Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 08, May 21, 1870

Chapter V

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But if for solo speaking Members still feel an avidity;
If they burn to make orations of most uncommon zest,
Let them just take our precaution against intense stupidity!
Let them study PUNCHINELLO and learn how to make a jest;
But away with dreams chimerical and projects vain, though clever!
The power of tongue's proportionate to wondrous length of ear;
The beast that carried BALAAM is as garrulous as ever,
And still the lobby listener must be content to hear
Rap! rap! rap!
To quell the rising clamor;
Order! order! order!
Hammer! hammer! hammer!

* * * * *

_Intelligent Foreigner._ "WHY ARE ALL THESES AMERICAN SHIPS LYING IDLE IN THEIR DOCKS, SIR, INSTEAD OF EARNING MONEY AT SEA?"

_Despondent Ship-owner._ "IT'S ALL THE BARNACLES, SIR. NO SHIP CAN SAIL WITH THEM ON, AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GOING TO GET THEM OFF."]

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CONDENSED CONGRESS.

SENATE.

Just as usual, WILSON had another little scheme on hand. There was no money in it--nothing but a little Massachusetts glory. It was to set apart a day to decorate the graves of the Union dead. Mr. WILSON remembered that it would have been more consonant to his own feelings to confine the ornamentations to the graves of colored men and the men of Massachusetts. But for the sake of peace and harmony he was willing to decorate all round.

Mr. GARRETT DAVIS suggested that it didn't make any difference whether they set apart a day or not. If people wished to decorate, they would decorate, and if they didn't, they wouldn't.

Mr. DRAKE said Mr. DAVIS'S hands were dripping with loyal gore.

Mr. DAVIS said he would reply to that insinuation the first leisure week he had. In the meantime he contented himself with hurling the foul slander back into Mr. DRAKE'S teeth, if Mr. DRAKE had any.

Lest Mr. DAVIS should execute his threat of making a speech, the Senate referred the subject.

Then there was a first-class wrangle about giving pensions to Mrs. LINCOLN and Mrs. RAWLINGS. It was represented that Mrs. LINCOLN was given up to riotous living upon pumpernickel and ganzebroost, at a German watering-place, and that there was a rumor afloat that unless Congress pensioned her at once, she might marry a German prince. Mr. SHERMAN, on behalf of the Finance Committee, represented that German princes were notoriously expensive and impecunious, and that it would be much cheaper to pension Mrs. LINCOLN alone than to pension her and a German prince together. He submitted some statements, showing what it had cost Great Britain to have German princes marrying into the Royal family. The Senate, therefore, incontinently passed the bill.

Mr. Morrill introduced a neat little swindle, which does equal credit to his hand and heart, providing that the United States should have the free use of all patents granted under it. He said this was to discourage that pernicious class of men, the inventors. In many branches of industry, such as arms, the Government was the only customer of the inventor. In those cases, the inventor's gray hairs would be brought immediately to the grave. And inasmuch as the Government had a finger in almost every body's pie, the future FULTONS and GOODYEARS would starve to death before the completion of their diabolical devices.

Some land-grabs were rushed through, when Mr. SAULSBURY objected. He said nobody made any thing out of this except the Western Senators. He called upon the men of the Eastern States to stand up for their share. He had a little game in the interest of his own constituents. It was no chimerical railway. It was a good, substantial, practical concern. He demanded six million acres in behalf of the Delaware Balloon Navigation Company. If this demand were not complied with, it would show that the Senate were actuated by the basest personal motives.

HOUSE.

The gentle JULIAN insisted upon proposing his sixteenth or seventeenth amendment. He said that he understood several women intended to vote, and he introduced this to preserve his domestic peace.

Mr. JENCKES, for the forty-fifth time, called up his Civil Service bill.

Mr. BUTLER, for the thirty-seventh time, introduced a bill to annex San Domingo.

Mr. KELLEY and Mr. SCHENCK raved a neat but not new duett, "Give us Tariff or give us Death."

Mr. LOGAN gave a fine rendering of his famous bass solo, "The Tariff be Hanged."

Mr. SCHENCK intimated that Mr. LOGAN was an insect. At first he said he was a pismire, but the Speaker said pismire was not parliamentary, and he modified it to grasshopper.

Mr. KELLEY said that he took his stand upon American pig-iron, for which our fathers fought and bled. Did they never hear of Valley Forge? Our fathers suffered in that forge for the sake of protecting their children in the right to smelt in other forges. He said that the man who could smelt two pigs of iron where only one was smelted before, was a public benefactor.

