Chapter III: Part I: Puzzles and Oddities (1)

1.

My FIRST the heats of July pack
With rows of milk-pans down the back;
September fills them all with starch,
And, though they neither drill nor march,
Each has a warlike name:
October plucks my honors off,
And down I’m thrown to floor or trough:
Perchance the mill to powder turns
Or smouldering fire to ashes burns
My rough and useless frame.

A weaver’s loom my SECOND fills
In dozens of tall cotton mills,
Before the shuttle, o’er and through,
Has thrown the filling straight and true,
And made each ending fast.
My WHOLE a house in corners set,
Has swung as long as time, and yet
A trap for foolish folk shall swing,
And lessons to the wiser bring,
As long as time shall last.

2.

What is that which we often return, but never borrow?

3.

Can you tell me of what parentage Napoleon the First was?

4.

What was Joan of Arc made of?

5.

Why ought stars to be the best Astronomers?

6.

What colors were the winds and the waves in the last violent storm?

7.

In what color should a secret be kept?

8.

How do trees get at their summer dress without opening their trunks?

9.

Why am I queerer than you?

10.

Mr. Premium took my FIRST, and he wrote to Captain Smith,
And said: “Sir, do my SECOND to my THIRD, forthwith.”
Now, Mr. P., you see, though a millionaire he be,
Could not, without my WHOLE, have sent Captain Smith to sea.

11.

Two pronouns find, but mind they suit,
And then between them “a--t” put:
The combination quickly yields
What may be seen on Scotland’s fields.
Now, for the first word, substitute
Another pronoun that will “suit;”
When this is done, ’twill bring to view
What every day is seen by you.

12.

Me the contented man desires,
The poor man has, the rich requires,
The miser gives, the spendthrift saves,
And all men carry to their graves.

13.

A BUSINESS ORDER.

“J. Gray:
Pack with my box five dozen quills.”

What is its peculiarity?

14.

Those who have me not, do not wish for me; those who have me, do not wish to lose me; and those who gain me, have me no longer.

15.

Although Methusaleh was the oldest man that ever lived, yet he died before his father.

16.

If Moses was by adoption the son of Pharaoh’s daughter, was he not, “by the same token,” the _daughter_ of Pharaoh’s _son_?

17.

What is the best time to study the book of Nature?

18.

What is the religion of Nature in the spring?

19.

There is an article of common domestic consumption, whose name contains six letters, from which may be formed twenty-two nouns, without using the plurals. What is it?

20.

What word is that, of two syllables, to which if you prefix one letter, two letters, or two other letters, you form, in each instance, a word of one syllable?

21.

What was the favorite salad at the South, in the spring of 1861?

22.

There was a thing, ’twas two days old
Ere Adam was, of yore;
Before that thing was five weeks old,
Adam was years four-score.

23.

What’s that which on four limbs doth move
When first it sees the light,
But walks erect on two at noon,
And creeps on three at night?

24.

A sailor launched a ship of force,
A cargo put therein, of course;
No goods had he he wished to sell;
Each wind did serve his turn as well;
To neither port nor harbor bound,
His greatest wish to run aground.

25.

A merry maid, whose pleasant name
Was my sweet FIRST. Under a tree
She sat, and sang my THIRD, as free
As the wild crows, that without dread,
My SECOND called above her head.
Anon she turned, (with a last look
Above, below,) unto her book--
My WHOLE the author. Guess the same.

26.

The three most forcible letters in our alphabet?

27.

The two which contain nothing?

28.

The four which express great corpulence?

29.

The four which indicate exalted station?

30.

The three which excite our tears?

31.

What foreign letter is an English title?

32.

What foreign letter is a yard and a half long?

33.

What letter will unfasten an Irish lock?

34.

When was B the first letter of the alphabet, while E and O were the only vowels?

35.

What letter is always more or less heavily taxed?

36.

What letter is entirely out of fashion?

37.

Why is praising people like a certain powerful opiate?

38.

Prove that a man has five feet.

39.

WHAT AM I?

I was once the harbinger of good to prisoners.
I add to the magnitude of a mighty river.
I am a small portion of a large ecclesiastical body.
I represent a certain form of vegetable growth.
A term used by our Lord in speaking to His disciples.
A subordinate part of a famous eulogy.
I am made useful in connection with the Great Western Railway.

40.

=5005E1000E=,
++5005E1000E++.

The name of a modern novel.

41.

Two words in French are often spoken;
Of home and love the fondest token:
But, strange to say it, one of these
Is English, from beyond the seas;
And though the thing seems quite absurd,
It means the same as t’other word.

42.

You fain would win fair Julia’s heart--
“Have I the power?” you’d ask her,
But, from your lips the words won’t part--
“’Tis not an easy task, Sir!”
“I know ’tis not, for one so shy.”
“Well, how shall I begin, Sir?”
“Be what you ask her,” I reply,
“And, ten to one, you’ll win, Sir!”

43.

My FIRST is company; my SECOND shuns company; my THIRD calls together a company; and my WHOLE entertains company.

44.

My FIRST is a sound, of tranquillity telling,--
A cozy and complaisant sound for your dwelling.
A place which for criminals fittest is reckoned,
Yet where saints find ineffable peace, is my SECOND.
_Or_, where niggardly natures, who hunger and thirst
For the wealth of this world, keep their hearts, is my FIRST;
While my SECOND’S a measure you’ll know at a glance,
For ’tis shortest in Flanders, and longest in France.

Oh! my WHOLE is a name widely known, well beloved,
A name blessed on earth, and in Heaven approved;
Crowned by Faith and Good Works with so holy a light
That angels, themselves, thrill with joy at the sight.

45.

Dr. Whewell being asked by a young lady for his name “in cipher,” handed her the following lines:

You 0 a 0, but I 0 thee,--
Oh, 0 no 0, but oh, 0 me;
And O, let my 0 no 0 go,
But give 0 0 I 0 you so!

