Chapter I: Say, Tommy, Come and Shove. Here's the Poor 'orse Can't Get the (1)

WAGGIN UP!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.

MR. BRIGGS THINKS OF RUNNING DOWN THE DAY AFTER TO-MORROW TO HIS FRIEND HAYCOCK FOR A DAY'S SHOOTING, AND HAS BORROWED A DOG TO GO WITH HIM. FOR THE NINTH TIME DURING THE NIGHT HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED BY THE HOWLING OF THE ANIMAL.]

MR. BRIGGS NO SOONER RETURNS TO HIS BED, THAN MRS. BRIGGS SAYS, "MY DEAR! THERE'S THAT NASTY, TIRESOME DOG AGAIN!!"]

_Eton Boy (loq.)._ "COME, GOVERNOR! JUST ONE TOAST, 'THE LADIES!'"]

_Grace._ "_TEDDINGTON_ FIRST?--THEN THAT WILL MAKE FOUR DOZEN AND A HALF. REMEMBER, SIXES! TWO DOZEN WHITE, AND THE REST PALE DRAB AND LAVENDER."]

_Ragged Urchin._ "PLEASE, GIVE DAD A SHORT PIPE."

_Barman._ "CAN'T DO IT. DON'T KNOW HIM."

_Ragged Urchin._ "WHY, HE GETS DRUNK HERE EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT."

_Barman._ "OH! DOES HE, MY LITTLE DEAR? THEN 'ERES A NICE LONG 'UN, WITH A BIT OF WAX AT THE END."]

"REMEMBER THE STEWARD, SIR, IF YOU PLEASE."]

MR. BRIGG'S PLEASURES Of SHOOTING.

9 A.M., HIS ARRIVAL ON THE MOOR. MR. BRIGGS SAYS THAT THE FINE BRACING AIR MAKES HIM SO VIGOROUS THAT HE SHALL NEVER BE BEAT. HE ALSO FACETIOUSLY REMARKS THAT HE IS ON "HIS NATIVE HEATH," AND THAT HIS "NAME IS MACGREGOR!"]

DREADFUL CASE OF DESTITUTION.]

11 A.M. MR. BRIGGS BEGINS TO SHOW SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS. HE FINDS HIS "NATIVE HEATH" A VERY DIFFERENT THING TO HIS "NATIVE FLAGSTONES."]

THE DELIGHTFUL PROCESS OF DRESSING IN A BATHING-MACHINE.]

_Enter Small Swell (who drawls as follows)._ "A--BROWN, A--WANT SOME MORE COATS!"

_Snip._ "YES, SIR. THANK YOU, SIR. HOW MANY WOULD YOU PLEASE TO WANT?"

_Small Swell._ "A--LET ME SEE; A'LL HAVE EIGHT. A--NO, A'LL HAVE NINE; LOOK HERE! A--SHALL WANT SOME TROWSERS."

_Snip._ "YES, SIR. THANK YOU, SIR. HOW MANY WOULD YOU LIKE?"

_Small Swell._ "A--I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY. S'POSE WE SAY TWENTY-FOUR PAIRS; AND LOOK HERE! SHOW ME SOME PATTERNS THAT WON'T BE WORN BY ANY SNOBS!"]

_Mamma._ "MY DEAR FREDERICK, DO PRAY TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS!"

_Frederick._ "COULDN'T DO IT, MAMMA, DEAR; ALL OUR MEN AT CAMBRIDGE WEAR THEIR HANDS IN THEIR POCKETS, AND I COULDN'T DISGRACE MY COLLEGE BY TAKING MINE OUT!!"]

_Boy (loq.)._ "O DON'T I PITY THEM POOR NOBS IN _CARRIDGES_ THIS HOT WEATHER!"]

_Man (thrusting his hand into the window)._ "WILL YOU BUY A PENKNIFE WITH A HUNDRED BLADES, SIR?"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.

12 A.M. TOTAL PROSTRATION OF MR. BRIGGS.]

_Sporting Man (loquitur)._ "I SAY, CHARLES--THAT'S A PROMISING LITTLE FILLY ALONG O' THAT BAY-HAIRED WOMAN WHO'S TALKING TO THE BLACK-COB-LOOKING MAN!"]

_Lady._ "YOU WISH TO LEAVE--REALLY IT'S VERY INCONVENIENT. PRAY--HAVE YOU ANY REASON TO BE DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR PLACE?"

_Flunkey._ "OH, DEAR NO, MA'AM--NOT DISSATISFIED EXACTLY: BUT--A--THE FACT IS, MA'AM, YOU DON'T KEEP NO VEHICLE, AND I FIND I MISS MY CARRIAGE EXERCISE."]

_Maria (loq.)._ "MY DEAR CHARLES, BEFORE WE THINK OF MARRYING, I MUST ASK YOU WHAT YOU HAVE?"

_Charles._ "MY DEAR MARIA, I WILL TELL YOU FRANKLY THAT ALL I HAVE IN THE WORLD IS A DRUM AND A CRICKET BAT; BUT PAPA HAS PROMISED ME A BOW AND ARROWS, AND A PONY, IF I'M A GOOD BOY."

_Maria._ "OH! MY DEAR CHARLES, WE COULD NEVER LIVE AND KEEP HOUSE UPON THAT!"]

_Lady Emily._ "NOW DEAR, I WISH YOU WOULD BE QUICK, AND LIGHT THE FIRES, AND HELP ME TO MAKE THE BEDS."

[_The Barracks being removed from Knightsbridge. Young Ladies do the Housework._]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.

MR. BRIGGS IS OFF AGAIN SHOOTING.]

_Master Tom_. "NOW, THEN, GRANNY, I'VE EATEN THE PLUMS, AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME SIXPENCE, I'LL SWALLOW THE STONES!"]

AS THE SERVANTS ARE GONE TO BED, THE MASTER OF THE HOUSE ENDEAVOURS TO GET A LITTLE BIT OF SUPPER FOR HIMSELF. HE CAN'T CONCEIVE WHERE THE DEUCE THE THINGS ARE ALL KEPT; AND HE IS ALMOST TORN TO PIECES BY THE BLACK NATIVES OF THE KITCHEN.]

"SHALL I 'OLD YOUR 'ORSE, SIR?"]

"LOR! WHAT A MOST ABOMINABLE GLASS.--I DECLARE IT MAKES ONE LOOK A PERFECT FRIGHT!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.

FORTUNATELY FOR MR. BRIGGS (WHO _WILL_ LOAD HIS OWN GUN BECAUSE _THEN_ HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS ABOUT) THE KEEPER DISCOVERS THAT HE HAS PUT ABOUT THREE-QUARTERS OF A POUND OF SHOT INTO HIS RIGHT-HAND BARREL.]

"NOT KITCHED NONE! AH! SIR, YOU SHOULD HA' BIN HERE LAST TOOSDAY; THERE WAS TOO GENTS KILLED A UNCOMMON SIGHT A' FISH TO BE SURE, THEN."]

_Piscator No. 1. (miserably)._ "NOW, TOM, _DO_ LEAVE OFF. IT ISN'T OF ANY USE; AND IT'S GETTING QUITE DARK."

_Piscator No. 2._ "LEAVE OFF!! WHAT A PRECIOUS DISAGREEABLE CHAP YOU ARE. YOU COME OUT FOR A DAY'S PLEASURE AND YOU'RE ALWAYS A-WANTING TO GO HOME!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.

FEW THINGS ARE MORE ANNOYING THAN TO BE SHORT OF POWDER WHEN THERE IS A CHANCE OF GOOD SPORT. MR. BRIGGS FEELING THIS, ORDERS A GOOD SUPPLY, TO BANG AWAY AT THE PHEASANTS TO-MORROW. HE SUGGESTS TO MRS. BRIGGS, THAT IT SHOULD BE KEPT UNDER THEIR BED, TO BE OUT OF THE WAY OF THE CHILDREN!!]

_Mamma._ "WHY, MY DEAREST ALBERT, WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR?--SO GOOD, TOO, AS YOU HAVE BEEN ALL DAY!"

_Spoiled Little Boy._ "BOO-HOO! I'VE EATEN SO--MUCH BE-EF AND T-TURKEY, THAT I CANT EAT ANY P-PLUM P-P-PUDDING!"

_Oh, what a very greedy little fellow!_]

"WELL, I THINK THIS IS THE NEATEST THING I HAVE SEEN FOR A LONG TIME."]

_Old Acquaintance._ "AVE A DRAIN, BILL?"

_Bus Driver._ "WHY, YER SEE, JIM, THIS 'ERE YOUNG HOSS HAS ON'Y BIN IN 'ARNES ONCE AFORE, AND HE'S SUCH A BEGGAR TO BOLT, TEN TO ONE IF I LEAVE 'IM HE'LL BE A-RUNNIN' HOFF AND A-SMASHIN' INTO SUTHUN. HOWSEVER--HERE (_handing reins to timid passenger_), LAY HOLD, SIR, _I'LL CHANCE IT!_"]

_Coachman._ "WHY--WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOHN THOMAS?"

_Footman._ "MATTER ENUFF! HERE'S THE MARCHIONESS BIN AN GIV ME NOTICE BECAUSE I DON'T MATCH JOSEPH,--AND I MUST GO, UNLESS I CAN GET MY FAT DOWN IN A WEEK!"]

_First._ "WUT TAK THY QUOAT OFF, THEN! OI TELL THEE OI'M AS GOOD A MON AS THEE!"

_Second._ "THEE A MON! WHOY THEE BE'EST ONLY WALKING ABOUT TO SAVE THY FUNERAL EXPENSES!"]

_First Polite Native._ "WHO'S 'IM, BILL?"

_Second Ditto._ "A STRANGER!"

_First Ditto._ "'EAVE 'ARF A BRICK AT 'IM."]

_Stout Party._ "AHEM! I WANT TO HAVE A LOOK AT THE HOUNDS TO-MORROW! DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE GOT ANYTHING THAT WOULD CARRY ME?"

_Stable Keeper._ "WELL, SIR! I THINK I HAVE TWO BROWN 'OSSES--AND A OMNIBUS, AS PERHAPS MIGHT DO IT!"]

_Perceptive Child._ "MAMMA, DEAR! WHY DO THOSE GENTLEMEN DRESS THEMSELVES LIKE THE FUNNY LITTLE MEN IN MY NOAH'S ARK?"]

_Affable Little Gentleman._ "DEAR, OH DEAR! HOW IT RAINS! I'M AFRAID YOU'LL GET VERY WET--CAN I OFFER YOU A GREAT COAT OR ANYTHING?"]

_Old Gentleman._ "WELL, WALTER, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE GOT INTO LATIN AND GREEK AT SCHOOL BY THIS TIME, EH?"

