Chapter I: Act I

SCENE. _Home of MR. TOPP. Handsome sitting room of a wealthy
man. Doors R. & L. in 1 E. (N. B.—Street door is always L., way
to interior of house always R.); also door in flat C. Table and
chairs R. C. Small secretary, with mirror over it by flat L. C._

GIN. (_Entering L. with mail._) I never see de like of de mail; dah’s a bushel o’ letters an’ one paper. (_Puts letters on table; part slide off on floor; he does not see them._) Dat paper is de _Sun_. Massa done read de Baltimore _Sun_, mos’ ever since de creation I ’low. (_Reads on the wrapper “Topp & Topp, No. 3 Druid Hill Place.”_) Didn’t I read dat easy. Pshaw! I kin read heaps, ’ticlarly if dah’s a picter to sort o’ steer by. My poor ole mommy couldn’t read nothin’ but de wrapper, an’ I ’spect she guessed at dat. Crackey! edication is mighty powerful sometimes. My ole mommy couldn’t read an’ she (_pauses_)—humph, she sold for a thousand dollahs befoh de wah. What ’ud _you_ sell foh, Ginger Potts? You good fur nothin’ nigger, you wouldn’t fetch a blame cent. But your vote, dat’s spot cash. (_Bell rings._) Foh de Lord’s sake, w’at ails dat bell. It’s done ringin’ all de time. (_Exit L._)

_ENTER MRS. DUBBLEDAM R._

MRS. D. I nefer saw tings like dot already. Seven men haf been at de side door to sell leetle togs to Meester Topp. I get dem all away so gwick as ever for Meester Topp he hates togs already fery much. He vas a mighty gweer man, an’ he gets no better, aint it; he say to me sudden like one day: “Mrs. Tuppletam, we must have some twins.” I tinks to myself, Meester Topp, was you cracy? I felt myself yoost like a puzzle, and he yoost keep silence; dot silence was embarrassed, so I said a little sharp, “Vere you get some twins if you please, Mr. Topp?” Dot man was awful curious, ven I haf temper he haf none, sometimes, and sometimes he haf too much; dot time he vas very quiet, an’ his voice like a woman’s—a woman, ven she is not mat—

_ENTER GINGER, L 1, with more letters._

GIN. What racket is massa into now, Mrs. Dubbledam?

MRS. D. Twins. He says, “My gran’fater was twins, an’ my fater oont uncle was twins; my poor brudder an’ me was twins, an’ I’m goin’ to have some twins to run my pisness and pack oysters.” I yoost thought I’d fall in a heap. I guessed dot man was talkin’ out of his head alretty; I could say not one wort, but he turned round an’ walked out. Dot was de piggest puzzle about dem twins. So yesterday, at breakfast, he say sudden like, “Tuppletam, I’m goin’ to advertise for dose twins.”

GIN. Land o’ honey, Mrs. Dubbledam, look at de letters. (_Puts them on the table and some fall on the floor._)

MRS. D. Well, I nefer; where does de letters come from, Ginger? Apout tem twins? What a lot o’ peoples bin havin’ twins! Twins must be plentier dan persimmons.

GIN. De postman says dese letters belong here; dey wouldn’t take ’em at Number 5.

MRS. D. I yoost get even on Number 5; I’ll send Number five de togs.

GIN. What dogs?

MRS. D. Dere’s been seven, nine men here mit togs dis mornin’.

GIN. De dickens! ole massa’ll take a fit.

MRS. D. All sorts o’ togs at dot side door. Big Newfounlant togs, rat togs, sky pups, oont all dot. Dey make me real mat sayin’ so often dot we want no togs. (_Bell rings._)

GIN. Blame dat bell.

MRS. D. Ginger, why aint you more gwick answerin’ dot bell?

GIN. (_Imitating her accent._) Nefer mint, I’m gwick enough already, aint it? Say, I wonder—(_bell violently_)—if somebody isn’t playing a trick on ole massa? (_Voice inside from door in flat._) “Potts, the bell.” Geeminy; ole massa done heerd. Say, anybody fotch any kids yet?

MRS. D. Dere was no shildrens yet.

