Chapter I: Now Leave You to Make as Much Noise as You Please (4)

It was a custom of Dr. Kettel, while President of Trinity College, Oxford (says Tom Warton, citing the MSS. of Dr. Bathurst, in his Appendix to his Life of Sir Thomas Pope,) "to attend daily the DISPUTATIONS in the college-hall, on which occasions he constantly wore a large black furred muff. Before him stood an hour-glass, brought by himself into the hall, and placed on the table, for ascertaining the time of the continuance of the exercise, which was to last an hour at least. One morning, after Cromwell's soldiers had taken possession of Oxford, a halberdier rushed into the hall during this controversy, and plucking off our venerable Doctor's muff, threw it in his face, and then, with a stroke of his halberd, broke the hour-glass in pieces. The Doctor, though old and infirm, instantly seized the soldier by the collar, who was soon overpowered, by the assistance of the disputants. The halberd was carried out of the hall in triumph before the Doctor; but the prisoner, with his halberd, was quickly rescued by a party of soldiers, who stood at the bottom of the hall, and had enjoyed the whole transaction." It was in the grove of this college, during Monmouth's Rebellion of 1685, that Sir Philip Bertie, a younger son of Robert Earl of Lindsay, who was a member of Trinity College, and had spoken a copy of verses in the theatre at Oxford, in 1683, to the Duke and Dutchess a York, &c., trained a company, chiefly of his own college, of which he was captain, in the militia of the university.

TROOPS BEING RAISED BY THE UNIVERSITY OF OXFORD,

Says Warton, in Monmouth's Rebellion. It reminds me of a curious anecdote concerning Smith's famous Ode, entitled POCOCKIUS, which I give from MSS., Cod. Balland, vol. xix. Lit. 104:--"The University raised a regiment for the King's service, and Christ Church and Jesus' Colleges made one company, of which Lord Morris, since Earl of Abingdon, was captain, who presented Mr. Urry (the editor of Chaucer,) a corporal (serjeant) therein, with a halberd. Upon Dr. Pocock's death, Mr. Urry lugged Captain Rag (Smith) into his chamber in Peckwater, locked him in, put the key in his pocket, and ordered his bed-maker to supply him with necessaries through the window, and told him he should not come out till he made

A COPY OF VERSES ON THE DOCTOR'S DEATH.

The sentence being irreversible, the captain made the ODE, and sent it, with his epistle, to Mr. Urry, who thereupon had his release." "The epistle here mentioned," adds Tom, "is a ludicrous prose analysis of the ODE, beginning _Opusculum tuum, Halberdarie amplissime_," &c., and is printed in the fourth volume of Dr. Johnson's English Poets, who pronounces it _unequalled_ by modern writers. This same Oxonian, Smith, had obtained the _soubriquet_ of

CAPTAIN RAG

By his negligence of dress. He was bred at Westminster School, under Doctor Busby; and it is to be remembered, for his _honour_, "that, when at the Westminster election he stood a candidate for one of the universities, he so signally distinguished himself by his conspicuous performances, that there arose no small contention between the representatives of Trinity College in Cambridge, and Christ Church in Oxon, which of those two royal societies should adopt him as their own. But the electors of Trinity having a preference of choice that year, they resolutely elected him; who yet, being invited the same time to Christ Church, he chose to accept of a studentship there."

* * * * *

THE THREE DAINTY MORSELS.

