Chapter I: Part 1

Transcriber's Note: Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. Irregularities and inconsistencies in the text have been retained as printed. Words printed in italics are noted with underscores: _italics_ and, in bold typeface, thus: =bold=.

JOHN LEECH'S
PICTURES
OF LIFE AND
CHARACTER

From the Collection of "MR. PUNCH."

LONDON:
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., 8, 9, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C.
1887.

LONDON:
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS

JOHN LEECH'S PICTURES

OF

LIFE AND CHARACTER.

_Pretty Cousin._ "WHAT A TIRESOME GREAT AWKWARD BOY YOU ARE!--JUST SEE HOW YOU HAVE SCRATCHED MY CHIN!"

[_Young Gentleman apologises amply._

[

_Augustus._ "NOW, I'VE GOT YOU!"]

_Old Party from the Country_ (_with much wheezing and embarrassment_). "I--I--WANT TO GO TO--TO--TO----"

_Conductor_ (_with alacrity_). "ALL RIGHT, OLD BOY! JUMP IN! I KNOW--_CATTLE SHOW_!"]

_Harriet._ "THEN, I SUPPOSE, PAPA DEAR, THAT THESE ARE =LEARNED= PIGS, AS THEY HAVE ALL GOT GOLD MEDALS?"]

_Mr. Punch._ "NOW, BOYS AND GIRLS! YOU MUST FIND OUT THE USE OF THESE GLOBES BEFORE YOU GO BACK TO SCHOOL!"]

_Reynard the Fox._ "HERE'S AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS, MY BOYS, FOR YOU, AND MANY OF 'EM."]

"NOW, YOU BOYS HAD BETTER BE QUIET, OR I SHALL CALL THE POLICE, AS SURE AS YOU'RE BORN."]

_Master Jack._ "MAMMA, DEAR! NOW ISN'T THIS CALLED KISSMAS TIME, BECAUSE EVERYBODY KISSES EVERYBODY UNDER THE MISTLETOE? ADA SAYS IT ISN'T."]

_Miss Gushington._ "OH, DON'T YOU LIKE CHRISTMAS TIME, MR. BROWN, AND ALL ITS DEAR OLD CUSTOMS?"

[BROWN _don't seem to see it._

]

_Ellen_ (_who is so simple_). "NOW, PRAY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, FRANK! WHAT IS IT THESE DREADFUL GAROTTERS CALL 'GIVING ONE THE HUG?'"

[FRANK _shows her presently_.

]

RICH OLD LADY IS OVERWHELMED WITH BARRELLED OYSTERS FROM DISTANT RELATIVES.]

THAT DISTINGUISHED RIFLE-SHOT, MR. PUNCH, HAVING DONE HIS DUTY LIKE A MAN, THROWS HIMSELF UNDER THE MISTLETOE, AND RECEIVES HIS JUST REWARD.]

_Mamma._ "WHO IS THIS HAMPER FOR?--WHY, FOR POOR JERRY, WHO IS AT SCHOOL, YOU KNOW."

_Darling_ (_reflectively_). "OH!--DON'T YOU THINK, MA, I HAD BETTER GO TO SCHOOL?"]

_Jessie._ "AND SO, WALTER, YOU HAVE LITTLE PARTIES AT YOUR SCHOOL, EH?"

_Walter._ "AH! DON'T WE, JUST!--LAST HALF THERE WAS CHARLEY BOGLE, AND GEORGE TWISTER AND ME--WE JOINED YOU KNOW--AND HAD TWO POUNDS OF SAUSAGES, COLD, AND A PLUM CAKE, AND A BARREL OF OYSTERS, AND TWO BOTTLES OF CURRANT WINE!--OH, MY EYE! WASN'T IT JOLLY, NEITHER!"]

_Georgina._ "WELL, GUS! AND HOW DID YOU LIKE YOUR PARTY LAST NIGHT?"

_Gus._ "OH, JOLLY--I GOT ELEVEN ICES, AND NO END OF NEGUS, AND WENT DOWN FOUR TIMES TO SUPPER!!"]

"BEEN TO THE PLAY MUCH THESE HOLIDAYS, FRED?"

"AW--I WENT THE OTHER NIGHT. BUT, AW--I DON'T KNOW--SOMEHOW, PANTOMIMES ARE NOT WHAT THEY USED TO BE IN MY TIME; AND AS FOR THE GURLS, THERE WASN'T A GOOD-LOOKING ONE IN THE HOUSE."]

A DISCREET (!) FRIEND HAVING PRESENTED MASTER TOM WITH A TOOL-BOX AS A NEW YEAR'S GIFT--THE FURNITURE IS PUT INTO THOROUGH REPAIR]

GRAND PEACE DEMONSTRATION IN OUR NURSERY!]

_Delightful Boy._ "OH! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO! I'LL GO AND PLAY MY DRUM AT UNCLE FOOZLE'S DOOR!"]

_Arthur_ (_on Pony_). "HOLLO! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON YOUR HEADS?"

_Juvenile Swell._ "WHY, YOU SEE, EVERY SNOB WEARS A CAP OR A WIDE-AWAKE NOW! SO THE MEN OF OUR SCHOOL HAVE RETURNED TO THE OLD CHIMNEY-POT!"

[_As Paterfamilias, we are sorry to say that we have observed this
monstrosity many times this Christmas._

]

_Small Boy._ "GOING TO THE PANTOMIME, CLARA, THIS AFTERNOON?"

_Clara._ "A--NO--I'M AT HOME--AND HAVE A KETTLEDRUM AT THREE O'CLOCK!"]

"PRETTY SIGHT, AIN'T IT, CHARLEY, TO SEE THE YOUNGSTERS ENJOYING THEMSELVES?"]

_Juvenile._ "MAMMA, DEAR! DO YOU KNOW THAT GENTLEMAN TICKLED ME WITHOUT BEING INTRODUCED!"]

_Papa._ "WHY, TOM, I'M AFRAID YOU MUST HAVE EATEN TOO MUCH CAKE LAST NIGHT. YOU LOOK QUITE SEEDY THIS MORNING!"

_Little Sister._ "OH, NO, PAPA DEAR, IT CAN'T BE THAT. HE EAT THE THINGS OUT OF THE CRACKERS, BUT HE DIDN'T TOUCH THE SEED CAKE!"]

_Sensitive Young Lady._ "POOR CREATURES! NOTHING BUT EATING AND SLEEPING! WHAT A DREADFUL EXISTENCE!"

_Stout Youth._ "DREADFUL EXISTENCE!--OH, AH! I DARE SAY. WHY, THAT'S JUST THE VERY THING OF ALL OTHERS I SHOULD LIKE THE BEST!"]

A DELIGHTFUL RECREATION FOR YOUTH, WHICH COMBINES HEALTHFUL EXERCISE WITH THE LUXURY OF WINDOW-BREAKING, WITHOUT DANGER OR EXPENSE.]

_Street Boy._ "I SAY, COOKY? THEY JUST ARE A-FININ' OF 'EM ALL ROUND THE SKVARE--GIVE US A SHILLIN' AND I'LL SWEEP YOUR DOOR AFORE THE PLEECEMAN COMES."]

_Skate Proprietor._ "NOW MARM! 'AVE A PAIR ON?"]

_Two little Stoopids_ (_with one voice_). "I KNOW I SHALL SCREAM--I'M SURE I SHALL!"]

_Elder Sister._ "WHY, GEORGE NOT DRESSED! PRAY ARE YOU NOT GOING WITH THE OTHER CHILDREN?"

_George_. "H'M! I SHOULD RATHER FANCY NOT.--YOU DON'T CATCH ME GOING OUT OF AN EVENING JUST TO FURNISH PEOPLE'S ROOMS. WHERE I GO--I DINE!"]

_Boy of the Period._ "GO IT TOMMY! THERE'S NO PERLICE, AND THE OLD GENT'S AFRAID TO COME OUT!"]

"OH! HERE'S A JOLLY SNOWBALL. LET'S TAKE and PUT IT AGIN SOMEBODY'S DOOR!"]

OF ALL FOOLISH THINGS, THE MERE PUN IS PERHAPS THE MOST FOOLISH.--NOW, HERE'S A FELLOW (PROBABLY A MEMBER OF THE ST--CK EXCH--GE) WHO, IN SPITE OF HIS REALLY PERILOUS CONDITION, SAYS, "THAT HE CAME OUT FOR A (W)HOLE HOLIDAY--AND HAS GOT IT!"]

_Mistress._ "NOW, I DO HOPE, SAMUEL, YOU WILL MAKE YOURSELF TIDY, GET YOUR CLOTHES LAID IN TIME--AND TAKE GREAT PAINS WITH YOUR WAITING AT TABLE!"

_Samuel_ (_who has come recently out of a Strawyard_). "YEZ, M'! BUT PLEAZ M', BE OI TO WEAR MY BREECHES?"]

"NOW, LOBSTER! KEEP THE POT A-BILING!"]

_Amy_ (_to Rose_). "GOOD GRACIOUS, ROSE--I'M AFRAID, FROM THE WAY THE MAN TALKS, THAT HE IS INTOXICATED!"

_Cabby_ (_impressively_). "BEG PARD'N, MISS!--N-N-NOT (HIC)--INTOSSI-TOSSI-CATED (HIC)--ITSH ONLY SHLIGHT 'PED-PED-PEDIMENT IN SPEESH, MISS!"]

_Sensible Man_ (_who despises conventionality_). "HAH! THE WORLD MAY SMILE, BUT IT'S VERY WARM AND COMFORTABLE."]

YOU MAY BATHE IN THE SERPENTINE FROM 6 UNTIL 7 IN THE MORNING, AND 7 UNTIL 8 IN THE EVENING.]

_Boy._ "MY EYE, TOMMY! THERE'S THE HELEPHANT FROM THE S'LOGICAL GARDENS GOING A-SKATING!"]

_Juvenile._ "I SAY, HARRIET--DO US A FAVOUR?"

_Pretty Cousin._ "WELL, WHAT IS IT?"

_Juvenile._ "GIVE US A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR TO TAKE BACK TO SCHOOL."]

OUR DEAR OLD PATERFAMILIAS TAKES HIS OFFSPRING TO SEE THE PANTOMIME. UNFORTUNATELY, "THE ROADS" (AS THE CABMAN SAYS) "IS SO ORRIBUL BAD AND SLIPPY," THAT HE IS OBLIGED TO WALK WITH HIS DARLINGS THE GREATER PART OF THE WAY HOME.]

_Paterfamilias_ (_to Youth who goes with his Pony well across country_). "HOLLO! HUGH, MY BOY! DON'T YOU LIKE DANCING?"

_Youth._ "A--NO! I DON'T SEEM TO CARE FOR BALLS--FEW _HUNTING MEN DO_!!!"]