GIN. Dey’ll come later, dey don’t git up so airly as de dogs. (_Bell violently, voice again._) “Where’s that infernal niggro.” (_Exit GIN rapidly, L._)

MRS. D. Dat niggero gets so slow, efery day more. Dear me, I’ll nefer get my work done to-day between te togs, te letters oont, Meester Topp’s whims, oont twins, oont sooch like. (_Exit R._)

_RE-ENTER GINGER with TICK L._

GIN. Massa aint done brekfusted yet.

TICK. (_Seating himself by table, R. C._) I’ll wait.

GIN. Sometimes massa’s powerful slow comin’ down, hadn’t yeh bettah send in youah cahd?

TICK. No, thanks; my business can be transacted with him only.

GIN. (_Aside._) Dat’s bout de twins suah. ’Scuse me, but did you fotch de kids along?

TICK. What’s that?

GIN. De chillen. Whah’s de chillen?

TICK. Children? I’m no married man.

GIN. Dat so? Well, I ’low dat _does_ make _some_ difference. (_Bell again._) Wisht dat bell was in Jericho; dere’s too many people comin’ here I know. It’s de sign on de dooh. Massa Topp’ll jest naterally kill dat painter who fumbled up dat 3 so ye can’t tell it from de 5, nor de 5 from de 7. It’s turnin’ de whole neighborhood crazy. (_Exit L._)

TICK. (_Taking up paper, reads on wrapper, “Topp & Topp.”_) Hello, here’s an adventure. I’ve got into the house of my employer, old Topp, of Topp & Topp, Oyster Packers. Well, it’s too late to back out now, I’ll sell him the dogs or break a trace trying. Lucky for me I’m on the road most of the time. I think he doesn’t know me. He’s as queer as all out o’ doors. If he should discover me and get out of humor about it, he’d give me a passport to the street. (_Meditates._) Ah, I have it; I’m not Jim Baggs at all. The boys used to call me Tickle. Laughed too easy and got thrashed for it every day, in school; it became Tick for short. Now, I’m simply Tick, James Tick, Esq. (_Voice outside. “I tell you I must see him.”_) Hello! more dogs?

_ENTER GINGER and SPRATT, L._

GIN. (_To SPRATT._) Hadn’t you bettah try No. 5, sah? I think dat’s de place youall’s lookin’ foh.

SPRATT. I have tried No. 5 and they say No. 3 is the place.

GIN. S’pose you try No. 7.

SPRATT. This is the place, I’m sure. I won’t be put off. (_Takes chair, eyes TICK suspiciously._)

GIN. Cahd, sir, I’ll take in your cahd. (_SPRATT gives soiled card._) (_Aside._) Jiminy, dat’s a dirty cahd, if I hand dat cahd to Massa Topp he’ll give me fits. (_Tears card and throws it under table._) ’Scuse me (_to SPRATT_), w’at did ye say youah name was?

SPRATT. (_Grumbles._) Confound the nigger. I gave you my card.

GIN. Massa is a little ’tickler; he doesn’t like cahds.

TICK. I’ve been that way myself—after staying too long in the game.

GIN. (_To SPRATT._) Name, sah?

SPRATT. Spratt.

GIN. (_Grins._) Jack Spratt?

SPRATT. Impertinent!

GIN. Yis, sah; long name, sah.

TICK. By the way, what is your name?

GIN. Potts, sah! Gingeh Potts.

TICK. Ginger; that’s a lively name.

GIN. Name, sah!

TICK. Tick.

GIN. What’s dat?

TICK. I said Tick, James Tick!

GIN. Dat aint no Christian name; ye’s done foolin’ me.

TICK. (_Slipping coin into GINGER’S hand._) It isn’t Tick, but Tick goes.

GIN. (_Bowing profusely._) To be suah! James Tick, Esquire (_stress on Esq._) an’ Jack Spratt.

SPRATT. (_With offended dignity._) Robert Spratt.

GIN. Yis, sah! James Tick, Esq., and Bob Spratt.

SPRATT. (_Aside._) The monkey!

(_Exit GIN., D. F._)

TICK. (_Eying SPRATT. Aside._) If that guy is a dog fancier, then I’ll quit the business.

