Chapter NINE: The Etiquette of Dinners and Balls

FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA

Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the
better classes of society almost without interruption from
earliest times. And “society,” like the potentate of the parable
whose touch transformed every object into gold, has embellished
and adorned the all-too-common habit of eating, until there has
been evolved throughout the ages that most charming and exquisite
product of human culture—the formal dinner party. The gentleman
of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and escorts into a
ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other celebrity,
is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for
having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of
spending his time.

But “before one runs, one must learn to walk”—and the joys of the
dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary
course of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow
when he discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was
causing humorous comment up and down the “board” and was drawing
upon himself the haughty glances of an outraged hostess. The
first requisite of success in dining out is the possession of a
complete set of correct table manners—and these, like anything
worth while, can be achieved only by patient study and daily
practise.

TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN

AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire
the technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best
possible place for the first lessons in dining-room behavior.
Children should be taught at an early age the fundamentals of
“table” manners in such a way that by the time they have reached
the years of manhood the correct use of knife, fork, spoon and
fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the parents
should remember, above everything else, to instruct their
children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his
lessons. This is the method which is employed today in every
successful school or “kindergarten”; this is the method which
really produces satisfactory results.

Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward
persists in bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar,
you should not punish or scold him; a much more effective and
graphic method of correcting this habit would be for you to
suddenly pick up the tadpole one day at luncheon and swallow it.
No whipping or scolding would so impress upon the growing boy the
importance of the fact that the dinner table is not the place for
pets.

Another effective way of teaching table manners to children
consists in making up attractive games about the various lessons
to be learned. Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the
children can play “Boner” which consists in watching the visitor
closely all during the meal in order to catch him in any
irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has
committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his
finger at him and shouts, “Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!” and
the boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of “Boners”
during the evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the
following table of points:

If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points. If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points. If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points. If the guest blows on soup, 5 points. If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points. If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points. If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point.

Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in
advance in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will
enter thoroughly into the spirit of this helpful sport.

A CHILD’S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE

Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted
to them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable
facts about the dinner table can be embodied in children’s
verses. A few of these which I can remember from my own happy
childhood are as follows:

Oh, wouldn’t it be jolly To be a nice _hors d’œuvre_ And just bring joy to people Whom fondest you were of.

Soup is eaten with a spoon But not to any haunting tune.

Oysters live down in the sea In zones both temp. and torrid, And when they are good they are very good indeed, And when they are bad they are horrid.

My papa makes a lovely Bronx With gin so rare and old, And two of them will set you right But four will knock you cold.

The boys with Polly will not frolic Because she’s eaten too much garlic. Mama said the other day, “A little goes a long, long way.”

A wind came up out of the sea And said, “Those dams are not for me.”

Uncle Frank choked on a bone From eating shad _au gratin_ Aunt Ethel said it served him right And went back to her flat in NEWARK (spoken) Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted)

I love my little finger bowl So full of late filet of sole.

Cousin George at lunch one day Remarked, “That apple looks quite tasty. Now George a dentist’s bill must pay Because he was so very hasty. The proverb’s teachings we must hold “All that glitters is not gold.” And mama said to George, “Oh, shoot, You’ve gone and ruined my glass fruit.”

Jim broke bread into his soup, Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop. Kate drank from her finger bowl, Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal. Children who perform such tricks Are socially in Class G-6.

ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL

Of course, as the children become older, the instruction should
gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the
youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and
intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested
that the teachings during this period may be successfully
combined with the young gentleman’s or lady’s other schoolroom
studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the instruction
might be handled in somewhat the following manner:

_A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade)_

_A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He
swims for five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and
for three minutes at the rate of four miles per hour. He then
reaches the other bank, where he sees a young lady five feet ten
inches tall, walking around a tree, in a circle the circumference
of which is forty-two yards._

_A. What is the diameter of the circle?
B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream?
C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current
in the stream?
D. At what point does the swimmer actually land?
E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on?_

And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first
formal dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the
fundamentals of correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But,
as in every sport or profession, there are certain
refinements—certain niceties which come only after long
experience—and it is with a view of helping the ambitious
diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest
that he study carefully the following “unwritten laws” which
govern every dinner party.

