Chapter II: Part 2

"To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our hand to our friends as he passes the window, or drives away from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts has a primary, a historical significance. The very word' salutation' in the first place, derived as it is from' salutatio,' the daily homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a history of manners.

"To bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified protestation. A lady's courtesy is a modified genuflexion. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and when we wave our hand to the friend on the opposite side of the street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans who, as Selden tells us, used to stand somewhat off before the images of their gods, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it, as if they had cast kisses.'

"Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady--a custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair _chatelaine_, and the custom which began in necessity has travelled down to us as a point of etiquette."

General salutations of a mixed company are not now in vogue in the best society, where etiquette requires that we recognize only our own friends and acquaintances.

In meeting at a friend's house where you are visiting a circle who are all entire strangers to you, remember that as mutual friends of the host and hostess you are bound whilst under the same roof to consider yourselves as acquaintances. No spirit of exclusiveness is an apology for a neglect of this, and no shyness can excuse a withdrawing into a corner, or clinging to one friend alone in such a circle.

CALLS.

WHEN ladies have, according to the French custom, set apart one morning or one evening in the week for receiving callers, it is a breach of etiquette to call at any other time, unless a short visit in the city or business that will not admit of delay are the excuses. An hour in the evening, and from ten to twenty minutes in the morning are the limits for a formal call.

When there is no time thus set apart, formal calls must be paid in the morning, but with friends of long standing the evening call is not only permissible, but often far more welcome.

Morning calls may be made by gentlemen in society upon all the occasions following:

In answer to a letter of introduction sent to him, or to return the call if the letter is personally presented.

In return for any hospitality offered to him when visiting another city, if the entertainer visit his own place of abode.

In return for any favor received or courtesy extended to him by another gentleman.

In return for an invitation to the house of a friend, whether the invitation has been accepted or declined, and this call must be made within the week following that during which the entertainment was given.

On any occasion when a grief or a joy calls for expressions of condolence or congratulation in the circle of his friends.

To greet the safe return of any friend who has been abroad, or away from home for any length of time.

Following any occasion when a lady has accepted his services as an escort, a gentleman must call to inquire after the health of his fair charge, and must not delay longer than the day after that upon which he has escorted the lady.

After a wedding, at the time appointed for the reception of friends.

When visiting in another city, upon any friends there, or upon those to whom letters of introduction have been given.

In asking or granting a favor, a call is demanded by etiquette.

The visit or call is a much better institution than the vulgar suppose. It is not without its objections, consuming valuable time, and giving occasion for gossip and small talk, but it is the most agreeable and customary way of turning a mere acquaintance into a friend. In a friendly call much of the restraint of meeting in large assemblies is thrown aside, mind meets mind much more easily in an easy _tete-a-tete_ conversation, and the conversation may be allowed to partake somewhat more of a personal character than it could in the ball-room or evening party.

First calls require prompt return, even if you drop the acquaintance before the second one.

Morning calls must never be earlier than noon, evening ones never later than nine o'clock.

When calling, if the room seems crowded, do not prolong your visit.

A gentleman may never call with a friend upon a lady, unless the friend is previously acquainted, or he has obtained permission of the lady to introduce him.

In making a formal call, a gentleman must retain his hat in his hand. An umbrella or cane may be left in the hall, never the hat or gloves. If the call is made in the evening, the hat and gloves must be held until the host or hostess gives an invitation to lay them aside and spend the evening. Strict etiquette requires that such an invitation shall not be given, or if given, not accepted on the occasion of a first call.

In making an informal call in the evening, a gentleman may leave hat, gloves, cane and overcoat in the hall.

No gentleman will prolong a call if he finds his host or hostess dressed to go out. A brief visit with a promise to repeat it will place his entertainers at ease, and even if they urge a longer stay, the very fact that they were preparing to go out, proves their desire to do so.

A card used in calling must never have anything upon it, but the name and address of the caller. Nothing can show a greater ignorance of the customs of society than to use a business card for a friendly call. A physician may put the prefix Dr. or the professional M.D., upon his card, and an Army or Navy officer his rank and branch of service. Thus a civilian's card must be simply:

JAMES LAWTON, 417 L--- Street.

A physician's:

DR. JEROME HAYES, 218 T--- Street, or

JEROME HAYES, M.D.

An Army officer's:

LIEUT. JAMES BENNETT, U. S. A.

An Naval officer's:

LIEUT. HENRY KEYSER, U.S.N.

In receiving a gentleman caller, a gentleman meets him at the door, takes his hat and cane, and places a chair for him, but a lady does not leave her seat to receive a gentleman, slightly rising to bow, and resuming her place again when her visitor is seated; in receiving another lady, a lady should rise and advance to meet her, also rise and accompany her to the door when leaving, unless she has other callers, in which case, she is not required to leave her place, only standing to bid her caller farewell.

