Chapter I: Part 1

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Transcriber's note:

Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).

Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=).

The oe ligature is shown as [oe].

OUR PEOPLE

Sketched by

CHARLES KEENE.

from the Collection of "Mr. Punch."

Boston, James R. Osgood & Co. 1881.

"Our People." Sketches from 'Punch' by 'C. K.'

Illustration

OUR PEOPLE. AT HOME.

OUR PEOPLE. STREET-LIFE.

OUR PEOPLE. IN THE COUNTRY.

OUR PEOPLE. TRAVELLING.

OUR PEOPLE. PROFESSIONAL.

OUR PEOPLE. OFFICIAL.

OUR PEOPLE. IN THE ARMY.

OUR PEOPLE. ART AND ARTISTS.

OUR PEOPLE. VOLUNTEERS.

OUR PEOPLE. AT BUSINESS.

OUR PEOPLE. DOMESTICS.

OUR PEOPLE. WORKING FOLK.

OUR PEOPLE. IN IRELAND.

OUR PEOPLE. IN SCOTLAND.

&c., &c.

Illustration: Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!

COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE,"

ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME,

Society Pictures By

GEORGE DU MAURIER.

JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS.

Illustration: Mens Conscia.

=Inspector= (_who notices a backwardness in History_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA?" (_No answer._)

=Inspector= (_more urgently_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA?" (_No answer._)

=Inspector= (_angrily_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA!!?"

=Scapegrace= (_Thinking matters are beginning to look serious_). "PLEASE, SIR, 'TWASN'T ME, SIR!!"

Illustration: _Dignity._

=Club "Buttons."= "I'M AT THE 'JUNIOR PENINSULAR' NOW."

=Friend.= "WHAT! DID YOU 'GET THE SACK' FROM 'THE REYNOLDS'?"

=Buttons= (_indignant_). "GO ALONG WITH YER! 'GET THE SACK!' I SENT IN MY RESI'NATION TO THE C'MMITTEE!"

Illustration: _Family Pride._

=First Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A ORFICER." =Second Boy.= "WHAT ORFICER?" =First Boy.= "WHY, A CORPORAL!" =Third Boy= (_evidently "comic"_). "SO'S MY FATHER--HE'S A ORFICER, TOO--A GENERAL, HE IS!" =Fourth Boy.= "GO ALONG WITH YER!" =Third Boy.= "SO HE IS--HE'S A _GENERAL DEALER_!!"

Illustration: _Bad Customer._

=Landlady.= "WHAT GENTLEMAN'S LUGGAGE IS THIS, SAM?"

=Ancient Waiter.= "GE'TLEMAN'S LUGGAGE, 'M! 'OR' BLESHYER, NO, MUM! THAT'S _ARTIS'S TRAPS_, THAT IS. THEY'LL 'AVE TEA HERE TO-NIGHT, TAKE A LITTLE LODGIN' TO-MORROW, AND THERE THEY'LL BE A LOAFIN ABOUT THE PLACE FOR MONTHS, DOIN' NO GOOD TO NOBODY!"

Illustration: "_March of Refinement._"

=Brown= (_behind the Age, but hungry_). "GIVE ME THE BILL OF FARE, WAITER."

=Head Waiter.= "BEG PARDON, SIR?"

=Brown.= "THE BILL OF FARE."

=Head Waiter.= "THE WHAT, SIR? O!--AH!--YES!"--(_to Subordinate_)--"CHAWLES, BRING THIS--THIS--A--GEN'LEMAN--THE _MENOO_!!"

Illustration: _Refrigerated Tourists._

=Provincial Waiter.= "ICE! GENTLEMEN! THERE AIN'T NO ICE IN AUTUMN TIME. BUT IT'S EASY TO SEE YOU ARE GENTS FROM LONDON, AS DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT NATURE, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR IT, IN COURSE. BUT, ICE IN AUGUST!" _Exit, sniggering._

Illustration: Intelligent Pet.

"MA, DEAR, WHAT DO THEY PLAY THE ORGAN SO LOUD FOR, WHEN 'CHURCH' IS OVER? IS IT TO WAKE US UP?"

Illustration: "Durance."

=Little Daughter.= "WON'T THEY LET US OUT WITHOUT PAYING, MA'?"

Illustration: _The Mystery Solved._

=Effie= (_our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church." Aloud--with intense surprise_). "PA AND ALL THE DEAR LITTLE BOYS, IN THEIR NIGHTGOWNS, GOING TO BYE-BYE!!"

Illustration: _A Pledged M. P._

=M. P.'s Bride= "OH! WILLIAM, DEAR--IF YOU ARE--A LIBERAL--DO BRING IN A BILL--NEXT SESSION--FOR THAT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL!!"

Illustration: "_Perils of the Deep._"

=Unprotected Female= (_awaking old Gent., who is not very well_). "O, MISTER, WOULD YOU FIND THE CAPTAIN? I'M SURE WE'RE IN DANGER! I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE MAN AT THE WHEEL; HE KEEPS TURNING IT ROUND FIRST ONE WAY AND THEN THE OTHER, AND EVIDENTLY DOESN'T KNOW HIS OWN MIND!!"

Illustration: "_The Pink of Fashion._"

"OUR FLOWER SHOW WAS A DECIDED SUCCESS THIS YEAR, AND LITTLE FIDKINS IN AN EMBROIDERED FLORAL WAISTCOAT WAS KILLING!"

Illustration: _The Bird Show._

=That Charming Gal= _with the blue feather_ (_to Prize Canary_). "SWEETY, DEAR!"

=Comic Man= (_"Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the pedestal_). "YES, DUCKY!"

_Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!_

Illustration: "_Trying._"

=Happy Swain= (_she has "named the day"_). "AND NOW, DEAREST EDITH, THAT IS ALL SETTLED. WITH REGARD TO JEWELLERY, MY LOVE; WOULD YOU LIKE A SET IN PLAIN GOLD, OR----"

=Edith= (_economical and courageous, and who suffers a good deal from toothache_). "OH, AUGUSTUS, NOW YOU ASK ME--DO YOU KNOW--I--REALLY--BUT--MR. CLINCH TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT HE COULD EXTRACT ALL I HAVE, AND PUT IN A BEAUTIFUL NEW SET FOR ONLY FIFTEEN GUINEAS!!"

Illustration: Common Prudence.

=Snob.= "OH, LET'S GET OUT O' THIS MOB, 'ARRY! THEY'LL THINK WE'RE A GOIN' TO _CHURCH_!"

Illustration: The Triumphs of Temper.

=Fare= (_out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile_). "HI, THIS WON'T DO! I SHALL GET OUT!"

=Cabby= (_through the trap, in a whisper_). "AH THIN, SOR, NIVER MIND HER! SIT STILL! DON'T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION AV KNOWIN' SHE'S GOT RID AV YE!!"

Illustration: "For Better for Worse."

_Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of old Harlesden the stockbroker._

=Mrs. B.= (_Retiring_). "SHALL I SEND MY POPPET HIS SLIPPERS?"

=Mr. B.= "N-N-N-N-O--NOT AT PRESENT, THANKS!" (_Sotto voce to his guest when the door was closed._) "NOT SO FOND OF HAVING THE MUZZLES ON MY FEET AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING, YOU KNOW, BARNEY!!"

Illustration: A Half Truth.

=Guard= (_of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco_). "STRONG SMELL OF SMOKE, SIR!"

=Passenger= (_his cigar covered by his newspaper_). "YA-AS; THE PARTY WHO HAS JUST GOT OUT HAS BEEN SMOKING FURIOUSLY!!"

Illustration: Poor Humanity!

=Bride.= "I THINK--GEORGE, DEAR--I SHOULD--BE BETTER--IF WE WALKED ABOUT----"

=Husband= (_one wouldn't have believed it of him_). "YOU CAN DO AS YOU LIKE, LOVE. I'M VERY WELL(!) AS I AM!!"

Illustration: _Family Ties._

(_Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the Egyptian Hall--M. and C._)

=Aunt.= "GRACIOUS GOODNESS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CUPBOARD, YOU NAUGHTY BOYS?"

=Jacky.= "OH, AUNT, WE'RE PLAYING 'MASCULINE AND COOK'! I TIE HIM TO THE CHAIR, AND WHEN THE DOOR'S OPENED HIS HANDS ARE FREE. THEN HE DOES ME!!"

Illustration: "_Prevention Better than Cure._"

=Jeames= (_excitedly_). "HERE--HERE--HERE'S THE SHILLIN'! QUICK--QUICK--OFF WITH YOU!"

=German Impostor= (_affecting concern_). "DERE IS SOME VUN ILL?"

=Jeames.= "WELL, NOT JUST YET! BUT THERE PRECIOUS SOON WILL BE, IF YOU DON'T KNOCK OFF!"

Illustration: The Roll-Call.

=Sergeant.= "ALISTER MCALISTER!"

=Answer.= "HAMISHO!"

=Sergeant.= "DONAL' MCBEAN!"

=Answer.= "HAMISHO!"

=Sergeant.= "PETER MCKAY!"

ANSWER. "HAMISHO!"

=Sergeant.= "JOHN SMITH!"

=Answer.= "HERE, SIR!"

=Sergeant= (_with a Sniff_). "UGH! 'ENGLISH POCK-PUDDING'"!!

Illustration: _Gentility in Greens._

(_Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago!_)

=Greengrocer.= "CABBAGE, MUM!? WE DON'T KEEP NO SECOND-CLASS VEGETABLES, MUM. YOU'LL GET IT AT THE LOWER END O' THE TOWN!"

Illustration: _Plain to Demonstration._

=Customer= (_nervously_). "AH! THEY MUST BE VERY IRKSOME AT FIRST."

=Dentist= (_exultantly_). "NOT A BIT OF IT, SIR! LOOK HERE, SIR!" (_Dexterously catching his entire set._) "HERE'S MY UPPERS, AND HERE'S MY UNDERS!"

Illustration: Unprejudiced!

=Swell= (_at the R. A. Exhibition_). "Haw! 've you any Idea--w what Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?"

Illustration: A Kind Son.

=Paterfamilias= (_to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's_). "GEORGE, THESE ARE UNCOMMONLY GOOD CIGARS! I CAN'T AFFORD TO SMOKE SUCH EXPENSIVE CIGARS AS THESE."

=George= (_grandly_). "FILL YOUR CASE--FILL YOUR CASE, GOV'NER!!"

