Chapter M: V. O'shea (1)

Madison, Wisconsin.

Ever since I was five years old my dear friends, the fairies, have whispered jingles to me as keys to Memory's storehouse. As these jingles have been of great assistance in my studies, I have asked my good publishers to put them in book form with the hope that they may help, or at least amuse, many girls and boys.

WINIFRED SACKVILLE STONER, JR.

CONTENTS

PAGE

Adam's Funny Bone 238

After the Fourth Was Over 57

All Dentists Go to Heaven 47

All the World Cries 93

Answers, Not Questions, Cause Trouble 22

Appeal to the Fairies, An 187

Are All Angels Blonds? 304

Armadillo, The 199

At Easter 242

Autos Change Good Luck 85

Autumn, Queen of Year 88

Baa! Baa! Black Sheep 206

Bach, Johann Sebastian 269

Bachelor's Opinion of a Baby, A 156

Barber, Barber, Shave a Pig 226

Beethoven, Ludwig von 265

Berlioz, Louis Hector 293

Best Month of All, The 194

Beware of Stings 181

Beware of the Wet 144

Birthday Wish, A 205

B. O. K. Fairy, The 185

Bony Song, A 17

Book Mark, A 200

Bo-Peep 209

Boy Who Was Hero and Villain, A 84

Boy's Complaint, A 31

Boy's Description of a Goat, A 87

Brahms, Johannes 267

Brick Versus Watch 148

Bridget Makes Split Pea Soup 2

Brunettes All the Rage 121

Butcher, Baker, Candle-Stick Maker 221

Careful Mother, The 3

Cat Extincted the Canary, The 16

Cats a Kissin' (Catechism) 122

Children's Prayer, The 255

Chopin, Frédéric François 261

Christmas Wish for All My Friends, 40

Could Only Ask Questions 126

Cultus Mitlite 127

Curly Locks 230

Czerny, Karl 303

Dans Ma Cuisine 166

Dans Ma Maison 163

Dans Mon Joli Jardin 165

Days of Chivalry, The 142

Dickory Dock 226

Doctor Foster 217

Dux Femina Via 203

Easter Greeting 65

Easter Greeting to My Friend 90

Eatable Alphabet, An 241

England's Kings in Rhyme 115

Equal Franchise Valentine, An 180

Esperanto Grammar 198

Esperanto Poem Plain to All, An 154

Fairy Centaphrase, The 254

First Forks, The 110

First Match, The 97

First Metal Plow, The 106

Five Best Fairies, The 177

Five-Foot Shelf of Summer Books, A 15

Five Good Giants 200

Five Little Pigs 231

Franz, Robert 259

Frog Who Would A-Wooing Go, A 211

Furs Lined with Kittens 12

German Jinglette, A 236

Ghost Story, A 153

Giant Arithmos, The 67

Girls' Alphabet, The 243

Glorious O, The 237

Glück, Christopher Willibald 292

Good B's and Bad T's 30

Good-Bye to Teddy Bears 99

Good People Everywhere 305

Good Weather Assured 92

Goosey, Goosey Gander 212

Gottschalk, Louis Moreau 298

Grammar in a Nutshell 183

Grandma Turkey's Lament 21

Grandpa's Head Turns Frew His Hair 5

Great A, Little A 234

Great Surprise, A 1

Greatest Kings of Music Land, The 262

Greedy Imps 157

Greetings to Norfolk 158

Grouch-Bug, The 33

Growing Things 4

Handel, George Frederick 263

Hark! Hark! the Dogs Do Bark 228

Haydn, Franz Joseph 271

Hens 36

Her Turn Coming 128

Hope 94

Hot Cross Buns 230

How Mother Learned Natural History 141

How Simple Simon Became Wise 184

How to Be Happy 136

Humpty Dumpty 231

In India 189

Information by Phone 123

I'm Glad I'm Not an Exo 245

I Prefer a Lazy Bee 169

It Takes a Cigar a Long Time to Wear Out 105

Jack and Jill 226

Jack, Be Nimble 217

Jack Spratt 214, 229

Job Smarter Than Modern Babies 80

Johnnie's Conundrum 130

Joke on Onklo Karlo, A 8

Kind Hearts 35

King Teddy the Fearless 32

King's Questions, The 111

Kitten Gone to Waste, A 78

Kitty, Where Have You Been? 213

Koppa After Pi 148

Last of Mary Had a Little Lamb 28

Lazy White Men Sit While Flying Through the Air 104

Learning the French Alphabet 161

Legend of Westminster Abbey 140

Legends of the Coronation Stone 107

Let Ma Vote 173

Let the Bumble Be 20

Liszt, Franz 288

Little Boy and the Little Sparrow, The 223

Little Boy Blue 215

Little Girl with the Little Curl, The 236

Little Man with the Little Gun, The 209

Little Mary with Her Canary 220

Little Miss Muffet 212

Little Tommy Tucker 228

Mabel at the Butcher Shop 48

Man in the Moon, The 233

Marjory Daw 233

Mary Had a Lamb Song 234

Mary Had a Little Lamb 235

Mary, Quite Contrary 220

Memory Jogger for Your Desk, A 249

Mendelssohn, Jakob Ludwig Felix 296

Midsummer Joys 56

Miller on the Dee, The 206

Mother Hubbard 215

Mother Wotsat, of Wanamakerland 252

Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus 273

Much Learning Saves Ignatius 13

Multiplication Is Vexation 216

Museum's Fat Lady, The 10

Music 258

My Black Hen 234

My Christmas Wish 86

My Country 156

My Easter Wish 54

My Impression of Newspaper Men 151

My Son John 225

Nature's Music 260

'Neath Niagara Falls 182

Nervous Jelly 82

New Baby, The 98

New Year Babe, The 81

Nissen the Santa Claus of Norway 37

North Pole Jingle 240

Ode to a Faithful Dog Dubbed Pickles, An 256

Oh, Pretty Little Girl, Where Are You Going? 232

Old Garden, An 171

Old King Cole 225

Old Mother Goose 227

Old-Time and a Modern Song, An 139

Old Woman in a Shoe, The 222

Old Woman, Mother Goose, The 207

On Midsummer Night 143

On Thanksgiving 51

One, Two, Three, Four, Five 236

Only Naughty Children See Spooks on Hallowe'en 53

Oriental Metaphor 159

Our Presidents 124

Papa's Sainted Leg 186

Past and Present Eve, The 149

Patti Cake 224

Patti Lou at the Zoo 11

Peace Forerunner--"Love Mankind" 257