_Juvenile._ "OH, YES, SIR. I HAVE JUST FINISHED XENOPHON AND THUCYDIDES, AND AM NOW IN EURIPIDES. BY THE WAY, SIR, HOW WOULD YOU RENDER THE PASSAGE BEGINNING [Greek: kakôs pepraktai pantachê]?"

_Old Gentleman._ "AHEM! HEY?--WHAT?--AHEM! HERE, RUGGLES, BRING ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CLARET, AND--EH? WHAT? WALTER, I THINK YOU HAD BETTER JOIN THE LADIES."]

_Young Hopeful._ "WELL, IT'S OF NO USE, GOVERNOR; I CAN'T STICK TO BUSINESS. I WANT TO BE A SOLDIER, AND YOU MUST BUY ME A COMMISSION."

_Governor._ "NO, MY BOY, I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY YOU A COMMISSION, BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I _WILL_ DO; IF YOU WILL GO DOWN TO CHATHAM AND ENLIST, I WILL GIVE YOU MY WORD OF HONOUR I WON'T BUY YOU OFF!"]

_First Man of the World._ "HEARD OF MISS F----'s MARRIAGE, CHARLEY?"

_Second Do._ "AH! I HEARD IT SPOKEN OF. I BELIEVE IT WAS A MARRIAGE OF INCLINATION ON BOTH SIDES?"

_First Do._ "YES! IT WAS A BAD JOB. THOSE MATCHES NEVER TURN OUT WELL!"]

DID YOU EVER SEE TWO STRANGE ENGLISHMEN BREAKFASTING AT A TABLE D'HOTE ABROAD? WELL! ISN'T IT A CHEERFUL THING?]

_Genteel Pluralist._ "WHAT THE PEOPLE CAN WANT WITH A CRYSTAL PALACE ON SUNDAYS, I CAN'T THINK! SURELY THEY OUGHT TO BE CONTENTED WITH THEIR CHURCH AND THEIR HOME AFTERWARDS."]

_Lady._ "THEN, WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST PLACE, PRAY?"

_Cook._ "WELL, MA'AM, AFTER I'M DONE WORK, I AM VERY FOND OF SINGING AND PLAYING ON THE ACCORDIUM, AND MISSUS HADN'T USED TO LIKE IT--AND SO I GIVE NOTICE!"]

"JEMMY! WHAT'S A STALL AT THE HOPERA?"

"WELL, I CAN'T SAY, NOT FOR CERTAIN; BUT I SUPPOSE IT'S WHERE THEY SELLS THE HAPPLES, HORANGES, GINGER BEER AND BISKITS."]

_Gentleman._ "SIXTY POUNDS A YEAR!! WHY, MAN, ARE YOU AWARE THAT SUCH A SUM IS MORE THAN IS FREQUENTLY GIVEN TO A CURATE?"

_Flunkey._ "OH, YES, SIR; BUT THEN YOU WOULD HARDLY, I HOPE, GO FOR TO COMPARE ME WITH THE HINFERIOR ORDER OF CLERGY."]

_University "Man" having spent a few days in Town, at the end of Term is about to go Home._

_Waiter (condescendingly)._ "GOING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, SIR?"

_University_ MAN (_hurling himself into Hansom_). "EUSTON SQUA-A-A-RE!"]

_Old Gent._ "THOMAS, I HAVE ALWAYS PLACED THE GREATEST CONFIDENCE IN YOU. NOW TELL ME, THOMAS, HOW IS IT THAT MY BUTCHER'S BILLS ARE SO LARGE, AND THAT I ALWAYS HAVE SUCH BAD DINNERS?"

_Thomas._ "REALLY, SIR, I DON'T KNOW, FOR I'M SURE WE NEVER HAVE ANYTHING NICE IN THE KITCHEN THAT WE DON'T ALWAYS SEND _SOME_ OF IT UP INTO THE PARLOUR!"]

_Uncle._ "SO, YOU'VE BEEN TO THE CRYSTAL PALACE--HAVE YOU, GUS?"

_Gus._ "YES, UNCLE."

_Uncle._ "WELL. NOW, I'LL GIVE YOU SIXPENCE IF YOU WILL TELL ME WHAT YOU ADMIRED MOST IN THAT TEMPLE OF INDUSTRY?"

_Gus. (unhesitatingly)._ "VEAL AND 'AM PIES, AND THE GINGER BEER. GIVE US THE SIXPENCE."]

"WHAT A BORE! JUST LIKE MY LUCK. NO SOONER HAVE I GOT MY TACKLE READY, AND SETTLED DOWN TO A BOOK, THAN THERE COMES A CONFOUNDED BITE!"]

"POOR SWEEPER, LADIES! RAILWAY DIRECTOR ONCE, LADIES!"]

_First Amiable Lady (very loud)._ "WHAT A REMARKABLY ODD SET OF PEOPLE ONE MEETS AT A PUBLIC BALL!"

_Second Do._ "OH, VERY DROLL!"

_Poor Little Swell._ "YETH; AND SO THWANGELY DRETHED!"]

_Flunkey (out of place)._ "THERE'S JUST ONE QUESTION I SHOULD LIKE TO ASK YOUR LADYSHIP--HAM I ENGAGED FOR WORK, OR HAM I ENGAGED FOR ORNAMENT?"]

_Young Diana._ "I THINK, SIR, IF YOU WOULD BE SO GOOD AS TO GO FIRST, AND BREAK THE TOP RAIL, MY PONY WOULD GET OVER."]

_Whip._ "HOLD HARD, GENTLEMEN! WARE WHEAT! WARE WHEAT!!"

_Young Farmer._ "COME ON, GENTLEMEN. NEVER MIND THE WHEAT--IT'S ONLY THIRTY SHILLINGS A QUARTER!!"]

_Lovely Woman (to brute of a Husband)._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, WILLIAM--FAST ASLEEP! AND NOT DRESSED, I DECLARE! WHY IT'S NEARLY TWELVE O'CLOCK, AND THE BROUGHAM HAS BEEN WAITING THIS HALF-HOUR. GO AND GET READY THIS MOMENT, SIR!"]

"LAWK, JOHN! IF YOU HAVEN'T BIN AND LET MASTER'S LIBERY FIRE OUT AGAIN."]

_Wife of his Bosom._ "UPON MY WORD, MR PEEWITT! IS THIS THE WAY YOU FILL UP YOUR CENSUS? SO YOU CALL YOURSELF THE 'HEAD OF THE FAMILY'--DO YOU--AND ME A FEMALE!"]

"ARE YOU GOING TO HASCOT, BILL?"

"WHY, YES; I'M GOING TO CHAPERONG THIS YOUNG FEMALE DOWN BY THE RAIL."]

_Conductor._ "HOLD HARD, BILL! HERE'S A COUPLE MORE LEICESTER SQUARES A-COMIN'."]

_First Costermonger._ "I WONDER A RESPECTABLE COVE LIKE YOU, BILL, CARRIES YOUR OWN COLLYFLOWERS; WHY DON'T YER KEEP A CARRIDGE LIKE MINE?"

_Second Costermonger._ "WHY DON'T I KEEP A CARRIDGE? WHY, BECAUSE I DON'T CHOOSE TO WASTE MY HINCUM IN MERE SHOW AND FASHIONABLE DISPLAY!"]

_Box-Keeper._ "STALLS 216 AND 17. THIS WAY, MA'AM; LAST ROW, MA'AM. WON'T YOU LIKE A BOOK, MA'AM?"]

"DID YOU WANT YER DOOR SWEPT, MARM?"]

_Lady._ "IF YOU ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH WHAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU, THERE'S A GENTLEMAN HERE WHO WILL SETTLE WITH YOU."

_Cabman._ "NO, THERE _AIN'T_! THERE AIN'T _NO GENTLEMAN_ HERE!"

_Lady._ "I TELL YOU THERE IS. THERE IS A GENTLEMAN IN THIS HOUSE."

_Cabman._ "OH, NO, THERE AIN'T, _NOT IF HE BELONGS TO YOU!_"]

"I SAY, OLD FELLOW, HOW DO YOU GO TO THE DERBY THIS YEAR?"

"OH, THE OLD WAY--HAMPER AND FOUR."]

_Wife (much startled)._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, REGINALD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GUN?"

_Reginald (who is very fond of shooting)._ "HUSH! HUSH! MY DEAR--I'VE KILLED TWO!"

_Wife._ "MY GOODNESS! TWO WHAT?--THIEVES?"

_Reginald._ "NO, DEAR. TWO OF THOSE CONFOUNDED RABBITS THAT ARE ALWAYS EATING THE VERBENA! THERE, GO TO SLEEP, DARLING--I'LL HAVE ANOTHER DIRECTLY."]

_Fond Mother._ "WHY, HE DOESN'T WRITE VERY WELL YET, BUT HE GETS ON NICELY WITH HIS SPELLING. COME, ALEXANDER, WHAT DOES D. O. G. SPELL?"

_Infant Prodigy (with extraordinary quickness)._ "CAT!"]

IS WESKETS TO BE GENERALLY WORE THIS SUMMER?]

_Dealer._ "THERE! HE AIN'T A 'ORSE MADE UP FOR SALE, HE'LL GO ON IMPROVIN' EVERY DAY YOU KEEP HIM--HE WILL."]

"I SAY, FRANK, MY BOY--IF TROUNCER'S AT 5 TO 2, AND NUTSHELL AT 3 TO 1, WHAT'S THE BETTING AGAINST THE PAIR OF THEM!"

"I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW--TAKE YOU 6 TO 1."]

Reduced Goldsmith (_loq._). "NOW THEN, HERE YOU ARE!--A HANDSOME GOLD SNUFFBOX AND A HA'PORTH OF SNUFF FOR A PENNY!"]

_First Languid Party._ "DON'T YOU FIND SEA-AIR VERY STRENGTHENING, JACK?"

_Second Ditto, Ditto._ "AH, VEWY! I COULD THROW STONES IN THE WATER ALL DAY!"]

_Alderman Gobble._ "WHAW-T; PULL DOWN TEMPLE BAR? OH DEAR! RING FOR THE SHERRY. THEY'LL BE FOR DESTROYING GOG AND MAGOG NEXT.]"

"NOW, MY LITTLE MAN--HERE'S YOUR FINE NATIVES! ONLY A PENNY A LOT."]

_Learned (but otherwise highly objectionable) Child (loq.)._ "OH, MAMMA, DEAR! WHAT DO YOU THINK? I ASKED MR. ---- AND MISS ---- TO NAME SOME OF THE REMARKABLE EVENTS FROM THE YEAR 700 TO THE YEAR 600 B.C., AND THEY COULDN'T. BUT _I_ CAN--AND--THE SECOND MESSINIAN WAR COMMENCED; AND--THE POET TYRTÆUS FLOURISHED; BYZANTIUM WAS FOUNDED BY THE INHABITANTS OF MEGARA; DRACO GAVE LAWS TO ATHENS; TERPANDER OF LESBOS, THE MUSICIAN AND POET; THALES OF MILETUS, THE PHILOSOPHER; ALCÆUS AND SAPPHO, THE POETS, FLOURISHED; AND NEBUCHADNEZ----"

[_Sensation from right and left, during which the voice of
Child is happily drowned._ ]

_ALARMING RESULT!_]

_Buttons._ "OH! PLEASE'M! BE QUICK'M! HERE'S THE COACHING CHINA A CLUCKING LIKE ANYTHINK. HE'VE BEEN AND LAID A HEGG!!!"]