An English authority gives some excellent directions for calling upon occasions of congratulation or condolence. He says:

"Visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week after the event. If you are intimate with the person upon whom you call, you may ask, in the first case, for admission; if not, it is better to leave only a card, and make your "kind inquiries" of the servant, who is generally primed in what manner to answer them. In visits of congratulation you should always go in, and be hearty in your congratulations. Visits of condolence are terrible inflictions to both receiver and giver, but they may be made less so by avoiding, as much as is consistent with sympathy, any allusion to the past. The receiver does well to abstain from tears. A lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her husband, was receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept profusely for sometime upon the best broad-hemmed cambric handkerchiefs, and then turning to her visitor said: 'I am sure that you will be glad to hear that Mr. B. has left me most comfortably provided for.' _Hinc illae lachrymae._ Perhaps they would have been more sincere if he had left her without a penny. At the same time, if you have not sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence, you will do better to avoid it, but take care that your conversation is not too gay. Whatever you may feel you must respect the sorrows of others."

On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as you wish to keep among your acquaintances, and it is then their part to call first on the young couple, when within distance.

A lady when calling keeps her parasol in her hand, and is not required to remove her glove.

No dog, however "dear or interesting," can be admitted to the drawing-room, and it is bad taste to have one follow you from home, if you intend to make calls.

It is better for a lady not to have a child with her when paying calls, unless it is trained to sit silent, or old enough to behave with quiet propriety.

It is a sign of low-breeding to fidget with the hat, cane or parasol during a call. They are introduced merely as signs that the caller is in walking dress, and are not intended, the hat to be whirled round the top of the cane, the cane to be employed in tracing out the pattern of the carpet, or the parasol to be tapped on the teeth, or worse still, sucked.

It is in bad taste for a caller to preface his or her departure by consulting a watch, remarking, "Now I must go," or insinuating that the hostess is weary of the visitor. Rise when ready to go, and express your pleasure at finding your friends at home, followed by a cordially expressed desire for a speedy meeting again.

Pelham said he always withdrew when he said something that produced a sensation, because he knew he must leave such an impression as would make people wish to see him again. The lady of the house should always ring when visitors rise to go, that a servant may be ready to show them out.

When other callers arrive, it is in bad taste to rise at once as if driven away. Let the first caller watch for a favorable opportunity to retire gracefully.

If a gentleman calling sees a lady unescorted rise to go, he may with perfect propriety offer to escort her to her carriage, even if a stranger, but he must return again to make his own farewell bow to the hostess.

The most trivial subjects are admissible for a call, and it is not in good taste to discuss deep interests, political questions or matters of grave moment.

If strangers are in the room when a caller rises to leave, courtesy requires only a slight bow in passing.

When calling, etiquette requires that a card be sent up. It will show that you have called, and if friends are at home, will prevent any confusion from mispronunciation of your name by the servant.

When the lady of the house is not at home, a card must be left, and if there are two or more ladies, the turning down of one corner of the card signifies that the call was intended for all the family,

If cards to be left preparatory to leaving town, the initials p. p. c. (_pour prendre conge_,* or, presents parting compliments), must be written in the left hand corner. If the departure is a hurried one, the card may be sent by a servant, but it is in better taste to leave it in person.

---- * To take leave. -----

Cards sent during the illness of any member of the family to whom they are sent, must be accompanied by verbal inquiries regarding the patient's health. The same rule applies to the survivors when cards of condolence are sent.

Cards may be left or sent the day after a ball or large evening party.

After a dinner party or small social gathering, cards must be left within the following week. When unable to accept an invitation to dinner, a call should soon afterwards be made to express regret at the inability to be present.

Visits of condolence are made within a week after the bereavement, unless the deceased be one of the immediate family, when a fortnight may be allowed to intervene. Cards may, however, be left immediately after the death is known.

The first call of a stranger must be returned within a week.

Married men are not obliged to make calls of ceremony in person. It is sufficient for their wives to leave their cards with their own.

Residents in a place make the first call upon any new comers.

If a lady does not wish to receive visitors, her servant must be instructed to reply "not at home," to callers. This is not meant to imply that she is out of the house; merely that she is not home to callers. To say that she is "engaged" answers the same purpose, but such answers must be made upon the first inquiry, for if the visitor is announced, he or she may conclude the refusal is intended for that especial call.

It is not necessary, nor is it customary in the city, to offer refreshments to callers. In the country, especially if the visitors have come from a distance, it is not only courteous, but often a positive kindness to do so.

If a stranger come to stay at the house of a friend, those who are in the habit of visiting at the house should call as soon as possible, and such calls should be returned at the earliest practicable opportunity.

A well-bred person should endeavor to be always prepared for callers. If it is impossible, during the day, to see your friends, instruct your servant to deny them at the door, but if once within house, no personal inconvenience should prevent you from presenting yourself. Illness alone, either your own, or that of some one requiring your constant attention, can then excuse you.