Illustration: Crass Ignorance.

=First Swell.= "LET'S SEE--TO-MORROW'S----WHAT'S T'DAY, BYTH'BY?"

=Second Swell.= "TUESDAY, ISN'T IT?--OR MONDAY?--WAS YEST'DAY SUNDAY? NE' MIND--(_yawns_)--MY MAN'LL BE HERE PWESENTLY--PWECIOUS SHWEWD FELLOW--'TELL US LIKE A SHOT!!"

Illustration: A Change in the Weather.

=Paterfamilias= (_with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the holidays_). "IT'S ALL UP!"

=Bachelor Friend= (_who has enjoyed these little Dinners_). "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

=Paterfamilias.= "TELEGRAM! SHE SAYS THEY'VE ARRIVED SAFE AT FOLKESTONE, AND WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10·30!"

Illustration: "Res Angustæ Domi."

=Family Man.= "WHERE DO YOU GO THIS YEAR, JINNINGS?"

=Bachelor= (_in a sketchy manner_). "OH--BADEN FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND THE WHINE, BELGIUM--P'WAPS GET AS FAR'S VIENNAH! WHERE 'YOU OFF TO?"

=Family Man.= "OH, I SUPPOSE I SHALL TAKE THE OLD WOMAN DOWN TO WORTHING--AS USUAL!"

_And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner--which was weak and injudicious._

Illustration: _Irish Ingenuity._

=Saxon Tourist.= "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU LOWERING THE SHAFTS FOR?" (_He has just found out that this manoeuvre is gone through at every ascent._)

=Car-Driver.= "SHURE, YER 'ONNER, WE'LL MAKE 'M B'LAVE HE'S GOIN' DOWN HILL!"

Illustration: _Scrupulous._

=Shepherd.= "O, JIMS, MUN! CAN YE NO GIE A WHUSTLE ON THA RAM'LIN' BRUTE O' MINE? I DAURNA MYSEL'; IT'S JUST FAST-DAY IN OOR PARISH!!"

Illustration: A Game Two can Play at.

=Guard= (_to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train is Starting_). "YE'RE TOO LATE, SIR. YE CANNA ENTER."

=Stalwart Aberdonian.= "A' MAUN!"

=Guard= (_holding him back_). "YE CANNA!"

=Aberdonian.= "TELL YE A' MAUN--A' WEEL!" (_Gripping Guard._) "IF A' MAUNNA, YE SANNA!!!"

Illustration: Decimals on Deck.

=Irish Mate.= "HOW MANNY IV YE DOWN THER-RE?!"

=Voice from the Hold.= "THREE, SOR!"

=Mate.= "THIN HALF IV YE COME UP HERE IMMADIATELY!!"

Illustration: More "Revenge for the Union."

=Saxon Tourist= (_at Irish Railway Station_). "WHAT TIME DOES THE HALF-PAST ELEVEN TRAIN START, PADDY?"

=Porter.= "AT THRUTTY MINUTES TO TWILVE--SHARRUP, SOR!"

_Tourist retires up, discomfited._

Illustration: _The Ulster._

=Schoolboy= (_to Brown, in his new great-coat_). "YAH! COME OUT OF IT! D'YOU THINK I DON'T SEE YER!!"

Illustration: "_Silence is Golden._"

=Chatty Old Gent.= "HAVE YOU LONG HOURS, HE-AR, PORTAR?"

=Railway Porter= (_whose Temper has been spoilt_). "SAME AS ANYWHERES ELSE, I S'POSE--SIXTY MINUTES!"----(_Bell rings, Railway Porter touches up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!_)

=Old Gent.= "PH--O--O--O--O--!"

Illustration: _Barometrical._

=Draper.= "LIGHT SUMMER DRESS? YES, M'M. SOLD A GREAT MANY THE LAST FEW DAYS, M'M, THE WEATHER HAVIN' RISEN FROM A FRENCH MERINO TO A GRENADINE!"

Illustration: _A Family Man._

=Cabby.= "VY, I'M A FATHER OF A FAM'LY MYSELF, MUM,--NOT SO 'ANDSOME AS YOUR LITTLE DEARS, MUM, I DON'T SAY,--AN' D'YOU THINK I'D GO FOR TO OVERCHARGE FOR 'EM? NOT I, MUM! NOT A SIXPENCE, BLESS THEIR LITTLE 'EARTS!" &c., &c.

_Claim allowed._

Illustration: _Unconscionable._

=Head of the Firm.= "WANT A HOLIDAY!? WHY, YOU'VE JUST BEEN AT HOME ILL FOR A MONTH!"

Illustration: _A Narcotic._

=Doctor.= "LOOK HERE, MRS. MCCAWDLE. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE PHYSIC. A SOUND SLEEP WILL DO HIM MORE GOOD THAN ANYTHING."

=Gudewife.= "E-H, DOCTHOR, IF WE COULD ONLY GET HIM TAE THE KIRK!!"

Illustration: The Connoisseur.

=Host= (_smacking his lips_). "THERE, MY BOY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A TREAT. THAT'S '34 PORT, SIR!"

=Guest.= "AH! AND A VERY NICE, SOUND WINE, I SHOULD SAY! I BELIEVE IT'S QUITE AS GOOD AS SOME I GAVE 37S. FOR THE OTHER DAY."

Illustration: Awful Warning!

=Guest= (_at City Company Dinner._) "I'M UNCOMMONLY HUNGRY!"

=Ancient Liveryman= (_with feeling_). "TAKE CARE, MY DEAR SIR, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, TAKE CARE! D'YOU KNOW IT HAPPENED TO ME AT THE LAST LORD MAYOR'S DINNER TO BURN MY TONGUE WITH MY FIRST SPOONFUL OF CLEAR TURTLE; 'CONSEQUENCE WAS--(_sighs_)--'COULDN'T TASTE AT ALL--ANYTHING--FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING!!"

Illustration: _The Sausage Machine._

=Cook= (_in a fluster_). "O 'F Y' PLEASE, 'M, NO WONDER THE FLAVIOUR O' THEM SASSENGERS WASN'T TO-RIGHTS, 'M, WHICH I'VE JEST NOW KETCHED MASTER ALFRED A CUTTIN' HIS 'CAVENDISH' IN THE MACHINE!"

Illustration: Just in Time.

=Veteran Piscator.= "HECH! BUT YON'S A MUCKLE FESH LOUPIN' AHINT ME!"----(_It was lucky he looked round!--his Friend from London had preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!_)

Illustration: _Words and Weights._

=Angler.= "DEUCED ODD, DONALD, I CAN'T GET A FISH OVER SEVEN POUNDS, WHEN THEY SAY MAJOR GRANT ABOVE US KILLED HALF A DOZEN LAST WEEK THAT TURNED TWENTY POUNDS APIECE!"

=Donald.= "AWEEL, SIR, IT'S NO THAT MUCKLE ODDS I'TH' SAWMON,--BUT THAE FOWK UP THE WATTER IS BIGGER LEEARS THAN WE ARE DOON HERE!"

Illustration: "_Mal Apropos._"

=Rector's Wife.= "WELL, VENABLES, HOW DO YOU THINK WE SOLD THE JERSEY COW?"

=Venables.= (_Factotum and Gardener_) "WELL, M'M, MASTER BYLES HAS GOT THE BETTER O' WE A MANY TIMES, BUT--(_proudly_)--I THINK AS WE A' DONE HE TO-RIGHTS THIS TURN!!" "_So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!_"

Illustration: "_A Slip o' the Tongue._"

=Yachting Biped.= "THEN YOU'LL LOOK US UP AT PRIMROSE 'ILL?"

=New Acquaintance= (_gentlemanly man_). "OH, YES--NEAR THE 'ZOO,' ISN'T IT? WE OFTEN DROP IN AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE MONKEYS!"

Illustration: _Confession in Confusion._

=Priest.= "NOW, TELL ME, DOOLAN, TRUTHFULLY, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO TO CHAPEL?"

=Pat.= "WILL, NOW, SHURE OI'LL TILL YER RIV'RENCE THE TRUT'. FAIX, I GO AS OFTEN I CAN AVOID!"

Illustration: _The New Running Drill._

(_A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief._)

CAPTAIN BLUARD, AS HE APPEARED IN COMMAND OF HIS COMPANY.

Illustration: _Our Military Manoeuvres._

=Irish Drill-Sergeant= (_to Squad of Militiamen_). "PR'S'NT 'RRMS!"--(_Astonishing result._)--"HIV'NS! WHAT A 'PRISINT'! JIST STIP OUT HERE NOW, AN' LOOK AT YERSILVES!!"

Illustration: The Race not yet Extinct.

=Country Excursionist= (_just landed at G. W. Terminus_). "COULD YOU INFORM ME WHAT THESE 'ERE BUSSES CHARGE FROM PADDINGTON TO THE BANK?"

=Dundreary= (_with an effort_). "AU-H, PO' M'SOUL, HAVEN'T AN IDEA-H! NEVER WODE 'N ONE IN M'LIFE! SHOULD SAY A MERE TWIFLE! P'WAPS A SHILLING, OR TWO SHILLINGS. 'DON'T THINK THE WASCALS COULD HAVE THE CONSCIENCE TO CHARGE YOU MORE THAN THWEE SHILLINGS! 'WOULDN'T PAY MORE THAN FOUR! I'D SEE 'EM AT THE D-D-DOO-OOCE!"

Illustration: _A Dilemma._

=Party= (_overcome by the heat of the Weather_). "HOY! CAB!"

=Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, IF YOU'LL JUST WALK TO THE GATE."

=Party.= "O, BOTHER! WALKING TO 'GATE!"

=Driver.= "WELL, SIR, IF YOU CAN'T GET THROUGH, I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN GET OVER!"

Illustration: Adjustment.

=Bootmaker= (_who has a deal of trouble with this Customer_). "I THINK, SIR, IF YOU WERE TO CUT YOUR CORNS, I COULD MORE EASILY FIND YOU A PAIR----"

=Choleric Old Gentleman=. "CUT MY CORNS, SIR!--I ASK YOU TO FIT ME A PAIR O' BOOTS TO MY FEET, SIR!--I'M NOT GOING TO PLANE MY FEET DOWN TO FIT YOUR BOOTS!!!"

Illustration: A Mine of Speculation.

