Chapter V (1)

Ride a cab horse,
Beyond Charing Cross,
To see any lady get a divorce;
Ring on her finger
Still dully shows;
Will she have music wherever she goes?

[1] _Subaudi, Police Court._

* * * * *

BREACH OF PROMISE

(_Left in the Hall of the Law Courts._)

The gentle genius of the night,
Of course I mean Diana,
Made me dilate with rapt delight
To you, my fair Susanna.
But please don’t think my words were true
The moon played me a sorry trick,
Beneath the sun I write to you,
I merely was a lunatic.
You’ve mulcted me to a pretty tune,
I’ll have revenge--I’ll shoot the moon!

* * * * *

* * * * *

_His Honour._ “H’m! Will you kindly raise your veil. I find it extremely difficult to--h’m--_hear_ anyone distinctly with those thick veils----”]

“Er--er--_thank you!_ SILENCE! I will not have this court turned into a place of amusement!”]

* * * * *

_Discharged with a caution!_]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE BARRISTER’S FAVOURITE HYMN.--“_‘Brief’ life is here our portion._”

* * * * *

LEGAL QUERY. _(From an Earnest Enquirer.)_--“Sir, I have often heard of _‘The Will of the Wisp.’_ Was this will ever proved? Who was ‘the Wisp’? Why so called? Because he was a man of straw? Wisper your answer to me, and oblige yours,

“COLNEY HATCHER, E. I.”

* * * * *

THE GAS COMPANIES’ LAWYER.--Coke.

* * * * *

TWO SORTS OF POLICE.--The Detective--and the Defective.

* * * * *

CRIMINAL QUERY.--Can a prisoner who commits himself, also form his own conviction?

* * * * *

THE LEGAL FRATERNITY.--Brothers-in-law.

* * * * *

LEGAL QUESTION.--What are the “_Benchers_” of our Inns of Court?

Persons so called from their persistent adherence to _legal forms_.

* * * * *

LEGAL “INSTRUMENTS.”--“Soft recorders.”

* * * * *

* * * * *

OLD SAYING (_By our own Detective_).--Professional thieves are notoriously dense, hence the proverbial expression, “_Thick_ as thieves.”

* * * * *

When a leading barrister gets someone to “devil” for him, may the latter’s occupation be correctly described as “devilry”?

* * * * *

The result of going out for a “lark” very generally is, that the last part of the lark you see is the beak.

* * * * *

SITTINGS IN ERROR.--A pew in a Mormonite chapel.

* * * * *

LAW AND TIME.--A “watching brief” must have much to do with second-hand information.

* * * * *

CAUSE WITHOUT EFFECT.--An action resulting in a farthing’s damages.

* * * * *

A “COUNTER-CASE.”--Shop-lifting.

* * * * *

DIAMONDS OF THE CAPE.--Intelligent policemen.

* * * * *

INFORMATION WANTED.--At what time in the morning are barristers called?

* * * * *

“Alleged contempt of court by an infant”]

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

NO JOKE FOR A JURY

O poor jury, boxed, poor jury,
Three weeks odd, each day but one;
Rose impatience not to fury
Ere your weary task was done?

You were special, picked and chosen
For the nonce, were you, indeed.
But had one among your dozen,
Business of his own to heed?

Put an artist on an action,
Or a scribe as juror bind,
How shall that man help distraction,
From his duty, of his mind?

Thoughts of lost employment pressing
He can chase not, nor control
Fell anxiety, distressing,
If it were to save his soul.

If your case needs comprehension,
Litigants, your jury, then,
Must, to give it due attention,
Be composed of leisured men.

Swells in yachts life idly leading,
Fishing, hunting, shooting, who
Might, to work for bread not needing,
Sing, “We’ve got no work to do.”

* * * * *

“One anonymous architect has sent in a frantic design, which the commissioners have not chosen to exhibit.”--_Times_, Feb. 11, 1867.]

* * * * *

MARITIME LAW.--The law of libel does not apply to a “running down” case. The parties are not in the same boat.

* * * * *

QUESTION.--Can a process server legally be said to be a writualist?

* * * * *

QUESTION EVERY MAGISTRATE OUGHT TO ASK HIMSELF BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP.--“I wonder if I have committed myself in any way to-day?”

* * * * *

HOW TO PREVENT A CONSPIRACY FROM LEAKING OUT.--Let the plot thicken.

* * * * *

A MORAL PHENOMENON.--A barrister returning his fee.

* * * * *

BRIEFLESS THEORY.--’Tis practice makes the barrister perfect.

* * * * *

“AFTER YOU,” as the policeman ought to be allowed to say to the bubble-bank director.

* * * * *

LEGAL QUIBBLE.--A barrister should cultivate a good temper, if he would succeed as a cross-examiner.

* * * * *

Mr. Bigwig, the eminent K.C., and his clerk.]

* * * * *

IN A COUNTY COURT.--_Judge (to Mr. Pettiphog, plaintiff’s solicitor)._ I really cannot see that you have proved the defendant’s means.

_Mr. P. (excitedly, to defendant)._ No means! How did you get here, sir?

_Defendant._ I walked.

_Mr. P._ Where did you get the boots to walk in?

_Defendant._ I borrowed them.

_Mr. P. (triumphantly)._ On what security, sir, on what security?

_Defendant._ On the fact that you had taken up the case against me.

[_General merriment. No order._

* * * * *

BRIEF “BAGS.”--Short trousers.

* * * * *

DRINK FOR LAWYERS.--The Wool-sack.

* * * * *

THE POLICEMAN’S LADY-LOVE.--AR(e)ABELLA.

* * * * *

THE JURY STARVATION SYSTEM.--_Q._ What foreign institution does starving a jury approach the nearest to?

_A._ The Diet of Hungary.

* * * * *

_Mr. Brown._ “Oh! You’re sure now you know the gentleman I mean--Mr. Meldon Smith?”

_Mrs. Grimes._ “_Hi_ knows ’im right enough. Wy, I does all ’is washin’ and mendin’ for ’im!”]

* * * * *

_Counsel._ “Do you know the nature of an oath, my good woman?”

_Witness (with a black eye)._ “I did ought to, sir! Which my ’usban’ ’s a Covin’ Garden porter, sir!”]

