Chapter I: Part 1

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JOHN LEECH'S PICTURES OF LIFE AND CHARACTER

from the collection of "Mr. Punch."

JOHN LEECH'S PICTURES OF LIFE AND CHARACTER

From the Collection of "Mr. Punch."

London: Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., 8, 9, 10, Bouverie Street, E. C. 1887.]

London: Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., Printers, Whitefriars.

OF

LIFE AND CHARACTER.]

_Emily (reads)._ "IN THE SUMMER THEY WERE NAKED, AND INSTEAD OF CLOTHES THEY PUT PAINT UPON THEIR BODIES. THEY WERE FOND OF A FINE BLUE COLOUR, WHICH THEY MADE OF A PLANT CALLED WOAD, WHICH THEY FOUND IN THEIR WOODS. THEY SQUEEZED OUT THE JUICE OF THE WOAD, AND THEN STAINED THEMSELVES ALL OVER WITH IT, SO THAT IN SUMMER THEY LOOKED AS IF THEY WERE DRESSED IN TIGHT BLUE CLOTHES."

_Arthur._ "AND DID THEY WALK IN THE PARK AND GO TO CHURCH SO?"]

_Paterfamilias (suddenly arrived in Town)._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, MRS. WILKINS, WHY DIDN'T YOU FORWARD THESE LETTERS? THEY ARE OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE."

_Mrs. Wilkins (the Treasure)._ "LOR, SIR! I SHOULD NEVER THINK O' FORWARDING SICH THINGS AS THEM. WHY, I SEE THEY WAS ONLY BUSINESS LETTERS FROM THE HORFICE, OR SOMETHINK O' THAT!"]

_Disgusted Instructor of Plungers._ "THERE YOU GO AGAIN! STICKING OUT YOUR TOES LIKE A _HINFANTRY HADJUTANT_!"]

_Sergeant (appealingly)._ "NOW THEN, GENTLEMEN, ONCE MORE, EYES FRONT!--AND PRAY, GENTLEMEN--PRAY DON'T _STARE ABOUT YOU AS IF YOU WERE IN CHURCH_!"]

_Discerning Child (who has heard some remarks made by Papa)._ "ARE YOU OUR NEW NURSE?"

_Nurse._ "YES, DEAR!"

_Child._ "WELL, THEN, I'M ONE OF THOSE BOYS WHO CAN ONLY BE MANAGED WITH KINDNESS--SO YOU HAD BETTER GET SOME SPONGE-CAKES AND ORANGES AT ONCE!"]

_Precocious Pupil._ "PLEASE, MISS JONES, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF SUBURBS?"

_Governess (who is extensively Crinolined)._ "THE OUTSKIRTS OF A PLACE, MY DEAR."

_Pupil (seizing Miss J. by the dress)._ "THEN, MISS JONES, ARE THESE _YOUR_ SUBURBS?"]

_Boy (to Nurse)._ "WHAT DID YOU SAY 'MADE HER ILL'?"

_Nurse._ "'ARK AT YOU, HALFRED! I DIDN'T SAY, 'MADE 'ER HILL'; I SAID, 'SHE LIVED AT MAIDA 'ILL!!"]

_Young Swell (loq.)._ "I SAY, THOMPSON, DO YOU THINK I SHALL EVER HAVE ANY WHISKERS?"

_Thompson (after careful examination)._ "WELL, SIR, I REALLY DON'T THINK AS YOU EVER WILL--LEASTWAYS NOT TO SPEAK OF!"

_Young Swell._ "THAT'S RATHER HARD, FOR MY PAP--I MEAN GOVERNOR--HAS PLENTY!"

_Thompson (facetiously)._ "YES, SIR,--BUT P'R'APS YOU TAKE AFTER YOUR MA!"

(_Total collapse of Y. S._)]

_Boatman._ "DON'T YER FEEL ANYTHINK YET, SIR? P'RAPS YOU'D BETTER TRY ANOTHER WORM."]

_Mrs. Tongs._ "LOR, ADOLPHUS! HOW BEAUTIFUL THOSE BEANS SMELL."

_Adolphus (probably in the hair-cutting line)._ "THEY DO, INDEED, MY LOVE! THEY REMIND ONE OF THE MOST DELICIOUS 'AIR OIL!"]

_Wife (to Unreasonable Monster)._ "IT'S OF NO USE, GEORGE, YOUR SAYING, 'HANG IT, MARIA;' I MUST HAVE SOME PLACE TO PUT MY THINGS!"]

_Policeman (who, we are bound to say, is extremely civil)._ "WHITE TICKET, MA'AM? LETTER H?--YES, MA'AM. QUITE RIGHT. OVER THE HURDLES, IF YOU PLEASE!"]

_Odious Juvenile._ "OH, LOOK YE 'ERE, BILL, 'ERE'S A VOLUNTEER CORPSE FOR YER!"]

_Irate Proctor._ "SIR, I SENT YOU BACK TO YOUR COLLEGE ONLY FIVE MINUTES AGO, TO INVEST YOURSELF IN YOUR ACADEMICAL COSTUME!"

_Fast Freshman (with affability)._ "YES! AND HERE WE ARE AGAIN! ISN'T IT ODD?"]

_Sarcastic Peeler._ "GOING TO 'AVE A NEW 'ORSE, THEN, CABBY?" _Cabby._ "NEW 'OSS! 'OW DY'E MEAN?"

_Sarcastic Peeler._ "WHY, YOU'VE GOT THE FRAMEWORK TOGETHER ALREADY!"]

_Swell (dressing)._ "HURRAH!! BY JOVE, THERE'S A BUTTON AT THE BACK OF MY SHIRT!!!"]

_First Boy._ "ARE YOU IN A HURRY WITH THAT LETTER, BILL?"

_Second Ditto._ "YES. IT'S TO BE DELIVERED IMMEDIATELY, AND I'M TO WAIT."

_First Boy._ "WELL! WAIT HERE, AND HAVE A GAME AT PITCH AND TOSS, AND DELIVER IT IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS."]

_Hideous Old Lady of Fashion (with Plain Daughter)._ "CHARMING BALL AT SIR CHARLES'S LAST NIGHT! EVERYBODY THERE--GOOD ROOMS, NOT OVER-CROWDED--CAPITAL SUPPER! DEAREST BARBARA ENJOYED HERSELF PRODIGIOUSLY! I DON'T SEE, HOWEVER, HOW I CAN WELL AVOID ASKING _HIS_ SISTER AND NIECE TO _MY_ BALL, NEXT WEEK, HE IS SO FOND OF THEM; AND YET YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT GO OUT NEARLY AS MUCH AS WE DO, AND ARE NOT AT ALL IN OUR POSITION IN SOCIETY!"]

_Sunday-School Teacher._ "OH, JOHNNY, I'M SHOCKED TO SEE YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR TOP. YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR TOYS AT HOME ON A SUNDAY!"

_Johnny (quick, but impudent)._ "THEN WHY DO YOU COME OUT WITH YOUR HOOP?"]

_Clara._ "WHAT DOES TOMMY THINK? WHY, TOMMY HAS JUST GOT A NEW LITTLE BROTHER!"

_Tommy._ "HAVE I, THOUGH? HOW JOLLY!--THERE'LL BE SOMEBODY NOW TO WEAR MY OLD CLOTHES!"]

_Lady._ "THEN I SUPPOSE YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF PERFECTLY COMPETENT TO HEAR THE CHILDREN THEIR LESSONS, SHOULD THEY STAY AWAY FROM SCHOOL ANY DAY?"

_Candidate for Situation._ "HOH, YES, MEM! THE FAMILY I WERE WITH, SAID I HADN'T OUGHTER BE ANYTHINK BUT A NUSSERY GUVNESS!"]

_Swell (who has received Four Penn'orth of Coppers in Change)._ "HERE! BY JOVE, YOU KNOW LOOK HERE! HI! WHAT THE DEUCE!--I SAY--WHAT AM I TO DO WITH THESE HA'PENCE, YOU KNOW?"]

THIS IS THE CRITICAL POSITION OF LOUISA AND CAPTAIN CHARLEY BANG--HIS WHISKER CAUGHT IN HER EARRING, AND PAPA KNOCKING AT THE DOOR!]

_Small Cousin._ "DO YOU KNOW, ALICE, IT JUST OCCURS TO ME THAT THE GUARD THINKS WE ARE A RUNAWAY COUPLE!"]

_Alfred._ "OH, IF YOU PLEASE, UNCLE, WE WANT TO PLAY AT BEING WILLIAM TELL; WILL YOU BE SO KIND AS TO STAND WITH THE APPLE ON YOUR HEAD?"]

_Boy._ "Isn't it very naughty of papa to tell stories?"

_Mamma._ "Well, dear, it would be--but what do you mean?"

_Boy._ "Why, papa says, that toffee is nasty trash--and it's so very delicious, you know!"]

_Old Lady._ "Ah thin, bad luck to ye, Grigory! Where's your manners? One would think ye was in a gintleman's house, standin' before the fire with yer coat-tails up, and ladies present, too!"]

_Minnie._ "I am reading such a pretty tale."

_Governess._ "You must say narrative, Minnie--not tale!"

_Minnie._ "Yes, ma'am; and do just look at Muff, how he's wagging his narrative!"]

A MESSAGE COMES OFF ON MRS. BLUEBAG'S LINEN, WHICH SHE IS HANGING, AS USUAL, ON THE TELEGRAPH WIRES.]

_Sentimental Young Lady (to Friend)._ "OH, ISN'T IT A PRETTY SIGHT TO SEE THE POOR HORSE DRINK!"

_Driver (confidentially and insinuatingly)._ "SURE, THIN, IT WOULD BE A DALE PRETTIER SIGHT, MISS, TO SEE _ME_ DRINK!"]

(_A stoppage of a few minutes is supposed to take place._)

_Dreadful Boy (on Lamp Post)._ "Oh! My eye, Bill! 'ere's a rose-bud!"]

THE READER IS REQUESTED TO OBSERVE, THAT THE LOWER EXTREMITIES REPRESENTED ABOVE DO _NOT_ BELONG TO THE FAIR DAMSEL ON THE PLANK, BUT TO THE BOATMAN BEYOND, UPON WHOSE SHOULDER SHE IS LEANING.--WE, HOWEVER, RECOMMEND FLORA TO BE MORE CAREFUL HOW SHE COMPOSES HERSELF THE NEXT TIME SHE GETS OUT OF A BOAT.]

"SO, CHARLEY, I HEAR YOU HAVE BEEN TO A JUVENILE PARTY!"

