Chapter II: Part 2

=Pat.= (_who has been laying in some Firewood and Potatoes_). "TIMBER AND FRUIT, YER HONOUR!!"

Illustration: _Levelling Up._

=Sub.= (_just arrived by rail_). "HOW MUCH TO THE BARRACKS?"

=Car-Driver.= "AH, SHURE THIN, CAPTIN, THE MANEST OV 'EM GIVES ME T'REE AND SIXPENCE!"

Illustration: Rural Simplicity.

"BEEN TO SCHOOL, LITTLE LASSIE?" "AY, SIR." "GOOD GIRL--THERE'S A PENNY FOR YOU." "THANK YOU, SIR. I'LL HAE TO BE STEPPIN'--BUT AWM GAUN TO SKEULL I' THE MORNIN'--WULL YE BE THIS WAY I' THE EFTERNEUN?!"

Illustration: _Catechism under Difficulties._

=Free Kirk Elder= (_preparatory to presenting a Tract_). "MY FRIEND, DO YOU KNOW THE CHIEF END OF MAN?"

=Piper= (_innocently_). "NA, I DINNA MIND THE CHUNE! CAN YE NO WHUSTLE IT?"!!

Illustration: _In Vino Memoria._

=Major Portsoken= (_a pretty constant Guest_). "I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS ISN'T--(_another sip_)--THE SAME CHAMPAGNE----!"

=Scotch Butler.= "NA, THAT'S A' DUNE! THERE WAS THRUTTY DIZZEN; AND YE'VE HAD YERE SHARE O'T, MAJOR!!"

Illustration: Mind and Matter.

=Augustus= (_poetical_). "LOOK, EDITH! HOW LOVELY ARE THOSE FLEECY CLOUDLETS DAPPLED OVER THE----"

=Edith= (_prosaic_). "YES. 'XACTLY LIKE GRAVY WHEN IT'S GETTING COLD. ISN'T IT?"!!

Illustration: Perspective!

IN CRITICISING AND CORRECTING HIS PRETTY COUSIN'S PERSPECTIVE, OF COURSE FREDERICK'S FACE MUST BE AS NEARLY AS POSSIBLE IN THE SAME PLACE AS HERS!--TABLEAU!--PA (IN THE BACKGROUND) IS EVIDENTLY MAKING UP HIS MIND TO SEE ABOUT THIS! _Note._ FRED _hasn't a rap!_

Illustration: Those Dreadful Boys!

=Algernon.= "AND, DEAREST, IF THE DEVOTION OF A LIFE----" (_At this moment his hat is knocked over his eyes by a common Starfish, or Five-fingers (Asterias rubens), thrown, with considerable force and precision, by one of those_ infern----_high-spirited little fellows her younger brothers_, TOMMY _and_ BERTIE!!!)

Illustration: Profanation.

=Gent.= "I LEFT A LOCK OF HAIR HERE A FEW DAYS AGO TO BE FITTED IN A LOCKET, IS IT--AH--READY?"

=Artiste.= "VERY SORRY, SIR, IT HAS BEEN MISLAID. BUT IT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE, SIR--WE CAN EASILY GET IT MATCHED, SIR."!!

Illustration: "Turn About."

=George.= "I SAY, TOM, DO TAKE CARE! YOU NEARLY SHOT MY FATHER THEN!"

=Tom.= "'SH! DON'T SAY ANYTHING, THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW! TAKE A SHOT AT MINE!!"

Illustration: Making Things Pleasant.

=Irishman= (_to English Sportsman_). "IS IT THROUTS? BE JABERS, THE WATTHER'S STIFF WID 'EM!!!"

"_Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous desire to please," as our Friend recorded in his Diary after a blank day._

Illustration: Angling Extraordinary.

=Customer= (_in a great hurry_). "A SMALL BOX OF GENTLES, PLEASE. AND LOOK SHARP! I WANT TO CATCH A 'BUS'!!"

Illustration: "Happy Thought."

=Mistress= (_who had come down to see about the Bass Voice she had heard in the Kitchen--Guardsman discovered!_). "O, YOU DECEITFUL GIRL, TO SAY THERE WAS NOBODY HERE! AND AFTER I'D GIVEN YOU DISTINCTLY TO UNDERSTAND I DIDN'T ALLOW 'FOLLOWERS'; AND HERE, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE A WEEK----"

=Cook.= "LAUKS, M'M, IT MUST BE ONE O' THE FOLLERERS AS THE LAST COOK LEFT BE'IND 'ER!!"

Illustration: _Romance of the Kitchen._

=Cook= (_from the Area_). "O, 'LIZA, GI' ME MY WINIGRETTE--I'VE 'AD A--OFFER--FROM THE DUSTMAN!!"

Illustration: "_Compliments of the Season._"

=Comely Housemaid.= "O, MR. JAMES, I'M SO FRIGHTENED IN THE RAILWAY! SUPPOSE THE BILER WAS TO BUST!"

=Mr. James.= "THEN, MY DEAR, YOU'D BE A SINGIN' AMONG THE ANGELS IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES!!"

Illustration: "Ready!"

=Emily.= "WHAT'S CAPITAL PUNISHMENT, MAMMA?"

=Master Harry.= "WHY, BEING LOCKED UP IN THE PANTRY! _I_ SHOULD CONSIDER IT SO!"

Illustration: Dear, Dear Boy!

=George.= "OH! SHOULDN'T I JUST LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY IN THAT DEN, AUNT!"

=Serious Aunt.= "YE-ES. DANIEL, I SUPPOSE, DEAR?"

=George.= "OH NO, AUNT; I MEAN 'OLD TWIGSBY,' OUR HEAD-MASTER!!"

Illustration: "Brother Brush."

=Ship-Painter.= "NICE DRYIN' WEATHER FOR OUR BUSINESS, AIN'T IT, SIR?"

=Amateur= (_disconcerted_). "YA-A-S!"----

_Takes a dislike to the place._

Illustration: "The Compliments of the (Sketching) Season."

=Papa.= "THERE, HENRY! IF YOU COULD DO LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE YOU _TAUGHT DRAWING_, MY BOY!"

Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect.

=English Tourist.= "I SAY, LOOK HERE. HOW FAR IS IT TO THIS GLENSTARVIT? THEY TOLD US IT WAS ONLY----"

=Native.= "ABOOT FOUR MILES."

=Tourist= (_aghast_). "ALL BOG LIKE THIS?"

=Native.= "EH--H--THIS IS JUST NAETHIN' TILL'T!!"

Illustration: Compliments of the Season.

=Squire= (_who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of his Peasantry_). "HULLO, WOODRUFF! WHAT AN EYE YOU'VE GOT! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?!"

=Labourer.= "O, IT'S NAWTHIN' PARTIC'LAR, SIR. LAST NIGHT--AT THE WHITE 'ART, SIR. BUT--(_in extenuation_)--CHRISHMASH TIME, SIR--ON'Y ONCE A YEAR!"

Illustration: Two Sides to a Question.

=Squire.= "YOUR NAME SMITH?"

=Smith.= "YESSIR."

=Squire.= "AH, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE THE MAN WHO GIVES SO MUCH TROUBLE TO MY KEEPERS!"

=Smith.= "AX YER PARDON, SQUIRE, YOUR KEEPERS IS MUCH MORE TROUBLE TO ME!"

Illustration: Suspicion!

=Stout Visitor= (_on discovering that, during his usual Nap after Luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal Practical Joke_). "IT'S ONE O' THOSE DASHED ARTISTS THAT ARE STAYING AT THE 'LORD NELSON' 'A' DONE THIS, I KNOW!"

Illustration: Depression.

SCENE--_The Exchange. Industrial Centre._

=First Commercial Man= (_dryly_). "MORNIN'!"

=Second ditto= (_coldly_). "MORNIN'!"

=First C. M.= (_hopelessly_). "OWT?"

=Second ditto= (_mournfully_). "NOWT!"

=First C. M.= (_gloomily_). "MORNIN'!"

=Second ditto= (_despairingly_). "MORNIN'!"

_They part._

Illustration: Reductio ad Absurdum.

=Stout Party= (_the first time he went for his Dividends since his Aunt left him that Legacy_). "WHERE DO YOU GO FOR THESE DIVIDEND WARRANTS?"

=Bank Beadle.= "WHAT STOCK, SIR?"

=Stout Party.= "WELL, THREE PER CENT. SOMETHING "----(_The word stuck in his throat_).

=Bank Beadle.= "AH!--(_giving him the Information, and saying the word for him_)--_REDOOCED,_ SIR!!"

_Stout Party sighs, and exit._

Illustration: "The More Haste the Less Speed."

=Intelligent Peasant= (_who has been overlooking our Artists with much interest_). "YAR MATE'S A STAININ' O' HIS'N A'READY, SIR!"

Illustration: The Point of View.

=Tomkins= (_he has heard his friend Stodge talk so much about that lovely spot Wobbleswick, whither he was going sketching, that he was induced to accompany him. A day has elapsed, and he is awaking to the horror of his situation!_) "SEEMS TO ME AN INFERN----I CALL IT RATHER A DULL PLACE!"

=Stodge.= "DULL, MY DEAR FELLOW! HOW CAN YOU SAY SO? LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL, BREEZY COMMON! AND THE LINES OF THOSE OLD HOUSES ON THE BEACH, BREAKING THE HORIZON, AND THE COLOUR! AND THE JOLLY QUIET OF THE PLACE! NONE O' YOUR BEASTLY BARREL-ORGANS OR GAPING TOURISTS SWARMING ABOUT! I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT!!"

Illustration: "Lucus a Non" &c.

=Visitor.= "HOW LONG HAS YOUR MASTER BEEN AWAY?"

=Irish Footman.= "WELL, SORR, IF HE'D COME HOME YISTHERDAY, HE'D A' BEEN GONE A WAKE TO-MORROW; BUT EV HE DOESN'T RETURN THE DAY AFTHER, SHURE HE'LL A' BEEN AWAY A FORTNIGHT NEXT THORSDAY!!"

Illustration: Hyperbole.

=Saxon Sportsman.= "ANY SNIPE ABOUT HERE, MY MAN?"

=Pat.= "SNIPES, IS IT?! FAIX, THEY'RE GINERALLY JOSTLIN' 'ACH OTHER HEREABOUTS!"

Illustration: Real Irish Grievance.

=Irish Model= (_requested to put on rather a dilapidated costume_). "THE BLISSED SAINTS DIRICT ME INTO THIS COAT, SOR!"

Illustration: Our Inspection.

