Chapter XXVI: Part II (1)

Leper’s landlady became very harsh to his master, and very often abused him exceedingly sore with her tongue and hands, and always called upon him for more money, and to have all the money in her keeping; which Leper was sorry for. It so happened on a day that the tailor had got a hearty drubbing both with tongue and tongs, that he pouched his thimble and was going to make a queen of her: when she saw that, she cried out, O! will you leave a poor tender dying woman. But Leper knowing the cause of her ill nature better than his master did, advised him to take her on a fine day, like a mile out of town, and give her a walk, and he would stay at home and study a remedy for her disorder.--Away they both go; but as she was always complaining for want of health, and that she was very weak, she cried frequently out, O! ’tis a crying sin to take a woman in my condition out o’er a door. During their absence, Leper goes and searches the bed, and below the bolster gets a bottle of rare whisky, of which he takes a hearty pull, and then pisses in it to make it up; gets a halfpenny worth of snuff, and puts it in also, shakes all together, and so sets it in its place again.--Home they came, and she was exceedingly distressed as a woman could be, and cried out, it was a horrid thing to take her out of the house. The tailor seeing her so bad, thought she would have died, ran as fast as he could for a dram, but she in her hypocrisy pretended she could not take it, and called on him to help her to bed, into which he lays her; she was not well gone when she fell to her bottle, taking two or three hearty gluts, then she roars out murder, I’m poisoned, I’m poisoned. Bocking and purging began, and the neighbours were called in; she lays her blood upon poor Leper, and tells how such an honest woman brought her a’e bottle as another was done, and the murdering loon had stolen it and put in a bottle of poison instead of it. Leper took to his heels, but was pursued and carried before a justice of the peace, where he told all he had done, which made the justice laugh heartily at the joke; and the tailor’s wife was well purged from her feigned sickness, laziness, and cursed ill nature; for always when she began to curl her nose for the future, the tailor had no more to say, but Maggy mind the bottle.

Leper was working with a master-tailor in Glasgow, who hungered his men; and one morning, just when breakfast was set on the table, in comes a gentleman to try on a suit of clothes; the master being obliged to rise desired the lads to say the grace themselves. Every one refused it, and put it to his neighbour, till Leper undertook it, and said with an audible voice, that the stranger gentleman might overhear him as follows:--‘Och, hoch! we are a parcel of poor beastly bodies, and we are as beastly minded; if we do not work we get nothing to eat; yet we are always eating and always fretting; singing and half starving is like to be our fortune; scartings and scrapings are the most of our mouthfuls. We would fain thank thee for our benefactors are not worthy the acknowledging;--hey. Amen.’ The gentleman laughed till his sides were like to burst, and gave Leper half-a-crown to drink.

Leper was not long done with his apprenticeship till he set up for himself, and got a journeyman and an apprentice, was coming into very good business, and had he restrained his roguish tricks, he might have done very well. He and his lads being employed to work in a farmer’s house, where the housewife was a great miser, and not very cleanly in making meat, and sneeveled through her nose greatly when she spoke.--In the morning, when she went to make the potage, she made a fashion of washing the pot, which to appearance seemed to him to have been among the first that had been made; then sets it before the fire till she went to the well, in which time Leper looking into it, sees two great holes stapped with clouts, he takes up his goose, and holds it as high as his head, then lets it drop into the pot, which knocked out the bottom of it; presently in comes the wife with the water, and pours it into the pot, which set the fireside all in a dam, for still as she poured in, it ran out: the wife being short-sighted, or what they call sand blind, looks into the pot, holds up both her hands and cries, ‘Losh preserve me, sirs, for the grip atween the twa holes is broken.’ Says Leper, the pot was old enough; but do you not ken that tailors potage is heavier than other mens. Indeed lad I believe it, but they say ye’re a warlock; its Wednesday all the world o’er, and a waefu’ Wednesday to me indeed, my pot might ha’e served me this fifty year, a sae wad it e’en.

This sport diverted Leper and his lads through the day; and after supper, knowing he was to get some dirty bed, as the cows and the people lived all in one apartment, he choose rather to go home; and knowing the moon was to rise a little after midnight, he sat by the fire, told them many a fine story to drive away the time, and bade the wife make the bed to see how it might be: to save candle she made it in the dark, directly on the floor behind where they sat, shaking down two bottles of straw; a calf which chanced to be lying on that place, and which the wife did not notice was covered with the straw, and the bed clothes spread over it. The most of the family being in bed, the wife told them to go to bed also, but Leper knowing of the calf, said I’ll make my bed come to me, on which the wife began to pray for herself and all that was in the house; so up he gets his elwand, and gives a stroke on the bed which caused the brute to rise, and not seeing where to go, it fell a crying and turned round, which set the whole house a roaring out murder in their own tongue. The goodwife ran to the bed above the goodman, and the whole family cried out, not knowing what it was; but Leper and his two lads whipt off the blankets, and the brute ran in among the rest unperceived; then Leper lighted a candle, and all of them got out of bed, paid Leper for his work, and more if he pleased, and begged him to go away, and take the devil with him. So home he went, but never was employed by that wife any more.

