Chapter XII: Act III: Setting as in ACT I

SCENE I

_BOLSHÓV comes in and sits down in the armchair; for some time he looks into the corners and yawns._

BOLSHÓV. Here's the life; it's well said: vanity of vanities, and all is vanity. The devil knows, I myself can't make out what I want. If I were to take a snack of something, I'd spoil my dinner, and if I sit still I'll go crazy. Perhaps I might kill a little time drinking tea. [_Silence_] Here's all there is to it; a man lives, and lives, and all at once he dies and he turns to dust. Oh, Lord, oh, Lord!

[_He yawns and looks into the corners._

SCENE II

_AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA comes in with LÍPOCHKA, who is very much dressed up._

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Get along, get along, my darling; don't catch yourself on the sides of the doorway. Just look, Samsón Sílych, my dear lord and master, and admire how I've rigged up our daughter! Phew! go away! What a peony-rose she is now! [_To her_] Ah, you little angel, you princess, you little cherub, you! [_To him_] Well, Samsón Sílych, isn't it all right? Only she ought to ride in a six-horse carriage.

BOLSHÓV. She'll go in a two-horse carriage--she's no highflying proprietress.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. To be sure, she's no general's daughter, but, all the same, she's a beauty! Well, pet the child a little; what are you growling like a bear for?

BOLSHÓV. Well, how do you want me to pet her? Shall I lick her hands, or bow down to her feet? Fine circus, I must say! I've seen something more elegant than that.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. But what have you seen? No matter what; but this is your daughter, your own child, you man of stone!

BOLSHÓV. What if she is my daughter? Thank God she has shoes, dresses, and is well fed--what more does she want?

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What more! Look here, Samsón Sílych, have you gone out of your head? Well fed! What if she is well fed! According to the Christian law we should feed everybody; people look after strangers, to say nothing of their own folks. Why, it's a sin to say that, when people can hear you. Anyhow, she's your own child!

BOLSHÓV. I know she's my own child--but what more does she want? What are you telling me all these yarns for? You don't have to put her in a picture-frame! I know I'm her father.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Then, my dear, if you're her father, then don't act like a stepfather! It's high time, it seems to me, that you came to your senses. You'll soon have to part with her, and you don't grind out one kind word; you ought, for her good, to give her a bit of good advice. You haven't a single fatherly way about you!

BOLSHÓV. No, and what a pity; must be God made me that way.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. God made you that way! What's the matter with you? It seems to me God made her, too, didn't he? She's not an animal, Lord forgive me for speaking so!--but ask her something!

BOLSHÓV. What shall I ask her? A goose is no playmate for a pig; do what you please.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. We won't ask you when it comes to the point; meantime, say something. A man, a total stranger, is coming--no matter how much you try, a man is not a woman--he's coming for his first visit, when we've never seen him before.

BOLSHÓV. I said, stop it!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What a father you are! And yet you call yourself one! Ah, my poor abandoned little girl, you're just like a little orphan with drooping head! He turns away from you, and won't recognize you! Sit down, Lipochka; sit down, little soul, my charming little darling! [_She makes her sit down._

LÍPOCHKA. Oh, stop it, mamma! You've mussed me all up!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. All right, then, I'll look at you from a distance.

LÍPOCHKA. Look if you want to, only don't rave! Fudge, mamma, one can't dress up properly without your going off into a sentimental fit.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. So, so, my dear! But when I look at you, it seems such a pity.

LÍPOCHKA. Why so? It had to come some time.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. All the same, it's a pity, you little fool. We've been raising you all these years, and you've grown up--but now for no reason at all we're giving you over to strangers, as if we were tired of you, and as if you bored us by your foolish childishness, and by your sweet behavior. Here, we'll pack you out of the house, like an enemy from the town; then we'll come to, and look around, and you'll be gone forever. Consider, good people, what it'll be like, living in some strange, far-away place, choking on another's bread, and wiping away your tears with your fist! Yes, good God, she's marrying beneath her; some blockhead will be butting in--a blockhead, the son of a blockhead! [_She weeps._

LÍPOCHKA. There you go, crying! Honestly, aren't you ashamed, mamma? What do you mean by blockhead?

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [_Weeping_] The words came out of themselves. I couldn't help it.

BOLSHÓV. What made you start this bawling? If anybody asks you, you don't know yourself.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I don't know, my dear, I don't know; the fit just came over me.

