Chapter II

Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a billet better than me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, give us the best of everything in the 'ouse and our lives wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the little Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in consekence. Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we was given one apiece and their end of the table had next to nothin' on when ours was weighed down with sausages and suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues out. But it were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was moved to Mrs. Larkins's that we had a better time in store.

"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she said to the billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody wouldn't like to coddle 'em better than I should, but 'twould be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If 'ardships are in store for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I says, and it won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."

"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to sleep on ready and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who with a woman's heart in her could put you on a feather bed knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth before three weeks is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw on the floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall get used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom to make a draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind over there."

It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim. He's inclined to toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as big as a football. "I _am_ thankful I thought of the winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered terrible if you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster 'ud ease you direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such things as pepper plasters, and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste the luxury of one over 'ere."

Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took out, but Mrs. Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow," she said, "do you think a doctor'll come along with his pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in the trenches? You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew. I'll lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her just at present, he was feelin' a little easier.

She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn you out beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a second time," she said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness, knowin' you'll be fendin' for yourselves in a 'ole in the ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow to do it now. There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall learn 'ow to light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the saucepans out of your way; it ain't likely you'll 'ave saucepans over there."

We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's. She said it made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be grateful to 'er one day for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels for ourselves or go without 'em.

One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked Mrs. Larkins if she would be so kind as to sew it on for him. "Nothin' would please me better than to sew 'em all on, they're mostly 'angin' by a thread," she said; "but do you expect to find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew on your buttons? You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you learn 'ow to do it the better."

We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our other billets, but when the second Sunday come at Mrs. Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a clean shirt we felt obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and a bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is."

When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire to dry; but she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire to dry 'em by over there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em wet." And when we got the rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be without it over there. It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be sorry if I see you limpin' a bit more."

It took us some time in the trenches to get over our 'ardenin' at Mrs. Larkins's.

* * * * *

"The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of paper to be
content with lower shades of whiteness, and generally to refrain from
all demands that would interfere with the desired economy. All that is
asked for is the sacrifice of anæsthetic requirements, in view of
national need."--_East Anglian Daily Times_.

If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is certainly painful and we must insist on an anæsthetic.

* * * * *

THE BOOMING OF BOOKS.

_COMFORT AND JOY'S_
New Books for the Million.

ARROLL BAGSBY'S NEW GIGANTIC NOVEL,
THE SAINT WITH THE SWIVEL EYE.
6/-

A deliciously vivid book, about an utterly adorable Countess, her four husbands and her ultimate conversion to Tolstoianism. Please write for scenario, with Author's portrait in hygienic costume and sandals.

* * * * *

MESSALINA D'URFEY'S NEW ROMANCE,
FAREWELL, VIRTUE.
6/-

Lovers of _In Quest of Crime_ will not fail to be enraptured by this superb vindication of antinomian self-expression.

* * * * *

_By the Author of_ "_The Little Oilcan_,"
MEDITATIONS ON A DUSTBIN.
BY JIMBO JONES.

First Enormous Edition exhausted. Order of
any Dustman.

* * * * *

THE BOOK OF THE HOUR.
THE LUSCIOUS LIFE,
BY ALEXANDER TRIPE
(Author of "The 'Ammy Knife").
_The Novel which was banned in Dahomey!_

"Verax," in _The Daily Lyre_, says, "This is a colossally cerebral book. By the side of Tripe, Balzac is a bungling beginner and Zola a finicking dilettante."

_The Manxman_ says: "A wonderful panorama of the life of a decadent Abyssinian Prince; with full details of his wardrobe, his taste in liqueurs, his emotions and dissipations.... Simply must be read by anyone who wishes to be 'in it.' It is a liberal education in the luscious."

Mr. John Pougher writes in _Saturn_:-- "Tripe is the most nourishing author I know. To adapt Dickens's famous phrase, there is a juiciness in his work which would enchant a scavenger."

2/- _net or three copies for_ 5/- _and four_
(_with 1 lb. of sugar_) _for_ 6/-

* * * * *

GENERAL LITERATURE.
--------
WAS MILTON A MORMON?
BY FLAMMA BELL.
A book for polygamists of all ages.

1/- _net, or_ 1/9 _with 1 lb. of margarine_.

LIFE WITHOUT SOAP.
BY DR. BLACKWELL GRIMES.

How to be happy though unwashed. National
thrift in a nutshell.

