Chapter I: ANAZUMA—Japanese shave-proprietor (7)

At the Sunday school of which I am a membership to learn languages, etc., we there have Japanese Boy Temperance League which meet every Tuesday night for prohibition conversation. I attend to this meeting regularity, because free lemonade of delightful sourness is furnished free. Hon. Miss K. N. McGee, Christian lady of light-weight beauty, come there to teach us how to do so. She instruct us in the song-sing melody, “Cold Water is the Drunk for Me,” and explain about the various mocking qualities of wine. When she say “wine is mocker” do she mean about some wine which is imitation of some other brand? She does not answer to reply.

She say, “Mr. Togo, you must not drunk any drink however mild, because this lead to stronger and stronger yet till gray hairs to sorry grave.”

“Do water-drunking lead to lemonade drunking?” I require.

“Maybe so it might,” she otter.

“So thus, do lemonade-drunking result for soda-water thirsty?”

“Perhaps is,” she contradict.

“Then if, do soda-water collapse to ginger-ale tonic?”

“I signify it.”

“And this then: Might Japanese Boy what is raised by ginger-ale crave for beer-drunking from this?”

“I am dangerous to reply,” say this Hon. Miss McGee.

“So sorry to hear!” I terminate. “Because weak-drunk lead to strong-drunk, strong-drunk to powerful-drunk—and yet you say it! What for you teach Japanese Boy ‘Cold Water is the Drunk for Me’? Water lead to lemonade, lemonade to soda-water, soda-water to ginger-ale, ginger-ale to beer-glass—sakes of living! What to do with this thirsty?”

“Togo,” she commute, “you are too foolish to learn what of. This evening-time when lemonade is pass around you must avoid it because too tempting.”

I listen, and yet I will not do so.

* * * * *

The reason why I make disagreeable argument about the temperance is not because I do not believe it is good for all human animals. O no! It is most best blessing for those communities which desire to be cleanly and modern plumbing. But why should this hon. lady be so Christian in the way she say it? Can only Christians be prohibition? What about heathens like I am-so who do not care about wine-sip & beer-gulp? Must they accompany this quietness of thirst with song-sing about cold water? Answer is, No! Many heathens is very abstemperous of stomach. Many Christians is not. Many Christians when become filled up with alcohol feel obliged to make crimes including boastful talk which lead to murder of something. Will driving out of salooners in business do good for those bad persons? I hope to be.

To enquire about what will happen to salooners when drove out I go to Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who conduct saloon.

“Honourable sir,” I magnify, “if the legal laws of this San Francisco become prohibition, so sorry for you! What would you do with this saloon to make profitable wealth from it?”

“That is easy to reply,” say Hon. Strunsky. “I would turn it into a drug store.”

I am shuddering when I think of that deceptive man.

* * * * *

I have obtained a slight job of employment waiting on table-board of Fujiyama Restaurant, H. Sunigawa, Prop. This profession give me $2 weekly sum, also three times daily to eat it. As addition to money sum I receive $1 weekly from my cousin Nogi to help him do Japanese spy work. From this sum of $3 weekly pay I expend it away as following:

Schoolbooks which I can not borrow .55
Cigarettes & other dissipated joys .15
Shoe-strings & neckties .20
Contribution to church when necessary .05
Car-fare for Japanese ladies .45
Poker-playing & music .26
-----
Total of this $1.66

After this money has went you can count it, Mr. Editor. I have to keep $1.34 of weekly cash which I will save together for sufficient boat-fare to go back Japan. Maybe I will not go at that time—if so I will do something else and get married.

Of evening time I am frequent to attend lectures where I learn facts of intelligence very cheap. Last night I go to speech of Dr. O. Sumuchi, Japanese surgery, on subjeck of “Alcohol Inside of People.” Hon. Dr. Sumuchi had most beautiful lecture because of magic-lantern showing human stomach under surprised conditions. Following charts was showed during lecture:

No. 1.—Pink of colour. Exposure of stomach during calm moments
before alcohol has got there.

No. 2.—More red of colour. Exposure of stomach which enjoys
happy, smiling expression because alcohol have arrived.

No. 3.—Angry mix of colour. Exposure of this stomach when
alcohol have remain there too long for polite welcome. Stomach
now enjoy angry rage and desire to quit.

No. 4.—Colour of Scottish plaid. Exposure of stomach when
alcohol have continue to do so too late. I am sorry for this
stomach because it look so brilliant, yet feel so dull!

Dr. Sumuchi say so about that stomach when so fanciful from decoration of alcohol. He say, “Such stomach is so satisfied by alcohol it will burn up by striking match to it.”

“Persons enjoying such a stomachs must avoid swallowing matches,” is answer of Japanese Schoolboy.

This is translation from Japanese temperance legend:

Some time back in astronomy before the world got a very good start and homely giants of disgusting profile was employing timber-trees for tooth-pick, there reside in high top-mountain one bad Drink Dragon. Now when that there Drink Dragon got thirsted he was a very serious snake, thank you. When them giants would hear one grand roary-sound from mountain they would make considerable eye-wink and decry, “Hon. Dragon is enjoying trouble!”

One morning by daylight this great Worm made landslide down mountain in search of something with which to squelch his thirsty. Soon again he come to Hon. Ocean and snuggest, “Good morning, Mr. Ocean, I have came to drunk you up, please.”

Then Ocean laugh considerable joke. “This is pretty wrong place for thirsty Snake to come for gobbly rejoicing. I am great Prohibition Wave. Nothing to do, Hon. Serpent!”

Then this Drink Dragon throw fire-engine sparks from his gills making earthquake and he go at that Hon. Ocean to devour it up. And Ocean, with cyclone of storms, rise up on back legs to meet Hon. Dragon. One, two! they arrive together! Such mixing of destruction, such powerful struggly! Ocean make hiss on red-hot steam-pipe of Dragon and this Serpent make hot stew of Ocean. O great jiu jitsu! First Snake push Ocean to moon, then Ocean drag Dragon to North Pole. But finally, when both is tired out, Dragon say, “Excuse it, Mr. Ocean, while I scratch my eyebrow.” And while Dragon was doing that peaceful act, Hon. Ocean took mean advantage and gollup Dragon to deep-down bottom. But he was not dead. Oh no, thank you, Snakes is not slewed with this quickness of speed. Ninety-nine thousand years relapse and Dragon swim up, one day, on wave of temperance. And this time he is called Sea Serpent and is permitted to remain, please.