=Lieutenant-Colonel.= "HULLO! CONFOUND IT! THERE'S A MAN BLOWING HIS NOSE--AND WITH A POCKET-HANDKERCHIEF, TOO! TUT-T-T-T-T!"

Illustration: Hunting Appointments.

=Scientific Colonel.= "ARE YOU GOING TO THE 'KRIEGSPIEL' TO-MORROW?"

=Cavalry Sub.= (_Hunting Man_). "AUGH! 'THINK NOT, SIR. AUGH! 'MEET THE-ARE, DO THEY? NEVAR HEARD OF THE PLACE! WHERWE ON EARTH IS I--T?"!!

Illustration: Encouraging!

=Riding-Master= (_to Sub. belonging to one of the new Mounted Batteries_). "WELL, SIR! YOU'RE ALL 'OF A HEAP' ON THE HORSE'S NECK--YOU'VE LOST YOUR SWORD AND YOUR FORAGE-CAP, AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR STIRRUPS--AND----YOU'LL LOSE YOURSELF NEXT!!"

Illustration: "It's an Ill Wind" &c.

=Sporting Sub.= "I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE MY LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, COLONEL, FOR I'VE JUST HEARD MY FATHER'S HAD A BAD FALL OUT HUNTING."

=Colonel.= "DEAR ME! I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT! I HOPE HE'S NOT HURT!"

=Sporting Sub.= "OH, IT ISN'T THAT!--ONLY I WANT TO HAVE HIS HORSE!!"

Illustration: Particular!

=Adjutant of Volunteers= (_to Recruit_). "WELL, SIR, AND WHAT COMPANY DO YOU WISH TO BE IN?"

=Recruit.= "AUGH! I'VE BEEN--AH--USED TO THE CO'PANY OF--AH--GE'TLEMEN, SIR!!!!"

Illustration: The Last Word.

=Cabby= (_to stately Party, who has given him his legal Fare_). "MAKIN' YER FORTUNE, SIR, NO DOUBT!"

=Swell= (_not exactly catching the Remark_). "EH?"

=Cabby.= "YOU'RE A LAYIN' BY A GOOD BIT O' MONEY, SIR, I'LL BE BOUND!"

=Swell= (_indignantly_). "What d'you mean, Sir?"

Cabby. "WHY YOU DON'T SPEND MUCH, SEEMIN'LY!"

_Drives off in triumph._

Illustration: A Dilemma.

=Cabby.= "ERE'S A GO, P'LICEMAN! WHAT AM I TO DO?--I VOS ORDERED TO TAKE THESE 'ERE GENTS AS 'A BEEN A DININ' YOU SEE, TO THEIR 'SPECTABLE 'OMES, VUN VOS FOR 'ANOVER SQUARE, ANOTHER FOR THE HALBANY, AND THE TOTHERS ELSEVERES----VELL, THEY VOS ALL CAREFULLY SORTED VEN I STARTED, AN' NOW THEY'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' MIXED THE'RSELVES UP, AN' I DON'T KNOW VICH IS VICH!!"

Illustration: Too True!

=Mamma.= "MY DEAR CHILD, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DREADFUL SCRATCH ON YOUR ARM?"

=Little Ada.= "OH, 'MA, IT WAS 'LISBETH'S BIG BRASS BROOCH WITH THE GREEN GLASS IN IT, THAT THE TALL SOLDIER GAVE HER!"

Illustration: "Once for All."

=Mistress.= "BY THE WAY--ANNA--HANNAH--I'M NOT SURE. IS YOUR NAME ANNA, OR HANNAH?"

=New Cook= (_tartly_). "WHICH MY NAME IS ANNA, MUM--HAICH, HA, HEN, HEN, HA, HAICH,--'ANNA'"----

=Mistress= (_giving it up in despair_). "AH! THANK YOU."

Illustration: Up and Down Stairs.

=Young Mistress= (_at the Parlour Door_). "ELIZA, WHAT IS THAT BELL RINGING FOR SO VIOLENTLY?"

=Cook= (_below_). "IT'S ON'Y ME, M'UM. I WANT YOU DOWN IN THE KITCHING A MINUTE!!"

Illustration: Terms--Cash.

=Lady Bountiful.= "HERE, MY GOOD MAN, HERE'S A TICKET FOR THE ORGANISING CHARITABLE RELIEF AND REPRESSING MENDI----"

=Professional Beggar= (_with a sneer_). "O, THANKY FOR NOTHINK, MUM, _HOURS IS A READY MONEY BUSINESS_!"

Illustration: Gratitude.

=Fastidious Vagrant.= "AND THEY AIN'T 'ALF BUTTERED! I COULD 'A DONE AS WELL IF I'D GONE UP THE LANE TO THE 'UNION!'"

Illustration: Music of the Future. Sensation Opera.

=Manager= (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE BROUGHT YOU THE SCORE OF THE NEW OPERA. WE'VE ARRANGED SUCH A SCENE FOR YOU IN THE THIRD ACT! O' BOARD OF THE PIRATE SCREW, AFTER THE KEELHAULING SCENE, YOU KNOW! HEAVY ROLLING SEA, EH?--YES, AND WE CAN HAVE SOME REAL SPRAY PUMPED ON TO YOU FROM THE FIRE-ENGINE! VOLUMES OF SMOKE FROM THE FUNNEL, CLOSE BEHIND YOUR HEAD--IN FACT, YOU'LL BE ENVELOPED AS YOU RUSH ON TO THE BRIDGE! AND THEN YOU'LL SING THAT LOVELY BARCAROLLE THROUGH THE SPEAKING-TRUMPET! AND MIND YOU HOLD TIGHT, AS THE SHIP BLOWS UP JUST AS YOU COME UPON YOUR HIGH D IN THE LAST BAR!!!"

Illustration: Club Law.

=Waiter.= "DID YOU RING, SIR?"

=Member= (_trying to be calm_). "YES. WILL YOU WAKE THIS GENTLEMAN, AND SAY I SHOULD BE OBLIGED IF HE'D LET ME HAVE THE _SPECTATOR_, IF HE'S NOT READING IT."

_Old Wacklethorpe has been asleep, with the Paper firmly clutched, for the last two hours._

Illustration: "'High' Life Below Stairs!"

=Master= (_sniffing_). "THERE'S A MOST EXTRAORDINARY SMELL, JAMES. I'VE NOTICED IT SEVERAL----"

=Hall Porter.= "I DON'T WONDER AT IT, SIR. I'VE SPOKE ABOUT IT DOWN-STAIRS. THE BUTLER, SIR, YOU SEE IS ''IGH CHURCH,' WHICH HE 'AS FIT UP A HORATORY IN THE PANTRY, AND BURNS HINCENSE. WE COULD STAND THAT; BUT THE COOK IS THE 'LOW CHURCH' PERSUASION, AND SHE BURNS BROWN PAPER TO HOBVIATE THE HINCENSE. IT'S PERFECTLY HAWFUL ON SAINTS' DAYS, SIR!!!"

Illustration: Wages and Wives.

=Philanthropic Farmer.= "WELL, TOMKINS, AFTER THIS WEEK, INSTEAD OF PAYING YOU PARTLY IN CIDER, I SHALL GIVE YOU TWO SHILLINGS EXTRA WAGES."

=Tomkins.= "NO, THANKY', MASTER; THAT WON'T DO FOR ME!"

=Farmer.= "WHY, MAN, YOU'LL BE THE GAINER; FOR THE CIDER YOU HAD WASN'T WORTH TWO SHILLINGS!"

=Tomkins. ="AH, BUT YOU SEE I DRINKS THE CIDER MYSELF; BUT THE OW'D OOMAN 'LL 'EV THE TWO SHILLUN'!!"

Illustration: Pursuit o' Knowledge!

=First Agricultural= (_quite a Year after our Branch had been Opened_). "WHAT BE THEY POST-ES VUR, MAS'R SAM'L?"

=Second Ditto= (_Wag of the Village_). "WHY, TO CARRY THE TELEGRAFT WOIRES, GEARGE!"

=First Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES VUR, THEN?"

=Second Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES FUR? WHY, TO HOOLD UP THE POST-ES, SART'N'Y, GEARGE."!!!

Illustration: A Nice Prospect!

=Traveller= (_benighted in the Black Country_). "NOT A BEDROOM DISENGAGED! TUT-T-T-T!"

=Landlady= (_who is evidently in the Coal Business as well_). "OH, WE'LL ACCOMMODATE YOU SOMEHOW, SIR, IF ME AND MY 'USBAND GIVES YOU UP OUR OWN BED, SIR!"

Illustration: Boon Companions!

=Bargee.= "WHAT! GE-ARGE!"

_Rustic grins in response._

=Bargee.= "I'M ALLUS MAIN GLAD TO SEE THEE, GE-ARGE!"

=Rustic.= "WHOY?"

=Bargee.= "'CAUSE I KNOW THERE MUST BE A PUBLIC-'OUSE CLOSE BY!"

Illustration: Bereaved.

=First Pitman.= "THOU HESSENT BEEN AT THE TOUN LATELY, GEORDIE. HOO'S THAT, MAN?"

=Second Pitman.= "THOU KNAWS THE DOG'S DEED, AND AW KENNET GETTEN ANOTHER; AN' A CHAP LECKS SA FOND WITOUT A DOG!"

Illustration: Geology.

=Scientific Pedestrian.= "DO YOU FIND ANY FOSSILS HERE?"

=Excavator.= "DUNNO WHAT YUH CALLS 'VOSSULS.' WE FINDS NOWT HERE BUT MUCK AND 'ARD WORK!"

Illustration: The Morning Concert.

=Swell= (_doesn't care for music himself_). "MY DEAR, IS THIS--AH--(_yawns_)--TE-DIUM OVAR?"!!

Illustration: A Cool Card.

=Swell= (_handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party_). "AW--WOULD YOU--AW--DO ME THE FAVOUR TO WEAD THE LIST OF THE WACES TO ME WHILE WE'RE WUNNING DOWN?--I'VE--AW--FORGOTTEN MY EYEGLASS. DON'T MIND WAISING YOUR VOICE--I'M PWECIOUS DEAF!"

Illustration: "Relapse."

=Squire.= "WHY, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STANDING BY THE WALL OF THE PUBLIC-HOUSE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TEETOTALLER!"

=Pat.= "YES, YER HONNOR. I'M JUST LISTENIN' TO THEM IMPENITENT BOYS DRINKING INSIDE!"

Illustration: "_In Confidence._"

=Hungry Customer.= "'TAINT BAD."