Mr. COX said he could not smelt a pig, but he thought he smelt a rat.

Mr. JENCKES said he thought his Civil Service bill would tend to diminish stealing.

Mr. PETERS said he would oppose it for that very reason. He wished to reward his friends. It was no reward for a man who stood by his country in her hour of peril, to be given an office in which he had to work for a living. What patriot would not be disgusted by the ingratitude of a country which dared to insult him like that? There was nothing in this bill to prevent a man dripping with loyal gore from holding office, if he was honest and intelligent; whereas, one of his, Mr. PETERS'S staunchest supporters might be refused an office, if he had the misfortune to be dishonest and dull. The notion of making "capacity and integrity" a qualification for office-holding was unprecedented, and was preposterous. If things went on in this way, even members of Congress would be compelled to do something for their pay. Now he preferred to administer the public service on the good old principle they all had practised, of "You tickle me and I'll tickle you."

* * * * *

NOTES FROM CHICAGO.

The Garden City seems to be in a quiescent state at present. There is no startling divorce case on the _topis_, and the main portion of the Court House has not yet fallen in, and Mr. H.'s wife has not recently surprised him in any well-matured plan for putting a _quietus_ upon her existence. Domestic felicity is unusually prevalent. The scarlet-fever and measles have prevailed to a somewhat alarming extent; but the most contagious of all has been the _French_ fever. This malady seems to have spread amongst all classes; the fashionable and the unfashionable, the strong-minded and the frivolous. French teachers swarm like bees, here, there, and every where, and all speaking the purest Parisian French; even Mons. L'HARMONIQUE, who comes from that wee little town in Canada, where the Canucks "most do congregate." But he says "the Americans do love so much humbug," that he gives them their fill of that article.

We have had French parties, French plays, French lectures. We read French, speak French, sing French, and look French; and, if you are so barbarously ignorant as not to understand that language, why, you might just as well retire for an old fossil or petrifaction. You're obsolete, that's all; as much behind the times as RIP VAN WINKLE himself, after his memorable sleep. English is out of date here--a relic of the Dark Ages. Fashionable ladies return from Paris, bringing with them accomplished _bonnes_, and every one is prohibited from speaking a word of English to the children; but, in spite of every precaution, the vulgar little creatures will drop the musical foreign tongue, and speak their own native language. They are christened ADELE, MARIE, or CLAIRE; the SUSANS, MARYS, and ELLENS having ceased to exist.

Parisian fashions, of course, reign triumphant, and the pretty young girls in French frizzes and furbelows, shrug their fair white shoulders exactly as they see "that elegant Madame DE----" do, and gesticulate with what they imagine to be the true French grace and vivacity. They all have a charming young teacher, with whom they carry on a most romantic flirtation, that of course means nothing; and each one of these fair students, (who conscientiously puts a "g" to every termination possible, and who says _monseer_,) will tell you, with a complacent smile, that Professor ---- considers her pronunciation unusually excellent. They are all studying in the blissful anticipation of a trip to Paris, where they will be presented to the Empress in yellow satin gowns, and then, when they return, how eagerly will they be sought by the fashionable young snobs, who long will see upon their fair brows the reflection of imperial glory. That is, if the dark-eyed ROMEOS abroad allow them ever to return to their native country.

* * * * *

COMIC ZOOLOGY,

Order-Reptilia.

SPECIES-BULLFROG.

Although the batrachian is of the genus _bufo_, he is by no means a _buffo_ genius. He may be styled the solemn organist of the swamp; slough music being his specialty. Like other out-door performers on wind instruments, he is chiefly heard in pleasant weather, and during the summer his organ is without stops. Being a Democrat, he appreciates the dignity of labor, and consequently is not ashamed to blow his own bellows.

Winter shuts the bull-frog up like a four-bladed jack-knife, and he does not open until the blades are started by the Spring. He seldom leaves his mud bivouac for active service before April, but a Forward March sometimes induces him to move earlier. As a rule, however, the smaller varieties of the species begin to ply their bog-pipes some weeks before he volunteers a voluntary.

Originally, this member of the Frog family had no surname, but about two thousand years ago, in consequence of his disastrous failure in an attempt to rival a male animal of the bovine species, the prefix "bull" was incorporated with his patronymic by a crooked little Greek. The name, however, more appropriately belongs to the Horned Frog of Sumatra.

