Chapter II: Part 2

An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the ship's gunnel, happened to slip overboard, and was drowned. The body soon being recovered, the coroner's jury was summoned. One of the jurymen returning home, was asked what verdict they brought in, and whether they found it "felo-de-se"? "Ay, ay!" says the juryman, shaking his noddle. "He fell into the sea, sure enough."

HOW TO GET WARM

A Quaker gentleman, riding in a carriage with a fashionable lady decked with a profusion of jewellery, heard her complain of the cold. Shivering in her lace bonnet and shawl, as light as a cobweb, she exclaimed, "What shall I do to get warm?" "I really don't know," replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless thee should put on another breast-pin."

NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR

An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?" "I don't know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced."

OF COMPOSITIONS

A lady at a dinner-party was sitting next to a musician, and, thinking she ought to say something about music, turned to her neighbour and said: "Has Bach been composing much of late?" "No, madam, but I hear he has been decomposing for some time!"

PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER

A parson in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap. viii. 14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across the churchyard and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other, who it was for. "Perhaps," replied he, "it is for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks."

THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF

An old gentleman went out to tea, and being somewhat deaf was unable to join in the general conversation. A kind-hearted lady wishing to make him feel at home, said: "Do you like bananas?" To which he replied, "No; I prefer the old-fashioned nightshirt."

ANTICIPATION

Towards the close of a meeting at Exeter Hall at which Bishop Wilberforce had made an eloquent speech the audience began to go away. A gentleman whose name was on the programme said to the Bishop, "I need not speak; I hardly think they expect me." "To be sure they do," said Wilberforce; "don't you see they are all going."

HYMNS AND HERS

On seeing a large picture by Watts from _Theodore and Honoria_ a friend once asked Lord Houghton what it represented. "Oh!" he replied, "you have heard of Watts's Hymns. These are Watts's Hers!"

HORS CONCOURS

At an evening party a new game was suggested. The guests were each to make the most hideous grimaces that they could and the prize was to go to the ugliest effort.

After long scrutiny the judge awarded the prize to a lady seated away from the others. "I'm not playing," she replied indignantly.

THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE

A story told of William the Fourth, if genuine, shows that king possessed on occasion of a ready tact which is so happy as to be wit. The story runs that when dining with several officers he ordered a waiter to "take away that marine," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your Majesty!" exclaimed one of the officers, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of the service?" "Yes," answered the king. "I mean to say that it has done its duty once and is ready to do it again."

A UNITED COUPLE

John's wife complains, that John discourses
And thinks of nothing else but horses.
Whilst John, a caustic wag,
Says it's wonderful to see
How thoroughly their tastes agree,--
For, that his wife, as well as he,
Most dearly loves a nag.

WET PAINT

It was a dark wintry night, when a belated traveller, in a lonely country district, found himself entirely lost as to his locality.

He wandered aimlessly for some time, till at last he found himself against what he considered a signpost.

All efforts to find out any name on the same failing, he climbed the post and read the words, "Wet paint."

TICK, TICK, TICK

Sheridan had taken a new house and meeting Lord Guildford, he mentioned his change of residence, and also a change in his own habits. "My lord, everything is carried on in my new house with the greatest regularity--everything in short goes like clockwork." "Ah!" replied Lord Guildford meaningly, "tick, tick, tick, I suppose."

DIFFIDENCE

An Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have heard the evidence?"

THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED

A bailiff who had tried numerous expedients in vain to arrest a Quaker, resolved to adopt the habit and manner of one, in hope of catching the primitive Christian. In this disguise, he knocked at the Quaker's door and inquired if he was at home. The housekeeper replied, "Yes." "Can I see him?" "Walk in, friend," she said, "and he shall see thee." The bailiff, confident of success, walked in, and after waiting nearly an hour, rung a bell, and on the housekeeper appearing, said, "Thou promised me I should see friend Aminadab." "No, friend," answered the housekeeper, "I promised _he_ should see _thee_. He hath seen thee, but he doth not like thee."

IMAGINATION

A small boy walking across a common with his mother espied a bunny. "Look, mother, there goes a rabbit!" "Nonsense, my boy, it must have been imagination." "Mother, is imagination white behind?"

UNREMITTING KINDNESS

"Call that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness!" "Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.

A WARM PROSPECT

A well-known judge was credited with being parsimonious. A friend once asked him, "What are you going to do with your money? You cannot take it with you, and if you could it would melt!"

A SOPORIFIC STORY

The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove that he had not offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "And yet," said Doddington, "I did not hear a word of it but I went to sleep because I knew that about this time you would tell that story."

ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS

Curran and Father O'Leary were dining with Michael Kelly when the barrister said: "Reverend Father, I wish you were St. Peter." "And why, Counsellor, would you wish I were St. Peter?" asked O'Leary. "Because, Reverend Father, in that case you would have the keys of heaven, and could let me in." "By my honour and conscience, Counsellor," answered O'Leary, "it would be better for you if I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."

THE LOST JOINT

The serving-maid was awkward and the joint fell on the floor. The young mistress was naturally upset and cried, "Now we've lost our dinner."

"Indeed you haven't," said Jane, "I've got my foot on it."

THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN

A recruiting sergeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with--"Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?" "Voight for my King," answered Hodge, "why, has he fawn out wi' onybody?"

IRELAND FOR EVER

An Irishman homeward bound from America frequently expressed his delight by shouting, "Hurrah for Ireland!" "Hurrah for Ireland!" to the intense amusement of most of the passengers. One irascible old fellow, however, barely concealed his irritation at Pat's outbursts, and at last, exasperated beyond endurance, retorted, "Hurrah for Hell!" "That's right," said Pat. "Every man for his own country."

ALL MEN ARE LIARS

Thackeray was fond of telling the story of two men relating their adventures. One of them had told his companion something as having happened to him which was extremely improbable; the other capped it by a statement still more outrageous. "What a liar you must be, Jack," said his friend, to which he replied, "Well, _we are telling lies_, aren't we?"

AN OBJECT LESSON

The diner-out had waited a quarter of an hour for his soup. Calling the waiter he asked, "Have you ever been to the Zoo?"

"No, sir," was the reply.

"Well, you ought to go. You'd enjoy watching the tortoises whiz past."

AN UNKNOWN TONGUE

During the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no' a wonderfu' thing that the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?" "Not a bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic, "Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could understan' them."

A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT

"Did you present your account to the defendant?" inquired a lawyer of his client. "I did, your Honour." "And what did he say?" "He told me to go to the devil." "And what did you say then?" "Why, then I came to you."

"SOMEWHERE"

A lady who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I think, sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely," replied the gentleman, "you may, ma'am, as I have often been there."

THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE

An Englishman and a Scotsman were on a walking tour in the Highlands when they came to a signpost which said, "Five miles to Stronachlachar." Underneath this was written, "If you cannot read inquire at the baker's." The Englishman laughed heartily when he read it, but refused to tell the Scotsman the joke. That night the Englishman was surprised at being woke up by his companion, who seemed much amused at something. Asking the reason, the Scotsman replied, "Och, mon, I hae just seen the joke--the baker might not be in."

WAR AND TAXES

Shortly after the commencement of the Peninsular War, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dearer. A Scotch wife in Greenock remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why? "It's a' awin' to the war," said Paddy. "The war!" said the astonished matron. "Gracious me! are they gaun to fecht by candlelicht?"

A MODERN ALFRED

A woman gave her little child a cloth to warm while she was otherwise busied. The child held it to the fire, but so near that it changed colour presently, and began to look like tinder; upon which the child called to its mother, "Mamma, is it done enough when it looks brown?"

CHARITY ON CREDIT

A certain rich laird in Fife, whose weekly contribution to the church collection never exceeded one penny, one day, by mistake, dropped into the plate at the door a five-shilling piece; but discovering his error before he was seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace the coin by his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, "Stop, laird, ye may put in what ye like, but ye maun take naething out!" The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last said, "A weel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na, laird," said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for the penny."

COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT

The carter was going out with a lantern one evening, when he met the farmer who employed him; he was asked where he was going. "Courting," was the reply. The farmer replied, "You don't want a lantern to go courting with. When I went courting I never took a lantern." "I can quite believe you," said the man, "when I look at your missus!"

THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER

An old gentleman was observed earnestly looking on the sands, evidently for some object he had lost.

An inquisitive onlooker asked, "Have you lost something?" "Yes," was the reply.

Not quite satisfied, the inquisitive one said, "Is it anything important?" "Yes," again came the answer, "I have lost my toffee." "But, surely, the toffee would be useless if you found it, as it would be full of sand." "But my teeth are in it," was the prompt reply.

THE EMPTY BOTTLE

In a dark room in an Irish cabin Biddy was searching for the whisky bottle, when her husband enquired, "What is't yer lookin' for?" "Nuthin', Pat," answered Biddy. "Sure," replied the husband, "you'll find it in the bottle where the whisky was."

H2O

The elementary class was being instructed in chemistry, and the master, after several lessons, asked: "What is water?" One very young but bright pupil promptly replied: "A colourless fluid that turns black when you wash your hands."

AN ACCIDENT

Two Irish porters meeting at Dublin, one addressed the other with, "Och, Thady my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England? Pray did you see anything of our old friend Pat Murphy?" "The devil a sight," he replied, "and what's worse I'm afraid I never shall." "How so?" "Why he met with a very unfortunate accident lately." "Amazing! What was it?" "Oh, indeed nothing more than this; he was standing on a plank talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call Brixton, when the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke."