BOLSHÓV. That's it, just foolishness. Tears come cheap with you.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Yes, my dear, they do! They do! I know myself that they come cheap; but how can you help it?

LÍPOCHKA. Fudge, mamma, how you act! Stop it! Now, he'll come any moment--what's the use?

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I'll stop, child, I'll stop; I'll stop right off!

SCENE III

_The same, and USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA_

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. [_Entering_] How are you, my jewels! What are you gloomy and down in the dumps for?

[_Kisses are exchanged._

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. We'd about given you up.

LÍPOCHKA. Well, Ustinya Naúmovna, will he come soon?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. It's my fault, I own up at once; it's my fault! But our affairs, my jewels, aren't in a very good way.

LÍPOCHKA. How! What do you mean by that?

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Now what new notion have you got?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why, my pearls, our suitor is wavering.

BOLSHÓV. Ha, ha, ha! You're a great go-between! How are you going to make a match?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. He's like a balky horse, he won't whoa nor giddup. You can't get a sensible word out of him.

LÍPOCHKA. But what's this, Ustinya Naúmovna? What do you mean, really?

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Holy saints! How can it be!

LÍPOCHKA. Have you just seen him?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I was at his house this morning. He came out just as he was, in his dressing-gown; but he treated me, be it said to his honor. He ordered coffee, and rum, and heaps of fancy crackers--simply piles of them. "Eat away!" says he, "Ustinya Naúmovna." I had come on business, you know, so it was necessary to find out something definite. So I said: "You wanted to go to-day and get acquainted." But on that subject he wouldn't say a sensible word to me. "Well," he said, "we'll think it over, and advise about it." And all he did was pull at the cords of his dressing-gown.

LÍPOCHKA. Why does he just fold his arms and sentimentalize? Why, it's disgusting to see how long this lasts.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Really, now, why is he showing off? Aren't we as good as he is?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Plague take him; can't we find another fellow?

BOLSHÓV. Don't you look for another, or the same thing will happen again. I'll find another for you myself.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Yes, much you will, unless you get down off the stove and hustle. You've actually forgotten, I think, that you have a daughter.

BOLSHÓV. We'll see!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. We'll see what? We'll see nothing! Bah--don't talk to me, please; don't aggravate me. [_She sits down._

_BOLSHÓV bursts out laughing;_ USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA _walks off with_ LÍPOCHKA _to the other side of the stage_. USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA _inspects the girl's dress._

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. My! how you're dolled up--that dress certainly makes you look better. You didn't make it yourself, did you?

LÍPOCHKA. Horrible need I had of making it! Why, do you think we're beggars? What are dressmakers for?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Beggars, the idea! Who's saying anything so foolish to you? They can tell from your house-keeping that you didn't make it yourself. However, your dress is a fright.

LÍPOCHKA. What's the matter with you? Have you lost your wits? Where are your eyes? What gave you that wild notion?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What are you getting on your high horse for?

LÍPOCHKA. Nonsense! Think I'll stand such rubbish? What, am I an uncultivated hussy!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What are you taking on so for? Where did such a caprice come from? Am I finding fault with your dress? Why, isn't it a dress?--and anybody will say it's a dress. But it isn't becoming to you; it's absolutely not the right thing for your style of beauty--blot out my soul if I lie. For you a gold one would be little enough; let's have one embroidered with seed-pearls. Ah! there you smile, my jewel! You see, I know what I'm talking about!

TISHKA. [_Entering_] Sysóy Psoich wants me to ask whether he, says he, can come in. He's out there with Lázar Elizárych.

BOLSHÓV. March! Call him in here with Lázar.

TISHKA _goes out_.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Well, now, the relish isn't ready for nothing: we'll take a snack. Now, Ustinya Naúmovna, I suppose you've been wanting a drop of vodka for a long time?

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Just the thing--it's one o'clock, the admiral's lunch-time.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Now, Samsón Sílych, move out of that place; what are you sitting there like that for?

BOLSHÓV. Wait a minute; they're coming up. There's time enough.

LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, I'll go change my dress.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Run along, my dear, run along.

BOLSHÓV. Wait a minute before changing--there's a suitor coming.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What sort of a suitor can that be? Quit your fooling.

BOLSHÓV. Wait a bit, Lipa, there's a suitor coming.

LÍPOCHKA. Who is it, daddy? Do I know him or not?

BOLSHÓV. You'll see him in a minute; and then, perhaps, you'll recognize him.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What are you listening to him for? What sort of a clown is coming? He's just talking to hear himself talk.