The habits of the Bull-Frog are believed by observant naturalists to be strictly temperate, although there is a rumor afloat that he has been seen Over the Bay in New-Jersey. It is suspected, however, that the originators of the story were persons who visited that State to avoid the restrictions of the Sunday liquor-law, and consequently saw as through a glass darkly. Be that as it may, it is certain that this species of reptiles (unlike the "paragon of animals,") is never too drunk to navigate.

Mankind is deeply indebted to the Bull-Frog. We should never have known how to keep our heads above water but for their example, and, though Mr. CHASE may not be aware of the fact, their greenbacks were the first that ever issued from the Banks of America. Naturally, therefore, they are in advance of SALMON, and, long before he put our currency on its present footing, the hinder limb of a bull-frog was a legal tender.

The frog exists in most parts of the world, and at one time all the varieties of the species were Plaguily abundant in Egypt. They were introduced there to punish the people for their rascality, and appeared in such numbers among the Egyptian blacklegs that they stopped the game of PHARAOH. There is nothing poetic in the aspect of the frog. It is simply a tenaqueous bag of wind, yet it has occasionally given an impulse to the divine _afflatus_. We have it on the authority of the celebrated traveller Count SMORLTORK that the distinguished Mrs. LEO HUNTER, once wrote an "Ode to a Perspiring Frog."

The costume of a Bull-Frog consists of a green coat with yellow vest and brownish breeches, and when he requires a change of uniform, he pulls off the old one and swallows it. This fact has been doubted; but why should It be deemed incredible? Are there not parallel cases in the human family? GOLDSMITH tells us that he once lived for a fortnight on his coat and waistcoat; and every pawnbroker knows that a cast-off suit often furnishes the material for a family dinner. Why should not a frog sustain life with his Pants as well as a Christian?

Common brown frogs are good baits for FISH in most of the counties in this State; but when you go to HAMILTON try the greenbacks.

The unlicked cubs of the batrachian family are known (irrespective of sex) as Pollywogs, and are the meanest of all the reptile race except the radical Scaliwags. They are all heads and tails, and then, not the toss of a copper to choose between the two ends, as regards hideousness. The manner in which the tails are gradually developed into legs is very curious, but, as this is not a Caudal lecture, it is unnecessary to describe the process.

It has been metrically stated that the fast young batrachian goes a wooing in an Opera hat, irrespective of his mother's consent, but this assertion is not borne out by BUFFON or CUVIER, and maybe set down as a _lapsus lyrea_. Upon the whole the Bull-Frog, though harmless as a lamb, is nearly as stupid as a donkey, which accounts for his taking up his abode among Morasses, when he might dwell in the woods with the turtle and "feel like a bird." Furthermore, and finally, the subject is a slippery one and difficult to handle, and, therefore, with this remark we drop it.

* * * * *

A Clerical Error.

A PRESBYTERIAN clergyman, the Rev. CHARLES B. SMYTHE, has been scandalizing a community in New-Jersey by putting gin in his milk, and that on a Sunday afternoon. From the rebuke administered to Rev. SMYTHE by the authorities of his church, it appears that his case must have been a very aggravated one. They admonished him to "walk more correctly in future;" the inference to be drawn from which is that the amount of milk-punch, outside of which Rev. SMYTHE had placed himself, was sufficient to impart a stagger to his gait.

* * * * *

Right to a T.

The employment of Chinese laborers to build railroads is very suggestive of a well-known product of the Celestial Empire, since railroad tracks are usually laid with T rails.

* * * * *

"What's in a Name?"

Letters of the Alphabet.

* * * * *

A Be-Knighted Set.

The Canadian Government.

* * * * *

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

_Anxious Inquirer_. Can you give me any clue to the whereabouts of Collector BAILEY? I have advertised repeatedly for information concerning him without the slightest success.

N.B. PUNCHINELLO begs to give notice that he doesn't keep a detective police agency, but the gentleman in question is said to be in _Esse_.

_Economist_. Is a gentleman who invites a lady to the theatre obliged to hire a carriage to take her in?

_Answer_. Not at all. He can Take her In by not keeping his appointment, or--he can charter an omnibus if he likes.

_Vinous_. Can you give me any information about high wines and dry wines? Can wines be high and not dry, or both high and dry, or how? Please explain. Was HENRI do BOURBON the last of the Bourbons?

_Answer_ I. DELMONICO'S _Clos Vouguet_ at $16 per bottle is a high wine but not a dry wine. It might be, though, if it wasn't wet. II. Not by a good many.