Leper had a peal of the best customers both in town and country; so one time he had occasion to go to the parish of Inchinan, to make a wedding suit for a gentleman, after they were finished he desired drink money for his lads, which the gentleman refused: Leper resolved to be even with him, so he goes to the hay loft where the groom slept, and takes his stockings, breeches, and jacket, sewed them together, and stuffs them full of hay; makes a head, puts a rope about the neck, and hangs it on a tree, opposite to the lairds window; then goes to the laird and tells him that his groom had hanged himself, and that if he would open his window he would see him hanging; the laird was struck with astonishment, and knew not what to do; Leper advises him to bury him privately. The laird said he had not a servant he could trust, so begged Leper to do it. Leper refuses, till the laird promises him a load of meal, then Leper pulls out all the hay out of the groom’s clothes; goes and gets his load of meal, and sends it to Glasgow,--then goes to the groom, and says, lad thy master is wanting thee. So the lad in all haste runs to see what his master wanted, the laird no sooner saw him open the door, than he cried out, Avoid thee Satan, avoid thee Satan! The lad says, what’s the matter? Did not you hang yourself this morning? Lord forbid! said the lad. The laird says if thou be an earthly creature, take that tankard and drink: which he did; then says he to his master, Leper called me up, and said you wanted me in all haste. Ho, ho, said the laird, I find out the story now, if I had Leper I would run my sword thro’ him; but Leper before that was gone for Glasgow with his meal.

Leper was in use to give his lads their Sunday’s supper, which obliged him to stay from the kirk in the afternoon, he having neither wife nor servant maid; so one Sunday afternoon as he was cooking his pot, John Mucklecheek, and James Puff-and-blaw, two civileers, having more zeal than knowledge, came upon him, and said--What’s the matter, sir, you go not to the kirk? Leper replied, I’m reading my book and cooking my pot, which I think is a work of necessity. Then says the one to the other, don’t answer that graceless fellow, we’ll make him appear before his betters; so they took the kail pot, and puts a staff through the bools, and bears it to the Clerk’s chamber. Leper who was never at a loss for invention, goes to the Principal of the College’s house, no body being at home but a lass roasting a leg of mutton; Leper says, my dear, will you go and bring me a drink of ale, and I’ll turn the spit till you come back. The lass was no sooner gone, than he runs away with the leg of mutton, which served his lads and him for their supper. When the Principal came home, he was neither to haud nor to bind he was so angry; so on Monday he goes and makes a complaint to the Lord Provost, who sends two officers for Leper, who came immediately. My Lord asked him how he dared to take away the Principal’s mutton? Leper replied, how dared your civileers to take away my kail pot? I’m sure there is less sin in making a pot full of kail, than roasting a leg of mutton, law makers should not be law breakers, so I demand justice on the civileers. The Provost asked him what justice he would have? says he, make them carry the pot back again; and to the Principal, a leg of mutton will not make him and me fall out; so they were forced to carry the pot back again, and Leper caused the boys to huzza after them to their disgrace.

There was a barber who always plagued Leper, and called him prick-the-louse.--Leper resolved to be even with him, so he goes and buys three sheep heads, and sends for the barber, and told him, that there were three fine Southland gentlemen just come to his house, which much wanted to be shaved, and he assured him he would receive sixpence for each one of them;--this good news made the shaver send for a dram;--Leper was still praising them for quiet good natured gentlemen. So Leper takes him to the bed where the sheep heads lay covered, and desired him to awaken them for they would not be angry, or say an ill word to him, the barber lifts the covering and sees the sheep heads, runs out cursing and swearing, and Leper crying after him, sheep head barber.

The barber resolved to be revenged on Leper, so when he was shaving Mess John, he tells him that Leper was the drunkenest fellow in the parish. So Mess John warns him to the session; Leper comes and says, what do you want with me, Sir? Come away Leper, says Mess John, I hear a bad report of you; me Sir, I am sure they were not my friends that told you that.--Indeed, I am informed you are a drunkard.--I a drunkard you have not a soberer man in your parish: stop Sir, I will tell you how I lead my life--in the morning I take a choppin of ale and a bit of bread, that I call my morning; for breakfast I generally take a herring and a choppin of ale, for I cannot sup brose like my lads; the herring makes me dry, so at eleven hours I take a pint, and sometimes three choppins; at supper I take a bit of bread and cheese and a pint, and so go to bed. Mess John says, its extravagant Sir, its excessive drinking, I allow you one half of it for a quarter of a year. Says Leper, I’ll try it, Sir, and come back and tell you. At the end of the quarter he draws out his account, and goes to Mess John, who was sitting with his elders in the Session-house, and says; Sir I have a demand on you; on me, Sir; Yes, on you, Sir; don’t you remember you allowed me so much drink for a quarter of a year and I want the money. Am I to pay your reckoning, Sir. You allowed it, and if you wont pay it I’ll take you before the Provost. The elders advised him to pay it or he would be affronted; so Leper got the money. When he was at the door, he says, Sir, will you stand another quarter: Get away, says Mess John, and don’t trouble me. Leper says, I am sure you may, for I am always twopence to your penny.

THE END.

ANECDOTES.

INCONVENIENCE OF A PETITION.