TOUCH HIM UP

Mackintosh was once taking Parr for a drive when the horse became restive and the scholar became nervous. "Gently, Jemmy," said Parr, "don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy." The horse was stopped enough for the purpose, and no sooner had Parr safely descended than his advice changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk home."

A SMART BOY

A boy of only nine years old was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, "I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is." "My Lord," replied the boy, "I will give you two if you will tell me where He is not."

WEARING ROUGE

There was a certain Bishop of Amiens who was a saint and yet had a good deal of wit. A lady went to consult him whether she might wear rouge; she had been with several directeurs, but some were so severe, and some so relaxed, that she could not satisfy her conscience, and therefore was come to Monseigneur to decide for her, and would rest by his sentence. "I see, Madam," said the good prelate, "what the case is: some of your casuists forbid rouge totally; others will permit you to wear as much as you please. Now, for my part, I love a medium in all things, and therefore I permit you to wear rouge on one cheek only."

THE POOR LANDLORD

Father Healy was talking to a friend in the street when a youth came up begging alms; having received a penny he scampered off, revealing in his retreat a very tattered apparel. "That is a nice cut of an Irish landlord," said the priest. "How so?" asked the friend, "Because he has rents in a rear."

THE DAY OF REST

"Well, Master Jackson," said the minister, walking homeward after service with an industrious labourer, who was a constant attendant, "well, Master Jackson, Sunday must be a blessed day of rest for you who work so hard all the week. And you make a good use of the day, for you are always to be seen at church." "Ah, sir," replied Jackson, "it is indeed a blessed day; I works hard enough all the week, and then I comes to church o' Sundays, and sets me down, and lays my legs up, and thinks o' nothing!"

NOT TO BE CAUGHT

It was examination day at one of the R.A.M.C. headquarters.

"And if a man suffering from trench feet were brought to you, how would you treat him?" asked the examiner.

The recruit, a Londoner with a good knowledge of the licensing laws, quickly answered: "You won't catch me that way, sir. We should both pay for our own."

MOLECULES

"What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson.

"We have taken up the subject of molecules," answered her son.

"I hope you will be very attentive and practise constantly," said the mother. "I tried to get your father to wear one, but he could not keep it in his eye."

A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN

Professor Johnson, the antiquary, returning meditatively from a learned discourse, came upon the recumbent body of a man in front of a house. Being a Samaritan he proffered his services, and discovered that the man lived on the first floor. Thither he piloted him and opening a door pushed him gently in. Reaching again the ground floor another human being confronted him and he also needed help to the first floor. But when our Professor found yet another fellow-creature in distress his curiosity was aroused and he said:

"It is strange that there should be three men needing help to the first floor of the same house."

"Not so strange, mister," replied the prone figure, "seeing as 'ow you've dropped me down the lift 'ole twice."

CHAPS

A pretty girl was complaining to a young Quaker that she was dreadfully troubled by chaps on her lips. "Friend Mary!" replied the Quaker, "thou shouldst not permit the chaps to come so near the lips."

TWINS

A farmer became the father of twins and on learning the news he was so delighted that he hurried to the nearest post-office and sent this telegram to his sister-in-law.

"Twins to-day. More to-morrow."

A NATURAL OBJECTION

The Daylight Saving Bill has its detractors as well as its advocates. Of the former it is said that milkmen are the chief, but as Jones said to William: "It's but natural. A milkman would pour cold water on anything."

BADLY PUT

A doctor of eminence was called up on the telephone by an anxious lady. "Are you a baby specialist?" he was asked.

"No," was the reply, "I'm a full-grown man."

A DOUBTFUL MARKET

A boy in an office was dissatisfied with his prospects and gave notice. "You are making a mistake," said his employer, "you will do better to remain here. Remember, a rolling stone gathers no moss."

"Who wants moss?" replied the youth. "Where's the market for it, I should like to know?"

SEQUENCES

An old gentleman engaged a footman, and having instructed him in his duties asked him if he understood sequences.

"I don't know, sir," replied the man; "will you please explain?"

"Why," he said, "when I ask you to lay the cloth, you are to put the knives, forks, salt, etc., on the table."

"Oh, sir," replied the footman, "if that's all, no doubt I shall please you."

His master, being ill one morning, ordered him to fetch a nurse with all speed. He did not return until late at night, and on being reproached explained the delay by telling that he went and found the nurse who was below; the sequences of a nurse, he thought, were a chemist, a doctor, a surgeon, and an undertaker; and he had asked them all to attend--in fact they were now waiting below.

