Chapter I: Am, Gentlemen,

YOURS VERY OBEDIENTLY,
PHILIP COX.]

"SO YOU'VE TAKEN ALL YOUR STUFF, AND DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER, EH? WELL, THEN, WE MUST ALTER THE TREATMENT; YOU MUST GET YOUR HEAD SHAVED; AND IF YOU WILL CALL HERE TO-MORROW ABOUT ELEVEN, MY PUPIL HERE WILL PUT A SETON IN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK."]

"THE WHITEBAIT SEEM VERY LARGE, WAITER?"

"YES, SIR; VERY FINE AT PRESENT, SIR."]

PORTRAIT OF THE BOY WHO WON THE PRIZE FOR "PUTTING A STONE" THROUGH A WINDOW.]

_Guard._ "SOME ONE BEEN SMOKING, I THINK?"

_Passenger._ "WHAT! SMOKING! THAT'S VERY REPREHENSIBLE. PERHAPS IT WAS THE CLERICAL GENTLEMAN WHO HAS JUST GOT OUT OF THE NEXT COMPARTMENT."]

_Schoolmistress._ "YOU SEE, MY LOVE--IF I PUNCTURE THIS INDIA-RUBBER BALL IT WILL COLLAPSE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

_Child._ "OH, YES, I UNDERSTAND--IF YOU PRICK IT, IT WILL GO SQUASH."]

_Old Lady._ "NOW, ARTHUR, WHICH WILL YOU HAVE? SOME OF THIS NICE PUDDING, OR SOME JAM TART?"

_Juvenile._ "NO PASTRY, THANK-YE, AUNT. IT SPOILS ONE'S WINE SO. I DON'T MIND A DEVILLED BISCUIT, THO', BY-AND-BY, WITH MY CLARET."

(_Old Lady turns all manner of colours._]

_Angelina (the Wife of his Bussum)._ "WELL, EDWIN, IF YOU CAN'T MAKE THE 'THINGS,' AS YOU CALL THEM, MEET, YOU NEED NOT SWEAR SO. IT'S REALLY QUITE DREADFUL."]

_Young Rapid._ "YOU ARE QUITE SURE THIS IS THE CORRECT DRESS FOR A YOUNG FELLOW OF THAT PERIOD, EH?"

_Mr. Noses._ "OH, PERFECTLY CORRECT, SIR; AND REALLY LOOKS SPLENDID ON YER!"]

_Snip._ "THAT'S A SWEET THING FOR A WAISTCOAT, SIR, AND WOULD LOOK UNCOMMON WELL UPON YOU, SIR!"]

_Betrothed (who does not dance the Polka)._ "I SHOULD LIKE TO PUNCH HIS HEAD--A CONCEITED BEAST!"]

_Alfred._ "I SAY, FRANK, AREN'T YOU GOING TO HAVE SOME SUPPER?"

_Frank._ "A--NOT AT PRESENT. I SHALL WAIT TILL THE WOMEN LEAVE THE ROOM."]

"THIS AIN'T SUCH A WERRY BAD IDEA, IS IT, JIM? HERE'S THE GREAT DIDDLESEX WRITES TO ME FOR FIVE BOB ON A HUNDRED AN' FIFTY SHARES; AND, TO SAVE TROUBLE, VANTS THE NAME OF MY SOLICITUR."]

_Medical Student._ "WELL, OLD FELLOW, SO YOU'VE 'PASSED' AT LAST."

_Consulting Surgeon._ "YES; BUT I DON'T GET MUCH PRACTICE, SOMEHOW--ALTHOUGH I AM NEARLY ALWAYS AT HOME, IN CASE ANY ONE SHOULD CALL."]

_Little Hairdresser (mildly)._ "YER 'AIR'S VERY THIN ON THE TOP, SIR."

_Gentleman (of ungovernable temper)._ "MY HAIR THIN ON THE TOP, SIR? AND WHAT IF IT IS? CONFOUND YOU, YOU PUPPY, DO YOU THINK I CAME HERE TO BE INSULTED AND TOLD OF MY PERSONAL DEFECTS? I'LL THIN YOUR TOP!!"]

_Lover._ "SWEET GIRL, LET ME--HERE--AWAY FROM THE BUSY HUM OF MEN--AND WHERE NO MORTAL EYE CAN SEE US--DECLARE THAT PASSION WHICH--WHICH--"

_Lady._ "THERE! FOR GOODNESS' SAKE GET UP, MR. TOMKINS, AND DON'T BE RIDICULOUS--JUST CONSIDER ALL THE TELESCOPES FROM THE PARADE!!"]

_Little Foot Page (unexpectedly)._ "HERE'S SOME GENTLEMEN, PLEASE SIR."]

_Wife of Free and Independent._ "OH! AIN'T HE A HAFFABLE GENTLEMAN, TUMMUS?"

_Free and Independent._ "AH! JUST AIN'T 'UN. I SHOULDN'T WONDER IF I WARN'T ABLE TO PAY MY RENT TO-MORRER!"]

_Mrs. Smith._ "IS MRS. BROWN IN?"

_Jane._ "NO, MEM, SHE'S NOT AT HOME."

_Little Girl._ "OH! WHAT A HORRID STORY, JANE! MA'S IN THE KITCHEN, HELPING COOK!"]

"YOU SEE, OLD BOY, IT'S THE MEREST FORM IN THE WORLD. YOU HAVE ONLY TO--WHAT THEY CALL--ACCEPT IT, AND I'LL FIND THE MONEY WHEN IT COMES DUE."

_Victim._ "COME ALONG--GIVE US THE PEN."]

_Old Gent._ "CONFOUND THE BOYS AND THEIR TOPS! WHERE ARE THE POLICE?"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HOUSEKEEPING.

THE COOK SAYS THAT SHE THINKS THERE'S A SLATE LOOSE ON THE ROOF OF THE HOUSE, FOR THE WATER COMES INTO THE SERVANTS' BEDROOM. MR. BRIGGS REPLIES THAT THE SOONER IT IS PUT TO RIGHTS THE BETTER, BEFORE IT GOES ANY FURTHER--AND HE WILL SEE ABOUT IT.]

MR. BRIGGS HAVING BEEN TOLD BY THE BUILDER THAT A "LITTLE COMPO" IS ALL THAT IS WANTED, THE FIRST STEP IS TAKEN TOWARDS MAKING THINGS COMFORTABLE.]

MASTER JACKEY HAVING SEEN A "PROFESSOR" OF POSTURING, HAS A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF HIS OWN IN THE NURSERY.]

_Pastrycook._ "WHAT HAVE YOU HAD, SIR?"

_Boy._ "I'VE HAD TWO JELLIES, SEVEN OF THEM, AND ELEVEN OF THEM, AND SIX OF THOSE, AND FOUR BATH BUNS, A SAUSAGE ROLL, TEN ALMOND CAKES, AND A BOTTLE OF GINGER BEER."]

_Puer loquitur._ "I SAY LOBSTER, SHALL I GO AND FETCH YOU A CAB?"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HOUSEKEEPING.

NO TIME HAS BEEN LOST. MR. BRIGGS FINDS, ON GETTING OUT OF BED AT FIVE A.M. THAT THE WORKPEOPLE HAVE ALREADY COMMENCED PUTTING THE ROOF TO RIGHTS.]

_Paterfamilias._ "I CANNOT CONCEIVE, MY LOVE, _WHAT_ IS THE MATTER WITH MY WATCH; I THINK IT MUST WANT CLEANING."

_Pet Child._ "OH, NO! PAPA DEAR! I DON'T THINK IT WANTS CLEANING, BECAUSE BABY AND I HAD IT WASHING IN THE BASIN FOR EVER SO LONG THIS MORNING!"]

A FRIENDLY HINT TO YOUNG LADIES WHO WEAR THOSE DEAR DELIGHTFUL BARÈGE DRESSES. ALWAYS LET THE SLIP (OR WHATEVER THE MYSTERIOUS GARMENT IS CALLED) BE AS LONG AS THE OUTER DRESS!]

"OH, SIR! NO, SIR! PLEASE, SIR, IT AIN'T ME, SIR! IT'S THE OTHER BOYS, SIR!"]

"VAT'S THE MATTER, EH?"

"OH, THERE'S ALWAYS A SOMETHINK! VY, I'VE BIN AND LEFT MY HOPERA-GLASS IN A CAB NOW."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HOUSEKEEPING.

JUST TO SHOW HOW ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER--MR. BRIGGS (WHO HAS COME OUT ON THE LEADS WHILE THE MEN ARE GONE TO DINNER) IS SHOWN BY THE BUILDER HOW IT WOULD BE THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD TO "THROW" HIS PASSAGE INTO HIS DINING ROOM, AND BUILD A NEW ENTRANCE HALL WITH A SLIGHT CONSERVATORY OVER IT.--TO THE RIGHT OF THE CARTOON IS MRS. BRIGGS(!) WHO THINKS MR. B. HAS TAKEN LEAVE OF HIS SENSES.]

"BILL, YOU GOES OUT A GOOD DEAL.--TELL US, IS IT THE KERRECT THING TO TAKE ONE'S 'AT INTO A HEVENING PARTY?"]

_Jacky._ "HALLO, TOMMY! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?"

_Tommy._ "HOYSTER."

_Jacky._ "OH! GIVE US A BIT."]

_Flunkey._ "APOLLO? HAH! I DESSAY IT'S VERY CHEAP, BUT IT AIN'T MY IDEER OF A GOOD FIGGER!"]