Moral for this tale is thus:

Water-Wave can not drowned Drink Dragon, but it can cause very unhappy feelings for that brutal beast, thank you.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XXXIII

THE SALOON IN OUR TOWN

SAN FRANCISCO, October 28th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper who offer prize to letter-writer
what can tell storey of best Drunk and can prove it._

HON. DEAR—In our town resides many Saloons; and when you have saw them all you will be surprise to find there is several more just around corner. Many of them Saloons can be told apart by looking at them. Some of them is paint bright & goddy colour of a ottomobiles with screeches at doors where they are red & purpal. Drunkerds what see that mad-coloured outside must go inside & forget it. And when they are inside they must stay there long time for nervus collapse. When they are inside they can’t not see the outside—and in such a state who knows what?

Other Saloons is managed with entire plate-glass and completely wooden polish all over it to make deceptive resemblance of First National Bank, so that refined drunkerds can go there with a stock-broke feeling. Such Saloons require a paying teller to do barkeeping and be pretty civilized, thank you. Them palaces is incomplete if they ain’t got over Hon. Bar a horbly artistick oily-paint pink portrait of Mrs. Venus the way she looked when Hon. Columbus discovered her. She got a hansom gilt frame around her and nothing else. All them portraits cost $10,000 apiece, because Hon. Barkeep say so.

All Saloons has got a phonograf with exception of Hotels which has a okestra. Americans which wishes to become drunk in silence must join a Club. Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, make his phonograf play “I Am Long about My Old Contucky Home” because he wish to serve sweetheart influences with his beer; but Hon. Sheehan on opp. corner make _his_ phonograf play “Happy Widow Waltz” and “We Won’t Go Home in the Darkness” because he-say drunkerds often gets stingy & reforms when they hears homesick musick. Hon. Strunsky say they drink to drown trouble, Hon. Sheehan say they drink to cause it. Both are good ways to know.

* * * * *

Tuesday Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, give me temporarial job of work to help persons get drunk by doing so. I am now not there as usual. But I learn how-do while I was. In salooning whisky-drunk are applied to them for price $.10 and beer-drunk for price $.05 eech goblet. Green persons unacquainted with salooning have suppose it would be cheaper for drink beer at $.05 for one long quench when whisky cost twict as much for 1 tinty small splatter of. But such is truthless. One (1) small jounce from whisky contain 2 or 3 times more vixen as a grown-up gobble full of beer. Howeverly, iced drunkerds perfers beer because of pleased trickle.

I are not permitted to sell it to them thirsts at Strunsky saloon, because I are not sufficiently intelligent; so I must rubb glaswares & mop to floor, also become attentive to Hon. Phonograf which require 68 wind-up with squeek about “Old Contucky Home” which please G. W. McCann, prominent Drunk, till he weep because it sound human. I am seriously worked to keep this job; and yet I am entirely educational about all intoxicants when doing so.

“There is some good salooners and some bad,” say letter-writer to newspaper. I have sneeked farly & wide with gum-slippers, but am disabled to find such a bad salooner. Whenever I speek uply to a salooner for question, “Are you such a bad salooner?” he answer for reply, “Ah, no! I are an entirely good kind.”

“Ain’t they no such things as Bad Salooners?” I ask Hon. Strunsky for queery.

“They _are_ some such,” he say for chased expression, “but they are horbly difficult to discover.”

Hon. Strunsky are a very nice variety of Good Salooner. He acknowledj it himself. G. W. McCann say Hon. Strunsky have a heart like a watermelon. I noticed it. It are large, but often deliciously iced. He are a sweet & liberal man to all persons what got sufficient cash-money to pay for it. When the poor calls to the bar of Strunsky for loan of money he seldom turn them off with empty grouch. The safe of Hon. Strunsky is full of watches, stuck-pins, repaired clothing, deed of house & lott, and other hardware what the poor has left as security. Them sweet salooner will never turn deaf eye to want & misery as long as want & misery will leave month’s wages at Hon. Bar. A kindy man are Hon. Strunsky.

This benefacting gentleman believe in keeping his saloon clean & full of home influences. He don’t not believe in no rye-bald scenes of debutchery around place. So when a coal-chuck become entire paralysis there, Hon. Strunsky remove remainder of wage from pockets of them unforchnate man & he are nex discovered in street. When U. S. marine sailor enjoy stab-cut in this Strunsky home his remainder are dragged quietly to a alley full of shadows so he will not die all over nice saw-dust floor.

Last Wednesday while Hon. Strunsky was elsewhere talking about it Hon. G. W. McCann, prominent drunkerd, come-me sneekretly with Standard Oil expression and request 1 free drink as a loving gift.

“Why you deserve such free gift?” is question for me.

“I are a large tank-line & therefore entitled to occasional rebates,” he betray.

So I give him considerable goblet of and interview him for temperance movement.

“Why do men drink alcohol?” are first question I make.

“Because they can not eat it,” are relapse for him.

“Do whisky-booz do harmful injry to interior when took in excess?” I repent.

“Suppose so,” smack he, “59 successive tumblers are sufficient for a strong man.”

“Are a moderate drunk good for persons?” next come out.

“O sure of!” he negotiate, “I can feel it doing so.”

“It are no true joy what leave a dark browny taste in morning,” I say for David Star Jordan expression.

“It are no true joy in the morning, but it are a very fine imitation of it the night before,” commute that sinny drunk.

“Hon. Horce, famous Roman writer, say-how whisky make poets sing,” is arrival for me.

“Suppose he are right,” say Hon. McCann. “I have often enjoyed singing in ears by early morning.”

I make note of this phenomenal.

“All saloons looks alike to me,” regret Hon. Drunk.

