Chapter M: V. O'shea (2)

But if from these GIANTS their help we would seek
We should be very patient and humble and meek,
And go to their lands over roads smoothed in part
By labors of numerous foregoers' art.
Then back to the Daily-Life-Store-House to stay,
Bring all goodly treasures we found on our way.

The first province reached when we go to this land
Is ruled by ARITHMOS with firm kindly hand.
His regions are traveled by all little ones
When counting their candies or apples or buns;
Or when Baby's mother cuts apples in two
And gives him "one-half" and one-half to Sue,
His sister, who travels each day in the week
In realms of ARITHMOS for knowledge to seek.

The lands of ARITHMOS then being explored
And the wealth thereby gained being carefully stored,
Wise travelers go on following many a band
Of Pilgrims for Knowledge now seeking the land
Where if they search earnestly surely they'll find
TRUTHS known by QUEEN ALGEBRA, gracious and kind,
Whose roads are far shorter than Arithmos King owns
And freer from troublesome MAD-HASTY-STONES
That fall from MT. ERROR right down on our path
And so often cause us to court DEMON WRATH.

When first viewing GUIDE-BOOKS of ALGEBRA-LAND,
New travelers fear that they can't understand
The queer little figures and x, y's and z's
Mixed up with the numbers and a, b, c, d's.
But after becoming acquainted with these
Good Algebra-Helpers who help and who please,
All seekers for knowledge most gladly resolve
To use these assistants their problems to solve.

Not far from Queen Algebra's realms may be found
King GEOMETRÍO'S rich lands, which abound
With REASON'S clear rivers that flow everywhere,
While watering the EARTH and while cooling the air.
There are many high mountains where travelers will fall
Who heed not the warning that's given to all
By GEOMETRÍO, the giant benign,
Who near to the rugged cliffs puts up this sign--
"To all who are traveling--BEHOLD! now, TAKE HEED!
If walking, go slowly, be fearful of speed.
Be sure to inquire at my palace door
For smooth winding pathways trod often before;
But if you would ride in haste to the top
Then take my good auto which never will stop.
There's none like INTENSE CONCENTRATION, my car
Which carries you safely sans skidding or jar."
To travelers obeying this Giant's advice,
No "Haste-Wasting-Goblins" will ever entice
To climb ERROR'S MOUNTAIN from which they may fall
To SLOUGH of DESPOND that is dreaded by all;
Or maybe be led by VAIN CONFIDENCE ELVES
Through seeming short byways and flowery delves
To dread DOUBTING CASTLE where cruellest of fates
Through GIANT DESPAIR the traveler awaits.

In GEOMETRÍO'S most wondrous GUIDE-BOOKS
At first one is puzzled if he only looks
At Guides of this Giant who many forms wear,
Some angular figures and others quite square;
Some round like a bullet or like cubes or cones,
But each of these figures some great power owns.
And Geometrío will tell all who ask
How each may be used for a wonderful task--
As making dress patterns for ladies so fair;
Or likewise for ribbons to bind up their hair;
We meet them each day in the rugs at our feet,
And on the stone carvings we see in the street,
Are subjects of GEOMETRÍO'S wise land,
For their useful service we mortals demand.

Near Geometrío's broad regions there lies
The spacious rich country of GOOD GIANT WISE,
Broad-minded, and powerful builder and king,
TRIGONOMETRIO'S loud praises we sing.
From his brother "GEO" materials he takes
From which with his help frail mortal man makes
Tall wonderful buildings which, reaching so high,
We call them "sky-scrapers" as touching the sky.
He also builds churches, cathedrals and schools,
And beautiful mansions are formed by his rules,
Through knowledge man found in this great Giant's home
He has built wondrous spires and many a dome,
And bridges o'er rivers, and tunnels through rocks,
And e'en chained the waters with wonderful locks.

And now with his help a marvelous feat
Of great engineering will soon be complete
In building at Panama as you all know,
A wondrous canal by which we may go
From Father Atlantic to Pacific's sands
Without traveling over Mother Earth's lands.
Near ALGEBRA-LAND a great GIANT lives
And to earnest students much knowledge he gives,
'Tis good KALKULUSO, abstruse thinking King,
To him all astronomers loud praises sing,
For only through his aid they go to the fount
Of cause and effect that will teach them to count
The days that will pass before all men may see
A coming eclipse on the great STELLAR SEA,
Or comets, or new stars, or maybe new worlds,
To true knowledge seekers this Giant unfurls
Wide forecasting standards as things are to be
In days yet to come upon both land and sea,
And ever this Giant-Wise carries in hand
The banner of TRUTH which he floats o'er his land.

Now, some people say that the great GIANTS' lands
In MATEMATIKO are mere barren sands
Where all travelers find it so hard to advance,
But we who have had even this little glance
At these wondrous regions described by the pen
Of "INSTRUISTINO"[A] will go there again.
She gives us to guide us a good fairy's wand
Through MATEMATIKO to bright realms beyond.
This wand helps us journey so that we may see
Each road and each crossing and always may be
On straightest of pathways, the PERFECT TRUTH'S WAY,
From which glorious highway we never must stray,
For TRUTH leads to GOD in His bright realms above,
Surrounded by light of the INFINITE LOVE.

[Footnote A: My teacher in mathematics, Mrs. A. R. Hornbrook.]

EASTER GREETING

May EASTER RABBIT in your heart's nest
Lay the golden egg upon whose quest
All knights and ladies plain and fair,
Are seeking, seeking everywhere.