X. Please, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, who were CASTOR and POLLUX?

_Answer_. Twins. (By Gemini you ought to have known that!)

_Scissors_. Where can I have access to old files of the leading news-papers?

_Answer_. In the editorial rooms of the same. You must be brief, however, as their time is valuable, and these Old Files are apt to be crusty, if bored.

_Old Salt_. How can sea-sickness be avoided?

_Answer_. By never going to sea.

_Linnaeus_. Does a knowledge of botany necessarily involve a knowledge of square root and cube root?

_Answer_. Our correspondent is evidently trying to quiz us. PUNCHINELLO will pay no attention to levity of this sort.

_Claude_. I desire to make a few presents to a young lady who is intellectual but very timid. What shall I give her?

_Answer_. Presents of Mind.

_M.C._ I am going to buy a new faro-table for my place up-town--you know where. What is the best shape and material?

_Answer_. A Square Deal table generally suite _players_ the best.

_Williams_. No, sir; the term Fiscal year has no reference to Col. FISK, Jr.

_Gardener_. Haydn's Book of Dates is not a Horticultural book.

_Byron, Jr_. Your verses would be much better if you would pay less attention to your Feet and more to your Head.

_M.J.B._ Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Our darling little pet, Tinkums, is not well, and does nothing but cry all night, to Charlie's great vexation. What will stop the little darling's crying?

We would suggest a hot pitch plaster directly over the mouth--that is, if the child was in the house with us.

* * * * *

Ego Sum.

I am some. (Pumpkins understood.)

* * * * *

The Milky Way.

The road from Orange County.

* * * * *

Edwin to Emma.

Flax Vobiscum.

* * * * *

SAILING DIRECTIONS

FOR ENTERING AND LEAVING YOKOHAMA BAY.

From our special correspondent if Washington we have received the following Special Order of the Navy Department, directing United States men-of-war how to approach and leave Yokohama:

SPECIAL ORDER NO. 999.

In consequence of the late disaster to the U.S. sloop Oneida, the following rules are hereby published for the guidance of vessels of war approaching the Bay of Yokohama:

I. On making the land, or if at night, on striking the soundings, all hands will be called to prayers.

II. After prayers all boats will be lowered and towed astern, to be out of the way of damage.

III. The gunner, under direction of the executive officer, will dismount all guns, and strike them into the hold. The reasons for this action will be at once apparent to commanders of vessels, when they reflect that, in case of collision, the guns would be useless as signals, owing to the extraordinary deafness of the officers belonging to the Peninsular and Oriental Mail Steamship Company; and a reference to the details of the Oneida's disaster will show the danger of the guns breaking loose and destroying human life. They will, therefore, be at once stowed in the hold.

IV. On entering the bay, the helm must be kept amidships. The rule of the road, according to English interpretation, is so difficult of comprehension that the above is by far the safest plan.

V. Each officer and man will be directed to secure upon his person such valuables belonging to him as he can conveniently carry.

VI. Finally, it shall be the duty of the commander to see that all hands are provided with life-preservers.

VII. The same rules will apply to vessels leaving Yokohama and proceeding to sea.

VIII. Having taken the above precautions, vessels may stand boldly into the bay, and in case they are run into and sunk by any other vessel (say for example one of the Peninsular and Oriental Company's ships) their officers and men will stand some little chance of saving their lives. But should all precautions fail, the gallant crew will be no doubt greatly consoled, as they sink to their graves, by the reflection that a pious Congress will pass resolutions of sympathy for their widows and orphans.

* * * * *

A PLEA FOR PROTECTION.

MR. PUNCHINELLO: I like your paper, though it is altogether too light and trifling in its treatment of serious subjects. Besides, it never treats of any thing serious. This won't do. The earnest men and women of the nation require something better at your hands. I have an essay on the "Origin of Evil," which I forward to you by this mail, and which, when published, will give an entirely different character to your journal. I want you, moreover, to advocate our American doctrine of Protection. Even our ablest statesmen, KELLEY, GREELEY, and DANIEL PRATT, have never carried this doctrine far enough. They are willing to protect American iron-masters by prohibiting the introduction of foreign iron, but why don't they protect American laborers by forbidding foreign workmen to land on our shores? I demand protection for the native ditcher. Forbid the Irishmen to land here and to lower the price of labor by competing with our own ditch-diggers. Put a stop to the influx of German tailors and bootmakers, who prevent native artists from earning the wages that would otherwise be theirs. Protect our authors by prohibiting the sale of works written by foreigners. Keep all foreign pictures out of the country, and give our own POWELLS and ROSSITERS a chance. And, above all, protect our American girls by preventing any pretty English, French, or German girls from coming in competition with them. These foreign girls bring their pretty faces here and glut the matrimonial market. The fewer the marriageable girls, the higher their market value. We protect iron-workers, and decline to protect our own daughters. This is an outrage. Shall we prevent the railroad companies from laying rails made of foreign iron, and permit husbands to marry foreign wives? Every patriotic and protectionist instinct revolts against it. I want you to take this matter up. Let us have no more foreign manufactures, foreign iron, foreign books, foreign laborers, or foreign girls. This is the true American system, and I look to you to aid in carrying it out. MOTHER CAREY.