_Omnibus Driver._ "BILL! JIST BREAK THIS 'ERE ICICLE ORF MY NOSE WITH YER WHIP, THAT'S A GOOD FELLER! IT TAKES BOTH MY HANDS TO KEEP THESE 'OSSES ON THEIR LEGS."]

_First Juvenile._ "I WONDER WHAT CAN MAKE HELEN HOLDFAST POLK WITH YOUNG ALBERT GRIG?"

_Second Ditto._ "DON'T YOU KNOW? WHY, TO MAKE ME JEALOUS! BUT SHE HAD BETTER NOT GO TOO FAR!"]

_Grandpapa._ "HEYDAY! WHAT MAKES MY LITTLE DARLING SO CROSS?"

_Little Darling._ "WHY, GRANDPA, MAMMA WANTS ME TO GO TO A PANTOMIME IN THE DAY-TIME, AS IF I WAS A MERE CHILD!"]

HOW YOUNG GENTLEMEN FROM SCHOOL GO TO SEE A PANTOMIME NOW-A-DAYS.]

_Boy._ "I SAY, JOHN, AIN'T YOUR MASTER A LOOKIN' FOR YOU, NEETHER!"]

_Sister._ "NOT GIVE A BALL, CHARLES! FIDDLE! WHY NOT? I TELL YOU WHAT,--IF YOU WILL FIND THE ROOM, AND THE MUSIC, AND THE SUPPER, AND THE CHAMPAGNE, AND THE ICES,--I'LL FIND THE LADIES! COME NOW!"]

PATERFAMILIAS INSISTS THAT THE GIRLS SHALL WEAR VERY STOUT BOOTS IN THE WET WEATHER; BUT THE GIRLS DON'T AT ALL LIKE "=THE NASTY, GREAT, UGLY, CLUMSY, THICK THINGS!="]

AS MAJOR--AND CAPTAIN--OF THE 13TH LIGHT POLKERS WERE SKATING WITH THE LOVELY AND ACCOMPLISHED EMILY D---- AND HARRIET V----, THEIR FEELINGS SUDDENLY GAVE WAY; THEY BROKE THE ICE, AND WE HEAR THEY HAVE NOT YET BEEN EXTRICATED FROM THEIR PERILOUS SITUATION.]

_Paterfamilias._ "WELL, BOYS! I DARE SAY YOU'RE GLAD TO GET HOME; AND HOW DO YOU AND THE DOCTOR AGREE!"

_Harry._ "OH! WE LIKE HIM VERY MUCH."

_Paterfamilias._ "HAH! AND DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MAKING GOOD PROGRESS?"

_Harry._ "OH! PRETTY GOOD! I CAN LICK THREE FELLOWS! BUT FRED, HERE, CAN LICK _SIX, COUNTING ME!_"]

_First Juvenile._ "THAT'S A PRETTY GIRL TALKING TO YOUNG ALGERNON BINKS!"

_Second Juvenile._ "HM--TOL-LOL! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER SOME SEASONS AGO!"]

_Rude Boy._ "AH! HERE'S THE P'LEECE A-COMIN'; WON'T YOU CATCH IT FOR SLIDING ON THE PAVEMENT!"]

A PRIVATE BOX FOR ENGLAND'S DEAR BOYS ON FOREIGN SERVICE.]

_Skate Proprietor_ (_to Spectator with wooden leg_). "'AVE A PAIR ON, SIR!--AX YER PARDIN, SIR--DIDN'T TWIG YER MISFORTIN. I'VE A HODD 'UN YOU CAN 'AVE, SIR!"]

THE POOR OLD PARTY HAS COME OUT ALL OVER FEATHERS.]

_Billy Wilkins._ "HI! LOOK HERE! COME! SUCH A LARK! HERE'S A PERLICEMAN FELL ON A SLIDE!"]

TOMKINS, WHO HAS JUST PAID HIS RATE FOR PAVING, CLEANSING, &C., GOES FOR A WALK IN HIS IMMEDIATE NEIGHBOURHOOD. HE IS, OF COURSE, MUCH GRATIFIED AT THE WAY IN WHICH THE CLEANSING PART OF THE BUSINESS IS MANAGED.]

_Party in Bed._ "HEY! HOLLO! WHO'S THAT?"

_Domestic._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, IT'S SEVEN O'CLOCK, SIR! YOUR SHOWER-BATH IS QUITE READY. I'VE JUST BROKEN THE ICE, SIR!"]

_Better-Half_ (_loq._). "IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL SITTING UP WITH A SICK FRIEND, MR. WILKINS?"]

_Master Robert_ (_loq._). "HERE, JAMES, JUST STAND BY THAT BAY FILLY.--SHE'S RATHER FRESH THIS MORNING!"]

_Door-Keeper._ "BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR--BUT YOU MUST, INDEED, SIR, BE IN FULL DRESS!"

_Snob_ (_excited_). "FULL DRESS!! WHY, WHAT DO YER CALL THIS?"]

"OH! HERE'S A JOLLY SLEDGE!"]

_Skater._ "HI!--HOLLO!--WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT?--IT'S GOING INTO MY FOOT!"

_Skate Proprietor._ "NEVER MIND, SIR!--BETTER 'AV 'EM ON FIRM!"]

"OH, JOEY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"]

"IT'S QUITE TRUE, MUM!"]

_Clown_ (_loq._). "PRETTY CREECHUR!"]

"WANT YOUR DOOR DONE, MUM?"]

_Flyman._ "WERRY SORRY, MUM, I'M SURE, MUM--BUT THE OSS AIN'T ROUGHED, AND HE CAN'T GO A STEP FURDER!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF FISHING.

MR. B. AS HE APPEARED FROM SIX IN THE MORNING UNTIL THREE IN THE AFTERNOON, WHEN----]

HAVING HOOKED A "FISH," HE IS LANDED TO PLAY IT. THE FISH RUNS AWAY WITH HIM--AND MR. B. IS DRAGGED ABOUT A MILE AND A HALF OVER WHAT HE CONSIDERS A RATHER DIFFICULT COUNTRY.]

_First Undergraduate._ "HOLLO, CHARLEY! AIN'T YOU GOING OUT TO-DAY?"

_Second Undergraduate_ (_driving_). "WHY, NO--NOT THIS MORNING. YOU SEE I'M ONLY A ONE-HORSE MAN, AND AS I HAVE HUNTED HIM THREE TIMES THIS WEEK, I THOUGHT I'D GIVE HIM A DAY'S REST IN THE DOG-CART!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF FISHING.

ON ARRIVING AT "HELL'S HOLE," HE IS DETAINED FOR THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR, WHILE THE FISH SULKS AT THE BOTTOM.----]

THE FISH HAVING REFRESHED HIMSELF, AND RECOVERED HIS SPIRITS, BOLTS AGAIN WITH MR. B.]

"I SAY, JACK! WHO'S THAT COME TO GRIEF IN THE DITCH?"

"ONLY THE PARSON!"

"OH, LEAVE HIM THERE, THEN! HE WON'T BE WANTED UNTIL NEXT SUNDAY!"]

"NOW, MARM, HERE'S A PLACE TO STAND ON. YER MAY SEE EVERY THINK; AND ONLY SIXPENCE!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF FISHING.

AFTER A LONG AND EXCITING STRUGGLE, MR. B. IS ON THE POINT OF LANDING HIS PRIZE WHEN--THE LINE UNFORTUNATELY BREAKS!]

HOWEVER, IN MUCH LESS TIME THAN IT HAS TAKEN TO MAKE THIS IMPERFECT SKETCH--ACCOUTRED AS HE IS--HE PLUNGES IN--AND AFTER A DESPERATE ENCOUNTER, HE SECURES A MAGNIFICENT SALMON, FOR WHICH HE DECLARES HE WOULD NOT TAKE A GUINEA A POUND!--AND IT IS NOW STUFFED IN THE GLASS-CASE OVER THE ONE WHICH CONTAINS HIS LATE FAVOURITE SPOTTED HUNTER.]

_Equestrian._ "HERE, BOY! COME AND HOLD MY HORSE."

_Boy._ "DOES HE KICK?"

_Equestrian._ "KICK! NO!"

_Boy._ "DOES HE BITE?"

_Equestrian._ "BITE! NO! CATCH HOLD OF HIM."

_Boy._ "DOES IT TAKE TWO TO HOLD HIM?"

_Equestrian._ "NO."

_Boy._ "THEN HOLD HIM YOURSELF."

[_Exit_ BOY, _performing_ "_Pop goes the Weasel_."

]

"ALL THE NEW WORKS ARE OUT, MISS. BUT HERE'S THE SECOND VOLUME OF THE 'SCOTTISH CHIEFS'--OR HERE'S 'CAMPBELL'S PHILOSOPHY OF RHETORIC,' IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ THAT."]

_William._ "THERE, AMY! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THOSE FOR A PAIR OF MOUSTACHES?"

_Amy._ "WHY, I SHOULD SAY THAT CALLING THOSE MOUSTACHES WAS GIVING TO 'HAIRY NOTHINGS A LOCAL HABITATION AND A NAME.'"

[_For shame_, Amy!

]

_The Lady Emmeline._ "NO, DEAREST CONSTANCE, I AM NOT UNHAPPY, THESE ARE TEARS OF JOY! FOR SEE HOW THE DEAR LORD AUBREY WRITES--(_Reads an advertisement_)--'_I have much pleasure in giving my testimony to the skill of Professor Puffenburg, who has extracted two very troublesome corns without causing me any pain._--_De Belgrave._' DEAR, DEAR AUBREY, THEN YOU ARE HAPPY!"]

_Foxhunter._ "HERE'S A BORE, JACK! THE GROUND IS HALF A FOOT THICK WITH SNOW, AND IT'S FREEZING LIKE MAD!"]

_Lady._ "YOU WISHED, SIR, I BELIEVE, TO SEE ME RESPECTING THE STATE OF MY DAUGHTER'S AFFECTIONS, WITH A VIEW TO A MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCE WITH THAT YOUNG LADY. IF YOU WILL WALK INTO THE LIBRARY, MY HUSBAND AND I WILL DISCUSS THE SUBJECT WITH YOU."

_Young Corydon._ "OH, GRACIOUS!!!"]

_Boy._ "PLEASE, SIR, GIVE ME A BROWN?"

_Swell._ "SIXPENCE IS THE SMALLEST MONEY I HAVE, MY LITTLE LAD."

_Boy._ "VEL, SIR, I'LL GET YER CHANGE; AND IF YER DOUBTS MY HONOUR, =HOLD MY BROOM=!"]

_Stout Party._ "WELL, I'M SURE! WHAT CAN POSSESS THOSE SKINNY CREATURES TO WEAR ROUND HATS, I CAN'T THINK,--MAKING THEMSELVES SO CONSPICUOUS!"]

