Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 08, May 21, 1870

Chapter I: Front Matter

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PUNCHINELLO

SATURDAY, MAY 21, 1870.

PUBLISHED BY THE

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,

83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.]

Teacher. "BY THE BY, DEAR, CAN YOU LEND ME A COUPLE OF SMALL PUPILS FOR ANNIVERSARY, MY CLASS IS SO LITTLE? YOU SHALL HAVE THEM BACK AGAIN NEXT SUNDAY."]

* * * * *

THE GREAT CANAL ENTERPRISE.

[FROM OUR SPECIAL BOSTON CORRESPONDENT.]

BOSTON, May 8th, 1870.

We Bostonians are greatly surprised that your valuable journal has as yet taken no notice of the great undertaking of the century--the Cape Cod Canal. However, you New-Yorkers are quite out of the world, and unless you read the Boston _Transcript_ regularly, can not be expected to know much about the enterprises with which the earnest men of the nation are occupied. The great Cape Cod Canal is, however, not meant simply for the benefit of the Bostonian nation, but for the commerce of the civilized world. It is destined to work a more important revolution in the trade of Plymouth, Barnstable, and Nantucket, than the Suez or Darien Canals.

Of course you are familiar with the peculiar conformation of Cape Cod. It juts out into the Atlantic like an immense elbow, and, indeed, is understood to be modelled after the brawny arm of the gallant CHARLES SUMNER. Vessels passing between ports on the western and those on the southern coast of Massachusetts, are now obliged to make a wide _detour_ in order to circumnavigate the Cape. It is now proposed to cut a canal across the Cape just where it juts out from the mainland, and thus avoid the tedious circumnavigation. The enormous importance of this work will be at once perceived. The Canal will be nearly four miles in length, and will be made of a uniform width of four feet, with a depth of two. This gigantic undertaking will of course cost an immense amount of time and money, but under the able supervision of ELKANAH HOPKINS, the gifted engineer who constructed the board-walk in front of Deacon BREWSTER'S house, at Standish Four Corners, there can be no doubt of its success. Advantage will be taken of the duck-pond of Captain JEHOIAKIM BROWN, which is situated in the course of the proposed canal. By leading the Canal directly through this pond, at least a quarter of a mile of excavation will be avoided. M. DE LESSEPS is known to have decided upon making a similar use of the Bitter Lakes in the construction of his Suez ditch, after having seen ELKANAH HOPKINS' plans for our great Cape Cod Canal. Vessels will hereafter pass through this Canal instead of taking the long voyage around the Cape; and it is believed that the _saving_ which will be effected in the transportation of cod-fish and garden-sass by the consequent shortening of the voyage, will be something enormous. There are those who believe that the Canal will yield a yearly revenue of from eighty to ninety dollars in tolls alone. It is understood that the European Governments have already proposed to the Mayors of Boston and Barnstable to guarantee the neutrality of the Canal in case of war; but it is not possible that the proposition will be acceded to. Bostonians should have the exclusive control of this magnificent work, and the Selectmen of several of our prominent towns have drawn up petitions against the proposition of neutrality. The opening of the Canal will be the most splendid pageant of modern times. Mrs. JULIA WARD HOWE will recite an original poem on the occasion; Mr W. H. MURRAY will preach a sermon; Mrs. STOWE will read a new paper on BYRON, and the State authorities will proclaim a solemn day of fasting and festivity. A procession of ten fishing-schooners, headed by a flat-boat, containing the Mayors and Selectmen of all the Massachusetts towns, will pass through the Canal. After this, literary exercises are ended; and the following month will be devoted to the delivery of an oration by Hon. CHARLES SUMNER, on "The Classical Ditches of Ancient Times, and their Influence on the Cause of Truth and Freedom."

You, and the minor New-York papers, expect to devote most of your space to this wonderful undertaking. It is more important than any event which has taken place since the election of Mr. SUMNER to the Senate. It is a subject which will interest all your earnest readers, who will be greatly obliged to me for calling your attention to it.

A FRIEND OF FREEDOM.