* * * * *

PUNCHINELLO IS SORRY.

Alas! it is with tears in his eyes, albeit unaccustomed to such humor, that PUNCHINELLO condoles with the ladies of Massachusetts on the defeat of the proposition to endow them with the right of suffrage. The Puritan Patriots in the State Legislature, who unanimously recognize the "inborn right" of the black field-hands of South Carolina and Georgia to make laws for the white women of the Republic, have scornfully denied, by a vote of 133 to 68, that the white women aforesaid have any political rights at all; thus officially proclaiming to the world that they consider their wives, their daughters, and the mothers that bore them, inferior to the ignorant male African; unworthy to vote with him at the polls or to sit with him in council.

PUNCHINELLO is aware that the ladies of Massachusetts had set their hearts upon rising to the negro level "before the law," and can therefore appreciate their disappointment; but they ought to have known that neither the ties of nature, the bonds of wedlock, nor the claims of intelligence, are of any force in the Home of the Pilgrims, as compared with the influence of the Ebony Lords of Creation, whoso reign as sovereigns commenced with the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment.

The STANTONS, the BLACKWELLS, and the ANTHONYS, the Members of the Women's Parliament and the Sisters of Sorosis, advocated negro suffrage with the full expectation of sharing the franchise with PETE and CUFF; but alas! while these wool-dyed Africans are conducted in triumph to the ballot-box, _they_ are ignominiously thrust back from it. For this black wrong there is no colorable pretext. There is not a shade of excuse for it, and PUNCHINELLO hopes that it will open the eyes of the ladies of the land, and prevent them henceforth and for ever from placing the slightest confidence in the gallantry or impartiality of the Puritanic prigs of New-England.

* * * * *

ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.

[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.]

No. III.

_D._ Now then, father, for that Description of the Telescope!

_F._ Very well, my child. The great Object of the telescope--

_D._ Is the Object-Glass, is it not, father?

_F._ Come, come, HELENE; no nonsense, now. The great object had in view by the inventors of the telescope--

_D._ Father, don't you mean the Great Object they _expected_ to have in view, when they got it made; a Distant World, for instance?

_F._ Pshaw, child! be serious. Don't spoil a good thing by untimely interjections. They are as mal a propos as a mosquito coming across the Field of View.

_D._ I'd rather he'd do that than come across _me!_

_F._ Well, HELENE, you are positively exasperating!

_D._ Not more so than your mosquito.

_F._ Well, I declare--this is too bad!

_D._ So is his bite!

_F._ Well, well; I must walk out and take the air. [_Going_]

_D._ Yes, pa, (and see that you don't take anything else!) Now, then! for a grand look for my Charmer! Really, I am getting quite Earthly! [_Looks through the instrument a few moments_] Why, what is this? Oh, pshaw! I see! I've got JUPITER by mistake! I mistook one of his Belts for a new Belt Railroad. It would have been a Big Thing, that railroad; not less than 75,000 miles long, as I figure it. Perhaps those Belts _are_ Railroads! Perhaps they have Rings there, as they have at Saturn, only less conspicuous. JUPITER is rather a Slushy planet, if I am correct in regard to its Specific Gravity; of about the consistency, perhaps, of the New-York Poultice Pavement I've been reading about. I should think that JUPITER'S lack of gravity and consistency would make him a favorite with Aldermen--not the less for having so many Satellites. I wonder if the New Charter is the celebrated Magna Charter under a new name? Probably it is no better. Oh, dear! the annoyance of living so far away! Nothing here attracts me. The distant, the unattainable, is all I think or care about!

F. [_Coming in quietly._] What's that, HELENE, about the charms of the Unattainable? You don't seem to see any thing very attractive in MERCURY or MARS!