=Dealer= (_to Wavering Customer_). "WELL, OF COURSE WE ALL KNOW THAT--HE'S GOT 'IS BAD POINTS AN' 'IS GOOD POINTS; BUT WHAT I SAY IS, THERE'S NO DECEPTION ABOUT 'IS BAD POINTS--WE CAN SEE 'EM. BUT WE CAN'T NONE OF US TELL 'OW MANY GOOD POINTS HE MAY 'AVE TILL WE COMES TO KNOW 'IM!!" _The "Party" took time to consider._

Illustration: "Argumentum ad Hominem!"

=Dealer.= "I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HIS 'EAD, AND I ALLOW HE AIN'T GOT A PURTY 'EAD; BUT LOR'--NOW LOOK AT GLADSTONE, THE CLEVEREST MAN IN ALL ENGLAND!--AND LOOK AT 'IS 'EAD"!!!

Illustration: Veneration.

=Lodger.= "I SHALL NOT DINE AT HOME TO-DAY, MA'AM, BUT I'VE A FRIEND COMING THIS EVENING. IF YOU COULD GIVE US SOMETHING NICE FOR SUPPER----"

=Landlady= (_Low Church_). "WOULD YOU LIKE THE REMAINDER OF THE COLD TURKEY--AH ('_feels a delicacy_')--HEM! _BEELZE-BUBBED_, SIR?"

Illustration: A Soft Answer.

=Irascible Old Gent.= "WAITER! THIS PLATE IS QUITE COLD!"

=Waiter.= "YESSIR, BUT THE CHOP IS 'OT, SIR, WHICH I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'LL WARM UP THE PLATE NICELY, SIR!"

Illustration: Seasonable Luxury.

=Old Gent= (_disgusted_). "HECK, WAITER! HERE'S A--HERE'S A--A--CATERPILLAR IN THIS CHOP!"

=Waiter= (_flippantly_). "YESSIR. ABOUT THE TIME O' YEAR FOR 'EM JUST NOW, SIR!"

Illustration: Education!

=Papa= (_improving the occasion at Luncheon_). "NOW, LOOK, HARRY, THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THIS CAKE IS EQUAL TO ABOUT THREE TIMES THE DIAMETER, AND----"

=Harry.= "OH, THEN, PA', LET ME HAVE THE C'CUMF'RENCE FOR MY SHARE!!"

Illustration: Cricket!

=Uncle.= "WELL, TOM, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IN CRICKET THIS HALF?"

=Tom.= "OH, BLESS YOU, UNCLE, WE'VE BEEN 'NOWHERE,' THIS SEASON; ALL OUR BEST 'MEN,' YOU KNOW, WERE DOWN WITH THE _MEASLES_!"

Illustration: Treacherous Confederate.

=Uncle George= (_who has been amusing the Young People with some clever Conjuring_). "NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU SAW ME BURN THE HANDKERCHIEF.--WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO FIND--(_Roars of Laughter_)--I SHALL PRODUCE THE ORANGE OUR YOUNG FRIEND HERE WAS SO OBLIGING AS TO OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF, AND INSIDE WHICH, I'VE NO DOUBT, WE SHALL FIND THE SHILLING?!"

Illustration: Breaking the Ice.

=Sprightly Lady.= "MR. DORMERS, WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME WITH----"

=Bashful Curate= (_who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour_). "O, CERTAINLY. WHAT SHALL I HAVE THE PLEASURE TO OFFER?----"

=Lady.= "----A REMARK!!"

Illustration: The First Sermon.

=Aunt.= "WELL, DAISY, HOW DID YOU LIKE 'CHURCH' YESTERDAY?"

=Daisy.= "O, AUNTY, THEY WERE ALL SO QUIET AND LOOKED SO CROSS, I THOUGHT I MUST 'A' SCREAMED!!"

Illustration: "Sweet is Revenge, Especially to Women!"

CAPTAIN OGLEBY, WHO ANNOYS THE MISS LANKYSTERS SO MUCH ON THE PROMENADE BY HIS OBTRUSIVE ADMIRATION, IS DISCOVERED EARLY ONE MORNING, BY HIS EXULTANT VICTIMS, IN THE ACT OF HAVING AN "EASY SHAVE" IN THE SOMEWHAT LIMITED PREMISES OF THE VILLAGE FIGARO.

Illustration: Desperate Case!

=M. A.= (_endeavouring to instil Euclid into the mind of Private Pupil going into the Army_). "NOW, IF THE THREE SIDES OF THIS TRIANGLE ARE ALL EQUAL, WHAT WILL HAPPEN?"

=Pupil= (_confidently_). "WELL, SIR, I SHOULD SAY THE FOURTH WOULD BE EQUAL, TOO!!"

Illustration: Exchange!

=Togswell= (_in the Washing Room at the Office, proceeding to dress for the De Browney's Dinner-Party_). "HULLO! WHAT THE DOOCE"--(_Pulling out, in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel Tights, a pink striped Jersey, and a spiked canvas Shoe._)--"CONFOUND IT! YES!--I MUST HAVE TAKEN THAT FELLOW'S BAG WHO SAID HE WAS GOING TO THE ATHLETIC SPORTS THIS AFTERNOON, AND HE'S GOT MINE WITH MY DRESS CLOTHES!!"

Illustration: _A Degenerate Son._

=The Governor= (_indignantly_). "GEORGE, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU! I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU KNEW BETTER! IT'S DISGRACEFUL! IS IT FOR THIS I'VE PAID HUNDREDS OF POUNDS TO GIVE YOU AN UNIVERSITY EDUCATION, THAT YOU SHOULD----"

=Son and Heir= (_with cigar_). "WHY--WHAT HAVE I DONE, GOVERNOR?"

=The Governor.= "DONE? DARED TO SMOKE, SIR, WHILE YOU ARE _DRINKING MY '34 PORT_!!"

Illustration: _Lucid!_

=Irish Sergeant= (_to Squad at Judging-Distance Drill_). "NOW, YE'LL PAY THE GREATEST OF ATTINTION TO THE MAN AT EIGHT HUNDRED YAR-RDS: BECASE, IF YE CAN'T SEE 'M, YE'LL BE DECEIVED IN HIS 'APPARANCE!!"

Illustration: _The Riding Lesson._

=Riding Master= (_to Sub, who is qualifying himself for the Punjaub Cavalry_). "IF YER 'EAD WAS ONLY TURNED THE OTHER WAY, WHAT A SPLENDID CHEST YOU'D 'AVE, MR. BOWDRIB!"

Illustration: _Look before you Leap._

=Middle-Aged Uncle.= "NOT PROPOSED TO HER YET! WHY, WHAT A SHILLY-SHALLYING FELLOW YOU ARE, GEORGE! YOU'LL HAVE THAT LITTLE WIDOW SNAPPED UP FROM UNDER YOUR NOSE, AS SURE AS YOU'RE BORN! PRETTY GAL LIKE THAT--NICE LITTLE PROPERTY--EVIDENTLY LIKES YOU--WITH AN ESTATE IN THE HIGHLANDS, TOO, AND YOU A SPORTING MAN----"

=Nephew.= "AH! THAT'S WHERE IT IS, UNCLE! HER FISHING'S GOOD, I KNOW; BUT I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT HER _GROUSE_!"

Illustration: _No Mistake, this Time._

=Lodger.= "DEAR ME, MRS. CRIBBLES, YOUR CAT'S BEEN AT THIS MUTTON AGAIN!"

=Landlady.= "OH NO, MUM, IT CAN'T BE THE CAT. MY 'USBAND SAYS HE B'LIEVES IT'S THE COLLERLARDA BEETLE!"

Illustration: _State o' Trade._

=Small Girl.= "PLEASE, MRS. GREENSTOUGH, MOTHER SAYS WILL YOU GIVE HER A LETTUCE?"

=Mrs. G.= "GIVE?! TELL THEE MOTHER GIV'UM'S DEAD, AND LENDUM'S VERY BAD. NOTHINK FOR NOTHINK 'ERE, AND PRECIOUS LITTLE FOR SIX-PENCE!!"

Illustration: "Let Well Alone!"

=Swell.= "AH--WHAT'S YOUR FARE TO HAMPSTEAD BY THE--AH--NEW LAW?!"

=Cabby.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' 'BOUT NO NEW LAWS, SIR!--SAME OLD FARE, SIR--'LEAVE IT TO YOU,' SIR!"

Illustration: "_Le Jeu ne Vaut pas la Chandelle._"

=Old Gent= (_having had to pay twice_). "BUT I'M POSITIVE I HANDED YOU THE MONEY! IT MAY PROBABLY HAVE DROPPED DOWN THE SLIT IN THE DOOR!"

=Conductor.= "SLIT IN THE DOOR!--WELL, 'TAIN'T LIKELY I'M GOIN' TO TURN THE BUS UPSIDE-DOWN FOR SIXPENCE!"

Illustration: "Tho' Lost to Sight----"

=Aunt Jemima= (_from the country--her first experience of a "Hansom"_). "HOY! HOY! STOP THE HORSE! WHERE'S THE COACHMAN!"

Illustration: Precise.

=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW, BILL, WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?"

=Conductor.= "GE'TLEMAN WANTS TO BE PUT DOWN AT NO. 20 A IN CLARINGDON SQUARE, FUST PORTICO ON THE RIGHT AFTER YOU PASS THE 'RED LION,' PRIVATE ENTRANCE ROUND THE CORNER!"

=Driver.= "O, CERTAINLY! ASK THE GE'TLEMAN IF WE SHALL DRIVE UP-STAIRS, AN' SET 'IM DOWN AT 'IS BED-ROOM DOOR IN THE THREE-PAIR BACK?"

Illustration: _An Extensive Order._

"O, PLEASE, MISS, WILL YOU GIVE US TWO 'A'PENNIES FOR A PENNY, AND GI' ME A DRINK O' WATER, AN' TELL US THE RIGHT TIME? AN' FATHER WANTS A PIPE; AND LEND MOTHER YESTERDAY'S _'TIZER_."!!!

Illustration: "_No such Luck._"

=Young Lady.= "IS IT HUNGRY, THEN? COME ALONG, LITTLE DARLING, IT SHALL HAVE ITS DINNER."