When our learned Oxonian, Dr. Johnson, was on his tour in the Hebrides, accompanied by Bozzy, as Peter Pindar has it, says an American writer, they had one day travelled so far without refreshment, that the Doctor began to _growl_ in his best manner. Upon this Bozzy hastened to a cottage at a distance, ordered a dinner, and was lucky in obtaining the choice of a roast leg of mutton and the Doctor's favourite plum-pudding. Upon reaching the house, the appetite of the latter drove him into the kitchen to inspect progress, where he saw a boy basting the meat, from whose head he conceited he saw _something_ descend, by the force of _gravity_, into the dripping-pan. The meat was at length served up, and Bozzy attacked it with great glee, exclaiming, "My dear Doctor, do let me help you to some,--brown as a berry,--done to a turn." The Doctor said he would wait for the pudding, chuckling with equal glee, whilst Bozzy nearly devoured the whole joint. The pudding at length came, done to a turn too, which the Doctor in his turn greedily devoured, without so much as asking Bozzy to a bit. After he had wiped his mouth, and begun to compose himself, Bozzy entreated to know what he was giggling about whilst he eat the mutton? The Doctor clapped his hands to both sides for support, as he told him what he saw in the kitchen. Bozzy thereupon begun to exhibit sundry qualms and queer faces, and calling in the boy, exclaimed, "You rascal, why did you not cover your dirty head with your cap when basting the meat?" "'Cause mother took it to boil the pudding in!" said the urchin. The tables were turned. The Doctor stared aghast, stamped, and literally roared, with a voice of thunder, that if Bozzy ever named the circumstance to any one, it should bring down upon him his eternal displeasure! The following, not very dissimilar anecdote, is told of a Cantab, who was once out hunting till his appetite became as keen as the Doctor's, and, like his, drove him to the nearest cottage. The good dame spread before him and his friend the contents of her larder, which she described as "a _meat_ pie, made of odds and ends, the remnant of their own frugal meal." "Any thing is better than nothing," cried the half famished Cantab, "so let us have it--ha, Bob." Bob, who was another Cantab, his companion, nodded assent. No sooner was the savoury morsel placed before him, than he commenced operations, and greedily swallowed mouthful after mouthful, exclaiming, "Charming! I never tasted a more delicious morsel in my life! But what have we here?" said he, as he sucked something he held in both hands; "_Fish_, as well as flesh, my good woman?" "Fish!" cried the old dame, as she turned from her washing to eye our sportsman, "why, Lord bless ye, i' that bean't our Billy's _comb_!" The effect was not a little ludicrous on our hungry Cantab, whilst Bob's "Haw! haw! haw!" might have been heard from the Thames Tunnel to Nootka Sound.

* * * * *

ANSWERED IN KIND.

Why should we smother a good thing with _mystifying dashes_, instead of plain English high-sounding names, when the subject is of "honourable men?" "_Recte facta refert._"--Horace forbid it! The learned Chancery Barrister, John Bell, K.C., "_the Great Bell of Lincoln_," as he has been aptly called, was _Senior Wrangler_, on graduating B.A., at Trinity College, Cambridge, in 1786, with many able competitors for that honour. He is likewise celebrated, as every body knows, for writing three several hands; one only he himself can read, another nobody but his clerk can read, and a third neither himself, clerk, nor any body else can read! It was in the latter hand he one day wrote to his legal contemporary and friend, the present Sir Launcelot Shadwell, Vice-Chancellor of England (who is likewise a Cantab, and graduated in 1800 at St. John's College, of which he became a Fellow, with the double distinction of Seventh Wrangler and Second Chancellor's Medallist) inviting him to dinner. Sir Launcelot, finding all his attempts to decipher the note about as vain as the wise men found theirs to unravel the Cabalistic characters of yore, took a sheet of paper, and having _smeared_ it over with ink, he folded and sealed it, and sent it as his answer. The receipt of it staggered even the Great Bell of Lincoln, and after breaking the seal, and eyeing and turning it round and round, he hurried to Mr. Shadwell's chambers with it, declaring he could make nothing of it. "Nor I of your note," retorted Mr. S. "My dear fellow," exclaimed Mr. B., taking his own letter in his hand, is not this, as plain as can be, "Dear Shadwell, I shall be glad to see you at dinner to-day." "And is not this equally as plain," said Mr. S., pointing to his own paper, "My dear Bell, I shall be happy to come and dine with you."

* * * * *

POWERS OF DIGESTION.