* * * * *

AN EXPENSIVE CALL TO PAY.--A call to the Bar.

* * * * *

LEGAL INQUIRY.--If I buy a pair of trousers warranted to wear well, and they turn out a failure, should I, on bringing an action for damages, be “_non-suited_,” or could I counterclaim damages for “_breeches of promise_”?

* * * * *

These gentlemen are expected to be in a judicial frame of mind after hanging about the precincts of the court for several days, under penalty of a heavy fine, while their private business in the city and elsewhere is going to the dogs. (Why should not half-pay officers do the work, and relieve busy men?)]

* * * * *

BRIEF AUTHORITY.--A barrister’s.

* * * * *

THE DIVISION LIST.--Divorce Court causes.

* * * * *

CENTRE OF GRAVITY.--A judge in court.

* * * * *

THE BLOCK OF LEGAL BUSINESS.--The wig block.

* * * * *

TO PORTIA AT THE BAR

(“The first lady barrister has just taken the oath at Paris.”--_Daily paper_).

O Portia, many maids there are,
Who wear their wigs as gaily
As thou, appearing at the bar
To take refreshers daily;
They rustle too, in silk like thee
With oft a clerk resplendent
And, not infrequently you see,
Solicitors attendant.

Their trade is legal--so is thine,
Yet not their craft thou pliest,
For they are in the liquor line
And thou in law--the driest.
But welcome, bar maid! hail to thee!
Bright be thy lot and griefless!
And may thy portion never be,
Like this poor writer’s, briefless.

* * * * *

THE EYE OF THE LAW.--Policeman’s bull’s-eye.

* * * * *

MORE THAN A MIRACLE.--When a prisoner is “taken from the dock unmoved.”

* * * * *

SONG FOR MAGISTRATES.--“Let us speak of a man as we’ve fined him.”

* * * * *

“But if you really think Jones has injured you, my dear fellow, why not consult some clever lawyer?”

“_Lawyer_, indeed! With men of _my_ stamp, the only possible reply to a man of Jones’s, is the _horsewhip_, since it can no longer be the _sword_!”]

* * * * *

LEGALISED PROVERBS

Where there’s a will there’s a law suit.

The successful lawyer is a man of actions.

Look before you leap into litigation.

The wise man keeps his own counsel, and the wise counsel keeps his own man.

Many a muddle makes a muckle for the lawyers.

No suit lasts longer than a suit in Chancery.

A conveyancer is never afraid of drafts.

A brief in the hand is worth two in a solicitor’s office.

’Tis better to have fought and lost than to have had no case at all.

Little plaintiffs have large fears.

The good solicitor is known by his good deeds.

Two heads, a leader and a junior, are better than one.

* * * * *

LAW FOR LADIES.--Why ought every lady nowadays to learn the legal doctrine concerning “wrong to the person”?

_Ans._ They ought to _learn_ it because it’s _tort_. (Ask any barrister!)

* * * * *

AT CONSCIENCE’ CALL

[“A POLICEMAN’S CONSCIENCE.--Police-Superintendent Roberts, of Torquay, has won a splendid reputation for impartiality. He even punishes himself for breaches of the law. The other night while cycling home from Brixham his lamp went out, and yesterday he appeared before the magistrate, in response to a summons issued by himself against himself. He said a clergyman spoke to him on the subject, and this brought the offence to his notice. He was fined 5s.”--_Daily Telegraph._]

* * * * *

SONG OF THE SLIGHTED SUITOR

Oh, where, and oh where is my learned counsel gone?
He’s gone to the Queen’s Bench where a case is coming on,
And it’s oh, in my heart, that I wish my case his own.

What fee, and what fee did your learned counsel clutch?
Five guineas on his brief he did not think too much;--
And it’s oh! if he’s a barrister, I wish he’d act as such.

In what court, in what court is your learned counsel found?
I cannot catch him anywhere, of all he goes the round;--
And it’s oh! in my heart, that to one I wish him bound.

What excuse, what excuse can your learned counsel make?
None at all, none at all, but his head he’ll gravely shake,
And it’s oh! in my heart, that the fee he’s sure to take.

* * * * *

CONVERSATION IN CHANCERY LANE.--_Dull Youth._ I say, what’s a legal digest?

_Bright Youth._ Why, you fool, it forms part of the legal course--for instance, every barrister, after he has eaten his terms, has to go through his digest!

* * * * *

A FIRM CONVICTION.--Transportation for life.

* * * * *

BAR GOLD.--Fees to counsel.

* * * * *

* * * * *

In order to husband our judicial staff, in future a judge will be expected to hear two cases at the same time.

Portrait of a judge trying a theatrical _cause célèbre_, and a nice question as to a “remainder-man” and a “tenant in tail male.”]

* * * * *

THE BEST GAME FOR JUNIOR BARRISTERS TO PLAY.--Follow my leader.

* * * * *

WAITING FOR AN ANSWER.--What is the difference between eating your words and eating your terms.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A KNOWING BEGGAR.--A beggar posted himself at the door of the Chancery Court, and kept saying: “A penny please, sir! Only one penny, sir, before you go in!” “And why, my man?” inquired an old country gentleman. “Because, sir, the chances are, you will not have one when you come out,” was the beggar’s reply.

* * * * *

Michaelmas Term--Legal Examination

INTRODUCTORY QUESTIONS.

_Q._ Mention some of the principal law books which you have studied?--_A._. Hoyle’s Laws of Whist, Cribbage, &c. The Rules of the Cricket Club; ditto of the Jockey Club.

_Q._ Have you attended any, and what, law lectures?--_A._ I have attended to many legal lectures, when I have been admonished by police magistrates for kicking up rows in the streets, pulling off knockers, &c.

COMMON LAW.

_Q._ What is a real action?--_A._ An action brought in earnest, and not by way of a joke.

_Q._ What are original writs?--_A._ Pothooks and hangers.

EQUITY AND CONVEYANCING.

_Q._ What are a bill and answer?--_A._ Ask my tailor.

_Q._ How would you file a bill?--_A._ I don’t know, but would lay a case before a blacksmith.

_Q._ What steps would you take to dissolve an injunction? _A._ I should put it into some very hot water, and let it remain there until it was melted.

_Q._ What are post-nuptial articles?--_A._ Children.

CRIMINAL LAW AND BANKRUPTCY.

