Chapter III: Act III: SCENE. House of MR. TOPP as in Act I

_ENTER GINGER, showing in MRS. T-K., L._

GIN. Massa Topp’ll be in soon. I’ll take your cahd.

MRS. T-K. Just say a lady.

GIN. Yes’m. (_Exit GIN. R._)

MRS. T-K. Oh, I’m in such a state! What if Angie is right after all and Mr. Topp is in love with _her_? (_Sighs._) Ah, well! I _did_ think he admired me and then his asking me to write about dear Twiggsie and Dixie. But I just couldn’t write _all_ about them, they’re so charming. To tell him in a confidential way will be much nicer. Pa is sure to bungle matters. Men always do. I must see Mr. Topp and make sure of this golden opportunity for my precious boys. If he should marry, perhaps he wouldn’t want to adopt twins. No, of course not. How absurd. Oh, dear, what a complication! What shall I do?

_ENTER MRS. DUBBLEDAM, R._

MRS. D. Goot mornin’ lady. You waits for sompody?

MRS. T-K. I want to see Mr. Topp.

MRS. D. Yes, peesness?

MRS. T-K. _Very_ urgent business.

MRS. D. Urchent! Dot will be of great importance, aint it? Mr. Topp comes sometimes home pretty guick, an’ sometimes he comes later. He haf his lunch at one o’clock. What was your peesness? Some togs?

MRS. T-K. Dogs! No, indeed! I have business of great importance.

MRS. D. Togs was of much importance by some peoples. One woman brought a leetle tog under each arm. When I told her Mr. Topp would kill tem she got mat like fury an’ says she, I yoost like to see him try dot.

MRS. T-K. I don’t like dogs.

MRS. D. Den you yoost agree mit Mr. Topp. He can’t pear mit togs an’ goats an’ such animals like dot.

MRS. T-K. I admire his taste! Oh, I think he is such a fine gentleman.

MRS. D. Lady, he is fine like golt. He has one heart so big as dot. (_Holds hands enclosing space to show great size._) He treats me yoost like his mother.

MRS. T-K. Oh, go on, I love to hear you talk of him!

MRS. D. So? Well, he was gweer sometimes. He got a notion of twins?

MRS. T-K. (_With interest._) Yes?

MRS. D. One day he say right out sudden like, “Mrs. Tuppletam, we must haf some twins.” For tree days I tink about dot an’ by myself I make nodings out. Dot was a Chinese puzzle. Mr. Topp he say one day he was goin’ to _adopt_ dem twins. Den it was all glear an’ I say what a kindness in dot heart.

MRS. T-K. I could listen to you all day.

MRS. D. Ach, so? Shall you listen all day? Come in my room an’ we can talk more quiet.

MRS. T-K. Thank you, I will. (_Exeunt R._)

_ENTER TOPP, L._

TOPP. (_Solus._) I said I’d never be a fool again, but I am. Ah! what a face! What a figure! And that smile! Yes, Topp, old boy, you’re in love again for the first time in twenty years. The sensation isn’t bad either. In fact, it is delightful. I feel young again. Didn’t I knock that old chap out easily. Stay! that was _her_ father, that was an indiscretion. I must apologize handsomely. But “the course of true love never did run smooth.” I think I’m no bad match. (_DUBBLEDAM and MRS. T-K. appear in door, R._) My figure isn’t so bad! Nor my hair! Nor my complexion, thanks to abstemious living! (_Adonis, business before glass. MRS. D. knocks two or three times, R., finally enters. MRS. T-K in door._) Ah, you there, Dubbledam? (_Confused._) What do you want?

MRS. D. Eeef you please, Mr. Topp, I knock two three times already.

TOPP. Very well. What is it?

MRS. D. A lady who haf peesness important. (_DUB. retreats R._)

TOPP. (_Adjusting articles on secretary, without looking at her._) Some charity, I suppose. Madam I have already given all I can afford for the present.

MRS. T-K. (_Smiling._) Pardon me, you told me to call again or write.

TOPP. (_Looks up, recognizes her, comes down C._) Oh, so I did! (_With decision._) But I said _write_. I have no time for interviews.