46.

Why was the execution of Charles the First voluntary on his part?

47.

How is Poe’s “Raven” shown to have been a very dissipated bird?

48.

Set down four 9’s so as to make one hundred.

49.

The cc 4 put 00000000.
si

50.

John Doe to Richard Roe, Dr.
To 2 bronze boxes $3 00
1 wooden do 1 50
1 wood do 1 50
----

This bill was canceled by the payment of $1.50. How?

51.

When was Cowper in debt?

52.

What animal comes from the clouds?

53.

My FIRST is one of mystic three,
Who go where goes true Liberty;
Sets with the sun, with him to rise,
Lives in the flame and with it dies;
Fades with the leaf that earthward flies.

My SECOND cleaves the morning air,
Floats through the evening still and fair;
Now soars beyond the mountain crest,
Now flutters downward to its rest,
Now broods upon some hidden nest.

My WHOLE long since the prairie trod,
Now rests beneath the prairie-sod;
Yet still upon the river stands,
And calls the stranger to the lands
Which Reminichia’s[1] cliff commands.

54.

I saw a peacock with a fiery tail
I saw a blazing comet pour down hail
I saw a cloud all wrapt with ivy ’round
I saw a lofty oak creep on the ground
I saw a beetle swallow up a whale
I saw the foaming sea brimful of ale
I saw a pewter cup sixteen feet deep
I saw a well full of men’s tears that weep
I saw wet eyes in flames of living fire
I saw a house as high as the moon and higher
I saw the glorious sun at deep midnight
I saw the man who saw this wondrous sight!

An incredulous friend actually ventured to doubt the above plain statement of facts, but was soon convinced of its literal truth.

55.

Charles the First walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off.

56.

At the time of a frightful accident, what is better than presence of mind?

57.

Why was the year preceding 1871 the same as the year following it?

58.

Why do “birds in their little nests agree?”

59.

What did Io die of?

60.

Why did a certain farmer out West name his favorite rooster ROBINSON?

61.

How do sailors know there’s a man in the moon?

62.

How do sailors know Long Island?

63.

What does a dog wear in warm weather, besides his collar?

64.

If you transpose what ladies wear,
’Twill plainly show what bad men are:
Again, if you transpose the same,
You’ll see an ancient Hebrew’s name:
Change it again and it will show,
What all on earth desire to do.

65.

Two brothers, wisely kept apart,
Together ne’er employed;
Though to one purpose we are bent,
Each takes a different side.

To us no head nor mouth belongs,
Yet plain our tongues appear;
With them we never speak a word,
Without them, useless are.

In blood and wounds we deal, yet good
In temper we are proved;
From passion we are always free,
Though oft with anger moved.

We travel much, yet prisoners are,
And close confined, to boot;
Can with the swiftest horse keep pace,
Yet always go on foot.

66.

Translate:

Je suis capitaine de vingt-cinq soldats; et, sans moi, Paris serait pris.

67.

Je suis ce que je suis, et je ne suis pas ce que je suis. Si j’étais ce que je suis, je ne serais pas ce que je suis.

68.

Mus cucurrit plenum sed
Contra meum magnum ad!

69.

Mens tuum ego!

70.

The title of a book: Castra tintinnabula Poëmata.

71.

Motto on a Chinese box: Tu doces!

72.

73.

Translate:

Quis crudus enim lectus, albus, et spiravit!

74.

Ecrivez: “J’ai grand appétit,” en deux lettres.

75.

Monosyllabic I, and a reptile, I trow;
But, cut me in twain, I form syllables two.
I’m English, I’m Latin, the one and the other;
And what’s Latin for one half, is English for t’other.

76.

Ever running on my race,
Never staying in one place,
Through the world I make my tour
Everywhere at the same hour.
If you please to spell my name,
Backward, forward, ’tis the same.

77.

In my FIRST my SECOND sat; my THIRD and FOURTH I ate; and yet I was my WHOLE.

78.

TONIS ADRESTO MARE.

O Mare! Eva si formæ,
Formæ ure tonitru;
Iambicum as amandum,
Olet Hymen promptu!
Mihi his vetas annæ se,
As humano erebi;
Olet mecum, mare, to te,
Or Eta Beta Pi.

Alas, plano more meretrix;
Mi ardor vel uno,
Inferiam ure artis base
Tolerat me urebo.
Ah me! ve ara scilicet
To laudu vimin thus.
Hiatu as arandum sex--
Illuc Ionicus!

Heu! sed heu! vixin, imago,
Mi missis mare sta!
O cantu redit in mihi
Hibernus arida?

Everi dafur heri si;
Mihi resolves indu;
Totius, olet Hymen cum
Accepta tonitru!

79.

_____________
| | | |
|___|___|___|
| | |
|___|___|

From these five squares take three of the fifteen sides, and leave three squares.

80.

_________
| | |
|___|___|
| |
|___|

Divide this figure into four equal _and uniform_ parts.

81.

Four things there are all of a height,
One of them crooked, the rest upright.
Take three away, and you will find
Exactly ten remains behind:
But, if you cut the four in twain,
You’ll find one-half doth eight retain.

82.

To divide eight gallons of vinegar equally between two persons; using only an eight-gallon, a five-gallon, and a three-gallon measure?

83.

A certain miller takes “for toll” one tenth of the meal or flour he grinds. What quantity must he grind in order that a customer may have just a bushel of meal after the toll has been taken?

84.

To prove that two are equal to one:

Let _x_ = _a_: Then, _x_² = _ax_,
_x_² − _a_² = _ax_ − _a_²,
(_x_ + _a_)(_x_ − _a_) = _a_(_x_ − _a_),
_x_ + _a_ = _a_,
2_a_ = _a_,
2 = 1. Q. E. D.