_Q._ What is simple larceny?--_A._ Picking a pocket of a handkerchief, and leaving a purse of money behind.

_Q._ What is grand larceny.--_A._ The income-tax.

* * * * *

_Second Ruffian._ “Ha!--I flung a woman out o’ the top floor winder; an’ I’ve on’y got three months!”

_First Ruffian._ “Ah, but then _she was yer wife_!!”]

* * * * *

BY A LAW STUDENT IN CHAMBERS

The days are gone when I used to seek
Refreshment and fun in the Henley Week,
But now all that is a thing of the past,
The pace at the time was too good to last.
Farewell to the straws and the flannel shirts,
Farewell to the house-boats, launches, and flirts,
Farewell to champagne cups and cigarettes,
To the gloves and the sweet things lost in bets;
In chambers, alas! I sit and groan,
Slaving, and writing, and waiting alone.
On parchment and paper with pen and ink
I draw the draughts that I cannot drink.
I’ll see if my chief is here … I’ll try.…
He’s off! To Henley?… hem!--So am I!!

* * * * *

_Son._ “Well, I don’t know that I have, sir--unless--hum”--(_ponders_)--“Quesh’n is--as things go nowadays, wouldn’t it be better to leave the property to the other f’llar, and--ah--’ppoint me the trustee?!!”]

* * * * *

THE MODERN CLUTCHES OF THE LAW

(_Fragment from a Criminal Romance_)

The burglar had so far been successful. He had broken open the safe and transferred its contents to his pocket without disturbing the household. He had come down the creaking stairs with less than the customary noise. He was in sight of the street door, which, once opened, passed, and closed, would lead to freedom.

It was a pleasant prospect.

“It will delight my wife and little ones,” he murmured. “With the proceeds of this night’s work I shall be able to take them a trip to the Continent.”

Then he walked forward and opened the street door. In a moment he was seized by mechanical hands, and found himself manacled.

“Confound it!” he cried; “I had forgotten that recently patented novelty--the automatic policeman!”

* * * * *

A sketch in the law courts, showing the patient and respectful attention of the counsel for the plaintiff during the speech of counsel for defendant.]

* * * * *

* * * * *

DIVORCE MADE EASY

DEAR MR. PUNCH,

A writer in the _St. James’s Gazette_, dealing with the subject of the Divorce Laws, calmly proposes that in any revision of the code, which he strongly advocates, “women should be placed on the same footing with men.” Such a pestilent heresy of course provoked correspondence, and, as I have made a careful study of the subject, I beg to submit to you, sir, a few reasonable grounds for divorce, which this reformer will, I hope, include in his precious revised code.

A man should be allowed to obtain a divorce from his wife on all or any of the following grounds:--

1. If he sees anyone he likes better than his wife.

2. If his mother-in-law comes too often.

3. If his wife’s brother borrows money of him.

4. If she objects to his going to Paris without her.

5. If, knowing that he prefers the tops of the muffins at breakfast, she eats any of them.

6. If she hears him come in at four in the morning, when he has considerately taken off his boots to do so quietly.

7. If she refers to it.

8. If she ever says, “My dear, I think we’ve heard that story before.”

9. If she does not laugh consumedly whenever he tells a comic story.

10. If she objects to smoking.

11. If she is not civil to _all_ his male friends.

12. And female ones.

There, sir, you have a dozen suggestions which I would commend to the attention of this law-reformer. You will observe I have not included any _trivial_ reasons for divorce, and the procedure, as the _St. James’s Gazette_ says, “should be as expeditious and inexpensive as possible.”

Yours faithfully,

A TENDER HUSBAND.

_Turtle-Dove Terrace._

* * * * *

_Witness (promptly)_: “Yess, sir. Must take it, sir--’relse I can’t be ’memb’r o’ Parl’ment, sir!”]

* * * * *

THE COUNSEL’S TEAR

If Faraday’s or Liebig’s art
Could crystallise this legal treasure,
Long might a pleader, near his heart,
The jewel wear with chuckling pleasure.

The native brilliant, ere it fell,
A squeeze produced in Walker’s eye,
Which, winking, dropped the liquid “sell,”
The spring of plausibility.

Nice drop of rich and racy light,
In thee the rays of humour shine;
Almost as queer, all but as bright,
As any gem or joke of mine.

Thou fine effusion of the soul!
That never fail’st to gain relief,
Which barristers can ne’er control,
When thou art like to help their brief.

The farce-wright’s and the jester’s theme
In many a joke, on many a stage,
Thou moisten’st Chitty’s arid theme,
And Blackstone’s dry and dreary page.

That very lawyer, who a tear
Can shed, as from the bosom’s source,
With feeling equally sincere,
Could weep on t’other side--of course.

* * * * *

_Newly-appointed Magistrate._ “Any previous convictions against the prisoner?”]

* * * * *

WHAT OUR ARTICLED CLERK SAID.--The chief lawyer of Turkey can never be a weak man, since every new law there is established by a firman.

[_We have transferred our A. C. to a provincial firm._

* * * * *

“PENDENTE LITE.”--A chandelier.

* * * * *

THE GREATEST OF THE “GREAT UNPAID.”--The National Debt.

* * * * *

ADVICE TO CROWN LAWYERS.--Employ a hydropathic doctor, if you want to _pack_ a jury.

* * * * *

HEIRS-AT-LAW.--Barristers’ wigs.

* * * * *

PROPER DECORATION FOR A “BLOCKED” LAW COURT.--Bar-relief.

* * * * *

SUNDAY OBSERVANCES.--See the Monday charges at the police courts.

* * * * *

“A BOLT FROM THE BLUE.”--Running away from a policeman.

* * * * *

PROOF OF THE INTEGRITY OF THE LAW.--The return of the Lent Assizes.

* * * * *

Little Spadgett never can resist his military instincts under these circumstances.]

* * * * *

LOVESUIT AND LAWSUIT.--Promise of marriage is like precious china--a man has so much to pay for its breakage.

* * * * *

POLICE!--What tune would a person whistle who had been stealing milk? “Robin Adair,” eh? (_Robin’ a dairy!!!_)

* * * * *

THE FORCE OF CONTRADICTION CAN NO FURTHER GO.--To make a _will_ is the _wont_ of every prudent man.