=Chef.= "GLAD YOU LIKE IT; FOR, TO TELL YER THE TRUTH, A'THOUGH I'VE BEEN A MAKIN' O' THIS SOUP FOR FIFTEEN YEAR, I AIN'T NEVER TASTED IT MYSELF!!"

Illustration: "_The Struggle for Existence._"

=Darwinian Coster= (_to thrifty Housewife_). "WELL, FISH IS DEAR, MUM; YOU SEE IT'S A-GETTIN' WERY SCA'CE IN CONSEKENCE O' THESE 'ERE AQUERIUNS!"

Illustration: _A Satisfactory Character._

Mrs. Brisket (_about the Squire's new Bride_). "OH, YES, MUM, SHE COME IN 'ERE YESTERDAY, MUM. BLESS YER! A PUFFECT LADY. MUM! DON'T KNOW ONE J'INT O' MEAT FROM ANOTHER, MUM!!"

Illustration: _Hard Up on a Wet Day._

=Richard.= "WHAT ARE YOU RINGING FOR, BOB?"

=Robert.= "THE BEEF!"

=Richard.= "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO EAT BEEF AGAIN, BOB, ARE YOU? WHY IT ISN'T HALF-AN-HOUR SINCE BREAKFAST!"

=Robert.= "WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY HUNGRY, BUT ONE MUST DO SOMETHING!"

Illustration: _Incombinable Elements._

=First Medical Student.= "WHAT ARE YOU SIGHING FOR, JACK?"

Second Ditto. "UGH! I WAS THINKING OF THAT INFERNAL CHEMISTRY CRAM TO-MORROW, AND WHAT A DEUCED PRETTY GIRL I SAW IN GOWER STREET JUST NOW!!"

Illustration: A Desperate Case!

=First Driver.= "HOW'S POOR BOB?"

=Second Driver.= "OH, HE'S A GOOD DEAL BETTER--TAKES HIS _LOTIONS_ MORE REG'LAR----"

=First Driver= (_reassured_). "AH!"

Illustration: "Bon Voyage!"

=Bus-Conductor= (_to Portly Female, who was indignant at having been carried a little beyond her destination_). "WELL, THERE Y'ARE, MUM, FUST TO YER LEFT. Y'AINT GOT SO VERY FAR TO GO, AND THE _WIND'S AT YER BACK_!!"

Illustration: _Personal!_

=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW THEN, BILL!"

=Conductor.= "O, LOOK ALIVE, PLEASE, M'M! (_To the Driver._) CAN'T HELP IT! ALL IN THE 'ANTIQUE' LINE THIS MORNIN'! 'ERE'S THREE MORE ON 'EM!" _"'Antique,' indeed! Odious Wretch!" thought one of the parties alluded to._

Illustration: "_The Conscience Clause_"

=Rector's Wife.= "AND WHAT'S YOUR FATHER, MY BOY?"

=Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A 'HAGITATOR,' AN' HE SAYS HE WON'T HAVE ME LEARNT NO CATECHISM, 'R ELSE YOU'LL ALL OF YER EAR OV IT!"

Illustration: _Education._

=Squire.= "HOBSON, THEY TELL ME YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR BOY AWAY FROM THE NATIONAL SCHOOL. WHAT'S THAT FOR?"

=Villager.= "'CAUSE THE MASTER AIN'T FIT TO TEACH UN!"

=Squire.= "O, I'VE HEARD HE'S A VERY GOOD MASTER."

=Villager.= "WELL, ALL I KNOWS IS, HE WANTED TO TEACH MY BOY TO SPELL 'TATERS' WITH A 'P'!!!"

Illustration: "Exempli Gratia."

=Ancient Mariner= (_to credulous Yachtsman_). "A'MIRAL LORD NELSON! BLESS YER, I KNOWED HIM; SERVED UNDER HIM. MANY'S THE TIME I'VE AS'ED HIM FOR A BIT O' 'BACCO, AS I MIGHT BE A ASTIN' O' YOU; AND SAYS HE, 'WELL, I 'AIN'T GOT NO 'BACCO,' JEST AS YOU MIGHT SAY TO ME; 'BUT HERE'S A SHILLIN' FOR YER,' SAYS HE"!!

Illustration: Dignity.

=Shipping Clerk.= "ARE YOU THE MATE O' THE '_MAGGIE LAUDER_,' OF STONEHAVEN?"

=Mate= (_sternly_). "ASK IF I'M THE FIR-R-R-ST OFFICER, YOUNG MAN, AN' MAYBE I'LL GIE YE AN ANSWER!"

Illustration: _A Woman-Hater._

=Spiteful Old Party= (_who is tarring the Stays of the Flagstaff_). "STRIPED GOWNDS SEEM ALL THE 'GO' WITH 'EM, EH? (_Chuckles._) I'LL STRIPE 'EM! PUT A EXTRA STREAK O' ILE IN, O' PURPOSE--WON'T DRY FOR A MONTH! COME LOLLOPIN' ABOUT HERE WITH THEIR CRIN'LYNES AN' TR'INES, THEY MUST TAKE THE CONSEKENSES!!"

Illustration: _When You are About it._

=Magister Familias= (_parting with his Butler_). "HERE IS THE LETTER, FLANAGAN. I CAN CONSCIENTIOUSLY SAY YOU ARE HONEST AND ATTENTIVE, BUT I SHOULD HAVE TO STRETCH A POINT IF I WERE TO SAY YOU ARE SOBER."

=Mr. Flanagan.= "THANK YOU, SOR. BUT WHEN YOU _ARE_ AFTHER STHRITCHIN' A POINT, SOR, WOULDN'T YOU, PLASE, STHRITCH IT A LITTLE FURTHER, AND SAY I'M _AFTEN_ SOBER!!"

Illustration: _Sympathy._

=Epicurus.= "PAH! O, GOOD GRACIOUS, MIVINS, THAT LAST OYSTER WAS--UGH!"

=Butler= (_with feeling_). "T-T-T-T--DEAR ME! CORKED, SIR?!!"

Illustration: _The Run of the House._

=First Flunkey.= "WON'T YOU COME IN, JOHN, AND TAKE SOMETHING?"

=Second Ditto.= "THANKS, NO; I'LL LOOK YOU UP NEXT WEEK. 'BE ON BOARD-WAGES THEN, YOU KNOW!"

Illustration: "_What Next?_"

=Mistress= (_to New Housemaid_). "JANE, I'M QUITE SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU CAN'T READ OR WRITE! I'M SURE ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS WOULD GLADLY UNDERTAKE TO TEACH YOU----"

=Maid.= "O, LOR', MUM, IF THE YOUNG LADIES WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO LEARN ME ANYTHING, I SHOULD SO LIKE TO PLAY THE PIANNER."!!

Illustration: "_The Servants._"

=Cook.= "YES, SUSAN, I'M A WRITIN' TO MARY HANN MIGGS. SHE'VE APPLIED TO ME FOR THE CHARICTER OF MY LAST MISSUS, WHICH SHE'S THINKIN' OF TAKIN' THE SITIWATION----" =Susan.= "WILL YOU GIVE HER ONE?"

=Cook.= "WELL, I'VE SAID THIS. (_Reads._) 'MRS. PERKSITS PRESENTS HER COMPLIMINKS TO MISS MIGGS, AND BEGS TO INFORM HER THAT I CONSIDER MRS. BROWN A RESPEK'ABLE YOUNG PERSON, AND ONE AS KNOWS HER DOOTIES; BUT SHE CAN'T CONSHESALY RECOMMEND HER TEMPER, WHICH I HAD TO PART WITH HER ON THAT ACCOUNT.' IT'S ALLUS BEST TO BE CANDIED, YOU KNOW, SUSAN!"

Illustration: _Quite Superfluous._

=Stout Passenger= (_obstreperously_). "HOY! HOY! HOY!!"

=Bus-Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE CAN SEE YER, SIR; WE CAN SEE YER VITH THE NAKED EYE, SIR!"

Illustration: "_Noblesse Oblige._"

=Stodge= (_in answer to the reproachful look of his Cabman_). "WELL, IT'S YOUR RIGHT FARE; YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL AS I DO!"

=Cabby.= "OH! WHICH I'M WELL AWARE O' THAT, SIR! BUT----("_more in sorrow than in anger_")--AN' YOU A ARTIS', SIR!!"

_Gets another Shilling!_

Illustration: _The Beard Movement._

=Policeman= (_invidiously_). "IT'S PUFFECTLY HOPTIONAL VITH US, YOU KNOW!"

(_"The Hairs them P'licemen give theirselves," John remarked afterwards, in the Servants' Hall._)

Illustration: _Too Late._

=Departing Guest.= "BUT MY HAT WAS A BRAN-NEW ONE!"

=Greengrocer= (_Footman for the nonce_). "OH, SIR! THE SECOND-BEST 'ATS A' BEEN GONE 'ALF-AN-HOUR AGO, SIR!"

Illustration: _Music in the Midlands._

=Intelligent Youth of Country Town.= "AH SAY, BILL, ULL THAT BE T' ELIJAH GOIN' OOP I' THAT BIG BOX?!"

Illustration: _A Perfect Excuse._

=Rector= (_to his Keeper_). "'MORNING, WOODGATE. DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT CHURCH YESTERDAY?"

=Keeper= (_apologetically_). "YES, SIR. BUT--I FELT I WAS A DOIN' WRONG ALL THE TIME, SIR!"

Illustration: "_Fahrenheit._"

=Rector.= "AH, WE SHALL BE COMFORTABLE THIS MORNING, GRUFFLES, I SEE YOU'VE GOT THE TEMPERATURE UP NICELY. SIXTY, I DECLARE!"

=Clerk.= "YES, SIR, I ALLUS HEV A TROUBLE TO GET THAT THING UP. I TOOK AND WARMED IT JEST THIS MINUTE!"

Illustration: _Pleasuring!_

=Vicar= (_to Old Lady, who is returning from a Funeral_). "WELL, MARTHA, I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD A SAD AFTERNOON. IT HAS BEEN A LONG WALK, TOO, FOR YOU----"

=Martha.= "SURE-LY, 'TIS, SIR! AH, SIR, 'TAIN'T MUCH PLEASURE NOW FOR ME TO GO TO FUNERALS; I BE TOO OLD AND FULL O' RHEUMATIZ. IT WAS VERY DIFFERENT WHEN WE WAS YOUNG--THAT 'TWER!!"

