Chapter I

There are, of course, as many styles of dictating letters as there are of writing them; but three stand out. One is the Indignant Confidential; one the Hesitant Tactful; and one the No-Nonsense Efficient. Bitter experience in three orderly London houses only a day or so ago chances to have led to such complete examples of each of these styles that the reader has the felicity of acquiring at the same time a valuable insight into business methods and a glimpse of what Nature in the person of Jack Frost can do with even the best regulated of cities.

We will take first the Hesitant Tactful, where the typist is not merely considered as a human being but invited to become an ally. The dictator is Mr. Vernon Crombie.

"Oh, Miss Carruthers, there's a letter I want to dictate and get off by hand at once, because my house isn't fit to live in through burst pipes. The plumbers promised to send yesterday, but didn't, and to-day they can't come, it seems, and really it's most serious. Ceilings being ruined, you know. The bore is that there aren't any other plumbers that I know of, and one is so at the mercy of these people that we must go very delicately. You understand. We mustn't say a word to set their backs up any higher than they already are. Anger's no good in this case. Here we must be tactful, and I want you to help me. I knew you would.

Now we'll begin. _To Messrs. Morrow & Hope. Dear Sirs,--I hate_--no, that's a little too strong, perhaps--_I much dislike_--that's better--_I much dislike to bother you at a time when I know you must be overworked in every direction_--you see the idea, don't you? What we've got to do is to get on their soft side. It's no use bullyragging them; understanding their difficulties is much better. You see that, don't you? Of course; I knew you would. Now then. Where was I? Oh yes--_overworked in every direction; but if, as you promised yesterday, but unfortunately were unable_--I think that's good, don't you? Much better than saying that they had broken their promise--_to manage, you could spare a man to attend to our pipes without further delay_--I think you might underline _without further delay_. Would that be safe, I wonder? Yes, I think so--_I should be more than grateful._ And now there's a problem. What I have been pondering is if it would be wise to offer to pay an increased charge. I'd do anything to get the pipes mended, but, on the other hand, it's not a sound precedent. A state of society in which everyone bid against everyone else for the first services of the plumber would be unbearable. Only the rich would ever be plumbed, and very soon the plumbers would be the millionaires. Perhaps we had better let the letter go as it is? You think so and I think so. Very well then, just _Believe me, yours faithfully_, and I'll sign it."

And now the Indignant and Confidential. Mr. Horace Bristowe is dictative: "Ah, here you are, Miss Tappit. Now I've got trouble with the plumbers, and I want to give the blighters--well, I can't say it to you, but you know what I mean. There's my house dripping at every pore, or rather pouring at every drip--I say, that's rather good; I must remember that to tell them this evening. Just put that down on a separate piece of paper, will you. Well, here's the place all soaked and not a man can I get. They promised to send on Tuesday, they promised to send yesterday, and this morning comes a note saying that they can't now send till to-morrow. What do you think of that? And they have worked for me for years. Years I've been employing them.

"Let's begin, anyway. _To Messrs. Tarry & Knott. Dear Sirs_--No, I'm hanged if I'll call them dear. Ridiculous convention! They're not dear--except in their charges. I say, that's not bad. No, just put _Gentlemen_. But that's absurd too. They're not gentlemen, the swine! They're anything but gentlemen, they're blackguards, swindlers, liars. Seriously, Miss Tappit, I ask you, isn't it monstrous? Here am I, an old customer, with burst pipes doing endless damage, and they can't send anyone till to-morrow. Really, you know, it's the limit. I know about the War and all that. I make every allowance. But I still say it's the limit. Well, we must put the thing in the third person, I suppose, if I'm not to call them either 'dear' or 'gentlemen.' _Mr. Horace Bristowe presents his comp_--Good Heavens! he does nothing of the kind--_Mr. Horace Bristowe begs to_--Begs! Of course I don't beg. This really is becoming idiotic. Can't one write a letter like an honest man, instead of all this flunkey business? Begin again: _To Messrs. Tarry & Nott. Mr. Horace Bristowe considers that he has been treated with a lack of consideration_--no, we can't have 'considers' and 'consideration' so near together. What's another word for 'consideration'?--_treated with a lack of--a lack of_--Well, we'll keep 'consideration' and alter 'considers.' Begin again: _Mr. Horace Bristowe thinks_--no, that's not strong enough--_believes_--no. Ah, I've got it--_Mr. Horace Bristowe holds that he has been treated by you with a lack of consideration which_--I wonder if 'which' is better than 'that'--_a lack of consideration that, considering his long_--no, we can't have 'considering' just after 'consideration'--_that_--no, _which--which--in view of his long record as_--What I want to say is that it's an infernal shame that after all these years, in which I've put business in their way and paid them scores of pounds, they should treat me in this scurvy fashion, that's what I mean. The swine! I tell you, Miss Tappit, it's infamous. I--(and so on).

The No-Nonsense Efficient businessman, so clear-headed and capable that it is his continual surprise that he is not in the Cabinet without the preliminary of an election, handles his correspondence very differently. He presses a button for Miss Pether. She is really Miss Carmichael, but it is a rule in this model office that the typist takes a dynastic name, and Pether now goes with the typewriter, just as all office-boys are William. Miss Pether arrives with her pad and pencil and glides swiftly and noiselessly to her seat and looks up with a face in which mingle eagerness, intelligence, loyalty and knowledge of her attainments.

"_To Messrs. Promises & Brake_, says the business man,--_Gentlemen comma the pipes at my house were not properly mended by your man yesterday comma and there is still a leakage comma which is causing both damage and inconvenience full stop Please let me have comma in reply to this comma an assurance that someone shall be sent round at once dash in a taxi comma if necessary full stop. If such an assurance cannot be given comma I shall call in another firm and refuse to pay your account full stop. Since the new trouble is due to your employee's own negligence comma I look to you to give this job priority over all others full stop. My messenger waits full stop. I am comma yours faithfully comma._ Let me have it at once and tell the boy to get a taxi."

II.

None of the plumbers sent any men.

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"In some courts the carrying of matches has been regarded as a
light offence, but this will not be the case in future."--_Irish
Times._

We note the implied rebuke to the jester on the Bench.

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SONGS OF FOOD-PRODUCTION.