Chapter II: Part 2

_Country Friend._ "OH! ALL RIGHT, OLD BOY! SHE WILL BE AS FRESH AS PAINT FOR YOU TO-MORROW, FOR SHE HASN'T BEEN HUNTED SINCE THE DAY SHE PUT FRANK RAILER'S SHOULDER OUT!"]

THE GREAT MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT.--FAIR PLAY FOR THE BAKER.]

MR. PEEWIT HAS A LITTLE ADDITION TO HIS FAMILY--HE IS OBLIGED TO GET HIS MEALS ANYHOW--

AND--

ABDICATES IN FAVOUR OF THE _REAL_ MASTER OF THE HOUSE.]

AN ECONOMICAL MODE OF PUTTING TROOPS INTO WHITE TROUSERS.]

THE YOUNG GENT WHO IS GOING TO MAKE A RAPID FORTUNE BY BETTING.]

_Groom._ "BEG PARDON, SIR,--BUT WOS YOUR NAME TOMKINS?"

_Tomkins._ "YES!"

_Groom._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, MASTER SAYS HE WOS WERRY SORRY AS HE COULDN'T SEND THE FEEATON--BUT, AS HIS YOUNG 'OSS WANTED EXERCISE, HE THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T MIND RIDIN' OF 'IM."

[TOMKINS _bursts into a cold perspiration._

]

_Impudent Boy._ "I SAY, BILL! COME AND SEE THE CONJURING--HERE'S THIS HERE GAL A GOIN' TO SQUEEZE HERSELF INTO THAT THERE BROOM!"]

_Married Sister._ "OH, CHARLES DEAR! NURSE IS NOT VERY WELL, AND AS I MUST STAY WITH BABY, WOULD YOU TAKE FREDDY AND THE TWO LITTLE ONES FOR A WALK, ONLY CARRY THEM OVER THE CROSSINGS, THAT'S A DEAR!"]

_Party_ (_who hates bad music in the middle of the night_). "WH-A-T!! THE WAITS! CALLED FOR A CHRISTMAS BOX!--STOP A BIT!!"----

[_The rest is too terrible._

]

_Passer-by_ (_to the Crossing-Sweeper_). "WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?"

_Sweeper._ "WELL, SIR, I BELIEVE IT'S A KIND OF WEDDING; BUT IT AIN'T LIKELY TO BE AN 'APPY UNION--ONLY TWO BROUGHAMS AND A HACK CAB!"]

_Small Swell_ (_who has just finished a Quadrille_). "H'M, THANK GOODNESS, THAT'S OVER! DON'T GIVE ME YOUR BREAD-AND-BUTTER MISSES TO DANCE WITH. I LIKE YOUR GROWN WOMEN OF THE WORLD!"--(_N.B. The bread-and-butter Miss has asked him how old he was, and when he went back to School._)]

_Man of the World._ "WHAT RUBBISH ALL THIS IS ABOUT MARRYING ON £300 A-YEAR! WHY, IT AIN'T ENOUGH TO BUY A FELLAH CIGARS!"]

TALK OF A MAD DOG, INDEED!--WHAT'S THAT TO A WET ISLE OF SKYE TERRIER UNDER THE BREAKFAST TABLE ON A HUNTING MORNING, AMONGST THE NICE CLEAN TOPS AND BUCKSKINS?

[_A Favourite Lawn Meet--and not a moment to spare._

]

_Florence._ "----AND HOW OLD IS YOUR PONY, FRED?"

_Fred._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW, EXACTLY--BUT ROBERT THINKS HE IS ABOUT FOURTEEN YEARS!"

_Florence._ "OH!--THEN I SUPPOSE HE WILL VERY SOON BE A HORSE!"]

POOR FELLOWS! THEY CAN'T GET ANY HUNTING, AND ARE OBLIGED TO PLAY AT SCRATCH CRADLE WITH THEIR COUSINS.]

_Frederic_ (_a very big boy_). "THAT'S A NICEISH PONY OF YOURS, CHARLEY.--BY THE BYE, HOW HEAVY ARE YOU?"

_Charley._ "WELL, WITHIN A POUND OF THREE STONE, I'M SORRY TO SAY."

_Frederic._ "OH, I CALL THAT A NICE WEIGHT. NOW, I'M OBLIGED TO HAVE VERY EXPENSIVE PONIES, FOR, WITH SADDLE AND BRIDLE, I DON'T RIDE LESS THAN FOUR STONE TWO!"]

_Frank._ "I SAY, GRANDPA! HAVEN'T YOU GOT SOME CHAPS COMING TO GRUB WITH YOU TO-DAY?"

_Grandpa._ "EH! WHAT? SOME GENTLEMEN ARE COMING TO DINE WITH ME TO-DAY, SIR, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN!"

_Frank._ "HAH! SAME THING! WELL, LOOK HERE! YOUR COOK ISN'T A GREAT HAND AT A SALAD--NOW THAT'S A THING I FLATTER MYSELF I UNDERSTAND BETTER THAN MOST MEN--SO, IF YOU LIKE, I'LL MIX YOU ONE!"]

_Flora._ "WELL, RONALD! AND HOW DO YOU LIKE ROTTEN ROW?"

_Ronald._ "OH, PRETTY WELL; BUT IT'S RATHER SLOW WORK TO A MAN WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO GO ACROSS COUNTRY AS I HAVE ALL MY LIFE!"]

_Lord Eustace_ (_a young Nobleman in love_). "TELL ME, THOMPSON, ARE THOSE THE BIRDS?"

_Thompson_ (_his confidential Servant_). "YES, MY LORD."

_Eust._ "THEY ARE YOUNG?"

_Thomp._ "THEY ARE, MY LORD."

_Eust._ "AND THE WINE?"

_Thomp._ "LAFITTE--44, MY LORD."

_Eust._ "YOU HAVE DRAWN THE CURTAINS?"

_Thomp._ "EVEN SO, MY LORD."

_Eust._ "AND YOU HAVE PLACED SOME COALS UPON THE FIRE?"

_Thomp._ "MY LORD, THIS MOMENT I HAVE DONE SO."

_Eust._ "THEN--THEN--LEAVE ME!!"

[_And his Lordship pegs away at the Birds, drinks a Bottle of Claret,
and feels all the better._

]

"WHY, FWED!--WHAWT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR LEGS?"

"WHY, YOU SEE, PEG-TOP TROUSERS ARE GETTING SO COMMON, I'M GOING TO GIVE NATURE A CHANCE!"]

ON THE MORNING AFTER THE DISPENSARY BALL, AS EMILY DEUXTEMPS AND CLARA POLKINGTON WERE SITTING IN THE PLANTATION, WHO SHOULD COME TO THE VERY SPOT BUT CAPTAIN FASTMAN AND YOUNG REGINALD FIPPS!]

_Recruiting Sergeant._ "NOW, BRAVE BOYS, WITH THOSE WHISKERS AND SHOULDERS, YOU SHOULD BE WITH US, AND--I'M SURE THE LADIES WOULD EXCUSE YOU!"]

AND

_First Elegant Mamma._ "HOW SHOCKING THIS IS!--THE WAY NURSERYMAIDS NEGLECT THE CHILDREN!"

_Second Do._ "YES, DEAR! AND I DON'T SEE THAT ANYTHING CAN BE DONE. FOR WHAT WITH PARTIES, AND THE TIME ONE NATURALLY DEVOTES TO DRESSING, AND THE NUMEROUS CALLS ONE HAS TO MAKE, ONE CAN'T LOOK AFTER ONE'S OWN CHILDREN, YOU KNOW!"]

"THE DEAR GIRLS REALLY MUST HAVE SOME NEW BONNETS, FOR THEY CANNOT POSSIBLY WEAR THOSE NASTY, SHABBY, DIRTY, OLD WINTER THINGS ANY LONGER."]

_Little Foot Page._ "I SAY, MARIA, WHAT'S A RHYME TO CUPID?"

_Maria._ "WHY, STUPID RHYMES TO CUPID--DON'T IT, STUPID?"]

_Shop-girl_ (_who has been expected to possess_ TENNYSON'S "_Miller's Daughter_"). "NO, MISS! WE'VE NOT GOT THE MILLER'S BUT HERE'S THE RATCATCHER'S DAUGHTER, JUST PUBLISHED!!"]

_Rude Boy._ "OH CRIKEY, BILL, IF 'ERE AIN'T THE GREAT ORANGOUTANG BEEN TO A TAILOR, AND GOT RIGGED OUT AS A SWELL!"]

_Fair Equestrian._ "OH! I WANT TO RIDE ON THE SANDS WITH THIS LITTLE BOY.--HAVE YOU A HORSE DISENGAGED FOR HIM? ANY BIT OF A PONY THING, YOU KNOW, WILL DO FOR ME!"]

_Lady Crinoline._ "YES, LOVE--A VERY PRETTY CHURCH, BUT THE DOOR IS CERTAINLY VERY NARROW!"]

BY A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY.]

_Old Boy_ (_loq._). "OH, SHE'S A CHARMING GYUIRL, AND, UPON MY SAUL! I THINK SHE LIKES ME AMAZINGLY!"]

_Professional Man._--"AH! IT'S VERY LUCKY YOU CAME TO ME IN TIME.--YOU SEE, MA'AM, YOU HAVE HAD INFLAMMATION OF THE BRONCHIAL TUBES, WHICH, ACTING UPON THE FLEXOR LONGUS DIGITORUM PEDIS, HAS OCCASIONED AN ABRASION OF THE DIGASTRICUS, OR, AS SOME CALL IT, THE BIVENTER MAXILLÆ INFERIORIS; AND WHICH MIGHT HAVE ENDED IN CONFIRMED DELIRIUM TREMENS, OR EVEN PREMATURE ELEPHANTIASIS. HOWEVER, I DARESAY, &c., &c., &c.