“So sad to hear!” I rake out. “Saloons is entirely different in appearance. Some is red, some pink, some plate-glassed by door to look like National-Bank—how you no tell difference?”

“We cross the bar at different places,” he report, “but we all come out in the same boat.”

“You regret downly path you took?” I ask it.

“I got no regret, thank you,” he reject. “With another drink I could beat the world.”

So he go home and beat his wife, as usual.

* * * * *

In night-time I burst soda-syfen to mirror of Strunsky saloon, so I decide to be a temperance Japanese & resign before discovery & kick. So I go back to my bedstead at Patriots of Japan Board & Lodging where I find O-Fido who make joy-signal to me by snubbed tail. He are merely a doggly pup who ain’t got no soul to skare with Demon Rums, etc. He ain’t go no ambition & are fond of milk. He imagine Hashimura Togo are Emperor of Japan, I suppose. I permit him to be decieved.

I remove off my shoes for comfert & took down book of Rubbert Burn, famous Scotch, for read it. I study them soft musick about “Flow gentle, sweet Afton”—and then I think how people say-so that he were most greatest Poet when most drunk. Maybe-so he were; but I never seen no drunks act that way around saloon of Hon. Strunsky.

When—of suddenly—come rap-tap at door. And inwards arrive Bunkio Saguchi, fly-away Japanese, with jaggly expression of one who has.

“I wish to give banzai to entire human race to include Nick, Zar of Russia, who are merely a mistake,” gollup Bunkio. “I wish to telegraf happy greet to all politicians in & out of office to include Col. Guffey, who——”

He make set-down to floor because he think it was a chair.

“You are in a toxic condition,” I dib frownly.

“Many persons are most intelligent when so,” he motter.

“Many persons are least so,” I flap back.

“General Grant, great leader, enjoyed spells of drunk,” say Bunkio for argument.

“Alexander the Great enjoyed allepeptick fits,” I smoke up, “yet every person what takes a spasm cannot conker new worlds.”

“Many a battles has been won by gin-wine,” rasp that jaggly boy.

“Battle of Mukden were not,” I dib. “In them battle Japanese was full of banzai, Russians was full of vodka. To-morrow when you are calm some brite Japanese Schoolboy will told you who won them famous target-practice.”

I put him in my bedstead & tock under covers for wet towel on brow. Soonly he enjoy tear-drop of eye & say he was cris-crossed in love; then he make good-night for eye-brows.

Me & O-Fido go take walk & forget such scenery. At Oisoya Hotel, Pine St. near Kerney, I see several Japanese Schoolboys doing a conversation.

“To-night I are a Aunty Saloon Leg,” I say-it by virtuous chest. “But to-morrow I may feel better & enjoy slight beer ceremony.”

“Would America be more better without no saloons?” require Uncle Nichi who was there.

“Perhapsly,” I snuggest. “Hon. Rev. Chillworthy say, ‘If there was no Drunks there wouldn’t be no Murders.’”

“Occasional Murders makes life briter,” reflact Cousin Nogi.

“If there was no saloons there would be no crime,” say Arthur Kickahajama.

“There would also be no fun,” say Sydney Katsu, jr.

“There would be no poverty,” say Frank the Japanned Boot-polish.

“There would be no trusts,” say I. Anazuma.

“There would be no enthusiasm,” say Sago Jokai.

“There would be no insane asylums,” say Albert Sudekachi.

“There would be no Poets,” say Hashimura Togo.

If the saloon must go, Mr. Editor, see that it are put away in some convenient place. I ask it.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XXXIV

ELECTION DAY

SAN FRANCISCO, November 1st.

_To Editor New York Newspaper who have been frequently
nominated to be President by loving Japanese subscribers; but
he must refuse such jobs, thank you, because too busy with
ink-pen—and he would rather write than be President._

HON. MR. SIR—Election Day are now within short gasp of here & all Japanese Schoolboys of my acquaintanceship are running back and forthly. Symptoms of tense patriotism for them. I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, have pasted in window-pain of his shave store 2 portraits of fat & famous Americans. On one portrait he have wrote following description in Japanese:

HON. WM. JENNY BRYAN
_He Will Deliver the Nation out of Peril_

On other fat portrait he have wrote:

HON. WM. H. TAFT
_He Will Deliver the Goods out of Kindness_

I were a-standing by sidewalk making eye-glances at them 2 sweet portraits & choosing which to vote for (if Yellow Peril could do so, thank you) when uply come Arthur Kickahajama with sad-dogged expression of dizzy heart.

“Hashimura Togo,” he unpack, “why you gaz at them 2 Presidents with rapture of ears?”

“Soon one will be elected,” I apply, “& then troubles of this Kingdom will be all over.”

“Over!!” dib Arthur Kickahajama for shreech. “Over!!!” He make thrills of knuckles which are sure symbol of allepeptick fits.

Then he drag from interior pocket of coat some rippings from newspaper-press which he read me with hearse voice. From _Daily Hoot_, violently conservative Republican paper, he read as following:

“‘If Bryan are elected ruin will be enjoyed everywheres. Heaven
are expected to fall any minute. Corn will refuse to grow in
Kansas & National Guard will be called out to make it do so. In
South niggers will be darker & more lynched. Hens will neglect
to surrender their eggs. America will be considerably cursed.
Election of Hon. Bryan should be cause of great national
funeral.’”

“So glad to hear this in time,” I riggle. “Therefore I shall vote for Hon. Taft if I could.”

Arthur for glum read following editorial from _Daily Riot_, seriously Democratick hand-organ:

“‘If Taft are elected America will quit. Common People will
be scrunched by drowntroddery. Truth will also receive
hourly chops by ax. Kings will appear everywheres riding in
automobiles. Daily excursions to Siberia will be enjoyed by
masses. Groans. Right of free speeches will be denied to Henry
Watterson & bloodshed must therefore ensue. Patriots will grunt
with deranged hair. Election of Hon. Taft should be cause of
great national mourning,’”

“So sad!” say Arthur, “America must therefore go to complete doggly smitthrine on date of Nov. 3.”

“Are they no way to escape this?” I alarm with face.