* * * * *

OLD SAWS RE-SET.

That must be a pernicious agitation of the circumambient atmosphere, which conduces not to the benefit of any individual.

The common table utensil which is too frequently conveyed to the fountain, to obtain the thirst-slaking beverage, will ultimately become fractured.

By devoting our attention chiefly to the smaller copper coin, the larger denominations represented by paper currency will require no _surveillance_.

Persons who inhabit residences composed of a brittle, transparent, silicious material, should refrain from forcibly casting fragments of granite, etc.

When the optic image of a given object is not projected upon the _retina_ of the visual medium, that object fails to be desired by the chief vital organ of the human anatomy.

When the vigilant feline quadruped, frequently observed in the abodes of man, is absent, the common domestic animal of the _genus mus_ may indulge in various relaxations of an entertaining nature.

* * * * *

Common Pleas.

Pleas of Temporary Insanity.

* * * * *

A Standard Work.

J. RUSSEL YOUNG'S new paper.

* * * * *

Drugs in the Market.

An English chemist has discovered a process by which wood of any kind can be dyed a beautiful and permanent violet hue.

Should that chemist fail to succeed in his profession, he might profitably turn his attention to writing for the stage, seeing that he has a decided turn for Dye-a-Log.

* * * * *

THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.

Legs have heretofore been inseparable in the public mind from LYDIA THOMPSON. Her successes have varied inversely as the length of her trunk-hose. She has built up her reputation by "break-downs," and has clutched the burlesque diadem with, innumerable bounds of her elastic legs. Now, however, she has grown weary of offering up her fatted calves at the shrine of a prodigal New-York audience, and desires to hide the lightness of her legs under a bustle and crinoline. Wherefore she exchanges her PIPPIN for a MOSQUITO, and appears in serious instead of comic burlesque.

_Mosquito_ is a play written expressly for Miss THOMPSON, by DUMAS _pere_. There is the more reason to believe this assertion, inasmuch as DUMAS, or somebody else, has already written it expressly for a variety of other people. It was written for MENKEN, under the title of "_The Pirates of the Savannah_," some six years since, and was written for somebody else and played at the Porte St. Martin about seventeen years ago. We should not be surprised if the "Veteran Observer" of the _Times_ were prepared to prove that it was written expressly for him about the year 1775. In view of these facts, no one will regard it as improbable that it was also written for Miss THOMPSON. Be that as it may, however, there is no doubt that Miss THOMPSON appeared in it on Monday evening last, and that the following synopsis is much more accurate than even the play itself.

After an overture, performed principally on an exasperating drum, the curtain rises on a scene in a seaport town in South America, or, to be exact, in Bolivia. Various disreputable pirates, whose appearance is a libel on a profession adorned by such men as Captain EYRE and the managers of cheap American republishing houses, conspire together in such mysterious words as these:

_Valderrama (a pirate chief.)_ "To-night we must--"

_Pierre (a comic pirate.)_ "We will, or--"

_Val., etc._ "You have your--?"

_Pierre._ "I have; and--"

_Both Together._ "S-s-s-s-h. Some one comes. Swear to--"

_Enter_ LYDIA THOMPSON, _clothed on with crinoline._ (_To various pirates._) "Well! How's things? Are you still the--?"

_Various Pirates._ "We are; and if--"

_Enter_ BRENTANO, _the father of_ LYDIA. _He addresses her in tender accents._ "Me cheyild, the hour is come. I must away. _(To Valderrama.)_ Shall we--?"

_Val., etc._ "We shall. Come, my friend, and--"

_They come. Scene changes to a lonely glen. Comic Pirate explains to_ LYDIA _the secret of her birth in terms which leave it more unintelligible than ever. Various pirates conspire to murder_ BRENTANO. _Scene again changes to_ BRENTANO'S _garden. Various pirates enter and shoot the old man. Applause. Somebody sets the house on fire. Enter_ LYDIA _disguised in boy's clothes. She vows eternal fidelity to_ VALDERRAMA _The audience wildly welcome her familiar legs, and the curtain falls amid tempestuous applause and the frantic beating of the fiendish drum._

_Rather Dull Old Gentleman._ "I can't make out what it's all about. Why does she want to follow VALDERRAMA when she knows he has killed her father?"