MR. BRIGG'S PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.

_TABLEAU--REPRESENTING MR. BRIGGS OUT FOR A DAY'S RABBIT-SHOOTING._]

_Country Friend to Sporting Gent from Town._ "WELL, JACK, I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE A CAPITAL DAY. YOU SEE THE FROST IS QUITE GONE."]

_Railway Guard._ "NOW, MA'AM, IS THIS YOUR LUGGAGE?"

_Old Lady (who concludes she is attacked by Brigands)._ "OH, YES! GENTLEMEN, IT'S MINE. TAKE IT--TAKE ALL I HAVE--BUT SPARE, OH SPARE OUR LIVES!!"]

_Alderman Gobble._ "NOW, THEN, GALS! I'VE QUITE DONE. CAN I GET YOU ANY GRUB?"]

MR. BRIGG'S PLEASURES OF SHOOTING.

_A FRIEND HAS GIVEN MR. BRIGGS A DAY'S SHOOTING._

A COCK PHEASANT GETS UP, AND MR. BRIGGS'S IMPRESSION IS, THAT A VERY LARGE FIREWORK HAS BEEN LET OFF CLOSE TO TO HIM. HE IS ALMOST FRIGHTENED TO DEATH.]

_Old Gent._ "NOW, THEN, DRIVER. WHATS THE MATTER?"

_Cabman._ "OH, IT'S NOTHIN', SIR. HE'S ONLY A LEETLE TOO FRESH, SIR!"]

"ARE YOU GOING?"

"WHY, YE-ES. THE FACT IS, THAT YOUR PARTY IS SO SLOW, AND I AM WEALLY SO INFERNALLY BORED, THAT I SHALL GO SOMEWHERE AND SMOKE A QUIET CIGAR."

"WELL, GOOD NIGHT. AS YOU ARE BY NO MEANS HANDSOME, A GREAT PUPPY, AND NOT IN THE LEAST AMUSING, I THINK IT'S THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO."]

_Master Butcher._ "DID YOU TAKE OLD MAJOR DUMBLEDORE'S RIBS TO NO. 12?"

_Boy._ "YES, SIR."

_Master Butcher._ "THEN CUT MISS WIGGLES'S SHOULDER AND NECK, AND HANG MR. FOODLE'S LEGS TILL THEY'RE QUITE TENDER!"]

MR. BRIGG'S PLEASURES OF RACING.

_MR. BRIGGS HAS BACKED HIMSELF TO RIDE A STEEPLE CHASE AGAINST HIS FRIEND MUFFINS, OF THE ST--K EXCH--NGE. HE IS GOING ROUND THE COURSE JUST TO LOOK AT THE JUMPS._

_Spectator (to MR. B.)_. "OH NO, SIR!--THIS AIN'T THE BIG ONE. THE BIG ONE IS AFTER YOU GET OUT OF THE LANE, AND AFORE YOU COME TO THE BROOK!"]

MAY-DAY FOR THE SWEEPS.]

MR. BRIGG'S PLEASURES OF RACING.

MR. BRIGGS IS WEIGHED, OF COURSE.]

HIS FRIENDS RECOMMEND HIM A LITTLE JUMPING POWDER.]

HERE HE TAKES A PRELIMINARY CANTER, AND PUTS HIS HORSE AT A FLIGHT OF HURDLES.]

AND GETS OVER VERY CLEVERLY.]

SOME TIME AFTER THE START, MR. BRIGGS GOES ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FLAG, AND IS OBLIGED TO GO BACK, WHICH, AS THE GROUND IS RATHER HEAVY, "TAKES IT OUT OF OLD BLUNDERBUSS CONSIDERABLY."]

WHO, IN CONSEQUENCE, MAKES A MISTAKE AT THE NEXT FENCE.]

MR. BRIGG'S PLEASURES OF RACING

HOWEVER, MR. BRIGGS IS NOT HURT; AND, AFTER SOME EXERTION, RE-MOUNTS.]

MR. BRIGGS, AS HE APPEARED COMING TO THE BROOK. IN THE DISTANCE MAY BE OBSERVED HIS OPPONENT, WHO HAS A NASTY FALL, BUT FORTUNATELY TUMBLES ON HIS HEAD.]

MR. BRIGGS AS HE APPEARED IN THE BROOK.]

AS HE APPEARED WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE BROOK.]

PORTRAIT OF MR. BRIGGS WINNING THE RACE. N.B. THE DENSE CROWD IS CHEERING HIM.]

_Lady._ "YES, MY DEAR. JOHN LEFT US WITHOUT ANY WARNING, AND WE CAN'T MATCH THE OTHER FOOTMAN, BECAUSE ALL THE TALL MEN ARE GONE TO AUSTRALIA."]

A "DRAG" FULL OF GUARDSMEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE PASSING.]

_Young Mother (joyously)._ "THE DEAR LITTLE CREATURE IS GETTING ON SO NICELY; ITS BEGINNING QUITE TO TAKE NOTICE."--_First Mother of a Family (blandly)._ "OH! MY DEAR! THAT IS NOT TAKING NOTICE; ITS ONLY THE WIND."--_Second Ditto._ "YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A LITTLE DILL-WATER, DEAR, YOU WOULD FIND," &c. &c.--_Third Ditto._ "WELL, IF IT WAS MY CHILD, I SHOULD," &c. &c.--_Fourth Ditto._ "NOW, WHEN I WAS NURSING MY LITTLE GREGORY, I USED," &c. &c.--_Fifth Ditto._ "WELL, NOW, I WOULD NOT FOR THE WORLD THAT A BABY OF MINE," &c. &c.--_Sixth Ditto._ "INDEED, I HAVE KNOWN CHILDREN OBLIGED TO ENDURE THE MOST HORRIBLE AGONY," &c. &c.--_Seventh Ditto._ "DEPEND UPON IT, LOVE; AND YOU KNOW I HAVE HAD A LARGE FAMILY--AND IF YOU WILL BE ADVISED BY ME," &c. &c.

[_Young Mother becomes quite bewildered, and gives herself up
to despair._]

_First Young Lady (reads)._ "10TH ROW--3 LONG WITH THREE CHAIN AFTER EACH INTO THIRD SMALL SPACE, 1 LONG INTO SAME SPACE, 5 LONG WITH THREE CHAIN AFTER EACH INTO MIDDLE SPACE, 1 LONG INTO SAME SPACE, 3 LONG WITH 3 CHAIN AFTER EACH INTO NEXT SPACE, 1 LONG IN SAME SPACE, 5 CHAIN, DITTO IN MIDDLE OF LARGE SPACE, 5 CHAIN; REPEAT."

_Second and Third Young Ladies (in ecstacies)._ "OH, HOW SWEETLY PRETTY!!!"]

_Conductor._ "NOW, MARM! WITE-CHAPEL, OR MILE-END?--ONLY A PENNY"]

"I HAVE CALLED, MR. SQUILLS, TO SAY THAT MY DARLING LITTLE DOG (!) HAS TAKEN ALL HIS MIXTURE, BUT HIS COUGH IS NO BETTER."]

_Indignant Master of Hounds._ "NOW, YOU SIR! MIND THE HOUND! HE'S WORTH FORTY TIMES AS MUCH AS YOUR HORSE!"]

_Stout Party._ "STOP! HERE! CABMAN! WE WANT TO GO AS FAR TER-WARDS WHITECHAPEL AS WE CAN FOR SIXPENCE!"

_Cabman._ "VERY SORRY, MUM! BUT THE OSS HAS BIN OUT ALL DAY--DEAD BEAT, MUM--GOING HOME, MUM."]

_Old Lady (loq.)._ "BLESS MY HEART! HOW RIDICULOUSLY SMALL THEY DO MAKE THE EYES OF THE NEEDLES NOW-A-DAYS, TO BE SURE!"]

_Enter_ SPORTING YOUTH, _who has lost the hounds_.

_Youth._ "SEEN THE HOUNDS GO THROUGH HERE, PIKEY?"

_Pikey._ "E-AS, A HAVE--TUPPENSE!"

_A lapse of twenty minutes is supposed to have taken place, when Youth pays the twopence and gallops on._

_Youth (in a high state of excitement)._ "WHY, CONFOUND YOU! I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD SEEN THE HOUNDS GO THROUGH HERE?"

_Pikey._ "E-AS, SO A DID; SEED 'EM YESTERDAY!"]

_Page._ "THAT POOR DEVIL AIN'T MIXED MUCH IN SOCIETY."]

_Stout Gentleman._ "WHAT! IS THAT THE ONLY BOAT YOU HAVE IN?"]

"OH, YES! IT'S VERY EASY TO SAY 'CATCH HOLD OF HIM!'"]

"OH! HERE'S A GO! BLOWED IF I AIN'T LOST MY DIAMOND RING!"]

_Blanche (who dotes on horses)._ "THERE, FRANK. ISN'T SHE A PRETTY CREATURE? PAPA GAVE HER TO ME THIS MORNING--SHE IS SO GOOD-TEMPERED AND WHAT A NICE HEAD AND NECK SHE HAS! HASN'T SHE? SHE'S QUITE YOUNG, TOO--AND SUCH A BEAUTIFUL MOUTH!--NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY, SIR, EH?"

_Frank (who is so absurd)._ "H'M! LETS SEE, PRETTY CREATURE!--GOOD-TEMPERED!--NICE HEAD AND NECK!--YOUNG!--AND A BEAUTIFUL MOUTH!--WHY, I SAY, YOU MAKE A CAPITAL PAIR!"]

_Old Gent._ "I SAY, MY LITTLE MAN, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HOLD YOUR PONY TOGETHER GOING UP HILL, AND OVER PLOUGHED LAND!"

_Young Nimrod._ "ALL RIGHT, OLD COCK! DON'T YOU TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK EGGS! THERE'S MY MAN BY THE HAY-STACK WITH MY SECOND HORSE!"]

MR. HAYCOCK, HAVING HEARD OF THE MERITS OF BRUISED OATS FOR HORSES, REQUESTS HIS FRIEND BRIGGS TO SEND HIM A COUPLE OF "BRUISERS."

MR. BRIGGS DESPATCHES THE "WHITECHAPEL CHICKEN" AND THE "BAYSWATER SLASHER."]

