Chapter M: THIERS has been censured by some of our contemporaries for his fiscal

policy of seeking to impose heavy duties on raw materials. At any rate, however, France will not be saddled (like an ass) with an Income-tax; so the taxation to which that country will be subjected, will be comparatively light, even if it should have the effect of making butchers' meat as frightfully dear there as it is in England.

* * * * *

=A TEMPERANCE HOSPITAL.=

O to! The anti-alcoholic manifesto lately put forth by the two hundred and fifty first-class Doctors is already producing the effect which a demonstration, fortified with names some having handles to them, seldom fails to produce on a portion of the generally intelligent British Public. It has caused "a movement." The _Daily News_ announces that:--

"A movement has been started to establish a hospital in London
'for the treatment of diseases apart from the ordinary
administration of alcoholic liquors.'"

The object of the movement does not appear from the words in which it is stated quite so clearly as the thinking persons who may attach importance to it must desire. Do not, in fact, most Doctors, as it is, treat diseases "apart from the ordinary administration of alcoholic liquors?" Are not all patients but those labouring under diseases of debility, as a rule, enjoined by their medical attendant to abstain, totally or comparatively, from wine, beer, and spirits? In hospitals, where this abstinence can always be enforced, the treatment of diseases apart from the ordinary administration of alcoholic liquors is especially usual. Do the enlightened promoters of a movement for the establishment of a hospital, whereat diseases shall be so treated still more especially, mean to say that, in that new institution alcohol, in diseases in which it has hitherto been wont to be ordinarily administered as a tonic or stimulant requisite for their cure, shall not be given--and if so, why? Because alcohol is a poison? Then why stop at alcohol? Why not also proscribe, instead of prescribing, opium, henbane, hemlock, deadly nightshade, arsenic, and prussic acid; and indeed--for what active medicine is not a poison in an over-dose?--nearly every article in the _Materia Medica_?

Truly the great Two-Hundred-and-Fifty Against Alcohol, themselves even, leave some room for question as to their meaning when they proclaim that "it is believed that the inconsiderate prescription of large quantities of alcoholic liquids by Medical Men for their patients has given rise, in many instances, to the formation of intemperate habits." Believed by, and of whom? By the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty Doctors of their Profession at large, or by Society in general of it, including them? One would like to know who the believers are, in order to be enabled to appraise the belief, and it would also please one to be informed whether or no the belief includes a confession, which the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty make for themselves. Did you, gentle reader, in the course of your experience, ever happen to meet with a victim of the Bottle who dated his intemperance from taking port wine or brandy, prescribed for him when convalescent, for example, from typhus fever?

One can indeed understand and appreciate the advice that "alcohol, in whatever form, should be prescribed and administered with as much care as any powerful drug," and peradventure this will create another movement, a movement of a speculative nature, for the manufacture of graduated physic glasses, of various sizes, to replace the sherry, champagne, hock, and claret glasses now in use at table: a minim-glass to be the new glass for liqueurs and brandy. This practical improvement in Social Science may be shortly introduced by some of our leading medical men at their own tables. And when they exhibit alcohol, in whatever form, perhaps, in future, they will always take care to combine it with something very nauseous; gin, for instance, with the most horrible of bitters. This will effectually prevent the administration of alcohol from originating the formation of intemperate habits.

Doubtless, on the whole, the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty have spoken wisely; but the echo of their speech in some quarters has sounded like cackle, and the "movement," which their utterance has set on foot among gregarious persons, very much resembles the march of an analogous kind of birds, under leadership, across a common.

* * * * *

RURAL INTELLIGENCE.

SPLICINGHAM.

INTERESTING EVENT.--On Thursday the 25th inst. this pretty little village was early astir, and thrown into a state of pleasurable excitement, it being the nuptial morn of MISS SELINA SUNNISMILE, daughter of MR. SUNNISMILE, gardener and florist, with MR. ROBERT GRUBBINS, pork-butcher, both of this parish. The parents of the happy couple being held in high esteem, triumphal arches were erected, decked with appropriate mottoes, and the front of the bride's residence was festooned with early cauliflowers and other floral ornaments which her father had purveyed. The choral service terminated with the _Wedding March_ of MENDELSSOHN, performed on the harmonium by MR. JOSEPH THUMPER with his accustomed skill. An elegant _dejeuner_, consisting of pork-pies, pickled herrings, trotters, tripe, and wedding-cake, was then done ample justice to by a select party of guests; the bride's health being drunk in bumpers of champagne, expressly made for the occasion from her father's famous gooseberries, which gained a prize last summer at the exhibition of the Splicingham Pomological Society. After this affecting ceremony, the happy pair departed, in a shower of old slippers, on a trip to the metropolis, to spend their honeymoon.

