Chapter VI: Part 6

A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was doing there.

The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his stomach as he explained:

"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take to eatin' grass."

"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right into the back yard--the grass there is longer."

TACT

The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.

"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."

His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.

"What do you mean?" she demanded.

The senator explained suavely:

"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here are to be found in one."

TALKING MACHINE

Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper:

"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of tongues."

TAR AND FEATHERS

The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the other.

"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon came down."

TASTE

A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question was:

"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"

"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice--once when it went down, and once when it came up."

* * *

It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow.

* * *

The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her husband.

"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we poisoned for the rats?"

TEARS

The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument:

"You know it makes little girls homely."

The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then remarked:

"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."

TENDER MEMORIES

"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where shingles were first used?"

"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd rather not."

TERMINOLOGY

When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water for shaving in the morning.

"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?' then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"

The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:

"It's the Lord, my boy!"

The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord. Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the dish to the prelate, and faltered:

"My God, will you have some cheese?"

* * *

The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:

"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"

"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin', sor, it's likely they're in the wash."

TESTIMONY

Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.

"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.

"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'

"'They are,' I replied.

"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"

* * *

The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the patent medicine:

"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"

* * *

In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.

"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he had been told:

"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized country to come and live in this lonesomeness."

"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like it down there any more. You see, it was this way. They got to telling things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima, I jest pulled out and went right away from them scandalous folks."

"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove what they said."

The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:

"That's jest the trouble--they did prove it!"

THREAT

The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand:

"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."

THRIFT

A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:

"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."

"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."

* * *

The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.

"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so, and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."

TIME FLIES

The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth passionately:

"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"

"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."

TIT FOR TAT

The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer.

"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat him off, without killing him?"

"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the other end."

TOBACCO

The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:

"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins--ninety-eight year old!" The visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable citizens attributed their long life.

"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah declares its all along o' his chewin' an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."

TOILETTE DETAILS

The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.

"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.

"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously. "I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."

TONGUE

An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others. As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the shorn remnants to the minister.

"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."

"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"

"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I should like to see it shorter."

"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it? See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."

"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."

TREACHERY

The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's trousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriek over his shoulder:

"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"

TREASURE TROVE

An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.

"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"

The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his toothless gums in a grin, as he answered:

"An' a great git you got!"

TRIAL

The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:

"Are you guilty, or not guilty?"

The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he said:

"Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver in dis-yere trial?"

TRIPLETS

When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a number of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undid some wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father stared reproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his group of children, spoke earnestly:

"Oi'm not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home at twelve!"

TRUTH-TELLERS

The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women are liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue between her and her mother when she had been caught in a fib:

_Mother:_ "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so, never go to heaven."

_Kitty:_ "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"

_Mother:_ "No, dear--never."

_Kitty:_ "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only George Washington?"

TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR

The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent enough, for his concluding sentence was:

"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable."

But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbed by the proofreader, so that the published statement ran:

"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable."

* * *

The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb:

"See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire."

The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem was published, this line read:

"See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire."

* * *

The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:

"The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts to perfection."

The compositor, in his haste, read an _n_ for the _r_ in the word _parts_, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance, duly appeared in the morning paper.

VALUES

An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in his grief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted by his terse optimistic comment:

"But it's a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn't the cow."

Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.

VANITY

The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking herself beautiful.

"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.

"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to be mistaken is not to sin."

VICTORY

That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts. When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the museum, and his guide had explained that this was the famous statue of victory, he surveyed the marble form with keen interest.

"Victory, is ut?" he said, "Thin, begorra, Oi'd loike to see the other fellow."

WAR

A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings of three revolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch, which was the property of an American spinster and her two nieces. The girls are pretty and charming, but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded, though evidently of a dauntless spirit. The three soldiers looked over the property and the three women, and then declared that they were tired of fighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on the ranch.

The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in their misery they were unselfish.

"We are but two helpless women," they said in effect, "and if we must, we bow to our cruel fate. But please--oh, please--spare our dear auntie. Do not marry her."

At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:

"Now, now, you girls--you mind your own business. War is war."

* * *

"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, looking up from his book.

"For various reasons," explained the father. "Now, there was Germany and Russia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized."

"Not at all, my dear," the wife interrupted. "It was because the Austrians--"

"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose I know?"

"Certainly not--you are all wrong. It was because--"

"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because--"

"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled--"

"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter."

"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus."

"Don't you dare, you impudent--"

"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll--"

"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now how wars begin."

