Chapter XV

JOURNEY TO NEW HAMPSHIRE.--LETTERS.--RESIGNS OFFICE OF TRUSTEE AT HOSPITAL.--LETTERS.

A few days after the date of the preceding letter, a change was thought desirable for the improvement of Mr. Lawrence's health; and he accordingly, with Mrs. L., went to Portsmouth, New Hampshire, and remained a week with his friend and brother-in-law, the late Hon. Jeremiah Mason. From thence he proceeded to visit friends in Amherst, New Hampshire, where he was attacked by a severe rheumatic fever, which confined him for several weeks; and it was with great difficulty that he succeeded in reaching home about the 20th of September, after an absence of nearly two months. On the 27th of September, he writes to his son:

"It is only within a few days that I have been able to be removed
to my own house. I am now able to walk my chamber, and sit up
half the day; and, by the best care in the world, I have a fair
hope of again enjoying so much health as to feel that I may yet
be of some use in the world. My bodily sufferings have been great
during this last sickness; but my mind in general has been
quiet. I seem to want nothing which this world can give to make
me an enviably happy man, but your presence and a return of my
health; but these last are wisely withheld. We are apt, in the
abundance of the gift, to lose the recollection whence it came,
and feel that by our own power we can go forward. Happy for us
that we are thus made to feel that all we have is from God; this
recurrence to the Source of all our blessings makes us better
men. I do not expect to be able to leave the house before the
next spring; and, in the mean time, must be subject to the
casualties incident to a person in my situation."

On October 29, Mr. Lawrence, in a letter to the same son, expresses his gratitude for the enjoyment of life, "even in a sick chamber, as mine must be termed."

"I receive my friends here, and once only have walked abroad for
a few minutes. I drive in a carriage every pleasant day, and I
can truly say that my days pass in the full enjoyment of more
than the average of comfort. 'My mind is as easy as it ever is,
and as active as is safe for the body. I employed myself
yesterday in looking over your letters since you left home three
years ago, and was reminded by them that the fourth year of your
absence has just commenced. Although a brief space since it is
passed, an equal time, if we look forward, appears to be far
distant. The question you will naturally ask yourself is, How has
the time been spent? and from the answer you may gather much
instruction for the future. If you have made the best use of this
period, happy is it for you, as the habit of the useful
application of your time will make its continuance more natural
and easy. If you have misused and abused your opportunities,
there is not a moment to be lost in retracing your steps, and
making good, by future effort, what has been lost by want of it.
In short, we can none of us know that a future will be allowed us
to amend and to correct our previous misdoings and omissions; and
it is not less the part of wisdom than of duty to be always up
and doing, that whenever our Master comes we may be ready. I
never was made so sensible before of the power of the mind over
the body. It is a matter of surprise to some of my friends, who
have known my constant habits of business for a quarter of a
century, that I can find so much comfort and quiet in the
confinement of my house, when I feel so well, and there are so
many calls for my labors abroad. I hope to pursue such a discreet
course as shall allow me to come forth in the spring with my poor
frame so far renovated and restored as to enable me to take my
place among the active laborers of the day, and do what little I
may for the advancement and well-being of my generation. If,
however, I should, by any accident or exposure, be again brought
to a bed of pain and suffering, may God grant me a patient and
submissive temper to bear whatever may be put upon me, with a
full conviction that such chastisements will tend to my good, if
I make a right use of them!"

The first of January, 1832, found Mr. Lawrence confined to his sick room, and unable, from bodily weakness, to drive out in the open air, as he had hitherto done. He writes to his son:

"I am reminded, by the new year, that another portion of time has
passed, by which we are accustomed to measure in prospect the
space that is allotted us here; and the reflections at the close
of the old and the commencement of the new year are calculated,
if we do not cheat ourselves, to make us better than we otherwise
should be. I am enjoying myself highly under the close
confinement of two parlor chambers, from which I have only
travelled into the entry since November. I have lived pretty much
as other prisoners of a different character live, as regards
food; namely, on bread and water, or bread and coffee or cocoa. I
have come to the conclusion that the man who lives on bread and
water, if he have enough, is the genuine epicure, according to
the original and true meaning. I am favored with the visits of
more pretty and interesting ladies than any _layman_ in the city,
I believe. My rooms are quite a resort; and, old fellow as I am,
I have the vanity to suppose I render myself quite agreeable to
them."