_With portrait of the Author in black-and-white_.
1/- _net._

* * * * *

INTIMATE INTERIORS SERIES.
--------
IN A PANTRY AT POTSDAM

(_With Preface by the Man who ate Sauerkraut
with HINDENBURG_).

IN TINO'S BOOTROOM.

IN A SCULLERY AT SOFIA.

IN A SERVANTS' HALL AT
BUDA-PESTH.

* * * * *

* * * * *

SIGNS OF THE TIMES.

[The management of _The Times_, of which the price was raised on Monday
to twopence, is anxious, in view of the paper famine, to restore the
old custom by which this journal was subscribed for jointly or loaned,
whether gratuitously or by newsagents at one penny a perusal. Having
"determined to restrict the sale and encourage the circulation of each
copy in several houses daily, the managers will not hesitate, as a last
resort, to increase the selling price to sevenpence per copy."]

_From_ "_The Evening Uproar_."

BATTLE IN THE WEST-END.

Piccadilly Circus was the scene of an appalling fracas this afternoon. Shortly after two o'clock a quietly-dressed middle-aged man, at present unidentified, was observed stealing cautiously from the Tube station with a thick wad of Treasury notes in one hand and _a copy of "The Times" in the other!_ The sight of this latter seems to have sent several passers-by completely mad. The wretched stranger was instantly set upon, his journal torn from his hand and his limbs very severely mauled. The Treasury notes, unremarked in the fearful _mélée_, fell into the mud and were devoured by a passing Pekinese. Those now in possession of the priceless document were in turn set upon by others, until all Piccadilly Circus became a battlefield. The deplorable behaviour of motor-bus and taxicab drivers added greatly to the carnage, for these men, rendered frantic by the thought of the loot within their reach, repeatedly drove their vehicles into the seething mass of humanity in their efforts to acquire this unthinkable treasure. No official estimate of the casualties is yet to hand.

_Stop Press_.--Reason to believe unknown archdeacon got away West with part of sheet of "Finance and Commerce." Police, specials, military and fire-brigade now in pursuit.

_From the Press generally_.

AMAZING GIFT TO CHARITY.

At Gristie's to-day there will be put up for auction an unread and unsoiled copy of yesterday's _Times_. The donor of this superb gift desires to remain anonymous, but his incredible generosity is expected to benefit charity to the extent of several thousand pounds.

_From_ "_The New Britain_."

SOMETHING LIKE PATRIOTISM.

A sterling example of patriotism has just come to the notice of the Rag and Bones Controller. A copy of _The Times_ (including the Uruguay Supplement of 94 pages), issued four months ago, was purchased, under permit of the R. and B. Controller, by Baron Goldenschein, who read it from the top of col. 1, page 1, to the foot of col. 6, page 108. The entire household then read from col. 1, page 1, to col. 6, page 108. Baron Goldenschein tells us that his cook with difficulty could be persuaded to tear herself away from the Uruguay Supplement. All the tenants on the estate--some eighty souls--then enjoyed the paper, each tenant in turn posting it to relatives in various parts of the United Kingdom. At the end of three months it is estimated that over one thousand persons had read this copy of _The Times_. The Baron also informs us that each post brings him a fragment of the paper from remote parts of the country. When sufficient fragments have been collected and pasted together the whole will be despatched to those residents in the Isle of Man who have never heard of _The Times_.

_From_ "_The Wiggleswick Weekly_":--

IMPORTANT NOTICE.

From Monday next the price of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ (with which is incorporated _The Bindleton Advertiser_ and _The Swashborough Gazette_) will be 17_s._ 6_d._ per copy. If this--the forty-seventh--increase in price does not bring about the desired reduction in circulation we shall unhesitatingly advance the price to £1 9_s._ 5-3/4_d._ per copy. The management of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ is determined, at no matter what sacrifice, to limit the circulation to forty copies weekly.

* * * * *

From an ecclesiastical magazine:--

"The Vicar of ---- has promised to address our branch of the C.E.M.S.
as soon as he can arrange a fine and moonlight evening."

We should be greatly obliged if the reverend gentleman would let us have the prescription. There should be money in it.

* * * * *

* * * * *

SOME MORE BAD WORDS.

In a recent verse adventure
I compiled "a little list"
Of the verbs deserving censure,
Verbs that "never would be missed";
Now, to flatter the fastidious,
Suffer me the work to crown
With three epithets--all hideous--
And one noisome noun.

First, to add to the recital
Of the words that gall and irk,
Is the old offender "vital,"
Done to death by overwork;
Only a prolonged embargo
On its use by Press and pen
Can recall this kind of _argot_
Back to life again.