SPRATT. (_Aside._) He looks too young for a _father_ in adversity. Guardian, possibly. (_To TICK._) Our business is mutual, I presume.

TICK. I presume you know nothing about it.

SPRATT. (_Aside._) A good guess. He is uneasy. (_To TICK._) I presume we can be friendly about it.

TICK. (_Turning away._) Presumption is a good thing—for a book agent.

SPRATT. (_Aside._) A hard case to handle. I’ll draw him out. (_To TICK._) If I may ask, _father_?

TICK. Look here, stranger, you are impertinent.

SPRATT. Then, I am right. You _are_ a father.

TICK. It’s a lie; I’m not married!

SPRATT. Beg pardon; that makes _some_ difference.

TICK. _Some!_ What do you mean by that?

SPRATT. You need not be so touchy. This is a free and fair rivalry, isn’t it?

TICK. What are you talking about? Are you an escaped lunatic?

SPRATT. You are insulting. (_Turns away angrily._)

TICK. (_Aside._) What is he up to? There’s something here too deep for me!

SPRATT. (_Aside._) I’d best conciliate him. (_To TICK._) Guardian, perhaps?

TICK. Guardian! What do I think of them on general principles? I don’t like them. I had one once. He spent all my money, then married my only sister and spent hers. I’ve no use for them. I recommend you to take one.

SPRATT. Me! Confound your insinuation. You mistake me entirely. I—

_ENTER TOPP, D. F., comes down C._

TOPP. (_Eyes them with quick keen scrutiny._) Good morning, gentlemen, which is Mr. Dick Spratt?

SPRATT. (_Rushing up with card._) Robert Spratt, sir.

TICK. (_Rushing up with card, each trying to get ahead of the other._) Here’s my card sir, I represent—confound it (_hastily pocketing card_); (_aside_) “card of the firm”; (_confused_) my name is James Tick, _Esquire_.

TOPP. (_With slight emphasis._) Oh, I see, James Tick, _Esquire_; and Robert Spratt, _Esquire_, too, I presume? Your business, gentlemen.

SPRATT. (_Trying to get ahead of TICK._) I have just what you want sir, right here, lovely disposition, good health, good stock, pardon me if I say it myself.

TICK. (_Insinuating himself before SPRATT._) Pardon _me_ my house—hang it, I don’t mean house—my goods are A 1, good health, clean skin, and the most beautiful long ears.

SPRATT. (_Contemptuously._) Long ears! I’d be ashamed to tell it!

TICK. Long winded, trim in the flank—

SPRATT. Flanks! that’s indelicate!

TICK. Delicacy, indeed; I’d like to know what delicacy has to do in this case!

TOPP. (_Annoyed and puzzled._) Nothing, it seems, gentlemen; what on earth are you rowing about? If you have any business, we’ll reach it sooner one at a time.

SPRATT. (_Vociferating._) I was here first.

TICK. That’s false, I was here first. Wasn’t I Ginger?

SPRATT. That infernal nigger sent me away three times before he’d let me in.

TOPP. (_Stiffly._) We will consider you first. Proceed.

SPRATT. As I said, lively disposition, good health, good stock—

TICK. Can you furnish a written pedigree?

SPRATT. Pedigree! I am making a note of your insulting language. (_To TOPP._) In short, they are just what you want.

TICK. Health is very important, but allow me—(_TOPP frowns at TICK who stops_).

SPRATT. Their names sir, are—

TOPP. Bother the names! Gentlemen, I fail to comprehend the object of this interview. I deem your business absurd. If you have any proposition to submit do it in writing.

SPRATT. My dear sir, the pen cannot do justice to my lovely—

TICK. By the way, are they mangy?

SPRATT. I’ll stand this no longer, your language is slanderous. (_Shakes his fist at TICK._) If I had you outside!

TOPP. A vulgar brawl. (_Enraged._) This is too much. (_Pulls bell by D. F._) A row between two ruffians in my own house.

_ENTER GINGER, R._

TOPP. Potts, show these gentlemen out.

SPRATT. Potts, didn’t I come first?

TICK. (_Winking at GIN._) Look here; you know I came first.

GIN. (_To TOPP._) I think dey come sumiltudinous. I’m ’fraid dey won’t go. Dey’s de most obstinatest chaps I ever see.