_Small Briton._ "THE FRENCH INVADE US, INDEED! AND WHAT SHOULD WE BE ABOUT ALL THE TIME?--WHY, WE SHOULD RISE LIKE ONE MAN!"]

_Apprentice._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, SHALL I FILL UP MRS. TWADDLE'S DRAUGHTS WITH WATER?"

_Practitioner._ "DEAR, DEAR ME, MR. BUMPS, HOW OFTEN MUST I MENTION THE SUBJECT? WE NEVER USE WATER--_Aqua destillata_, IF YOU PLEASE!"]

_Bathing Woman._ "MASTER FRANKY WOULDN'T CRY! NO! NOT HE!--HE'LL COME TO HIS MARTHA, AND BATHE LIKE A MAN!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HOUSEKEEPING.

TABLEAU, REPRESENTING FURTHER IMPROVEMENTS IN MR. BRIGGS'S HOUSE--DESTRUCTION OF THE WALL WHICH SEPARATES THE PARLOUR FROM THE PASSAGE.

(_N.B.--As the wall is only lath and plaster, of course little or no mess is made. Mrs. Briggs says she hopes Mr. B. is satisfied now._)]

_Gentleman (in Shower-Bath)._ "HOLLO! HOLLO! WHO'S THERE? WHAT THE DEUCE DO YOU WANT?"

_Maid._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, HERE'S THE BUTCHER, AND MISSUS SAYS WHAT WILL YOU HAVE FOR DINNER TO-DAY?"]

_Sister Mary._ "WHY, CHARLEY, DEAR BOY, WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU SEEM QUITE MISERABLE!"

_Charley._ "AH! AIN'T I JUST! HERE'S MA' SAYS I MUST WEAR TURN-DOWN COLLARS TILL CHRISTMAS, AND THERE'S YOUNG SIDNEY BOWLER (WHO'S NOT HALF SO TALL AS I AM) HAS HAD STICK-UPS AND WHITE CHOKERS FOR EVER SO LONG!"]

"NOW, TELL ME, DEAR, IS THERE ANYTHING NEW IN THE FASHIONS?"]

"HOLLO! HI! HERE! SOMEBODY! I'VE TURNED ON THE HOT WATER, AND I CAN'T TURN IT OFF AGAIN!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HOUSEKEEPING.

_Scene: Principal barricade at Mr. Briggs's House._--OWING TO THE INCOMPLETE STATE OF THE ALTERATIONS, MR. BRIGGS IS OBLIGED TO ENTER HIS HOUSE THROUGH THE PARLOUR WINDOW. THE POLICEMAN MISTAKES HIM FOR A BURGLAR, AND ACTS ACCORDINGLY. IN MR. BRIGGS'S HAND MAY BE OBSERVED A FINE LOBSTER, WHICH HE HAS BROUGHT HOME TO CONCILIATE MRS. B.]

A SKETCH AT A RAILWAY STATION.]

"PLEASE, SIR, DID YOU WANT ANYBODY TO KEEP ORDER ON THESE HERE HUSTINGS ON POLLING DAY?"]

"HA'PENNY CANDLE, PLEASE, AND BE QUICK, FOR MOTHER WANTS HER TEA."

"OH, YES, OF COURSE, MISS; COULD WE SEND IT ANYWHERE FOR YER?"]

_Swell Mobsman (reads)._ "'ARRANGEMENTS ARE MAKING TO CONNECT ALL THE POLICE OFFICES WITH THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH.' WELL, I HAM BLOWED!"]

No. VIII.

SOMEHOW OR OTHER, EVER SINCE THE ALTERATIONS, THE CHIMNEYS HAVE TAKEN TO SMOKE INTOLERABLY. THE BUILDER IS ASSURING MR. BRIGGS THAT BY SOME VERY SIMPLE CONTRIVANCE THEY CAN BE EFFECTUALLY CURED.]

_Conductor_. "ALL RIGHT, JIM. PUSH ALONG, I'VE SERVED THE OLD GAL OUT THIS TIME."

_Old Lady._ "HERE, STOP! CONDUCTOR! I WON'T TAKE CHANGE FOR A FIVE-SHILLING PIECE IN HALF-PENCE--THAT I WON'T! HERE, POLICE! CONDUCTOR!" &C.]

_First Ticket Porter._ "AND SO, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALL I KNOWS ABOUT IT."

_Second Ticket Porter._ "WELL! I DON'T KNOW AS EVER I KNOWED A MAN AS KNOWS AS MUCH AS YOU KNOWS."]

_Robinson._ "THERE, BROWN, MY BOY, THAT'S AS FINE A GLASS OF WINE AS YOU CAN GET ANYWHERE."

_Mrs. Brown._ "A-HEM! AUGUSTUS, MY DE-AR. YOU ARE SURELY NEVER GOING TO TAKE PORT WINE? YOU KNOW IT NEVER AGREES WITH YOU, MY LOVE!"]

_Gus (who is always so full of his nonsense)._ "DASH MY BUTTONS, ELLEN! THAT'S A STUNNING WAISTCOAT. I WISH YOU'D GIVE US YOUR TAILOR'S ADDRESS."

_Ellen._ "DON'T YOU BE RUDE, SIR--AND TAKE YOUR ARMS OFF THE PIANO."]

"A PIN FOR YOUR SCARF, SIR? HERE'S AN ARTICLE WE HAVE SOLD A GREAT MANY OF."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HOUSEKEEPING.

ENVELOPE CONTAINING THE BUILDER'S LITTLE ACCOUNT AGAINST MR. BRIGGS--MUCH TOO SERIOUS TO JEST UPON.]

THE UNSETTLED STATE OF THE HOUSE FOR THE LAST TWO MONTHS HAS SO DISORDERED BRIGGS, THAT HIS MEDICAL ADVISER RECOMMENDS A LITTLE HORSE EXERCISE BY WAY OF A CHANGE, AND HIS EQUESTRIAN PLEASURES BEGIN.]

_Flora._ "THAT'S A VERY PRETTY WAISTCOAT, EMILY!"

_Emily._ "YES, DEAR. IT BELONGS TO MY BROTHER CHARLES. WHEN HE GOES OUT OF TOWN HE PUTS ME ON THE FREE-LIST, AS HE CALLS IT, OF HIS WARDROBE. ISN'T IT KIND?"]"

_Old Gentleman._ "WHAT THE DEUCE IS THE REASON, SIR, YOU DON'T ANSWER WHEN YOU ARE CALLED?"

(The reason is obvious. The poor child has his mouth full of green peas and jam tart.)]

_Boy._ "IF YOU PLEASE, M', WAS YOU A LOOKING FOR A LITTLE DOG?"

_Young Ladies._ "YES! OH, YES!"

_Boy._ "WAS IT A SPANNEL, MUM?"

_Young Ladies_. "OH, YES! A MOST BEAUTIFUL LITTLE SPANIEL, WITH VERY LONG EARS."

_Boy._ "AH, THEN, MUM, IT'S THE SAME AS FLEW AT MASTER'S BIG DOG HERE, WOT'S BIN AND SWALLERED OF IT."]

APPALLING RESULT OF INCAUTIOUSLY TAKING TOO MUCH SODA TO CORRECT ACIDITY.]

_Annie._ "GOOD-BYE, DEAR, YOU MUST COME AGAIN SOON, AND SPEND A GOOD LONG DAY, AND THEN I CAN SHOW YOU ALL MY NEW THINGS."

_Clara._ "OH! THAT WILL BE NICE! GOOD-BYE, DEAR." (_Kiss and exit._)]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPING.

_Dealer._ "I SHOULD SAY IT WAS JUST THE HOSS YOU WANT, SIR; ONLY YOU MUST DECIDE AT ONCE, BECAUSE THERE'S SEVERAL PARTIES VERY SWEET UPON HIM. HE'S A GENTLEMAN'S HOSS, SIR, AND CARRIES HIS OWN HEAD, SIR!"

_Mr. Briggs._ "BLESS MY HEART!" (_Buys him._)]

_Clever Juvenile (loq.)._ "SHAKSPEARE? POOH! FOR MY PART I CONSIDER SHAKSPEARE A MUCH OVER-RATED MAN."]

"THE BEST OF CLARET IS, THAT YOU MAY DRINK ANY (_hic_) QUANTITY YOU LIKE, WITHOUT FEELING ILL."]

QUITE A NEW SENSATION FOR THE LUXURIOUS, ON COLD MORNINGS. "USE HOT WATER, AND LOOK AT YOUR SHOWER-BATH!"]

_Time, half-past three; thermometer 30°._

_William._ "WHAT A VIOLENT RINGING THERE IS AT THE STREET-DOOR BELL!"

_Maria._ "OH! I KNOW WHAT IT IS, DEAR. IT'S THE SWEEPS· AND I DARE SAY THE GIRLS DON'T HEAR. JUST RUN UP AND KNOCK AT THEIR ROOM DOOR."]

MONEY.--WANTED FROM £300 TO £400 TO BRING FORWARD AN ARTICLE THAT MUST IN A FEW YEARS REALISE A HANDSOME FORTUNE TO THE PROPRIETORS. TO ANY YOUNG MAN WHO IS NOT OF BUSINESS HABITS, WITH THE ABOVE SUM AT COMMAND, THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR INVESTMENT SELDOM MET WITH. REFERENCES EXCHANGED.--NO PROFESSED MONEY-LENDER NEED APPLY.]