The longed-for GOLDEN EGG of PEACE,
Which makes all earthly woes to cease
By filling hearts with LOVE FOR OTHERS,
So self's forgot as we help our brothers.

A SKILLET IN SOCIETY (ALIAS A CHAFING DISH)

I heard my mother, just to-day, asking dear old dad
To buy her a nice chafing dish, and make her very glad;
Though he declared its cooking was a waste of alcohol.
Causing indigestion and perhaps a doctor's call.
I never saw a chafing dish and so I longed to know
How it looked and what 'twas for, and so and so and so;
But Mother would not answer and Daddy went away.
So I sought the kitchen, where Bridget holds her sway,
And asked her if she ever saw, since she began to cook,
A chafing dish on pantry shelf or pictured in a book?
Then Bridget turned her pug nose up with a "contemshus" air,
And gave a twist to her small knot of brick-dust colored hair,
And said, "A chafing dish, my dear, so says Miss B. Moriety,
Is but a common skillet pan that's got in High Society."

THE GIANT ARITHMOS

Great Jack the Giant Killer brave, he killed all giants bad,
But one good giant's life was saved by this bold warrior lad.
ARITHMOS was this giant great and all bright girls and boys
Should love the famous Giant-King far more than all their toys.
He's very old, and very great and also wondrous wise,
For he can count all things on earth and even tell their size.
He knows how many birds there are; how high each bird can fly,
But never does he boast or brag or stoop to tell a lie.
He is so tall that he can reach up to the starry sky
And count the stars and meteors bright as swiftly they go by.
'Tis he alone can tell you when a great eclipse will come
And darken the moon's lady or the old man in the sun.
He's always so good-natured and obliging to us all
And makes our number work mere play when for his aid we call.
He tells us just the number of ripe apples on a plate,
How far away Chicago is, and if the train be late.
In fact, he always answers us whene'er we ask "How many?"
And for his work and trouble never thinks to ask a penny.
All teachers and professors couldn't teach without his aid,
And men in every business know through him they will be paid.
We cannot sing in perfect tune, nor even play a drum,
Divide an apple, buy a doll, nor do the smallest sum;
And even BRIDGE by ladies fair cannot at all be played
Unless this mighty Giant-King will kindly lend his aid.
So, as we cannot get along without ARITHMOS-LORE,
We all should learn his wondrous truths and love him more and more.

THE PURE-BLOODED PUP

Once there was a little pup who lived in far-off Kent,
Where he was born some years ago in kennels of Lord Dent;
His mother was of purest blood and likewise was his pa,
So he arrived upon this earth without a single flaw.

His tail was just the proper size and so was each small ear,
His shapely legs and nose and paws, they pleased his mother dear;
And with her soft and scarlet tongue she kissed her baby pup,
And loved him, oh, so dearly that she almost ate him up.

The keeper of the kennels when he saw this terrier pup,
Declared, "It's just a beauty and will surely win 'THE CUP,'
For being a fox terrier of very purest breed,
And now to my dear master I'll go with greatest speed.
"And tell him of this puppy who will bring our kennels fame,
And ask him what he thinks will be a truly proper name
For the most perfect terrier that ever came to Kent;
It seems to me he should be called for my great master 'Dent.'"

The master when he heard the news that a new pup had come,
Left off his game of playing cards and drinking pints of rum,
And hastened to the kennels to behold the wondrous pup,
Who at the coming dog show was to win the great prize cup.

The mother dog she wagged her tail, with pride she was puffed up,
As her great master stood right near and smiled upon her pup,
While saying, "Higgens, listen well to what I have to say,
And care for this good mother dog and her fine pup each day.

"I'll name him for my ancestor, the great and famous Kent,
And in that name to the dog show next year he shall be sent,
Where I am sure he'll win the prize above all others there,
For he is perfect in his shape and has fine silky hair."

So little Kent was tended well and petted every day,
He never had to seek for bones and only had to play,
And having nothing else to do on mischief he was bent,
Was this aristocratic pup, owned by the great Lord Dent.

And when a year had passed around, one day the master came
To take him to the London show, where he would win great fame;
But Kent was very naughty, as he did not wish to go
Away from his good kennel home to any prize dog show.

At last his master whipped Pup Kent and, oh, but he did swear,
Because Kent snapped at Higgens, who was combing his fine hair
And putting on a collar with a chain of golden beads;
Such ornaments Kent could not see that any puppy needs.

At last the royal pup was dressed in pupdom regal style,
And drove in a fine carriage, oh, for many a weary mile,
Until he came to London town, where nothing he could see,
Because all things were hidden with a fog as thick as could be.

Before he'd even time to think, this 'ristocratic pup,
He found himself in a small cage with all the doors shut up,
And many men were standing round and gazing long at him,
While passing comments on his shape of head, and tail, and limb.

Kent glared at them in silence and he would not wag his tail,
In fact, just like a good young boy who might be put in jail
When he had never done a thing to break the country's law,
So felt this little terrier, this pup without a flaw.
And when the judges thought that he should have the ribbon blue
Because of his most perfect blood shown by the records true,
He snapped and barked and even bit at those who came quite near
To tie the lovely ribbon on the neck of "PUPPY DEAR."

So they decided that despite his wondrous pedigree
There yet was something in his blood that ought not there to be,
And gave the prize, a silver cup, to a more common dog,
Who lay so still and quiet that he might have been a log.

But when that evening our Lord Dent beheld with great surprise
That a less blooded terrier had won the noble prize,
He felt so very angry that he wished to beat Pup Kent,
And ordered that the beastly dog should quickly home be sent.