“Only one,” commute Arthur. “Perhapsly Bluejean V. Debs might be elected by mistake.”

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, I go way from Arthur full of damp thoughts about Election Day. I go to grassy yard of Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds complete gentleness, and there I work my job assisting shrubbage to grow for $1.25 weekly payment. My dog O-Fido company me there & are entirely useless, as usual. While I are to work soothing her lawn with rakes I are continually thinking for selfish brain: “If I merely had 1 day lie-off from work I might do something to save America.” So I wish I could & O-Fido agree with snubbed tail.

Soonly come Mrs. Lusy Macdonald in dainty pink rapper which look like 3 queens. Angelick expressions for her.

“Togo,” she say-it, “have you got a ill to look so languish?”

“O! sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this morning, thank you,” are complain from me. “Could I not obtain a lie-off from Work, thanks so much, please?”

“Why so you require such a lie-off?” are burst from her.

“With sufficient leisure I might save America,” I mention.

“Such worthy thought!” she relish. “Therefore you are permitted 1 day lie-off from rakish labours on lawn.”

I make back-away with humbel bows. O-Fido do somewhat simlar. When we arrive to gate-post Mrs. Lusy Macdonald exclaim for sweetness:

“How you shall spent this day of idle enjoyment, please?”

“I shall spent it in worrying about the ruin of America which should occur on Nov. 3,” are fuss I make & do a vanish. O-Fido do same way.

So I go to street corner & set on water-plog to enjoy sorrow without interrupt. O-Fido devote time smelling rats which is not there under pavement.

Near off by lamp-post I see several carpenter-mans at work in middle of street a-building 1 tiny house of delicious sheet-iron. It were a awful temporary-looking struxure of 6 × 10 architexure.

Pretty soonly long come one Hon. Police, by name Paul Smutz, who get my affection by arrest of Bunkio Saguchi for gin-drunk. I are a proud acquaintanceship to this hero.

“Such oddy house!” I say-it with points to place what them carpenter-mans was a-building. “What you call such a cabin in American language?”

“That house,” say Hon. Police, “are called a Pole.”

“It do not look like a Pole in appearance,” I otter. “To Japanese Schoolboy it look more like a penitentiary for white rabbits.”

“So wicked thought!” say Hon. Police with buttons. “That tiny house to which you now look at are Palladium of American Liberty.”

“What do Americans do in such a Palladium?” are next question for me.

“They votes for Presidents,” ollicute Hon. Smutz with helmet.

“So happy!” I say-it. “In them tiny doll-cabins Presidents is manufactured by ballet-box every 4 years! Were Pres. Roosevelt made in a little tin cottage like that?”

“Absolutely similar,” snuggest that coply man.

“I are surprised he did not burst it!” are notation for me.

Silences by Hon. Police. Waggish signals by O-Fido.

“How could Hon. Taft be accommodated in such a toy temple?” are intelligent query I make.

“Fat candidates gets slim votes in some districts,” complain he.

“What makes Americans more freer than any other kingdom?” I ask-it because Hon. Smutz are not yet savage.

“Americans is more freer because they are permitted to vote,” compute them official.

“So happy Americans!” I snagger. “How free they should all feel going to Pole on Nov. 3 eech with a ballet in his hand to vote it!”

“They should, but do they?” revoke he with club. “Many Americans make long journeys on Election Day to escape that Palladium of Liberty.”

“Could they feel free without that sweet privelage?” I require.

“They feel most free when they forget it,” he dub. “I prove this by following tabloid statistick:

“1—Out of eech 3 Americans only 1 Registers.

“2—Out of eech 3 who Registers only 1 Votes.

“3—Out of eech 3 who Votes only 1 cares who is Elected.”

“How shocky!” I gasp. “By such sinful statistick America must be going to doggly bow-wow!” (Howels from O-Fido.)

“Can not some patriots do something to make more votes for Election Day?” are next queery I ask.

“Many of them do,” say he. “Many persons votes 5 or 6 times eech election to make fatter ballet-box.”

“Such noble patriots should receive at least 1 Carnegie meddle,” I lapse.

“They should, but do they?” are repose he say. “There will be much gladness of rejoicing shot off in this Hon. City for Election Night,” he add for information.

“I read by newspaper this morning how Election of either Candidates would be cause for great national mourning,” I reckon.

“You read the wrong paper,” say Hon. Smutz. “When announcement of new President are made entire lid will be removed from America & 4th of July will shoot through. What patriots are not already in saloons will be tied together in magnificent blockade on streets mixed with brass bands, tin-horning, full dinner-pails, Glad-It’s-Over Marching Clubs, automobile axidents & other demonstrations of peaceful banzai. Musick-waggons will ocasionally sonter by with all office-seekers trying to get on at once. Maddy yalls from crowd when eech newspaper bulletin-board announce that another doubtful State has gone Republickan, as usual. Rockets. Occasional fights to make everybody completely cheerful. Fire-engines go by to some joyful blaze. Telegrams arrive. Romp-girls dance along with tickle feathers. Then O!! Portrait of Future President are flashy to screen. Bells go off confused by whissles & drumcore exploded by throats of 1,000,000 yalling Americans.”

“And what next?” I enquire patiently.

“Following this,” say Hon. Paul Smutz, heroic Police, “following this are complete silence for 4 years.”

And he depart off to catch an excessive automobile what done a crime.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, it will require more than explosions to awake Hon. Washington from sweet sleep which will go on for next 4 years. When Associated Press hears slight shock along Patomac it will not be sounds of unrest—it will be merely snores from happy Congressmen. By time this loving letter are there in your post-office, White House furniture are already preparing to be sat on by another kind of Person. Perhapsly he will be a bigger man, but I bet my bootware he will not cover so many places at once. In Executive Offices a new Voice will kind of quiver & flitter through corridors which is used to being cracked by a Real Racket. In Aunty Room outside will set distinguished statesmans in awful neat rows with eyebrows full of Thought and nothing else. Gentleman inside may say, “Prevaricatorius ugly lyre!” now & then, but sound of this curse will be less hearty than of yore-time.