_Piscator._ "ARE THERE ANY BARBEL ABOUT HERE, GOV'NOR?"

_Host._ "ANY BARBEL ABOUT HERE!! I SHOULD RAYTHER THINK THERE WAS A FEW; HERE'S THE PICTUR O' WUN MY LITTLE BOY KETCHED JUST HOPPOSIT."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPING.

_MR. BRIGGS TRIES HIS HORSE._

STRIKING EFFECT ON MEETING ONE OF THOSE NASTY OMNIBUSSES.]

_Mr. Gobble._ "YOU SEE, SAM, YOU ARE A WERRY YOUNG MAN: AND WHEN I AM TOOK AWAY (WHICH, IN THE COMMON COURSE OF EWENTS, CAN'T BE WERRY LONG FUST), YOU WILL HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF PROPERTY. NOW, I'VE ONLY ONE PIECE OF ADWICE TO GIVE YOU. IT'S THIS--AND BY ALL MEANS ACT UPON IT:--LAY DOWN PLENTY OF PORT IN YOUR YOUTH THAT YOU MAY HAVE A GOOD BOTTLE OF WINE IN YOUR OLD AGE."]

BACK VIEW OF THE ELEPHANT AT THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS]

_Dumpy Young Lady._ "WELL, FOR MY PART, MATILDA, I LIKE LONG WAISTS AND FLOUNCES."]

"WHY, WHAT A PRETTY NEW FROCK ALFRED HAS!"

_Prodigy (who picks up everything so readily)._ "AH, AIN'T IT A STUNNER?"]

"MY GOODNESS, EMILY! THEY'RE BEGINNING THE QUADRILLE, AND HERE'S ALL MY 'BACK HAIR' COMING DOWN!! WHATEVER SHALL I DO?"]

"OH! WOT A SHAME! THEY'VE BEEN AND SPIKED ALL THE POSTES."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPING.

MR. BRIGGS HAVING PARTED WITH HIS LAD FOR MISCONDUCT, SOME YOUNG MEN WITHOUT ENCUMBRANCE APPLY TO "LOOK AFTER" HIS HORSE.]

_Old Gent._ "GOOD GRACIOUS ME! WHAT WITH ORANGE-PEEL AND SLIDES, THERE'S NO PEACE IN THIS LIFE."]

"SPARE A COPPER FOR A POOR OLD SOLDIER, MY NOBLE CAPTAIN! SURE IT'S YER HONOURS FACE I RECOLLECT IN THE PENINSULAR?"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPING.

MR. BRIGGS, PERSUADED THAT "A GOOD HORSE CAN'T BE A BAD COLOUR," HAS PURCHASED A SPOTTED AND HIGHLY TRAINED STEED FROM A CIRCUS; BUT THE WORST OF HIM IS, THAT AMONGST OTHER THINGS, HE HAS BEEN TRAINED TO SIT DOWN ON HIS HAUNCHES WHEN HE HEARS A BAND PLAY, AND YOU MAY IMAGINE HOW DISCONCERTED POOR OLD BRIGGS WAS THE FIRST TIME HE DID SO.]

_Piscator (at the top of his voice)._ "HI--TOM! BRING THE LANDING-NET; HE'S PULLED ME IN, AND GOT ROUND A POST."]

HORACE MAYHEW. PERCIVAL LEIGH. RICHD. DOYLE. GILBERT A. A'BECKETT. JOHN LEECH. RICHD. COBDEN. SIR R. PEEL. PRINCE DE JOINVILLE. SIR JAMES GRAHAM. LORD GEORGE BENTINCK. DAN. O'CONNELL. GEORGE HUDSON. SHAW LEFEVRE. (_Speaker._) JENNY LIND. GEN. TOM THUMB. LORD JOHN RUSSELL. PRINCE ALBERT. GEN. TOM THE QUEEN MARK LEMON. TOM TAYLOR. W. M. THACKERAY. DOUGLAS JERROLD. DISRAELI. MR. PUNCH. LOUIS PHILIPPE. COL. SIBTHORP. LORD NORMANBY. LORD BROUGHAM. MEHEMET ALI. EMPEROR OF RUSSIA. DUKE OF WELLINGTON.

MR. PUNCH'S FANCY BALL.]

_Book Stall Keeper._ "BOOK, MA'AM? YES, MA'AM, HERE'S A POPULAR WORK BY AN EMINENT SURGEON, JUST PUBLISHED, 'BROKEN LEGS, AND HOW TO MEND THEM;' OR, WOULD YOU LIKE THE LAST NUMBER OF 'THE RAILWAY OPERATOR?'"]

_Bootmaker (with great feeling)._ "OH, NO, SIR! DON'T HAVE NAPOLEONS; HAVE TOPS, SIR!--YOURS IS A BEAUTIFUL LEG FOR A TOP BOOT, SIR!--(_young Nimrod is immensely pleased_)--BEAUTIFUL LEG, SIR! SAME SIZE ALL THE WAY DOWN, SIR!"--(_young Nimrod is immensely disgusted._)]

_Young Lady._ "PRAY, CABMAN, ARE YOU ENGAGED?"

_Cabman._ "LOR BLESS YER, MISS, WHY, I'VE BEEN MARRIED THIS SEVEN YEARS."]

_Betting Flunkey._ "LOST? I BELIEVE YER! AND LOST A HATFULL OF MONEY ON THE HOAKS, TOO; AND HOW I'M TO SETTLE WITHOUT PARTING WITH MY JEWELLERY, I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW! AH, MR. BOTTLES, ITS HARD LINES TO WAIT AT TABLE WITH SUCH CARES AND HANXIETIES."]

_Policeman._ "NOW, MUM! WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

_Injured Female._ "IF YOU PLEASE, MISTER--I WANT TO GIVE MY WRETCH OF A 'USBAND IN CHARGE. HE'S ALLVAYS A KNOCKING OF ME DOWN AND A STAMPIN' ON ME!"]

"IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, MASTER'S SENT BACK THE FIRST VOLUME, AND HE SAYS, WILL YOU BE SO GOOD AS TO LET HIM 'AVE THE SECOND?"]

_Master Fred._ "THERE! THAT'S CAPITAL! STAND STILL, BOTTLES, AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW THE CHINESE DO THE KNIFE TRICK AT THE PLAY."

[BOTTLES _is much interested._]

_Hansom Cabby._ "H'M! SIXPENCE, YOU HAD BETTER KEEP IT. YOU MAY WANT IT FOR YOUR WASHING OR SOMETHINK!"]

_Clever Child._ "OH! DO LOOK HERE, MAMMA DEAR, SUCH A FUNNY THING! MR. BOKER'S GOT ANOTHER FOREHEAD AT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD."

[BOKER _is delighted_.]

AN OLD LADY IS CROSSING THE STREET, WHEN A LITTLE BOY SHOUTS OUT--"HI!" AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE. THE OLD LADY (ALTHOUGH INDEED THERE IS NO REAL CAUSE FOR ALARM) STARTS, AND BECOMES GREATLY AGITATED, AND IMAGINES THAT SHE IS RUN OVER BY AN OMNIBUS. THIS IS AN EXCEEDINGLY PLEASANT TRICK.]

_Child (screams and without any stops)._ "HANNER MARIA YER TIRESOME HAGGERWATIN' LITTLE USSY COME OUT OF THE ROAD DO WITH YER LITTLE BROTHER DID YER WANT TO BE RUNNED OVER BY OMNIBUSTES AND KILLED DEAD OH DEAR OH DEAR WHO'D BE A NUSS?"]

THIS IS EQUALLY DIVERTING. A LITTLE BOY RUSHES BY AN OLD GENTLEMAN AND "YOWLS" LIKE A DOG. THE OLD GENTLEMAN IS TERRIFIED BEYOND MEASURE. IF AT THE SAME TIME THE LITTLE BOY SHOULD ALSO PINCH THE LEG OF THE OLD GENTLEMAN, THE FORCE OF THE JOKE IS MUCH HEIGHTENED; BUT THEN INDEED HE MUST HAVE COURAGE, AND BE VERY ADROIT, OR HE MAY CHANCE TO GET A GREAT BANG FROM AN UMBRELLA OR STICK.]

_Railway Porter._ "NOW THEN, SIR! BY YOUR LEAVE!"]

_Little Gent._ "'OW MUCH?"

_Cabby._ "WELL, I'D RATHER LEAVE IT TO YOU, SIR! AND WHAT WE POOR HANSOMS IS TO DO WHEN ALL YOU OFFICERS IS GONE ABROAD, GOODNESS KNOWS."]

_Nursemaid._ "LAWK! THERE GOES CHARLEY, AND HE'S TOOK HIS MAR'S PARASOL. WHAT WILL MISSUS SAY?"]

"NOW, MY MAN, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, IF I GAVE YOU A PENNY?"

"VY, THAT YOU VOS A JOLLY OLD BRICK!"]

_Sentimental Young Lady._ "WILL YOU BE SO OBLIGING, MR. TONGS, AS TO CUT OFF A LONG PIECE OF HAIR WHERE IT WILL NOT BE MISSED?"]

THE OLD LADY IS SUPPOSED (AFTER A GREAT EFFORT) TO HAVE MADE UP HER MIND TO TRAVEL, JUST FOR ONCE, BY ONE "OF THOSE NEW-FANGLED RAILWAYS," AND THE FIRST THING SHE BEHOLDS ON ARRIVING AT THE STATION, IS THE ABOVE MOST ALARMING PLACARD.]