Illustration: _Awkward!_

FLITHERS SPENDS HIS CHRISTMAS AT A COUNTRY HOUSE, AND THE FIRST DAY, ON THE LADIES LEAVING THE TABLE AFTER DINNER, HE JUMPS UP, AND OPENS THE _WRONG DOOR_!!

Illustration: _He Thought He was Safe_

=Irascible Old Gentleman.= "BUY A COMB! WHAT THE DEVIL SHOULD I BUY A COMB FOR! YOU DON'T SEE ANY HAIR ON MY HEAD, DO YOU?"

=Unlicensed Hawker.= "LOR' BLESS YER, SIR!--YER DON'T WANT NO 'AIR ON YER 'EAD FOR A TOOTH-COMB!!"

Illustration: _Hygiene._

=Hearty Old Gentleman= (_to dyspeptic Friend_). "DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU?! OH, I NEVER LET ANYTHING OF THAT SORT BOTHER ME! I ALWAYS EAT WHAT I LIKE, AND DRINK WHAT I LIKE, AND FINISH OFF WITH A GOOD STIFF GLASS O' GROG AT BED-TIME, AND GO FAST ASLEEP, _AN' LET 'M FIGHT 'T OUT 'MONG 'MSELVES_!!!"

Illustration: _Considerate Criticism._

=Rustic= (_to his friend_). "WA--AT, THA'S BETTER THAN DOIN' O' NAWTH'N'. I S'POOS', GEARGE!!"

Illustration: "_The Finishing Touch!_"

=Farmer= (_who has been most Obliging, and taken great Interest in the Picture_). "GOOD MORN'N', SIR! BUT--(_aghast_)--I SAY, WHAT ARE YOU A DOIN' OF, MISTER?! A P'INTIN' ALL THEM BEASTLY POPPIES IN MY CORN!--'A BIT O' COLOUR?'--WHAT 'OULD MY LANDLORD SAY, D' YOU THINK?--AND AFTER I'D PUT OFF CUTTIN' CAUSE YOU HADN'T FINISHED, TO OBLIGE YER, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D A DONE IT! YOU DON'T COME A P'INTIN' ON MY LAND ANY MORE!" _Exit, in great dudgeon._

Illustration: _À Fortiori._

=Ticket Collector.= "NOW, THEN, MAKE HASTE! WHERE'S YOUR TICKET?"

=Bandsman= (_refreshed_). "AU'VE LOST IT!"

=Ticket Collector.= "NONSENSE! FEEL IN YOUR POCKETS. YE CANNOT HEV LOST IT!"

=Bandsman.= "AW CANNOT?! WHY, MAN, AU'VE LOST THE _BIG DRUM_!"

Illustration: "_Nae That Fou!_"

=Country Gentlemen= (_who thought he'd got such a treasure of a new Gardener_). "TUT, TUT, TUT! BLESS MY SOUL, SAUNDERS! HOW--WHAT'S ALL THIS? DISGRACEFULLY INTOXICATED AT THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING! AIN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?!"

=Saunders.= "'SH-HAMED? (_Hic._) NA, NA, 'M NAE SAE DRUNK AS THAT COMES T'! AH KEN VARRA WEEL WHAT A'M ABOOT!!"

Illustration: Hibernian Veracity.

=Paterfamilias= (_with his Family in Ireland_). "HAVE YOU ANY WEST INDIA PICKLES, WAITER?"

=Paddy.= "WE'VE NOT, SOR."

=Paterfamilias.= "NO HOT PICKLES OF ANY DESCRIPTION?"

=Paddy.= "NO; SHURE THEY'RE ALL COULD, SOR."

Illustration: Quite Another Thing.

=Paddy= (_the loser_). "ABRAM, G'ALONG! I SAID I'D LAY YOU FOIVE TO WAN, BUT I WASN'T GOIN' TO BET MY HA'F-CROWN AGIN YOUR TATH'RIN LITTLE SIXPENCE!"

_Exeunt fighting._

Illustration: A Fair Offer.

=Athletic Barman.= "NOW, IF YOU DON'T TAKE YOURSELF OFF, I'LL PRECIOUS SOON TURN YOU OUT!"

=Pat= (_with a yell_). "TUR-R-RN ME OUT? IS IT TUR-R-RN ME OUT? THIN, BEDAD! COME OUTSIDE, AN' TUR-R-RN ME OUT!!"

Illustration: "The Way We Live Now."

=Swell Coachman= (_with his eye on the Brougham's cockade_). "YOUR GUV'NER IN THE ARMY?"

=Brougham= (_artlessly_). "NOT 'ZACTLY IN THE HARMY. BUT MISSIS SAY AS THEY SOLD MILINGTARY CUR'OSITIES WHEN THEY KEP' A SHOP IN 'OLBORN!!"

Illustration: Re-Assuring.

=Nervous Old Lady= (_Band in the Distance_). "OH, THERE ARE THOSE DREADFUL VOLUNTEERS, JOSEPH! I KNOW THE HORSE WILL TAKE FRIGHT! HADN'T YOU BETTER TURN HIM ROUND?!"

=Coachman= (_who will have his own way_). "OH, LET 'IM ALONE, 'M; HE'LL TURN 'ISSELF ROUND, AND PRETTY QUICK, TOO, IF HE'S FRIGHTENED!!"

Illustration: Well Meant.

=Shoeblack= (_to daily Customer_). "SUCH A TREAT WE'VE GOT TO-NIGHT, SIR! TEA AN' BUNS, AN' SPEECHES AT EXETER 'ALL! WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO, SIR?"

=City Magnate.= "OH, THEY WOULDN'T LET ME IN, MY BOY."

=Shoeblack.= "UM!" (_Ponders._) "WELL--LOOK 'ERE. I THINK I COULD SMUG YER IN AS MY _FATHER_!!"

Illustration: Nature and Art.

=Pedestrian.= "THAT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY LOOKING DOG, MY BOY. WHAT DO YOU CALL HIM?"

=Boy.= "FUST OF ALL HE WER' A GREY'OUND, SIR, AN' 'IS NAME WAS 'FLY,' AS' THEN THEY CUT 'IS EARS AN' TAIL OFF, AN' MADE A MASTI' DOG ON 'IM, AN' NOW 'IS NAME'S 'LION'!"

Illustration: Natural Advantages.

=Teacher.= "WHAT BIRD DID NOAH SEND OUT OF THE ARK?"

=Smallest Boy In the Class= (_after a Pause_). "A DOVE, SIR."

=Teacher.= "VERY WELL. BUT I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT SOME OF YOU BIG BOYS WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT!"

=Tall Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, THAT BOY OUGHT TO KNOW, SIR, 'CAUSE HIS FATHER'S A BIRD-KETCHER, SIR!!!"

Illustration: The Restraints of Society.

=Juvenile Bohemian.= "HATE GOIN' OUT TO TEA! 'HAVE TO BE GOOD SUCH A PRECIOUS LONG TIME!!"

Illustration: Simple Addition.

=New Governess.= "WHY ARE YOU STARING SO INTENTLY, BLANCHE, DEAR?"

=Blanche.= "I WAS TRYING TO COUNT THE FRECKLES ON YOUR FACE, MISS SANDYPOLE, BUT I CAN'T!"

Illustration: Secrets.

=Intelligent Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, MISS, THERE WAS A YOUNG GENTLEMAN CALLED WHEN YOU WAS OUT. HE DIDN'T LEAVE NO CARD, MISS; BUT I CAN SHOW YOU WHO HE IS, 'CAUSE THERE'S THREE OF HIS PHOTYGRAPHS IN YOUR ALBUM."

Illustration: "A Parthian Shaft."

=Cook.= "NOW, I'M A LEAVIN' OF YER, M'UM, I MAY AS WELL TELL YER AS THE KEY O' THE KITCHING-DOOR FITS YOUR STORE-ROOM!"

Illustration: Sweet Simplicity.

=Visitor.= "JANE, HAS YOUR MISTRESS GOT A BOOT-JACK?"

=Maid-of-all-Work.= "NO, SIR; PLEASE, SIR, I CLEAN ALL THE BOOTS, SIR!"

Illustration: Master of the Situation?!

SCENE--_Mr. Tethershort's Sanctum._ ENTER _Mrs. T. and her Cook._

=Cook= (_with her usual promptitude--SHE never kept anybody waiting_). "OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN OF MISSIS! WHICH SHE COME A DICTATERIN' AND A HINTERFERIN' IN YOUR KITCHING IN A WAY AS I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T APPROVE ON," &C., &C., &C.!!

_T. confesses he felt (for the first and last time) a delicious sensation of being apparently master in his own house. She was an admirable Cook, and altogether a most excell---- BUT HOWEVER SHE HAD TO GO_!

Illustration: Manners!

=Young Mistress.= "JANE, I'M SURPRISED THAT NONE OF YOU STOOD UP WHEN I WENT INTO THE KITCHEN JUST NOW!"

=Jane.= "INDEED, MUM! WHICH WE WAS SU'PRISED OURSELVES AT YOUR A COMIN' INTO THE KITCHING WHILE WE WAS A 'AVIN' OUR _LUNCHEONS_!!"

Illustration: A Regular Turk!

=Adjutant.= "WELL, SERGEANT, HOW'S YOUR PRISONER GETTING ON?"

=Sergeant of the Guard.= "BEDAD, SOR, HE'S THE VI'LENTEST BLAGGYARD I IVER HAD TO DO WID! WE'RE ALL IN TIRROR IV OUR LOIVES! SHURE WE'RE OBLIGED TO FEED HIM WID FIXED BAY'NITS!"

Illustration: "Incidit in Scyllam," &c.

=Ensign Muffles= (_alluding to his Moustache_). "YOU SEE, SOME SAY, 'WEAR IT,' YOU KNOW; AND SOME SAY, 'CUT IT OFF,' YOU KNOW; BUT IF I TOOK EVERYBODY'S ADVICE I SHOULD BE LIKE THE OLD MAN AND HIS DONKEY."

=Sergeant O'Rourke.= "YOUR'R HON'RR WOULD--(BUT NOT WISHING TO BE PERSONAL ABOUT HIS OFFICER'S AGE) THAT IS--LASTE-WAYS,--BARRIN THE OULD MAN, YOUR HON-R-R-R!!!"

Illustration: What H. M. Civil Servants have to Endure.

(BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES.)

=Mr. Registrar.= "WHAT'S THE NUMBER OF YOUR DEED, SIR?"

=Attorney's Clerk.= "H-eight, H-ought H-eight, H-ought, Sevin, Sir!"

=Mr. Registrar= (_faintly_). "OH DEAR! OH DEAR!--(NOTES DOWN THE NUMBER)--THAT WILL DO."