And in that Crowd Outside following sweet faces will be missing:

1—Shaggy Pete, Louisiana guide.

2—Harvard football captain.

3—Mrs. O’Rafferty, mother of 6 twins.

4—Rev. Lyman Abbott.

5—Spike McGhoul, heavyweight swat.

6—Charles Scribbler & Sons.

7—Duke De Buzzi and staff.

8—Nero, famous trick elephant from Hippodrome.

Them features, Mr. Editor, will be seriously lacking. Cabinet will come together occasionally for slight confap but it will seem quiet, like directors’ meeting of Ice Trust. Treaties will be made in sneeky gum-slipper manner. Panama Canal will be finished & nobody will know it. New President of America might declare war between U. S. and Germany with less dramatick effect than Hon. Roosevelt got by chasing 3 boys off from White House steps.

Next 4 years will be healthy climbate for old persons & delicate children. People will live longer but not so much. And what will happen to us in 1912? Hon. Nick Longworth will explain with American eye-wink!

Thou, too, climb on the Ship of State,
Climb on, O happy Candidate!—
And favoured Nations shall proclaim
The deeds of You who drag to fame
Your good-for-nothing Running Mate!

Hoping you are entirely aware,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—Banzai! America fleet reach Tokyo and international friendship are glued together by sticky ceremonies. Most sweetest exercise of all was when them 10,000 Japanese school-children sing, “Hail Columbia, Jappy land!”

H. T.

XXXV

FALL HATS AND THE LADIES INSIDE OF THEM

SAN FRANCISCO, November 6th.

_Editor New York Newspaper who must wear grandy Robe of
Literature & Science emborderied over with tucks & jounces
which represents Art; but he must also retain a calm Derby Hat
to make himself sensible in order to do so._

DEAR SIR—If my Uncle Nichi would not go roundy town seeing America he would not come home & talk about it. I should like to remain his affactunate Nefew, I should delight to reverence his bald hairs because he are my Ancester—but I will be lynched if I can remain faithful to all them fooly Questions he ask-it! Eech moment by clock-time he come to me with Queery & when I are giving sweethearted reply he are preparing another Enquire for answer. Only a mean dib can plug his voice, thank you!

“I observe something,” he say-me yesterday because he think he did, “I observe it how female women of America is entirely beasts of burden.”

“That are something to observe,” I deploy. “Where they carry them beastly burden, please, if proper?”

“I observe it,” he remain, “how they carries them burdens in enormed & sometimes overbearing quantities on top of their heads. Oftenly ladies of minus 126 pounds of complete frailness is seen totering from walk to walk with awful monstry platforms on their skull while on top side of this are piled fruits & vegetables, glassware, window-curtains, fuel, iron & wood, office supplies, general groceries, flours & other provisions. What you call them platters full of merchandise?” require Nichi.

“Would you get amazed if told?” I ask it.

“I shall attempt to,” he report.

“Them platters,” I say slow for gentle break, “is called Hats!”

Uncle Nichi is staggered to believe it.

“In Japan,” he tangle, “they would be called roofs. Such a Hat are sifficiently sized to support a entire family.”

“In America,” I falter, “it oftenly require a entire family to support such a Hat.”

Uncle Nichi set down because he are a oldy man and got a faint nerve.

“I will told you more,” I revoke. “Those Hon. Hats is pinned on to them Ladies what forget how painful they feel & drag them from places to places with smile of sweet resign. They are even happy while wearing them because they Imagines something.”

“What could they Imagine after that?” are enqueery for Nichi.

“They Imagines they are beautiful!” are report from me.

“Hashimura Togo,” rasp them feebly Unc, “up to now I have believed everything. Please tell lies more gently. I are not prepared to swallow too much.”

“When foreigners talk about American Ladies they must be prepare to swallow anything,” are argue I make. “This are customary.”

“Ladies must be oftenly scrushed to death beneath them awful lids,” require Nichi with Hearst editorial look.

“Such are the untruth,” I let go. “Them Hats is frequently more lighter than they looks by appearance. Although they are huje enormalosities amassed all over outside with riotous debree, yet they are kept light by fact that there ain’t nothing inside of them.”

“What-so!” say Nichi. “Ain’t them Ladies got their brains inside of them Hats?”

“If Ladies had sifficient brains enough to fill such Hats they would wear them much smaller,” are jount from me.

“Can we expect something worse soon?” suppose Nichi.

“Of surely we can!” say me. “In _Woman’s Homely Companion_, stylish paper, I read 1 page of fashionable hints wrote by a elderly clergyman who sign himself ‘Frou-Frou’ because he need the salary. He make following alarmy prediction:

“‘Stiles for 1909 will be built on Delagrange models with
box-kite planes fore and aft to look awful tasty. All them
patterns for winter wear will be heavier-than-air types which
is very chick. Them Zepellin hats, so popular last season, are
now being frowned at by Dam Fashion who says they are clumbsy &
apt to catch afire. Them new hats will seem kind of horble when
first looked at, but when they got a fan-shaped propeller going
at full speed in the rear, you got to acknowledge they look
mischievous & expensive.

“‘Many poor girls is making them at home after Buttermilk
Patterns furnished by request & 10c extra please. Some light
ashwood ribs, 90 yards mercyfied silk & a trifle of wire (which
can be took out of any piano) are sifficient for.

“‘By sending $7,000 to Paris you can get one of them
ready-trimmed by the Wright Sisters.’”

“If it was not printed in that _Homely Companion_ paper I would enjoy a suspicion that Hon. Frou-Frou was talking about airships,” contract my poor Relation.

“Hats & Airships is very dear cousins,” I rotate. “But they has some delicious differences. Some Airships can’t lift nothing—but Ladies is often entirely carried away by Hats.”

“Where would they be carried away to?” ask Uncle Nichi, who are studying American jokes by correspondence school.

