAT TIME, AND PROVIDED THAT THEY CAN ALL GET THEIR OWN HOUSES SITED, DESIGNED, PASSED, CONTRACTED FOR, SUPPLIED AND BUILT FIRST) ARE GOING TO ERECT THE MATERIALS PROVIDED BY THE MERCHANT WHO....

AND THIS? THIS, INCIDENTALLY, IS JACK.]

BUT NOW THAT HE'S MOVED TO A FLAT IN LONDON I'M REALLY NOT QUITE SO SURE OF IT.]

ROBINSON USED TO FIND THAT THE AUDIENCE AT BIG MATCHES--
PUT HIM RIGHT OFF HIS GAME.
BUT AFTER GREENCHAT, THE
NATURALIST,--
HAD--
PLAYED--
A FEW--
ROUNDS--
WITH HIM--
NOTHING COULD--
RUFFLE HIM.]

1 _A House Party in the Midlands._

(From left to right): Mr. John Smith, Mr. T. Jones, Miss Peggy Smith, ----, Capt. Robinson. Seated Col. Tompkin, V.D., Mrs. Smith.

2 _Snapped in the Park._ Lady Lily Lavender walking with a friend.

3 _An Echo of the Twelfth._ Members of Lord Tweedledum's party at luncheon. From left to right: Capt. Cork, R.N., the Horrible, Rose Tweedle, Mr. J. Penn, Lord Tweedledum & Major Mitten.

4 _Authors at Play._ Sir Ernest Wrightwell & Mr. Jay Penn at North Hoywick.

5 _A Rising Writer._ Mr. Jay Penn, whose latest novel, "Tripe," is attracting so much attention.

6 _A distinguished Author._ Mr. Jay Penn at work.

7 Mr. Jay Penn. A recent portrait.

8 Mr. Jay Penn, the brilliant novelist, whose stirring serial of love and hate, entitled "Apes of Lebanon" commences in these columns on Monday.

9 _Snapped in the Park._ Mr. Jay Penn walking with a friend.

10 _Enjoying the sunshine on the Riviera:_ Mr. Jay Penn & Lord Zero.

11 _At the Eton & Harrow Match._ Sir Salmo Ferox & Mr. Jay Penn.

12 Mr. Jay Penn, whose novel "Tripe" created such a sensation a few seasons ago.

13 General Omnibus chatting with Mr. Penn, the author.

14 A Group at the Mudshire Hunt Ball: Capt. Roarer, Miss Bullfinch, Miss Thurston & Mr. James Penn.

15

The Hopkins-Jopson wedding: one of the guests arriving.

A BIOGRAPHY]

"I WANT TO CHOOSE A CHRISTMAS PRESENT--ONE SUITABLE FOR A SHORT, DARK, MIDDLE-AGED BACHELOR WITH RETIRING DISPOSITION AND NO NEAR RELATIVES--TO GIVE TO HIMSELF."]

THE PRESENCE OF A DETECTIVE AMONG THE WEDDING PRESENTS--
ALWAYS UNSETTLES ME.
I FEEL SURE THAT--
SOONER OR LATER--
I SHALL BE HYPNOTISED--
INTO DOING--
SOMETHING--
WHICH WILL GET ME--
INTO TROUBLE.

THE WEDDING DETECTIVE: A STUDY IN SUGGESTION]

_Literal Gentleman:_ "WHEN?"]

The Pupil should now seat
himself upon the floor--
with the feet under some
heavy piece of furniture--
with body erect--
and arms extended
above the head--
he allows himself--
to--
bend--
slowly--
backwards--
until--
a recumbent position--
is reached.

EXERCISE 3.--TO PROMOTE A GRACEFUL FIGURE.]

"NO--SIGNED ON AGAIN."

"HOW LONG FOR?"

"JUST FOR DURATION OF THE PEACE."]