WOBBLESWORTH.

LITERARY ENTERTAINMENT.--The second of the series of Halfpenny Readings was held last Tuesday evening at the Literary Institute, the REV. MR. MILDMAN being voted to the Chair. It will be noticed from the programme that something more than mere amusement is the aim of these small gatherings; and, as a means towards the better education of the country, we need hardly say we wish them all manner of success:--

READING, "_Old Mother Hubbard_" MISS BROWN.
RECITATION, "_Humpty Dumpty_" MASTER JONES.
SONG, "_Twinkle, twinkle, little Star_" MRS. ROBINSON.
RECITAL (in costume), "_Grilling a Grizly_" MR. SMITH.
READING, "_The Humours of Joe Miller_" REV. Z. SNOOKS.
COMIC SONG, "_O, did you twig her Ankle?_" MR. LARKER.
RECITAL, "_My Name is Norval_" MASTER WIGGINS.
GLEE, "_The Cock and Crow_" WOBBLESWORTH WARBLERS.
READING, "_The Bandit's Bride_" REV. H. WALKER.
SONG, "_I seek thee in every Shadow_" MR. GROWLER.
RECITAL, "_The Haunted Hottentot_" DR. BLOBBS.
COMIC SONG, "_Jolly Miss Jemima_" MR. LARKER.
CHORUS, "_Ri fol de riddle ol_" WOBBLESWORTH WARBLERS.

The company separated at the somewhat advanced hour of half-past nine o'clock, after spending an enjoyable and instructive evening.

DUFFERTON AND BLUNDERBURGH.

SPARROWSHOOTING EXTRAORDINARY.--The annual meeting of the Dufferton and Blunderburgh Sparrow Club was held on Monday last at the Goose and Gridiron, Dufferton, the President, MR. BOOBIE, again occupying the chair. It appeared from the report that, during the past twelvemonth, no fewer than 5937 sparrows had been slaughtered by the honourable members of the club. Complaints had been received of increasing devastation by fly, and slug, and caterpillar, and it was said that this was owing to the great decrease of small birds effected by the club. The Chairman, amid cheers, pooh-poohed these allegations, and, after presenting a new powderflask to MR. JONAH JOWLS, for having made the largest bag of small birds in the twelvemonth, the Chairman humorously adjourned the meeting to the supper-room, where mine host served up an elegant light supper, the _menu_ whereof consisted of sausages, black puddings, Welsh rarebits, and pork-chops.

* * * * *

SCIENCE GOSSIP.

PROFESSOR AGASSIZ has discovered "a fish which builds a nest." Wonders are only just beginning. Other Professors, envious of AGASSIZ'S good fortune, will be stimulated to renewed study of the Animal Kingdom; and the result will be that at no distant day we shall see the great Zoological collections, here and in America, enriched by the addition of a glowworm which lives in a hive, a tortoise which hops from bough to bough, an oviparous rabbit, and a lobster whose diet consists exclusively of salad. The fable which deluded our childhood may yet be realised, and pigeon's milk take its place amongst the common articles of a free breakfast table.

* * * * *

NEW SCHOOL FOR NOBS.

IND _Mr. Punch_, a happy change has come over the character of our Public Schools. The chief of them, I have been told, of what is called mediaeval foundation, were originally intended to educate the sons of poor gentlemen. But now, Sir, the purpose they have come to serve is just the reverse of that. A correspondent of the _Morning Post_, signing himself PAVIDUS--evidently a mean, shabby, needy sprig of gentility, afraid, as his signature means, if I am not misinformed, which, by the tenor of his letter, he plainly confesses himself to be, of having to fork out more than he is able--writes to complain, forsooth, of "the growing abuse of 'tips' and pocket-money allowance." This contemptible indigent fellow says:--

"It is within my knowledge that at one of the chief public
schools--and I am told that the same rule holds good at the
other schools of this class--a boy who does not bring back L5
each half is set down by 'the house' as a 'duffer' and as of 'no
use.' In other words, he is under the cold shade of his
fellow-boarders, and is subject to constant and galling
humiliation."