_Garçon_ (_to London Gent_). "VOILÀ! M'SIEU! LE CHARIVARI--FRENCH PUNCH. GOOD MORNING SARE! OH, I SPEAK INGLEES VERRA WELL--I LIVE IN INGLEES COPPLE TRREE MUNSE. OH YAS--ALL RIGHT! NEVARE MIND!!"

[_Jumps over three chairs and vanishes to the great astonishment of_ TOMKINS.

]

_Smythe_ (_to_ MUGGINS, _who, in the heat of the moment, has been drinking his wine out of tumblers_). "THERE, MY BOY! THAT'S SUCH A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AS YOU DON'T GET EVERY DAY--AND BETWEEN YOU AND ME (_very confidentially_) BETWEEN--YOU--AND ME--I ONLY GAVE _FOUR AND TWENTY SHILLINGS A DOZEN FOR IT_!"

[_Exit_ MUGGINS _for an antidote_.

]

_Mrs. Muggins._ "WHAT! FOURTEEN ON YE SLEEP UNDER THAT GIG UMBRELLER OF A THING? GET ALONG WITH YER!"]

_Little Gent._ "MORNIN' MY LORD!--GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT AGAIN!--WHAT I LIKE ABOUT FOX-'UNTING IS, THAT IT IMPROVES THE BREED OF 'ORSES--AND BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER AS WOULDN'T OTHERWISE MEET!"]

_Party in the Cart_ (_to Tomkins, who is immensely proud of his Steed_). "I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR, BUT YOU DON'T 'APPEN TO 'AV =ANOTHER= CAMEL AS YOU WANT TO DISPOSE OF?"]

_Beautiful Being._ "WELL, I MUST SAY, PARKER, THAT I LIKE THE HAIR DRESSED À L'IMPÉRATRICE. IT SHOWS SO MUCH OF THE FACE."]

_Augustus._ "ARE YOU FOND OF MOUSTARSHERS, EMILY?"

_Emily._ "YES! I THINK THEY LOOK VERY WELL UPON SOME PEOPLE."

_Augustus._ "AH! THEN THAT SETTLES THE POINT. I _SHALL LET MINE GROW_."]

_Artist._ "NOW, DON'T HESITATE TO SAY IF YOU SEE ANYTHING I CAN ALTER OR IMPROVE."

_Candid Friend._ "HM! WELL! NO! I DON'T SEE ANYTHING--UNLESS, PERHAPS, YOU-A MIGHT REPAINT THE PRINCIPAL FIGURES, AND--I--YES--I SHOULD CERTAINLY GET A NEW BACKGROUND IN."]

THIS JOLLY OLD PATER KNOWS WHAT A SMILING WELCOME AWAITS HIM WHEN HE BRINGS HIS TREASURES HOME.]

_Policeman._ "HULLO, JACK! I SUPPOSE YOU'RE NOT SORRY TO COME ON LAND FOR A BIT?"

_Jack_ (_who hasn't got his shore legs yet_). "WELL, IT AIN'T SUCH A BAD PLACE FOR A DAY OR TWO--ONLY IT'S SO PRECIOUS DIFFICULT TO WALK STRAIGHT!"]

OUR FRIEND, 'ARRY BELVILLE, IS SO KNOCKED ALL OF A HEAP BY THE BEAUTY OF THE FOREIGN FISH-GIRLS, THAT HE OFFERS HIS 'AND AND 'ART TO THE LOVELY PAULINE.]

"RUN, BILL--RUN AND BRING HISABELLER--HERE'S A CHIMNEY A-FI-ER!!"]

_Mr. Bounce._ "I TELL YOU WHAT, OLD BOY, FINISH THAT, AND YOU SHALL HAVE SOME OF MY _PECULIAR_ OLD PORT. I'VE HAD IT IN BOTTLE MYSELF NINE YEARS."]

THE DISTURBER OF THE PEACE OF PRIVATE FAMILIES.]

_Foot Boy._ "WELL, SIR, MASTER HIS AT 'OME, BUT HE'S CONFINED TO HIS ROOM. HE'S A GROWIN' OF HIS MOOSTARSHERS, AND AIN'T ALLOWED TO SEE NOBODY BUT HIS 'AIRDRESSER."]

_Commercial Gent._ "THIS WAR, SIR, WILL BE A TERRIBLE HINDRANCE TO ALL KINDS OF BUSINESS!"

_Swell._ "AW--DESSAY! D'LIGHTED TO HEAR IT--A ALWAYS HAD THE GWEATEST AVERSION T' ALL KINDS OF BUSINESS."]

_Lady's-Maid._ "WELL, I'M SURE, MR. ROBERT! I THINK YOU MIGHT FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN LOLLOPING ABOUT IN THAT GREAT EASY CHAIR. YOU MIGHT GO AND HELP IN THE HAY-FIELD, ONE WOULD THINK!"

_Flunkey._ "OH, YES! AND A NICE FIGGER _I_ SHOULD BE! WOT WOULD MISSUS SAY, PRAY, IF I WENT AND SPYLED MY COMPLEXION, AND MADE MY 'ANDS 'ARD?"]

_Lieutenant Whobble_ (_who has just been embodied_). "HAH! THIS IS SOMETHING LIKE! INFINITELY BETTER THAN THE RIDICULOUS OLD COATEE!!"]

_Mr. Kiddlums._ "WELL, ELIZABETH--I HOPE WE SHALL HAVE A PRIZE BABY SHOW HERE--AND THEN--I FLATTER MYSELF--...."]

_Servant_ (_rushing in_). "OH! GRACIOUS GOODNESS, MASTER! THERE'S THE KITCHEN CHIMLEY A-FIRE--AND TWO PARISH INGINS KNOCKING AT THE STREET DOOR!"]

_Exquisite._ "AW, DRIVAW--HAVE YOU A GOOD HORSE?"

_Cabman._ "YES, SIR! A WERRY GOOD OSS."

_Exquisite._ "AW! THEN DRA-IVE ME TO NEXT DOOR."]

WHEN COALS ARE SO DEAR, IT BEHOVES EVERY FAMILY MAN TO SEE THAT HE GETS THE PROPER NUMBER OF SACKS FOR HIS MONEY. PATERFAMILIAS DOES HIS DUTY LIKE A MAN, ALTHOUGH THE COALS ARRIVE JUST AT HIS DINNER-TIME, AND THE WEATHER IS RATHER INCLEMENT.]

_First Militia-man._ "JIM, YOU BAIN'T IN STEP."

_Second Ditto._ "BAIN'T I? WELL, CHANGE YOUR'N."]

_Irritated Swell._ "RING? YES, OF COURSE I RUNG! HOW THE DEUCE DO YOU SUPPOSE I'M TO DO MY BACK HAIR WITH ONLY ONE CANDLE?"]

MR. HACKLE ARRIVES AT HIS FAVOURITE SPOT, WHERE HE KNOWS THERE IS A GOOD TROUT.]

_Young Lady_ (_inclining to embonpoint_). "I SHALL WANT HIM AGAIN THIS AFTERNOON--FROM TWO TO FOUR."]

_Enter_ HORRID BOY.

_Horrid Boy_ (_capering about_). "OH, LOOK HERE, CAPTAIN! I'VE FOUND OUT WHAT CLARA STUFFS HER HAIR OUT WITH. THEY'RE WHISKERS LIKE YOURS!"

[_Sensation._

]

_Mr._ ----. "OH, HERE YOU ARE AT LAST! NOW YOU MUST COME AND DANCE THIS WALTZ WITH A FRIEND OF MINE--CHARMING GIRL, I ASSURE YOU!"

_Mr._ ---- (_who prides himself upon his dancing_). "HAW! THANK YOU--YOU'RE VERY GOOD!--BUT I NEVER WALTZ WITH STRANGE GIRLS. I DON'T MIND GIVING HER A QUADRILLE FIRST, JUST TO SEE HOW SHE MOVES!"]

"WELL, FRANK! THIS DELIGHTFUL CAMP IS NEARLY OVER."

"HM, HAW! YA-AS! AND IF YOU'LL ALLOW ME, I'LL TAKE A LAST FOND LOOK, AND A--A--LEAN UPON MY WHAT D'YE CALL IT, AS THE SONG SAYS, AND A--WIPE AWAY A TE--AR!"]

_Party_ (_whose nerve is not what it used to be_). "YOU ARE QUITE SURE, CHARLES, THAT HE'S TEMPERATE?"

_Charles._ "OH, YES! COME ALONG! DO YOU THINK I SHOULD LET YOU RIDE HIM IF HE WASN'T? WHY, YOU MIGHT _KILL THE HORSE_!"

[_Nervous Party is much flattered by the consideration of Friend._

]

_Jolly Angler._ "HOORAY, TOM! I'VE GOT ONE--AND, MY WORD! DIDN'T HE PULL!"]

"MY EYE, 'ARRY. THAT'S A STUNNING GREAT-COAT."

"AH! I FLATTER MYSELF IT'S RATHER 'DOWN THE ROAD.'"]

_First Newmarket Boy._ "AWFUL WORK THIS, BILL. WE'RE A GOIN' TO WAR WITH ROOSIA!"

_Second Ditto._ "WELL, WOT ODDS?"

_First Ditto._ "WOT ODDS? WHY, THERE WON'T BE NO HEMPEROR'S CUP NEXT YEAR, THAT'S ALL!"]

SHOWING THE SHIFTS TO WHICH THE POOR CABMAN IS REDUCED, NOW THAT HE IS NOT PERMITTED TO LEAVE HIS SEAT WHILST ON DUTY.]

_Isabella._ "WELL, AUNT, AND HOW DID YOU LIKE LONDON? I SUPPOSE YOU WERE VERY GAY?"

_Aunt_ (_who inclines to embonpoint_). "OH YES, LOVE, GAY ENOUGH! WE WENT TO THE TOP O' THE MONUMENT O' MONDAY--AND TO THE TOP O' ST. PAUL'S O' TUESDAY--AND TO THE TOP O' THE DOOK O' YORK'S COLUMN O' WEDNESDAY--BUT I THINK ALTOGETHER I LIKE THE QUIET OF THE COUNTRY."]

_Ferocious Hairdresser._ "NOW, SIR, SHALL I TAKE THE PINTS OFF THE WHISKERS?"]

"I SAY, CHARLEY, DON'T YOU THINK YOU HAD BETTER GO BACK TO YOUR CUSTOMER?"

_Incipient Wine Merchant._ "NOT YET. ALWAYS GONE A QUARTER OF AN HOUR FOR THE _VERY_ OLD PORT--FURTHER END OF THE CELLAR! CELLAR'S VERY EXTENSIVE! GREAT CARE NECESSARY FOR FEAR OF DISTURBING THE CRUST, YOU KNOW--ET CÆTERA--TWIG?"]

_Arabella._ "OH! DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, FREDERICK. IT ISN'T THE SHOE, FOR THAT'S A GREAT DEAL TOO LARGE."]