=Street-Sweeper= (_overhearing, and misapplying_). "HERE Y'ARE, MISS! RIGHT YOU ARE! I JEST AM!" _Ah! but it was Fido she was speaking to!_

Illustration: "_'Tis Better not to Know._"

=Impudent Boy= (_generally_). "TRY YER WEIGHT--ONLY A PENNY!" (_To Lady of commanding proportions in particular._) "TELL YER 'XACT WEIGHT TO A HOUNCE, MUM!"

Illustration: _Vested Interests._

=Sweeper.= "IF YOU DON'T GET OFF MY CROSSIN', I'LL 'EV YOUR NUMBER!"

Illustration: "_Chaff._"

=Apple-Stall Keeper= (_to the Boys_). "NOW, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU GAPING AT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

=Street Boy.= "NOTHIN'."

=Apple-Stall Keeper.= "THEN TAKE IT, AND BE OFF!"

=Street Boy.= "VERY WELL: WRAP IT UP FOR US IN A PIECE O' PAPER!"

_Bolts._

Illustration: "_Is It Possible?!_"

=Swell= (_lecturing Juvenile Member of Manufacturing Centre_). "YOU SHOULD ALWAYS--AH--TOUCH YOUR HAT TO A GENTLEMAN----"

=Factory Lad.= "PLEASE, SIR, I DIDN'T KNOW AS YER WAS ONE!!"

Illustration: A Panic in the Kitchen.

=Facetious Page.= "NOW, THEN, HERE'S THE CENSUS, AND MASTER'S ORDERED ME TO FILL IT UP. I'VE PUT DOWN YOUR AGES WITHIN A YEAR OR SO, AND YOU'RE TO 'RETURN' YOUR FOLLERERS, IF ANY, HOW MANY, AND STATE 'P'LICE OR MILITARY,' FEES AND TIPS FROM TRADESMEN AND WISITORS 'PER ANN.,' PRICE O' KITCHEN-STUFF, AVERAGE O' BREAKAGES, &C., &C."

Illustration: _Proof Positive._

=Mistress.= "YOUR CHARACTER IS SATISFACTORY, BUT I'M VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT ONE THING: I WISH MY SERVANTS TO HAVE PLENTY, BUT I DON'T ALLOW ANY WASTE."

=Page.= "OH, NO, 'M, WHICH I'D EAT AND DRINK TILL I BUSTED, 'M, RATHER THAN WASTE ANYTHINK, 'M!!"

Illustration: "_Qualifications._"

=Painter= (_who has always been ambitious of "writing himself down an R. A._"). "THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE ELECTED ME, HAVING EXHIBITED AND HAD MY NAME DOWN ALL THESE YEARS! I MIGHT HAVE----"

=Friend= (_Man o' the World_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU, YOU DON'T GO THE RIGHT WAY TO WORK. YOU SEE THEY COULD ONLY ELECT YOU FOR YOUR PAINTING, FOR----WHY DO YOU WEAR SUCH THICK BOOTS?!!"

Illustration: _Temptation._

=Painter.= "YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT, WHEN I TELL YOU I DID NOT PAINT IT? AND A BEASTLY COPY IT IS, TOO!"

=Picture-Dealer.= "VY NOT, GOOT SIR? VY NOT? TUT! TUT! TUT! I ONLY VISH YOU ARTIS'S VOS MEN OF BIS'NESS!"

Illustration: "_Spoiling It._"

=Lord Dabbley.= "WA-AL, STREAKY, WHY I'VE HEARD--AH--YOU'RE NOT GOING TO--(_yawns_)--HAVE A PICT-YAR AT THE EXHIBITION!"

=Streaky, R. A.= "HAW, VERY PROBABLY NOT, M'LORD. WELL, I THINK IT ONLY--AH--GRACEFUL, M'LORD, WE SHOULD OCCASIONALLY FOREGO OUR PRIVILEGED SPACE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR YOUNGER PAINTERS--AH! BESIDES--I QUESTION IF I SHALL BE ABLE TO FINISH MY PUBLIC PORTRAITS IN TIME THIS YE-AR!"

Illustration: "_Particular!_"

=Young Mumford= (_airily, having learnt that the Lady comes from his part of the country_). "DESSAY YOU KNOW THE CADGEBYS OF BILCHESTER?--AWFULLY JOLLY PEOPLE! I----"

=Haughty Beauty.= "OH NO, WE ONLY VISIT THE COUNTY FAMILIES AND WE _WEED_ THEM!!"

_Her partner wishes this "First Set" was "The Lancers."_

Illustration: _Vivifying Treatment of a Partner._

(_A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season._)

=Young Lady= (_to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places_). "NOW----I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY, AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT, AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS, AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. NOW YOU MAY BEGIN CONVERSATION."

_Utter Collapse of Partner._

Illustration: _Arbiter Elegantiarum._

=Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, 'M, COULD I GO OUT THIS EVENING? 'CAUSE COOK NEX' DOOR'S GOT A 'LANG'AGE O' FLOWERS BEE,' AND SHE_'s_ REQUESTED ME TO BE ONE O' THE JUDGES!"

Illustration: "_The Servants._"

=Cook.= "THEN, SHALL YOU GO AS 'OUSEMAID?"

=Young Person.= "NO, INDEED! IF I GO AT ALL, I GO AS LADY 'ELP!"

Illustration: "_Hard Lines._"

=Mistress= (_to former Cook_). "WELL, ELIZA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?"

=Ex-Cook.= "WELL, MUM, AS YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO CHARACTER, I'VE BEEN OBLIGED TO MARRY A SOLDIER!"

Illustration: "_Not to Put too Fine a Point on It._"

_Transatlantic Party._ "LOOK 'ERE, WAITER! CHANGE THIS KNIFE FOR A PEA-EATER. STRANGER AND ME AIR ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS, AND I MIGHT HURT HIM."

Illustration: "_Never Say 'Die'_"

=Nephew.= "SURE IT ISN'T GOUT, UNCLE?"

=Uncle.= "GOUT! SHTUFF AN' NONSHENSH! NOT A BIT OF IT! NO, FACT IS--PHEW--(_winces_) THESE CON-FOUNDED BOOTMAKERS--THEY MAKE YOUR BOOTS SO _TIGHT_!!"

Illustration: _"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c._

=Urbane Foreigner.= "THE--AH--CONTEMPLATION OF THESE--AH--RELICS OF ANCIENT ART IN THE GALLERIES OF EUROPE, MUST BE MOST INT'R'STING TO THE--AH--EDUCATED AMERICAN!"

=American Tourist.= "WA'AL, DON'T SEEM TO CARE MUCH FOR THESE _STONE GALS_ SOMEHOW, STRANGER!"

Illustration: A Plutocrat.

=Swell.= "'D YOU OBLIGE ME--AH--BY SHUTTING YOUR WINDOW?--AH----"

=Second Passenger= (_politely_). "REALLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL NOT PRESS IT, AS YOURS IS SHUT, THE AIR IS SO WARM I WOULD RATHER KEEP THIS OPEN. YOU SEEM TO TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF, SIR----"

=Swell.= "CARE OF MYSELF! SHOULD WATHER THINK SO. SO WOULD YOU, MY DEAR FEL-LAH, IF YOU'D SIX THOUSAND A YE-AR!!"

Illustration: "Matter!"

=Portly Old Swell= (_on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech_). "DEAR ME! IS IT POSS'BLE! MOST 'XTR'ORD'NARY!--(_throws down the Review_)--THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY A 'PRIMORDIAL ATOMIC GLOBULE'!!"

Illustration: A Final Appeal.

"NOW, GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I THROW MYSELF UPON YOUR IMPARTIAL JUDGEMENT AS HUSBANDS AND FATHERS, AND I CONFIDENTLY ASK, DOES THE PRISONER LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WOULD KNOCK DOWN AND TRAMPLE UPON THE WIFE OF HIS BOSOM? GENTLEMEN, I HAVE DONE!"

Illustration: _Division of Labor._

=Facetious Volunteer Sub.= "LOOK HERE, CAPTAIN; I'M TIRED OF THIS FUN. DO YOU MIND LOOKING AFTER THE MEN WHILE I GO AND GET TAKEN PRISONER?"

Illustration: "_Off._"

=Sergeant O'Leary.= "DOUBLE! LEFT! RIGHT! WHAT THE BLAZES, PAT ROONEY, D'YE MANE BY NOT DOUBLIN' WID THE SQUAD!?"

=Pat.= "SHURE, SERGEANT, 'TWASN'T A FAIR START!"

Illustration: _"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c._

=Frugal Housewife= (_has a large Family_). "OH, MR. STICKINGS, I SEE BY THE DAILY PAPERS THAT THE PRICE OF MEAT HAS FALLEN TWOPENCE A POUND. I THINK YOU OUGHT TO MAKE SOME REDUCTION IN YOUR CHARGES!"

=Country Butcher.= "WERRY SORRY, MUM, BUT WE DON'T TAKE IN NO DAILY PAPERS, MUM!!"

Illustration: _Complimentary._

=Collier= (_about the Dog_). "YES, SIR, AW GOT HIM IN MANCHESTER, YONDER, AN' DOCTOR AW'S GOING T' AX YE, HEY Y' ONY OBJECTION TIN US NAMIN' HIM EFTHER YE?!"

=Young Medical Man= (_rather pleased_). "OH, DEAR NO, BY ALL MEANS--'DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE COMPLIMENT, THOUGH, HE'S NOT A BEAUTY TO LOOK AT!"

=Collier.= "MEBBEES NOT, DOCTOR; BUT--SMASH!--MUN, HE'S A BEGGAR TO KILL!!"

Illustration: "(_Not_) _Thankful for Small Mercies_"

=Cat's-Meat Man.= "WHAT 'A YER GOT FOR DINNER TO-DAY, JOE?"

=Crossing-Sweeper.= "OH, A BIT O' ROAST WEAL, SENT ME UP FROM NO. 6 IN THE CRESCENT 'ERE--AN' YER WOULDN'T B'LLEVE IT!--NOT A MOSSEL O' STUFFIN--AH, AN' NOT SO MUCH AS A SLICE O' LEMON!--AND (_with a sneer_) CALLS THEIRSELVES RESPECT'BLE PEOPLE, I'VE NO DOUBT!!"

Illustration: _Delicacy._

=Edwin= (_as the Servant is present_). "AH--J'ETTAY SEE--AH--DISAPPOINTAY DE NE PAS VOO VWORE A LA RINK CE MATTANG--POORQWAW ESKER----?"

