Chapter I: Wish He Had Paid It First (1)

The present Vice-Master of Trinity College, Cambridge, being told that one of his pupils, the author of "ALMA MATER," had therein published his bill, coolly replied, "I wish he had paid it first." Another Cantab had--

A MIND TO MAKE TRIAL OF THE STOCKS,

Which unluckily stood in the church-yard, and it happening to be a saint's day, the congregation were at prayers, of which he was ignorant, when he got a friend to put him in. His friend sauntered away, whether wilfully or not I leave my readers to guess, and he was in vain struggling to release himself, when the congregation issued forth, who were not a little _moved_ at his situation. Many laughed, but one, an old woman, compassionately released him. A similar story is told of the celebrated son of Granta,

LORD CHIEF JUSTICE PRATT,

Who had afterwards to try a cause in which the plaintiff had brought his action against a magistrate for falsely imprisoning him in the stocks. The counsel for the defence arguing that the action was a frivolous one, on the ground that the stocks were no punishment, his Lordship beckoned his learned brother to him, and told him, in his ear, that having himself been put in the stocks, he could assure him it was no such slight punishment as he represented, and the plaintiff obtained a verdict against the magistrate in consequence.

* * * * *

HISSING VERSUS MONEY.

Parker says, in his Musical Memoirs, that the Oxford scholars once hissed Madame Mara, conceiving she assumed too much importance in her bearing. No wonder they so treated Signor Samperio, one evening at a concert, attracted, when he came forward to sing, by his "tall, lank figure, sunken eyes, hollow cheeks, and shrill voice;" in fact, they hissed him off before he had half got through his cavatina. The gentleman who acted as steward was deeply moved at his situation, and, going up to Samperio, endeavoured to soothe him. But the signor, not at all hurt, replied, "O, sare, never mind; dey may hissa me as much as dey please, if I getti di money." Another anecdote is told of--

TWO OXFORD SCHOLARS POSING DR. HAYES,

The late musical professor, who was some six feet high, and scarcely inferior in bulk to the famous Essex miller. He had at last so much difficulty in getting in and out of a stage coach, that whenever he went from Oxford to London to conduct the annual performances at St. Paul's, for the benefit of the Sons of the Clergy, which he did for many years _gratis_, his custom was to engage a whole seat to himself, and when once in and seated to remain so till the end of the journey. The fact became known to two Oxford wags, who resolved to _pose_ the Doctor, and to that end engaged the other two inside places, and taking care to be there before him, seated themselves in the opposite corners, one to the right the other to the left, and there the Doctor found them, on arriving to take his place. "How was he to dispose of his _corpus_?" was the query: they had a clear right to their seats, and no alternative seemed left him, as they declined moving, but to place his head in one corner and his feet in the other. At last our Oxonians, having fully enjoyed the _dilemma_ in which they had placed the Doctor, consented to give way, confessed their purpose, and even the Doctor had the good sense to laugh at his own expense.

* * * * *

GROSS INDEED.

When the celebrated Cantab, and editor of _Lucretius_, Gilbert Wakefield, was convicted of a _libel_ before the late Judge _Grose_, who sentenced him to fine and imprisonment, turning from the bar, he said, with the spirit of a Frenchman, it was--"_gross_ indeed." To the same learned Cantab, Dyer attributes the following--

PUN UPON PYE.

Being asked once his opinion of the poetry of _Pye_, the then Poet Laureat, his reply was, that he thought very _handsomely_ of some of Mr. P.'s poems, which he had read. This did not suffice, and he was pressed for his opinion of the Laureat-Ode that had just appeared in the public prints. Not having seen it, he desired his friend to read it to him, and the introductory lines containing something about the _singing of birds_, Wakefield abruptly silenced him with this happy allusion to the Laureat's name, in the following nursery rhymes:--

"And when the pie was opened,
The birds began to sing:
And was not this a dainty dish
To set before a king."

* * * * *

THE CAMBRIDGE FAMILY OF SPINTEXTS

Begun with John Alcock, LL.D., Bishop of Ely, and founder of Jesus College.

"Garrulus hunc quando consumet cunq; loquaces,
Si sapiat, vitet, simul atque adoluerit ætas."

In 1483, says Wilson, in his Memorabilia Cantabrigiæ, he preached before the University "_Bonum et blandum sermonem prædicavit, et duravit in horam tertiam et ultra_," which is supposed to be a sermon that was printed in his lifetime, in 1498, by the famous Pynson, entitled, "_Galli Cantus ad Confratres suos Curatos in Synodo, apud Barnwell, 25th September_, 1498," at the head of which is a print of the Bishop preaching to the Clergy, with a cock at each side, and another in the first page. The next most celebrated preacher of this class was

DOCTOR ISAAC BARROW,

The friend, partly tutor, and most learned contemporary of Newton, whom Charles the Second said was an unfair preacher, leaving nothing new to be said by those who followed him. He was once appointed, upon some public occasion, to preach before the Dean and Chapter in Westminster Abbey, and gave them a discourse of nearly four hours in length. During the latter part of it, the congregation became so tired of sitting, that they dropped out, one by one, till scarcely another creature besides the Dean and choristers were left. Courtesy kept the Dean in his place, but soon his patience got the better of his manners,

"Verba per attentam non ibunt Cæsaris aurem,"

and beckoning one of the singing boys, he desired him to go and tell the organist to play him down, which was done. When asked, on descending from the pulpit, if he did not feel exhausted, he replied, "No; only a little tired with standing so long." A third "long-winded preacher" (and they were never admired at either Oxford or Cambridge, where "short and sweet" is preferred) was

DOCTOR SAMUEL PARR.