A reverend Gentleman, when visiting his parishioners, was in one house first saluted with the growling of a dog, and afterwards by the cheering voice of a female, d--ning the dog for his ill-breeding. He advanced and enquired for the master of the house. “What do ye want wi’ that?” said the female. “We are wishing to see him,” said the Reverend Gentleman, “will ye be so good as bring him to us?” “I’ll gang nae sic an errand,” said she; “ye may gang doon to the market yoursel’, an’ ye’ll see him there: they’re thrang killin’ the day. But what are ye wanting wi’ Pate, if a body micht speir.” “This is the minister,” said the elder who accompanied him, “he is wishing to have some conversation with Peter, and to put up a petition.” “A petition! a petition!” exclaimed the matron, “ye’ll put up nae petition here; the house is wee eneugh already, an’ wha do ye think’s gaun to be fashed wi’ masons an’ wrights an’ a’ thae clamjamfray about their house? Faith no--the devil a petition will be putten up in this house, as langs am in’t we’re gaun to flit at Whitsunday, so ye may come then an’ put up as mony petitions as ye like.”

DUKE OF BUCCLEUGH.

Henry, Duke of Buccleugh was greatly beloved by his numerous tenantry. One of his small tenants, Jamie Howie by name, had a son about four years of age, who, having heard much of a great Duke of Buccleugh, was very anxious to see him. Honest Jamie, in a few days, was honoured with a visit from the duke, when Jamie, doffing his bonnet, and making a reverential bow, says “O my Lord! ye maunna be angry wi’ me, but it’s God’s truth, my Lord, there’s a daft we callant o’ mine that canna rest, nor let others rest nicht nor day; he has ta’en in his head sic a notion o’ seeing what like ye are, Gudesake, my Lord, I dinna think he has ony yedea ye are a man at a’ but some far awa, outlandish, ower sea creature.” The Duke mightily tickled with this fancy, desired Jamie to bring the youngster into his presence forthwith. Out comes the juvenile inquisitor, with his finger in his mouth, and cautiously reconnoitres the personage before him. At last quoth the urchin, “Can ye soom?” “No my little fellow,” replied his grace, “I canna soom.” “Can ye flee?” “No, I canna flee.” “Weel, man, for as muckle’s ye’re I wadna gie ane o’ my father’s dukes for ye, for they can baith soom an’ flee.”

A BANE TO PIKE.

Some boys diverting themselves in one of the streets of Edinburgh, observed on a door, a brass plate with Al--x--nd--r Guthrie, W. S. engraved on it. In their diverson, they broke a pane of glass in one of the windows, upon which Mrs. Guthrie and the maid sallied forth and seized one of the delinquents. “Ye young rascal, what’s ye’r name?” says the lady, “Saundy,” replied the boy. “What’s ye’r ither name?”--“Guthrie.”--“Wha’s ye’r mither?”--“My mither sells burd’s cages.”--“Whar does she live?”--“I’ the Patter Raw.”--“Wha’s ye’r father?”--“I dinna ken.”--“Do ye no ken ye’r father?”--“Na! he ne’er comes but whan it’s dark, an’ naebody kens bit my mither.” Upon hearing this, the lady in a passion let go her victim, and running into the room where her husband was sitting, fell a-scolding him like a fury about his infidelity towards her. The young rogue laughed heartily at the success of his fraud, and turning to his companions, said to them, “I think I’ve gi’en her a bane to pike!”

SEEING ONE DRUNK.

The late Rev. Mr.---- of D---- Aberdeenshire was fond of his friend and a bottle; he sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook such proceedings, and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct.--One of the elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a witness against him. “Well, John (says one of the presbytery to the elder) did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C---- the worse of drink?” “Weel a wyte no: I’ve mony a time seen him the better o’t, but I ne’er saw him the war o’t.” “But did you never see him drunk?” “That’s what I’ll ne’er see, for before he be half slockened, I’m aye blind fu’.”

JOHN FALKIRK’S

CARICHES,

TO WHICH IS ADDED

TAM MERRILEES;

A CAPITAL STORY.

GLASGOW;
PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.

JOHN FALKIRK’S

CARICHES.

Question, What is the wisest behaviour of ignorant persons?

Answer, To speak of nothing but what they know, and to give their opinion of nothing but what they thoroughly understand.

Ques. What time is it when a scolding wife is at her best?

Ans. When she is fast asleep.

Q. What time is a scolding wife at the worst?

A. When she is that wicked as to tear the hair out of her head, when she cannot get at her neighbours, and through perfect spite bites her own tongue with her own teeth.--My hearty wish is, that all such wicked vipers may ever do so.

Q. What is the most effectual cure and infallible remedy, for a scolding wife?

A. The only cure is to get out of the hearing of her; but the infallible remedy is to nail her tongue to a growing tree, in the beginning of a cold winter night, and so let it stand till sun-rising next morning, then she’ll become one of the peaceablest women that ever lay by a man’s side.