Pearl of Lakes, The 9

Peas Pudding Hot 219

Peter Pumpkin Eater 216

Peter Visits an Episcopal Church 152

Pets' Christmas Carol, The 52

Pickerino--The Cook's Fate, A 106

Plea to Editors, A 196

Plea to Knights and Ladies Fair, A 194

Please, Grandpa, Croak 108

Pretty Little Maid with Pretty Little Bonnet 235

Pretty Maid, Where Are You Going? 210

Pride 79

Pure-Blooded Pup, The 69

Pussy in the Well 218

Queen of Flowerhood 239

Rain, Rain, Go Away 221

Revenge on an Aching Tooth 137

Riddle, A 96

Rock-a-Bye, Baby 213

Roosevelt Compliments Mama Lion 23

Rubinstein, Anton 289

Santa's Reindeer in the Sky 41

Saying His Speech 195

Scarlatti, Alessandro 302

Schubert, Franz Peter 277

Schumann, Robert 279

Seeking Bargains 126

Simple Simon 214

Sing a Song of Sixpence 222

Sing Joyfully on Your Way 218

Six in the Cemetery 125

Six Little Mice Sat Down to Spin 208

Skillet in Society, A 66

Sleepers in Westminster Abbey 100

Snail, Snail, Come Out of Your Hole 223

Song of Home, A 175

Song of the Woods, A 147

Soul of a Miser, The 160

Spelling Wrong "Rong" 172

Strauss, Johann 300

Susan Rewarded for Twenty Years' Service 6

Taffy Was a Thief 229

Take That Gum from Your Mouth and Put Your Feet Right In 91

Tasmania 197

Tersest Bathing Suit, The 89

Thanksgiving in 20,000 A. D. 49

Then and Now 176

Three Blind Mice 224

Three Cheers for Typewriters! 247

Three Wise Men of Gotham 208

Time of His Life, The 25

Titania's Toyland 253

Titanic's Noble Band 131

To Friends Who Remembered Me When I Was Ill 158

To Market 232

To Modern Knights 145

To My Leap Year Valentine 244

To My Valentine 58

To Save Him from a Whipping 109

Tom the Piper's Son 219

Too Many Dolls 27

Too Ticklish to Count His Ribs 104

Torpid Liver 'Sploded Him, A 160

Twilight 14

Uncle Sam's Pittsburgh Arsenal 201

Un Petit Barbare Pou 167

Verdi, Giuseppe 281

Wagner, Wilhelm Richard 275

Weber, Karl Maria Friedrich Ernst von 295

Wee Willie's First Hair Cut 24

When Will We Be Old Enough? 129

When Women Vote 170

Whingwang Sonnet of an Easter Bonnet, A 55

Who Is Mother Goose 233

Wilmington's Good Fairy 251

Wilmington's Santa Claus 250

Winds of March, The 155

Winking Star, The 26

Wise Replies 168

Woes Caused by Whooping Bugs 29

Wonderland of Matematiko, The 59

Wondrous Growing Baby, A 7

World's a Mirror, The 248

Young Mail Carrier, The 95

FACTS IN JINGLES

A GREAT SURPRISE

On the nineteenth day of August, in the year of nineteen two,
Most kind and gracious Madame Stork right over Norfolk flew,
And brought to my dear mother there a wonderful surprise,
A little red-brown baby girl with large blackberry eyes.
Now mother, she had asked the stork to bring her greatest joy
And drop a bundle at her door containing a wee boy;
But when the stork made a mistake and brought just little me,
She thought that I was better far than any boy could be,
And wrapped me in the blanket which she'd planned for my wee brother
And which my dear "Ma Mie" had knit to help my busy mother.
She changed the name of Lionel to little Winifred,
And all the things for brother planned, she gave to me instead.

BRIDGET MAKES SPLIT PEA SOUP

"Bridget," asked the mistress, "whatever is the matter,
Nothing ready for our lunch excepting pancake batter?
Why, I invited guests to come for lunch at half-past one,
And they've been waiting all this time and yet there's nothing done."

"Well, mum," replied Miss Bridget, "the fault is all your own,
For split pea soup you ordered and, workin' here alone,
It's took me just two hours while tryin' just to split
Three hundred of these blarsted peas, which give me most a fit,
And as there's still three hundred, 'twill take two hours more
To split the pesky little things, shure as me name's MAHORE!"

THE CAREFUL MOTHER

Now come, dear John, and go to school,
I hope you know your every rule.
No, do not kiss me, Johnnie dear,
My mouth is full of germs I fear.

Love, as you walk along the street,
You must not pat each dog you meet.
Alas! you naughty, careless lad,
You've touched the cat, how sad, how sad!
For I must sterilize again
Your hands and face and books and pen.

Now, take each antiseptic glove
And quickly into each one shove
Your fingers which are prone to be
From dreaded germs--ah, never free.

Here's "SURE-GERM-KILLER" in a case.
Put some at once on hands and face,
For, oh, I fear those dreadful GERMS
May some day make you food for worms!

GROWING THINGS

My dearest friend, John M--, and I, at least our mothers say,
Are growing just as weeds will grow in April and in May.
John's legs they grow so very fast his pants they leave his knees,
His jackets get so very tight they burst if he dare sneeze.
His head grows large and larger, I suppose because of brains,
So when he wears his last year's cap, it causes lots of pains.

And I am such a growing thing, my dresses they won't last
More than a month before the spot marked by my knees is passed.
And when I had the measles and had to stay in bed,
You scarcely can believe me, but I grew from foot to head.

So everyone who saw me said that I had grown an inch,
And when I tried to wear my shoes, oh, my, but they did pinch!
But generally my shoes don't last until they are too small,
Because I kick the toes right out while playing at football.