_Proprietor of Machine (loq.)._ "SORRY TO KEEP YOU SUCH A LONG TIME A WAITIN', SIR; BUT REALLY THEY STOP IN SUCH A TIME THAT WE HAVEN'T A MACHINE TO BLESS OURSELVES WITH. THERE'S CRUMPTON'S COTTAGES HAS BEEN IN THE WATER THIS THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR; AND ALBION HOUSE TAKES THE LONGEST TIME TO DRESS OF ANY GENT I EVER SEE. OH! HERE'S PROSPECT PLACE A COMING HOUT. NOW YOU CAN GO IN, SIR."]

_MR. BR--GGS (We suppress the Gentleman's name for obvious reasons)_ THINKS HE WILL GO TO HAMPTON RACES.]

THE BROOK-GREEN VOLUNTEER.

SALUTING HIS SUPERIOR OFFICERS.]

HAVING A LITTLE BALL PRACTICE.]

GOING ON DUTY.]

_Equestrian._ "NOW, BOY, DON'T YOU BE TAKING OFF YOUR HAT TO MAKE ME A BOW--YOU'LL FRIGHTEN MY HORSE."

_Boy._ "A--A--A WARN'T A-GOING TO!"]

_Small Boy._ "NOW, THEN, YOU SIR! DON'T YOU KNOW NO BETTER THAN TO RUN AGIN A MIMBER O' PARLIAMENT--JUST YOU COME BACK, AND PICK UP MY 'AT, OR I'M BLOWED IF I DON'T MAKE YER!"]

FAVOURABLE WIND AND THE TROUT RISING AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.]

THE BROOK-GREEN VOLUNTEER.

FORMS HIMSELF INTO A SQUARE, AND RESISTS A CHARGE OF CAVALRY.]

RECEIVES PRESENTATION OF COLOURS.]

_Flunkey._ "I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR--BUT THERE IS ONE THING I SHOULD LIKE TO MENTION AT ONCE. I AM AFRAID--A--THAT I AM EXPECTED TO CLEAN THE BOOTS."

_Gentleman._ "BLESS ME! OH DEAR, NO! THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE; I ALWAYS CLEAN THEM MYSELF--AND IF YOU WILL LEAVE YOUR SHOES OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR, I WILL GIVE THEM A POLISH AT THE SAME TIME."]

(_See London Streets._)]

THE BROOK-GREEN VOLUNTEER.

HAVING BEEN DRUNK AND DISORDERLY, IS ORDERED BY HIS "DASHING WHITE SERJEANT" TO DO DOUBLE DUTY.]

THE NIGHTS ARE STILL CHILLY; THEREFORE OUR FRIEND WARMS THE BED FOR HIS FAMILY PREVIOUS TO HIS GOING ON GUARD.]

_Equestrian._ "NO, I SHAN'T STOP FOR THE LAST RACE; I MUST GET TO TOWN TO GO TO AN EVENING PARTY."]

_Van Driver._ "I DON'T KNOW NUTHUN ABOUT NO RIGHT SIDES NOR WRONG SIDES. YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY, IF YER DON'T WANT TO BE MADE A WAFER OF!"

[_Where are the Police?_]

"NOW THEN, LATITAT, TUCK IN YOUR SIX-AND-EIGHTPENNY!"]

"ALL IN! ALL IN! WALK UP, LADIES! JUST A GOING TO BEGIN! NONE OF YOUR SHAMS HERE, BUT REAL BULLET-HEADED MURDERERS! ALL IN! ALL IN!"]

_Emma._ "WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEAR GRAN'MA? THE LADIES IN PARIS WEAR THEIR HAIR TAKEN OFF THE FOREHEAD AND SPRINKLED WITH SILVER!"

_Grandma._ "DO THEY, INDEED! WELL, MY DARLING, SO LONG AS THEY ARE RESPECTABLE, THERE CAN BE NO HARM IN GREY LOCKS."]

"DEAR! DEAR! DEAR! HOW VERY PROVOKING! HERE'S ONE END OF THE BARREL COME OUT, AND ALL THE OYSTERS MIXED WITH MY CLEAN COLLARS!"]

_Domestic._ "HERE'S MISS BRADSHAW, MUM, HAS JUST COME; SHE'S GONE UP-STAIRS, MUM."

_Angelina._ "OH, VERY WELL--I WILL--"

_Edwin._ "BRADSHAW!! WHO THE DEUCE IS MISS BRADSHAW?"

_Angelina._ "OH, IT'S NOTHING OF CONSEQUENCE, DEAR--SHALL I GIVE YOU SOME MORE TEA, DEAR?"

_Edwin._ "YES; BUT WHO IS MISS BRADSHAW? WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME WHO MISS BRADSHAW IS?"

_Angelina._ "LAW! EDWIN! IF YOU MUST KNOW, IT'S--IT'S--TH'--THE _DRESSMAKER_."]

_THE BEST PREVENTIVE AGAINST SEA-SICKNESS._

WHEN YOU CROSS THE CHANNEL, ESPECIALLY IF IT SHOULD BE BLOWING HARD, "KEEP YOUR PECKER UP" (AS THAT AGREEABLE RATTLE, YOUNG FIPPSON, CALLS IT) BY MAKING A HEARTY MEAL AT THE "SHIP" OR "PAVILION."]

_THE RESULT._]

AND ONCE ON BOARD, FIX YOUR EYES UPON SOME DISTANT OBJECT, AND ADAPT THE MOVEMENTS OF YOUR BODY TO THE ROLLING OF THE VESSEL, AND THE RESULT WILL PROBABLY BE, AS SHOWN ABOVE IN NO. III.]

"WELL! GOOD BYE, UNCLE! I'VE ENJOYED MYSELF VERY MUCH IN THE COUNTRY; AND IF YOU WILL RUN UP TO LONDON AT ANY TIME, I'LL SHOW YOU A LITTLE LIFE!"]

_OUT OF TOWN._

APPALLING POSITION OF MR. AND MRS. TOMKINS, WHO HAD A JIB HORSE WHEN THE TIDE WAS COMING IN.]

THE NOSE OF THE HIPPOPOTAMUS PUT OUT OF JOINT BY THE YOUNG ELEPHANT.]

DELICATE STATE OF THE HIPPOPOTAMUS. IT IS ORDERED CHANGE OF AIR, AND A LITTLE SEA-BATHING.]

THE HIPPOPOTAMUS HAS QUITE RECOVERED, AND IS TAKEN OUT FOR AN AIRING.]

_Husband._ "WELL! I DECLARE I'M QUITE GLAD IT'S A WET DAY. IT WILL BE AN EXCUSE TO STOP AT HOME WITH MY DARLING LITTLE PIPSEY POPSY. WHAT DO YOU SAY, DICKEY! EH? PRETTY DICK! PRETTY DICK!"]

_Husband._ "GO OUT FOR A WALK! NONSENSE! I'VE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. I THINK TOO, YOU MIGHT PULL DOWN THAT BLIND, UNLESS YOU WANT THE SUN TO SPOIL ALL THE FURNITURE; AND, DEAR, DEAR, DO FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, JEMIMA, TAKE THAT D---- CANARY OUT OF THE ROOM!"]

A MESSAGE FROM THE LORDS.]

"HATS OFF, STRANGERS!"]

WHO IS THIS? WHY, THIS IS MR. JOHN CHUBB PULLING ONE OF HIS LONG, SLOW, STEADY STROKES. HE IS TAKING MORE PAINS THAN USUAL, BECAUSE THOSE PRETTY GIRLS IN THE ROUND HATS ARE SITTING ON THE LAWN DRAWING FROM NATURE.]

_Gentleman._ "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE CARE OF HORSES?"

_Boy._ "WELL, SIR, I HAD OUGHT TO--FOR I'VE BEEN AMONGST 'EM ALL MY LIFE."]

_Youths._ "THEN, I SUPPOSE, WHEN YOU WERE A SMUGGLER, YOU USED TO HAVE REG'LAR COMBATS AND FIGHTS?"

_Boatman._ "COMBATS AND FIGHTS! LOR LOVE YER, WE WOS A'MOST ALWAYS AT IT. ONCE IN PARTICKLER I CALL TO MIND. I HAD THREE BALLS THROUGH MY HEAD AND TWO IN THE STUMMUCK (WHICH I FEEL 'EM NOW SOMETIMES IN THE WINTER I DO), BESIDES BEIN' RUN THROUGH WITH A CUTLASS, AND ALL MY FRONT TEETH KNOCKED OUT BY THE PERWENTIVE MAN'S TELESCOPE, WICH LUCKILY SHUT UP, OR THERE'S NO KNOWIN' WOT MIGHT 'A BIN THE CONSEQUENCE. AH! THERE _WOS_ GOINGS ON THEN. BUT, LOR, IT AIN'T NOTHIN' LIKE IT NOW!"

[_Youths are deeply impressed._]

ALTHOUGH POLICEMEN ARE PLACED AT PARTICULAR SPOTS FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING OMNIBUSES "MOVE ON," THEY ARE GENERALLY SEEN CHATTING, OR CRACKING THE FRIENDLY WALNUT WITH THE CONDUCTORS, TO THE INCONVENIENCE AND INDIGNATION OF THE PASSENGERS. HOW IS THIS?]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPING.

_BY THE TIME MR. BRIGGS'S HORSE HAS RECOVERED FROM HIS COLD, A LONG FROST SETS IN._

_Groom._ "THAT'S JUST WHAT I SAY, SIR; IT IS AGGERAVATIN' TO SEE A NICE OSS LIKE THAT, SIR, A DOIN' NOTHIN' BUT EATIN' HIS 'ED OFF."]

TO BE SOLD--THE PROPERTY OF AN OFFICER GOING ABROAD.]

IT IS NECESSARY TO GET A HAT. TWO OR MORE PERSONS PLACE THEIR HANDS ON THE RIM THEREOF, THE LITTLE FINGERS OF EACH PERSON BEING IN CONTACT. IN ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES, OR HALF-AN-HOUR, OR PERHAPS MORE, THE HAT WILL BEGIN TO JUMP AND REVOLVE RAPIDLY.

(_N.B. The Party above with the Moustaches, thinks that in the pursuit of Science he could perform the experiment over and over again._)]

"HE LIVED NOT WISELY, BUT TOO WELL."]

"NOW, MARM, THIS GOES TO THE CHRISTIAL PALIS."

"BLESS THE MAN! I DON'T WANT NO CHRISTIAL PALISES. I AM GOIN' TO THE BOROUGH."]

THE BROOK-GREEN VOLUNTEER.

HAVING A COLD IN HIS HEAD, RESORTS TO AN INGENIOUS METHOD OF PRESERVING HIS HEALTH WITHOUT DESERTING HIS POST.]

THE BROOK-GREEN VOLUNTEER.