* * * * *

DEFINITION OF THE BAR (_by an unlucky suitor_).--Silk, stuff, and nonsense.

* * * * *

LITIGATION

Litigation--
To the lawyers brings elation,
To the clients consternation,
To the counsel animation,
To the “devil” reputation,
To the usher agitation,
To the jury aggravation,
To the witness indignation,
To the judge consideration,
To reporters expectation,
To the loser lamentation,
To the winner exultation,
To the public information.

* * * * *

* * * * *

LEGAL INTELLIGENCE.--A smart young articled clerk, hearing it stated by a lecturer that “man is merely a machine,” remarked, “Then I suppose an attorney may be said to be a suing machine.”

* * * * *

A CASE TO WHICH A BARRISTER OBJECTS.--A fee-nominal one.

* * * * *

“A BAR MESS.”--Recent difficulties about latitude of counsel in cross-examination.

* * * * *

THE REAL NINE POINTS OF THE LAW.--Costs.

* * * * *

OPEN TO CONVICTION.--A prisoner at the bar.

* * * * *

DEFINITION OF “STUFF AND NONSENSE.”--A junior urging a ridiculous plea.

* * * * *

THE WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE.--The treadmill.

* * * * *

“CONTEMPT OF COURT.”--Neglecting to attend a Levée.

* * * * *

A SAFE PRECAUTION.--No boating party should be without a lawyer. In case of accident, he is the man for ba(i)ling out the water.

* * * * *

* * * * *

PLAYING AT DRAUGHTS.--The ventilation of our Law Courts.

* * * * *

THE MOST LASTING STUFF FOR A SILK GOWN.--A Chancery suit.

* * * * *

A BAR’S REST.--The Long Vacation.

* * * * *

THE ONLY PROFESSION WHERE THERE _ISN’T_ “THE ‘DEVIL’ TO PAY.”--The legal.

* * * * *

FACULTY OF ADVOCATES.--Speech.

* * * * *

A LEGAL CONVEYANCE.--The police van.

* * * * *

WANTED IN THE LAW COURTS

A junior who will wear his gown straight, and not pretend that intense preoccupation over dummy briefs prevents him from knowing that it is off one shoulder.

A judge who can resist the temptation to utter feeble witticisms, and to fall asleep.

A witness who answers questions, and incidentally tells the truth.

A jury who do not look extremely silly, and ridiculously self-conscious, when directly addressed or appealed to by counsel; or one that really understands that the judge’s politeness is only another and subtle form of self-glorification.

A K.C. who is not “eminent,” who does not behave “nobly,” and who can avoid the formula “I suggest to you,” in cross-examination; or one that does not thunder from a lofty and inaccessible moral altitude so soon as a nervous witness blunders or contradicts himself.

An usher who does not try to induce the general public, especially the female portion thereof, to mistake him for the Lord Chancellor.

A solicitor who does not strive to appear _coram populo_ on terms of quite unnecessarily familiar intercourse with his leading counsel.

An articled clerk who does not dress beyond his thirty shillings a-week, and think that the whole court is lost in speculation as to the identity of that distinguished-looking young man.

An associate who does not go into ecstasies of merriment over every joke or _obiter dictum_ from the Bench.

Anybody who does not give loud expression to the opinion, at the nearest bar when the court rises, that he could have managed the case for either or both sides infinitely better than the counsel engaged.

A court-house whose atmosphere is pleasant and invigorating after the court has sat for fifteen minutes.

(Anyone concerned who, on reading these remarks in print, will think that the cap can, by any _scintilla_ of possibility, fit himself.)

* * * * *

* * * * *

OLD LAW COURT MEMORIES

* * * * *

Poor Mr. Wiggles has just been described by a facetious witness of the lower orders as “that there h’old bloke wiv a choker, an’ a cauliflower on ’is ’ed”!!!]

* * * * *

WHAT A BARRISTER MAY DO; AND WHAT HE MAY NOT DO

There seems to be at present a very considerable difference of opinion among the gentlemen of the Bar as to what may or may not be done by a barrister. We had some idea of publishing a small hand-book of _etiquette_ for the exclusive use of the gentlemen of the long robe; but as what is etiquette to-day may not be etiquette to-morrow, we feared the work would not possess the permanent utility which alone would recompense us for the labour of writing it. We have, however, drawn up a few general rules founded on our own observation as to what a barrister may do, and what he may not do, consistently with his professional dignity:--

1st. A barrister may be employed in inducing Members of Parliament to vote in favour of railway bills; _but_ he may not report for a newspaper.

2nd. A barrister may practise the “artful dodge” for the purpose of defeating the ends of justice; _but_ he must not enter an assize town in an omnibus.

3rd. A barrister may tout for a small judgeship; _but_ he will be very properly disbarred if he advertises his readiness to plead the cause of clients.

4th. A barrister may libel a rival candidate for an office in a “private and confidential” circular; _but_ he must not degrade himself by asking an attorney to dine with him on the circuit.

5th. A barrister may take a fee when he knows he cannot attend to the cause; _but_ he may not return the money, for his doing so would be very unprofessional.

6th, and lastly. A barrister may be a very honourable man; _but_ many things which professional _etiquette_ allows him to do, would be thought disgraceful and dishonest among ordinary people.

* * * * *

A DELICATE DISTINCTION.--_Cross-examining Counsel (to fair witness)._ And is your name Aurelia Jessamine Jones?

_Fair Witness (after a pause)._ No, sir; but it ought to have been, only my god-parents were so ill-chosen.

* * * * *

* * * * *

IMPORTANT SUITORS IN CHANCERY.--Having occasion the other day to visit the Chancery Offices, we discovered an announcement which we are surprised has not been more generally noticed, and we take no little credit to ourselves for being the first to give extended publicity to the important public directions to the unhappy suitors, who may have been wandering in the Court so many years. The information is contained in the following short announcement--“THE WAY OUT”--which we can assure our readers we have copied from an official notice stuck up in that Court.

* * * * *

AN IMMEDIATE LANDLORD.--One who will not wait for his rent.

* * * * *

Westminster Hall. Showynge ye ceremonye of openynge terme.]

* * * * *

LEGAL NOMENCLATURE.--Occasionally we hear of “running down cases” being tried. The unlearned in the law naturally inquire if these are actions for slander.