A lady should avoid keeping callers waiting. If they call before the hours etiquette has appointed, it is better to see them in the morning dress than to make them wait for a more elaborate toilet. If there is any fault, it is their own for intruding at improper hours.

Persons who do not keep a carriage should not make visits of ceremony in wet weather. It is ill-bred to enter a drawing-room, with a handsome carpet upon it, in muddy boots and spattered garments, to stand a dripping umbrella beside you, or deposit over-shoes in the hall.

Never resume your seat after having once left it to say adieu. There is nothing more awkward than to take leave twice. A lady who is receiving morning visits, may keep some trifling fancy-work in her hand, if she desires; but drawing, music, writing or any other absorbing occupation must at once be laid aside.

In receiving many callers at one time, a well-bred lady must divide her attentions as equally as possible. A _tete-a-tete_ conversation is a gross breach of etiquette, and no one may receive any especial notice excepting any elderly person.

If, during a call any _contretemps_ occur, shorten your visit. Your hostess may preserve a smiling serenity while a voice in the distance proclaims that, "Johnnie has fallen down the stairs," or "Mary has set the nursery curtains on fire," but you may be certain she will not resent your departure, even if you have not been two minutes seated.

If you find yourself intruding upon an early dinner hour, do not prolong your stay.

A call may be made upon a friend to whom some good fortune has come, as promotion in service or other happy event, even if he has not returned the last of your visits.

It is a breach of etiquette, during a call, to draw near to the fire to warm your hands and feet, unless you are invited by the mistress of the house to do so. If you are alone in the drawing- room for a time, while your visit is announced, and then go to the fire, leave your seat and advance to meet the mistress of the house as she enters, and then take the seat she points out to you.

In visiting an invalid, never offer to go to the room, but wait for a invitation to do so.

A gentleman who is a confirmed invalid, may receive the visits of a lady friend, but under no other circumstances.

Calls made either in person or by card, during an illness of your own, must be returned as soon as you are able to go abroad again.

It is a breach of etiquette to remove the gloves when making a formal call.

It is a breach of etiquette to stare round a room when you are making a call.

In paying visits of condolence, let your dress be subdued. It is offensive to put on your gayest attire to call upon a friend in affliction, and equally so to converse upon such subjects as balls, opera or similar amusements. Let the mourner decide whether to speak of the recent sorrow or not.

A lady who allows remarks to be made upon a caller, who has just left the room, commits not only a breach of etiquette, but a positive rudeness and ill-natured act. It is quite easy to check any such disposition by a grave reserve, and to turn the conversation at once.

Calls in the country may be less ceremonious, and of longer duration than those in the city.

It is an ostentation almost unkind for a lady to call upon a friend in reduced circumstances, with any parade of her own wealth in equipage or dress.

No mistress of the house may ever leave the room when there are visitors in it.

It is a breach of etiquette for a caller, who is waiting the entrance of the hostess, to open the piano, or to touch it if it is open.

It is a breach of etiquette to walk round the room when waiting for your hostess, examining the furniture or pictures.

It is a breach of etiquette for a caller to open or shut a door, raise or lower a window curtain, or in any way alter the arrangement of a room.

Many consider a clock on a drawing-room mantel a breach of etiquette, as it seems to hint to visitors to keep early hours.

It is a breach of etiquette to turn your chair so as to bring your back to any one seated near to you.

It is a breach of etiquette when making a call, to play with any ornament in the room, finger the furniture or seem indeed to be aware of anything but the company present.

To prolong a call to the next meal time is a positive rudeness, as it forces your hostess to invite you to the table whether convenient and agreeable or not.

In calling upon friends at a boardinghouse or a hotel, always write their names above your own upon your card, that it may be certain to be delivered to the right person.

CONVERSATION.

THERE are several principal rules of etiquette which must be rigidly observed in conversation, the non-observance of which will at once stamp the guilty party as ignorant of the forms and customs of polite society.

Ungrammatical expressions are unfortunately too common even amongst those who have not the excuse of ignorance, but who fall into the use of them merely from carelessness, or unconscious imitation of others. "Says she to me," and other vulgarisms of a like type, are also a gross violation of good taste in conversation.

The personal pronouns should be used as little as possible when speaking of any one, either present or absent. The name of the lady or gentleman to whom reference is made should be repeated if necessary, but under no circumstances should the words "she" or "he," accompanied by a nod or jerk of the thumb, in the direction of the person spoken of, be employed. Never talk of any one with whom you may have held intercourse as "that party," or "a party" of your acquaintance.

