Chapter C: F. Adams

LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS--WHAT HE SAYS.

Maype somedimes you don't half szeen
Mine fahder told vhen he vas peen
Szo vild almost as never vas
Mit me; hees Leedle Yawcob Strauss,
Und all apout thdose tings because
Vit me he wasn't haf szome ease,
Nor schmoke hees bipe, nor schleep in peese
Nor eats szome schmall limburger scheese;
Nor dakes hees peer nor saurkraout,
Yen Leedle Yawcob was apout.

Vell now! I shbiel hees lager peer?
Mine gootness! dot ish very queer;
Don't I haf seen him mit his handt,
Tdake vup some glass of lager, andt
Schoost ash he schmell him mit hees eye,
Shbiel him all in hees schtoomach? vy,
He shbiel more lager peer don I,
Andt thden he laff, und dance, und szing,
More like some poys don anythding.

I took der meezles; vell I shbose
Dot thdere vas blenty left of thdose;
I poots der schnuff inder hees kraout,
So it make him don't scheeze so loudt,
I haf der mumps; vot if I is?
Mine vace don't got szer far abart
Nor pe szo pig nor redt as his.

Und thden apout those limburg scheese;
Vell thdere I dhink dot I agrees
Mit him, dot it vos szomevat rouff,
But thden he szay vonce, dat enough
Vas schoost so petter nor a veest,
Und szo I think he kouldn't got
Enough, so scheap und quivck ash vot
He haf mit hees bipe full off dot.

Thdose milk-ban dot I learn to blay,
I get dot drouble in thdis way:
Poot pottom up across my knee,
Schoost ash I szeen him do to me,
I tumps upon him mit ter stdick,
Und make der music pooty qvick;
Vy ish it dot hees hed't vas shblit
Vith sooch a leedle noise, ven it
Don't preak oup mit der noise dot he
Make, ven he tump dot stdick on me?

Put ven I ask apout szome thdings,
Vot make hees nose szo redt, and prings
Der schoomth shbot oudt mitin his hedt;
I shbose dot I shall know apout
All of thdose thdings--ven I findt out,
Und szo I vait avhile, and szee
Vot der next drouble ish to pe,
Und if der meeschiefs thdake this blace,
I brays like vot dot fahder says
Tdake everyding dots in thdis house,
Put leave thdis leedle Yawcob Strauss.

ARTHUR DAKIN.

ISAAC ROSENTHAL ON THE CHINESE QUESTION.

Mr. Rosenthal, who was proprietor of a clothing store in Avenue A, had been mentioned to me as an unusually intelligent German Hebrew, and I met him at the door of his store looking out for customers. As I paused for a moment, he addressed me thus:--

"Gome righd in, mein liebe Herr! Don'd mind dot leedle tog. He vill not pide you. I geeb him to trive avay de bad leedle poy in de sthreed. You like to puy zome very coot glothing? I can zell you dot goat--for--Nein! _Teufel!_ Id is not dot? So! And you vand to speak to me aboud de Shinamen? Vell, I dell you dot you gome yust to de righd blace. You bedder don'd go no furder. You yust gome in de back shtore. You take ein glas bier? you smoke ein gut zigar?--no, not dot--I call him real Havana, bud I make him up-shtairs. I gif you a bedder one as dot. So! I lighd him for you. Now I shpeag mit you aboud dem Shinamen, und you put vat I say in de baber, pecause de bublic ought to know vat bad beoples dey ish. I keeb last year ein kleine shop mit mein bruder--hish name is Zolomon--and ve haf yust as coot glothes as dem dot you zee dere; and von day dere gome in ein, zwei, drei Shinamen, and zay to me, 'How do, John?' and I dell him dot my name ish not John; but he only laugh. Den he zay, 'You got some coot glothes, John? S'pose hab got, mi likee see.' I haf such vay of shpeaking nefer heard, but I can a leedle undershtand, and I t'ink dot he vill not know a coot goad ven he zee id, and I show him some dot ish not of the brime qualidy, and vill not last so long as dot kind as I show you, and I sharge him a coot brice; and he look at him, and dry him on, and I dell him dot id vill him very vell fit. Und den dish great rasgal he say to me dot he has not much money got, but some leedle box of very coot tea, und he make a pargain and shwop mit me. Und I t'ink dot I make mit him a coot drade, und I give him de goat, and dake de dea; and he say, 'Chin chin, John,' and go out, and I don'd never see him no more. Und vat you tink? ven I open dot dea, I find him one inch coot, and below dot, noding but yust rubbish, and some schmall bieces of iron to make him heavy. Und so, mein liebe Herr, you can de reason undershtand dot I like not to have dot Shinese beobles gome to New York."

SCRIBNER'S MONTHLY.

"DER DOG UND DER LOBSTER."

(_From the New York Clipper._)

Dot dog he vos dot kind of dog
Vot ketch dot ret so sly,
Und squeeze him mit his leetle teeth,
Und den dot ret vos die.

Dot dog he vas onquisitive
Vareffer he vas go,
Und, like dot vooman, all der time
Someding he vants to know.