[_Old Lady gasps for breath._

]

(_A Perfidious Misrepresentation, of course._)]

_Jules_ (_who affects English manners and customs_). "GOOD--A--BY, OLE BOY! I GO TO MAKE A PROMENADE IN MY TO-CAR."

(_Which being interpreted means that Jules is going for a drive in his Dog-Cart._])

_Lecturer on Electro-Biology._ "NOW, SIR! YOU CAN'T JUMP OVER THAT STICK! AHEM!"

_Subject._ "JUMP? EH! UGH! LOR BLESS ME, JUMP! NO, I KNOW I CAN'T--NEVER COULD JUMP--UGH!"

[_Thunders of applause from the Gentlemen in the cane-bottom
chairs_--(_i.e. believers_).

]

_Irish Jarvie_ (_with much excitement_). "NOT FAST ENOUGH! IS IT? OH THIN, YER 'ONOR, JIST JUMP UP, TILL I TIRRIFY YE THE WAY I'LL ROWL ALONG!"]

_Apothecary's Boy_ (_to party rather proud of his Horsemanship_). "I SAY, MISTER, MIND WHAT YOU'RE AT, OR YOU'LL BE OFF THE _SHOPBOARD_!"]

_Small Sweeper_ (_to Crimean Hero_). "NOW, CAPTAIN, GIVE US A COPPER, AND I'LL SEE YER SAFE OVER THE CROSSING!"]

_Frederick._ "NOW, GIRLS, PULL AWAY--DON'T BE IDLE!"]

_Frank._ "THERE, CHARLEY! WE HAVE A GOOD MANY OF THOSE LITTLE DOUBLES HERE; BUT, BLESS YOU! OUR HORSES THINK NOTHING OF 'EM!"

_Charley_ (_who is not to be beaten_). "HA, I SEE!--NICE CLEAN JUMPING! NOW, IN OUR COUNTRY THE FENCES ARE BIG AND CRAMPED!"]

_Female._ "WELL! THERE CAN BE NO QUESTION ABOUT ONE THING!--THEY CERTAINLY DO MAKE YOU LOOK YOUNGER!"]

_Mrs. Popps._ "WELL, WHAT I SAY IS, THEY ARE VERY BECOMING--AND UNCOMMON COMFORTABLE?"]

_Amelia._ "MAMMA, DEAR! HERE'S A NOTE FROM DEAR WILLIAM, WITH A BOX FOR THE OPERA, I SHOULDN'T WONDER." (_Reads_):--"_My darling Amelia, Circumstances over which I have no control will take me as far as Greenwich. I have left my Latch-key--please to get it from the Waistcoat I took off, and send it by the Bearer to your ever affectionate Kidums._"]

_Flora._ "OH, I AM SO GLAD--DEAR HARRIET--THERE IS A CHANCE OF PEACE--I AM MAKING THESE SLIPPERS AGAINST DEAR ALFRED COMES BACK!"

_Cousin Tom._ "HAH, WELL!--I AIN'T QUITE SO ANXIOUS ABOUT PEACE--FOR, YOU SEE, SINCE THOSE SOLDIER CHAPS HAVE BEEN ABROAD, WE CIVILIANS HAVE HAD IT PRETTY MUCH OUR OWN WAY WITH THE GURLS!"]

_Darling._ "OH, MAMMA, DEAR! WHAT SPLENDID FLOWERS!"

_Mamma._ "YES, DEAR, PUT IT DOWN. THAT IS MY WREATH. I'M GOING TO THE OPERA!"

_Darling._ "OH! AND WHEN I GROW A BIG LADY, MAY I WEAR A WREATH, AND GO TO THE OPERA?"

_Mamma._ "WELL, DEAR, I HOPE SO!"

_Darling._ "WHAT, AND TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL VELVET AND GOLD CHURCH SERVICE UNCLE CHARLES GAVE ME?"]

BOWKER, WHO IS FOND OF NICE THINGS FOR BREAKFAST, AND SOMETIMES MARKETS FOR HIMSELF, BECOMES AN OBJECT OF INTEREST FROM HAVING LAID IN A FEW BLOATERS, AND HALF-A-POUND OF FRESH CAMBRIDGE SAUSAGES, FROM BOND STREET--AND WHICH SAUSAGES AND BLOATERS ARE IN HIS COAT-POCKET.]

_Tourist._ "WELL, BUT MY GOOD FELLOW, YOU CAN'T CARRY US, AND ALL OUR LUGGAGE!"

_Car Driver._ "OGH, NIVER FEAR, YER 'ONOUR, SHURE I'D CARRY _TWICED_ AS MUCH!"]

_Mr. Muff._ "BUT--THEY SAID HE WAS WELL KNOWN IN THIS HUNT!"

_Farmer._ "OH, YES--AND SO HE IS VERY WELL KNOWN. HE'S BROKE MORE COLLAR BONES THAN ALL THE 'OSSES IN ENGLAND."

BY MUCH THE PLEASANTEST WAY OF SEA-BATHING IS TO TAKE A BOAT, AND HAVE A GOOD SWIM IN THE CLEAR BLUE WATER--AND ISN'T IT NICE SCRAMBLING INTO THE BOAT AGAIN! EH?]

_Lieutenant Fopson_ (_of the 121st, to his Elder Brother, who is home for the Holidays_).--"A-SAY, OLD FELLAH!--DON'T YOU WISH YOU HAD LEFT SCHOOL?--IT MUST BE SUCH A HORRID BAW TO BE FLOGGED FOR SMOKING!"]

_Swell Soldier._ "WHAT, DINE OFF WOAST AND BOILED, JUST LIKE SNOBS--NO!--BY JOVE!--I SHALL CUT THE ARMY, AND GO INTO THE CHURCH!"]

_Clara_ (_emphatically_). "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, FRANK--I SHALL ALWAYS THINK IT A _NASTY_, _ODIOUS_, _DIRTY_, _FILTHY_, _DISGUSTING_, AND _MOST OBJECTIONABLE_ HABIT!"

_Frank._ "HAW!--NOW, I'M REALLY SURPRISED, CLARA, TO HEAR SUCH A CLEVER GIRL AS YOU ARE RUNNING DOWN SMOKING IN SUCH STRONG LANGUAGE--FOR IT'S ADMITTED, BY ALL SENSIBLE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, THAT IT'S THE _ABUSE OF TOBACCO_ THAT'S WRONG!"

[_Which little bit of sophistry completely vanquishes_ CLARA.

]

A SKETCH FROM THE BOULEVARD.]

_Studious Boy._ "JOHNNY!--I ADVISE YOU NOT TO BE A GOOD BOY!"

_Johnny._ "WHY?"

_Studious Boy._ "BECAUSE IN BOOKS ALL GOOD BOYS DIE, YOU KNOW!"]

_Dick_ (_to little Brother_). "HAH! THIS IS ONE OF THE DISAGREEABLES IN BEING GROWN UP. WHY, BLESS YOU, IF I DIDN'T SHAVE TWICE A DAY THIS WARM WEATHER, I SHOULD NOT BE FIT TO BE SEEN!"]

MASTER GEORGE AND THE DRAGON-FLIES. AS THEY APPEARED TO HIS EXCITED IMAGINATION WHEN HE WAS OUT FISHING THE OTHER DAY.]

_Delightful Boy._ "OH! LOOK 'ERE, JIM! HERE'S A SWELL--LET'S FRIGHTEN 'IS 'ORSE!"]

NEVER GO TO SLEEP WHILE YOU ARE HAVING YOUR HAIR CUT IN PARIS, OR IT MAY BE CUT IN THE FIRST STYLE OF FASHION!]

_Ticket Collector_ (_without any feeling_). "TICKETS, SIR! THANKYE, SIR! BOAT RETURNS AT 3!"]

_Advertising Medium._ "COME, NOW, YOU LEAVE ORF! OR I'LL CALL THE PERLICE!"]

_Military Man._ "WELL! WHAT ARE YER A STARIN' AT?--AIN'T YER NEVER SEED A SODGER BEFORE?"]

_Juvenile_ (_à propos of Highlander in sentry-box_). "OH! MY WIG, CHARLEY, WHAT A JOLLY JACK-IN-THE-GREEN HE'D MAKE!"]

"HEY, COLIN! DINNA YE KEN THE WATTER'S FOR DRINK, AND NAE FOR BATHIN'?"]

_Stout Party_ (_who suffers much from heat, and has in vain attempted to conceal himself_). "OH, I BELIEVE WE ARE ENGAGED FOR THIS DANCE. I'VE BEEN--THAT IS--I'VE--EH?--I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU--A--A--EVERYWHERE--PHEW!"]

_Lizzie._ "OH, MR. POFFLES, I FIND I HAVE MADE A MISTAKE--I SEE I WAS ENGAGED FOR THIS DANCE."]

_Sensitive Party._ "WHO IS THAT GIRL WITH THE NEZ RETROUSSÉ?"

_Amiable Party_ (_who has rather a prominent beak_). "NEZ RETROUSSÉ! DO YOU MEAN THAT GIRL WITH THE PUG NOSE?"]

"LARK! I SAY! WHAT'LL MY OLD MAN THINK WHEN HE SEE ME IN THIS 'ERE 'AT?"]

_Mrs. Blanch._ "I ASSURE YOU, MY LOVE, HE IS COMPLETELY UNDER MY CONTROL. HE NEVER TALKS NOW OF SUCH A THING AS GOING TO HIS CLUB OR DINING AT GREENWICH WITH HIS BACHELOR FRIENDS, AND HE WILL READ TO ME WHILE I WORK FOR THE HOUR TOGETHER."