_Ellen (who loves a joke at AUNT FIDGET'S expense)._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, AUNT, THERE ARE TWO OFFICERS!"

_Aunt Fidget (a short-sighted lady)._ "BLESS ME, SO THERE ARE! WELL; THEY MAY BE OFFICERS, BUT THEY ARE NOT GENTLEMEN, I'M SURE, OR THEY WOULDN'T STAND LOOKING AT US IN THAT IMPUDENT MANNER."]

SHOWING WHAT MASTER TOM DID AF-TER SEE-ING A PAN-TO-MIME--BUT YOU WOULD NOT DO SO--OH DEAR NO!--BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOOD BOY.]

_Fond Parent._ "I DON'T CARE, MR. MEDIUM, ABOUT ITS BEING HIGHLY FINISHED; BUT I SHOULD LIKE THE DEAR CHILD'S EXPRESSION PRESERVED."]

_Rapid Undergraduate._ "WELL, JACKSON! YOU SEE THEY'VE PLUCKED ME AGAIN."

_Porter of St. Boniface._ "YE-ES, SIR, I WAS VERY SORRY WHEN I 'EARD OF IT, SIR."

_Undergraduate._ "AH! I DID INTEND GOING INTO THE CHURCH, AND BEING AN ORNAMENT TO THE PROFESSION--BUT AS THEY WON'T LET ME THROUGH--I THINK--I SHALL CUT THE WHOLE CONCERN."]

_Young Sister._ "I SHOULD SO LIKE TO GO TO A PARTY, MA."

_Mamma._ "MY DEAR, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. AS I HAVE TOLD YOU BEFORE (I AM SURE A HUNDRED AND FIFTY TIMES), THAT UNTIL FLORA IS MARRIED, IT IS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GO OUT; SO DO NOT ALLUDE TO THE SUBJECT AGAIN, I BEG."]

"PLEASE, MEM, LET'S COME UNDER YOUR RUMBERELLER!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPING.

MR. BRIGGS, DETERMINED TO HAVE NO MORE INFERIOR HORSES, GIVES A GOOD ROUND SUM FOR "A CLEVER COB--UP TO GREAT WEIGHT--AND THAT A CHILD MIGHT RIDE." HE HAS SOME FRIENDS (WHO REALLY KNOW WHAT A HORSE IS) TO DINE WITH HIM, WHOSE OPINIONS HE WISHES TO HAVE.

_First Friend._ "AH--VERY NICE--VERY NICE--BUT NOT MY SORT--BEEN KNOCKED ABOUT A GOOD DEAL, I SHOULD SAY--DRIVEN IN A BUTCHER'S CART, PERHAPS, AND SOLD BECAUSE HE WASN'T FAST ENOUGH."----_Second Ditto._ "HE HASN'T BEEN DOWN, BRIGGS, HAS HE? IS THAT A SCRATCH, OR IS IT ONLY THE LIGHT?"----_Third Ditto._ "DOES HE SHY AT ALL? HIS EYES DON'T LOOK QUITE THE THING."----_Fourth Ditto._ "I TELL YOU WHAT, BRIGGS, YOU MUST HAVE HIM LOOKED AFTER A LITTLE BETTER, OR HE'LL VERY SOON HAVE A CRACKED HEEL."----_Fifth Ditto._ "THAT HOCK SEEMS RATHER QUEER," &c., &c., &c.]

"PLEASE, SIR, WILL YOU PUMP FOR ME?"]

'_Bus Conductor._ "WOULD ANY LADY BE SO KIND AS TO RIDE OUTSIDE TO OBLIGE A _GENTLEMAN_?"]

_Mrs. ----._ "OH! DO LOOK HERE, DEAR! HOW EXTREMELY PRETTY THE AUTUMN FASHIONS ARE, TO BE SURE. WHAT A PERFECTLY LOVELY LITTLE CLOAK!"

_Mr. ---- (rapidly changing the subject)._ "YES. YES! BEAUTIFUL! BEAUTIFUL! BUT SEE, LOVE, WHAT A MAGNIFICENT BROWN HORSE, AND HOW SPLENDIDLY THAT FELLOW SITS HIM!"]

_Purveyor of Poultry._ "WHAT SORT O' PEOPLE ARE THEY AT NUMBER TWELVE, JACK?"

_Purveyor of Meat._ "OH! A RUBBISHIN' LOT. LEG O' MUTTON A' MONDAYS, AND 'ASH AN' COLD MEAT THE REST O' THE WEEK."]

"WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH TOMMY?"

"BOO! HOO! I'VE CUT MY FINGER WITH AUNT'S SCISSORS."

"THAT'S A GOOD BOY! ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPING.

MR. BRIGGS (_at an alarming sacrifice_) GETS RID OF HORSE NO. I., AND GOES OUT FOR A RIDE IN THE COUNTRY UPON NO. II.

_Carman._ "FELL DOWN, HAS HE, SIR? AH, HE LOOKS AS IF HE COULD BE WERRY CLEVER AT THAT.--WERRY ORKERD THING, SIR, FOR A OSS TO FALL DOWN, SIR. OSSES OOSTES A GOOD BIT O' MONEY--LEASTWAYS, GENTLEMEN'S OSSES DOES.--NOW, JIST LOOK AT MY LITTLE OSS, SIR, AND HE'S A POOR MAN'S OSS, HE IS. HE DON'T GO FALLIN' ABOUT." (_Exit._)]

MR BRIGGS RIDES(!) HOME, AND WONDERS WHAT MRS. BRIGGS WILL SAY.]

_Prodigy._ "MAMMA, LOOK DERE! DERE PAPA!"]

_Disciple of Old Isaac._ "THIS WOULDN'T BE A BAD PLACE, IF THE FISH WOULD ONLY BITE, AND IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS CONFOUNDED WASPS' NEST."]

_Testy Old Uncle (unable to control his passion)._ "REALLY, SIR, THIS IS QUITE INTOLERABLE! YOU MUST INTEND TO INSULT ME. FOR THE LAST FOURTEEN DAYS, WHEREVER I HAVE DINED, I HAVE HAD NOTHING BUT SADDLE OF MUTTON AND BOILED TURKEY--BOILED TURKEY AND SADDLE OF MUTTON. I'LL ENDURE IT NO LONGER."

[_Exit Old Gent., who alters his Will._]

_Grandpapa._ "BUT FOR SEVENTY YEARS, MY CHILD, I HAVE FOUND THAT THE MODERATE USE OF THE GOOD THINGS OF THIS LIFE HAS DONE ME GOOD."

_Young Hopeful Teetotaller._ "ALL A MISTAKE, GRANDPA', TOTAL ABSTINENCE IS THE THING. LOOK AT ME! I'VE NOT TASTED WINE OR BEER FOR YEARS!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES Of HORSEKEEPING.

MR. BRIGGS'S PRESENT HORSE DOESN'T QUITE SUIT HIM, FOR, SOMEHOW, WHENEVER HE JUMPS, MR. B. IS SURE TO FALL OFF. HE TAKES HIM TO AN EMINENT DEALER, AND REMARKS CONFIDENTLY THAT HE IS FOR SALE, UPON WHICH THE DEALER SAYS: "HOW MUCH A POUND IF HE BUYS THE WHOLE OF HIM?"]

_Shoemaker._ "I THINK, MUM, WE HAD BETTER MAKE A PAIR. YOU SEE, MUM, YOURS IS SUCH A REMARKABLY LONG AND NARRER FOOT!"]

_Groom._ "THAT'S ANOTHER FAVOURITE OSS OF MASTER'S, SIR, AND A GOOD UN HE IS TOO, SIR, ONLY HE AIN'T VERY QUIET."

_Mr. Green._ "OH, HOW DO YOU MEAN--'NOT VERY QUIET?'"

_Groom._ "WHY, SIR, HE'D GET YOU UP IN A CORNER, AND KICK YER BRAINS OUT IN NO TIME. HE'S A'MOST KILLED TWO MEN ALREADY."]

_First Heavy Swell (lately absent)._ "WELL, 'GUS, MY BOY--HOW DID YOU KEEP IT UP HERE ON CHRISTMAS DAY?"

_Second Do._ "OH! IT WAS TERRIBLY SLOW--FOR ALL THE WORLD LIKE A SUNDAY WITHOUT 'BELL'S LIFE!'"]

_Brighton Boatman._ "DID YOU WANT A PLEASURE BOAT THIS MORNING, SIR? NICE DAY FOR A ROW!!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPING.

THE FROST GOES, AND MR. BRIGGS'S HORSE IS DISAGREEABLY FRESH AFTER HIS LONG REST. HE SETS UP HIS BACK AND SQUEAKS AND PLUNGES AT EVERYTHING HE MEETS.]

_Cabby._ "DON'T BE ALARMED, SIR, IT'S ONLY HIS PLAY."]

_First Gent._ "WELL, NED, HOW DID WE GET HOME LAST NIGHT?"

_Second Gent._ "OH, I DON'T KNOW! DIDN'T I GO HOME WITH YOU?"]

"WHERE SHALL I SAY YOU'RE GONE TO, JIM, IF ANYONE CALLS?"

"OH, THE OLD SHOP--KENSINGTON GARDENS, TO HEAR THE BAND PLAY!"]

"THAT'S A STUNNING PIN, FRANK!"