BOLSHÓV. I told you that he was coming; and I usually know what I'm talking about.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. If anybody were actually coming, then you'd be talking sense; but you keep saying he's coming, he's coming, but God knows who it is that's coming. It's always like that.

LÍPOCHKA. Well, in that case I'll stay, mamma. [_She goes to the mirror and looks at herself. Then to her father_] Daddy!

BOLSHÓV. What do you want?

LÍPOCHKA. I'm ashamed to tell you, daddy!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ashamed of what, you little fool? Speak out if you need anything.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Shame isn't smoke--it won't eat out your eyes.

LÍPOCHKA. No, by heavens, I'm ashamed!

BOLSHÓV. Well, hide your face if you're ashamed!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Do you want a new hat; is that it?

LÍPOCHKA. There! you didn't guess it. No, not a hat.

BOLSHÓV. Then what do you want?

LÍPOCHKA. To marry a soldier!

BOLSHÓV. Just listen to that!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Wake up, you shameless girl! Lord help you!

LÍPOCHKA. Why--you see, others marry soldiers.

BOLSHÓV. Well, let 'em marry 'em; you just sit by the sea and wait for a fair breeze.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. And don't you dare give me any of your lip! I won't give you my mother's blessing.

SCENE IV

_The same and_ LÁZAR, RISPOLÓZHENSKY, _and_ FOMÍNISHNA _in the doorway_.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How do you do, my dear Samsón Sílych! How do you do, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna! Olimpiáda Samsónovna, how do you do!

BOLSHÓV. How are you, old man, how are you! Do us the favor to sit down. You sit down, too, Lázar!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Won't you have a snack? I have a relish all ready for you.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Why shouldn't I, dear lady? I'd just like a thimbleful of something now.

BOLSHÓV. Let's all go in together pretty soon; but now, meanwhile, we can have a little talk.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why not have a little talk? D'you know, my jewels, I heard--it must have been printed in the newspaper, whether it's true or not--that a second Bonaparte has been born, and it may be, my jewels----

BOLSHÓV. Bonaparte's all right, but we'll trust most of all in the mercy of God; it's not a question of that now.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What is it a question of, my pearl?

BOLSHÓV. Why, about the fact that our years are approaching their decline; our health also is failing every minute, and the Creator alone can foresee what is ahead. So we have proposed, while we're still living, to give in marriage our only daughter; and in regard to her settlement we may hope also that she'll not bring into ill repute our resources and origin; above all, in other people's eyes.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Just hear how sweetly he tells that, the jewel!

BOLSHÓV. And since now our daughter is here in person, and in view of the fact that we are convinced of the honorable conduct and the sufficient means of our future son-in-law, which for us is a matter of extreme concern, in consideration of God's blessing, we hereby designate him in the presence of these witnesses. Lipa, come here.

LÍPOCHKA. What do you want, daddy?

BOLSHÓV. Come here to me. I shan't eat you, never fear. Well, now, Lázar, toddle up!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Been ready a long time, sir!

BOLSHÓV. Now, Lipa, give me your hand.

LÍPOCHKA. How! What nonsense is this? Where did you get this rubbish?

BOLSHÓV. Look out that I don't have to force you!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Now you're catching it, young lady!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Lord! What on earth is this?

LÍPOCHKA. I don't want to! I don't want to! I won't marry anything so disgusting!

FOMÍNISHNA. The power of the cross be with us!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Evidently, daddy, it's not for me to see happiness in this world! Evidently, sir, it can't be as you would wish!

BOLSHÓV. [_Seizes_ LÍPOCHKA _violently by the arm; takes_ LÁZAR'S _hand_] Why can't it, if I want it to be? What am I your father for, if not to command you? Have I fed her for nothing?

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What're you doing! What're you doing! Recollect yourself!

BOLSHÓV. Stay on your own side of the fence! This is none of your business! Well, Lipa! Here's your future husband! I ask you to love and cherish him! Sit down side by side and talk nice; and then we'll have a fine dinner and set about the wedding.

LÍPOCHKA. What! Do you think I want to sit down with that booby! What nonsense!

BOLSHÓV. If you won't sit down, I'll sit you down, and put an end to your monkey-business!

LÍPOCHKA. Who ever heard of educated young ladies being married off to their employees!

BOLSHÓV. Better shut up! If I say so, you'll marry the porter. [_Silence_.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Say, now, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, if that isn't a pity!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I myself, the mother, am as much in the dark as a clothes-closet. And I can't understand what in the world has caused this!