_THE BIVOUAC._]

_AT BUSINESS._

_Militia Man_ (_loq._). "ALEXANDER, WHEN YOU'VE TITTIVATED THAT GENT, YOU MUST COME TO DRILL."]

_Papa._ "SO, CHARLEY, YOU REALLY ARE IN LOVE WITH THE LITTLE BLACK-EYED GIRL YOU MET LAST NIGHT?"

_Charley._ "YES, PAPA, I LOVE HER DEARLY!"

_Papa._ "HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE HER, CHARLEY? DO YOU LOVE HER AS MUCH AS PUDDING?"

_Charley._ "OH YES, PAPA! AND A GREAT DEAL BETTER THAN PUDDING, BUT (_pausing to reflect_)--I DON'T LOVE--HER SO MUCH AS--JELLY!"]

WHEN EVERY MOMENT IS OF CONSEQUENCE, MR. FLAKE WHITE'S MODEL FOR HAMLET APPEARS WITH A BLACK EYE, WHICH HE DECLARES IS THE EFFECT OF INFLUENZA.]

THE BROOK-GREEN VOLUNTEER.

HAVING CURED HIS COLD WITH RUM-AND-WATER, RESOLVES NOT TO GO HOME "TILL DAY-LIGHT DOES APPEAR." HE ASSURES THE POLICEMAN THAT "IT'S ALL RIGHT."]

OWING TO THE MILDNESS OF THE SEASON, HE LOOKS UP HIS DUCKS.]

"THERE NOW; THAT'S A CIGAR I CAN CONFIDENTLY RECOMMEND."

"WELL; PUT ME UP A DOZEN TO TRY!"]

_Head of the Family._ "FOR WHAT WE ARE GOING TO RECEIVE, MAKE US TRULY THANKFUL.--HEM! COLD MUTTON AGAIN!"

_Wife of his Bussum._ "AND A VERY GOOD DINNER TOO, ALEXANDER, _SOMEBODY_ MUST BE ECONOMICAL. _PEOPLE_ CAN'T EXPECT TO HAVE _RICHMOND_ AND _GREENWICH_ DINNERS OUT OF THE LITTLE HOUSEKEEPING MONEY I HAVE."]

"RAILROADS, SIR? I HATE RAILROADS, AND I SHALL BE VERY GLAD WHEN THEY'RE DONE AWAY WITH, AND WE'VE GOT THE COACHES AGAIN."]

"I SAY, MISTER, JUST PUT US UP A COUPLE OF GREEN WEILS, WILL YER? THE DUST IS SO UNCOMMON DISAGREEABLE A-DRIVING DOWN TO HEPSOM!"]

THE BROOK-GREEN VOLUNTEER.

HAVING GIVEN HIMSELF LEAVE OF ABSENCE, HE ENJOYS A LITTLE DOMESTIC FELICITY.]

_First Swell._ "WHAT AN ASTONISHING COAT, GUS!"

_Second Do._ "YA-AS! YOU SEE ALL THE SNOBS DWESS SO INFERN'LY LOUD--THAT FWED AND I THOUGHT WE WOULD COME DOWN VEWY QUIET."]

A DESIGN, SHOWING HOW THE PRETTY HOODS WORN BY LADIES MIGHT BE MADE USEFUL AS WELL AS ORNAMENTAL.]

_Stout Gentleman._ "THAT'S THE WAY TO GO OVER A GATE! I DON'T THINK YOU LEFT ME SO FAR BEHIND THAT TIME."]

_Father of the Family._ "OH, IT'S ALL STUFF AND NONSENSE, MRS. G., IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MANAGED OVER AND OVER AGAIN BY THIS TIME."

_Mrs. G._ "LAW, MY DEAR, HOW YOU TALK! AND I'M SURE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PUT TO MUCH INCONVENIENCE."

_Mother-in-Law._ "THERE, THERE, JEMIMA. DON'T ANSWER HIM; IT'S QUITE RIDICULOUS."]

"COME ALONG, OLD FELLOW! HERE'S A POINT!"]

FIRST NIGHT IN THE NEW HOUSE--AWFUL DISCOVERY OF BLACK BEETLES.]

NO. I.

_Mamma._ "YOU ARE A DISAGREEABLE OLD BACHELOR, AND GENERALLY HATE CHILDREN, I KNOW--BUT ISN'T DEAR LITTLE WORMWOOD A FINE, NOBLE LITTLE FELLOW?"

_Old Gent._ "WELL, IF YOU WANT MY CANDID OPINION, I MAY AS WELL TELL YOU AT ONCE--THAT I THINK HIM THE MOST DETESTABLE LITTLE BEAST I EVER SAW--AND IF YOU IMAGINE I AM GOING TO LEAVE HIM ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU HAVE NAMED HIM AFTER ME, YOU ARE MIGHTILY MISTAKEN."]

NO. II.

_Artist No. 1._ "THERE, MASTER OKER, I FLATTER MYSELF THAT WILL TAKE THE SHINE OUT OF YOUR PRECIOUS PRODUCTION, ALTHOUGH YOU DO THINK NOBODY CAN PAINT BUT YOURSELF."

_Artist No. 2._ "HEY! DEAR, DEAR, DEAR! THAT'S VERY BAD. BY JOVE, MY BOY, IT'S A DREADFUL FALLING-OFF FROM LAST YEAR. IF I WERE YOU, I SHOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE I SENT IT IN."

_Artist No. 1._ "MERE ENVY.--ILLIBERAL HUMBUG."]

NO. III.

_Medical Man._ "STUPID OLD FOOL! WHY, THERE'S NOTHING THE MATTER WITH HIM, EXCEPT WHAT ARISES FROM HIS OVER EATING AND DRINKING HIMSELF--ONLY I CAN'T AFFORD TO TELL HIM SO."]

"PLEASE, SIR, GIVE US YOUR TICKET, IF YOU AIN'T A-GOIN' IN AGAIN."]

_Gentleman in Cart._ "I SAY, GUV'NOR, BRING US OUT A SPOONFUL O' GIN FOR THE OLD LADY, WILL YER?--AND I'LL TAKE A PINT O' MILD ALE--AND LOOK HERE. I DON'T WANT IT THICK--FOR I _AIN'T HUNGRY_!"]

_Swell on Horseback._ "WHY, CHARLEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, OLD BOY? YOU SEEM OUT OF SPIRITS."

_Swell on Foot._ "AH! I'VE HAD A SAD LOSS, FRED! I'VE LOST THE LITTLE GRIDIRON OFF MY CHATELAINE!!"]

"AND MELANCHOLY MARK'D HIM FOR HER OWN."]

_Canvasser._ "PRAY, GENTLEMEN, DON'T THINK OF WALKING TO THE POLLING BOOTH; I AM SURE YOUR TIME MUST BE VALUABLE, AND HERE'S A CARRIAGE QUITE AT YOUR SERVICE."]

_Harry_ (to TOM). "THERE'S ONE GREAT BORE ABOUT A WATERING-PLACE; THEY SELL SUCH HORRID CIGARS."]

DISTRESSING POSITION OF A SENTIMENTAL GENTLEMAN WHO WAS ABOUT TO OFFER HIS HAND AND HEART TO THE OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTIONS.]

NO. I.

FIRST GET YOUR SEASONED "SCREW."]

NO. II.

ABOUT FOUR MILES "DOWN THE ROAD" GET PROPERLY SPLASHED AT A PUBLIC-HOUSE.]

_City Gent_ (_who fancies himself a Judge of a Horse, and no end of a Swell_). "THAT'S A NICE LITTLE TIT, CABBY, AND BROUGHT US ALONG WELL!"

_Cabby._ "YESSIR! HE IS A NICE LITTLE 'OS, _HE_ IS--BUT LOR BLESS YER! HIS 'ART'S TOO BIG FOR HIS BODY. HE'S TOO GOOD FOR MY WORK! NOW HE'D JEST SUIT SUCH A GENT AS YOU--TO DRIVE A LIGHT TEA-CART ABOUT TOWN FOR ORDERS ON A WEEK-DAY, AND TAKE THE MISSUS OUT FOR THE DAY O' SUNDAYS!"]

NO. III.

AND RETURN HOME SMOKING A CHEROOT, TO THE ADMIRATION OF THE POPULACE.]

_Buyer._ "IS HE WELL BROKE?"

_Seller._ "LOR, BLESS YE! LOOK AT HIS KNEES!"]

_Beggar._ "DID YOU GET THE LAMB'S FRY?"

_His Child._ "ALL RIGHT."

_Beggar._ "WELL, NOW, RUN HOME AND TELL YER MOTHER NOT TO BOIL THE SPARRERGRASS TILL I COME."]

_London Merchant._ "WHY, WHAT IS THE USE OF YOUR BEING IN A RESPECTABLE HOUSE OF BUSINESS IF YOU PROCEED IN THIS ABSURD, VULGAR MANNER? NOW, TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, UNLESS YOU MEND VERY CONSIDERABLY, YOU WILL GO ON FROM BAD TO WORSE. YOU WILL BECOME A PETTY HUCKSTER; FROM THAT YOU WILL, IN ALL PROBABILITY, GET TO BE A MERE COMMON-COUNCILMAN; THEN AN ALDERMAN; WHEN, AFTER A COURSE OF GLUTTONY AND TOMFOOLERY, PAINFUL TO THINK OF, YOU WILL MAKE A RIDICULOUS TERMINATION TO YOUR CONTEMPTIBLE CAREER BY ACTUALLY BECOMING A +LORD MAYOR+."]

THE LADIES OF THE CREATION!

_THE PARLIAMENTARY FEMALE._

_Father of the Family._ "COME, DEAR; WE SO SELDOM GO OUT TOGETHER NOW--CAN'T YOU TAKE US ALL TO THE PLAY TO-NIGHT?"

_Mistress of the House and M.P._ "HOW YOU TALK, CHARLES! DON'T YOU SEE THAT I AM TOO BUSY. I HAVE A COMMITTEE TO-MORROW MORNING, AND I HAVE MY SPEECH ON THE GREAT CROCHET QUESTION TO PREPARE FOR THE EVENING."]

_THE DRAWING-ROOM._]

THE LADIES OF THE CREATION!

_THE DINING-ROOM._

_Lady of the House._ "NOW THEN, GIRLS! FILL YOUR GLASSES! BUMPERS! HERE'S JUST ONE TOAST WHICH I AM SURE YOU WILL ALL DRINK WITH PLEASURE. THE GENTLEMEN!!"]

_NATURALLY THE FEMALE THINKS SHOPPING VERY TIRESOME._

_Superior Creature._ "FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, EDWARD, DO COME AWAY! WHEN YOU ONCE GET INTO A SHOP, THERE'S NO GETTING YOU OUT AGAIN."]

THE LADIES OF THE CREATION!

_SPORTING FOR LADIES._]

_THE BAND AT ST. JAMES'S PALACE._]

THE LADIES OF THE CREATION!

