Chapter THREE: The Etiquette of Travel

The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has
undergone several important changes with the advent of
“democracy” and the “mechanical age.” Time was when travel was
indulged in only by the better classes of society and the rules
of travellers’ etiquette were well defined and acknowledged by
all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought the “mountain to
Mahomet”; the “iron horse” and the “Pullman coach” have, I
believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and
manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel
correctly. Truly, the “old order changeth” and it is, perhaps,
only proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of
the word), “abreast” of the times.

HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN

Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of
established social position in one of the many cities of our
great middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home
to New York City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions
of that metropolis of which I need perhaps only mention the
Aquarium or Grant’s Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are many
ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via “rail”;
it should be your first duty to select one of these methods of
transportation. Walking to New York (“a” above) is often rejected
because of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly
true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle west
one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one’s journey.
The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for
long distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many
rules for correct behavior among pedestrians.

In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young
lady, either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the
sidewalk. A young “miss” who persists in walking in the gutters
is more apt to lose than to make friends among the socially
“worth while.”

Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking
after dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks.

It is not _au fait_ for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress
to “catch on behind” passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time
and energy saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be
driven thus past other members of one’s particular social “set.”

Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to
gentlemen unless they have been previously introduced or are out
of work with winter coming on.

A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young
woman whom he has not met socially, removes his hat politely,
bows and passes on, unless she looks awfully good.

Débutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America;
in the Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of
aristocratic court life, this custom is reversed.

A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping
accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk,
removes his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible.

It is never correct for young people of either “sex” to push
older ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or
street cars.

A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange
lady, should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an
introduction can be arranged; the person driving the car usually
speaks first.

An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab
driven by someone in her own “set,” usually says “Why the hell
don’t you look where you’re going?” to which the taxi driver,
removing his hat, replies “Why the hell don’t _you?_”

A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets
of a city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2),
socks (2), undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest,
coat and hat. For pedestrians of the “opposite” sex the costume
is practically the same with the exception of the socks,
trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and coat. However, many
women now affect “knickerbockers” and _vice versa_.

A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not
talk or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. “Capers” (e. g.
climbing trees, etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly
fashionable in certain “speedy” circles, are of questionable
taste for ladies, especially if indulged in to excess or while
walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is sport, and
no one loves a stiff game of “fives” or “rounders” more than I,
but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort
hanging by their limbs on the Lord’s Day from the second or third
cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying
things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of “golf”
and lawn “tennis.”

A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball
or the opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are
both in evening dress and have a long distance to go. It is never
incorrect to suggest the use of a street car, or as one gets near
the Opera House, a carriage or a “taxicab.”

A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar,
always gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his
wife or his sister.

So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give
here all the rules for those who “go afoot” and I can only say
that the safest principle for correct behavior in this, as in
many social matters, is the now famous reply Thomas Edison once
made to the stranger who asked him with what he mixed his paints
in order to get such marvellous effects. “One part inspiration,”
replied the great inventor, “and NINE parts perspiration.” In
other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of “genius” as of
steady application to small details.

TRAVELLING BY RAIL

In America much of the travelling is done by “rail.” The
etiquette of railroad behavior is extremely complicated,
especially if one is forced to spend the night _en route_ (on the
way) and many and ludicrous are the mistakes made by those whose
social training has apparently fitted them more for a freight car
than for an up-to-date “parlor” or “Pullman” coach.

GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR

Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms
of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street
or “tram” car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of
all our larger cities. The rules governing behavior on these
vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one
has learned the “ropes,” as they say in the Navy, one should have
no difficulty.

An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to
take a street car, should always stand directly under a large
sign marked “Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner.” As the car
approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and
signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car
whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark
“Well I’ll be God damned!” and return to the curbstone. After
this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she
should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner,
across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of
the next “tram” will see her lying there and will be gentleman
enough to stop his car.

