Chapter III: Part 3

The dinner had been a huge success, and a highly ornamented pie was much praised. The cook having been complimented was asked how she had managed to impart so much artistic taste into the design. "Well, mum," she replied, "I did it with your false teeth."

HOW TO COLLECT

A public man was appealing on behalf of a certain charity, when a note was handed up to him asking if it would be right for a bankrupt to contribute in response to his appeal. The speaker referred to this in the course of his lecture and said decidedly that such a person could not do so in Christian honesty. "But, my friends," he added, "I would advise you who are not insolvent not to pass the plate this evening, as if you do the people will be sure to say: 'There's another bankrupt!'"

IMPERSONATION

_Captain_: "What's he charged with, Casey?"

_Officer_: "I don't know the regular name fer it, captain; but I caught him a-flirting in the park."

_Captain_: "Ah, that's impersonatin' an officer."

A SMART RETORT

_Facetious Doctor_ (to artist): "The pictures which hang on the walls are your failures, I suppose?"

_Dyspeptic Artist_: "Yes. And that's where you doctors have the pull over us. You can bury yours."

TRUTH WILL OUT

Jim was being chastised by his father, and a passer-by stopped to enquire the reason for the punishment. He was informed that Jim had not locked up the chicken house the previous night. "But surely that's not a very bad offence: the chickens are sure to come home again." The father replied hurriedly, "That's just where the trouble is, Mister, they wouldn't _come_ home; they'd _go_ home."

SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES

A young and energetic curate suggested to the vicar that Sunday afternoon services should be held in the church for the school children.

The Vicar gave his consent, and on the following Sunday afternoon the curate marshalled the children in the churchyard four a-breast to march into the church.

He selected the hymn "Onward, Christian soldiers," and decided to conduct them into the church, in real Salvation Army style, walking backwards.

On entering the church they commenced the verse, "See the mighty army, Satan leading on;" and he wondered why the congregation laughed.

A NEW DISH

A shoemaker in Dublin, getting on well in the way of business, became proud. One day there were customers in the shop when the shop-boy came in to say that the mistress bid him say dinner was ready. "What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Herrings, sir," answered the boy. "All right," said the shoemaker, and when he went up to dinner he reprimanded the boy for not mentioning something decent and big, telling the boy always to mention a good feed when there were any people in the shop. A few days afterwards the boy came to say that dinner was ready. "What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Fish, sir," answered the boy. "What sort of fish?" asked the shoemaker. "A whale, sir," answered the boy.

FULL OF PLUCK

_Countryman_ (to dentist): "I wouldn't pay nothin' extra for gas. Jest pull her out, even if it does hurt."

_Dentist_: "You are plucky, sir. Let me see the tooth."

_Countryman_: "Oh, 'tain't me that's got the toothache; it's me wife. She'll be here in a minute."

CANDID ON BOTH SIDES

"I rise for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man wants it more."

THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS

A dispute about precedence once arose between a Bishop and a Judge, and, after some altercation, the latter thought he would quite confound his opponent by quoting the passage, "For on these two hang all the Law and the Prophets." "Do you not see," said the lawyer in triumph, "that even in this passage of Scripture, _we_ are mentioned first?" "I grant you," said the Bishop, "_you_ hang first."

LUCUS A NON LUCENDO

A man living in a quiet country place invited a neighbour to dine and spend the evening with him. The night being dark, when it was time to go, the guest, who had done himself very well, begged to be allowed to borrow a large lantern in the hall to light him on his way. The next day the host sent his servant round with the following note: "Dear old chap, I shall be glad to have back my parrot and cage if you have finished with it."

THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN

A lady was telling her doctor that her maid objected to going to the Isle of Wight again, as the climate "was not embracing enough," and added, "What am I to do with such a woman?" The doctor replied, "You had better take her to the Isle of Man."

A CUNNING ELDER

A canny Scot had got himself installed in the eldership of the church, and, in consequence, had for some time carried round the ladle for the collections. He had accepted the office of elder because some wag had made him believe that the remuneration was six-pence each Sunday, with a bag of meal on New Year's Day. When the time arrived, he claimed his reward, but was told he had been hoaxed. "It may be sae wi' the meal," he said coolly, "but I took care of the saxpences mysel'."

AS YOU LIKE IT

An old Scotch laird used to say he didn't care how he dressed when in London, "because nobody knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, "because everybody knew him."

UNNECESSARY CIVILITY

Said the youth, in a triumphant tone, to the maid he was about to marry, "Weel, Jenny, haven't I been unco ceevil?" alluding to the circumstance that during their whole courtship he had never even given her a kiss. Her quiet reply was, "Oo, ay, man--senselessly ceevil."

AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE

The scene was a hairdresser's, the front of which was so arranged that passers-by could see what was taking place. A small boy approached and observed the process of hair-cutting with some interest; the singeing of a customer surprised the lad, who called to his chum, "Blimey, Charley, they're looking for 'em with a light now."

AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE

Two Cockney boys were examining the mummies at the British Museum for the first time, and one of them was much puzzled by the labels denoting the age of the contents. "I wonder what those figures mean?" said Charley, stopping before an exhibit marked B.C. 1500. "Garn, silly, don't you know? That's the number of the motor what run over 'im."

TABLE OF COMPARISON

To instil into the mind of his son sound wisdom and business precepts was Cohen senior's earnest endeavour. He taught his offspring much, including the advantages of bankruptcy, failures, and fires. "Two bankruptcies equal one failure, two failures equal one fire," etc. Then Cohen junior looked up brightly.

"Fadder," he asked, "is marriage a failure?"

"Vell, my poy," was the parent's reply, "if you marry a really wealthy woman, marriage is almost as good as a failure."

THE INTELLIGENT CAT

Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.

"It appears to me," one said, that "they seem to pick out the choicest plants to scratch out of the ground."

"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and then sits and actually defies me."

"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.

"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of my greenhouse to defy me."

HEAR! HEAR!

At a local "Parliament" a member much annoyed the House by continually interrupting the speakers with cries of "Hear! Hear!" One of the latter took the opportunity of alluding to a well-known political character of the times, whom he represented as a person who wished to play the rogue, but had only sense enough to play the fool. "Where," he exclaimed with emphatic continuation, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than this?" "Hear! Hear!" was instantly shouted from the usual seat. The speaker bowed and sat down amidst convulsions of laughter.

MISPLACING THE BLAME

"O-o-oo-oh! Bo-o-o-ho-oo!"

As the childish wail rang through the house the anxious mother sprang to her feet. Rushing into the hall, she met her little daughter coming in from the garden and carrying a broken doll by the leg.

"What's the matter, darling?" she asked tenderly.

"O-o-oh, m-o-ther," howled the child, "Willie's broken my do-oll!"

"The naughty boy! How did he do it?"

"I-I-I hit him on the head wiv it!" was the slow response.

WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH

A humorist asked a medical man, with an air of great seriousness, "Why does hanging kill a man?" "Because," began, the explanation, "inspiration is checked, circulation is stopped, and blood suffuses and congests the brain----" "Bosh!" interrupted the wag, "it is because the rope is not long enough to let his feet touch the ground."

MORAL QUALIFICATIONS

A very strong-minded Scotchwoman had been asking the character of a cook she was about to engage. The lady whom the servant was leaving naturally entered a little upon her moral qualifications, and described her as a very decent woman. To which the first-named replied, "Oh, d--n her decency, can she make good porridge?"

MEASURING HIS DISTANCE

A brow-beating counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How came you to be so exact, my friend?" "Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured it."

AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES

A Suffolk clergyman asked a schoolboy what was meant in the Catechism by succouring his father and mother. "Giving on 'em milk," was the prompt reply.

THE LATIN FOR COLD

A schoolmaster asked one of his scholars, in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. "Oh! sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends."

THE CUT DIRECT

A gentleman having his hair cut was asked by the garrulous operator how he would have it done?--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "in silence."

COMMON WANT

In the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began:

"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense----"

"Exactly," interrupted the chairman, "that is precisely what you _do_ want!"

The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.

NOT TO BE BEATEN

A Highlander who prided himself on being able to play any tune on the pipes perched himself on the side of one of his native hills one Sunday morning and commenced blowing for all he was worth.

Presently the minister came along and, going up to MacDougall with the intention of severely reprimanding him, asked in a very harsh voice, "MacDougall, do you know the Ten Commandments?"

MacDougall scratched his chin for a moment and then, in an equally harsh voice, said:

"D'ye think you've beat me? Just whistle the first three or four bars, and I'll hae a try at it."

AN ODD NOTION

A lady the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"

"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," replied the girl; "I'm married!"

"IF----"

"Faith, and it's meself as 'ill niver foind my shilling by the loight of a match. If I 'adn't 'ave lost it I could 'ave bought a flashloight to foind it with."

LATE AND EARLY

The regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very late to the office." "Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but see how early I go!"

A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE

"I keep an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little upon it."

SHARP BOY

A mother admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding tonight."

THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH

"Soldiers must be fearfully dishonest," said a dear old lady in a country village, "as it seems to be a nightly occurrence for a sentry to be relieved of his watch."

CREDIT

A beautiful girl stepped into an American store and asked for a pair of gloves. "Why," said a gallant but impudent clerk, "you may have them for a kiss." "Agreed," said the young lady, pocketing the gloves, and her eyes speaking daggers; "agreed; and as I see you give credit, you may charge it in your books, and collect it the best way you can."

UNKIND

An indifferent artist, who thought himself an excellent painter, was talking pompously about decorating the ceiling of his drawing-room. "I am white-washing it," said he, "and in a short time I shall begin painting." "I think," replied one of his audience, "you had better paint it first, and white-wash it afterwards."