_A "BUS" CONDUCTRESS._

_Old Gentleman._ "YOU ARE A VERY SAUCY, IMPUDENT WOMAN, AND I'LL CERTAINLY SUMMON YOU!"

_Conductress._ "THANK YE, SIR! (_To Driver._) GO ON, SARAH; NEVER MIND THE OLD COVE."]

_MARY PROTECTING THE WEAKER SEX._]

_THE ARREST BY BAILIFFS._

"AND SERVE HER RIGHT TOO--EXTRAVAGANCE IN A MAN IS, IN SOME DEGREE, EXCUSABLE, FOR HE KNOWS NO BETTER--BUT, IN A WOMAN, IT IS QUITE UNPARDONABLE."]

THE LADIES OF THE CREATION!

_MISS BROWN TAKES HER COUSIN OUT FISHING._

_Inferior Animal._ "OH DEAR! MISS BROWN! HERE'S A FISH TAKEN ALL MY BAIT. DO COME AND PUT ON ANOTHER WORM!"]

_THE WOMAN AT THE WHEEL._]

THE LADIES OF THE CREATION--BLOOMERISM.

_Visitor_ (_who is looking at the Print of the Bloomer Costume_). "WELL, NOW, UPON MY WORD, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING RIDICULOUS IN IT. _I_ SHALL CERTAINLY ADOPT IT."

_Strong-minded Lady._ "FOR MY PART, I SO THOROUGHLY DESPISE CONVENTIONALITY, THAT I HAVE ORDERED ALL MY NEW THINGS TO BE MADE IN THAT VERY RATIONAL STYLE!"]

THE SORT OF LEG THAT LOOKS WELL IN BLOOMER PETTILOONS.]

THE LADIES OF THE CREATION--BLOOMERISM.

_Superior Creature._ "SAY! OH, SAY, DEAREST! WILL YOU BE MINE?" &c., &c.]

_Old Gentleman._ "BEFORE I CAN ENTERTAIN YOUR PROPOSAL, AND GIVE MY CONSENT TO YOUR MARRYING MY SON, I MUST ASK YOU WHETHER YOU ARE IN A POSITION--A--TO--A--KEEP HIM IN THE STYLE TO WHICH--A--I MAY SAY--HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED? AHEM!"]

THE LADIES OF CREATION--BLOOMERISM.

_Maid._ "IF YOU PLEASE, MISS, THE DRESSMAKER HAS BROUGHT HOME YOUR NEW--AHEM--FROCK."]

(BEHIND THE COUNTER THERE IS ONE OF THE "INFERIOR ANIMALS.")]

THE LADIES OF CREATION--BLOOMERISM.

_Bloomer._ "MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF DANCING THE NEXT POLKA WITH YOU?"]

_Strong-minded Female._ "NOW, DO PRAY, ALFRED, PUT DOWN THAT FOOLISH NOVEL, AND DO SOMETHING RATIONAL. GO, AND PLAY SOMETHING ON THE PIANO; YOU NEVER PRACTISE NOW YOU'RE MARRIED."]

_EFFICIENCY OF FEMALE POLICE IN WHAT IS VULGARLY CALLED A "JOLLY ROW."_]

THE LADIES OF CREATION--BLOOMERISM.

_BLOOMERIANA--DREAM_]

THE LADIES OF THE CREATION--BLOOMERISM.

_First Sporting Gent_ (_reads_). "'+CAUTION+.--NO HORSEMAN WILL, ON ANY ACCOUNT, BE ALLOWED TO FOLLOW THE RACEHORSES OVER THE STEEPLE-CHASE COURSE.' DEAR ME! HOW PROVOKING! I SHOULD A LIKED TO HAVE POPPED OVER THIS BROOK!"

_Second Gent thinks they had better not interfere with any of the Regulations._]

_'Arry Belville._ "YES! I LIKE IT EXTREMELY. I LIKE THE _Lazy Ally_ SORT OF FEELING. I LIKE SITTING AT THE DOOR OF A _Caffy_ TO SMOKE MY CIGAR; AND ABOVE ALL _(onter noo)_ IT'S A GREAT COMFORT TO WEAR ONE'S BEARD WITHOUT BEING LARFED AT!"]

_French Official._ "YOU HAVE PASSPORT?"

_English Gent._ "NONO, MOSSOO."

_Official._ "YOUR NAME?"

_Gent._ "BELVILLE."

_Official_. "CHRISTIAN NOM?"

_Gent._ "'ARRY!"

_Official._ "PROFESSION?"

_Gent._ "+BANKER!+"]

_Belville._ "AHEM! PARDONG MOSSOO!--ESKER VOUS AVEY-A-SUCH A CHOSE AS A-A-UNE POT--A-THAT IS A-A-UNE PO YOU KNOW-DE-DE-DE BEAR'S GREASE? COMPRENNY?--BEAR'S GREASE?"]

_Mr. Puff._ "_MY_ BIRD. I THINK."

_Mr. Muff._ "BELONGS TO _ME_, I FANCY" &C. &C. &C.]

"WO--MARE. HANG IT!--ANYTHING IN REASON I DON'T MIND; BUT, AS A FATHER OF A FAMILY, I DON'T FEEL JUSTIFIED IN GOING AT SUCH A GATE AS THAT."]

_Cruel Little Puth._ "OH, HARRIET DEAR--PUT ON YOUR HAT AND LET US THEE THE STEAMBOAT COME IN. THE THEA IS THO ROUGH!--AND THE PEOPLE WILL BE _SO_ ABTHURDLY THICK!!!"]

"DON'T MOVE THERE, WE SHALL CLEAR YOU!"]

_Huntsman (to Officer going Abroad)._ "PLEASE BE SO GOOD, SIR, AS GIVE MY RESPECTS TO MASTER HARRY."

_Officer._ "OH! BUT MY BROTHER IS IN THE WEST INDIES, AND I AM GOING TO THE EAST."

_Huntsman_. "MAYHAP YOU'LL MEET AT T'COVER SIDE ALL THE SAME, SIR."]

_Undergraduate._ "YOU DON'T OBJECT TO SMOKING, I HOPE?"

_Old Party (probably a Director)._ "YES, SIR. I OBJECT VERY MUCH INDEED! IN FACT, I HAVE THE STRONGEST OBJECTION TO SMOKING!!!"

_Undergraduate._ "HM! HA! SOME PEOPLE HAVE."

[_Smokes for the next fifty miles._]

_Tom._ "WHICH DO YOU LIKE BEST FOR TROUSERS, BILL, CHECKS OR STRIPES?"

_Bill._ "WELL, I THINK CHECKS ARE UNCOMMON SUPERIOR, BUT STRIPES IS MOST NOBBY."]

_Charley (who is rather addicted to betting)._"--AND TALKING OF GOODWOOD RACES, WE'VE GOT SUCH A JOLLY SWEEP AT OUR CLUB!"

_Constance._ "A SWEEP, CHARLES!--WELL! I NEVER THOUGHT MUCH OF YOUR CLUB FRIENDS, BUT I DIDN'T THINK YOU ASSOCIATED WITH PEOPLE OF THAT SORT!"]

"WHY, YOU SEEM QUITE WRETCHED, FRANK!"

"WRETCHED, MY BOY! AH, YOU MAY IMAGINE HOW WRETCHED I AM, WHEN I TELL YOU I DON'T EVEN CARE HOW MY TWOWSERS ARE MADE!"]

_THE PERILS OF A COURT PRESENTATION._

_Clara._ "WELL, ROSE, DEAR, AND HOW DO YOU FEEL AFTER THE PARTY?"

_Rose._ "OH, PRETTY WELL; ONLY I HAVE HAD SUCH A HORRID DREAM! DO YOU KNOW, I DREAMT THAT THAT GREAT STUPID CAPTAIN DRAWLER UPSET A DISH OF TRIFLE OVER MY NEW LACE DRESS WITH THE BLUE SLIP?"]

_Unsophisticated Little Girl._ "NOW, YOU A'DONE, BILLY. IF YOU AIN'T QUIET DIRECTLY, I'LL GIVE YER TO THIS GREAT, BIG HUGLY MAN!"

[_Immense delight of Swell in gorgeous array._]

_Dean._ "WELL, SIR?"

_Small University Man (under the impression that he has irritated the Dean by his conspicuous moustachios)._ "I BELIEVE YOU WANTED TO SPEAK TO ME, SIR, ABOUT--ABOUT--MY MOUSTACHIOS!"

_Dean._ "SOME MISTAKE, SIR! I DIDN'T PERCEIVE THAT YOU HAD ANY!"]

_Exquisite (to the Mamma of Performer)._ "WHAT A PITY THAT GURL'S FRIENDS DON'T TAKE HER AWAY FROM THAT PIANO. SHE'S NOT BAD LOOKING, BUT SHE HAS GOT A VOICE LIKE A PEACOCK!!!"]

"I SAY, GRANNY! CHARLEY SUMMERS AND I ARE GOING TO TAKE LION OUT IN A BOAT FOR A SWIM--NOW IF YOU'LL GIVE ME A SHILLING WE WILL TAKE YOU AND THE GIRLS OUT FOR A ROW!"]

_Georgina (in riding habit)._ "WELL, DEAR! I DECLARE IT'S THE VERY IMAGE OF YOU! I NEVER!"

_Sarah Jane (who insists upon seeing the plate)._ "LIKE ME? FOR GOODNESS' SAKE DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, GEORGINA. I THINK IT'S PERFECTLY ABSURD! WHY, IT HAS GIVEN ME A STUPID LITTLE TURN-UP NOSE, AND A MOUTH THAT'S ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS!"]

_First._ "MY DEAR FRANK--WHAT IS THE MATTER, OLD BOY?"

_Second._ "OH! I AM DISTRESSED TO DEATH ABOUT MONEY MATTERS--I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHALL DO? WHY, HERE'S JENNY LIND COMING OUT ON THURSDAY, AND I POSITIVELY HAVEN'T THE MONEY TO PAY FOR A BOX!"]

_Angelina._ "WILL MY DARLING EDWIN GRANT HIS ANGELINA A BOON?"

_Edwin._ "IS THERE ANYTHING ON EARTH HER EDWIN WOULD NOT DO FOR HIS PET?--NAME THE BOON, OH, DEAREST--NAME IT!"

_Angelina._ "THEN, LOVE, AS WE DINE BY OURSELVES TO-MORROW, LET US, OH! LET US HAVE ROAST PORK, WITH PLENTY OF SAGE AND ONIONS!"]

_First Railway Porter._ "WHAT DOES HE SAY, BILL?"

_Second ditto._ "WHY, HE SAYS HE MUST HAVE A COMPARTMENT TO HISSELF, BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET ON WITHOUT HIS SMOKE!"]

_Gent._ "I SAY, MOSEY! WHY DON'T YER GO THE 'OLE 'OG, AND LET ALL YER BEARD GROW, LIKE ME?"]

