Chapter XXVII: Part II (2)

The Captain of one of the British frigates a man of undaunted bravery, had a natural antipathy to a cat. A sailor, who from misconduct had been ordered a flogging, saved his back by presenting to his Captain the following petition:

By your Honour’s command,
A culprit I stand--
An example to all the ship’s crew;
I am pinion’d and stript,
And condemn’d to be whipt;
And, if I am flogg’d ’tis my due
A cat, I am told,
In abhorrence you hold;
Your Honour’s aversion is mine!
If a cat with one tail
Makes your stout heart to fail,
O, save me from one that has NINE!

Two boys, belonging to the chaplains of two different men of war, entertaining each other with an account of their respective manners of living--How often, Jack, says the one, do you go to prayers? Why, answered Jack, we pray when we are afraid of a storm, or going to fight! Aye, quoth the other, there is some sense in that; but my master makes us go to prayers when there is no more occasion for it than for my jumping overboard.

A man having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgement of death should not pass against him? Say! replied he, why I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better--If you please, Sir, we’ll drop the subject.

Advertisement from a London Paper--Wanted for a wine-merchant’s house in the city, as a porter, an athletic man, of a serious countenance, a character, and of the Protestant religion; must attend prayers twice a day, and divine worship four times on Sunday; be able to bear confinement, have the fear of God before his eyes, and be master for two hundred weight. Wages fourteen shillings a week, and find himself.

A man seeing in the street an old woman who drove some asses, said, Adieu, mother of asses. Adieu, adieu, my son, answered she.

A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the Commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his thee- and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance, asked him--Pray, Sir, do you know for what we sit here? Yea, replied Nathan, I do--some of you for a thousand, and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year.

Comparisons of Drunkenness.--A man is said to be as drunk as an owl, when he cannot see--as drunk as a sow, when he wallows in the dirt--as drunk as a beggar, when he is very impudent--as drunk as the devil, when he is inclined to mischief, and--as drunk as a Lord, when he is every thing that is bad.

Walking Stewart having given an account of his being cast away on an unknown coast, thus expresses himself: ‘After walking a considerable way up the country, we saw, to our inexpressible satisfaction, a man hanging on a gibbet. This delight affored us by this cheering sight is inconceivable, for it convinced us that we were in a civilized country.’

When the Earl of Clancartie was Captain of a man of war, he lost his Chaplain. The First Lieutenant, a Scotchman, announced his death to his Lordship, adding, he was sorry to inform him that the chaplain died a Roman Catholic. Well, so much the better, said his Lordship. Oot awa my Lord, how can you say so of a Breetish Clergyman? Why, replied his Lordship, because I believe I am the first Captain that ever could boast of a Chaplain who had any religion at all.

An attorney being employed to draw the Testament of a rich man, was requested to word it in such a manner, that no room might be left for contestation among his heirs. That quoth the man of law, is imposible. Can I go beyond our Saviour whose Testament has been a perpetual source of contest for these eighteen hundred years?

The late learned Lord Kames, one day, after coming out of the Court of Edinburgh, went to make water at a place where the centinel on duty assumes a power of levying a fine for such transgression. My Lord said the soldier, you are fined. For what? For pissing at this place. How much? Threepence, my Lord. There is six-pence for you, then, Sir; and remember you owe me a piss.

Mr Ogilvy, a Scottish Clergyman, at Lunan, in Forfarshire, had a great deal of eccentricity in his character and manner.--One Sunday when he was in the middle of his sermon, an old woman, who kept an alehouse in the parish, fell asleep. Her neighbour jogged her, in order to awaken her. The Minister seeing this, said, I’ll waken her fast enough; and immediately giving a loud whistle, cried out ‘Janet! a bottle of ale and a dram!’ ‘Coming, Sir,’ said the old lady, starting out of her nap.

The Sexton of a parish-church in Shropshire insisted on a poor man, who had lost his leg by amputation, paying sixteen pence for burying it. The man appealed to the Rector, who said that he could not relieve him in the present case; but he would consider in his fees when the remainder of his body came to be buried.

Epitaph on a Physician.

Here Docter Fisher lies interr’d,
Who filled the half of this church-yard.

A certain bruising Parson having been examined as a witness in the Court of King’s Bench, the adverse Counsel attempted to browbeat him: I think you are the bruising Parson, said he. I am, said the divine; and if you doubt it, I’ll give it you under my hand.

A gentleman happening to be in the stable belonging to an inn in London, met a most active fellow officiating as hostler. The gentleman enquired where he came from? Yorkshire, was the reply. How long have you been here as ostler? Thirteen years. What! you a Yorkshireman, and so long a servant: why, I should have supposed you would have been master ere this time. Ay, Sir, but master is Yorkshire too.

Hugo Arnot, author of the History of Edinburgh, &c. was a perfect walking skeleton. One day he was eating a split dried haddock, or, as it is called in Scotland, a spelding, when Harry Erskine came in. You see, said Hugo, I am not starving. I must own, replied the other, that you are very like your meat.

An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, marching a little way behind his companion, called out to him, Hollo, Pat, I have catch’d a Tartar! Bring him along then! bring him along! Aye, but he won’t come. Why, then, come away without him. By Saint Patrick, but he won’t let me.

Lord Somers, when Chancellor, hired a small box near Twickenham common, in which parish Mr Johnson, secretary of state for Scotland, built a beautiful villa. The chancellor of England invited the secretary of Scotland to a convivial dinner; and Johnson, as the glass was circulating, told a long tale of a countryman of his own, and wound up his story by saying that the person was a d--d knave. The chancellor stared at him, and exclaimed, It is strange for you, Mr Johnson, to call a Scotchman a knave.--Take no heed to that, said the secretary, for you may depend on it, that we have more knaves in Scotland that ye have honest men in England.