GRANDPA'S HEAD TUMS FREW HIS HAIR

When Margaret was a youngster scarcely two years old,
At climbing chairs and tables this lass was very bold.
And one day when her grandpa was seated in his chair,
She climbed upon the rounded rungs as if they were a stair,
And looking at her grandpa's head, which fast was growing bald,
She cried out, "Dearest Grandpa, one time you must hab failed,
Or maybe you've been naughty and dot an awful scare,
Which taused the top ob yu's round head to tum right frew de hair."

SUSAN REWARDED FOR TWENTY YEARS' SERVICE

Professor Theophilus Socrates Snook
One day paid a visit to Susan, his cook,
And, beaming upon her with kindliest look,
Said, "Susan, my dear, please gaze at this book.
In here you may learn of elephantiasis,
And also the hookworm, uncinariasis;
Of craw-craw and chiggers, of ainhum and sprue,
And all that I've written about them is true.
Now, Susan, to me you've been faithful, my dear,
In keeping my house for many a year;
For years nearly twenty you've been now with me,
Cooking my victuals just as they should be,
And truly I think a reward I should pay
To one who has labored from day unto day.
So when I discovered a wondrous new germ,
Which causes young children to wiggle and squirm,
I thought that this bug for you I would name
And bring you great glory and honor and fame.
It's a wondrous discovery, this ungomariasis,
And so we will call it the SUSANBONPIASIS."
"No, thank you, your honor," said Susan Bawben,
"I had the bugs once and don't want 'em again.
And if you onsist upon callin' me BUGS,
I'll lave you alone wid your books and your drugs."

A WONDROUS GROWING BABY

FIRST LADY:

"Just now I heard a story, which sister says is true,
About a lovely baby which grew and grew and grew,
Because its mother fed it on full gallons of good milk,
So that it gained ten pounds a day and looked as fine as silk."

SECOND LADY:

"I don't believe the story, such diet it would kill
A poor wee darling baby--at least, 'twould make it ill."

FIRST LADY:

"'Tis true, most little babies would have burst and died--
But not so with this baby--'Ma Elephant's fond pride.'"

A JOKE ON ONKLO KARLO

Onklo Karlo, he's a duck, and I love him dearly,
'Cause he loves all little girls, amusing them so queerly
By catching in his mouth the nuts which he hurls in the air,
And making paper cones to stand just almost anywhere;
Or holding apples on a pole stuck right upon his nose,
And balancing the little girls just straight upon his toes.

He always has good candy--the kind I love to eat--
Made of delicious goodies that taste so nice and sweet.
He tells most wondrous stories of sky and land and sea,
And never seems to weary of pleasing little me;
And jokes, he knows so many his store will ne'er give out,
They make me laugh and giggle and sometimes even shout;
But here's a joke on Onklo--I wonder if he knows
That nails are hidden in his socks--of course, they're on his toes.

THE PEARL OF LAKES

Of all good Uncle Sam's great lakes,
LAKE ERIE is the best;
She is a pearl among all lakes
Of north, south, east or west
Her waters on a pleasant day
Dance gaily in the sun,
And ever seem to smile at me
And say, "Come, have some fun
Within my cool refreshing spray
Of waters bright and clear,
Oh, little girl, come right away,
And never have a fear!
There are no dread sea monsters here
Within my wide domain,
Where only best of 'Finny-kind'
Are e'er allowed to reign."

My little friend, sweet Jean, and I
Say, "Thank you, gracious Lake,
Well don our bathing suits and caps
And then a plunge will take
Right into your fresh cooling fount,
And then we'll be so clean
That not a soul would ever think
That PITTSBURGH we had seen."

THE MUSEUM'S FAT LADY

TEACHER TO TOMMY:

"Now, Tommy, please answer, and tell me at once,
Who is your father, you silly young dunce?"

TOMMY TO TEACHER:

Said Tommy, with tears gushing forth from his eyes,
"I know you're a lady w'at's most wondrous wise,
But I hates like the mischief to tell on poor Pa,
'Cause he's always good to both me and Ma,
But he is the fat lady w'at you may see
By goin' to Barnum's and payin' a fee."

PATTI LOU AT THE ZOO

My little Cousin Patti Lou
One day went to the Highland Zoo,
And there she saw an old ZEBU
Who looked at her and said, "Moo--moo!"
And ended with an awful "Oooooooooh!"

She saw also a funny GNU,
And said to him, "Well, how are you?"
But he would nothing say or do,
Not even grant, nor bray, nor mew.

She saw a polly as it flew,
And showed gay feathers, pink and blue,
But when she came this bird to woo,
Poll bit her finger almost through.

Near to this wicked Polly Chew
There lived a handsome, large HIBOU,
Which came from some fine foreign zoo,
And worked its head round like a screw.

The camel and the kangaroo,
With polar bears and brown bears, too,
And many birds to me quite new,
All made their home in this great zoo.

With elephants and tigers, too,
And a huge lion named KING FOO,
He paced his cage and said, "Grr--roo!"
As if he meant, "I will eat you!"

Near him a dove all pink and blue
So sweetly sang of love, "Coo--coo,"
While across the way MONK SNOOPLE SNOO
Swung by his tail and sneezed "Ca--choo!"

FURS LINED WITH KITTENS

Said a rich little girl, who was boasting one day,
"I'ze too many furs, so I throws them away;"
But her poor little friend, who fine furs had none,
In braggadocia could not be outdone,
And proudly she showed her little fur mittens
And said, "I'ze sum odders, do deys lined wid kittens."

MUCH LEARNING SAVES IGNATIUS

"Father," said learned Ignatius, as the strap was preparing to fall
Down on his trousersless bare-skin, "I don't mind a whipping at all,
But are you quite certain, dear father, the strap has been well
sterilized?
For virulent germs in old leather are often concealed and disguised;
And surely by violent impact with textile and soft porous skin,
But lately exposed to the street's dust there's danger of entering in
Upon my most delicate system, and then comes the big doctor's fee,
So, dear father, show you're a wise man and touch not the strap upon
me."
While the learned youth plead, lo! his father upon that dread strap
loosed his hold,
And thus he escaped from a whipping, Ignatius the wise and the bold.