TWO POINTS OF VIEW

A lawyer travelling by the Great Western to his circuit, wished to be alone in order to study a brief, and having for his single companion a mild clergyman, he got rid of him by affecting insanity. This he did so naturally that all the clergyman's efforts, after the first quarter of an hour, were directed to soothe and conciliate his fellow-passenger. As they passed the great Middlesex Asylum, he observed, like a nurse with a fractious child, "How pretty Hanwell looks from the railway." "Ah," answered the lawyer, with a slight bark, "you should see how the railway looks from Hanwell." At the next station the divine got out precipitately, and left the lawyer to himself.

A CANNIBAL

Willie had reached the tender and somewhat difficult age of six when his uncle Edward came on a visit. His first conversation proved rather trying.

"Uncle, you must be a sort o' cannibal.

"A what, sir? What d'yer mean, sir?" returned the uncle.

"'Cause mamma said you was always livin' on somebody!"

TO LET--UNFURNISHED

When it was suggested that the squire's son should enter Parliament he was asked which side he would take. The young man replied that he would vote with those who had the most to offer him, and that he should wear on his forehead a label "To Let." "Do, Tom," commented his father, "and write underneath those words 'unfurnished.'"

A FRIEND OF SATAN

A clergyman who was an enthusiastic geologist always carried his specimens about in a handkerchief such as navvies use to carry their dinners in. One day, as he was returning home with the handkerchief full of specimens, he saw a navvy seated at the top of a well swearing vigorously because he could not make the windlass work.

"My friend," said the clergyman gravely, "do you know Satan?"

"Satan," said the man; "who's he? Wait a moment, sir," he added, "I'll ask my mate. Bill," he called, "do you know Satan?"

The answer came from down the well: "No. Why?"

"Well," said the one at the top, eyeing the handkerchief, "there's a bloke up here wot's got his dinner!"

THE TEDDY BEAR

A little girl received a present of a Teddy Bear. Unfortunately one of its eyes was injured in the post. Asked what name she had given it, the child said, "I call it Gladly, because I read in a book the other day, 'Gladly my cross I'd bear.'"

BROTHERLY LOVE

"Ah!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been preaching to a congregation of asses." "Was that the reason why you always called them beloved brethren?" a lady inquired.

CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES

On his removal to Bath after his retirement, Quin, the actor, found himself extravagantly charged for everything, and at the end of the week complained of this to Beau Nash, saying that he had invited him to Bath as being the cheapest place in England for a man of taste and a bon vivant. Nash, himself no mean utterer of wit, replied saying that his townsmen had acted upon truly Christian principles. "How so?" demanded Quin. "Why!" concluded the Beau, "you were a stranger and they took you in."

MULTIPLICATION

The little boy was discovered in front of the rabbit-hutch with a perplexed frown on his forehead. "What's twice two?" he shouted. No response. "What's twice two?" he repeated. "There, I knew teacher was wrong when he said rabbits multiply quickly."

A BIBLICAL STORY

A clergyman during his first curacy found the ladies of the parish too helpful. He soon left the place. Some while later he met his successor. "How are you getting on with the ladies?" asked the escaped curate. "Oh, very well," was the answer, "there's safety in numbers." "I found it in Exodus," was the reply.

THE THOUGHTFUL MAID

"Bridget," said the mistress in a reproving tone of voice, "breakfast is very late this morning. I noticed last night that you had company in the kitchen, and it was nearly twelve o'clock when you went to bed."

"It was, ma'am," admitted Bridget. "I knew you was awake, for I heard ye movin' about; an' I said to meself ye'd need sleep this mornin', an' I wouldn't disturb ye wid an early breakfast, ma'am."

HEMP

Two "nuts" were passing a field where a labourer was sowing. "Well, old man," said one of them to him, "it's your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour." To which the countryman replied, "'Tis very likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp."

GOOD ADVICE

"George," said the farmer half-way through the first banquet in which his son took part, "be careful of the drink. When you see those two lights at the end of the room appear to be four, you may be sure you have had enough, and stop." "But, father," replied the interested son, "I see only one light at present."

CHANGE AND REST

Bishop Creighton used to tell a story of the ready wit of Magee, his predecessor in the see of Peterborough. Magee had been staying at some country place, and on his leaving, the innkeeper had presented an extortionate bill, at the same time expressing the hope that his visitor had had change and rest. "No, indeed," was Magee's reply, "the waiter has got the change and you have got the rest."

THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM

A young recruit was somewhat perturbed regarding a regulation about which his comrades had told him. "If you please, sergeant," he said, "the other fellows say I've got to grow a moustache." "Oh, there's no compulsion about growing a moustache, my lad; but you mustn't shave your upper lip," was the reply.