* * * * *

PRISON THOUGHT.--“When’s a Christian,” said a poacher in gaol to himself, “sarved the same as a hare?--When he’s jugged like I be.”

* * * * *

Hyghest court of law in ye kyngdom. Ye Lords hearyng appeals.]

* * * * *

AN UNDER TENANT.--One who occupies a cellar.

* * * * *

HAPPY RELEASE.--Paying off a mortgage.

* * * * *

IN TWO WORDS.--Our police system and the housebreaker’s system--Bunglery and burglary.

* * * * *

“LETTERS OF REQUEST.”--Begging epistles.

* * * * *

Appearance of ye crymynyal covrte dvryng an “interestyng” tryal for mvrder.]

* * * * *

OUTSIDE THE COUNTY COURT.--_Jenkins (to Jorkins, a debtor)._ What, only five bob a month! How _did_ you manage it?

_Jorkins._ Why, always addressed the judge as “My Lord,” of course.

* * * * *

Pope asks: “Is there no bright reversion in the sky?” This is, clearly, a question which only a lawyer can answer.

* * * * *

We beg to solicit the attention of our innumerable readers to the state of the law respecting cruelty to animals.]

* * * * *

SONGS OF THE CIRCUIT

From Circuit to Circuit, although we may roam,
Be it ever so briefless, there’s none like the Home;
A fee from the skies p’rhaps may follow us there,
Which, seek through the courts, is ne’er met with elsewhere.
Home, Home, sweet sweet Home,
There’s none of the Circuits can equal the Home.

When out on the Home, lodgings tempt you in vain,
The railroad brings you back to your chambers again:
On the Home the expenses for posting are small;
Give me that--’tis the Circuit, the cheapest of all.
Home, Home, sweet sweet Home,
There’s none of the Circuits can equal the Home.

* * * * *

LEGAL PUGILISM.--The Chancery Bar has been lately occupied with a question relating to a patent for pins’ heads. The costs are estimated at £5,000. The lawyers are the best boxers, after all. Only let them get a _head in chancery_, even a _pin’s_, and see how they make the proprietor _bleed_.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE JOLLY YOUNG BARRISTER

And did you not hear of a jolly young barrister,
At the Old Bailey who used for to ply?
He made out his case with such skill and dexterity,
Twisting each fact, while he glozed o’er each lie.
He stuck at nothing; and that so steadily,
The felons all sought his aid so readily,
And he saved from conviction so many a thief,
That this barrister ne’er was in want of a brief.

What sights of fine rogues he got off by his blarney;
His tongue was so glib, and so specious withal,
He was always retained by the great City forgers
To Newgate from Mansion House sent, or Guildhall.
And often the Press would be gibing and jeering,
But ’twas all one to him, its carping and sneering;
He’d swear black was white in behalf of a thief,
So this barrister ne’er was in want of a brief.

And yet, only think what strange morals have lawyers,
The bar of such conduct think nothing at all;
Whilst should any poor counsel report for a paper,
“To Coventry with him!” that instant they call;
From their mess they’ll expel him, he’ll find, to his sorrow;
But they’ll dine with the housebreaker’s hireling to-morrow!
Then hurrah!--though his client be swindler or thief,--
For the barrister never in want of a brief.

* * * * *

SONG FOR DETECTIVES.--“_Let us speak of a man_ when _we find him._”

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE LAY OF THE LITTLE BARRISTER

I’m a little barrister, taking little fees;
Raising knotty little points, and signing little pleas;
Making little motions in a little court;
Causing by my speeches not a little sport.

I’m a little barrister, in my little wig,
Feeling rather little, when looking very big;
No one knows my modesty--but my little self,
For I feel I’m little more than on a little shelf.

I’m a little barrister, in my little gown,
Getting now, I must avow, not a little brown:
As I’m called a junior you would little guess,
I’m fifty and a little more--rather than little less,

I’m a little barrister, in my little home,
Up to which at Camden Town I from chambers roam;
With my little children climbing up my knee,
As with a mutton chop I make a dinner of my tea.

Though annoyed with little notes demanding little bills,
I do my little utmost to conquer little ills;
But often to my countenance there comes a little smile,
As I think that all our troubles last a very little while.

* * * * *

LEGAL QUERY.--Is there any precedent for a good practical farmer being styled one of the judges of the land?

* * * * *

* * * * *

LIFTS TO LAZY LAWYERS

_Q._ What are first fruits?

_A._ Rhubarb and little green gooseberries.

_Q._ When is it necessary to commence a fresh suit?

_A._ When the other has become too ventilating or seedy.

_Q._ What is a release?

_A._ To exchange the society of your ugly aunt for that of your pretty cousin.

_Q._ What is a clerical error?

_A._ Preaching a three hours’ sermon.

_Q._ What is a settlement of a conveyance?

_A._ When an omnibus smashes a cab.

_Q._ What is the master’s general report?

_A._ That wages are too high.

_Q._ Is “What’s that to you,” deemed a sufficient answer?

_A._ It may be, or may not; but it is likely to be excepted to for impertinence.

_Q._ Describe the meaning of the term _Nunc pro Tunc_.

_A._ It is the general exclamation you make when you are run against by a clumsy person. It generally has the word “stupid” added--_ex. gr._, “Now then, stupid!”

_Q._ Give an instance of a “similiter”?

_A._ You’re another!

_Q._ What is the meaning of “putting yourself upon the country?”

_A._ Going to the workhouse.

_Q._ Where is the Great Seal kept?

_A._ In the Arctic Ocean. A small specimen may be seen at the Zoological Gardens.

_Q._ What are “breaches of trust”?

_A._ Trousers procured on tick.

* * * * *

* * * * *

[_Puts rein in policeman’s hand, and bolts._]

* * * * *

LINES WRITTEN IN A LAWYER’S OFFICE

ON THE APPROACH OF SPRING

Whereas, on certain boughs and sprays
Now divers birds are heard to sing,
And sundry flowers their heads upraise;
Hail to the coming on of Spring!

The songs of those said birds arouse
The memory of our youthful hours,
As green as those said sprays and boughs,
As fresh and sweet as those said flowers.

The birds aforesaid--happy pairs--
Love, ’mid the aforesaid boughs, enshrines
In freehold nests: themselves, their heirs,
Administrators and assigns.