Very well. Let him be off, then. A first-class Public School is no place for him any more than a first-class carriage. Let the beggar who doesn't like it, leave it--go second or third class, and be taught the three R's under FORSTER'S Education Act. But now read what PAVIDUS has the insolence to say further:--

"It is not every lad that can bear lightly the gibes and jeers
of the young cotton lords whose home ethics teach them to
measure the quality of a gentleman by the amount of money he can
spend. The result is inevitable. The 'soc' shop gives credit. A
loan is soon and easily contracted, and the boy, smarting under
the results of his comparative poverty, begins his career of
debt and deceit in order to hold his own among his more
pecunious fellows."

MR. PAVIDUS, in his pride and poverty, seems very indignant at the idea of wealthy young cotton lords treating poor young pedigree lords with contempt. I dare say he is some poor nobleman's relation himself, the HONOURABLE PAVIDUS, perhaps, or RIGHT HONOURABLE PAVIDUS.

When he wrote the above sneer at cotton lords probably he turned up his nose. That is, I mean, he tried to, for it is a nose that don't turn up by nature, I'm sure. I'll be bound it's one of those aquiline hook-noses which your bloated aristocrats are so vain of, none of your jolly button-mushroom snub. I fancy I see PAVIDUS--LORD PAVIDUS, perhaps--looking down upon myself and sniffing at me, like a footman with too strong a bouquet in his buttonhole. He and his, and such as they, had best keep themselves to themselves. If our boys are too well-off at school for theirs, and yet theirs are above being sent to regular pauper schools, why don't your Nobs and Swells get up poor's schools of their own, poor gentlemen's schools, if they like to call them so? At such schools the rule might be that no boy was to come from home to school with more than five shillings in his pocket, nor be allowed above sixpence a week.

Dress and board could be cut down to the same plain, poverty-stricken scale. Such regulations would keep the high-bred paupers what they call select enough without any necessity, which they that pride themselves so on their pronunciation might perhaps imagine, for an entrance examination to try if new-comers could pronounce their h's. And so, poor nobility and gentry, being brought up in that frugal sort of way, would continue in it, because able to afford no better, and by-and-by, I dare say, get to pride themselves upon it, and make a merit and a boast of their despicable economy; so that plain living and dressing and eating and drinking will some day perhaps be considered the particular tokens of high birth and breeding, and of class-distinction between PLANTAGENET MOWBRAY FITZ-MONTAGUE NORFOLK HOWARD and

SHODDY.

* * * * *

TICHBORNE _V._ LUSHINGTON.

BOYLE'S _Court Guide_ is, as all who dwell or have friends in the Court District know, as accurate and convenient a book of reference as possible. No library table can be without this manual. It is with great reluctance, therefore, that _Mr. Punch_, in the exercise of stern duty, devotes the new volume of the _Guide_ to the vengeance of LORD CHIEF JUSTICE BOVILL. But respect for the Bench compels _Mr. Punch_ to offer this sacrifice. In the issue for January, 1872, on page 797, this may be read:--

"TICHBORNE, SIR ROGER C. D., _Bart._, 10, Harley Road West,
Brompton, S.W."

NOW _Mr. Punch_ appeals to the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, and to the Universe to say whether the desire expressed by the former that there should be no comment on the Tichborne case, _pendente lite_, has not been scrupulously complied with. Dull as the season has been, there has been no yielding to the temptation to make smart articles out of the Australian Romance. _Mr. Punch_ himself, who is above all laws, has set the most noble example to his contemporaries, and even when he has borrowed an illustration from the big trial, he has carefully avoided any expression of opinion as to the merits. But, in the _Court Guide_, the Claimant, or somebody else, has inserted an entry which prejudges the case. The name and title of SIR ROGER TICHBORNE are claimed as calmly as if the ownership were as well established as that of the name and title of SIR WILLIAM BOVILL, which appear in another page, or as _Mr. Punch's_ own name and title would be cited, but that it pleases him to occupy his family mansion East of Temple Bar. This is Contempt of Court. The Attorney-General has stated his belief that the Claimant is a cunning and audacious conspirator, a perjurer, a forger, an impostor, and a villain. He may be all these things, and not SIR ROGER TICHBORNE. He may be none of these things, and be SIR ROGER TICHBORNE. He may be only so many of these things as are compatible with his being SIR ROGER TICHBORNE. No person, except an advocate, has the least right to state an opinion until the jury shall be finally locked up, and out of the way of being prejudiced. Whoever took on himself to decide the case, by sending to the _Court Guide_ a statement that SIR ROGER TICHBORNE exists, and resides at the above address, did that for which he should be called on to answer at the bar of the Common Pleas. Roo-ey, too-ey, too-ey-too-ey too!