_Gentleman from Town_ (_loq._). "OH, IF THIS IS ONE OF THE LITTLE PLACES CHARLEY SPOKE OF, I SHALL GO BACK."]

DISMAY OF A BRITISH SWELL ON SEEING A POSTMAN WITH MOUSTACHES.]

"THAT'S A DEUCED GOOD HORSE TO GO, DRIVER. WHAT'S HIS FAULT THAT HE COMES IN A CAB?"

"WELL, SIR, I DON'T KNOW OF ANY FAULT IN PERTICKLER, 'CEPT THAT WHEN HE BEGINS TO KICK, HE DO KICK LIKE BLAZES."]

_Mistress._ "WHY, NURSE--WHAT A TERRIBLE DISTURBANCE!--PRAY, WHAT IS THE MATTER?"

_Nurse_ (_addicted to Pen and Ink_). "OH, MUM, IT'S DREADFUL!--HERE'S NEETHER ME NOR MARY CAN'T ANSWER NONE OF OUR LETTERS FOR THE RACKET!"]

_Missis._ "WHY, MY GOODNESS, COOK! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN ABOUT? FIVE O'CLOCK, AND THAT HARE NOT PUT DOWN YET!"

_Artiste._ "CAN'T HELP IT, MARM. I NEVER KNEW ANYTHINK TAKE SUCH A TIME TO PLUCK IN MY LIFE!"]

_John Thomas._ "I TELL YOU WHAT, WILLIAM--THE PRESS MUST BE PUT DOWN! THEY'VE BIN AND GOT THE SOLDIERS' UNIFORM ALTERED, AND I SHOULDN'T WONDER IF THEY CALLED OURS RIDIKLUS NEXT!"]

_First Whip_ (_who is a little ruffled because the Fox won't break_). "NOW, THEN, SIR! OUT O' THE WAY, UNLESS YOU'LL GET INTO THE COVER. MAYHAP YOUR UGLY MUG MIGHT FRIGHTEN HIM OUT. COME UP, 'OSS!"]

MISS DIANA SLIPS OFF AT A FENCE, AND IS SO UNFORTUNATE AS TO LEAVE THE BETTER HALF OF HER HABIT ON THE POMMELS OF HER SADDLE.]

_Incipient Swell_ (_in costume of the period_). "WELL! TA-TA, GUS! I SHALL JUST GO AND SHOW MYSELF IN THE PARK."]

_Old General Muddle._ "WHAT I SAY, IS--IS--EH? WHAT? BY JOVE! WHAT THE DOOCE SHOULD CIVILIANS KNOW ABOUT--EH? WHAT--AHEM!--MILITARY AFFAIRS! AFFAIRS! EH?"

_Colonel Splutter._ "HAH! THE PRESS, SIR! BY JOVE, THE PRESS IS THE CURSE OF THE COUNTRY, AND WILL BE THE RUIN OF THE ARMY! BY JOVE, I'D HANG ALL LITTERY MEN--HANG 'EM, SIR!"]

THE POOR FLY-DRIVERS ARE UP SO LATE AT NIGHTS, THAT THEY ARE GLAD TO GET A NAP WHEN THEY CAN. THIS IS NOT TO BE WONDERED AT, BUT IT IS NOT LIKELY TO ADD TO THE REPOSE EITHER OF OLD MRS. DUMBLEDORE OR OF OLD MRS. BLOWHARD, WHO ARE OUT FOR AN AIRING.]

(_Affectionately dedicated to_ PATERFAMILIAS, _whoever he might be_.)]

MR. TOM NODDY'S FIRST DAY WITH THE HOUNDS.

_Groom._ "YOU'LL FIND THE MARE IN RARE FETTLE, SIR. SHE'S UNCOMMON FRESH TO BE SURE!"]

SO FRESH THAT SHE WON'T LET T. N. MOUNT FOR EVER SO LONG, AND WHEN SHE DOES]

ALLOW HIM, PUTS UP HER BACK IN THE MOST OMINOUS MANNER.]

SHE SHIES AT A WHEELBARROW--A THING SHE NEVER DID BEFORE. (T. N. DROPS HIS WHIP.) AFTER SOME]

TROUBLE IN OPENING A GATE.]

(T. N. DROPS HIS WHIP AGAIN, BY-THE-BY.)]

HE GETS UPON A NICE PIECE OF TURF.]

THE MARE ENJOYS HERSELF AMAZINGLY.]

ARRIVED AT THE MEET, LITTLE TOM NODDY THINKS HE WILL HAVE A QUIET WEED; BUT AT THIS MOMENT]

THE HOUNDS MOVE FOR THE COVER, AND THE MARE BECOMES FULL OF PLAY AGAIN.]

HAVING PICKED HIMSELF UP, TOGETHER WITH HIS WHIP AND CIGAR, T. N. JOGS ON WITH THE REST OF THE FIELD. AS THEY PASS BY SOME TURNIPS, TO THE DELIGHT OF EVERYBODY, A FOX GETS UP. THE MARE, WHO HAD BECOME ALMOST STEADY, IS AGAIN EXCITED, AND RUSHES WILDLY AHEAD, AMIDST THE EXECRATIONS OF THE HUNT, AND LOUD CRIES OF "HOLD HARD!" WHICH T. N. MISTAKES FOR ANXIETY ON HIS ACCOUNT; AND GRASPING THE POMMEL OF HIS SADDLE WITH BOTH HANDS, ABANDONS HIMSELF TO CIRCUMSTANCES, WHICH, CONSIDERING THERE IS A FLIGHT OF HURDLES BEFORE HIM, ARE NOT VERY FAVOURABLE.]

FORTUNATELY FOR TOM NODDY, HOWEVER, THE MARE SWERVES AT THE HURDLES, AND WITH THE EXCEPTION OF DROPPING HIS WHIP AGAIN, HE MEETS WITH NO GREAT INCONVENIENCE]

BUT COMING TO THE FIRST FENCE, THE PLAYFUL CREATURE GOES AT IT LIKE A SHOT OUT OF A GUN;]

AND T. N. FINDS THAT THERE IS STILL A GOOD DEAL OF SNOW IN SOME OF THE DITCHES.]

THE MARE EXTRICATES HERSELF FROM THE DIFFICULTY SOONER THAN OUR LITTLE FRIEND, AND GETTING AWAY FROM HIM, TAKES A LINE OF HER OWN.]

T. N. FINDS RUNNING AFTER HIS QUADRUPED VERY LABORIOUS. HE RESTS HIMSELF ON A STILE, AND HAS ANOTHER QUIET WEED.]

THIS REPRESENTS THE PRECISE MOMENT WHEN TOM NODDY, AFTER MUCH EXERCISE, MEETS A SIMPLE COUNTRYMAN RETURNING WITH THE MARE. THE SIMPLE COUNTRYMAN IS ASSURING T. N. THAT HE HAD A DEAL OF TROUBLE TO CATCH HER, AND THEN IT WUR TWENTY MINUTES AFORE HE COULD MAKE HER LEAVE THE 'OUNDS--AND THEN ONLY 'ACAUSE SHE WUR QUITE "BLOWED."--(_N.B. The simple countryman hopes T. N. will remember him._)]

_Shoe Brigade Boy_ (_to old Gent irascible from gout, which has settled in his feet_). "NOW, SIR! DID YOU WANT YOUR SHOES BLACKED?"]

_Frederick._ "NOW THEN, WILLIAM, WHAT ARE YER WAITING FOR?"

_William._ "WHY, I WAS A-THINKIN' VETHER I SHOULD WEAR MY MOOSTARCHERS LIKE THIS HERE OR LIKE THAT =HARE=."]

A YOUNG OFFICER IN THE MILITIA LEARNING THE MANUAL EXERCISE OVER YOUR HEAD!]

_Young Farmer No 1._ "WELL, CHARLEY--HAVE YOU HAD MUCH SHOOTING LATELY?"

_Young Farmer No. 2._ "WHY, NO; WHAT WITH HUNTING TWO DAYS A WEEK AND COURSING TWO DAYS, I DON'T GET MUCH TIME TO GO OUT WITH A GUN."]

SPORTING MILITAIRE RECALLS TO MIND HIS CANADIAN EXPERIENCES (THE GROUND BEING DEEP WITH SNOW), BUILDS A TREBOGGIN, AND FOR THE MOMENT CEASES TO SWEAR AT THE FROST, OR TO REGRET THE SIX HUNTERS HE HAS EATING THEIR HEADS OFF IN THE STABLE.]

_First Dandy M.P._ "PWOWOGATION TO BE LATE THIS YEAR, ON ACCOUNT OF SOME COLONIAL BILLS, I HEAR."

_Second Ditto._ "BOTHER THE COLONIES! HAVEN'T WE DONE ENOUGH FOR 'EM THIS YEAR?--DIDN'T WEST AUSTRALIAN WIN THE DERBY?"]

OUR "USED UP" MAN HAS A FEW "USED UP" FRIENDS TO BREAKFAST; AFTER WHICH THEY DERIVE A LITTLE REAL ENJOYMENT FROM A DRAMATIC ENTERTAINMENT]

_Jolly Young Waterman._ "HOLLOA! HI! POLICE! BACK WATER, JACK! WE'VE GOT INTO A NEST OF SWANS, AND THEY'RE A PITCHIN' INTO ME!"]

_Party_ (_who of course doesn't think_ HIMSELF _good looking_). "REALLY, CLARA, I CAN'T THINK HOW YOU CAN MAKE A PET OF SUCH AN UGLY BRUTE AS AN ISLE OF SKYE TERRIER!"]

_Street Boy_ (_in playful allusion to the basket carriage_). "OH, LOOK HERE, BILL! IF 'ERE AIN'T A SWELL DRIVING HISSELF HOME FROM THE _WASH_!"]

"NOW, THEN, DARLING, PUT AWAY YOUR PAPER, AND WE'LL HAVE A NICE LONG WALK, AND THEN COME BACK TO TEA IN OUR OWN LITTLE COTTAGE, AND BE AS HAPPY AS TWO LITTLE BIRDS!" SAID THE FAIR BRIDE.--"OH, HANG IT!" MENTALLY EJACULATED THE CAPTAIN.]

_Lady Crinoline._ "YOU WON'T MIND RIDING ON THE BOX, EDWARD DEAR, WILL YOU?--I'M AFRAID, IF WE BOTH GO INSIDE THE BROUGHAM, MY NEW DRESS WILL GET SO RUMPLED!"]

_Cousin_ (_who is a leetle fast_). "MORNIN', CHARLES! NOW THEN, IF YOU WILL POP ON YOUR HATS, AND WRAP YOURSELVES UP WARM, I'LL TAKE YOU AND YOUR FRIEND OUT FOR A DRIVE!"]

EFFECT OF THE CAB-STRIKE--GOING TO THE OPERA IN A WHEELBARROW.]