A gentleman being asked his opinion of the singing of a lady who had not the purest breath, said, that the words of the song were delightful, but he did not much admire the air.

What objection can you have to me (said a wife of Bath to her husband) it is absolutely impossible for two people to be more of one mind--you want to be master, and so do I?

Macklin the player, once going to one of the fire offices to insure some property, was asked by the clerk how he would please to have his name entered? Entered, replied the veteran, why, I am only plain Charles Macklin, a vagabond, by act of Parliament; but, in compliment to the times, you may set me down Charles Macklin, Esq. as they are now synonymous terms.

A celebrated physician being sent for by a lady who imagined herself very ill, she slept too sound, and had a very uncommon flow of spirits. Make yourself perfectly easy Madam, said the doctor, follow my prescription, and you shall soon have none of these things to complain of.

Two friends, who had not seen each other a great while, meeting by chance, one asked the other how he did? He replied, that he was not very well, and was married since they had last met. That is good news indeed. Nay, not so very good neither, for I married a shrew. That is bad, too. Not so bad, neither, for I had two thousand pounds with her. That is well again. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in sheep, and they all died of the rot. That was hard, in truth. Not so hard neither, for I sold the skins for more than the sheep cost me. Aye that made you amends. Not so much amends neither, for I laid out my money in a house, and it was burned. That was a great loss, indeed. Not so great a loss, neither--for my wife was burned in it!

A religious English gentleman lately advertised for a coachman, and had a great number of applications. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they had agreed: But, said he, my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business in the stable is done, I shall expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour, to attend family prayers--to this I suppose you can have no objection? Why, as to that, Sir, (replied the fellow) I does not see much to say against it, but I hope you’ll consider it in my wages.

An English gentleman being taken ill of the yellow fever at Jamaica, a lady, whom he had married in that island, indirectly hinted to him, in the presence of an Irish physician, who attended him, the propriety of making his will, in a country where people are so apt to die. The physician, thinking his judgement called in question, tartly replied, Truly, Madam, I wish you would tell me that country where people do not die, and I will go and end my days there.

A man being asked by his neighbours, how his wife did? made this answer: Indeed, neighbour, the case is pitiful, my wife fears she shall die, and I fear she will not die, which makes a most disconsolate house.

A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler who had just died in the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens what was to be seen? Only a Cobler’s End, replied he.

Bayle says that a woman will inevitably divulge every secret with which she is intrusted, except one, and that is--her own age.

An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, being asked if he met with much hospitality in Holland? O yes, replied he, too much: I was in the hospital almost all the time I was there.

The Duchess of York being in want of a laundress, desired the housekeeper to look out for some person to fill that situation. A decent looking woman was accordingly recommended; but the housekeeper objected to her, and, in the Duke’s presence observed, that she was a soldier’s wife, and that these people were generally bad characters. What’s that you say, (replied the Duke) a soldier’s wife! pray what is your mistress?--Engage the woman this instant.

In a great storm at sea, when the ships crew were all at prayers, a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter; being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it, Why, said he, I was laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain’s red nose will make when it comes into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing, inspired them with new spirits, and by a great exertion they brought the vessel safe into port.

The following curious paragraph, in honour of the Dutch physicians, was lately inserted in one of the London Paper:--“The mortality in Groningen, Delft, and Rotterdam, was at first very great; but after the death of the three physicians, it is stated to have abated very considerably.”

Chateauneut, keeper of the seals of Louis XIII. when a boy of only nine years of age, was asked many questions by a bishop and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is?--My Lord, replied the boy, I will give you two oranges, if you will tell me where he is not!

During the great Frederick of Prussia’s last painful illness, that eminent physician Dr Zimmerman, of Hanover, attended him. One day, when he waited upon his Majesty, the King said to him, You, Sir, I suppose, have helped many a man into another world. Not so many, replied the doctor, as your Majesty, nor with so much honour to myself.

An apothecary in Durham has the following words written in his shop-window: “Dying stuffs sold here.”

A stranger, who had acquired the habit of standing long on one leg, came to Lacedemon to see the city. Exhibiting this trick to a Spartan, he told him, vauntingly, You could not preserve that posture so long. I know that, replied the Lacedemonian, but a goose can.

Mrs Siddons, in performing the character of Jane Shore, having arrived at the conclusion of that affecting tragedy, where she says, “Now I die! I die!” falls down, nature being supposed entirely exhausted.--A sailor, perched on the front of the shilling gallery, forgetting that the distress of the actress was feigned roared out to the pit, “Ho! why don’t some of you lubbers in that there hold hand the poor woman a can of grog, since she is so badly?”

Dr Franklin, when last in England, used pleasantly to repeat an observation of his negro-servant, when the Doctor was making the tour of Derbyshire, Lancashire, &c. “Every thing, Massa, work in this country; water work; wind work; fire work; smoke work; dog work; (he had noticed the last at Bath) man work; bullock work; horse work; ass work; every thing work here but the hog; he eat, he drink, he sleep, he do nothing all day, he walk about like a gentleman!”

One of the people called Quakers, equally remarkable for his gallantry to the fair sex, as for his urbanity of manners, was one day walking in the streets of Edinburgh with a handsome young lady who remarked to him, that the heat of the day was oppressive; on which the Quaker recommended her to throw off a petticoat. The lady replied, Between you and I, friend G----s, I have but one on. And between thee and me, replied broad-brim, even that is one too many!

A very young officer, striking an old grenadier of his company for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions, was unable to reach any higher than his legs. The grenadier, upon this infantine assault, gravely took off his cap, and holding it over the officer by the tip, said, Sir, if you were not my officer, I would extinguish you.