Where is the fallacy?

85.

As two Arabs, who had for sole provision, the one five, and the other three loaves of bread, were about to take their noonday meal in company, they were joined by a stranger who proposed to purchase a third part of their food. In payment he gave them, when their repast was finished, eight pieces of silver, and they, unable to agree as to the division of the sum referred the matter to the nearest Cadi, who gave seven pieces to the owner of the five loaves, and but one piece to the owner of the three loaves. And the Cadi was right.

86.

A man went to a store and bought a pair of boots for six dollars. He put down a ten dollar bill, and the merchant having no change, sent for it to a neighboring bank, and gave it to him. Later in the day one of the bank clerks came in to say that the ten dollar bill was a bad one, and insisted that the merchant should make it right, which he did. Now, how much did he lose by the whole transaction?

87.

A man bought twelve herrings for a shilling; some were two pence apiece, some a halfpenny, and some a farthing. How many did he buy of each kind?

88.

My FIRST is the last of me;
My SECOND is not so much;
And my WHOLE is entirely destitute of my FIRST.

89.

There is a word of plural number,
A foe to peace and tranquil slumber;
Now, any word you chance to take,
Adding an s will plural make;
But if you add an s to this,
How strange the metamorphosis!
Plural is plural then no more,
And sweet what bitter was before.

90.

“Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!”
Were the last words of Marmion.
Had I been in Stanley’s place,
When Marmion urged him to the chase,
You then would very soon descry,
What brings a tear to every eye.

91.

My FIRST, if you do, will increase;
My SECOND will keep you from Heaven,
My WHOLE--such is human caprice--
Is seldomer taken than given.

92.

When may a man reasonably complain of his coffee?

93.

Why does a duck put her head under water?

94.

Why does she take it out again?

95.

In what terms does Shakespeare allude to the muddiness of the river on which Liverpool lies?

96.

If the ++B++ mt put: If the ++B++. putting:

So said one, but another replied: How can I put: when there is such a-der?

97.

Why is a man who never bets, as bad as one who bets habitually?

98.

When is a bonnet not a bonnet?

99.

Twice ten are six of us;
Six are but three:
Nine are but four of us;
What can we be?
Would you know more of us?
I’ll tell you more;
Seven are five of us,
Five are but four!

100.

As I was going to St. Ives’
I met seven wives;
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits,--
Kits, cats, sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives’?

101.

Helen, after sitting an hour, dressed for a walk, at length set out alone, leaving the following laconic note for the friend who, she had expected, would accompany her: 2 ++2++ 8.

102.

Come and commiserate one who was blind,
Helpless and desolate, void of a mind;
Guileless, deceiving; though unbelieving,
Free from all sin.
By mortals adored, still I ignored
The world I was in.
King Ptolemy’s, Cæsar’s, and Tiglath Pilezer’s
Birth days are shown;
Wise men, astrologers, all are acknowledgers,
Mine is unknown.
I never had father or mother
Alive at my birth.
Lodged in a palace, taunted by malice,
I did not inherit by lineage or merit,
A spot on the earth.
Nursed among pagans, no one baptized me,
Sponsor I had, who ne’er catechised me;
She gave me the name to her heart that was dearest;
She gave me the place to her bosom was nearest;
But one look of kindness she cast on me never,
Nor word of my blindness I heard from her ever.
Encompassed by strangers, naught could alarm me;
I saved, I destroyed, I blessed, I alloyed;
Kept a crown for a prince, but had none of my own;
Filled the place of a king, but ne’er had a throne;
Rescued a warrior, baffled a plot;
Was what I seemed not, seemed what I was not;
Devoted to slaughter, a price on my head,
A king’s lovely daughter watched by my bed.
How gently she dressed me, fainting with fear!
She never caressed me, nor wiped off a tear;
Ne’er moistened my lips, though parched and dry,
What marvel a blight should pursue and defy?
’Twas royalty nursed me wretched and poor;
’Twas royalty cursed me in secret, I’m sure.
I lived not, I died not, but tell you I must,
That ages have passed since I first turned to dust.
This paradox whence? this squalor, this splendor?
Say, was I king, or silly pretender?
Fathom the mystery, deep in my history--
Was I a man?
An angel supernal, a demon infernal?
Solve it who can.

103.

A blind beggar had a brother. This blind beggar’s brother went to sea and was drowned. But the man that was drowned had no brother. What relation to him, then, was the blind beggar?

104.

Two brothers were walking together down the street, and one of them, stopping at a certain house, knocked at the door, observing: “I have a niece here, who is ill.” “Thank Heaven,” said the other, “I have no niece!” and he walked away. Now, how could that be?

105.

“How is that man related to you?” asked one gentleman of another.

“Brother or sister I have none,
But that man’s father was my father’s son.”

106.

Describe a cat’s clothing botanically.

107.

What is that which boys and girls have once in a lifetime, men and women never have, and Mt. Parnassus has twice in one place?

108.

Why is the highest mountain in Wales always white?

109.

To what two cities of Massachusetts should little boys go with their boats?

110.

There kneels in holy St. Cuthbert’s aisles
No holier Father than Father Giles:
Matins or Vespers, it matters not which,
He is ever there like a saint in his niche;
Morning and midnight his Missal he reads,
Midnight and morning he tells his beads.

Wide-spread the fame of that holy man!
Potent his blessing, and dreaded his ban:
Wondrous the marvels his piety works
On unbelieving heathen, and infidel Turks,
But strangest of all is the power he is given
To turn maidens’ hearts to the service of Heaven.

St. Ursula’s Prioress comes to-day,
At holy St. Cuthbert’s shrine to pray,
She comes with an offering; she comes with a prayer;
For she leads to the altar the Lady Clare.
Mary Mother! how fair a maid
To yield the world for the cloister’s shade!