_And is so upset that he takes a month's holiday on the spot._

Illustration: Curious.

=English Tourist= (_in Ireland_). "TELL ME, WAITER, AT WHAT HOUR DOES THE FIRST TRAIN LEAVE FOR CLONMEL?"

=Waiter.= "IS IT THE FURRST THRAIN, SOR? I'M NOT RIGHTLY SHURE. THE NOINE THRAIN UP USED TO LAVE AT HA'F-PAST NOINE--BUT FAIX IT GOES AT TIN NOW, AND THERE'S NO FURRST THRAIN NOW AT ALL AT ALL. BUT I'LL AX AT THE BAR, SORR!!"

Illustration: Anything for a Change.

=Artist= (_to Old Fellow-Student_). "AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THESE YEARS,--WHAT ARE YOU PAINTING?"

=Swell.= "OH, I GAVE UP PAINTING, MY DEAR FELLOW--THEN I TOOK TO TEACHING! BUT YOU CAN'T FIND PUPILS IN GENIUS, YOU KNOW, SO NOW I GO IN FOR ART CRITICISM! I KNOW I'M STRONG IN THAT! DID YOU SEE MY ARTICLE IN THIS WEEK'S 'NOW A DAYS?'"

Illustration: Appearances.

=Plushington.= "I SAY, STODGE, SINGULAR THING--YOUR LANDLADY ADDRESSED ME 'MY LORD' WHEN I ASKED IF YOU WERE WITHIN!"

=Artist.= "NOT AT ALL, MY DEAR FELLOW. IT'S YOUR HAT AND PERSONAL APPEARANCE! IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL ENCOURAGE THE IDEA. IT WILL GIVE HER CONFIDENCE IN ME, AND----EH?"

_Plushington will be delighted._

Illustration: From One Point of View.

SCENE--_British Jury Room. All agreed on their Verdict except_----

=Irish Juryman= (_who holds out_). "AH, THIN, ILIV'N MORE OBSTINIT' MEN I NIVIR MET IN ALL ME LOIFE!!"

Illustration: Our Art-School Conversazione

AT WHICH (IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE INCREASED SPACE ANTICIPATED AT THE R. A. EXHIBITION) THERE IS A GREATER CROWD THAN USUAL.

=Model= (_who has charge of the Hats and Coats_). "NO. 97? YESSIR. THERE NOW! IF I DIDN'T SEE THAT 'AT--AH--NOT A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AGO!!"

_Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely time to catch his last train!_

Illustration: Between Two Shoeblacks We Fall to, &c.

=First Shoeblack.= "I COTCHED 'OLD ON 'IM FUST!"

=Second Ditto.= "YOU'RE A ----!"

_Old Gentleman is flung heavily._

Illustration: Im-pertinent.

=Stout Gent.= (_naturally suspicious of the Street Boy_). "GE' OUT O' MY WAY, YOU YOUNG RASCAL!"

=Street Boy.= "VICH VAY ROUND, GOV'NOUR?"

Illustration: Register! Register!!

=Aunt Sophy.= "NOW SUPPOSE, GEORGE, AS A SINGLE WOMAN I SHOULD HAVE MY NAME PUT ON THE REGISTER, WHAT SHOULD I GET BY IT?"

=Pet Nephew.= "OH, A GOOD DEAL. YOU'D BE ALLOWED TO SERVE ON CORONER JURIES, COMMON JURIES, ANNOYANCE JURIES, PAY POWDER TAX AND ARMORIAL BEARINGS, ACT AS PARISH BEADLE AND NIGHT CONSTABLE OF THE CASUAL WARD, AND INSPECTOR OF NUISANCES, REPORT ON FEVER DISTRICTS, AND ALL JOLLY THINGS OF THAT SORT."

Illustration: "Not Proven."

=Presbyterian Minister.= "DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S WICKED TO CATCH FISH ON THE SAWBATH!?"

=Small Boy= (_not having had a rise all the Morning_). "WHA'S CATCHIN' FESH?!"

Illustration: An Evening's Fishing (Behind the Distillery at Sligo).

=First Factory Lad.= "DOM'NICK, DID YOU GET E'ER A BITE AT ALL?"

=Second Ditto.= "SORRA WAN, PAT. ONLY WAN SMALL WAN!"

=First Ditto.= "YERRAD! LAVE IT THERE, AN' COME HOME. SHURE YOU'LL GET MORE THAN THAT IN BED!"

Illustration: "The Harp in the Air."

=Irish Gentleman= (_who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to the fitful Music of the Telegraph Wires_). "SHURE! WHOIVER Y'ARE YE CAN'T PLAY A BIT! HOW CAN A JINTLEMAN DANCE--(_hic!_)--IV YE DON'T KAPE THIME?"!!

Illustration: Irish Ideal of Themis.

=Biddy= (_to Pat in charge about a difficulty_). "NEVER FEAR, PAT! SHURE Y'AVE GOT AN UPRIGHT JIDGE TO THRY YE!"

=Pat.= "AH, BIDDY DARLIN', THE DIVEL AN UPRIGHT JIDGE I WANT! 'TIS WONE THAT'LL _LANE_ A LITTLE!!"

Illustration: "Canny."

=First North Briton.= "'T'S A FINE DAY, THIS?"

=Second Ditto.= "NO ILL, AVA."

=First North Briton.= "YE'LL BE TRAVELLIN'?"

=Second Ditto.= "WEEL, MAYBE I'M NO."

=First North Briton.= "GAUN T'ABERDEEN, MAYBE?"

=Second Ditto.= "YE'RE NO FAUR AFF'T!!"

_Mutually satisfied, each goes his respective way._

Illustration: _Irish Architecture._

=Angler= (_in Ireland_). "HULLO, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT NOW?"

=Pat.= "SHURE, I'M RAISIN' ME ROOF A BIT, YER HONOUR-R!!"

Illustration: _Thrift_.

=Peebles Body= (_to Townsman who was supposed to be in London on a visit_). "E--EH, MAC! YE'RE SUNE HAME AGAIN!"

=Mac.= "E--EH, IT'S JUST A RUINOUS PLACE, THAT! MUN, A HAD NA' BEEN THE-ERRE ABUNE TWA HOOURS WHEN--_BANG_--WENT _SAXPENCE_!!!"

Illustration: _Scruples._

=English Tourist= (_having arrived at Greenock on Sunday morning_). "MY MAN, WHAT'S YOUR CHARGE FOR ROWING ME ACROSS THE FRITH?"

=Boatman.= "WEEL, SIR, I WAS JIST THINKIN' I CANNA BREAK THE SAWBATH-DAY FOR NO LESS THAN F'FTEEN SHULL'N'S!!"

Illustration: A Bad Season.

=Sportsman.= "I CAN ASSURE YOU, WHAT WITH THE RENT OF THE MOOR, AND MY EXPENSES, AND 'WHAT NOT,' THE BIRDS HAVE COST ME--AH--A SOVEREIGN APIECE!!"

=Keeper.= "A' weel, Sir! 'Deed it's a Maircy ye didna Kill na mair o' 'em!!"

Illustration: "Familiarity breeds Contempt."

=Keeper= (_who wants to drive the Pheasants to the Squire's corner_). "HOOO-O-O-SH! HERE, BILL, COME HERE! THEY 'ON'T GET UP FOR ME! THEY KNOW ME TOO WELL!"

Illustration: Intelligent!

=Artist= (_who thinks he has found a good Model for his TOUCHSTONE_.) "HAVE YOU ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR, MR. BINGLES?"

=Model.= "THANK Y' SIR, NO, SIR, THANK Y'. I ENJ'YS PRETTY GOOD 'EALTH, SIR, THANK Y' SIR!"

Illustration: The "Nimble Ninepence."

=City Gent= (_after a critical Inspection_). "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THAT MOONLIGHT?"

=Picture-Dealer.= "I'LL SHELL YER THE TWO A BARGAIN, SHIR! CHEAP ASH DIRT, SHIR! SHEVENTY-FIVE GUINEASH APEICSHE, SHIR! I'LL WARRANT 'EM UNDOUBTED SMETHERS'S. SHEVENTY-FIVE----"

=City Gent.= "O, COME, I DON'T MIND GIVING YOU--THIRTY SHILLINGS FOR THE PAIR."

=Picture-Dealer= (_closing with alacrity_). "DONE! WITH YOU, SHIR!!"

_City Gent is in for 'em!_

Illustration: Menace.

=Little Angler= (_to her refractory Bait_). "KEEP STILL, YOU TIRESOME LITTLE THING! IF YOU DON'T LEAVE OFF SKRIGGLING, I'LL THROW YOU AWAY, AND TAKE ANOTHER!"

Illustration: "A Thing of Beauty."

=Visitor.= "WELL, GEORGE, AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO BE, WHEN YOU HAVE GROWN UP?"

=George= (_promptly_). "AN ARTIST!"

=Visitor.= "WELL, THEN, YOU SHALL PAINT MY PORTRAIT."

=George.= "AH! BUT I MEAN TO PAINT PRETTY THINGS!!"

Illustration: Mixed Pickles.

=Domestic= (_in terrified accents_). "O, MUM, HERE'S MASTER PLANTAG'N'T, 'M, HAS BEEN AND BROKE HIS GRAN'PA'S INK-BOTTLE IN THE LIB'ARY, AND CUT HIS FINGER DREADFUL, 'M!!"

=Grandmamma's Darling= (_gleefully alluding to his Nasal Organ_). "AND GOT A MARBLE UP BY DOZE, GRA'DBA'!!"

Illustration: The Trials of a District Visitor.

=The Honourable Miss Fuzbuz= (_loq._). "IS MRS. HIGGINS WITHIN?"

=Mrs. Tomkins.= "I'LL CALL 'ER, M'UM." (_At the top of her Voice._) "MRS. 'IG----GINS! ERE'S THE PERSON WITH THE TRAC'S!" (_To the Honourable Miss._) "THE LADY WILL BE DOWN PRESENTLY, M'UM!!"

Illustration: Legitimate Criticism.

=Aged Village Matron= (_to Sympathising Visitor_). "IT'S A 'COOKERY BOOK,' AS MRS. PENEWISE, OUR 'DISTRICT LADY,' GIVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS, MISS. I'D A DEAL SOONER A' HAD THE INGRIDDIMENTS, MISS!!"

Illustration: "The Servants."

