Chapter XX: Newspapers in 1999

They are still progressive and enterprising as ever and constitute
one of the bulwarks of American liberties. The Pneumatic tube
postal service and swift delivery of mails. Four daily deliveries
of mail between Manhattan and San Francisco. A Submarine Railway
Accident. A Marine Spider Crippled. Returns to Babyhood. Buying
up Titles.

It is the proud boast of America that as a nation it possesses a larger per centage of people who can read and write than any other nation on the habitable globe. Our excellent system of free schools and the avalanche of newspapers that find their way into every home, at a mere nominal cost, have vouchsafed a general diffusion of knowledge throughout our great Republic, filling every branch of art, industry, and every profession with men and women of brains and intelligence.

The force and power of the newspapers in America in 1899, the perfect liberty of [Safeguards of Liberty.] the press, were regarded in that year as guarantees of public safety, mighty levers in forming public opinion. In 1999 the newspapers of the period had lost none of the prestige and influence they enjoyed in the old days of sail boats and steam engines. They were still handled in many instances with consummate skill and wielded a power that built, as well as shattered, governments.

In current topics and in the chronicles of events, there existed a marked difference between the newspapers of 1899 and those of 1999. New elements and conditions had come into play which were unknown in the period of the nineteenth century, and as a natural result the newspaper of the twentieth century contained some curious and interesting articles.

In 1899 the daily that got out a morning and evening edition was regarded as an up to date affair in every sense of the term, but in 1999 the newspaper world moved much faster. In a large daily office four complete editions were issued every day or once every six hours. The news poured into these daily offices with marvelous speed. Wireless telegraphy and ærial navigation annihilated space. On the other hand, newspaper and letter mails in 1999 were conveyed through much swifter channels.

The postal pneumatic tube system constructed by the American government was [Very Rapid Mail Deliveries.] a marvel of the twentieth century. There extended from Washington, (Mexico), a network of underground and overground pneumatic tubes reaching throughout the Americas, penetrating all the Northern, Central and Southern States, from the State of Alaska to the State of Argentina. Mail deliveries made through these pneumatic tubes were exceedingly rapid. No electrical transit or any method of ærial navigation could equal the rapid delivery of the pneumatic tubes. The mail pouches were forced through these large tubes and delivered at all the principal cities in a very short space of time. Mails from Manhattan to Washington, the seat of the national government in the State of Mexico, traversed the distance in less than two hours. From Mexico to the State of Argentina, as well as the Southwestern American States of Peru and Chile, the mail transit in 1999 required but a few hours in delivery,--in 1899 it was a question of weeks. Even ærial navigation in 1999 was found too slow to convey and deliver the mails. The pneumatic tube system was even swifter, and with such facilities at hand it is not surprising that people in San Francisco received four daily editions of the Manhattan journals, although the distance between Sandy Hook and the Golden Gate is a matter of 3,600 miles.

The subjoined clippings from the Electrical Times, of Thursday, August 20, 1999, [The Editorial Blades of 1999.] will give the reader a general idea of the newspapers style and matter of that period. It will be observed that the noble race of beings known as editors and newspaper reporters was by no means extinct in 1999. The subtle art of telling wonderful stories and the science of making American newspapers the foremost in the world, had been inherited by the children of 1999 from their lively ancestors of 1899.

In 1899 Yankee genius and enterprise was conspicuous in the newspaper line. It led the world. The latest and the best always found their way into American print.

FAILED TO BEAT THE RECORD.

How the Glimmerglass Failed to Cross the Atlantic in Two Days.

Liverpool, Eng., Aug. 20, 1999.--The new electrical ship
Glimmerglass arrived here at 12:30, having made the ocean trip from
Manhattan (formerly known as New York) in two days, eight hours
and thirty-seven minutes, within twenty minutes of the swiftest
time ever made by a wholly equipped electrical vessel. But for
a storm of twenty hours out, the record would have undoubtedly
been beaten. Owing to a break in the wind-counteracting engines,
the storm in the locality of the ship could not be stilled and
for over an hour the passage was very rough. The counteractors
were finally put in motion and the Glimmerglass regained several
lost hours, but the odds were too greatly against it. An attempt
will be made to break the return record.

SUB-MARINE RAILWAY ACCIDENT!

Wreck of a Train in the English Channel Tube-way.

London, England, Aug. 20, 1999.--Passengers on the Dover & Calais
Sub-Marine Electric railway train No. 44, arrived at Dover in a
state of decided fright this morning. The sub-marine system runs
directly under the English channel, the trains on the line of this
company running through huge cylinders. At a point midway in the
channel one of the inverted rails, owing probably to defective
mechanism, had snapped in twain and the train, which was going
at a high rate of speed, flew from the track.