* * *

At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and before setting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls. The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:

"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid old trenches!"

"Every minute," he agreed solemnly.

"And you'll kiss my picture every night."

"Twice a night," he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulder of the new uniform coat.

"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded.

"I'll write every spare minute," he assured her, "and if I haven't any spare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow."

After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he went away from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on ten separate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it was all done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly.

"I do hope," he said wearily, "there won't be much fighting to do over there--for I'm going to be awfully busy."

WEATHER

The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for addressing the judge:

"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"

And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news in particular.

But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:

"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:

"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."

WHALES

At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change.

"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"

WHISKERS

An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era of prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only too common in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in other things and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, it encountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to a realization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed a shave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for a mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backed hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his face with the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groaned and muttered:

"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"

WIDOW

One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she had just attended:

"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the altar, every light in the church went out."

The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.

"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.

"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."

* * *

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced the deceased husband for a domestic chat.

"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"

"I am very happy," the spook assured her.

"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly impressed.

"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with you."

"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in heaven?"

"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"

WIDOWHOOD

During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man in the crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm, quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up.

"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buried two husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too."

WIFE

A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with the question:

"Who was Cain's wife?"

The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:

"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of warning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too much inquiring after other men's wives."

WILD WOMEN

The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his patience, he began.

"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I came across a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues."

"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they couldn't talk."

"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."

WISDOM

It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man mashes his thumb.

WOMAN

A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God, asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.

* * *

The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived in the eighteenth century:

"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"

"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of critter'."

* * *

The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:

"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took out his brains, and made a woman of them."

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:

"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting place, and there cast your vote along with his?"

The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:

"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do by himself, let him do it."

* * * * *

The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous contributor

+ A. C.

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one."

* * *

"That's Betty Grant's new maid."

"She's much smarter than her mistress."

"Well, they can't _both_ afford to dress like that."

* * *

_Father:_ "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for years!"

_Hopeful:_ "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."

* * *

_Betty_ (_after flash of lightning_): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can."

* * *

_Employer:_ "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."

_Boy:_ "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."

* * *

_Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, how _did_ you break that vase?"

_Maid:_ "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."

* * *

_Little Girl_ (_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom _must_ come to his wedding."

* * *

_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."

_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."

* * *

_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green lights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."

_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"

_R. H.:_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."

* * *

"Can you play bridge to-night?"

"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."

"What--do you like the stuff?"

"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very much better than it sounds."

* * *

_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"

_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you."

* * *

_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week."

_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?"

* * *

_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."

* * *

_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?"

_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."

* * *

_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamed of yourself?"

_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I am."

* * *

A CONSOLING THOUGHT

_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."

* * *

LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES

_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?"

_Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this worm to my hen."

_Mother:_ "Then why don't you?"

_Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm won't like it."

* * *

"Does God make lions, Mother?"

"Yes, dear."

"But isn't he frightened to?"

* * *

"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"

* * *

_Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones_ (_who is gazing at an aeroplane_): "My word! I shouldn't care for one of _them_ flying things to settle on me."

* * *

_The Woman:_ "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a picture of a girl with them on."

_The Man:_ "What appalling rot! Er--after you with the paper."

* * *

_Small Invalid_ (_to visitor_): "I've had a lot of diseases in my time--measles--whooping-cough--influenza--tonsilitis--but (_modestly_) I haven't had dropsy yet."

* * *

THE SERVANT PROBLEM

_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----"

_Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!"

_Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----"

_Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!"

_Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in whose service you are engaged?"

_Applicant:_ "Clients, Madam."

* * *

_Small Girl:_ "I wonder how old Joan is?"

_Small Boy:_ "I bet she won't see four again."

* * *

_Mother:_ "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"

_Mary_ (_demurely_): "Yes, Mummy."

_Mother:_ "And did you enjoy it?"

_Mary:_ "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (_very demurely_) _I struggled_."

* * *

"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."

"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."

"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."

* * *

_Applicant for Situation:_ "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"

* * *

TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR

"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."

* * *

"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"

"Well, usually in a sweater."

* * *

_Small Boy_ (_walking round links with his father_): "Daddy, here's a ball for you."

_Father:_ "Where did you get that from?"

_Small Boy:_ "It's a lost ball, Daddy."

_Father:_ "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"

_Small Boy:_ "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."

* * *

_Small Boy_ (_toying with dull blanc-mange_): "Please may I have an ice instead of finishing this--'cos I feel sick?"