Q. What time of the year is it that there are most holes open?

A. In harvest when there are stubbles.

Q. What time is a cow heaviest?

A. When the bull’s on her back.

Q. Who was the goodman’s muckle cow’s calf’s mother?

A. The muckle cow herself.

Q. What is the likeliest thing to a man on a horse?

A. A Tailor on a mare.

Q. What is the hardest dinner that ever a Tailor laid his teeth to?

A. His own goose, tho’ ever so well boiled or roasted.

Q. How many toads’ tails will it take to reach up to the moon?

A. One, if it be long enough.

Q. How many sticks gangs to the digging of a craw’s nest?

A. None, for they are all carried.

Q. How many whites will a well made pudding-prick need?

A. When well made it will need no more.

Q. Who was the father of Zebedee’s children?

A. Zebedee himself.

Q. Where did Moses go when he was full fifteen years old?

A. Into his sixteenth.

Q. How near related is your aunty’s goodbrother to you?

A. He is my father.

Q. How many holes are there in a hen’s doup?

A. Two.

Q. How prove you that?

A. There is one for the dung and another for the egg.

Q. What is the best method of catching rogues?

A. There is none so fit as a rogue himself.

Q. Where was the usefulest fair in Scotland kept?

A. At Mullgay.

Q. What sort of commodities were there?

A. Nothing but ale and wicked wives.

Q. How was it abolished?

A. Because those that went to it once would go to it no more.

Q. For what reason?

A. Because there was no money to be got for them but fair barter, wife for wife; and he who put away a wife for one fault, got another for her with two as bad.

Q. What was the reason, that in those day a man could put away his wife for pissing the bed, but not for sh----g it?

A. Because he could push it away with his foot and lie down.

Q. What is the reason now a-days, that men court, cast, marry, and re-marry so many wives, and only but one in public at last?

A. Because private marriage is become as common as smuggling, and cuckolding no more thought of than for a man to ride a mile or two upon his neighbour’s mare: men get will and wale of wives; the best portion and properest person is preferred, the first left the weak to the worst; and she whom he does not love he puts away, and lies down with whom he pleases.

Q. How will one know the bairns of our town by all others in the kingdom?

A. By their ill-breeding and bad manners.

Q. What is their ill-breeding and bad manners?

A. If you ask them a question in civility, if it were but the road to the next town, they’ll tell you to follow your nose, and if you go wrong curse the guide.

Q. Are young and old of them alike for ill breeding?

A. All the odds lies in the difference, for if you ask a child to whom he belongs, or who is his father, he’ll bid you kiss his father’s arse and then you’ll ken.

Q. What sort of creatures are kindliest when they meet?

A. None can exceed the kindness of dogs when they meet in a market.

Q. And what is collie’s conduct when there?

A. First, they kiss other’s mouths and noses, smell all about, and last of all, they are so kind as to kiss each other below the tail.

Q. What is the coldest part of a dog?

A. His nose.

Q. What is the coldest part of a man?

A. His knees.

Q. What is the coldest part of a woman?

A. Her backside.

Q. What is the reason that these three parts of men, women, and dogs are coldest?

A. Fabulous Historians, says, that there were three little holes in Noah’s Ark; and that the dog stopt his nose in one, and the man put his knee in another, and into the third and biggest hole, the woman bang’d her backside: and these parts being exposed to the cold blast, is the cause which makes them cold ever since.

Q. What remedy does the man take for to warm his cold knees?

A. He holds them towards the fire, and when in bed, draws his shirt down over them.

Q. What does the women do, to warm their cold part.

A. The married women put their backsides into their husbands’ arms:--Virgins, and those going mad for marriage, their maidenhead keeps them warm:--old matrons, and whirl’d-o’er maidens, and widows bewitched, hold their coldest parts to the fire.

Q. And what remedy does the poor dog take for his cold nose?

A. He staps it below his tail, the hotest bit in his body.

Q. What is the reason the dogs are worst on chapmen than on any other strangers?

A. It is said, the dogs have three accusations against the chapman, which has been handed down from father to son, or from one generation of dogs to another: the first is as old as Æsop, the great wit of Babylon.--The dogs having a lawsuit against the cats, they gained the plea: one of the dogs coming trudging home with the Decreet below his tail, a wicked chapman threw his ell-wan at him, and he let the Decreet fall and so lost their great privileges thereby. The second is, because in old times the chapmen used to buy dogs and kill them for their skins. The third reason is, when a chapman was quartered at a farmer’s house, that night the Dog lost his right of licking the pot.

Q. What creature resembles most a drunken Piper?

A. A Cat when she sips milk, for then she always sings, and so does a piper when he drinks good ale.

Q. What is the reason a dog runs twice round before he lies down?

A. Because he does not know the head of his bed from the foot of it.

Q. What creature resembles most a long lean, ill-looking greasy-faced lady, for pride?

A. None so much as a cat, who is continually spitting in her lufe and rubing her face, as many such ladies do the brown leather of their wrinkled chafts.

Q. Amongst what sort of creatures will you observe most of a natural law, or instinctive knowledge?

A. The Hart and the Hind meet on one certain day in the year; the Brood Goose, lays her first egg on Eastern’s Even, old stile; the Crows begin to build their nest about the first of March old stile; the Swans, observe matrimony, and if a female die, the male dare not take up with another or the rest will put him to death; all the Birds in general join in pairs and keep so; but the Dove resembles the adulterer, when the hen grows old he puts her away and takes another; the Locusts observe military order, and march in bands; the Frogs resembles gipsies and pedlers, for the young ones ride the old ones to death.