"YA-AS.--I'VE GOT A SET OF WAISTCOAT BUTTONS TO MATCH--LOOK JOLLY AT NIGHT--I ASSURE YAH!"]

_Verdant's Friend._ "WELL--AS NEAR AS I CAN MAKE IT OUT--YOU _MUST_ LOSE £150, AND _MAY_ LOSE £300."

[VERDANT _subsides into his Book_.]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

_PREMONITORY SYMPTOMS OF MR. BRIGGS'S HUNTING FEVER._

_Maid._ "IF YOU PLEASE, MA'AM, THERE'S A YOUTH IN THE PASSAGE AS WANTS TO KNOW IF THESE TOP BOOTS IS ALL RIGHT."]

_Amiable Young Lady No. 1._ "PRETTY! OH, DEAR NO--DO YOU?"

_Amiable Young Lady No. 2._ "LAW! NOT AT ALL. BESIDES, HOW ABOMINABLY AFFECTED SHE IS!"]

"SIR!--PLEASE, MR.!--SIR! YOU'VE FORGOT THE DOOR-KEY!"]

_Rude Boy._ "OH, LOOK 'ERE, JIM!--IF 'ERE AIN'T A LOBSTER BIN AND OUTGROWED HIS CLOAK!"]

_Ellen._ "OH, DON'T TEASE ME TO-DAY, CHARLEY; I'M NOT AT ALL WELL!"

_Charley (a Man of the World)._ "I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, COUSIN--THE FACT IS, YOU ARE IN LOVE! NOW, YOU TAKE THE ADVICE OF A FELLOW WHO HAS SEEN A GOOD DEAL OF THAT SORT OF THING, AND DON'T GIVE WAY TO IT."]

_Mrs. Turtledove._ "DEAREST ALFRED! WILL YOU DECIDE NOW WHAT WE SHALL HAVE FOR DINNER?"

_Mr. Turtledove._ "LET ME SEE, POPPET. WE HAD A WAFER YESTERDAY--SUPPOSE WE HAVE A ROAST BUTTERFLY TO-DAY?"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

_PREPARATIONS FOR HUNTING._

MR BRIGGS'S HUNTING CAP COMES HOME, BUT THAT IS REALLY A THING MRS. BRIGGS CAN NOT AND WILL NOT PUT UP WITH.]

_Affectionate Husband._ "COME, POLLY, IF I AM A LITTLE IRRITABLE, IT'S OVER IN A MINUTE!!"]

"OH! IF YOU PLEASE, MISTER, ME AND THIS YOUNG AW-AW-INDIVIDUAL IS ABOUT TO MARRY; AND WE WANT TO LOOK OVER YOUR CHEAP FURNITURE MART."]

"LOOK HERE, JAMES!--OLD MISSUS IS GONE OUT OF TOWN, AND I'VE GOT HER BEAST OF A DOG WOT'S FED UPON CHICKINGS TO TAKE CARE OF.--WON'T I TEACH HIM TO SWIM, NEETHER!"]

_Lady of the House._ "HOITY TOITY, INDEED! GO AND PUT UP THOSE CURLS DIRECTLY, IF YOU PLEASE. HOW DARE YOU IMITATE ME IN THAT MANNER? IMPERTINENCE!"]

_Laura._ "OH. LOOK, MA' DEAR; SEE WHAT A _LOVE_ OF A CHATELAINE EDWARD HAS GIVEN ME."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

MR. BRIGGS, ON HIS WAY TO THE "METROPOLITAN STEEPLE CHASE," TRIES WHETHER HIS HORSE IS A GOOD ONE ACROSS COUNTRY. HE IS REPRESENTED RIDING AT A BROOK(!).]

"'OLD 'ARD, BILL! HERE'S ANOTHER HIPPERPOTAMUS."]

_Old Gentleman._ "GOOD GRACIOUS! IT'S STRIKING, AND THEY'LL HAVE BEGUN DINNER."]

_Juvenile Oxford Man (who does not think Vin Ordinaire of himself)._ "A--WERE YOU AT EITHER UNIVERSITY?"

_Awful Swell._ "YA-AS--WHEN I WAS A--BOY!"

[OXFORD MAN _departs in a Hansom_.]

_X. 42._ "DID YOU CALL THE POLICE, SIR?"

_Swell (who would perish rather than disturb his shirt-collar)._ "YA-AS, A--I'VE HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO DWOP MY UMBRELLAW, AND THERE ISN'T A BOY WITHIN A MILE TO PICK IT UP--A--WILL YOU HAVE THE GOODNESS?"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

MR. BRIGGS GOES OUT FOR A DAY'S HUNTING, AND HAS A GLORIOUS RUN OVER A SPLENDID COUNTRY.]

ELEGANT MATERIAL FOR TROWSERS--ONLY TAKES TWO MEN TO SHOW THE PATTERN.]

"NOW I DARE SAY, BILL, THAT AIR BEAST OF A DOG IS A GOOD DEAL MORE PETTED THAN YOU OR I SHOULD BE."]

_Well-bred Man._ "YOUR HORSE SEEMS A LITTLE IMPATIENT, SIR! PRAY GO FIRST!"]

_Gent (who meditates a ride)._ "HALLO! WHY, CONFOUND IT. THAT'S MY SADDLE HORSE, ISN'T IT?"

_Fly-Man._ "YES, SIR! IT'S ALL RIGHT; MASTER SAYS YOU'RE WERRY PARTICULAR ABOUT 'AVIN OF 'IM EXERCISED REGULAR--SO WE PUTS 'IM INTO THE BROOM WHEN YOU AIN'T OUT A RIDIN'!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

MR. BRIGGS PUTS HIS HORSE IN HARNESS, AND DRIVES A FEW FRIENDS QUIETLY DOWN TO THE DERBY.]

_Housebreaker._ "WOT A SHAME FOR PEOPLE TO GO LEAVING COAL-SCUTTLES ABOUT FOR PEOPLE TO GO STUMBLING OVER!"]

_Reduced Tradesman (to a little party returning home)._ "DID YOU WANT TO BUY A GOOD RAZOR?"]

"WELL, CHARLEY! HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEW PONY?"

"OH! PRETTY WELL, THANK YOU, UNCLE; ONLY I'M AFRAID HE'S HARDLY UP TO MY WEIGHT, AND HE RUSHES SO AT HIS FENCES."]

_Mary._ "OH! HOW I SHOULD LIKE TO BE A BEAUTIFUL COLUMBINE, AND RIDE ABOUT IN A GOLD CAR DRAWN BY WHITE DOVES!"

_Augustus._ "AND HOW I SHOULD LIKE TO BE A HARLEQUIN, AND CHANGE WHOLE STREETS INTO REALMS OF DAZZLING DELIGHT!"

_Tom (a rude Boy)._ "AND HOW I SHOULD LIKE TO BE THE OLD CLOWN, AND MAKE BUTTER SLIDES ON THE PAVEMENT TO UPSET OLD LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!"]

_English Cook._ "OH, DEAR! HERE, JAMES, COME, AND TAKE THIS ROAST BEEF AND PLUM-PUDDING OUT OF THE WINDOW. IT HURTS THE FEELINGS OF THE FOREIGN GENTS AS THEY WALK BY!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

ON HIS RETURN FROM THE RACES, HE ASSURES HIS MAN THAT HE'S A MOST "EKSHELLENT SERVANT"--THAT THE MARE NEVER CARRIED HIM BETTER. HE ALSO TELLS HIM TO MAKE THE MARE QUITE "COMF-ABLE," AND TO BE "VERY CAREF-L OF HISH CANDLE," BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH STRAW ABOUT!]

_Fisherman (to Old Gentleman)._ "THEY'RE A' BITIN' AWAY OVER 'ERE, SIR! JUST STEP ACROSS THAT THERE BIT O' WOOD, SIR, AND YOU'LL HAVE A CAPITAL PITCH, SIR!"

_Old Gentleman._ "ACROSS THAT BIT OF WOOD! DOES THE MAN THINK I'M A ROPE-DANCER?"]

_Voice in the distance._ "NOW, THEN, SMITH--COME ALONG!"

_Smith._ "OH, IT'S ALL VERY WELL TO SAY, COME ALONG! WHEN HE WON'T MOVE A STEP; AND I'M AFRAID HE'S GOING TO LIE DOWN."]

_Son and Heir._ "HOW MANY OF US ARE THERE? WHY, IF YOU COUNT THE GIRLS, THERE ARE SIX--BUT SOME PEOPLE DON'T COUNT THE GIRLS.--_I'M ONE!_"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

MR. BRIGGS, NOT BEING GOOD AT HIS "FENCES," GOES THROUGH THE PERFORMANCE OF OPENING A GATE.]

"'OH! IS THERE NOT SOMETHING, DEAR AUGUSTUS, TRULY SUBLIME IN THIS WARRING OF THE ELEMENTS?' BUT AUGUSTUS'S HEART WAS TOO FULL TO SPEAK."--_MS. Novel by Lady * * *._]

_Juvenile._ "UNCLE!"

_Uncle._ "NOW THEN, WHAT IS IT? THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME YOU'VE WOKE ME UP, SIR!"

_Juvenile._ "OH! JUST PUT A FEW COALS ON THE FIRE, AND PASS THE WINE, THAT'S A GOOD OLD CHAP."]