TOPP. Then kick them out—call a policeman. Get rid of them.

GIN. (_To SPRATT._) Now you heah dat? Cleah out!

SPRATT. (_Backing towards door L._) This is outrageous. (_To TOPP._) I’ll bring an action for damages. (_To TICK._) This is your work, you villain. I’ll get even—(_GIN. seizes him by the collar and runs him out L._)

TICK. (_Aside._) I’m going to see what this old cock _does_ want anyway.

_RE-ENTER GIN. L._

GIN. Now sah, dah’s de door.

TICK. (_Looking._) So it is. A door’s a door even if there’s nothing in it. (_Gives him a coin. GIN. bows and slips out, leaving TICK, down C. TOPP opening letters R. of table._)

TOPP. Annoyances go in troops, it appears. I can’t understand why I should get all these letters and have so many callers too. (_Reads letter._)

“Mr. X., 3 Druid Hill Place:

“Sir: Having seen your advertisement for lady amanuensis, I
hereby apply for the place. I am not exactly a brunette, but
have beautiful, wavy, light-brown hair with blue eyes. Am tall,
slender and graceful, and my friends say I am good looking.”

Well, really that’s a strange letter.

TICK. (_Aside._) Oho! this is getting interesting.

TOPP. What the deuce does the woman mean? I shall need an amanuensis if I answer all these. (_Throws letter aside toward TICK and opens two or three more; TICK picks up letter._)

TOPP. (_Reading._) “Dear Sir:—I think I can fill the bill exactly.” What bill? That is direct. Signed, Maud Martin. (_Opens another._)

TICK. (_Reading._) “I dress stylish and am fond of”—(_Pause to make out word_).

TOPP. (_Reading._) “I am a light blonde with clear rosy complexion and am”—(_Pause to decipher word_).

TICK. (_Reading._) “Fond of amusements, particularly”—

TOPP. (_Reading, puzzled._) What is that?—am—am—edicated—vulgar thing—no, it is not edicated, (_spells_) eddicted—indeed—to the theatre. Hum; I’m not surprised.

TICK. (_Reading._) “Opera parties and a quiet”—

TOPP. Dear me, this is all very curious. She evidently thinks complexion and the cut of her gown has something to do with stenography. (_Stops to think, puzzled, opens another. Amazed to see TICK reading letter._)

TICK. —“and a quiet little oyster supper.” Oh! the old sinner. I’m onto him.

TOPP. (_Flushing angry._) Look here, sir, are _you_ here yet? And reading my letters too! This is most extraordinary! This is too much, sir!

TICK. It _is_ too much for _one_. You need help!

TOPP. Help! What do you mean, sir? I can manage my affairs without your assistance. I thought I told Potts to show you out. (_Rings bell viciously._) Where is that niggro?

_ENTER GIN. D. F._

GIN. Did you ring, sah?

TOPP. Did I ring? I’ve been ringing all morning.

GIN. (_Bowing._) Yis, sah!

TOPP. Potts, show this man out.

GIN. I done showed him de door wunst.

TOPP. Show it to him again. Show him the outside of it.

GIN. Yis, sah.

TOPP. What about these letters? They are apparently not mine.

GIN. De postman done tote ’em heah. Dey wouldn’t have ’em at No. 5.

TOPP. What has No. 5 to do with my mail? I have not advertised for any amanuensis. Take them to No. 5 and say it’s about the amanuensis.

GIN. (_Bewildered._) A—man—you—and—what sort of a man did you say, sah?

TOPP. Go! Say nothing! Pick up those on the floor.

TICK. (_Aside._) The sly old dog. He’s hedging.

TOPP. (_Looking at envelope._) Potts!

GIN. Yis, sah!

TOPP. How did the postman get this address mixed up with No. 5? That’s a plain enough 5.

GIN. Ye see it’s like dis, massa, he’s a new man an’ de painter done put so many querliques on de figgers when he painted new numbers las’ week dat ye can’t tell de 3 from de 5, nur de 5 from de 7. De 3 has a handle to it, an’ de 5 has whiskers, an’ de 7 looks powerful groggy, an’ sorter bow-legged.