Vone day, all by dot market-stand
Vare fish und clams dey sell,
Dot dog vas poke his nose aboud
Und find out vat he smell.

Dot lobster he vas took dot snooze
Mit von eye open vide,
Und ven dot dog vas come along
Dot lobster he vas spied.

Dot dog he smell him mit his nose,
Und scratch him mit his paws,
Und push dot lobster all aboud,
Und vonder vot he vas.

Und den dot lobster he voke up,
Und crawl yoost like dot snail,
Und make vide open ov his claws,
Und grab dot doggie's tail.

Und den so quick as never vas
Dot cry vent to der sky,
Und, like dem swallows vot dey sing,
Dot dog vas homeward fly.

Yoost like dot dunderbolt he vent--
Der sight vas awful grand.
Und every street dot dog vas turn,
Down vent dot apple-stand.

Der shildren cry, der vimmin scream,
Der mens fall on der ground;
Und dot boliceman mit his club
Vas novare to pe found.

I make dot run und call dot dog,
Und vistle awful kind;
Dot makes no difference vot I say,
Dot dog don't look pehind.

Und pooty soon dot race vas end,
Dot dog vas lost his tail--
Dot lobster I vas took him home,
Und cook him in dot pail.

Dot moral vas, I tole you 'boud,
Pefore vas neffer known--
Don't vant to find out too much dings
Dot vasn't ov your own!

SAUL SERTREW.

"DER WRECK OF DER HEZBERUS."

(_Before Longfellow._)

It vas der goot shkiff Hezberus,
Dot paddled cross der pond;
Und dare vas dare der skibber's gal,
Of whom he vas so fond.

Green vos her eyes as summer peas,
Her cheeks I can't define,
Her boozum brown like pretzel cakes,
Her voice a vereful whine.

Mit pibe in mouth der skibber sat,
Wrabbed in an old pea koad,
Und vatched his daughter koff and shneeze
Ven schmoke got down hur throad.

Den up und spoke der paddle man,
"Look 'ere, let's turn ride back,
A schwan lives 'ere, der peebles say,
Vat likes to peck und hack.

So let's turn back, mein master dear,
Und from this voyage refrain,"
Der skibber blew schmoke oud his pibe,
Und schmiled mit grim dishdain.

Den near und near der shkiff did got
To vare dot schwan hung out;
Until at last, mit telesgope,
Dey shpied his head und snowt.

Vel, down it schwam und schmote der shkiff
Mit all its might und main,
Und made it shump dree times its length,
Und den shump back again.

"Come 'ere, come 'ere! mein leedle gal,
Und do not dremble so,
For I can lick der biggest schwan
Dot you to me can show."

He wrabbed her in his old pea koad,--
His joy, his life, his soul;
Und mit a piece of paper twine
He lashed her to a pole.

"Oh, dad, I hear der dinner bell!
I feel shust like grub-struck."
"Vel, hold yer tongue now, Mary Ann,
Und dry to bear your luck."

"Oh, dad, I see dot schwan again!
He'll eat both you und me;"
But dad he answered not a vord,
For stiff und frized vas he.

Den der goot girl she glasped her hands,
Und through her frost-bit nose
She said, "Now I avake to sleep,"
Dot she might not be froze.

Und dare, through rain and hurrycane,
Und through der schleet und schnow,
Der maiden prayed und begged der schwan
To pick up stakes und go.

But no; he schwam up to der wreck,
Und den der fun began;
He knocked der fellers off der deck,
But left shweed Mary Ann.

He picked und pecked der Hezberus,
Und lashed de pond to foam,
Und made de poor, wee, leedle shkiff
Look shust like honeycomb.

Den by der board der long bean-pole
Und Mary Ann did go;
Und shust like lead der shkiff went down.
Der schwan he roared, Ho! ho!

* * * * *

At break of day, beside der pond,
Poor Mary Ann vas found;
Her form vas cold un frozen stiff,
Und to a bean-pole bound.

SIGNS AND OMENS.

"Hans, what do you think of signs and omens?"

"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I don't pelieve averydings; but I dells you somedimes dere is someding in sooch dings ash dose dings. Now, de oder night I sits und reads mine newspaper, und mine frau she shpeak und say,--

"'Fritz, de dog ish howlin'.'

"Vell, I don't dinks mooch of dem dings, und I goes on und reads mine paper, und mine frau she say,--

"'Fritz, dere is somedings pad is happen--de dog ish howlin'.'

"And den I gets oop mit mineself, and looks out troo de vines on de porch; und de moon vas shinin', und mine leedle dog he shoomp right up und down like averydings, and he park at the moon dat was shine so prite ash never vas. Und as I hauled mine het in de winter de old voman she say,--

"'Mind, Fritz, I dells you dere ish somedings pad ish happen. _De dog ish howlin._'

"Vell, I goes to pet, und I shleeps: und all night long, ven I vakes up, dere vas dat dog howl outside; und ven I dream, I hear dat howlin' vorser ash nefer. Und in de mornin' I kits oop und kits mine _freestick_ (breakfast),--und mine frau she look at me, und say fery solemn;

"'Fritz, dere ish somedings ish happen. De dog vas howl all night.'