On the same day, in a letter of sympathy to his sister-in-law, whose invalid son was about to leave for a long voyage, he writes:

"While my family are all absent at church, I am sitting alone, my
mind going back to the beginning of the year just ended and
forward through that just commenced; and, in view of both
periods, I can see nothing but the unbounded goodness of our
heavenly Father and best friend, in all that has been taken from
me, as well as in all that is left to me. I can say, with
sincerity, that I never have had so much to call forth my warmest
and deepest gratitude for favors bestowed as at the present time.
Among my sources of happiness is a settled conviction that, in
chastening his children, God desires their good; and if his
chastisements are thus viewed, we cannot receive them in any
other light than as manifestations of his fatherly care and
kindness. Although, at times, 'clouds and darkness are round
about him,' we do certainly know, by the words of inspiration,
'that justice and judgment are the habitation of his throne,' and
goodness and mercy the attributes of his character; and if it
should please him further to try me with disease during the
period of my probation, my prayer to him is that my mind and
heart may remain stayed on him, and that I may practically
illustrate those words of our blessed Saviour, 'Not my will, but
thine be done.' It is quite possible that there may still be a
few years of probation for me; but it is more probable that I may
not remain here to the close of the present; but whether I remain
longer or shorter is of little consequence, compared with the
preparation or the dress in which I may be found when called
away. It has seemed to me that the habit of mind we cultivate
here will be that which will abide with us hereafter; and that
heaven is as truly begun here as that the affections which make
us love our friends grow stronger by use, and improve by
cultivation. We are here in our infancy; the feelings cherished
at this period grow with our growth, and, in the progress of
time, will fit us for the highest enjoyments of the most distant
future. I say, then, what sources of happiness are open to us,
not only for the present, but for all future time! These hasty
remarks are elicited on occasion of the separation so soon to
take place from your son. I know full well the anxieties of a
parent on such an occasion.

"His health cannot, of course, be certainly predicted; but you
will have the comfort of knowing that you have done everything
that the fondest parents could do in this particular, whatever
effect the absence may have upon him.

"---- should feel that his obligations are increased, with his
means and opportunities for improvement. If by travel he acquire
a better education, and can make himself more useful on his
return, he can no more divest himself of his increased duties,
than he can divest himself of his duty to be honest. The account
is to be rendered for the use of the talents, whether they be
ten, or five, or one. If I have opportunity, I shall write a few
lines to ---- before he leaves. If I should not, I desire him to
feel that I have great affection for him, and deep interest in
his progress, and an ardent hope that his health, improvement,
and knowledge, may be commensurate with the rare advantages he
will enjoy for the acquisition of all.

"I know the tender feelings of your husband on all things
touching his family or friends; and perhaps I may find
opportunity to speak a word of comfort to him. But I know not
what more to say than to reiterate the sentiment here expressed.
Nature will have its way for a time, but I hope reason will be
sufficient to make that time very short. Whatever time it may be,
of this I feel confident, that, after the feelings have once
subsided, ---- will have all the sunshine and joy which the event
is calculated to produce. He cannot know until he has realized
the pleasure of hearing the absent ones speak, as it were, in his
ear, from a distance of three thousand miles.

"May the best blessings of the Almighty rest on you and yours!
From your ever affectionate

A. L."

(TO HIS SON.)

"Sunday morning, Feb. 5, 1832.

"I have seated myself at my writing-desk, notwithstanding it is
holy time, in the hope and belief that I am in the way of duty.
This consecration of one day in seven to the duties of
religion,--comprising, as these do, every duty,--and if they be
well performed, to self-examination, is a glorious renovation of
the world. Who that has witnessed the effects of this rest upon
the moral and physical condition of a people, can doubt the
wisdom of the appointment? Wherever we turn our eyes or our
thoughts, if we only will be as honest and candid, in our
estimate of the value of the provision made for us, as we
ordinarily are in our estimate of the character and conduct of
our fellow-men, we must be struck with admiration and gratitude
to that merciful Father who has seen our wants, and provided for
our comfort to an extent to which the care and provision of the
best earthly parents for their children hardly gives the name of
resemblance."