But while poor Kent was going home so sad and in disgrace,
He got away from Higgens and he found another place
Far, far away from kennels of the great and wealthy Dent,
Near to a peaceful village, the runaway he went.

Here he lay down so tired and thought of many a bone,
Which now was being gnawed each day by his good ma alone,
Since Kent, her darling puppy boy, was, oh, so far away,
Oh, how he wished to gnaw a bone with his good ma this day!

But as he lay a-dreaming of lovely things to eat,
Quite suddenly a large gray rat ran right across his feet,
And after it there followed an Irishman named Pat,
Who sought to make a timely end of bad old Mister Rat.

Big Pat was armed with a huge club and called to his old dog,
"Now, come along, ye lazy baste, before he's in the bog!"
Then Kent he jumped and in one bound he seized poor Mister Rat,
Shook him about till he was dead and then brought him to Pat.

Big Pat he gazed in wonder at the clever little dog,
And sitting down upon a large and green, moss covered log,
Said, "Shure, ye bate this lazy hound that kennot catch a rat,
And if ye'll stay right here, me boy, I'll trate ye well," says Pat.

Then proudly Kent he wagged his tail and tried so hard to smile
Upon the good old Irishman, who patted him a while,
Then coaxed the stranger after him right through a broad green lane,
Which led to the fine country home of good Sir Michael Kane.

And here Pat introduced the pup to all the family,
And they were all so very kind as any folks could be.
They patted his soft silky hair and praised him to the sky,
And gave him a big gravy dish all filled with nice meat pie,
And likewise a huge saucer, which was full of real sweet cream,
Which made the hungry doggie think that he was in a dream.

So here Dog Kent decided was the best place for to dwell,
And here he still is living and is feeling' very well.
He goes each morning to the barn and helps his good friend Pat
To catch the naughty rodents, who are called the name of RAT.

The cook she feeds him daily, and he captures all the mice,
Which love to haunt the kitchen of the cleanly Bridget Bryce.
While little Mikey loves dear Kent far more than all his toys,
And says that he'd rather play with him than any girls or boys,
Because he never minds a bit to jump right in the pond
And bring to land a stick or stone or weeping willow wand.

He always acts politely to all who may come near,
And so all strangers pet him and think he is a dear.
They like his soft and silky hair, which proves he has good blood,
And never does he make folks mad by tracking floors with mud.

He's wiser than most common dogs, whose hair is rough and coarse,
His bark is always pleasant, and 'tis never loud nor hoarse;
He's swifter also than slow dogs who cannot catch a rat,
Because they always eat too much and get so very fat.

MORAL:

This story proves that good, pure blood is a fine thing to own,
But it can't help the puppies or the children all alone,
Unless these youthful puppies and the children, very small,
Learn to keep quite busy and to have a smile for all.

A KITTEN GONE TO WASTE

When little Mary Alice was only three years old,
She went upon a visit to Aunt Maria Hold,
A lady who was noted for saving everything,
From gold and silver dollars down to a turkey wing.

She soon taught Mary Alice to never throw away
A single bit of anything which might be used "some day,"
And Alice, who was clever, soon learned to put away
All bits of ribbon, cloth and lace, and chicken feathers gay.

Each day she kept quite busy hunting something more
Which she could take to Auntie or add to her own store;
And one day in excitement, she ran in great haste,
Crying, "Oh, dear Auntie, sumfin's don to waste!
A perfectlee dood kitty is thrown out on the dump
Of the kitchen ash-pile, behind the garden pump."

PRIDE

The Bible says that pride's the cause of people falling down,
And an example of this truth I once saw in our town,
When we were driving on the street and watching passers-by.
From out a store stepped a fine dude, all dressed in silk hat high,
And pants so tight he could not take a single manly stride,
His mustache curled, and round his neck a ribbon pink and wide,
While in his hand a gold-head cane, which he twirled round and round,
So that the people all would know a great man was in town;
But, being filled with pride of self, he did not know his heel
Had come in contact with a part of a banana peel
Until it felled him to the earth and smashed his silk hat's crown,
And even then he did not know 'twas PRIDE that knocked him down.

JOB SMARTER THAN MODERN BABIES

"Mother," said Lida, "why can't brother speak,
Is he so stupid or only just weak,
Like poor ancient Grandma, when she has a cold,
And loses her voice so she can't even scold?"

"No, darling," said Mother, "your brother can't talk,
Eat sugar candy, nor even yet walk,
As he is a baby the size of your doll,
And babies can't talk when they are so small."

"Then, Mother," said Lida, "the kids nowadays
Are not half so smart in all of their ways
As babies who lived in the long, long ago,
For dear teacher told me (so, course it is so),
That Job in the Bible cursed the day he was born,
I 'spose like big Tom, when he can't play his horn."

THE NEW YEAR BABE

The "New Year Babe" is always hailed with shouts of greatest joy,
Though no one seems to really know if it's a girl or boy.
Good Mother Earth opes wide her arms and takes the baby in
While big and little people help to raise an awful din.

And just as soon as "New Year Babe" has made its grand début,
Then all the folks make big resolves and say what they will do
Before the Baby Year has grown quite old and worn with time,
When it must leave us while the bells for a new year will chime.

But all resolves are very hard to always keep in mind,
And somehow they get broken and the pieces we can't find;
So that when "Baby New Year" grows hoary with old age,
We're glad to turn a fresh new leaf and close our last year's page.