=Angelina.= "AH WEE, MAIS MOMMONG----"

=Parlour-Maid.= "HEM! BEG YOUR PARDON, MISS; BUT I UNDERSTAND THE LANGVIDGE!!"

Illustration: "The Servants."

=Mistress.= "JANE, TELL COOK I'LL COME DOWN AND SEE WHAT SHE WANTS DONE TO THAT STOVE, AS THE BUILDER'S COMING TO-MORROW."

=Jane.= "O, PLEASE, 'UM, I DON'T THINK WE CAN AST YOU INTO THE KITCHING TO DAY, MUM, AS COOK AND ME'S GOT A SMALL AND EARLY 'AT OME' THIS AFTERNOON, MUM!"

Illustration: Retributive Justice.

=Farmer= (_giving the Culprit a Box o' the Ear_). "HOW DARE YOU BEAT THOSE GOSLINS, YOU YOUNG RASCAL? I SAW YOU!"

=Boy.= "BOO, OO, OO, WHAT FURR'D THEY GORS-CHICKS FEYTHER BOITE OI THEN FURR?!"

Illustration: "By the Card."

=Pedestrian.= "HOW FAR IS IT TO SLUDGECOMBE, BOY?"

=Boy.= "WHY 'BOUT TWENTY 'UNDERD THEAUSAN' MILD 'F Y' GOO 'S Y'ARE AGOOIN' NOW, AN' 'BOUT HALF A MILD 'F YOU TURN RIGHT REAOUND AN' GOO T' OTHER WAY!!"

Illustration: _In Jeopardy._

THE NEW BOY WAS ENJOINED TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW HE CARRIED THE FIDDLE-CASE--"BY THE HANDLE, AND TO MIND NOT TO KNOCK IT AGAINST ANYTHING!" IMAGINE THE HORROR OF MR. PITSEY CARTER, HIS MASTER, WHO WAS FOLLOWING, TO COME UPON THE RASCAL, WITH THE INVALUABLE "JOSEPH" ON HIS HEAD, EXECUTING A PAS-SEUL OVER A SKIPPING-ROPE!!

Illustration: Heresy.

=Mamma.= "YOU KNOW WHO BUILT THE ARK, GEORGE?"

=George= (_promptly_). "NOAH, 'MA."

=Mamma.= "AND WHAT DID HE BUILD IT FOR?"

=George= (_dubiously_). "FOR LITTLE BOYS TO PLAY WITH, 'MA?!"

Illustration: "Oh, the Mistletoe Bough!"

=Greengrocer, Jun.= (_to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion_). "I'VE GOT YER A BIT, MASTER GEORGE. IT AIN'T A VERY BIG PIECE, BUT THERE'S LOTS O' BERRIES ON IT; _AN' IT'S THE BERRIES AS DOES IT_"!!!

Illustration: Culture for the Working Classes.

=Philanthropic Employer= (_who has paid his Workpeople's expenses to a neighbouring Fine-Art Exhibition_). "WELL, JOHNSON, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF IT? 'PICK UP AN IDEA OR TWO?"

=Foreman.= "WELL, YER SEE, SIR, IT WERE A THIS WAY. WHEN US GOT THERE, WE WAS A CONSIDERIN' WHAT WAS BEST TO BE DONE, SO WE APP'INTED A DEPPERTATION O' THREE ON US TO SEE WHAT IT WERE LIKE; AN' WHEN THEY COME OUT AN' SAID IT WERE ONLY PICTURS AN' SUCH, WE THOUGHT IT A PITY TO SPEND OUR SHILLINS ON 'EM. SO WE WENT TO THE TEA-GARDENS, AND WERY PLEASANT IT WERE, TOO. THANK YER KINDLY, SIR!"

Illustration: A Casual Acquaintance.

=West-End Man= (_addressing, as he supposes, Intelligent Mechanic_). "CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE MOORGATE STREET STATION?"

=Seedy Party.= "MO'RGATE STREET STATION, SIR? STRAIGHT ON, SIR, FUST TURNIN' T' THE RIGHT, AND IT'S JUST OPPOSYTE. AND NOW, YOU'VE INTERDOOCED THE SUBJECT, SIR, IF YOU COULD ASSIST ME WITH A TRIFLE, SIR, WHICH I'VE 'AD NOTHIN' TO EAT SINCE LAST FRIDAY----"

_West-End Man not having an answer ready, forks out, and exit._

Illustration: "Circumlocutory!"

=Polite Coster= (_seeing Smoke issuing from Brown's coat-pocket_). "YOU'LL EXCUSE ME ADDRESSIN' O' YOU, SIR,--COMMON MAN IN A MANNER O' SPEAKIN'--GEN'LEMAN LIKE YOU, SIR--BEGGIN' PARDON FOR TAKIN' THE LIBERTY, WHICH I SHOULD NEVER A' THOUGHT O' DOIN' UNDER ORDINARY SUCCUMSTANCES, SIR, ON'Y YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO BE AWARE ON IT, BUT IT STRUCK ME AS I SEE YOU A GOIN' ALONG, AS YOU WERE A-FIRE, SIR!"

_By this time Brown's right coat-tail was entirely consumed. His fuzees had ignited by private arrangement among themselves._

Illustration: _Alarming._

=Buttons= (_as he burst into his Master's room on the night of Wednesday, the 7th: he had just seen that wonderful shooting star_). "OH, PLEASE, SIR, THEM METEORS IS A GOIN' OFF AG'IN!!"

=Scientific Old Gent= (_startled out of his first sleep, and misunderstanding the intelligence_). "OH!--EH!--WHAT!--TURN IT OFF AT THE _MAIN_!!"

Illustration: _Weights and Measures._

=Valetudinarian= (_in the course of Conversation with intelligent Passenger, whom he takes to be a Dignitary of the Church_). "NOW, WHAT SHOULD YOU THINK WAS MY WEIGHT?"

=Gentleman in Black.= "WELL, SIR--LET ME SEE--YOU STAND ABOUT FIVE FEET ELEVEN, THIRTY INCHES ACROSS CHEST, AND WE'LL SAY ELEVEN INCHES DEEP--WELL, I SHOULD SAY, SPEAKING AT RANDOM, YOU WOULD 'LIFT' AT ABOUT ELEVEN STUN' AND THREE QUARTERS!"

_Horror of Invalid--his fellow-passenger was an UNDERTAKER!_

Illustration: "_Small Mercies._"

=First Jolly Angler= (_with empty Creel_). "WELL, WE'VE HAD A VERY PLEASANT DAY! WHAT A DELIGHTFUL PURSUIT IT IS!"

=Second Ditto= (_with ditto_). "GLORIOUS! I SHAN'T FORGET THAT NIBBLE WE HAD JUST AFTER LUNCH, AS LONG AS I LIVE!"

=Both.= "AH!!"

Illustration: Tyranny.

=First Rough.= "WE'RE A GOIN' TO BE EDGICATED NOW, C'MPULSORY, OR ELSE GO TO THE TREADMILL!"

=Second Rough.= "AH! NO VUNDER SO MANY POOR PEOPLE'S A EMIGRATIN'!"

Illustration: A Perfect Cure.

=Town Man.= "HOW JOLLY IT MUST BE, LIVING DOWN HERE IN THE COUNTRY!"

=Country Gentleman.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S RATHER TORPID SORT OF LIFE; TIME PASSES VERY SLOWLY."

=Town Man.= "TIME PASSES SLOWLY? YOU SHOULD GET SOMEBODY TO DRAW ON YOU AT THREE MONTHS!!"

Illustration: In Consequence of the Tailors' Strike.

GEORGE AND THE GOVERNOR HAVE THEIR CLOTHES MADE AT HOME.

=George.= "ARE YOU SURE YOU TOOK MY RIGHT MEASURE, CHARLOTTE?"

=Charlotte.= "OH, GEORGE, I'M SURE IT FITS BEAUTIFULLY!!"

Illustration: "As Well as Can be Expected."

=Horsey Parish Doctor= (_late for the Meet_). "WELL, MOTHER, AND HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTER, AND THE BABBY--POORLY, EH? AH, WELL, GIVE HIM A PINCH O' BRIMSTONE IN HIS PAP, AND I'LL LOOK IN TO-MORROW."

Illustration: Penny Wise.

=National Schoolmaster= (_going round with Government Inspector_). "WILKINS, HOW DO YOU BRING SHILLINGS INTO PENCE?"

=Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, 'TAKES IT ROUND TO THE PUBLIC-'OUSE, SIR!!"

Illustration: Reminiscences.

=Governess.= "SHOW MR. SMITHERS YOUR NEW DOLL, ADA."

=Old Rustic.= "AH--LOR'--DEARY ME, MUM, IF IT AIN'T THE VERY MODAL OF MY OLD WOMAN WHEN SHE WAS IN HER PRIME!!"

Illustration: "Hoist with His Own 'Pomade'!"

=Customer= (_worried into it_). "WELL, I DON'T MIND TAKING A SMALL BOTTLE----"

=Barber.= "BETTER 'AVE A TWO SHILLIN' ONE, SIR; IT 'OLDS FOUR TIMES AS MUCH AS THE OTHER----"

=Customer= (_turning upon him_). "O, THEN IF I TAKE THIS SHILLING BOTTLE, I SHALL BE DONE OUT OF HALF MY MONEY'S WORTH! THEN I WON'T HAVE ANY!" _Escapes in triumph!_

Illustration: Distracting.

=Customer.= "WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE BISHOP'S SERMON ON SUNDAY, MR. WIGSBY?"

=Hairdresser.= "WELL, REALLY, SIR, THERE WAS A GENT A-SETTIN' IN FRONT O' ME AS 'AD HIS 'AIR PARTED THAT CROOKED I COULDN'T 'EAR A WORD!"

Illustration: A Compliment.

=Hairdresser.= "ANY OFF THE BEARD, SIR?"

=Customer.= "NO, THANK YOU. I'VE LATELY TRIMMED IT MYSELF."

=Hairdresser.= "INDEED, SIR! I SHOULD NOT HAVE THOUGHT ANY GENTLEMAN OUT OF THE PROFESSION COULD HAVE DONE IT SO WELL!!"

Illustration: XXX Cellent Reasons.

=Free and Independent= (_to wavering_) =Elector=. "YOU DON'T ADMIRE HIS POLITICS? POLITICS BE BLOWED! LOOK AT HIS PRINCIPLES! THAT MAN ALLUS BREWS FIVE-AND-TWENTY BUSHELS TO THE HOGSHEAD!"