When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the
street and stand outside the door marked “Exit Only” until the
motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark,
“I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped,” to which
the motorman will reply, “But, lady, that sign there says they
don’t stop on this corner.” The lady should then say “What’s your
number—I’m going to report you.”

After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite
end of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant
seats; instead of taking one of these she should stand up in
front of some young man and glare at him until he gets up and
gives her his place.

It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank
gentlemen who provide them with seats.

After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and
ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.”
She should then turn to the man on her left and ask “Does this
car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” Her next
question—“Does this car go to Madison Heights?”—should be
addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be “No.”
She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out
the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” she should
ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will
reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout
“Blawmnoo!” at which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?”
Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will
proceed, the conductor will now call “Blawmnoo!” and as the
elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison Heights?” the man
at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and
eight other male passengers will shout “YES!”

It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully
waiting until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she
should cry “Wait a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The
car will then be stopped and she should say “Is this Madison
Heights?” to which the conductor will reply “This ain’t the
Madison Heights car, lady.” She should then say “But you called
out Madison Heights,” to which he will answer “No, lady—that’s
eight miles in the opposite direction.” She should then leave the
street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor’s
number again.

The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only
to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be
in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for
example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket
or small “change” so securely buried in the fourth inside
pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside
of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding
together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until
the conductor has gone stark raving mad.

Hints on Homely Young Ladies at a Dance _Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a provincial and it is not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and half audible chuckles follow her about the room._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned dud—even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any other method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a train. He will be within his rights when, at the end of five minutes, after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her until she drowns._

The Law of Reprisal in Etiquette _They are leaving the home of an intimate friend of several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. Both feel that some return should be made for their hostess’s kindness but neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. The Book of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have pointed out to them that the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale._

IN THE SUBWAY

The rules governing correct behavior in the underground “subway”
systems of our great cities (particularly the New York subways)
are, however, much more simple and elemental than the etiquette
for surface cars. In the subway, for example, if you are a
married man and living with your wife, or head of a family, i.
e., a person who actually supports one or more persons living in
(or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the
preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons
shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday
then on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves)
have filed a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you
should precede a lady when entering, and follow a lady when
leaving, the train.

A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY

On the other hand, a wedding or a “honeymoon” trip in a subway
brings up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely
different from the above. Let us suppose, for example, that the
wedding takes place at high noon in exclusive old “Trinity”
church, New York. The nearest subway is of course the
“Interborough” (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the
lucky couple can run poste haste to the “Battery” and board a
Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should
change at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz
them past 18th St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania
Station where they can again transfer, this time to a Broadway
Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they will be at Times
Square, the heart of the “Great White Way” (that Mecca of
pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either
change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to
historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the
busy little “shuttle” which will hurry them over to the Grand
Central Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side
Subway, either “up” or “down” town. The trip “up town” (Lexington
Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class residential
districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps more
interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St.,
Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial
center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the East
River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without
getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from
one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they
have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the
Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a
few cents apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will
gladly carry them to a thousand new and interesting places—a
veritable Aladdin’s lamp on rails.

TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM

And now we come to that most complex form of travel—the railroad
journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New
York you have elected to go on the “train.” On the day of your
departure you should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking
care to strap and lock it securely. You can then immediately
unstrap and unlock it in order to put in the tooth paste and
shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the bathroom.

Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the
train to depart you will find that because of “daylight saving
time” you have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be
amusingly and economically spent in the station as follows: 11
weighing machines @.01 =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1
weighing machine (out of order).09; 17 slot machines (chocolate
and gum) @.01 =.17. Total cost—.50, unless, of course, you eat
the chocolate.

Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find
that you have “lower 9” in car 43. Walking back to the end of the
train and entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a
tired woman and two small children. You will also find a hat box,
a bird cage, a bag of oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a
shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy balloon, half a “cookie” and
8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then say to you “Are you
the gentleman who has the lower berth?” to which you answer
“Yes.” She will then say “Well say—we’ve got the upper—and I
wonder if you would mind—” “Not at, all,” you reply, “I should be
only too glad to give you my lower.” This is always done.