NERVOUS JELLY

One day when there was company, wee greedy Lillie May
Took the jelly nearly all when it was passed her way;
And in great haste she ate it up with her small silver spoon,
But oh, alas, the Piggiewig! she was discovered soon
By Mother, who was greatly shocked to see her naughty elf
Eating like a greedy boy from off the kitchen shelf.
But Mother couldn't scold aloud for fear the guests would hear,
And so she softly whispered, "Don't eat that way, my dear."
Then Mrs. Dean, the company, she patted Lillie's head,
And smiling at the jellied face, she to the culprit said,
"I've always liked the jelly good which makes my bread so sweet,
And surely it tastes better still when with a spoon we eat
This lovely, wobbling dainty, which is loved by one and all,
From little girls and tiny boys to great men, large and tall."
This speech encouraged little May, who nodded her wise head
And said, "Besides dis jelly is too nervous for to spread."

A BOY WHO WAS HERO AND VILLAIN

One day in a big meeting held by a MERCY BAND,
The leader asked each little boy to hold up his right hand
If he could tell of any deed of kindness he had done
In saving some poor animal or helping any one.
Then Ernest held his hand on high and pride suffused his face,
As from his seat he quickly rose and took the speaker's place,
While speaking loud in accents clear, "I saved a little pup
Who had his tail in a tin can all tied securely up.
I took the can from off his tail and made him bark with joy.
So Mother said and so said Dad--I was a darling boy."

"And so say I," the leader said, while calling him her "DEAR,"
"But how I wish the wicked boy who did the deed were here."

ERNEST:

"Well, here he is, for I'm the boy who did that deed as well,
So I could take the tin can off and of my goodness tell."

AUTOS CHANGE GOOD LUCK

Poor Uncle Zeke, he's very sad, and says the whole world's wrong,
For when he was a little boy it was a common song,
To sing about the luck which came from finding a horseshoe,
And in those good old lucky days the sign was always true.

But Sunday when poor Uncle Zeke was walking on the street,
He saw a lucky horseshoe which was lying at his feet,
And as he stooped to seize the prize which lay before him there,
Along an automobile came and whizzed him in the air.

To-day I saw him lying still and pale upon his couch,
And oh, my goodness gracious, but he had an awful grouch!
His hands and arms in bandages were tied securely up,
And on his forehead was a bump like Aunt Mariah's cup.
He told me I should listen well and take his counsel sage,
And never try to get good luck in this fierce auto age,
By picking up a horse's shoe in street or country road
No more than I would stoop to seize a common green back toad.

MY CHRISTMAS WISH

When gladly ring the Christmas chimes,
Then come our reminiscent times
And even cold hearts--slow to beat--
Feel something of the love thought heat
That emanates from one and all
And to our far off loved ones call.
Then YOU must feel all through and through
The tingling of my thoughts of you.
These are my messengers so true
Who bear this message, "I love you,
And wish you on this Christmas day
A joyful heart that comes to stay,
Not only for a day or two,
But for your whole life's journey through."

A BOY'S DESCRIPTION OF A GOAT

When the teacher asked young Leo to write a little rhyme
Describing some strange animal he'd seen at any time,
He seized his long slate pencil and this is what he wrote
About the common animal, which children call a goat:
A goat is stronger than a pig,
But often it is not as big.
It has four legs just like a horse,
But never runs on a race-course.
It gives good milk, though not as much
As cows and elephants and such,
But more than any bull or ox,
Rooster, ram, or sly old fox.
Like any mule, a goat likes hay
And all tin cans we throw away.
He's useful and I'm fond of him,
But some good folks have a strange whim
To hold their noses when he's near,
And act as if they greatly fear
To touch his fur which has the smell
Of something I know very well,
The odor I'd know anywhere,
It's like Dad's tonic for his hair.

AUTUMN, QUEEN OF YEAR

When the pumpkins are so yellow
And the vines with grapes abound,
When the melons are so mellow
And the nuts fall to the ground;
When persimmons lose their bitters,
And the apples are so red;
When we love to eat corn fritters
Since the roasting ears have fled;
When vacation days are over
And the children go to school,
They no longer play in clover,
But must learn "Arithmos-rule,"
When weird Hallowe'en's most naughty elves
With gnomes and sprites appear,
While fat Thanksgiving fills the shelves--
'Tis AUTUMN, QUEEN OF YEAR.

THE TERSEST BATHING SUIT

When to the sea shore Robert went, with Ma and Sister Nell,
He met a wise professor, who soon taught him to spell,
Likewise to read of fairy lore and use a real steel pen
To write to his own father dear, who like most all the men
Must ever stay at home and work to earn the cents to pay
For wife and children's outing till the summer slips away.

Now all the strange, uncommon words which little Bob could find,
He stored away and tried to keep in his small, active mind
So as to use in writing notes to his dear fat old Dad,
And when the big folks used strange words it made him very glad.
So one day when of something TERSE he heard his sister tell,
He asked her for its meaning and he thus rewarded Nell
By writing to his father dear, "Oh, Daddy, you should see
Nell's awful TERSEST bathing suit, which won't reach to her knee."

EASTER GREETING TO MY FRIEND

If you haven't any Easter clothes on Easter morn to wear
Then don't you care.
If the EASTER RABBIT passes by and leaves no gift behind,
Then don't you mind.
Just smile at every one you meet and do some kindly act,
For it's a fact,
By doing any kindly deed one's heart is filled with JOY
Which will destroy
All pain that one may suffer from ENVY'S cruel sting;
So you can sing--
"Fulfilled will be my wishes for gifts and raiment fair--
Some day--somewhere."