In both Oxford and Cambridge the cooks are restricted to a certain sum each term, beyond which the college will not protect them in their demand upon the students. All else are _extras_, and are included in "_sizings_" in Cambridge; in Oxford the term is "_to battel_." The head of a college in the latter university, not long since, sent for Mr. P----, one of his society, who had _batteled_ much beyond the allowance; and after Mr. P---- had endeavoured to excuse himself on the ground of appetite, turning to the account, the Rector observed, "_meat_ for breakfast, _meat_ for lunch, _meat_ for dinner, _meat_ for supper," and looking up in the face of the dismayed student, he exclaimed, with his Welsh accent, "Christ Jesus! Mr. P----, what guts you must have." This reminds me of

A CAMBRIDGE D.D.,

Now no more, who is said to have been a great gourmand, and weighed something less than thirty stone, but not much. At the college table, where our D.D. daily took his meal, in order that he might the better put his hand upon the dainty morsels, being very corpulent, he caused a piece to be scooped out, to give him a fair chance. His chair was also so placed, that his belly was three inches from the table at sitting down, and when he had eaten till he touched it, his custom was to lay down his knife and fork and desist, lest, by eating too much, any dangerous malady should ensue. A waggish Fellow of his college, however, one day removed his chair double the distance from the table, which the doctor not observing, began to eat as usual. After taking more than his _quantum_, and finding that he was still an inch or two from the _goal_, he threw down his knife and fork in despair, exclaiming, he "was sure he was going to die;" but having explained the reason, he was relieved of his fears on hearing the joke had been played him.

* * * * *

THE INSIDE PASSENGER.

Every Cantab of the nineteenth century must remember our friend Smith of the Blue Boar, Trinity Street, charioteer of that now _defunct_ vehicle and pair which used to ply between Cambridge, New-market, and Bury St. Edmunds, and on account of its _celerity, and other marked qualities_, was called "_The Slow and Dirty_" by Freshman, Soph, Bachelor, and Big-wig, now metamorphosed into a handsome four-in-hand, over which our friend Smith presides in a style worthy of _the Club itself_! He had one day, in olden time, pulled up at Botsham, midway between Newmarket and Cambridge, when there happened to be several Cantabs on the road, who were refreshing their nags at the "self-same" inn, the Swan, at which _the Slow and Dirty_ made its daily halt. "Any passengers?" inquired Smith. "One inside," said a Cambridge wag, standing by, whose eye was the moment caught by a young ass feeding on the nettles in a neighbouring nook. Having put his fellows up to the joke, Smith was invited in-doors and treated with a glass of grog; meanwhile, my gentleman with the long ears was popped inside the coach. Smith coming out, inquired after his passenger, whom he supposed one of his friends, the Cantabs, and learnt he was housed. "All right," said Smith, and off he drove, followed quickly by our wag and party on horseback, who determined to be in at the _denouement_. Smith had not made much way, when our inside passenger, not finding himself _in clover_, popped his head out at one of the coach windows. The spectacle attracted the notice of many _bipeds_ as they passed along; Smith, however, notwithstanding their laughter, "kept the even tenor of his way." At Barnwell the boys _huzzaed_ with more than their usual greetings, but still Smith kept on, unconscious of the cause. He no sooner made Jesus' Lane, than crowds began to follow in his wake, and he dashed into the Blue-Boar yard with _a tail_ more numerous than that upon the shoulders of which Dan O'Connell rode into the first Reformed Parliament, Feargus included. Down went the reins, as the ostlers came to the head of his smoking _prads_, and Smith was in a moment at the coach door, with one hand instinctively upon the latch, and the other raised to his hat, when the whole truth flashed upon his astonished eyes, and Balaam was safely landed, amidst peals of laughter, in which our friend Smith was not the least _uproarious_.

* * * * *

PALEY'S CELEBRATED SCHOOL ACT.