Oh, busiest term of Cupid’s Court,
Where tender plaintiffs actions bring--
Season of frolic and of sport,
Hail, as aforesaid, coming Spring!

* * * * *

Life, we are told, is a trial, but the worst of it is there is no Court of Appeal we can go to in the event of our not being satisfied with the result of it. For myself, I should like uncommonly to move for a new trial.

_Briefless Barrister._

* * * * *

“Not got a penny, your worshup.”

“Not a penny, sir!”

“I got only coppers,--‘hot coppers,’ your worshup.”

[_He was most promptly and most properly locked up._]

* * * * *

THE RULE OF THE ROAD.--_Query (from a correspondent)._--When a street runs into another street, what is the remedy at law?

_The Answer._--Consult a solicitor.

* * * * *

CONSCIENTIOUS LAWYER’S ADVICE.--Do right; don’t write.

* * * * *

A JURYMAN OF A SIZE.--A Welsh publican who weighs thirty stone has lately been informed that his bulk will not invalidate him from sitting on juries. “Squashing the verdict” is likely to become a popular feature of the Welsh Assizes.

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR THE OPPONENTS OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. No noose is good news!

* * * * *

CALLED TO THE “BA.”--The shepherd’s dog.

* * * * *

THE ENDS OF JUSTICE.--A cat-o’-nine-tails.

* * * * *

More judges required. We don’t want to hear so much of Chancery Division as of Chancery multiplication.

* * * * *

* * * * *

EXPLANATION OF ÆSOP’S FABLES FOR DULL STUDENTS

I. _The Fox who lost his Tail in the Gin._

The Fox stood seized of an estate in trap, and by a device duly executed he left his hairs a remainder in tail.

II. _The Fox and Crow._

In this case the Crow was evidently seized of a piece of cheese, with contingent remainder to the Fox, in case she opened her mouth, which, on her doing so, instantly descended to the Fox, who became seized of it.

* * * * *

PREVENTION OF BURGLARY.--Prospect of a dog and certainty of “the cat.”

* * * * *

NO JOKE FOR JURYMEN

Lock the jury up together,
Lock them up the live-long night,
Even in the closest weather!
Is it rational? is it right?
What pretence can lawyers put up
For a rusty rule, but fudge?
Why, a jury when you shut up,
Not as well shut up the judge?

* * * * *

_Friend._ “Hush! That’s not the prisoner. That’s the magistrate!”]

* * * * *

THOSE SILENT BOOTS

_Burglar’s Ballad._ AIR--“_Those Evening Bells._”

Those silent boots! Those silent boots!
When out upon our gay galoots,
’Twill give us coves the bloomin’ jumps,
If we carn’t hear the copper’s clumps!
’Ave bobby’s bluchers passed away?
That there will bust the burglar’s lay!
Wot, _silent_ “slops”--like evening swells?
It’s wus than them electric bells!
No, no! I ’opes, till _I_ am gone,
The bobby’s boots will still clump on.
Their warnin’ sound our bizness soots,
But bust the thought o’ _silent_ boots!

* * * * *

“THE WINDY SIDE OF THE LAW.”--Which side is this? Go into a solicitor’s office: you’ll soon be able to answer the question when you get near a draught.

* * * * *

THE ONLY COMPANY NOT LIMITED BY ACT OF PARLIAMENT.--Bad company.

* * * * *

NOTE BY OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE ONE.--A solicitor who is struck off the rolls has generally been eating someone else’s bread.

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Prisoner._ “Please, your worship, she was a-takin’ me ’ome.”]

* * * * *

WHAT IT MAY COME TO!

SCENE--_The Central Criminal Court. The usual company assembled, and the place wearing its customary aspect. “Standing room only” everywhere, except in the jury box, which is empty. Prisoner at the bar._

_Judge._ This is most annoying! Owing to the refusal of the jury to serve, the time of the Bar, the Bench, and I may even add, the prisoner, is wasted! I really don’t know what to do! Mr. Twentybob, I think you appear for the accused?

_Counsel for the Defence._ Yes, my Lord.

_Judge (with some hesitation)._ Well, I do not for a moment presume to dictate to you, but it certainly would get us out of a serious difficulty if your client pleaded guilty. I suppose you have carefully considered his case, and think it advisable that he should not withdraw his plea?

_Counsel for the Defence._ No, my lord, I certainly cannot advise him to throw up his defence. It is a serious--a deeply serious--matter for him. I do not anticipate any difficulty in establishing his innocence before an intelligent jury.

_Judge._ But we can’t get a jury--intelligent or otherwise.

_Counsel for the Defence._ If no evidence is offered, my client should be discharged.

_Counsel for the Prosecution._ I beg pardon, but I must set my friend right. Evidence _is_ offered in support of the charge, my lord.

_Judge._ Yes; but there is no properly constituted body to receive and decide upon its credibility. I am glad that the grand jury (to whom I had the privilege of addressing a few observations upon our unfortunate position) have ignored a larger number of bills than usual; still, the present case is before the court, and I must dispose of it. Can you assist us in any way, Mr. Perplebagge?

_Counsel for the Prosecution (smiling)._ I am afraid not, my lord.

_Judge._ Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the prisoner to be taken back to----

_Prisoner._ To the place I was in last night? No thankee!--not me! Look here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don’t we? Well, just to oblige you--as Dartmoor ain’t ’arf bad in the summer, and as in course I _did_ do it--I plead guilty!

_Judge (with a sigh of relief)._ Prisoner at the bar; we are infinitely beholden to you!

[_Passes regulation sentence with grateful courtesy._

* * * * *

_Prisoner._ “Yes, Sir.”

_Prison Chaplain._ “Say the eighth.”

_Prisoner (promptly)._ “Thou shalt do no manner of work; thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter.” &c.]

* * * * *

HABES CONFITENTEM REUM.--Suitors write to the papers to complain of the “block in Chancery.” Who but a block (we must ask) _would_ be in Chancery?

* * * * *

THE THIEF’S MOTTO.--“Take things quietly.”

* * * * *

SPRING ASSIZES.--Trying weather.

* * * * *

QUERY.--Would an ideal barrister be a counsel of perfection?

* * * * *

A PROVERB REVISED.--Too many cooks spoil the--police.