Q. Who are the merriest and heartiest people in the world?

A. The Sailors, for they’ll be singing and cursing and daming one another when the waves (their graves,) are going over their heads.

Q. Which are the disorderliest creatures in battle?

A. Cows and dogs; for they all fall on them that are neathmost.

Q. What are the vainest sort of people in the world?

A. A Barber, a Tailor, a young Soldier, and a poor dominie.

Q. What is the great cause of the barber’s vanity.

A. Because he is admitted to trim Noblemen’s chafts, thake their sculls, take Kings by the nose, and hold a razor to their very throats, which no other subject dare presume to do.

Q. What is the great cause of the Tailor’s pride?

A. His making of peoples new clothes, of which every person, young and old is proud. Then who can walk in a vainer show than a tailor carrying home a gentleman’s new clothes?

Q. What is the cause of a young soldier’s pride?

A. When he lists, he thinks he is free of his mother’s correction, the hard usage of a bad master, his liberty to curse, swear, whore, and do every thing, until he be convinced by four halberts and the drummer’s whip, that he has now got both a civil and military law above his head, and, perhaps, far worse masters than ever.

Q. What is the cause of the poor dominie’s pride?

A. As he is the teacher of the young and ignorant, he supposes no man knows what he knows; and because boys call him master, therefore he thinks himself a great man.

Q. What song is it that is sung without a tongue, and yet its notes are understood by people of all nations?

A. It is a fart every one knows the sound of.

Q. What is the reason that young people are vain, giddy-headed and airy, and not so obedient as the children of former years?

A. Because they are brought up and educated after a more haughty strain, by reading fables, plays, novels, and romances; gospel books, such as the Psalm-book, Proverbs, and Catechisms, are like old almanacks; there is nothing in vogue but fiddle, flute, Troy and Babylonish tunes; our plain English speech is corrupted with beauish cants, such as dont, wont, nen, and ken; a jargon worse than the Yorkshire dialect or the Hottentot gibberish.

Q. Why is swearing become so common among Scotch people?

A. Because so many lofty teachers came from the south amongst us, where swearing is practised in its true grammatical perfection! Hot oaths, new struck, hath as bright a lustre as a new quarter guinea just come from the mint.

Q. How will you know the bones of a mason’s mare at the back of a dyke, amongst the bones of a hundred dead horses lying in the same place?

A. Because it is made of wood.

Q. What are the two things not to be spared, but not to be abused?

A. A soldier’s coat and a hired horse.

Q. How is a man in debt like a nobleman?

A. Because he has many to wait on and call for him.

Q. How is swearing like a shabby coat?

A. Because it is a bad habit.

Q. How is a bad pen like a wicked and profligate man?

A. Because it wants mending.

Q. Why is a church bell like a story that is handed about?

A. Because it is often toll’d.

Q. What is a man like that is in the midst of a river and cannot swim?

A. He is like to be drowned.

Q. Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgot?

A. Because it is out of one’s head.

Q. Why is a book like a tree?

A. Because it is full of leaves.

Q. Why is a good sermon like a plump pudding?

A. Because there is reasons in it.

Q. How is a whorish woman like a charitable person?

A. Because she brings her husband to a piece of bread.

Q. How is a lawyer like a contentious woman?

A. Because he breeds wrangling and jangling.

Q. Who is the greatest fool in the world?

A. A whore; for she hazards soul and body for a miserable livelihood.

Q. Who are the two greatest thieves in Great Britain?

A. Tea and Tobacco, for they pick the pockets of the whole nation.

Q. What is the difference between Ale-drapers and Linen-drapers?

A. Only this, the one cheats you with froth and the other with cloth.

Q. If Extortioners cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven, where will Usurers, Tallymen, and Pawn-brokers go?

A. The same road with Extortioners.

Q. What is the consequence of immoderate gaming?

A. By cards and dice, a man is ruin’d in a trice, for gaming and whoring often hang together.

Q. What employments are likest to one another?

A. Soldiers and Butchers are bloody near relations, for they both live by slaughtering and killing.

Q. What are the two hardest things to be found, and yet they are both good in their kind?

A. Good women, and good small beer.

Q. Who is the likest to a Boatman?

A. An hypocrite, who always looks one way and rows another, in all his transactions.

Q. What are the five greatest rarities to be found in the world?

A. A black Swan, a Phœnix, an Unicorn, the Philosophers’ Stone, and a maiden at sixteen.

Q. What is the greatest folly that sensible people can be guilty of?

A. To go to law about trifles, for whatever way the plea end, the lawyers will be the greatest gainers.

Q. Who has the honestest trade in the world?

A. Ballad-singers; for they always deal with ready-money: and it is as ancient as the Siege of Troy, for Homer was a ballad-singer.

Q. What is the surest method for one to become both rich and respectable?

A. To be sober and industrious.

Q. What is the best method of overcoming the argument of a positive person?

A. Either to say with him, or give him no answer.

Q. What is the wisest course to be followed by a man who has a brawling and scolding wife?

A. To keep silent, and then she’ll bite her own fingers with anger.

Q. What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends?

A. A Ditch.

Q. What is that which was born without a soul, lived and had a soul, yet died without a soul.

A. The whale that swallowed Jona.

Q. What is the longest and the shortest thing in the world? the swiftest and the slowest? the most indivisible and the most extended? the least valued and the most regretted? without which nothing can be done? which devours all that is small, yet gives life and spirit to all that is great?