_Housemaid._ "I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, PARKER, I SHALL BE VERY GLAD WHEN MISSUS HAS GOT TIRED OF THIS PUSEY-USM. IT MAY BE THE FASHION; BUT WHAT WITH HER COMIN' HOME LATE FROM PARTIES, AND GETTING UP FOR EARLY SERVICE, AND THEN GOIN' TO BED AGAIN, WE POOR SARVINTS HAS DOUBLE WORK A'MOST."]

_Lady._ "BY THE WAY, MR. TONGS, I HAVE USED THAT BOTTLE OF BALM OF CALIFORNIA, BUT I FIND MY HAIR STILL COMES OFF."]

_Mr._ ----. "SO YOUR NAME IS CHARLEY, IS IT? NOW, CHARLEY DOESN'T KNOW WHO I AM?"

_Sharp Little Boy._ "OH, YES! BUT I DO, THOUGH."

_Mr._ ----. "WELL, WHO AM I?"

_Sharp Little Boy._ "WHY, YOU'RE THE GENTLEMAN THAT KISSED SISTER SOPHY IN THE LIBRARY, ON TWELFTH NIGHT, WHEN YOU THOUGHT NO ONE WAS THERE."]

"WELL, RUGGLES, IT'S ALL RIGHT!"

"WHAT'S ALL RIGHT?"

"WHY! WE ARE TO HAVE MARIO AGAIN."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

_MR. BRIGGS HAS ANOTHER DAY WITH THE HOUNDS._

MR. BRIGGS CAN'T BEAR FLYING LEAPS, SO HE MAKES FOR A GAP--WHICH IS IMMEDIATELY FILLED BY A FRANTIC PROTECTIONIST, WHO IS VOWING THAT HE WILL PITCHFORK MR. B. IF HE COMES "GALLOPERRAVERING" OVER HIS FENCES--DANG'D IF HE DOAN'T.]

"LET THE POOR GIPSY TELL YOUR FORTUNE, MY PRETTY GENTLEMAN."]

"SEEN THAT PARTY LATELY?"

"WHAT? THE PARTY WITH THE WOODEN LEG, AS COME WITH--"

"NO, NO--NOT THAT PARTY. THE PARTY, YOU KNOW, AS--"

"OH! AH! I KNOW THE PARTY YOU MEAN NOW."

"WELL, A PARTY TOLD ME AS HE CAN'T AGREE WITH THAT OTHER PARTY, AND HE SAYS THAT IF ANOTHER PARTY CAN'T BE FOUND TO MAKE IT ALL SQUARE, HE SHALL LOOK FOR A PARTY AS WILL." (_And so on for half an hour._)]

_Master Tom._ "HAVE A WEED, GRAN'PA?"

_Gran'pa._ "A WHAT! SIR?"

_Master Tom._ "A WEED!--A CIGAR, YOU KNOW."

_Gran'pa._ "CERTAINLY NOT, SIR. I NEVER SMOKED IN MY LIFE."

_Master Tom._ "AH! THEN I WOULDN'T ADVISE YOU TO BEGIN."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

MR. BRIGGS HAS ANOTHER GLORIOUS DAY WITH THE HOUNDS, AND GETS THE BRUSH (FOR WHICH HE PAYS HALF-A-SOVEREIGN--ONLY DON'T TELL ANYBODY).]

_Old Lady._ "JOHN THOMAS!"

_John Thomas._ "YES, MY LADY!"

_Old Lady._ "CARRY ESMERALDA--SHE'S GETTING TIRED, POOR DARLING!"]

_Hairdresser._ "THEY SAY, SIR, THE CHOLERA'S IN THE _H_AIR, SIR!"

_Gent. (very uneasy)._ "INDEED! AHEM! THEN I HOPE YOU ARE VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT THE BRUSHES YOU USE."

_Hairdresser._ "OH! I SEE YOU DON'T _H_UNDERSTAND ME, SIR. I DON'T MEAN THE 'AIR OF THE 'ED, BUT THE _H_AIR _H_OF THE _H_ATMOSPHERE!"]

"GOOD GRACIOUS! IS IT POSSIBLE?--NO! YES! NO!--YES! YES, BY JUPITER, IT'S A GREY HAIR IN MY FAVOURITE WHISKER!"]

"MY DARLING, WILL YOU TAKE A LITTLE OF THE--A--THE STUFFING?"

"I WILL, DEAR, IF YOU DO; BUT IF YOU DON'T, I WON'T."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

IN ANSWER TO NUMEROUS INQUIRIES, WE ARE HAPPY TO SAY, THAT MR. BRIGGS IS QUITE WELL, AND AT BRIGHTON. HE IS TAKING THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE HIS FAMILY A FEW RIDING LESSONS. WE SHOULDN'T WONDER IF HE WENT OUT WITH THE HARRIERS IN A DAY OR TWO.]

AUGUSTUS MAKES THE TEA FOR THE FIRST MONTH OF HIS MARRIAGE.]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

_MR. BRIGGS GOES OUT WITH THE BRIGHTON HARRIERS._

HE HAS A CAPITAL DAY. THE ONLY DRAWBACK IS, THAT HE IS OBLIGED TO LEAD HIS HORSE _UP_ HILL TO EASE HIM, AND _DOWN_ HILL BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID OF GOING OVER HIS HEAD--SO THAT HE DOESN'T GET QUITE SO MUCH HORSE EXERCISE AS HE COULD WISH!]

DISMAY OF MR. JAMES JESSAMMY ON BEING TOLD THAT HE WILL SPOIL THE WHOLE THING IF HE DOESN'T SHAVE OFF HIS WHISKERS.]

_Country Footman meekly inquires of London Footman._ "PRAY, SIR, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR TOWN? A NICE PLACE, AIN'T IT?"

_London Footman (condescendingly)._ "VELL, JOSEPH, I LIKES YOUR TOWN WELL ENOUGH. IT'S CLEAN; YOUR STREETS ARE HAIRY; AND YOU'VE LOTS OF REWINS. BUT I DON'T LIKE YOUR CHAMPAGNE; ITS ALL GEWSBERRY."]

_Boy._ "OH! IF YOU PLEASE'M--COOK'S VERY SORRY'M--BUT COULD SHE SPEAK TO YOU A MOMENT?"]

_MORE FREE THAN WELCOME._

_Cook._ "WHO WAS THAT AT THE DOOR, MARY?"

_Mary._ "OH! SUCH A NICE-SPOKEN GENTLEMAN WITH MOUSTARCHERS. HE'S A WRITIN' A LETTER IN THE DRAWING-ROOM. HE SAYS HE'S A OLD SCHOOL-FELLER OF MASTER'S, JUST COME FROM INGIA."

THE NICE-SPOKEN GENTLEMAN IS SEEN DEPARTING WITH WHAT GREAT-COATS AND OTHER TRIFLES HE MAY HAVE LAID HIS HANDS UPON.]

_Scene.--Room in Country House.--Breakfast-Table._

_Master Tom._ "OH, ROBERT!"

_Robert._ "YES, SIR!"

_Master Tom._ "OH, I SAY, ROBERT! THE LADIES WANT ME TO TAKE 'EM OUT FISHING TO-DAY. SO JUST TELL YOUNG EVANS I SHALL WANT HIM TO GO WITH ME TO GET SOME WASP GRUBS; AND--LOOK HERE! TELL THE GARDENER HE MUST GET ME SOME LARGE LOBWORMS DIRECTLY, AND A FEW SMALL FROGS, AS PERHAPS WE SHALL TRY FOR A JACK. AND--HI! ROBERT, TELL HIM TO SEND 'EM IN HERE, THAT I MAY SEE WHETHER THEY'RE THE RIGHT SORT!"

[_General Exclamation of "Nasty Monkey!" from the Ladies. Old Gentleman being rather deaf, wishes_ MASTER TOM'S _remarks repeated_.]

PERHAPS THE JOLLIEST THING IN THE WORLD(!)]

_Gentleman._ "OH, CERTAINLY! YOU CAN GO, OF COURSE; BUT, AS YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ME FOR NINE YEARS, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE REASON."

_Thomas._ "WHY, SIR, ITS MY _FEELINS_. YOU USED ALWAYS TO READ PRAYERS, SIR, YOURSELF--AND SINCE MISS WILKINS HAS BEEN HERE, SHE'S BIN A-READING OF 'EM. NOW, I CAN'T _BEMEAN_ MYSELF BY SAYIN' 'AMEN' TO A GUV'NESS."]

_Serious Flunkey._ "I SHOULD REQUIRE, MADAM, FORTY POUNDS A YEAR, TWO SUITS OF CLOTHES, TWO 'ATS, MEAT AND HALE THREE TIMES A DAY, AND PIETY HINDISPENSABLE."]

"AND WILL YOU ALWAYS--ALWAYS, DEAREST ALBERIC, LOVE ME THUS?" SAID CONSTANCE.

"EVER, WHILE THIS HEART BEATS WITH LIFE!" PASSIONATELY EXCLAIMED ALBERIC.

"THEN COULD YOU LEND ME FIVE POUNDS?" MURMURED THE LADY; "FOR REALLY THINGS ARE SO BAD IN THE CITY, THAT I," &C., &C., &C.]

_Individual (who is not over strong in his head, or firm on his legs)._ "D-D-D-D-ID WALTZING--EVER--MAKE--YOU--GIDDY? BECAUSE, I--SHALL--BE--HAPPY--TO--SIT--DOWN--WHENEVER--YOU'RE--TIRED!"