THE WAY TO YORK

A traveller, lost on a Yorkshire moor, met a member of a shrewd and plain-speaking sect. "This is the way to York, is it not?" said the traveller. To which the other replied, "Friend, first thou tellest me a lie, and then thou askest me a question."

THE WAY TO DO IT

A gentleman, having a light sovereign which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and asked him to pass it. At night he asked him if he had got rid of the coin. "Yes, sir," replied the man, "but I was forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, at a cinema where the admission was threepence, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put it in his pocket and never saw it."

LOT AND THE FLEA

"Children," said the Sunday school superintendent, "this picture illustrates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here is Lot and his daughters, with his wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now has any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the lesson? Well, Susie?"

"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant class, "where ith the flea?"

WHIST

Dr. Parr was very fond of whist and very impatient of any want of skill on the part of those with whom he was playing. Taking a hand with three poor players he was asked by a friend how he was getting on, and replied with cutting sarcasm, "Pretty well, considering that I have three adversaries."

A NEW PRESCRIPTION

An American doctor being called upon to prescribe for a child, whose ailment was not clear to him, said to the nurse, "I'll give the little cuss a powder, then it'll have a fit, and I'm a dab at fits."

JACOB'S LADDER

A clergyman had preached on the subject of Jacob's ladder, and his son, who was present, was much impressed. A few days later he told his father that he had dreamed about his father's discourse. "And what did you see, my son?" "I dreamt," replied the boy, "that I saw a ladder reaching from the ground up into the clouds. At the foot of the ladder were many pieces of chalk and no one was allowed to ascend without taking a piece for the purpose of placing a mark on each rung for each sin committed." "Very interesting, my boy, and what else?" "Well, father, I thought I would go up and I marked the rungs as I went, but I hadn't got very far when I heard someone coming down." "Yes," said the father, "and who was that?" "You, father," replied the boy. "I, whatever was I coming down for?" "More chalk," was the reply.

A PORTRAIT

A photographer went with a friend to an exhibition of paintings. The latter called his attention to a portrait of an angular lady in evening dress. "Ha," he exclaimed in professional tones, "over-exposed and underdeveloped."

BLOATERS

"If a bloater and a half cost three ha'pence, what would thirteen cost?" Tommy did not know and was sent into an adjoining classroom to work out the problem. The boy was very quiet, and on looking to see what he was doing the master discovered him before a blackboard covered with figures. "How are you getting on, Tommy?" he asked. "What was the question, sir?" he replied. "If a bloater and a half----" "Oh, bloaters--I've been working it out in kippers!"

A CONVENIENCE

During a cross-examination an undertaker produced his business card, on which was a telegraphic address. He was asked why the latter should be necessary.

"Oh," interposed the judge, "I suppose it is for the convenience of people who want to be buried in a hurry."

THE PRAYER MEETING

A clergyman met a parishioner of dissolute habits. "I was surprised but very glad to see you at the prayer meeting last evening," he said. "So that's where I was!" replied the man.

TAKING TIME

An old negro was taken ill, and called in a physician of his own race. After a time, as there were no signs of improvement, he asked for a white doctor. Soon after arriving, the doctor felt the old man's pulse, and then examined his tongue. "Did your other doctor take your temperature?" he asked. "I don't know, boss," replied the ailing negro, "I hain't missed nothing but my watch as yet."

KING'S EVIDENCE

When Whitfield first went to America, observing, during his voyage, the dissolute manners of the crew, he invited them to one of his pious declamations, and took occasion to reprehend them for their loose manner of living. "You will certainly," says he, "go to hell. Perhaps you may think I will be an advocate for you; but, believe me, I will tell of all your wicked actions." Upon this one of the sailors, turning to his messmate, observed, "Ay, Jack, that's just the way at the Old Bailey; the greatest rogue always turns king's evidence."

A PLEASANT PROSPECT

"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?" asked the _enfant terrible_.

"Yes, my dear, if you're good."

BALAAM'S SWORD

A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, produced, among many other curiosities, a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is a sword with which Balaam was going to kill his ass." One of the company observed that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one. "You are right," replied the student, "and this is the very sword he wished for."

THE HONORARIUM

The local Council had decided that in consequence of untiring and devoted service they would grant an honorarium to one of their staff.

One of the oldest and most energetic members rose to speak in favour of the presentation, but expressed his opinion that the Council certainly ought to ascertain first whether the young man could play the instrument.

MANNERS

A well-known cleric came to a stile occupied by a farm lad, who was eating his bread and bacon luncheon. The boy making no attempt to allow his reverence to pass, was told that he seemed to be "better fed than taught." "Very likely," answered the lad, "for ye teaches Oi, but Oi feeds meself."

SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING

A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "Oh, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for the honour of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding." "Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."