_D._ Well, some things may be both unattainable and undesirable. That's the case with the little thieving god MERCURY, and that big red-skinned Prize-Fighter, MARS. I can't understand, however, why these disreputable deities should he worshipped in your favorite New-York.

_F._ Well, as near as I can see, (a matter of a few million miles, more or less,) when you speak of Worship, they have more regard there for Millinery than any thing else. The Christian Religion is based on Humility, which has Purity and Simplicity for her Handmaids. Look into some of these New-York churches! see how the jewels glisten, the rich stuffs fall gracefully in massive folds. Observe the sumptuousness, the elaborate display! A fine Humility this! Then look at the ceremonial. Here is a church edifice, belonging to a denomination that assumes to be Decent and Orderly in ceremony. Is it so in _this_ church? What means all this tawdriness of color, the crimson, the blue, the gold; what signify these fantastic designs and figures, these monkey-like genuflexions; this wilderness of sign and symbol, this elaborate abasement, this theatrical show of exaltation? This an improvement on the old dignified simplicity? Do you tell me that childishness, and prettiness, and pettiness, are valid substitutes for a genuine, manly modesty and simplicity?

_D._ (Oh, dear! he's been drinking again! How bitter the Bitters do make him!) Look! Father, come, quick! Here is a Railroad Accident, such as you have often wished to see. Two trains have collided, and both have rolled down an embankment at least seventy feet high! into a river, I do declare! They are all lost!

_F._ Do let me see at once, HELENE I [_Looks eagerly._] Ah, yes; all gone; nothing visible but one smoke-pipe, three stove-pipe hats, four bits of orange-peel, some pea-nut shells, and thirteen copies of the _New-York Ledger_. Sad fate! But see! Some dry-goods-no, a young lady flounders along toward the shore! The bystanders rush up; she is nearly exhausted; pants rapidly; they congratulate her. A well-dressed young man approaches. She instantly begins to think of her looks; her hand flies to her back hair. Heavens! there is so much gone there that she shrieks in alarm! Her fall in the water has detached her Waterfall! _That_ gone, every thing is gone! She springs to her feet! Glancing hurriedly over the watery waste, now plentifully strewn with fans, little canes, and certain objects which are either mail-bags or _chignons_, she descries her better part, and with a wild cry, (as when a mother rescues her babe from tigers,) dashes in and seizes the darling object! She presses it to her lips, and impetuously breaks for the shore! Alas! too late, by about ten and a half seconds! "Save it!" she seems to cry; tosses the wad ashore, and down she goes, with her hand on the back of her head, her last thoughts, evidently, more or less, connected with that sympathizing young man on the bank above.

_D._ Father, you talk like a brute! Have you no feeling? Boo-hoo hoo-hoo!

_F._ Child, I am _all_ feeling. Boo-hoo-hoo-too!

* * * * *

HORTICULTURAL HINTS.

KITCHEN GARDEN.--Plant pickles early, if you are up in time; if not, later. But don't eat them late, unless you are equally fond of dyspepsia.

In planting peas, select that kind that does not grow hard and yellow; that is, unless you supply boarding-houses, or have a government contract for the supply of shot.

Grated turnips, mixed with horse-radish, for the table, will assuage one's grief for one's grandmother.

Rice-puddings can be grown, ready-made, by sowing rice with cowcumbers. Try it.

NURSERY.--Transplant from hot-beds to bath-tub as soon as possible, using sponge with palm-soap and cold water. Top-dress with comb and brush. Trim limbs according to age. Train with rods. Much depends on starting right, so start to school right after breakfast.

SHOWING THE WAY IN WHICH ANY GOOD-LOOKING MEMBER OF CONGRESS MAY BE LIABLE TO "INTERVIEWING" WHEN LOVELY WOMAN SHALL HAVE OBTAINED THE RIGHT OF SUFFRAGE.]

PUNCHINELLO:

TERMS TO CLUBS.

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The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning purposes.

SECOND:

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These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of crochet or fancy work upon them.

THIRD:

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This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits every thing.

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This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60.

WE WILL SEND THE

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No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16.
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" 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52.
1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64.
1 100 needles

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without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100.

Descriptive Circulars

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Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.

Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters, which any post-master will furnish.

Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only will be credited.

Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State.

The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to subscription.

All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to P.O. Box 2783.

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY

No. 83 Nassau Street,

NEW-YORK

* * * * *

S. W. GREEN. PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.

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Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 08, May 21, 1870Chapter V

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