_Theatrical Person, who has seen the manuscript play._ "Don't you see? She means to avenge herself by reading the _Nation_ to him, or by singing Shoo-fly. She'll make his life a burden."

_Dull Old Gentleman._ "Oh! I see. But will she turn pirate, too?"

_Theatrical Person._ "By no means. There were no strong-minded women on the Spanish main. The pirates were bad enough, but they didn't have all the vices of the present day. She'll go to Paris with VALDERRAMA, and he will take the title of MARQUIS of FONSECA, and live sumptuously on old BRENTANO'S money. Just you wait and see."

_Curtain rises on second act, showing the Hotel Fonseca, at Paris. Several French noblemen repeat ponderous witticisms to one another. Enter Miss_ MARKHAM _with clothes on. She represents the icy_ DIANA DE MAULEON.

_Diana._ "Mon Doo! there is my lover LEON DE BEAULIEU. I won't have him, for he ain't rich enough."

_Leon._ "Mademosel! I love you."

_Diana._ "Mosshure, what's your name? who are your parents? and what's your income?"

_Leon._ "Alas! I have none."

_Diana._ "Then leave. Ah! Good evening, Mosshure, the MARQUIS DE FONSECA."

_Fonseca (aside.)_ "LEON is the son of somebody, I forget who. Never mind, I'll murder him and marry DIANA."

_Mosquito (in other words, Lydia Thompson in a dress that shows her legs.)_ "I love LEON. I must save him. I will save him."

_Scene changes to an inn on the coast within a few yards of Paris. Enter_ PIERRE _and other pirates. They conspire to murder_ LEON _and the French language. Enter_ MOSQUITO _disguised as a serving maid. She dances, sings, and overhears the plot. Enter_ LEON _in order to be murdered. By a neat little stratagem_ MOSQUITO _contrives to have the pirates shoot each other, and saves_ LEON. _Curtain falls, followed by more maddening performances on the drum._

_Dull Old Gentleman._ "I begin to see into it a little; but who is LEON, and why does FONSECA want to murder him?"

_Theatrical Person._ "Well, I can't just now remember. It is all cleared up in the last scene, though. You see, MOSQUITO is the daughter of BRENTANO, who was killed. She has another father who comes on later. Somebody else is LEON'S father, and you see FONSECA is the brother--no, the aunt of PIERRE--no, that's not it precisely--but you'll see."

_Dull Old Gentleman (doubtfully.)_ "I hope so; but that infernal drum makes such a noise that I can hardly think. Who is that tall, awkward woman with the turned-up nose, who plays 'DIANA?'"

_Theatrical Person._ "Hush, GRANT WHITE is sitting right behind you. That is Miss MARKHAM, and she is considered to be very handsome. She is a little awkward in clothes, but she'll get used to them in time."

_The third act begins. Every body, from the Comic Pirate down to a Dramatic Writer who is in the play, go to a ball at the Palace Gardens._ MOSQUITO, _disguised as a Gipsy, dances and tells cheerful fortunes. Fonseca proposes for_ DIANA'S _hand and roars the subject over in a private conversation with her father, while he and the old gentleman stand on opposite sides of the garden. Every body quarrels with every body else. The Comic Pirate challenges_ LEON _to fight a duel, intending to murder him._ MOSQUITO, _backed by the_ REGENT _of_ ORLEANS _and the entire court, stops the duel and denounces_ FONSECA. _The latter tries to murder her and is shot by the Comic Pirate. Then explanations take place, by which every body is proved to be the father or daughter of every body else, and the play is ended by an appropriate suggestion from the_ REGENT, _that the entire party should engage in a congratulatory dance._

_Dull Old Gentleman._ "Well, I must say I don't understand any thing about it. I can't even make out the different actors. Who is the rather pretty, fat woman, dressed like a boy. She don't act a bit, but she dances nicely."