FOMÍNISHNA. Lord! I'm past sixty, and how many weddings I've seen; but I've never seen anything so shameful as this.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What do you mean, you murderers; do you want to dishonor the girl?

BOLSHÓV. Yes, much I have to listen to your high-falutin' talk. I've decided to marry my daughter to a clerk, and I'll have my way, and don't you dare argue; I don't give a hang for anybody. Come now, we'll go take a snack; but just let them kid each other, and maybe they'll make it up somehow or other.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Let's go, Samsón Sílych, and you and I, for company, will just take a thimbleful. Yes, yes, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, that's the first duty, that children should obey their parents. We didn't start that custom, and we shan't see the last of it.

_They all rise and go out except_ LÍPOCHKA, PODKHALYÚZIN, _and_ AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA.

LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, what does this mean? Does he want to make a cook of me? [_She weeps_.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, ma'am! Such a son-in-law as will respect you and, naturally, make your old age happy, aside from me you won't find, ma'am.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. How are you going to do that, my dear?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, ma'am! God has made me aspire so high, ma'am for this reason, ma'am, because the other fellow, mamma, will turn you down flat, ma'am; but I, till I land in my coffin [_weeps_], must have feeling, ma'am!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ah, saints alive! But how can this be?

BOLSHÓV. [_Through the door_] Wife, come here!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Coming, my dear, coming!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, you remember the word I said just now!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA _goes out_.

SCENE V

LÍPOCHKA _and_ PODKHALYÚZIN

_Silence_

PODKHALYÚZIN. Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am! Olimpiáda Samsónovna! I suppose you abominate me? Say only one word, ma'am! Just let me kiss your little hand!

LÍPOCHKA. You blockhead, you ignorant lout!

PODKHALYÚZIN. But why, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, do you want to insult me, ma'am?

LÍPOCHKA. I'll tell you once, now and forever, that I won't marry you, and I won't!

PODKHALYÚZIN. That's just as you please, ma'am! Love can't be forced. Only here's what I want to announce to you, ma'am----

LÍPOCHKA. I won't listen to you; go away from me! As if you were an educated gentleman! You see that I wouldn't marry you for anything in the world--you ought to break off yourself!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Now, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, you were pleased to say "break off." Only, if I should break off, what would happen then, ma'am?

LÍPOCHKA. Why, the thing that would happen would be that I'd marry an aristocrat.

PODKHALYÚZIN. An aristocrat, ma'am! But an aristocrat won't take you without a dowry!

LÍPOCHKA. What do you mean, without dowry? What are you talking about? Just take a look and see what kind of a dowry I have; it fairly hits you in the face!

PODKHALYÚZIN. Those dish-rags, ma'am? A nobleman won't take dish-rags. A nobleman wants it in cash, ma'am.

LÍPOCHKA. What of it? Dad will give cash!

PODKHALYÚZIN. All right, if he will, ma'am! But what if he hasn't any to give? You don't know about your papa's affairs, but I know 'em mighty well; your papa's a bankrupt, ma'am.

LÍPOCHKA. What do you mean, bankrupt? And the house and shops?

PODKHALYÚZIN. The house and shops--are mine, ma'am!

LÍPOCHKA. Yours! Get out! Are you trying to make a fool of me? Look for a bigger goose than I am.

PODKHALYÚZIN. But I have here some legal documents. [_He produces them._

LÍPOCHKA. So you bought them of dad?

PODKHALYÚZIN. I did, ma'am!

LÍPOCHKA. Where'd you get the money?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Money! Glory to God, I have more money than any nobleman.

LÍPOCHKA. What in the world are they doing to me? They've been bringing me up all these years, and then go bankrupt! [_Silence._

PODKHALYÚZIN. Now suppose, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, that you married a nobleman--what will that ever amount to, ma'am? Only the glory of being a lady, but not the least pleasure, ma'am. Please consider: ladies themselves often go to the market on foot, ma'am. And if they do drive out anywhere, then it's only the glory of having four horses; but the whole team ain't worth one merchant's horse. By heaven, it ain't, ma'am! And they don't dress so blamed superbly either, ma'am! But if, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, you should marry me, ma'am--here's the first word: you'll wear silk gowns even at home, and visiting, and to the theatre, ma'am--and we shan't dress you in anything but velvets. In respect to hats and cloaks--we won't care what's in style with the nobility, but we'll furnish you the finest ever! We'll get horses from the Orlov stud. [_Silence_] If you have doubts on the question of my looks, then that's just as you like, ma'am; I'll put on a dress coat, and trim my beard or cut it off, according to the fashion, ma'am; that's all one to me, ma'am.