TOPP. Oh! high art on a transom. I see.

GIN. Yes, sah! High art, so high de postman couldn’t see it.

TOPP. Have our number re-painted plainly at once, and see that it is a 3. Confound this so-called artistic lettering. People will take the place for a Chinese laundry. (_Bell, exit GIN._) (_To TICK._) Aren’t you going, sir? Can’t you take a hint?

TICK. (_Bowing politely._) I am waiting to be shown out. (_Moves down L._)

TOPP. (_Apologetically._) Oh, to be sure! I beg your pardon.

TICK. Don’t mention it.

_RE-ENTER GIN. L. with MRS. TWIGGS-KNOTT, she goes up C._

GIN. (_Announces._) Mrs. Twiggs-Knott.

TOPP. (_Advancing._) Eh? What is the name?

MRS. T-K. Twiggs-hyphen-Knott.

TOPP. Ah, to be sure! To what do I owe the pleasure of this call, Mrs. Twiggs-hafaknot?

MRS. T-K. I beg your pardon! It isn’t Twiggs-hyphen-Knott! simply Twiggs-Knott. I spell it with a hyphen.

TOPP. And pronounce it without a hyphen.

MRS. T-K. Yes.

TOPP. I see. I beg your pardon, madam! (_Aside._) Devilish fine woman!

MRS. T-K. Twiggs, maiden name; Twiggs-Knott, married name.

TOPP. I comprehend, perfectly. (_Aside._) A widow!

TICK. (_Aside._) I wonder if the old Mormon will take this trick?

TOPP. Mrs. Twiggs-Knott, may I enquire to what I owe this pleasure?

MRS. T-K. Certainly! I called in answer to your advertisement!

TOPP. (_Starting._) There’s a mistake!

TICK. (_Aside._) Sly old dog!

MRS. T-K. I think there is no mistake. I called at No. 5, and they said it was No. 3.

TOPP. I am sure it must be one of my neighbors. May the devil take that painter! I mean, begging pardon madam, try No. 7. (_Aside._) An adventuress.

MRS. T-K. I did try 7 and they said they couldn’t be pestered with other people’s callers. They were sure this is the right place.

TOPP. A fig for their assurance! I wish people would mind their own business. (_Aside._) Good Lord deliver me! (_To MRS. T-K._) Madam, go home and make an inventory of your attractions.

MRS. T-K. Sir!

TOPP. Schedule your charms!

MRS. T-K. They are indeed very charming.

TOPP. (_Aside._) The brazen baggage! (_To her._) Make out your specifications.

TICK. Marked “Exhibit A,” etc.

MRS. T-K. Is it so very important as that?

TOPP. (_Aside._) I’ll scare her away! (_To her._) Oh! yes, of the utmost importance. The strain is especially—

TICK. Yes, the strain is everything, mine is all O. K. in the books.

TOPP. (_Surprised._) Say now! Are you here yet, young man? Explain your conduct, sir. Confound you, you are listening to a private conversation.

TICK. I’m waiting to be shown out.

TOPP. Oh, to be sure! Where is that infernal niggro. (_Rings bell._)

TICK. The pedigree of mine is without a flaw. They are from Spots, mother Fly, sire, Robinson Crusoe. (_TOPP and MRS. T-K look puzzled._) Are yours down in the books?

MRS. T-K. In the books? I don’t understand you.

TICK. Who was their sire?

MRS. T-K. Sir? Their sire? This is grossly insulting. (_Screams._) Oh, dear me, oh, oh. Sir (_To TOPP_), are you a man to see a woman thus insulted in your own house?

TOPP. (_Crosses to L., to TICK._) What the devil are you doing?

TICK. I don’t know.

MRS. T-K. (_Screams hysterically_) Oh, my precious darlings! Oh, my dear little angels! Oh, I shall faint!

TOPP. She’s going to faint. (_Prances around excitedly._) Where’s that niggro?

MRS. T-K. (_Hysterically._) Help! (_About to faint._)

TOPP. Allow me madam! (_About to support her. TICK adroitly slides between, catching her._)

TICK. Allow _me_ madam!