_Girl (who is in high dancing condition)._ "OH, DEAR NO--I COULD WALTZ ALL NIGHT!"]

_Frederick._ "THERE NOW, HOW VERY PROVOKING! I'VE LEFT THE PRAYER-BOOKS AT HOME!"

_Maria._ "WELL, DEAR, NEVER MIND; BUT DO TELL ME, _IS MY BONNET STRAIGHT_?"]

_Officer._ "WELL, BUT LOOK HERE, OLD FELLOW; WHY NOT STOP ALL NIGHT?"]

_First Cock Sparrow._ "WHAT A MIWACKULOUS TYE, FWANK! HOW THE DOOSE DO YOU MANAGE IT?"

_Second Cock Sparrow._ "YAS. I FANCY IT IS RATHER GRAND; BUT THEN, YOU SEE, I GIVE THE WHOLE OF MY MIND TO IT."]

_Old Party (who is taking care of the house)._ "OH, YES, SIR. YOU'LL FIND THE ROOM NICE AN' CLEAN--AN' I'M SURE THE BED'S HAIRED--FOR I'VE BIN AN' SLEP IN IT MY OWN SELF HEVERY NIGHT."]

_Objectionable Child._ "LOR, PA! ARE YOU GOING TO SMOKE? MY EYE! WON'T YOU CATCH IT WHEN MA COMES HOME, FOR MAKING THE CURTAINS SMELL!"]

_Wife of your Bussum._ "OH, I DON'T WANT TO INTERRUPT YOU, DEAR. I ONLY WANT SOME MONEY FOR BABY'S SOCKS--AND TO KNOW WHETHER YOU WILL HAVE THE MUTTON COLD OR HASHED."]

_William._ "HERE'S WISHIN' YOU GOOD 'EALTH, JIM, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

_James._ "THANK'YE, BILL, THANK'YE. I HAD OUGHT TO BE A HAPPY COVE--FOR I'VE GOT A WIFE AS CAN THRASH ANY MAN OF HER WEIGHT--AND I'VE GOT A CHILD OF TWO YEARS AND A ARF AS CAN EAT TWO POUNDS O' BEEFSTEAK AT A SITTING--LET ALONE OWNIN' THE SMALLEST BLACK AND TAN TERRIER IN THE WORLD!"]

_Old Lady._ "GOODNESS GRACIOUS, MR. BOATMAN! WHAT'S THAT?"

_Stolid Boatman._ "THAT, MUM! NUTHUN, MUM. ONLY THE ARTILLERY A PRAC-_TI_-SIN', AND THAT'S ONE O' THE CANNON-BALLS WHAT'S JUST STRUCK THE WATER!!"]

_Ancient Mariner._ "HOLD ON A BIT, MISS--I'LL TOW YOU OFF--YOU SHOULD NEVER CARRY SO MUCH SAIL IN A SOU-WESTER!"]

_Street Boy (to his natural enemy, the Policeman)._ "SNOWBALLS, SIR! NO, SIR! I HAVEN'T SEEN NO ONE THROW NO SNOWBALLS, SIR!"]

_Street Boy._ "HOH! SOOSANNER! DON'T YER CRY FOR ME! FOL DE ROL DE RIDDLE LOL! HERE'S A JOLLY SLIDE! CUT AWAY, YOUNG 'UN! IT'S ALL SERENE!"]

_Playful Youth._ "PLEASE, SIR, I WASN'T A HEAVIN' AT YOU--I WAS HEAVIN' AT BILLY JONES."]

_Cousin Emily._ "AND SO IT'S LITTLE ALFRED'S BIRTHDAY TO-MORROW. NOW, WHAT WOULD HE LIKE BEST FOR A PRESENT?"

_Alfred (after much reflection)._ "WHY, I THINK I SHOULD LIKE A--I SHOULD LIKE A TESTAMENT--AND--A--A--AND--OH, _I_ KNOW! I SHOULD LIKE A SQUIRT!!"]

_Sportsman (in Standing Beans)._ "WHERE TO NOW, JACK?"

_Jack._ "WELL! LET'S SEE! I SHOULD JUST GO UP THE BEANS AGAIN, AND ACROSS THE TOP END, BEAT DOWN THE OTHER SIDE AND ROUND BY THE BOTTOM; WHILE YOU'RE THERE, GET OVER AND TRY OLD HAYCOCK'S STANDING OATS--HE WON'T MIND--I'LL STOP HERE AND MARK!"]

_Man on the Grey (who comes Express pace over the Stile, and cannons against two quiet riders)._ "BEG PARDON, GENTLEMEN, BUT MY HORSE HAS GOT _NO MOUTH_!"]

_Doctor._ "AHEM! WELL! AND WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MY YOUNG FRIEND ADOLPHUS?"

_Fond Mother._ "WHY, HE'S NOT AT ALL THE THING, DOCTOR. HE WAS AT A JUVENILE PARTY LAST NIGHT, WHERE THERE WAS A TWELFTH CAKE; AND IT PAINS ME TO SAY, THAT BESIDES EATING A GREAT DEAL TOO MUCH OF THE CAKE, HE WAS IMPRUDENT ENOUGH TO EAT A HARLEQUIN AND A MAN ON HORSEBACK, AND, I AM SORRY TO ADD, A CUPID AND A BIRDCAGE FROM THE TOP OF IT!"]

_Tom._ "JACK! WHEREABOUTS IS AMSTID--AM?"

_Jack._ "WELL, I CAN'T SAY EXACKERLY, BUT I KNOW IT'S SOMEWHERE NEAR AMSTID-EATH!"]

OLD GENTLEMAN IS _VERY_ FOND OF FISHING!!]

_Pretty Cousin._ "LET ME SEE, FREDERICK, I'M JUST EIGHTEEN TO YOUR LOVE?"

_Frederick (who is always so ridiculous)._ "THAT IS PRECISELY THE STATE OF THE CASE, MY DEAREST GEORGINA."

_Mamma (with severity)._ "COME, LUNCHEON IS QUITE READY."]

_Master of the House._ "NOW, PRAY WHAT IS IT YOU COMPLAIN OF? IS NOT A ROAST LEG OF MUTTON, WITH PLENTY OF PUDDING, VEGETABLES, AND BEER, A SUBSTANTIAL DINNER ENOUGH FOR YOU?"

_Flunkey._ "OH! SUBSTANTIAL ENOUGH, NO DOUBT, SIR; BUT IT REALLY IS A _QUIZZEEN_ THAT--AW--ME AND THE OTHER GENTLEMEN HAS NOT BIN ACCUSTOMED TO. ITS VERY CORSE--VERY CORSE, INDEED, SIR!!"]

_Nervous Gentleman._ "DON'T YOU THINK, ROBERT, GOING SO FAST DOWN HILL IS VERY LIKELY TO MAKE THE HORSE FALL?"

_Robert._ "LOR BLESS YER--NO, SIR! I NEVER THROWED A OSS DOWN IN MY LIFE, 'XCEPT ONCE, AND THAT WAS ONE FROSTY MOONLIGHT NIGHT (JUST SUCH A NIGHT AS THIS IT WAS), AS I WAS A-DRIVIN' A GENT (AS MIGHT BE YOU) FROM THE STATION, WHEN I THROWED DOWN THIS WERRY OSS IN THIS WERRY IDENTICAL PLACE."]

"YOUR BATH IS QUITE READY, MA'AM."

"WELL BUT MY GOOD GIRL, I CAN'T GET INTO SUCH A BIT OF A THING AS THAT!"]

"I'LL TROUBLE YOU TO MEASURE ME FOR A NEW PAIR OF BOOTS."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HUNTING.

MR. BRIGGS, STIMULATED BY THE ACCOUNTS IN THE NEWSPAPERS OF THE DARING FEAT OF HORSEMANSHIP AT AYLESBURY, AND EXCITED BY MR. HAYCOCK'S CLARET, TRIES WHETHER HE ALSO CAN RIDE OVER A DINING-ROOM TABLE.]

_First Old Foozle._ "WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE PAPER, SIR? THERE'S NOTHING IN IT."

_Second Old Foozle._ "THEN WHAT THE DEVIL DID YOU KEEP IT SO LONG FOR?"]

_Driver._ "WHERE DID THE OLD GENT WANT TO GO TO, BILL?"

_Conductor._ "VY, HE WANTED TO GO TO BLACKWALL IN A QUARTER OF AN HOUR."

_Driver._ "OH! DID HE? THEN HE'D BETTER ORDER A BALLOON!!!"]

ALWAYS BOLT THE DOOR OF YOUR MACHINE AFTER BATHING, OR YOU MAY BE SERVED AS POOR MR. BRIGGS WAS ONE DAY. HIS DISASTER IS REPRESENTED ABOVE.]

_Servant Maid._ "IF YOU PLEASE, MEM. COULD I GO OUT FOR HALF-AN-HOUR TO BUY A BIT OF RIBBIN, MEM?"]

MR. BRIGGS HAS GONE TO THE EXHIBITION.--A BOY HOLDS HIS HORSE IN THE MEANTIME.]

_Gentleman (reads)._ "'INTELLIGENT; STRONG RELIGIOUS FEELINGS; FOND OF LITTLE CHILDREN; LOVES MUSIC, POETRY, AND THE FINE ARTS; IS RELUCTANT TO TAKE OFFENCE, GENEROUS AND FORGIVING.'--WELL, I'M BLOWED, IF THAT AIN'T WONDERFUL! WHY, ITS MY KARACTER TO A T!"]