“To any extreme,” I choke off for fear I shall hit Uncle Nichi with a angry Dib. So he go way for read newspaper & learn some more intelligent Questions to ask it.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, it are fashionable to appear smarty & suspicious when conversing in print about Ladies. Any colledge child not intelligent enough to learn bookkeeping & stenography can publish at least 1 book called “Sneery Thoughts of a Snappy Cynick” & sell from 10 to 1,000,000 copies. This to include several epigrams about Mrs. Eve and other famous Parisians. (“What are a ‘epigram’?” ask Little Annie Anazuma.

“A epigram are a cheap Joke in a dress-suit,” are reply for Japanese Schoolboy.)

Even Hon. Rud. Kipling, who write many novels and speak fluidly in both English & American, make sinickal talk about female Ladies. He-say “A Woman are merely a Woman, but a good cigar cost 25c.”

In Manila a good cigar only cost 8c, and yet Ladies is found growing there in tropickal bundance. So you see it are useless to try & compute the worthlessness of them in terms of tobacco.

Mr. Editor, I know only 3 Ladies to my acquaintanceship; but there is a 4th one now which I am learning pretty quick. Among this crowd are Hon. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds of entire beauty, to her I enjoy a tender business relation. She reward me $1.25 weekly for barber her lawn & comb it with rakes. Oftenly I speak to this lady with pathetick expression, because she may rise my salary if I look sifficiently unhappy. Sometime she bring me tea by side-porch to include ginger-snaps & I tell her delicious lies about myself so she will think what a fine Jobber I am.

This Lady are very expensive in clothes which appear hellish & also include dimonds. She obtain her gownds in Paris where they hates Americans and shows it by the stiles they sell them. It are a mean revenge. But Mrs. Macdonald can afford to dress in stile, because she are rich enough to be exentrick. I do not yet notice that she wear Directory skirt at knee. I shall telegraf you if she gets one.

Next in my acquaintanceship of feminines are Little Annie Anazuma, 9-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber. This childy Japanese are too young to be a lady, but she are already quite foolish.

& 3rd on this List of Ladies are Miss Alice Furioki, wife to my Cousin Nogi. I was once her finance, but when she marry Nogi I broke my engagement to her for spiteful reasons.

But 4th of them are a Girly Person to which I must own up. She are by initials Miss Evelyn Suki & have become a dear schoolfriend to Miss Furioki and very oftenly they meet together to do some chumming & other giggles. And very oftenly I make drop-in to home of Cousin Nogi for borrow opera glass or cigarette or what he got. And oftenly Miss Suki make door-knock for see Miss Furioki & Japanese Boy are axidentally there. I make eye-wink of soul to think how fox I are.

By last Wednesday P. M. I get nervus about Cousin Nogi & go see him offhandedly. Miss Furioki come to door and I make very humbel signals to her with derby hat.

“I am delicious to ask it, please, Mrs. Madam, thank you so much, so sorry I come. Are Cousin Nogi inside, thank you?”

“No, he are entirely out!” dib Miss Furioki, who despises me earnestly.

“Then I shall remain, thank you,” I say for cheerful smiles & take set-down to parler where I see Miss Suki doing a fancy task in companionship with Miss Furioki. On centre-table was a large objeck to resemble a clothes-basket & them Ladies was fondly trimbing it with smilax, ribbons and other laces. Occasionally they stand off-side, mouths confused by pins; sometimes they make critick faces and speek in milinary language.

“What you call That what you are doing?” I wander.

“Intelligent persons calls it a Hat,” snip Miss Furioki.

“By Bible you could not wore such a Hat,” are mope from me.

“What-say Bible about it?” require Miss Suki who are studying to be a missionary.

“Hon. Bible say, ‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’” are all sound I make.

Deep breathing from Miss Furioki. Miss Suki look slyly joyful. Pretty soonly them Hat are sifficiently complete for have try-on to head of Miss Furioki, who make poze before mirror with cowcattish expression.

“You hide cozily inside,” I arrange.

“It are a very theatrical hat,” lapse Miss Suki fairly.

“It look like a famous Play to me,” I commune for pious regard.

“What famous Play you meant?” queery Miss Alice. “You meant the ‘Jolly Widow?’”

“Maybe ‘Payed in Full’ are Play them Hat look like,” beseech Miss Suki.

“Ah, no!” I revolve, “another from them!”

“Then which play it look like, if so smart?” rasp wife of Nogi.

“It look like ‘The Devil’ to me,” I assassinate, and go out by door. Sound of crashy furniture inside, and other simptoms of an American Girl. Also some delicious snickkers from Miss Suki. Thank her so many!

* * * * *

Foreigners visiting America for first time is expected to say something about American women before getting off the boat. A very sublime Prince from Island of Borneo of recently come over & say following statistick about American Women:

1—They are naturally very foolish, but are less so when
educated.

2—It are easy to distinguish their Sext by their clothes—

3—Except in the case of Literary Ladies who wears derbies.

4—They are awful extravagant.

5—They are terrible stingy.

6—Many of them has more snippy espree than Frenchwoman.

7—Many has less.

8—They have got such quantity of Charm, etc., that it are
difficult for a Foreigner to look at them without enjoying
Lovesick simptoms.

American Ladies hear them compliments, Mr. Editor, with pompadours swole up with pride; but they are forgetful that what that Hon. Sublime said about them are true of every national Lady in the entire world—with the exception of the Ladies of Zeeweezi Land where it are the custom for them to cut off their noses to spite their husbands.

Hoping you can afford it, I am,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XXXVI

FEETBALL FOR MOLLYCUDDLES

SAN FRANCISCO, November 10th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper which must give large Colledge
Yall to see such great Yale-Harvard feetball combination when
Hon. Roosevelt pushed Hon. Taft across line._

HON. MR.—I have discovered more yet. America are no sooner through making one Loud Noise than she are prepared to make another. Her screems for Spring occupy Baseballing; next come Presidential Election where every person are ready to banzai & make provoked hollers; soonly following this arrive Feetball when talented Colledge Ladds is glued together for chorus of howels & rores which you would not believe except when it happens. Then America gives Thanksgiving because they are glad it are all over; but so vainly to think! With immediate quickness arrive Happy New Years when the roof of Hon. Heaven are entirely shrieked away with steam whissles. After this who knows what?