TAKE THAT GUM FROM YOUR MOUTH AND PUT YOUR FEET RIGHT IN

Young Susie was quite noted for having great large feet,
And for working both her jaws, this maid could not be beat.
Her wad of gum she always bore with her unto the school,
Though well she knew she might be spanked, for 'twas against the rule,
But skillfully she hid this gum, did naughty little Sue.
Though oft behind her little book she took a little chew,
But once when she was building up a castle in the air,
And thought she was a lady rich and most entrancing fair,
While stretching out her legs and feet into the narrow aisle
And thinking of sweet Bobby Jones, the maid began to smile.
Then suddenly the teacher cried, above the school room's din,
"Take that gum from out your mouth and put your feet right in."

GOOD WEATHER ASSURED

When the second of February rolls around,
Out of his hole in the cold, dark ground
Comes Mr. Groundhog to look at the sky
And see if the season of summer is nigh;
So that he in the fields may merrily run
And eat farmers' crops 'neath the light o' the sun.
But if his own shadow he unfortunately sees,
In the greatest of terror he falls on his knees,
And quickly returns to his subterra home,
Resolving that he will not again roam
Till six stormy weeks have slowly gone by,
And then once again, perhaps he will try
To put his flat head above the cold ground,
And take a survey of the earth all around.
So I made up my mind that during the year
I'd keep him at home so he couldn't appear.
And to bring wintry weather he hadn't a chance,
For of his own shadow he caught not a glance.

ALL THE WORLD CRIES

"Quack-quack-quack-quack!" cries Auntie Duck,
While Mother Hen goes "Cluck-cluck-cluck!"
And Papa Dog cries, "Bow-wow-wow,"
And Sister Cat, "Me-ow, me-ow!"

"Eek-eek-eek-eek!" squeals Grandma Pig,
"I'm growing, oh, so far and big;"
While "Cackle-cackle" all the day,
The little goslings like to say.

Proud Grandpa Turkey struts along
With his eternal gobble-song;
Sir Horse he whinnies, "Hee-hee-hee!"
And "Buzzey-buzzey" goes Miss Bee.

Sis Maud, the Mule, cries, "Hee-hee-haw!"
And Missy Crow goes "Caw-caw-caw!"
Good Madam Cow cries, "Moo-moo-moo!"
And gentle Doves they "Coo-coo-coo!"
The Baby Lambs cry, "Baa-baa-baa!"
And little Kids squeal, "Ma-ma-ma!"

HOPE

Hope is the name of the dear little sprite,
Who banishes grief and makes life bright.
Thanks to Pandora--'twas she shut the lid
Of that wondrous jar where good Hope was hid,
And kept him to cheer us when we are so sad
Fearing a scolding because we've been bad;
Then this little whisper of Hope makes us say--
"Maybe you won't get a scolding to-day."

Likewise being tortured with measles and croup
And that dread disease which makes us to whoop!
Chicken pox, fevers and diptheric germs,
And the worst of diseases just common plain worms,
Which causes our "tum-tums" to feel mighty bad
And no doubt would make us most dreadfully sad,
If 'twere not for HOPE which whispers to us--
"Be patient, dear children, and don't make a fuss
Because all the pain will soon pass away
And then you'll be healthy and happy all day."

THE YOUNG MAIL CARRIER

Young Billy from his lovely home disappeared one day,
And when his mother missed her lad she thought he'd run away,
But soon the sprightly little chap came quickly running back,
Bearing on his shoulders small, a large round leather sack,
And said, "Dear mother, I have been a very good, kind boy,
Trying like the Bible says, to bring our neighbors joy.
I played I was a postman and I paid each one a call,
And to the people in this block, I gave them letters all."

MOTHER:

"But where, my precious little lad, my darling honey pet,
Where in the name of goodness these letters did you get?"

BILLY:

"I found them with no trouble; they were the ones that you
Kept 'way up in your bureau drawer, all tied with ribbons blue."

A RIDDLE

One night 'neath the light of a silvery moon
There sat on a log pile a very fat coon
And also a little most cunning brown fellow
Eating of melon so juicy and mellow.
The large robust coon and the wee little one
Thought they were having a bushel of fun,
And laughed very loudly in notes of pure glee,
For they were as happy as happy could be.

So here is a riddle I'll give now to you,
Guess the relation there was 'twixt the two.

ANSWER

Most everyone answers, "Why, father and son."
Not so--'twas a mammy and her little one.

THE FIRST MATCH

In the days of great Grandmother
People often worked each other
When they sought a little light
At the coming of the night,
Or to bake their bread and meat
As fire making was a feat
Quite difficult and very slow.
So oft without a light they'd go
Instead of spending e'en an hour
With flint and steel exerting power
To make a little fiery spark
Which would produce light in the dark.

But in eighteen twenty-seven
Some good man earned fame from Heaven
By inventing a real match
Which one needed but to scratch
On its sulphur head so small
When forth came fire for us all.

THE NEW BABY

When Alfred saw the baby wee the stork to him had brought,
He stood quite silent for a while and thought and thought and thought
Until he'd solved the problem about the CURIOUS ONE
Who'd traveled far from Storkland, though she couldn't walk nor run.
Then to his mother he declared in accents of dismay,
"Dear Mother, we must send this kid back to her home to-day,
'Cause someone's cheated us I know and brought us an old child
With bald head and without a tooth and like an Indian wild.
Whenever it begins to cry it almost lifts the roof,
So, Mother, dear, I think 'tis best for you to keep aloof
From the old ugly Indian thing and send it to Storkland,
Then you and I'll be glad again and go to hear the band."