Avoid as utterly hateful the use of slang terms. There are surely words enough in the English language to express all the thoughts and ideas of the mind, and it is a sign of pure vulgarity to employ synonyms, the only remarkable part of which is that they derive their existence solely from vulgar sources. In a gentleman such expressions are too suggestive of low company, and intercourse with the worst associates, and in a lady such expressions are too offensive to be tolerated at all in good society. Slang never ornamented conversation, but it invariably sullies and degrades it. Equally to be censured as a violation of etiquette, and more so in a moral point of view, is the use of profanity; it is a sure mark, not only of low-breeding, but of a narrow, degraded if not a positively vicious mind. Lamont says:

"Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe there never was a man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often appears that men pay for swearing, but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is not easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected with it. Does any man receive promotion because he is a notable blusterer? Or is any man advanced to dignity because he is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low must be the character which such impertinence will exalt: high must be the character which such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable, therefore, must be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to support it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist his revenge; the ambitious man his preferments; the miser his gold; but the common swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large, sells his soul for naught, and drudges in the service of the devil gratis. Swearing is void of all plea, it is not the native offspring of the soul, nor interwoven with the texture of the body, nor any how allied to our frame. For, as Tillotson expresses it,'Though some men pour out oaths as if they were natural, yet no man was ever born of a swearing constitution.' But it is a custom, a low and paltry custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits who have no sense of honor, no regard to decency, but are forced to substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense. Hence the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the silliness of those who adopt it."

It is exceedingly rude, nothing in fact can be more so, to talk to any one person in the presence of others, in a language not understood save by the two persons using it--unless you are addressing a foreigner in his own tongue, and then others should be made aware of the subject discussed. Nothing can be in worse taste than to speak in an unknown tongue, to laugh and joke in a language which leaves the rest of the company in ignorance whether they themselves may not be the subjects of your remarks or mirth.

Never hold your companion, in a conversation, by the buttonhole. If you are obliged to detain him forcibly in order to say what you wish, you are pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome, and you commit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing.

To speak to one person in a company in ambiguous terms, understood by him alone, as "G---, I saw Mr. H., to-day, and delivered your message," is as rude as if you went up to G--- and whispered in his ear.

Do not interlard your conversation with scraps of foreign language. It is an affectation of knowledge in one direction, and a sort of tacit admission of ignorance in another; for it would seem to show that the speaker was not well enough acquainted with his own language to be able to express by its aid that which could really be told as well, perhaps better, by it than any other. There are certain expressions, chiefly French, which have become domesticated in the English language, and which may occasionally be employed, but only when they come in very aptly; the constant or extended use of them is intolerable in good society.

Quotations are to be avoided as much as possible. When made, they should be exceedingly short. There can scarcely be a greater annoyance to a company than for one person to take up all the time and attention by reciting a poem, a speech, a passage from a book, especially if it be the speaker's own book, speech or poem. Of course, if the company meet especially for mutual enjoyment in elocution or recitation, this rule does not apply. It is applicable only for general society. Short, pungent, epigrammatic quotations, if suitable to the subject of conversation, may be occasionally introduced, but their use should be the exception, not the rule.

Dr. Johnson says that in order to converse well, "there must, in the first place, be knowledge--there must be materials; in the second place, there must be a command of words; in the third place, there must be imagination to place things in such views as they are not commonly seen in; and in the fourth place, there must be a presence of mind, and a resolution that is not to be overcome by failure--this last is an essential requisite; for want of it many people do not excel in conversation."

To be known as an inveterate teller of stories, is a great injury to a man in society. A short, brilliant anecdote, that is especially applicable to the conversation, known to be new and never printed, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit himself to inflict.

Remarks having, and intended to have, a double meaning--even puns --are utterly to be deprecated. It is a great liberty to appeal to the private sympathies of any one, by which I mean, to those qualities or perceptions which are, as it were, a man's private property, available for the use of his intimate friends, but not for the general public. It seems almost needless to say that under no circumstances whatever are any coarse allusions permissible.

Trite remarks are simply drags upon conversation, and may produce awkward effects. It is told of Charles Lamb, that he was one day at dinner at a friend's house, where amongst a number of literary men was a solitary individual who had been invited for no apparent reason. The poor man thought that, being in such company, it behoved him to talk of some one or something literary. In an evil moment he said, without being conscious of the triteness of his remark: "Do you not think, sir, that Milton was a great genius?" Charles Lamb gazed at him curiously, rose, went to the sideboard and lighted a candle, with which he advanced, in solemn wise, to where the trite talker sat, and said as one who is about to look at some unusual object of interest-holding his candle near the poor man's head the while: "Will you allow me to examine this gentleman's pericranium?" Lamb was undoubtedly rude, but the other gave him enormous provocation.

Political and religious topics are not in good taste in general conversation. It is almost impossible to avoid strong personal feeling when a difference of opinion arises, and such discussions almost invariably lead to more warmth of expression and violence of argument than are compatible with the requirements of polite conversation.

