Chapter XI: Act II

_Office in the house of BOLSHÓV. Rear centre a door; on the left a staircase leading to the floor above._

SCENE I

TISHKA _near the front of the stage, with a brush_

TISHKA. What a life, what a life! Sweep the floors before daylight! And is it my business to sweep floors? Things aren't the same here as with decent folks. Now if the other bosses have a boy, he lives with the boys; that is, he hangs around the shop. But with me it's now here, now there, tramp the pavement all day as if you were crazy. You'll soon feather your nest--I don't think! Decent people keep a porter for running around; but at our place he lies on the stove with the kittens, or he hangs around with the cook; but _you're_ in demand. At other people's it's easy-going; if you get into mischief now and then, they make allowances for your youth. But at our house--if it isn't he, then it's somebody else; either the old man or the old woman will give you a hiding; otherwise there's the clerk Lázar, or there's Fomínishna, or there's--any old rascal can lord it over you. What a cursed life it is! But if you want to tear yourself away from the house and go somewhere with friends to play three-card monte, or have a game of handball--don't think of such a thing! Now, really, there's something feels wrong in my head. [_He climbs upon a chair on his knees and looks in the mirror_] How do you do, Tikhon Savostyánovich! How are you getting along? Are you all top notch? Now, then, Tishka, just do a stunt. [_He makes a grimace_] That's what! [_Another_] Exactly like----

[_He bursts out laughing_.

SCENE II

TISHKA _and_ PODKHALYÚZIN, _who steals in and seizes him by the collar_.

PODKHALYÚZIN. What are you doing there, you little imp?

TISHKA. What? You know what! I was wiping off dust!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Were you wiping it off with your tongue? As if you could find any dust on the mirror! I'll show you some dust! You're showing off! I'll just warm up the nape of your neck so you'll know it.

TISHKA. Know what? Now what have I done?

PODKHALYÚZIN. What have you done? What have you done? Say another word and you'll find out what! Just let out a peep!

TISHKA. Yes, a peep! I'm going to tell the boss, and then you'll catch it!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Going to tell the boss! What's your boss to me? Why, if it came to that--what's your boss to me!--Why, you're just a kid that has to be taught; what were you thinking of? If we didn't wallop you imps there'd be no good come of you. That's the regular way of doing things. I, myself, my boy, have come through fire, water, and copper pipes.

TISHKA. I know you did.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Shhh--you little devil! [_Threatening him_.

TISHKA. Ha, just try it! I'll sure tell, honest to goodness I will.

PODKHALYÚZIN. What are you going to tell, you devil's pepper-pot?

TISHKA. What'll I say? Why, that you scold!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Great impression that'll make! You're quite a gentleman! Come here, sir! Has Sysóy Psoich been here?

TISHKA. He sure has.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Talk sense, you little devil! Was he going to come again?

TISHKA. He was that!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, you can run along, now.

TISHKA. Do you want any vodka?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes, I do. I'll have to treat Sysóy Psoich. [_He gives money_] Buy a bottle, but you keep the change for gingerbread. But see that you hurry, so they don't miss you here!

TISHKA. I'll be home before a short-haired girl can twist her braids. Off I go, hippity-hop.