_Mrs. Catherine._ "OH, I MUST CERTAINLY LEARN THE ART. FOR MY AUGUSTUS IS REALLY DREADFUL!"]

_Frederick._ "BUT I ASSURE YOU, DEAREST----"

_Emily._ "OH, NONSENSE, FREDERICK!--DON'T TELL ME! I JUDGE BY DEEDS, NOT WORDS; AND I AM SURE YOU CANNOT REALLY LOVE ME, OR YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE GIVEN THAT HORRID MISS CLAPPERTON THE WING OF THE CHICKEN, AND ME THE LEG. BESIDES, YOU HANDED THE STRAWBERRIES FIRST TO FLORA GIGGLES, AND YOU KNOW HOW I HATE HER."]

BURSTING OF OLD MRS. TWADDLE'S AQUA-VIVARIUM. THE OLD LADY MAY BE OBSERVED ENDEAVOURING TO PICK UP HER FAVOURITE EEL WITH THE TONGS, A WORK REQUIRING SOME ADDRESS.]

_Lady Flora._ "FOUR-IN-HAND CLUB, INDEED! FOR MY PART, I THINK YOUNG MEN OF FORTUNE MIGHT EMPLOY THEIR TIME MUCH BETTER THAN DRIVING HORSES TO GREENWICH! DON'T YOU, ALICE?"

_Alice_ (_with a tremendous sigh_). "OH, YES! DEAR!"

]

MR. PUNCH'S ADVICE TO HOUSEKEEPERS.

FOR EXAMPLE:--BY GETTING UP AT DAY-BREAK, CLEANING OUT YOUR STABLE, AND TAKING THE HORSES OUT FOR EXERCISE, YOU WILL ACCOMPLISH YOUR OBJECT.]

AND----ENABLE THE GROOMS TO GET THEIR BREAKFAST COMFORTABLY, AND SO KEEP THEM IN GOOD HUMOUR FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.]

HAVING THOROUGHLY DRESSED AND FED THE HORSES, YOU HAD BETTER SET TO WORK UPON THE BOOTS OF THE ESTABLISHMENT. THE KNIVES, AS YOU HAVE A MACHINE, YOU MAY AS WELL DO. AND, WHILE YOUR HANDS ARE SOILED, YOU HAD BETTER HELP ALPHONSO TO CARRY UP SOME COALS.]

THERE CAN BE NO REASON WHY THE GIRLS SHOULDN'T DRESS THEMSELVES, THAT PARKER THE MAID MAY GO TO HER DANCING.]

AS FOR JOHN THOMAS, THE BEST PLAN, OF COURSE, IS TO WAIT UPON _HIM_, AND THEN, PERHAPS (ALTHOUGH IT BY NO MEANS FOLLOWS), HE MAY BE SATISFIED!

[_As most Domestics are fond of the Organ-grinders, you had better
engage one of an evening for their amusement._

]

IT IS CERTAINLY BETTER TO MIND THE BROUGHAM YOURSELF, ESPECIALLY IN FOGGY WEATHER, AS, IN CONSEQUENCE OF ROBERT'S UNFORTUNATE PROPENSITY, YOUR FAMILY ARE ALWAYS MORE OR LESS IN DANGER WHEN RETURNING FROM THE THEATRE. ]

NEVER DISTURB THE MAIDS IN THE MORNING, BUT JUMP OUT OF BED THE MOMENT YOU HEAR THE SWEEP, AND LET HIM IN; IT ISN'T MUCH TROUBLE, AND SAVES A WORLD OF GRUMBLING.]

FOR A COLD IN THE HEAD THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A STEAM BATH, AND THIS CAN BE HAD IN YOUR OWN BEDROOM WITH THE GREATEST EASE--YOU HAVE ONLY TO----]

(_New Version._)

"I SAY, JIM, VOT'S A PANIC?"

"BLOW'D IF I KNOW; BUT THERE'S VON TO BE SEEN IN THE CITY."]

_Puseyite Parson._ "WHAT! WANT TO LEAVE YOUR SITUATION! WHY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE PERFECTLY SATISFIED!"

_Cook._ "WELL, SIR, THE FACT IS, I AIN'T EQUAL TO THEM FAST DAYS; FOR WHAT WITH A HEGG HERE, AND A HEGG THERE, AND LITTLE BITS O' FISH FOR BREAKFASTES, AND LITTLE BITS O' FISH FOR DINNERS, AND THE SWEET OMELICKS, AND THE FRIED AND THE STEWED HOYSTERS, AND THE BASHAWED LOBSTERSES, AND ONE THINK AND THE HOTHER, THERE'S SO MUCH COOKING, THAT I AIN'T EVEN TIME TO MAKE UP A CAP!"]

_Irritable Old Gentleman_ (_giving Conductor a tremendous poke in the ribs_). "HOLLO, THERE! STOP! WHAT THE D * * * * CONFOUND YOU, DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STOP AT ACACIA VILLA?"

_Extremely Civil Conductor._ "DEAR ME, SO YOU DID, SIR--BEG YOUR PARDON, I'M SURE, SIR, BUT I REALLY QUITE FORGOT IT."

_Irritable Old Gentleman._ "D-D-DON'T BEG MY PARDON, YOU IMPUDENT SCOUNDREL!--IF YOU GIVE ME ANY OF YOUR BAD LANGUAGE, I'LL HAVE YOU UP AS SURE AS YOU'RE BORN."]

_Groom_ (_to Old Coachman_). "WHY, GUV'NR, WHAT HEVER'S THE MATTER?"

_Old Coachman_ (_sobbing_). "AH, WILLIAM! MOST AFFECTIN' SIGHT! I'VE JUST SEEN THE FOUR-IN-HAND CLUB GOING DOWN TO GREENWICH! TEN ON 'EM! BEAUTIFUL TEAMS! AND DRIVEN BY REG'LAR TIP-TOP SWELLS! IT'S BIN A'MOST TOO MUCH FOR ME!"

[_Is relieved by tears._

]

_John Thomas._ "YES, I MUST LEAVE. YOU SEE, MARY, MY DEAR--THERE'S TOO MUCH RED IN THE LIVERY, AND THAT DON'T SUIT MY COMPLEXION--NEVER DID!"]

"THIS IS ABOUT THE MARK, I THINK."]

_Sarah Jane To Betsy Ann._ "OH, YES! IF IT COMES TO THAT, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE CAN STICK OUT AS MUCH AS OTHER PEOPLE--I ALWAYS WEARS ONE O' MOTHER'S OLD CLOTHES-BASKETS."]

_Swell_ (_loq._). "IN FACT, I'M QUITE USED UP--AND IF I DON'T VERY SOON GET TO SOME WATERING PLACE, I SHALL BE A--A--"

[_Cartman pulls string--Grand display of the whole system of Fountains._

]

MR. BELVILLE DE COURCY WALKS ON THE ESPLANADE, UNDER THE IDEA THAT HE IS CREATING NO END OF SENSATION IN A CERTAIN DRAWING-ROOM.

ALAS! HE LITTLE KNOWS, THAT OWING TO THE VERY INFERIOR QUALITY OF THE GLASS IN THAT DRAWING-ROOM WINDOW, HIS SPLENDID FIGURE IS DISTORTED AS ABOVE.]

YES, MY DEARS; I KNOW THE SEA-BREEZE AFTER BATHING IS BENEFICIAL TO THE BACK HAIR;--BUT CONSIDER THE HEART OF YOUR TOO SUSCEPTIBLE PUNCH!]

_Disgusting Boy._ "I SAY, CLARA!--I'M SO JOLLY GLAD, I AM. DO YOU KNOW, ALL THE PIPES ARE FROZE, AND WE SHAN'T BE ABLE TO HAVE ANY OF THAT HORRID WASHING THESE COLD MORNINGS!--AIN'T IT PRIME!"

[_Sensation._

]

_Arthur._ "DO YOU KNOW, FREDDY, THAT WE ARE ONLY MADE OF DUST!"

_Freddy._ "ARE WE? THEN I'M SURE WE OUGHT TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW WE PITCH INTO EACH OTHER SO, FOR FEAR WE MIGHT CRUMBLE EACH OTHER ALL TO PIECES!"]

_Lover._ "WHAT A BORE, JUST AS I WAS GOING TO POP THE QUESTION TO JENNY JONES, HERE'S MY NURSE COME FOR ME!"]

NOBBS HAVING COME WITH HIS FAMILY TO THE SEA-SIDE FOR A LITTLE CHANGE OF SCENE, COMPLAINS THAT THEY HAVE BEEN TERRIBLY BITTEN BY--(BUT NO, WE WILL NOT MENTION THE HORRID CREATURES)--AND IS ADDRESSED THUS BY THE LODGING-HOUSE KEEPER: "THEN HALL I CAN SAY, SIR, HIS--THAT IF YOU'VE BEEN HILL-CONWENIENCED BY 'EM, YOU MUST 'A BROUGHT 'EM DOWN WITH YOU IN YOUR PORTMANTEL!"]

MR. WIGGINS HAS A FINE OPPORTUNITY OF DISPLAYING HIS POLITENESS AND ACTIVITY]

_Foot-Boy._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, COOK TOLD ME TO ASK YOU WHAT FISH YOU'D LIKE TO-DAY?"]

_Young Sparrow._ "OH, I'M SORRY TO TROUBLE YOU, UNCLE--BUT COULD YOU LEND ME A RAZOR? MY CONFOUNDED FELLOW HASN'T PACKED UP MY DRESSING-CASE!"]

_Oyster-Man_ (_to Hairy Gents_). "OYSTERS, SIR! YES, SIR! SHALL I TAKE YER BEARDS OFF?"