He delivered his justly celebrated SPITAL SERMON in the accustomed place, Christ-Church, Newgate Street, Easter Tuesday, 1800, before his friend, Harvey Christian Combe, Esq., M.P., the celebrated brewer, then Lord Mayor. "Before the service begun," says one of his friends, "I went into the vestry, and found Dr. Parr seated, with pipes and tobacco placed before him on the table. He evidently felt the importance of the occasion, but felt, at the same time, a confidence in his own powers. When he ascended the pulpit, a profound silence prevailed. The sermon occupied nearly an hour and a quarter in the delivery; and in allusion to its extreme length, it was remarked by a lady, who had been asked her opinion of it, "enough there is, and more than enough"--the first words of its first sentence,--a _bon mot_ he is said to have received with good humour. As he and the Lord Mayor were coming out of the church, the latter, albeit unused to the facetious mode, "Well," said Dr. Parr to him, always anxious for well-merited praise, "how did you like the sermon? Let me have the suffrage of your strong and honest understanding." "Why, Doctor," returned his lordship, "there were four things in your sermon I did _not_ like to hear." "State them," replied Parr, eagerly. "Why, to speak frankly, then," said Combe, "they were the quarters of the church clock, which struck four times before you had finished it." "I once saw, lying in the Chapter Coffee-house," says Dyer, in a letter printed in Parriana, "the Doctor's _Spital Sermon_, with a comical caricature of him, in the pulpit, preaching and smoking at the same time, with _ex fumo dare lucem_ issuing from his mouth."

ANOTHER CLASS OF PREACHERS

At Cambridge, and eke at Oxford, have taken an opposite course, and from their being to be had at all times, have at the former place, obtained the _soubriquet_ "Hack Preachers." In the _Gradus ad Cantabrigiam_, they are described as "the common _exhibitioners_ at St. Mary's, employed in the service of defaulters and absentees. It must be confessed, however," adds this writer, "that these HACKS are good fast _trotters_, as they commonly go over the course in twenty minutes, and sometimes less." Gilbert Wakefield, whom nobody will suspect of forbearance, calls them, in his Memoirs, "a piteous, unedifying tribe." This, however, can scarcely be applied to the ordinary preachers of the present day, and especial care is taken by the heads of the university that the _select_ preachers (one of whom is named for each month during term-time) do not name substitutes themselves. The following poetic _jeu d'esprit_, entitled "_Lines on three of the appointed Preachers of St. Mary's, Cambridge, attacking Calvin_" were no others than the three eminent living divines, Dr. Butler, Dr. Maltby, Bishop of Chichester, and Dr. Herbert Marsh, Bishop of Peterborough:--

"Three Preachers, in three distant counties born,
The Church of England's doctrines do adorn:
Harsh Calvin's mystic tenets were their mark,
Founded in texts perverted, gloomy, dark.
_Butler_ in clearness and in force surpassed,
_Maltby_ with sweetness spoke of ages past;
Whilst _Marsh_ himself, who scarce could further go,
With _Criticism's_ fetters bound the foe."

This _punning_ morsel, of some _standing_ in the university, is scarce surpassed by Hood himself:--

THE THREE-HEADED PRIEST.

Old Doctor Delve, a scribbling quiz,
Afraid of critics' jibes,
By turns assumes the various phiz
Of three old classic scribes.

Though now with high erected head,
And lordly strut he'll go by us,
He once made lawyers' robes, 'tis said,
And called himself _Mac-robius_.

Last night I asked the man to sup,
Who showed a second alias;
He gobbled _all my jellies up_,
O greedy _Aulus Gellius_.

On Sunday, arrogant and proud,
He purrs like any tom-puss,
And reads the Word of _God so loud_,
He must be _Theo-pompus_.

* * * * *

MY BEEF BURNT TO A CINDER.

The family of the Spintexts have, it appears, very lately put forth a _scion_, in the person of a learned divine, a Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, who, being appointed a _Select Preacher_ in 1835, delivered a discourse of the extraordinary duration of an _hour and a half_! The present Father of the University and Master of Peter-house, Dr. Francis Barnes, upwards of ninety years of age, was one of the heads present. He sat out the first three quarters of an hour, but then began to be _fidgetty_. Another quarter of an hour expired,--the preacher was still in the _midst_ of his discourse. The Doctor (now become right down impatient,) being seated the lowest (next to the Vice-Chancellor) in _Golgotha_, or the "Place of Skulls," as it is called, he moved, first one seat higher (the preacher is still on his legs,) then to a third, then to a fourth, then to a fifth; and before the hour and a half had quite expired, he joined one of the junior esquire bedells at the top, to whom he observed, with that original expression of face for which he is so remarkable, "my beef is burnt to a cinder."

* * * * *

SHORT HAND WRITING WAS INVENTED BY A CANTAB,

According to the first volume of the Librarian, published by Mr. Savage, of the London Institution; who says, that the first work printed on the subject was by Dr. Timothy Bright, of Cambridge, in 1598, who dedicated it to Queen Elizabeth, under the title of "An art of short, swift, and secret writing, by Character."

* * * * *

THE HUMBLE PETITION OF THE LADIES.

Before the erection of the Senate-House in the University of Cambridge, the annual grand Commencement was held in St. Mary's, the University church. "It seems," says Dyer, in his History of Cambridge, "that on these occasions (the time when gentlemen take their degrees") that is, the degree of M.A. more particularly, "ladies had been allowed to sit in that part of the church assigned to the doctors, called THE THRONE: it was, however, at length agreed amongst them (the doctors) that ladies should be no longer permitted to sit there; and the place assigned to them was under the throne, in the church." This invasion of what the fair almost looked upon as the abstraction of a right, led to a partial war of words and inuendos, and the matter was at last taken up by the facetious Roger Long, D.D., Master of Pembroke College, who, he adds, in his Supplement to his History, was celebrated for his Treatise on Astronomy, and for his erection of a sphere in his College eighteen feet in diameter, still shown there. On this humorous occasion, he was a dissentient against the Heads, not a little bustle was excited amongst the Cambridge ladies, a subject for a few jokes was afforded the wags of the University, and he produced his famous music-speech, spoken at the public Commencement of 1714, on the 6th of July, which was afterwards published, but is now very scarce. It was delivered in an assumed character, as "being the PETITION OF THE LADIES OF CAMBRIDGE," and is full of whim and humour, in Swift's best manner, beginning--

"The humble petition of the ladies, who are all ready to be eaten
up with the spleen,
To think they are to be cooped up in the Chancel, where they can
neither see nor be seen,
But must sit in the dumps by themselves, all stew'd and pent up,
And can only peep through the lattice, like so many chickens in
a coop;
Whereas last Commencement the ladies had a gallery provided near
enough,
To see the heads sleep, and the fellow-commoners take snuff."