=Old Lady.= "THEY'RE ALL ALIKE, MY DEAR. THERE'S OUR SUSAN (IT'S TRUE SHE'S A DISSENTER), BUT I'VE ALLOWED HER TO GO TO CHAPEL THREE TIMES EVERY SUNDAY SINCE SHE HAS LIVED WITH ME, AND I ASSURE YOU SHE DOESN'T COOK A BIT BETTER THAN SHE DID THE FIRST DAY!!"

Illustration: Pleasant for Simpkins!

=Photographer= (_to Mr. Simpkins_). "KEEP YOUR HEAD STEADY, PLEASE, SIR, AND LOOK IN THE DIRECTION OF THOSE YOUNG LADIES. STEADY NOW, SIR! DON'T WINK, SIR!"

=Mrs. S.= (_by a look that Mr. S. quite understood_). "JUST LET ME SEE HIM WINK!!"

Illustration: A Misnomer.

=Country Valetudinarian.= "AH YES, MU'M, I'VE HAD THE 'LUMBAGER TURR'BLE BAD, MU'M! 'KETCHES ME IN THE _SMALL_ O' THE BACK 'ERE, MU'M!!"

Illustration: "Winkles!"

=Philanthropic Coster'= (_who has been crying "Perry-wink--wink--wink!" till he's hoarse--and no buyers_). "I WONDER WHAT THE P'OR UNFORT'NATE CREETERS IN THESE 'ERE LOW NEIGHB'R'OODS DO LIVE ON!!"

Illustration: "The Last (Co-operative) Feather."

'=My Lady.=' "JUST TAKE AND TIE UP A COUPLE OF THOSE SACKS BEHIND THE CARRIAGE, JAMES. THERE'LL BE ROOM, IF ONE OF YOU RIDES ON THE BOX!!"

Illustration: Disaffection!

=Adjutant.= "What's the Matter, Drum-Major?"

=Drum-Major.= "Please, Sir, the Drums is in a state of Mutiny, and these are the Ringleaders!!"

Illustration: Zoology.

=Railway Porter= (_to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets_). "'STATION MASTER SAY, MUM, AS CATS IS 'DOGS,' AND RABBITS IS 'DOGS,' AND SO'S PARROTS; BUT THIS ERE 'TORTIS' IS A INSECT, SO THERE AIN'T NO CHARGE FOR IT!"

Illustration: Extortion.

=Porter, S. E. R.= "TICKET FOR MUSICAL INSTRUMENT, PLEASE, SIR."

=Amateur Violoncellist= (_who never travels without his bass, indignantly_). "WHAT! PAY FOR THIS? I'VE NEVER HAD TO PAY ON ANY OTHER LINE. THIS IS MY 'CELLO!"

=Porter= (_calmly_). "NOT PERSONAL LUGGAGE, SIR. ALL THE SAME IF YOU'D A HURDY-GURDY, SIR!!"

_Our Amateur's feelings are too much for him._

Illustration: "Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?"

=Little Flora= (_in great distress_). "OH, MAMMA, LOOK HERE! JACK SAYS IT'S AUNT FANNY! SHE'S GOT ON HER BEAUTIFUL BALL-DRESS WITH THE ROSES ON IT, AND SHE'S _STUCK IN THE CHIMNEY_!"

Illustration: Compliments of the Season.

=Fond Parent.= "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF."

=Mr. Stimpson.= "SO I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM!"

Illustration: On the Face of It.

=Pretty Teacher.= "NOW, JOHNNY WELLS, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS MEANT BY A MIRACLE?"

=Johnny.= "YES, TEACHER. MOTHER SAYS IF YOU DUN'T MARRY NEW PARSON, 'TWULL BE A MURRACLE!"

Illustration: Obvious Initiative.

(_A lively Native of the Deep Sea seizes hold of a Shepherd's Dog by the Tail, who makes off as fast as he can._)

=Fishmonger= (_in a rage_). "WHUSTLE ON YER DOG, MUN!"

=Highlander= (_coolly_). "WHUSTLE ON M' DOG? NA, NA, FRIEND! WHUSTLE YOU ON YOUR _PARTAN_!!"

Illustration: Driving a Bargain.

=Economical Drover.= "A TEECK'T TAE FAA'KIRK."

=Polite Clerk.= "FIVE-AND-NINEPENCE, PLEASE."

=Drover.= "AH'LL GIE YE FIVE SHILLINGS!"

=Clerk= (_astonished_). "EH!"

=Drover=. "WEEL, AH'LL GIE YE FIVE-AN'-THRIPPENCE, AN' DEIL A BAWBEE MAIR! IS'T A BARGAIN?!"

Illustration: Candid.

=Tam= (_very dry, at door of Country Inn, Sunday Morning_). "AYE, MAN, YE MICHT GIE ME A BIT GILL OOT IN A BOTTLE!"

=Landlord= (_from within_). "WEEL, YE KEN, TAMMAS, I DAURNA SELL ONYTHING THE DAY. AND FORBYE YE GOT A HALF-MUTCHKIN AWA' WI' YE LAST NICHT (AFTER HOORS TAE); IT CANNA BE A' DUNE YET!"

=Tam.= "DUNE! LOSH, MAN, D'YE THINK A' COULD SLEEP AN' WHUSKEY I' THE HOOSE?!"

Illustration: An Irish Model.

=Mrs. Magillicuddy= (_to her Daughter_). "WHY, WHY, ROSEEN! WHAT'S BEEN DELAYIN' YE? WHY! AND ME WAITIN' THIS HOUR PAST TO COME IN WID THE MILK!"

=Rose.= "O, SURE, THIN, MOTHER DEAR, ON ME WAY BACK FROM THE MEADA' I MET SUCH A DARLIN' ENGLISH JINTLEMAN--A RALE ARTIST. WHY, AND HE AXED ME TO ALLOW HIM TO TAKE ME LANDSKIP; AND O, MOTHER MAVRONE, IT'S A WONDER HOW LIKE ME HE'S MED IT, GLORY BE TO THE SAINTS!"

Illustration: A Benediction!

=Irish Beggarwoman= (_to our friend, Dr. O'Gorman, whose Nose is of the shortest_). "WON'T YE GIVE ME A COPPER, DOCTHER DEAR? THEY, NOW, IF YE HAVEN'T WAN PENNY CONVANIENT!--AND MAY THE BLISSED SAINTS INCRASE YE!"

=Dr. O'Gorman.= "STAND ASIDE, MY GOOD WOMAN. I'VE NOTHING FOR YOU."

=Beggarwoman.= "O, THIN, THE LARD PRESARVE YER EYESIGHT, FOR THE DIVIL A NOSE YE HAVE TO MOUNT THE 'SPECS' UPON!!"

Illustration: Mrs. Frummage's Birthday Dinner-Party.

=Mrs. F.= ("_coming from behind the Screen, sneakin' just like her_"). "THERE! OH YOU GOODFORNOTHING BOY, NOW I'VE FOUND YOU OUT. HOW DARE YOU TOUCH THE WINE, SIR?"

=Robert.= "PLEASE 'M, I WAS--I WAS ONLY JUST A GOIN' TO WISH YOURS AN' MASTER'S WERY GOOD 'EALTH 'M!"

Illustration: Confession.

=Old Lady= (_who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any longer_). "NOW, ROBERT, I WANT YOU CLEARLY TO UNDERSTAND THE REASON I PART WITH YOU. CAN YOU TELL ME?"

=Robert= (_affected to tears_). "YES, 'M."

=Old Lady.= "WHAT, ROBERT?"

=Robert.= "'CAUSE I'M--(_SNIFF_)--'CAUSE I'M--'CAUSE I'M _SO UGLY_!!"

Illustration: A Stroke of Business.

=Village Hampden= (_"who with dauntless breast" has undertaken, for sixpence, to keep off the other boys_). "IF ANY OF YER WANTS TO SEE WHAT WE'RE A PAINTIN' OF, IT'S A 'ALFPENNY A 'EAD, BUT YOU MARN'T MAKE NO REMARKS."

Illustration: Proper Reproof.

=Fussy Party.= "WHY DON'T YOU TOUCH YOUR HAT TO ME, BOY?"

=Country Boy.= "SO I WUL I' YEAOU'LL HOWD THE CA-ALF!"

Illustration: Little and Good.

=Gentleman.= "WHO DO THESE PIGS BELONG TO, BOY?"

'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THIS 'ERE OWD ZOW."

=Gentleman.= "YES, YES; BUT I MEAN WHO'S THEIR MASTER?"

'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN; HE'S A VARMUN TO FOIGHT!"

Illustration: "Mistakes Will Happen."

=Mamma= (_alarmed_). "WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?"

=Pet.= "YA--AH, BOO--OOH--AH!"

=Mamma.= "WHAT'S THE MATTER, THEN? COME AND TELL ITS OWN----"

=Pet.= "BA--H-OO-H--SHE--SHE DID--WASH ME ONCE--AN'--SAYS--SHE DIDN'T--AN'--SHE'S BEEN--AN' GONE AN' WASHED ME OVER AGAIN!!"

Illustration: Brushing Pa's New Hat.

=Edith.= "NOW, TOMMY, YOU KEEP TURNING SLOWLY, TILL WE'VE DONE IT ALL ROUND."

Illustration: More Than One for His Nob.

=Irritable Old Gentleman= (_who is rather particular about his appearance_). "I WISH YOU'D BE CAREFUL. THAT'S THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME YOU'VE PRICKED ME WITH YOUR SCISSORS!"

=Young Man= (_from "Round the Corner"_). "BEG YER PARDON, SIR, BUT THE FACT IS, SIR, I 'AVEN'T BEEN IN THE 'ABIT O' CUTTIN' 'AIR, SIR. WE'RE RATHER SHORT OF 'ANDS, SO----"

_Old Gent explodes._

Illustration: A Passage of Arms.

=Hairdresser.= "'AIR'S VERY DRY, SIR!"

=Customer= (_who knows what's coming_). "I LIKE IT DRY!"

=Hairdresser= (_after awhile, again advancing to the attack_). "'EAD'S VERY SCURFY, SIR!"

=Customer= (_still cautiously retiring_). "YA-AS, I PREFER IT SCURFY!"

_Assailant gives in defeated_

Illustration: Flunkeianum.

=Master.= "THOMPSON, I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED AN OBJECTION TO BEING SERVED WITH STALE BREAD AT DINNER. HOW IS IT MY WISHES HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDED TO?"

=Thompson.= "WELL, SIR, I REELY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS TO BE DONE! IT WON'T DO TO WASTE IT, AND WE _CAN'T_ EAT IT DOWN-STAIRS!!"