TWILIGHT

Of all the hours of day or night
Give me the twilight hour,
When little birds hide out of sight
And every sylvan bower
Is filled with their sweet good night song,
While darkness creeps apace
O'er all the bright blue sky along
And hides the sun's gold face.

That is the hour when Mother dear
Says, "Come, sweetheart," to me,
"And of the earth's great heroes hear
While sitting on my knee."
Upon her arm I rest my hand
And wondrous stories hear,
Until it's time to go to bed,
Tucked in by Mother dear.

A FIVE-FOOT SHELF OF SUMMER BOOKS

Whenever you're perspiring like a Gruyère cheese,
List to this list of cooling works which cannot fail to please:
Great Isaac Hayes's noted work upon the POLAR SEA,
How much with him this broiling day we all would like to be!
Or maybe in the SNOWBOUND realms we'd find still more delight
If Whittier, the poet great, would take us there to-night.

With Nansen in his tales of weird and far-off frozen lands,
Where no one needs be tortured by electric buzzing fans;
And Barrows' wondrous voyages in icy ARCTIC REGIONS,
Meeting monstrous icebergs each hour by the legions.
While each and all would love to get a nice big cooling box
Of the ARCTIC SUNBEAMS that are mentioned by S. Cox,
And ICY LANDS by Perry, Kane, Atkinson and Hall,
Sound so mighty tempting to us one and all.

Exploring parties to the North led by the hero Schley,
Oh, such a summer voyage how we would like to try!
And follow after Wrangell with snow up to our knees
Across Siberia's lonely plains to far-off NORTHERN SEAS.
While reading of the ICE FLOATS from Kennan and from Hohn,
We feel that we should have a shelf all of our very own,
And on it all these chilly works we there should keep on hand,
To take us when we're hot and cross to some cool northern land.

THE CAT EXTINCTED THE CANARY

"Josephine," asked the teacher, "can you tell to me
Any bird that's now extinct, but used on earth to be?"

"Oh, yes, Miss Jane," said Josephine, "our sweet canary, Jim,
Because the naughty pussy cat, she quite extincted him."

A BONY SONG

Eight and twenty bones, 'tis said,
Are located in my head.
In my trunk are fifty-four
That I add to my bone store;
While my limbs have plenty more--
Full one hundred twenty-four.

In my skull, the strong round box
Which protects my brains from knocks,
There are eight bones in its wall--
Glad I have them when I fall!
Occipital there is but one;
One ethmoid and wedge sphenoid one,
One frontal bone not very long--
Compared with oak just twice as strong.
Parietals there are but two,
Two temporals will also do.

Fourteen bones are in my face,
To know them not is a disgrace.
One lower jaw and upper two
Help me each day when I must chew.
Two turbinated shaped like cones,
Two nasal, malar, palate bones,
Two lachrymals and vomer one,
But very large bones there are none.

The smallest bones are in my ear
And help me when I wish to hear.
These bones so small, are hard to see--
The mallet, anvil, stapes wee.

My bony trunk it takes good care
Of all the organs hidden there.
Its spinal column very long
Has six and twenty bones so strong.
Small bones just seven it doth take
A neck or cervical to make,
With dorsals twelve and lumbars five,
I surely need if I would thrive;
With sacrum one and lots of ribs,
Fourteen true and ten called "fibs,"
One coccyx, sternum, hyoid small,
With two big hip bones--that is all.

Now in my limbs, just let me see,
I own a clavicle or key,
A scapula or shoulder blade,
And which for gold I wouldn't trade,
A humerus not meant for fun,
A radius and ulna one.

Eight carpals help to form my wrists.
Five metacarpals in my fist,
While all my fingers have each three
Phalanges that are strong but wee,
But my poor thumbs can only boast
Of two phalanges at the most.

My lower limbs are proud to own
A sturdy thigh or femur bone.
This useful bone is very long
And joined by a patella strong
To two stout bones within my leg,
One like a flute, one like a peg,
One as the fibula is known,
The other's called tibia bone.

My instep has just seven tarsals,
Shaped à la the eight wrist carpals,
While the five bones in my feet
With fourteen more the toes complete.
Thus each perfect person owns
Just two hundred and six bones.

LET THE BUMBLE BE

One day I saw a bumble bee bumbling on a rose,
And as I stood admiring him, he stung me on the nose.
My nose in pain it swelled so large it looked like a potato,
So Daddy said, though Mother thought 'twas more like a tomato.
And now, dear children, this advice, I hope you'll take from me,
And when you see a bumble bee, just let that bumble be.

GRANDMA TURKEY'S LAMENT

"Oh! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Oh!
The Turkey-world is full of woe!"
So Grandma Turkey sadly gobbles
As in her coop she lamely wobbles.
"This woe is caused by people's germs
Which are much smaller than wee worms
Yet cause great trouble on this earth
And drive away all joy and mirth.

"When I was young the turkeys then
They lost their turklettes now and then
When wintry winds came howling round
And chilly snow fell on the ground
From one disease, DECAPIDITIS,
But now we have appendicitis
While it is pleasant summer weather
And we should scarcely lose a feather.

"Our poor weak throats are the receiver
For children's ills, as scarlet fever
And many a diphtheratic germ
Which causes us in pain to squirm,
Extincting all of our fine race
So common birds must take our place."

ANSWERS, NOT QUESTIONS, CAUSE TROUBLE

MOTHER:

"Don't bother your father with questions, Ervane,
He's tired of hearing you ask to explain
Why fishes can't walk or ride on the land?
How lizards and fleas can live in the sand?
What causes the sun to set in the west
And always to sleep in one golden nest?
When will the time come for children to fly
And play in the clouds with the birds in the sky?
Such foolish, vain questions, they trouble your dad
And sometimes I fear they make him quite sad."

"No, Mother," replied the inquisitive lad,
"It's the answers, not questions, that trouble poor Dad."