Francis I, having imposed a new tax it was reported to him, as a treasonable offence, that the people murmured so much as not even to spare his sacred person. Poh! answered Francis, why should they not have amusement for their money?

A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors’ ears, Farewell, said one there is so much of mine gone with him. And he carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that tho’ a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men’s.

A young fellow in the country, after having an affair with a girl in the neighbourhood, said, What shall I do, Bess, if you prove with child? Oh! very well, said she for I am to be married to-morrow.

A Bachelor friend of ours had a fine tortoise, which was allowed to creep about the kitchen. Some time ago he hired a raw country girl, who never had seen nor had of a tortoise in her life. One day he says to her, ‘Marget, what’s become of the tortoise?--I have not seen it for some days.’ But Marget ‘didna ken ought about it.’ ‘You had letter light a candle, and see if it has not got into the coal-hole: poor thing! it will be starving for want of meat.’ A candle was accordingly lighted, and looking over her shoulder, he observed it, as he had expected, snug among the coals. ‘Ah, there it is, poor creature!’ said he: ‘take it out, and place it near the fire.’ ‘Is that what ye ca’ the tortoise?” quoth Marget in astonishment: ‘Od, Sir, I’ve been breaking the coals wi’t this fortnight past!’

A few days ago a hawker, while cheapning his haberdashery wares, was bawling out, ‘Here’s the real good napkins: they’ll neither tear, wear, ruffle, nor rive; throw in the washing, or go back in the pressing. All the water between the rocks of Gibraltar and the Cape of Good Hope will not alter the colour of them. They were woven seven miles below ground by the light of diamonds; and the people never saw day light but once in the seven years. They were not woven by a brosy clumsy apprentice boy, but by a right and tight good tradesman, who got two eggs, and a cup tea, and a glass of whisky to his breakfast; and every thread is as long and strong as would hang a bull, or draw a man-of-war ship into harbour.’

A man in the last stage of destitution, came before the sitting Magistrate, at Lambeth Street, and stated that having by the operation of the new Poor Laws, been suddenly deprived of parish assistance, he was reduced to such extremity, that if not instantly relieved he must be driven to do a deed that his soul abhorred. The worthy Magistrate instantly ordered him five shillings from the poor-box, and after a suitable admonition against giving way to despair, asked him what dreadful deed he would have been impelled to do, but for this seasonable relief; ‘To work,’ said the man, with a deep sigh, as he left the office.

One day, at the table of the late Dr. Pearse, (Dean of Ely,) just as the cloth was removing, the subject of discourse happened to be that of an extraordinary mortality amongst the lawyers. ‘We have lost,’ said a gentleman, ‘not less than six eminent barristers in as many months.’--The Dean, who was quite deaf, rose as his friend finished his remark, and gave the company grace--‘For this, and every other mercy, the Lord’s name be praised!’

In Salem, Massachusets, after the heavy and deep snow fall, a man was discovered sticking sticks into a huge ‘winter bank of snow.’ On being asked why he amused himself thus? ‘Amuse!’ said he, with a voice which betrayed the deepest anxiety of mind, ‘fine amusement! I have lost my shop--it used to stand somewhere near this spot.’

During the last Assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:--Did you see the defendant throw the stone?--I saw a stone, and I’ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it.--Was it a large stone?--I should say it war a largeish stone.--What was its size?--I should say sizeable stone.--Can’t you answer definitely how big it was?--I should say it wur a stone of some bigness.--Can’t you give the jury some idea of the stone?--Why, as near as I recollect, it wur something of a stone.--Can’t you compare it to some other object?--Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump of chalk.

FINIS.

THE

SCOTCH HAGGIS;

A SELECTION OF

CHOICE BON MOTS,

IRISH BLUNDERS, REPARTEES, ANECDOTES, &c.

Care to our coffin adds a nail no doubt,
While every laugh so merry draws one out.

GLASGOW:
PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.

ANECDOTES.

ENGLISHMAN AND HIGHLANDMAN.

An English vessel passing up the Clyde fell in with a Highland Sloop coming down which the captain of the former hailed with the usual salutation of “Sloop ahoy!” when the following conversation took place:--

CAPTAIN. What’s your cargo?

HIGHLANDER. Penlomon.

CAP. Where are you bound for?

HIGH. Potatoes.

CAP. What’s your Captain’s name?

HIGH. Proomala.

CAP. Where do you come from?

HIGH. Yes; it’s a fine poat.

CAP. Will you take us on board?

HIGH. Yesterday.

DUKE OF BUCCLEUGH.

Henry, Duke of Buccleugh, was greatly beloved by his numerous tenantry. One of them yclept Jamie Howie, had a son about four ears of age, who having heard much of a great Duke of Buccleugh, was very anxious to see him. Honest Jamie, in a few days, being honoured with a visit from the Duke, doffed his bonnet, made a profound, reverential bow, and said, “O, my lord, ye maunna be angry wi’ me, but it’s a Heeven’s truth, my lord, there’s a daft wee callant o’ mine that canna rest nor let ithers rest nicht nor day, he has ta’en in his head sic a notion o’ seein’ what like you are, gude sake, my lord; I dinna think he has ony yedeea ye are a man at a’, but some far-awa, outlandish, ower-the-sea creature.” The Duke, mightily tickled with this fancy, desired Jamie to bring the youngster into his presence forthwith. Out comes the juvenile inquisiter with his finger in his mouth, and cautiously reconnoitres the personage before him. At last quoth the urchin, “Can ye soom?” “No, my little fellow,” replied his Grace, “I canna soom.” “Can ye flee?” “No, I canna flee.” “Well, man, for as muckle’s ye’re, I wadna gi’e ane o’ ma fayther’s dukes for ye; for they can baith soom an’ flee!”