SCENE III

PODKHALYÚZIN _alone_

PODKHALYÚZIN. What a misfortune! Here's where a misfortune has come upon us! What's to be done now? Well, it's a bad business. Now we can't avoid declaring ourselves bankrupt. Well, suppose the boss should have something left over; but where do I come in? What shall I do with myself? Sell junk in the second-hand market! I've worked, I've worked about twenty years, and then to be sent rambling! Now, how am I going to settle this matter? Perhaps with merchandise? Here, he said to sell the notes. [_He draws them out and reads them_] It must be that it's going to be possible to profit by it. [_He walks about the room_] They say a fellow ought to know what conscience is. Well, of course he ought to; but in what sense must he understand that? Everybody has conscience where a good man is concerned; but when the man himself is cheating others, then where does your conscience come in? Samsón Sílych is a very rich merchant, and has hatched up this whole business now just to kill time, so to speak. But I'm a poor man! If I should make a little extra profit in this business--then there can't be any sin in it; because he himself is acting dishonorably, and going against the law. And why should I pity him? The course is clear; well, don't slip up on it: he follows his politics, and you look out for your interest. I'd have seen the thing through with him, but I don't feel like it. Hm!--What day-dreams will come into a man's head! Of course, Olimpiáda Samsónovna is a cultivated young lady; and it must be said, there're none on earth like her; but of course that suitor won't take her now; he'll say, "Give me money!" But where are you going to get money? And now she can't marry a nobleman because she hasn't any money. Sooner or later they'll have to marry her to a merchant. [_He walks on in silence_] I'll raise the dough, and bow to Samsón Sílych. "Samsón Sílych," says I, "I'm at an age when I must think about the continuance of posterity; and I, now, Samsón Sílych, haven't grudged my sweat and blood for your tranquillity. To be sure, now, Olimpiáda Samsónovna is a cultivated young lady; but I, Samsón Sílych, am no common trash; you can see for yourself, if you please. I have capital, and I'm a good manager in that line." Why shouldn't he give her to me? Ain't I a man? I haven't been detected in any knavery; I'm respectful to my elders. But in addition to all that, as Samsón Sílych has mortgaged his house and shops to me, I can frighten him with the mortgage. Knowing as I do the disposition of Samsón Sílych to be what it is, that may very easily happen. This is the way with his sort: once they get an idea into their head, you simply can't drive it out. It's just as when, three years ago, he wanted to shave his beard. No matter how much Agraféna Kondrátyevna begged and wept, "No," he said, "afterwards I'll let it grow again; but for the time being I'll have my own way." And he took and shaved it. It's the same way with this business; if I make a hit with him, or the idea strikes him all right--then it's sweet wedding-bells to-morrow, and that's all, and don't you dare argue! I could jump from the tower of Ivan the Great for the joy of it.

_Enter_ TISHKA _with the bottle._

SCENE IV

PODKHALYÚZIN _and_ TISHKA

TISHKA. [_Coming in with the bottle_] Here I am! I've come.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Listen, Tishka, is Ustinya Naúmovna here?

TISHKA. Up-stairs there. And the shyster's coming.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, put the vodka on the table, and bring some relishes.

TISHKA _puts down the vodka and brings relishes; then goes out._

SCENE V

PODKHALYÚZIN _and_ RISPOLÓZHENSKY

PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah, my respects to you, sir!

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Mine to you, my dear Lázar Elizárych, mine to you! Fine. I think, now, perhaps there's something I can do. Is that vodka, near you? I'll just take a thimbleful, Lázar Elizárych. My hands have begun to shake mornings, especially the right one. When I go to write something, Lázar Elizárych, I have to hold it with my left. I swear I do. But take a sip of vodka, and it seems to do it good. [_Drinks._

PODKHALYÚZIN. Why do your hands shake?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. [_Sits down by the table_] From anxiety, Lázar Elizárych; from anxiety, my boy.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Indeed, sir! But I suppose it's because you're plundering people overmuch. God is punishing you for your unrighteousness.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He, he, he!--Lázar Elizárych! How could I plunder anybody? My business is of a small sort. I'm like a little bird, picking up small grains.

PODKHALYÚZIN. You deal in small quantities, of course?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. You'd deal even in small quantities if you couldn't get anything else. Well, it wouldn't matter so much if I were alone; but, you see, I have a wife and four kiddies. They all want to eat, the little dears. One says, "Daddy, give me!" Another says, "Daddy, give me!" And I'm a man who feels strongly for his family. Here I entered one boy in the high school; he has to have a uniform, and then something else. And what's to become of the old shack?--Why, how much shoe-leather you wear out simply walking from Butírky to the Voskresénsky Gates.

PODKHALYÚZIN. That's right, sir.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. And why do you make the trip? You write a little petition for one man, you register somebody else in the citizen class. Some days you'll not bring home half a ruble in silver. I vow, I'm not lying! Then what're you going to live on? Lázar Elizárych, I'll just take a thimbleful. [_Drinks_] "So," I think, "I'll just drop in on Lázar Elizárych; perhaps he'll spare me a little change."

PODKHALYÚZIN. For what sort of knavery, sir?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What do you mean by knavery! Come, that's a sin, Lázar Elizárych! Don't I serve you? I'm your servant till the grave; command me what you want. And I fixed up the mortgage for you!