MRS. T-K. (_Hastily standing erect._) _You!_ Oh, you wretch! How dare you! I’ll leave this house at once, since a lady is not free from insult here.

TOPP. But, madam, allow me to explain—I beg you will not be hasty, stay—there she goes—(_She exits in dudgeon. L._) (_To TICK._) This is disgraceful, sir!

TICK. I quite agree with you, and at your age too. Now why do you prefer a blonde? Brunettes are more to my taste.

TOPP. (_In towering passion._) Your taste? Blonde! Brunette! I have expressed no choice, you impertinent coxcomb. Why don’t you go? Where _is_ that niggro? If he doesn’t kick you down stairs, I will. (_Going to bell._)

_ENTER GIN. L. ANGIE following appears in door._

GIN. Massa Topp, a young lady dat wants to see you.

TOPP. (_Cross._) Send her away, I wont see her. (_Sees Angie, who comes forward smiling; he changes._) Ah! yes, what can I do for you?

ANGIE. I called in answer to your advertisement.

TOPP. (_Calming down._) Hum! yes. (_Aside._) Confound it, which does she mean? (_To ANGIE._) Be seated. (_Aside._) How shall I begin?

ANGIE. Thank you! (_Seats herself chair L._)

TICK. (_Aside._) Typewriter or dog fancier?

TOPP. (_Aside._) Can’t be twins. Typewriter of course. (_To ANGIE._) May I ask, do you take readily?

ANGIE. (_Confused._) Why, sir, I—yes—that is, my friends tell me I am very taking!

TICK. (_Aside._) Oho!

TOPP. (_Confused. Admires her._) I quite agree with them, but you mistake my meaning. I meant—ah—are you _rapid_?

ANGIE. (_Rising offended._) Sir!

TICK. (_Stepping between them, L.C._) Allow _me_ to explain! She doesn’t catch on.

ANGIE. (_Laughs._) No, I don’t!

TOPP. (_Brushing TICK away. Aside._) It must be twins, then. (_To ANGIE._) Write full particulars, give family history, etc.

TICK. And be sure to name the sire. Strain is everything in—

TOPP. You are in the presence of a lady, sir. Conduct yourself accordingly, or I shall hold you responsible. (_Pushes him aside._)

TICK. You don’t play _that_ game on _me_! I’m not responsible.

TOPP. A correct observation, on my life.

TICK. (_Getting between them._) Don’t bother me. This is my customer. (_Pulls TOPP away C._)

TOPP. What is that you say?

ANGIE. (_Puzzled._) Goodness, me, what are they both talking about!

TOPP. (_Aside._) There! wrong again! It _is_ dogs. (_Angry._) Madam—miss, if there is anything I—(_Stops. Aside._) I must be civil. She’s very pretty. Miss, I think you had best go home and write about them. (_Aside._) I’ll buy them and drown them.

TICK. Old Bluebeard! She’s a dear little angel.

TOPP. There is my card. I’ll be delighted to hear from you.

TICK. (_Aside._) Who doubts it?

ANGIE. Thank you very much, Mr. Topp.

TOPP. Don’t mention it, pray. By the way I’ll take _your_ address. (_Takes out note book. TICK does same._)

ANGIE. Miss Angie Twiggs, Ferndale Park, Cottage No. 12.

TOPP. (_Writing._) Thank you, I have it.

TICK. (_Talking unconsciously._) Yes, I have it.

TOPP. (_Furious._) Why, you cad, are you taking that address? Your impudence is simply amazing! I’ll brain you, sir!

TICK. No you wont.

TOPP. What are you going to do with that address? I wont allow this. Give it up, sir, or I’ll knock you down! (_Business of sparring._)

ANGIE. (_Screams._) Oh, gentlemen! Oh, oh, please don’t!

TOPP. (_Desisting._) To be sure, there is a lady present.

TICK. There is, and don’t you forget it.

TOPP. Forget what, sir?

TICK. That there is a lady present, a _young_ lady!

TOPP. (_Glaring at him._) I shan’t forget it. I need no lessons in manners from you, sir.

TICK. I was only going to say that fighting is rude, and—

TOPP. Have the goodness to cut short your disquisition. Now, _are_ you ever going?

TICK. I’m waiting to be shown out.