"How he could have delivered it in so sacred a place as St. Mary's," says Dyer, "is matter of surprise (though they say, good fun, like good coin, is current any where.") It is pleasant to see a grave man descend from his heights, as Pope says, "to guard the fair." Though nobody could probably be much offended at the time, unless the Vice-Chancellor, whom, if we understand the writer's meaning, he calls _an old woman_, when he says--

"Such cross ill-natured doings as these are, even a saint would vex,
To see a Vice-Chancellor so barbarous to one of his own sex."

But the Doctor had

A NATURAL TURN FOR HUMOUR,

As is further illustrated by the celebrated Mr. Jones, of Welwyn, who calls him "a very ingenious person." "At the public Commencement of 1713," he says, "Dr. Greene (Master of Bene't College, and afterwards Bishop of Ely) being then Vice-Chancellor, Mr. Long was pitched upon for the tripos performance: it was witty and humorous, and has passed through divers editions. Some who remembered the delivery of it, told me, that in addressing the Vice-Chancellor (whom the University wags usually styled _Miss Greene_,) the tripos-orator, being a native of Norfolk, and assuming the Norfolk dialect, instead of saying DominE Vice-CancellariE, did very audibly pronounce the words thus,--DominA Vice-CancellariA; which occasioned a general smile in that great auditory." I could recollect several other

INGENIOUS REPARTEES

Of his, if there were occasion, adds Mr. Jones: but his friend, Mr. Bonfoy, of Ripon, told me this little incident:--that he, and Dr. Long walking together in Cambridge, in a dusky evening, and coming to a short _post_ fixed in the pavement, which Mr. B., in the midst of chat and inattention, took to be a boy standing in his way, he said in a hurry, "Get out of my way, boy." "That boy, sir," said the Doctor, very calmly and slily, "is a _post boy, who turns off his way for nobody_."

* * * * *

CELEBRATED ALL OVER GERMANY.

George the Second is said, like his father, to have had a strong predilection for his continental dominions, of which his ministers did not fail, occasionally, to take advantage. A residentiary of St. Paul's cathedral happening to fall vacant, Lord Granville was anxious to secure it for the learned translator of Demosthenes, Dr. John Taylor, fellow of St. John's College, Cambridge. The King started some scruples at first, but his Lordship carried his point easily, on assuring his Majesty, which was the fact, that "the Doctor's learning was _celebrated all over Germany_."

* * * * *

REBUSES AT OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE.

* * * * *

BECKINGTON.

The learned prelate, at whose expense the rector's lodgings were built at Lincoln College, Oxford, is commemorated by his rebus, a _beacon_ and a _tun_, which may still be traced on the walls.

ALCOCK,

Founder of Jesus College, Cambridge, and Bishop of Ely, either _rebused_ himself, or was _rebused_ by others, in almost every conspicuous part of his College, by a _cock perched upon a globe_. On one window is a cock with a label from its mouth, bearing the inscription, [Greek: Egô eimi alektôr]: to which another opposite bravely crows, says Cole, [Greek: Ontôs kai egô]:

"I am a cock!" the one doth cry:
And t'other answers--"So am I."

There is a plate of him at the head of his celebrated Sermon, printed by Pynson, in 1498, with a cock at each side, and another on the first page. The subject of the discourse is the crowing of the cock when Peter denied Christ.

EGLESFIELD,

The celebrated founder of Queen's College, Oxford, who was a native of Cumberland, and confessor to Philippa, Queen of Edward the Third, gave the College, for its arms, three spread eagles; but a singular custom, according to a _rebus_, has been founded upon the fanciful derivation of his name, from _aiguille_, needle, and _fil_, thread; and it became a commemorative mark of respect, continued to this day, for each member of the College to receive from the Bursar, on New Year's Day, a needle and thread, with the advice, "_Take this and be thrifty_." "These conceits were not unusual at the time the College was founded," says Chalmers, in his History of Oxford, "and are sometimes thought trifling, merely because we cannot trace their original use and signification. Hollingshed informs us, that when the Prince of Wales, afterwards Henry the Fifth, who was educated at this College, went to Court in order to clear himself from certain charges of disaffection, he wore a gown of blue satin, full of oilet holes, and at every hole a needle hanging by a silk thread. This is supposed to prove at least, that he was an academician of Queen's, and it may be conjectured that this was the original academical dress." The same writer says, the Founder ordered that the Society should "be called to their meals by the sound of the trumpet (a practice which still prevails, as does a similar one at the Middle Temple, London,) and the Fellows being placed on one side of the table in robes of scarlet (those of the Doctor's faced with black fur,) were to oppose in philosophy the poor scholars, who, in token of submission and humility, kept on the other side. As late as the last century the Fellows and Taberders used sometimes to dispute on Sundays and holidays.

ASHTON.