THE AVERAGE EGG

The teacher asked the arithmetic class: "What is the meaning of the word average?" A small boy replied: "It's a thing that hens lay eggs on." "Why?" "Because I've read that a hen lays an egg on an average once a day."

FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE

A gentleman was one day relating to a Quaker a tale of deep distress, and concluded very pathetically by saying, "I could not but feel for him." "Verily, friend," replied the Quaker, "thou didst right in that thou didst feel for thy neighbour; but didst thou feel in the right place--didst thou feel in thy pocket?"

THE G.O.M.

A clergyman calling at Hawarden, while Mr. Gladstone still held the reins, Mrs. Gladstone entertained him, till her husband, who was upstairs writing, was disengaged. The minister lamented the terrible state of affairs in Ireland and elsewhere, but added consolingly, "There is One above us who will set all right." "Oh, yes," exclaimed Mrs. G., "he'll be down directly."

A NEAT RETORT

A member of a celebrated theatrical family made his first appearance on the operatic stage. His voice, however, was so bad that the conductor of the orchestra called out to him at rehearsal: "Mr. Kemble, Mr. Kemble, you are murdering the music." "My dear Sir," came the retort, "it is far better to murder it outright than to keep on beating it as you do."

A SYDNEY SMITH STORY

To a country squire, who having been worsted in an argument with his rector, remarked, "If I had a son who was an idiot, by Jove! I'd make him a parson," Sydney Smith quietly replied, "I see that your father was of a different mind."

A COMMON DIFFICULTY

A man who had a large family, and but very moderate means to support them, was lamenting to an acquaintance of no family and a large fortune how difficult it was to make both ends meet. "We should not repine," replied his friend; "He that sends mouths, sends food." "That I do not deny," replied the other; "only permit me to observe, He has sent me the mouths, and you the food."

MARY JONES

The Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon service, was trying to interest the children in the Burial Service.

He was dealing with the part which speaks of the changing of the earthly body: but found several of his audience busily engaged in conversation.

Determined to secure better attention if possible, he asked the following question, "And now, Mary Jones, who made your vile body?" To which came the ready answer, "Please, sir, mother did, and I made the skirt."

DONALD COMPLIED

A gentleman having an estate in the Highlands advertised the shootings to let, and told his gamekeeper, Donald, to praise the place for all it was worth.

An Englishman, inquiring of Donald as to how it was stocked with game, first asked if it had any deer.

Donald's reply was, "Thoosands of them."

"Any grouse?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any partridges?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any woodcock?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

The Englishman, thinking Donald was drawing the long bow, asked if there were any gorillas. Donald drew himself up.

"Well, they are no' so plentifu'; they jist come occasionally, noo and again, like yoursel'."

VEGETARIANISM

It is related of a coachman that his medical adviser prescribed animal food as the best means of restoring health and activity. "Patrick," said he, "you're run down a bit, that's all. What you need is animal food." Remembering his case a few days afterwards, he called upon Pat at his stable. "Well, Pat," he asked, "how are you getting on with the treatment?" "Oh, shure, sir," Pat replied, "Oi manage all right with the grain and oats, but it's mighty hard with the chopped hay."

FELLOW-FEELING

A doctor, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct that the latter was constrained to say: "Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, and that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours."

JONAH AND THE WHALE

"I cannot conceive how Jonah could live in the stomach of a whale," someone said to Father Healy one day.

"Oh, that's nothing," was the reply, "I saw a friend coming out of a fly this morning."

WHOLLY GOOD

At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, "I think if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired effect--she immediately sat down. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother! how could you say what was not the fact." "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on."

"CAREFUL, NOW!"

"How is it, Mary, that whenever I enter the kitchen I always find a man there?" enquired a mistress.

"I don't know, ma'am, indeed, unless it be them there soft shoes ye wears, that don't make no noise," replied Mary.

SAFETY

An English gentleman, travelling through the county of Kilkenny, came to a ford, and hired a boat to take him across. The water being rather more agitated than was agreeable to him, he asked the boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage! "Never," replied Terence; "never. My brother was drowned here last week; but we found him again the next day."

O'BRIEN THE LUCID

"You are not opaque, are you?" sarcastically asked one man of another who was standing in front of him at the theatre. "Faith, an' Oi'm not," replied the other. "It's O'Brien that Oi am."

MERCY

An old woman walking down the church aisle during service in a large red cloak, heard the minister say, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" then the clerk repeated, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" and then the whole congregation echoed, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" "Bless my heart!" cried she, stopping short, "did ye never see an old woman in a red cloak before."

A BULL

"Pat, can you tell me what is an Irish 'bull'?" asked an inquiring tourist. "Well, if your honour has seen four cows lying down in a field, an' one of them standing up, that 'ud be a bull!" retorted Pat triumphantly.