PARAGRAPH ON PARRITCH.

Once upon a time, a worthy tradesman who had his “wonn” in a certain populous city “i’ the wast,” was in the habbit of nightly indulging a predilection for a comfortable lounge in an auction-room, where he managed to procure a fund of ease and amusement sufficient to dissipate the effects of the dry details of the day. On one occasion, while paying a tribute of more than ordinary attention to a string of elaborate eulogia on the merits of some article of sale, delivered by the eloquent lips of him of the hammer, his ears were suddenly assailed by the well known voice of his son, a boy of five years of age, who had been charged with a message of special importance from the guidwife, to the frequenter of the nocturnal howff. “Fayther!” vociferated the unceremonious rascal, “yer parritch is ready!” Honest Thomas looked certain “unutterable things,” as the eyes of a hundred individuals were simultaneously directed first to the quarter whence the salute proceeded, and then to the subject of the address. He cleared the mob in one step--bolted from the threshold in another, and finished a third with a smart application of a weighty tacketted shoe to the astonished retreater’s seat of honour, while he grinned out, “Ye deevil’s Jawcobeet! the next time ye come wi’ sic an eerand, say a Gentleman’s waitin on me.” An opportunity soon occurred for a display of the urchin’s new-acquired politesse;--two evenings afterwards he was observed popping in his antiquated phiz, and magnanimously bawling the intelligence regarding the gentleman in waiting. He was answered with a complaisant “Vera weel,” and a promise of immediate attendance. A new turn in the business of the lounge, banished the circumstance from the father’s recollection--the boy returned in breathless haste to repeat the requisition, which he did in a clearer, louder, and more anxious tone than ever--true, withal, to the late hint on etiquette--Fayther! If ye dinna come quick, the Gentleman’ll be quite cauld!

A GOOD WIFE

Should be like three things; which three things she should not be like.

FIRST.--She should be like a snail, always keep within her house:--but she should not be like a snail, to carry all she has upon her back.

SECONDLY.--She should be like an echo, speak when she is spoken to:--but she should not be like an echo, always to have the last word.

THIRDLY.--She should be like a town-clock, always keep time and regularity:--but she should not be like a town-clock, to speak so loud that all the town may hear her.

A WEATHER-MASTER.

An Irish pastor, when applied to by one of his flock for a shower of rain, said he should be happy to oblige him, but he had several previous applications for dry weather; and as it would be impossible for him to disoblige any of his congregation, he was under the necessity of declining to interfere.

EPITAPH ON GABRIEL JOHN.

Here lies the body of Gabriel John
Who died in the year 1001.
Pray for the soul of Gabriel John;
You may, if you please,
Or let it alone;
For it’s all one
To Gabriel John,
Who died in the year 1001.

A POWERFUL PREACHER.

“Ah, Sir!” exclaimed the elder in the tone of pathetic recollection,--“our late minister was the man! He was a poorfu’ preacher; for i’ the short time he delivered the word amang us, he knock’d three pupits to pieces, and dang the guts out o’ five Bibles.”

EPITAPH.

I, Sir John Trollop,
Made these stones roll up;
When God shall take my soul up,
My body shall fill this hole up.

ENTRIES OF THE NAMES OF CUSTOMERS.

The following entries of the names of customers were found in the books of a grocer, in a neighbouring city, on his insolvency:--“Woman on the Key. Jew Woman. Coal Woman. Old Coal Woman. Fat Coal Woman. Market Woman. Pale Woman. A Man. Old Woman. Little Milk Girl. Candle Man. Stable Man. Coachman. Big Woman. Lame Woman. Quiet Woman. (!!!) Egg Man. Little Black Girl. Old Watchman. Shoemaker. Little Shoemaker. Short Shoemaker. Old Shoemaker. Little Girl. Jew Man. Mrs in the Cart. Old Irishwoman. Woman in Corn-street. A Lad. Man in the Country. Long Sal. Woman with Long Sal. Mrs Irishwoman. Mrs Featherbonnet. Blue Bonnet. Green bonnet. Green Coat. Blue Breeches. Big Breeches. The Woman that was married. The Woman that told me of the man.”

THE MINISTER AND HIS THREE SONS.

Jolly dame who kept the principal carvansary at Greenlaw, in Berwickshire, had the honour to receive under her roof a very worthy clergyman, with three sons of the same profession, each having a cure of souls; be it said, in passing, none of the reverend laity were reckoned powerful in the pulpit. After dinner, the worthy senior, in the pride of his heart, asked Mrs Buchan whether she ever had such a party in her house before. “Here sit I,” said he, “a placed minister of the kirk of Scotland, and here sit my three sons, each a placed minister of the same kirk.--Confess, Luckie Buchan, you never had such a party in your house before.” The question was not premised by any invitation to sit down and take a glass of wine or the like, so Mrs B. answered dryly, “Indeed sir, I cannot just say that ever I had such a party in my house before, except once in the forty-five, when I had a Highland piper here, with his three sons, all Highland pipers; and de’il a spring they could play amang them.”

MATRIMONY.

One of the towns’ officers of Ayr, was struck severly by accident on the head by his wife.--After the fray was adjusted, the wife said to her husband, H----, had I killed you, and I been hanged for it, would you marry Kate M’Lauchlan.

ARABIAN PROVERB.

Let him that would be safe avoid seven things:--wasps, spiders, hyænas, crocodiles, effs, adders, and fine women!

THE WICKEDEST MAN.