MRS. T-K. Writing is impossible. Twiggsie and Dixie are _so_ charming. I’m sure if you only saw them!

TOPP. (_Aside._) Dogs again! (_Curtly._) Madam I don’t want them.

MRS. T-K. But you haven’t seen them.

TOPP. I tell you I won’t look at them.

MRS. T-K. But you told me to call or write!

TOPP. (_Annoyed._) The same old story. You’ve called and lost valuable time and car fare. You shan’t lose anything by me! (_Produces wallet._) There’s twenty dollars! (_She starts. He thrusts money in her hand._) I’ll take them! (_Calls._) “Dubbledam.” (_DUB. appears R._) Tell Potts to drown them in the fish pond.

MRS. T-K. (_Screams._) Drown them! Oh, sir! My precious darlings! Oh, oh!—the brute! (_About to swoon. TOPP catches her. He is greatly embarrassed._)

TOPP. Help! Dubbledam! Here’s a pretty row. And all about some puppies.

MRS. T-K. (_Suddenly recovering._) Puppies, sir! Do you insult me? Who said dogs?

TOPP. You did, madam.

MRS. T-K. Never! I was talking about my dear, darling twin boys, Twiggsie and Dixie.

TOPP. Whew! Another affair truly! (_Aside._) A fine woman, too! (_Begins to laugh; MRS. T-K. and DUBBLEDAM join._) Madam, this is a most ludicrous situation. I beg your pardon.

MRS. T-K. Oh, pray don’t mention it.

TOPP. I beg a thousand pardons. How ludicrous, to be sure! Madam, I am very sorry, but I may add that I do not think now of adopting twins!

MRS. D. Vot! No twins alretty!

TOPP. No, Dubbledam. I’ve changed my mind. In short, I might as well tell you now to put the house in order. I’m going to marry!

MRS. D. Marry! Mine cracious!

MRS. T-K. (_Starts._) Marry! Then I suppose I may at least—(_Embarrassed, stops._)

TOPP. Congratulate me? Yes. The prettiest little blonde (_or brunette, as case may be; here describe ANGIE._) imaginable.

MRS. T-K. (_Aside._) Angie! she was right. (_To T._) I congratulate you. I—yes, I hope you’ll be happy.

TOPP. Thank you. Dubbledam, show the lady out. I wish you a very good day, madam. (_Exeunt MRS. D. and MRS. T-K. L._) What a ridiculous misunderstanding. Pshaw, who cares! Love rises superior to misunderstandings. (_Hums snatch of song._) I’m too happy to be annoyed at anything, and, hold on—am I too happy for it to last? In the bright dictionary of youth—

_ENTER GIN. L. Showing in MR. TWIGGS._

GIN. (_Announces._) Mr. Twiggs.

TWIGGS. I beg pardon for the interruption. You were speaking of the _lexicon_. Lexicon, permit me, sir, is the better word. Nothing like it to polish up orthography.

TOPP. (_Coming forward._) Mr. Twiggs, I owe you an apology. That little affair at your house was highly censurable, I assure you. Do you forgive me?

TWIGGS. Of course! It _was_ a little brusque, but nobody was hurt. You took me by surprise, but I’ll put on the gloves with you any time that suits your convenience.

TOPP. (_Grasping his hand._) Don’t think of such a thing, sir. At your age—

TWIGGS. At my age—do you think I’m as ancient as the pyramids?

TOPP. I beg pardon! (_Confused, aside._) I must be more guarded.

TWIGGS. All right, Topp! (_Aside._) I’ll have to play _old_ man if he is to be my son-in-law.

TOPP. It is all forgotten. The hatchet is buried.

TWIGGS. (_Grasping TOPP by hand._) My dear boy, the hatchet is in the bottom of the bay. (_They shake._)

TOPP. Then, to proceed to the point directly. I’m a man of few words. I want to pay my addresses to your daughter.

TWIGGS. Exactly!

TOPP. It is understood?

TWIGGS. It is.

TOPP. And there is no obstacle?

TWIGGS. None that I know of.

TOPP. Thank you. Excuse my apparent haste. You were a young man yourself once.