[_Gents have an uncomfortable idea that they are being chaffed._

]

_Gentleman._ "LETS HAVE A BOILED MACKEREL."

_Waiter._ "BILED, SIR! BETTER HAVE 'EM BRILED, SIR. IF THEY'RE BILED, THEY'RE SPILED, SIR!"]

_Respectable Citizen_ (_reads Placard_). "'_The Public are cautioned against Card-Sharpers, Gamblers, and Pickpockets._' * * * WHY, I THOUGHT SUCH PEOPLE WAS ALL DONE AWAY WITH. DIDN'T YOU, MO?"]

_Parent._ "I SHOULD LIKE YOU TO BE VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT HIS HAIR."

_Photographic Artist (!)._ "OH, MUM, THE 'AIR IS HEASY ENOUGH! IT'S THE HI'S WHERE WE FIND THE DIFFICULTY."]

"THE VERY IDEA OF WORK THIS BEAUTIFUL WEATHER IS REPUGNANT TO MY FEELINGS."

[_Extract from our Young Friend * * *'s Letter._

]

_Mary._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, MISSUS SAY YOU MUST FIND ROOM FOR THIS IN YOUR PORTMANTEL."]

_Gent_ (_with much pride_). "THERE'S ONE THING, 'ARRY, AS ALWAYS STRIKES ME A GOING DOWN TO THE DARBY, AND THAT IS HOW THE NUMBER OF SPLENDID EQUIPAGES MUST ASTONISH THE FOREIGNER!"]

WHO RATHER PRIDES HIMSELF UPON THE ELEGANT MANNER IN WHICH HE TAKES OFF HIS HAT. THIS TIME, HOWEVER, ALTHOUGH THE HAT IS REMOVED, THE LINING STICKS.]

_Gallant Swell_ (_who of course comes to the rescue_). "HAW! CAN I BE OF ANY SERVICE?"

_Beauty._ "OH, YES! IF YOU WOULD SIT UPON THE HORSE'S HEAD, I SHOULD BE _SO_ MUCH OBLIGED."]

_A Stereoscopic Scene from Fashionable Life._

"_Love, Pride, Revenge._"--THE GROUP REPRESENTS A YOUNG MINSTREL OF HUMBLE ORIGIN, DECLARING HIS PASSION TO A LADY OF NOBLE PARENTAGE. HER HAUGHTY BROTHER, AS MAY BE SEEN FROM HIS MENACING ATTITUDE, IS ABOUT TO AVENGE THE INSULT OFFERED TO HIS FAMILY!]

WHO SEES THE OBJECT OF HIS ADMIRATION FLY OVER A HOG-BACKED STILE, HE HAVING THE GREATEST AVERSION TO TIMBER.]

A HINT FOR THE SEA-SIDE.]

_Affable Young Gent_ (_who is never distant to Strangers_). "WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE _Bell's Life_, SIR? THERE'S AN OUT-AND-OUT STUNNING MILL BETWEEN CONKEY JIM AND THE PORKY ONE!"]

_Lucy._ "WELL, REGINALD, AND WHEN DO YOU GO BACK TO SCHOOL?"

_Reginald._ "OH! THE DAY AFTER TO-MORROW!--AND AIN'T IT A BORE, JUST AS ONE'S HUNTERS ARE IN SUCH SPLENDID CONDITION?"]

DURING SOME OF THE WINTER MONTHS, WITH A NICE BRACING NORTH-EAST WIND BLOWING, YOU MAY GO TO MANCHESTER AND BACK FOR 5_s_.--AN OPPORTUNITY NOT TO BE LOST--OH DEAR, NO!]

_Flora._ "CAN YOU STILL SEE THE STEAMER, LUCY, DEAR?"

_Lucy._ "OH, YES, QUITE PLAINLY!"

_Flora._ "AND DEAR, DEAR WILLIAM, TOO?"

_Lucy._ "OH, YES!"

_Flora._ "DOES HE SEEM UNHAPPY, NOW HE IS AWAY FROM ME?"

_Lucy._ "EVIDENTLY, I SHOULD SAY, DEAR; FOR HE IS SMOKING A CIGAR, AND DRINKING SOMETHING OUT OF A TUMBLER TO CHEER HIM, POOR FELLOW!"]

_Augustus_ (_who was rapidly coming to the point_). "THEN, EMILY! OH, MAY I CALL YOU EMILY?--SWEETEST!--BEST!--SAY THAT YOU WILL NOT GO--WITHOUT----"

_Fish-woman_ (_cuts in_). "ANY FEESH TO-DAY, MARM?--ANY MACKEREEL, SOLES, OR WHITING?"]

_Lady._ "AND SO, CAPTAIN--THEY SAY YOU ARE GOING TO TURN BENEDICK?"

_Adonis._ "WHY, YA-AS--AW--I DIDN'T WISH TO--BUT--AW--IN FACT, LADY MARY'S ATTENTIONS BECAME SO MARKED--THAT--AW--THE THING AW--WAS INEVITABLE--AW."]

_Chambermaid._ "VERY SORRY, BUT YOUR LUGGAGE HAS GONE ON TO LONDON, SIR."]

_Waterman._ "YOU'VE NO CALL TO BE AFEARD, MISS; WE'RE LICENSED TO CARRY SIX!"]

THE O.P.Q. HOUNDS HAVE A RATTLING HOUR AND TEN MINUTES AFTER A GOOD STOUT BUTTERFLY, OVER A SPLENDID PRIMROSE AND VIOLET COUNTRY.----

_Huntsman_ (_loq._). "SHALL I GIVE THE WINGS TO THE LADY, SIR?"]

_Mamma._ "I WONDER WHERE THAT CHILD, ARTHUR, IS--HE IS VERY QUIET. I HOPE HE IS NOT IN MISCHIEF."

_Child._ "OH, NO, MAMMA, DEAR! HE'S NOT IN MISCHIEF, FOR HE IS IN THE LIBRARY, PLAYING WITH THE PENS AND INK."]

_Fast Young Lady_ (_to Old Gent_). "HAVE YOU SUCH A THING AS A LUCIFER ABOUT YOU, FOR I'VE LEFT MY CIGAR-LIGHTS AT HOME!"]

DISMAY OF TOOTLES AT HEARING A STRANGER COMMENCE "THE STANDARD BEARER"--A SONG WHICH HE (TOOTLES) HAS BEEN PRACTISING FOR MONTHS, WITH THE VIEW OF CREATING A SENSATION AT MRS. BLOWER'S MUSICAL EVENING.--UNFORTUNATELY, TOO, FOR TOOTLES, "THE STANDARD BEARER" IS HIS ONLY SONG!]

_Small Boy._ "OH, AIN'T IT A SHAME! THEY'RE A-GOING TO TAKE OFF THEM POOR COVES' BOOTS AND COATS, AND PUT 'EM ON FROCKS AND TROWSERS."]

GALLANT AND DARING ACT OF PRIVATE LOBBS (OF THE CRUSHERS), WHO, BY HIMSELF, STORMED AN OLD TREE, AND VERY NEARLY CAPTURED THREE SMALL BOYS.]

_Huntsman_ (_riding furiously over a fence to a Scarecrow_). "* * * * * * * *--YOU GREAT FOOL, WHAT THE DEUCE DO YOU STAND POINTING THERE FOR?--WHY DON'T YOU HOLLER OUT WHICH WAY THE FOX BE GONE? BLOWED IF I DON'T CUT YOU INTO BITS!"]

_Boy._ "OH, COME HERE, TOMMY!--HERE'S SUCH A LOT O' GRAINS BIN SHOT DOWN HERE! LET'S TURN 'EAD OVER 'EELS IN 'EM!"]

_Youth._ "HERE'S A NUISANCE, NOW! BLOWED IF I AIN'T LEFT MY CIGAR-CASE ON MY DRESSING-ROOM TABLE, AND THAT YOUNG BROTHER OF MINE WILL HAVE ALL MY BEST REGALIAS!"]

_Grandmamma._ "WELL, CHARLEY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN LEARNING TO-DAY?"

_Charley._ "PNEUMATICS, GRAN'MA!--AND I CAN TELL YOU SUCH A DODGE!--IF I WAS TO PUT YOU UNDER A GLASS RECEIVER, AND EXHAUST THE AIR, ALL YOUR WRINKLES WOULD COME OUT AS SMOOTH AS GRANDPAPA'S HEAD!"]

_Fascinating Gent_ (_to precocious Little Girl_). "YOU ARE A VERY NICE LITTLE GIRL; YOU SHALL BE MY WIFEY WHEN YOU GROW UP!"----

_Little Girl._ "NO, THANK YOU; I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A HUSBAND; BUT AUNT BESSY DOES. I HEARD HER SAY SO!"

[_Sensation on the part of Aunt Bessy._

]

_Schoolboy_ (_to Farmer who has come out to protect his fields_). "NOW THEN, OLD TURNIP-TOPS! _WARE WHEAT!_"]

HERE'S POOR YOUNG WIGGLES ANXIOUS TO MEET THE BEING HE ADORES, BUT CANNOT DO SO, BECAUSE THE NEWLY-PITCHED BOAT UPON WHICH HE HAS BEEN SITTING, HAS CAUGHT HIM ALIVE, O!]

_Chair Proprietor._ "WOULD YOU PLEASE TO PAY FOR THE CHEERS, MUM?"

_Lady._ "HOW MUCH?"

_Chair Proprietor._ "WELL, MUM--HOW MANY MIGHT YOU BE A SITTIN' ON?"]

SOME LIKE ONE THING, AND SOME ANOTHER--FOR EXAMPLE, JACK LIKES A BLOW ON THE NORTH CLIFF----]

_Papa_. "THERE, THERE! MY LITTLE POPPET! DON'T CRY! DON'T CRY!--IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE THE MEASLES, YOU WILL SOON BE WELL AGAIN, I HOPE. THERE, THERE!"