She yields, to-morrow, her gold and lands
For the Church’s use, to the Church’s hands,
Renounces the world, with its pleasures and wiles,
And to-day she confesses to Father Giles:
Slight is the penance, I ween, may atone
For all of sin she hath ever known!

“Daughter! since last thou didst kneel for grace,
Hath peace in thy heart found a dwelling-place?
From thy breast hast thou banished each idle thought?
Save thy spirit’s weal hast thou pined for naught?”
Moist is her kerchief, and drooped her head,
But my FIRST is all that poor Clara said.

“Daughter! thy cheek hath grown pale and thin--
Is thy spirit pure and chastened within?
Gone from thy voice is its ancient mirth?
Are thy sighs for Heaven? Thy tears for earth?”
For earth are her sighs, yet poor Clara knows
My SECOND no more than the spring’s first rose!

Why doth he tremble, that holy man,
At eye so sad, and at cheek so wan?
Less burning the tears, less bitter the sighs
Heaven asks from its _willing_ votaries!
And, alas! when my ALL weeps as Clara weeps,
Holy Church gaineth more than she ofttimes keeps!

NOTABLE NAMES.

111.

One name that means such fiery things
I can’t describe their pains and stings.

112.

Red as an apple, or black as night:
A heavenly sign, or a “perfect fright.”

113.

Place an edible grain ’twixt an ant and a bee,
And the well-beloved name of a poet you’ll see.

114.

Each human head, in time, ’tis said,
Will turn to him, though he is dead.

115.

A little more
Than a sandy shore.

116.

The dearest, “sweetest, spot on earth to me,”
And, just surpassing it, a name you’ll see.

117.

A head-dress.

118.

Inclining to one of the four parts of the compass.

119.

A mineral and a chain of hills.

120.

A metal, and a worker in metals.

121.

A sound made by an insect; and a fastening.

122.

A sound made by an animal; and a fastening.

123.

A sound made by an animal, and a measure of length.

124.

A Latin noun and a measure of quantity.

125.

A bodily pain.

126.

The value of a word.

127.

A manufactured metal.

128.

To agitate a weapon.

129.

A domestic animal, and what she cannot do.

130.

Which is the greater poet, William Shakespeare or John Dryden?

131.

A barrier before an edible; a barrier built of an edible.

132.

One-fourth of the earth’s surface, and a preposition.

133.

One-fourth of the earth’s surface, and a conjunction.

134.

A song; to follow the chase.

135.

A solid fence, a native of Poland.

136.

An incessant pilgrim; fourteen pounds weight.

137.

A quick succession of small sounds.

138.

Obsolete past participle of a verb meaning to illuminate.

139.

A carriage, a liquid, a narrow passage.

140.

To prosecute, and one who is guarded.

141.

A letter withdraws from a name to make it more brilliant.

142.

A letter withdraws from a name and tells you to talk more.

143.

Why is a man who lets houses, likely to have a good many cousins?

144.

What relation is the door-mat to the door-step?

145.

What is it that gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor’s bill?

146.

What is brought upon the table, and cut but never eaten?

147.

What cord is that which is full of knots which no one can untie, and in which no one can tie another?

148.

What requires more philosophy than taking things as they come?

149.

What goes most against a farmer’s grain?

150.

Which of Shakespeare’s characters killed most poultry?

151.

THE BISHOP OF OXFORD’S RIDDLE.

I have a large box,^1 two lids,^2 two caps,^3 two musical instruments,^4 and a large number of articles which a carpenter cannot dispense with.^5 I have always about me a couple of good fish,^6 and a great number of small size;^7 two lofty trees,^8 and four branches of trees;^9 some fine flowers,^10 and the fruit of an indigenous plant.^11 I have two playful animals,^12 and a vast number of smaller ones;^13 also, a fine stag,^14 and a number of whips without handles.^15

I have two halls or places of worship,^16 some weapons of warfare,^17 and innumerable weather-cocks;^18 the steps of a hotel;^19 the House of Commons on the eve of a division;^20 two students or scholars,^21 and ten Spanish gentlemen to wait upon their neighbors.^22

To these may be added, a rude bed;^a the highest part of a building;^b a roadway over water;^c leaves of grass;^d a pair of rainbows;^e a boat;^f a stately pillar;^g a part of a buckle;^h several social assemblies;^i part of the equipments of a saddle-horse;^j a pair of implements matched by another pair of implements much used by blacksmiths;^j several means of fastening.^k

152.

Be thou my FIRST in study or in play,
Through all the sunny hours which make the day.
Go to my SECOND, and do not despise
Her useful teachings, wonderful and wise:
Yet, for this purpose, never be my WHOLE,
Nor seek to wander from a wise control.

153.

Be sure you do my FIRST, whene’er you see
My SECOND in the garden or the tree;
But set my WHOLE upon the open plain
If you would have a plenteous crop of grain.

154.

My FIRST is a house men love to view;
My SECOND you do when you fasten your shoe;
My THIRD is one of a loving two;
My WHOLE I fain would be with you.

155.

1. A common fish, or an Eastern bay;
2. Part of a visage, or self to say;
3. The lowest part of window or door;
Whole. The end of a will that was made before.

156.

I have a little friend who possesses something very precious. It is a piece of workmanship of exquisite skill, and was said by our Blessed Saviour to be an object of His Father’s peculiar care; yet it does not display the attribute of either benevolence or compassion. If its possessor were to lose it, no human ingenuity could replace it; and yet, speaking generally, it is very abundant. It was first given to Adam in Paradise, along with his beautiful Eve, though he previously had it in his possession.