"LOOK HERE, MY BOY! THE BOX MAKES A CAPITAL TABLE, AND THE BOOT IS JUST THE THING FOR YOUR LEGS."

[_Pocket-book disappears._]

_Cavalry Officer (who rides about five stone)._ "I'M DOOCED GLAD WE'RE IN THE HEAVIES; AIN'T YOU, CHARLEY? IT WOULD BE A HORRID BORE TO BE SENT OUT TO THE CAPE LIKE THOSE POOR LIGHT BOBS."]

_Juvenile._ "I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, GOVERNOR, THE SOONER WE COME TO SOME UNDERSTANDING THE BETTER. YOU CAN'T EXPECT A YOUNG FELLER TO BE ALWAYS AT HOME; AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I GO ON, WHY I MUST HAVE CHAMBERS, AND SO MUCH A-WEEK?"]

_Elderly Spinster._ "SO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE MARRIED, DEAR, ARE YOU? WELL, FOR MY PART, I THINK NINE-HUNDRED-AND-NINETY-NINE MARRIAGES OUT OF A THOUSAND TURN OUT MISERABLY; BUT OF COURSE EVERY ONE IS THE BEST JUDGE OF THEIR OWN FEELINGS."]

_First Matron._ "HAS YOUR DOLL HAD THE MEASLES, AMELIA? MINE HAS--"

_Second Matron._ "NO, DEAR, BUT IT'S BEEN VERY FRACTIOUS ABOUT ITS TEETH, AND I'M GOING TO GIVE IT A LITTLE GREY POWDER."]

_OUR FRIEND BRIGGS CONTEMPLATES A DAY'S FISHING._]

_Flunkey._ "HOW DARE YOU BRING ME A STEEL FORK, SIR!"]

_Domestic (soliloquising)_. "WELL! I'M SURE MISSUS HAD BETTER GIVE THIS NEW BONNET TO ME, INSTEAD OF STICKING SUCH A YOUNG-LOOKING THING UPON HER OLD SHOULDERS."

(_The impudent minx has immediate warning_)]

_First Boy._ "I'LL PUNCH YER ED, IF YER SAY MUCH."

_Second Boy._ "WHO'LL PUNCH MY ED?"--_First Boy._ "I WILL."

_Second Boy._ "_YOU_ WILL?"--_First Boy._ "YES, _I_ WILL."

_Second Boy._ "WELL!--DO IT."--_First Boy._ "AH!"

_Second Boy._ "YES!"--_First Boy._ "OH!"

[_Boys evaporate._]

_'Ousemaid._ "WELL, MR. ROBERT, I SUPPOSE YOU'LL BE OFF TO THE DIGGINGS ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE GENTLEMEN?"

_Flunkey._ "NOT IF I KNOWS IT, MARY, MY DEAR. I AIN'T BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO FIZZICAL EXERTION; AND I DON'T INTEND TO BEGIN HARD WORK AT MY TIME OF LIFE."]

_Grandmamma._ "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MY PET?"

_Child._ "WHY, GRANDMA, AFTER GIVING THE SUBJECT EVERY CONSIDERATION, I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT--THE WORLD IS HOLLOW, AND MY DOLL IS STUFFED WITH SAWDUST. SO--I--SHOULD--LIKE--IF YOU PLEASE, TO BE A NUN!"]

No. II.

_MR. BRIGGS STARTS ON HIS FISHING EXCURSION._]

MR. B WON'T HAVE A MAN WITH HIM, AS HE THINKS HE CAN MANAGE A PUNT BY HIMSELF; AND THE CONSEQUENCE IS, HE IS OBLIGED TO GO TO BED WHILE HIS THINGS ARE DRIED, HAVING UPSET HIMSELF, AS A MATTER OF COURSE.]

"HI!--THERE!--STOP!"]

* &C. &C. REPRESENT SPARKS OF DIVERS BEAUTIFUL COLOURS]

_Omnibus Driver._ "I BEG YOU A THOUSAND PARDONS, I AM SURE."

_Cabman._ "OH, PRAY DON'T MENTION IT. ITS OF NO CONSEQUENCE, BELIEVE ME!"]

_Sharp (but vulgar Little Boy)._ "HALLO, MISSUS, WOT ARE THOSE?"

_Old Woman._ "TWOPENCE."

_Boy._ "WHAT A LIE! THEY'RE APPLES."

[_Exit, whistling popular air._]

No. IV.

MR. BRIGGS TRIES (FOR MANY HOURS) A LIKELY PLACE FOR A PERCH; BUT UPON THIS OCCASION THE WIND IS NOT IN A FAVOURABLE QUARTER.]

MINNOW CAUGHT BY MR. BRIGGS; EXACT SIZE OF LIFE.]

"IF YOU PLEASE, SIR,--MRS. GENERAL SLOWCOACH'S COMPLIMENTS, AND SHE SAYS IF YOU'RE GOING BY THE TRAIN THIS MORNING, SHE WOULD FEEL PERTICKLER OBLIGED BY YOUR TAKING CHARGE OF THIS LITTLE CASK OF SEA-WATER AS FAR AS HER 'OUSE."]

_Piscator No. 1._ "HAD EVER A BITE, JIM?"

_Piscator No. 2._ "NOT YET--I ONLY COME HERE LAST WEDNESDAY!"]

"THE COUNTRY IS AWFULLY DEEP, BUT THE FALLING IS DELIGHTFULLY SOFT AND SAFE."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF FISHING.

_MR. BRIGGS HAS ANOTHER DAY'S FISHING._

HE IS SO FORTUNATE AS TO CATCH A LARGE EEL.]

"HOW COOL AND NICE THE FRENCH-POLISHED FLOORS ARE,--BUT--UGH!--OH DEAR!--HOW HARD!"]

PATERFAMILIAS PREFERS HIS OWN BEDROOM (WHICH THE WHITEWASHERS HAVE JUST LEFT) TO THE DISCOMFORT OF AN HOTEL.]

_Contemplative Man (in punt)._ "I DON'T SO MUCH CARE ABOUT THE SPORT. IT'S THE DELICIOUS REPOSE I ENJOY SO."]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF FISHING.

_TRIUMPHANT SUCCESS OF MR. BRIGGS._

SOMEHOW OR OTHER (ASSISTED BY HIS LITTLE BOY WALTER), HE CATCHES A JACK, WHICH, TO USE MR. B.'S OWN WORDS, FLIES AT HIM, AND BARKS LIKE A DOG.]

_First Sporting Snob._ "WELL, BILL, WHAT SORT OF A DAY HAVE YER HAD?"

_Second Ditto._ "OH, MAGNIFICENT, MY BOY! I SEE THE 'OUNDS SEVERAL TIMES; AND NONE OF YER NASTY 'EDGES AN' DITCHES, EITHER; BUT A PRIME TURNPIKE ROAD ALL THE WAY."]

_Victim._ "HOPE YOU WILL NOT BE OFFENDED, SIR; BUT I SHOULD BE VERY GLAD IF YOU COULD SETTLE MY LITTLE BILL UP TO CHRISTMAS."

_Mr. Dunup._ "OFFENDED, MY DEAR BOY! NOT IN THE LEAST. BUT THE FACT IS, I HAVE 'SUSPENDED CASH PAYMENTS' FOR SOME TIME."]

_Whipper-in (with excitement, loquitur)._ "'OLD 'ARD, THERE! 'OLD 'ARD! WHERE ARE YOU A-GALLOPING TO? DO YOU THINK _YOU_ CAN CATCH A FOX?"

_Foreigner of Distinction (with great glee)._ "I DO NOT KNOW, MON AMI; BUT I WILL TRAI--I WILL TRAI!"]

_Contented Man (loq.)._ "WHAT A NICE DAMP PLACE WE HAVE SECURED; AND HOW VERY FORTUNATE WE ARE IN THE WEATHER; IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO PROVOKING FOR US ALL TO HAVE BROUGHT OUR UMBRELLAS AND THEN TO HAVE HAD A FINE DAY!! GLASS OF WINE, BRIGGS, EH?"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF FISHING.

MR. BRIGGS, ANXIOUS TO BECOME A "COMPLETE ANGLER," STUDIES THE "GENTLE ART" OF FLY-FISHING.]

MR. B. GOES OUT. HIS CHIEF DIFFICULTY IS, THAT EVERY TIME HE THROWS HIS LINE--THE HOOKS (OF WHICH THERE ARE FIVE) WILL STICK BEHIND IN HIS JACKET AND TR-WS-RS.]

_Tom._ "AH, BILL! I'M QUITE TIRED OF THE DISSIPATION OF THE GAY AND FASHIONABLE WORLD. I THINK I SHALL MARRY AND SETTLE."

_Bill._ "WELL, I'M DEVILISH SICK OF A BACHELOR'S LIFE MYSELF, BUT I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF THROWING MYSELF AWAY IN A HURRY."]

_Juvenile._ "OH, CHARLEY. IF YOU HEAR A REPORT THAT I'M GOING TO BE MARRIED TO THAT GIRL IN BLACK, YOU CAN CONTRADICT IT. THERE'S NOTHING IN IT."]

_Mistress._ "WELL, I'M SURE! AND PRAY WHO IS THAT?"

_Cook._ "OH, IF YOU PLEASE'M, IT'S ONLY MY COUSIN WHO HAS CALLED JUST TO SHOW ME HOW TO BOIL A POTATO."]