Illustration: Sympathy.

=Giles= (_ruefully_). "VILLIAM, I'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' 'LISTED!"

=William.= "LOR'! 'AVE YER, THOUGH? GOT THE SHILLIN'?"

=Giles.= "YES."

=William.= "WELL, THEN, LET'S GO AN' 'AVE A GLASS AT THE 'BARLEY-MOW.' DON'T LET'S BE DOWN'EARTED!"

Illustration: Liberal to a Fault.

=the missus= (_affably_). "MY 'USBAN'S OUT JUST NOW, SIR. CAN I GIVE HIM ANY MESSAGE?"

=liberal candidate.= "AH--I HAVE CALLED WITH THE HOPE THAT--AH--HE'D PROMISE ME HIS VOTE AT THE APPROACH----"

=the missus.= "OH, YES, SIR. YOU'RE CAP'M BILKE, THE 'YALLOW,' I S'POSE, SIR! YES, I'M SURE HE'LL BE MOST 'APPY, SIR!"

=the captain= (_delighted_). "YA-AS--I SHALL BE MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM--AND--AH--HE MAY DEPEND UPON MY----"

=the missus.= "YES, I'M SURE HE'D PROMISE YOU IF HE WAS AT HOME, SIR; 'CAUSE WHEN THE TWO 'BLUE' GENTS CALLED AND AS'ED HIM THE OTHER DAY, SIR, HE PROMISED 'EM D'REC'LY, SIR!!"

Illustration: Civil Service Miseries.

=Mamma= (_who has been Shopping at the Co-Operative_). "GOOD GRACIOUS, DEARS, WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THESE PARCELS?"

=Youngest Daughter.= "OH, PA' CAN TAKE THE LARGE ONE, MA', AND HE MIGHT CARRY SOME OF THE SMALL ONES IN HIS POCKETS!!" _Pa', who has been waiting outside, feels he's in for it._

Illustration: "Men were Deceivers Ever."

=Swell= (_at the Civil Service Co-Operative Store_). "HAW! I WANT TWO OR THWEE POUNDS--BACON--AND--AW--'BLIGE ME BY DOING IT UP LIKE BOX--GLOVES OR FLOWERS, OR SOMETHING O' THAT SORT!!"

Illustration: A Sinister Slip.

=Smith.= "HULLO, BROWN! 'BEEN FOR YOUR ANNUAL COLLIS----I MEAN YOUR ANNUAL EXCURSION, YET?"

_Brown was highly nervous, and this malign suggestion quite upset him. He spent his holiday at home!_

Illustration: Force of Habit.

=City Merchant= (_blissfully dozing in his Country Church_). "SEASON TICKET!!"

Illustration: "_Alma Mater._"

_Young Puncheonby "cuts" the Army, and goes to Oxford to read for "the Church."_

=Tutor.= "YOU ARE PREPARED IN SUBSCRIBE TO THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES----"

=Puncheonby= (_with alacrity_). "AH 'TH PLEASH 'AH,--AH--HOW MU-CH--."

Illustration: _Embarrassing._

=Nervous Spinster= (_to wary Old Bachelor_). "OH, MR. MARIGOLD, I'M SO FRIGHTENED! MAY I TAKE HOLD OF YOUR HAND WHILE WE'RE GOING THROUGH THIS TUNNEL?"

Illustration: A Straightforward View.

=High Church Curate.= "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THE EAST?"

=Literal Churchwarden.= "WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGY MAN IS GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!"

Illustration: "The Better the Day." &c.

=Rustic= (_to Curate who dabbles in Photography_). "I'D BE TURR'BLE MUCH OBLIGED, ZUR, IF YOU'D MAP OFF MY PICTUR', ZUR!"

=Curate.= "WELL, MY MAN, I'LL TAKE YOUR LIKENESS FOR YOU. WHEN WILL YOU COME?"

=Rustic.= "WELL, ZUR, IF YOU'VE NO 'BJECTIONS, I BE MOASTLY CLEANED UP AND HAS MOAST TIME O' ZUNDAY MARNINS, ZUR!!"

Illustration: A Distinction.

=The "Good Parson"= (_to Applicant for Instruction in the Night School_). "HAVE YOU BEEN CONFIRMED, MY BOY?"

=Boy= (_hesitating_). "PLEASE, SIR--I--DON'T KNOW----"

=Parson.= "YOU UNDERSTAND ME; HAS THE BISHOP LAID HIS HANDS ON YOU?"

=Boy.= "OH, NO, SIR; BUT HIS KEEPER HAVE, SIR--VERY OFTEN, SIR!!"

Illustration: Considerate.

=Churchwarden.= "TELL YE WHAT 'TIS, SIR. THE CONGREGATION DO WISH YOU WOULDN'T PUT THAT 'ERE CURATE UP IN PULPIT--NOBODY CAN'T HEAR UN."

=Old Sporting Rector.= "WELL, BLUNT, THE FACT IS, TWEEDLER'S SUCH A GOOD FELLOW FOR PARISH WORK, I'M OBLIGED TO GIVE HIM _A MOUNT_ SOMETIMES."

Illustration: Rustic Recollections.

=Boy.= "PLEASE, PA-ARSON, MOTHER WANTS SOME SOUP."

=The Rector.= "BUT I TOLD YOUR MOTHER SHE MUST SEND SOMETHING TO PUT IT IN."

=Boy.= "OH, PLEASE, SHE'VE SENT THIS YEAR PA-AIL VOR 'UN, PA-ARSON!!"

Illustration: _Not a "Silver Lining" to a Cloud._

=Adolphus= (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river_). "WAITAR, YOU CAN--AH--LEAVE US!"

=Old Waiter.= "HEM!--YESSIR--BUT--YOU'LL PARD'N ME, SIR--WE'VE SO MANY GENTS--'DON'T WISH TO IMPUTE NOTHINK, SIR--BUT MASTER--'FACT IS, SIR--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--WE'RE--YOU SEE, SIR--_'SPONSIBLE FOR THE PLATE, SIR!!!_"

Illustration: "_What's in a Name?_"

=Waiter= (_to nervous invalid_). "THERE'S THE OLD CHURCH, SIR, CLOSE BY, BUT SOME VISITORS GOES TO ST. WOBBLEOE'S, SIR. THERE THE CLERGYMAN PREACHES _DISTEMPERY_!!"

_Clearly not the place for him, the old gentleman thinks, with a shudder._

Illustration: _A New Dish._

=Sympathising Swell= (_waiting for some chicken_). "YOU'VE GOT NO SINECURE THERE, THOMAS!"

=Perspiring Footman.= "VERY SORRY, SIR--JUST 'ELPED THE LAST OF IT AWAY, SIR!"

Illustration: Our Artist

IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES, AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE'S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN

=Art-Critic= (_loq._) "THE PICTURE LOOKS BETTER A GOODISH BIT OFF, GOV'NOUR!"

=Artist= (_maddened_). "CON--FOUND----SO DO YOU, SIR!" _Party makes off hastily, "not liking the looks of him."_

Illustration: Hunting Idiot,

RETURNING FROM THE CHASE, PROPOSES TO "CHAFF THAT ARTIST FELLER."

=Huntsman.= "WHAT'LL YER TAKE ME FOR, GOV'NOUR?"

=Painter= (_without the slightest hesitation_). A _SNOB_!

Illustration: Boxing-Day.

(_Mrs. Bustleton's favourite Cabman has called for his usual Christmas-Box in a state of----never mind._)

=Mrs. B.= "OH, SAWYER, I'M SURPRISED--I THOUGHT YOU SUCH A STEADY MAN! I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU GIVEN TO DRINK!"

=Sawyer.= "BEG Y' PAR'N MUM, NO S'H 'HING MUM (_hic_). DRINK 'ASH GI'N T' ME, MUM, 'SH MORN'N, MUM!!"

Illustration: An Old Offender.

=Country Gentleman= (_eyeing his Gardener suspiciously_). "DEAR, DEAR MR. JEFFRIES, THIS IS TOO BAD! AFTER WHAT I SAID TO YOU YESTERDAY, I DIDN'T THINK TO FIND YOU----"

=Gardener.= "YOU CAN'T SHAY--(_hic_)--I WASH DRUNK YESHT'DAY, SH----!"

=Country Gentleman= (_sternly_). "ARE YOU SOBER THIS MORNING, SIR?"

=Gardener.= "I'M--SHLIGHTLY SHOBER, SHIR!!"

Illustration: Irrevocable.

=Customer= (_for the Royal Wedding photograph_). "CAN'T I HAVE THE LADY ONLY? I DON'T SO MUCH WANT THE GENTLEMAN!!"

=Young Person= (_with decision_). "NO, SIR; WE CAN'T PART THEM, SIR, _NOW_!"

Illustration: Mrs. Jingleton. Learning that Young M Skirlygy

(FROM WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED SUCH POLITENESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HIGHLANDS) WAS IN TOWN, AND HAVING HEARD SO MUCH OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS HIM TO ONE OF HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND HOPES HE WILL 'OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING.--HA! HA! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIS INSTRUMENT WAS!

Illustration: Arcadian Amenities.

=Little Rustic= (_after a "game" struggle, evidently overweighted_). "OH, PLEASE, HELP US ALONG 'ITH THIS LINEN UP TO MOTHER'S----"

=Amiable Swell= (_aghast_). "EH! OH, RIDICULOUS--HOW CAN I?--LOOK HERE, I'VE GOT A BAG--HEAVY BAG--TO CARRY MYSELF----"

=Little Rustic.= "I'LL CARRY YOUR BAG, SIR."

=Swell.= "EH--BUT (_to gain time_) WH--WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S ABSURD NAME?" _This did not help him much. There was no escape; and ultimately----but we draw a veil over the humiliating sequel._

Illustration: A Big Fish.

=Artful Damsel= (_who has made a successful throw_). "O, LORD FEUBIGGIN, HOWEVER SHALL I MANAGE----."

=Lord Feubiggin= (_caught, two_). "PRAY LET ME SHOW YOU! ALL DEPENDS ON HOW YOU PLAY YOUR FISH!" _We betray confidence for once. This Picture comes from a Letter sent by a newly-married Lady (now of title), to a particular Friend of hers, and is called a "Reminiscence of Scotland." Perhaps our Readers can guess at the Story--we cannot._

Illustration: The Pic-Nic.