_Emily._ "WHY, MY GOODNESS, FRANK! WHAT A DREADFUL BLACK EYE YOU HAVE! YOU ARE QUITE DISFIGURED!" _Frank._ "H'M, HAH! THAT'S VERY DISAGREEABLE, NOW; I WAS IN HOPES NO ONE WOULD HAVE PERCEIVED IT!"

[Frank _has been so unfortunate as to catch a cold in his eye from sitting in
a draught at Exeter Hall--so he SAYS._

]

AS THE TRAIN STOPS, MR. P. ENDEAVOURS TO GET SOME STOUT FOR HIS WIFE, WHO FROM CIRCUMSTANCES, IS OBLIGED TO DRINK THAT REFRESHING BEVERAGE FOUR OR FIVE TIMES A-DAY. UNFORTUNATELY MR. P. CANNOT FIND HIS CARRIAGE, AND, AS THE TRAIN IS RATHER BEHIND TIME, THE OFFICIALS ARE IN SOME HURRY AND CONFUSION.]

"THE TRAVELLER, WEARIED WITH THE NOONDAY HEAT, NEED NEVER BE AT A LOSS TO FIND REST AND REFRESHMENT; STRETCHED UPON THE SOFTEST AND CLEANEST OF MATTING, IMBIBING THE MOST DELICATELY FLAVOURED TEA, INHALING THE FRAGRANT TOBACCO OF JAPAN, HE RESIGNS HIMSELF TO THE MINISTRATIONS OF A BEVY OF FAIR DAMSELS, WHO GLIDE RAPIDLY AND NOISELESSLY ABOUT, THE MOST ZEALOUS AND SKILFUL OF ATTENDANTS."--_TIMES._]

_Youthful Swell._ "NOW CHARLEY--YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR BREAKFAST, HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE?"

_Languid Swell_ (_probably in a Government Office_). "THANKS! NO! I ASSURE YAH--MY DE-AR FELLAH! IF I WAS TO TAKE A CUP OF COFFEE IN THE MORNING, IT WOULD KEEP ME AWAKE ALL DAY!"]

_First Naturalist._ "WHAT! THE S-S-HE-SHER-PENT A-AN (HIC) ICH-(HIC-)THYOSAURUS? NONSHE-ENSE!"

_Second Naturalist._ "WHO SAID ICH-(HIC) ICHTHY-O-SAURUS? I SAID A (HIC) PLESI-O-(HIC)-SAURUS PLAINENUFF."]

_Steward._ "WILL EITHER OF YOU, GENTLEMEN, DINE ON BOARD? THERE'S A CAPITAL HOT DINNER AT THREE O'CLOCK."]

_Guard._ "NOW, SIR! IF YOU'RE GOING ON BY THE EXPRESS, HERE'S JUST ROOM FOR ONE!"

_Tourist._ "WHA-T! GET IN WITH HAWWID OLD WOMEN, AND SQUEEMING CHILDREN! BY JOVE! YOU KNOW! I SAY! IT'S IMPAWSIBLE, YOU KNOW!"]

_Swell._ "HAW! IS THERE ANYTHING WEADY FOR DINNAW?"

_Waiter._ "SHOULDER OF MUTTON JUST READY, SIR!"

_Swell._ "HAW--SHOULDAW OF MUTTON!--AW--WHAT A VEWY ODD THING FOR DINNAW!--THOUGHT THEY ONLY MADE _GLUE_ OF SHOULDAW OF MUTTON!"]

_Boy_ (_in allusion to_ BROWN, _who thinks he is well got up_). "OH! LOOK HERE, BILLY. THEY'VE GOT A DINNER PARTY AT THIS 'OUSE--AND IF 'ERE AIN'T THE COVE WHAT'S A-GOING TO WAIT."]

_Binks, Minor_ (_loq._). "AH! YOU CAN'T THINK HOW A FELLA SAVES, WHEN HE GOES INTO THE CHURCH. I USED TO GIVE SNOBBINS THREE GUINEAS FOR MY BOOTS, AND _NOW_ I GET THEM MADE FOR TWO POUND TWELVE."

_Binks, Major._ "BY JOVE!"]

_Fred._ "HOW DO YOU LIKE THE ALTERATION, BLANCHE?"

_Blanche._ "WHAT ALTERATION, DEAR?"

_Fred._ "WHY, HANG IT!--HAVEN'T I CUT OFF MY BEARD AND MOUSTACHES?"]

_Jones_ (_of the Dandelion Club_). "DOOCED JOLLY, I SHOULD SAY, TO MARRY ON £300 A-YEAR! THINK A SEE MYSELF WOCKING A CWADLE, AND FETCHING HOME THE MUTTON FROM THE BAKER!"

[_Orders Glass of Dry Curaçoa_.

]

_Precise Female_ (_in answer to a rude inquiry_). "YOU ARE A VERY IMPERTINENT BOY!--YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT IT IS A MATTER OF NO MOMENT TO YOU WHO MY HATTER IS!"]

_Charles._ "FIGURE, INDEED! WHAT'S A FELLOW TO DO? A MAN MUST WEAR SOMETHING. HATS AND COATS ARE OUT OF THE QUESTION--THEY ARE REALLY SO VERY EFFEMINATE."]

WHEN IT IS VERY FOGGY IN LONDON, IT IS DELIGHTFUL AT BRIGHTON--AT LEAST SO CHARLES AND GEORGINA THINK.]

_Youthful Swell._ "HAW! LOOK HERE! IS THAT CHEST OF CIGARS YOU IMPORTED FOR ME RIPE YET?"

_Cigar Dealer._ "WELL, SIR--I FEAR NOT--THAT IS, NOT RIPE FOR YOUR TASTE, SIR, FOR AT LEAST THREE WEEKS; BUT WE CAN SPARE YOU A COUPLE OF THOUSAND OF THESE GIANT REGALIAS TO GO ON WITH TILL THE WEATHER IS MILDER, WHEN YOUR CIGARS WILL MELLOW RAPIDLY!"

[_Youth accepts the generous offer, and lounges out with a Giant
Regalia as big as his leg in his mouth._

]

_Little Girl._ "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON SIR!--IT WAS THE WIND AS DONE IT!"]

_Little Party._ "GO AND WALK IN HYDE PARK? OH, AH!--I DESSAY! AND GET PELTED FOR A HARISTOCRAT?--NO THANK 'E--NOT IF I KNOW IT."]

_Whipper._ "WELL, I WEAR MINE BECAUSE IT SAVES TROUBLE, AND IS SO VERY 'EALTHY."

_Snapper._ "HAH, WELL THERE AIN'T NO HUMBUG ABOUT ME; I WEAR MINE BECAUSE THEY LOOKS 'ANSOM, AND GOES DOWN WITH THE GALS."]

_Porter._ "NOW, THEN, BILL! ARE YOU OFF?"

_Cab Ruffian._ "NO; WHAT SORT OF FARE IS IT?"

_Porter._ "SINGLE GENT, WITH SMALL BAG."

_Ruffian._ "OH, _HE_ WON'T DO! CAN'T YER FIND US A OLD LADY AND TWO LITTLE GALS WITH LOTS O' BOXES? I'M GOOD FOR A PINT!"]

_Soldier._ "NOW, THEN! YOU MUST MOVE AWAY FROM HERE."

_Rude Boy._ "AH, BUT _YOU_ MUSN'T, OLD FELLER!"]

_New Broom._ "POOR JACK, YER HONOR?"

_Old Broom._ "LEAVE THEM COVES ALONE, TIM; THEY'RE TWO SWELLS WHAT ALWAYS CROSSES IN A 'ANSOM--'CAUSE O' THEIR BOOTS!"]

NOW, WE DO HOPE THIS OLD GENTLEMAN IS NOT GOING TO BE ASKED TO SHOW HIS TICKET; BECAUSE THIS OLD GENTLEMAN HAS JUST PACKED HIMSELF UP QUITE COMFORTABLY, AND HIS TICKET IS IN THE VERY INNERMOST RECESS OF HIS WAISTCOAT POCKET; AND BECAUSE, YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST THE SORT OF OLD GENTLEMAN WHO IS LIKELY TO BE MUCH IRRITATED BY SUCH A REQUEST AT SUCH A TIME.]

_Omnibus Driver._ "THIS IS ORRIBLE VURK IN PARIS, SIR. VY, THEY TELL ME THEY'VE BIN AND BURNT ALL THE BUSSES!"]

THE HONOURABLE SPENCER DAWDLE (WHOSE TOTAL ABSENCE OF MIND IS SO WELL KNOWN) HAVING MADE A MORNING CALL IN BELGRAVIA, WALKS OFF WITH A HAT AND STICK WHICH DO NOT BELONG TO HIM!]

_Lieutenant Blazer_ (_of the Plungers_). "GOOD GWACIOUS! HERE'S A HORWIBLE GO! INFANTWY'S GOING TO GWOW A MOUSTACHE!"

_Cornet Fluffey._ "YAW DON'T MEAN THAT! WELL! THERE'S ONLY ONE ALTERNATIVE FOR US. =WE= MUST SHAVE!"]

A NICE LITTLE BIT OF FISH.]

_Foxhunting Doctor._ "NOT BE IN TIME! OH, NONSENSE! SEND MY HORSE ON,--SEE MY PATIENTS EARLY,--DRESS IN THE BROUGHAM,--THERE I AM!" (_and we hope he may have a good run_).

[_We have been obliged to take the side of the carriage out, which
perhaps the kind reader will excuse._

]

_Piscator._ "A-HAH! GOT YOU AT LAST, HAVE I?--AND A FINE WEEK'S TROUBLE I'VE HAD TO CATCH YOU!"]

_Servant Gal._ "I TELL YOU WHAT, COOK; WITH MY BEAUTY AND FIGGER, I AIN'T A GOIN' TO STOP IN SARVICE NO LONGER; I SHALL BE ORF TO HORSETRAYLIER."]

_Tax Collector._ "JOHN THOMAS MOONCALF?"

_John Thomas._ "--ESQUIRE, THAT'S ME!"

_Tax Collector._ "THEN BE SO GOOD AS TO FILL UP THIS INCOME-TAX PAPER AND RETURN IT TO ME BEFORE TWENTY DAYS!"]

_Jemoimer._ "BIST THOU A GOIN' TO SKULE, ELOYZA?"

_Eloyza._ "NOT HI, JEMOIMER. THEY GID US TEA AND BUNS LARST WEEK, AND WE SHA'T HAN NO MOORE TILL CUM CRISMUS; SO MUTHER SAYS AS HOW IT AIN'T NO USE."]

"THERE, BABY DEAR, LOOK AT THE PRETTY SOLDIERS!"]

_Heavy Swell._ "WHAT'S THE AVERAGE WEIGHT OF THE MEN IN YOUR REGIMENT, CHARLEY?"

_Swell in the Guards._ "DON'T KNOW, I'M SURE--AW--BUT TEN GO TO THE TON."]