_Precocious Boy._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU CALL JUVENILE. THERE WAS NO ONE THERE UNDER FIVE YEARS OLD!"]

_Mamma._ "DEAR! DEAR! DEAR!--WHAT A PITY IT IS YOU CAN'T AGREE!"

_Small Boy._ "WELL, MAMMA, WE SHOULD AGREE, ONLY SHE'S SO UNKIND!--SHE WON'T BE A PIG, AND LET ME DRIVE HER ABOUT BY THE LEG!"]

_Boy (to distinguished Volunteer.)_ "NOW, CAPTING! CLEAN YER BOOTS, AND LET YER 'AVE A SHOT AT ME FOR A PENNY!"]

_Paterfamilias._ "I WAS THINKING, DARLING, THAT PERHAPS, AS IT IS A VERY LONG JOURNEY, IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I WENT _FIRST_, AND GOT EVERYTHING COMFORTABLE. YOU COULD THEN TRAVEL DOWN WITH NURSE AND THE CHILDREN AFTERWARDS."

[_Mamma doesn't seem to see it, and Nurse and Mamma-in-Law think him a
brute._]

_Sister Amy._ "MY DEAR ROSE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?--MAMMA WILL BE VERY ANGRY!"

_Rose._ "WHY, WALTER WANTS TO BE LIKE PAPA, SO, I'M JUST THINNING HIS HAIR AT THE TOP!"]

THE DEAR LITTLE SPANISH HAT. OH, SO CHARMING, AND SO MUCH MORE SENSIBLE THAN A HORRID BONNET]

_Officious Proctor._ "SIR!!--PRAY, ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THIS UNIVERSITY?"

_Military Swell._ "NO, I'M NOT, OLD FELLOW.--ARE YOU?"]

_Railway Clerk._ "HAVE YOU GOT TWOPENCE, SIR?"

_Swell._ "DEAW, NO! NEVAW HAD TWOPENCE IN MY LIFE!"

_Clerk._ "THEN I MUST GIVE YOU TENPENCE IN COPPER, SIR!"

(_Swell is immensely delighted, of course._)]

_Miss Selina Hardman._ "WOULD YOU BE SO GOOD, SIR, AS TO GIVE ME A LEAD OVER?"]

_Jeames._ "IF YOU PLEASE, MA'AM, HERE IS _MASTER_ CARLO! BUT I CAN'T SEE _MISS_ FLOSS NOWHERES!"]

TOMKINS, WHO IS NOT GRAND IN THE LEG DEPARTMENT, SAYS, "IT'S A VERY DISAGREEABLE DAY." THE YOUNG LADIES, HOWEVER, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, ENJOY IT AMAZINGLY.]

_Foreign Party._ "MAIS, MOSIEU BOOL, I AVE ALL WAYS THOUGHT YOU VASS GREAT SHOPKEEPARE!"

_Mr Bool._ "SO I AM, MOSSOO--AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE BOYS WHO MIND THE SHOP!--COMPRENNY?"]

_Sympathetic Swell (devoted to the Noble Science)._ "GOT A WRETCHED COLD! NO, WEALLY? THAT'S A BAD JOB, OLD FELLA,--MIGHT HA' BEEN WORSE, THOUGH--HORSE MIGHT HAVE HAD IT, YOU KNOW!"]

_Elderly Passenger._ "GOING OUT FISHING, I PRESUME, YOUNG GENTLEMAN?"

_Young Ditto._ "NO! IT AIN'T FISHING-RODS--IT'S SKY ROCKETS I'M TAKING DOWN FOR MY COUSIN'S BIRTHDAY. Have A weed?"]

_Ragged Capitalist to Ditto._ "THE WAR CAN'T LAST, SIR; FRANCE AND AUSTRIA HAVEN'T THE MEANS; THEY MUST COME TO US FOR MONEY BEFORE LONG."]

WHAT'S TO BE DONE IN JULY? WHY, RIDE DOWN TO RICHMOND WITH MAMMA AND THE GIRLS, AND GIVE 'EM A LITTLE DINNER, TO BE SURE!]

_Railway Porter._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, WAS THIS YOUR'N?"]

_Fiend in Human Shape._ "DON'T FEEL WELL! TRY A CIGAR!"]

CAPTAIN DE SMITH REMONSTRATES WITH MR. HOLMES, THE VET OF HIS REGIMENT, FOR MAL-PRONUNCIATION OF THE WORD HORSE. TO HIM THE VET: "WELL, IF A _HAITCH_, AND A _HO_, AND A _HAR_, AND A _HESS_, AND A _HE_, DON'T SPELL 'ORSE, MY NAME AIN'T 'ENERY 'OMES!"]

_Mrs. Colley Wobble._ "H'M, SO THEY ARE GOING TO TAX PEOPLE WHO MAKE THEIR OWN BEER, ARE THEY? THEN I DON'T BREW ANY MORE!"]

_Lady._ "OH, NONSENSE, CHILD--THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE!"

_Boy._ "NO, 'M. PLEASE, 'M, TWO YOUNG GENTS SAID IT LOOKED LIKE RAIN, AND I WAS TO FETCH YOU HOME IN THIS 'ERE CHEER!]"

_Papa._ "WELL, MY DEAR, DID YOU TELL MAMMA THAT MISS MYRTLE WAS WAITING TO SEE HER?"

_Child._ "YES, PA!"

_Papa._ "AND WHAT DID SHE SAY?"

_Child._ "SHE SAID, _WHAT A BOTHER!_"]

INVALUABLE TO THE MAN OF BUSINESS.

_First Partner (to Second ditto)._ "WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN! TALK OF THE INTRODUCTION OF STEAM OR OF GAS! JUST LOOK AT THE FACILITIES AFFORDED US BY ELECTRICITY. IT IS NOW SIX O'CLOCK AND WE ARE IN FLEET STREET, AND THIS MESSAGE WAS ONLY SENT FROM OXFORD STREET YESTERDAY AFTERNOON AT THREE!"]

_Scene--Smoking Room. Country House._ 2·30 A.M.

_Country Friend (to Johnson, who has had a long tramp of it in the rain after wild birds)._ "WELL, GOOD NIGHT, OLD FELLOW! IF YOU WON'T HAVE ANOTHER WEED. REMEMBER!--CUB-HUNTING IN THE MORNING, HALF-PAST FIVE. DON'T BE LATE!"]

_Mr. Grapes (helping himself to another glass of that fine old Madeira)._ "HAH! WE LIVE IN STRANGE TIMES--WHAT THE DOOCE CAN PEOPLE WANT WITH DRINKING FOUNTAINS!"]

_Master Jack (to very refined Governess, who has suddenly appeared)._ "OH, MISS FINNIKIN, DO COME IN; IT'S SO AWFULLY JOLLY!"]

TIME, 6·30 A.M. (_A Hint to the Powers that be at Sandbath._)]

_Small Effective._ "--AND THEN, JUST LOOK AT THE IMMENSE IMPROVEMENT IN THE PERSONAL APPEARANCE OF OUR FELLOWS!"]

OH! ISN'T IT DELIGHTFUL, GETTING YOUR BOOTS OFF AFTER A THOROUGH WET DAY'S HUNTING!]

_Impertinent Cousin (reads)._ "_'The rocks along our Coast may be seen studded with these beautiful zoophites. * * * The skin is soft, and the tentacles are of the finest violet, mingled often with pink, mauve, green, and yellow; indeed the colours vary so much in different individuals, all alike beautiful, that it is impossible to describe them rigidly. * * * During the ebb of the tide, these creatures may be contemplated on a fine day to great advantage, and few spectacles are calculated to afford more pleasure to a lover of Nature._'--H'M!--HERE ARE TWO LOVELY SPECIMENS, FRED! YOU TAKE ONE, AND I'LL TAKE THE OTHER!"]

_Paterfamilias (who is stout and a Volunteer also)._ "OHO! MY NEW UNIFORM--COME HOME, I SEE!"

_Family._ "YES, PA DEAR! AND WE'VE TRIED IT ON THE WATER-BUTT, AND IT LOOKS SO NICE!"]

_Maid (to Paterfamilias.)_ "PLEASE, SIR, MISSUS SAY YOU'RE TO COME IN, AND SIT ON THE BOXES; BECAUSE WE CAN'T GET 'EM TO, AND THEY WANTS TO BE CORDED."]

_Old Party (very naturally excited)._ "WHY, CONFOUND YOU! YOU ARE WIPING MY PLATE WITH YOUR HANDKERCHIEF!"

_Waiter (blandly)._ "IT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE, SIR--IT'S ONLY A DIRTY ONE!"]

_Party (who doesn't suffer)._ "BRACING! AIN'T IT, JACK? I ALWAYS THINK THAT THE BEAUTY OF SAILING IS, YOU GET AIR AND MOTION WITHOUT FATIGUE. DON'T YOU THINK SO. EH?"

(_Circumstances over which he has no control prevent Jack from
speaking his mind._)]

_Medical Pupil (after dragging a patient round the surgery, succeeds in extracting a tooth)._ "COME! THAT'S NOT SO BAD FOR A FIRST ATTEMPT!"]

"NOW, YOUNG UNS, CUT AWAY--BLOW THE EXPENSE!"]

JACK ARMSTRONG HAS PAINTED A MODERN SUBJECT, FROM REAL LIFE, AND PAINTED IT UNCOMMONLY WELL.--STRANGE TO SAY, HE HAS SOLD HIS PICTURE. MESSRS. FEEBLE AND POTTER (_very high-art men, who can't get on without mediæval costume, and all the rest of it_) THINK IT A MISTAKE.--CURIOUSLY ENOUGH, _THEIR_ PICTURES ARE UNSOLD!]

_Young Stickleback._ "POR-TAW! HAVE YOU SEEN A FRIEND OF MINE WAITING ABOUT HE-AW?"

_Porter._ "FRIEND, SIR! WHAT SORT OF GENTLEMAN WAS HE?"

_Young Stickleback._ "HAW! TALL--MILITARY-LOOKING MAN, WITH MOUSTACHERS--SOMETHING LIKE ME!"]

_Old Coachman._ "NOW, MISS ELLEN! MISS ELLEN! YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PA SAID! YOU WAS TO TAKE THE GREATEST CARE OF JOEY!"

_Miss Ellen._ "SO I WILL, ROBERT! AND THAT'S WHY I AM TAKING HIM OFF THE NASTY HARD ROAD, POOR THING!"]