When Paley, in 1762, kept his act in the schools, previously to his entering the senate-house, to contend for mathematical honours, it was under the moderators, Dr. John Jebb, the famous physician and advocate of reform in church and state, and the learned Dr. Richard Watson, late Bishop of Llandaff. _Johnson's Questiones Philosophicæ_ was the book then commonly resorted to in the university for subjects usually disputed of in the _schools_; and he fixed upon two questions, in addition to his mathematical one, which to his knowledge had never before been subjects of _disputation_. The one was _against Capital Punishments_; the other _against the Eternity of Hell Torments_. As soon, however, as it came to the knowledge of the heads of the university that Paley had proposed such questions to the moderators, knowing his abilities, though young, lest it should give rise to a controversial spirit, the master of his college, Dr. Thomas, was requested to interfere and put a stop to the proceeding, which he did, and Bishop Watson thus records the fact in his Autobiography:--"Paley had brought me, for one of the questions he meant for his act, _Æternitas pænarum contradicit Divinis Attributis_! The Eternity of Hell Torments contrary to the Divine Attributes. I had accepted it. A few days afterwards he came to me in a great fright, saying, that the master of his college, Dr. Thomas, Dean of Ely, insisted on his not keeping on such a question. I readily permitted him to change it, and told him that, if it would lessen his master's apprehensions, he might put a '_non_' before '_contradicit_;' making the question, The Eternity of Hell Torments _not_ contrary to the Divine _Attributes_: and he did so." In the following month of January he was senior wrangler.

HE WAS NOT FOND OF CLASSICAL STUDIES,

And used to declare he could read no Latin author with pleasure but Virgil: yet when the members' prize was awarded to him for a _Latin_ prose essay, in 1765, which he had illustrated with _English_ notes, he was, strange enough, though his disregard of the classics was well known, suspected of being the author of the _Latin only_. The reverse was probably nearer the truth. It is notorious that

HE WAS NOT SKILLED IN PROSODY;

And when, in 1795, he proceeded to D.D., after being made Sub-Dean of Lincoln, he, in the delivery of his _Clerum_, pronounced prof[)u]gus prof[=u]gus, which gave some Cambridge wag occasion to fire at him the following epigram:--

"Italiam fato _profugus_, Lavinaque venit
Litora; * * * * *
Errat Virgilius, forte _profugus_ erat."

He had

A SPICE OF CUTTING HUMOUR

In his composition, and some time after the Bishop of Durham so honourably and unsolicited presented him to the valuable living of Bishop Wearmouth, dining with his lordship in company with an aged divine, the latter observed in conversation, "that although he had been married about forty years, he had never had the slightest difference with his wife." The prelate was pleased at so rare an instance of connubial felicity, and was about to compliment his guest thereon, when Paley, with an arch "_Quid?_" observed, "Don't you think it must have been very flat, my Lord?"

A RULE OF HIS.

A writer, recording his _on dits_, in the New Monthly Magazine, says, in Paley's own words, he made it a rule never to buy a book that he wanted to read but once. In more than one respect,

HE WAS UNLIKE DR. PARR.

The latter had a great admiration for the _canonical dress_ of his order, and freely censured the practice of clergymen not generally appearing in it. When on a visit to his friend, the celebrated Mr. Roscoe, at that gentleman's residence near Liverpool, Parr used to ride through the village in full costume, including his famous wig, to the no small amusement of the rustics, and chagrin of his companion, the present amiable and learned Thomas Roscoe, originator and editor of "The Landscape Annual," &c. Paley wore a white wig, and a coat cut in the close court style: but could never be brought to patronise, at least in the country, that becoming part of the dress of a dignitary of the church, a _cassock_, which he used to call a black apron, such as the master tailors wear in Durham.

HE WAS NEVER A GOOD HORSEMAN.