ROOSEVELT COMPLIMENTS MAMA LION

One day last year King Teddy arose with old King Sun
And, seeing a huge lion, he seized his trusty gun
And made the King of Jungle-land quickly homeward run,
While Teddy followed after and thought it lots of fun.
King Lion reached his tavern home, trembling in great fear,
But when Queen Lion heard his tale, she simply scratched one ear,
Then shrugged her shoulders à la hump and to her husband said,
"In all the best newspapers how often have I read
That Teddy loves all parents who large families possess,
And I am sure with many cubs our happy den is blessed."

Then grave and proud Queen Lion she carried out each babe,
And placed it in the doorway of her Afro-jungle cave;
And there she proudly waited for King Teddy to appear,
For of his teeth and of his gun she hadn't any fear.
The coward King of Jungle-land, he hid himself inside,
And when he heard King Teddy's voice his bones shook in his hide;
But soon he knew his fears were vain when Teddy, laughing, said:
"As mother of fine sextets, you surely rank ahead
Of all the lions I have met in circus tent or den,
To meet you I'm DEE-LIGHTED, and I hope we'll meet again."

WEE WILLIE'S FIRST HAIR CUT

Last Friday, for the first time, wee Willie went with me
To the colored barber, who bowed most graciously,
And asked the little fellow how should he crop his curls,
Close to his head, in medium length, or bobbed like little girls'?
Wee Willie answered promptly. "My hair, please, barber, crop
Like my own dear Daddy's, wif a small round hole on top."

THE TIME OF HIS LIFE

There are many schools of learning and also schools of game,
But the school with largest members bears KING HIPPO'S name,
And big and little people, yes, even EVANS' FLEET,
Would think it quite unpleasant a Hippo school to meet.

But Bwana Tumbo Teddy, who knows no thought of fear,
Laughed in joyous pleasure as the SCHOOL drew near,
And smiling at the leader, he made her stiff with fright,
As from his parted mouthpiece his white teeth came in sight.

Then Bwana seized his rifle and, taking steady aim,
He fired at Queen Hippo and made her front legs lame,
Then shooting at her sisters, and brothers left and right,
He scattered all the mighty beasts and drove them out of sight.

All those he killed, this hunter brave, then quickly towed ashore,
Saying, "I'M DEE-LIGHTED, and I hope to meet some more
SCHOOLS OF HIPPOPOTAMI that feel inclined to strife,
As in this Hippo-battle I'd the time of my whole life."

THE WINKING STAR

There's a winking star in the sky above,
At least so I've been told;
A veritable little flirt of a star,
But he surely can't be bold,
As he's some million miles from here
In Pegasus, the steed,
And if we wish to see him wink
A telescope we need.

TOO MANY DOLLS

Miss Margaret Mary Elizabeth May,
Had one hundred dollies with which she could play.
There were bisque dolls and wax dolls and dolls with real hair,
Red dolls and black dolls and dolls that were fair,
Fat dolls and plump dolls and dolls in the style,
Hipless and jointless and dressed in a smile;
Sag dolls and wood dolls and celluloid boys,
China and paper and Jumping Jack Joys;
Irish and Scotch dolls and dolls from Paree,
And all of the strange lands from over the sea;
Jappies and Chinese and dark Esquimos,
Dutchies and Germans and cutest Dagoes;
Dollies from Egypt and dollies from Spain,
Hindoos and Hebrews and one little Dane.
From Poland and Russia they'd traveled afar
By railroad and steamer and also by car
To join other dollies from Johnnie Bull's home,
And lovely Italians from far away Rome.
From Greenland and Iceland, Norway and Greece,
The string of these dollies seemed never to cease.
But Margaret Mary Elizabeth May
Could never decide with which doll to play,
So she was not happy as poor little Sue,
Who in her doll family had only two
Wretched rag dollies without any hair,
But which she considered a most lovely pair.
And these ugly dollies they gave her delight,
As with them she played from morning till night.

LAST OF MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Mary had a little lamb;
She also had a little ham,
A pie, a cake, an ice-cream cone,
Which caused the maiden loud to groan.

And now poor Mary and her lamb
And pie and cake and cone and ham
Are resting in the cold, dark tomb--
For Mary met dyspeptic's doom.

WOES CAUSED BY WHOOPING BUGS

If you don't believe that whooping-cough causes lots of woe,
Just catch a few whooping germs and then I guess you'll know
That whoopee-whoops! and wheepee-wheeps! are not one bit of fun,
When you see others playing games where all must jump and run;
For if you jump or if you run, you start the whoop-oop-oop!
And even if you're tired you can't sleep for the croup,
Caused by the awful whooping bugs, which lurk within your throat
And make your voice sound hoarser than the singing of a goat.

For fear of spreading whooping bugs you certainly can't go
To Sunday-school or other school, or even to a show,
But you must stay at home ALONE from three to six long weeks,
And listen to your croaking voice, which whoops and sometimes squeaks.
So therefore take the good advice of a little girl who knows,
And stay away from WHOOPING-COUGH, which causes lots of woes.

GOOD B'S AND BAD T'S

The most precious treasures in all this good earth,
The givers of JOY of only true worth
Are good books and babies, the two little B's
That are gifts of the FAIRIES for mortals to please.

The most dreaded tortures in all this wide earth
That to all greatest SORROWS are prone to give birth
Are bad tears and temper, the two ugly T's
Invented by GOBLINS for mortals to tease.

A BOY'S COMPLAINT

Grandma calls me Johnnie, father calls me John,
My sweetheart calls me Buddy, and the boys call me Don,
But Mother, oh, dear Mother, whenever I come near,
She calls me darling Baby and sometimes "BABY DEAR."

I like the name of Johnnie, I'm proud of my name John,
I don't mind hearing Buddy and the shorter name of Don,
But, though I love dear Mother far more than all the rest,
Her name of DARLING BABY I thoroughly detest.

You see when I am playing with boys in the street,
And pitching ball or doing some extraordinary feat,
It makes me feel so little to hear my mother call,
"Watch out, my darling BABY, be careful lest you fall!"

I'm not a darling baby, nor little baby dear,
I'm quite a great big boy and have no baby fear,
But I can't stand the guying the boys give to me,
When Mother starts to calling that hateful name--"BABEE."