A clergyman, who wished to know whether the children of the parishioners understood their bibles, asked a lad that he one day found reading the Old Testament, who was the wickedest man? Moses, to be sure, said the boy.--Moses, exclaimed the parson, how can that be? Why, said the lad, because he broke all the commandments at once!

NOT LOST BUT DROWNED.

A Leith merchant being on his usual ride to the south, came to the ford of a dark river, at the side of which a boy was diverting himself. The traveller addressed him as follows;--“Is this water deep?” “Ay, gaen deep,” answered the boy. “Is there ever any person lost here?” “No,” replied the boy, “there was never any lost; there has been some drowned, but we aye get them again.”

THE RED NOSE.

A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy who was in waiting, observed a musquitto hovering round his face. Quasi eyed the insect very attentively, at last he saw him alight on his master’s nose, and immediately fly off. ‘Ah! d----n your heart,’ exclaimed the negro, ‘me d----n glad see you burn your foot.’

THE DEVIL DEFINED.

The Reverend Mr Shirra, burger minister in Kirkcaldy, once gave the following curious defination of the Devil:--“The Devil, my brethern, is ill ony way ye’ll tak him. Tak the D from his name, he’s evil; tak the E from his name, he’s vil; tak the V from his name he’s il.” Then, shrugging up his shoulders, and lengthening his sanctified snout, he said, with peculiar emphasis, “he’s naething but an il, vil, evil, Devil, ony way ye’ll tak him!”

MARK ME WELL.

A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately overtook a boy going with a pot of tar to mark his master’s sheep, asked the road to Banff, but was directed by so many turnings, right and left, that he agreed to take the boy behind him on the horse, as he was going near to the same place. Finding the boy pert and docile, he gave him some wholesome advice relative to his future conduct, adding occasionally, “Mark me well, my boy.”--“Yes, Sir, I do.” He repeated the injunction so often, that the boy at last cried out, “Sir, I have no more tar!”

SCOTTISH ATMOSPHERE.

An English Gentleman on a tour through Scotland, was unfortunately accompanied by wet weather most of the time. When he set out from Glasgow to Greenock, the morning was very fine; however, before he had proceeded half way, he was overtaken by a heavy shower. “Boy,” (says he to a little fellow herding near the road side) “does it always rain in this country!” “Na,” replied the boy, “it sometimes snaws.”

LIBERTY OF THE PRESS.

A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the News-papers to his family, and when expressing the title, Liberty of the Press in France, one of his daughters interrupted him, by asking what the Liberty of the Press meaned? “I’ll soon answer that question,” said he; “you know when your mother goes but, and leaves the key in the cupboard door, where the bread, butter, and sugar lies, then you have access:--That’s the Liberty o’ the Press.”

RESTLESS HAGGIS.

Daft Will Callender, lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow: Babie kept lodging house for Sailors. On Saturday night Babie was making a Haggis, for Sunday’s dinner, when one of her lodgers put four ounce of quicksilver into the Haggis, unknown to Babie. On Sunday, Will was left at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot began to boil, the Haggis would be out of the pot; Will faithful to his charges held the lid on the pot until his patience was exhausted--at last Will ran off to the church for Babie; she sat on one of the back pews; Will beckoned to her two or three times, Babie as often nodded and winked to Will to be quiet; at last he bawled out, “Babie come hame, for I believe the deil’s got into the Haggis, it’ll no bide in the pat, it’s out dancing on the floor, and if I had not locked the door, I think it would have been at the kirk as soon’s mysel.”

THE KELLOCHSYDE GRACE.

The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the farmer of Kellochsyde or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:--O Lord, we’r ay gangan, and we’r ay gettan. We soud ay be cuman to thee, but we’r ay forgettan. We leive in the gude mailen o’ Kellochsyde, suppan thy gude peisie kale, puir sinfou sons of ---- that we are. Monie mercies we receive, gude trowth: and we’r little thankfou for them, gude feth. Janet, rax by the spunes; and aw praise and glory sall be thine. Amen.

PATRIMONY AND MATRIMONY.

At an examination of a school in Edinburgh, a gentleman asked one of the scholars by what name they called property that descended from a father? “Patrimony,” answered the scholar: and what do you call it, when descended from a mother? “Matrimony,” was the reply.

THE LIGHT GUINEA.

An Irishman one day walking on the streets of Glasgow, found a light guinea, and got 18s for it: next day he was walking and sees another, Allelieu dear honey, says he, I’ll have nothing to do with you, for I lost 3s by your brother yesterday.

ELDER’S HOURS.

A cunning carle, invested with the semi-sacred office of “Ruling Elder,” or practically seemingly identified with that office, in order to gratify an inclination, scratched, wi’ the neb o’ a fork, the figure 10, on the one side of his outer door, and the figure 11, on the other. By which plan he was able to say wi’ “a good conscience,” at a’ times and on a’ occasions, that he came ay hame atween ten and eleven.

THE THISTLE.

A few Scotch and English travellers being met together, an Englishman took it upon him to run down the Thistle, exclaimed against the empty boast of its motto; “Nemo me impune lacesset;” when a Scotchman present observed, “The Thistle, sir, is the pride of the Scottish nation, but it is nothing in the mouth of an Ass.”

SAGE INSTRUCTIONS.

A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper parts of Perthshire, whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to retire out of the house. Janet says to him.--“Oh! you be gang awa’, Duncan, gang awa’!” The man however kept loitering about the door, seemingly impressed with something of great importance. At last he cries to his wife, “You speak a me, Shanet! you speak a me!” The wife asks, “What you say, Duncan?”--“Gie the cummer (the midwife) a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!”--“What for Duncan?” “Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet an’ tell him to mak her a laddie.”

DEATH OF A WATCH.