_Jones (very particular man)._ "H'M! THIS COMES OF BRINGING DOWN A BOTTLE OF HUNTING VARNISH FOR A FRIEND!"]

THE PARTY WHO OBJECTS TO THE NEW RIDE IN KENSINGTON GARDENS--AND WON'T HE SPOUT AT THE VESTRY!]

_Mistress._ "THERE, SIR! THERE'S A BOTTLE OF EAU DE COLOGNE FOR YOU, AND DON'T LET ME HAVE OCCASION TO COMPLAIN AGAIN!"

_Stirrups (the Party who looks after the Horse and Chaise)._ "YES, MUM; BUT BE OI TO DRINK IT?"

_Mistress._ "NO, SIR; YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT AT TABLE TO-NIGHT, AND YOU ARE TO SPRINKLE IT OVER YOUR BEST LIVERY, THAT YOU MAY NOT BRING INTO THE HOUSE THAT DREADFUL EFFLUVIUM FROM THE STABLE THAT YOU HAVE HITHERTO DONE!"]

GIVEN, THE ELEGANT REGINALD FIPPS, WHO USED TO WALTZ SO BEAUTIFULLY, PERFORMING THE ABOVE KINDLY AND MOST NEEDFUL OPERATION, AT THE END OF A PIER, WHILE THE BAND IS PLAYING--WHAT RELATION IS HE TO THE DARLING OPERATED UPON?]

AS LITTLE GRIGLEY IS ON HIS WAY TO CALL UPON THOSE JOLLY GURLS HE MET ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, HE THINKS HE WILL HAVE HIS BOOTS TOUCHED UP. JUST AS THE POLISHING BEGINS, THE JOLLY GURLS COME ROUND THE CORNER. "DOOCED AWKWARD! WASN'T IT?" AS LITTLE GRIGLEY SAID.]

_Henry._ "I SAY, CHARLEY, WHERE DO YOU DINE TO-NIGHT?"

_Charley._ "AW, DINE WITH YOUR BROTHER!"

_Henry._ "DOOSE YOU DO--WORST WINE I EVER DRUNK IN MY LIFE!"

_Charley._ "BY JOVE, THEN, YOU NEVER DINED WITH MY GOVERNOR!"]

_Emily._ "WANT SOMETHING TO AMUSE YOU! WHY, I HAVE GIVEN YOU BOOK AFTER BOOK, AND LENT YOU MY PAINT-BOX, AND I'VE OFFERED TO TEACH YOU YOUR NOTES. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?"

_Augustus._ "OH, AH! I DON'T CALL THAT AMUSEMENT. I WANT SOME FIGS! OR SOME GINGERBREAD NUTS! OR A GOOD LOT OF TOFFEE!! THAT'S WHAT I CALL AMUSEMENT."]

_Grandmamma._ "WHAT _CAN_ YOU WANT, ARTHUR, TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL SO PARTICULARLY ON MONDAY FOR? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO STAY WITH US TILL THE END OF THE WEEK!"

Arthur. "WHY, YOU SEE, GRAN'MA--WE ARE GOING TO ELECT OFFICERS FOR OUR RIFLE CORPS ON MONDAY, AND I DON'T LIKE TO BE OUT OF IT!"]

_Master Jack._ "NOW THEN, CHARLOTTE, ARE YOU GOING TO LEND ME YOUR PAINT BOX?"

_Charlotte._ "NO, SIR. YOU KNOW WHAT A MESS YOU MADE OF IT LAST TIME!"

_Master Jack._ "VERY WELL. THEN I'LL PUT MY GUINEA PIG ON YOUR NECK!"]

_Aunt Sally (who is very particular)._ "WELL, DEAR, DID YOU HAVE A NICE RIDE?"

_Diana (who is particular too, but jolly)._ "OH! _DELICIOUS_, AUNTY; AND DO YOU KNOW, WE FELL IN WITH THE HOUNDS--FOUND A FOX AT MERRY'S GORSE, RUN HIM WITHOUT A CHECK FOR TWENTY MINUTES UP TO FRIAR'S PLANTATION--BOTHERED US A LITTLE THERE, BUT WE HIT HIM OFF AGAIN, AND AWAY WE WENT AS HARD AS WE COULD SPLIT, OVER SIMMONS' ENCLOSURES--INTO BROADFIELD PARK--RIGHT THROUGH OLD LADY GOLLOP'S GARDEN--YOU NEVER SAW SUCH A SIGHT--DIDN'T STOP THERE, BUT STEAMED AWAY DOWN FRESHWATER VALE, AND KILLED HIM IN THE OPEN, CLOSE TO DOLLMAN'S HEATH--AN HOUR AND TEN MINUTES BY MY LITTLE WATCH, AND CHARLEY BANGOROFT SAYS I WENT LIKE A BIRD, AND I'VE ASKED HIM IN TO LUNCH, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S BECOME OF POLES AND THE COACH-HORSE!"]

_Miss Stout._ "THE WORST OF LETTING ONE'S BACK HAIR DOWN IS, THAT IT MAKES THE YOUNG MEN STARE SO."]

THAT EXEMPLARY YOUNG MAN, JOSIAH SMUG, OF CLAPHAM, WOULDN'T GO TO SUCH A PLACE AS EPSOM FOR THE WORLD--BUT HE HAS NO OBJECTION TO RIDE ONE OF HIS FATHER'S HORSES BY WAY OF EXERCISE.]

_Constance._ "OH, ISN'T IT AWFULLY JOLLY? GEORGE HAS BOUGHT THIS PRIVATE HANSOM, AND I'M GOING TO DRIVE HIM OVER TO SEE GRANDPAPA!"]

_Lady._ "BUT I THOUGHT THAT YOU AND THE OTHER SERVANTS WERE PERFECTLY SATISFIED!"

_Flunkey._ "WELL, MEM, I AIN'T IN NO WAYS DISCONTENTED WITH MY WAGES, NOR WITH THE VITTELS, NOR NOTHINK OF THAT--BUT THE FACT IS, MY FRIENDS SAY THAT A YOUNG MAN OF MY APPEARANCE OUGHT TO BETTER HISSELF, AND GET INTO A SITUATION WHERE THERE'S TWO MEN BEHIND THE CARRIDGE!" (_Poor Fellow!_)]

MAMMA AND THAT URCHIN WILLIAM GET ROUND SAFELY, BUT AUGUSTUS AND EMILY ARE OVERTAKEN BY THE TIDE. WELL! WELL! THEY ARE ABOVE HIGH-WATER MARK, SO PERHAPS THEY WON'T BE VERY MISERABLE FOR THE NEXT HOUR OR TWO.]

A PROBABLE SCENE, IF OUR NOBLE LORDS GO ON DABBLING IN BUSINESS.]

_Arthur._ "MAMMA! ISN'T MR. BLANQUE A WICKED MAN?"

_Mamma._ "WICKED, MY DEAR! NO! WHAT MAKES YOU ASK SUCH A QUESTION?"

_Arthur._ "WHY, BECAUSE, MAMMA DEAR, WHEN HE COMES INTO CHURCH, HE DOESN'T _SMELL HIS HAT_ AS OTHER PEOPLE DO!"]

_Flora._ "GOOD GRACIOUS! REGINALD, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN ABOUT?"

_Reginald._ "OH, NOTHING! WE'VE ONLY BEEN PLAYING AT BEING TOM SAYERS AND THE BENICIA BOY!"]

_Cabby._ "NOW THEN, SIR! JUMP IN. DRIVE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND FOR EIGHTEEN PENCE!"]

_Admiring Friend._ "WHY FRANK! WHAT A CAPITAL DODGE!"

_Frank._ "A--YA-AS. MY BEARD IS SUCH A BORE, THAT I HAVE TAKEN A HINT FROM THE FAIR SEX."]

_Brown._ "SO, YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY OLD MRS. YELLOWBOYCE. WELL, I THINK YOU'RE A DOOCED LUCKY FELLAH!"

_Jones._ "BY JOVE, I DON'T THINK THE LUCK IS ALL ON MY SIDE! IF SHE FINDS MONEY, HANG IT, I FIND BLOOD AND--HAW--BEAUTY!"]

_Tourist (who has been refreshing himself with the Toddy of the Country)._ "I SHAY, OLE FLER! HIGHLANDS SEEM TO 'GREE WITH YOU WONERFLY--ANNOMISHTAKE. WHY, YOU LOOK DOUBLE THE MAN ALREADY!"]

_Photographer._ "NOW, SIR! 'AVE YER CART DE VISIT DONE?"]

_Patron._ "WELL, BUT YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY THAT SUCH A DAWG AS THAT COULD DRAW A BADGER?"

_Fancier._ "NOT DRAW A BADGER? WHY, BLESS YER 'ART, IT WOULD BE A LITTLE 'OLIDAY TO HIM!"]

IF YOU ARE OBLIGED TO CROSS THE CHANNEL, GET AS NEAR MID-SHIPS AS POSSIBLE (NEVER MIND THE MOVEMENT OF THE ENGINES, OR THE SMELL OF THE OIL), AND--IT WILL BE SOONER OVER.]

_Old Miss Fribble._ "HEM! CUT THESE OLD-FASHIONED MINXES OUT--FLATTER MYSELF!"]

WE DO NOT FOR ONE MOMENT PRESUME TO SAY WHETHER IT IS RIGHT OR WRONG,--ONLY, IF THIS SORT OF THING IS TO PREVAIL, WHAT'S TO BECOME OF CAPTAIN HEAVYSWELL?]

_Porter._ "NOW, MARM, WILL YOU PLEASE TO MOVE, OR WAS YOU CORDED TO YOUR BOX?"]

_Cabby._ "YOU'VE NO CALL TO GET OUT, SIR! HE'S ONLY A LITTLE OKARD AT STARTIN'!"]

_Old Tourist._ "PRAY, WAITER, IS THERE ANYTHING TO WILE AWAY THE TIME UNTIL THE DINNER-HOUR?"

_Waiter._ "YESSIR; WHICH WOULD YOU PLEASE TO TAKE, SIR?--_WINE_ OR _SPIRITS_, SIR?"]

_Fiery Instructor to trembling Pupil._ "NOW, SIR! COME! I KNOW YOU! DON'T ATTEMPT TO BULLY ME, SIR--IT WON'T SUCCEED, I CAN TELL YOU!"]

_Boatman (in the distance)._ "I SAY, JACK, GOT A MOSSEL O' BAIT TO SPARE?"