PODKHALYÚZIN. See here, you've been paid! And it's not your business to keep harping on the same string!

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Just so, Lázar Elizárych, I've been paid. Just so! Ah, Lázar Elizárych, poverty has crushed me!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Poverty crushed you! Oh, that happens, sir. [_He approaches and sits down by the table_] Well, sir, I have a little extra money; I've no place to put it. [_Lays his pocketbook on the table_.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What, you, Lázar Elizárych? Extra money? I'm afraid you're joking.

PODKHALYÚZIN. All joking aside, sir.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, if you have a little extra money, why not help a poor man? God'll reward you for it.

PODKHALYÚZIN. But d'you need much?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Give me just three rubles.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Is that all, sir?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, give me five.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, ask more!

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, then, if you'll be so good, give me ten.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Ten, sir! What, for nothing?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Indeed not! I'll work it off, Lázar Elizárych; we'll be quits sometime or other.

PODKHALYÚZIN. That's all talk, sir. The snail keeps going, and sometime she'll get there! But here's the little business I want to put up to you now: did Samsón Sílych promise you much for fixing up this scheme?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. I'm ashamed to tell you, Lázar Elizárych! A thousand rubles and an old coon-skin overcoat. No one will accept less than I, by heavens; just go and inquire prices.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, here's what, Sysóy Psoich; I'll give you two thousand for that identical business, sir.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Oh, Lázar Elizárych, my benefactor! I and my wife and children'll be your slaves!

PODKHALYÚZIN. One hundred in silver, spot cash; but the rest later upon the completion of the whole business, sir!

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Now, then, how can one help praying for people like you! Only a kind of ignorant swine could fail to feel that. I bow down to your feet, Lázar Elizárych!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Really now, what for, sir? Only, Sysóy Psoich, don't run about like a chicken with its head cut off, but go in for accuracy--straight to the point, and walk the line. Do you understand, sir?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How can I help understanding? Why, Lázar Elizárych, do you think I'm still a boy? It's time I understood!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes, but what do you understand? Here's the way things are, sir. Just listen first. Samsón Sílych and I came to town, and we brought along the list as was proper. Then he went to the creditors: this one didn't agree, that one didn't agree; that's the way, and not a single one will take up the proposition. That's the way the affair stands.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What's that you say, Lázar Elizárych? Oh! Just think of it, what a gang.

PODKHALYÚZIN. And how are we going to make a good thing out of this business now? Do you understand me, or not?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. That is, the insolvency, Lázar Elizárych?

PODKHALYÚZIN. The insolvency will take care of itself; but I mean my own business affairs.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He, he, he!--That is, the house and the shops--even--the house--he, he, he!----

PODKHALYÚZIN. What's the matter, sir?

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, sir; that's just my foolishness; I was just joking.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Fine jokes, indeed! Don't you joke about that, sir. The house is nothing; I have such a dream in my head now about that subject, that I must talk it over with you at length. Just come to my room, sir. Tishka!

SCENE VI

_The same and_ TISHKA

PODKHALYÚZIN. Put all this in order! Well, let's go, Sysóy Psoich!

TISHKA _is about to carry away the vodka_.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Wait, wait! Eh, my boy, what an idiot you are! If you see that a fellow wants to drink, just wait a bit. You just wait a bit. You're young yet, but you just be polite and condescending. Lázar Elizárych, I'll just take a thimbleful.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Help yourself, only hurry up; I'm afraid _he'll_ come.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Right away, my dear Lázar Elizárych, right away! [_Drinks and smacks his lips_] But it would be better to take it with us. [_They go out_.

TISHKA _arranges something or other; from above descend_ USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA _and_ FOMÍNISHNA. TISHKA _goes out_.

FOMÍNISHNA. Now do fix it up for her, Ustinya Naúmovna! You see the girl is all worked up; and, indeed, it's time, my dear. Youth isn't a bottomless kettle, and they say it gets empty. I can say that from my own experience. I got married when I was thirteen; but in another month she'll have passed her nineteenth year. Why let her pine away for nothing? Others of her age have long since borne children. And so, my dear, why let her pine away?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I keep thinking about that myself, my jewel; but the thing isn't held up on my account; I have a whole pack of suitors, all right. But, confound it, she and her mother are mighty particular.