* * * * *

SAYING OF SOLICITORS.--November is at best a pettifogger.

* * * * *

AN EQUITY DRAFTSMAN.--A lawyer who sketches.

* * * * *

* * * * *

PROFESSIONAL LOVE SONG

THE LAWYER.

Spinster of the Saxon beauty,
At the Grainthorpe Manor mill,
Of this heart you’ve had possession
Since I made my uncle’s will:
Yours the image all engrossing
When I try to read reports,
You, my Amy, am I drawing,
Even in the Chancery Courts.

Ah! that brow as smooth as--vellum--
Ah! those lips vermilion red--
Kisses wherewith I have sealed them
No one ever witnessèd:
I would sue the man who ventured
To deny you dressed with taste,
I would tax his costs who hinted
An “impeachment” of your waist.

Soon the long vacation’s coming,
Soon the weary term will end;
No more writs and affidavits,
No more actions to defend:
I shall take the first conveyance--
Train at five P.M.--express--
I shall count the sluggish moments--
Forty minutes, more or less.

Meet me, cousin, at the station
With the trap that’s duty free,
It can take my rods and gun-case,
We will walk, _prochein_ Amy,
Past the glebe and old inclosure,
Past the deeply mortgaged inn,
On to where the freeholds finish
And the copyholds begin.

There I’ll make my declaration,
There I’ll pause and plead my suit;
Do not let it be “in error,”
Do not be of malice mute;
But “surrender” to your cousin
In the customary way,
And become the donee, dearest;
Of an opal _negligée_.

I’ve a messuage--recent purchase--
Sixty-eight in Mortmayne Row,
Title good, and unencumbered,
Gas and water laid below;
Come and share it, undisputed
Owner of this heart in fee,
Come and be my junior partner,
And in time we both may see,
Girls, fair copies of their mother,
Boys, the counterpart of me.

* * * * *

_The Magistrate._ “Oh!--you admit making counterfeit money then?”

_Prisoner (airily)._ “Well, the fact is, your washup, the supply o’ the genuine article is so extremely limited, and things generally are so very tight commercially, that a poor fellow must do something these times to turn an honest penny!”]

* * * * *

“Brief let it be”--as the barrister said in his conference with the attorney.

* * * * *

* * * * *

LEGAL MAXIMS

(_Suggestions for alteration and adaptation to Modern Manners and Customs, after the Jackson decision by the Court of Appeal._)

_Common Law._--“The tradition of ages shall prevail,” save when it runs counter to the opinions of a leader-writer of a daily-paper.

_Equity._--(1.) “No right shall be without a remedy,” save when it is sentimentally suggested that somebody’s right may be somebody else’s wrong.

(2.) “Equity follows the law,” at such a distance that it never comes up with it.

(3.) “Equity is equality,” save when a man’s wife is literally his better half.

(4.) “Where there is equal equity the law must prevail,” in any view it pleases to take at the instance of the Lord Chancellor for the time being.

(5.) “Where the equities are equal the law prevails,” in any course it likes to pursue.

(6.) “Equity looks upon that as done which is agreed to be done,” especially when, after obtaining legal relief, the suitor ultimately finds himself sold.

_Contracts._--(1.) “All contracts are construed according to the intentions of the parties,” save where one of them subsequently changes his mind.

(2.) “The construction should be liberal” enough to suit the fancy of the Judge who enforces it.

(3.) “It should be favourable” to a long and angry correspondence in all the principal newspapers.

(4.) “The contract should in general be construed according to the law of the country where made,” but certainly not in particular.

(5.) “That testimony cannot be given to vary, but may to explain a written contract,” save when someone suggests that this practice shall be reversed.

(6.) “He who employs an agent does it himself,” unless it is considered advisable to take an opposite view of the matter.

_Parent and Child._--“A father shall have the custody of his children,” except when they get beyond his control and defy his authority.

_Landlord and Tenant._--“A landlord has a right to receive his rent,” if the tenant does not spend the money on something else.

_Husband and Wife._--“A man has a right to the society of his wife,” when she does not prefer to give her company elsewhere.

_Birthright of an Englishman._ (_Popular traditionally, but strictly speaking supplementary._)--“An Englishman’s house is his castle,” but only the _pied à terre_ of the lawfully wedded sharer of his income.

OLD FATHER ANTIC.

* * * * *

_Artful Dodger (to Charley Bates)._ “You’ve been copped for a till--and me for a cly. But ’e’s been copped for a bank--shared somethin’ like six million swag among the lot!”

_Charley Bates (in a tone of respectful admiration)._ “Lor!”]

* * * * *

* * * * *

We scoff at savages who bow down before strange idols, yet we invariably “worship” the bench.

* * * * *

“It is very odd,” said Serjeant Channell to Thessiger, “that Tindal should have decided against me on that point of law which, to me, seemed as plain as A B C.” “Yes,” replied Thessiger, “but of what use is it that it should have been A B C to you, if the judge was determined to be D E F to it?”

* * * * *

A THOUGHT IN THE DIVORCE COURT.--There is a wide difference between the judge ordinary and an ordinary judge.

* * * * *

CRIMINALS’ ASSURANCE SOCIETY

PROSPECTUS

(_Private and Confidential_)

It being considered in accordance with the spirit of the age, the march of intellect, and the principles of progress, that those persons who are unfortunate enough to come under the unfavourable notice of tribunals established in unenlightened times, should be enabled to avail themselves of systematic arrangements for defeating the coarse and selfish tyranny of the many, an association is in course of formation with the following objects:--

To defend, in the best and most costly manner, all persons who, being assured in the projected society, shall be afflicted by prosecutions.

To supply, with the aid of practised writers, sensation articles to such newspapers as can be induced to accept them, such articles being framed in favour of convicted persons, and designed to produce a popular impression in their favour, by attacking the witnesses against them, vilifying hostile counsel, and ridiculing jurymen.

To procure other articles, in a graver tone, in which every mistake previously made by what is called justice shall be held up as an awful warning, and in which intimidation shall be freely directed against judges, Home Secretaries, and all who are charged with carrying the laws into effect.

To collect, after verdicts have been given, every kind of gossip, rumour, or invention that can discredit the case for the prosecution, and to circulate such things as largely as possible by means of the Press.