_Blanche_ (_sobbing violently_). "I--I--I--I'M NOT CRYING, PAPA, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO HAVE THE MEASLES; BUT BECAUSE I--I--I--THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO RIDE MARY'S PONY ALL THE TIME SHE WAS ILL, AND NOW I SHAN'T!"]

_Mamma_. "WHY, GOOD GRACIOUS, NURSE! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ADOLPHUS! HE LOOKS VERY ODD!"

_Nurse_. "AND WELL HE MAY, MUM! FOR HE THOUGHT THE COLOURED BALLS IN MISS CHARLOTTE'S NEW GAME OF SOLITAIRE WAS BULL'S EYES, AND HE'S SWALLOWED EVER SO MANY OF 'EM."]

BY BREATHING ON THE GLASS--AND HOLDING A SPEAKING DOLL BY WAY OF BABY TO THE WINDOW--YOU MAY GENERALLY KEEP YOUR COMPARTMENT SELECT.]

"HOLLO, JIMMY!--WHERE ARE YOU A-GOING WITH YOURN?"

"HESPLANADE!--WHERE BE YOU?"

"PROSPEC PLACE!"

[_Exit Companions of the Bath._

]

_Small Boy_ (_to prodigious Swell_). "I SAY, MISTER, KETCH MY DONKEY, THAT'S A GOOD CHAP--I'LL DO THE SAME FOR YOU ANOTHER TIME!"]

_Testy Old Gent_ (_wearied by the importunities of the Brighton Boatman_). "CONFOUND IT, MAN! DO I _LOOK_ AS IF I WANTED A BOAT?"]

_Bathing Attendant._ "HERE, BILL! THE GENT WANTS TO BE TOOK OUT DEEP--TAKE 'IM _INTO THE DRAIN_!"]

OLD DIPPS DECLARES THEY MANAGE SEA-BATHING BETTER IN FRANCE, AND THAT WHEN HE IS AT BO-LONG, HE DOES AS BO-LONG DOES--WELL! THAT'S A MATTER OF TASTE!]

_Mamma._ "WHY, TOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT NASTY DUST-PAN AND BROOM?"

_Tom._ "BROTHER FRED TOLD ME TO BRING IT IN AND SWEEP UP ALL THE H'S MRS. MOPUS HAD DROPPED ABOUT!"

[_N.B. Great Expectations from Mrs. M._

]

_Senior Party._ "DOG CART! GOOD GRACIOUS! BUT _YOU_ ARE NEVER GOING TO DRIVE?"

_Junior Party._ "NOT GOING A--DWIVE? WHY NOT GOING A--DWIVE? JUS--AIN'T I, THO'?"

[_The last train has gone, and the Senior Party under the impression that the vehicle was a brougham, has accepted the offer of a lift to town._

]

YOUNG JACK ROBINSON SEES WHAT HE IMAGINES TO BE THE IMPRESSION OF HIS DARLING'S FOOT--HE MENTALLY EJACULATES, "_BEETLE-CRUSHER, BY JOVE!_" AND FLIES TO OTHER CLIMES.]

THINGS ARE SO BAD IN THE CITY, THAT MR. SNAFFLE AND MR. FLUKER GO TO BOULOGNE FOR CHANGE AND AIR.]

_Heavy Swell._ "DEUCED STUPID--THESE NEWSPAPERS!"

_Lady_ (_with keen perception of the ludicrous_). "YES, CHARLES!--ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SAY THAT A DISMOUNTED DRAGOON IS ABOUT AS EFFECTIVE AS A SWAN ON A TURNPIKE ROAD!"]

_Charlotte._ "HERE THEY COME, BLANCHE. LET US PRETEND WE DON'T RECOLLECT THEM."]

"I SAY, WHY AM I LIKE THE QUEEN'S CHIEF COOK? DO YOU GIVE IT UP?"

"YES."

"BECAUSE I AM IN A HIGH COOL-AND-AIRY (_culinary_) POSITION."

[_Astonished Cadet nearly falls from the yard._

]

_Youth_ (_quite at home for the holidays_). "NOW, LOOK HERE, OLD BOY; IF THE FOX BREAKS AT THIS CORNER, DON'T YOU HOLLER TILL HE GETS WELL AWAY!"--(_N.B. The old Nimrod is the_ MASTER _himself_.)]

PATERFAMILIAS, WHOSE PET AVERSION IS STREET MUSIC, GOES TO THE SEA-SIDE, HOPING TO ESCAPE FROM THE NUISANCE, HE IS AT BREAKFAST,--BEAUTIFUL VIEW, NEW-LAID EGG, &c., &c.--WHEN----]

_Lady._ "ARE YOU AT ETON?"

_Young Oxford._ "AW, NO!--I'M AT OXFORD!"

_Lady._ "OXFORD! RATHER A NICE PLACE, IS IT NOT?"

_Young Oxford._ "HUM!--HAW! PRETTY WELL, BUT THEN I CAN'T GET ON WITHOUT FEMALE SOCIETY!"

_Lady._ "DEAR! DEAR! PITY YOU DON'T GO TO A GIRLS' SCHOOL, THEN!"]

---- "ROSE, WILL YOU HAVE SOME DINNER?"

_Rose._ "HAVE HAD MY DINNER."

---- "WHAT HAVE YOU HAD FOR YOUR DINNER?"

_Rose._ "SOMETHING THAT BEGINS WITH AN S!"

---- "AND WHAT BEGINS WITH AN S?"

_Rose._ "COLD BEEF!"]

_Captain Holster._ "HERE! HI! SOME ONE!--STOP MY _BEDROOM_!--HI!"]

A FOREIGN NOBLEMAN IN DIFFICULTY.]

JUST A SANDWICH AND A NICE GLASS OF HOCK AND SELTZER WATER.]

A MOUTHFUL OF DUST AND A PULL AT THE PUMP.]

_Simkins_ (_who has missed his bird, but peppered_ WILKINS). "THERE, NOW, I'VE A DOOCED GOOD MIND TO SAY THAT I'LL NEVER COME OUT SHOOTING WITH YOU AGAIN--YOU'RE ALWAYS GETTING IN THE WAY!"]

ON ARRIVING AT THE BEST PART OF YOUR SHOOTING, YOU FIND THOSE AMIABLE TOURISTS, THE NOBBS'S, HAVE BEEN OVER THE GROUND A GOOD DEAL. AS THE BIRDS ARE WILD, YOUR SPORT IS NOT MUCH IMPROVED THEREBY. NOBBS, JUNIOR, MAY BE OBSERVED TAKING IN THE "OBJECTS OF INTEREST" WITH HIS TELESCOPE.]

_Cabby._ "NOW, JOHN! WHEN YOU'VE DONE CLEANING THEM KNIVES BEHIND, JUST CLEAN THAT OLD SPOON ON THE BOX, AND LET'S COME BY!"]

TOMKINS AND HIS FRIEND (WHO HAVE BEEN THROWN OUT) CONGRATULATE THEMSELVES ON FALLING IN WITH THE SQUIRE'S SECOND HORSEMAN, WHO IS SURE TO BRING THEM BY A LINE OF GATES TO THE HOUNDS AGAIN--AND SO HE DOES, ONLY--THE LAST OF THE GATES IS LOCKED, AND OVER WHICH HE "HOPS LIKE A BIRD!"]

_Dealer._ "I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY THE OSS YOU WANT, SIR--ABOUT FIFTEEN-TWO--GOOD SHOULDER, LIGHT HEAD AND NECK--WELL RIBBED UP--TAIL WELL SET ON, GOOD FLAT LEGS--PLENTY OF BONE----"

_Gent_ (_delighted_). "YA-AS----"

_Dealer._ "NO SHY ABOUT HIM. A GOOD GOER, HIGH COURAGED, BUT TEMPERATE--TO CARRY HIS OWN HEAD, NICE MOUTH, AND SWEET TEMPER--FOR ABOUT FIVE-AND-TWENTY PUND!"

_Gent_ (_in ecstacy_). "THE VERY THING."

_Dealer._ "HAH! THEN DON'T YOU WISH YOU MAY GET IT?"

[GENT _subsides_.

]

THE NEXT BEST THING TO KEEPING YOUR OWN HUNTERS, IS, TO HIRE "MADE HORSES," THAT THOROUGHLY KNOW THEIR BUSINESS.]

_Cabby_ (_with feigned surprise and delight_). "WHAT, _ALL--THIS--AT ONCE_!!"]

_Hard-riding Cornet_ (_to Old Party, who is rather bothered by a Brook._) "DON'T MOVE, SIR! PRAY DON'T MOVE AND I'LL TAKE YOU OVER WITH ME"]

_Old Gent._ "PRAY, MY GOOD MAN, WHAT IS THE MATTER?"

_Confused Individual._ "MATTER, SIR! GENLMN'S OSS RUN AWAY WITH A BROOM, SIR! NIVER SEE ANYTHINK LIKE IT IN ALL MY BORN DAYS! DOWN HE COMES THE 'ILL WITH THE SHARVES A-DANGLING ALL ABOUT HIS LEGS--KNOCKS A BUTCHER'S CART INTO A LINENDRAPER'S SHOP--BANGS AGIN A CARRIDGE AND PAIR, AND SMASHES THE PANEL ALL TO BITS--UPSETS A FEAYTON, AND IF HE 'ADN'T A-RUN UP AGIN THIS HERE CAB AND DASHED IT RIGHT OVER, AND STOPPED HISSELF, BLOWED IF I DONT THINK THERE'D A _BIN SOME ACCIDENT_!"]

