Chapter IV: Part 4

"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.

"In the county jail."

"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's bad--very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."

* * *

Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side, declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet, lawyers as a class enjoy good health.

LEGERDEMAIN

"What did you do last night?"

"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and offered her my hand, and she slighted it."

LENT

"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.

"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty dollars for a new Easter bonnet."

LIARS

The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:

"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to come home to see her an' the children."

The colonel shook his head decisively.

"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk, and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until your term of service expires."

"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He saluted and went to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.

"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"

"Yes, certainly," the officer assented.

"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so to spake?"

"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."

"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim--I have no wife."

LIES

A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then, he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the following effect:

"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the forehead between the ears."

The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation. Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:

"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you the truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie, you are all wide-awake."

LIGHTNING

The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:

"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that feathers are splendid non-conductors."

LISP

The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:

"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"

"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes panth."

LITERAL

The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what was really in them. The star production from this command was a composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It ran as follows:

"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes and my dinner."

LITERALNESS

The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the village, and inquired:

"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"

"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."

LOGIC

The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.

"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.

"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.

"What about, little man?"

"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"

"Why, no! Of course not, dear."

The perplexity passed from the little boy's face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:

"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."

LOQUACITY

The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy surveyed the lie, and muttered:

"Dormie."

Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:

"Chatter-r-rbox!"

LOVE

The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love:

"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things after each other."

LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT

The little girl came in tears to her mother.

"God doesn't love me," she sobbed.

"Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come to get such an idea?"

"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him with a daisy."

LUCK

The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of the general cussedness of things:

"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the luck'd turn--it'd take a turn for the worse."

* * *

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.

"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"

* * *

The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as follows:

"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."

* * *

The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly.

"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned.

"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."

LUNACY

The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:

"Caught anything?"

The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.

"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.

"Three hours," was the answer.

The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:

"Come inside!"

LUXURY

The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:

"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say, 'Time for the parade, sir.'

"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep again."

LYING

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:

"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money."

"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."

* * *

The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon him the enormity of his offense.

"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who tell falsehoods?"

The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained carefully:

"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"

Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.

"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"

MAIDENS

"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.

"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men you're going to marry."

MAIDEN SPEECH

The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:

"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and began like this:

"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."

MANNERS

It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."

"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology; certainly, it is a complete explanation."

* * *

The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer for the cup.

"What about the saucer?" he asked.

The girl explained:

"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not, some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."

* * *

After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and, when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:

"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"

MARKSMANSHIP

During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.

"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.

"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."

"Whereabouts shot?"

"In the laig."

"_Some_ shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.

MARRIAGE

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

* * *

The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.

"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first meet this woman who has thus abused you?"

The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he replied:

"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook me."

* * *

An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:

_Wanted_
Small nicely furnished house, nice
locality, from August 1st, for
nearly married couple.

* * *

The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled, but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:

"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."

* * *

The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her colored cook.

"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends. But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."

"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully. "Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."

* * *

Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.

"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."

* * *

The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the dollar he had borrowed the week before.

"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"

"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never mind, since you are as mean as that."

* * *

The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood, rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate purpose:

"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' I ain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. A married man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife."

* * *

The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.

"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.

"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.

The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"

"I am!" she snapped.

"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:

"I pronounce you twain woman and husband."

* * *

A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl had left to be married.

"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.

The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:

"Oh, it's fine, ma'am--getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land's sake, ma'am," she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"

* * *

The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to the bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of the lady.

"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.

"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:

"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There ain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how."

* * *

The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week after the burial of his deceased helpmate.

"I'm feelin' right pert," he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore in years. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an' smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done her duty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn a cross word out o' her in all the thutty year we lived together. But dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I'm feelin' pretty peart."

* * *

There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired concerning it:

"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"

"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob de season."

"Did you receive handsome presents?"

"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts."

"And was your house nicely decorated?"

"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak a white-folks' weddin', yes'm."

"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"

"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridal dress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid."

"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"

"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show up at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"

MERIT

Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:

"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."

Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.

"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what does ye such credit."

MILITARY DISCIPLINE

The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention to him whatever.

"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.

The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or mebby the colonel himself." The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit. But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity.

"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold this pie while I present arms."

MISCELLANY

It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were discovered:

Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons, thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and seventeen pins, some grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven cuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum, fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, two switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which apparently had bitten each other.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:

"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"

* * *

The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that filled the whole car:

"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."

The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:

"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."

"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was speaking to my niece behind you."

* * *

The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street, and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her pursuer angrily:

"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"

The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:

"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella."

* * *

The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.

The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and muttered:

"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."

* * *

The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a special baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock in the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be brought to the church at that time.

The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speaking of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:

"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar, or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."

* * *

The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but the mother comforted her, saying:

"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."

A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the room.

"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"

* * *

The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some instructions:

"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me."

It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her origin, the child hesitated, and then said:

"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it."

* * *

The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to the family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the door by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having explained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of her guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers. Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay quiet.

MISMATED

A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man shouted:

"Here we come--darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"

MIXED METAPHORS

A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram in announcement of his mother's death:

"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the bucket."

MODESTY

A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London weekly wrote:

"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate people."

MONEY TALKS

The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the elderly gentleman replied benignantly:

"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."

The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.

"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't worth hearin'."

MONEY VALUE

A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents. In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:

"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."

MONOGAMY

The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:

"And you never let your husband beat you?"

"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to try such a thing!"

The oldest wife nodded understandingly.

"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."

MONOTONY

The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.

"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"

"Why, dear, do you want one?"

The child nodded seriously.

"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."

MORALITY

The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.

"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't any lawn-mower."

MOSQUITOES

The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat peeved.

"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."

"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."

* * *

A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before prohibition.