I, in days not very distant,
Though the memory gives me pain,
From the awful word "insistent"
Did not utterly refrain;
Once it promised to refresh us,
Seemed to be alert enough;
Now I loathe it, laboured, precious--
Merely verbal fluff.

Thirdly, in the sheets that daily
Cater for our vulgar needs,
There's a word that figures gaily
In reviewers' friendly screeds,
Who declare a book's "arresting,"
Mostly, it must be confessed,
Meaning just the problem-questing
Which deserves arrest.

Last and vilest of this bad band
Is that noun of gruesome sound,
"Uplift," which the clan of _Chadband_
Hold in reverence profound;
Used for a dynamic function
'Tis a word devoid of guile,
Only as connoting unction
It excites my bile.

_Why, fastidious poetaster,
Waste your energy and breath
Like a petulant schoolmaster
Only doing words to death?
Needlessly you slate and scourge us;
War, that sifts and tries and tests,
May be safely left to purge us
Of these verbal pests._

* * * * *

England, February, 1917.--"The great loan land."

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, February 12th_.--Question-time, which towards the end of last Session was extended by a quarter-of-an-hour, to-day reverted to its old limits. Consideration for overworked officials was assigned as the reason, but I think the House as a whole was rather relieved at the disappearance of what was often a _triste quart d'heure_. One can easily have a surfeit of the piquant humours of Mr. GINNELL, Mr. KING and the rest of the _Rosa Dartles_ of the House.

The new Administration received some useful support from an unexpected quarter. Mr. MCKENNA, a little disturbed, perhaps, by the discovery that he had been a trifle of 350 millions out in his Budget estimate of the cost of the War, was fain to rebuke the Government for proposing two big Votes of Credit on one day. This unprecedented demand, he insisted, must have some dark purpose behind it. Were the Government contemplating a General Election? Mr. BONAR LAW quietly reminded him that exactly the same thing had been done this time last year when Mr. MCKENNA himself was at the Exchequer.

"Luff, boy, luff," whispered Mr. ASQUITH to his discomfited lieutenant, who thereupon went off on another tack and proceeded to express doubts as to the wisdom of over-sea expeditions. But his course was again unfortunate. "Why did you go to Salonika?" interjected a voice from below the Gangway. As Major GODFREY COLLINS afterwards observed, neither the House nor the country will stand much criticism of the new Government by members of the old one.

_Tuesday, February 13th_.--Lord BERESFORD, in latter days heard with difficulty in the House of Commons, has found his voice again in the ampler air of the Gilded Chamber. His speech this afternoon on the submarine peril and how to defeat it might have wakened the echoes in the Admiralty at the far end of Whitehall. It evoked an admirable reply from Lord LYTTON, who, though not exactly a typical British tar in appearance, has evidently absorbed a full measure of the sea-spirit. Necessarily reticent as to the exact nature of the steps that are being taken to deal with the sea-highwaymen, he made the comforting announcement that already we had achieved very considerable success. This was endorsed by Lord CURZON, who revealed the interesting fact that he too is now a member of the Board of Admiralty, and was able to state that, after two years of "frightfulness," the British mercantile marine was only a small fraction below its tonnage at the commencement.

The British revolution goes on apace. The Game Laws, over which so many Parliamentary battles have been fought, were swept away in a moment this afternoon when Captain BATHURST announced in his usual level tones that British farmers would in future be allowed to destroy pheasants with as little compunction as if they were rabbits, and with no regard to the sacredness of close-time.

After this momentous announcement, which transforms (subject to the opinion of the law-officers) every tenant-farmer into a pheasant-proprietor, Members took a little time to recover their breath. But some of them were soon hard at work again heckling the Government over the multiplication of new departments and secretariats. Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, whose reverence for the Constitution (save in so far as it applies to Ireland) knows no bounds, could hardly contain his fury at the setting up of a War Cabinet--"a body utterly unknown to the law"--and the inclusion therein of Ministers without portfolios but with salaries.

He received a certain amount of rather gingerly support from Mr. RUNCIMAN and Mr. SAMUEL, who had evidently not forgotten what happened to Mr. MCKENNA yesterday. Mr. SAMUEL was a distinguished Member of a Government under which both the Ministry and the bureaucracy were swollen in peace-time to unprecedented size; but that did not prevent him from complaining that under the present _régime_ the Administration had been further magnified until, if all its members, including Under-Secretaries, were present, they would fill not one but three Treasury Benches. Already it is a much-congested district at Question-time and is the daily scene of a Great Push.