"Und shoost den de newspaper comes in, and I opens him; und, by shings! vot you dinks? _Dere vas a man died in Philadelphia!_"

A DUTCHMAN'S ANSWER.

Bill Jones was going to get married a day or two ago, and he forgot whar de minister libed; so he started to find him out, so as to hab him come to de house an' perform de marriage ceremony. So, arter getting along down de road for two or free miles, he became fearful ob gettin' on de wrong track. So he says to a big Dutchman "I say, can you tell me where Mr. Swackelhammer, de preacher, lives?" and de Dutchman said, "Yaw. You just valk de road up to de creek, an' down de pritch over up shtreme, den you just go on till you cum to a road what vinds de woots around a schoolhouse; but you don't take dat road. Vell, den you go on till you meet a pig-pen shingled mit straw, den you durn de road round de field, and go on till you come to pig red house. Den you turn dat house around de barn, and see a road dat goes up in de woots. Den you don't take dat road too. Den you go straight on, and de fust house you meet is a hay-stack, and de next is a barrack. Vell, he don't live dere. Den you will get a little furder, and you see a house on top de hill, about a mile; and you go in dere an' ax de old voman, an' she will tell you bedder as I can."

THE VAY RUBE HOFFENSTEIN SELLS.

"Herman," said a Poydras street merchant clothier, addressing his clerk, "haf ye sold all of dose overgoats vat vas left over from last vinter?"

"No, sir; dere vas dree of dem left yet."

"Vell, ye must sell 'em right avay, as de vinter vill not last, you know, Herman. Pring me one uf de goats and I vill show you somedings about de pisness. I vill dell you how ve vill sell dem out, und you must learn de pisness, Herman; de vinter vas gone, you know, und ve hav had dose goats in de store more as seex years."

An eight-dollar overcoat was handed him by his clerk, and smoothing it out, he took a buckskin money purse from the showcase, and, stuffing it full of paper, dropped it into one of the pockets.

"How, Herman, my poy," he continued," vatch me sell dat coat. I haf sold over dirty-fife uf dem shust de same vay, und I vant to deech you de pisness. Ven de next gustomer comes in de shop I vill show de vay Rube Hoffenstein, my broder in Detroit, sells his cloding and udder dings."

A few minutes later a negro, in quest of a pair of suitable cheap shoes, entered the store. The proprietor advanced smiling, and inquired:

"Vat is it you vish?"

"Yer got any cheap shoes hyar?" asked the negro.

"Blenty of dem, my frent, blenty; at any price you vant."

The negro stated that he wanted a pair of brogans, and soon his pedal extremities were encased in them, and a bargain struck. As he was about to leave, the proprietor called him back.

"I ain't gwine ter buy nuffin else. I'se got all I want," said the negro, sullenly.

"Dot may be so, my dear sir," replied the proprietor, "but I shust vants you to look at dis goat. It vas de pure Russian vool, und dis dime last year you doan got dot same goat for dwenty-five dollars. Mine gracious, clothing vos gone down to noding, and dere vas no money in de pisness any longer. You vant someding dot vill keep you from de vedder, und make you feel varm as summer dime. De gonsumption vas goin round, und de doctors dell me it vas the vedder. More dan nine beoples died roun vere I lif last veek. Dink of dot. Mine frent, dot goat vas Russian vool, dick and hevy. Vy, Misder Jones, who owns de pank on Canal streed, took that goat home mit him yesterday, and vore it all day, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders, und he brought it pack shust a vile ago. Dry it on, my dear sir. Ah! dot vas all right. Mister Jones vas a rich man, and he liked dot goat. How deep de pockets vas, but it vas a leetle dight agross de shoulders."

The negro buttoned up the coat, thrust his hands in the pockets, and felt the purse. A peaceful smile played over his face when his touch disclosed to his mind the contents of the pockets, but he choked down his joy and inquired:

"Who did you say wore this hyar coat?"

"Vy, Mister Jones vot owns de bank on Canal streed."

"What yer gwine to ax fur it?"

"Dwenty dollars."

"Dat's powerful high price fur dis coat, but I'll take it."

"Herman, here, wrap up dis goat fur the schentleman, and throw in a cravat; it will make him look nice mit de ladies."

"Nebber mind, I'll keep the coat on," replied the negro, and pulling out a roll of money, he paid for it and left the store.

While he was around the next corner moaning over the stuffed purse, Hoffenstein said to his clerk:

"Herman, fix up anudder von of dose goats de same vay, and doan forget to dell dem dot Mister Jones vot runs de pank on Canal streed vore it yesterday."

A DUTCH RECRUITING OFFICER.

The reader must picture a stout, big-bellied, short-haired recruiting-officer, with a blue cap, broad, stiff frontispiece, a short sword, blue uniform a size too small, and a raw customer from "Faderland," with wooden shoes and a long-tailed gray coat. The officer was after recruits for a German regiment, and thus went for his susceptible countryman:--

"Lo, dere, Hans! Be dat you?"

"Yaw."

"Come me to be a sojer man."

"Nein!"

"Yaw, come. It be so nice!"

"Nein! I gets shoots."