To listen with interest and attention is as important in polite society as to converse well, and it is in the character of listener that the elegant refinement of a man accustomed to society will soonest prove itself. No matters how "flat, stale and unprofitable," the remarks of another may be, the well-bred man will listen with an appearance at least of interest, replying in such a manner as to show that he entirely "follows the thread of the discourse."

Avoid as much as possible all egotism; in conversation stick closely to Cardinal Wolsey's direction to "love thyself last." It is, to say the least of it, unseemly for a man to be constantly making himself the subject of conversation. At times it lays a man open to the attacks which his style certainly invites--as was the case with the egotist who dared to talk much of himself in the presence of Dr. Johnson, whom he had greatly irritated by his conceited talk. The Doctor availed himself of an opportunity to crush him.

"Oh, indeed, I did not know that!" exclaimed the man, upon some intelligent remark made by one of the company, whereupon the Doctor broke in with: "Sir, what you do not know would fill a very large library."

There used to be a joke against Lord, Erskine, who was notably a talker of himself, that the printer, having to print a speech which his lordship had delivered, sent word to say that "he was very sorry, but he had no more 'I's' in his founts than would suffice to set up half the speech."

The subject of conversation and the method of handling it should be so ordered as not to offend either directly or indirectly.

Suitable subjects, for time and place, form an important consideration in polite conversation. Grave tones and important consideration are not suited for the chit-chat of a brief call or a social evening, nor is small talk an appropriate introduction, when the meetings are for the purpose of discussing serious matters. Let gayety or gravity rule as place and occasion demand.

Gesticulations are in excessively bad taste. If you do not wish to attract censorious remark, converse quietly and without gesture. Declamation is not conversation.

Refrain from the use of satire, even if you are master of the art. It is permissible only as a guard against impertinence, or for the purpose of checking personalities, or troublesome intrusions. Under no circumstances whatever should it be used merely for amusement's sake, to produce an effect, or in order to show off one's own wit. It must never be employed by a gentleman against a lady, though ladies are prone to indulge in the use of this wordy weapon. Their acknowledged position should, in the eyes of a true gentleman, shield them from all shafts of satire. If they, on the other hand, choose to indulge in satire, it is the part of a gentleman to remonstrate gently, and if the invective be continued, to withdraw. There was a case in point during the Austro-Prussian war. The Grand Duchess of ---, being visited by a Prussian General on business, took occasion to pour forth upon him the unmeasured violence of her temper, which had naturally enough been disturbed by the success that had attended the Prussian arms, and had been at the same time so injurious to her husband's interests. The Prussian General remonstrated, at first mildly; the invective still flowed, when the General said he would not have believed that a Prussian officer could have been called upon to endure such abuse from the lips of a high-born lady. Still the Grand Duchess continuing to ignore the object of the General's visit, and continuing also to pour forth the bitterness of her spirit upon him, the soldier withdrew, not returning railing for railing, but simply declaring that the language used towards him was absolutely intolerable.

Do not attempt to speak with the mouth full.

Do not, however much you may be pleased with any remark, cry out "Bravo!" clap your hands, or permit any gesture, silent or otherwise, to mark your appreciation of it. A quiet expression of pleasure, or the smiling lip will show quite as plainly your sense of the wit, or fitness of the remark.

If you are flattered, repel it by quiet gravity. You cannot accept it without also accepting the contempt of the person who offers it. Refrain, too, from expressions of flattery to others; you will surely offend any hearer who has delicacy of feeling and refinement.

If an error in language, either in pronunciation or grammar, escapes those with whom you are conversing, never show that you notice it. To take occasion to repeat correctly the same word or phrase, is ill-bred in the extreme, and as much so to correct it when spoken.

In addressing any one and in general conversation, it will be well to bear in mind the advice of Polonius to his son Laertes: "Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar;" but unless you have special reason, do not too closely adhere to his precept, "Give every man thine ear, but not thy tongue." This will only serve to make you appear reserved and reticent, when to be so would be not only out of place, but ill-bred. In society, a man should make himself as agreeable as he can, doing his best to assist conversation, as well by talking gracefully and easily, as by listening patiently, even though it be to a twice-told tale.

Do not whistle, loll about, scratch your head, or fidget with any portion of your dress while speaking. 'Tis excessively awkward, and indicative of low-breeding.

Strictly avoid anything approaching to absence of mind. There can be nothing more offensive than a pre-occupied vacant expression, an evident abstraction of self at the very time you are supposed to be listening attentively to all that is being said to you. Lord Chesterfield said: "When I see a man absent in mind. I choose to be absent in body." And there was really much reason in the remark.

Whispering is atrocious, and cannot be tolerated. It is almost as bad to endeavor to draw one person from a general conversation into a _tete-a-tete_ discussion. Private affairs must be delayed for private interviews.