After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was observed extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English officer who had been killed. His comrade viewed him with a greedy eye; which the man taking notice of said to him “Tamn you gapin’ creedy bitch, gang an’ shoot a shentleman for hersel’, an’ no envie me o’ my pit watch.” Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting his comrade, says to him, “Och! she no be care muckle about a watch, an’ you be like mine what will you gie me for her?” The other replied, “I be venture a kinny.”--“Weel then,” said the other, “Shust tak her, an’ welcome, for she be die yester night.”

LUMP OF OLD WOOD.

An aged man, named Thomas Wood, sitting on a high three footed stool in the gallery of the Old Church of Falkirk, during divine service, happened to fall asleep, tumbled on the floor with a great noise. The preacher stopped, and demanded the reason of the noise. “Nothing, Sir,” cries a wag, “But a lump of Old Wood fallen down.”

SCOTCH PARROT.

A Parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, basking itself in the sun, was observed by a rapacious Hawk which happened to be passing over it, and suddenly dived down and seized poor Poll by the back, away the Hawk flew with his prey; when passing over the garden, Polly observed his old friend the Gardener, and exclaimed, I’m ridin’ noo, John Laurie: Hawky alarmed at hearing a voice so near, darted into a tree for safety, when, after recovering a little, commenced to devour poor Poll, when it roared out with all its might, “will you bite you b----.” The Hawk terrified out of its wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed homewards at pleasure.

LONG CREDIT.

Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming through the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm-house of Swanston, near the Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home but an old woman. They immediately proceeded to search the house, and soon finding a web of coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as much as they thought would make a coat to each. The woman was exceedingly incenced at their rapacity, roared and cried, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads. “Ye villians!” she cried, “ye’ll ha’e to account for this yet!”--“And when will we pe account for’t?” asked one of the Highlanders.--“At the last day, ye blackguards!” exclaimed the woman. “Ta last tay!” replied the Highlander: “Tat pe cood long credit--we’ll even pe tak a waistcoat too!” at the same time cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.

A BRUSH FOR THE BARBER.

A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber’s shop in Glasgow, a few days since to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and after having shaved him, asked the price of it; “Twopence,” said the highlander; “No, no,” said the barber, “I’ll give you a penny, if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again.” The Highlander took it, and asked what he had got to pay? “A penny,” said Strap. “I’ll gi’e ye a baubee,” said Duncan, “an if that dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard again.”

HOW TO FIND WORK.

A Slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his house in the country, took along with him a Prentice: when they set to work, and continued to work for some days, the gentleman having no conception the job was to be of such duration, came out one morning, and found the apprentice at work alone, when he expressed himself as surprised at the continuation of them working so long, and enquired what had become of his master: to which the boy replied, “that he’s awa to Glasgow to look for a Job, and if he got ane, this ane would be done the morn, and if he didna get ane, he didna ken when it would be done.”

DONALD AND THE LAIRD.

A Scottish Laird and his man, Donald, travelling southward: at the first English inn, the room in where they were to sleep, containing a bed for the master and a truckle for the man, which drew forth from beneath the larger couch. Such furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook the four posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted the tester, while the man occupied the comfortable lodging below. Finding himself wretchedly cold in the night, the Laird called to Donald to know how he was accommodated. “Ne’er sae weel a’ my life,” quoth the gilly. Ha, man, exclaimed the Laird, “If it was na for the honour of the thing, I could find in my heart to come down.”

GRAVE-DIGGER OF SORN.

The Grave-Digger of Sorn, Ayrshire, was as selfish and as mean a sinner as ever handled mattock, or carried mortcloth. He was a very quarrelous and discontented old man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind thro’ a key hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, an acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him one day, and asked how the world was moving with him, “Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly indeed,” was the answer, “the yard has done naething ava for us this Summer, if ye like to believe me, I havna buriet a leevin’ soul this sax weeks.”

EXPENCE OF A WIFE.

An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both as regards food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig as some bachelors sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his acquaintances on the propriety of taking a wife; he was very smartly set upon one day, and told how snod a wife would keep him, and many other fine things to induce him to take a wife, and among the rest, what a comfort it would be to him, if it was for nothing else, but to mak his puritch in the morning; says he, “I dinna doubt but she wad mak my puritch, put the plauge is, she wad be fair to sup the half o’ them.”

CHARITY.

A person who resides in the ancient town of Killwinning, proverbial for his liberality in meat and drink, to friends and acquaintances; strangers too, seldom passed without experiencing a due share of his kindness; lately while feasting nearly a dozen of random visitors on “Pat Luck,” a beggar called at the door soliciting charity, when he very good humouredly called out, “I canna help you the day, I hae plenty o’ your kin here already.”

DISTINCTION OF SONS AND DAUGHTERS.

About the year thretty-sax, a company differed, “Whether it was better for a man to hae sons or daughters?” They cou’dna gree, but disputed it pro and con. At last, one of them said to Graham of Kinross, (wha hadna yoked wi’ them in the argument,) “Laird, what’s your opinion?” Quo he, “I had three lads and three lasses; I watna whilk o them I liked best sae lang as they sucket their mither; but de’il hae my share o’ the callants, when they came to suck their father.”

BIRD’S NEST.

The mother of a respectable Grocer in a town in the west, called her son to her, while on her death-bed, and declared to him that his reputed father was not really his father; but that such a one (nameing him) really was his father; and that the deed was done one night while journeying from Greenock, when at the Clun-Brae-Head; this story got wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and was a fine source of amusement for some time. One day, a boy vulgarly named the “Linty,” went into the said Grocer’s shop to purchase some article, when he was assailed with “Weel, Linty, whar is tu gaun to big thy nest the year?” The boy replied, “I was thinkin’ to big it down about the Clun-Brae-head.”