=Playful Widow.= "JUMP ME DOWN, MR. FIGGINS!!"

_The gallant little Man did his best, but fell--in her estimation for ever!_

Illustration: Artful--Very!

=Mary.= "DON'T KEEP A SCREOUGIN' O' ME, JOHN!"

=John.= "WH'OI BEAN'T A SCREOUGIN' ON YER!"

=Mary= (_ingenuously_). "WELL, Y' CAN I' Y' LIKE, JOHN!"

Illustration: "_The Grey Mare!_"

=Mrs. B.= (_taking the reins_). "NO, BROWN, I WILL NOT HAVE THE PONY BACKED! NO! THAT PERSON MUST HAVE SEEN US COME INTO THE LANE FIRST; AND IF THE MAN'S GOT COMMON POLITENESS----"

=Mr. B.= "BUT, MY DEAR, WE'VE ONLY JUST TURNED THE----"

=Mrs. B.= "I DON'T CARE, BROWN! NO! I WON'T GO BACK, IF I STAY HERE TILL----"

=Farmer.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR!--I'LL BACK, SIR. I'VE GOT JUST SUCH ANOTHER _VIXEN_ AT HOME, SIR!"

Illustration: _How We Arrange Our Little Dinners._

=Mistress.= "OH, COOK, WE SHALL WANT DINNER FOR FOUR THIS EVENING. WHAT DO YOU THINK, BESIDES THE JOINT, OF OX-TAIL SOUP, LOBSTER PATÉS, AND AN ENTRÉE--SAY, BEEF?"

=Cook.= "YES, 'M--FRESH, OR AUSTR----?"

=Mistress.= "LET'S SEE! IT'S ONLY THE BROWNS--TINNED WILL DO!"

Illustration: _Conclusive._

=Lodger.= "I DETECT RATHER A DISAGREEABLE SMELL IN THE HOUSE, MRS. JONES. ARE YOU SURE THE DRAINS----"

=Welsh Landlady.= "OH, IT CAN'T BE THE DRAINS, SIR, WHATEVER. THERE ARE NONE, SIR!!"

Illustration: _Our Manoeuvres._

=Captain of Skirmishers= (_rushing in to seize Picket Sentries of the Enemy_). "HULLO! HE-AR! YOU SURRENDER TO THIS COMPANY!"

=Opposition Lance-Corporal.= "BEG PARDON, SIR! IT'S THE OTHER WAY, SIR. WE'RE A BRIGADE, SIR!!!"

Illustration: "Our Reserves,"--The Battle of Amesbury.

=Aide-de-Camp.= "GOOD GRACIOUS, SIR! WHY DON'T YOU ORDER YOUR MEN TO LIE DOWN UNDER THIS HILL? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT BATTERY PLAYING RIGHT ON THEM?"

=Colonel of Volunteers.= "SO I DID, SIR. BUT THEY WON'T LIE DOWN. THEY SAY THEY WANT TO SEE THE REVIEW!!"

Illustration: A Little Failing.

=Nervous Old Lady.= "NOW, CABMAN, YOU'RE SURE YOUR HORSE IS QUIET? WHAT'S HE LAYING BACK HIS EARS LIKE THAT FOR? LOOK!"

=Cabby.= "O THAT'S ONLY HER FEMI-NINE CUR'OSITY, MUM. SHE LIKES TO HEAR WHERE SHE'S A GOIN' TO!"

Illustration: The Connoisseurs.

=Groom.= "WHEW'S BEER DO YOU LIKE BEST--THIS 'ERE HOM'BREWED O' FISK'S, OR THAT THERE ALE THEY GIVES YER AT THE WHITE HO'S?"

=Keeper= (_critically_). "WELL, O' THE TEW I PREFERS THIS 'ERE. THAT THERE O' WUM'OOD'S DON'T FARE TO ME TO TASTE O' NAWTHUN AT ALL. NOW THIS 'ERE DEW TASTE O' THE CASK!!"

Illustration: "Io Bacche!"

=Jeames.= "MORNIN', MR. JARVICE. WHAT'S THE NEWS?"

=Mr. J.= (_the old Coachman_). "WELL, I'VE 'EARD THE BEST BIT O' NEWS THIS MORNING AS I'VE 'EARD FOR MANY A DAY, FROM OUR BUTLER. HE TELL ME THE WIN'YARDS IS 'A COMIN' ROUND,' AND THERE'S EVERY PROSPEC' OF OUR GETTIN' SOME MORE GOOD MADEIRY!!"

Illustration: A Veteran.

=Civil Service Captain.= "WILL--HE--AH--STAND POW-DAR?"

=Dealer.= "'POWDER?' WHY HE WAS ALL THROUGH THE BATTLE O' WATERLOO THAT CHARGER WAS!!"

Illustration: "What's the Odds?"

=Purchaser.= "HE'S RATHER HEAVY ABOUT THE HEAD, ISN'T HE?"

=Dealer= (_can't deny it_). "WELL, SIR! (_Happy thought._) BUT Y'SEE, SIR, HE'LL HEV TO CARRY IT HISSELF!"

Illustration: _"There's Many a Slip" &c._

WAGGLES SAW A SPLENDID THREE-POUND TROUT FEEDING IN A QUIET PLACE ON THE THAMES ONE EVENING LAST WEEK. DOWN HE COMES THE NEXT NIGHT, MAKING SURE OF HIM! BUT SOME OTHER PEOPLE HAD SEEN HIM TOO!!!

Illustration: _Lingua "East Anglia."_

=First Angler= (_to Country Boy_). "I SAY, MY LAD, JUST GO TO MY FRIEND ON THE BRIDGE THERE, AND SAY I SHOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM IF HE'D SEND ME SOME BAIT."

=Country Boy= (_to Second Angler, in the Eastern Counties language_). "THA' THERE BO' SAHY HE WANT A WURRUM!!"

Illustration: _A Luxurious Habit._

=Philanthropist= (_to Railway Porter_). "THEN WHAT TIME DO YOU GET TO BED?"

=Porter.= "WELL, I SELDOM WHAT YER MAY CALL GETS TO BED MYSELF, 'CAUSE O' THE NIGHT TRAINS. BUT MY BROTHER, AS USED TO WORK THE P'INTS FURTHER DOWN THE LINE, WENT TO BED LAST CHRISTMAS AFTER THE ACCIDENT, AND NEVER----"

_Train rushes in, and the Parties rush off._

Illustration: _The Golden Age Restored._

=Young Lady= (_Through Passenger, at West Riding Station_). "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE TO-DAY, PORTER? HAS THERE BEEN A FÊTE?"

=Porter= (_astonished_). "BLESS THEE, LASS! THERE'S NEA FEIGHTIN' NOO-A-DAYS; 'T'S AGIN T' LA-AW!--NOBBUT A FLOOER-SHOW!"

Illustration: "No Accounting for Taste."

=Materfamilias= (_just arrived at Shrimpville--the Children had been down a Month before_). "WELL, JANE, HAVE YOU FOUND IT DULL?"

=Nurse.= "IT WAS AT FUST, M'M. THERE WAS NOTHINK TO IMPROVE THE MIND, M'M, TILL THE NIGGERS COME DOWN!!"

Illustration: Sold Cheap.

=Little Brown= (_to "Nigger Minstrel," who always addresses his listeners as "My Lord"_). "AH, HOW DID YOU KNOW MY----AH--HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A LORD?" _Sensation among the bystanders!_

=Minstrel.= "BLESS YER, MY LORD, I NEVER LOSE SIGHT O' MY SCHOOLFELLERS!"

_Roars of laughter. Little B. caves in, and bolts!_

Illustration: Selling Him a Pennyworth.

=Philanthropist.= "THERE'S A PENNY FOR YOU, MY LAD. WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH IT?"

=Sweeper.= "WHAT ALL THIS AT ONCE! I'LL TOSS YER FOR IT, DOUBLE OR QUITS!"

Illustration: A Change for the Better.

=Greengrocer.= "WANT A PENN'ORTH O' COALS, DO YER? YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO 'AVE A PENN'ORTH MUCH LONGER. THEY'RE A GOING UP. COALS IS COALS NOW, I CAN TELL YER!"

=Boy.= "AH, WELL, MOTHER'LL BE GLAD O' THAT, 'CAUSE SHE SAYS THE LAST COALS SHE HAD O' YOU WAS ALL SLATES!!"

Illustration: _Colloquial Equivalents._

=Papa.= "NOW, MY DEAR GIRLS, YOUR BROTHER IS RECEIVING A MOST EXPENSIVE EDUCATION, AND I THINK THAT WHILE HE IS AT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU SHOULD TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM HIM."

=Emily.= "SO WE DO, 'PA. WE'VE LEARNT THAT A BOY WHO CRIES IS A 'BLUB,' THAT A BOY WHO WORKS HARD IS A 'SWOT'"----

=Flora.= "YES, AND THAT ANYBODY YOU DON'T LIKE IS A 'CAD;' AND WE KNOW THE MEANING OF 'GRUB,' 'PROG,' AND A 'WAX'"

Illustration: "The Meat Supply."

=Bathing-Man.= "YES, MUM, HE'S A GOOD OLD 'ORSE YET. AND HE'S BEEN IN THE SALT WATER SO LONG, HE'LL MAKE CAPITAL BILED BEEF WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH HIM!!!"

Illustration: "_Tracts._"

=First Navvy.= "T' NEW MISSION-ARY GAVE ME THIS 'ERE TRACK JUST NOW, BILL."

=Second Navvy.= "AIN'T SEEN HIM. WHAT LOIKE IS HE?"

=First Navvy.= "LITTLE CHAP--PREACHES ABOUT EIGHT STUN TEN, I SHOULD GUESS!"

Illustration: "_A Ticket of Leave_."

=Swell= (_who won't be done_). "H'YARS MY KYARD IF YOU'D--AH--LIKE TO SUMMON ME."

=Cabby= (_who has pulled up and heard the dispute_). "DON'T YOU TAKE IT, BILL. IT'S HIS TICKET O' LEAVE!"

Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect.

=Traveller= (_in Ireland_). "HI,--PULL HER UP, MAN! DON'T YOU SEE THE MARE IS RUNNING AWAY?"