_Master Alfred._ "DON'T, BABY!--YOU'LL SPOIL IT. LEAVE GO, SIR! HERE, NURSE! HE'S SWALLOWING MY NEW WATCH!"]

_Constance._ "OH, MAMMA! I'M SO DELIGHTED! I HAVE JUST MADE THE BEST GOLD, AND WON THE BEAUTIFUL BRACELET GIVEN BY CAPTAIN RIFLES."

_Lucy_ (_disappointed_). "WELL, CONSTANCE, I THINK YOU HAD BETTER NOT SAY MUCH ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW IT WAS A FLUKE! FOR YOU TOLD ME YOU ALWAYS SHOT WITH YOUR EYES SHUT, AS YOU FEEL SO VERY NERVOUS!"]

NEVER CARRY "PATENT VESUVIENNES," 2_d._ A BOX, IN YOUR COAT-TAIL POCKET!]

A FRENCH FRIEND PAYS HIS FIRST VISIT TO ENGLAND, AND IS SHOWN THE GREAT METROPOLIS. HE IS PROFOUNDLY IMPRESSED BY OUR NOBLE REGENT STREET.]

THE FRIGHTFUL FIGURE THAT NEARLY TERRIFIED OLD FOGEY AND HIS WIFE OUT OF THEIR WITS--AND WHICH PROVED, AFTER ALL, TO BE ONLY AN ORDINARY MORTAL CARRYING ROASTED CHESTNUTS!]

_Wild Huntsman_ (_in the distance_). "ALL RIGHT, JACK! COME ALONG! CAN HEAR 'EM IN THE NEXT FIELD!"]

_Piscator._ "THERE, THOMAS, YOU NOW SEE THE ADVANTAGE OF EARLY RISING. I HAVE GOT THE VERY BEST PLACE ON THE WATER, AND I'LL BE BOUND TO SAY THE OTHER SUBSCRIBERS ARE NOT OUT OF BED YET!"]

_F. M. P._ "THERE, MY MAN, IT'S A PITY A GREAT HULKING FELLOW LIKE YOU SHOULD TURN A HANDLE TO MAKE SUCH A NASTY NOISE! HERE'S AN INSTRUMENT FOR YOU! GO AND PLAY UPON IT IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY!"]

_Elevated Party._ "A NEVER THINK A FL'EAR'S HAD T'MUSH WINE S'LONG AS A WINDSUP-ISH WASH!]"

[_Proceeds to perform that operation with corkscrew._

]

_J'moimer Ann._ "HAS THEE FOWGHTEN, BILL?"

_Bill._ "NOOAH!"

_J'moimer Ann._ "THEN GET THEE FOWGHTEN, AND COOM WUM. DADDY GOT HIS'N DONE BY FOWER O'CLOCK!"]

_Rude Boy._ "I SAY, JACK, AIN'T HE A FINE UN?--D'YE THINK HE'S REAL, OR ONLY STUFFED?"]

_Table_ (_loquitur_). "DON'T YOU BELIEVE HIM, MUM--I'M NOT MAHOGANY, BUT I'M VENEERED AND SECOND-HAND."

[_Table dances about on its legs for a considerable time, and
vanishes in a blue flame._

]

_Hearse Driver_ (_to Swell, who has just started a Team_). "BEG PARDON, SIR, BUT HEARING AS YOU HAD STARTED FOUR 'OSSES, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT A YOUNG MAN AS COULD BRING YOUR COACH UP TO THE DOOR AS IT 'AD OUGHT TO BE!"]

_Friend._ "----AND WHAT BECOME OF HER?"

_Buss Driver_ (_with emotion_). "WELL!--SHE WAS TOOK AWAY FROM ME--AND GOT INTO BAD HANDS, YER SEE--AND SOON WENT ALL TO PIECES.--DEAR! DEAR!--SHE WOS WERRY BEAUTIFUL!--SUCH A SHAPE! AND SUCH A LOVELY COLOUR! (_Sighing._) HAH! I SHALL NEVER, NEVER, SEE--SUCH--ANOTHER--BUSS AGIN!"]

_Miss Matilda to Miss Priscilla._ "WELL, I'M SURE!--THE CREATURE NEEDN'T SIT THERE IN THAT DISGUSTING MANNER!"]

_Mr. Sprat._ "DON'T YOU THINK, MY LOVE, THAT THE GROOM, WHO UNDERSTANDS THESE THINGS, HAD BETTER PUT YOU UP?"

_Mrs. Sprat_ (_with indignation_). "THE GROOM, MR. S! THE GROOM PUT ME UP! NO, SIR! PUT ME UP YOURSELF. A PRETTY HUSBAND _YOU_ ARE! GROOM, INDEED!"]

ALICE FIRST, CLARA SECOND, MISS TODDLES A BAD THIRD; AND THE REST NOWHERE!]

WHAT CAPITAL FUN IT IS SETTING TRIMMERS FOR JACK, AND ROWING AFTER THEM UNDER A BURNING SUN!--BUT WHY DOES NOT TOM HAUL UP THE ANCHOR?]

MRS. POTTLES SEES NO REASON WHY SHE SHOULDN'T GO OUT ON THE ROOF OF HER HOUSE TO SEE THE FIREWORKS.]

_Boy._ "OH! LOOK 'ERE, BILL! 'ERE'S A BLOATED HARISTOCRAT. THERE'S NO ONE LOOKING. LET'S PUNCH HIS 'ED!"]

_Master Tom._ "I SAY, GRAN'MA, THIS IS A SAD JOB ABOUT THE COMET!"

_Gran'ma._ "GOOD GRACIOUS! WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

_Master Tom._ "WHY, HERE'S A LETTER IN THE PAPER SAYS,--'_The particles of the tail, if thrown out from the head, having only, as before, the same rate of orbital motion as the head, and having larger and larger orbits to describe, the further they are removed from the head, will necessarily fall further and further behind as they recede from the comet, and thus form a curve independently of a resisting medium_;' AND THAT, '_the panic-allaying doctrine of the tenuity of cometic nuclei cannot be maintained from the mere fact of their translucency_.'"]

_English Friend_ (_to Foreigner of distinction_). "THE FOX HAS BROKE, AND _GONE AWAY_!"

_Foreigner of distinction_ (_who has been galloping about the rides to his immense satisfaction_). "AHA! HE IS BROKEN, AND _GONE AVAY_! WHAT A PITY! ZEN I SUPPOSE IT IS ALL OVARE AND WE MUST GO HOME!"]

_Boy from School._ "GATE NAILED, OLD BOY! NEVER MIND! I'LL MAKE A GAP FOR YOU!"]

_Cook._ "FINE DAY, MR. CHALKS!"

_Mr. Chalks._ "YES, COOKEY, IT'S A VERY FINE DAY! BUT IF WE HAVEN'T SOME RAIN SOON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE SHALL DO FOR =MILK=!"]

_Stalwart Briton._ "I TELL YER WHAT, BILL! WE OUGHT TO BE VERY THANKFUL WE'RE ENGLISHMEN, FOR WHETHER IT'S THE CLIMATE, OR WHETHER IT'S THEIR HABITS, JUST SEE HOW THOSE AMERICANS ARE DEGENERATING!"]

_Stout Gent._ "DEAR! DEAR! SO HE HAS FORMED AN ATTACHMENT THAT YOU DON'T APPROVE OF! AH! WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. DEPEND UPON IT, MA'AM, THERE'S A _SKELETON SOMEWHERE IN EVERY HOUSE_!"]

"AT LENGTH HE PRESENTED HIMSELF BUT IN SUCH A STATE THAT WE WERE OBLIGED TO TIE HIM ON THE BOX, AND I HAD TO RIDE HOME."--_Extract from Letter to particular Friend._]

_Excited Gentleman._ "THEY'RE OFF!--THEY'RE OFF!"

_Quiet Lady._ "ARE THEY, DEAR? WON'T YOU HAVE SOME PIE?"]

"WHY ARE YOU ON THE CROSSING, JAMES? IS YOUR FATHER ILL?"

"NO. HE'S DROVE MOTHER DOWN TO HASCOT."]

_Party_ (_slightly influenced_). "QUESHION ISH! AM I FIT TO GO INTODRAWINGROOM? LETSH SHEE!--I CAN SHAY GLORIUSH CONSHYSHUSN!--HAVE SEEN BRISH INSHYCHUSION--ALL THAT SORTOTHING--THATLEDO--HERE GOSH!"]

_Old Mr. What's-his-name._ "EGAD, I DON'T WONDER AT MOUSTACHES COMING INTO FASHION, FOR--EH! WHAT! BY JOVE, IT DOES IMPROVE ONE'S APPEARANCE!"]

_Nurse._ "MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, MISS CHARLOTTE, YOU MUSTN'T PLAY WITH THOSE SCISSORS!"

_Miss Charlotte._ "I'M NOT PLAYING WITH 'EM, NURSE DEAR--I'M CUTTING 'ITTLE BRUDDER'S NAILS!"]

_Dark Party_ (_with a ticket-of-leave, of course_). "AX YER PARDON, SIR!--BUT IF YOU WAS A-GOING DOWN THIS DARK LANE, P'RAPS YOU'D ALLOW ME AND THIS HERE YOUNG MAN TO GO ALONG WITH YER--'COS YER SEE THERE AIN'T NO PERLICE ABOUT--AND WE'RE SO PRECIOUS FEARED O' BEIN' =GAROTTED=!"]

AS, FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN YOU GET THE ASPARAGUS SHOT OVER YOUR FAVOURITE DRESS COAT WITH THE SILK FACINGS.]

_Wife of his Bussum._ "THERE, MY LOVE, I THINK WITH WHAT YOU'VE HAD, AND THIS BOX OF CONCENTRATED LUNCHEON, YOU MAY HOLD OUT AGAINST ANY OF 'EM!"]