Two carriages were overturned and the engineer was killed by
being thrown violently from the cab. The passengers were forced
to remain in the tube for an hour. Several in the overturned
carriages were injured but none seriously.

MARINE SPIDER CRIPPLED.

Four of Her Legs Broken En Route to South Carolina.

Charleston, S. C., Aug. 20, 1999.--The marine spider, Nautilus,
arrived here in bad shape from Brazil to-day, one of her fore
legs having been broken. The Nautilus is one of the fleet of the
South American Importing and Exporting Company, and was built
at Charleston two years ago. The boats in this fleet were built
on the principle of an insect, it being an established fact that
a body can be carried over water much more rapidly than through
it. The spiders were fashioned after the manner of a centipede,
the feet being bell shaped and connected with a superstructural
deck by ankle-jointed pipes, through which, when necessary, a
pressure of air could be forced down upon the enclosed surface
of the water. The locomotion is like that of a pacing horse and
great speed can be maintained. The marine spider had for its
inventive source a treatise on its possibilities written by John
Jacob Astor as early as 1894.

AMERICOMANIACS.

They Cause Much Distress in the Loyal British Heart.

London, Aug. 20, 1899.--Americomania is to far prevalent in
this city that the deepest resentment is aroused in every loyal
British heart. Since the widespread abolishment of titles and the
very general purchase of historic castles and country seats by
wealthy Americans, the foreign element has been a serious menace
to English society, which has been for fifty years controlled by
the descendants of United States heiresses who married titles.

London swells are adopting the early western custom of wearing
their trousers in their boots as a distinctive touch to their
morning costumes and the sombrero is also being sold by leading
hatters. Young debutantes are cultivating the unaffected manners
of American girls, and many ambitious mothers are going so far
as to send their daughters to Manhattan, Denver and San Francisco
boarding schools.

MESSAGE FROM MARS.

Alarm Lest the Americans Shall Gain a Foothold There.

Galveston, Texas. Dec. 21.--The meteoric message which has been
expected from the planet Mars for several days, and which the
astronomers located on Pikes Peak, Colorado, left Mars over two
years ago, dropped in the bay off here to-day, striking the water
with a sizzling sound. It was still quite hot when picked up and
the metallic covering had to be broken up with an oceanic pile
driver. The message was written on asbestos paper in non-fading
ink, and a crude translation of it conveys the information
that the high ruler of the combined continents of Mars died of
gastronomic fright two years ago last November while watching an
American Thanksgiving day celebration. He predicted before his
death, that if the Americans ever got a foothold on this planet,
they would ruin the incomparable digestion of every resident by
the introduction of cranberry sauce, mince pie and plum pudding.

AIR SHIP MISSING.

The Star Chaser is Ten Days Overdue at Tokio.

Tokio, Japan, Aug. 20, 1999.--Transoceanic air ship Star Chaser
has been overdue at this port for ten days. It is feared that
the ship has been caught in an upper ether current and carried
many miles above her course.

As she has not dropped to earth anywhere, there is a strong
probability that she has risen beyond the influence of the earth's
gravitation and been drawn into the orbit of some neighboring
planet. Anxious friends of the passengers are besieging this
office for tidings of the Star Chaser.

RETURNS TO BABYHOOD.

Tragic Transition of an Aged Spinster to a Drooling Infant.

Miss Imogene Elyria of No. 678,431,222 Four Hundred and Sixty-first
street, took an overdose of Florida Age Regenerator this morning,
and was instantly reduced to a squalling infant. Miss Elyria was
a maiden lady 45 years of age, and a few days ago she sent to
Florida for a bottle of the regenerator to take for her complexion
and to reduce her age a few years.

She did not, unfortunately, follow the proper directions, and
one of her sisters, entering her bedroom this morning, found her
reduced to the age of 1 year and crying for her breakfast. She
will be taken to the Oregon age-producing springs, where, it is
hoped, the unfortunate lady may at least recover enough of her
lost years to make her a blushing debutante.

A tragic feature of the affair is the fact that Miss Elyria was
engaged to a wealthy widower, who is heart-broken at the terrible
contretemps.

BUYING UP TITLES.

Extravagant Sums Paid to the Old English Nobility.

London, Aug. 20, 1999.--The English government to-day purchased the
title of Lord Algernon Percy Augustus Dunraven for a mere song,
the consideration being £10,000. This removes one of the oldest
titles existing in modern times and only about twenty remain in
England. Since the law passed by Parliament providing for the
purchase of old titles held by the descendants of the members of
the peerage, as it existed under a monarchy, over £800,000,000
have been spent in buying up these remnants of a semi-civilized
form of government. The highest price ever paid was that for the
abolishment of the name borne by the duke of Argyle, £1,000,000.