KING TEDDY, THE FEARLESS

King Teddy has much courage to fight both beasts and men
With pistols and with broadswords and with the mighty pen.
And now in Afric jungles he's busy fighting fleas,
Mosquitoes, and big tigers and monstrous bumble bees;
Huge elephants, gorillas and awful Guinea-worms,
Sloughing phagedæna, and sleeping sickness germs,
Tinea imbricata, piedra, and goundou,
Malaria and the ainhum, pinta and the sprue,
Chyluria, mycetonia, leprosy and yaws,
Afric dysentery and maybe lions' claws,
Bubonic plague and dengue and dreadful tropic-boils,
Fevers black and yellow and sometimes serpents' coils,
Tinea Madagascar, Dhobie itch, screw worms,
Beri-beri and craw-craw and all the Afric germs;
With dread sun-traumatism, and abscess of the liver,
Yet none of these great terrors can make King Teddy shiver.

THE GROUCH-BUG

Of all the dreaded bugs and germs
That in this earth abound,
No bugs in greater number
Have ever yet been found,
Nor looked upon with terror more
By big folks and by small
Than GROUCH-BUGS, which are awful pests.
That come to one and all.

They make us, oh, so cranky
That we would like to yell,
And hunt up all the meanest things
About our friends to tell.
When other folks are smiling
The GROUCH-BUG'S victim cries,
While other folks are dancing
The GROUCH-SICK heave big sighs.

A great and noted doctor says
The GROUCH-BUG is but found
Within the torrid climate
Where heat waves will abound,
And that the bug will never live
In woman, boy or child,
But always seeks a man's stout frame
And makes him cross and wild.

But though I'm young, I truly think
That this is not quite true,
For well I know some little girls,
And boys and ladies, too,
Who have the awful GROUCHES
And get quite fiercely mad
So that they act like demons
Who never can be glad.

My daddy says the only cure
Which he would always use
For folks who get the GROUCHES
And other folks abuse,
Would be to give a ducking
With water freezing cold
So that they'd be so chilly
They couldn't even scold.
But for the kiddies of my age
Who let this bad bug in,
He recommends the touching
Of peach limb to bare skin.

KIND HEARTS

There are no bigger hearts for their bodies
And no kinder hearts on this earth
Than the big juicy red hearts of melons,
To mortals fair jewels of worth.
The "King Water Melon," the big heart,
Of all earthly melons the best,
He clings to the earth, his good mother,
And never once leaves her warm breast.
And so when he's grown he's a big heart,
Which helps both the great and the small,
When fevers are burning our parched throats
Or if we are thirsty at all.
These kind hearts are always so cooling
And taste, oh, so good and so sweet,
I'm sure that they once grew in Eden
For our Father Adam to eat.

HENS

What curious birds are common hens!
They make good broth and even pens.
They have no teeth, no hair, no nose,
But sport a comb red as a rose.
They have no arms or funny bones
That causes folks to let forth groans,
Their victuals they all swallow whole
And use a craw for a chopping bowl.
They have no hands, they have no wrists,
And without hands they can't make fists,
But for one thing they should rejoice
And cluck aloud with cheerful voice;
Not having hands, they have no nails,
Which are the cause of many wails,
For once a week we girls and boys
Must put aside our games and toys
And all our nice exciting tales,
While mother trims our finger nails.

NISSEN, THE SANTA CLAUS OF NORWAY

How glad I am that I was born in this land very dear,
Where children have a Santa Claus of whom they have no fear;
A Santa who is always kind, remembering one and all
When every year at Christmas time, he pays us all a call.

In far away chill Norway, there NISSEN is the name
Of the Christmas visitor who bears good Santa's fame;
But he's a naughty brownie so short and very small,
Not a bit like Santa who pays us all a call.

But, like our good gift giver, his beard is long and white,
And he wears a coat of furs and many colors bright.
But instead of bringing goodies to good girls and to boys,
Nice new clothes and books and games and lots of wondrous toys,

He expects that all big folks and also little ones
Should leave his favorite dishes, such as puddings, cakes and buns,
Outside of every doorway so that he may eat at will
Of these luscious dainties until he has had his fill.
Then after eating all the cakes his "tummy-tum" can hold,
He milks the cows and splits the wood (at least, so I've been told),
But never thinks to bring nice gifts to little girls and boys
Whose parents have to trim their trees and buy them all their toys.

Besides, this naughty NISSEN is cross at times and bad,
And does all sorts of horrid tricks which I think very sad
At Christmas when we all should be so kind to one another,
And treat each person whom we meet as if he were our brother.

But NISSEN steals away the cows and even horses fleet,
From all the people who forget to bake him puddings sweet;
And if above a whisper one should dare to speak or sing
About this cranky fellow, then this evil he will bring

Upon the one who dared to throw his name upon the breeze, As from that time the guilty one must sneeze and sneeze and sneeze.

Now in our land we sing loud praise of Santa all the time, And tell about his goodness great, in prose and jingling rhyme; And yet it seems the more we sing about the jolly elf, The more he brings each year to us upon the mantel shelf.

But children in far Norway are better girls and boys Than we who live in this fair land and think so much of toys That we forget about the pets while feeding our own selves Like thoughtless, greedy little pigs or naughty selfish elves.

While Norway children in the fall they work to gather corn And save it for the birds they feed on every Christmas morn; So we should follow in their steps and feed the wee birds crumbs Before we start to feast ourselves on Christmas sugar plums.

A CHRISTMAS WISH FOR ALL MY FRIENDS

While Christmas bells are chiming, oh, may there come to you
A dear sweet little fairy, who's always good and true;
The little happy fairy, who drives away dull care,
And makes all things upon the earth seem ever bright and fair.

She'll whisper to good Santa to bring what you most wish;
So if you have been longing for a fine pudding dish,
She will not, as in by-gone years, forget and bring to you
Something that you do not want, though beautiful and new.

SANTA'S REINDEER IN THE SKY

Long, long ago before this earth had any girls and boys
To hang their stockings on the shelf expecting Christmas toys,
Good Santa was a big white cloud that floated in the sky;
If you had lived in those old days, you'd seen him floating by.