TOPP. I beg pardon, so you are. Where is that Potts? (_Rings bell violently._) A niggro is the most aggravating of all evils. I’ll flog that boy.

ANGIE. (_Aside._) What a very eccentric pair. Mr. Topp, I think I shall go. I will write you soon.

TOPP. I shall receive your missive with pleasure.

TICK. (_Aside._) Poor innocent thing. Not if I can save her. (_Theatrically._) I will save her!

TOPP. Eh, what’s that you say?

TICK. Oh, nothing much!

TOPP. (_Bows and leads way for ANGIE, going L._) I am delighted, Miss Twiggs—delighted with this short call. Potts will show you out in a minute.

_ENTER GIN. L._

Potts, stir yourself! show this young lady out.

GIN. Yis, sah.

TOPP. And show that young man out, too. You black rascal, I told you to do that before.

GIN. Yis, sah (_Starts L. ANGIE and TICK following_).

TOPP. Hold on there a moment, Potts! Don’t you know better than that? Show the young lady out _first_! (_Takes TICK by collar and pulls him back._) Don’t think you shall escape so easily. I shall hold you accountable, sir.

TICK. It’s my turn to be shown out. Haven’t I been waiting for an hour to be shown out?

TOPP. You don’t go just yet, young man, I have use for you.

TICK. (_Goes up R._) He recognizes me at last. My place is as good as vacant. (_Turning back._) I am at your service, Mr. Topp.

TOPP. Very well. Now what do you mean, sir, by coming into my house in this way, poking into my letters, listening to my private affairs and taking the addresses of lady callers? This is outrageous, sir!

TICK. (_Aside._) He doesn’t know me. I’ll bluff a little. (_To T._) Do me the favor to observe that I came here on business.

TOPP. Business! What is your business, pray? Why havn’t you stated it an hour ago?

TICK. I never crowd a customer.

TOPP. (_Surprised._) Customer!

TICK. I always wait till he is not busy, then I get him into a good humor—

TOPP. (_Snorting._) Oh, you do; then let me say that I am not in a good humor.

TICK. No, your humor is bad.

TOPP. And I will have none of your attempts at witticism.

_ENTER GIN. L._

GIN. Massa Topp, dem kids is crying fit to kill!

TOPP. Kids! What do you mean by kids?

GIN. Wy dat gemmen left two kids in de yard.

TOPP. Goats on my lawn! They’ll ruin all the shrubbery. Of all things I detest a goat. First we were beset by a legion of dogs, now we are threatened with goats. This is no menagerie. Put them out at once, at once I say, before they ruin the plants.

GIN. But massa—

TOPP. Go immediately or I’ll thrash you. (_Picks up paper-weight to throw. GIN. exits rapidly L._) I’ll have to part with that niggro.

TICK. Old family retainer, I suppose?

TOPP. Yes, and like most heirlooms of no value whatever. He is one of the fixtures in the family along with our traditions. His grandfather was servant of my grandfather; his mother was my nurse.

TICK. It is very commendable of you, sir, to bear with his failings.

TOPP. Well, I doubt it sometimes. But as I said, he is a fixture along with our tradition of twins; twin brothers have been at the head of the firm of Topp & Topp for three generations. When my poor brother died five years ago the line was broken. Now, alas, it is necessary to resort to _adoption_.

TICK. Very sad, sir, to see an honored old house on the verge of extinction.

_ENTER GIN. and SPRATT L._ (_They listen._)

TOPP. Your sentiments are very commendable, very! But, hang it, sir, you make too sure of your premise. I am on the verge, but not the verge of extinction.

TICK. What verge, then?

TOPP. (_With sudden gayety._) My boy, it makes me so good natured to think of it, and your inquisitiveness is so very refreshing that, by Jove, I’ll gratify it. I’m going to marry that young lady.

TICK. (_Aside._) Well, he has assurance. A rival! (_To TOPP._) I admire your taste.

TOPP. Aint I a lucky chap? Gad, I feel twenty-five. I think fifty-five is not very old, what do you say?

TICK. Not so old as seventy-five.

TOPP. (_Growls._) Seventy-five is not in question, sir. (_To himself._) Ah! I’m in luck. That little blonde (or brunette, as the case maybe) is very pretty!

