Chapter I: Front Matter

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 152.

February 21st, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

Count BERNSTORFF, it appears, was very much annoyed with the way in which certain Americans are supporting President WILSON, and he decided to read them a lesson they would not soon forget. So he left America.

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Things are certainly settling down a little in Hungary. Only two shots were fired at Count TISZA in the Hungarian Diet last week.

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The famous Liquorice Factory which has figured so often in the despatches from Kut is again in the hands of our troops. Bronchial subjects who have been confining themselves to black currant lozenges on patriotic grounds will welcome the news.

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The German Imperial Clothing Department has decreed that owners of garments "bearing the marks of prodigal eating" will not be permitted to replace them, and the demand among the elderly dandies of Berlin for soup-coloured waistcoats is said to have already reached unprecedented figures.

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"On the Western front," says _The Cologne Gazette_, "the British are defeated." Some complaints are being made by the Germans on the spot because they have not yet been officially notified of the fact.

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A neutral diplomat in Vienna has written for a sack of rice to a colleague in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians may be on the look-out for the rice, intends to defeat their hopes by substituting confetti.

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By the way the FOOD CONTROLLER may shortly forbid the use of rice at weddings. We have long held the opinion that as a deterrent the stuff is useless.

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"The British," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "what are they? They are snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking, snuffling, vain-glorious wallowers in misery...." It is thought likely that the _Berliner Tageblatt_ is vexed with us.

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Count PLUNKETT, although elected to the House of Commons, will not attend. It is cruel, but the COUNT is convinced that the punishment is no more severe than the House deserves.

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A North of England Tribunal has just given a plumber sufficient extension to carry out a large repair job he had in hand. This has caused some consternation among those who imagined that the War would end this year.

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Lord DEVONPORT'S weekly bread allowance is regarded as extravagant by a lady correspondent, who writes, "In my own household we hardly eat any bread at all. We practically live on toast."

***

An informative contemporary explains that the Chinese eggs now arriving are nearly all brown and resemble those laid in this country by the Cochin China fowl. This, however, is not the only graceful concession to British prejudice, for the eggs, we notice, are of that oval design which is so popular in these islands.

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An _Evening News_ correspondent states that at one restaurant last week a man consumed "a large portion of beef, baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts, two big platefuls of bread, apple tart, a portion of cheese, a couple of pats of butter and a bottle of wine." We understand that he would also have ordered the last item on the menu but for the fact that the band was playing it.

***

A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaurant reports that one "Food Hog" had for luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters, three slices of roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, two vegetables and a roll." The after-luncheon roll is of course the busy City man's substitute for the leisured club-man's after-luncheon nap.

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There is plenty of coal in London, the dealers announce, for those who are willing to fetch it themselves. Purchasers of quantities of one ton or over should also bring their own paper and string.

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One of the rarest of British birds, the great bittern, is reported to have been seen in the Eastern counties during the recent cold spell. In answer to a telephonic inquiry on the matter Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological Gardens, was heard to murmur, "Once bittern, twice shy."

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A stoker, prosecuted at a London Police Court for carrying smoking materials into a munitions factory, explained in defence that no locker had been assigned to him. The Bench thereupon placed one at his disposal for a period of one month.

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On the Somme, says _The Times_, the New Zealand Pioneers, consisting of Maoris, Pakehas and Raratongans, dug 13,163 yards of trenches, mostly under German fire. The really thrilling fact about this is that we have enlisted the sympathy of the Pakehas (or "white men"), who, with the single exception of the Sahibs of India, are probably the fiercest tribe in our vast Imperial possessions.

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The announcement that the Scotland Yard examination will not be lowered for women taxicab drivers has elicited a number of inquiries as to whether "language" is a compulsory or an alternative subject.

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"The feathers are most quickly got rid of by removing them with the skin," says the writer of a recently published letter on "Sparrows as Food." He forgets the very considerable economy which can be achieved by having them baked in their jackets.

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We are glad to note an agitation for a bath-room in every artisan dwelling. Only last week we were pained by a photograph in a weekly paper showing somebody reduced to taking his tub in the icy Serpentine.

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Motto for Housekeepers:--

"WEIGH IT AND SEE."

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NATIONAL SERVICE.

War has taught the truth that shines
Through the poet's noble lines:--
"Common are to either sex
_Artifex_ and _opifex_."

* * * * *

WILLIAM v. THE WORLD.

Doubtless you feel that such a fight
Would be a huge _réclame_ for Hundom;
That Earth would stagger at the sight
Of _Gulielmus contra Mundum;_
That WILLIAM, facing awful odds,
Should prove a spectacle for men and gods.

('Tis true you have Allies who share
The toll you levy for the shambles,
Yet, judging by the frills you wear
In this your most forlorn of gambles,
One might suppose you stood alone
In solitary splendour all your own.)

