Chapter I: Front Matter

Little Rays of Moonshine

_BOOKS BY A. P. HERBERT_

THE BOMBER GIPSY
THE SECRET BATTLE
THE HOUSE-BY-THE-RIVER
LITTLE RAYS OF MOONSHINE

_New York: Alfred A. Knopf_

Little Rays of
Moonshine

By

A. P. Herbert

New York
Alfred · A. · Knopf
1921

COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY
ALFRED A. KNOPF, INC.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

DEDICATED WITH RESPECT
TO
LESLIE SCOTT, K.C., M.P.

Most of these pieces have appeared in the pages of _Punch_, and I have to thank the Proprietors of that paper for their courtesy in permitting me to republish. “The Book of Jonah” appeared in _The London Mercury_, “The Supreme Court” in _The Outlook_, “The Art of Drawing” and “Reading Without Tears” in _Land and Water_, which perished a few weeks later. I thank them all.

A.P.H.

Contents

Wrong Numbers 9

The Genius of Mr. Bradshaw 17

Five Inches 23

Reading Without Tears 28

On With the Dance 35

The Autobiography 42

The White Spat 47

The Art of Drawing 55

About Bathrooms 61

A Criminal Type 67

The Art of Poetry 73

The Book of Jonah 94

The Mystery of the Apple-pie Beds 105

The Grasshopper 112

Little Bits of London 118

I The Supreme Court 118

II “The Bear Garden” 126

III Billingsgate 133

IV The Bloater Show 140

V Bond Street 145

The Little Guiggols 151

Wrong Numbers

I have invented a new telephone game. It is a thoroughly discreditable, anti-social game, and I am not proud of it, but it has been forced upon me by circumstances. It is now clear that my telephone number is the only one the operators know, and my game follows the lines of all the best modern movements, the principle of which is that, if you cannot hit the man you are annoyed with, you hit somebody else instead. Nowadays, when some perfect stranger is introduced to me in error on the telephone, I no longer murmur, “Wrong number, I’m afraid,” in my usual accents of sweet sympathy, cool resignation, irritation, hatred or black despair; I pretend that it is the _right_ number. I lead my fellow-victim on into a morass of mystification; I worm out his precious secrets; I waste his precious time. If you can square your conscience you will find it is a glorious game, though I ought to add that considerable skill is required. It is best, perhaps, to make a general rule of answering the call in the first instance in a high feminine voice, as much like a housemaid, or a charwoman, or a Government typist as possible; then you are prepared for any development.

The following are some of the best matches I have played:----