* * *

THE NEW APPRECIATION

_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?"

* * *

_Lady:_ "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."

_Author_ (_delighted_): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"

_Lady:_ "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."

* * *

_Employer_ (_inspecting a very inflated bill for work_): "Look here--how did you get at this amount?"

_Odd Jobs Man:_ "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time."

_Employer:_ "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by eternity."

* * *

_Tourist:_ "Have you any cold meat?"

_Waiter:_ "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."

* * *

_Lady:_ "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch to-day?"

_Cook:_ "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions. You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so red."

* * *

_Small Boy_ (_on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be married_): "Oh! (_long pause_) and what did your husband say when he engaged you?"

* * *

_Master:_ "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"

_Butler:_ "Well, Sir, _I don't want my name to die out_."

* * *

_Artist_ (_in desperation_): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."

_The Visitor:_ "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the price of the catalogue?"

* * *

"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"

"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't like her most."

* * *

"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath stops overflowing through his ceiling?"

* * *

_Old Lady_ (_interrogating her chauffeur's small boy_): "Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?"

_Small Boy:_ "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's car."

* * *

_Parent:_ "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not always 'fair.'"

_Young Hopeful:_ "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."

* * *

_Optimist:_ "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."

_Pessimist:_ "No, but they seem so."

* * *

OUR MODERN INFANT

_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"

_Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you up."

* * *

_Little Girl_ (_to Bride at wedding reception_): "You don't look nearly as tired as I should have thought."

_Bride:_ "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"

_Little Girl:_ "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."

* * *

A SUBTLE DISTINCTION

"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."

"Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning, you know."

* * *

_Specialist_ (_to patient suffering from insomnia_): "And did you try my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"

_Patient:_ "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."

* * *

_Neighbor_ (_bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast_): "You're wanted at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off yer income-tax."

* * *

_Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves_): "Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my sweets so hairy."

* * *

_Lady_ (_to applicant for situation as cook_): "Have you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you?"

_Cook:_ "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I have had colleagues."

* * *

_Father:_ "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning about your fight with his boy yesterday."

_Son:_ "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."

* * *

_Artist_ (_condescendingly_): "I did this last summer. It really isn't much good."

_Candid Friend:_ "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"

* * *

BLUE BLOOD

_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"

_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."

* * *

_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we all getting married?"

* * *

_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."

_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married _years_ ago."

* * *

"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."

* * *

_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"

_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."

_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married again this afternoon."

* * *

_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren't in the habit of attending church."

_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's Sundays."

* * *

"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."

"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"

* * *

_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."

_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near broke me jaw already."

* * *

_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."

_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"

* * *

_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"

_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."

* * *

_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"

_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."

_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."

* * *

_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."

_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."

* * *

_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _éclair?_"

_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."

_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"

_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make the space at the wrong end."

* * *

_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."

_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"

_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the author's compliments.'"

* * *

THE OBSTACLE

_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said."

_Fred:_ "What did she say?"

_George:_ "No!"

* * *

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening."

_He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."

_She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while."

* * *

"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you mind taking a cheque for the tip?"

* * *

A CHANCE LOST

"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"

"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said _which_ one."

* * *

_He:_ "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an actress."

_She:_ "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches."

* * *

DURING THE QUARREL

_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----"

_She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it."

* * *

CONDITIONAL

_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."

_Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back."

* * *

JUST IGNORANCE

_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."

_She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about _love_?"

* * *

ALL IN ONE BREATH

_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are _you_ going to buy him?"

* * *

A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER

"Mamma!"

"What is it, dear?"

"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to."

* * *

FEMININITY

_Julia:_ "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."

_Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."

* * *

GETTING EVEN

_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear."

_Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to."

* * *

A SOOTHING EFFECT

"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"

"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."

* * *

IN THAT CASE

_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water."

_He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty."

* * *

A QUALIFIED STATEMENT

"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?"

"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."

* * *

_The Count:_ "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one hundred thousand dollaire."

_The Millionaire:_ "But I thought you were a bankrupt."

_The Count:_ "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch _to you_."

* * *

"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"

"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."

* * *

_Mother_ (_to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs_): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?"

_Little Girl:_ "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."

* * *

"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is short, isn't he?"

_He_ (_absently_): "Yes, usually."

* * *

_Urchin_ (_contemptuously_): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"

_Neighbor:_ "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"

* * *

HIS SPHERE

"His versatility is something extraordinary."

"I had an idea he was rather stupid."

"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself."

* * *

_Poetic Bridegroom:_ "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the ocean."