_Theatrical Person._ "Why, that is LYDIA THOMPSON. The play was written for her, you know."

_Dull Old Gentleman (evidently getting irritable.)_ "All I've got to say is this, that I don't know which is the worse, she or the play. What is the stage coming to? In my day we used to have something like acting at the old Park. Ah, there was PLACIDE, and ELLEN TREE, and--"

The old gentleman goes slowly out, muttering reminiscences from ancient history. A tall, intellectual-looking man is seen to withdraw into the grass-plat in the court-yard, and is there heard to appeal to the chimney-pots and stars to note the surpassing beauty of the vocal velvet of the fair MARKHAM. And the undersigned wends his way homeward with the conviction that _Hamlet_, with the part of HAMLET omitted, would be intelligible and attractive in comparison with LYDIA THOMPSON and PAULINE MARKHAM with their legs banished from public view. MATADOR.

* * * * *

PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET.

The great art of Doing others as they would like to Do you has always commended itself to PUNCHINELLO as a very happy rendering of a certain fusty old rule which, in its original shape, did very well some nineteen hundred years ago, but is altogether out of date in these brisk times. Hence the gambols of the merry bulls in that Broad Street which leadeth to DIVES palace are just now highly entertaining. In that illustrious quarter of this amazing metropolis there is a beautiful game going on which is vastly more interesting to watch than to join in, and this little game is much as follows:

A number of the members of that worthy family of undoubted ancestry and opulence, and known the world over as the "Cliques," have gone into the dairy business. The cheese-presses are kept and the churning is done in the big offices by the wayside; but the milking is carried on in a very Long Room, found, from considerable experience, to be peculiarly adapted to this profitable line of trade. Now in the pastoral realms of Finance, it is an odd fact that not only is the milk all cream, and golden cream into the bargain, but it is sometimes hard to tell which are the dairy-maids and which are the kindly animals with the crumpled horns which furnish the lacteal supply which is so particularly sought after. Of course every body wants as much cream as possible, and all have faith that, at the nick of time, it will be given to them to milk instead of the other thing. There is a pleasant amusement known among juveniles as "SIMON says up," etc. This is the very milk in the stock-market cocoanut. When some great member of the big Clique family cries "DANIEL says up," and every body shouts by mistake "DANIEL says down," then the Long Room does a very huge business indeed, and the number of cheeses made is marvellous to relate. When, on the contrary, Clique says "down," and the crowd cries "up," and it really should be up, then the great Clique discover that their dairy-maids have become the other thing, and that all the cheese is going the other side of the way. This is exceedingly damaging to the Clique firm; and as it is very painful indeed to be the other thing, since it makes sore heads and brings on a tendency to "bust," requiring much careful nursing to recover from the effect, the Clique family is always careful to arrange every thing in a manner that shall best insure the monopoly of the lacteal element to itself.

At present the Cliques have made, most excellent provisions. It is a rule that nothing so stimulates the production of cream in the financial pastures as that curious esculent the greenback. Oddly enough, also, although this esculent la greatly sought after by the other useful animals in Uncle SAM'S plantation, yet, from one and another cause, vast quantities of this exhilarating food have been amassed in and around the banks of Wall street--those banks where the woodbine vainly twineth, and by whoso side our allegory unhappily lies. With plenty of greenbacks, therefore, to make every one gay and festive, with the pumps hard at work to keep the stocks well watered, and with all sorts of devices to lead the Street family (and a very low but ambitious and prolific family it is) to cry "up" when DANIEL says "down," the jubilant Cliques have set their mind upon a thriving Spring business.

PUNCHINELLO gazes down upon the game with equal and serene mind. Since all wish to milk and not to be the other thing, and as it is not clear which is going to be which, he is content to watch the cheeses as they come from the press, and to declare that they at least are seemly and good to behold. If PUNCHINELLO could only believe that the Street family was likely to succeed, he would certainly doff his cap to them. Success is beautiful. It is to Do others as they would Do you. That is the Nineteenth Century. It is, therefore, sublime. One gets exhausted in hurrahing for the Cliques. They are always getting the best of it. But the Street people need encouragement. It is not pleasant to be the other thing. And if the bloated Clique party are not some time brought to a turn, the day will come when we shall find all Clique and no cheese--a consummation devoutly _not_ to be wished for!