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A
MAN WHO BOUGHT A FARM--

--BECAUSE AN OPEN-AIR LIFE
APPEALED TO HIM--

--AND BECAUSE IT MADE ONE
ONE'S OWN MASTER--

--BECAUSE, MOREOVER, HE WAS
FOND OF ANIMALS--

--AND ALSO BECAUSE ANY AMOUNT OF EXPERT OPINION WAS
ALWAYS AVAILABLE IN CASES OF DOUBT--

--BECAUSE, AGAIN, THE ELEMENT OF
UNCERTAINTY GAVE SUCH A CHARM
TO IT--

--AND, FURTHER, BECAUSE CERTAIN
SECTIONS WERE BOUND TO BE PROFITABLE--

--IN ADDITION BECAUSE UP-TO-DATE
APPLIANCES MADE EVERYTHING
SO EASY--

--BECAUSE, IN PARTICULAR, IT TOOK ONE BACK TO NATURE, AND
HELPED ONE TO AN UNDERSTANDING OF NATURAL LAWS--

--AND, LASTLY, BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, ONE COULD
ALWAYS GET RID OF THE BEASTLY THING.

THE LURE OF THE LAND]

_Wife:_ "WELL, IT WASN'T ME, DEAR. IF ANYONE DIDN'T, YOU MUST HAVE YOURSELF."]

OF COURSE WE KNOW ALL ABOUT--
THE TALL HATS--
THAT OUR FOREFATHERS--
USED TO WEAR--
ON THE CRICKET-FIELD--
BUT WHAT NO ONE--
SEEMS TO HAVE RECORDED--
IS WHAT--
THE UMPIRE--
THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL.

TALL HATS ON THE CRICKET-FIELD.]

"WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I WASN'T WANTING TO _BUY_ ONE. BUT I CAN'T GET A BED ANYWHERE IN LONDON, AND I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD LET ME SLEEP IN IT TO-NIGHT."]

"RATTLING GOOD BOOK THIS, COURTSHIP AND CRIME."
"YES, I'VE READ IT."

"SPLENDIDLY WRITTEN."
"YES, I'VE READ IT."

"BY JOVE, IT'S EXCITING!"
"I'VE READ IT."

"THERE'S ONE THRILLING BIT WHERE--"
"YES, I'VE--"

"--THE HERO--"
"--READ IT."

"--BUT I MUST READ IT TO YOU."
"I'VE READ IT."

"I KNOW YOU'LL--"
"I'VE READ IT."

"--ENJOY IT."
"I'VE READ IT."]

"Y-YES. TERRIBLY SMALL, ISN'T IT?"]

"WHY, DIDN'T I BRING YOU TWO JUST NOW?"

"OH, YES. BUT WE'VE LET A GENTLEMAN IN THE STALLS HAVE THOSE."]

A SCENE IN PARIS;

A SCENE IN HONOLULU;

A SCENE IN THE OLD VILLAGE;

A SCENE IN THE STATES (_HUMOROUS_);

A NOVEL THIRTY-MINUTE SKETCH;

A £500,000 SPECTACLE;

A RATHER DARING SCENE IN AN ARTIST'S STUDIO, COMPLETE WITH MODEL,

AND A SCENE AT A FANCY-DRESS BALL, COMPLETE WITH "SPECIALITY DANCE";

NOT TO MENTION SOME EXTREMELY ORIGINAL CROSS-TALK;

A DELIGHTFULLY DAINTY OLD-WORLD INTERLUDE;

A FEW SUBTLE POLITICAL ALLUSIONS,

_AND_ A GRAND PAGEANT OF BRITISH SPORTS.]

_The Pugnacious Gentleman:_ "BUT 'E BIN AN' CALLED ME A
'UN.'"

_The Peacemaker:_ "WELL, HE MAY HAVE MEANT IT QUITE
KINDLY-LIKE, BILL. IT AIN'T AS IF WE WAS STILL AT WAR WITH
THE DIRTY 'OUNDS."]

The Start.

1 hour.

2 hours.

3 hours.

4 hours.

5 hours.

6 hours.

7 hours.

8 hours.

8 hours 59 minutes.

"Excuse me but isn't your name Smith? Surely we met at the Robinsons' yesterday?"

8 hours 59½ minutes.

"Of course--you're Jones aren't you? I was sure I recognised you when I got in."

9 hours.

Arrival at destination.]

_Professor:_ "NO, NO, MARIE. AS I'VE HAD OCCASION TO EXPLAIN TO YOU EVERY YEAR SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, IT'S THE FROST THAT BURSTS THE PIPES--_NOT_ THE THAW."]

IN THE DAYS WHEN LAWN TENNIS--
WAS ONLY A GAME--
SERVING USED TO BE REALLY--
QUITE--
GOOD--
FUN.
BUT NOW--
THAT--
IT'S--
BECOME--
A SERIOUS BUSINESS--
OF COURSE--
THINGS--
ARE--
DIFFERENT.]