_Practical Bride:_ "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our laundry bill yet."

* * *

A LOVERS' QUARREL

_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"

_Kate:_ "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about."

* * *

A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY

_Elsie:_ "When is my birthday, Mother?"

_Her Mother:_ "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."

_Elsie:_ "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?"

* * *

GETTING RECKLESS

_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better."

_He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?"

* * *

"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different from other girls."

"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."

* * *

RETROACTIVE

"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."

"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself."

* * *

_Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"

_Teacher:_ "No--you're not."

* * *

APOLOGIZING

"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"

"Yes! I am."

"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you."

* * *

DENIED THE PRIVILEGE

_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"

_The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."

_The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"

* * *

A GOOD PLAN

_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?"

"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."

* * *

ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN

_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?"

_Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."

* * *

FAMILIARITY, ETC.

"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"

"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except intimate friends."

* * *

REASSURING

_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"

_He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it."

* * *

HOW IT HAPPENED

"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago."

"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm."

* * *

A LINGUIST

"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."

"In what way?"

"She can keep silence in four different languages."

* * *

THE DIFFERENCE

_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged."

_He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"

_She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."

* * *

THE ROAD TO----, ETC.

"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions."

"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world."

* * *

CLASSIFIED

_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat."

_Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"

* * *

A SOLUTION

_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened."

_The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?"

* * *

ENCOURAGING

_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?"

_She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast."

* * *

AN ALIAS

_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!"

* * *

_Lady_ (_to prospective daily housemaid_): "The hours will be from nine to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."

_D. H.:_ "For _luncheon_, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."

* * *

CHANGING PLACES

"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."

"She has evidently reversed the order of things."

"How so?"

"_She_ does the dictating now."

* * *

ECONOMY

_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points."

_Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."

* * *

_Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a few magazines to help pass away the time."

* * *

_Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the cakes_): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"

_John:_ "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"

* * *

_Mr. Househunter:_ "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day. The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."

_Mrs. Househunter:_ "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither very wide nor very high."

* * *

QUALIFIED

_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"

_The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is."

* * *

CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE

_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm."

_Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct."

* * *

FROM THE HEART

_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather."

_The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed."

* * *

_The Reporter:_ "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"

_Sledge-hammer Mike:_ "De solar plexus."

_The Reporter:_ "And er--if you get beaten, what will your--er--weak spot have been?"

* * *

AN ARGUMENT

"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."

"Why do you say so?"

"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."

* * *

THE SECRET

_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot."

_The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot."

* * *

WANTS HER RIGHTS

_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest teacher."

_She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, either."

* * *

"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be useful?"

"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's maid--not a useful maid."

* * *

GETTING BACK

_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?"

* * *

_Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send us our food?"

_Mother:_ "Yes, dear; of course He does."

_Betty:_ "But what a price!"

* * *

DURING VACATION

_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you."

_The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?"

* * *

NOT UNIQUE

_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."

_She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing."

* * *

A NOBLE AIM

_She:_ "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"

"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and everybody except the members."

* * *

ONCE TOO OFTEN

"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with an old comrade in arms."

"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"

* * *

"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."

"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut appears he thought worse av me."

* * *

CAUSE AND EFFECT

"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."

"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."

* * *

"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"

"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."

* * *

SYMPATHY

_Freddie_ (_aged six_): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?"

_His Mother:_ "Yes, dear! What of it?"

_Freddie:_ "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."

* * *

SLIGHTED

"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again."

"_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it a quarrel."

* * *

GOING FURTHER

_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her."

_Dora:_ "Getting even with her won't satisfy _me_. _I'm_ going to get _uneven_ with her."

* * *

GETTING ON

_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"

_Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones."

* * *

LITERALLY

_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."

_She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."

* * *

AN EXTENSIVE LOVE

_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."

_He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is."

* * *

CAUSE AND EFFECT

"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."

"Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect."

* * *

NO DISSENSION

_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?"

_Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully."

* * *

"Why are they not speaking?"

"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."

"Well!"

"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."

* * *

IN KEEPING

"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper."

"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."

* * *

HE KNEW

_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby."

_He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes."

* * *

ARRANGED TO FIT

_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up."

_Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."

_Elsie:_ "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."

* * *

PROBABLY

"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?"

"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."

* * *

SURE SIGNS

"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"

"Twins."

* * *

SUCH A WASTE

_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"

_Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."

* * *

TOO ONE-SIDED

"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget."

"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting."

* * *

DISCRETION