_Master Tom (to Old Lady who is very nervous about fire)._ "IT'S ALL RIGHT, GRANMA! MY CANDLE IS OUT. I'M ONLY SMOKING MY USUAL WEED!"]

_Master Alfred (an ingenious Boy)._ "LOOK HERE, WALTER! SEE WHAT A JOLLY TARGET OLD AUNT BETSY'S ROUND HAT MAKES."]

"NOW, CHARLEY! HERE'S THAT PRETTY ROUND HAT AGAIN--WE _WILL_ HAVE A LOOK AT HER THIS TIME."]

_Servant Gal._ "OH! IF YOU PLEASE, MAM, THERE WAS ONE OTHER THINK I SHOULD LIKE TO 'AVE SETTLED."

_Lady._ "YES?"

_Gal._ "WHERE DO YOU GO TO THE SEA-SIDE IN THE SUMMER? BECAUSE I COULDN'T STOP AT A DULL PLACE AND WHERE THE HAIR WASN'T VERY BRACING!"]

_Lady._ "YOU DON'T MEAN TO TELL ME, MARY, THAT MY NEW CRYSTAL MILK JUG IS BRO----!"

_Mary._ "YES, 'M, IT'S THE ORKERDEST JUG AS HEVER I SEE--IT JEST TOOK AND TUMBLED RIGHT OFF ITS 'ANDLE!! WHICH IT'S LEFT ITS 'ANDLE IN MY 'AND, 'M."]

"AW! PUMMELL, WHAT DO I OWE YOU?"

"OH! NOT MUCH, SIR. IT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE."

"AW! NO. BUT I THINK OF TAKING THE BENEFIT OF THE ACT ABOUT CHRISTMAS; AND AS A MAN OF SYSTEM, I AM VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT EXACT AMOUNTS."]

_Maid._ "LAW BLESS YER! THAT AIN'T MISSUS'S OWN 'AIR; IT'S A WIG!"]

"NO-O-O. GOOD-NIGHT, OLD CHAP! BUSINESS IS THE SOUL OF PUNCTUALITY. I MUST GO NOW. I'VE GOT SOME BUSI-BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO--(_hic_)--LET-TERS TO--WRITE!"]

"THIS IS YOUR BED, SIR!"]

_Flora._ "OH, LET US SIT HERE, AUNT. THE BREEZE IS SO DELIGHTFUL."

_Aunt._ "YES, DOVE!--IT'S VERY NICE, I DARE SAY; BUT I WON'T COME ANY NEARER TO THE CLIFF, FOR I AM ALWAYS AFRAID OF _SLIPPING THROUGH THOSE RAILINGS_!"]

_Philanthropist._ "WHAT NOW, MY MAN?"

_Street Boy._ "THEY'VE BEEN AND GONE AND SPIKED MY PEA-SHOOTER!"]

"WHAT A STUNNING MEERSCHAUM YOU'VE GOT THERE, CHARLEY!"

"YES, I THINK IT WILL BE HANDSOME BY THE TIME I'VE PROPERLY COLOURED IT."]

_First Butcher-Boy._ "SO THEY'VE DONE AWAY WITH SMITHFEL!"

_Second Butcher-Boy._ "AH! THEY'LL SOON BE BOWLING OUT HALL OUR OLD INSTITOOSHUNS."]

"NOW, COLLINS YOU MUST GO OUT VERY DEEP, FOR I WANT TO TAKE A 'HEADER!'"]

_Flora._ "WELL, BUT, TOMMY! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN ROW BOTH OF US?"

_Tommy (who fancies himself a perfect Athlete in high condition)._ "ROW YOU! WHY, JUST YOU LOOK HERE; HERE'S A BICEPS MUSCLE FOR YOU!"]

_Housemaid._ "WELL, SOOSAN, I'VE MADE UP MY MIND NOT TO STOP 'ERE NO LONGER TO WORK LIKE NEGROES AS WE DO!"

_Cook._ "NOR I, NUTHER! BUT JUST TURN THE MEAT, WILL YOU, PLEASE, THE WHILST I FINISH MY CROCHET?"]

"WHOO!--WILL ANY JINTLEMAN BE SO ENGAGIN' AS TO THREAD ON THE TAIL OF ME REGISTHERED PALLYTOE?"]

_Old Lady._ "WHAT IS IT, BOY?"

_Boy._ "PLEASE'M--IT'S A PAIR OF WHITE SATING SHOES, AND THE LADY'S FAN WOT'S BIN MENDED--NAME OF MISS JULIER PEARLASH!"

_Old Lady._ "MISS!!!!!?????"

_Voice from the Area._ "OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, MUM. IT'S ME!"]

_Traveller._ "HOLLO! WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU ABOUT WITH THAT GRIDIRON?"

_Chambermaid._ "TO BE SURE, IT'S YER HONOUR'S BED I'M WARMING; AND AIN'T OUR WARMING-PAN ENGAGED FRYING SAUSAGES?"]

_Servant Gal._ "WELL, MAM--HEVERYTHINK CONSIDERED--I'M AFRAID YOU WONT SUIT ME. I'VE ALWAYS BIN BROUGHT UP GENTEEL; AND I COULDN'T GO NOWHERES WHERE THERE AIN'T NO FOOTMAN KEP'."]

_Servant Gal (who has quarrelled with her bread-and-butter)._ "IF YOU PLEASE, MA'AM, I FIND THERE'S COLD MEAT FOR DINNER IN THE KITCHEN, DID YOU EXPECT ME TO EAT IT?"

_Lady._ "OF COURSE I EXPECT YOU TO EAT IT, AND AN EXCELLENT DINNER, TOO."

_Servant._ "OH, THEN, IF YOU PLEASE'M, I SHOULD LIKE TO LEAVE THIS DAY WEEK."

[_Exit idiot._]

THE ONLY "PARTIES" WHO ENJOYED THE WET DAY.]

Enthusiast. "THIS IS REALLY ADMIRABLE!--I GET MY SWIM--AND A SHOWER BATH IN!"]

_Shopman._ "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR--BUT THE LADY LEFT HER PARASOL ON THE COUNTER!"

_Swell._ "HAW! YA--AS--NO! THAT IS, IT'S MY UMBRELLAW. THANKS! BY JOVE! HAW!"]

"MY EYE, TOM, WHAT A 'ORRID BORE IT MUST BE FOR THE HORFICER SWELLS, NOW WE'VE TOOK TO WEARIN' OUR MOOSTARCHERS. THE GALS CAN'T TELL US FROM THEM, NOW!"]

THE POPULAR AND AMUSING GAME AS AT PRESENT PLAYED IN THE PRINCIPAL THOROUGHFARES.]

_Smith._ "HOLLO! POSTER, AIN'T YOU PRECIOUS DRUNK, RATHER?"

_Post Boy._ "DRUNK! NOT A BIT OF IT."]

_Lady._ "WISH TO LEAVE? WHY, I THOUGHT, THOMPSON, YOU WERE VERY COMFORTABLE WITH ME!"

_Thompson (who is extremely refined)._ "HOH YES, MAM! I DON'T FIND NO FAULT WITH YOU, MAM--NOR YET WITH MASTER--BUT THE TRUTH HIS, MAM--THE HOTHER SERVANTS IS SO 'ORRID VULGAR, AND HIGNORANT, AND SPEAKS SO HUNGRAMMATICAL, THAT I REELY CANNOT LIVE IN THE SAME 'OUSE WITH 'EM--AND I SHOULD LIKE TO GO THIS DAY MONTH, IF SO BE HAS IT WON'T ILLCONVENIENCE YOU!"]

WHAT IS ENOUGH FOR ONE IS ENOUGH FOR TWO.]

_Patient (inhaling Ether)._ "THIS IS REALLY QUITE DELIGHTFUL--A MOST BEAUTIFUL DREAM."]

_Edward (to his Military Cousin)._ "NO! I SHAN'T! I SHAN'T GO AND SHOOT BLACKBIRDS; AND I TELL YOU WHAT, MASTER CHARLEY, YOU DRAGOON SWELLS WON'T HAVE QUITE SUCH A PULL UPON US CIVILIANS NOW, FOR WE ARE ALL GOING TO GROW BEARDS AND MOUSTACHIOS."]

_Shopman (to Ancient Party)._ "YES, MISS--THANK YOU, MISS--IS THERE ANY OTHER ARTICLE, MISS?--CAN WE SEND IT FOR YOU, MISS?"

[_Old Lady thinks it SUCH a nice shop, and SUCH well-behaved
young men._]

_'Ousemaid (from Town)._ "IS HANN JENKINS AT HOME?"

_Suburban Cook._ "NO, SHE HAS JUST GONE TO HER MILLINER'S!"

_'Ousemaid._ "THEN GIVE HER MY CARD, PLEASE, AND SAY, I 'OPE SHE GOT HOME SAFELY FROM THE BALL."]

"IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, MOTHER'S TOOK THE LOTION, AND RUBBED HER LEG WITH THE MIXTURE!"]

_First Young Lady._ "OH, DEAR. HOW DULL THE OLD TOWN IS, NOW ALL THE OFFICERS ARE GONE ABROAD!"

_Second ditto (a trifle older)._ "H'M--FOR MY PART, I'M VERY GLAD THEY'RE GONE, FOR THEY WERE ALWAYS FOLLOWING ONE ABOUT!"]

_Little Wife (eagerly opening the door for dear Edwin)._ "OH, SEE, DEAR, WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU--I'M SURE UNCLE HAS GOT YOU AN APPOINTMENT UNDER GOVERNMENT AT LAST--FOR HERE'S A LETTER MARKED IMMEDIATE, AND '_ON HER MAJESTY'S SERVICE!_'"

[_Poor little soul! what does she know about Rates and Taxes?_]

_Miss Flora Macfungus._ "I DARESAY YOU THINK ME A VERY ODD GIRL; AND, INDEED, MAMMA SAYS I'M A GIDDY, THOUGHTLESS CREATURE, AND"--

_Partner._ "OH, HERE'S A VACANT SEAT, I THINK."]

"STAND ON MY HEAD, MARM, FOR A PENNY."

"NO, LITTLE BOY--THERE IS A PENNY FOR KEEPING RIGHT END UPWARDS."]

_Railway Official._ "YOU'D BETTER NOT SMOKE, SIR!"

_Traveller._ "THAT'S WHAT MY FRIENDS SAY."

_Railway Official._ "BUT YOU _MUSN'T_ SMOKE, SIR!"

_Traveller._ "SO MY DOCTOR TELLS ME."

_Railway Official (indignantly)._ "BUT YOU _SHAN'T_ SMOKE, SIR!"

_Traveller._ "AH! JUST WHAT MY WIFE SAYS."]

NAUGHTY LITTLE BOY A "COCHIN" IT FOR THROWING STONES AT THE FOWLS.]