“You have forgot to put in Fourth of July,” say Uncle Nichi.

“That Hon. Explosion must be mentioned all by itself,” are contort for me.

Mr. Editor, all newspaper-prints is now filled with scandal about feet-ballers & what happen to them. I understand how Carlyle Indians would be champions of America except for fact that Chief Kick-in-the-Head have received something like his name; also ½ back, Hon. Hoopi, have fraxured both legs; ¼ back, Crazy Buffalo, are now in hospital enjoying 2 or 3 ribs, & Young-Man-Who-Butts-Like-a-Goat, famous tackler, have come apart & must be sewed together. White mans has been entirely unjust to Indians. Not satisfied with teaching them whisky-drunk they now educates them in feetball. The Nobel Red Man are thusly fast becoming a bursted race.

In another news-print I read-it how there are a general move in America to make feetball more kindly. How foolish to think! Feetball without an occasional murder would be like a bullfite without no Hon. Bull. It would be gentle, but who would come? I require no answer.

Howeverly all grandest California Colledges is now playing Rugboy feetball which is English & therefore entirely polite. And yet necks can be bursted by this way if required.

Last Saturday in early P. M. I make a very stylish appearance to my clothes which include frockaway coat, derby hat, respectful gloves & whatever shoes & socks are necessary for most beautiful way to look. With such ornaments I could not wear my familiar necktie which are getting too shabbed; so I borrow one of angry red complexion from Arthur Kickahajama who was not there when I took it. Thank you, Arthur, for kindness loan!

With them fashionable haberdash I make my joyful footprints go in direction of sidewalk where all Japanese what see me revoke, “Where would Hashimura Togo go so completely decorated?” But for answer I make American eye-wink & nothing else.

Pretty soonly I arrive by door-mat of Yoshima Suki, Japanese carpenter, & there I do rap-tap with nervus knuckles. After deliciously long time Miss Evelyn Suki, dreamy lady of entire youngness, come to knob & look surprised because she expect it was me.

“Kind morning, Mr. Togo,” she say-it with deceptive expression of a female, “which of my Parents did you come to see?”

“How many of them Parents have you got, please?” I remove with polite derby.

“I got two to include 1 Mother & 1 Father, both enjoying nice health,” she response.

“You are fortunate to have so many,” I corrode, “therefore permit them to enjoy their nice health without disturb from us.”

She do so, thank you.

We set in parlour & have a few conversations & occasional topicks. I get more charms eech moment by her sweet looks & cowcattish smile. I could throb forever in such lonesome company. Pretty soonly I say-so.

“Hon. Miss Suki, excuse me, sir, I ask it” (such nerves from me!). “Please may we go forthly together this afternoon for some sporty amusement?”

“Where we go to find such a sporty amusement?” she dement, tucking away her hair with morsel wave.

“In Japanese Y. M. C. A.,” I snagger, “Hon. Rev. Chillworthy will speek an entirely harmless lecture about ‘Onward & Upward for Little Missionaries,’ We could go there for minus expense because it are free.”

Stillness from Miss Suki.

“You no care for such an excitements?” I ask it.

“Slightly, perhaps,” are response from her, “Where else could we go for it?”

(I make sneekret count inside my pocket which contain 45c wealth.)

“Trolley-ride to Cliff House & peanuts by beach would be somewhat fashionable amusement if it wasn’t raining,” I snuggest.

“It might, but would it?” are next question for her.

I begin to enjoy go-home feeling for such discouredged talk.

“To tell you truthly, Mr. Togo,” she apply, “I got 2 tickets for one Feetball Game which will be kicked off this afternoon. You like to be chaperone to me for this ceremony?”

“I am reckless to try,” I cheer up. (For only a very fooly person would omit to be chaperone to a Angel what got 2 tickets, price $4.)

So we go there & seen what was.[1]

[1] Mr. Togo is describing Intercollegiate Football; still played
by minor colleges in California. Rugby is being played by the
principal colleges there.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, with what crippled penmanship I got how should I attemp to describe such scene of banzai, hari-kiri, stroggle & push what we seen for them 2 tickets? How can poor Japanese Schoolboy tell of such delicious race-riot all over mud which them heroes plowed with their faces?

Therefore I shall do so.

Me & Miss Evelyn Suki we set on bleached seats between 6 maiden co-eds and 2 colledge boys of average age 63 years. Heart-bursting screems was enjoyed by them for entire afternoon. When most fiercest play of feetball happened them oldy colledge boys would strike me in ankle with their cane which was a insult. Rainy weather & slight westerly showers.

Game of Feetball, Mr. Editor, are played by 22 enormous boys which are divided equally into ½ to look even. One ½ wear stripes & other ½ wears New Jersey sweaters of entirely blue colour. None of them Players is allowed to be killed before the game begins.

Delicious mud all over grounds which are good to slide on & show how graceful it can be done.

Considerable rah-rah cries indulged in by all specktaters to include Miss Suki & 10,000 others. Talented howels from all colledge boys who set in bleached seats around feetball grounds which is called a Griddle because it look like something else. Of suddenly OH-H-H-H!!!

To middle of griddle with brave runsteps come 11 striped athletes followed by 11 blue youths. More rores. In centre of Griddle Hon. Feetball (which resemble a leather melon) are placed down. Whissle from Foreman & suddenly one blue youth rosh forwards & give them Hon. Ball one very brutal kick which send it to Heaven where it intend to go. Splandid rushing together by all youths which do knock-downs with rage. Hon. Ball, when he make come-down, are lovingly embraced by a striped youth, but one blue youth see him & get jalous, so he throw him to mud with deathly thump. Eech member of both teams are now permitted to jump on this young man when he are laying pronely. Then Hon. Foreman holler “Down!” & all are sure of it.

Next Player to arrive are Hon. Doctor who do a hospital corps and remove 3 players with limps. Banzais from all. Game then go on for all afternoon by following rotation:

1—Savage ball-kick.

2—Wildly rush together.

3—Delicious throw-down.

4—Everybody jump-on.

5—All get off, if possible.