Sir Tom Lipton, who will be henceforth known by the republican name
of Thomas Timothy Tubbs, has been reduced to poverty by reckless
expenditures entailed in his enthusiasm for air-yachting, and
it is said that he has spent £40,000 in trying to increase the
speed of his defective atmospheric racer, the Shamrock.

IT STILL INTOXICATES.

Colonel Washburn of Kentucky Prefers Death to Non-Alcoholic Liquor.

Frankfort, Ky., Aug. 20, 1999.--"Foh one I shall not vote to
destroy my Gawd given ancestral privilege to consume liquor,
sah. They may call us uncivilized barbarians, if they will, sah;
they may call down upon our degenerate heads the unbottled wrath
of the universe, but, as for me, sah, give me good old Kentucky
bourbon, or give me death!"

With these words Colonel Henry Clay Washburn concluded his
speech in the upper house of the legislature to-day on the bill
to suppress the alcoholic liquor traffic in Kentucky. For years
the annual legislative battle has centered on this issue.

Gradually state after state has abolished, what many considered
an evil, and in most localities the effects of alcoholic drinks
were destroyed by the chemical discovery which, when applied, made
them non-intoxicating. But the Blue Grass state has remained firm
as a rock, although in modern art and science it has no superior
in advancement in the union. The bill under consideration to-day
was defeated by an overwhelming vote.

The following advertisements, taken from Sidney Record, October 15, 1999, will interest our readers:

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS.

==================================================================
INDESTRUCTIBLE FOOD--Our odorless rubber oysters are all the rage;
cheap and durable; especially adapted to use in restaurants and
at church fairs; will always wear; we refer by permission to
the Ladies' Aid Society of the Church of the United Brotherhood,
which purchased sixteen gallons of our oysters five years ago,
and is using them still; will remain in a stew five hours without
corroding. Perennial Bivalve Company, 149th street.
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LOST--From the upper deck of a suburban airship, a lady's picture
hat; the hat was caught in a whirlwind and is believed to have
landed somewhere near Fort Collins; its return in good condition
will insure a generous financial acknowledgment to the finder.
==================================================================

MISCELLANEOUS.

==================================================================
DON'T GO TO CHURCH--Have one of our kinetophones placed in your
house; connects with all leading churches; you can shut off sermon
whenever you wish. LONG DISTANCE RELIGIOUS COMPANY; factories in
Denver and Brooklyn.
------------------------------------------------------------------
GENTLEMEN--Buy our Breath Deodorizer; fumes of Bourbon, old
rye and lager removed instantaneously: splendid thing for those
contemplating attending evening parties or the theater.
------------------------------------------------------------------
LADIES, READ THIS--Cinderella Shoes will make a No. 6 foot that
requires an E last look like a narrow No. 1; comfortable and
durable; each pair has a patent hypnotizing attachment that
deceives even the most envious and spiteful women who catch a
glimpse of the shoes when worn.
------------------------------------------------------------------
NO HOUSEHOLD COMPLETE WITHOUT ONE--We absolutely guarantee that our
Electric Equalizer will dissipate any domestic storm and insure
harmony in families; so simple that a child can operate one;
so delicate in adjustment that the first angry word sets free a
soothing magnetic current; for sale by every drug store and dry
goods shop. Manufactured by the Anti-Divorce Mercantile Company.
==================================================================

It is not to be supposed that farming, the greatest of all American industries, had not [Farm Hands at a Discount.] made any progress during the twentieth century. Probably in no other field of labor was electricity employed to better advantage. Farm hands in the nineteenth century were as unreliable in some cases as balky horses. The farm owner's distress and nightmare in 1899 was the farm laborer. But in 1999 the "farm hand" was practically done away with. Horses and farm laborers were no longer employed in the cultivation of the land. Electricity was on tap in every part of the farm. Even the milking and stable cleaning was done by mechanical means. In 1899 a farmer who hired all his work done and lived along comfortably on the proceeds [The Dignity of Labor.] of the property, was called by the absurd title of a "gentleman farmer." The farmer who rolls up his sleeves and toils is none the less a gentleman. A gentleman is not always the one who spends a life of leisure and lives on the toil of others. The hard working farmer in many cases proves to be the real gentleman; he dignifies labor and commands the respect of his neighbors.

In 1999 all agriculturalists were "gentleman farmers." Their great slaves were the electrical machines. They never groaned, complained or knocked off work in the busy season to go on an excursion. The electrical farming implements could work all day without sitting under a shade tree, with a jug of cider and a corn-cob pipe. They labored patiently and faithfully and performed their tasks with great accuracy.