"When I followed my father," he says, "on a pony of my own, on my first journey to Cambridge, I fell off seven times. My father, on hearing a thump, would turn his head half aside, and say, 'Take care of thy money, lad!'" This defect he never overcame: for when advanced in years, he acknowledged he was still so bad a horseman, "that if any man on horseback were to come near me when I am riding," he would say, "I should certainly have a fall; company would take off my attention, and I have need of all I can command to manage my horse, the quietest creature that ever lived; one that, at Carlisle, used to be covered with children from the ears to the tail."

HIS TWO OR THREE REASONS FOR EXCHANGING LIVINGS.

Meadly, his biographer, relates, that when asked why he had exchanged his living of Dalston for Stanwix? he frankly replied, "Sir, I have two or three reasons for taking Stanwix in exchange: first, it saved me double housekeeping, as Stanwix was within twenty minutes' walk of my house in Carlisle; secondly, it was 50_l._ a-year more in value; and, thirdly, I began to find my stock of sermons coming over again too fast." He was

A DISCIPLE OF IZAAK WALTON,

And carried his passion for angling so far, that when Romney took his portrait, he would be taken with a rod and line in his hand.

HIS WAY WHEN HE WANTED TO WRITE.

"When residing at Carlisle," he says, "if I wanted to write any thing particularly well, I used to order a post-chaise, and go to a quiet comfortable inn, at Longtown, where I was safe from the trouble and bustle of a family, and there I remained until I had finished what I was about." In this he was

A CONTRAST TO DR. GOLDSMITH,

Who, when he meditated his incomparable poem of the "Deserted Village," went into the country, and took a lodging at a farm-house, where he remained several weeks in the enjoyment of rural ease and picturesque scenery, but could make no progress in his work. At last he came back to a lodging in Green-Arbour Court, opposite Newgate, and there, in a comparatively short time, in the heart of the metropolis, surrounded with all the antidotes to ease, he completed his task--_quam nullum ultra verbum_.

PALEY'S DIFFICULTIES A USEFUL LESSON TO YOUTH.

Soon after he became senior wrangler, having no immediate prospect of a fellowship, he became an assistant in a school at Greenwich, where, he says, I pleased myself with the imagination of the delightful task I was about to undertake, "teaching the young idea how to shoot." As soon as I was seated, a little urchin came up to me and began,--"_b_-_a_-_b_, bab, _b_-_l_-_e_, ble, babble!" Nevertheless, at this time, the height of his ambition was to become the first assistant. During this period, he says, he restricted himself for some time to the mere necessaries of life, in order that he might be enabled to discharge a few debts, which he had incautiously contracted at Cambridge. "My difficulties," he observes, "might afford a useful lesson to youth of good principles; for my privations produced a habit of economy which was of infinite service to me ever after." At this time I wanted a waistcoat, and went into a second-hand clothes-shop. It so chanced that I bought the very same garment that Lord Clive wore when he made his triumphal entry into Calcutta.

IN HIS POVERTY HE WAS LIKE PARR.

The finances of the latter obliged him to leave Cambridge _without_ a degree; after he had been assistant at Harrow, had a school at Stanmore, and been head master of the grammar school at Colchester, and had become head master of that of Norwich, they remained so low that once looking upon a small library, says Mr. Field, in his Life of the Doctor, "his eye was caught by the title, 'Stephani Thesaurus Linguæ Græcæ,' turning suddenly about, and striking violently the arm of the person whom he addressed, in a manner very unusual with him, 'Ah! my friend, my friend,' he exclaimed, 'may _you_ never be forced, as _I_ was at Norwich, to sell that work--to _me_ so precious--from absolute and urgent necessity!'" "At one time of my life," he said, "I had but 14_l._ in the world. But then, I had good spirits, and owed no man sixpence!"

PORSON, TOO, WAS A CONTRAST TO PALEY.