In an arched recess of the ante-chapel of St. John's College, Cambridge, is the tomb of the celebrated Dr. Hugh Ashton, who took part with the famous Bishop Fisher (beheaded by Henry the Eighth) in the erection of the buildings of that learned foundation, and was the second Master of the Society. His tomb, as Fuller observes, exhibits "the marble effigy of his body when living, and the humiliating contrast of his skeleton when dead, with the usual conceit of the times, the figure of an _ash tree_ growing out of a _tun_."

LAKE LEMAN.

Dyer records of the learned contemporary and antiquarian coadjutor of the late Bishop of Cloyne, the Rev. Mr. _Leman_, a descendant of the famous Sir Robert Naunton, Public Orator at Cambridge, and a Secretary of State, that "his drawing-room was painted _en fresco_ with the scenery around _Lake Leman_."

SOMETHING IN YOUR WAY.

The same relates of himself, that, one day looking at some caricatures at a window in Fleet-street, Peter Pindar (Dr. Wolcot,) whom he knew, came up to him. "There, sir," said Mr. Dyer to the Doctor, pointing to the _caricatures_, "is something in _your_ way." "And there is something in _your_ way," rejoined the Doctor, pointing to some of the ladies of the _pave_ who happened to be passing. Peter was sure to pay in full.

DUNS

Have ever been a grievous source of disquietude to both Oxonians and Cantabs. Tom Randolph, the favourite son of Ben Johnson, made them the subject of his muse. But in no instance, perhaps, have the race been so completely put to the blush, "couleur de rose," as by the following

ODE ON THE PLEASURE OF BEING OUT OF DEBT.

HORACE, ODE XXII. BOOK I. IMITATED.

_Integer vitæ scelerisque purus, &c._

I.

The man who not a farthing owes,
Looks down with scornful eye on those
Who rise by fraud and cunning;
Though in the _Pig-market_ he stand,
With aspect grave and clear-starched band,
He fears no tradesman's dunning.

II.

He passes by each shop in town,
Nor hides his face beneath his gown,
No dread his heart invading;
He quaffs the nectar of the _Tuns_,
Or on a spur-gall'd hackney runs
To London masquerading.

III.

What joy attends a new-paid debt!
Our _Manciple_[9] I lately met,
Of visage wise and prudent;
I on the nail my _battels_ paid,
The master turn'd away dismay'd,
Hear this each OXFORD student!

IV.

With justice and with truth to trace
The grisly features of his face,
Exceeds all man's recounting;
Suffice, he look'd as grim and sour
As any lion in the Tower,
Or half starved cat-a-mountain.

V.

A phiz so grim you scarce can meet,
In Bedlam, Newgate, or the Fleet,
Dry nurse of faces horrid!
Not BUCKHORSE fierce, with many a bruise,
Displays such complicated hues
On his undaunted forehead.

VI.

Place me on Scotland's bleakest hill,
Provided I can pay my bill,
Stay ev'ry thought of sorrow;
There falling sleet, or frost, or rain,
Attack a soul resolved, in vain--
It may be fair to-morrow.

VII.

To _Haddington_ then let me stray,
And take _Joe Pullen's tree_ away,
I'll ne'er complain of Phoebus;
But while he scorches up the grass,
I'll fill a bumper to my lass,
And toast her in a rebus.

[9] Churton says, in his Lives of the Founders of Brazenose
College, Oxford, that "Manciples, the purveyors general of
Colleges and Halls, were formerly men of so much consequence,
that, to check their ambition, it was ordered by an express
statute, that no Manciple should be Principal of a Hall."

QUEERING A DUN.

A Cambridge wag who was skilled in the science of electricity, as well as in the art of _ticking_, having got in pretty deep with his tailor, who was continually _dunning_ him for payment, resolved to give snip "_a settler_," as he said, the next time he mounted his stairs. He accordingly _charged_ his electrifying machine much deeper than usual, and knowing pretty well the time of snip's approach, watched his coming to the foot of the stairs where he _kept_, and ere he could reach the door, fixed the _conductor_ to the _brass handle_. The tailor having long in vain sought occasion to catch him with his _outer_ door not _sported_, was so delighted at finding it so, that, resolving not to lose time, he seized the handle of the _inner_ door, so temptingly exposed to view, determining to introduce himself to his creditor _sans ceremonie_. No sooner, however, did his fingers come in contact with it than the _shock_ followed, so violent, that it stunned him for an instant: but recovering himself, he bolted as though followed, as the poet says, by "ten thousand devils," never again to return.

* * * * *

GRAY THE POET A CONTRAST TO BISHOP WARBURTON.

Gray's letters, and Bishop Warburton's polemical writings, show, that in more respects than one they were gifted with a like temperament: but in the following instances they form a contrast to each other. In the library of the British Museum is an interesting letter occasioned by the death of the Rev. N. Nicholls, LL.B., Rector of Loud and Bradwell, in Suffolk, from the pen of the now generally acknowledged author of "The Pursuits of Literature," J. T. Mathias, M.A., in which he says, that shortly after that elegant scholar, and lamented divine, became a student of Trinity Hall, Cambridge, at the age of eighteen, a friend introduced him to Gray, the poet, at that time redolent with fame, and resident in Peter-House, to speak to whom was honourable; but to be admitted to his acquaintance, or to his familiarity, was the height of youthful, or indeed of any ambition. Shortly after this, Mr. N. was in a company of which Mr. Gray was one; and, as it became his youth, he did not enter into conversation, but listened with attention. The subject, however, being general and classical, and as Mr. Nicholls, even at that early period, was acquainted not only with the Greek and Latin, but with many of the best Italian poets, he ventured, with great diffidence, to offer a short remark, and happened to illustrate what he had said by an apposite quotation from Dante. At the name of Dante, Mr. Gray suddenly turned round to him and said, "Right: but have you read Dante, sir?" "I have endeavoured to understand him," replied Mr. N. Mr. Gray being much pleased with the illustration, and with the taste which it evinced, addressed the chief of his discourse to him for the remainder of the evening, and invited him to his rooms in Pembroke Hall; and finding him ready and docile, he became attached to him and gave him instruction in the course of his studies, to which, adds Mr. Mathias, "I attribute the extent and value of his knowledge, and the peculiar accuracy and correct taste which distinguished him throughout life, and which I have seldom observed in any man in a more eminent degree." And I wish every young man of genius might hear and consider, observes Mr. M., commenting upon an incident so honourable to all parties, "the