FOMÍNISHNA. Why should they be particular? Well, the chief thing is that they should be fresh-complexioned people, not bald, and not smell bad; and then anything'll pass, so it's a man!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. [_Sitting down_] Sit down a minute, my jewel. I have worn myself out the livelong day; from early morning I've been tearing around like a wet hen. But, you see, I couldn't neglect anything; I'm an indispensable person everywhere. Naturally, my jewel, every person is a human being: a man needs a wife, a girl a husband; give it to them if you have to rob the cradle; then here and there there's a genuine wedding. And who fixes them up? Why, I do. Ustinya Naúmovna has to bear the burden for all of them. And why does she have to? Because that's the way things are; from the beginning of the world, that's the way the wheel was wound up. However, to tell the truth, they don't cheat me for my trouble: one gives me the material for a dress, another a fringed shawl, another makes up a cap for you, and here and there you'll get a gold piece, and here and there something better--just what the job deserves and they're able to pay.

FOMÍNISHNA. What's the use of talking, my dear; what's the use of talking!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Sit down, Fomínishna; your legs are old and rickety.

FOMÍNISHNA. Eh! Haven't time, my dear! You see, it's just awful; because _he_ doesn't come home we're all scared to death: he may come home drunk at any time. And then what a bad one, good Lord! Then what a row he'll kick up.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Naturally; a rich peasant is worse than the devil to talk to.

FOMÍNISHNA. We've seen him do terrible things. One night last week he came home drunk. He tore around, and what a row! It was simply awful; he smashed the china--"Ooo!" he said, "I'll kill the whole crowd of you at once!"

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Vulgarity!

FOMÍNISHNA. That's the truth, my dear. But I'll just run up-stairs, darling--Agraféna Kondrátyevna is alone in my room. When you're going home, come back to me; I'll tie up a bit of ham for you. [_She mounts the stairs_.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I'll follow, my jewel, I'll follow.

PODKHALYÚZIN _enters_.

SCENE VII

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA _and_ PODKHALYÚZIN

PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah! Ustinya Naúmovna! It's been ages since I've seen you, ma'am.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. How are you, dear soul! How've you been?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, able to be around, ma'am.

[_He sits down_.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I'll capture a little mamzelle for you if you want me to. PODKHALYÚZIN. Thank you kindly--I don't need one yet.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. If you don't want one yourself, my jewel, I'll do a good turn for your friends. I suppose you have friends around town, a whole pack.

PODKHALYÚZIN. I have quite a few, ma'am.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, if you have, thank the Lord! If you know of a marriageable man, whether he's a bachelor, unmarried, or a widower--drag him straight to me.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Will you find him a wife?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I will. Why shouldn't I find him a wife? I'll do it in a jiffy.

PODKHALYÚZIN. That's very fine, ma'am, But now I ask you, Ustinya Naúmovna, why do you come here to us so confoundedly often?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's that to you? Why shouldn't I come? I'm no thief, no sheep without a name. What do you mean by that question?

PODKHALYÚZIN. But, really, aren't you wasting your time coming?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Wasting my time? Where did you get that idea, my jewel? Just see here, what sort of a husband I've found: an aristocrat, has peasants, and a fine young man.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Why has the thing come to a halt, ma'am?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. It hasn't come to a halt! He wanted to come to-morrow to get acquainted. So we'll hitch him up, and it'll all be over.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Hitch him up, try it--he'll give you the slip.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the matter, are you in your right mind, my jewel?

PODKHALYÚZIN. You'll see!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. May I die before to-night, but you're either drunk, my jewel, or you've wandered clean out of your head.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Be so good as not to trouble yourself about that; you look out for yourself; but I know what I know.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, what do you know?

PODKHALYÚZIN. No matter what I know, ma'am.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. If you know something, tell me what it is: I suppose your tongue won't fall off.

PODKHALYÚZIN. That's the point of the thing--that I can't tell it.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why can't you? Why do you hesitate to tell me, my jewel? Go ahead, talk--it doesn't matter what it is.

PODKHALYÚZIN. It's not a matter of conscience. But if I tell you, of course you'll go and blab!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Curst if I do! You may chop off my hand!