It will last as long as the world lasts, and yet it is destroyed every day. It lives in beauty after the grave has closed over mortality. It is to be found in all parts of the earth, while three distinct portions of it exist in the air. It is seen on the field of carnage, yet it is a bond of affection, a token of amity, a pledge of pure love. It was the cause of death to one famed for beauty and ambition. I have only to add that it has been used as a napkin and a crown, and that it appears like silver after long exposure to the air.

157.

When the king found that his money was nearly all gone, and that he really _must_ live more economically, he decided on sending away most of his wise men. There were some hundreds of them--very fine old men, and magnificently dressed in green velvet gowns with gold buttons. If they _had_ a fault, it was that they always contradicted each other when he asked their advice--and they certainly ate and drank _enormously_. So, on the whole, he was rather glad to get rid of them. But there was an old lay which he did not dare to disobey, which said there must always be:

“Seven blind of both eyes;
Ten blind of one eye;
Five that see with both eyes;
Nine that see with one eye.”

Query: How many did he keep?

158.

Why are not Lowell, Holmes, and Saxe the wittiest poets in America?

159.

Why did they call William Cullen Bryant, Cullen?

160.

Why do we retain only three hundred and twenty-five days in our year?

161.

What seven letters express actual presence in this place; and, without transposition, actual absence from every place?

162.

Is Florence, (Italy,) on the Tiber? If not, on what river does it lie? Answer both questions in one word.

163.

Is there a word in our language which answers this question, and contains all the vowels?

164.

What is it that goes up the hill; and down the hill, and never moves?

165.

What ’bus has found room for the greatest number of people?

166.

In describing a chance encounter with your doctor, what kind of a philosopher do you name?

167.

My FIRST is of my SECOND made,
And holds within its ample bound,
The grosser things of human trade,
From half a ton to half a pound.
But mostly from a barren isle,
Named from the land of Bajazet,
Where tropic sunbeams fiercely smile,
It brings a crystalled muriate.

But, in the land of Moslem mosque,
Of cool sherbet, and scimitar,
Of harem dark and fair kiosk,
It hath an office fouler far
Than e’en the headsman’s sinecure:
For slighted loves and jealousies
It finds a never-failing cure
Deep in the dark Borysthenes.

The fleecy flocks on Scotia’s hills;
The snow-crowned plant on Georgia’s soil,
The Linum with its pale blue bells,
My SECOND yield to human toil.
To shelter from the sun and storm,
It hangs in most unseemly shape
Around the beggar’s shriveled form;
Or fits a dandy, or an ape.

The gentle Rizpah, when the ire
Of Gibeon poured its bloody gall,
Did to the courts of Death retire
To watch the murdered sons of Saul:
More truly great was Aiah’s child,
As on my WHOLE she sat alone,
To fright the wolf and vulture wild,
Than coward Saul upon his throne.

And ever--symbol dark of doom,
A type of deep humility--
My WHOLE speaks of the fearful tomb,
The coffin, shroud, and cypress tree;
Save in the far-off Orient,
Where Light’s own spotless color
Is with the tears of mourners blent,
And made the type of dolor.

168.

What physician stands at the top of his profession?

169.

Would you rather an elephant killed you, or a gorilla?

170.

Why is an amiable and charming girl like one letter deep in thought, another on its way toward you, another bearing a torch, and another slowly singing psalms?

171.

Why is Emma, in a sorrowful mood, one of a certain sect of Jews?

172.

Why is she, always, one of another sect?

173.

What English writer would have been a successful angler?

174.

What is that which you and every living man have seen, but can never see again?

175.

Which is the strongest day in the week?

176.

Come from my FIRST, aye, come!
The battle dawn is nigh;
And the screaming trump, and the thundering drum
Are calling thee to die.
Fight as thy fathers fought,
Fall as thy fathers fell;
Thy task is taught, thy shroud is wrought;
So, forward! and farewell!

Toll ye my SECOND, toll!
Fling high the flambeau’s light;
And sing the hymn for the parted soul
Beneath the silent night.
The wreath upon his head,
The cross upon his breast,
Let the prayer be said, and the tear be shed,
So, take him to his rest!

Call ye my WHOLE, aye, call
The lord of lute and lay;
And let him greet the sable pall
With a noble song to-day.
Go, call him by his name;
No fitter hand may crave
To light the flame of a soldier’s fame
On the turf of a soldier’s grave.

177.

Oh, gloomy, gloomy, is my FIRST
To all who step within!
But doubly gloomy to the one
Who dwells there for his sin.

Oh, silent, silent, are the tongues
Of those who are my NEXT!
Oh, never be unkind to them,
Or with their failings vexed.

Oh, kindly fall sweet pity’s words
Upon the outcast’s heart!
My WHOLE will tell how oft they come
Their blessing to impart.

178.

What a common man often sees;
What a king or emperor seldom sees;
What GOD never sees?

179.

A shining wit pronounced, of late,
That every acting magistrate
Is water in a freezing state.

180.

I’m rough, I’m smooth, I’m wet, I’m dry;
My station low, my title high;
The king my lawful master is,--
I’m used by all, though only his.

181.

My FIRST’S a stream in classic land;
My SECOND all well understand
Who traveled much by public aid
Ere steam ingenious man obeyed.

My FIRST, when cut in two again,
Has part in shedding light ’mong men;
My SECOND, though ’tis no disgrace,
Writes wrinkles on the human face.

My WHOLE is not of recent birth,
But something proved of real worth,
Whose task is to facilitate
The movements of the Ship of State.

182.

I am a king; my palace low, yet rule I with extensive sway;
Great kings had Egypt long ago, but yet I reigned before their day;
To epicures my reign I owe more than to any other thing--
Though guillotine I undergo, it keeps me not from being king.
With head cut off, I am a king; with neck cut off and head left on,
I will be king: yes! I’ll be king though head and neck should both
be gone.
If head and foot I both should lose, a blood relation you’d espy;
For, then, a kin I would disclose: now tell, I pray, what king am I?