If underlying these criticisms there was a hope that they would draw the PRIME MINISTER from the seclusion of his private room, it was doomed to disappointment. Mr. BONAR LAW, asserting his position as Leader of the House, and not, as some people seemed to imagine, the PRIME MINISTER'S deputy, made a spirited defence of the new Ministerial arrangements as being essential for the conduct of the War, and challenged his opponents, if they wanted to make sure of the PRIME MINISTER'S presence, to move a Vote of Censure.

At Question-time Mr. LAW had instructed the House how to discover the emblems on the new Treasury Note--the rose, the thistle, the shamrock and the daffodil (this last for Wales). On the Treasury Bench the daffodil is rarely to be descried; but the thistle is in full bloom all the time.

_Wednesday, February 14th_.--To-day the Vice-Chamberlain of the Household bore a message from the KING in reply to the Address. The House on these occasions is apt to be less interested in the message than in the messenger, and watches eagerly to see if he will trip in his backward march from the Chair, or forget one of the customary three bows. The present holder of the office does his work so featly and with such obvious enjoyment as to give a new significance to the phrase ... "With nods and BECKS and wreathèd smiles."

Most of us only remember the late King THEBAW of Burma as a bloodthirsty and dissipated despot. It has been reserved for Sir JOHN REES to find a redeeming feature in his character. Among all his crimes, he never, it seems, prohibited the consumption of drink in his realm, though I fancy that his own efforts in that line considerably reduced the amount available for his subjects. Implored by the hon. Member not to turn Burma into a "dry" State, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN would say nothing more than that he declined (very properly) to take THEBAW as his model.

No Leader of the House, perhaps, since Sir STAFFORD NORTHCOTE'S time has occupied a more difficult position than Mr. BONAR LAW. But he is daily becoming more at home in the saddle, and can even venture upon a joke or two. Mr. PRINGLE opposed the suspension of the Eleven-o'clock Rule on the ground, _inter alia_, that "he only wanted to get away." "That," said Mr. LAW suavely, "is a result which can easily be attained," and the House, which is getting a little weary of Mr. PRINGLE'S frequent and acidulated interposition, noted his discomfiture with approving cheers.

_Thursday, February 15th_.--Lord CURZON, in a happy phrase, described the late Duke of NORFOLK as "diffident about powers which were in excess of the ordinary." Is not that true of the British race as a whole? Only now, under the stress of a long-drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and strength of its latent forces.

There are, of course, exceptions to this rule--strong men who are fully conscious of their strength. Lord MIDLETON, for example, who sought a comprehensive return of all the buildings commandeered and staffs employed by the multifarious new Ministries, and was told that to provide it would put too great a strain on officials fully engaged on work essential to winning the War, promptly replied that if the Government would give him access to their books he would draw up a return in a couple of days. Either the evil has been greatly exaggerated or Lord MIDLETON is a super-statistician for whose services another hotel or two ought to be immediately secured.

* * * * *

_Sergeant_. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR; HE'S IN FOR A COMMISSION."]

* * * * *

"Black billy, 11 months, dam good milker; 10s."--_The Bazaar_.

It's no use swearing; we simply don't believe it.

* * * * *

"This week three crows had landed at Cardiff who had been sunk by
submarines twice, and in some cases three times."--_Manchester
Guardian._

If only they had stayed in the crow's-nest this might not have happened.

* * * * *

"Matrimony.--Gentleman coming into means desires to correspond with
Lady having means; this is genuine."--_Scotch Paper_.

But suppose she won't have him; would he be "coming into means" then?

* * * * *

THE QUESTION OF THE DAY.

What are a rational nation's national rations?

* * * * *

"Outwardly, this has been a week devoted both at home and abroad to
preparation for the campaign in the spring. Actually, a great deal of
water has passed under the Thames."--_Liverpool Paper._

Something seems to have gone wrong with the Thames tunnel.

* * * * *

From a report of Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech at Liverpool:--

"When the War was over there would be parties again. (A voice, 'I hope
not.') Yes, there would be parties--no free country with free
institutions was ever without them--but he did not think they would be
quite the sane parties."--_The Times_.

But were they ever?

* * * * *

"A telegram from Budapest ... announces that the newspaper 'A Nap' has
been suppressed by the Hungarian Government for publishing an article
the contents of which were considered to be dangerous to the interests
of the war campaign."--_Westminster Gazette_.