"Nix. Py tam! it is better as good. It been foon all de vile. You enlists mit me, you gets nine hundred dollars bountish."

"So?"

"Yaw. And you gets such nice clothes as never vas. Shust look at me."

"So?"

"Yaw. And in the morning, ven de trum peets, dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come an' git your schnapps mit him."

"So?"

"Yaw. And purty soon, bime by, de trum peets again, and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come eat some sourkrout un sausage mit him, py dam!"

"So, mynheer?"

"Yaw, it ish so. Den purty soon, bime by, de trum peets, an' dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to ride mit him in der carriage to see your vrou or your Katrina. And den you rides mit him all over de city mit him, and no costs you one tam cent. And bime by de trum peets, and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and schmoke a bipe mit him! And den bime by, purty soon, right away, de trum peets de tuyful, and dat ish de gurnel's gompliments to come and get you nine hundred tollars bountish, I tinks, but guess not, py tam!"

"Yaw! So goot?"

"Yaw! And den de General and Bresident shake hands mit you, and you eat krout mit de Bresident's vrou, and shust live like one fighting rooster, by tam! And den in a little wile you say der Bresident be one nice man, and you gets another hundred tollars bountish; and de Bresident makes one grand general mit you, purty soon I guess, but I tink not. You go mit me?"

"Yaw!"

DOT BABY OFF MINE.

Mine cracious! mine cracious! shust look here und see
A Deutscher so habby as habby can pe!
Der beoples all dink dot no prains I haf got;
Vas grazy mit trinking, or someding like dot:
Id vasn't pecause I trinks lager und vine;
Id vas all on aggount off dot baby off mine.

Dot schmall leedle vellow I dells you vas qveer;
Not mooch pigger roundt as a goot glass of peer;
Mit a bare-footed hed, und nose but a schpeck;
A mout dot goes most to der pack off his neck;
Und his leedle pink toes mit der rest all combine
To gif sooch a charm to dot baby off mine.

I dells you dot baby vas von off der poys,
Und beats leedle Yawcob for making a noise.
He shust has pecun to shbeak goot English too;
Says "Mamma" und "Papa," und somedimes "Ah, goo!"
You don'd find a baby den dimes oudt off nine
Dot vas qvite so schmart as dot baby off mine.

He grawls der vloor ofer, und drows dings aboudt,
Und poots eferyding he can find in his mout;
He dumbles der shtairs down, und falls vrom his chair,
Und gifes mine Katrina von derrible sckare.
Mine hair shtands like shquills on a mat borcubine
Ven I dinks off dose pranks off dot baby off mine.

Dere vas someding, you pet, I don'd likes pooty vell,--
To hear in der nighdt dimes dot young Deutscher yell,
Und dravel der ped-room midout many clo'es,
Vhile der chills down der shpine off mine pack quickly goes:
Dose leedle shimnasdic dricks vasn't so fine
Dot I cuts oup at nighdt mit dot baby off mine.

Vell, dese leedle schafers vas going to pe men,
Und all of dese droubles vill peen ofer den:
Dey vill vear a vhite shirt-vront inshtead off a bib,
Und vouldn't got tucked oup at nighdt in deir crib.
Vell, vell, ven I'm feeble, und in life's decline,
May mine oldt age pe cheered py dot baby off mine!

DOT LEETLE TOG UNDER DER VAGON.

"Coom, vife," says goot oldt farmer Gray,
"Git on your tings: dot's markets-tay.
Ve'll go so quick vot ve can to town,
Und pack again 'fore dot sun coomes down.
_Shpot!_ No: ve'll leave oldt Shpot behint."
But Shpot he parked, und Shpot he vhined,
Und soon made out his toggish mind
To shteal avay under dot vagon.

Avay dey vent at a merry pace;
But some sad coomes into dot farmer's face;
Und he said, "Poor Shpot! he did vant to come,
But maype dot's petter he's leaved at home.
He'll vatch de parn, und he'll vatch de cot,
Und keep dose cattles out of de lot."
"I'm not so sure of dot," growled Shpot,
On a dog-trot under dot vagon.

So soon as all dose tings vas sold,
Und he gits his pay in silber und gold,
He shtarted home, a quarter past dark,
Across a lonesomely forest. _Hark!_
A robber shumps from pehind a tree:
"Your money or your life!" says he.
It's a cross-eyed moon, so he don't can see
Dot leetle tog under de vagon.

Den Shpot parked vonce, und vonce he vhined,
Und he grapped dot tief py de pants pehind;
He dragged him down in de mud und dirt;
He teared his coat, likevise his shirt;
Und dot tief in de mud got nearly drowned,
Und he don't could rise pooty kvick off de ground;
So his lecks und arms de farmer bound,
Und histed him into dot vagon.

So Shpot he safed de farmer's life,
Also his money, likevise his vife;
Und now a hero grand und gay,
A silber necktie he vears to-day.
He goes verefer his master goes;
Und you bet he holds pooty high his nose,
Mit lots of frients, und not any foes,--
Dot leetle tog under de vagon.

SCHNITZERL'S VELOCIPEDE.