_Juvenile._ "I WONDER WHETHER THAT GURL HAS GOT ANY TIN--FOR I FEEL MOST OWDACIOUSLY INCLINED TO GO AND CUT THAT FELLOW OUT."]

_Old Gent._ "AND PRAY WHO IS YOUR FRIEND WITH THE COFFEE POT?"

_Small Boy._ "THAT? OH! HE'S MY FAG--HE GETS ME MY BREAKFAST AND SUCH LIKE, BUT I ALWAYS LEAVE HIM SOME CRUMPETS--AND _NEVER BULLY HIM_!"]

_Stern Parent._ "I TELL YOU, SIR, I WILL NOT ALLOW IT--AND DON'T LET ME SEE ANY MORE NASTY PIPES OR TOBACCO IN THIS HOUSE."

_Young Williams._ "BOO-HOO--AND WHAT'S A FELLOW TO DO WHEN ALL THE MEN OF HIS OWN AGE SMOKE?"]

_Friend._ "WELL, SPRAT, MY BOY--AND HOW DO YOU GET ON, NOW YOU'RE MARRIED?"

_Sprat._ "H'M! PRETTY BOBBISH--BUT THERE'S ONE THING MAKES IT DOOCID UNCOMFORTABLE SOMETIMES--ENTRE NOUS--MRS. S. IS _SO CONFOUNDEDLY JEALOUS OF ME_."]

"WHERE 'AVE WE B'N? WHY, TO SEE THE COVE 'UNG, TO BE SURE!"]

ADVENTURES OF MR. TOM NODDY.

OUR LITTLE FRIEND, TOM NODDY, THINKS THE SEA-WATER WILL DO HIS MARE'S LEGS A WORLD OF GOOD]

THE PLAYFUL CREATURE OBJECTS AT FIRST, BUT FINDING THE PROCESS AGREEABLE, DETERMINES TO HAVE A COMPLETE BATH.]

ADVENTURES OF MR. TOM NODDY.

LANDING OF TOM NODDY. HIS HORSE HAVING HAD ENOUGH OF IT, RETURNS TO HIS STABLE.]

OUR FRIEND HAS A DAY WITH THE BROOKSIDE HARRIERS.--WITH HIS USUAL PRUDENCE HE GETS A HORSE ACCUSTOMED TO THE HILLS.]

_Newly Married Daughter_ (_whose husband's income is, if anything, decidedly limited_). "--AND SEE HERE, PAPA, DEAR, WE ARE GETTING ON SO BEAUTIFULLY WITH OUR FURNISHING! WE BOUGHT THESE LOVELY GOLD AND SILVER INDIAN ELEPHANTS AT A SALE THE OTHER DAY, AND ONLY GAVE FIFTY POUNDS FOR THEM; WASN'T IT CHEAP? WE ONLY WANT A LITTLE CRACKED CHINA TO MAKE THE ROOM QUITE COMFORTABLE!"]

_Lobkins._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MARRYIN'--FOR YER SEE, AFTER THE KNOT WAS TIED, SOME OTHER GAL MIGHT BE FALLIN' IN LOVE WITH ONE--AND THAT WOULD BE SO DOOCED AWKWARD!"]

_First Snob._ "YOU KNOW THAT JOLLY LITTLE GIRL, JULIA BINKS?"

_Second Snob._ "ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD."

_First Snob._ "WELL! SHE'S BEEN STICKING UP TO ME LIKE BRICKS, BUT I CAN'T RETURN HER AFFECTION, BECAUSE I'M SO DEUCED SWEET WITH THE PLANTAGENET GALS."]

_Coster_ (_to extremely genteel person_). "I SAY, GUVNER, GIVE US A HIST WITH THIS 'ERE BILIN' O' GREENS!"]

_Young Sholomunsh_ (_to Young_ SNOBLEY, _who is attired in his very best_). "NOW, SIR! LET ME SHELL YOU A NISH SHUIT OF CLOSHE, MAKE YER GOOD ALLOWANCE FOR THE OLD UNS YER'VE GOT ON!"

[SNOBLEY'S _feelings may be imagined_.

]

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN TABLE-TALKING, MATILDA, THAT THERE'S SUCH A FUSS ABOUT?"

"OH, DEAR NO! WHY, THE OTHER EVENING A TABLE WAS ASKED HOW OLD I WAS, AND IT RAPPED OUT FORTY! WHEN I'M NOT THREE-AND-TWENTY TILL NEXT MARCH!"]

"MY LOVE! DO YOU THINK THOSE FELLOWS ARE FOLLOWING US?"]

_Navvy._ "AH, BILL! IT SHOWS THE FORRARD MARCH OF THE AGE. FUST THE BRUTE FORCE, SUCH AS 'IM; AND THEN THE LIKES OF US TO DO IT SCIENTIFIC, AND SHOW THE MIGHT OF INTELLECT."]

_Tailor_ (_to considerable Customer_). "TRIFLE THINNER THAN YOU WAS, SIR! GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK, SIR! 'OPE YOU'LL SOON GET YOUR HEALTH, SIR. WHEN WE HEARD YOUR REGIMENT HAD BEEN IN ACTION, SIR,--YOU MAY FANCY WHAT OUR FEELINGS WAS, SIR!"]

_Small Oxford Man._ "NOW, SNIP, REMEMBER, NOT SO TIGHT IN THE ARM!"

_Snip._ "VERY GOOD, SIR." (_To the Clerk._) "84 AND A 'ARF!"]

_Oxford Swell._ "DO YOU MAKE MANY OF THESE MONKEY-JACKETS, NOW?"

_Snip._ "OH, DEAR YES, SIR; THERE ARE MORE MONKEYS IN OXFORD THIS TERM THAN EVER, SIR."]

_Angelina_ (_to Edwin, whose only chance is perfect tranquillity_). "EDWIN, DEAR! IF YOU LOVE ME, GO DOWN INTO THE CABIN, AND FETCH ME MY SCENT-BOTTLE, AND ANOTHER SHAWL TO PUT OVER MY FEET!"

[EDWIN'S _sensations are more easily imagined than described_.

]

_Gustavus._ "MAMMA, DEAR! ARE MOUSTACHES FASHIONABLE?"

_Mamma._ "WELL, GUS. I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY, BUT I BELIEVE THEY ARE."

_Gus._ "OH! THEN, IS THAT THE REASON WHY MISS GRUMPH WEARS 'EM?"

[MISS GRUMPH, _as well as being strong-minded, is rather masculine in appearance_.

]

_Juvenile._ "WELL, I KNOW WHAT I SHALL DO: I SHALL LOOK OUT FOR SOME OLD GAL WITH PLENTY OF MONEY."]

ENTER TOM (A DISAGREEABLE BOY FROM SCHOOL.)--_Tom._ "LOOK HERE, CLARA, THERE'S A YOUNG WOMAN DOWNSTAIRS HAS BROUGHT THIS FOR YOU, AND WANTS TO KNOW IF IT WILL DO."]

_Cousin Harriet._ "WELL, ALFRED, WILL YOU STOP AND HAVE SOME TEA WITH US?"

_Alfred._ "HAW! YOU'RE VERY GOOD, I'M SURE; BUT I'VE GOT TO TAKE THE CHILDREN TO SEE THE PANTOMIME!"]

AUGUSTUS THINKS CRINOLINE A DETESTABLE INVENTION.]

_Angelina._ "WELL, LOVE, HOW DO YOU THINK I LOOK?--DO YOU LIKE THE DRESS?"

_Edwin._ "I THINK IT'S PERFECTLY CHARMING.--I NEVER SAW YOU LOOK BETTER!"]

_AND_

_Angelina._ "WELL, E.,--YOU DON'T SAY A WORD ABOUT MY DRESS?"

_Edwin._ "EM, WHAT? OH, UGH!--H'M--BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL!"]

_Old Gentleman_ (_who is of course much behind his age_). "WELL, MY LITTLE DEAR, AND PRAY WHAT NICE LITTLE GIRL ARE YOU?"

_Little Girl._ "OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, I'M A PUSEYITE, AND SO'S BESSY 'ARRIS." (_To Young Lady._) "AIN'T WE, MEM?"]

_Juvenile_. "AW, HAIRDRESSER, WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED MY HAIR, JUST TAKE OFF MY BEARD, WILL YOU?"]

_Constance_ (_reads advertisement to Alice_). "'* * * _The Orchestra Stalls will be exceedingly commodious. Each person will have a separate Arm-Chair, occupying a space of two feet in breadth._' H'M--I DON'T SEE THAT THAT'S SO EXCEEDINGLY COMMODIOUS--EH, DEAR?"]

"THE WEATHER IS CHARMING, ALTHOUGH I DO NOT FEEL MUCH INCLINED FOR TRANSACTIONS OF A BUSINESS NATURE. I AM DECIDEDLY BETTER. MY DOCTOR, A MOST SENSIBLE MAN, RECOMMENDS ME TO TAKE HORSE EXERCISE, AND GO INTO AGREEABLE SOCIETY. I ENDEAVOUR TO CARRY OUT HIS SUGGESTIONS."--_Scarborough._]

_Omnibus Driver._ "I DON'T LIKE BEING A HABSENTEE, JEM; BUT IF THIS PRECIOUS EASTERLY VIND LASTS MUCH LONGER, I SHALL BE HOFF WITH MY FAMILY TO THE SOUTH OF FRANCE."]

_Alfred._ "TELL ME, MY OWN ONE, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU HAVE TO SAY BEFORE I GO?"

_Emma._ "YES, DEAREST--DO NOT--OH, DO NOT FORGET TO BRING THE-TH-TH-BRUNSWICK SAUSAGE FROM F-F-F-FORT-NUM AND MASON'S."]

"I TELL YER WHAT, BILL, I THINK THE POLICE ARE A BAD LOT--AND I WISH THEY WAS DONE AWAY WITH ALTOGETHER."]

"LET US SPEAK OF A MAN AS WE FIND HIM."]

_Brighton Boatman._ "THERE'S A WESSEL OUT THERE, SIR, A LABOURIN' A GOOD DEAL, SIR! AH, SIR, SAILORS WORKS WERRY 'ARD--PRECIOUS 'ARD LINES IT IS FOR THE POOR FELLERS OUT THERE!--PRECIOUS 'ARD IT IS FOR EVERYBODY JUST NOW. I KNOW _I_ SHOULD LIKE THE PRICE OF A PINT O' BEER AND A BIT O' BACCA!"]

_Railway Official_ (_waking Old Gent from a sweet sleep_). "TICKETS, PLEASE!"]

TOMKINS, DISCONSOLATE ON A ROCK, TRACES SOME CHARACTERS UPON THE SAND. TO HIM, MRS. TOMKINS (WHOSE NAME IS MARTHA).

_Mrs. T._ "WELL, MR. TOMKINS, AND PRAY WHO MAY HENRIETTA BE?"