PODKHALYÚZIN. That's it, ma'am; a promise is better than money.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Of course. Well, what do you know?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Here's what, Ustinya Naúmovna: isn't it possible to throw over that suitor you've found, ma'am?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the matter with you; are you gone daft?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Gone daft nothing, ma'am! But if you want to have a heart-to-heart talk, honor bright, ma'am; then here's the sort of thing it is, ma'am: at my house there's a certain Russian merchant I know, who is very much in love with Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am. "No matter what I have to give," says he, "so long as I get married," says he; "I shan't grudge any sum."

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why didn't you tell me about that before, my jewel?

PODKHALYÚZIN. There was nothing to tell for the good reason that I only just now found out about it, ma'am.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But it's late now, my jewel!

PODKHALYÚZIN. And what a suitor he is, Ustinya Naúmovna! He'll shower you with gold from head to foot, ma'am; he'll have a cloak made for you out of live sables.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But, my dear, it's impossible! I'd be tickled to death, but I've given my word.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Just as you please, ma'am! But if you betroth her to the other fellow, you'll bring such bad luck upon yourself, that you'll not get clear afterwards!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But just consider yourself, how'll I have the nerve to show my face before Samsón Sílych? I gave it to him hot and heavy: that the fellow is rich, and handsome, and so much in love that he is half dead; and now what'll I say? You know yourself what a fellow Samsón Sílych is; you see he'll pull my cap over my ears before you know it.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Pull your cap nothing, ma'am!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. And I've got the girl all worked up. Twice a day she sends to me and asks: "What's the matter with my suitor?" and, "What's he like?"

PODKHALYÚZIN. But don't you run away from your own good fortune, Ustinya Naúmovna. Do you want two thousand rubles and a sable cloak for merely arranging this wedding, ma'am? But let our understanding about the match be private. I tell you, ma'am, that this suitor's such a sort as you've never seen; there's only one thing, ma'am: he's not of aristocratic origin.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But is she an aristocrat? Pity if she is, my jewel! That's the way things go these days: every peasant girl is trying to worm her way into the nobility.--Now, although this here Olimpiáda Samsónovna--of course, God give her good health--gives presents like a princess, yet, believe me, her origin's no better than ours. Her father, Samsón Sílych, dealt in leather mittens on the Balchug; respectable people called him Sammy, and fed him with thumps behind the ears. And her mother, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, was little more than a peasant girl, and he got her from Preobrazhénskoye. They got together some capital, climbed into the merchant class--so the daughter has her eye peeled for the title of princess. And all that through money. How much worse am I than she? Yet I have to trot at her heels. God knows what kind of bringing-up she's had: she walks like an elephant crawls on his belly; whether French or piano, it's a bit here and a bit there, and there's nothing to it; and when she starts to dance--I have to stuff a handkerchief in my mouth.

PODKHALYÚZIN. But, look here--it'd be more proper for her to marry a merchant.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But how'll I stand with the first suitor, my jewel? I've already assured him that Olimpiáda Samsónovna is such a beauty, that she's the real ticket for him; "and educated," I said, "in French, and is trained in all sorts of society ways." And now what am I going to say to him?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, just tell him also: "Now, she is a beauty, and cultivated in a good many ways; only they've lost all their money." And he'll break off himself!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, now, that's so, my jewel! But, no, wait! You see I told him that Samsón Sílych is rolling in money.

PODKHALYÚZIN. See here, you talk too much. But how do you know how much money Samsón Sílych has; you haven't counted it, have you?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Ask anybody you please; every one knows that Samsón Sílych is the richest sort of merchant.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes! Much you know! But what'll happen when, after you've engaged a man of standing, Samsón Sílych won't give any money? Afterwards the fellow'll come up and say, says he: "I'm no merchant, that you can cheat me out of the dowry!" Furthermore, like a man of standing he'll file a complaint at court, because a man of standing has his own way everywhere, ma'am; then Samsón Sílych and I'll be ruined, and there'll be no getting out of it for you. Here, you yourself know you can cheat anybody of our sort out of a dowry, that'll work; but just try to fool a man of standing, and you'll not get away with it afterwards.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. That's enough trying to scare me! You've muddled my head completely.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Here, take these hundred rubles in silver as earnest-money, and give us your hand on it, ma'am.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. And you say, my jewel, two thousand rubles and a sable cloak?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Exactly so, ma'am. Be at rest on that score!--And you'll put on that sable cloak, Ustinya Naúmovna, and you'll go out walking--why, anybody will think you're a general's wife.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Do you think so? Well, now, indeed! When I put on that sable cloak, I'll look my perkiest, with my hands by my sides; then your bearded friends will stare with their mouths wide open. They'll get to sighing so that you couldn't stop them with a fire engine; the women will all turn up their noses from jealousy.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Just so, ma'am!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Give me the earnest-money! Here goes!