The first, it is well known, vacated his fellowship, and left himself pennyless, rather than subscribe to the _Thirty-nine Articles_, from which there is no doubt he conscientiously dissented; and when asked to subscribe his belief in the notorious Shakspeare _forgery_ of the Irelands, his reply was, "I subscribe to no articles of faith." When Paley was solicited to sign his name to the supplication of the petitioning clergy, for _relief from subscription_, he has the credit of replying, he "_could not afford to keep a conscience_," a saying that many have cherished to the prejudice of that great man's memory, but which it is more than probable he said in his dry, humorous manner, without suspicion it would be remembered at all, and merely to rid himself of some importunate applicant. Paley, it is well known, notwithstanding the conclusions to which some interested writers have come, was strongly and conscientiously attached to the doctrines and constitution of the Established Church; and it was impossible but that, with his fine common-sense perception, he must have been well aware, that no _Established Church_, such as is that of England, could long exist as such, _if not fenced round by articles of faith_. And here I am reminded of an

ANECDOTE OF THE GREAT LORD BURLEIGH AND THE DISSENTERS OF HIS DAY.

He was once very much pressed by a body of Divines, says Collins, in his Life, to make some _alteration in the Liturgy_, upon which he desired them to go into the next room by themselves, and bring in their _unanimous opinion on the disputed points_. But they very soon returned _without being able to agree_. "Why, gentlemen," said he, "how can you expect that I should alter my point in dispute, when you, who must be more competent to judge, from your situation, than I can possibly be, cannot agree among yourselves in what manner you would have me alter it."

OTHER SAYINGS OF THIS GREAT MAN

Were, that he would "never truste anie man not of sounde religion; for he that is false to God, can never be true to man."

Parents, he said, were to be blamed for "the unthrifty looseness of youth," who made them men seven years too soon, and when they "had but children's judgments."

"Warre is the curse, and peace the blessinge of a countrie;" and "a realme," he said, "gaineth more by one year's peace, than by tenne years' warre."

"That nation," he would observe, "was happye where the king would take counsell and follow it." With such a sage minister, it is not surprising that Elizabeth was the greatest princess that ever lived, nor that she gave such wise laws to Cambridge, whose Chancellor he was.

PORSON'S PROGRESS IN KNOWLEDGE.

"When I was seventeen," Porson once observed, "I thought I knew every thing; as soon as I was twenty-four, and had read Bentley, I found I knew nothing. Now I have challenged the great scholars of the age to find _five_ faults to their _one_, in any work, ancient or modern, they decline it." On another occasion, he described himself as

A GENTLEMAN WITHOUT SIXPENCE IN HIS POCKET.

Person declining to enter into holy orders, as the statute of his college required he should do, lost his fellowship at Trinity, after he had enjoyed it ten years; "on which heart-rending occasion," says his friend and admirer, Dr. Kidd, "he used to observe, with his usual good humour (for nothing could depress him,) that he was _a gentleman living in London without a sixpence in his pocket_." Two years afterwards his friends procured his election to the Regius Professorship of Greek, on the death of Professor Cooke, the sudden news of which event, he says, in a letter printed in Parriana, addressed to the then Master of Trinity, the learned Dr. Postlethwaite, all his ambition of that sort having been long ago laid asleep, "put me in mind of poor Jacob, who, having served seven years in hope of being rewarded with Rachel, awoke, and behold it was Leah." He had seven years previously projected a course of lectures in Greek, which most unaccountably were not patronised by the Senate.

* * * * *

GREEK PROTESTANTS AT OXFORD.

Mr. Pointer says, in his _Oxoniensis Academia, &c._, speaking of the curiosities connected with Worcester College, there were "Ruins of a Royal Palace, built by King Henry the First, in Beaumont, near Gloucester-green, upon some parts of which ruins, the late Dr. Woodroff (when principal of Gloucester Hall, now Worcester College) built lodgings for the education of young scholars from Greece, who, after they had been here educated in the reformed religion, were to be sent back to their own country, in order to propagate the same there. And accordingly some young Grecians were brought hither, and wore their Grecian habits; but not finding suitable encouragement, this project came to nothing."