THE GREAT WANT.

A female pauper, lately made a very strong and forcible appeal to the elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an advance of 4s. 6d.--Some one of the grave quorum enquired what made her so urgent on this occasion, when she had lately got a supply of coals, shoes, &c., to this she replied--“Why, deed sirs, it’s just to buy a pair o’ corsets to my daughter Tibboc, ilk lass that’s ocht respectable has them but hersel’, so ye see she canna do wantin them, an’ ye maun e’en let me ha’t sirs.”

CAPTAIN SILK.

In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, ‘What a name for a soldier!’ ‘The fittest name in the world,’ replied a witty female, ‘for Silk never can be Worsted!’

MARCH OF INTELLECT.

Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade, Argyll street, Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, “No Dogs to enter here.” “No Dogs to enter here!” exclaimed one of them, “I’m sure there’s nae use for that there.” “What way, Jock,” replied the other. “’Cause dogs canna read signs,” said he. “Ha, ha, Jock, ye’re maybe wrang, I’se warran ye gentle folk’s dogs ’ill ken’t brawley, for there’s schools, noo, whar they learn the dumb baith to read an’ speak.”

HOW TO READ A SIGN-BOARD.

A Highland Drover passing through a certain town, noticed a Sign-board above an entry, with the following inscription:

Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies, Capped Biscuits, and all sorts of Confectionary Goods, sold down this entry.

read it as follows:--

Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades, Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts of Confusionary Goods, sold down this entry.

ADDITION.

A farmer’s Son, who had been some time at the university, coming home to visit his father and mother; and being one night with the old folks at supper, on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by the rules of logic and arithmetic, he could prove these two fowls to be three.--“Well, let us hear,” said the old man; “Why this,” said the scholar, “is one, and this,” continued he, “is two, two and one, you know make three.”--“Since ye hae made it out sae weel,” answered the old man, “your mother shall hae the first fowl, I’ll hae the second, and the third you may keep to yoursell.”

FINIS.

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE

Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been
corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within
the text and consultation of external sources.

Several missing opening quotation marks have been inserted; many
missing closing quotation marks have been inserted.

Except for those changes noted below, all dialect in the text,
all misspellings, and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been
retained.

Witty Sayings and Exploits of George Buchanan.
Pg 7: ‘was she delivered’ replaced by ‘was he delivered’.

Adventures of Bamfylde Moore Carew.
Pg 20: ‘bnt being saluted’ replaced by ‘but being saluted’.

Daniel O’Rourke’s Voyage to the Moon.
Pg 5: ‘bog, bog; could’ replaced by ‘bog, bog; I could’.
Pg 5: ‘Daniel O’Rouke,’ replaced by ‘Daniel O’Rourke,’.
Pg 20: ‘and conld tell’ replaced by ‘and could tell’.
Pg 23: ‘was preocoupied with’ replaced by ‘was preoccupied with’.

The Comical Tricks of Lothian Tom, &c.
Pg 12: ‘lamenting there’ replaced by ‘lamenting their’.
Pg 13: ‘is a great theif’ replaced by ‘is a great thief’.

Comical History of the King and the Cobbler.
Pg 3: ‘casualities which’ replaced by ‘casualties which’.
Pg 8: ‘his Chesire cheese’ replaced by ‘his Cheshire cheese’.
Pg 8: ‘Joan begings to’ replaced by ‘Joan begins to’.
Pg 10: ‘pull of his shirt’ replaced by ‘pull off his shirt’.
Pg 12: ‘replied the yoeman’ replaced by ‘replied the yeoman’.
Pg 12: ‘to him instanly’ replaced by ‘to him instantly’.
Pg 15: ‘loath to loose’ replaced by ‘loath to lose’.
Pg 21: ‘supply his expences’ replaced by ‘supply his expenses’.
Pg 22: ‘ran and eat’ replaced by ‘ran and ate’.
Pg 23: ‘so embarassed that’ replaced by ‘so embarrassed that’.

John Cheap, the Chapman.
Pg 13: ‘but yesternigh’ replaced by ‘but yesternight’.
Pg 13: ‘take on my waller’ replaced by ‘take on my wallet’.
Pg 16: ‘country villiage,’ replaced by ‘country village,’.
Pg 17: ‘this wicked webster’ replaced by ‘this wicked wabster’.

Simple John and his Twelve Misfortunes.
Pg 2: ‘as monv a ane’ replaced by ‘as mony a ane’.
Pg 7: ‘back on Mononday’ replaced by ‘back on Monday’.
Pg 10: ‘ano then he’ replaced by ‘and then he’.
Pg 10: ‘could naud nae’ replaced by ‘could haud nae’.
Pg 23: ‘pleaded for im’ replaced by ‘pleaded for him’.

The Wise Men of Gotham.
Pg 9: ‘At the begining’ replaced by ‘At the beginning’.

Mansie Waugh, Tailor in Dalkeith.
Pg 4: ‘searcely could he’ replaced by ‘scarcely could he’.
Pg 7: ‘of heavenly bope’ replaced by ‘of heavenly hope’.
Pg 8: ‘spirit of industrous’ replaced by ‘spirit of industrious’.
Pg 11: ‘an houest way’ replaced by ‘an honest way’.
Pg 14: ‘au auld-fashioned’ replaced by ‘an auld-fashioned’.
Pg 15: ‘the saut saut tears’ replaced by ‘the saut tears’.
Pg 15: ‘cry Jack Robison’ replaced by ‘cry Jack Robinson’.
Pg 17: ‘The rascel had’ replaced by ‘The rascal had’.
Pg 19: ‘Are e no descended’ replaced by ‘Are ye no descended’.
Pg 19: ‘as weel as ou ain’ replaced by ‘as weel as our ain’.
Pg 22: ‘a I wonder’ replaced by ‘all. I wonder’.
Pg 23: ‘a sound aleep’ replaced by ‘a sound sleep’.