_Landlord._ "WELL, MR. SPRINGWHEAT, ACCORDING TO THE PAPERS, THERE SEEMS TO BE A PROBABILITY OF A CESSATION OF HOSTILITIES."

_Tenant_ (_who strongly approves of War prices_). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS! WHY, YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY THAT THERE'S ANY =DANGER OF PEACE=!"]

_Stout Party_ (_who weighs about ten sacks of flour and a cartload of bricks_). "REALLY, NOW, AND SO YOU HAVE BEEN INITIATED, AND IT'S ALL RIGHT, EH? WELL, I CERTAINLY MUST TAKE SOME LESSONS, AND BECOME A HORSE-TAMER MYSELF!"]

"THE WERRY FIRST THING AS EVER I DOES WHEN I GOES TO THE CHRISTIAL PALIS, IS GIT A CHEER!"]

_Master of the House._ "OH, FRED, MY BOY--WHEN DINNER IS READY, YOU TAKE MRS. FURBELOW DOWNSTAIRS!"]

GREAT CHESS MATCH (UPON THE MORPHY SYSTEM) BETWEEN MR. AND MRS. CASTLETOP AGAINST THEIR DAUGHTER BLANCHE AND HER INTENDED, YOUNG CHARLEY ROOKTON.]

_Cabby_ (_to Old Party, who has been to the Crystal Palace_). "WANT A CAB, SIR!--SORRY I'M ENGAGED, SIR!--WERRY 'APPY TO TAKE YOU =NEXT WEEK=!"]

_Miller._ "DON'T THEY, REALLY! PERHAPS THEY'LL RISE BETTER TOWARDS THE COOL OF THE EVENING. THEY MOSTLY DO!"]

_Adolphus._ "NOW, GIRLS!--IF YOU'RE GAME FOR A RIDE ON THE SANDS--I'M YOUR MAN."]

PARTY IN THE TABLEAU THINKS, THAT PERHAPS STROPPING HIS RAZORS MIGHT AMUSE HIM.]

SO FOND OF ASTRONOMY, THAT THEY ARE ALWAYS ON THE BALCONY, LOOKING FOR THE COMET!]

_Ruggles._ "HOLD HARD, MASTER GEORGE. IT'S TOO WIDE, AND UNCOMMON DEEP!"

_Master George._ "ALL RIGHT, RUGGLES! WE CAN BOTH _SWIM_!"]

_Short-sighted Officer._ "SERGEANT! GET THAT MAN'S HAIR CUT IMMEDIATELY!"]

_Miss Matilda._ "GO ON, FIDO!--THERE'S ONE GREAT DRAWBACK TO THESE HATS--THEY MAKE ONE LOOK LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE." (_Ahem!_)]

_T. N._ (_loq._). "WELL NOW, OLD FELLOW, WHAT SORT O' COUNTRY IS IT WHERE WE ARE GOING TO-MORROW?"

_His Friend._ "OH, BEAUTIFUL!--VERY EASY. BIGGISH BULLFINCHERS WITH A DITCH ON ONE SIDE. TIMBER OF COURSE, SUCH AS POSTS AND RAILS, AND THAT SORT OF THING; AND IF WE GO TO MUDBURY, NOTHING BUT RAZOR-BACKED BANKS AND--WATER!"]

_Georgina._ "NOW, CLARA, THAT'S NOT FAIR--YOU KNOW YOU HAVE ONE FOOT ON THE GROUND."]

_Scene. Paris, a Table d'Hôte.--Old Lady at Breakfast.--The Garçon has been ordered to bring some fruit to Old Lady._

_Garçon._ "VOILÀ, MADAME!--_Old Lady_ (_who, in her Daughter's absence, will let off her French._) "OH! TRES BYANG, TRES BYANG, GARÇON; BONG! MARECEY, MARECEY, MAIS--THESE ARE CURRANTS--BYANG NAMPORT! CET EGAL--ONLY--JE N'AIME PAS SO WELL AS GOOSEBERRIES, YOU KNOW!"

[_Instructive rather!_

]

FLY-FISHING. A NICE RIPPLE ON THE WATER.--"_NOW FOR A BIG ONE!_"]

_Cabby._ "NOT GOT NO MONEY?--NEVER MIND, SIR,--JUMP IN! I CAN'T STAND SUCH AN OSSEY-LOOKING GENT AS YOU TO GO ABOUT A-WALKING!"]

_Country Friend_ (_to London Friend who is dressed within an inch of his life_). "THERE, MY BOY--COME AND SEE THIS LOVELY PIG, AND THEN WE'LL GO AND LOOK AT THE REST OF THE STOCK."]

_Tailor_ (_measuring_). "TRIFLE WIDER ROUND THE _CHEST_, SIR, THAN YOU WAS."]

"THERE, OLD FELLA! HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED IT GOES ROUND NOW."

"OH YESH! THERE'S NO MISTAKE!"]

_Boy._ "I SAY, SIR--HEAVE US UP TO HAVE A LOOK AT THEM PICTURES!"]

THE RAREY ZEBRA PATTERN--A SWEET THING FOR THE SEA-SIDE.]

_Small Boy_ (_to Ex-Cook, who has come about a place_). "IS THERE A FOOTMAN KEP? WHY, O' COURSE THERE IS--I'M THE FOOTMAN!"]

_Boy._ "HERE YOU ARE, SIR. BLACK YER BOOTS, AND TAKE YER LIKENESS, FOR THE SMALL CHARGE OF THREEPENCE!"]

INVASION, INDEED! WHY, HERE IS A CORPS OF VOLUNTEERS, WHO HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN THOUGHT OF--WHAT WITH THE GLANCES AND THE ARROWS THEY WOULD SHOOT, AN ENEMY WOULD BE WORRIED TO DEATH IN NO TIME!]

_Mistress._ "NOT GOING TO REMAIN IN A SITUATION ANY LONGER! WHY, YOU FOOLISH THINGS, WHAT _ARE_ YOU GOING TO DO, THEN?"

_Eliza._ "WHY, MA'AM, YOU SEE OUR _FORTUNE-TELLER_ SAY THAT TWO YOUNG NOBLEMEN IS A-GOING TO MARRY US--SO THERE'S NO CALL TO REMAIN IN NO SITUATIONS NO MORE!"]

_Flunkey._ "HALLO, WILLIAM, WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

_Groom._ "MATTER?--WHY, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT NEXT?--HERE'S MASTER, WITHOUT SAYING NOTHUN TO ME, 'AS BIN AND LENT _MY_ 'OSS TO A FRIEND--AND I'M DONE OUT OF MY AFTERNOON'S RIDE!"]

_Mistress._ "I THINK, COOK, WE MUST PART THIS DAY MONTH."

_Cook_ (_in astonishment_). "WHY, MA'AM? I AM SURE I'VE LET YOU HAVE YOUR OWN WAY IN 'MOST EVERYTHINK!"]

_First Party_ (_who is hard hit, and sentimental_). "THIS IS THE VERY SPOT WHERE I LAST SAW THE DARLING CREATURE. I ASSURE YOU, FRANK, SHE IS THE LOVELIEST, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, THE--THE--TH'--IN FACT----"

_Second Party_ (_who has heard the same thing for the last two hours_). "H'M! HA! DESSAY! YES. I SAY, OLD FELLAH, HAVE A WEED!"]

_Alphonso._ "YOU FIND YOUR MOOSTARCHERS A GREAT COMFORT, DON'T YOU, TOM?"

_Tom._ "WELL!--YES!--BUT I'M AFRAID I MUST CUT 'EM, FOR ONE'S OBLIGED TO DRESS SO DEUCED EXPENSIVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING ACCORD!"]

DON'T FORGET TO TAKE OFF YOUR GOLOSHES AND TURN DOWN YOUR TROUSERS BEFORE ENTERING THE ROOM.]

_Sentinel._ "WHO COMES THERE?"

_Ebriosus._ "FRIEND!"

_Sentinel._ "ADVANCE, FRIEND!"

_Ebriosus._ "ADVANSH; COME, THATSH A GOOD UN!"]

_Gent. on Horseback._ "GET OUT OF THE WAY, BOY!--GET OUT OF THE WAY!--MY HORSE DON'T LIKE DONKEYS!"

_Boy._ "DOAN'T HE?--THEN WHY DOAN'T HE KICK THEE ORF?"]

_Officious Little Gent._ "HOLLO, CABBY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR 'ORSE?"

_Cabby._ "WELL--THAT'S JUST WHAT I DON'T KNOW, AND I BRED HIM. YOU'RE ALWAYS WANTING TO BE BEHIND THE SCENES, YOU ARE! SUPPOSE YOU GET INSIDE AND SEE!"]

_Foreigner of Distinction_ (_about to charge an obstacle_). "TAKE NOTICE, MES AMIS! ZAT I LEAVE EVERY SING TO MY VIFE!"]

_Bathing Guide._ "BLESS 'IS 'ART! I KNOW'D HE'D TAKE TO IT KINDLY--BY THE WERRY LOOKS ON 'IM!"]

_Young Lady_ (_who is in Hat and Coat of the Period_). "CAN I HAVE A MACHINE NOW?"

_Bathing Woman._ "NOT HERE, SIR!--GENTLEMEN'S BATHING A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN!"]

"OH! LOOK HERE, MA! I'VE CAUGHT A FISH JUST LIKE THOSE THINGAMIES IN MY BED AT OUR LODGINGS!"]

A STURDY DEFENDER OF CHURCH AND STATE.]

_Mr. Briggs._ "BUT THE BOAT SEEMS VERY LEAKY, AND TO WANT MENDING A GOOD DEAL."