PODKHALYÚZIN. But, Ustinya Naúmovna, you're doing this of your own free will; don't back out.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Back out, what for? Just look: two thousand rubles, and a sable cloak!

PODKHALYÚZIN. I tell you, we'll make it out of live sables. There's nothing more to be said.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, good-by, my emerald! I'll run off now to the suitor. We'll see each other to-morrow, and then I'll report to you.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Wait a minute! Where're you going! Just follow me--we'll just take a drink of vodka, ma'am. Tishka! Tishka! [_Enter_ TISHKA] You keep a lookout, and if you see the boss coming, run for me straight off.

[_They go out._

SCENE VIII

TISHKA _alone._

TISHKA. [_Sits down beside the table and takes some money out of his pocket_] Half a ruble in silver--that's what Lázar gave me to-day. And the other day, when I fell from the steeple, Agraféna Kondrátyevna gave me ten kopeks; I won twenty-five kopeks at heads and tails; and day before yesterday the boss forgot and left one whole ruble on the counter. Gee, here's money for you! [_He counts to himself. The voice of FOMÍNISHNA is heard behind the scene:_ "Tishka, oh, Tishka! How long have I got to call you?"] Now what's the matter there? ["Is Lázar at home?"]--He was, but he's sure gone now! ["Well, where has he sneaked to?"] How in the world should I know? He doesn't ask my leave. If he had, I'd know.

FOMÍNISHNA _comes down the stairs._

FOMÍNISHNA. You see Samsón Sílych has come, and seems to be tipsy.

TISHKA. Phew! We're goners!

FOMÍNISHNA. Run for Lázar, Tishka; there's a dear; run quick!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [_Appearing at the head of the stairs_] What's this, Fomínishna dear, where's he bound for?

FOMÍNISHNA. This way, I guess, my dear! Ah, I'll close the doors, good heavens, I'll close them; let him go up-stairs, but you stay here, my dear.

_A knock at the door, and the voice of_ SAMSÓN SÍLYCH:
"Hey! open up; who's there?" AGRAFÉNA
KONDRÁTYEVNA _disappears_.

FOMÍNISHNA. Come in, honey, come in and go to sleep; God bless you!

BOLSHÓV. [_Behind the door_] What's the matter with you, you old cripple; have you lost your wits?

FOMÍNISHNA. Ah, my dear boy! Ah, I'm a blind old granny. But, you see, I was fool enough, somehow, to think you'd come home tipsy. Forgive me, I've gotten deaf in my old age.

SAMSÓN SÍLYCH _comes in_.

SCENE IX

FOMÍNISHNA _and_ BOLSHÓV

BOLSHÓV. Has that shyster been cooking up any deviltry here?

FOMÍNISHNA. They've cooked cabbage soup with corned beef, and roast goose.

BOLSHÓV. Are you gone daft, you old fool?

FOMÍNISHNA. No, dear! I gave the order to the cook myself!

BOLSHÓV. Get out! [_He sits down_.

FOMÍNISHNA _goes to the door_; PODKHALYÚZIN _and_ TISHKA _come in_.

FOMÍNISHNA. [_Returning_] Ah, I'm a fool, a fool! Don't punish me for my bad memory. The cold roast sucking pig had entirely jumped out of my mind.

SCENE X

PODKHALYÚZIN, BOLSHÓV, _and_ TISHKA

BOLSHÓV. Go to the pigs yourself! [FOMÍNISHNA _goes out. To_ TISHKA] What are you gaping at? Haven't you anything to do?