Jockey and Maggie’s Courtship.
Pg 5: ‘but foulks may’ replaced by ‘but fouks may’.
Pg 13: ‘So this distubed’ replaced by ‘So this disturbed’.
Pg 16: ‘Mith. O woman!’ replaced by ‘Mar. O woman!’.
Pg 19: ‘that are rouud’ replaced by ‘that are round’.
Pg 22: ‘which coucludes the’ replaced by ‘which concludes the’.
Pg 23: ‘a tims or twa’ replaced by ‘a time or twa’.

The Coalman’s Courtship.
Pg 5: ‘tell the neihbours’ replaced by ‘tell the neighbours’.
Pg 7: “the lassie I’ll” replaced by “the lassie’ll”.

History of Buckhaven: Wise Willy and Witty Eppy.
Pg 11: ‘say one one place’ replaced by ‘say one place’.
Pg 21: ‘do for naethig’ replaced by ‘do for naething’.
Pg 24: ‘before Wise Wille’ replaced by ‘before Wise Willie’.

The Dominie Deposed. Maggie Johnston’s Elegy.
Pg 6: “his ma’t-brec” replaced by “his ma’t-bree”.
Pg 23: the last word on each of the first two lines was unclear;
they have been rendered as:
Whan we were wearied at the gouff,
Then Maggy Johnston’s was our houff,

A Groat’s Worth of Fun for a Penny.
Pg 2: ‘Helm-a lee, messmate’ replaced by ‘Helm a-lee, messmate’.
Pg 6: ‘and point-to’ replaced by ‘and pointed to’.
Pg 6: ‘Military Monœuvre’ replaced by ‘Military Manœuvre’.
Pg 17: ‘gone to’ replaced by ‘gone too.’.
Pg 23: ‘he first recoverd’ replaced by ‘he first recovered’.
Pg 23: ‘ago a nawker’ replaced by ‘ago a hawker’.

The Comical Sayings of Paddy from Cork.
Pg 1: ‘FOR THE BOOKSELERS’ replaced by ‘FOR THE BOOKSELLERS’.
Pg 3: ‘Cork iu Ireland?’ replaced by ‘Cork is in Ireland?‘.
Pg 4: ‘grown a a big’ replaced by ‘grown a big’.
Pg 5: ‘the hairs were not’ replaced by ‘the hares were not’.
Pg 16: ‘was a great theif’ replaced by ‘was a great thief’.
Pg 18: ‘a good safegaurd’ replaced by ‘a good safeguard’.
Pg 23: ‘blackgaurd scoundrels’ replaced by ‘blackguard scoundrels’.
Pg 24: ‘cut and castcate’ replaced by ‘cut and castrate’.

Fun upon Fun; or, Leper the Tailor, &c.
Pg 5: ‘strugling to get’ replaced by ‘struggling to get’.
Pg 6: ‘gave thee poor’ replaced by ‘gave the poor’.
Pg 11: ‘had been beseiging’ replaced by ‘had been besieging’.
Pg 23: ‘reconnitres the’ replaced by ‘reconnoitres the’.

John Falkirk’s Cariches.
Pg 3: ‘infalible remedy is’ replaced by ‘infallible remedy is’.
Pg 8: ‘and and when in bed’ replaced by ‘and when in bed’.
Pg 8: ‘a lawsuit aganst’ replaced by ‘a lawsuit against’.
Pg 14: ‘to one anther’ replaced by ‘to one another’.
Pg 19: ‘steping forward’ replaced by ‘stepping forward’.
Pg 21: ‘the evil on himself’ replaced by ‘the evil one himself’.
Pg 22: ‘who was doubtess’ replaced by ‘who was doubtless’.

Grinning made Easy,--Funny Dick’s Jokes.
Pg 5: ‘your buisness to’ replaced by ‘your business to’.
Pg 6: ‘unfavourable countence’ replaced by ‘unfavourable
countenance’.
Pg 8: ‘coolness, answer-’ replaced by ‘coolness, answered,’.
Pg 12: ‘a perpetual soure’ replaced by ‘a perpetual source’.
Pg 13: ‘ou a Physician’ replaced by ‘on a Physician’.
Pg 15: ‘are now synonimous’ replaced by ‘are now synonymous’.
Pg 16: ‘said the docter’ replaced by ‘said the doctor’.
Pg 16: ‘English geutleman’ replaced by ‘English gentleman’.
Pg 18: ‘want of a laundres’ replaced by ‘want of a laundress’.
Pg 19: ‘trelate said’ replaced by ‘the prelate said’.
Pg 20: ‘friend G......s’ replaced by ‘friend G----s’.
Pg 23: ‘and and stated that’ replaced by ‘and stated that’.
Pg 23: ‘was quiet deaf’ replaced by ‘was quite deaf’.

The Scotch Haggis; or, Choice Bon-Mots.
Pg 9: ‘your honse before’ replaced by ‘your house before’.
Pg 9: ‘the the wife said’ replaced by ‘the wife said’.
Pg 10: ‘of the parishoners’ replaced by ‘of the parishioners’.
Pg 13: ‘but four ounce of’ replaced by ‘put four ounce of’.
Pg 14: ‘the cemi-sacred’ replaced by ‘the semi-sacred’.
Pg 14: ‘indentified with that’ replaced by ‘identified with that’.
Pg 15: ‘mak her laddie’ replaced by ‘mak her a laddie’.

End of Project Gutenberg's John Cheap, the Chapman's Library:, by Various