"WILL I TAKE MY HAT OFF?--
CERTAINLY--
I'M SURE--
I DON'T WANT--
TO BE A NUISANCE--
TO ANYBODY."]

1920.

THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION]

"NO--DARE SAY NOT--GET AWAY FROM MOST OF THE MIDGES, THOUGH."]

_If you're thinking of painting the picturesque little village of
Saltsea--
make sure--
before you start--
that you don't choose--
the day of the annual regatta._]

WHEN THE BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS A DRAW--
--IT IS, OF COURSE--
--ROTTEN BAD FORM--
--TO--
--WASTE TIME--
--DELIBERATELY--
BUT CAN THERE BE ANY HARM--
--IN--
--PUTTING--
--ON--
--A BOWLER--
--WHO--
--TAKES--
--A--
--SOMEWHAT--
--LONGER--
--RUN THAN USUAL?

QUITE CRICKET]

"YES. I TOLD HIM IT LAST NIGHT."]

AT ALL EVENTS--
I'D RATHER--
LOSE MY SIDE THE MATCH--
BY COMMITTING THE BLUNDER--
OF MISSING A CATCH--
WHILE FIELDING FOR THEM--
THAN THAT--
I SHOULD--
WIN IT--
FOR THEM--
BY COMMITTING--
THE UNSPEAKABLE CRIME--
OF--
MISSING ONE--
WHILE FIELDING SUBSTITUTE FOR OUR OPPONENTS.

CONSOLATION]

_Jones:_ "Me? Oh, i'm only the Jones who's invited to brighten up a dull party."]

"HORACE, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BOILER. SHALL I GET THE
PLUMBER?"

"PLUMBER? OF COURSE NOT--
I'LL PUT IT RIGHT.
JUST GET ME A SPANNER--
AND A HAMMER--
AND A LADDER--
AND SOME STRING--
AND A WOODEN PLUG OR TWO--
AND AS MANY TOWELS AS YOU CAN FIND--
AND ALL THE BLANKETS IN THE HOUSE--
AND--
THE DOCTOR."

THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF]

<sc>_Pipkin on Pottery_ (21_s._ NET) CONFIRMED HIS BELIEF.

WHICH WAS FURTHER STRENGTHENED BY GRUBMANN'S _ORIENTAL PORCELAINS_ (£3 14_s._ 6_d._ WITH POSTAGE);

WHILE MUTT'S _CERAMICS_ (15 VOLS. £20 CARRIAGE PAID) PUT THE MATTER PRACTICALLY BEYOND DOUBT.

A VISIT TO THE VICTORIA AND ALBERT MUSEUM (TAXIS 7_s._),

AND ANOTHER TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM (MORE TAXIS 9_s._ 6_d._; LUNCH 11_s._ 3_d._) INCREASED HIS CONVICTION;

AND FINALLY HIS FRIEND HARDPASTE, THE EXPERT, WHOM HE ASKED TO DINNER (INCLUDING WINES AND CIGARS £4 18_s._ 6_d._) TO VIEW THE PIECE,

SET THE SEAL ON HIS TRIUMPH BY DECLARING IT UNQUESTIONABLY AUTHENTIC AND WORTH (IN THE PROPER QUARTER, OF COURSE) QUITE DOUBLE WHAT HE GAVE FOR IT.

THE BARGAIN]

"CERTAINLY. I NEVER SMOKE."

"AND ALCOHOL ALSO, I'M AFRAID."

"BY ALL MEANS. I'M A TEETOTALER."

"STRONG TEA AND COFFEE ARE EQUALLY POISONOUS, BEAR IN MIND."

"RATHER. I NEVER TOUCH THEM."

"NO SUGAR OR SWEET THINGS, REMEMBER!"

"EXCELLENT! I DETEST 'EM."

"A MEAT DIET STRICTLY FORBIDDEN!!"

"SPLENDID. I'M A VEGETARIAN."

"A COLD BATH EVERY MORNING!!!"

"GLORIOUS. I ALWAYS HAVE ONE."

"AND G-GO AWAY FOR A LONG BRACING CHANGE TO THE B-BLEAKEST PART OF THE EAST COAST...."

"PRICELESS. WHY, MY DEAR OLD FELLOW--

"I LIVE THERE."

CHECK!]

_Printed in Great Britain by Jarrold & Sons, Ltd., Norwich, England._