Hans Schnitzerl made a velocipede,
Vone of dot newest kind;
It didn't hafe no vheel before,
Und der vasn't none pehind.

Aber dere vas vone in de middle, dhough,
Dat's shust as sure as eggs;
Und he shtraddled across dot axle,
Mit de vheel between his legs.

Und vhen he vants to shtart it off,
He paddled mit his feet,
Und soon he made it gone so fast
Dat eferytings he beat.

He took it out on Broadway vonce,
Und shkeeted like de vind.
Phew! how he passed dot fancy schaps!
He leafed dem all pehind.

Dem fellers on dose shtylish nags
Pulled up to see him pass;
Und der Deutschers, all ockstonished, cried,
"Potz tauzand! Vas ist das?"

But faster shtill Herr Schnitzerl flew,--
On, mit a ghastly schmile:
He didn't touch de ground, py Jinks,
Not vonce in half a mile.

So vas it mit Herr Schnitzerl
Und his velocipede:
His feet both shlipped right inside out
Vhen at its extra shpeed.

He falled upon dot vheel, of course:
Dot vheel like blitzen flew;
Und Schnitzerl, he vas schnicht in vacht,
Dot schliced him grode in two.

_Hans Breitmann._

THE LATEST BARBARIE FRIETCHIE.

Id was droo der sdreeds of Fredericksdown;
Der red-hot zun he vas shine him down.

Bast der zaloons all filt mit bier,
Der rebel vellers valked on deir ear.

All day droo Fredericksdown so fast,
Horses, und guns, und sozers bast.

Der rebel flags he shone him out so bridt,
As if, by Jinks! he got some ridt.

Vere vas der Onion flag? Der zun
He look him down not on a vun.

Up jumped dot olt Miss Frietchie den,
Zo oldt by ninescore years and ten.

She grabbed up der old flag der men haul down,
And fasen'd id quick by her nidtgown.

Den she sot by der vindow ver all could see,
Dere vas none vot lofe dot flag so free.

Purty soon come ridin' up Stonewall Jack,
Sittin' from der mittle of his horse's back.

Under him brow he squint him's eyes.
Dot flag! Dot make him great surprise.

Halt! each feller, make him sdill!
Fire! vas echoed from hill do hill.

Id busted der sdrings from dot nidtgown,
But Barbarie Frietchie, she vas around.

She grabbed the flag again so guick,
Und oud of the vindow her arms did sdick.

"Obuse if you would dis olt bald head,
But leave alone dot flag!" she said.

Zo soon, so guick as Jack could do,
He holler him oud mit a face so blue:

"Who bulls a hair oud of dat bald head
Dies awful guick. Go aheat!" he said.

Und all dot day, und all dot nite,
Till efery rebel vas oud of site,

Und leave behind him dot Fredericksdown,
Dot flag he vas sthicken by dot nidtgown.

Dame Barbarie Frietchie's vork is done,
She don't forever get some fun.

Bully for her! und drop a tear
For dot old vomans midout some fear.

MR. HOFFENSTEIN'S BUGLE.

"Mr. Hoffenstein," said Herman, as he folded up a pair of pants, and placed them on a pile, "if you don't haf any objections, I vould like to get from de store avay von efening, und go mit de soldiers to de Spanish Fort."

"Vell, Herman, I dinks you had better keep avay from de soldiers," replied Hoffenstein, "und stay mit de store, because, you know, you don't can put any confidence mit de soldiers--I vill tell you vhy. Von day, vile I vas in Vicksburg during de var, a cock-eyed soldier came in my store mit an old bugle in his hand, und he looks around. I asks him vat he vants, und he buys a couple of undershirts; den he tells me to keep his bundle and his bugle behind de counter until he comes back. After de cock-eyed soldier vent de store out, some more soldiers come in und valk all around, vile dey look at de goods. 'Shentlemens,' I says, 'do you vant anydings?'--'Ve are shust looking to see vat you haf,' said one of dem; und after avile anodder says, 'Bill, shust look dere at de bugle! de very ding de captain told us to get. You know ve don't haf any bugle in de company for dree months.--How much you ask for dot bugle?' I dells dem dot I don't can sell de bugle, because it belongs to a man vat shust vent oud. 'I vill gif you fifty dollars for it,' says de soldier, pulling his money oud. I dells him I don't can sell it, because it vasn't mine. 'I vill gif you one hundred dollars,' he said. Mine gr-r-acious! Herman, I vants to sell de bugle so bad dot I vistles. De soldiers dells me, vile dey vas leaving de store, dot if I buy de bugle from de man vot owns it, dey vill gif me one hundred und dwendy-five dollars for it. I dells dem I vill do it. I sees a chance, you know, Herman, to make some money py the oberation. Ven de cock-eyed soldier comes back he says, 'Gif me my bundle und bugle; I got to go to de camp.' I says, 'Mine frent, don't you vant to sell your bugle?' He dells me no, und I says, 'My little boy, Leopold, vot plays in de store, sees de bugle, und he goes all around crying shust so loud as he can, because he don't get it. Six times I takes him in de yard und vips him, und he comes right back und cries for de bugle. It shows, you know, how much drouble a man vill haf mit a family. I vill gif you den dollars for it, shust to please little Leopold.' De soldier von't dake it; und at last I offer him fifty dollars, und he says, 'Vell, I vill dake fifty dollars, because I can't vaste any more time: I haf to go to de camp.' Afder he goes avay, I goes to de door, und vatches for de soldiers vat vanted de bugle. I sees dem passing along de street, und I says, 'My frents, I haf got de bugle;' und dey say, 'Vell, hang it! vy don't you blow it?' Mine gr-r-acious! Herman, vat you dink? All dem soldiers belong to de same crowd, und dey make de trick to swindle me. Levi Cohen, across de street, he finds it out, und efery day he gets boys to blow horns in front of mine store, so as to make me dink how I vas swindled. Herman, I dink you had better stay mit de store."