NOT COMPULSORY

A haughty gentleman entering a restaurant was accosted by the waiter with the inquiry, "Soup, sir? Soup, sir?" The customer took no notice and calmly removed his overcoat, on which the waiter reiterated his question. Becoming angry, the gentleman said, "Is it compulsory?" "No," was the reply, "It's oxtail, sir."

"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"

A Fellow of Jesus College was handicapped by stammering, but when he used bad words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road. "Tu-u-rn," was the reply, "to-to-to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out, "Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can tell you!"

AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT

A poor man came to his minister and begged to be unmarried, for he was very unhappy. The minister assured him that was out of the question, and urged him to put away the notion of anything so absurd. The man insisted that the marriage could not hold good, for the wife was worse than the devil. The minister demurred saying that was quite impossible. "Na," said the poor man, "the Bible tells ye that if ye resist the deil he flees frae ye, but if ye resist her she flees at ye."

A DIFFICULT TASK

A school inspector, finding that the boys whom he was examining were inattentive, endeavoured to pull them together.

"Now then," said he, "will somebody please give me a number and watch how I make the figures?"

"74," called out a youth, and the class gazed while the inspector wrote on the board 47.

Another number was called for and a boy cried out "65" the inspector turned round and wrote 56. As the class took no notice the inspector became annoyed, and asked the boys if they noticed nothing different in the figures. Nobody replied, so he thought he would make another attempt and called again for a number. A long pause ensued, but at last a boy stood up and said 33, adding in a low tone, "See what you can do to twist that round."

NON-RUNNERS

An old lady wrote to the S.P.C.A. to protest against the cruel practice of scratching horses. She called special attention to a reference in the morning paper saying that three horses had been scratched on the day of the race--a most cruel and barbarous thing to do.

THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN

An Englishman being doubtful of his way inquired if he were on the right road to Dunkeld. With the national inquisitiveness about strangers the countryman asked his inquirer where he came from. Offended at the liberty as he considered it, the traveller reminded the man that where he came from was nothing to him, but all the reply he got was the quiet rejoinder. "Indeed, it's just as little to me whar ye'r gaen."

A VIOLENT PARTNER

A gentleman well-known for the violence of his temper had occasion to escort a lady down to dinner one evening. Unfortunately the lady was extremely deaf, of which fact her partner was unaware.

After they were seated, the gentleman addressed the lady, "Madam, may I have the honour to help you to some fish?" But he got no reply; after a pause but still in the most courteous accents, "Madam, have I your permission to send you some fish?" Then a little quicker, "Are you inclined to take fish?" Very quick, and rather peremptory, "Madam, do you choose fish?" At last the storm burst, and to everybody's consternation, with a loud thump on the table and stamp on the floor, "D---- you, will you have any fish!"

WISDOM

An Irishman, being asked the meaning of the phrase "posthumous works" readily answered, "Why, to be sure, they are the books that a man writes after he is dead."

A DOUBTFUL POINT

A minister engaged in visiting members in his parish came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of discussion within. After waiting a little, he opened the door and walked in, saying in an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is the head of this house."

"Well, sir," said the husband, and father, "if you will sit down for a little while, maybe we'll be able to tell you, for that is the very point we are now trying to settle."

THE BETTER WAY

A loin of mutton was on a table, and the gentleman opposite to it took the carving knife in hand. "Shall I cut it _saddlewise_?" he asked. "You had better cut it _bridlewise_," replied the master of the house, "for then we shall all stand a better chance to get a bit in our mouths."

A GOOD REASON

"Janet, I think you hardly behave very respectfully to your own minister in one respect," said the minister of a Scottish church to an inattentive member of his congregation.

"Me, sir," exclaimed Janet, "I wad like to see ony man, no to say ony woman, but yoursel say that o' me! what can you mean, sir?"

"Well, Janet, ye ken when I preach, you're almost always fast asleep before I've well given out my text; but when any of these young men from other parishes preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's what I call no using me as you should do."

"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll sune tell you the reason of that. When you preach we a' ken the word of God's safe in your hands; but when these young birkies tak' it in haun, my certie, but it tak's us a' to look after them."

A NEW TEXT

A man having been to church and slept through the greater part of the service was asked by his wife on reaching home what text had been used for the sermon. The husband, confused at the question and unwilling to show his ignorance stuttered out, "What profiteth it a man if he lose the whole world and gain his own soul."

AN AUCTION

Among the conditions of sale by an Irish auctioneer was the following: "The highest bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman bids more."

A REAL SPORT

A man went out rabbit-shooting, but could not get any sport. "So," said he, "I lay down where they could not see me, and made a noise like a turnip."

THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman who had been on holidays were comparing the souvenirs they had collected. The Englishman had a bust of Shakespeare from Stratford-on-Avon, the Irishman a matchbox of bog oak. "Oh," said the Scotchman, "you can't beat this," and he produced a tea-spoon marked "L.&N.W.R."

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