Illustration: _A Dilemma._

=Auxiliary Recruit= (_to himself_). "MURDER! MURDER! WHAT'LL I DO NOW? 'DRILL-SARJINT TOULD ME ALWAYS TO SALUTE ME OFFICER WID THE FAR-OFF HAND, AND HERE'S TWO IV EM! FAIX, I'LL MAKE IT STRAIGHT FOR MESELF ANYHOW!"

_Throws up both Hands._

Illustration: _Lessons in the Vacation._

=Public School-man.= "HE-AR, CABBY, WE'LL GIVE YOU EIGHTEEN-PENCE TO TAKE US TO BRIXTON."

=Cabby.= "WELL, I GENERALLY DO CARRY CHILDREN 'ALF PRICE, BUT I'M ENGAGED THIS MORNING, GENTS!"

Illustration: Wimbledon.

=The Irrepressible 'Arry= (_to Swell--Small-bore Man--who has just fired_). "YA--AH! NEVER 'IT IT!!"

Illustration: Wimbledon.

=Volunteer Mounted Officer= (_Midnight_). "HULLO HERE! WHY DON'T YOU TURN OUT THE GUARD? I'M THE FIELD-OFFICER OF THE DAY!"

=Volunteer Sentry.= "THEN WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU DOIN' OUT THIS TIME O' NIGHT?"

Illustration: A Hardship.

=Mistress.= "I THINK, ELIZABETH, I MUST ASK YOU TO GO TO CHURCH THIS AFTERNOON INSTEAD OF THIS MORNING, BECAUSE----"

=Elizabeth= (_indignantly_). "WELL, MUM, WHICH IN MY LAST PLACE I WAS NEVER AS'ED TO GO AN' 'EAR A CURATE PREACH!"

Illustration: "Like her Impudence."

=Missis and the Young Ladies= (_together_). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS, J'MIMA! WHAT HAVE YOU----_WHERE'S_ YOUR CR'N'LIN?" (_This word snappishly._)

=Jemima.= "OH 'M, PLEASE 'M, WHICH I UNDERSTOOD AS THEY WAS A GOIN' OUT, 'M----"

_Receives warning on the spot._

Illustration: "Too Bad!"

=Comic Man= (_in an audible Whisper, while his Friend is "obliging" with "Adelaide"_). "LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO THE PASSIONATE PART NOW. YOU'LL SEE HIM WAG HIS SHOULDERS!"

Illustration: "It's the Pace that Kills."

=Miss Rattleton= (_who means Waltzing_). "OH, I DID NOT SAY 'STOP,' MR. PLUMPLEY."

=Mr. Plumpley= (_utterly blown, in gasps_). "'MSURE YOU--MUSTBETIRED----"

_And joins the Card-players._

Illustration: The Gamut.

=Jack Bowbell= (_beginning his Song_). "'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----"

=Tom Belgrave.= "ONE MOMENT--EXCUSE ME, MY DEAR FELLOW--BUT DON'T YOU THINK THE SONG WOULD GO BETTER IF YOU WERE TO SOUND YOUR _H_'S JUST A LITTLE?"

=Jack Bowbell.= "EH? SOUND MY _H_'S?" (_Chuckles._) "SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU KNOW ABOUT MUSIC!--NO SUCH NOTE--ONLY GOES UP TO _G_!" (_Continues._) "'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----"

Illustration: _Garrison Instruction._

=Instructor= (_lecturing_). "GENTLEMEN, A THREE-LEGGED TRESTLE IS A TRESTLE WITH THREE LEGS. YOU HAD BETTER MAKE A NOTE OF THAT, GENTLEMEN." (_Intense scribbling._)

=General in Embryo= (_but not at present noted for smartness_), _after a pause of some Minutes_. "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MAJOR, BUT HOW MANY LEGS DID YOU SAY THE TRESTLE HAD?" (_Left sitting._)

Illustration: Cavalry Criticism.

=Adjutant= (_to Riding-Master_). "AH, THERE'S MR. QUICKSTEP!" (_Who had just Exchanged into the Regiment from the Infantry_.) "HOW DOES HE GET ON?"

=Riding-Master=. "WELL, SIR, I THINK HE'S THE HOSSIEST GEN'LEMAN AFUT--AND THE FUTTIEST GEN'LEMAN ON A HOS THAT EVER I'VE MET WITH SINCE I'VE BEEN IN THE REG'MENT!"

Illustration: "_The Way we Had in the Army._"

=Colonel= (_of the pre-Examination period--to studious Sub_). "I SAY, YOUNGSTER, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A SOLDIER IF YOU DON'T MIND WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT!"

=Sub= (_mildly_). "I SHOULD BE SORRY TO THINK THAT, SIR!"

=Colonel.= "I SAW YOU SNEAKING UP THE HIGH STREET YESTERDAY, LOOKING LIKE A METHODIST PARSON IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES!--HOLD UP YOUR HEAD, SIR! BUY A STICK, SIR! SLAP YOUR LEG, SIR! AND STARE AT THE GIRLS AT THE WINDOWS!"

Illustration: "An Officer and a Gentleman!"

=Volunteer Captain= (_bumptiously_). "OFFICER'S TICKET!"

=Considerate Clerk=. "GOVER'MENT TARIFF'S HIGH ON THIS LINE, SIR. YOU'D BETTER GO AS A GENTLEMAN! CHEAPER!"

_The Captain is shocked, loses his presence of mind, and takes advantage of the suggestion_.

Illustration: "The Service going to, &c.!"

ENSIGN BROWN SHARES A TENT AT WIMBLEDON WITH HIS FRIEND JONES, PRIVATE IN THE SAME COMPANY.

=Ensign Brown=. "OH, I SAY, JO--MR. JONES, THERE'S ONE OF THOSE PEGS LOOSE. HEM--WILL YOU--I WISH--JUST JUMP OUT, AND MAKE IT FAST!"

=Private Jones=. "OH, HANG IT, BR--MR. BROWN! COME, I DON'T MIND TOSSING YOU!!"

Illustration: Presence of Mind.

=Constables= (_in chorus_). "HOY! HULLO! STOP! TURN BACK THERE! CAN'T COME THROUGH THE PARK!"

=Elderly Female= (_in a hurry to catch a train_). "P'LICEMAN, I'M THE _'OME SECRETARY_!!!"

=Sergeant of Police= (_taken aback_). "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, I'M SURE, MUM! ALL RIGHT--DRIVE ON, CABBY!"

_Old Lady saves the train._

Illustration: "Bric à Brac."

=Mamma= } { {SAM!" }_together_ {"GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, { =Daughters=} { {PA'!"

=Papa= (_who has a passion for Antiques_). "MY DEARS, I THOUGHT IT WOULD DO SO NICELY FOR THE LANDING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, EH."

Illustration: Encouraging.

=First Bystander= (_evidently Village Schoolmaster--ignorant set of people generally!_). "DON'T SEEM TO BE MAKING MUCH OF IT, DO 'E?"

=Second Bystander= (_you'd have thought him an intelligent Farmer, by the look of him_). "AMMY-TOOR, SEEMIN'LY!!"

Illustration: "Fine Art."

=Rural Connoisseur.= "HE'S A P'INTIN' TWO PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D' YER SEE? 'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S GOT HIS THUMB THROUGH, THE BEST!"

Illustration: _Our Reserves._

(AUXILIARY FORCES, NORTH OF IRELAND.)

=Last Joined Supernumerary.= "NOW, THEN, SENTRY, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE YOUR OFFICER?"

=Militia Sentry= (_old Yankee Irish Veteran, who has been through the "Secesh" War_). "SALUTE, IS IT? DIVEL A SALUTE YOU'LL GET ONTILL YE PAY YER FUTTIN'!!"

Illustration: _Badinage._

=Facetious 'Bus-Driver= (_offering to pull up_). "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR. LOOK SHARP, BILL AND 'ELP THE GEN'LEMAN IN WITH HIS LUGGAGE!"

=Chimney-Sweep= (_whose self-respect is hurt_) _uses strong language!_

='Bus-Driver.= "BEG PARD'N, SIR. GEN'LEMAN AIN'T FOR US, BILL. HE'S A LOOKIN' OUT FOR A 'HATLAS. GOIN' TO MADAM TOOSAWD'S, TO 'AVE HIS STATTY DONE IN WAX-WORK!!"

Illustration: _Particular to a Hair._

=Irate Major= (_to hairy Sub._). "WHEN NEXT YOU COME ON PARADE, SIR, HAVE THE GOODNESS TO LEAVE THOSE CONFOUNDED WEATHERCOCKS BEHIND YOU!"

Illustration: _Chronology._

='Bus-Driver.= "THEY TELL ME THERE'VE BEEN SOME COINS FOUND IN THESE 'ERE 'EXKYVATIONS THAT 'A BEEN BURIED THERE A MATTER O' FOUR OR FIVE 'UNDRED YEAR!!"

=Passenger Friend.= "OH, THAT'S NOTHIN'! WHY, THERE'S SOME IN THE BRI'SH MUSEUM--AH--MORE THAN TWO THOUSAND YEAR OLD!!"

='Bus-Driver= (_after a pause_). "COME, GEORGE, THAT WON'T DO, YER KNOW! 'CAUSE WE'RE ONLY IN EIGHT'N 'UNDRED AN' SIXTY-NINE NOW!!!"

Illustration: "_Bus-Measure._"

='Bus-Driver.= "NEVER SEE THE COMET?! WHY, WHEREVER COULD YOU 'A'----" (_Notices Shortness of "Ge'tleman's" hair, &c., and hesitates_). "HOWSOMEVER----"

=Passenger= (_relieving his embarrassment_). "WHEREABOUTS WAS IT?"

=Driver.= "WELL, I'LL TELL YER. IT WAS ABOUT THE LENGTH O' THIS YERE BUS FROM THE FORRARDEST LEADER IN THE GREAT BEAR!"

Illustration: Tricks upon Travellers.

=Bonsor= (_down upon little Stannery, who's a great boaster about his "Swell" acquaintance, and his extensive "Travel," and this year especially, down Palestine way_). "DID YOU SEE THE DARDANELLES?"

=Stannery.= "EH! THE--EH? OH, YE'--YES! JOLLY FELLARS AS EVER I MET! DINED WITH 'EM AT VIENNAH!"

_Little S. has left the Club._

Illustration: Quantity not Quality.

=Brown, Senior.= "WELL, FRED, WHAT DID YOU SEE DURING YOUR TRIP ABROAD?"