[TOMKINS _utters a yell of despair, and falls prostrate_.

]

_Mother._ "AND, PRAY, DOCTOR, WHAT ARE YOUR TERMS FOR HEDUCATING LITTLE BOYS?"

_The Principal._ "WHY, MY DEAR MADAM, MY USUAL TERMS ARE SEVENTY GUINEAS _PER ANNUM_ (TO USE THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANCIENT ROMANS), BUT TO EFFECT MY OBJECT (?) QUICKLY, I WOULD TAKE A FEW FOR WHAT I COULD GET, PROVIDED THEY BE =GENTLEMEN=, LIKE YOUR DEAR LITTLE BOY THERE; BUT (AGAIN TO USE THE LATIN TONGUE) IT IS A _SINE QUA NON_ THAT THEY SHOULD BE =GENTLEMEN=!!"

_Wife._ "WHY, DEAR ME, WILLIAM; HOW TIME FLIES! I DECLARE WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED TEN YEARS TO-DAY!"

_Wretch._ "HAVE WE, LOVE! I AM SURE I THOUGHT IT HAD BEEN A GREAT DEAL LONGER."]

_Milord._ "GODAM! ROSBIF! I SHALL SELL MY WIFE AT SMITHFIELD, DAM!"]

_Head Nurse_ (_with much dignity_). "MISS MARY! YOU SHALL NOT STIR YOUR TEA WITH THE SNUFFERS!--IT IS NOT LADY-LIKE, AND I AM QUITE SURE YOUR PAPA WOULD NOT APPROVE OF IT!"

[MISS MARY _howls awfully, and smashes tea-cup_.

]

_Charlie._ "THIS WILL BE A STUPID AFFAIR, GEORGY."

_Georgy._ "OH! YES--ONLY A WHITE FROCK AND BLACK MITTEN PARTY--VERY SLOW!"

[_Old Nurse wonders what next._

]

THE ARTIST GIVES THE FINISHING TOUCH TO HIS PICTURE. HE HAS BEEN SO BUSY THAT HE HAS NOT EVEN BEEN ABLE TO GET HIS HAIR CUT

MR. PUNCH IN THE BOSOM OF HIS FAMILY.]

_Augustus._ "I SAY, AUNT! DID YOU SEE WHAT THE NEWSPAPER SAYS ABOUT THE ECLIPSE?"

_Aunt._ "NO! WHAT DOES IT SAY? READ IT, CHILD! ANYTHING RELATING TO THAT WONDERFUL EVENT IS INTERESTING."

_Augustus._ "WHY, IT SAYS THAT IT IS EXPECTED TO HAVE AN EXTRAORDINARY EFFECT UPON THE INFERIOR ANIMALS! MY WIG! I'D HAVE YOU AND THE GIRLS LOOK OUT FOR SQUALLS!"

[_Disgusting, Low-Minded Boy._

]

_Coster._ "'SCUSE ME, MARM, BUT DID YER WANT YER GREEN-'OUSE SMOKED?--NO CHARGE. ONLY TO FIND THE 'BACCA, AND A DROP O' SUMTHIN' TO DRINK!"]

THAT REGULAR FAMILY NEXT DOOR ARE HAVING THEIR CHIMNEY SWEPT AGAIN.]

_Juvenile._ "AH, IT'S ALL VERY WELL! LOVE MAY DO FOR BOYS AND GALS; BUT WE, AS MEN OF THE WORLD, KNOW 'OW 'OLLOW IT IS."]

_Flunkey_ (_who does not approve of Bloomsbury_). "NO, MA'AM, I DON'T OBJEC' TO THE 'OUSE, FOR IT'S HAIREY, AND THE VITTLES IS GOOD; BUT THE FACT IS THAT ALL MY CONNEXIONS LIVE IN BELGRAVIA!"]

_Bertha._ "NOW, REALLY, CHARLES, YOU ARE VERY PROVOKING. I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR MY HAT EVERYWHERE--AND I DECLARE YOU ARE SITTING UPON IT."]

_Police Constable_ (_to Boy_). "NOW THEN, OFF WITH THAT HOOP! OR I'LL PRECIOUS SOON HELP YOU!"

_Lady_ (_who imagines the observation is addressed to her_). "WHAT A MONSTER!"

[_Lifts up the Crinoline, and hurries off._

]

THE BRITISH FORCES AND THE CRIMEAN WAR.

_Officer_ (_who is going to the East_). "OF COURSE, IT'S RATHER A BORE JUST AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON--AND I SHALL MISS THE DERBY! WISH THEY COULD HAVE HAD THE RUSSIANS OVER HERE, BECAUSE THEN WE COULD HAVE THRASHED 'EM IN HYDE PARK, AND DINED AT GREENWICH AFTERWARDS, YOU KNOW."]

ENSIGN STUBBS, HAVING BEEN APPOINTED TO THE 121ST, GOES TO TRY ON HIS UNIFORM.

_N.B.--The Gallant Ensign has hitherto been accustomed to dress in a loose, dégagé manner._]

_Quaker to British Lion._ "THERE, FRIEND! NOW LET ME PUT AWAY THOSE DANGEROUS VANITIES!"]

DELIGHT OF ONE OF OUR GUARDS NOW HE FEELS THAT THE COUNTRY WILL PROTECT "THE GIRL HE LEAVES BEHIND HIM."]

_Captain_ (_to Brother Officer_). "WHAT AM I ABOUT? I'LL TELL YOU, OLD BOY. THERE'S NO KNOWING WHAT MAY HAPPEN, SO I AM LEARNING THE NOBLE ART OF MAKING OMELETTES, IN CASE ANYTHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO OUR CHEF!"]

"SO THEY ARE SENDING OUT BOOKS TO AMUSE THE POOR FELLOWS AT SCUTARI--AND VERY PROPER. I WILL SEND FIVE-AND-TWENTY COPIES OF MY LAST FIVE-ACT TRAGEDY OF 'THE ROMAN GRANDMOTHER."]

_Inflamed Militia Man._ "TALK O' TH' ROOSHANS! THERE! DANG'D IF I WOULDN'T MOW 'EM DOWN FOR A SHILLIN' AN ACRE!"]

_Recruiting Sergeant._ "COME, TAKE THE SHILLING LIKE A MAN, AND HAVE A TURN AT THE RUSSIANS IN THE CRIMEA."

_Pampered Menial._ "A--THANK YOU. I DON'T SEEM TO SEE IT. THE FACT IS--THAT--A--THE WORK IS 'ARD; AND--A--THE BOARD IS BAD."]

"WELL, JACK! HERE'S GOOD NEWS FROM HOME. WE'RE TO HAVE A MEDAL." "THAT'S VERY KIND. MAYBE ONE OF THESE DAYS WE'LL HAVE A COAT TO STICK IT ON!"]

_British Officer._ "HOLLOA, JACK! WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT NOW?"

_Jack._ "WHY, YER HONOUR--YOU SEE RIDING'S A DEAL PLEASANTER THAN WALKING ABOUT HERE, AND WHEN THIS CHAP'S TIRED--I MOUNTS T'OTHER COVE!"]

THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE UNDER LORD CARDIGAN AGAINST THE RUSSIAN BATTERIES AT BALACLAVA.]

ADMIRAL PUNCH'S SIGNAL TO THE FLEET.]

HOW TO DRESS A WARRIOR.]

_A. B. Seaman._ "HERE'S A GO, BILL! YER MIGHT KNOCK ME DOWN WITH THE BUTT-END OF A MUSKIT, A'MOST! BLOW'D IF THE GAME AIN'T OVER, AND WE AIN'T HAD NO INNINGS!"]

"I TELL YER WHAT, BILL! I DON'T HALF LIKE THESE HERE MOUSTARCHERS. THEY DO MOP UP SUCH A LOT OF GROG!"]

_Ben._ "I SAY, JACK!--GIVE US A LIFT DOWN WITH THESE HERE _BLOOD-STAINED RUINS_ FROM SEBASTERPOOL!"]

THEY CAN PLAY; AND, BY JOVE, THEY CAN FIGHT, TOO.]

_Lizzy._ "GOOD GRACIOUS SELINA! LOOK THERE! THERE'S THAT RIDICULOUS LITTLE MAN AGAIN. DID YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING SO ABSURD?"]

_Busby_. "AH THERE SHE IS, BLESS HER! AND LOOKING THIS WAY TOO. OH! IT'S AS CLEAR AS POSSIBLE SHE HAS TAKEN A FANCY TO ME!"]

_Master_ (_with pumped-out Horse_). "CONFOUND THAT RASCALLY BOY! WHERE CAN HE HAVE GOT TO WITH MY SECOND HORSE?"]

_Rascally Boy_ (_with delightfully fresh animal_). "OH, DEAR! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL THING! _I WONDER WHERE MASTER CAN BE?_"]

_Lady of the House._ "OH, THOMAS! HAVE THE GOODNESS TO TAKE UP SOME COALS INTO THE NURSERY!"

_Thomas._ "H'M, MA'AM! IF YOU ASK IT AS A FAVOUR, MA'AM, I DON'T SO MUCH OBJECT; BUT I 'OPE YOU DON'T TAKE ME FOR AN 'OUSEMAID, MA'AM!"]

_Artist(!)._ "NOW, MUM! TAKE ORF YER 'EAD FOR SIXPENCE, OR YER 'OLE BODY FOR A SHILLIN'!"]

_Fred._ (_affectionately taking the arm of his friend_ HARRY--_as he thinks_). "OH! DO LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL DIAMONDS. HOW WELL THEY WOULD BECOME YOUR SWEET SISTER!"

_Coal-heaver._ "COME NOW! WALKER!"]

_Little Shrimpton._ "HAH! THEY MAY LAUGH! BUT I MEAN TO SAY THAT THE BEARD IS A GREAT ORNAMENT, AND GIVES DIGNITY TO THE HUMAN FIGURE!"]

IT WAS IN AUGUST OR SEPTEMBER, WE FORGET WHICH, THAT AMELIA'S SCARF CAUGHT HENRY'S BUTTON, AND NOW--THEY ARE MARRIED. WASN'T IT ODD?]

"HOLLO, 'ENERY! IS THAT YOU? WHY I HARDLY KNOW'D YER WITH THAT GREAT BEARD!"]

OLD MR. B. HAS FOUND OUT THAT THE OIL OF RHODIUM SYSTEM IS ALL NONSENSE, AND HAS BEEN INITIATED BY MR. RAREY. WHENEVER HE GETS SPILT, AND LOSES HIS HAT (AS HE DID THE VERY LAST DAY OF THE SEASON), HE JUST SAYS TO HIS HORSE, "FETCH IT, OLD BOY!" AND THE THING IS DONE!]

OUR DEAR OLD FRIEND BRIGGS--HAVING TAKEN THE RECEIPT FOR HORSE-TAMING FROM THE PAPERS--TRIES SOME EXPERIMENTS UPON AN ANIMAL THAT HE HAS PICKED UP A BARGAIN.]