In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the
menu which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes
a habit of saying “Squab, you know, never agrees with me—I wonder
if I might have a couple of poached eggs,” is apt to find that
such squeamishness does not pay in the long run.

Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this
sort. I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is
out of place, but such “stunts” as pulling the hostess’ chair out
from under her—or gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor
under the table and shouting “Guess who?”—are decidedly among the
“non-ests” of correct modern dinner-table behaviour.

Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain
or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it
was considered correct for a young man who could do card or other
tricks to add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill,
but that time is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make
a “hit” by pulling a live rabbit or a potted plant from the back
of the mystified hostess or one of the butlers, is in reality
only making a “fool” of himself if he only knew it. The same
“taboo” also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no
hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation
to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by
balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a
lighted candle. “Cleverness” is a valuable asset but only up to a
certain point, and I know of one unfortunately “clever” young
chap who almost completely ruined a promising social career by
the unexpected failure of one of his pet juggling tricks and the
consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed potatoes on the head
of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. Besides,
people almost always distrust “clever” persons.

It does not “do,” either, to “ride your hobby” at a dinner party,
and the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism
of young Freddie H——, a New York clubman of some years ago (now
happily deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who
had developed a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a
mania, very nearly ruined a dinner party given by a prominent
Boston society matron by attempting to shoot the whiskers off a
certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a direct descendant
of John Smith and Priscilla Alden.

It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical
gifts—such as the ability to wriggle one’s ears or do the
“splits”—is in itself no “open sesame” to lasting social success.
“Slow and sure” is a good rule for the young man to follow, and
although he may somewhat enviously watch his more brilliant
colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their ability to
throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water through a hole in
their front teeth, yet he may console himself with the thought
that “the race is not always to the swift” and that “Rome was not
built in a day.” The gifts of this world have been distributed
fairly equally, and you may be sure that the young girl who has
been born a ventriloquist very likely is totally unable to spell
difficult words correctly or carry even a simple tune.
Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a form of
dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a
priceless accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby
cry under the hostess’s chair.

CONVERSATION AT DINNER

Gradually, however, conversation—real conversation—is coming into
its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young
man or lady who can keep the conversational “ball” rolling is
coming more and more into demand. Good conversationalists are, I
fear, born and not made—but by study and practise any ambitious
young man can probably acquire the technique, and, with time,
mould himself into the kind of person upon whom hostesses depend
for the success of their party. As an aid in this direction I
have prepared the following chart which I would advise all my
readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at
their next dinner party it can be readily consulted.

STEWART’S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION

This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under
each course is given what I call an “opening sentence,” together
with your partner’s probable reply and the topic which is then
introduced for discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each
such topic I have listed certain helpful facts which will enable
you to prolong the conversation along those lines until the
arrival of the next course, and the consequent opening of another
field for discussion. The chart follows:

I. _Cocktails._

You say to the partner on your right: “What terrible gin!” She
(he) replies: “Perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of:
Some Aspects of Alcohol. Helpful Facts:

1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven
minutes.

2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869.

3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces
internal disorders.

II. _Oysters._

You say to the partner on your right: “Think of being an oyster!”

She (he) replies: “How perfectly ghastly.”

This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters.

Helpful Facts:

1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours.

2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters.

3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783).

III. _Fish._

You say to the partner at your right: “Do you enjoy fish?”

She (he) replies: “I simply adore fish.”

This leads to a discussion of: Fish—Then, and Now.

Helpful Facts:

1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to
do many novel tricks.

2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer.

3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter.

IV. _Meat._

You say to the partner at your right: “Have you ever been through
the Stock-Yards?”

She (he) replies: “No.” (“Yes.”)

This leads to a discussion of: “The Meat Industry in America.”

Helpful Facts:

1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer
is killed in Chicago—and oftener.

2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two
years of age.

3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds.

4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago.

V. _Salad._

You say to the partner at your right: “What is your favorite
salad?”

She (he) replies: “I don’t know, what’s yours?”

This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things.

Helpful Facts:

1. Richard Barthelmess is married.

2. B. V. D. stands for “Best Value Delivered.”

3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars.

_VI. Dessert._

You say to the partner at your right: “I love ice cream.”

She (he) replies: “So do I.”

This leads to a discussion of: Love.

Helpful Facts:

1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in
America.