VALUE OF A WORD SPOKE IN DUE SEASON,

With modesty and propriety, in the highest, I mean the most learned and virtuous company." What a different spirit was evinced, in the following incident, by that great polemical writer, Bishop Warburton: but it happily originated

THE CANONS OF CRITICISM,

Which were the production of Thomas Edwards, an Etonian and King's College man, where he graduated M.A. in 1734, but missing a fellowship, turned soldier. After he had been some time in the army, says a writer in the Gentleman's Magazine, for 1779, it so happened that, being at Bath, after Mr. Warburton's marriage to Mr. Allen's niece, he was introduced at Prior Park, _en famille_. The conversation not unfrequently turning on literary subjects, Mr. Warburton generally took the opportunity of showing his superiority in Greek, not having the least idea that an officer of the army understood anything of that language, or that Mr. Edwards had been bred at Eton; till one day, being accidentally in the library, Mr. Edwards took down a Greek author, and explained a passage in it in a manner that Mr. Warburton did not approve. This occasioned no small contest; and Mr. Edwards (who had now discovered to Mr. Warburton how he came by his knowledge) endeavoured to convince him, that he did not understand the original language, but that his knowledge arose from French translations. Mr. Warburton was highly irritated; an incurable breach took place; and this trifling altercation (after Mr. Edwards had quitted the army and was entered of Lincoln's Inn) produced _The Canons of Criticism_.

* * * * *

BISHOP BARRINGTON'S SPLENDID GIFT, AND OTHER TRAITS OF HIM.

That munificent prelate and Oxonian, Dr. Shute Barrington, sixth son of the first Viscount, and the late Bishop of Durham, a prelate, indeed, whose charities were unbounded, was so conscientious in the discharge of his functions, that he personally examined all candidates for Holy Orders, and, however strongly they might be recommended, rejected all that appeared unworthy of the sacred trust. On one occasion, a relative, relying for advancement upon his patronage, having intimated a desire to enter the Church, the Bishop inquired with what preferment he would be contented. "Five hundred pounds a year will satisfy all my wants," was the reply. "You shall have it," answered the conscientious prelate: "not out of the patrimony of the Church, but out of my private fortune." The same Bishop gave the entire of 60,000_l._ at once, for founding schools, unexpectedly recovered in a lawsuit; and amongst other persons of talent, preferred Paley to the valuable living of Bishop Wearmouth, unsolicited and totally unknown to him, save through his valuable writings.

* * * * *

AN ADMIRABLE PULPIT ADMONITION

Is recorded of the celebrated Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, the Rev. James Scott, M.A., better known as Anti-Sejanus, who acquired extraordinary eminence as a pulpit orator, both in and out of the University. He frequently preached at St. Mary's, where crowds of the University attended him. On one occasion he offended the Undergraduates, by the delivery of a severe philippic against gaming; which they deeming a work of supererogation, evinced their displeasure by _scraping_ the floor with their feet (an old custom now scarcely resorted to twice in a century.) He, however, severely censured them for this act of indecorum, shortly afterwards, in another discourse, for which he selected the appropriate text, "_Keep thy feet when thou goest to the House of God_."

* * * * *

THE SIMPLICITY OF GREAT MINDS.

It is not surprising that our distinguished philosophers and mathematicians have rarely evinced much knowledge of men and manners, or of the ordinary circumstances of life, since they are so much occupied in telling "the number of the stars," in tracing the wonders of creation, or in balancing the mental and physical powers of man. Our illustrious Cantab, Bacon, says his biographer, was cheated by his servants at the bottom, whilst he sat in abstraction at the top of his table; and he of whom Dr. Johnson said (the great and good NEWTON,) that had he lived in the days of ancient Greece, he would have been worshipped as a deity; of whom, too, the poet wrote--

"Nature and Nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, 'Let NEWTON be,' and all was light,"

Caused a smaller hole to be perforated in his room door, when his favourite cat had a kitten, not remembering that it would follow puss through the larger one. Another more modern and less distinguished but not less amiable Cantab, who was _Senior Wrangler_ in his year, one day inquired--

"OF WHAT COUNTRY MARINES WERE?"

Another distinguished _Senior Wrangler_, Professor and divine, occasionally amuses his friends by rehearsing the fact, that once, having, to preach in the neighbourhood of Cambridge, he hired a blind horse to ride the distance on, and his path laying cross a common, where the road was but indistinctly marked, he became so absorbed in abstract calculations, that, forgetting to guide his steed aright, he and the horse wandered so far awry, that they tumbled "head over heels," as the folks say, upon a cow slumbering by the way side. _On dit_, the same Cantab was one morning caught over his breakfast-fire with an egg in his hand, to minute the time by, and his--

WATCH DOING TO A TURN IN THE SAUCEPAN.

When he went in for A.B. his natural _diffidence_ prevented his doing much in the first four days of the Senate House examination, and he was consequently _bracketted low_: but rallying his confidence, he challenged all the men of his years, and was _Senior Wrangler_. This incident caused him to be received with rapturous applause, upon his being presented to the Vice-Chancellor for his degree, on the following Saturday. A few days after he is said to have been in London, and entered one of the larger theatres at the same instant with ROYALTY itself:--the audience rose with one accord, and thunders of applause followed! "_This is too much_," said our Cantab to his friend, modestly hiding his face in his hat, having, in the _simplicity_ of his heart, taken the _huzzas and claps_ to be an _improved_ edition of the Senate House. Another Cantab, who was also a Senior Wrangler, and guilty of many singularities, as well as some follies, one who has _unjustly_ heaped reproach on the head of his _Alma Mater_ (see his "Progress of a Senior Wrangler at Cambridge," in the numbers of the defunct London Magazine,) had the following quaternion posted on his room door in Trinity:--

"King Solomon in days of old,
The wisest man was reckon'd:
I fear as much cannot be told
Of Solomon the Second."