JACK. "WELL, I CAN'T LET YER HAVE NO WUMS; BUT I DON'T MIND LENDING YER A BIT O' BULLOCK'S LIVER TO OBLIGE A LADY!"]

PORTRAIT OF TOMKINS, UNDER THE DELUSION THAT THE PUBLIC TAKES THE OLD GENTLEMAN'S GROOM FOR HIS.]

_Lady._ "OH! PLEASE CABMAN, DRIVE ME TO ST. BARNABAS' CHURCH. YOU GO UP EBURY STREET, AND TAKE----"

_Cabman._ "I KNOW--HOPPOSITE THE THREE COMPASSES!"]

_Miss Priscilla (with the Dog)._ "YES, IT'S THE WORST OF THESE WATERING-PLACES. THERE ARE SO MANY ADVENTURERS ON THE LOOK OUT FOR WIVES, THAT ONE IS ALWAYS IN FEAR OF BEING PROPOSED TO!"]

_Mr. Done (to Mr. Dreary)._ "NO! A DON'T KNOW HOW IT IS--BUT I AIN'T THE THING SOMEHOW! NO EMBAWASSMENTS OR ANYTHING O' THAT SORT. CAN'T MAKE IT OUT. S'POSE IT'S _OVERWORK_!"]

_Swell._ "OH, NAWN-SENSE; HALF-A-CROWN'S TOO MUCH. HERE'S EIGHTEEN-PENCE. I AIN'T SUCH A FOOL AS I LOOK!"

_Cabby._ "AIN'T YER, SIR? THEN I ONLY WISH YER _WOS_!"]

_Little Boy._ "OH, MY EYE! THERE GOES EIGHTPENCE OUT OF A SHILLING!"]

MAJOR ALDERSHOT, RETURNING FROM PARADE, FLATTERS HIMSELF THAT HIS RAT-TAILED CHARGER IS MUCH ADMIRED SINCE THE SADDLER HAS SUPPLIED HIM WITH A NEW TAIL.]

_N.B. The Old Lady with the Parrot encourages Organ-Grinders, and when the Moon shines bright and clear, doesn't the Black Dog come out!_]

_Darling (coaxingly to Favourite Hack)._ "IT WAS A NICE 'ITTLE SOFT NOSE, IT WAS--AND IT HAD VERY NICE EYES, IT HAD--AND IT WAS VERY HANDSOME, IT WAS--AND IT WAS A NICE 'ITTLE SING ALTOGETHER!!"]

_Paterfamilias._ "MRS. JONES! M-MATILDA! WHY!--EH!--WHAT THE DEUCE--?"

_Mrs. J._ "YES, MR. J. YOU HAVE BEEN GOING ON SO ABOUT THE CRINOLINE, THAT I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY HOW YOU LIKED THIS STYLE OF THING. SO, COME, JONES, COME OUT FOR A WALK!"]

WHILE THEY ARE AT SCARBOROUGH, PATERFAMILIAS THINKS HIS LITTLE ONES OUGHT TO LOSE NO OPPORTUNITY OF DRINKING THE WATERS.]

_Miss Stout._ "WELL NOW DEAR, I CALL IT CHARMING, AND SHALL MOST CERTAINLY HAVE ONE MYSELF!"]

_Housemaid._ "DRAT THE BOTHERING CHINA CUPS AND THINGS. THEY BE ALWAYS A-KNOCKING UP AGAINST ONE'S CRINOLINE."]

_Georgina._ "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MY LITTLE POPPET?"

_Little Poppet._ "OH, AUNTY DEAR, WALTER CAN'T FIND HIS STUMPS, SO HE'S MAKING A WICKET OF MY BEST DOLL!"]

_Master Jacky (who pursues the fagging system even when home for the holidays)._ "OH, HERE YOU ARE! I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU GIRLS EVERYWHERE. NOW, YOU JUST MAKE HASTE HOME, AND PEEL ME A LOT OF SHRIMPS FOR MY LUNCH!"]

BLOOD WILL CARRY ANYTHING--AT LEAST SO MISS FEATHERWEIGHT THINKS!]

"GOOD MATCH, OLD FELLOW?"

"OH YES, AWFULLY JOLLY!"

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"I 'AD A HOVER OF JACKSON; THE FIRST BALL 'IT ME ON THE 'AND; THE SECOND 'AD ME ON THE KNEE; THE THIRD WAS IN MY EYE; AND THE FOURTH BOWLED ME OUT."

(_Jolly game._)]

_Old Salt (who has got sixpence a-piece out of the children)._ "THERE, MY DEARS, YOU'VE GOT A KITTEN FOR A SHILLUN' AS HAD OUGHT TO 'A BIN SEVIN-AND-SIXPENCE AT LEAST; AND IF YOU'LL MEET ME HERE TO-MORRER AT THE SAME TIME, YOU SHALL HAVE SUCH A BOAT FOR A HALF-A-CROWN AS YOU COULDN'T GET AT A SHOP FOR FIVE BOB!"]

_Conductor._ "FULL INSIDE, MUM!--ROOM ON THE ROOF, MUM!--ONLY LIKE GOING UP-STAIRS, MUM!" (_But the Old Lady isn't partial to going up-stairs._)]

OFFICIOUS URCHIN RUSHES TO OPEN CARRIAGE-DOOR. JOHN AND THOMAS, TO USE THEIR OWN PHRASE, ARE "COMPLETELY NONPLUSHED!"]

_Cruel Fair One (to silent Partner)._ "PRAY! HAVE YOU NO CONVERSATION?"]

_Standing-up Swell._ "MORNING, CHARLEY! DOING A BIT O' PARK, EH?"

_Swell (reclining)._ "YAAS.--YOU SEE I CAN'T DO WITHOUT MY WEGLAR EXERCISE."]

MR. PUNCH HAVING HEARD OF THE EXCELLENT QUALITIES OF THE EXMOOR PONIES, PROCURES A FEW FOR THE LITTLE FOLKS!]

_Frederick (who, we are sorry to say, is rather fond of chaffing his Brother-in-Law)._ "OH! LOOK HERE, ROBERT, WILL YOU HAVE THIS WITH YOU IN THE CARRIAGE, OR SHALL I PUT IT INTO THE VAN?"]

MR. WOBBLES, WISHING TO ACCUSTOM HIS HORSE TO THE REPORT OF FIRE-ARMS, MAKES HIS LAD FIRE A GUN AT THE CORNER OF THE LANE. AT FIRST THE EXPERIMENT IS NOT SATISFACTORY.]

_Tommy (who is standing a feed to Harry)._ "OH, HANG IT, YOU KNOW, FOURTEEN BOB FOR A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE! THAT'S COMING IT RATHER STRONG, AIN'T IT?"

_Waiter (with perfect composure)._ "WE HAVE SOME _CHEAP_ WINE, SIR, AT HALF-A-GUINEA."]

_Lady._ "I WANT ONE TICKET--FIRST!"

_Clerk._ "SINGLE?"

_Lady._ "SINGLE! WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU, SIR, WHETHER I'M SINGLE OR NOT? IMPERTINENCE!"

(_Clerk explains that he meant Single or Return, not t'other thing._)]

"WHAT CAN BE THE MATTER WITH THE 'MAGIC,' CHARLES?"

"WHY, YOU SEE, DEAR, TOM PUT HIS HELM DOWN RATHER TOO QUICK, AND SHE MISSED STAYS AND WENT ASHORE, AND THEY ARE NOW HAULING THE JIB A-WEATHER TO LET HER FILL AND PAY OFF."]

_Master (to Swell Groom)._ "OH, SNAFFLES, I WISH TO SHOW THE NEW HORSE TO THIS GENTLEMAN--AND WE SHALL RIDE IN THE AFTERNOON."

_Swell Groom._ "VERY SORRY, SIR, BUT THE OSSES ARE LOCKED UP FOR THE PRESENT, SIR! AND WHAT OSSES WAS YOU GOING TO RIDE THIS AFTERNOON? I SHOULDN'T LIKE TO 'AVE _MINE_ OUT IN THE DAMP!"]

_Landlady._ "YES, SIR, THE BOARD WERE CERTINGLY TO BE A GUINEA A WEEK, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW AS YOU WAS A-GOING TO BATHE IN THE SEA BEFORE BREAKFAST, AND TAKE BOTTLES OF TONIC DURING THE DAY!"]

NEAT AND APPROPRIATE ORNAMENT FOR A GENT'S ALL-ROUNDER.]

_Archy._ "I SAY, JESSIE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND FRENCH?"

_Jessie._ "A LITTLE--DO YOU?"

_Archy._ "OH, YES--I UNDERSTAND IT VERY WELL; BECAUSE, WHEN PA AND MA TALK FRENCH, I KNOW I'M GOING TO HAVE A POWDER!"]

_Fond Parent._ "BLESS HIS HEART--ALWAYS STUDYING! READ HIMSELF ASLEEP--GEOGRAPHY NOW, OR SOMETHING OF THAT SORT, I'LL BE BOUND?"

(_No! It's the Cookery Book._)]

_Constance (literary)._ "HAVE YOU READ THIS ACCOUNT OF 'THE MILL ON THE FLOSS,' DEAR?"

_Edith (literal)._ "NO, INDEED, I HAVE NOT; AND I WONDER THAT YOU CAN FIND ANYTHING TO INTEREST YOU IN THE DESCRIPTION OF A DISGUSTING PRIZE-FIGHT!"]

"NOW THEN, CHARITY--HIGHER! YOU DON'T CALL THAT A BACK!"]

_Lady B. (a wicked Marquis)._ "BUT HAVE YOU MADE ME FIERCE ENOUGH, CHARLES?"

_Charles._ "FIERCE!--FEROCIOUS!"]

_Old Gent._ "THIS OSCILLATION IS VERY UNUSUAL, SIR, ISN'T IT? WE SEEM TO BE GOING A TREMENDOUS PACE!"

_Swell._ "AW--YA--AS! THEY'RE MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME. I'VE JUST TIMED 'EM, AND WE'VE DONE THE LAST NINE MILES IN SIX MINUTES AND A HALF. HAVE A SMASH, PRESENTLY, AW--THINK!"]

_Emily (betrothed to Charles)._ "OH, CHARLES, ISN'T IT FUN? I'VE BEATEN ARTHUR AND JULIA, AND I'VE BROKE AUNT SALLY'S NOSE SEVEN TIMES!"]

"WIGGLES AND SPROTT PREFER BATHING FROM THE BEACH TO HAVING A STUFFY MACHINE. THEY ARE MUCH PLEASED WITH THE DELICATE LITTLE ATTENTION INDICATED ABOVE!"]