A. Time.

Q. What creatures are those which appear closely connected, yet upon examination are found to be three distinct bodies, with eight legs, five on one side, and three on the other; three mouths, two straight forwards, and the third on one side; six eyes, four on one side, two on the other; six ears, four on one side, and two on the other?

A. A Man and Woman on horseback.

Q. Why is a churchyard like an inn?

A. Because it receives weary travellers.

Q. Why is a carrotty lady like a troop of soldiers.

A. Because she bears fire-locks.

Q. What did Adam first set in the garden of Eden?

A. His foot.

Q. How is it that a clergyman’s horse is like a King?

A. Because he is guided by a minister.

Q. What is the difference between a boiled sheep’s, head and a sheep’s head boiled?

A. In the first the sheep is boiled and in the last the head is boiled.

Q. What kind of snuff is that, the more that is taken the fuller the box is?

A. It is the snuff off the candle.

Q. What relation is that child to its own father who is not its father’s own son?

A. Surely his daughter.

Q. What is that which is often brought to table, always cut, but never eaten?

A. A pack of cards.

Q. Where was Peter when his candle went out?

A. He was in the dark.

Q. What relation is your uncle’s brother to you who is not your uncle?

A. He must be your father.

Q. What difference is there between twice five and twenty and twice twenty five?

A. The former is 30, the later is 50.

Q. Why is a brewer’s horse like a tap-ster?

A. Because they draw drafts of drink.

END OF THE CARICHES.

THE

STRANGE ADVENTURES

OF

TAM MERRILEES

A True Story.

Some years ago there dwelt in the “south side” of the gude town of Edinburgh a wight of the name of Tam Merrilees, who, saving that he occasionally took rather more of “strong waters” than he could walk steadily under, generally got the name of an honest, industrious, hard-working man. It happened one evening that Tam, in going home, met with an old crony of his, who vehemently pressed him to adjourn to a favourite haunt of their’s to wit a well frequented taproom in the neighbourhood. As Tam had an unfortunate weakness of never being able to withstand the pressing solicitations of a friend “to tak a gill wi him,” he was in the present instance constrained to accept Jock Thomson’s invitation, more especially as Jock declared that “he would stand the damage himsel”. Whether they exceeded the original stipulation of “just one gill” or Tam had been previously refreshing himself I cannot say, certain it was, that when the friends parted, Tam found it extremely difficult to walk in a straight line.

It was considerable past the witching hour of night that Tam Merrilees proceeded towards his house, rather a little in dread of a curtain lecture. The night was dark; and the wind blowing hard in his teeth, added to his unsteadiness, caused him several times to reel against the sides of the houses, as he passed the Chapel of Ease. One of these unlucky staggers brought his shoulder to bear full against the door which led into the kirk-yard. To Tam’s great astonishment it flew open; and having lost his equilibrium, he made a sort of semicircular movement, and found himself standing in the midst of tombs and headstones. “Hech,” said he, “the door open at this hour o’ the night! that’s extraordinar’--its incomprehensible. What in a’ the warld’s that?” continued he, perceiving something at his feet. Upon stooping down he discovered that the object of which had arrested his attention was a wheelbarrow, having upon it a dead body, thurst neck and heels into a sack. Tam lifted up his hands in amazement, and stepping forward perceived at the other end of the ground some men engaged in filling up the grave from which the corps had been taken. “Resurrectioners, as I’m a living man!” he exclamed. “Wha wad hae thought it?--but I’ll gi’e the devils such a fright as they never got the like o’t.” The whiskey had undoubtedly raised his courage to the highest pitch; for, untying the sack, he drew the body from it and carrying it on his back to the opposite side of the church-yard, he reared it upright against the wall. He then returned to the barrow, and having placed the sack upon it, he crept in and disposed himself in the same manner as he found the body.