In speaking of some application for aid which he had received from a charitable institution, he writes to his son:

"Our people are liberally disposed, and contribute to most
objects which present a fair claim to their aid. I think you will
find great advantage in doing this part of your duty upon a
system which you can adopt; thus, for instance, divide your
expenses into ten parts, nine of which may be termed for what is
considered necessary, making a liberal calculation for such as
your situation would render proper, and one part applied for the
promotion of objects not directly or legally claiming your
support, but such as every good citizen would desire to have
succeed. This, I think, you will find the most agreeable part of
your expense; and, if you should be favored with an abundance of
means later in life, you may enlarge your appropriations of this
sort, so as to be equal to one tenth of your income. Neither
yourself nor those who depend upon you will ever feel the poorer.
I assume that you have plenty, in thus fixing the proportion. I
believe the rule might be profitably adopted by many who have
small means; for they would save more by method than they would
be required to pay.

"To-morrow completes a hundred years since the birth of
Washington. The day will be celebrated, from one end of the
country to the other, with suitable demonstrations of respect, by
processions, orations, and religious ceremonies, according to the
feelings of the people who join in it. I think the spectacle will
be a grand one, of a whole people brought together to commemorate
the birth of one of their fellow-mortals, who by his virtues and
his talents has made his memory immortal, and whose precepts and
example are calculated to secure happiness to the countless
millions of his fellow-beings who are to people this vast empire
through all future time. It is permitted to few to have open to
them such a field as Washington had; but no one since the
Christian era has filled his sphere so gloriously. We are jogging
along, in political, theological and commercial affairs, very
much as usual."

During the month of January, Mr. Lawrence, on account of ill health, resigned his seat in the Board of Trustees of the Massachusetts General Hospital, in which he had served for several years. This duty had always been one of unmingled pleasure to him; and, by means of his visits there, and at the McLean Asylum for the Insane, under the management of the same board, he became conversant with a class of sufferers who had excited a great interest in his mind, and whom he often visited during the remainder of his life, to cheer them in their sadness, and to convey to them such little tokens of kindness as assured them of his interest and sympathy.

In a letter to his second son, at Andover, he writes, April 21:

"You will be glad to hear I have got along very well through the
wet, cold weather of the week, and am looking forward with
cheerful hope to the sunny days to come. If it were not for my
faculty of turning present disappointments to future pleasures in
prospect, I should run down in spirits. I have always indulged
myself in castle-building; but have generally taken care so to
build as to be in no danger of their falling on my head, so that
when I have gone as far with one as is safe, if it does not
promise well, I transfer my labor to another, and thus am always
supplied with objects. The last one finished was commenced last
May, and it is one I delight to think of. It was then I
determined to get your Uncle Mason[3] here. N. thought it a
castle without foundation, but the result shows otherwise.

"I send some of W.'s late letters, by which you perceive he is
not idle; the thought of the dear fellow makes the tears start.
God in mercy grant him a safe return, fully impressed with his
obligations as a man and a Christian! That I am now living in the
enjoyment of so much health, surrounded by so many blessings, is
overpowering to my feelings. What shall I render unto God for all
these benefits? I feel my unworthiness, and devoutly pray him
that I may never lose sight of the great end of my being; and
that, whenever it shall please him to call me hence, I may be
found in the company of the redeemed through the merits and
mediation of the Son of his love. If there is any one thing I
would impress on your mind more strongly than another, it is to
give good heed to the religious impressions with which you may
be imbued; and, at a future day, these may prove a foundation
that will support you when all other supports would fail. The
youthful imagination frequently magnifies objects at a distance;
experience is an able teacher, and detects, too late, perhaps,
the fraud upon youth. Be wise in time, and avoid this fraud."

[3] Hon. Jeremiah Mason, of Portsmouth, New Hampshire, who passed the
rest of his life in Boston.