_Brown (loq.)._ "CALL THIS PLAYING AT SOLDIERS, INDEED! I'D MUCH RATHER BE BEFORE 'A HOT FIRE,' I KNOW!"

(_Nevertheless, Brown sticks to his duty like a man._)]

_'Arry (in the Boots of the Period)._ "YES, THEY'RE DOOCED COMFORTABLE, AND THEY GIVE ONE A MILITARY AND RATHER SPORTING APPEARANCE, I FANCY."]

_Jones (to Old Woman)._ "COM, SAR--WHAT DO YOU MEAN?--AM I TO BE LED DOWN LIKE THAT FOR A QUARTER OF A MILE?"]

_First Irresistible (on hack)._ "ULLO, 'ARRY! WHY, WHAT HAS BROUGHT YOU HERE?"

_Second Ditto._ "WHY, YER SEE, BILL, I'M PRECIOUS SICK OF WORKING FOR MY LIVING, SO I'VE COME HERE TO PICK UP AN _'AIRESS_!"]

_Jane._ "LAWK, JEMIMA! DON'T THEY LOOK BEWTIFLE NOW THEY'VE GOT THEIR LONG COATS!"]

MR. BRIGGS GOES OUT SHOOTING WITH A BRACE OF DOGS HE HAS BROKEN-IN HIMSELF.]

_Confounded good-looking Hibernian Friend (to Jones)._ "ADIEU, ME BOY! IS THERE ANYTHING I'LL DO FOR-R-R YE WHILE YE'RE AWAY? WILL I RIDE OUT, OR WALK WITH MISS PLUMLEY FOR-R-R YE, NOW! ONLY SPAKE THE WOR-R-RD!"]

_Diana._ "YES, DEAR--I MUST SAY THAT I THINK A GIRL NEVER LOOKS SO WELL AS SHE DOES IN HER RIDING HABIT!"]

_Photographer._ "NOW, SIR, STEP IN AND HAVE YOUR LIKENESS TAKEN, IT MIGHT BE USEFUL TO YOUR FAMILY!"]

_Irritated Swell (walking away)._ "I TELL YOU I DON'T WANT TO BE BRUSHED!"

_Public Coat-Brusher._ "OH, JUST TO MAKE YOU A LITTLE TIDY, MY LORD!"

_Swell._ "I SHAN'T PAY YOU!"

_Coat-Brusher (still brushing)._ "THAT AIN'T O' NO CONSEQUENCE, MY LORD; BUT I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU LOOK RESPECTABLE!"]

_Bill._ "WELL, JIM! HOW BE YOU TO-DAY?"

_Jim._ "WHAT ODDS IS THAT TO YOU?--YOU BEAN'T MY MEDICAL ATTENDANT!"]

_Invalid (in carriage)._ "NOW, THESE POSTILIONS NEVER SEEM TO BE UNWELL! UPON MY WORD, I VERILY BELIEVE IF I WERE TO CHANGE PLACES WITH THAT LITTLE CHAP, I SHOULD BE EVER SO MUCH BETTER!"]

"DON'T BE ALARMED, DARLINGS--THE CAPTAIN HAS GOT QUITE ENOUGH TO DO TO LOOK AFTER HIMSELF."--_Punch._]

_Young Larkins._ "OH, HERE'S MAMMA! NOW, MA, IF YOU'LL FALL IN BY G'INA, I'LL PUT YOU THROUGH YOUR FACINGS. 'TEN-TION!"]

_Painter._ "I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT I'M AFRAID YOU ARE SITTING ON MY PALETTE!"]

CAUTION TO YOUNG LADIES WHO RIDE IN CRINOLINE ON DONKEYS.]

TOM (WHO HAS HAD A VERY SUCCESSFUL DAY) PRESENTS HIS SISTERS WITH A FINE SPECIMEN OF THE CUTTLE-FISH (_Octopus Vulgaris_).]

_Whipper._ "DOOCED NICE PLACE, THIS--ONLY ONE CAN'T SPEAK TO A GAL WITHOUT IT'S BEING REPORTED YOU'RE ENGAGED TO HER."

_Snapper._ "HAH! I TOOK THE PRECAUTION TO GIVE OUT WHEN I FIRST CAME THAT I WASN'T A MARRYIN' MAN!"]

_Boy._ "AH, YOU AND MRS. DRONE ARE COMING TO SEE US NEXT WEEK IN THE COUNTRY."

_Mr. Drone._ "ARE WE?--WE HAVE HEARD NOTHING OF IT."

_Boy._ "OH, YES--BECAUSE I HEARD PAPA SAY TO MAMMA, THAT THEY HAD SOME TIRESOME PEOPLE COMING, AND THEY MIGHT AS WELL ASK ALL THE BORES AT ONCE."]

_First Juvenile._ "MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF DANCING WITH YOU, MISS ALICE?"

_Second Juvenile._ "A, NO--THANKS, I NEVER DANCE WITH YOUNGER SONS!"]

_Charley (who is wet through for the ninth time)._ "OH, MA! WE'VE BEEN _SO_ JOLLY! WE'VE BEEN FILLING ONE ANOTHER'S HAIR WITH SAND AND MAKING BOATS OF OUR BOOTS, AND HAVING SUCH FUN!"]

YES! BUT WE ARE SURE THAT IF ELLEN KNEW WHAT A FIGURE FREDERICK MADE OF HER BY SPRAWLING ON THE CLIFF JUST BEHIND HER, SHE WOULDN'T BE SO QUIET.]

GALLOPING DOWN THE SIDE OF A FIELD COVERED WITH MOLE-HILLS, ON A WEAK-NECKED HORSE, WITH A SNAFFLE BRIDLE, ONE FOOT OUT OF YOUR STIRRUP, AND A BIT OF MUD IN YOUR EYE!]

THE CRINOLINE STORM SIGNAL; A WARNING TO YOUNG LADIES AT THE SEA-SIDE.]

_Nursery-Maid (to horse, with great affection)._ "OH, YOU DARLING! I AM SO FOND OF YOU!"]

_"Gar and Starter, Richmond.
July 8.--Thermometer ever so much in the shade._

DEAR P.,

IN REPLY TO YOUR HEARTLESS LETTER, ON AFFAIRS OF A BUSINESS CHARACTER, I BEG TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM HERE, AND WITH NO INTENTION OF INJURING MY PRECIOUS HEALTH BY ANY EXERTION, BODILY OR MENTAL. MAKE WHAT USE YOU PLEASE OF THIS INFORMATION, AND ACCEPT THE ASSURANCE OF MY MOST DISTINGUISHED REGARD AND ESTEEM.

SIGNED,

* * * * *."]

THE FEMALE BLONDIN OUTDONE! GRAND MORNING PERFORMANCE ON THE NARROW PLANK BY THE DARLING * * *.]

MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS.

MR. BRIGGS, FEELING THAT HIS HEART IS IN THE HIGHLANDS, A-CHASING THE DEER, STARTS FOR THE NORTH.]

"THIS CARRIAGE IS ENGAGED!"]

_Omnibus Driver (in the distance)._ "HOLLOA, JOE, NOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR DUCK, I'LL SEND YOU THE PEAS!"]

_Clara._ "MAMMA, DEAR! I WISH YOU WOULD SPEAK TO GEORGE! HE WILL KEEP SPINNING FREDDY'S NASTY GREAT HUMMING-TOP IN MY AQUARIUM, AND IT DOES SO FRIGHTEN THE MINNOWS!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS.

MR. BRIGGS, PREVIOUS TO GOING THROUGH HIS COURSE OF DEER-STALKING, ASSISTS THE FORESTER IN GETTING A HART OR TWO FOR THE HOUSE. DONALD IS REQUESTING OUR FRIEND TO HOLD THE ANIMAL DOWN BY THE HORNS.

(_N.B. The said animal is as strong as a bull, and uses his legs like
a race horse._)]

MR. BRIGGS AND HIS FRIENDS HAVE A QUIET CHAT ABOUT DEERSTALKING GENERALLY, HE LISTENS WITH MUCH INTEREST TO SOME PLEASING ANECDOTES ABOUT THE LITTLE INCIDENTS FREQUENTLY MET WITH--SUCH AS BALLS GOING THROUGH CAPS--TOES BEING SHOT OFF!--OCCASIONALLY BEING GORED BY THE ANTLERS OF INFURIATE STAGS, &c., &c., &c.]

_Mrs. T. (to T.)_ "FEEL A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE, DEAR? CAN I GET ANYTHING ELSE FOR YOU? WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR CIGAR-CASE NOW? (_Aside._) I'LL TEACH HIM TO GO OUT TO GREENWICH AND RICHMOND WITHOUT ME, AND SIT UP HALF THE NIGHT AT HIS CLUB!"]

_Immense Swell._ "HAW! LOOK HEAW! IF I--HAW--TOOK A QUANTITY OF THESE THINGS, WOULD THEY--HAW--BE CHEAPAW?"

_Hosier._ "WELL, SIR, THAT WOULD DEPEND! PRAY ARE YOU IN THE TRADE?"

(_Feelings of Swell may be imagined._)]

MR. BRIGG'S ADVENTURE IN THE HIGHLANDS

TO-DAY HE GOES OUT FOR A STALK, AND DONALD SHOWS MR. BRIGGS THE WAY.]

WITH EXTRAORDINARY PERSEVERANCE THEY COME WITHIN SHOT OF "THE FINEST HART." MR. B. IS OUT OF BREATH, AFRAID OF SLIPPING, AND WANTS TO BLOW HIS NOSE (QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION). OTHERWISE HE IS TOLERABLY COMFORTABLE.]

"OH, GRACIOUS, MISS LEGUME! I FEAR I HAVE TASTED ANIMAL FOOD. I HAVE EATEN A WHOLE EARWIG IN MY SALAD!"]

"NOW THEN, JACK! YOU TAKE THE PRONUNCIATION FROM ME, AND WHEN HE COMES, SING OUT 'VEEV LUMPHOOROAR!'"]

_Boy (attending)._ "NO, SIR! NOR THERE AIN'T BIN NONE NOT FOR EVER SO LONG!"

_Owing to the exceedingly dry weather, Mr. Hackle finds that the stream he has taken for fishing is not in so good a state as he could wish._]

MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS.

AFTER AIMING FOR A QUARTER OF AN HOUR, MR. B. FIRES BOTH HIS BARRELS--AND--MISSES!!!! TABLEAU--THE FORESTER'S ANGUISH.]