* * * * *

"Too Much for Good Nature,"

The acting at Wood's Museum.

* * * * *

A Question for the "Veteran Observer,"

Who was the "Oldest Inhabitant"--Old PARR, or old Grand Par?

* * * * *

Miss-Conductors.

The young ladies who bring back the Trains.

* * * * *

FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.

[BY ATLANTIC CABLE.]

GREAT BRITAIN.

Having a peculiar privilege as the correspondent of PUNCHINELLO, I was on the floor of the House of Commons when Mr. GLADSTONE made his short speech, on the 25th, about England and possessions. I was standing by the O'DONOHUE when the Minister said, "_A free and voluntary contract is the only basis for continued union._" I whispered to O'DONOHUE--Good for Ireland! He did me the honor to repeat it aloud; but the Minister's answer was not heard.

Mr. EASTWICK had just been making a speech about "tightening colonial relations." The _Press Ass_ made this charge somebody or other with "making tight the Colonel's relations." It was just like that fellow. I only succeeded by chance in saving him from sending across some stuff about the Cardinal Archbishop of CRANBERRY, instead of CHAMBERY. I got a dispatch from, him quoting the _Virago_ of Paris--meaning the _Figaro_, of course. And then that _Schema_; a Sphinx could not have made it more of a puzzle, whether he meant that the bishops voted that the Pope should be _deified_, or _defied_, or that the _de fide_ should pass by their vote.

CYRUS W. FIELD has been here, in communication with AIRY, the astronomer Royal, about a telegraph to the moon. A lunatic observation makes it wax plain that it will not be in wane to attempt it. STOKES and HUGGINS, moreover, have been taking views of people through the spectroscope. _Absorption bands_ are very striking in the _spectra_ of the ROTHSCHILDS and other bankers. _Bright lines_ are seen in TENNYSON and WILLIAM MORRIS; _dark lines_ in SWINBURNE.

Gaseous substances are shown to exist in certain bodies and people; a great deal of gas was discovered in VICTOR HUGO. Traces of iron are visible in NAPOLEON III; and still more, at the last observations, n BISMARCK. VICTOR EMMANUEL had more of the phosphorus; the Pope, of sulphur; the PRINCE of WALES, of mercury; the editor of the _Times_, of lead. GARIBALDI and MAZZINI have a carbon-ari appearance through the instrument; with some look of nitrous incandescence, also. Laughing-gas is evidently abundant in PUNCH.

The Lords of the Admiralty have observed that Mr. HALE has proposed in Congress a 16 million bill for a new American navy. It will be at once proposed to the House of Commons that 32 millions be spent in iron-clads here. And the Cabinet of the French Emperor have already prepared their little bill, demanding of the _Corps Legislatif_ a sum of sixty-four millions for monster ships. All this is, of course, encouraging. Mr. HALE had better try again,

Of course you have heard of the great Fenian raid, which really is to come off. You know there are immense amounts of vegetables and other provender brought to London from the Continent every day. Now a large number of sworn Fenians are to go to Holland and learn Dutch, so that they can go over disguised as petty dealers in food, get to London armed with revolvers, and carry off the Queen! As the Fenians always do exactly what they promise to do, this may be relied upon as certain to happen. It is said that the Queen is studying Dutch as an amusement; which may be very convenient on the way; she can expostulate with them better in Dutch than in Irish.

From GERMANY, we learn that JANAUSCHEK is coming to London to play in English. Also that a ballet corps is coming over to dance in Spanish, and an opera troupe, to sing phonographically, in Hindoostanee. A new opera, by BALFE, is spoken of; subject, the Tower of Babel. This was suggested by the Ecumenical Council; where some body must have been LISET-ening.