To get up petitions in favour of the convicted persons, some of such petitions to be framed so as to command the approbation of those who object to the special form of punishment that may have been awarded, and without reference to the innocence or guilt of the convicted parties.

It is believed, and experience warrants the belief, that by the irregular use of these and similar means a criminal trial will speedily be deprived of its antiquated solemnity and terror, and that the odds in favour of the ultimate escape of the assured will be very heavy indeed.

To the objection of the prejudiced, that such a system is unconstitutional, and tends to the subversion of the rules by which society is now protected, the promoters would reply, that the march of intellect, the spirit of the age, and the principles of progress, render such a cavil futile in the extremest degree.

A more detailed prospectus will speedily be issued with assurance tables prepared for the information of those who, with a wise forethought, look forward to their probably coming into collision with conventional arrangements, but who, owing to the uncertainties of life, may not be aware whether such collision will be occasioned by murder, manslaughter, burglary, highway robbery, garrotting, embezzlement, theft, or any other departure from ordinary rules. The rates will be carefully calculated, and brought within the means of all.

Further information may be obtained either of Jonathan Wild, Esq., Solicitor, Field Lane; or of Messrs. Alibi, Dodge, & Crammer, Private Inquiry Office, Spy Corner, Dirtcheap.

* * * * *

Put a penny in the slot, and he stops the traffic.]

* * * * *

_Counsel._ “Why are you so very precise in your statement? Are you afraid of telling an untruth?”

_Witness (promptly)._ “No, sir!”]

* * * * *

THE LAWYER’S PRAYER.--The learned gentleman prayed a _tales_.

* * * * *

TRULY SWEET.--“When I am in pecuniary difficulties,” said a pensive bankrupt, “my garden, my flowers, all fresh and sparkling in the morning, console my heart.” “Indeed!” asked his sympathising friend. “I should have thought they would remind you of your trouble, for, like your bills, they are all over dew.”

* * * * *

UNFAIR!--The overcrowded state of our law courts necessitates in almost every case a well packed jury.

* * * * *

Written agreements should be drawn up as shortly as possible; for parties are sure to agree best between whom there are the fewest words.

* * * * *

“Met the same fate as he did.”

“How do you mean?”

“Slipped upon appeal!”]

* * * * *

A LAWYER’S CHORTLE

(_A long way after “The Throstle”_)

Vacation is over, vacation is over,
I know it, I know it, I know it.
Back to the Strand again, home to the Courts again,
Come counsel and clients to go it.

Welcome awaits you, High Court of Justice,
Thousands will flock to you daily.
“You, you, you, you.” Is it then for you,
That we forget the Old Bailey?

Jostling and squeezing and struggling and shoving,
What else were the Courts ever made for?
The Courts ’twixt the Temple and grey Lincoln’s Inn,
They’re not yet entirely paid for!

Now till next year, all of us cry,
We’ll say (for a fee) what we’re bidden.
Vacation is over, is over, hurrah!
And all past sorrow is hidden.

* * * * *

THE FEMALE PREROGATIVE COURT.--A woman’s will knows no codicil.

* * * * *

THE BEST PLACE FOR A POLICE-OFFICE.--Beak Street.

* * * * *

CRIMINAL.--Why is a prisoner’s time like an abominable joke? Because it’s past in durance.

* * * * *

(_The judge is not at home, and Brown, Q.C., asks permission to write him a note_)

_Mary Elizabeth Jane._ “Would you like this book, sir? Master always uses it when he writes letters!”

[_Heavens! it’s an English dictionary!_]

* * * * *

“LAUGHTER IN COURT”

“Mr. Pickwick envied the facility with which Mr. Peter Magnus’ friends were amused.”--DICKENS.

SCENE--_Any Court_. TIME--_Any Trial_.

_Q. C._ What sort of a night was it?

_Witness._ It was dark. (_Laughter._)

_Judge._ My learned friend hardly expected the night to be light, I should think. (_Laughter._)

_Junior._ Perhaps m’lud, the learned counsel was thinking of a nightlight. (_Roars of laughter._)

_Q. C._ Well, we’ll take it that it was a dark night. You went out for a stroll?

_Witness._ No, I went for a walk.

_Judge._ At any rate the witness was walking about.

_Witness._ No, my lord, I wasn’t walking a “bout.” I was walking fast. (_Great Laughter._)

_Q. C._ You were walking fast. Now did you see anything?

_Witness._ I saw the prisoner.

_Q. C._ Well, tell us what he was doing.

_Witness._ He was doing nothing. (_Laughter._)

_Judge._ How did he do it? (_Renewed Laughter._)

_Witness._ Very busily, my lord. (_Laughter._)

_Junior._ Like a briefless barrister, m’lud. (_Roars of laughter._)

_Q. C._ Did he continue to do nothing long?

_Witness._ No; he soon seemed to get tired of it.

_Q. C._ What did he do then?

_Witness._ He went into a public-house.

_Q. C._ What for?

_Judge._ What does my learned friend go into a public-house for? (_Great Laughter._)

_Q. C._ Will you answer my question?

_Witness._ He went for some rum-shrub.

_Q. C. (proud of his acquaintance with slang, and with a knowing look towards the Junior Bar)._ It was a very “rum plant” the prisoner was engaged on.

[_Shrieks of laughter, during which the Court rose, being too
convulsed to transact any further business._

* * * * *

(An echo of the Tichborne case)

_Orton Demonstrator._ “I don’ care whether he’s Orton or Tishbo’n or Cashtr’ or who he is, bu’ I don’ like t’ see a po’r man kep’ out of ’s prop’ty!!”

_Second Orton Demonstrator._ “Jesh sho!”

[_They retire to refresh._]

* * * * *

NO COSTS.--If you want to enjoy the luxury of law for nothing, all you have to do is to prosecute an inquiry.

* * * * *

“Oh sir, please sir, is this Chancery Lane!”

“It is.”

“Ah! I knowed it was!”

“Then why did you ask?”

“’Cos I wanted to have counsel’s opinion!”]

* * * * *

MY FIRST BRIEF

When you, my first brief, were delivered,
Every fibre in me quivered
With delight. I seemed to see
Myself admitted a K.C.;
Piles of briefs upon the table,
More work to do than I was able;
Clients scrambling for advice,
Then Lord Chancellor in a trice.