We are sorry to hear this. We used to take "A Nap" pretty regularly of an evening, and must now forgo this simple luxury.

* * * * *

_Farmer_. "WHAT'S WRONG WI' THE BEER? AIN'T THERE ENOUGH 'OPS FOR YOU?"

_Giles_. "'OPS? THE ONLY 'OP THAT'S EVER 'AD WERE OUT O' THE BLOOMIN' WELL!"]

* * * * *

THE ART OF DETACHMENT.

(_Being a letter from a cloistered lady visiting London to her sister in the Shires._)

My dear Ruth,--Beginning at the beginning, let me tell you that you must at once go to the station to inquire how it is that they forced me to pay thirty shillings for my ticket, instead of one pound. Although the price one pound is printed on the ticket, I couldn't get it until I had paid ten shillings extra. There was no time to get a proper explanation, so I want you to do so. Very likely it is sheer blackmail by that man in the booking-office, whom I never cared for. You had better see the station-master about it.

The next thing I want to tell you is that most of our ideas of London are wrong. You remember how we used to be told about its wonderful lighting at night, and the comfort of its hotels, and the bright shops, and the crowds of taxis, and so on. Well, this isn't true at all. So far from being well-lighted, I assure you that our few little streets and market square are a blaze compared with this city. Some streets here are absolutely dark, and even in the great thoroughfares there is so little light that crossing the road is most perilous. The thing could be put right in a moment if they would only see to it that the lamps were cleaned; I looked closely at several of them and I could see exactly what was wrong--a coat of grimy stuff has accumulated on the glass. Now to get this off would be quite easy, but it does not seem to have occurred to anyone to do it. I suppose that London is very badly managed; and here again I think the advantage lies with us, for I am certain that our District Council would never allow such a state of things. Probably the LORD MAYOR is lazy.

The funny thing is that there is plenty of good light, only they don't know how to apply it. Every night, directly it begins to be dark, great streams of light are turned on from all parts of the city; but would you believe it, they are directed, not downwards so that they could illumine the street, but upwards into the empty sky! If the Chairman of our District Council could see this, how he would laugh! I wish you would tell him.

Then there is coal. I went, as we arranged, first to the Jerusalem Hotel, but it was like ice. When I asked the hotel people why the central heating was not on, they said that there is no coal. At least it seems that there is coal, but no one to deliver it. Just think of our coal-merchant returning such a reply to us when the cellar was getting empty. But in London they seem to be ready to put up with any excuse. Why the men who ought to deliver the coals are not made to, I can't imagine. Anyhow, as I was freezing, I moved into lodgings, where there is coal, although an exorbitant price is asked for each scuttle.

The great topic of conversation everywhere has been some new speculation called the War Loan, and I have to confess that as it is so well spoken of and is to pay the large dividend of 5-1/4 per cent. I have arranged to invest something for each of us in it. I don't know who the promoter--a Mr. BONAR LAW--is, but it would be awful for us if he turned out to be a JABEZ BALFOUR in disguise. Still, nearly all investment is a gamble, and we can only hope for the best. He must have some peculiar position or the papers would not support his venture as they do; and there is even a campaign of public speakers through the country, I am told, taking his prospectus as their text and literally imploring the people to invest. Quite like the South Sea Bubble we read of in MACAULAY; but please Heaven it won't turn out to be another.

I asked the landlady here about it, but she knew nothing, except that her family could not afford to put anything in. "But your daughters earn very good money," I said. "That's true," she replied, "but all that they have over after their clothes, poor girls, they spend on the theatre or the pictures; and I'm glad to think they can do so. I wouldn't grudge them their pleasures, not I."

Judging by the crowded state of all the myriad places of entertainment in this city there are millions who are like them. But I couldn't help thinking that if so much money seems really to be needed, and this Mr. LAW is really a public benefactor, it might not be a bad idea to try to divert some of the thousands of pounds being paid every day in London alone for sheer amusement. Of course if England had the misfortune to be at war most of these places would naturally be shut up.

By the way, Germans are strangely unpopular in London just now. I have heard numbers of people, all in different places, such as the Tube and omni-buses and tea-shops, using very strong terms about them. It has been quite a series of coincidences.

No more for the present from

Your affectionate

LOUISA.

* * * * *

"I DON'T WANT TO."

"BUT YOU MUST, BOBBY. COME ALONG AT ONCE."

"ALL RIGHT, THEN. I SHALL PRAY FOR THE GERMANS."]

* * * * *

SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.