GOOD-BYE TO TEDDY BEARS

Good-bye to all the Teddy Bears, both big and small!
The "Billy Possums" are in style for one and all.
We little girls, like older folks, are bound to keep in style,
And so we have to change our toys 'most every little while.

When Roosevelt or "Teddy," was ruler o'er this land,
All stylish girls and clever boys kept bears on hand
To play with and to walk with and to put to bed at night,
As "Teddy Bears" were symbols of the Rooseveltian light.

But when King Teddy left his throne, Taft got his seat,
And soft brown Teddies disappeared from home and street,
While "Billy Possum" came to rule for two years or for three,
When "Bryan Kittens" will be hatched and all the rage will be.

SLEEPERS IN WESTMINSTER ABBEY

Within Westminster Abbey, which stands on Thorney Isle
Are burled many people of every age and style.
There's Edward the Confessor, who founded this great church
And Henry Third who sent his men to Italy to search
For beautiful mosaics which brilliantly would shine
All round about and high above the great Confessor's shrine.
Here great Shaftesbury's buried, who worked to his life's end
For poor down trodden children whose rights he did defend.
Sir Isaac Newton, very wise, who thought he was a child
Picking up the sea-shells beside life's ocean wild.
And noble Sir James Outram known as a man most brave,
Who at the siege of Lucknow the English corps did save.

Great Livingstone of world-wide fame who Africa explored
And whose sad death in Afric wilds by all men was deplored;
The blind postmaster Fawcett who tried so hard to mend
All foolish laws of England and English rights defend.
A monument we here may see to Sir John Franklin bold
Who lost his life while he explored in far off Arctic
cold.

Within the poet's corner full many a grave is found,
Behold good Geoffrey Chaucer as Father Poet crowned,
And great and good Lord Tennyson whose "CROSSING OF THE BAR"
It seems to me in Heaven above should win a shining star.
Will Shagspur's monument is here, where he is called the chief
Of all the greatest writers known, though I call him a thief
Because I think he stole his rhymes from many learned men
And then pretended all were writ just by his goose quill pen.

Great Handel the musician, born in a German town
But who in merry England won all his great renown;
The orator George Canning, a statesman good and great
And with whose son, Earl Canning, he lies in regal state.
Here's Gladstone, greatest statesman perhaps the world has known
Who's buried in this abbey 'neath monumental stone.
Great Wilberforce and two great Pitts who likewise won their fame
Within this ancient abbey we see each brilliant name.

And many kings both good and bad and with their royal wives
Were brought to this old abbey when they had spent their lives.
Strong Edward First, the warrior who brought the "Stone of Scone"
And placed it in the abbey to crown the KINGS alone.
Then Richard Second who is known as "The Westminster King"
So called as in the abbey he did most everything;
For he was crowned and married and also buried here--
No wonder that the abbey stones to him were very dear.

To "Madcap Harry," Henry Fifth, Westminster was his pride
So he was buried 'neath its walls--though in far France he died.
King Henry Seventh and his wife Elizabeth the kind,
Close, side by side, their royal tombs we easily may find.
Queen Mary called "The Bloody," with Bess "The Virgin Queen,"
Beside Queen Mary of the Scots, their tombs may now be seen.
It was at Mary's funeral when she was lying dead
That in the abbey Catholic mass for a last time was said.
King Henry Fifth the murdered King and Edward Sixth the boy,
Who while he lived no sorrow gave but brought to England joy,
And many other kings and queens and men of wondrous fame
Both good and bad their bodies lie in restful sleep the same.

LAZY WHITE MEN SIT WHILE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

Poor Lo, the Indian, disrespects his brothers wise and fair,
Who now on aeroplanes are wont to make trips through the air.
He watches them go circling like birds up in the skies,
Then grunts, "Heap lazy white man, he sits down when he flies."

TOO TICKLISH TO COUNT HIS RIBS

In the class of physiology the teacher asked one day,
"How many ribs have you, my boy, tell me, Dickie Gray?"
And wiggling, giggling Dickie very promptly made reply,
"Dear teacher, I must tell the truth, for I could never lie,
But as for ribs I cannot say how many I possess,
For I'm too awful ticklish to count them, I confess."

IT TAKES A CIGAR A LONG TIME TO WEAR OUT

When Harry Warren was a boy only five years old,
He wasn't then as he is now, so very big and bold,
But he was very much afraid of bad tobacco smoke,
Which seems to those who know him now to be a funny joke.

He had an uncle on whose knee he loved to sit each day
And listen to exciting tales about the Pixies gay,
But when his uncle had a light upon a long cigar,
Then little Harry used to sit away from it as far
As he could manage well to get upon his uncle's knee,
Since Harry feared tobacco smoke more than a bumble bee.

One day while sitting way far out upon his uncle's knee,
He grew so very tired as he waited there to see
The end of the long smoker which made smoke all about
And said, "It takes that big cigar a long time to wear out."

A PICKERINO--THE COOK'S FATE

Should COOK permit Sir Lemon squeezer,
Would virtuous Pepper box her, potato masher?
Would bakers baker in a heater,
And tell the saucy strong egg beater?
Would they then wax yet even bolder
While Mr. Tongs so well would holder
And then unto the pancake turner
Who would allow the cruel gas burner?