PODKHALYÚZIN. [_To_ TISHKA] You've been spoken to, haven't you?

TISHKA _goes out_.

BOLSHÓV. Has the shyster been here?

PODKHALYÚZIN. He has, sir.

BOLSHÓV. Did you talk with him?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, Samsón Sílych? Does he have any feeling? Isn't his soul naturally nothing but ink, sir? He just thrums on one string--to declare yourself bankrupt.

BOLSHÓV. If I must declare myself bankrupt, I'll do it, and there's an end to it.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah, Samsón Sílych, what's that you're saying!

BOLSHÓV. What! pay out money? Where did you get that notion? I will rather burn everything in the fire, before I'll give them a kopek. Transfer the merchandise, sell the notes, let 'em pilfer, let anybody steal who wants to; but I'm not going to pay a kopek.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Pardon me, Samsón Sílych, we had the business all going fine; and now everything has to be thrown into confusion.

BOLSHÓV. What affair was it of yours? It ain't yours. You just work hard--I'll not forget you.

PODKHALYÚZIN. I'm not in need of anything after the kindness you have shown me, and you're quite wrong in having any such idea about me. I'm ready to give away my whole soul for you, and by no means to do anything tricky. You're getting on in years; Agraféna Kondrátyevna is a very gentle lady; Olimpiáda Samsónovna is an accomplished young lady, and of suitable years; and you've got to spend some thought on her. But now such are the circumstances; there's no knowing what may come of all this.

BOLSHÓV. Well, what could come of it? I'm the only one responsible.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Why talk about you! You, Samsón Sílych, have already had a long life; thank God, you're in a ripe old age; but Olimpiáda Samsónovna, of course, is a young lady whose like can't be found on earth. I'm speaking to you conscientiously, Samsón Sílych; that is, absolutely according to my feelings. If I'm exerting myself on your behalf now, and am putting in my whole strength, too, it may be said, grudging neither sweat nor blood--then it's mostly because I'm sorry for your family.

BOLSHÓV. Come, really now?

PODKHALYÚZIN. If you please, sir. Now, suppose all this ends well. Very good, sir. You'll have something left with which to establish Olimpiáda Samsónovna.--Well, of that there's nothing to say; let there be money, and suitors'll be found, sir. Well, but what a sin, Lord save us! if they object, and begin to hound you through the courts; and such a stigma falls upon the family, and if, furthermore, they should take away the property. Sir, the ladies'd be obliged to endure hunger and cold, and without any care, like shelterless birdies. But Lord save them from that! What would happen then? [_He weeps._

BOLSHÓV. What are you crying about?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Of course, Samsón Sílych, I merely say that just for instance--talk at the right time, keep still at the wrong time; words don't hurt. But you see, the Old Nick is powerful--he shakes the hills.

BOLSHÓV. What's to be done, my boy? Evidently such is the will of God, and you can't oppose it.

PODKHALYÚZIN. That's just it, Samsón Sílych! But all the same, according to my foolish way of reasoning, you should settle Olimpiáda Samsónovna in good time upon a good man; and then she will be, at any rate, as if behind a stone wall, sir. But the chief thing is that the man should have a soul, so that he'll feel. As for that noble's courting Olimpiáda Samsónovna--why he's turned tail already.

BOLSHÓV. Turned tail how? What gave you that notion?

PODKHALYÚZIN. It isn't a notion, Samsón Sílych. You ask Ustinya Naúmovna. Must be some one who knows him heard something or other.

BOLSHÓV. What of it! As my affairs are going now there's no need of such a person.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Samsón Sílych, just take into consideration! I'm a stranger, and no relative of yours, but for the sake of your well-being I know no rest by day or by night, my very heart is all withered. But they're marrying to him the young lady who, it may be said, is an indescribable beauty; and they're giving money, sir; but he swaggers and carries it high! Well, is there any soul in him, after all that?

BOLSHÓV. Well, if he don't want her he needn't have her, and we won't cry about it.

PODKHALYÚZIN. No, Samsón Sílych, you just consider about that: has the man any soul? Here I am, a total stranger, yet I can't see all this without tears. Just understand that, Samsón Sílych! Nobody else would care enough about it to pine away because of another man's business, sir. But you see, even if you drive me out now, even if you beat me, still I won't leave you; because I cannot--I haven't that kind of a heart.