* * * * *

A HOST OF SINGULARITIES

Are recorded of the famous Cantab and Etonian, the Rev. George Harvest, B.D., who was one day walking in the Temple Gardens, London, with the son of his patron, the great Speaker Onslow, when he picked up a curious pebble, observing he would keep it for his friend, Lord Bute. He and his companion were going to _The Beef-steak Club_, then held in Ivy-lane. Mr. Onslow asked him what o'clock it was, upon which he took out his watch, and observed they had but ten minutes good. Another turn or two was proposed, but they had scarcely made half the length of the walk, when he coolly put the pebble into his _fob_, and threw his watch into the Thames. He was at another time in a boat with the same gentleman, when he began to read a favourite Greek author (for, like Porson, his coat pockets generally contained a moderate library) with such emphasis and strange gesticulations, that

HIS WIG AND HAT FELL INTO THE WATER,

And he coolly stepped overboard to recover them, without once dreaming that it was not _terra-firma_, and was _fished_ out with great difficulty. He frequently wrote a letter to one person, forgot to subscribe his name to it, and directed it to another. On one occasion he provided himself with three sermons, having been appointed to preach before the Archdeacon and Clergy of the district. Some wags got them, and having intermixed the leaves, stitched them together in that state, and put them into his sermon-case. He mounted the pulpit at the usual time, took his text, but soon surprised his reverend audience by taking leave of the thread of his discourse. He was, however, so insensible to the dilemma in which he was placed, that he went preaching on. At last the congregation became impatient, both from the length and the nature of his sermon. First the archdeacon slipped out, then the clergy, one by one, followed by the rest of the congregation; but he never flagged, and would have finished

HIS TRIPLE, THRICE-CONFUSED DISCOURSE,

Had not the clerk reminded him that they were the sole occupants of the lately-crowded church. He went down to Cambridge to vote for his Eton contemporary,

THE CELEBRATED LORD SANDWICH,

When the latter was candidate for the dignity of High-steward of the University, in opposition to PITT. His lordship invited him to dine with some friends at the Rose Inn. "_Apropos_, my lord," exclaimed Harvest, during the meal, "whence do you derive your nick-name of _Jemmy Twitcher_?" "Why," said his lordship, "from some foolish fellow." "No, no," said Harvest, "not from some, for every body calls you so;" on which his lordship, knowing it to be the favourite dish of his quondam friend, put a huge slice of plum-pudding upon his plate, which effectually stopped his mouth. His lordship has the credit of being the originator and first President of the Cambridge Oriental Club. He was also

THE INVENTOR OF SANDWICHES.

Once passing a whole day at some game of which he was fond, he became so absorbed in its progress, that he denied himself time to eat, in the usual way, and ordered a slice of beef between two pieces of toasted bread, which he masticated without quitting his game; and that sort of refreshment has ever since borne the designation of _a Sandwich_. Parkes, in his Musical Memoirs, gives him the credit of

LAPSUS LINGUÆ.

It happened, he says, that during a feast given to his lordship by the Corporation of Worcester, when he was First Lord of the Admiralty, a servant let fall a dish with a boiled neat's tongue, as he was bringing it to table. The Mayor expressing his concern to his lordship, "Never mind," said he, "it's only a _lapsus linguæ_!" which Witty saying creating a great deal of mirth, one of the Aldermen present, at a dinner he gave soon after, instructed his servant to throw down a roast leg of mutton, that he too might have his joke. This was done; "Never mind," he exclaimed to his friends, "it's only a _lapsus linguæ_." The company stared, but he begun a roaring laugh, _solus_. Finding nobody joined therein, he stopped his mirth, saying, that when Lord Sandwich said it, every body laughed, and he saw no reason why they should not laugh at him. This sally had the desired effect, and the company, one and all, actually shook their sides, and our host was satisfied.

* * * * *

OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE LOYALTY.

In 1717, George I. and his ministers had contrived to make themselves so unpopular, that the badges of the disaffected, oaken boughs, were publicly worn on the 29th of May, and white roses on the birth-day of the Pretender, the 10th of June. Oxford, and especially the university, manifested such strong feelings, that it was deemed expedient to send a military force there: Cambridge, more inclined to the Whig principles of the court and government, was at the same time complimented with a present of books. Upon this occasion, Dr. Trapp, the celebrated Oxford poet and divine, wrote the following epigram:--

Our royal master saw, with heedful eyes,
The wants of his two universities:
Troops he to Oxford sent, as knowing why
That learned body wanted loyalty;
But books to Cambridge gave, as well discerning
How that right loyal body wanted learning.

Cambridge, as may be well supposed, was not backward in retorting: and an able champion she found in her equally celebrated scholar, physician, and benefactor, Sir William Blowne (founder of a scholarship and the three gold medals called after his name,) who replied to Dr. Trapp in the following quaternion:--

The king to Oxford sent a troop of horse,
For Tories know no argument but force:
With equal grace, to Cambridge books he sent,
For Whigs allow no force but argument.