THE FIRST METAL PLOW

The metal plow so I've been told
First was made in days of old
By Grecian farmers and we know
That great Ulysses used to go
Behind the plow and play insane
By tilling sand to plant his grain
So that he need not leave his wife
And march away to dreadful strife.

LEGENDS OF THE CORONATION STONE

In Bible stories we have read
Of Jacob whose uncovered head,
Rested once on BETHEL-STONE
While round his head a vision shone.

The stone was then to Egypt carried,
From there to Spain by one who married
Great Pharaoh's daughter who was good--
For Hebrews' rights she always stood.

To Ireland with this same stone
The King Hiberus sailed alone
And placed it on fair Tara Hill,
No doubt the stone would be there still

If Fergus had not come along
With many warriors bold and strong
And bore it to his native land
Of bonnie Scotland there to stand.

Within the Castle Dunstaffrage
And here it stood for many an age
Until as a most sacred stone
'Twas placed within the Church of Scone.

And the good kings of Scotland fair
For years and years were all crowned there
Till Edward Langshanks seized this stone
Of which 'twas said 'twould always groan

If any worthless king or queen
Upon its seat were ever seen.

He brought it to dear England's shore
And willed that it should move no more
And in Westminster it was placed
Within a wooden chair encased.

PLEASE, GRANDPA, CROAK

"Grandaddy," said young Harry, "do a good turn for me,
By croaking like a big bull frog so I can plainly see
If Daddy told the honest truth or only cracked a joke
Because he said I'd have some 'dough' if you would only croak."

TO SAVE HIM FROM A WHIPPING

When Mrs. Hall, who had spent the day
With Mrs. Green, was going away,
Wee curly headed, naughty Joe
Begged so hard that she wouldn't go.

Now all the day this roguish lad
Had disobeyed and been quite bad,
So Mrs. Hall, in great surprise,
Paused and looked in his brown eyes,
While saying, "I'm so glad to know
You love me truly, dearest Joe."

"Oh, 'tisn't that," said honest Joe,
"I wouldn't mind for you to go
Except my mother said to-day,
She'd whip me when you went away."

THE FIRST FORKS

In the days of good Queen Bess
How sad it is we must confess
That the English ate their food
In a fashion very rude.

Great William Shakespeare like the rest
And Walter Raleigh richly dressed
Both ate their meat just with a knife--
The same they used to settle strife.

'Twas the Italians who first made
The useful fork which surely paid
Its wise inventors who could eat
Of sauces and most juicy meat
And never have to wash their hands
As straight knife eating oft demands.

THE KING'S QUESTIONS

Once on a time, long, long ago, in a far-off foreign land,
A certain king who loved to roam with his chosen courtly band,
Was riding abroad one early morn through streets of a city fair
When a curious sign above a door caused him to pause and stare.
This sign board plainly read to all that here was Wisdom's college
With a Professor at its head of UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE.
"Ha! Ha!" loud laughed the wily king while rapping on the door,
"'Tis true above all other men I need a goodly store
Of UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE so that I may wisely rule
And never say a foolish thing nor act the silly fool."

But when the great (?) Professor X-- appeared within the door,
With trembling hands and downcast eyes, while bowing to the floor
The king gazed at the coward and this is what he said,
"You answer my three questions or you will lose your head.
Now first since you know everything please tell me what I'm worth,
And second tell the number of baskets of good earth
That one may find by digging within that mountain there
Reaching with its snow capped crown away up in the air.
And when you've rightly answered these questions given you
Then you must tell me of my thoughts to prove your wisdom true.
Three days is all I'll give you to answer me or go
To realms where wisdom surely dwells and something you must know."

And then the King departed and left the wise man sad,
For though he had some wisdom his little knowledge had
But given him the swelled head so foolishly he thought
Through painted signs of wisdom his knowledge would be sought.

And as this foolish wise man bemoaned his coming doom,
His good but unlearned servant walked into the room,
And told his master not to mourn as he would take his place
And answer the King's questions while gazing in his face.
So when three days had passed away the Royal Master came
And Jim the servant greeted him as if he were the same
As he himself or any man who lived upon the earth,
And to the world's good Mother Earth was debtor for his birth.

Then spake this servant to the King--"I'm glad my Sire to see
And now with pleasure I'll proceed to answer questions three.
You're worth how much--not surely more than one wee bit of gold
For as you know the Saviour King for thirty bits was sold.

And as to baskets of good earth in yonder mountain high
Think not your foolish question has made me sleepless lie.
It doesn't even take a man who could be called quite wise
To tell you that this all depends upon the basket's size.
For if the basket's mountain size of course but one will do
But if it's only half as large then we must needs have two."

Delighted with these answers the King shook Jim's rough hand,
While smiling as he looked at him and gave his last command,
"Now tell me what I'm thinking of, you wizard of the earth,
And if you answer truly, yours is this pearl of worth."
"Oh, that is very simple," Jim quickly answered him,
"You think me the professor, but I'm his servant Jim."

This answer was so pleasing unto the mighty King,
He made him his favored courtier, wearing his signet ring.

ENGLAND'S KINGS IN RHYME

There were many kings of England in ancient Saxon days,
But little to remember except their rude wild ways.
There was Egbert and King Ethelwolf and also Ethelbald,
Ethelbert and Ethelred and Alfred Great so called.

There was Edward and King Athelstan followed by three kings
Edmund and King Edgar and one whose praise we sing--
The good and kindly Edward who won a martyr's crown;
Then came a second Ethelred, who never won renown;
And as this king was always known just by the name "Unready,"
So his successor well was called--"Strong Edmund ever steady."
And last of all the Saxon kings decreeing England's fate
Came the Confessor Edward whom we all consider great.