If, however, you find others have been guilty of this breach of etiquette, and you are so placed as to overhear what is intended to be a secret communication, you may with perfect propriety change your seat, or if this is not practicable, inform the persons so conversing, that their voices are audible to you.

Unless you are actually afflicted with deafness, never ask to have a sentence repeated. It implies a wandering attention. If your hearing is defective, say so, and your companion will raise his voice.

Never interrupt a speaker. It is equally rude to supply words over which your companion may hesitate a moment. Do not be guilty of a rough comment on what has been said, by such remarks as, "Yes, you mean so-and-so." If you understand such to be the meaning of a remark, act or answer accordingly; if you are uncertain, try to find out in some way that will not wound the feelings of the speaker.

In general conversation avoid argument. It is too engrossing of attention, and is moreover apt to break in upon the harmony of the company. If obliged to discuss a point, do so with suavity, contradicting, if necessary, with extreme courtesy, and if you see no prospect of agreement, finishing off with some happy good- natured remark to prove that you are not hurt or offended.

When addressing a person, look in his or her face, not staringly, but frankly, never fixing your eyes on the carpet or your boots.

Speak clearly and distinctly, never mumbling your words, and while avoiding a shouting tone, speak loudly enough to ensure your remarks being heard. A very low tone of voice will be heard if the words are clearly articulated and spoken slowly enough for perfect distinctness, and is much more agreeable than hurried, garbled speech loudly uttered.

Do not sit too close to your companion in conversation, and avoid any appearance of wishing secrecy.

Loud laughing and giggling are in excessively bad taste. Do not interrupt yourself by laughing at what you are about to say.

Eschew scandal, for "in scandal as in robbery, the receiver is always thought as bad as the thief." Mimicry is the lowest and most ill-bred of all buffoonery.

Swearing, sneering, private affairs either of yourself or any other, have long ago been banished out of the conversation of well-mannered people.

Never suppose, or never appear to suppose yourself the subject of the conversation or laugh of the company.

Bashfulness is an inconvenient quality, which a great authority has stated to be "the distinguishing character of a booby." Nicknames are abominable, and are never allowed in good society. Call people and things by their right names, and avoid affectations of all kinds.

If your friends become the subject of conversation, never compare one with another, or mention the vices of one to add to the lustre of virtue of the other. Find something pleasant to say of each, that you may not earn the reputation of a backbiter.

In conversing with a foreigner, betray no impatience if he hesitates for a word to express himself, nor any ridicule if his language is faulty. If you speak his own tongue, say so when you begin the conversation, as this is never a mere display of an accomplishment, but a true kindness to "a stranger in a strange land." You are almost certain to give pleasure by so doing.

To speak constantly of public characters or distinguished people as your intimate friends, even if they are so, is a certain mark of low-breeding. Boasting of your own position, wealth, luxuries or possessions of any kind is in equally bad taste.

Never speak to a literary person of his works. You may by an apt quotation or pleasant remark show that you are familiar with them, but to question an author about his profession is ill bred. It is equally so to speak of business matters to any man in general society. Business men do not go into the world of polite society to carry their shop, and they will not thank you for reminding them of work in their hours of relaxation.

Do not commence any conversation by the suggestion of painful or disagreeable topics. To ask a friend abruptly, "For whom are you in mourning?" may be tearing open anew a wound that was covered for the time by intercourse with society. Take other steps to satisfy yourself on this point. By the same token, do not say to a man, "That was an unfortunate affair, that failure of yours." Never, directly or indirectly, rub a sore.

Do not ask questions which relate to the private affairs of the person spoken to, and be guarded against conduct which may look like an attempt to force confidence. If too persevering in your inquiries you may be treated, and very properly, as one might treat a highwayman who sought to rob one of any other property. A man's thoughts are certainly his own most private possession, and you must be very intimate to seek to be admitted to a share in them. Even if you are so, it is far more delicate to wait until confidence is offered to you. A man has a perfect right to defend himself from cross-examination by any means, except positive falsehood.

In conversing with foreigners do not disparage any of their national customs, even if they are rude enough to attack yours. You may, pleasantly and frankly, defend the institutions of your native land, but not by comparison with the customs of other countries. If your companion is well-bred, he will admit that you possibly understand American customs better than a foreigner can do; if he is a low-bred man, no rudeness on your part will correct his manners or views.

Subjects or incidents calculated to disgust the hearers, are to be avoided in polite conversation. There is a positive fascination to some people in describing sickening or revolting scenes, but well- bred people will remember that some are sensitive upon such subjects, and all would prefer more agreeable topics.

Do not use surnames alone, even if speaking of intimate friends. For a lady to speak of her husband as "Smith" or "Jones," is vulgar in the extreme, and it is low-bred also to say "my husband," "my wife" or, except amongst relatives, to use the Christian name only, in speaking of husband or wife. Speak of your own husband or wife as, "Mr." or "Mrs. B---," and of your friends also by the surname prefix as, "Remember me to Mr. or Mrs. D."