_Boatman._ "WANT MENDIN' IS IT? OH, NIVER FEAR! SHURE THE BOAT'S WELL ENOUGH. IF YE SIT STILL, AND DON'T COFF OR SNAZE, SHE'LL CARRY YE PRETTY WELL!"]

_First Juvenile Swell._ "JUMP IN, OLD FELLAH!"

_Second Ditto._ "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

_First Ditto._ "OH! NOWHERE! I'VE ONLY HIRED HIM TO HAVE SOMEWHERE TO SMOKE!"]

_Brown._ "AH, TOMKINS! HERE'S A MERRY SPRING TO YOU!"

_Tomkins._ "THE SAME TO YOU, BROWN, AND MANY OF THEM, IF YOU COME TO THAT!"]

THE PARTY "WHO HAS A CERTAINTY" FOR THE EMPEROR'S PLATE. N.B. SEND EIGHTEEN POSTAGE STAMPS.]

_Master Sparrow._ "LOOK THERE, TOM! YOUNG FRED IS ASLEEP!"

_Master Sprat._ "YES! POOR LITTLE BEGGAR! WHAT A SHAME IT IS TO KEEP SUCH A MERE CHILD AS THAT UP SO LATE!"]

"NOW, AUNT! TOUCH HIM WITH YOUR LEFT HEEL, AND LET'S HAVE A TROT!"]

"WHY, JACK! WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU LOOK DEUCED QUEER!"

"YA-AS! YOU SEE, I'VE GONE INTO BUSINESS. I BUY CLAY PIPES AT A PENNY A-PIECE, AND SMOKE 'EM TILL THEY ARE BLACK, AND THEN SELL 'EM FOR A GUINEA: BUT ITS PRECIOUS HARD WORK, I CAN TELL YOU."]

_First Coster._ "WHY, JACK! WHAT'S ALL THAT?"

_Second Do._ "WELL, I CAN'T SAY! UNLESS ITS _FIREWORKS_!"]

_Friend._ "MY GOOD ALFRED! WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU ABOUT?"

_Alfred_ (_in the Fusilier Guards_). "WHY, YOU SEE, OLD FELLOW, WE ARE TO HAVE A CORPS OF SCOTCH BAGPIPERS ATTACHED TO THE REGIMENT.--SO I'M TRYING TO ACCOMMODATE MYSELF TO CIRCUMSTANCES, AND GET ACCUSTOMED TO THE NOISE."]

"OH, HE'S AN 'ANSUM DOG, BUT HE AIN'T HALF SO 'ANSUM AS HIS BROTHER WERE!"]

AN ELEGANT ROW ABOUT A MACHINE.]

_Jones_ (_who is naturally proud of his first-born_). "A LITTLE DARLING, AIN'T HE?"

_Bachelor Friend._ "H'M, HA! I SEE--YOUNG GORILLA! IS HE REAL OR STUFFED?"]

_Old Mr. Dibbs._ "WHY, GEORGE! YOU NEVER RIDE HERE IN THE AFTERNOON--HOW'S THAT?"

_Young Swellington._ "NO-O-O. IT LOOKS AS IF ONE HAD SOME OCCUPATION, YOU KNOW, AND COULDN'T WIDE OF A MORNING. I ALWAYS WIDE BEFORE BREAKFAST, BETWEEN ELEVEN AND ONE!"]

_Head of the Family_ (_filling up the paper_). "WELL, MISS PRIMROSE, AS A VISITOR, I MUST PUT YOUR AGE IN! WHAT SHALL WE SAY?"

_Miss P._ "OH, IT'S BEST TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD. THE SAME AS DEAR FLORA--TWENTY LAST BIRTHDAY!"]

DISTRESSING POSITION OF CHARLES, WHO DOES NOT FEEL WELL, AND WHO IS KEENLY ALIVE TO THE FACT THAT AMY IS LOOKING AT HIM THROUGH HER OPERA-GLASS.]

_Georgy._ "THERE NOW, CLARA--I CALL IT VERY PEEVISH OF YOU. YOU PROMISED ME, IF I LET YOU GO IN FIRST, THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE LONG, AND I DECLARE YOU HAVE BEEN EXACTLY AN HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES."

[_Pouts._

]

_Wife._ "NOW PROMISE ME ONE THING, ADOLPHUS. YOU WON'T GO FLYING OVER ANY HEDGES OR FIVE-BARRED GATES?"]

FEARFUL PRACTICAL JOKE PLAYED WITH A CHILD'S BALLOON UPON A SWELL.]

_Frank._ "OH, I SAY, EMILY! AIN'T THE SEA-SIDE JOLLY?"

_Emily_ (_who is reading The Corsair to Kate_). "I DO NOT KNOW, FRANK, WHAT YOU MEAN BY JOLLY.--IT IS VERY BEAUTIFUL!--IT IS VERY LOVELY!"

_Frank._ "HAH! AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU ALWAYS READY FOR YOUR GRUB, NEITHER?"

[_Exit Young Ladies, very properly disgusted._

]

_Clara._ "WHY, DEAR ME! WHAT DO YOU WEAR YOUR HAT IN THE WATER FOR?"

_Mrs. Walrus._ "OH, I ALWAYS WEAR IT WHEN I BATHE; FOR THEN, YOU SEE, DEAR, NO ONE CAN RECOGNISE ME FROM THE BEACH!"]

_Boy._ "NOW THEN, SIR!--THE MORE YOU LOOK THE LESS YOU'LL LOIKE IT!--GET OVER, OR ELSE LET US COME!"]

ON ARRIVING AT THE BEST PART OF YOUR FISHING, YOU ARE OF COURSE CHARMED TO FIND THAT OLD MUFFINS AND HIS LITTLE BOY HAVE BEEN WHIPPING THE STREAM ALL THE AFTERNOON.]

_Young Snobley_ (_a regular Lady-killer_). "HOW THE GIRLS DO STARE AT ONE'S BEARD! I SUPPOSE THEY THINK I'M A HORFICER JUST COME FROM THE CRIMEAR!"]

_Young Snobley._ "AH, JIM! NOBLE BIRTH MUST BE A GREAT ADVANTAGE TO A COVE."

_Jim_ (_one of Nature's nobility_). "H'M! P'RAPS!--BUT EGAD! PERSONAL BEAUTY AIN'T A BAD SUBSTITUTE!"]

TOMKINS RETIRES TO A SECLUDED VILLAGE, THAT HE MAY GROW HIS MOUSTACHES, AND SO CUT OUT HIS ODIOUS RIVAL, JONES. JONES, IT SO HAPPENS, HAS COME TO THE SAME PLACE WITH THE SAME OBJECT.--FRIGHTFUL MEETING!]

"NO HIT AGAIN, I'M AFRAID, TIM!"

"O, NIVER MIND, YER 'ONOR! SURE, YE DO IT VERY NIST. THERE'S SOME JINTLEMEN NOW COMES, AND THEY BLAZE AWAY, AND THEY WOWNDES THE POOR BIRRDS IN THE LIGS AND THE WINGS, AND SUCH LIKE; BUT YER 'ONOR! O, YE FIRES, AND FIRES, AND _ALWAYS_ MISSES 'EM _CLANE_ AND _CLEVER_!"]

_Fish Swell._ "HERE, WAITAW!--ARE THE WHITEMEN PRETTY GOOD?"]

_Blanche._ "OH, IS THERE NOT, DEAR EMILY, SOMETHING, DELICIOUS ABOUT SPRING?--WE SHALL SOON HAVE ALL THE DEAR LITTLE BIRDS SINGING, AND THE BANKS AND THE GREEN FIELDS COVERED WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS!"

_Emily._ "OH, YES!--AND WITH IT WILL COME ALL THE NEW BONNET SHAPES FROM PARIS, AND THE LOVELY NEW PATTERNS FOR MORNING DRESSES!"]

_Johnny._ "OH, I SAY, GRANMA! S'POSE YOU PRETEND BEING A LITTLE PONY, AND I RIDE ABOUT ON YOUR BACK ROUND THE SQUARE!"--(_N.B. Granma feels the heat a good deal._)]

_Swell_ (_on top of Omnibus_). "LOOK HERE, GUS, MY BOY! SUCH A CAPITAL I-DEAW! I RIDE UP AND DOWN FROM BAYSWATER TO THE WHITE CHAPEL AND EAT PERIWINKLES WITH A PIN!"]

MASTER OF FOX HOUNDS PUNCH TAKES COMMAND OF HIS FIELD IN DEFENCE OF HIS
COUNTRY.]

"A STILE, EH? AHEM! THAT'S A SORT OF THING THAT REQUIRES A GOOD DEAL OF JUDGMENT."]

CLARA AND HARRIET, AND THE TWO NICE GIRLS WHO ARE STAYING WITH THEM, LED BY MAMMA, GET INTO COUSIN HERBERT'S HUT AND HAVE LUNCH.]

PORTRAIT OF THE OLD PARTY WHO RATHER LIKES ORGAN-GRINDING.]

_Bathing Woman._ "TEACH YER TO SWIM? LOR BLESS YER, MY LOVE, WHY, OF COURSE I CAN!"]

_Old Aunt._ "WELL, MY LOVE--SO YOU'VE GOT A HAT LIKE MINE, I SEE."]

_Augustus._ "ISN'T IT JOLLY, FRANK, BEING DOWN HERE FOR THE HOLIDAYS?"

_Incipient Swell._ "H'M! PRETTY WELL FOR THAT. I CONFESS I MISS THE GAIETY OF TOWN."]

_Jones._ "I SAY, BROWN, THINGS ARE DEUCED BAD IN THE CITY."

_Brown._ "THEN I'M DEUCED GLAD I'M AT EPSOM!"]

LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.