FRITZ AND HIS BETSY FALL OUT.

Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and lawful.
My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas awful.
Dere's no use talkin', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I naifer saw;
To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as a
mudder-in-law.
Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty vell,
But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell;
I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay,
Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay.

Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible: I youst took it down vrom der
shelf,--
Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch: you know how dot vas,
yourself,--
Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der lion's den,
Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines den
Vere it says, "Und Daniel got hees back oop--righdt oop against der
vall;
Bud der lions don'd vas shkared--dey didn't do none notting at all."
Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal puzzled;
Und I says, "Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must bin muzzled."

She told me I vas lyin'; dot vas not vot it meant.
I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent;
Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace,
"I vish, py shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees blace."
"Vell," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit Daniel; let heem comb und
lif mit you,
Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy myself better'n
I do!"

Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to shange mit
me?
He vould say, 'Oh, no! I know Baitsy too vell. I vould rather shtay
vere I be.'
She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas goin' to gife
me a douse;
Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alonein der house;
Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und homeshtead.
Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on my aggount: she left my board und
bedshtead.

Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud und pump it.
I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could lump it.
She shoked me oop against der vall, und shut my vindpipe off;
I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head vas off.
Py krashus! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her hands on,
Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head shtands on.
She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der shpine ov
my back.

I lefd her home, und vrom dot day till dees--vor dree veeks--I didn't
comb back.
I dell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot I've endoored,
Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my life enshoored.
Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant to, sir,
Und der more I dink ov Baitsy, der less I dink ov her.

Der virst time I aifer met her, I vas shtruck mit her vinning vay;
Bud now a shange vas tooken blace--I get shtruck in a deafferent vay.
Dot time veil ve got married, she vas a lass een shkool,
Und I vas youst aboudt the same--alas! I vas a vool.

She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I shanced to meet her,
I didn't dought she vould become sooch an orvul oogly creetur;
Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat like der dooce;
Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her jaw vas loose.

Vone day she says, "Shut oop your moudt! your blabbin' all der time!"
I says "I vouldn't do it"--dot's der kind ov a Dootchman I am.
Und den, bevore I knew it, she took me by soorbrise,
Und keeked me oudt der house, sir--righdt bevore my vace und eyes!
I tell you vat it vas, sir, I velt a goot deal put oudt,
To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut my moudt,
Und, because I dought I vouldn't, to keek me oudt der door.
Youst on aggount sooch aickshuns, dot's vy I veel so sore.

I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat vas hoarse;
Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot--she's gettin' vorse und vorse;
Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my only course
To comb here und get your adwice--und also a diworce.

* * * * *

You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled by voman's tongue,
I tell you vat it is, sir, I'm vorse off den Prigham Young.
So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it righdt avay,
Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot she vill say.

Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own,
Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der vorld alone.
Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay,
I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und shtay.
Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick,
Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick.
Remaimber vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense;
Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense.

Dot puts me een mind ov someding dot I can't dink ov now;
I can't remaimber vot I vorget--dot beats all, ainyhow!
Oh! now I've got it--wrode it down, dot ven I'm dead und gone,
Baitsy'll bring back me to her, und bury me een der lawn.
Und on my tombstone let it read, in ledders large und blain,
"Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, and hees vife she is to blame."
Und I hope dot in a veek or two, righdt after I hafe died,
Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by side.

Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, und all der dead shall rise,
Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, and vipe our veeping eyes;
Und den, if it looks doubtful, ve'll shtand righdt dere und vait,
Und ven no vone vas lookin', ve'll shkweeze dru der Golden Gate.

GEORGE M. WARREN.

CUT, CUT BEHIND.

Vhen shnow und ice vas on der ground,
Und merry shleigh-bells shingle;
Vhen Shack Frost he vas peen around,
Und make mine oldt ears tingle--
I hear dhose roguish gamins say,
"Let shoy pe unconfined!"
Und dhen dhey go for efry shleigh,
Und yell, "Cut, cut pehind!"

It makes me shust feel young some more,
To hear dhose youngsters yell,
Und eef I don'd vas shtiff und sore,
Py shings! I shust vould--Vell,
Vhen some oldt pung was coomin' py,
I dink I'd feel inclined
To shump right in upon der shly,
Und shout, "Cut, cut pehind!"