183.

My FIRST is in the cornfield seen;
My SECOND in the hedges green;
My WHOLE from glossy vines you glean.

184.

What is the smallest room in the world?

185.

What is often found where it does not exist?

186.

What is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends?

187.

When do your teeth usurp the functions of your tongue?

188.

What word is that to which if you add one syllable, it will be shorter?

189.

What is that which is lower with a head than without one?

190.

What vice is that which people shun if they are ever so bad?

191.

Which travels at greater speed, heat or cold?

192.

My FIRST hath teeth, yet ’tis no man;
It hath no hands, yet work it can.
My NEXT hath teeth, for ’tis a man,
Or ’tis an herb dried on a pan.
My WHOLE hath _no_ teeth: ’tis no man,
’Tis eaten oft by all his clan.

193.

A maid sat sewing in castle hall,
Near an arching window in the wall;
And again and again her song she rehearsed
As she placed on her lover’s kerchief my FIRST,
For her lover was coming from foreign land
To give her his heart, and to claim her hand.

Ah! in foreign dungeon her lover lay,
Where stone on stone shut out every ray.
He never the hand of the maiden would clasp;
He was held by my SECOND’S iron grasp.

With feverish thirst he calls for drink--
Ere long he hears the rattle and clink
Of the jailer’s keys, as he brings the cup,
And bids the prisoner drink it up.

Eagerly, quickly, he slakes his thirst.
Heaven pity the maid! In that draught accurst,
Is mingled my WHOLE; and, with failing breath,
The doomed man sinks in the arms of death.

194.

A word I am of letters seven,
A name to noble women given;
Take three away, (the last I mean,)
And I’m a man fit for a queen;
Remove one more, and, lo! you’ll see
That I my former sex will be;
Another drop, and two remain
Which tell I am a man again.

195.

No rose can boast a lovelier hue
Than I can when my birth is new:
Of shorter date than e’en that flower,
I bloom and fade within an hour.
Though some in me their honor place,
I bear the stigma of disgrace;
Like _Marplot_, eager to reveal
The secret I would fain conceal.
Fools, coxcombs, wits, agree in this,
They equally destroy my peace;
Though ’gainst my will to stoop so low,
At their command I come and go.

196.

When a blind man drank tea, how did he manage to see?

197.

Why is a mouse like grass?

198.

What is the key-note of good breeding?

199.

What is the typical “Yankee’s” key-note?

200.

If you were on the second floor of a burning house and the stairs were away, how would you escape?

201.

My FIRST is nothing but a name;
My SECOND still more small;
My WHOLE is of so little fame,
It has no name at all.

202.

A carpenter made a door and made it too large; he cut it again and cut it too little; he cut it again and made it fit.

203.

A wagoner, being asked of what his load consisted, made the following (rather indirect) reply:

Three-fourths of a cross, and a circle complete;
An upright, where two semi-circles do meet;
A right-angled triangle standing on feet;
Two semi-circles, and a circle complete.
What is it?

204.

Why need people never suffer from hunger on such a desert as Sahara?

207.

How do the arks used for freight on the Mississippi River, differ from Noah’s Ark?

208.

In what order did Noah leave the Ark?

209.

What is Majesty deprived of its externals?

210.

Dreaming of apples on a wall,
And dreaming often, dear,
I dreamed that if I counted all,
How many would appear?

211.

What is most like a bee in May?
“Well, let me think: perhaps--” you say;
Bravo! you’re guessing well to-day.

212.

Three sisters at breakfast were feeding the cat;
The first gave it sole: Puss was grateful for that;
The next gave it salmon, which Puss thought a treat;
The third gave it herring, which Puss wouldn’t eat.
(Explain the conduct of the cat.)

213.

John went out; his dog went with him; he went not before, behind, or on one side of him; then where did he go?

214.

If spectacles could speak to their wearers, what ancient writer would they name?

215.

Part of a foot with judgment transpose,
And the answer you’ll find just under your nose.

216.

A feeling all persons detest,
Although nearly by every one felt;
By two letters fully expressed,
By twice two invariably spelt.

217.

My FIRST implies equality; my SECOND is the title of a foreign nobleman; and my WHOLE is asked and given a hundred times a day with equal indifference; yet is of so much importance that it has saved the lives of thousands.

POSITIVES AND COMPARATIVES.

218.

Where runs the land far out into the sea,
The children shout and frolic in their glee.

219.

Among the singers half a score were found,
But not a voice so sweet as his in sound.

220.

He vowed he never would forgive,
Though twice two years and more he lived.

221.

The noble tree spread out its mighty arms,
Above the house bedecked in painted charms.

222.

He planted there his wheat and corn,
While birds flew high in early morn.

223.

He paid the lawyer when the suit was won,
Glad that his dread of sad defeat was done.

224.

The timid creature wildly looking ’round,
Shrinks back in deadly terror from the sound.

225.

He vowed to prosecute, because
A neighboring drain unsavory was.

226.

How would the Teuton manage to exist,
If this enchanting beverage he missed?

227.

How delightful ’twould be to recline at your ease,
And list to the harp, with its rare melodies!

228.

A gay young man, without ideas,
Oft wearies where he fain would please.

229.

Famed more for genius than good looks;
I went there to procure her books.

230.

The broad expanse, denied his waking sight,
He saw in visions both by day and night.

231.

It brought the miser to his grave;
Even his strong box could not save.

232.

1. Because he will not work for one,
2. The other he will be.

233.

1. The ship came gaily sailing in;
2. Now who so strong as he?

234.

1. If hungry, you may have it all;
2. A funeral pile, you see.

235.

1. Drive home your ball, and come and eat
2. The cakes prepared for tea.

236.

1. While the poet sang his “Farewell, thou sweet river!”
2. It roamed in forests near, as wild and free as ever.

237.