=Paddy.= "HOULD TIGHT, YER 'ONOR! FOR YER LIFE DON'T TOUCH THE REINS!--SURE THEY'RE AS ROTTEN AS PEARS! I'LL TURN HER INTO THE RIVER AT THE BRIDGE BELOW HERE. SURE THAT'LL STOP HER, THE BLAGYARD!"

Illustration: Reassuring.

=Traveller in Ireland= (_rheumatic, and very particular_). "NOW, I HOPE THE SHEETS ARE CLEAN!"

=Kathleen= (_the Chambermaid_). "CLANE, SOR? SHURE THEY'RE JUST _DAMP_ FROM THE MANGLE, SOR!!"

Illustration: _Woman's Rights._

=Scotch Lady= (_who has taken a House in the Highlands, her Servants suddenly giving "warning"_). "WHAT'S THE REASON OF THIS? HAVE YOU NOT ALL YOU WANT?--GOOD ROOMS, AND GOOD FRESH AIR AND FOOD, AND EASY WORK?"

=Spokeswoman.= "YES, MEM--BUT--BUT THERE'S NO A DECENT LAAD WITHIN CRY O' US!"

Illustration: "_Canny._"

=Sportsman.= "THAT'S A TOUGH OLD FELLOW, JEMMY?"

=Keeper.= "AY, SIR, A GRAND BIRD TO SEND TO YOUR FREENS!"

Illustration: _Stern Pulpit Critics._

=First Scot.= "FAT SORT O' MINISTER HAE YE GOTTEN, GEORDIE?"

=Second Ditto.= "OH, WEEL, HE'S NO MUCKLE WORTH. WE SELDOM GET A GLINT O' HIM. SAX DAYS O' TH' WEEK HE'S ENVEES'BLE, AND ON THE SEVENTH HE'S ENCOMPREHENS'BLE!!"

Illustration: The Commissariat.

=Squire= (_to new Butler_). "I HAVE THREE OR FOUR CLERGYMEN COMING TO DINE WITH ME TO-MORROW, PRODGERS, AND----"

=Mr. Prodgers.= "'IGH OR LOW, SIR?"

=Squire.= "WELL--I HARDLY----BUT WHY DO YOU ASK, PRODGERS?"

=Mr. Prodgers.= "WELL, YOU SEE, SIR, THE 'IGH' DRINKS MOST WINE, AND THE 'LOW' EATS MOST VITTLES, AND I MUST PERWIDE ACCORDIN!!"

Illustration: Duty and Pleasure.

=Rural Butler= (_deferentially_). "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR COUNTRY QUALITY DOWN HERE, SIR?"

=Town Gentleman= (_"in waiting" to Lord Marybone, who was visiting the Squire_). "WELL, 'F COURSE, YOU SEE, SMITHARS, I DON'T MIND WAITIN' ON 'EM,--BUT--'CAN'T SAY I SHOULD CARE TO SIT DOWN WITH 'EM"!!!

Illustration: "Business!"

=Bath-Chairman.= "I S'POSE THE DUKE OF EDINBORO' AND HIS MISSIS WILL BE BY DIRECTLY?"

=Policeman.= "NO, THEY WON'T. THEY AIN'T IN TOWN."

=Bath-Chairman.= "AIN'T THEY?--I SAY, IF THAT OLD LADY IN MY CHAIR ASTS YOU, SAY 'YOU DON'T KNOW,' 'CAUSE SHE'S A WAITIN' TO SEE 'EM, AND I'M ENGAGED BY THE HOUR!"

Illustration: _Sacrifice._

=Good Templar.= "TUT--T--T--REALLY, SWIZZLE, IT'S DISGRACEFUL TO SEE A MAN IN YOUR POSITION IN THIS STATE, AFTER THE EXPENSE WE'VE INCURRED AND THE EXERTIONS WE'VE USED TO PUT DOWN THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC!"

=Swizzle.= "Y' MAY PREASH AS MUSH AS Y' LIKE, GEN'L'M'N, BUR I CAN TELL Y' I'VE MADE MORE PERSH'NAL EFFORSH TO (_hic_) PURROWN LIQUOR THAN ANY OF YE!"

Illustration: _Extenuating Circumstances._

=Employer= (_on his way to business on Monday morning_). "AH, SAUNDERS! I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU IN THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU'D TURNED OVER A NEW LEAF!"

=Saunders= (_repentant_). "SHO I'AD, SHIR, BUT (_hic_) 'TSH ALL ALONG O' THESH 'ERE WA'ER CO'PANIES--I 'SSHURE YOU, SHIR, 'ERE WASHN'T 'DROP O' WA'ER IN OUR SHISHT'RN ALL YESHT'RDAY!!!"

Illustration: _A Definition._

=Shoeblack= (_pointing to Unsteady Party by the lamp-post_). "TEA-TOTALLER ON 'THE STRIKE,' SIR!"

Illustration: _Mystification._

_Our young Landscape Painter's Preparations are Regarded with Intense Interest by the Village Juveniles, yet evidently expect a Gymnastic Entertainment_--(_he frames an Imaginary Picture with his Hands_).

=Omnes.= "HE'S A GOIN' TO SAY HIS PRAYERS FUST!!"

Illustration: _Obliging._

=Excursionist= (_to himself_). "ULLO! 'ERE'S ONE O' THEM ARTISTS. 'DESSAY 'E'LL WANT A GENTEEL FIGGER FOR 'IS FOREGROUND. I'LL _STAND FOR 'IM_!!!"

Illustration: Our Theatricals.

=Brown= (_rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac"_). "YAS, MARIE! I'VE FONDLY LOVED YE. (_Sobs dramatically._) 'TIS WELL--BUT NO MAT-TAR-R!"

=Housemaid= (_to Cook, outside the Door_). "LAUKS, 'LIZ'BETH, AIN'T MASTER A GIVIN' IT TO MISSIS!"

Illustration: Flattering.

=Housemaid= (_to Cook, behind the laurels_). "HE'S A HAFFABLE YOUNG MAN, THAT CAP'AIN LIMBER, MISSUS'S BROTHER. HOW BECOMIN' HE'D LOOK IN OUR LIVERY, WOULDN'T HE?!!"

Illustration: _Comparisons._

=Barber.= "'AIR'S EXTR'ORDINARY DRY, SIR. (_Customer explains he has been in the Country, and out o' doors a good deal._) AH! JUS' SO, SIR. RUINATION TO THE 'AIR, SIR! IF I WAS TO BE KNOCKIN' ABOUT 'UNTING AND FISHIN', LOR', SIR, MY 'AIR WOULDN'T BE IN NO BETTER STATE THAN YOURS, SIR!!"

Illustration: _Delicately Put._

=Customer.= "I'M AFRAID I'M GETTING A LITTLE BALD!"

=Operator.= "WELL, SIR, I THINK, SIR, WHEN YOU ATTEND PUBLIC WUSHIP, IF I WAS YOU, I'D SIT IN THE GALLERY."

Illustration: _A Rash Refusal._

=Customer= (_flying from Importunate Tradesman_). "NO, THANK YOU, NOTHING MORE, REALLY! NOT ANOTHER ARTICLE, THANK YOU! GOOD MORNING!"

_Escapes--ha! ha! refusing his own Umbrella!!_

Illustration: _A Guilty Conscience._

=Country Parson= (_to hard-drinking Old Pauper_). "WHY, SURELY, MUGGRIDGE, YOU WERE RELIEVED LAST WEEK FROM THE COMMUNION ALMS!"

=Muggridge.= "COMMUNION ARMS, SIR! 'S TRUE'S I STAND HERE, NEVER VAS INSIDE THE 'OUSE IN ALL MY LIFE, SIR; NEVER HEERD OF IT, SIR!"

Illustration: _Equal to the Situation._

=The Parson.= "WELL, LIZZIE, YOUR MOTHER'S COME OUT OF PRISON, I HEAR. HOW IS SHE NOW?"

=Lizzie.= "O, THANKY', SIR, SHE'S EV' SO MUCH BETTER. SHE'VE HAD CAPITAL TIMES IN THERE. FATHER'S OUT O' WORK, AND RATHER POORLY, SO HE GOT TOOK UP LAST NIGHT!!"

Illustration: _The Convalescent._

=New Curate= (_tenderly_). "MY GOOD MAN, WHAT INDUCED YOU TO SEND FOR ME?"

=Oldest Inhabitant.= "WHAT DOES HE SAY, BETTY?"

=Betty.= "'SAYS WHAT THE DEUCE DID YOU SEND FOR HIM, FOR!!"

Illustration: Awkward!

=Literal Servant Girl= (_to Brown, who was calling for the first time on the Dibsworths_). "PLEASE SIR, YOUR CABMAN SAY HE DON'T HALF LIKE THE LOOK OF THIS HERE HALF-CROWN YOU'VE GIVE HIM!!"

Illustration: "Suit Your Talk to Your Company."

=Mrs. Clovermead.= "AND, DAN, YOU'LL BRING THE TRAP--(_recollecting herself--her fashionable Cousin, from London, is on a Visit at the Farm_)--WE SHALL WANT THE CARRIAGE TO DRIVE INTO THE TOWN AFTER LUNCHEON, DANIEL."

=Daniel.= "YES, MUM--(_hesitating--he had noticed the correction_)--BE I--(_in a loud whisper_)--BE I TO CHANGE MY TROWSE'S, MUM?"!!

Illustration: _Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals. Reciprocity._

=Parson.= "I HAVE MISSED YOU FROM YOUR PEW OF LATE, MR. STUBBINGS----"

=Farmer= (_apologetically_). "WELL, SIR, I HEV' BEEN TO MEET'N' LATELY. BUT--Y' SEE, SIR, THE REVEREND MR. SCOWLES O' THE CHAPEL, HE BOUGHT SOME PIGS O' ME, AND I THOUGHT I OUGHT TO GI' 'M A TARN!!"

Illustration: Lapsus Linguæ.

=Our Athletic Curate= (_who, with the young men of his parish, had been victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this once, only_). "HE-AR ENDETH THE FIRST INNINGS!!"

Illustration: The Archery Meeting.

=Curate= (_to Fair Stranger_). "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE NOT A TOXOPHILITE!"

=Fair Stranger= (_promptly_). "OH DEAR NO! 'CHURCH OF ENGLAND,' I ASSURE YOU!"

Illustration: _Grandiloquence_

=Captain of Schooner.= "WHAT 'A' YOU GOT THERE, PAT?"