=Brown, Junior.= "AW--'PON M'WORD, 'DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAW 'XACTLY, 'ONLY KNOW I DID MORE BY THREE COUNTRIES, EIGHT TOWNS, AND FOUR MOUNTAINS, THAN SMITH DID IN THE SAME TIME!"

Illustration: "A Woman of Business."

=Husband= (_who has been on the Continent, and left his Wife some Blank Cheques_). "MY DEAR LOUISA, I FIND YOU HAVE CONSIDERABLY OVERDRAWN AT THE BANK!"

=Wife.= "O, NONSENSE, WILLY, HOW CAN THAT BE? WHY, I'VE TWO OF THOSE BLANK CHEQUES LEFT YET!!"

Illustration: "Reason in Woman."

=Young Wife.= "GEORGE, DEAR, I'VE HAD A TALK WITH THE SERVANTS THIS MORNING, AND I'VE AGREED TO RAISE THEIR WAGES. THEY SAID EVERYTHING WAS SO DEAR NOW--MEAT WAS SO HIGH, AND COALS HAD RISEN TO SUCH A PRICE, AND EVERYTHING----I THOUGHT THIS WAS REASONABLE, BECAUSE I'VE SO OFTEN HEARD YOU COMPLAIN OF THE SAME THING."

Illustration: "Our Failures."

=Husband.= "I SAY, LIZZIE, WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU MAKE THIS MINT-SAUCE OF?"

=Young Wife= (_who has been "helping" Cook_). "PARSLEY, TO BE SURE!"

Illustration: "_Where there's a Will there's a Way!_"

=Cook.= "PLEASE, 'M, I WISHES TO GIVE WARNING----"

=Mistress= (_surprised_). "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

=Cook.= "THE FACT IS, MUM, I'M GOING TO GET MARRIED!"

=Mistress.= "WHY, COOK, I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE ENGAGED!"

=Cook.= "WHICH I HAM NOT AZACTLY ENGAGED AS YET, MUM; BUT I FEELS MYSELF TO BE OF THAT 'APPY DISPOSITION AS I COULD LOVE HANY MAN, MUM!"

Illustration: "_Satisfactory!_"

=Mistress.= "WELL, JESSIE, I'M GOING INTO NAIRNE, AND WILL SEE YOUR MOTHER. CAN I GIVE HER ANY MESSAGE FROM YOU?"

=Jessie= (_her first "place"_). "OU, MEM, YE CAN JUST SAY I'M UNCO' WEEL PLEASED WI' YE!!"

Illustration: "_Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!_"

=Young Mistress= (_gravely; she had seen an affectionate parting at the garden-gate_). "I SEE YOU'VE GOT A YOUNG MAN, JANE!"

=Jane= (_apologetically_). "ONLY WALKED OUT WITH HIM ONCE, M'UM!"

=Mistress.= "O, BUT I THOUGHT I SAW--DIDN'T YOU--DIDN'T HE--TAKE A KISS, JANE?"

=Jane.= "O, M'M, ONLY AS A FRIEND, M'M!!"

Illustration: "_The Way we Build now._"

=Indignant Houseowner= (_he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your House_). "WH' WHAT'S THE--WHAT AM I!--WHA'--WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE IS THE MEANING OF THIS, MR. SCAMPLING!?"

=Local Builder.= "T' TUT, TUT! WELL, SIR, I 'SPECTS SOME ONE'S BEEN A-LEANIN' AGIN IT!!"

Illustration: "In the Long Run."

=Town Gent.= "NOW DO YOU FIND KEEPING POULTRY ANSWERS?"

=Country Gent= (_lately retired_). "O, 'ES, S'POSED TO ANSWER. Y' SEE THERE'S THE ORIGINAL COST OF THE FOWLS--'F COURSE THE FOOD GOES DOWN TO ME, Y' KNOW. WELL, THEN, I PURCHASE THE EGGS FROM THE CHILDREN, AND THEY EAT THEM!!!"

Illustration: Rather too Literal.

=Country Gentleman= (_in a rage_). "WHY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, YOU IDIOT! YOU'VE LET HIM DOWN, AND----"

=New Groom.= "YES, YER HONNER, YE TOULD ME TO BREAK HIM; AN' BRUK HE IS, KNEES AN' ALL, WORSE LUCK!"

Illustration: "Bon Voyage!"

=Mossu= (_shot into a nice soft loam_) _exultingly_. "A--HA--A! I AM SAFE O-VÈRE! NOW IT IS YOUR TURN, MEESTER TIMBRE JOMPRE! COME ON, SABE!"

Illustration: "Fiat Experimentum," &c.

=The Rector.= "GOOD MORNING, MRS. SMITHERS. HOW'S THE BABY? ISN'T IT RATHER EARLY TO BRING HIM TO CHURCH? DON'T YOU THINK HE'LL BE RESTLESS?"

=Mrs. Smithers.= "O, NO, SIR, HE'LL BE QUIET, SIR, WHICH WE TOOK HIM TO THE METHODIS' CHAPEL LAST SUNDAY O' PURPOSE TO TRY HIM, SIR!"

Illustration: Irreverent.

=Policeman= (_on the occasion of our "Confirmation"_). "STOP! STOP! GO BACK! YOU MUSTN'T COME IN HERE! WE'RE EXPECTIN' O' THE BISHOP EVERY MINUTE!"

=Cabby= (_fortissimo_). "ALL RIGHT! WHY'VE GOT THE OLD BUFFER INSIDE!"

Illustration: Wet and Dry.

=Careful Wife.= "ARE YOU VERY WET, DEAR?"

=Ardent Angler= (_turning up his flask_). "NO; DRY AS A LIME-KILN--HAVEN'T HAD A DROP THESE TWO HOURS!"

Illustration: "_Not so Fast!_"

=Old Gent.= (_soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glenmuchie_). "AH, WELL, THIS IS VERY JOLLY! WEALTH'S A GREAT BLESSING--NOT THAT I'M A RICH MAN--BUT AFTER THE TURMOIL AND WORRY OF BUSINESS, TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE TO THESE CHARMING SOLITUDES, THE SILENCE ONLY BROKEN BY THE GRATEFUL SOUNDS OF THE RIPPLING STREAM ('BURN,' I MEAN. AH! I NEARLY HAD HIM THEN!), AND THE HUM OF THE BEE! TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE LONDON AND ITS TIRESOME MILLIONS, AND FORGET ALL THE LOW----"

=Voice from the Bridge= (_the ubiquitous "'Arry"_). "COULD YER 'BLIGE US WITH A WORM, GOV'NOUR?"!!

Illustration: Banting in the Yeomanry.

=Troop-Sergeant Major.= "IT COMES TO THIS, CAPTAIN, 'A MUN E'THER HEV' A NEW JACKET OR KNOCK OFF ONE O' MY MEALS!"

Illustration: Something from the Provinces.

=Excursionist= (_politely_). "CAN YOU KINDLY DIRECT ME THE NEAREST WAY TO SLAGLEY?"

=Powerful Navvy.= "AH CAN POONCH TH' HEAD O' THEE!"

_Excursionist retires hastily._

Illustration: "Ways and Means."

=First Country Gentleman.= "'MEAN HUNTING THIS WINTER, CHARLIE?"

=Second Country Gentleman= (_doubtfully_). "'SHALL TRY AND 'WORK' IT."

=First Country Gentleman.= "HOW?"

=Second Country Gentleman.= "GIVE UP THE UNDER-NURSE, I THINK."

Illustration: Blank Firing.

=Ancient Sportsman= (_whose Sight is not what it used to be_). "PICK 'EM UP, JAMES, PICK 'EM UP! WHY DON'T YOU PICK 'EM UP?"

=Veteran Keeper.= "'CAUSE THERE BEAN'T ANY DOWN, MY LORD!"

CONTENTS.
PAGE

Adjustment 25

A Fortiori 110

Alarming 44

Alma Mater 50

Angling Extraordinary 81

Answer, a Soft 22

Anything for a Change 118

Appeal, a Final 37

Appearances 118

Arbiter Elegantiarum 35

Arcadian Amenities 56

Archery Meeting, the 76

Architecture (Irish) 123

Argumentum ad Hominem 21

Artful--Very! 57

Artist, Our 54

Art-School Conversazione, Our 119

As Well as can be Expected 46

Awkward! 75, 108

Badinage 146

Bagpipes and Classical Music 56

Banting in the Yeomanry 155

Bargain, Driving a 132

Barometrical 14

Beard Movement, the 106

Beauty, a Thing of 126

Benediction! a 133

Bereaved 96

Between two Shoeblacks
we fall, &c. 120

Bird Show, the 5

Birthday Dinner-Party,
Mrs. Frummage's 134

Blank Firing 155

Bon Voyage! 100, 152

Boon Companions 96

Boxing-Day 55

Boys, those Dreadful 80

Breaking the Ice 24, 156

Bric à Brac 144

Brother Brush 84

Brushing Pa's New Hat 136

Business! 69

" a Stroke of 135

Bus-Measure 147

By the Card 41

Candid 132

Canny 68, 122

Casual Acquaintance, a 43

Catechism under Difficulties 78

Cavalry Criticism 142

Chaff 31

Change for the Better, a , 65

Character, a Satisfactory 98

Chronology 147

Circumlocutory! 43

Civil Servants, H. M., What
they have to Endure 117

Civil Service Miseries 49

Club Law 94

Colloquial Equivalents 65

Commissariat, the 69

Comparisons 73

Compliment, a 47

Complimentary 39

Compliments of the Season 82, 85, 131

Compliments of the (Sketching) Season 84

Concert, the Morning 97

Conclusive 58

Confederate, a Treacherous 23

Confession 134

" in Confusion 18

Confidence, in 93

Connoisseur, the 16

Connoisseurs, the 60

Conscience, a Guilty 74

Conscience Clause, the 101

Considerate 52

Convalescent, the 74

Cool Card, a 97

Cricket 23

Criticism, Considerate 109

" Legitimate 127

Culture for the Working Classes 43

Cure, a Perfect 45

Curious 118

Customer, Bad 2

Dear, Dear Boy! 83

Decimals on Deck 13

Definition, a 70

Degenerate Son, a 25

Delicacy 40

Delicately Put 73

Depression 86

Desperate Case! 25, 100

Dignity 1, 102

Dilemma, a 20, 91, 138

Dinners, Little, How we
arrange our 58

Disaffection! 125

Dish, a New 53

Distinction, a 51

Distracting 47

District Visitor, Trials of a 127

Durance 3

Duty and Pleasure 69

Education! 23, 101

Embarrassing 50

Encouraging! 90, 145

Equal to the Situation 74

Exchange! 25