* * * * *

JUDGMENT OF ERASMUS ON THE CAMBRIDGE FOLK.

Fuller says, that Erasmus thus wrote of the Cambridge folk, at the beginning of the sixteenth century. "Vulgus Cantabrigiense, inhospitales Britannos antecedit, qui cum summa rusticitate summum militiam conjunxere." This will by no means _now_ apply to the better class of tradespeople, and in no place that I know of is there more hospitality amongst the higher orders of society. Kirk White, in his Letters, is not very complimentary either to

BEDMAKERS OR GYPS.

The latter are called _scouts_ in Oxford, and their office borders on what is generally understood by the word _valet_. The term _Gyp_ is well applied from [Greek: Gyps], a _vulture_, they being, in the broadest sense of the word, addicted to _prey_, and not over-scrupulous at both _picking_ and _stealing_, in spite of the Decalogue. I had one evening had a _wine party_, during the warm season of the year; we drank freely, and two of the party taking possession of my bed, I contented myself with the sofa. About six in the morning the _Gyp_ came into the room to collect boots, &c. and either not seeing me, or fancying I slept (the wine being left on the table,) he very coolly filled himself a glass, which he lost no time in raising to his lips, but ere he had swallowed a drop, having watched his motions, I _whistled_ (significant of recognition,) and down went the wine, glass and all, and out bolted our _gyp_, who _actually blushed_ the next time he saw me. Another anecdote touching lodging-house keepers, I will head

DROPS OF BRANDY.

A certain mistress of a lodging-house, in Green-street, Cambridge, where several students had rooms, having a propensity, not for the _ethereal_ charms of the music so called, but for the invigorating liquor itself, had a habit, with the assistance of what is called a _screw-driver_, but which might more aptly be termed a _screw-drawer_, of opening cupboard doors without resorting to the ordinary use of a key. By this means she had one day abstracted a bottle of brandy from the store of one of the students (now a barrister of some practice and standing,) with which, the better to consume it in undisturbed dignity, she retired to the temple of the goddess Cloacina. She had been missed for some time, and search was made, when she was found _half seas over_, as they say, with the remnant of the bottle still grasped in her hand, which she had plied so often to her mouth, that she was unable to lift her hand so high, or indeed to rise from her _seditious_ posture. Upon this scene a caricature of the first water was sketched, and circulated by some Cambridge wag; another threw off the following Epigrammatic Conun:

Why is my Dalia like a rose?
Perhaps, you'll say, because her breath
Is sweeter than the flowers of earth:
No--odious thought--it is, her nose
Is redder than the reddest rose;
Which she has long been very handy
At colouring with _drops of brandy_.

Another head of a lodging-house is a notorious member of what in Cambridge is called--

THE DIRTY-SHIRT CLUB.

This is a society that has existed in the town of Cambridge for ages, whose functions consist in _wearing the linen of the students who lodge in their houses after it has been cast off for the laundress_. This same individual, however, had a taste for higher game, and one of the students, who had rooms in his house, being called to London for a few days, returning rather unexpectedly, actually found mine host at the head of the table, in his sitting-room, surrounded by some twenty _snobs_, his friends. Our gownsman very properly resented his impertinence, took him by the collar and waist, and, in the language of that fine old song, goose-a-goose-a-gander, "_threw him down stairs_." The rest of the party prudently followed at this hint, leaving the table covered with the remains of sundry bottles of wine and a rich dessert. Thus the affair terminated at that time: but our gownsman being a man of fortune, and one of those accustomed, therefore, to treat his brother students, his friends, sumptuously too, went two or three days after, to his fruiterer's, to order

DESSERT FOR TWENTY.

"The same as you had on Wednesday?" inquired the fruiterer. "On Wednesday!" he exclaimed with astonishment,--"I had _no_ dessert on Wednesday!" "Oh, yes, sir," was the rejoinder, "Mr. ---- himself ordered it for you, and, as I before said, for twenty!" The whole matter was soon understood to be, that the lodging-house keeper had actually done him the honour to give his brother snobs, of the _dirty shirt fraternity_, an invite and sumptuous entertainment at his expense! Of course, he did not remain in the house of such a _free-and-easy-gent_. I name the fact as a recent occurrence, and

A HINT FOR GOWNSMEN.