TWIGGS. Unquestionably.

TOPP. And you can appreciate a young man’s feelings.

TWIGGS. To a dot.

TOPP. Thank you. Thank you. (_Clasps his hand._) We can arrange details at our leisure.

TWIGGS. Yes, plenty of time for that. The details will take care of themselves.

TOPP. The preliminaries were soon settled.

TWIGGS. Yes, though I happen to think of one preliminary that might be a little clearer. Which one of my daughters do you mean?

TOPP. (_Astonished._) What! Which one (_Pause_)—have you several?

TWIGGS. Only two, sir. Will you be kind enough to specify the lady by name?

TOPP. (_Puzzled._) Let me see! (_Looks for note book in pocket._) Really I can’t recall her name. (_Cannot find book._)

TWIGGS. Ah, I see—memory not so good as formerly. (_Aside._) Another break, hang it!

TOPP. You are mistaken, sir, it is the confusion of love. You said you could appreciate a lover’s feelings. (_Can’t find note book._)

TWIGGS. Of course, beg pardon. (_Aside._) If I succeed I’ll be the first on record.

TOPP. Stay, I have an idea.

TWIGGS. (_Aside._) Returning reason. (_To T._) Let’s have it.

TOPP. She knows.

TWIGGS. Of course, why didn’t we think of that sooner.

TOPP. (_Laughs._) Certainly! She knew it before I did, the sly puss.

TWIGGS. But hold on! What if she won’t tell? Don’t you think it would be rather embarrassing for the lady to speak her mind first?

TOPP. Quite right you are. Now I have it, I’ll describe her.

TWIGGS. That is a practical idea.

TOPP. She is tall.

TWIGGS. They are both tall.

TOPP. And good looking!

TWIGGS. (_With slight bow._) Our family is noted, sir, for the comeliness of it’s female members.

TOPP. Her smile is simply enthralling!

TWIGGS. Exactly! But allow me to remark that you are a single man and do not know the power of the female smile as a social lever, especially when a new bonnet or a new gown is its focal point. You must try again, sir.

TOPP. (_Hesitates._) Her eye is like the gazelle’s.

TWIGGS. Gad, sir, yours _is_ a bad case. Allow me to suggest that you name the color of the aforesaid optic, or better still the color of her hair? By the way have you a lock of her hair?

TOPP. A lock of her hair on one day’s acquaintance! (_Remonstrates._) Oh, sir, you wrong your child.

TWIGGS. Excuse me, no offense, but a plain old father like me can’t be supposed to keep tally on all the innings of an affair like this.

TOPP. No, of course not.

TWIGGS. Do you happen to remember the color of said hair?

TOPP. Yes, golden.

TWIGGS. Oh, yes, some call it _red_! I’ll speak to Angie.

TOPP. (_Eagerly._) Angie, that’s her name.

TWIGGS. And, as lovers are usually impatient, I’ll attend to the matter immediately.

TOPP. I’ll be very grateful. (_They go, L._) I’ll show you out myself, sir. Good day. (_They shake hands. Exit TWIGGS, TOPP goes up R._) Well, that matter is in pretty good shape. A bad beginning makes a good ending.

_ENTER GINGER, showing in TICK, L._

GIN. Mr. Tick! (_Exit GINGER, L._)

TICK. (_Aside._) It’s risky, but I’ll try it. (_To TOPP._) Mr. Topp! (_TOPP doesn’t hear._) Mr. Topp!

TOPP. (_Turning._) Sir?

TICK. I called in relation to a matter of mutual interest.

TOPP. You are the individual who called before and spent an hour, on pretense of business, in listening to my private affairs and reading my letters. Your interest in my affairs is altogether too great.

TICK. (_Brusquely._) Allow me if you please, _this is_ business. I come with a message from her. (_Crosses to C._)

TOPP. From whom, pray?

TICK. You know well enough who. She declines the honor.

TOPP. Do not speak in riddles. To whom do you refer?

TICK. To Miss Twiggs, of course.