1. Add sugar, more sugar! His grimaces see!
2. Swift rider, bold robber, fierce savage is he.

238.

1. Hand the beverage ’round, adding cream as you go,
2. From the uppermost, down to the lowermost, row.

POSITIVES, COMPARATIVES, SUPERLATIVES.

239.

Pos., A pronoun; Com., A period of time; Sup., Fermenting froth.

240.

Pos., A knot of ribbon; Com., An animal; Sup., Self-praise.

241.

Pos., A reward; Com., Dread; Sup., A festival.

242.

Pos., To reward; Com., A fruit; Sup., An adhesive mixture.

243.

Pos., A meadow; Com., An unfortunate king; Sup., The smallest.

244.

Pos., In a regular line;
Com., With an appetite fine;
Sup., ’Twill be done when we dine.

245.

Pos., Busy, noisy, and cheerful.
Com., The thought of it saddening and tearful;
Sup., Its roar and its fierce claws are fearful.

246.

Pos., The end of all time;
Com., Judge of music and rhyme;
Sup., The Orient clime.

247.

Pos., Denotes a bond or tie;
Com., In the centre it doth lie;
Sup., The billows break on it and die.

248.

Pos., An American genius; Com., To turn out or to flow; Sup., An office, an express, a place, a piece of timber.

249.

Pos., To depart; Com., To wound; Sup., A visible spirit.

250.

Pos., Pleasant, dreary, wet or dry;
Com., If ’tis light or heavy, try,
On your scales, before you buy;
Sup., Don’t spend money foolishly!

251.

A gentleman who had sent to a certain city for a car-load of fuel, wrote thus to his nephew residing there:

“Dear Nephew
;
Uncle John.”

Presently he received the following reply:

“Dear Uncle
:
James.”

252.

Why is a man up stairs, stealing, like a perfectly honorable man?

253.

Why is a ship twice as profitable _as a hen_?

254.

Why can you preserve fruit better by canning it, than in any other way?

255.

Twelve kinds of things in fact, not fiction,
Behind a veil of contradiction.

* * * * *

All dressed in silk, with stately grace,
We stand with ready ears,
And yet the sounds that greet the place
Not one among us hears.^1
We’re keen and quick our holes to find
And run in lively mood,
And yet we’re footless quite and blind,
Although our eyes are good.^2
Our perfect heads can’t give us sense,
Though we are naught without them;^3
Our useful tongues are mere pretense--
No talk or taste about them.^4
Our locks though fine can ne’er be combed;^5
Our teeth can never bite;^6
Our mouths from out our heads have roamed,
And oft outgrow them quite.^7
Our hearts no pity have, or joy,
Yet they’re our richest worth;^8
Our hands ne’er waved at girl or boy,
Or anything on earth.^9
Alive are we, yet buried quite;
Our trust is in our eyes;
They help us out through darkest night,
Though sight stern fate denies.^10
We sally forth when day is done,
And set the owls a-hooting,
And, though we have no bow or gun,
We often go a-shooting.^11
Our souls, alas! are dull and low,
Down-trodden, from the start;
Yet who shall say, in weal or wo,
They’re not our better part?^12

256.

Within this world a creature once did dwell,
As sacred writings unto us do tell,
Who never shall be doomed to Satan’s home,
Nor unto God’s celestial Kingdom come;
Yet in him was a soul that either must
Suffer in Hell, or reign among the just.

257.

What best describes, and most impedes, a pilgrim’s progress?

258.

Why is a girl not a noun?

259.

What part of their infant tuition have old maids and old bachelors most profited by?

260.

What is that which never asks any questions, and yet requires many answers?

261.

What quadrupeds are admitted to balls, operas, and dinner-parties?

262.

If a bear were to go into a linen-draper’s shop, what would he want?

263.

When does truth cease to be truth?

264.

How many dog-stars are there?

265.

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

266.

Why is O the only vowel that can be heard?

267.

Why is a man that has no children invisible?

268.

What is it which has a mouth, and never speaks; a bed, and never sleeps?

269.

Which burns longer, a wax or sperm candle?

270.

Why is a watch like an extremely modest person?

271.

LORD MACAULAY’S LAST RIDDLE.

Let us look at it quite closely,
’Tis a very ugly word,
And one that makes me shudder
Whenever it is heard.
It mayn’t be very wicked;
It must be always bad,
And speaks of sin and suffering
Enough to make one mad.
They say it is a compound word,
And that is very true;
And, when they decompose it,
(Which, of course, they’re free to do)--
If, of the letters they take off
And sever the first three,
They leave the nine remaining
As sad as they can be:
For, though it seems to make it less,
In fact it makes it more,
For it takes the brute creation in,
Which it left out before.

Let’s try if we can mend it--
It’s possible we may,
If only we divide it
In some new-fashioned way,
Instead of three and nine, then,
Let’s make it four and eight;
You’ll say it makes no difference,
At least not very great:
But only see the consequence!
That’s all that needs be done
To change this mass of sadness
To unmitigated fun.
It clears off swords and pistols,
Revolvers, bowie-knives,
And all the horrid weapons
By which men lose their lives;
It wakens holier feelings--
And how joyfully is heard
The native sound of gladness
Compressed into one word!

Yes! four and eight, my friends!
Let that be yours and mine,
Though all the hosts of demons
Rejoice in three and nine.

272.

A word by grammarians used in our tongue,
Of such a construction is seen,
That if, from five syllables one is removed,
No syllable then will remain.

273.

Formed long ago, yet made to-day,
I’m most in use when others sleep;
What few would like to give away,
And none would like to keep.

274.

A lady was asked “What is Josh Billings’ real name? What do you think of his writings?” How did she answer both questions by one word?

275.

Why is Mr. Jones’ stock-farm, carried on by his boys, like the focus of a burning-glass?