After you have seated yourself and the train has started the
lady’s little boy will announce, “I want a drink, Mama.” After he
has repeated this eleven times his mother will say to you “I
wonder if you would mind holding the baby while I take Elmer to
get a drink?”

The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for
bachelors to master at first as there are no hard and fast rules
governing conduct under these circumstances. An easy “hold” for
beginners and one which is difficult for the ordinary baby to
break consists in wrapping the left and right arms firmly around
the center of the child, at the same time clutching the clothing
with the right hand and the toes with the left and praying to God
that the damn thing won’t drop.

In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone
down the aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will
at once begin to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially
those mothers who have had children, a baby does not cry without
some specific reason and all that is necessary in the present
instance is to discover this reason. First of all, the child may
be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask the porter
to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go
over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out
and explain such names as he may not understand. “How would you
like some nice assorted hors d’œuvres?” you say. “Waaaaa!” says
the baby. “No hors d’œuvres,” you say to the waiter. “Some blue
points, perhaps—you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?” You might even act out
a blue point or two, as in charades, so that the child will
understand what you mean. In case, however, the baby does not
cease crying after having eaten the first three or four courses,
you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for probably it
is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a
pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the
discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally
accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large
electro-magnet over every portion of the child’s anatomy and the
pin (if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then,
too, many small children cry merely because they have swallowed
something which does not agree with them, such as, for example, a
gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case consists in
_immediately_ feeding the child the proper counter irritant.
There is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising
of children and with a few common sense principles, such as
presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a great deal
of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression
here, but I feel very strongly that “today’s babies are
tomorrow’s citizens” and I do want to see them brought up in the
proper way.

But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and
Elmer will have returned and you will be relieved of further
investigation as to the cause of the infant’s discomfort. A few
minutes later, however, little Elmer will say “Mama, I want the
window open.” This request will be duly referred to you via the
line of authority. It is then your duty to assume a firm upright
stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, and work
for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle
to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty
seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the
train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with
coal smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should
seize little Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and
make your escape to the gentlemen’s smoking compartment in the
rear of your car.

In the “smoker” you will find three men. The first of these will
be saying “and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned
up a thousand dollars a week since January.” The second will say
“Well down where I come from there’s men who never took a drink
before prohibition who get drunk all the time now.” The third
will say “Well, I tell you, men—the saloon had to go.”

Provision for satisfying the “inner man” is now a regular part of
the equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you
should leave your companions in the “smoker” and walk through the
train until you reach the “diner.” Here you will seat yourself at
a table with three other gentlemen, the first of whom will be
remarking, as you sit down, “and I know for a fact that this
bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars a year.”

A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN

Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well
travel over night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible
for the traveller to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug
and comfortable as the proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after
dinner the porter will “make up” the berths in the car and when
you desire to retire for the night you should ask him to bring
you the ladder in order that you may ascend to upper 9. While you
are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove your coat,
vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase which
you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach
under berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position
the train will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth
number 12. A woman’s voice will then say “Alice?” to which you
should of course answer “No” and climb quickly up the ladder into
your proper berth.

A great deal of “to do” is often made of the difficulty involved
in undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite
uncalled for. Experienced travellers now generally wait until the
lights of the car have been dimmed or extinguished when the
disrobing can be done quite simply in five counts, as follows:
_One_—unloosen all clothing and lie flat on the back. The
respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. The
muscles should be relaxed; _Two_—pivoting on the back of the head
and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of
the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring;
_Three_—spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left),
catching the bell cord (which extends along the roof of the
train) with the teeth, hands and feet; _Four_—holding firmly to
the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the
head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and
undershirt have dropped off into the aisle; _Five_—taking a firm
hold on the cord with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees.
The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, and you can (and,
in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into your berth
and pajamas.

Once inside your “bunk” you should drift quickly off to
slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later
and the————engineer will be trying to see what he can do with an
air brake and a few steel sleeping cars.

In the morning you will be in New York.