Not that Cambridge was behind Oxford in supporting the unfortunate Charles the First, to whom the several colleges secretly conveyed nearly all their ancient plate; and Cromwell, in consequence, retaliated by confining and depriving numbers of her most distinguished scholars, both laymen and divines, many of whom died in exile: and the commissioners of parliament, with a taste worthy of the worst barbarians, caused many of the buildings to be despoiled of their architectural ornaments and exquisite pieces of sculpture and painted glass. It was at this time appeared the following celebrated poetic trifle, extant in the Oxford Sausage, known as

THE CUSHION PLOT,

Written by Herbert Beaver, Esq., of Corpus Christi College, Oxford, when "Gaby" (as the then President, Dr. Shaw, is called, who had been a zealous Jacobite,) suddenly, on the accession of George the First, became a still more zealous patron of the interests of the House of Hanover.

When GABY possession had got of the _Hall_,
He took a survey of the Chapel and all,
Since that, like the rest, was just ready to fall,
_Which nobody can deny_.

And first he began to examine the chest,
Where he found an old _Cushion_ which gave him distaste;
The first of the kind that e'er _troubled his rest,_
_Which nobody can deny_.

Two letters of Gold on this Cushion were rear'd;
Two letters of gold once by GABY rever'd,
But now what was loyalty, treason appear'd:
_Which nobody can deny_.

"J. R. (quoth the Don, in soliloquy bass)
"See the works of this damnable Jacobite race!
"We'll out with the J, and put G in its place:"
_Which nobody can deny_.

And now to erase these letters so rich,
For scissors and bodkin his fingers did itch,
For Converts in politics go _thorough-stich_:
_Which nobody can deny_:

The thing was about as soon done as said,
Poor _J_ was deposed and _G_ reigned in his stead;
Such a quick revolution sure never was read!
_Which nobody can deny_.

Then hey for preferment--but how did he stare,
When convinced and ashamed of not being aware,
That _J_ stood for JENNET,[10] for RAYMOND the _R_,
_Which nobody can deny_.

Then beware, all ye priests, from hence I advise,
How ye choose Christian names for the babes ye baptize,
For if GABY don't like 'em he'll pick out their I's,
_Which nobody can deny_.

[10] The benefactor who gave the college the Cushion.

* * * * *

Terræ Filius relates the following instance of

THE DANGER OF DRINKING THE KING'S HEALTH.

Mr. Carty of University College, and Mr. Meadowcourt of Merton College, Oxford (says this writer,) were suspended from proceeding to their next degree, in 1716, the first for a period of one, the second for a period of two years, the latter further, not to be permitted "to supplicate for his grace, until he confesses his manifold crimes, and asks pardon _upon his knees, For breaking out to that degree of impudence_ (when the Proctor admonished him to go home from the tavern at an unseasonable hour,) as to command all the company, with a loud voice, _to drink King_ GEORGE'S _health_." And, strange enough, persisting in his refusal to ask pardon, as required, he only ultimately obtained his degree by pleading the _act of grace_ of the said King George, enacted in favour of those who had been guilty of treason, &c. These were, it appears, both Fellows of colleges, and with several others, who were likewise put in the _Black-book_, were members of a society in Oxford, called

"THE CONSTITUTION CLUB,"

At a meeting of which it was that the king was _toasted_.

AMONGST THE CAMBRIDGE CLUBS

Was one formed, in 1757, by the _Wranglers_ of that year, including the late Professor Waring; the celebrated reformer Dr. Jebb the munificent founder of the Cambridge Hebrew Scholarships; Mr. Tyrwhitt; and other learned men. It was called _The Hyson Club_, the entertainments being only tea and conversation. Paley, who joined it after he became tutor of Christ College, is thus made to speak of it by a writer in the New Monthly Magazine for 1825:--"We had a club at Cambridge, of political reformers; it was called the Hyson Club, as we met at tea time; and various schemes were discussed among us. Jebb's plan was, that the people should meet and declare their will; and if the House of Commons should pay due attention to the will of the people, why, well and good; if not, the people were to convey their will into effect. We had no idea that we were talking treason. I was always an advocate for _braibery and corrooption_: they raised an outcry against me, and affected to think I was not in earnest. 'Why,' said I, 'who is so mad as to wish to be governed by force? or who is such a fool as to expect to be governed by virtue? There remains, then, nothing but _braibery and corrooption_.'" No particular subjects were proposed for discussion at their meetings, but accident or the taste of individuals naturally led to topics, such as literary and scientific characters might freely discuss. At a meeting where the debate was on the justice or expediency of making some alteration in the ecclesiastical constitution of the country, for the relief of tender consciences, Dr. Gordon, of Emmanuel College, late Precentor of Lincoln, vehemently opposed the arguments of Dr. Jebb, then tutor of Peter House, who supported the affirmative, by exclaiming, "You mean, Sir, to impose upon us a new church government." "You are mistaken," said Paley, who was present, "Jebb only wants to ride his own horse, not to force you to get up behind him."

* * * * *

THE RETROGRADATION AMONGST MASTERS, TUTORS, AND SCHOLARS.

Discipline, like every thing else characteristic of our elder institutions, has for some years been fast giving way in our universities. Statutes are permitted to slumber unheeded, as not fitted to the present _advanced_ state of society; and in colleges where it would, as late as the beginning of the nineteenth century, have been almost a crime to have been seen in hall or chapel without _a white cravat on_, scholars now strut in black ones, "unawed by _imposition_" or a fine. I can remember the time when this inroad upon decent appearance first begun, and when the Dean of _our_ college put forth his strong arm, and insisted on white having the preference. Men then used to wear their black till they came to the _hall or chapel_ door, then take them off, and walk in with none at all, and again twist them round the neck, heedless whether the tie were _Brummell_ or not, on issuing forth from Prayers or Commons. Like the Whigs, they have by perseverance carried their point, and strut about in black, wondering what they shall next attempt.

