Chapter XXXIV

_Jonathan's Eccentricities.--The Arc de Triomphe not being
Hirable, an American proposes to Buy it.--The Town Council of
Paris do not Close with Him.--Cathedrals on Hire.--Companies
Insuring against Matrimonial Infidelity.--Harmony
Association.--Burial of a Leg.--Last Will and Testament of an
American who Means to be Absent on the Day of Judgment._

Jonathan measures everything by his own gigantic ell.

His notions are like the continent he inhabits: vast, almost boundless. He has done such wonders, that he feels equal to doing anything and everything.

The result is that America is the home of all forms of eccentricities, of all forms of daring. To the Americans themselves, this daring, these eccentricities are the most natural things in the world, and that is what makes their charm.

Jonathan considers that everything is to be had, it is but a question of will and of money. How much? So much--Done.

Parisians remember very well the American millionaire who, on the occasion of his daughter's marriage, wrote to the _Conseil Municipal_ to ask for the loan of the Arc de Triomphe, which he was anxious to decorate in honour of the wedding, and have the special use of during the day.

He was politely informed that the Arch was not _to let_.

"Then I will buy it," he replied; "name your price."

The offer was a royal one, and the American, I doubt not, thought the Town Council mad to let slip such a chance of doing business.

Jonathan would ask the Queen to lend him Windsor Castle for the season, if the fancy took him.

A Bostonian once conceived the idea of entertaining his friends with the performance of an oratorio. His drawing-room being much too small to hold the party he wished to invite, he thought of hiring a concert-room or a theatre for the night.

"But, no," he said to himself, "an oratorio would be much more impressive in a sacred edifice."

And he set about hiring the cathedral of the place.

Such things as these make us smile, and we say, "Those Americans are crazy." Certainly they are a little bit _touched_.

* * * * *

In America, the most preposterous ideas find partisans--and subscribers.

Thus, I saw in one of the most widely read American newspapers the announcement of a company recently founded, with a capital of 500,000 dollars, called:

"Matrimonial Infidelity Insurance Company."

The prospectus of this enterprise states its object and advantages with categorical clearness. Each sufferer, upon presenting proof, is to receive from the company a cheque as a sort of court-plaster to patch up his lacerated feelings. I would not advise you to put a penny in the concern. I have no confidence in the dividends of an enterprise which might some day have to pay a fabulous sum to a Mormon, whose twenty or thirty wives had taken it into their heads to desert in a batch.

The "Consoler" would be a good name for this company of insurance against the risks of marriage.

I also note the existence of a _Harmony Association_, the object of which is to examine men and women about to marry, and to give them Mr. Punch's advice, or to stamp the men warranted to wear and the women warranted to wash. No more frauds possible. Perhaps the association may presently undertake to furnish the certificate of the decease of the future mother-in-law.

* * * * *

As a specimen of small and harmless eccentricities, I extract the following from an American paper:

"Mrs. Margaret R., of New York, had her leg amputated the other day, and insisted upon its having Christian burial in her family lot in Calvary Cemetery. A death certificate was made out by the doctor, setting forth that the leg had died of amputation at the Chambers Street Hospital, November 29th, 1887; that it was fifty years old, married, and part mother of a family. The leg was buried with all due ceremony."

The thing being quite natural, the newspaper makes no comment upon it. It only supplies it with a good heading, something like _A Leg gone to Heaven in advance of its Owner_.

* * * * *

A certain Mr. Ambrose R., of Pittsburg, evidently intending to be a defaulter at the Last Judgment, has drawn up a will giving these directions for the disposal of his remains:

"I direct that my body be taken to St. Michael's Church, and, after the proper religious services are performed, that it be given in charge of my family, who will convey it to Samson's Crematory, and there have it burned to ashes, the ashes to be put in a small bottle and given in charge of the German Consul in Pittsburg. This gentleman will then forward my ashes to the Consul in New York, who will give them in charge of the captain of the German steamer _Elba_, who will place them securely in his ship for the ocean voyage. When at mid-ocean, I direct the captain to request one of the crew to ascend to the top of the topmost mast with my ashes in his hand, and, after pronouncing a last benediction, to extract the cork from the bottle and cast its contents to the four winds of heaven. I direct also, while this ceremony is being performed, that it be witnessed by all the passengers on board. After the _Elba_ has completed her trip and returned again to New York, I want a full statement of my death and the scattering of my ashes in mid-ocean published in the Pittsburg papers, so that my friends in this city shall know my burial-place."

This reminds me of Chateaubriand's ocean burial, but the sprinkling adds a touch of humour of which poor Chateaubriand was wholly destitute.