276.

++A++ by <. The name of a book, and of its author.

277.

What word in the English language contains the six vowels in alphabetical order?

278.

If the parlor fire needs replenishing, what hero of history could you name in ordering a servant to attend to it?

279.

My FIRST is an insect, my SECOND a quadruped, and my WHOLE has no real existence.

280.

If the roof of the Tower of London should blow off, what two names in English history would the uppermost rooms cry out?

281.

MY FIRST.

In the glance of the sun, when the wild birds sing,
I start in my beauty to gladden the spring;
I weep at the morning marriage, and smile
On the evening tomb, though I die the while.

MY SECOND.

I wander; I sin; though a breath may make
All my frame an effeminate nature take,
And a manly dignity that, as well,
Can of mastery and lordship tell.

MY WHOLE.

I have startled the world to jeering and mirth,
Since that, earthly, I dared to withdraw from the earth;
But I stay, though cut off in my prime, far more
Enlivening and life-full than ever before.

282.

One hundred and one by fifty divide,
Then, if you add naught to the right or left side,
The result will be one out of nine--have you tried?

283.

I am composed of five letters. As I stand, I am a river in Virginia, and a fraud. Beheaded, I am one of the sources of light and growth. Beheaded again, I sustain life; again, and I am a preposition. Omit my third, and I am a domestic animal in French, and the delight of social intercourse in English. Transpose my first four, and I become what may attack your head, if it is a weak one, in your efforts to find me out.

284.

Unto a certain numeral one letter join--sad fate!
What first was solitary, you now annihilate.

285.

My FIRST was heard to “hurtle in the sky,
When foes in conflict met in olden time”;
My SECOND none can yield without a sigh,
Though it has oft been forfeited by crime;
My WHOLE, its ancient uses gone, is found
On sunny uplands, or in forest ground.

286.

Can you tell me why
A hypocrite’s eye
Can better descry
Than you can, or I,
Upon how many toes
A pussy-cat goes?

287.

Walked on earth,
Talked on earth,
Boldly rebuked sin;
Never in Heaven,
Never in Hell,
Never can _enter_ in.

288.

There is a certain natural production that is neither animal, vegetable, nor mineral; it exists from two to six feet from the surface of the earth; it has neither length, breadth, nor substance; is neither male nor female, though it is found between both; it is often mentioned in the Old Testament, and strongly recommended in the New; and it answers equally the purposes of fidelity and treachery.

289.

We are little airy creatures,
All of different voice and features:
One of us in glass is set;
One of us is found in jet;
One of us is set in tin;
One a lump of gold within:
If the last you should pursue,
It can never fly from you.

290.

My FIRST is a point, my SECOND a span;
In my WHOLE often ends the greatness of man.

291.

Wherever English land
Touches the pebbly shore,
My FIRST lies on the sand,
Changing forevermore.
My SECOND oft, I’m told,
State secrets will hold fast,
But, to a key of gold
’Tis known to yield at last.
Fond mother, tender wife,
With agonizing soul,--
The exile, sick of life,--
Have looked and sighed my WHOLE.

292.

I begin with a thousand, I end with a hundred;
My middle’s a thousand again;
The third of all vowels, the ninth of all letters,
Take their place in the rest of the train:
My WHOLE is a thing you never should do,--
At least, you don’t like it, if tried upon you!

293.

A word which always speaks of shame
I pray you, reader, now to name:
Eleven parts my whole contains,
To guess them you must take some pains.

Three groups there be which stand related;
The first with many a word is mated:
The second speaks of favor rare;
The third of plenty everywhere.

Cut off the first; and shameful grows
As fair as any garden rose;
Cut off the last, and lo! ’tis plain,
The word is full of shame again.

294.

The eldest of four brothers did a sound business; the second, a smashing business; the third, a light business; and the youngest, the most wicked business. What were they?

295.

Cut off my head, and singular I am,
Cut off my tail, and plural I appear;
Cut off both head and tail, O wondrous fact!
My middle part remains, though naught is there.

What is my head cut off? A sounding sea.
What is my tail cut off? A roaring river.
Far in the ocean’s depths I fearless play;
Giver of sweetest sounds, yet mute forever.

296.

I’m a creature most active, most useful, most known,
Of the thousands who daily perambulate town.
Take from me one letter, and still you will see
I’m the same as I was; just the same, to a T.
Take two letters from me, take three, or take four,
And still I remain just the same as before:
Indeed I may tell you, although you take all
You cannot destroy me, or change me at all.

297.

My FIRST is up at break of day,
And makes a welcome voice heard,
And goes to bed in twilight gray,
Though neither child nor song-bird.

My SECOND’S known to tongue and pen;
Is fast to all the church walls,
Is always seen in nurseries,
And often when the snow falls.

In green and yellow always dight,
Though melancholy never,
My WHOLE shines bright with golden light,
And emerald, forever.

298.

To fifty add nothing, then five,
Then add the first part of eighteen;
A desert would life be without it,
But with it, a garden, I ween.

299.

What tree bears the most fruit for the Boston market?

300.

Why is the end of a dog’s tail, like the heart of a tree?

301.

Why is a fish-monger not likely to be generous?

302.

Take away my first five, and I am a tree. Take away my last five, and I am a vegetable. Without my last three, I am an ornament. Cut off my first and my last three, and I am a titled gentleman. From his name cut off the last letter, and an organ of sense will remain. Remove from this the last, and two parts of your head will be left.

Divide me into halves, and you find a fruit and an instrument of correction. Entire, I can be obtained of any druggist.

303.

Why was Elizabeth of England a more marvelous sovereign than Napoleon?

304.

A SQUARE-OF-EVERY-WORD PUZZLE.

I.

The desert-king,
Whose presence will
Each living thing
With terror fill.

II.