* * * * *

LIQUOR LAWS SUPERSEDED.

MOUTHING, spouting, declamatory, meddlesome agitation for the compulsory enforcement of total abstinence from invigorating, comforting, cheering, and restorative drinks on people to whom it would be intolerable, is the very staff of life to the United Kingdom Alliance. Therefore it is taking the bread out of their mouths to enter into combination for any purpose like that described by the _Post_ in a paragraph announcing:--

"ANOTHER SOCIAL MOVEMENT.--The working-men of the West End have
set on foot a new social movement, the main object of which is
to enable them to hold meetings with their trade and friendly
societies away from public-houses. A body of earnest working-men
have been exerting themselves for some months past to raise
funds for the purpose of building a central hall, in which the
trade and friendly societies of Chelsea, Brompton, and
Kensington may meet, instead of at public-houses. There are
upwards of seventy such societies in the districts named."

If working-men generally take to courses like these, they will very soon vindicate their order from the accusation of drunkenness which Liquor LAWSON, DAWSON BURNS, and their followers, put forward as a pretext for soliciting the whole people to let themselves be placed under restraint, like idiots or babies. The sober and earnest working-men, drinking their beer in moderation, will show themselves to be really the same flesh and blood with the gentlemen who sip their claret soberly, and are so kind as to interest themselves in the promotion of schemes for withholding their poorer kind from indulgence in "intoxicating liquors." But then the occupation of the United Kingdom Alliance will be gone. That is to say, they will be deprived of all excuse for vociferating, plotting, and conspiring to have the pleasure of regulating the habits of others.

* * * * *

=Parental Present.=

THOUGH we have thus far entered on January, the window of a shop in Fleet Street still exhibits a card bearing the legend of "Presents for Christmas." This appears amid a lot of walking-sticks, where it is somewhat suggestive. Perhaps too many schoolboys generally come home for the holidays would receive the most suitable Christmas-box a fond Father could present them with if he were to give them the Stick. [_Mrs. Punch._ "Brute!"]

* * * * *

_Young Person_ (_on taking a Situation with Maiden Lady_). "IN THE COURSE OF CONVERSATION, SHALL I ADDRESS YOU AS _MISS_ OR _MUM_?"!!]

* * * * *

THE "PHANTOM BOARD."

(_See MR. VERNON LUSHINGTON'S evidence before the
Megaera Commission_.)

A DARKLING place, of shadowy space,
Reached by a silent stair;
A skeleton clock, with a dusty face,
That marks time in the air,
To five grey ghosts, in blue and gold lace,
Each in ghost of a board-room chair.

Their red-tape is dust, their penknives are rust,
The ink in each standish is sere;
Their ghost-quills glide betwixt margins wide
Of foolscap, that blanks appear;
And their dead tongues' prose into dead ears goes,
And out at as dead an ear!

But on file and floor, and the tables o'er,
And in pigeon-holes well stored,
Are letters many, and papers more--
An ever-growing hoard!
No phantom of business, albeit before
My Lords of a Phantom Board!

So much work to be done, and, alive, but one
To utter five phantoms' will!
The hours they run, but on LUSHINGTON
The papers are pouring still--
And how record for a Phantom Board,
With a merely mortal quill?

Those letters come by messengers dumb--
A hundred thousand a year--
To this room or that, for ghost-clerks to thumb,
And be opened, here and there:
Who registers? None, all; all, some:
Who minutes? Ghost-hands in air.

So, registered or unregistered,
As haste or hap may be;
Minuted or un-minuted,
As ghost, or none, may be free;
The gathering letters have come to a head
That a Phantom Board can see!

Alive but one,--Lone LUSHINGTON
Among that ghostly five,
And all this business to be done--
Needs must when phantoms drive!
"Enough to sign," he sighs, "not mine
To read, and still survive."

And while he signs, and signs, and signs,
Its ghost of work upon,
In its red-tape toil the navy to coil,
The Phantom Board sits on:
Essay to seize, your grasp 'twill foil,
Looms, shadowy, and is gone!

Gone but to meet, in order neat,
As ghost-like as before,
In the navy blue, and cock'd hat a-slue,
That ancient DUNCAN wore,
The Phantom First Lord at the head of the Board,
And, below, the Phantom Four!

Their ghosts of orders they have sped,
Their ghosts of minutes they sign;
But of ship ill-found, or fleet ill-led
The discredit all decline,
To the shrill "Not mine!" of their phantom-head,
Echoing their "Not mine."

JOHN BULL, outside, may groan and gride,
May fume and fret at will;
If he deems live heads his navy guide,
His sea-behests fulfil,
The works and the words of these Phantom Lords
No wonder he taketh ill.

For our ships we know how the sovereigns go.
Hard cash in hard hulls should end:
Why troop-ships are worked till they rotten grow,
We cannot comprehend;
Nor why squalls that blow about REID & CO.
To the bottom should _Captains_ send.

Some day, I think, with a sneeze and a wink,
Shocked wide-awake again,
JOHN BULL will make free with the Board-room key,
Grope his way to the door, and then,
Round the Board-screen peep at the ghosts that keep
The seats of living men!

We wouldn't hold posts among those ghosts--
Nor of Sea, nor of Civil Lord--
That to build JOHN'S ships, and to guard JOHN'S coasts,
Have borrowed his shield and sword:
If Ghosts _can_ be kicked, kicked out of their posts
Will be the PHANTOM BOARD!

* * * * *

MR. BULL. "GHOSTS, BY JINGO!"

[_What else did he expect to see at the Admiralty, after_ MR. VERNON LUSHINGTON'S _awful Revelation_?]

* * * * *

LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART.

MRS. LORIMER STACKWORTHY is busy with a new life of one of our earliest Queens, BOADICEA, based on contemporary documents and family papers, many of which are in cipher. The publishers, (SPORLE AND MUSSITT) will be glad to hear of an authentic portrait of the subject of MRS. STACKWORTHY's interesting monograph.

The article, in the _Pedantic Review_, on "Pies and Puddings," which has caused such a stir in literary and culinary circles, bears strong internal evidence of the practised pen of PROFESSOR PORRINGER. That on "Extraordinary Ebullitions," in the _Impartialist_, is understood to emanate from DR. JULIUS TEEZER.

JEWINI'S great classic Opera--_La Vecchia Madre Ubardio_--will be revived next season at La Scala.

A new weekly periodical is announced. It will be printed, published, edited, written, illustrated, stitched, and sold exclusively by women, and the type, ink, and paper, will be supplied by manufacturers who employ none but female artificers. Men will not be allowed to interfere with this journal in any way, except as purchasers. The title is _Superior Wisdom_.

SIGNOR ZAFFERANO-COLLINA has resumed his (open air) Organ performances on Campden Hill. The Signor's _repertoire_ has not received any accession during the recess.

In the course of the ensuing season, MESSRS. BRANE AND BOOKER will bring to the hammer the valuable Library formed by the late JONATHAN BELL DIVER, M.A., F.A.S., F.E.L.S. It is remarkably rich in nursery rhymes, cookery books, gipsyana, and treatises on dentistry and fireworks, and includes a unique series of privately printed publications relating to the County of Rutland.

The result of more extended investigations goes to prove that the _Octopus_ will not attack man, except in defence of its religion.

MR. GRANBY FUSSFORTH has completed his arrangements for the delivery of a course of Six Lectures on "Winds and Windfalls," in the North of London. He will afterwards make a tour through Lambeth, Surrey, Southwark, and the Tower Hamlets, and will probably conclude his labours in the Old Kent Road.

Telegrams from Trebizond say that MADAME CORALIA VOLANTI has created a perfect _furore_ there, by her extraordinary performances on the high rope.

_Bertha's Black Box_ is the title of a new Serial Story, by a popular and prolific writer, to be commenced in an early number of _Alsatia_. It will be illustrated by BANNOCKS.

MR. WYCHERLEY BIBB has a farcical comedy in preparation which will be produced at the "Sheridan" in the course of the season. The plot turns on one of the principal characters mistaking a private mansion for an hotel. FACEY SMILES has a wonderful part in it.

MR. SALVATOR ROSE, R.A., is working hard to get all his pictures ready for the forthcoming Royal Academy Exhibition. Perhaps, the most striking is a scene from SMITH'S _Classical Dictionary_, in which AGAMEMNON is represented as blowing a kiss, across the Prytaneum, to CLYTEMNESTRA, who is pacing the Bema, in the absence of her guardian on a secret expedition. AEGISTHUS appears in the background, detained by some law business, and the Chorus is endeavouring to convince him that he is in the wrong. This powerful painting, with its subtle _nuances_, its harmonious play of light and shade, its truthful rendering of the Piraeus, and the splendid drawing of the Chorus's left leg, will carry conviction to all who can reverence a conscientious manipulation of another of the grand old trilogies of the Athenian stage.

The new metal, Fluozinium, is steadily making its way against the current of scientific prejudice. It has been discovered in almost limitless quantities in conjunction with tufa and haematite; and the most delicate persons may inhale its fumes with perfect safety. In specific gravity Fluozinium is superior both to nickel and cobalt; it will ignite nowhere but on the box, and not often there; and for porosity, frangibility, and opalescence, no metal in our time has approached it.

The Dryrot Society have at the present time two more volumes of unusual interest ready for their subscribers, who, it must be said, regretfully, are much in arrear with their subscriptions. One is the Foundation Deeds, in abbreviated Latin, of the Monastery of St. Kilda, in Kincardineshire, dating as far back as the fourteenth century; the other, a list of all persons holding _in capite_ a carucate of land and upwards, who were in fief to the Crown in the Border Wars. A few copies will be struck off on large paper, and six on vellum.

* * * * *

=THE SPEAKER-ELECT.=

HE details supplied by the newspapers give but an inadequate idea of the interesting rites and ceremonies which cluster round the election of a new SPEAKER, and have been observed, with undeviating fidelity, since those early times, when the original SPEAKER received the sanction of his Sovereign under the shade of the "Parliament Oak" in "Merry Sherwood."

From the first moment that he gets a post-card informing him he is to be proposed to the House for the vacant Chair, the SPEAKER-designate gives up the sports of the field, dinner company, and all other pleasures and amusements, and devotes himself, night and day, to the perusal of the journals of the House of Commons, the investigation of the Standing Orders, and the study of the Constitutional History of England, Parliamentary precedents and privileges, and the Biographies of his predecessors.

He reads a fixed portion of _Hansard_ every morning and evening.

He sees no one but the Clerk of the House and his Assistants, who call to give him daily private tuition.

He forms a collection of the photographs of all the Members, that his recognition of them may be immediate and unerring.

During the week before the meeting of Parliament he visits all his old haunts for the last time, and takes leave of his friends, with whom, of course, as First Commoner, he can never again mix on the same familiar terms.

The day before his election he has his hair cut.

On the eve of the great event he retires to rest early, and on the morning of the most momentous day in his life he rises with the first streak of dawn in the east, and paces to and fro on Constitution Hill, to collect his thoughts and prepare his speech.

The Sergeant-at-Arms conveys him, attired in a full Court suit to Westminster, in a close carriage, with the blinds drawn down, and remains with him in a vault in the Victoria Tower, where he is provided with the daily papers, writing materials, and refreshments, until his proposer and seconder arrive to conduct him into the House. (There is a large looking-glass in the vault, before which he tries on his wig and gown, with the experienced aid of the Sergeant.)

The subsequent proceedings are pretty much as the papers have described them, except that the Proposer and Seconder wear nosegays, and carry halberds; and that the SPEAKER stands up before he takes his seat in the chair, which is draped with the Union Jack, brandishes the Mace (decked with ribbons for the occasion) three times round his head, and in a loud voice, and in Norman French, invites the whole of the officers of the House to dine with him that evening at the Albion at seven.

* * * * *

_Theresa._ "NO, CHARLES--NEVER! I HAVE LONG DETERMINED TO DEVOTE MY LIFE TO CHARITY; IN FACT, TO BECOME A SISTER IN AN ANGLICAN NUNNERY."

_Charles._ "WELL, IF YOU DO, I'LL BURY MYSELF FOR THE REST OF MY MISERABLE DAYS IN A--IN A--A MONKERY!"]

* * * * *

=JOLLY WET.=

HOORAY! It rains, it pelts, it pours,
At work I shall be free from bores,
Who call and stay. The storm that roars,
The wet, will keep them all in-doors.

I've but to dread the Postman's knock,
A sharp but momentary shock,
I'll hope that it may bring no worse,
Than some attempt upon my purse.

Prospectus, Circular, or Puff,
Into the fire just won't I stuff,
And smile, as to myself I say,
"That postage-stamp is thrown away!"

* * * * *

INQUESTS QUITE UNNECESSARY.

On Thursday last week, at a meeting of the Middlesex Magistrates:--

"A communication was received from the guardians of the poor of
the parish of St. Pancras, stating that there was an increase in
the number of inquests held upon the bodies of persons dying in
the workhouse, and that a majority of them were unnecessary; but
the guardians were powerless to prevent such inquests being
held, and were of opinion that if the fees receivable by the
medical officers of the workhouses in the metropolis were
abolished, a number of such inquests would no longer be held."

The insinuation against the metropolitan Poor-Law medical officers of a charge of obtaining fees under false pretences, does credit to the shopkeepers in limited lines of business out of whose inner self-consciousness it sprang. Of course the inquests held upon many of the paupers who have died in the St. Pancras Workhouse have been unnecessary. There, not very much more particularly than in other workhouses, can the majority of paupers be supposed to perish from special neglect. Most of them, no doubt, die of mere misery.

* * * * *

=Victoria and Hahnemann.=

"The QUEEN has been pleased to send a present of game for the patients of the Hospital for Consumption, Brompton."

_Similia similibus._ HER MAJESTY treats, by promoting consumption. But the First of Lady Doctors does not "exhibit" infinitesimal doses. Truly Royal practice of homoeopathy.

* * * * *

THE SOUTH KENSINGTON BAZAAR.

MR. PUNCH has seldom been more disgusted--and that is saying a good deal in these days--than by the low, sordid, Philistine, anticosmopolitan agitation on the subject of the International Exhibitions.

He will endeavour to express himself calmly on the topic, but gives no pledge that he will not be induced to use strong language.

British manufacturers and vendors complain (he hates people that complain of anything) that the Foreigner is unduly and unjustly favoured by the directors of these Exhibitions. "Foreigner!" At the outset, that word is in itself offensive. All mankind are Brothers, more or less. But let that pass.

The Foreigner is allowed to bring to South Kensington whatever wares he pleases, and to exhibit them to the best advantage at handsome stalls, for which he pays no rent. To the Exhibition the British public is invited by every official blandishment--fete, flower-show, and music are among the attractions--and for several months the very best and most opulent portion of society is thus brought to be tempted by the Foreigner's productions.

Furthermore, the Foreigner is allowed to deprive the Exhibition of its character as an Exhibition, and to make it a shop. For he may sell anything which he has brought over (whether it be part of his show, or any other article which it has occurred to him as likely to be acceptable), and the purchaser may take it away at once. This is coarsely described as entirely departing from the theory that it was by the display and comparison of wares that the interests of Art were to be promoted. It is irreverently urged that the accomplished Prince who originally devised those Exhibitions would never have sanctioned their being converted into Shops and Bazaars.

The British manufacturers and vendors condescend to urge that this is not giving them fair play, that the Foreigner is helped in every way to sell his goods, and that the Briton who pays rent for his own shop, and heavy taxes for the support of the State, is rendered all the less able to do so, by reason that custom is drawn away from him in favour of those who pay neither rent nor taxes.

_Mr. Punch_ regrets to find that Leading Men of business take these narrow views, and that the representatives of some of the most eminent firms in England have met under the auspices of the LORD MAYOR, also a man of business, to assert that the system is unjust. It may be thought that when such men deliberately protest against anything, they may be supposed to have good reasons for their protest. But this is a commonplace way of thinking.

Let us try and rise above mere material views, and let the holy and genial rays of the sun of cosmopolitanism warm up our insular hearts. All mankind are Brothers, as has been already observed, and who would grudge his brother anything? Why should the British person be considered in the matter? Talk of his paying taxes--well, he does not like to pay them--and if he is ruined, he will not be called upon to pay them any more. That is a detail beneath contempt. What _Mr. Punch_ is so ashamed of, is the chill and callous British nature, which refuses to recognise the holiness of universal philanthropy, and clings to old-fashioned ideas of a man's duty to his own family and his own nation. The Englishman who could see in the prosperity of the Rue de Rivoli no compensation for the ruin of Regent Street, is so low in the scale of civilisation that we blush to call him countryman.

_Mr. Punch_ has no such sordid feelings, and his noble heart will leap with generous joy to behold the wealthy pouring out their gold on the counter or at the stall of his Foreign Brothers at South Kensington, and if his British Brother is, as he thinks, unfairly used and impoverished, let him find consolation in the thought that we are all the same "flesh and blood." Let him mention this to MR. LOWE'S tax-collector, and it is certain that the latter will, like STERNE'S angel, drop a gentle tear on the charge he was going to make, and blot it out for ever.

* * * * *

JONES'S NEW HORSE--FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE TRAIN STARTS.]

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PAST AND PRESENT OBSTRUCTION.

WHERE now are the Parsons, with too high a hand
Who whilom were wont things to carry?
The sole Clergy known to the Law of the Land,
With charter to bury and marry,
Whose Pluralists lazily fattened, like swine;
Their rubicund joles bloomed like roses:
They were used so to soak themselves full of port-wine,
That it purpled their overgrown noses.

O where and O where are those proud Parsons gone?
O where and O where shall we find them,
With the waistcoat so full, and the shovel-hat on,
As our limners in their days designed them?
A sinecure mostly the cure of the souls
To which for attention not giving
They never feared being called over the coals,
They showed forth their fruits of good living.

To the Church they were stanch; they held on with a kind
Of a power like horseleeches' of suction,
Intolerant, bigoted, narrow, and blind,
They but lived to persist in obstruction.
They evermore voted for absolute rule,
For coercion, restraint, and repression,
And exclusion, by tests, from each College and School,
They opposed every kind of concession.

Those Parsons of old are no longer seen here;
Now no more do they hamper this nation.
They are all gone the way of HERR BREITMANN his beer;
They have ceased to obstruct education.
The Church has grown broad, throwing open each door,
Which, the bigot except, each one enters,
And we now, in the place of the Parsons of yore,
Behold cross-grained and jealous Dissenters.

* * * * *

A CARD.

H.R.H. THE PRINCE OF WALES would convey, through his friend, _Mr. Punch_, warmest thanks to all his loyal and loving fellow-subjects for their sympathy, earnest interest, and kind inquiries. In due time H. R. H. hopes to make public acknowledgment of the national feeling which has been so nobly testified.

Meantime, by advice of his friend above mentioned, H. R. H. signifies that he would be particularly obliged if all Mayors, Beadles, Corporations, Cocked Hats, Town Clerks, Silver Maces, Respected Townsmen, and other Activities would kindly allow him some respite before the flood of Conventional Congratulation is turned on. Might he ask to be allowed the quiet and peace permitted to other convalescents? Would Addressers deign to remember that though he is a Prince, "a man's a man for a' that"? A. E. _Sandringham._ RESPECT THIS! =PUNCH.= _Fleet Street._

* * * * *

=Portsmouth or Brighton.=

SHALL the Easter Monday Volunteer Review be holden at Brighton or Portsmouth? This question may have been decided in favour of Brighton by the Sovereign, or by the Shilling, which would have done equally well, to determine the choice by a toss-up; and sufficient for that, indeed, would have been "skying a copper." Brighton has downs adapted for the field of military manoeuvres, but so has Portsmouth; and as to either place, whether you regard the neighbourhood or the inhabitants, it is hard to say which is the more downy.

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=No Mistake in the Name.=

AS "A Thankoffering from India," a contemporary announces that on account of the recovery of the PRINCE OF WALES, a charitable donation of L200 has been sent to London by MR. COWASJEE JEHANGIER READYMONEY. Anybody would have given MR. READYMONEY credit for having earned his name, and now everybody must see that he well deserves it. Is MR. READYMONEY a Parsee? At any rate, he is the reverse of Parsi-monious.

* * * * *

_Groom._ "WHEW'S BEER DO YOU LIKE BEST--THIS 'ERE HOM'BREWED O' FISK'S, OR THAT THERE ALE THEY GIVES YER AT THE WHITE HO'S'?"

_Keeper_ (_critically_). "WELL, O' THE TEW I PREFERS THIS 'ERE. THAT THERE O' WUM'OODS'S DON'T FARE TO ME TO TASTE O' NAWTHUN AT ALL. NOW THIS 'ERE DEW TASTE O' THE CASK!!"]

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=EDUCATIONAL EPIGRAMS.=