THE ROYAL HART MR. BRIGGS DID _NOT_ HIT.]

_Railway Guard (as it is getting dark)._ "WOULD YOU LIKE A LIGHT IN THIS CARRIAGE, SIR?"

_Swell (showing a Regalia in full blaze)._ "NO, THANKS! I HAVE ONE!"

(_Exit Guard overpowered._)]

_Smike._ "I SAY, BILL, HOW ABOUT THE DERBY THIS YEAR?"

_Bill._ "OH, NOTHIN' BUT A OAX! NOTHIN' BUT A OAX! BARRIN' THE PUN!"]

THE LATEST PLEASANTRY IN THE PUBLIC STREETS.]

MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS.

AFTER A GOOD DEAL OF CLIMBING, OUR FRIEND GETS TO THE TOP OF BEN SOMETHING-OR-OTHER, AND THE FORESTER LOOKS OUT TO SEE IF THERE ARE ANY DEER ON THE HILLS. YES! SEVERAL HINDS, AND PERHAPS THE FINEST HART THAT EVER WAS SEEN.]

TO GET AT HIM, THEY ARE OBLIGED TO GO A LONG WAY ROUND, BEFORE THEY GET DOWN, THE SHOWER PECULIAR TO THE COUNTRY OVERTAKES THEM, SO THEY "SHELTER A-WEE."]

THAT ESTIMABLE MAN, MR. PUNCH, GOES FOR A RIDE ON HIS COB, AND CANNOT AGREE WITH A CERTAIN WORTHY MAGISTRATE OR "BEAK" THAT STREET-TUMBLING IS AT ALL A CLEVER OR DESIRABLE PERFORMANCE:--]

MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS.

THE DEER ARE DRIVEN FOR MR. BRIGGS. HE HAS AN EXCELLENT PLACE, BUT WHAT WITH WAITING BY HIMSELF SO LONG, THE MURMUR OF THE STREAM, THE BEAUTY OF THE SCENE, AND THE NOVELTY OF THE SITUATION, HE FALLS ASLEEP, AND WHILE HE TAKES HIS FORTY WINKS, THE DEER PASS!]

_Gentleman._ "WELL, TOM, THERE'S NO SCENT AGAIN!"

_Huntsman (who looks upon Spring time with profound melancholy)._ "SCENT, SIR! NO, SIR! NOR I DON'T SEE HOW THERE CAN BE ANY SCENT NOW THEM STINKING VIOLETS IS ALL IN BLOOM."]

_Donald Punch (a Keeper.)_ "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MY LORD BISHOP, BUT MAY I JUST TROUBLE YE TO SHOW ME YOUR CERTIFICATE?"]

MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS.

AS THE WIND IS FAVOURABLE, THE DEER ARE DRIVEN AGAIN.]

MR. BRIGGS IS SUDDENLY FACE TO FACE WITH THE MONARCH OF THE GLEN! HE IS SO ASTONISHED THAT HE OMITS TO FIRE HIS RIFLE.]

_Field Officer of the Day._ "HULLO! WHY DON'T THE GUARD TURN OUT?"

_Solitary Private._ "PLEASE, SIR, THEY'RE GONE TO TARGET PRACTICE!"

_Field Officer of the Day._ "AND WHO THE DEUCE ARE YOU?"

_Solitary Private._ "PLEASE, SIR, I'M THE PRISONER, SIR!"

(_Related to us as a fact, but which, as a distinguished Field Officer
ourselves, we don't indorse._)]

_Mamma (who won't appear old if she can help it)._ "YES, DEAR! ARABELLA DOES GROW, CERTAINLY, BUT BLESS YOU, MY DEAR, SHE'S A MERE CHILD--A MERE CHILD!"]

_Elegant Party._ "THERE'S ONE COMFORT NOW-A-DAYS; A GOOD-LOOKING YOUNG FELLER, WITH A HELEGANT FIGGER CAN ALWAYS BE A MODEL TO A PHOTOGRAPHER!"]

MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS.

MR. BRIGGS HAS ANOTHER DAY'S STALKING, AND HIS RIFLE HAVING GONE OFF SOONER THAN HE EXPECTED, HE KILLS A STAG! AS IT IS HIS FIRST, HE IS MADE FREE OF THE FOREST BY THE PROCESS CUSTOMARY ON THE HILLS!]

AND RETURNS HOME IN TRIUMPH. HE IS A LITTLE KNOCKED UP, BUT AFTER A NAP, WILL, NO DOUBT, GO THROUGH THE BROAD-SWORD DANCE IN THE EVENING AS USUAL.]

_Governess._ "NOW, FRANK, YOU MUST PUT YOUR DRUM DOWN, IF YOU ARE GOING TO SAY YOUR PRAYERS."

_Frank._ "OH, DO LET ME WEAR IT, PLEASE; _I'LL PROMISE NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT_."]

_Young Hardman._ "GOING TO DINGLEY CROSS ROADS?"

_Consols._ "YES!"

_Y. H._ "AH, THEN, I SUPPOSE YOU'VE SENT YOUR HORSE ON!"

(CONSOLS _never rides upon less than 250 guineas, and thinks himself
as near perfection as possible._)]

MR. BRIGGS'S ADVENTURES IN THE HIGHLANDS.

_PARTRIDGE-SHOOTING._

ON HIS WAY TO THAT TURNIP-FIELD, OUR DEAR OLD BRIGGS PASSES THROUGH THE PARK IN WHICH HIS FRIEND'S FAVOURITE BISONS ARE KEPT, HE SAYS TO GEORDIE THE KEEPER: "I TRUST, MY GOOD FELLOW, THIS IS NOT THE SEASON YOU SPOKE OF IN WHICH THESE CREATURES--YOU KNOW--EH--WHAT--A--A--ARE _DANGEROUS_?"]

OUR EXCELLENT FRIEND, MR. BRIGGS, ALWAYS SHOOTS NOW IN KNICKERBOCKERS, AND DECLARES THEY ARE THE MOST COMFORTABLE THINGS POSSIBLE; AND SO THEY ARE.]

(DEDICATED TO THOSE POLITE AND PROFOUND OBSERVERS OF BRITISH MANNERS AND CUSTOMS--THE PARISIAN ARTISTS!)]

THE FRENCH CARICATURISTS, WITH THEIR USUAL ACCURATE KNOWLEDGE OF BRITISH MANNERS AND CUSTOMS, ARE FOND OF REPRESENTING OUR SOLDIERS AS CONTINUALLY PLAYING AT BILLIARDS.--WELL! PERHAPS IT WILL BE FOUND THAT THEY _DO_ PLAY THEIR _CANNONS_ REMARKABLY WELL!]

[Footnote A: British Officers of Distinction]

[Footnote B: Daughters of Albion! (The wonderful fidelity of this representation will be immediately acknowledged.)]

[Footnote C: Young Guardsmen! (Painful, perhaps, but too true!)]

[Footnote D: The _Boule Dogue_. (Asleep, of course.)]

_Lady._ "WHAT! TWO SHILLINGS! AND EIGHTEENPENCE FOR WAITING THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR?--NONSENSE, MAN! IT WAS ONLY TEN MINUTES BY MY WATCH!"

_Cabman (insinuatingly)._ "WASN'T IT, MISS? WELL, THEN, I S'POSE IT WAS A MISSIN' O' YOUR PRETTY FACE AS MADE IT SEEM THREE KERVARTERS OF AN HOUR!"

(_Fare pays, and thinks the Cabman an extremely nice person._)]

_Mistress._ "YOU ARE AN EXCESSIVELY WICKED BOY, SIR! YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY LONG TIME BRINGING ME THIS LETTER--AND I MUST INSIST UPON KNOWING IN WHAT MANNER YOU HAVE BEEN IDLING AWAY YOUR TIME--SPEAK, SIR!"

_Domestic._ "BOO-HOO-'M! IF YOU PLEASE, 'M! _ME AND ANOTHER BUTLER_ WAS A-LOOKING AT PUNCH. BOO-HOO!!"]

A HINT TO THE HORSE GUARDS.]

.

_Lucy._ "NOW TELL ME, MARY, WHICH IS THE BEST?"

_Mary (who is rather horsey)._ "WELL, DEAR, FOR TEA IN THE ARBOUR, AND THAT SORT OF THING, PERHAPS THE LITTLE ROUND ONE; BUT IF YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE GOING ACROSS COUNTRY, THE CHIMNEY-POT ALL TO NOTHING!"]

_Alimentive Boy._ "MY EYE, TOMMY, WOULDN'T I LIKE TO BOARD IN THAT 'OUSE JUST!"]

SO! AS IT'S A FINE DAY, YOU'LL SIT ON THE BEACH AND READ THE PAPER COMFORTABLY, WILL YOU? VERY GOOD! THEN WE RECOMMEND YOU TO GET WHAT GUINEA-PIGS, BRANDY-BALLS, BOATS, AND CHILDREN'S SOCKS, TO SAY NOTHING OF SHELL-WORK BOXES, LACE COLLARS, AND THE LIKE, YOU MAY WANT, BEFORE YOU SETTLE DOWN.]

_Master Jack._ "NOW, GRANNY, YOU MAY COME AND HAVE SOME JUMPS OVER OUR DAISY CHAIN."]

_Diana._ "WELL, ALFRED, I SUPPOSE YOU'VE MADE UP YOUR MIND TO JOIN A RIFLE CORPS--EH?"

_Alfred._ "WHY, NO. YOU SEE, I'M MORE IN THE RIDING WAY. NOW, IF THEY WILL GET UP SOME VOLUNTEER CAVALRY--WHY, I'LL FIND A MAN AND A HORSE!"]

_Bus Conductor (slamming the door)._ "FULL INSIDE!"

_Facetious Driver._ "FULL INSIDE! WELL--SO YER OUGHT TO BE; YER HAD A SIRLOIN OF BREAD AND CHEESE FOR YER TEA!"]

_Master._ "WELL, SAUNDERS, I SEE YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO DO MUCH WITH THE OLD SOW, AFTER ALL?"

_Saunders._ "WHY, YOU SEE MAISTER RICHARD, SHE WARENT TAKEN IN TIME, THE POWER THING, SHE WARENT--SHE'S STRUV HARD TO GET ROUND, BUT THE WEATHER'S AGIN HER, YE SEE. TO-DAY IT SHONE A BIT, AND I THOUGHT IT'D DO HER GOOD TO GET OUT. SO IN THE WARM OF THE ARTERNOON I PUT HER IN THE BARROW, AND TOOK HER FOR A LITTLE RIDE IN THE SUN!"]

_Traveller in the Isle of Wight._ "BLESS MY HEART! THERE'S THE BELL RINGING ON THE PIER. HOLLO! WHY, WHERE'S THE CARPET BAG I LEFT IN THE PASSAGE?"

_Hotel Keeper (faintly)._ "OH, HOW SHOULD I KNOW? DON'T ASK ME, I'M ONLY THE LANDLORD. YOU HAD BETTER TRY IF YOU CAN'T WAKE ONE OF THE WAITERS."]

_French Maid._ "YOU LIKE A--ZE--SEA-SIDE, M'SIEUR JEAN THOMAS?"

_John Thomas._ "_PAR BOKHOO_, MAMZELLE--_PAR BOOKHOO_. I'VE--AW--BIN SO ACCUSTOMED TO--AW--GAIETY IN TOWN, THAT I'M--AW--A'MOST KILLED WITH _ARNWEE_ DOWN HERE."]

_Master Cock-Robin._ "I TELL YOU WHAT, UNCLE CHARLES--IF YOU ARE AT ALL NERVOUS ABOUT THE GAROTTERS--I'LL WALK HOME WITH YOU!"]

_Lord D-ndre-ry (to his Bwother)._ "A-A-A, I THAY THAM! WATHER A DITHPLAY OF FIGGER--EH?"]

_Chorus of Offended Maidens._ "WELL! IF CLARA AND CAPTAIN DE HOLSTER ARE GOING ON IN THAT RIDICULOUS MANNER, WE MAY AS WELL LEAVE OFF PLAYING."]

(STEADY MAN SMOKES A SHORT PIPE, AND JAWS AT THE YOUNG SWELL LOUNGING IN EASY CHAIR.)

_Steady Man._ "A MAN MUST _WORK_ NOW-A-DAYS, OR HE GETS LEFT BEHIND. THE ONLY POSITION WORTH HAVING IS WHAT YOU MAKE FOR YOURSELF," &c., &c.

_Youthful Swell._ "OH, YES, I QUITE AGWEE WITH YOU ABOUT WORK. I DON'T MIND WORK, YOU KNOW, IN A GENEWAL WAY--BUT I OBJECT TO WHAT I CALL 'WORK OF SUPERWEWOGATION!'"

_Steady Man._ "AND PRAY WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND BY THAT?"

_Youthful Swell._ "WHY--I MEAN I DON'T CARE TO DO ANYTHING I CAN GET DONE FOR ME!"]

_Pretty Milliner (trying it on)._ "DO YOU THINK THIS WOULD SUIT THE LADY, SIR?"

(_Little Tompkins begins to like shopping rather._)]

_Lady Swell._ "OH, YES, YOU KNOW! QUITE NEW! THE OLD NETS AND BEAVERS' TAILS GETTING AWFULLY COMMON, YOU KNOW!"]

EXCITEMENT OF THE HANSOM CABBIES ON THE APPEARANCE OF A SWELL OUT OF THE SEASON.]

_Henrietta (who is joking, of course)._ "I'VE BEEN THINKING, DEAR CHARLES, THAT AS YOU REQUIRE CHANGE, IT WOULD BE SO NICE FOR YOU TO GO DOWN WITH THE CHILDREN TO SOME QUIET PLACE AT THE SEA-SIDE, WHILE I AND MRS. FRED SPANKER WENT TO BADEN-BADEN FOR A FEW WEEKS--EH--?----"

[_This last being just what the wretch_ CHARLES _has been proposing to
himself and_ FRED SPANKER _for the last month_.]

_Frank_. "I KNOW THIS--I CAN'T STAND MANY MORE EVENING PARTIES, AND IF I DON'T GET INTO THE COUNTRY AND HAVE A FEW DAYS' HUNTING, I SHALL KNOCK UP!"]

_Jones (living in the plebeian locality of St. John's Wood)_. "I AM ALSO EXTREMELY PARTICULAR ABOUT MY WINDOWS--IF YOU ENTER MY SERVICE, I SHALL EXPECT YOU TO CLEAN THEM VERY CAREFULLY."

_John Thomas (from Belgravia)._ "OH, OF COURSE, SIR! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WINDOWS CLEANED IF YOU LIKE--BUT IN _BELGRAVIA_--WE PREFERS THEM DIRTY--IT'S CONSIDERED MORE _ARISTOCRATIC_!"]

THIS IS JONES, WHO THOUGHT TO SLIP DOWN BY THE RAIL EARLY IN THE MORNING, AND HAVE A GALLOP WITH THE FOX-HOUNDS. ON LOOKING OUT OF WINDOW, HE FINDS IT IS A CLEAR FROSTY MORNING. HE SEES A SMALL BOY SLIDING--ACTUALLY SLIDING--ON THE PAVEMENT OPPOSITE!! AND--DOESN'T HE HATE THAT BOY--AND DOESN'T HE SAY, IT IS A BEASTLY CLIMATE!!]

PAINFUL AND HUMILIATING CONTRAST, TO THE DISADVANTAGE OF OUR POOR LITTLE ENGLISH TRAVELLER, OF COURSE.]

THE RESPECTABLE CAPITALIST WHO WILL BET A THOUSAND TO ONE AGAINST EVERYTHING, AND PAY IF HE LOSES--OF COURSE!]

"----FIXING HER EYES ON HIS, AND PLACING HER PRETTY LITTLE FOOT ON THE BALL, SHE SAID, 'NOW, THEN, I AM GOING TO CROQUET YOU!' AND CROQUET'D HE WAS COMPLETELY." (_From Rose to Emily_).]

_Domestic._ "PROFESSOR MAULEY, MA'AM!"]

_First Tourist (going North)._ "HULLO, TOMPK----"

_Second Ditto (ditto, ditto)._ "HSH--SH! CONFOUND IT, YOU'LL SPOIL ALL. THEY THINK IN THE TRAIN I'M A HIGHLAND CHIEF!"]

_Charles._ "SWEET STYLE OF TROWSER, GUS!"

_Gus._ "YA-AS! AND SO DOOSED COMFORTABLE. THEY'RE CALLED PANTALONS À LA PEG-TOP!"

Charles. "NO!--REALLY!"]

_Jolly Post Boy of the Period._ "I SAY, BILL, DON'T YER WISH IT WAS DARBY DAY ALL THE YEAR ROUND?"]

(WHERE YOU MAY GET ADULTERATED BEER AND GIN.)

A PLACE IN WHICH THE GREAT BREWERS _DON'T_ SEE ANY PARTICULAR HARM]

(WHERE THEY SERVE THE DEMORALISING VEAL PIE AND GLASS OF SHERRY, OR FRENCH LIGHT WINE.)

TOO SHOCKING TO THINK OF!]

_Party (in cheery tone, calculated to impart confidence to the weaker sex)._ "FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW ME--THERE'S NO CAUSE FOR ALARM, I ASSURE YOU. WOA--WO--WO--MY MAN--STEADY, MARE--WO! (_sotto voce._) I'M DEUCED GLAD IT'S THEIR HEADS INSTEAD OF THEIR HEELS--WO'"]

_Flunkey (reads)._ "_Yesterday, thirty of the Invalids from the Crimea were inspected * * * many of the gallant fellows were dreadfully mutilated at the Alma and Inkermann. * * * After the inspection, ten of the Guards were regaled in the Servants' Hall._"

_Flunkey (loq.)_. "REGALED IN THE SERVANTS' 'ALL! EH? WELL, I DON'T THINK THEY'VE ANY CALL TO GRUMBLE ABOUT NOT BEIN' 'HONOURED SUFFICIENT!'"]

WHY, THE FACT IS, THE STUPID AND GREEDY BOY HAS MISTAKEN FOR JAM, AND SWALLOWED, A RATHER FINE SPECIMEN OF THE ACTINEA EQUINA, OR PURPLE SEA ANEMONE WHICH AUNT FOOZLE HAS BROUGHT FROM THE COAST!]

_Nurse_. "DRAT THE CHILD! WHY CANT YER WALK?--YER MORE PLAGUE THAN ALL MY MONEY!"]

_Railway Porter._ "ANY LUGGAGE, MISS?"

_Young Lady (who is also a leetle fast)._ "YES! PORTMANTEAU, A LITTLE BAY HORSE AND A BLACK RETRIEVER!--AND LOOK HERE, GET ME A HANSOM!"]

THE LAST SWEET THINGS IN HATS AND WALKING-STICKS AT BIARRITZ.]

_Unhappy Sub._ "BY JOVE, YOU KNOW, AS IF ALDERSHOT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH OF ITSELF, WITHOUT DEPRIVING US OF THE ONLY AMUSEMENT WE HAD!"]

(Musics: IN RE DOE VER SUS RICH ARD ROE.)]

_Professor Pumper._ "MAY I ASK, MISS BLANK, WHY YOU ARE MAKING THOSE LITTLE PELLETS?"

_Miss B._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW. IT IS A HABIT I HAVE. I ALWAYS MAKE BREAD PILLS WHEN I FEEL BORED AT DINNER!"]

_Sporting Gent._ "'OUNDS BEEN THROUGH HERE, OLD MAN?"

_Old Man._ "YA'AS!"

_Sporting Gent._ "'OW LONG?"

_Old Man._ "FIVE-AND-TWENTY MINNITS ABOUT!"]

_Jones._ "H'M! HERE'S A PRETTY TO-DO! CAN'T FIND MY MACHINE NOW!"]

THIS IS DE ROBINSON, WHO, IN HIS HURRY AND ANXIETY TO BE IN TIME FOR DINNER, PUTS HIS KNUCKLE-DUSTERS IN HIS COAT-TAIL POCKET.

(SENSATION SCENE.)]

[Footnote E: ]

_Reginald (who has a fine taste, and is very fond of curious old Glass)._ "NOW, UNCLE, HELP YOURSELF, AND PASS THE BOTTLE."]

_First Boy (loq.)._ "I TELL YER IT'S 'ED'S HERE!--I SEEN IT MOVE!"

_Second Ditto._ "I SAY IT'S AT THIS END, YER STOOPID!--I CAN SEE 'IS EARS!"]

_Old Gent. (with tender feet)._ "NOW, BOY, BE VERY CAREFUL!"

_Boy._ "OH, YES, YOUR HONOUR! THESE 'ERE KNOBS 'LL TAKE A BEAUTIFUL POLISH!"]