But when the children came to rule upon good Mother Earth,
She took kind Santa from the sky and made him God of Mirth;
To bring at every Christmas time good gifts to girls and boys
And make them all so happy with a lot of lovely toys.

Far, far among the icebergs, in the cold and freezing zone,
She built for him a palace, where he lives almost alone,
With only good old Mrs. Claus to keep him company,
And sometimes Cousin Nicholas for two days or for three.
Wise Mother Earth she knew this clime would suit good Santa well,
For here no foolish, idle folks would ever come to dwell;
Nor pay the good Saint visits which would waste his precious time,
While he could work much faster here than in a warmer clime.

But never did he suffer from the icebergs at the Pole,
As fairies kept his fireplace all full of red-hot coal;
Or heaped bright burning logs on it as full as it could hold,
So Santa never felt a tweak of Jack Frost's biting cold.

Likewise the fairies brought to him and his most faithful spouse,
Just everything that they could need to keep a cozy house.
And even cooked their victuals and brought them every day
Exactly at the proper time, upon a huge hot tray.

And after they had eaten all the dainties on the tray,
The good kind fairies quickly came and took the tray away;
So Mrs. Claus had no excuse for being cross or sad,
Since no experience she had had with Bridgets getting mad.

When Santa finished all his toys, he put them in a sack,
Where he intended carrying them just like a pedler's pack,
But Mother Earth surprised the Saint and to his palace led
Eight lovely prancing reindeer and a large commodious sled.

These reindeer were the cousins of swift Pegasus, the steed
Who helped the hero Perseus when he was in great need;
And, like the flying hero horse, they lived up in the sky,
Till Mother Earth had need of them to help old Santa fly.

And so on every Christmas eve for full ten hundred years,
Good Santa and his reindeer fleet have banished children's tears
By bringing them most all the gifts their little hearts could wish,
And filling stockings, shoes and plates, and even puddin dish.

But when last Christmas came around, good Mother Earth, she said,
"Dear Santa, I have something fine for you to use instead
Of your good, faithful reindeer and your big old-fashioned sled,
For here's a lovely aeroplane, all painted shining red."

The wise old lady then declared that he could safely fly
With this machine most anywhere away up in the sky,
And travel far, far faster than the reindeer who were fleet
But stumbled sometimes on the roofs made slippery with sleet.

The aeroplane could carry well a larger load of toys,
So he could visit more good girls and also little boys,
Who live in far off heathen lands where everyone's a sinner,
But that's no reason each should do without a Christmas dinner.
With this machine he'd save some time to look out for each pet
Of all the little girls and boys, as they so oft forget
To treat their pets most kindly upon the Christmas morn
In memory of the Saviour who on this day was born.

And likewise all the horses, the cows and pigs and sheep,
For men so seldom think of them when Christmas time they keep;
And even wild, fierce animals, and fishes in the sea,
Should all be made quite happy at Christmas time to be.

"I do not like this plan at all of giving up my sled
And my good faithful reindeer," so good old Santa said.
But Mother Earth she laughed at him and said she would repay
The reindeer, whom she would send home straight to the Milky Way.

But Santa was old-fashioned and had great fears to fly
Without his sled and reindeer, he'd used in years gone by,
And begged that on his maiden trip these true old friends to take
To help him should the aeroplane prove but a wicked fake.
The laughing Earth then granted him this very small request,
And early on glad Christmas eve (the eve of all most blest)
He started forth upon his trip, did good old Santa dear,
Guiding his Wright aeroplane with feelings of great fear.

But Mother Earth showed she was wise and knew just what was best
To help the good old tired saint while on his children quest;
And fast the good Wright aeroplane it flew both low and high,
So Santa took the Earth's advice, and though he heaved a sigh,

He dropped the poor old worn-out sled as he was passing by,
And people said, who saw it fall, "A meteor from the sky!"
Then, kissing each good reindeer, he bade them all farewell,
And left them in the Milky Way, forever there to dwell.
And you, my little playmates, who have heard the tiny hoofs
Of the wondrous flying steeds pattering on the roofs,
If you would like to catch a glimpse of Santa's good reindeer,
Then wait until it's dark some night, and when the sky is clear,
You'll see them very plainly in the broad light Milky Way,
And there, for all the time to come, these steeds will romp and play.

ALL DENTISTS GO TO HEAVEN

I don't like dentists, because they hurt me
With horrid bad pinchers as sharp as can be.
They pick at my teeth and scratch in my head
Until I begin to wish I were dead.
But I read in the paper (so I suppose it's so)
That all of the dentists to Heaven will go,
Because they are needed away up there
To make gold crowns for the angels fair.

MABEL AT THE BUTCHER SHOP

When Mabel went with Mother
To buy some chops for tea,
She gazed in awestruck horror
At sawdust she could see,
Sprinkled over all the floor,
To north, south, east and west,
And as wee Mabel saw it
Her heart was sore oppressed.

She hated all the butchers
And yearned to be at home,
Where she could guard her dolly
And teach her not to roam
Afar to shops of butchers,
As now wee Mabel knew
That butchers hurt poor dollies
And stab them through and through,
So all their nice warm stuffings
Would flow from every pore
And cover well with sawdust
The butcher's dirty floor.

THANKSGIVING IN 20,000 A. D.

"Oh, how the ways have changed with men
Since the good days of nineteen ten,
When I was living on the earth
And joining in Thanksgiving mirth!"
A nineteen hundred spirit cried
As many people he espied
While gazing on old Mother Earth
Years twenty thousand since her birth.

Long, long ago, as poets say,
For good Thanksgiving holiday
A feast was spread of nice mince pies.
Of turkeys of tremendous size,
Cranberry sauce, and giblet stew,
Potatoes, corn and ice cream, too,
With salads, raisins, nuts and cake,
And all the pastry "Ma" could bake.

These days, alas! they don't believe
That any stomach should receive
A mixture of such tasty things,
And as folks float upon their wings
They take some predigested pills,
Which, so they say, keep off all ills.