"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner nobody!"

MOTTO

Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:

"_Ici on parle français_."

"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the observers remarked.

To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.

One of the men addressed the barkeeper:

"_Fait beau temps, monsieur_."

The barkeeper scowled.

"Come agin!" he demanded.

It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the establishment.

The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window, explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."

The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.

"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"

MUSIC

Artemas Ward said:

"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."

* * *

The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided.

"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."

* * *

The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music. The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and presently she spoke eagerly:

"Oh, don't it sound grand!"

The young man nodded, and answered:

"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with their hind legs."

* * *

The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist: During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the performer, and whispered loudly:

"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"

* * *

The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed patron snorted, and then asked:

"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"

The leader bowed again and beamed.

"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."

"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of checkers while I finish my meal."

NEATNESS

The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance, which read:

"Please wipe your feet."

The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:

"On going out."

NEIGHBORS

It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the eminent basso to sing.

"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your neighbors."

"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our dog last week."

NERVES

The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly tucked in, the little one commented:

"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."

NIGHTMARE

"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor inquired. "What is it?"

The suffering man answered:

"I dream that I'm married."

"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"

"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a nightmare."

The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.

NOMENCLATURE

The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:

"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop, an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"

* * *

When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded her critically, and then demanded:

"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"

"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds stripped for 'gym.'"

The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:

"Who in thunder is Jim?"

* * *

On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence, and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this observation:

"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have often wondered--what are Keats!"

* * *

During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him after the following episode.

A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:

"Where are your sideboards?"

The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:

"Why--er--I shaved them off last week."

* * *

The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the earthquake.

"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed, everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"

* * *

One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.

"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so, the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian anyhow?"

"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."

* * *

A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.

"What? Never heard of _Tom Sawyer_?"

"Nope, never heard of him."

"Nor _Huck Finn_?"

"Nope, never heard of him neither."

"Nor _Puddin'head Wilson_?"

"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."

And then he added sadly:

"An' that's all the good it done me."

* * *

The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he was uncertain as to just what he was:

"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man, he says I'm the sacrilege."

OBSTINACY

The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his head.

"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.

"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."

The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance when the wife inquired slyly:

"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"

The old man shook his head more violently than before.

"She'll never stop," he asserted; "she'll never stop!"

OMEN

The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.

"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."

OPTICAL ILLUSION

The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:

"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"

"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly surprised.

"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason why."

"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I must have shaved somebody else."

OPTIMISM

The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus, after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a fellow laborer:

"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."

Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:

"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my teeth at home, too."

* * *

The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed the fourth story, he was overheard muttering:

"So far, so good!"

ORIENTATION

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his servant:

"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off--I heard it splash!"

Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.

"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"

"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me--here I am." Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."

Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.

"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.

Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the tail:

"It waur the horse's head as fell off--nothin' left but the mane!"

"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae something to hold on."

So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird shouted in dismay:

"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"

OUTWORN

Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional information:

"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"

PARADOX

The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the church along with the crowd that had attended the services:

"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush at the doors."

* * *

Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in the morning while the two men were dressing.

"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.

"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin' and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."

"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me? Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"

PASTORAL

Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as compiled by a young curate:

"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27 were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47 times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia, 37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104 times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times; started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2 times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49; expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."

PATRIOTISM

The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:

"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"

* * *

There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the schoolboy who is the hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an examination in general history, he was asked:

"Who was the first man?"

He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:

"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts----"

But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:

"Wrong! Adam was the first man."

The boy sniffed disgustedly.

"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."

* * *

The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.

"Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you can kick _me_!"

PEACE

The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:

"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."

PEACEMAKER

The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your brains out!"

"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I stepped in between them."

Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he burst forth:

"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"

PENSION

The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. 98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due to the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.

This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the alleged kick of a vicious horse."

The reply came promptly:

"My leg!"

PESSIMISM

The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a discouraged tone:

"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next day Wednesday--the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"

* * *

The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry concerning his health.

"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I have to turn and come back."

* * *

The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:

"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo, and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"

"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."

PHILANTHROPY

"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.

"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry.

"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when times are so hard."

PHONETICS

Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness:

"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"

"Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?"

"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"

"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam. Why?"

"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam head off."

PHYSIOLOGY

The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:

"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."

PLAIN SPEAKING

The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in service.

"You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all told?"

"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told eggzactly what I thought of them."

PLAYING POSSUM

"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de 'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywog done did? Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he was a polecat!"

PLUMBER

The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook, and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:

"Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies."

The plumber snorted indignantly.

"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"

POETRY

The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the petition calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to verse every day."

POINT OF VIEW

A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:

"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never invited you to eat at his table."

"No, suh, dat he didn't," replied the old darky. "My master was a genl'man. He never let no nigger set at table 'long side o' him."

* * *

The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:

"Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"

The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:

"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."

POKER

Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.

"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.

The Yankee did not hesitate.

"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up four tons."

POLITENESS

The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:

"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"

"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.

"Please call her then," the fat man requested.

* * *

Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal, was carefully admonished by his mother to remember his manners, and to speak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded the instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarrassment.

After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could contrive:

"This is pretty good soup--what there is of it."

He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on the face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort to correct any bad impression from his previous speech:

"And there's plenty of it--such as it is."

* * *

On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was offered him.

Johnnie shook his head seriously.

"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."

* * *

The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction by the class, the following sentence:

"The horse and cow is in the pasture."

A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:

"Please, sir, ladies should come first."

* * *

The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before him:

"You must excuse my not giving you my seat--I'm a member of the Sit Still Club."

"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring--I belong to the Stand and Stare Club."

She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.

"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."

POLITICS

The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a petition.

"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."

The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook his head.

"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."

POPULATION

Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to the population of the city.