He had scarcely laid down when the men approached.--They spoke a few words sufficient for him to discover that one of the party was the sexton himself. The barrow was wheeled off, and he heard the gate locked immediately. As the wheelbarrow rattled over the rough causeway, Tam’s stomach began to feel rather queer--he nevertheless resolved to lie quiet until they should stop. After a short time, however, he became aware that, if his jolting was not put an end to, his stomach would be speedily emptied of the contents.--In short, he found it almost impossible any longer to refrain from vomiting. He had therefore no alternative but to raise himself up in the vehicle; and accordingly, he suddenly started up, and stretching out his arms with great violence soon disencumbered the upper part of his body from the sack in which he had been inveloped. The consternation of the body-lifters may be imagined. The one who was wheeling the barrow suddenly let go his hold, by which means it upset, and both taking to their heels, they ran as if the evil one himself had been in chase of them. By the upsetting of the barrow, Tam Merrilees was rolled upon the ground: however, having managed to get entirely free from the sack; and regain his legs, he found himself at the end of the Cross causeway, near St. Leonard’s. He scratched his head, and taking a snuff, began to consider how he was to dispose of the barrow. “It is no sic a bad wheelbarrow,” said he; “I’ll just tak it hame wi’ me;” so throwing into it the sack, he made the best of his way home, feeling a good deal soberer for his adventure.--On his arrival at home he deposited the barrow in a small yard at the back of the house; and without facing his expectant spouse, he proceeded straightway to the dwelling of Maister Peter Mitchell, an old acquaintance, and moreover an elder of the kirk. On his road thither he indulged in no very gentle denunciations against the sexton. “A fine fellow to trust folks’ bodies wi’! I’se warrant all the corpses that’s been buried thonder for the last twalvemonth hae gaen the same gate as that yin wad if I had na’ prevented it. It’s an awfu’ thing that folk canna get leave to rest in their graves now-a-daye for thae doctors.” Tam’s reflections were interrupted by his arrival at the elder’s house; the inmates were all gone to bed, with the exception of the elder himself, who was doubtless rather surprised at so late, or rather early, a visit from his friend Tam Merrilees. (It was, now between one and two of the morning.) ‘Mr. Merrilees!’ exclaimed he, ‘what was brought you here at this time of the night? Nothing serious, I hope.’ ‘Serious enough,’ muttered Tam. ‘I’m just come, Maister Mitchell, ye see, about an unco queer kind o’ a circumstance.’ Aye, Mr. Merrilees, what is it? Sit down and lets hear it.’ ‘I’ll just speer at ye a sma’ question first,’ answered Tam.--‘What kind o’ a body is that grave-digger o’ yours?’ ‘Is it Willie Scrymgeour ye mean?’ asked the elder. ‘Aye, man, its just him; dy’e think he’s an honest man?’ ‘An honest man!’ echoed Mr. Mitchell ‘what should make you ask that; he’s no been stealing surely.’ ‘I’m no saying that,’ responded Tam, ‘but div ye think he wad lift a corpse or any thing o’ that kind?’ ‘Surely not, Mr. Merrilees,’ said the anxious elder, drawing his chair closer? ‘you do not mean body-lifting--the man that’s trusted with the keys of the burial-ground!’ ‘I’m no saying, Mr. Mitchell, that he lifts bodies. I’ll no say that the noo; but I’ll tell ye what, he disna mak them bide in their graves. What will ye wager, Mr. Mitchell, that there’s no a dead woman standing up against the wa’, in the kirk-yard?’ ‘The man’s daft!’ uttered the astonished Mr. Mitchell. ‘Gang awa’ hame to your wife, Tam Merrilees, and sleep yourself sober.’--‘Sober,’ said Tam, very dryly, ‘did ye say sober? Hum! that’ll be just as muckle as saying that I’m fou’; may be I am, may be no, but if you think sae, Mr. Mitchell, that’ll no hinder ye fra taking a bet upon it.’ After a lengthened parley, in which Tam strenuously supported his assertion, Maister Mitchell, in order to get rid of his visitor’s company, was fain to accept a bet of a dozen of ‘strong ale’ that no such thing existed, save in Tam’s imagination; and it was agreed that the two should call at the sexton’s house at seven o’ clock, and procure the keys, after which they were to proceed to the scene of dispute. Who can imagine the amazement of the horror-struck elder, at perceiving the corps of a woman standing upright against the wall, in the very identical spot that Tam had described? It was some time ere he could sufficiently compose himself to interrogate Tam upon so mysterious an affair. On his explaining the whole circumstance, the elder’s risibility was not a little raised at Tam’s description of the jolting he had suffered, while his indignation was as much roused against the dishonest Willie Scrymgeour. ‘Well. Mr. Merrilees,’ said he, ‘you have been soberer last night than I thought you were; and as for that worthless grave digger, he has had these keys too long already; but he has now seen the last of them.’ The elder was as good as his word; the sexton was dismissed, and his place filled by a more trust-worthy individual, while the dozen of ‘strong ale’ was drank with much glee.

FINIS.

GRINNING

MADE EASY;

OR,

FUNNY DICK’S

UNRIVALLED COLLECTION

OF

JESTS, JOKES, BULLS, EPIGRAMS &c

With many other descriptions of

WIT & HUMOUR.

GLASGOW:
PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.

GRINNING MADE EASY.

Mr. Serjeant Gardner, being lame of one leg, and pleading before the late Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the judge told him, he was afraid he had but a lame cause of it. Oh! my lord, said the serjeant have but a little patience, and I’ll warrant I prove every thing as plain as the nose on your face!

Hume the historian, passing one day by the back of Edinburgh Castle, where the ground is very swampy, and the foot path narrow, inadvertently tumbled into the bog, where he stuck, not being able to extricate himself. A washer-woman happening to pass at the time, looked at him, and was travelling on, when he shouted after her to lend him her assistance. Na, na, (replied the woman) you are Hume the Deist. Well, well, no matter, replied he--you know, good woman, your Christian charity commands you to do good even to your enemies. Na, I winna, said she, unless you will first repeat the Creed and the Lord’s Prayer. Having no alternative, he was forced to accede to the pious woman’s terms.

Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English army, by Robert the Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number. A sensible country man pointed out the positions of both armies, the stone where the Bruce’s standard was fixed during the battle, &c.--Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentlemen, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown-piece,--Na, na, said the honest man, returning the money, keep your crown-piece--the English have paid dear enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn.