TICK. (_Aside._) I’ll head him off! (_To TOPP._) May I suggest, sir, that your acquaintance with the young lady is rather brief.

TOPP. A fig for your suggestion. She’ll come around all right. By the way, your alleged business seems to consist chiefly in poking your nose into other people’s affairs. I have suggested several times that you take your leave.

TICK. (_Bowing._) At your pleasure. I’m waiting to be shown out.

TOPP. O, to be sure! I beg pardon. I’ll ring for my man. (_Starts to D. F. to pull bell. Sees GIN. and SPRATT in door._) Potts, you there! Havn’t I told you a thousand times not to stand listening?

GIN. An ’bout ’leven hundred times never to speak while other folks was talked to.

TOPP. Silence! Who is this person? (_SPRATT steps in._)

GIN. Dat’s de man wot fotched de kids.

TOPP. (_To SPRATT, with temper._) Did you leave any kids on my lawn! sir? That is actionable. I’ll prosecute you. I’ll see if there’s any law for making bedlam out of a quiet neighborhood, and turning objectionable animals loose on one’s lawn. Potts, take away those kids.

SPRATT. (_Angrily._) Kids? How dare you allude to Grover Cleveland Spratt and Benjamin Harrison Spratt in that way?

TOPP. Your nomenclature is ridiculous.

SPRATT. I beg to differ. Not knowing your politics, I thought I’d please you one way or the other. You can change whichever name you don’t like.

TOPP. I don’t like either. I am a Prohibitionist!

SPRATT. Then change both!

TOPP. Change both! I’ll have them drowned, Potts, do you hear that? Drown them!

GIN. (_Starting._) Foh de Lord’s sake, Massa Topp, dat’s more dan my conscience kin stan’.

SPRATT. I overlook your insult. To return to business, you advertised for them.

TOPP. What, I! Never! Take them away instanter or I’ll not answer for their lives.

SPRATT. You gray-headed old monster!

TOPP. (_Enraged._) What! Call me names in my own house.

SPRATT. Yes, and I’ve a mind to chastise you.

TOPP. Chastise _me_! Don’t you try it. (_Feint of sparring. Catches crick in shoulder. SPRATT laughs._) Laughing at me, you ruffian! I’m not so decrepit, sir, I’d have you understand!

SPRATT. (_Boastingly._) I could do you in a minute.

TOPP. I am forgetting myself, you are beneath my notice. Potts, show this man out.

TICK. (_Aside._) This is a good time for me to go and see Angie. (_Looks in note book._) Cottage No. 3, Ferndale Park.

GIN. Beg pardon, massa, did you say _show_ him out or _throw_ him out?

TOPP. Either! Use your pleasure. Get rid of him.

GIN. (_To SPRATT._) Do you see dat dooh?

SPRATT. I’ll have the law on you. (_Backing out L._)

GIN. Scoot! (_SPRATT exits just ahead of GINGER’S boot._)

TOPP. Here’s a forenoon wasted by a pack of lunatics. (_Pause._) What does this internal tumult mean? (_Paces floor._) It isn’t the threats of that man. Bah, the braggart! I feel so light hearted. My pulse is bounding. (_Feels pulse._) About 85. I feel the buoyancy and lightness of thirty years ago. (_Sings snatch of old song._)

“I feel just as happy as a big sun flower,
That nods and bends in the breezes,
And my heart is as light as
The wind that blows the leaves from off the treeses.”

I haven’t been that way since I was forty. At thirty I was in love with every pretty face and figure. What a pretty name, _Angie_. (_Enter GIN._) And those eyes! (_GIN. makes extravagant gestures of satisfaction._) And that exquisite little mouth! And what a lovely chin—ah! the chin is an important feature. Yes, Cadwalader Topp, this is love. (_GIN. makes gesture of embracing a lady._) Old boy you have it again, same old symptoms aggravated. I’ll dress at once and call on her this very day. At my age no time is to be lost. My age! Pshaw! Age does not consist in years. (_Turns suddenly, sees GIN. D. F. in act of embracing imaginary lady. Tableau._)

QUICK CURTAIN.