And now on good Thanksgiving Day
There is no feasting, as folks say--
"We wish to live for many years,
And of all eating we have fears.
The doctors say corn's full of worms
Known as pellagra's awful germs,
That turkeys cause appendicitis,
Scarlet fever, stomachtitis;
That products of the frying pan
Cause great distress to every man;
That puddings bring us naught but woe,
And therefore we should let them go.

We ne'er will sit around a table
And eat as long as we are able,
Then put it in the daily paper
That Mrs. X. cut such a caper
As to invite fair Madame P.
To dine with her or drink some tea.
'Tis vulgar, common, so we think,
To go about and eat and drink,
While people watch us taking food
Which we consider very rude;
So to dark closets we retire
When NATURE calls for more food-fire,
And there on this Thanksgiving Day
We all will go, though not to pray,
But predigested powders take
Instead of turkey, pie and cake."

ON THANKSGIVING

Before you eat good turkey, rich mince and pumpkin pies
On that great feast of feast days when "tum-tums" grow in size,
The good old day THANKSGIVING, the best day in the year,
When all should be so thankful around the board of cheer.
Then don't forget the poor ones, the hungry, cold and sad,
Go fill their empty tables and make the whole world glad

THE PETS' CHRISTMAS CAROL

"Tweet--tweet--tweet!" sang the canary,
Which meant that he was very merry,
Because his little mistress, Nell,
On Christmas eve had fed him well.

"Bow--wow--wow!" sang the gay young pup,
"My master's gone away to sup,
But though he won't be here for tea,
Just see the meal he left for me!"

"Mew--mew--mew!" sang the mama cat,
"Such milk as this will make me fat,
And, oh, I feel so very gay
This cold and frosty Christmas day."

Each mama cow sang "Moo--moo--moo!"
And gentle dove sang--"Coo--coo--coo."
And every horse and sheep and pig,
And duck and chicken, small and big,
A carol sang on Christmas eve,
Because a feast each did receive.

ONLY NAUGHTY CHILDREN SEE "SPOOKS" ON HALLOWE'EN

Witches and goblins, spooks and elves,
With sprites and gnomes from elf-land delves,
To-night are flying here and there,
Yes, up and down and everywhere.
For this one night in all the year
They rule the earth and bring great fear
To all the naughty little boys
Who tease good girls and break their toys.

These spooks they also make girls sad
When they are selfish, cross and bad;
So when it's dark, bad boys and maids.
They see these awful fearsome shades,
And that is why with covered heads,
They trembling lie in their warm beds.

But even there they goblins see,
Spooks and gnomes, and all that be
Abroad upon weird Hallowe'en
When all the wizards may be seen
By naughty kids and grown-up folks
Who like to play most wicked jokes.
But good young girls and gentle boys,
The kids who are their mothers' joys,
They like the dark just as the light,
For spooks ne'er come within their sight,
And in their dreams the lovely elves
Show them bright scenes from fairy delves.

So, if to-night you are afraid
Of any spook or any shade,
Well know you are a naughty child,
So cross and wilful, rude and wild.

MY EASTER WISH

May flowers of JOY
At EASTER bloom
Within your heart,
Where weeds of gloom
Will fail to find
A place to grow
While JOY remains
As gloom-weeds' foe.

A WHINGWANG SONNET OF AN EASTER BONNET

Once there was a little girl,
But she didn't have a curl,
Though she had an Easter bonnet
With ostrich plumes and flowers on it,
Since like her mother she aspired
À la mode to be attired.

But when she rose on Easter morn
With deepest grief her heart was torn,
For, oh, alas! the rain was falling
In torrents great; to her appalling,
As well she knew 'twould spoil her bonnet
With ostrich plumes and flowers on it.

Her hair in papers she had worn
The whole night through and tortures borne
In hopes to have a curl or two
To wear beneath her bonnet new.
But now, alas, the horrid rain
Would make her hair all straight again.

And so with fear of straightened hair,
Which might cause folks to laugh and stare,
And likewise to protect her bonnet
With ostrich plumes and flowers on it,
She thought it best to stay away
From Sabbath school on Easter day.

MIDSUMMER JOYS

Give me the joys of summer,
Of SUMMER QUEEN so fair,
With wealth of lovely flowers
And fruits and sun-kissed air!

Talk not to me of winter
With ice and frost and snow,
Nor changing spring and autumn
When howling winds will blow.

No, I will take the joys
Of SUMMER every time,
So to this Queen of Seasons
I dedicate my rhyme.

AFTER THE FOURTH WAS OVER

After the Fourth was over, after the play was done,
Poor little John and Willie forgot that they'd had some fun;
John, with his eyes all bandaged, Willie with one eye gone,
Had changed from joyous boys, who rose with the FOURTH'S bright dawn,
Determined to shoot great cannons and frighten some silly girls,
To tie big crackers to dogs' tails, and make the pin wheels whirl.

Tommy with one hand bound up and with a bepowdered face,
Alex with two burned fingers and bones nearly all out of place;
Edgar with one leg broken and poor little Peter with two,
Thought that they'd had enough sorrow to last them a whole life through,
But Mother, who heard them crying, while soothing her darlings to sleep,
Was thankful that some of the pieces she yet was able to keep,
And sad for the weeping mother of poor naughty, unlucky Jim,
As the booming JULY CELEBRATION blew the whole head off of him.

TO MY VALENTINE

I love you now, and come what may,
I'll always love you night and day.
E'en should you grow both poor and old
And so unhappy that you'd scold;
My love for you would ne'er grow cold,
Because I truly love you.

If evil spirits come your way
And tempt you from straight paths to stray,
And every so-called loving friend
No helping hand to you would lend,
To me, dear friend, for help then send,
Because I truly love you.

THE WONDERLAND OF MATEMATIKO

[Written for my teacher, Professor A. R. Hornbrook, of the San Jose Normal School.]

In MATEMATIKO, the wonderful land,
Ruled over by Giants, a most worthy band;
Where all live together in kindness and peace
While helping Earth's mortals whose works never cease.
And also I think that a strong helping hand
Is tendered Mars' children by this goodly band.