TOPP. (_Furious._) Why you monkey, who are you? Her father has just been here. (_Getting angrier._) You are insulting. I’ll have Potts kick you down stairs. (_Rings bell._) Where is that lazy niggro?

_ENTER SPRATT hastily followed by GINGER, L._

TOPP. (_Facing TICK._) Who are you anyway?

SPRATT. I can tell you! An imposter. Your rival who traduces you.

TOPP. (_Sneeringly._) My rival! That man! Fiddlesticks!

SPRATT. He has traduced you, sir. He called you names. I’ll leave it to Mr. Ginger.

GIN. (_Grinning._) Yis, sah.

TOPP. What did he say, Potts? (_TICK tries to catch GINGER’S eye. Pantomime of giving coin. TOPP severely._) Now look here, Ginger! What ails you? What did he say?

GIN. I’m tryin’ to think of the word. It’s powerful long. A deceptive octagon, sah, that’s it.

TOPP. Eh! What’s that?

GIN. A—de—um—that’s what I said.

SPRATT. A decrepit octogenarian, that was the epithet.

GIN. Dat’s it! A decreptive octogon—narium.

TOPP. (_To TICK._) Why, sir, this is infamous! This is actionable. The law sir—bother the law’s delays. I’ll call you out, sir.

TICK. To take a drink?

TOPP. (_Thunders._) To take a drink? No, sir. To the field of honor, sir, at thirty paces.

TICK. (_Starts._) That’s a pretty small field.

TOPP. Say forty paces then, I’m not particular. I demand satisfaction.

TICK. I always try to give my customers satisfaction.

TOPP. Confound your customers. (_TICK laughs heartily._) What are you laughing at, sir? (_TICK laughs again. Shaking his fist at TICK._) Don’t provoke me! I cannot answer for the consequences. Commercial affairs have no place in an affair of honor.

TICK. My customers tell me that frequently. (_Laughs._)

TOPP. May the devil take your customers from first to last. (_TICK laughs immoderately. TOPP furious._) If you don’t stop your laughing, I’ll knock every tooth out of your head.

SPRATT. His conduct is very ungentlemanly.

TOPP. In the extreme! In the extreme! I can’t fight _him_. He is no gentleman.

TICK. (_Aside._) Indeed! I’ll try a bluff. (_To TOPP._) I insist on fighting.

TOPP. You insist! I’ll accommodate you, sir, if the code will possibly allow it. To begin, sir, you are in trade. Old honorable house, may I ask? (_TICK laughs._) You are laughing again, young man. To judge by your conduct the house is scarcely respectable. (_TICK laughs immoderately. TOPP jerks off coat._) Now, sir, take your choice. Stop laughing or be knocked down without ceremony.

TICK. I beg pardon! My laugh goes off very easy. It’s a hair-trigger laugh.

TOPP. Don’t let it go off again. I warn you. Head of house or member of firm?

TICK. Neither! Traveling salesman.

TOPP. Traveling salesman! That would never do. (_To SPRATT._) Would it?

SPRATT. Never!

TICK. But I insist!

TOPP. (_To SPRATT._) He insists. Is there no way of accommodating him?

SPRATT. I suggest you make him give up all pretentions to the young lady and then boot him out of your house.

TICK. Boot me out of the house. Well, that’s cheek enough for an office seeker, you puppy!

SPRATT. Puppy! Dare you call me puppy? I’ll— (_Makes toward TICK. TOPP prevents him._)

TOPP. Stay, restrain your impetuosity. Your only remedy is to call him out after I have done with him. As for booting him out of the house, no gentleman could so deport himself toward another gentleman. Do you think I could stain my honor by kicking him?

SPRATT. No, it would not do. Let the nigger kick him.

TICK. Gentlemen, this waiting is a bore. (_Theatrically._) To fight or not to fight, that’s the question.

TOPP. Permit me one more question. Are you wholesale or retail?

TICK. Wholesale only.

TOPP. Ah, that is better! And your house I have no doubt _is_ of high standing. Doubtless A1 in the books? (_TICK laughs immoderately. TOPP advances furiously shaking his fist at TICK._) Mr. Spratt, restrain me, or I _will_ knock him down, in spite of the code. I see nothing to laugh at. An affair of honor is a serious affair, I’d have you understand. Perhaps this is your first.