A World's Congress of Croquet Players will be held next month at Baden. They will not hold their debates in Latin. Among the points discussed will be, whether it is allowable to pop the question on the croquet ground. Old maids are quoted as thinking that it distracts the game. Younger ones would consider it allowable in certain cases.

What people some travelling Americans are! There is one _nouveau riche_ from New-York, who has been going about all over Germany, asking every body for the sculptor--he thinks his name was METTERNICH--whose most famous work was the _Status quo_! He wants one of these, he says, for his _jardin des plantes_; which is going to be as big as the one near Paris. He has also heard of the Marquis of BUTE; and wants to buy one or two of his things; because somebody once read to him, out of a copy-book, that "a thing of Bute is a joy forever." I have not time to tell you, today, about my late interview with the Pope. --PRIME

* * * * *

EVERY MAN HIS OWN POLICEMAN.

EXEMPLIFIED BY THE FOLLOWING DESIGNS OF PUNCHINELLO'S PATENT ARMOR.

OPEN CASE.

IN CASE OF ASSASSIN.

IN CASE OF STAGE ACCIDENT.

IN CASE OF PICK-POCKET.

IN CASE OF MAD BULL.]

* * * * *

OUR PORT-FOLIO.

Upon opening our mail, the other morning, a communication signed "Tragedian," purporting to come from the father of three boys, (each remarkable in his way,) particularly attracted our attention. He stated with peculiar succinctness some singular developments of genius in the second of these prodigies, which do not always accompany such tender adolescence. "But twelve years old!" exclaims the enraptured parent, "and yet my FRITZ has produced a tragedy in three acts, entitled 'The Drewid's Curse.' No less a judge than our leading town lawyer, squire MANGLES, was so kind as to say that such an instance of the histrionic flux in a child of FRITZ'S years, was utterly unparalleled. If PUNCHINELLO could find space for a few specimens of the 'Curse,' they shall be cheerfully furnished."

(It might as well be stated here that curses of this character are already quite abundant, and that PUNCHINELLO can not find space for any of them. Still a kind word may not be misunderstood.)

To the son of a man who spells "Druid" with a "_w_," all things must be possible, from a hangman's noose to a Presidential nomination, and the danger to be apprehended in this case is, that some of "Tragedian's" posterity may slip into one or the other of them. A parental raid upon all the pens, ink and paper that could possibly come within the reach of a youth whose soul revels in Druidical reminiscences, is the only effective remedy which at present occurs to us. The "histrionic flux" is a kindred disease, and would, of course, be susceptible of the same treatment.

* * * * *

DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I am not mad, but to you, alone, I confide the secret of my sanity. Nevertheless I thirst for blood.

Feelings over which I have no control, render it imperative that I should shoot somebody. Precisely who may be the victim of this insatiable desire, fate alone can decide. I propose some day next week to commence a general fusilade from the windows of my office upon the passers-by. My sole security in this affair, is a maiden aunt now in the Lunatic Asylum. I look with confidence to her malady as my triumphant vindication. My object in writing to you is to ask whether, in your opinion, the fact is sufficient to _guarantee_ a verdict of "Not Guilty," in case I am prosecuted for murder, or whether an unscrupulous jury could sacrifice me to the unsettled condition of the popular mind on the subject of justifiable insanity. Yours sanguinarily,

--RABIES.

PUNCHINELLO expresses his opinion in reference to the above letter with great reluctance. He fears that if he gives his advice according to his real convictions, he may be overrun with similar applications, and if he gives advice that he doesn't feel, he will condemn "RABIES" to the mortification of the gallows. He therefore takes a middle course, and observes that the possession of an aunt in the Lunatic Asylum is certainly strong presumptive evidence that her nephew is no better than she is. Here in New-York, it would be difficult to upset such evidence, but elsewhere the result might be different. "RABIES" gives no clue to his whereabouts. PUNCHINELLO, therefore, presumes that he does not contemplate murder here. Very well, then, it would be unadvisable to kill any one, until at least two respectable physicians could testify that either before or after the act they had called upon "RABIES," fully interviewed him on the subject of the maiden aunt, and found that the slightest allusion to her was productive of any of the following phenomena:

1st. Sudden and violent twitching of the eyes.