I mind me vot mine fader said
Vonce vhen I vas a poy,
Mit meeschief alvays in mine head,
Und fool of life und shoy.
"Now, Hans, keep off der shleighs," says he,
"Or else shust bear in mind,
I dake you righdt across my knee,
Und cut, cut, cut pehind!"

Vell, dot vas years und years ago,
Und mine young Yawcob too,
Vas now shkydoodling droo der shnow,
Shust like I used to do;
Und ven der pungs coom py mine house,
I shust peeks droo der plind,
Und sings oudt, "Go id, Yawcob Strauss,
Cut, cut, cut, cut, pehind!"

_Charles Follen Adams, in Harper's._

TICKLED ALL OAFER.

The Chief of Police yesterday had a visit from an old farmer living out on the Center Line road, who had a story to tell. After two or three efforts, he began:--

"I vhas goin home, last night, ven I overtakes two men on der roadt. Dose fellers dey laft, und saidt would I gif 'em a ride? I laft, too, und say, 'shump in.'"

"Yes, I understand."

"Pooty queek one feller laft, und saidt he likes Dutchmens, 'cause his uncle vas a Dutchmans. Dot vhas all right, und so I laft, too. I vhas real tickled, und I shakes all oafer."

"Yes."

"In a leetle vhile one feller vhants me to shange a seven-tollar bill, so as he could gif some money to der orphan assylums; und he lafts, ha! ha! ha! Dot tickled me some more, und I lafts too. Den de odder feller, he grabs me py der collar und pulls me down behind, und says dey looks in my pockets for a shteampoat dot vos stolen from Detroit. Dot makes us all laff, like some goot shoke."

"It must have been funny."

"It vhas. Dose fellers took out my wallet and counted oop der monish. I had shust ten tollar; und dey laft, und said dot dey must go on some trips to der seashore mit dot. Dot tickled me some more, und I laft, too."

"Well, what then?"

"Vhell, den dey shumped oud, und put deir fingers on der noses, und says, 'Goot-py, old Dutchmans,' und avhay dey goes like some horse-races."

"And you didn't laugh at that?"

"Vhell, not pooty much. I vhas all ready to, but I shtopped. If dem fellers vhas up to shokes, it was all right; but if they vhas robbers, I vhants you to catch 'em, und gif 'em some pieces of my mind, like dunder. I doan' like somepody to laff at me vhen they doan' feel tickled all oafer."

AN ERROR O' JUDGMENT.

We are a quiet, law-abiding people doon here in Saltcoats. Indeed, I havna seen a polisman for sax weeks, an' trooly when I think o' hoo happy we a' are I'm aye reminded o' the hundred and thirty-third Saum.

Being orderly folk, an' in oor beds at a proper oor, the street-lamps are a' screwed oot every nicht at twal o'clock--an' quite late eneuch tae, for if folk are no hame by that time they should be. Oor gas, I may remark, is cheaper and better than the Glasgow thing; altho' we don't make a great wark aboot it bein' equal ta sae mony "caunle po'er," an' ither nonsense o' that kin'. Bein' savin' folk, moreover, on nichts when the mune's up the lamps are no lichtit at a'. It wad be o' nae use, you see, an' a perfect throwin' awa o' gas. But that brings me to what I was goin' tae say.

The ither nicht, though it wis vera dark, no a lamp was lichtet, a matter that rather bothered the inhabitants. By-an'-by a few o' the principal folk cam' doon tae my place jist as I wis closin', an' after a bit crack we made up oor mind tae gie a ca' on the lamplighter. The reg'lar man wis through at Kirkliston--he's East country himsel', if I don't mistak he belangs tae Manuel--buryin' his wife's auntie; so it wis jist, as ye micht say, a depute-proxy that wis daein' the wark. Weel, we daunnert up tae this depute-proxy's hoose; bit he wis in bed, on' a' oor chappin' at the door couldna rouse him. Seein' this, we borrow't a lether, frae a slater that steys next door, an' twa o' the ithers steadin' it, I crept up the rungs an' twirlt at the window wi' my fingers, singin' a' the time--

O are ye sleeping, Wullie!
O are ye sleeping, Wullie!
O are ye----

"Whit ye oh-in' at?" cries Wullie, comin' tae the window: "a body wid think it wis some lass you were serenadin'."

"Wullie," says I solemnly, "what's this ye hae been daein' at a' at a'?"

"I've been daein' naething but sleepin': it's you that's kicking up the row."

"But ye hivna lichtet the lamps the nicht."

"This is no my nicht: it's the mune the nicht."

"Surely ye've made a mistak, Wullie: there's nae mune that I see."

"I've made nae mistak, for I lookit the almanac."

"But will ye no listen tae reason? Put yer heid oot an' see for yersel'."

Wullie put his heid oot. "Woel," he says, "there's nae mune, certainly; but ye surely widna hae me responsible for that. I go by the almanac; an' if it says there's to be a mune, it's a' one tae me whether there's nae mune or a million o' munes, not a lamp will I licht."

"That's quite richt, Wullie: nae doot ye maun hae some rule to go by--Gentlemen," I cries doon, "he has the best o' the argument: what am I tae dae noo?"

"Haul him oot the window," they cried up.