TICK. It is.

TOPP. Then you shall have a new experience. You may consider it settled.

TICK. (_Frightened._) Do you insist?

TOPP. Certainly, sir! Consider it settled.

TICK. But, my dear sir, all these objections—

TOPP. Are waived, sir. Choose your second. Mr. Spratt, will you favor me by arranging details on my part?

SPRATT. With pleasure!

TICK. (_Aside._) Good Lord! I’m in for it.

TOPP. (_To TICK._) Call a friend!

TICK. Say the undertaker. I object.

TOPP. It is too late to object, sir. Choose your _second_. The undertaker will make a good _third_.

TICK. Are you trying to scare me! I can’t be bluffed!

TOPP. Oh, certainly not.

TICK. I’d as soon fight as eat, but—ah—I’ll be magnanimous. I’ll spare you.

SPRATT. That’s cool.

TOPP. Sir, this is additional provocation. I insist on fighting.

TICK. But think of the loss to your business if you should fall.

TOPP. (_Getting angry._) Mr. Spratt hasten the details, I am anxious to teach this young man a lesson. I suggest Blackberry Hill. There is no other such spot near Baltimore. (_To TICK._) It is a beautiful spot.

TICK. I don’t doubt it.

TOPP. There I had the pleasure of acting as second for the Hon. Kidwell Kroup in his great duel with Major Brocklestein. The major winged my man first fire, but it was a beautiful affair gentlemen, beautiful. A few years later, I had the pleasure—excuse me for being personal—of meeting there myself, Col. Hicksby Snodgrass, C. S. A. And the Colonel wears only one arm since that hour.

TICK. (_Groans._) Very cheerful, indeed!

TOPP. Delightful, I assure you. So choose your second and we’ll have the whole affair over before the authorities get wind of it.

TICK. I shall be delighted to hasten matters. (_Whispers aside to GINGER._)

TOPP. (_To SPRATT._) Now, my dear sir, I leave all to you. Use expedition. (_To GIN._) Show the gentlemen out. (_Exeunt SPRATT and TICK, L._) Ah, well this may be serious after all. But it is only an incident and the true gentleman lives in an atmosphere of incidents. I’ll write her. Bless her little heart, honor demands that I do and dare for her like a knight of old. (_Sits at table to write._) “My dear Miss Twiggs”—No, that is too formal—“My dear Angie”—how does that sound?—that’s a little familiar possibly for one day’s acquaintance. (_Tears up sheet of paper with each change._) How about the _my_—well I guess I’m sure enough of the _my_. But “My dear Angie” is too long. I’ll try “Dear Angie.” That’s better, but why not make it stronger? Women feed on compliment and are taken by audacity in love. As old Horace advised I’ll plunge “in medias res.” So here goes: “Sweet Angie”—that’s better. But that is not enough. How very inadequate language is to portray all the delightful sensations of new born love. (_Thinks._) “Sweet Angie—My Pet”—that’s the thing—“This will inform you that I cannot see you again to-day. A little affair” (_Pause._) _affair_—I wonder if that will alarm her? No, women admire courage—“An affair of honor requires immediate attention. Shall see you soon. May I close with a kiss?”—that’s a little bold—“a sweet, sweet kiss?” There you are, that’ll please her. “Au revoir and a final sweety—sweety kiss.” You can’t put too much of the sweet business into an affair with a young lady. You must love them distractedly, or you’ll never please them. (_Sighs._) How shall I sign it? Cadwalader Topp is too formal. I’ll risk it. It sounds more affectionate. “Caddie,” that used to be my pet name. While I’m about it I’ll just say “Your Caddie.” There you are! (_Seals and addresses. Rings bell._)

_ENTER GIN. R._

GIN. Ring, sah?

TOPP. Deliver this at once. Now for the preparations. (_Strikes attitude, right hand gestures._) Wait not when honor calls but hasten to the field, lest tardiness should prove an added stain. (_GIN. stands astonished, then vanishes just as T. turns._)

QUICK CURTAIN.