But this is not the only way in which they are fleeced: the minor articles of _grocery_ are easily appropriated: nay, not only easily appropriated, but a _duplicate_ order is occasionally delivered _for the benefit of the house_. Some tradesmen have made

MARVELLOUS STRIDES ON THE ROAD TO WEALTH,

From various causes. I remember one man who, in six years, beginning life at the _very beginning_, saved enough to retire upon an independence for the rest of his life. Did he _chalk double_? I answer not. But students should look to these things. At St. John's College, Cambridge, the tutors have adopted an excellent plan by which, with ordinary diligence, cheats may be detected: they oblige the tradesmen to furnish them with duplicates of their bills against the students, one of which is handed to the latter, and any error pointed out, they will be _forced_ to rectify.

ANOTHER SPECIES OF FRAUD

Is a trick tradesmen have, in the Universities, of _persuading_ students to get into their debt, actually pressing their wares upon them, and then, when their books show sufficient reason, forsooth, they _make a mock_ assignment of their affairs over to their creditors, and some _pettifogging_ attorney addresses the unlucky debtors with an intimation, that, unless the account is forthwith paid, together with the expenses of the application, further proceedings will be taken! though the wily tradesman has assured the purchaser of his articles that credit would run to any _length he pleased_: and so it does, and no longer. Such fellows should be _marked and cut_! It is but justice to add, however, that these observations do not apply to that respectable class of tradesmen, of whom the student _should_ purchase his necessaries. The motto of every student, notwithstanding, who is desirous of not injuring his future prospects in life, by too profuse an expenditure, should be "fugies Uticam,"--keep out of debt!

* * * * *

THE SOURCE OF DR. PARR'S ELOQUENCE.

Some of Dr. Parr's hearers, struck with a remarkable passage in his sermon, asked him "Whether he had read it from his book?" "Oh, no," said he, "it was the light of nature suddenly flashing upon me." He once called a clergyman _a fool_. The divine, indignant, threatened to complain to the Bishop. "Do so," was the reply, "and my Lord Bishop will _confirm you_."

To the same wit, when a student at Emanuel College, is attributed the celebrated--

ADDRESS TO HIS TEA-CHEST,

"_Tu doces_," (_thou tea-chest_!) Others give the paternity to Lord Erskine, when a Fellow Commoner of Trinity College, Cambridge; _n'importe_, they were friends.

AS A SPICE OF THEIR JOINT VANITY,

It is related of them, that one day, sipping their wine together, the Doctor exclaimed, "Should you give me an opportunity, Erskine, I promise myself the pleasure of writing your epitaph." "Sir," was the reply, "it's a temptation to commit suicide." On another occasion more than one authority concur in the Doctor's thus

ASSURING HIMSELF A PLACE AMONGST THE GREEK SCHOLARS OF HIS DAY.

"Porson, sir, is the first, always the first; we all yield to him. Burney is the third. Who is the second, I leave you to guess."

ANOTHER SPICE OF HIS VANITY

Peeped out on his one night being seated in the side gallery at the House of Commons, with the late Sir James Mackintosh, &c., where he could see and be seen by the members of the opposition, his friends. The debate was one of great importance. Fox at length rose, and as he proceeded in his address, the Doctor grew more and more animated, till at length he rose as if with the intention of speaking. He was reminded of the impropriety, and immediately sat down. After Fox had concluded, he exclaimed: "Had I followed any other profession, I might have been sitting by the side of that illustrious statesman; I should have had all his powers of argument,--all Erskine's eloquence,--and all Hargrave's law." He had one day been arguing and disagreeing with a lady, who said, "Well, Dr. Parr,