LÍPOCHKA. You all talk that way before the wedding; but afterwards you cheat us.

PODKHALYÚZIN. May I die on the spot, Olimpiáda Samsónovna! Damnation blast me if I lie! Why should I, Olimpiáda Samsónovna? D'you think we'll live in a house like this? We'll buy one in the Karetny, ma'am; and how we'll decorate it! We'll have birds of paradise on the ceilings, sirens, various Coopids[1]--people'll pay good money just to look at it.

[Footnote 1: These are not the only words that Podkhalyúzin mispronounces; _Olimpiáda_ is another.]

LÍPOCHKA. They don't paint Coopids any more nowadays.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Then we'll let 'em paint bókays. [_Silence_] If you'd only agree on your side, then I don't want anything more in life. [_Silence_] How unfortunate I am, anyhow, that I can't say nice compliments.

LÍPOCHKA. Why don't you talk French, Lázar Elizárych?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Because there was no reason why I should. [_Silence_] Make me happy, Olimpiáda Samsónovna; grant me that blessing, ma'am. [_Silence_] Just tell me to kneel to you.

LÍPOCHKA. Well, do it! [PODKHALYÚZIN _kneels_] What a horrid waistcoat you have on!

PODKHALYÚZIN. I'll give this one to Tishka, ma'am, and I'll get myself one on the Kuznetsky Bridge, only don't ruin me! [_Silence_] Well, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am?

LÍPOCHKA. Let me think.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Think about what, ma'am?

LÍPOCHKA. How can I help thinking?

PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, you don't need to think!

LÍPOCHKA. I'll tell you what, Lázar Elizárych!

PODKHALYÚZIN. What're your orders, ma'am?

LÍPOCHKA. Carry me off on the quiet.

PODKHALYÚZIN. But why on the quiet, ma'am, when your papa and mamma are so willing?

LÍPOCHKA. That's quite the thing to do. Well, if you don't want to carry me off, why, let it go as it is.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Olimpiáda Samsónovna, just let me kiss your little hand! [_He kisses it; then he jumps up and runs to the door_] Daddy, sir!

LÍPOCHKA. Lázar Elizárych! Lázar Elizárych! Come here!

PODKHALYÚZIN. What do you want, ma'am?

LÍPOCHKA. Oh, if you knew, Lázar Elizárych, what my life here is like! Mamma says one thing one day, and another the next; papa, when he isn't drunk, has nothing to say; but when he's drunk he's apt to beat you at any moment. How's a cultivated young lady going to endure such a life? Now, if I could marry a nobleman, I'd go out of this house, and could forget about all that. But now everything will go on as before.

PODKHALYÚZIN. No, ma'am, Olimpiáda Samsónovna; it won't be that way! Olimpiáda Samsónovna, as soon as we've celebrated the wedding, we'll move into our own house, ma'am. And then we won't let 'em boss us. No, here's an end to all that, ma'am! That'll do for them--they ran things in their day, now it's our turn.

LÍPOCHKA. Just look here, Lázar Elizárych, we shall live by ourselves at our house, and they by themselves at their house. We'll do everything fashionably, and they, just as they please.

PODKHALYÚZIN. That's the idea, ma'am.

LÍPOCHKA. Well, call papa now.

[_She rises and prinks before the mirror._

PODKHALYÚZIN. Papa! Papa! Sir! Mamma!

SCENE VI

_The same,_ BOLSHÓV, _and_ AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA

PODKHALYÚZIN. [_Goes to meet_ SAMSÓN SÍLYCH _and throws his arms about him in an embrace_] Olimpiáda Samsónovna has agreed, sir!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I'm coming, my dears, I'm coming!

BOLSHÓV. Well, that's talking! Just the thing! I know what I'm doing; it's not for you to teach me.

PODKHALYÚZIN. [To AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA] Mamma, ma'am! Let me kiss your hand!

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Kiss away, my dear; they're both clean. Ah, you blessed child, has it been long since you decided? Ah? Good heavens! What's this? I absolutely didn't know how to decide this matter. Oh, my own little darling, you!

LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, I positively didn't know that Lázar Elizárych was such a well-educated gentleman! But now I see at once that he's infinitely more respectful than the others.

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Well, well, well, you little goose! As if your father would wish you any harm! Ah, mamma's little dove! What a little story, eh? Oh, my holy saints! What in the world is this? Fomínishna! Fomínishna!

FOMÍNISHNA. Coming, coming, my dear, coming! [_She comes in._

BOLSHÓV. Stop, you gabbler! Now you two just sit down side by side, and we'll have a look at you. Fomínishna, bring up a little bottle of fizz.

PODKHALYÚZIN _and_ LÍPOCHKA _sit down._

FOMÍNISHNA. Right away, my dear, right away! [_She goes out._]

SCENE VII

_The same,_ USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA, _and_ RISPOLÓZHENSKY

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Congratulate the bride and groom to be, Ustinya Naúmovna! God has brought us to a ripe old age; we have lived to see happiness!

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What have I got to congratulate you with, my jewels? My mouth's too dry to sing your praises.

BOLSHÓV. Well, now, we'll wet your whistle.

SCENE VIII

_The same_, FOMÍNISHNA, _and_ TISHKA, _who is bringing wine on a tray_.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Aha! here's a matter of a different sort. Well, God grant you live long, keep young, grow fat, and be rich! _[She drinks]_ It's bitter, my jewels! _[LÍPOCHKA and LÁZAR kiss]_ Ah! that sweetens it!

BOLSHÓV. Just let me drink their health. _[He takes the glass_; LÍPOCHKA _and_ LÁZAR _stand up]_ Live as you think best--you're reasonable beings. But so that you won't find life a bore, the house and shops go to you, Lázar, in place of dowry, and I'll throw in some ready cash.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Many thanks, daddy; I'm well satisfied with what you've done for me as it is.

BOLSHÓV. Nothing to thank me for! They're my own goods--I made 'em myself. I give 'em to whomever I please. Pour me another! [TISHKA _pours another glass]_ But what's the good of talking! Kindness is no crime! Take everything, only feed me and the old woman, and pay off the creditors at ten kopeks on the ruble.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, daddy, that's not worth talking about, sir! Don't I know what feeling is? It's a family affair--we'll settle it ourselves.

BOLSHÓV. I tell you, take it all, and there's an end to it! And nobody can boss me! Only pay my creditors. Will you pay 'em?

PODKHALYÚZIN. If you please, dad, that's my first duty, sir.

BOLSHÓV. Only you look out--don't give 'em much. As it is, I suppose you'll be fool enough to pay the whole debt.

PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, we'll settle it later, daddy, somehow. If you please, it's a family affair.

BOLSHÓV. Come, all right! Don't you give 'em more than ten kopeks. That'll do for them. Well, kiss each other!

_LÍPOCHKA and LÁZAR do so._

AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ah, my little doves! How in the world did it happen! I declare I've quite lost my head.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA.

"Whoever heard or saw such things?
The elephant's learning to fly with wings;
The hen laid a door-knob instead of an egg;
And piggy is dancing a jig on a keg!"

_She pours out wine and goes up to RISPOLÓZHENSKY; RISPOLÓZHENSKY bows and declines the wine._

BOLSHÓV. Drink to their happiness, Sysóy Psoich.

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. I can't, Samsón Sílych--it turns my stomach!

BOLSHÓV. Go along with you! Drink to their happiness.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. He's always showing off!

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. It turns my stomach, Samsón Sílych! By heaven, it does! I'll just take a thimbleful of vodka. But my nature won't stand the other. I have such a weak constitution.

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Bah! you long-necked goose! Nonsense--much your nature won't stand it! Give it here. I'll pour it down his collar if he won't drink it!

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No fair, Ustinya Naúmovna! That ain't nice for a lady to do. Samsón Sílych, I can't, sir! Would I have refused it? He! he! he! What kind of a blockhead am I, that I should do anything so rude? I've seen high society, I know how to live. Now, I never refuse vodka; if you don't mind, I'll just take a thimbleful! But this I simply can't drink--it turns my stomach. Samsón Sílych, don't you allow all this disorderly conduct; it's easy to insult a man, but it ain't nice.

BOLSHÓV. Give it to him hot and heavy, Ustinya Naúmovna, hot and heavy!

RISPOLÓZHENSKY _runs away from her._

USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. _[Placing the wine on the table]_ You shan't get away from me, you old son of a sea-cook! _[She pushes him into a corner and seizes him by the collar._

RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Police!

_All burst out laughing._