2d. Discoloration of the veins of the nose, resulting in an appearance abnormally rubicund.

3d. Manifestations of extravagant thirst, which water could not satisfy.

4th. Tendency to reach for his boot-straps, as if with the view of lifting himself by the same.

5th. Rapid rise of the pulse from 50 to 500--say within the space of ten seconds.

6th. Shoo-fly! movement of the hand toward the cheek as if some thing had alighted there, and patient were trying to rub it off.

7th. The presence of a cicatrix on the left temple (This is a most irrefutable proof of insanity).

8th. Psychological developments indicative of "moral alienation."

9th. Gangrenous condition of the tongue, proceeding from a disordered liver, and mysteriously communicated to the brain.

10th. Any symptoms going to show that patient might mistake another man's wife for his own.

11th. Discovery at the last moment that patient's father suffered himself to be hung for murder.

PUNCHINELLO offers these as the accepted _data_ by which RABIES may measure his chances for life in case he executes his avowed purpose, but I would impress upon him the fact that these are necessary _outside_ of New-York only. Here proof of the lunacy of the maiden aunt would be sufficient.

* * * * *

UNCLE SAMUEL

To His Lit-tle Lads in Con-gress.

[A LESSON IN EASY WORDS OF ONE SYLLABLE.]

My lads! I will be plain with, you:
I am not pleased with all you do.
I hate to scold, and yet I must;
And you will take it well, I trust.

When first I saw you, nice and clean,
It was a sight to show the Queen!
I was an ass to like you so;
But where we _wish_ to like, we do.
I should have known it could not be;
For luck, of late, is gone from me.
No more I see the good old times
When fools were fools, and crimes were crimes,
And boys and men had work to do,
And did not play till work was through.
The times have changed; so have the boys!
I know this, when I hear your noise,
And note your slack work, day by day;
Each lad must have his own small way,
If it is but to loaf and loll,
Or else, not to come in at all,
Or not to care for what is done
If so be it can yield no fun,
Or else, to be as coarse and rough,
As rash and rude, and grum and gruff,
As though it were some bear that spoke,
Whom all the world must long to choke.

For shame, my lads! I let you draw
All I can spare to you by law;
Each lad of you takes all he can,
But not a soul acts like a man!
What do you _do_, for such fine pay?
What have you done these five months? Say!
You know you ought to do some good;
The friends that sent you, think you should.
Have you no pride, no sense! In fine,
Why do you waste their time and mine?

If it could move you, I'd tell how
The boys that sat where you sit now
Once _earned_ their pay, and got the name
Of fine, brave lads! But you!--for shame!
Boys, I could thrash you all, I fear!

It may be, times will change, this year--
Your friends all tire of you, I know,
And what, if they should let you go!
The school, through you, has such a name
All good men feel a kind of shame;
They feel the world must laugh, at last--
The world that could not scorn the past!

Oh, think of that, my lads! I see
You do not mean to turn from me.
From _me_, your best of friends? Oh, no!
I may seem grave, and dull, and slow.
But you and I, my lads, are one!
Your fame, your blame, I can not shun.
Much have I borne for you, of late;
But you are small, and I am great!

* * * * *

A Reflection for Recorder Hackett.

The GRAHAM bread bakers are useful members of the community, but the same can not be said of GRAHAM bred lawyers.

* * * * *

_Able Critic._ "BUT WHAT SORT OF A CREATURE IS THAT UPON WHICH THE YOUNG WOMAN STANDS?"

_Artist (who likes to "sell" bores.)_ "O! THAT'S A GONOPH."

_Able Critic._ "AH! YES. I THOUGHT SO." _(And he wonders what in thunder a "gonoph" is.)_]

* * * * *

A SONG OF THE NEW BABEL.

[_Dedicated with sentiments of the most inexpressible respect to the Members of the Forty-First Congress._]

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Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 08, May 21, 1870Chapter I: Front Matter

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