* * * * *

THERE IS AN ON-DIT,

That at the time Dr. W---- became Master of St. John's College, Cambridge, the tutors used to oblige (and it was a custom for) the scholars to stand, cap in hand (if any tutor entered a court where they might be passing,) till the said tutor disappeared. This was so rigorously enforced, that the scholars complained to the new master, and he desired the tutors to relax the custom. This order they refused to comply with. Upon this the Doctor took down from a shelf a copy of the _College Statutes_, and coolly read to them a section, where the fellows of the same were enjoined to stand, cap in hand, till the master passed by, wherever they met him; and the Doctor, it is added, insisted upon its observance, on pain of ejection, till at length the tutors gave way.

* * * * *

THE WORCESTER GOBLIN.

Foote the comedian was, in his youthful days, a student of Worcester College, Oxford, under the care of the Provost, Dr. Gower. The Doctor was a learned and amiable man, but a pedant. The latter characteristic was soon seized upon by the young satirist, as a source whereon to turn his irresistible passion for wit and humour. The church at this time belonging to Worcester College, fronted a lane were cattle were turned out to graze, and (as was then the case in many towns, and is still in some English villages) the church porch was open, with the bell-ropes suspended in the centre. Foote tied a wisp of hay to one of them, and this was no sooner scented by the cattle at night, than it was seized upon as a dainty morsel. Tug, tug, went one and all, and "ding-dong" went the bell at midnight, to the astonishment of the Doctor, the sexton, the whole parish, and the inmates of the College. The young wag kept up the joke for several successive nights, and reports of ghosts, goblins, and frightful visions, soon filled the imagination of old and young with alarm, and many a simple man and maiden whisked past the scene of midnight revel ere the moon had "filled her horns," struck with fear and trembling. The Doctor suspected some trick. He, accordingly, engaged the Sexton to watch with him for the detection of the culprit. They had not long lain hid, under favour of a dark night, when "ding-dong" went the bell again: both rushed from their hiding places, and the sexton commenced the attack by seizing the cow's tail, exclaiming, "'Tis a gentleman commoner,--I have him by the tail of his gown!" The Doctor approached on the opposite tack, and seized a horn with both hands, crying, "No, no, you blockhead, 'tis the postman,--I have caught the rascal by his _blowing-horn_!" and both bawled lustily for assistance, whilst the cow kicked and flung to get free; but both held fast till lights were procured, when the real offender stood revealed, and the laugh of the whole town was turned upon the Doctor and his fellow-_night_-errant, the Sexton.

* * * * *

RECORDS OF THE CAMBRIDGE TRIPOSES.

The Spoon, in the words of Lord Byron's Don Juan,

"---- The name by which we Cantabs please,
To dub the last of honours in degrees,"

is the annual subject for University mirth, and if not the _fountain_, is certainly the very _foundation_ of Cambridge University honours: without _the spoon_, not a man in the _Tripos_ would have a _leg to stand upon_: in fact, it would be a top without a bottom, _minus_ the spoon. Yet "this luckless wight," says the compiler of the Cambridge Tart, is annually a universal butt and laughing-stock of the whole Senate-House. He is the last of those men who take _honours_ of his year, and is called a "_junior optime_," and notwithstanding his being superior to them all, the lowest of the [Greek: Hoi polloi] or Gregarious Undistinguished Bachelors, think themselves entitled to shoot their pointless arrows against the "_wooden spoon_," and to reiterate the perennial remark, that, "_wranglers_" are born with _golden_ spoons in their mouths; "_senior optimes_" with _silver_ spoons; "_junior optimes_" with _wooden spoons_, and the [Greek: Hoi polloi] with _leaden_ spoons in their mouths. It may be here, however, observed, that it is unjust towards the _undistinguished bachelors_ to say that "he (the spoon) is superior to them all." He is generally a man who has read hard, _id est_, has _done his best_, whilst the undistinguished bachelors, it is well known, include many men of considerable, even superior talents, but having no taste for _mathematics_, have merely read sufficient to get a degree; consequently _have not done their best_. The muse has thus invoked

THE WOODEN SPOON.

When sage _Mathesis_ calls her sons to fame,
The _Senior Wrangler_ bears the highest name.
In academic honour richly deckt,
He challenges from all deserved respect.
But, if to visit friends he leaves his gown,
And flies in haste to cut a dash in town,
The wrangler's title, little understood,
Suggests a man in disputation good;
And those of common talents cannot raise,
Their humble thoughts a wrangler's mind to praise.
Such honours to an Englishman soon fade,
Like laurel wreaths, the victor's brows that shade.
No such misfortune has that man to fear,
Whom fate ordains the last in fame's career;
His honours fresh remain, and e'en descend
To soothe his family, or chosen friend.
And while he lives, he _wields_ the boasted prize,
Whose value all can feel, the weak, the wise;
Displays in triumph his distinguished boon,
The solid honours of the WOODEN SPOON!

That many have borne off this prize who might have _done better_, is well known too. One learned Cantab in that situation felt so assured of his fate, when it might have been more honourable, had he been gifted with prudence and perseverance, that on the morning when it is customary to give out the _honours_, in the Senate House, in their _order of merit_, he provided himself with a large _wooden spoon_, and when there was a call from the gallery, for "_the spoon_" (for then the Undergraduates were allowed to express their likes and dislikes publicly, a custom now _suppressed_,) he turned the shafts of ridicule aside by thrusting the emblem of his honours up high over his head,--an act that gained him no slight applause. Another Cantab, of precisely the same _grade_ as to talent, who was second in the _classical tripos_ of his year, gave a supper on the occasion of the spoon being awarded to him, which commenced with _soup_, each man being furnished with a ponderous _wooden spoon_ to _lap_ it with. Another, now a Fellow of Trinity College, who more than once bore off the _Porson prize_, being in this _place of honour_, a wag nailed a large _wooden spoon_ to his door. Hundreds of other tricks have been put upon _the spoon_, next to whom are--

THE POLL; OR, [Greek: HOI POLLOI]: