Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 152.

February 14th, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

"We will hold up wheat, we will hold up meat, we will hold up munitions of war and we will hold up the world's commerce," says Herr BALLIN. Meanwhile his countrymen on the Western front are content to hold up their hands.

***

It is reported from German Headquarters that the KAISER intends to confer on Count BERNSTORFF the Iron Cross with white ribbon. This has, we understand, caused consternation in official circles, where it is felt that after all the Count has done his best for Germany.

***

"We are at war," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, a statement which only goes to prove that there is nothing hidden from the great minds of Germany.

***

The report that Mr. HENRY FORD has offered to place his works at the disposal of the American authorities seems to indicate that he is determined to get America on his side, one way or the other.

***

Mr. S.F. EDGE, the famous motorist, now on the FOOD CONTROLLER'S staff, has given it as his opinion that a simple outdoor life is best for pigs. We are ashamed to say that our own preference for excluding them from our drawing-room has hitherto been dictated by purely selfish motives.

***

America is making every preparation for a possible war, and Mexico, not to be outdone, has decided to hold a Presidential election.

***

It is true that Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW has visited the Front, but too little has, we think, been made of the fact that he wore khaki--just like an ordinary person, in fact.

***

A sensational story reaches us to the effect that a new journalistic enterprise in Berlin is being devoted to the "reliable reporting of news." We have always maintained that to be successful in business you must strike out on original lines.

***

An exhibition of Zeppelin wreckage has been opened in the Middle Temple Gardens. The authorities are said to be considering an offer confidentially communicated to them by the German Government to add Count ZEPPELIN as an exhibit to the rest of the wreckage.

***

Members of the Honor Oak Golf Club are starting a piggery on their course, and an elderly golfer who practises on a common near London is about to write to _The Spectator_ to state that on Saturday he started a rabbit.

***

The American Association for the Advance of Science decided at a recent convocation that the ape had descended from man. This statement has evoked a very strong protest in monkey circles.

***

The tuck-shops of Harrow have been loyally placed out of bounds by the boys themselves, though of course these establishments, like the playing fields of Eton, had their part in the winning of Waterloo.

***

One of our large restaurants is printing on its menus the actual weight of meat used in each dish. In others, fish is being put on the table accompanied by its own scales.

***

We are requested to carry home our own purchases, and one of the firms for whom we feel sorry is Messrs. FURNESS, WITHY & COMPANY, of Liverpool, who have just purchased Passage Docks, Cork.

***

Australia by organising her Commonwealth Loan Group, once again lives up to her motto, "Advance, Australia."

***

The Coroner of East Essex having set the example of keeping pigs in his rose garden, it is rumoured that _The Daily Mail_ contemplates offering a huge prize for a Standard Rose-Scented Pig.

***

To be in line with many of our contemporaries we are able to state definitely that the War is bound to come to an end, though we have not yet fixed on the exact date.

* * * * *

A FORECAST OF NEXT VALENTINE'S DAY.

_Spinster_ (_reads_). "Dearest, meet me by the scarecrow in Hyde Park."]

* * * * *

AIR-CASTLES.

When I grow up to be a man and wear whate'er I please,
Black-cloth and serge and Harris-tweed--I will have none of these;
For shaggy men wear Harris-tweed, so Harris-tweed won't do,
And fat commercial travellers are dressed in dingy blue;
Lack-lustre black to lawyers leave and sad souls in the City,
But I'll wear Linsey-Woolsey because it sounds so pretty.
I don't know what it looks like,
I don't know how it feels,
But Linsey-Woolsey to my fancy
Prettily appeals.

And when I find a lovely maid to settle all my cash on,
She will be much too beautiful to need the gauds of fashion.
No tinted tulle or taffeta, no silk or crêpe-de-chine
Will the maiden of my fancy wear--no chiffon, no sateen,
No muslin, no embroidery, no lace of costly price,
But she'll be clad in Dimity because it sounds so nice.
I don't know what it looks like,
I do not know its feel,
But a dimpled maid in Dimity
Was ever my ideal.

* * * * *

THE LAST MENU CARD.

"To-day is one of the great moments of history. Germany's last
card is on the table. It is war to the knife. Either she starves
Great Britain or Great Britain starves her."

_Mr. Curtin in "The Times."_

Mr. CURTIN has lost a great chance for talking of "War to the knife-and-fork." Possibly he was away in Germany at the time when this _jeu d'esprit_ was invented.

* * * * *

"The Canadian papers are unanimous that the German peace proposals
are premature, and will be refused saskatoon."

_Examiner_ (_Launceston, Tasmania_).

We had not heard before that Germany had asked for Saskatoon, but anyway we are glad she is not going to get it.

* * * * *

From a schoolgirl's essay:--

"The Reconnaissance was the time when people began to wake up ...
Friar Jelicoe was a very great painter; he painted angles."

Probably an ancestor of the gallant gentleman who recently had a brush with the enemy.

* * * * *

TACTLESS TACTICS.

Were I a burglar in the dock
With every chance of doing time,
With Justice sitting like a rock
To hear a record black with crime;
If my conviction seemed a cert,
Yet, by a show of late repentance,
I thought I might, with luck, avert
A simply crushing sentence;--

I should adopt, by use of art,
A pensive air of new-born grace,
In hope to melt the Bench's heart
And mollify its awful face;
I should not go and run amok,
Nor in a fit of senseless fury
Punch the judicial nose or chuck
An inkpot at the jury.

So with the Hun: you might assume
He would exert his homely wits
To mitigate the heavy doom
That else would break him all to bits;
Yet he behaves as one possessed,
Rampaging like a bull of Bashan,
Which, as I think, is not the best
Means of conciliation.

For when the wild beast, held and bound,
Ceases to plunge and rave and snort,
The Bench, I hope, will pass some sound
Remarks on this contempt of court;
The plea for mercy, urged too late,
Should prove a negligible cipher,
And when the sentence seals his fate
He'll get at least a lifer.

O.S.

* * * * *

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(_The KAISER and Count BERNSTORFF._)

_The Kaiser_ (_concluding a tirade_). And so, in spite of my superhuman forbearance, this is what it has come to. Germany is smacked in the face in view of the whole world--yes, I repeat it, is smacked in the face, and by a nation which is not a nation at all, but a sweeping together of the worst elements in all the other nations, a country whose navy is ludicrous and whose army does not exist; and you, Count, have the audacity to come here into my presence and tell me that, with the careful instructions given to you by my Government and by myself, you were not able to prevent such an end to the negotiations? It is a thing that cannot be calmly contemplated. Even I, who have learnt perhaps more thoroughly than other men to govern my temper--even I feel strangely moved, for I know how deplorable will be the effect of this on our Allies and on the other neutral Powers. Our enemies, too, will be exalted by it and thus the War will be prolonged. No, Count, at such a moment one does not appear before one's Emperor with a smiling face.

_Count B._ God knows, your Majesty, that it is not I who have a smiling face. At such a moment there could be no reason for it. But your Majesty will remember, in justice to myself, that I have not ceased to warn your Majesty from the very beginning that unless something actual and definite was conceded to the feeling of the United States trouble would surely come. First there was the treatment of Belgium--

_The Kaiser_. Bah! Don't talk to me of Belgium and the Belgians. No more ungrateful race has ever infested the earth. Besides, did I not say that my heart bled for Louvain?

_Count B._ The Americans, your Majesty, had the bad taste not to believe you. It was in vain that I spread those gracious words of yours broadcast throughout the land. They only laughed at your Majesty.

_The Kaiser_. Yes, I know they did, curse them.

_Count B._ Then there came the deplorable sinking of the _Lusitania_.

_The Kaiser_. Oh, don't speak to me of the _Lusitania_. I'm sick to death of the very name. Besides, how do you dare to call her sinking deplorable? I authorised it; that ought to be enough for you and for everybody else.

_Count B._ I beg your Majesty's pardon. When I said "deplorable" I was alluding not so much to the act itself as to its effect on opinion in the United States. From that moment the Americans stiffened in their attitude towards us and became definitely and strongly unfavourable. I warned your Majesty of this over and over again, but your Majesty preferred to disregard what I said.

_The Kaiser_. And have you any complaint to make? Is your opinion of yourself so high that one may not without sacrilege disregard your opinion?

_Count B._ Your Majesty is pleased to jest. I am not infallible, not being an Emperor, but I happen in this case to have been right. And then on the top of all the other things comes the Note announcing the new under-sea policy, and the ridiculous offer to allow the Americans to be safe in one ship a week, provided she is painted in a certain way. No, really, with a proud nation--

_The Kaiser_. Proud! A race of huckstering money-grubbers.

_Count B._ With a proud nation--I must repeat it, your Majesty--such a course must lead straight to war. But perhaps that was what your advisers wanted, though I cannot see why they should want it. But for myself I must ask your Majesty to remember that I foretold what has come to pass. There is perhaps yet time to undo the mischief.

_The Kaiser_. No, it is too late.

* * * * *

AS OTHERS SEE US.

The General Officer Commanding, as he appears to:

(1) _His Chief of Staff_.--The one insuperable obstacle to tactical triumphs such as CÆSAR and NAPOLEON never knew.

(2) _His youngest A.D.C._--A perpetual fountain of unsterilized language.

(3) _Certain Subalterns_.--The greatest man on earth.

(4) _Tommy Atkins_.--A benevolent old buffer in scarlet and gold who periodically takes an inexplicable interest in Tommy's belt and brass buttons. An excuse for his sergeant's making him present arms.

(5) _The British Public_.--A name in the newspapers.

(6) _Himself_.--(_a_) Before dinner: An unfortunate, overworked and ill-used old man. (_b_) After dinner: England's hope and Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON'S right hand.

(7) _His Wife_.--A very lovable, but helpless, baby.

* * * * *

From an Indian teacher's report on the progress of his school:--

"A sad experience. Spirits for a time were very high. Our menials
talked of exploits and masters of glory in store. But soon the
famines set in. The treachery of the elements ravished the hopes
of agriculturists, the major portion of the supporters of the ----
school. The puffs of misery bleached white the flush of early and
latter times; dinner-hours grew few and far between; and with the
Sun of Loaf sank all wakefulness to light and culture."

This last feature sounds a little like Berlin.

* * * * *

JOHN BULL. "SACRIFICE INDEED! WHY, I'M FEELING FITTER EVERY MINUTE, AND I'VE STILL PLENTY OF WEIGHT TO SPARE."]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE THREE DICTATORS.

(_Being a tragedy of the moment and incidentally a guide to the art of handing out correspondence to the typist._)