6—Doctors collect broken boys.

7—More ball-kick, more banzai, etc., till twilight.

Pretty soonly when 1 colledge player of striped appearance make grab-up of ball, blue colledge boys forget to knock him down; so with them pigly sphere clasp dearly in arms he make hurrysteps across field; and them blue players get very angry, so they chase him with fierce hair. How useless! Soonly he carry that ball behind goal-sticks & Blue Colledge cry, “Shah!” while Striped Colledge cry, “Rah!”

“Oh!! that count 5 for our side,” say elderly youth next by me.

“Why it count 5 when only 2 players was killed?” was question I ask-it; but that antique child was too busy with banzais for answer.

So I took away Miss Suki for ice-cream soda ceremony, price 20c., where we could be more lonesome together.

“It must require great strength to kill so many people in an afternoon,” she say-it with sweet sips.

“With a ax I could do much better,” are reply I make.

* * * * *

This week my chumb, Sydney Katsu, Jr., who went to Harvard for study mollycuddling, come back here enjoying great damages. I could see by the expression of his legs how much they was broke; also bandaged elbows indicate smashy condition & his brain was held together with a towel. Most of his teeth he was carrying in his pocket.

“O Sydney!” I report, “who done you all them delicious injuries you got?”

“Them Mollycuddles done it, thank you!” he dib, pointing to draped eye which was minus.

“What must a person do to become a Mollycuddle?” are next review I make.

“He must first go to Harvard & play on scrubbed Freshman team,” explan Sydney. “Some mollycuddlish person will say ‘6—11—44’ and toss him a entire feetball. Soonly all Harvard are on top of him to include the Library Building & Germanic Museum. Groans from this youth who are trying to play that game. Finally brickage are removed from him and he are permitted to be carried away. If he lives he are a Mollycuddle.”

“Shall you return to study gentle ways of efeet East?” I announce.

“Ah, no,” corrugate Sydney. “Wildy West are more peaceful place to be. I shall follow advice of Hon. Roosevelt which say, ‘Don’t be a Mollycuddle.’”

So I leave Sydney resting in arnica.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XXXVII

WILL HON. SO. DAKOTA BE A BLISSFUL MARRIED STATE?

SAN FRANCISCO, November 16th.

_Editor New York Newspaper who suppose he knows what will
happen to America next._

DEAR MR. SIR—“South Dakota are now very strickted & respecktable,” say Cousin Nogi with expression of deep glum. “Only choice, selected persons is permitted to get divorces there.”

“What must these choice, selected persons do now to obtain such a privilege?” are queery for me.

“A gentleman wishing to be entirely divorced in Sue Falls must reside there one year & must be drunk at leastly ¾ of time. He must beat his wife occasionally to prove it.”

“If he pass such examination will he then obtain ticket of leave?” are next I ask to know.

“Scarcely already,” are corrode from Nogi. “Firstly he must possess a certificate signed by 2 Aldermans or 6 State Senators showing that he enjoys a famous record for bad moral character, that he have allepeptick fits & served at leastly 1 year in some good penitentiary. If he got such papers he are permitted to be lonesome again.”

“Few persons has sufficient talent to pass such a high test,” I submit.

“Howeverly, many persons will try,” say Nogi for knowledge.

“With that strick law So. Dakota will soonly become one of them blissful married States,” I dally forth.

“So sad to think it will,” say Nogi with W. J. Bryan elbows. “Thusly are greatest landmarks of America departing off. Niagara Falls & Sue Falls, grand gushing monuments of Fourfathers’ pride, both is being swep away by toothless hand of commerce. No longer can pressed & weary persons turn feetprints to South Dakota like Pilgrum Fathers——”

“Why were a person what went to South Dakota like a Pilgrum Father?” I erupt with voice.

“Because they both journeyed Westward to find freedom, didn’t they not?” are request from Nogi.

I get shocky sensation by such news.

“So sinful comparison!” I reproach. “History-book say, ‘Them Puretan Parents made excursion to Plymouth Rock with entire singleness of purpose.’”

“Singleness of purpose also makes excursions to Sue Falls,” dib my corrugated cousin. “Hon. Dan Webster notice it in oldy days.”

“I have never found such talk in Webster’s Dixionary,” I imagine. “What did Hon. Dan say about it?”

“He-say, ‘United we stand, divided Sue Falls,’” are smart quotation for Nogi.

“How you obtain such divorce in sweet old days?” I exclaim for excitement.

“Maybe you can imagine it,” say Nogi. “Imagine, please, that Miss Alice Furioki, who is my wife, got peeved to me because of my slouched ways & feeble mind.”

I do so easily.

“Imagine, please, I say to her, ‘Fare-bye forever!’ & am next discovered on Pullman car.”

“Where you obtain sufficient cash for such a ticket?” are suspicious question for Hashimura Togo.

“You are permitted to imagine that also,” dib Nogi for snub. “I are next discovered on main street of Sue Falls. It are 6 o’clock P. M. by time. With immediate quickness I make feetsteps to Court House. It are closed, thank you. ‘Where can persons buy a divorce so late & catch train?’ I require of Hon. Janitor at door-knob. ‘Hon. Justice of the Peace has nice fresh ones,’ explain Hon. Janitor for polite smile. By running I get there quick—but alast! too late. ‘My husband are away attending funeral of man he shot,’ say Mrs. Justice. ‘Howeverly, you can buy choice divorces from Hon. Notary Publick around corner.’ At home of Notary Publick I meet Office Lad who say, ‘Hon. Boss are away setting up with a ill horse.’ So I depart off entirely nervus about that Divorce I didn’t got.”

“What you do nextly to stop being married?” I compute.

“Nextly,” say Nogi, “I make aimlus wander through deserted streets. Despair for me. Of suddenly I see one news stand with large gilty sign,

“‘DIVORCES WHILE WAITING FOR THEM—$5 APIECE.’

“This are stiff price, but I must. Already by news stand are considerable line of 100 Americans talking at each other as if acquainted very dearly. I enquire of one Hon. Police who stood by, ‘Why does them Americans talk together so corjul?’