And if the game against you goes,
As seems, I take it, fairly certain,
The Hero, felled by countless foes,
Should make a rather useful curtain;
You could with honour cry for grace,
Having preserved the thing you call your face.

I shouldn't count too much on that.
The globe is patient, slow and pensive,
But has a way of crushing flat
The objects which it finds offensive;
And when it's done with you, my brave,
I doubt if you will have a face to save.

O.S.

* * * * *

A LOST LEADER.

"Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr. Lloyd
George."--_The Saturday Westminster Gazette._

We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness, and our contemporary has performed a genuine service in recording this pathetic incident, which seems to have escaped all the other reporters of the opening of Parliament.

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"His mother died when he was seven years old, while his father lived to
be nearly a centurion."--_Wallasey and Wirral Chronicle._

Hard lines that he just missed his promotion.

* * * * *

"ROYAL FLYING CORPS.

FLIGHT COMDRS.--Lt. (temp. Capt.) F.P. Don, and to retain his temp.
tank whilst so empld."--_The Times._

We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr. LANCELOT SPEED, in case the popularity of his film, "Tank Pranks," now being exhibited, should call for a second edition.

* * * * *

"Four lb. of bread (or 3 lb. of flour), 2-1/2 lb. of meat, and 3/4 lb. of
sugar--these are the voluntary rations for each person for a week, and
in a household of five persons this works out at 23-1/3 lb. of bread
and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of sugar."--_Weekly Scotsman._

We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one who has the trick of it.

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"WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given, buying for
Government."--_Local Paper._

This may account for the statement in another journal that "the new Administration is going through teething troubles."

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Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an exhibition of original War-Cartoons to be held by his namesake of Australia at 155, New Bond Street, beginning on February 22nd. The cartoons are the work of Messrs. GEORGE H. DANCEY and CHARLES NUTTALL, of the Melbourne _Punch._

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HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(_The PRESIDENT of the United States and Mr. GERARD._)

_The President._ Here you are then at last, my dear Mr. GERARD. I am afraid you have had a long and uncomfortable journey.

_Mr. Gerard._ Don't say a word about that, Mr. President. It's all in the day's work, and, anyhow, it's an immense pleasure to be back in one's own country.

_The President._ Yes, I can well believe that. Living amongst Germans at this time can be no satisfaction to an American citizen.

_Mr. G._ No, indeed, Mr. President; you never said a truer word than that in your life. The fact is the Germans have all gone mad with self-esteem, and are convinced that every criticism of their actions must have its foundations in envy and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too, that, in spite of their successes here and there, the War on the whole has been an enormous disappointment for them, and that the longer it continues the worse their position becomes. The mixture of these feelings makes them grossly arrogant and sensitive to the last degree, and reasonable intercourse with them becomes impossible. No, Mr. President, they are not pleasant people to live amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be away from them.

_The President._ And as to their submarine warfare, do they realise that we shall hold them to what they have promised, and that if they persist in their policy of murder there must be war between them and us?

_Mr. G._ The certainty that you mean what you say has but little effect on them. They argue in this way: Germany is in difficulties; the submarine weapon is the only one that will help Germany, therefore Germany must use that weapon ruthlessly and hack through with it, whatever may be urged on behalf of international law or humanity at large. Humanity doesn't count in the German mind because humanity doesn't wear a German uniform or look upon the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down, therefore, with humanity and, incidentally, with America and all the smaller neutrals who may be disposed to follow her lead.

_The President._ So you think patience, moderation and reasonable argument are all useless?

_Mr. G._ See here, Mr. President, this is how the matter stands. They imagine they can ruin England with their submarines--they 're probably wrong, but that's their notion--but if they give way to America this illegitimate weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than suffer that catastrophe they will defy America. And they don't believe as yet that America means what she says and is determined to fight rather than suffer these outrages to continue. The Germans will try to throw dust in your eyes, Mr. President, while continuing the submarine atrocities.

_The President._ The Germans will soon be undeceived. We will not suffer this wrong, and we will fight, if need be, in order to prevent it. God knows we have striven to keep the peace through months and years of racking anxiety. If war comes it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can lay that reproach upon us. Rather have we striven by all honourable means to avoid it. But we have ideals that we cannot abandon, though they may clash with German ambitions and German methods. There we are fixed, and to give way even by an inch would be to dishonour our country and to show ourselves unworthy of the freedom our forefathers won for us at the point of the sword. That is the conclusion I have come to, having judged these matters with such power of judgment as God has given me.

_Mr. G._ And to that every true American will say Amen.

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SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WORLD AGAINST HIM, SO AS TO SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN."

FERDIE. "I DON'T CARE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG AS I SAVE MY HEAD."

SULTAN. "SAME HERE."]

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"AND WHAT'S YOUR CORPS, MY LAD?"

"PARKS-AND-OPEN-SPACES-WIRE-WORM-CABBAGE-CATERPILLAR-AND-INSECT-PEST- EXTERMINATING-PATROL, SIR."]

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THE WATCH DOGS.