_Cabby._ "LET YER OUT?--THAT'S A GOOD UN!--NOT AFORE YOU PAYS FOR BREAKING MY SPRINGS!"]

_Maid._ "PLEASE, MA'AM, MR. SKEWER SAYS HE'S A-GOING TO KILL _HISSELF_ THIS WEEK, AND WILL YOU HAVE A JOINT?"]

_Mamma._ "NOW, SIR--IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE BETTER, I WILL TELL PAPA OF YOU, AND HE WILL BOX YOUR EARS!"

_Shocking Boy._ "WELL, THEN, GO! MARCH!! AND SHUT THE DOOR AFTER YOU!!!"]

_Hostess._ "NOW, MY DEAR--WILL YOU COME AND DANCE A QUADRILLE?"

_Juvenile._ "THA-A-NK YOU--IT'S SO MANY YEARS AGO SINCE I DANCED, THAT I WOULD RATHER BE EXCUSED, IF YOU PLEASE. IN FACT, I--AW, I HAVEN'T DANCED SINCE I WAS QUITE A BOY."]

_First Man_ (_Home for the Holidays_). "AWFUL BIT OF GERANIUM THAT, CHARLEY!"

_Second Ditto._ "YA-AS, I WAS ALWAYS VERY FOND OF FLOWERS--AW--THEY LOOK SO JOLLY INNOCENT!"]

THESE YOUNG GENTLEMEN ARE NOT INDULGING IN THE FILTHY HABIT OF SMOKING.--THEY ARE ONLY CHEWING TOOTHPICKS, THE COMFORTING AND ELEGANT PRACTICE NOW SO MUCH IN VOGUE.]

_Charles._ "CONFOUND THE HOOPS, JUST WHEN I WANT TO MAKE MY NEAT SPEECH ABOUT BEING '_NEARER AND DEARER_' TOO!"]

_First Nursemaid._ "LAWK, MARIER! WHAT A BEE-UTIFLE GOWND!"

_Second Do._ "MY! JANE! HAIN'T IT?"

[ _They contemplate the Gownd for about a quarter of an hour, and the
Children have the full benefit of the delicious North-East Wind._

]

1. WHEN IT IS ALL VERY WELL. 2. WHEN IT IS OBJECTIONABLE. 3. WHEN THE POLICE OUGHT TO INTERFERE.]

JOHN THOMAS, AS HE APPEARED WHILE HIS MISSUS WAS IN THE BOTANICAL GARDENS. J. T. IS CONSULTING HIS BETTING BOOK. (A POSITIVE FACT.)]

_Lady._ "RESIGN YOUR SITUATION! WHY, WHAT'S WRONG NOW, THOMAS? HAVE THEY BEEN WANTING YOU TO EAT SALT BUTTER AGAIN?"

_Genteel Footman._ "OH, NO, THANK YOU, MA'AM--BUT THE FACT IS, MA'AM--THAT I HAVE HEARD THAT MASTER WERE SEEN LAST WEEK ON THE TOP OF A HOMNIBUS, AND I COULDN'T AFTER THAT REMAIN ANY LONGER IN THE FAMILY!"]

MR. POFFINGTON FLATTERS HIMSELF HE IS CREATING A SENSATION--(_Perhaps he is._)]

_Dr. Bear._ "PUT ON YOUR GOWN, SIR."

_Undergraduate._ "GOT IT ON, SIR!"]

THE MISSES WEASEL THINK CRINOLINE A PREPOSTEROUS AND EXTRAVAGANT INVENTION, AND APPEAR AT MRS. ROUNDABOUT'S PARTY IN A SIMPLE AND ELEGANT ATTIRE.]

"MARTHA, WAST 'E DONE WI' THE MILK?"

"GEEN IT TO THE SHILD."

"DANG THE SHILD, THEE SHOULD HA' GEEN IT TO TH' BULL PUP!"]

_Rioter._ "I SAY, OLD FELLER, OF COURSE YOU'LL FRATERNISE WITH US, AND COME AND BREAK SOME VINDERS."

_Soldier._ "OF COURSE I WON'T; BUT I'LL PUNCH YOUR HEAD IF YOU DONT MOVE OFF."]

_Ingenious Youth._ "OH! SUCH A LARK, BILL! I'VE BIN AND FILLED AN OLD COVE'S LETTER-BOX WITH GOOSEBERRY SKINS AND HOYSTER SHELLS,--AND RAPPED LIKE A POSTMAN!"

_Old Cove._ "_HAVE_ YOU?"]

"WELL, JIM, HAVE YOU HEARD THE LATEST INTELLIGENCE?"

"NO, VAT IS IT?"

"VY, COMMON GARDEN THEAYTER'S TO BE TURNED INTO A HOPERA FOR THE MILLION! AIN'T THAT PRIME?"]

_Cousin._ "CHARLIE!--JUST FANCY WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING!"

_Captain Charlie._ "WELL, GEORGIE!"

_Cousin._ "THAT--THAT--YOU AND I ARE GOING--A--A--TO BE--MARRIED!"

_Charlie_ (_with presence of mind_). "A--NEVER MIND, GEORGIE,--WE KNOW BETTER--WE ARE NOT SO FOOLISH!"]

_Youth._ "YOU NEEDN'T BE AFRAID, MA'AM. STAND BEHIND ME!"]

_Mamma_ (_staying with newly-married daughter_). "MY DEAREST, SWEETEST DARLING! WHAT! CRYING! WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

_Daughter_ (_with many sobs_). "OH, M-M-M-MAMMA DEAR! HERE'S CH-CH-CH-CHARLES SO DREADFULLY UNKIND. HE KNOWS THE H-H-HORSE-TAMING SECRET, AND HE W-W-W-WON'T TELL IT TO ME!"]

_Bill_ (_reads_). "'GENTLEMEN RIDERS ALLOWED FIVE POUNDS.'"

_Tom._ "'ALLOWED FIVE POUNDS!' WHY, I'D RIDE BETTER NOR HE FOR 'ARF A CROWN!"]

_Student._ "OH, MARY! HAVE YOU TAKEN UP THE LAMP AND THE CIGARS?"

_Mary._ "YES, SIR."

_Student._ "--AND THE WHISKEY, AND THE SUGAR, AND THE LEMON, AND BOILING WATER?"

_Mary._ "YES, SIR."

_Student._ "THEN COME, JACK! SUPPOSE WE GO INTO THE STUDY!"]

PATERFAMILIAS TRIES THE COLD WATER CURE IN A CASE OF ORGAN-GRINDING.]

_First Collier._ "SURREY, DUST THEE KNOW THE BISHOP'S COMING TO-MORROW?"

_Second Do._ "WOT'S THAT?"

_First Do._ (_emphatically_). "THE BISHOP!"

_Second Do._ "OI DON'T KNOW WHAT THEE MEAN'ST, BUT MOY BITCH, ROSE, SHALL PIN HER!"]

"BUY A LITTLE DORG, MARM?"]

A SKETCH, SHOWING THE DECENT MANNER IN WHICH THE "FORM OF PRAYER" WAS RETAILED ON THE FAST DAY.]

_Cabman_ (_whose temper has been ruffled by Omnibus-man_). "YOU!! WHY, YOU HUNGRY LOOKING WAGABUN, YOU LOOK AS IF YOU'D BIN LOCKED UP FOR A MONTH IN A COOK'S SHOP WITH A MUZZLE ON."]

_Superior Being (!)._ "YOU'LL PLEASE TO OBSERVE, MUM, THAT A DIWORCE IS A MUCH EASIER MATTER THAN IT USED TO BE--SO NONE OF YOUR VIOLENCE!"]

_Old Lady._ "AH! I WAS JUST SUCH ANOTHER WHEN I WAS HER AGE."]

_Charles._ "I SAY, CLARA, AIN'T IT JOLLY? I'VE MADE SUCH A CAPITAL BOOK ON THE DERBY!"

_Clara._ "I AM SURE, CHARLES, I AM DELIGHTED TO HEAR IT. ANY LITERARY PURSUIT MUST BE BETTER THAN THE HORRID PRACTICE YOU WERE GETTING INTO OF BETTING AT RACES!"]

_John Thomas._ "GET AWAY, BOY--GET AWAY, BOY!"

_Boy._ "SHAN'T! AND IF YER DON'T LET ME RIDE, I'LL SEND THIS 'ERE MUD OVER YER CALVES!"]

_Plush Adonis._ "I SHOULD OBSERVE, MY LADY,--THAT IF YOU ENGAGE ME, I SHOULD REQUIRE TO BE AT LEAST SIX MONTHS IN TOWN, IN A GOOD NEIGHBOURHOOD--AND THAT IF YOU SHOULD AT ANY TIME LIVE NORTH OF THE NEW ROAD, I SHOULD EXPECT FIVE GUINEAS PER ANNUM INCREASE OF SALARY!"

[_Fact._

]

_Mr. Hobble-de-Hoye._ "I'M VERY FOND OF 'EM--THERE'S NO ONE LOOKING!--DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULDN'T--I WILL!--YES--I'LL HAVE A PENN'ORTH!]"

_Swell_ (_who, when he is asked to dine at half-past six, thinks it fine to come at half-past eight_). "HAW! I'M AFRAID YOU'VE BEEN WAITING DINNAW FOR ME!"

_Lady of the House._ "OH DEAR, NO! WE HAVE DINED SOME TIME; WILL YOU TAKE SOME TEA?"]

_Veterinary Surgeon._ "LEGS QUEER, SIR! DO YOU 'ACK 'IM OR 'UNT 'IM?"

_Proprietor of Quadruped._ "I HUNT HIM SOMETIMES, BUT I MOSTLY USE HIM AS A HACK."

_Veterinary Surgeon._ "AH, SIR, THAT'S WHERE IT IS. IT AIN'T THE 'UNTING AS 'URTS 'IM, IT'S THE 'AMMER, 'AMMER, 'AMMER ALONG THE 'ARD 'IGH ROAD!"]

UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT HE IS UNOBSERVED, MR. PUDDLE OFFERS HIS HAND AND HEART TO THE OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTIONS.]

"I SAY, MISTER, HERE'S ME AND MY MATE WANTS OUR FOTERGRUFFS TOOK; AND MIND, WE WANTS 'EM 'ANSOM, COS THEY'RE TO GIVE TO TWO LADIES."]

_Dealer._ "THERE! I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO FIND A FAULT WITH HIM!"

_Customer._ "BUT HE'S GOT SUCH A BEASTLY TAIL!"

_Dealer._ "BEASTLY TAIL! THERE NEVER WAS A BAD RAT-TAILED 'OSS. WHY, _WE GO MILES TO FIND 'EM_!"]

_Friend from Town._ "WELL! AND HOW'S THE MARE?"