A few days later, he writes to the same son, on the subject of systematic charity:

"It is one of my privileges, not less than one of my duties, to
be able thus to administer to the comfort of a circle of very
dear friends. I hope you will one day have the delightful
consciousness of using a portion of your means in a way to give
you as much pleasure as I now experience. Your wants may be
brought within a very moderate compass; and I hope you will never
feel yourself at liberty to waste on yourself such means, as, by
system and right principles, may be beneficially applied to the
good of those around you. Providence has given us unerring
principles to guide us in our duties of this sort. Our first duty
is to those of our own household, then extending to kindred,
friends, neighbors (and the term 'neighbor' may, in its broadest
sense, take in the whole human family), citizens of our state,
then of our country, then of the other countries of the world."

In another letter, written soon after the preceding, he speaks of certain principles of business which governed him in early life, and adds:

"The secret of the whole matter was, that we had formed the habit
of promptly acting, thus taking the _top of the tide_; while the
habit of some others was to delay until about _half-tide_, thus
getting on the flats; while we were all the time prepared for
action, and ready to put into any port that promised well. I
wish, by all these remarks, to impress upon you the necessity of
qualifying yourself to support yourself. The best education that
I can secure shall be yours, and such facilities for usefulness
as may be in my power shall be rendered; but no food to pamper
idleness or wickedness will I ever supply willingly to any
connection, however near. I trust I have none who will ever
misuse so basely anything that may come to them as a blessing.
This letter, you may think, has an undue proportion of advice.
'Line upon line, precept upon precept,' is recommended by one
wiser than I am."

(TO HIS DAUGHTER.)

"Sunday morn.

"MY DEAR DAUGHTER: In the quiet of this morning, my mind
naturally rests on those objects nearest and dearest to me; and
you, my child, are among the first.

"The family are all at church, but the weather is not such as to
permit my going; and the season by them employed in the service
of the sanctuary will by me be employed in communicating with
you.

"You have now arrived at an age when the mind and heart are most
susceptible of impressions for weal or woe; and the direction
which may be given to them is what no parent can view with
indifference, or pass over without incurring the guilt of being
unfaithful in his duties. My earnest desire for you is, that you
may fully appreciate your opportunities and responsibilities, and
so use them that you may acquire a reasonable hope that you may
secure the object for which we are placed here. The probation is
short, but long enough to do all that is required of us, if
faithfully used; the consequences are never-ending.

"These simple views are such as any child of your age can
comprehend, and should be made as familiar to your mind as the
every-day duties of life. If the mind, from early days, be thus
accustomed to look upon life as a school of preparation for
higher services, then the changes and adversities to which we are
all liable can only be viewed as necessary discipline to fit us
for those higher services, and as such be considered as applied
for our good, however painful they may seem at first. There is no
truth better settled than this: that all the discipline of our
heavenly Parent, if rightly used, will eventuate in our good.
How, then, can we murmur and repine at his dealings with us? This
conduct only shows our weakness and folly, and illustrates the
better care of us than we should take of ourselves.

"We are in the condition of the sick man, who sometimes craves
that which, if given him by his friend, would cause his certain
death; but he is not aware at the time that it is withheld for
his good. The importance, then, of cultivating a right
understanding of the things of which our duties and our happiness
are composed, is second to no object which can employ the mind;
for, with this knowledge, we must suppose that no one can be so
lost to his own interest as not to feel that in the performance
of these duties is to result the possession of those riches which
are promised to the faithful by our Father in heaven, through the
Son of his love. In the preparation which awaits you, do not stop
at the things which are seen, but look to those which are unseen.
These views, perhaps, may be profitably pondered long after I
have been gathered to my fathers.

"The tenure of my life seems very frail; still it may continue
longer than the lives of my children; but, whenever it shall
please God to call me hence, I hope to feel resigned to his will,
and to leave behind me such an influence as shall help forward
the timid and faint-hearted in the path of duty; and particularly
on you, my child, do I urge these views. They debar you from no
real or reasonable pleasure; they speak to you, in strong
language, to enjoy all those blessings which a bountiful Parent
has scattered in your path with unsparing plenty, and admonish
you that to enjoy is not to abuse them; when abused, they cease
to be enjoyed."