_Matilda (with the hat)._ "WELL, DEAR, NO ONE EVER PRESUMED TO ADDRESS _ME_. STILL, AFTER ALL THE LETTERS IN THE PAPERS, I THINK NO GIRL OF PREPOSSESSING APPEARANCE SHOULD EVER GO OUT UNPROTECTED; SO I ALWAYS TAKE THOMPSON NOW!"]

_Aunt (handling Young Lady's abundant hair)._ "WHAT A TROUBLE, DEAR KITTY, YOUR HAIR IS TO ONE!"

_Dear Kitty._ "OH, AUNTY, IF IT'S A TROUBLE, WHY DON'T YOU PUT KITTY'S HAIR IN YOUR DRAWER, JUST AS YOU DO WITH YOUR OWN?"]

_Swell._ "BOY! WHO'S CAB'S THIS?"

_Boy._ "WHAT ODDS IS THAT TO YOU? DO YOU S'POSE MY GOV'N'R GIVES ME BOARD WAGES TO TELL WHO BELONGS TO US?"]

_Old Party (reads)._ "CRYSTAL PALACE--THIS DAY--FÊTE OF THE AMATEUR GYMNASTIC SOCIETY,--'THAT'S THE HOLIDAY FOR ME!'"]

_Juvenile._ "DO YOU OBJECT TO MY SMOKING A CIGAR, SIR?"

_Elderly Party._ "OH NO, CERTAINLY NOT, IF IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU SICK!"]

_Friend (on the bank)._ "WELL, JACK! HAVE YOU HAD PRETTY GOOD SPORT?"

_Jack._ "SPORT! IF YOU CALL IT SPORT TO HAVE NO WATER AND NO FISH, AND TO PAY NINETY POUNDS FOR THREE WEEKS OF IT, I'VE HAD PLENTY!"]

_Young Practitioner._ "H'M, VERY ODD--! MUST HAVE MADE SOME MISTAKE; THERE'S NOTHING THE MATTER WITH _THIS_ TOOTH. NEVER MIND, TRY AGAIN!"]

_Infuriated Principal, opening Fast Clerk's telegram by mistake (reads)._ "'TOM TIT' SURE TO WIN--TELEGRAPH AND SAY IF YOU WILL HAVE PONY ON--IF SO, SEND CASH TO-DAY!"]

_Brown (who has given Tomkins, from Town, a Mount)._ "YOU NEEDN'T BE THE LEAST AFRAID. IT'S ONLY HIS PLAY. HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT AFTER HE HAS BEEN OVER A FEW FENCES!"]

_Swell Keeper (to party assembled)._ "NOW, I WANTS A COUPLE O' LORDS FORRAO--A COUPLE O' LORDS ON THE RIGHT, AND A COUPLE O' LORDS ON THE LEFT!" (_Turning to humble Commoner in Knickerbockers and Zouave gaiters._) "YOU TRY THE HIGH STUFF WITH THE BEATERS, AND TAKE YOUR CHANCE OF A HARE BACK."]

OLD FLOAT AND TOM GENTLE DON'T GET ANY BITES, SO THEY LAND ON AN ISLAND TO HAVE A QUIET SMOKE--THEY SUDDENLY DISCOVER THAT THE ROPE HAS SLIPPED, AND THE BOAT IS DRIFTING DOWN THE RIVER! (_No one near for miles._)]

_Host._ "STAY, STEVENS--WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE SALMON? NOBODY HAS HAD ANY OF IT!"

_Butler._ "PRAY, SIR, WHAT ARE WE TO HAVE FOR SUPPER?"]

_Mr. Bristles._ "THEN YOU REALLY THINK IT AN IMPROVEMENT, EH?"

_Miss Spikes._ "DECIDEDLY--IT HIDES SO MUCH MORE OF YOUR FACE."]

THE EARTHQUAKE WAS FELT, TOO, IN MANY PARTS OF LONDON. THIS IS OLD BEERY, THE CHURCHWARDEN, WHO DECLARES THAT WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE MARQUIS OF GRANBY THE PAVEMENT HIT HIM ON THE NOSE, AND THAT HIS STREET-DOOR WOULDN'T LET HIM GET HIS LATCH-KEY IN.]

_Traveller._ "PORTER! PORTER!"

_Echo._ "DON'T YOU WISH YOU MAY GET HIM?"]

_Costermonger._ "NOW, MISTER, I WANTS MY DELICACY OF TOUCH RESTORED, AND THE SEAL OF HELEGANCE IMPRESSED UPON MY BUNCH OF FIVES!"]

_Head of House._ "PRAY, SIR, MAY I ASK WHY YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDING CHAPEL?"

_Sir Liabed Rattlecash._ "WHY, SIR, THE FACT IS--AW--THAT--I--AW--HAVE BECOME A DISSENTER."]

_William._ "NOW, CHAWLES, AIN'T YOU READY? _OUR_ CARRIAGE IS AT THE DOOR AND THE FOLKS ARE IN!"]

_Lady._ "THEN, WHY DID YOU LEAVE?"

_Domestic._ "WELL, MA'AM, IF YOU ARST ME, I B'LIEVE THE REEL REASON WERE, THAT MISSUS THOUGHT I WERE TOO GOOD-LOOKING!"]

_Frederick (pointing to sleeping Cabby)._ "THERE, AUNT! NOW'S YOUR TIME FOR A PAIR OF GLOVES!"]

_Messenger (from Studious Party in the floor below)._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, MASTER'S COMPLIMENTS, AND HE SAYS HE'D BE MUCH OBLIGED IF YOU'D LET HIM KNOW WHEN THE REPAIRS WILL BE FINISHED, FOR THE KNOCKING DO DISTURB HIM SO!"]

_First Undergraduate._ "HI! FRANK! HERE'S A GATE!"

_Second Undergraduate._ "GATE! I DIDN'T PAY TWO GUINEAS TO GO THROUGH GATES, WITH SUCH LOVELY POSTS AND RAILS BEFORE ME!"]

_Cabby (after driving a couple of miles, suddenly stops opposite a roadside Public House)._ "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR, BUT YOU DIDN'T SAY AS WE WAS TO PULL UP ANYWHERES, DID YOU, SIR?"]

_Emily (to rejected Subs)._ "IT'S VERY DISAGREEABLE, CERTAINLY, TO BE UNSUCCESSFUL IN YOUR EXAMINATIONS, AND SO MANY TIMES, TOO! BUT I SHOULD WORK HARD, AND TRY AGAIN."

_Younger and much too sharp Brother._ "NEVER YOU MIND, CHARLEY! IT PROVES THAT THERE'S NO WANT OF _PLUCK_ ABOUT YOU!"]

_Cousin Florence._ "WELL, TOMMY, AND SO YOU LIKE YOUR LITTLE FRIEND PHILIP, DO YOU? AND HOW OLD DO YOU THINK HE IS?"

_Tommy._ "WELL, I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW; BUT I SHOULD THINK HE WAS _RATHER_ OLD, FOR HE BLOWS _HIS OWN NOSE!_"]

"NOW, MY LOVE!--ARE YOU NOT READY FOR CHURCH?"

"READY FOR CHURCH, MR. SMITH!--HOW YOU TALK!--WHEN YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT ODIOUS MISS JACKSON HAS NOT SENT HOME MY NEW BARÈGE DRESS!"]

_Small Foxhunter._ "HERE! STOP A BIT, MAJOR, HAVE ONE OF MINE! THE GOVERNOR'S AIN'T IN GOOD CONDITION--NOW I'VE HAD MINE FOR EVER SO MANY YEARS, AND THEY'RE SPLENDID!"]

_Boys._ "OH, AIN'T HE MOPS AND BROOMS, NEITHER!"

_Baker._ "WHY DON'T THEY TAKE HIM TO THE STATION?"

_Tender Female._ "HE'S ILL, POOR GENTLEMAN, HE SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL!"

_Cabby (contemptuously)._ "HILL! 'ORSEPITAL INDEED!--_I ONY WISH I'D GOT ARF HIS COMPLAINT!_"]

_Mary._ "WHY, TUMMAS, IT'S THE VERY MORAL OF YER!"

_Tummas._ "PRETTY THING, AIN'T IT? PITY THE YALLER OF THE UNIFORM COMES SO BLACK!"]

_Domestic._ "BOTHER MISSUS. SHE WEARS IT HERSELF, AND I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULDN'T."]

"NOW, TOM," SAID YOUNG JOE WAGLEY, "ONE OF US OUGHT TO GO ON THIS SIDE OF THE HEDGE, AND ONE ON THE OTHER; SO I'LL TAKE THIS, IF YOU WILL GET OVER THE STILE."--"OH, YES," REPLIED TOM; "BUT HOW ABOUT THE BULL?"]

_Piscator._ "FOLLOW HIM UP! IT'S ALL VERY WELL TO SAY FOLLOW HIM UP!"]

_Gertrude._ "BUT, MY DEAR ARTHUR, HOW CAME YOU TO GET SUCH A 'CROPPER,' AS YOU CALL IT?"

_Arthur._ "WELL! IT WAS JUST THE LITTLE BIT OF A PLACE WHERE A FELLOW DOES GET SPILT SOMETIMES--THERE WAS A DITCH ABOUT A COUPLE OF YARDS WIDE, AND THEN A HIGHISH BANK, YOU KNOW, WITH A STIFFISH QUICKSET ON THE TOP--AND A NASTYISH POST AND RAILS JUST BEYOND--AND THEN ANOTHER WIDISH SORT OF A DITCH AND INTO A FIELD WHERE THEY HAD BEEN DRAINING--AND SO, YOU SEE, SOMEHOW OR OTHER, WE CAME TO GRIEF!"]

_Old Party (proprietor of nasty yapping Pet Dog)._ "OH, POLICEMAN! MY DARLING FLO JUST BIT THAT HORRID MAN'S LEG, AND HE HAS HIT HER WITH HIS CANE."]

AT A DINNER GIVEN BY MY LORD BRODACRES TO SOME OF HIS TENANTS, CURAÇOA IS HANDED IN A LIQUEUR-GLASS TO OLD TURNIPTOPS, WHO, SWALLOWING IT WITH MUCH RELISH, SAYS--"OI ZAY, YOUNG MAN! OI'LL TAK ZUM O' THAT IN A MOOG!"]

_Boy._ "PLEASE, SIR, TELL ME THE TIME."

_Crusty old Gent._ "YES, SIR--BED-TIME."]

_Gentleman._ "THERE, LOVE: DO YOU SEE THAT STEAMER?"

_Lady._ "OH, DISTINCTLY! THERE ARE TWO."]