Judge Toler, afterwards Lord Norbury, whose severity was at one time proverbial, was at a public dinner with Curran the celebrated Irish lawyer. Toler observing Curran carving a piece of corned beef, told him, if it was hung beef he would try it. If you try it, my Lord, replied Curran, I am sure it will be hung.

A gentleman coming into a coffee-room one stormy night, said. He never saw such a wind in his life. Saw a wind, says a friend, I never heard of such a thing as seeing a wind; pray, what was it like? Like answered the Gentleman, like to have blown my hat off.

A young lady going into a barrack-room at Fort George, saw an officer toasting a slice of bread on the point of his sword. On which she exclaimed, I think, Sir, you have got the staff of life on the point of death.

One day, Socrates, having for a long time endured his wife’s brawling, went out of his house, and sat down before the door, to rid himself of her impertinence. The woman, enraged to find all her scolding unable to disturb his tranquility, flung the contents of a chamber-pot on his head. Those that happened to see it, laughed heartily at poor Socrates; but this philosopher observed, smiling, “I thought, indeed, after so much thunder we should have rain.”

A clergyman chose for his text the following words: “Which of you will go up with me to Ramoth-Gilead?” Then pausing, he again and again repeated the words, when a gallant tar started from his seat, and looking round him with an eye full of indignation, he exclaimed, Will none of you go up with the worthy gentleman; Then, d--n me, I will go myself.

An old beggar, pretending to be dumb, was thrown off his guard by the question, How many years have you been dumb; and answered, Five years last June, please your honour.

A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding by, one of them called to him with an insolent air, Well honest fellow, ’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. To which the country man replied, ’Tis very likely you may, for I am sowing hemp.

One told another, who did not use to be very well clothed, that his new coat was too short for him: That’s true, answered he but it will be long enough before I get another.

A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock, in a new coat. The parson asked, in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? The same people, (said the shepherd) that clothe you--the parish. The parson nettled a little, rode on murmuring a considerable way, and sent his man back to ask the shepherd, if he would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered his master’s message, concluding that his master really wanted a fool. Are you going away then? said the shepherd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your master, replied the shepherd, that his living won’t maintain THREE of us.

An arch prisoner, who had an unfavourable countenance, being brought to the bar to be tried for horse-stealing, the judge immediately cried, Oh, here is a noted villain, I am sure! Why, Sir I can see the rogue in your face. Ah, my Lord, says the fellow, I wonder at that: I did not know my face was a looking-glass till now.

Mr Hare, formerly the envoy of Holland, had apartments in the same house with Mr Fox, and, like his friend Charles, had frequent dealings with the monied Israelites. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed several of the tribe assembled at the door for admittance. Pray, gentlemen, says he, are you Fox hunting, or Hare hunting this morning?

An Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded at Waterloo. As he lay on the ground, an unfortunate soldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, D--n your eyes, what do you make such a noise for? Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?

When Mr. Horne Tooke was called before the commissioners to give an account of the particulars of his income; having answered a question which was asked, one of the wise men said, peevishly, that he did not understand his answer--Then, said Tooke, as you have not half the understanding of another man, you ought at least to have double the patience.

When the Scotch Court of Justiciary passed sentence of fourteen years banishment on Mr Muir, some persons in the gallery began to hiss. The Lord Justice Clerk turned round in a great fury, and ordered the macer, who stood behind his chair, to take the persons that were hissing into custody. The macer, with great coolness, answered, My Lord, they are all hissing.

Sir Boyle Roach, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, made a speech in favour of it, which he concluded by saying, that it would change the barren hills into fruitful vallies.

A man walking along after a woman, whose elegant shape excited his admiration, was not a little disappointed when he got up with her and saw her ordinary face--If, Madam, said he, you were as handsome before as you are behind, I would kiss you. You may, replied the lady, kiss where you think I am handsomest.

When Buchanan was tutor to James I. he found it necessary, one day, to give his most sacred Majesty a flogging. A lady of the court, being in the next room, and overhearing what passed, ran in, and catching the young king in her arms, asked Buchanan how he could lift his hand against the Lord’s anointed: to which he replied, with great coolness, Madam, I have whipped his arse, you may kiss it if you please.

Alphonso, King of Arragon, to whom a Jew wished to sell a picture of our Saviour for five hundred ducats, said, “You are much more unconscionable than your ancestors, who sold the original for thirty pieces.”

A man and his wife, as a proof of their fondness for each other, made a mutual vow, that, on either of their deaths, the survivor should remain in a state of celibacy. The husband having died, the widow kept her vow, religiously, for about a twelvemonth. At the end of this period, however, she began to repent of it, and being a Catholic, she applied to the priest, to know whether she could not be released from it. This having, as might be expected, been negatived, the good woman thought of appealing to a higher power, and accordingly she daily paid her devotions to an image of the Virgin, who she hoped would, by some sign, sanction her second marriage. On one of those occasions, when, as usual, she fervently asked the Virgin whether she might not lawfully marry a second time, a wag, who had concealed himself under the image, answered, No!--On which the devotee immediately replied. Hold your tongue, you bastard; I am speaking to your mother.