"Oh! if ye're goin' tae begin fechtin' I'll come doon," I replies, "and let some o' the rest o' ye up." But they cried, that I'd better jist settle it when I wis there, so I says, "Wullie, whit almanac d'ye go by? Is't Orr's, or the Belfast?"

"Here it's up on the mantlepiece, ye can see it for yersel';" and he took it doon, an' held it oot tae me, giein' me a cannle at the same time to read it by. One look, hooever, explained the hale affair. "Gracious guidness, Wullie," I cries, "this is last year's!"

"Eh! what! last year's?"

"It is that," says I.

"Mr Kaye," says Wullie, "don't say another word. Wait a minute, an' I'll put on my troosers, an' in hauf an oor every lamp'll be shinin' sae that ye wid think it wis a general illumination."

He wis as guid as his word; an' we a' accompanied him on his rounds, an' the cheers the laddies gied as each lamp wis lichtet wid 'a' dune yer hert guid. We had a meetin' in the coalree afterwards; an' I proposed that Wullie, for his strict attention tae duty--it was only an error o' judgment he had made, very different frae carelessness--should get the first vacant place we had, at a guid wage; an' the motion wis carried, an' Wullie an' us a' went hame happy.

SOCKERY KADAHCUT'S KAT.

Oh! I had de vorst dime lasd veek dot you effer saw. Katrina (dot vos mine frau) vent avay to make a liddle bicnic, und as I vas been hafin' de shake und agers und didn't feel pooty goot, I shtayed to home.

Vell, as I vas valkin' arount de parn yart, I saw dot same olt plue hen coom out from unter der parn sayin': "Kut, kut, ka-dah-kut; kut, kut, ka-dah-kut," und dot puts me in mint of a shoke dot Katrina mait on me von tay: she sait dot I autto vas bin a olt rooster, cos de hens called me effery dime ven day lait a aigs. Dot vas a pooty goot shoke on me. Vell, as I vas saying, I saw dot olt plue hen coom out from unter de parn, und I tought to myself, meppy dere vas a nest of aigs unter dere; so I pull oud half a tozzen more sdones, und mait a hole so pig as I can crawl unter, und den as I vas crawlin' arount unter a lookin' for some nest mit aigs, all at once I spiet de pootiest liddle kat vat I effer seen; he vas all plack mit vite shtripes, und vas shnuggled ub in a little pall fahst asleeb.

Vell, ve vas bin vantin' a kat because dere vas so many mouses in de house, und I tought uf I kin git dot von I'll make Katrina a little surbrise barty; so I krawl along so sdill as never vas, till I got ub close to him, den I mait a grab und I ketched him by the neck so dot he dont kin pite me; but ach, mine gootness, vat shmell, vorse as a huntred parrels of limburgher! _I tought I had stepped on someding dot vas deat, und proke him mit my knees._ I vas most shoke mit dot shmell; but I held dot liddle kat up close to me und klimb oud so kwick as I can. Ven I got oud in de parn yart, dere vas pig Chake Moser goin' py, und ven he seen me, he sait, "Sockery, you olt deutch fool, vot are you doin' mit dot skunk?"--"Shkunk!" I sait, "I tought dot vas a liddle kat;" und I drop him so quick like he was hot.

Vell, Chake, he laf like he vould kill himself; und I ask him vot I kin do to git me off dot shmell. He sait dot de only ding vas to be perried in de ground till de earth absorp de shmell; und he sait he vould tig de hole und fix me in, if I vish. Vell, I dink dot is very goot of Chake, und I tought if I can get me dot shmell off before Katrina cooms home, I von't say any ding about dot liddle kat to anypody. So Chake dig de hole, und I sit down in it und vas perried up to de neck; den Chake sait he vas in a hurry und he must go to de willage, und he vent avay. Booty soon kwick a fly lite on my face, und I koodn't prush him off, cos my arms vas perried doo; und booty soon more as a hundret flies und effery ding vas krawl all ofer my het, und I shpit and plow, und vink my face dill I tink I vas gone crazy. Bimepy I heart a noise doun de roat, und I looked und dere vas apoud every man, vooman, und shildren in de willage, mit shpades, mit bic-axes, mit shuffles, mit efery dings, und all runnin rite ub de hill to my house; in a minnit more as dwenty vas in der yart, und ven dey see me perried to de chin, und vinkin und shpitten at dem flies, dere eyes shtuck oud more as a half a feet, und Dick Klaus sait, "_Vot vas you doin dere, Sockery?_"

Vell, I see dot dere vas no use drying to keep dot shdill, so I told dem all aboud dot liddle kat; und, my chimminy cracious! you kood hear dem fellows laff more as a mile.

You see dot shackass of a Chake Moser run und told dem in de willage dot dere vas a man perried alive up to Kadahcut's, so of course eferypody coom to git him oud.

Vell, dey tig me oud, und I trow away dem clothes, und vash, und vash; but ven Katrina coom ad nide, I shmell so dot she mait me sleeb in de parn for a whole veek.

I tink I shall moof avay; eferypody vants to know if I vant to py a kat, und I don'd kan shtand dis much longer yet.