2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria.

3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard.

BALLS AND DANCES

In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the
ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or
lady of fashion must today be possessed of the following two
requisites: i. A “Line.” 2. A closed car. The latter of these
“sine qua nons” is now owned as a matter of course by most
families and is no longer regarded as a mark of distinction. The
former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is
nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good
memory can eventually acquire a quite effective “Line.” It is a
great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year
or more at one of our leading eastern universities or “finishing
schools.” These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it
does not pay to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who
would insist that the Princeton “Line” is more effective than the
Harvard ditto, or that the Westover “Line” flows more smoothly
than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say “De gustibus
non disputandum est.” “Lines” vary also in accordance with the
different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to
misquote a rather vulgar proverb) “What is one girl’s food may be
another girl’s poison.” Thus it happens that the “Line” which is
most universally and interminably employed by the “beautiful”
type of girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words
“How perfectly priceless”) would never in the world do for the
young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love for really
good books.

A Word of Warning and Encouragement _The above diagram (one of man), filling the instructive and refined pages of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _will serve as a model to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to achieve social eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence to the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the pace is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently guarantee complete success to those who, in reverence and faith, keep the final goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep the sacred flame burning and to pass the torch along from father to son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, or so long as they do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important in America, whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our “English cousins.”_

MIXED DANCING

Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor,
especially to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have
become largely a trick of keeping abreast of the latest “mode”
and while, personally, I greatly regret the passing of the
stately lancers and other dignified “round dances,” yet, if
“mixed dancing” has come to stay, it is the duty of every young
person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally
accepted manner, even though this often involves some
compromising of one’s _amour propre_.

But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really
great person—the true super man or woman of the ballroom—must be
possessed of that certain divine something, that _je ne sais
quoi_ ability to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the
most difficult situations, which has distinguished the great men
and women of all ages. Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had
it, Napoleon had it—and I venture to say that any of these three,
had they lived today, Would have been a social success. But
perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a typical
instance in the ballroom in which “When duty whispered low ‘Thou
must,’ the youth replied ‘I can.’”

HINTS FOR STAGS

Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has
been invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country
Club. It is your original intention, let us say, to attend as a
“stag,” but on the afternoon of the party you receive a note from
a young lady of your acquaintance asking if you would be so kind
as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a “sweet girl from
South Orange” who was in her class at college.

The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner
coat with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself
correctly, you should drive in your car to the young lady’s home.
There you are presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who
is six feet tall and has protruding teeth. After the customary
words of greeting and a few brief bits of pleasantry, you set off
with your partner for the dance.

Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in “full
swing,” and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you
should ask your partner if she would care to dance.

The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you
should politely murmur, “My fault.” But when she begins to sing
in your ear it is proper to steer her over toward the “stag line”
in order to petition for an injunction or a temporary restraining
order.

The “stag line” consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and
most hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one
roof. The original purpose of a “stag line” was to provide a
place where unattached young men might stand while searching for
a partner, but the institution has now come to be a form of
Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon the various
debutantes who pass before it.

After you have piloted your partner five times along the length
of this line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or
demerits, and, in this particular case, you have a pretty fair
idea as to just what the evening holds out for you. When the
music stops you should therefore lead the girl over to a chair
and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of punch.

Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your
steps toward the “stag line.” There you will find several young
men whom only as late as that afternoon you counted among your
very best friends, but who do not, at the present, seem to
remember ever having met you before. Seizing the arm of one of
these you say, “Tom, I want you to meet——” That is as far as you
will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by remarking,
“Excuse me a minute, Ed—, I see a girl over there I’ve simply got
to speak to. I’ll come right back.”

He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And
after you have met with the same response from four other
so-called friends, you should return to the South Orange visitor
and “carry on.”

At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to
clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for
future ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the
slough of despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness. And when the music has once more
ceased, you should ask your partner if she would not care to take
a jaunt in the open air.

“I know a lovely walk,” you should say, “across a quaint old
bridge.”

The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint
old bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet
deep, you should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and
push her, not too roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge.

And, if you are really a genius, and not merely “one of the
crowd” you will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young
lady who was responsible for your having met the sweet girl from
South Orange, you will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly.

“I know a lovely walk,” you will say, “across a quaint old
bridge.”