And now we come to William, the Norman cruel but brave,
And who the throne of England to Norman monarchs gave,
But the royal line he founded had rulers only four,
Two Williams and one Henry, one Stephen and no more.

Plantagenets just fourteen then came to rule this land,
They formed the longest kingly line and made a goodly band.
Though they were not all very good and some were very bad,
While some were truly gay old sports and others very sad.
The founder was King Henry the second Henry king,
For cruelty to Becket, no praise to him we sing.
Then Richard the Plantagenet, who had a lion heart
And whose brave deeds are greatly praised in history and art.
Then came the trembling coward, the hated ruler John,
How glad are we that from this earth he long ago hath gone!

And after followed Henry Third a silly royal goose,
Within whose head I sadly fear there were some sutures loose.
Then came the first King Edward who with his warrior band,
Laid bare the minstrels' country and their dear mountain land.
A second Edward, then a third directly followed after,
Then came poor Richard Second who had small cause for laughter;
Then Henry Fourth who conquered all the lands of goodly Wales
As we have often heard in rhyme and in historic tales,
And Henry Fifth feared by the French, it was within his reign
Fair Joan d'Arc's brave blood was shed the English swords to stain.
King Henry Sixth spent his last days in mourning in the Tower
While Edward Fourth by might of will possessed the kingly power.
The little lad, poor Edward Fifth, was never duly crowned,
But in the Tower cold in death the poor young king was found.

'Tis said that he was murdered by one who then did rule
His uncle the third Richard, hump-backed and very cruel.
This wicked monster lost his life at Bosworth's bloody field,
Then came the Tudor family their scepters strong to wield.

Through Henry Seventh and his son King Henry Eighth, the bold,
Then Edward Sixth, the wise young king who ne'er grew to be old,
And monstrous blood-soaked Mary at whose dread bloody name,
All noble English subjects should feel a blush of shame;
Elizabeth, her sister, the red-haired maiden queen,
Who sometimes was quite gracious but had a lot of spleen.

With this great queen the Tudor line came to a glorious end
Then to the Stuarts, six in all, the English knee did bend.
First came the learned James the First, and Charles the First, his son,
Who through the warrior Cromwell forever was undone.
This warrior styled "Protector" knew how to rule all men,
If not with his good broadsword, why, then with stroke of pen.
And after him the second Charles returned to England fair,
And claimed that to her glorious crown he was the lawful heir.

Then after him the bigot James, the second of his name,
Who was deposed from England's throne and earned a crown of shame;
Then good King William called the Third, and Mary, his good wife,
They ruled o'er happy England and banished horrid strife,
But leaving no good children to whom the throne could fall
Poor sickly Anne, whose heart was big but brains so very small,
As James's second daughter succeeded to the crown
And did her best to rule the land but never won renown.
To seventeen fair children she in her life gave birth
But as death claimed them every one she had no cause for mirth.

The Stuart line was ended with Anne, unhappy queen,
Then came four kings called Georges, with wits not very keen,
Hanover's line they founded, which line rules England now,
And to this line all Englishmen on loyal knee would bow.

And after all the Georges had had their rule and died,
Then William Fourth, the brother of George the Third, he tried
To rule o'er England's country with kind and steady hand,
But when his brother's daughter succeeded to this land
She made a better ruler than any queen or king
And to VICTORIA, great VICTORIA, loudest praises ring.

She ruled o'er England's empire for years full sixty-four,
And her great crown with queenly grace and kindliness she wore.
Her son, King Edward Seventh, the ever tactful king,
Ruled for a few short seasons until by Death's cruel sting
His happy reign was ended and George the Fifth, his heir,
Was made the kingly ruler of England's lands so fair.

BRUNETTES ALL THE RAGE

Great Byron sang of ladies fair
With bright blue eyes and golden hair;
But Major Woodruff says--;"Beware--;
Of those whose skin is very fair,
As naughty maidens have blue eyes
And seldom are they good and wise."

He urges men like Moses great
To choose a brunette for a mate,
Whose eyes and hair have the dark hue
Which proves that she'll be wise and true.

CATS A KISSIN' (CATECHISM)

Last week my cousin Patti, who isn't yet quite three,
Went to our good Sunday School with Mother and with me.
She sat quite still and listened well to all the teacher said,
Until I thought she stowed away much knowledge in her head.
But when that evening Auntie asked, "What did my darling hear
When she went to Sunday School; tell me, won't you, dear?"
She shrugged her little shoulders and said, "Not anyfing
Except dey said some funny words and den began to sing;
Though 'bout de cats a kissin', well, the teacher said you should
Teach me ev'ry evenin' and den I'd be so dood."

INFORMATION BY PHONE

Little brilliant Nellie, whose Ma thought she was ill,
Took her to the doctor, who gave her a big bill,
For sounding with a stethoscope young Nellie's narrow chest
And making her scream "Ninety-nine" with her utmost zest.

Next day a friend asked Nellie, "What did the doctor think
Is the matter with you? Are you on Death's brink?"

"Not much," said little Nellie, "no bugs could doctor find;
In fact he said that all my ills were just in mother's mind."

"But how did he discover this, he couldn't see through you,
And maybe what this doctor said is anything but true?"

"Of course the doctor told the truth," most scornfully said Nell,
"I heard him phone to my insides, and they said I was well."

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