Let no more than one person be speaking at one time.

Ridicule and personal joking cannot be too severely censured.

Avoid an officious offer of advice or your own opinion, and if you do give an opinion, be sure it is given as such and not as a fact.

If you would preserve a character for truthfulness, avoid the too common fault of exaggeration.

When visiting, be careful that you do not appear to undervalue anything around you by comparing it with what you have at home.

Beware of personal abuse or invective. Remember what Shakespeare put into the month of Cardinal Wolsey, when the Earl of Surrey said to him on his disgrace:

"Now if you can blush and cry 'guilty' Cardinal, You'll show a little honesty."

Mark the proud dignity of the prelate's reply:

"Speak on, sir; I dare your worst objections: If I blush It is to see a nobleman want manners."

Punning is a vulgarism that should be scrupulously avoided. An inveterate punster, though his play upon words may rise to the keenest wit, is yet an insufferable bore. No one feels secure in his society, or can guess what word may be torn out of a serious or brilliant remark to be tortured into a vulgar witticism, out of place and uncalled for.

Proverbs are not in good taste when introduced into conversation.

Scriptural phrases are apt to subject the speaker to a suspicion of insincerity, and should be used very seldom, and with the utmost reverence.

Cant is simply detestable.

Religion is a subject too apt to lead to long arguments if not to positive altercation to be the subject of general conversation.

Repartee is not a weapon for every-day use. There are few who can wield this polished blade skillfully, and when clumsy hands grasp it, it will wound both speaker and hearer.

The talented author of "Good Society," says:

"The great secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation as skillfully as may be to your company. Some men make a point of talking commonplace to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler. Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what respects the education of a lady differs from that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted. A woman of sense has as much right to be annoyed by the one, as a lady of ordinary education by the other. You cannot pay a finer compliment to a woman of refinement and _esprit_, than by leading the conversation into such a channel as may mark your appreciation of her superior attainments.

"It should be remembered that people take more interest in their own affairs than in anything else which you can name. In _tete-a- tete_ conversations, therefore, lead a mother to talk of her children, a young lady of her last ball, an author of his forthcoming book, or an artist of his exhibition picture. Having furnished the topic, you need only listen; and you are thought not only agreeable, but thoroughly sensible, amiable and well- informed.

"Be careful, on the other hand, not always to make a point of talking to persons upon general matters relating to their professions. To show an interest in their immediate concerns is flattering, but to converse with them too much about their own art or profession, looks as if you thought them ignorant of other topics.

"Remember in conversation that a voice 'gentle and low' is, above all other extraneous accomplishments, an excellent thing in woman. There is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice which is peculiar to persons only of the best breeding. It is better to err by the use of too low than too loud a tone. Loud laughter is extremely objectionable in society.

"Conversation is a reflex of character. The pretentious, the illiterate, the impatient, the curious, will as inevitably betray their idiosyncrasies as the modest, the even tempered and the generous. Strive as we may, we cannot always be acting. Let us, therefore, cultivate a tone of mind, and a habit of life, the betrayal of which need not put us to shame in the company of the pure and wise, and the rest will be easy. If we make ourselves worthy of refined and intelligent society, we shall not be rejected from it; and in such society we shall acquire by example all that we have failed to learn from precept."

If you are conversing, when interrupted by a visitor, and, after the customary greetings, resume the conversation, you must recapitulate the substance of it for the benefit of the new comer.

To invariably commence a conversation by remarks on the weather shows a poverty of ideas that is truly pitiable.

Do not constantly repeat the name of a person with whom you are conversing.

A person who has travelled will probably be severely ridiculed if constantly referring to "the winter I spent in Florence," or "when I was in London."

If conversation takes a tone that is offensive to good taste, charity or justice, be silent.

Do not be too ready to correct any statement you may deem untrue. You may be yourself mistaken.

INVITATIONS.

ALL invitations, excepting dinner invitations, are issued in the name of the lady of the house alone. Dinner invitations are issued in the name of the gentleman and lady of the house, or when extended to gentlemen only, in the name of the host alone. Answers to invitations, excepting such dinner invitations as are issued in the name of the gentleman only, must be addressed to the lady of the house.

When invitations are issued in the height of a fashionable season, it is best to send them out at least a fortnight beforehand. For a small company, and when gayety is not at its height, a week's notice is sufficient. For a costume ball, private theatricals or any occasion when elaborate dresses or preparations are needed, a month should be given.

Printed cards of invitation are not _en regle_, excepting for public occasions. A small note paper is the only appropriate one, and may have the initial letter or monogram stamped upon it, and the envelope. Any more fanciful decoration is in excessively bad taste.

The proper form for a dinner invitation is:

"Mr. and Mrs. G--- request the favor of Mr. and Mrs. L---'s company at dinner, on Tuesday, the 8th of January, at 5 o'clock."