BOLSHÓV. But how in the world could you think of leaving me? You see my only hope now is you. I'm old, and my affairs have gotten into a tight fix. Just wait! It may be we'll still swing some kind of a deal such as you're not expecting.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, I can't do that, Samsón Sílych. Just understand this much: I'm absolutely not that kind of a man! To anybody else, Samsón Sílych, of course it's all the same; he doesn't care whether the grass grows; but I can't do that way, sir. Kindly see yourself, sir, whether I'm hustling or not. I'm simply wasting away now like some poor devil, on account of your business, sir; because I'm not that kind of a man, sir. I'm doing all this because I feel sorry for you, and not for you so much as for your family. You ought to realize that Agraféna Kondrátyevna is a very tender lady, Olimpiáda Samsónovna a young lady whose like can't be found on earth, sir----

BOLSHÓV. Not on earth? Look here, brother, aren't you hinting around a little?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Hinting, sir? No, I didn't mean, sir!----

BOLSHÓV. Aha! Brother, you'd better speak more openly. Are you in love with Olimpiáda Samsónovna?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, Samsón Sílych, must be you want to joke me.

BOLSHÓV. Joke, fiddlesticks! I'm asking you seriously.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Good heavens, Samsón Sílych, could I dare think of such a thing, sir?

BOLSHÓV. Why shouldn't you dare? Is she a princess or something like that?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Maybe she's no princess; but as you've been my benefactor and taken the place of my own father--But no, Samsón Sílych, how is it possible, sir, how can I help feeling it!

BOLSHÓV. Well, then, I suppose you don't love her?

PODKHALYÚZIN. How can I help loving her, sir? Good gracious, it seems as if I loved her more than anything on earth. But no, Samsón Sílych, how is it possible, sir!

BOLSHÓV. You ought to have said: "I love her, you see, more than anything on earth."

PODKHALYÚZIN. How can I help loving her, sir? Please consider yourself: all day, I think, and all night, I think--Oh, dear me, of course Olimpiáda Samsónovna is a young lady whose like can't be found on earth--But no, that cannot be, sir. What chance have I, sir?

BOLSHÓV. What cannot be, you poor soft-head?

PODKHALYÚZIN. How can it be possible, Samsón Sílych? Knowing you, sir, as I do, like my own father, and Olimpiáda Samsónovna, sir; and again, knowing myself for what I'm worth--what chance have I with my calico snout, sir?

BOLSHÓV. Calico nothing. Your snout'll do! So long as you have brains in your head--and you don't have to borrow any; because God has endowed you in that way. Well, Lázar, suppose I try to make a match between you and Olimpiáda Samsónovna, eh? That indescribable beauty, eh?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Good gracious, would I dare? It may be that Olimpiáda Samsónovna won't look kindly on me, sir!

BOLSHÓV. Nonsense! I don't have to dance to her piping in my old age! She'll marry the man I tell her to. She's my child: if I want, I can eat her with my mush, or churn her into butter! You just talk to me about it!

PODKHALYÚZIN. I don't dare, Samsón Sílych, talk about it with you, sir! I don't want to appear a scoundrel to you.

BOLSHÓV. Get along with you, you foolish youngster! If I didn't love you, would I talk with you like this? Do you understand that I can make you happy for life? I can simply make your life for you.

PODKHALYÚZIN. And don't I love you, Samsón Sílych, more than my own father? Damn it all!--what a brute I am.

BOLSHÓV. Well, but you love my daughter?

PODKHALYÚZIN. I've wasted away entirely, sir. My whole soul has turned over long since, sir!

BOLSHÓV. Well, if your soul has turned over, we'll set you up again. Johnny's the boy for our Jenny!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Daddy, why do you favor me? I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it! My poor face would positively crack a mirror.

BOLSHÓV. What of your face! Here, I transfer all the property to you; so that afterwards the creditors will be sorry that they didn't take twenty-five kopeks on the ruble.

PODKHALYÚZIN. You can bet they'll be sorry, sir!

BOLSHÓV. Well, you get off to town now, and after a while come back to the girl; we'll play a little joke on 'em.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Very good, daddy, sir! [_They go out._