A GOOD REASON

"That's a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes, and he never cries," replied the old lady. "That's because he's never washed," rejoined the youngster.

THE ARREST

"Now, Pat," said a magistrate sympathetically to an "old offender," "what brought you here again?" "Two policemen, sor," was the laconic reply. "Drunk, I suppose?" queried the magistrate. "Yes, sor," said Pat, without relaxing a muscle, "both av them."

CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM

"As you are well up in biblical points, will you tell us the difference between the cherubim and seraphim?" Father Healy was once asked.

"Well, I believe there was a difference between them a long time ago, but they have since made it up."

SOLITUDE

An amusing anecdote is told by Schopenhauer in support of his theory of the ridiculous. One man said to another, "I am very fond of taking long walks by myself." "So am I," said the other; "our tastes are congenial, so let us take long walks together."

A QUESTION OF NUMBERS

A nursery-maid was leading a little child up and down a garden. "Is't a laddie or a lassie?" asked the gardener. "A laddie," said the maid. "Weel," said he, "I'm glad o' that, for there's ower mony women in the world." "Heck, mon," said Jess, "did ye no ken there's ay maist sown o' the best crop?"

AMERICAN POULTRY

A wealthy Irish-American was proud of the opportunity to do the honours and "show off" on the occasion of a visit to New York of one of his compatriots from the "Ould Counthry." To dazzle him he invited him to dine at one of the most notable and "toniest" of restaurants. "Now, me bhoy," he said, "just you follow my lead, and I'll order everything of the best." Seated at table, the host led off with--"Waiter, fetch a couple of cocktails." His friend gave himself away, however, when he whispered audibly--"Waiter, if ye don't moind, I'd rather have a wing."

GRACE MAL A PROPOS

A milliner's apprentice, about to wait upon a duchess, was fearful of committing some error in her deportment. She therefore consulted a friend as to the manner in which she should consult this great personage, and was told that, on going before the duchess, she must say her Grace, and so on. Accordingly, away went the girl, and, on being introduced, after a very low curtsey, she said: "For what I am going to receive, the Lord make me truly thankful." To which the duchess answered: "Amen!"

THE POOR IDIOT

A dull preacher in a country church sent all the congregation to sleep, except an idiot, who sat with open mouth, listening. The parson became enraged, and, thumping the pulpit, exclaimed, "What! all asleep but this poor idiot!" "Aye," replied the lad, "and if I had not been a poor idiot, I should have been asleep too."

A WELSH WIG-GING

An Englishman and a Welshman were disputing in whose country was the best living. Said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner." "Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man toasted his own cheese."

FORGIVENESS

"I intend to pray that you may forgive Casey for having thrown that brick at you," said the parson, when he called to see a man who had been worsted in a melee. "Mebbe yer riv'rence 'ud be saving toime if ye'd just wait till Oi git well, an' then pray for Casey," replied the patient.

AN ODD COMPARISON

Sir William B----, speaking at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at the two Universities, and at two colleges in each University?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."

ACOUSTICS

When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York Buildings, for public orations, he happened at that time to be behindhand in his payments to his workmen; and coming one day among them to see how they were working, he ordered one of them to get into the rostrum and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard. The fellow mounting and scratching his pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no orator. "Oh!" said the knight, "no matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost." "Why here, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "we have been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, Sir, when do you intend to pay us?" "Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have heard enough; I cannot but own that you speak very distinctly, though I don't much admire your subject."

SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT

A boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?" "Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or I'd wring his head off."

BRIGHT AND SHARP

A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and vice versa. "What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!" returned the child.

SOFTNESS

A lady and gentleman conversing together, the latter observed that he always slept in gloves, because it made his hands so soft. "Do you sleep in your hat, too?" the lady asked.

AN EASY QUALIFICATION

Residence in the parish is, of course, required of those who desire their banns to be proclaimed, and an expectant bride and bridegroom must qualify themselves by staying several nights in the parish where such banns are published.

"Do you sleep in the parish?" asked a rector of an intending benedict.

"Yes, sir, I have slept through several of your sermons," was the surprising answer.

MISER'S CHARITY

An illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat," but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is nothing to nobody."

ON TAKING A WIFE

The great Sheridan, giving his son Tom a lecture, said, "You have been fooling about as a bachelor quite long enough. You ought to settle down and take a wife." Tom innocently asked, "Whose wife shall I take?"

THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES

A Bishop, arriving at the end of a railway journey, the porter began collecting his luggage, and said: "How many articles are there, sir?" "Thirty-nine," replied the Bishop imperturbably. The porter hunted round, then said in despair: "There are only fourteen here, sir." "Ah," said the Bishop, smiling, "you are evidently a dissenter."

THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS

A good story of the late portly Duchess of Teck was told by Canon Teignmouth Shore. Her Royal Highness was seated at dinner between Shore and another canon when the former said that she must find herself in rather an alarming position:--

"Canon to right of you, Canon to left of you, Volleys and
thunders."

"Well," replied the Duchess, "this is the very first time I have been connected with the Light Brigade."

HOW TO WIN

"Why is it, Dennis, that you are always fighting with Willie Simpkins? I never hear of you quarrelling with any of the other boys in the neighbourhood." "He's the only one I can lick," answered Dennis.

PIGS

The squire rides up to a farmhouse, and, seeing the small son of the farmer outside, asks the youngster where his father is, and gets the following reply: "Father is in yonder field with the pigs. You'll know him--he's got a 'at on!"

BACON AND THE DEVIL

A Quaker bought from one Bacon a horse which proved to be unsound. Meeting the seller shortly after he taxed him with bad faith and asked him to take the horse back again. But this he refused to do, and finding his remonstrances in vain the Quaker addressed him thus very calmly, "Friend, thou hast doubtless heard of the devil entering the herd of swine, and I find that he still sticks fast to the bacon. Good morning to thee, friend."

HINTS TO MOTHERS

The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the following among his directions for using: "When the baby is done drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under the hydrant. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled."

GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE

A doctor accustomed to high fees had been attending Garrick, charging two guineas a visit. The patient began to grudge this sum and at length decided to halve it, and on the termination of a visit handed the doctor the fee which he had resolved was sufficient. The physician began looking about him as though in search of something. He was asked if he had lost anything. "Sir," replied the doctor, "I believe I have dropped a guinea." "No, doctor," said the patient with quiet significance, "it is I that have dropped a guinea."

A SAFE SHOT

A City gentleman was invited down to the country for "a day with the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally regulated by the size of the bag. "Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but the birds seem exceptionally strong on the wing this year!" "Not all of them, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird about a dozen times. 'E's a-follering you about, sir." "Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?" "Well, sir," came the reply, "I dunno, I'm sure, unless it's for safety."

HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION

It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations of surgeons question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After answering very satisfactorily the numerous enquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration, what would he prescribe? He mentioned many diaphoretic medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus continued, "Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would you take next?" "Why, sir," enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, "I would send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what would."

DIFFERENCES

Someone was endeavouring to convince a certain old lady by quotations from Scripture on some point or other. "You see, Madam," said he, "St. Paul in his Epistle to the Ephesians says," and he repeated the passage to her (as he thought, very impressively). "Yes," replied the lady, very collectedly, "I know all about that; but that's just where Paul and I differ!"

COALS

During the high price of coals, a gentleman, meeting his coal-merchant, asked whether it was a good time to lay in a stock? The knight of the black diamonds shook his head, saying, "Coals are coals now, sir." To which his customer replied, "I am very glad to hear it, for the last you sent me were all slates."

MODESTY

Uncle George gave a children's party. Janet, aged eight, after a silence asked him to help her to some more jam. "Certainly, Janet, but why not help yourself?" The answer came pat, "Because I thought you'd give me more."

AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK

Two ladies, sisters, of whom one was a widow and the other with a husband still living in India, called at a house, and on the former leaving, a gentleman offered to escort her to her carriage. But the sisters resembled each other so much that he mistook the widow for the married one, and when she remarked to him, on the way to the door, how very hot it was, he replied, "Yes, but not so hot as where your husband is!"

MODERN EDUCATION

Two navvies were arguing on education of the present day.

One was of opinion that it was practically of little use, the other that it was of the greatest value. "Look at my boy Jack," he said, "he can answer any question you like to ask him. Here he comes, bringing my dinner. You ask him anything you like." "Jack," said the other, "your father tells me you are getting on well at school. How many are seven and four?" "Twelve," was the prompt reply.

"There you are," said the proud father, "right, within one, first blooming guess."

THE RULING PASSION

One of the chosen people, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-prisoners hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his business, he said, "He waited to see if he could bargain with the hangman for the two shentlemen's clo'."

EDUCATION

"Education is a good thing, Tim, an' don't you run it down." "Ever had any of it, Pat?" "Me? Well, I should say yes. I went to night school all one winter." "An' what did you get to show for it, Pat?" "What did I get? I got four overcoats, three hats, and seven umbrellas. Don't you tell me that going to school is a waste of time."

A LONG GRACE

A parish minister was in the habit of preaching two sermons on a Sunday morning to save his parishioners another journey to church. A young girl in the congregation became so tired and hungry that at the beginning of the second sermon she whispered to her grandmother, who accompanied her, "Come awa', granny, and gang hame, this is a lang grace, and na meat."

THE USE OF FALSE TEETH