_Lydia._ "DON'T, HORACE.--LOOK AT OLD TOMKINS SITTING AT HIS WINDOW."]

_Amiable Experimentalist._ "MAKES A DELICIOUS SIDE-DISH, DOESN'T IT? BUT IT IS NOT THE COMMON MUSHROOM; IT'S A LARGE FUNGUS CALLED THE AGARICUS PROCERUS. IT GROWS SOLITARY IN HEDGE-ROWS, IS CALLED COLUBRINUS, FROM THE SNAKE-LIKE MARKINGS ON ITS STEM. THE PILEUS IS COVERED WITH SCALES, WHICH ARE FORMED BY THE BREAKING-UP OF THE MUD-COLOURED EPIDERMIS. AND----

[_General panic takes place._]

_Old Gentleman._ "WHY, FREDERICK, WHAT A DISGRACEFUL STATE YOU'RE IN, SIR!--WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"

_Frederick._ "COULDN'T--GET A SEAT--SO--I'VE BEEN--TO--TH'--CLUB."]

_Small Boy._ "NOW, THEN! ALL TOGETHER!"]

_-- Weatherspoon, Esq. (of the Oriana, R.V.S.)._ "I SAY, TOM, WHAT'S THAT LITTLE CRAFT WITH THE BLACK VELVET FLYING AT THE FORE, CLOSE UNDER THE LEE-SCUPPERS OF THE MAN-OF-WAR?"

_Honourable Binnacle (of the Matilda, R.V.Y.C.)._ "WHY, FROM HER FORE AND AFT RIG, AND THE CUT OF HER MAINSAIL, I SHOULD SAY SHE'S DOWN FROM THE PORT OF LONDON; BUT I'LL SIGNAL THE COMMODORE TO COME AND INTRODUCE US."]

"WE KNEW HOW IT WOULD BE--GIRLS HOLDING THOSE GREAT ROUND HATS OVER THEIR EYES, SO THAT THEY CAN'T SEE WHERE THEY ARE GOING.--WHY HERE'S FLORA PLUMLEY RUN RIGHT INTO THE ARMS OF THAT YOUNG HORACE SPANKER, WHO HASN'T A PENNY."_--Extract from our Aunt's Letter._]

_Old Lady (loquitur)._ "NOW, MY GOOD MAN, I HOPE YOU ARE SURE IT WOULD REALLY DO ME GOOD, BECAUSE I CANNOT TOUCH IT BUT AS MEDICINE!"]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION.--1851.

_Lodging-house Keeper._ "ON'Y THIS ROOM TO LET, MEM. A FOUR POST--A TENT--AND A VERY COMFORTABLE DOUBLE-BEDDED CHEST OF DRAWERS FOR THE YOUNG GENTLEMEN."]

"DOOCED GRATIFYING, AIN'T IT CHARLES, TO SEE SA MUCH IN-DASTRY?"]

"MON DIEU, ALPHONSE! REGARDEZ-DONC. COMMENT APPELLE-T-ON CETTE MACHINE LÀ?"

"TIENS, C'EST DRÔLE--MAIS JE NE SAIS PAS."]

A GENTLEMAN FROM THE COUNTRY MISTAKES THE CRYSTAL SENT BY THE DUKE OF DEVONSHIRE FOR THE KOH-I-NOOR DIAMOND.]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION.--1851

_Manager._ "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--A--I MEAN RESPECTED INDIVIDUAL,--IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE GREAT ATTRACTION OF THE EXHIBITION OF CRYSTAL PALACE, I BEG TO ANNOUNCE TO YOU THAT THIS RIDICULOUS FARCE OF OPENING MY THEATRE WILL NOT BE REPEATED; AND YOUR ORDER WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU ON APPLICATION AT THE BOX-OFFICE."]

_Foreigner (with profuse gesticulation)._ "PARDON, M'SIEU! FAUT-IL ALLER A DROITE, A GAUCHE, OU EN FACE, POUR ME RENDRE À PEEK-A-PEEK-A-DELEE?" (_Piccadilly._)]

_Waterman._ "VAT TIME WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HOT WATER, SIR?"]

_Mary._ "PLEASE, SIR, COOK'S GONE OUT FOR A HOLIDAY; AND MISSUS DIDN'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT NO DINNER, SIR. MISSUS WENT EARLY TO THE EXHIBITION WITH SOME LUNCH IN A BASKET, AND SAID SHE SHOULDN'T BE HOME UNTIL TEA TIME."]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION.--1851.

AN OLD GENTLEMAN, ANXIOUS THAT HIS WIFE SHOULD POSSESS SOME TRIFLE FROM THE GREAT EXHIBITION, PURCHASES (AMONGST OTHER THINGS) THE STUFFED ELEPHANT, AND THE MODEL OF THE DODO.]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION.--1851.

_Hatter._ "YOU COULDN'T HAVE A MORE BECOMING HAT, SIR--AND THEY'LL BE A GREAT DEAL WORN AT THE OPENING OF THE EXHIBITION."]

_Omnibus Man._ "OH, WHAT A HORRID SHAME TO PULL DOWN SUCH A B-B-B-BE-AUTIFUL B-B-B-UILDING!"]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION.--1851.

THEY CAN'T THINK WHERE MAMMA CAN HAVE GOT TO--THEY HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR HER EVERYWHERE.

[_N.B. The most remote Refreshment-room selected._]

_Visitor._ "PINT O' BEER, MISS, PLEASE."

_Miss._ "DON'T KEEP IT. YOU CAN HAVE A STRAWBERRY ICE AND A WAFER."]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION.--1851.

_PERFIDIOUS ALBION LETS HIS DRAWING-ROOM FLOOR TO A DISTINGUISHED FOREIGNER.--THE RESULT._]

_Waiter (to Chinaman)._ "VERY NICE BIRD'S-NEST SOUP, SIR?--YES, SIR!--RAT PIE, SIR, JUST UP--YES, SIR!--AND A NICE LITTLE DOG TO FOLLER--YES, SIR!"]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION.--1851.

HERE YOU HAVE A REPRESENTATION OF THAT NOBLE CHARACTER, THE BRITISH MERCHANT, TAKING LEAVE OF HIS SENSES--AND HIS BUSINESS--TO LOUNGE ABOUT THE CRYSTAL PALACE.]

THE TRADESMAN AT THE WEST END IS OBLIGED TO GIVE UP HIS TRADE, AND BREED POULTRY.]

_BRITANNIA HAS THE INDUSTRY OF ALL-THE-WORLD AND HIS WIFE, TO SPEND A FEW MONTHS WITH HER._]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION.--1851.

_THE CRUSH ROOM AT THE OPERA.--"MR. CHAWBACON'S CART STOPS THE WAY!_"]

_MR. CHAWBACON "COMING DOWN."_]

_FANCY PORTRAIT OF THE GENTLEMAN WHO HAS BEEN HONOURABLY =MENTIONED= BY PRINCE ALBERT!_

"HONOURABLY MENTIONED, INDEED! IS THAT ALL? SCANDALOUS!"]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION.--1851.

_DINNER-TIME AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE._]

MEMORIALS OF THE GREAT EXHIBITION--1851.

_THE GREAT DERBY RACE FOR EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-ONE._]

_Assiduous Young Curate._ "WELL, THEN, I DO HOPE I SHALL HAVE THE PLEASURE OF SEEING BOTH OF YOU NEXT SUNDAY!"

_Miner._ "OI, THEE MAY'ST COAM IF 'E WULL. WE FOIGHT ON THE CROFT, AND OLD JOE TANNER BRINGS TH' BEER."]

_Youthful Costermonger._ "NOW THEN, GUV'NER, 'AVE THE LAST ROPE FOR A PENNY!"]

_Porter._ "IS THIS YOUR LUGGAGE, SIR?"

_Piscator._ "CONFOUND IT, NO! WE WANT SOME FISHING-RODS, A CAN OF LIVE-BAIT, AND A HAMPER."

_Porter._ "OH--DO YOU, SIR? WHY, THEY'RE GONE ON TO BRISTOL."]

_Cook._ "WELL, TO BE SURE, MUM! LAST PLACE I WERE IN, MISSIS ALWAYS KNOCKED AT THE DOOR AFORE SHE COME INTO MY KITCHEN!!"]

_Old Gentleman._ "A VERY NASTY JUMP, THAT! I SHALL GO ROUND BY SHUFFLER'S BOTTOM."

_Juvenile._ "COME ALONG, OLD MAN! FOLLOW ME, AND I'LL SHOW YOU ALL THE SPORT."

[_Exit_ YOUNG HOPEFUL _over the palings_.]

GENTLEMEN RIDERS, WHO ARE SO LIKE PROFESSIONAL JOCKS, YOU CAN HARDLY TELL THE DIFFERENCE!]

_Lively Party_ (_charging_ ELDERLY GENTLEMAN _with his umbrella_). "HULLO, JONES!"

[_Disgust of_ ELDERLY PARTY, _whose name is_ SMITH.]

_Gipsy._ "HAVE YOUR FORTUNE TOLD, MY PRETTY GENTLEMAN?"

_Pretty Gent._ "OH! LAWK! DON'T MENTION IT!"]

"VELL, AARON, MY TEAR, 'AVE YER 'AD ANY SPORT?"

"PRETTY VELL. I'VE BAGGED FOUR ALLOTTEES AND TWO PROVISIONALS."]

_First Juvenile (in Cab)._ "WELL, CHARLEY, HAVE YOU HAD IT OUT WITH THE OLD BOY?"

_Second Juvenile._ "YA--AS; AND--AW--WHAT DO YOU THINK THE UNDUTIFUL OLD GOVERNOR SA--AYS?"

_First Juvenile._ "HAVEN'T THE LEAST ID--EAW."

_Second Juvenile._ "WHY, HE SA--AYS I MUST DO SOMETHING TO GET MY OWN LIVING!"

_First Juvenile._ "OH LAW! WHAT A HORRID BAW!"]

_Engineer._ "DON'T BE ALARMED, MA'AM, IT'S ONLY A DUMPY LEVELLER."

_Old Lady._ "LAW! DEAR NOW! WELL, I'M SURE I THOUGHT IT WAS A BLUNDERBUST. BUT DON'T FIRE IT OFF, YOUNG MAN, TILL I'M GOT BY, FOR I WAS ALWAYS TERRIBLE FEARED OF GUNS."]

_Customer._ "HI! JAMES."

_Potboy._ "NOW THEN, WHAT IS IT?"

_Customer._ "JUST POP MY ARF-AN-ARF IN THE HICE FOR A MINIT. THAT'S A GOOD LAD."]

_First Cabby (who is run up against)._ "NOW, THEN! 'VHERE DID YOU PICK UP THAT OLD STRAWBERRY POTTLE YOU CALLS A CAB?"