Or,

"Mr. G--- requests the pleasure of Mr. L ---'s company at dinner, on Tuesday, the 8th of January, at 5 o'clock."

The answer accepting the invitation should run as follows:

"Mr. and Mrs. L--- have much pleasure in accepting Mr. and Mrs. G- --'s kind invitation to dinner on the 8th of January."

If declined, the following form must be used:

"Mr. and Mrs. L--- regret that a prior engagement (or other reason stated) will prevent their accepting Mr. and Mrs. G---'s kind invitation to dinner on the 8th of January."

Should the invitation be declined, some reason for the refusal must be given, and, unless an excuse (which always savors more or less of the untruthful) be wanted, it is the truest politeness to assign the cause which actually is the preventive. Whatever the cause--sickness, domestic trouble, business or any other--it should be stated as concisely as possible in the answer, which in any case should be dispatched as soon as possible (certainly the next day) after the receipt of the invitation, that the hostess may have time to summon other guests in the stead of those declining her first invitations.

After an invitation is once accepted, it should be scrupulously observed. Nothing but the most absolute necessity should prevent you from going, and when such necessity arises, it should be communicated directly, with a full explanation of the preventing cause even if it is within half an hour of the appointed dinner time. If earlier, send the explanation as soon as possible.

Invitations to dinner and the answers must be sent by a special messenger. The post is proverbially uncertain, and the non-arrival of an expected invitation or its answer, may cause lasting offence.

It is a breach of etiquette, to say nothing of practical inconvenience, to bring an unassorted company together at dinner. Great people, public characters, literary celebrities or distinguished guests from any cause should not be invited merely because they are such. They will be uncomfortable if the guests summoned to meet them are not congenial, and the remainder of your company equally so. No one guest should be too conspicuous. A harmonious blending of tastes and qualities should be the object in view. Persons moving in one circle of society should not, as a general rule, be invited to meet those who move in another circle. A man of strong political bias in one direction, should not be invited to meet a party opposed to his views; persons of known and marked differences in religious matters should not be invited to meet each other, and above all, avoid the social collision of those whom you know to be personal enemies. The best guide in such matters is common sense, coupled with a little judicious forethought.

Invitations to large balls should be sent out at least a fortnight before the time appointed, and are worded thus:

"Mrs. L---'s compliments to Miss G---, and requests the pleasure of her company at a ball, on Wednesday, the 7th of March, at 9 o'clock."

The answer is as follows:

"Miss G---'s compliments to Mrs. L---, and accepts with pleasure her kind invitation for Wednesday, March 7th."

Or,

"Miss G--- regrets a recent death in her family will prevent her accepting Mrs. L---'s kind invitation for March 7th."

An invitation to an evening party is worded:

"Mrs. S--- compliments to Mr. and Mrs. T---, and requests the pleasure of their company on March 9th, at 8 o'clock."

Such an invitation calls for full evening dress. The answer is the same as for a ball invitation.

Invitations to pic-nics, private theatricals, concerts, tea parties and other entertainments, generally state the nature of such entertainment, and are a little less formal than those already given.

For a musical party:

"Mrs. R-- requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. P---'s company, on Thursday evening, Feb. 10th, at 8 o'clock, to meet the members of the Harmonia Musical Society."

And if you have a programme of the concert, enclose it.

Or,

"Mrs. F--- expects a few friends on Monday evening next, at 8 o'clock, to take part in some dramatic readings, and would be happy to have Miss B--- join the party."

Or,

"Mrs. S---'s compliments to Miss P---, and would be pleased to have her join a pic-nic party to Pine Grove, on Wednesday, June 14th. Carriages start from Mrs. S---'s at 9 o'clock, and a place will be reserved for Miss P---."

Notes of invitation must always be dated, and your address in full written in one corner, thus:

"Feb. 6th, 18--. "Miss M---. requests the pleasure of Miss N---'s company to a small evening party, on Friday evening next, at 8 o'clock. "No. 762 R--- Street."

The body of the invitation must be in the middle of the sheet, and date a little above to the right, the address a little below to the left.

The envelopes containing invitations must be directed always to the private residence of the person invited, never to a place of business or office.

When the officers of a regiment or a ship are invited to an entertainment, and it is not possible to invite them all, it is customary to send an invitation to the Colonel or Commander, accompanied by a certain number of blank tickets, if it be a public ball, or by an intimation that the host would be glad to see Colonel or Captain --- and so many of the officers of the regiment or ship.

Invitations by a regiment to a ball, to be given by the officers, are worded as follows:

"Col. and the officers of the --- Regiment, U. S. A. (or other branch of the service), request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. C--- 's company on the 7th of December, at 9 o'clock. "R--- Barracks, corner of --- and --- Streets."

Answers should be addressed to the Colonel of the regiment, and worded thus: