Chapter V: Part 5

Before taking their hurried departure, the 'Intrusive King' and the French invaders are helping themselves to the spoils of the Spaniards; 'Joe' is assisting himself to the regalia; the generals are packing the royal and ecclesiastical plate of Spain into chests for transport; strong boxes are being filled with bags of ducats and medals; the troopers are making off with sacks of treasure; the curtains are torn down; pictures are wrenched from the walls, and such objects as statues, which cannot be carried away, are ruthlessly destroyed. The French, it appears, wantonly damaged or burnt all the property which came in their way when they were unable to carry it off. The wardrobe, carriages, and plunder from Madrid were retaken by the British army. The numerous carriages, of all descriptions, and tumbrils so completely blocked the road, and filled the contiguous fields, it was difficult to pass. The carriages were completely loaded with baggage, and the miserable animals pushed into deep and wet ditches. The four-wheeled tumbrils were loaded with ammunition and money; the soldiers got thousands of dollars and doubloons; it is said that one man alone secured doubloons to the value of 8,000_l._ The entire plunder, baggage, money, artillery, and the supplies of the French army were taken, carriages, animals, and a great many ladies. Joe always travelled with a suite of the latter, generally beautiful women. It is said there were ten ladies of his private family with him; those were all taken; it is said he only escaped with the clothes on his back, having lost his hat. By way of replenishing his goods and chattels he actually stole the linen, plate, and clothes from every place he stopped at, until he reached the French frontier.'

_September 29, 1808._ _Nap and his Partner Joe._ Published by T. Tegg, 111 Cheapside.--The Dons of Spain and Portugal, reunited in a body, are heartily kicking the two Buonapartes into the mouth of a mysterious monster, opened for the reception of the pair and vomiting forth flames from a cavern supposed to represent the entrance to the infernal region.

So seeing we were fairly nick'd,
Plump to the Devil we boldly kick'd
Both Nap and his Partner Joe!

_October 1, 1808._ _Nap and his Friends in their Glory._ Published by R. Ackermann, 101 Strand.--A remarkably well assorted quartet, according to English views at the period, consisting of Napoleon, seated beside his friends Death, the Devil, and Joseph, ex-king of Spain. Napoleon, at whose back is a view of Malmaison, has risen to propose a toast: 'Come, gentlemen, here is success to plunder and massacre!' Two of the guests are receiving this sentiment with rapture, but 'Joe, the intruder,' is sitting in sulkiness, discomfited by the late experience which had been forced on him.

A NEW SONG--NAP AND HIS FRIENDS IN THEIR GLORY.

_To the Tune of 'Drops of Brandy.'_

NAP.

These Spaniards are terrible rogues,
They will not submit to my fetters,
With patience so gracefully worn--
Nay, sought for--by nations their betters.
But let us return to the charge,
And no longer with levity treat them,
Once get them to lay down their arms,
And I'll warrant, brave boys, we shall beat them.
Rum ti iddidy-iddidy,
Rum ti iddidy I do!

DEATH.

Brother Boney, we'll never despair,
A trusty good friend I have found you,
Kill, plunder, and burn, and destroy,
And deal desolation around you.
Then gaily let's push round the glass,
We'll sing and run riot and revel,
And I'm sure we shall have on our side,
Our very good friend here, the Devil!
Rum ti iddidy-iddidy,
Rum ti iddidy I do!

THE DEVIL.

Believe me, friend Death, you are right,
Although I'm an ugly old fellow,
When mischief is getting afloat,
O then I am jolly and mellow.
As soon as these Spaniards are crush'd
Again we'll be merry and sing, Sirs,
And that we will quickly 'complish,
And Joey here, he shall be king, Sirs.
Rum ti iddidy-iddidy,
Rum ti iddidy I do!

DON JOEY.

Excuse me from lending my aid,
You may jointly pursue them, and spike them,
But lately I've seen them, and own,
If I speak the plain truth, I don't like them.
They Liberty cherish so dear,
That they certainly make her their guide, O,
Who pleases may make themselves King,
But may I be devilled if I do!
Rum ti iddidy-iddidy,
Rum ti iddidy I do!

_October 3, 1808._ _John Bull arming the Spaniards._ Published by R. Ackermann, 101 Strand.--John Bull has arrived to assist the Spaniards. The national prototype, grasping his cudgel of oak, and surrounded by an array of stores of his own liberal providing, is addressing friendly encouragements to the Don: 'My good friend, you see I have brought you clothing for ten thousand men, _viz._, cheese, shoes, stockings, belts, and small clothes, besides arms and ammunition, and if that won't do I'll bring you Gully and Gregson, and the Devil is in it if _they_ won't do!'

His new ally is grateful, and especially looks forward to the assistance of the prize-fighters: 'We thank thee, Johnny, for all thou hast brought, and if thou canst bring the other two we shall be more obliged to thee!'

John Bull has furnished his friend with a tolerably liberal outfit, piles of guns, bayonets, and swords, barrels of powder, shot galore, bales of stockings, shirts, coats, belts, shoes, with (for what reason is not shown) a marvellous selection of cheeses--Stilton, Cheshire, Gloucester, Cambridge, Yorkshire, Leicestershire, Cottenham, Bath, Wiltshire, Cream, Derbyshire, &c.; a sack of gold pieces is also included amongst the supplies: we learn that at one time, on the Peninsula, 'English guineas had no attraction, the dollar or moidore was the medium; but since guineas have been introduced in payment of the army the natives seem to appreciate their value.'

_October 17, 1808._ _Junot disgorging his Booty._ Published by R. Ackermann, 101 Strand.--General Junot has been seized by a British tar, who is making the invader disgorge his plunder, consisting of utensils of gold, jewels, and specie; the Spanish Don is holding a receptacle for this costly booty in course of restitution. The French officers are stamping in despair over the disasters of their chief: '_Morbleu! comme il a mal au coeur, notre pauvre général._' Jack Tar, evidently thinking of 'the yellow boys,' is replying, 'More blue? why, ye lubber, what do ye mean by that? don't ye see it's as yellow as gold?'

_November 19, 1808._ _The Progress of the Emperor Napoleon._ Published by T. Tegg, 111 Cheapside.--The career of the Corsican is set forth pictorially in a progressive series of eight pictures. 'First, A ragged-headed Corsican peasant; second, Studying mischief at the Royal Military Academy at Paris; third, An humble ensign, in a Republican corps, requesting a situation in the British army; fourth, A determined atheistical Republican general ordering his men to fire on the Parisians volleys of grape-shot; fifth, A Turk at Grand Cairo; sixth, A runaway from Egypt; seventh, A devout Catholic; eighth, An Emperor on a "throne of iniquities," _O tempora, O mores!_' On the back of the imperial seat, on which the last step of Napoleon's progress leaves him, is posted a list of murders set down to the Corsican's account:--'Duke d'Enghien, prisoners at Jaffa, Palm, Captain Williams, Pichegru, Caton, Toussant, &c., &c.'

AN ACADEMY FOR GROWN HORSEMEN, AND ANNALS OF
HORSEMANSHIP.

COMMUNICATED BY GEOFFREY GAMBADO, ESQ.

_Riding Master of the Horse, and Grand Equerry to the Doge of Venice._

ILLUSTRATED WITH PLATES, DESIGNED BY H. BUNBURY,
ETCHED BY T. ROWLANDSON.

To turn and wind a fiery Pegasus,
And witch the world with noble horsemanship.--SHAKESPEARE.

GEOFFREY GAMBADO, ESQ.

'As I shall be as concise and explicit as possible in the valuable instructions and discoveries I am now about to communicate to the world, it will be the reader's own fault if he does not profitably benefit by them. When I have told him how to choose a horse, how to tackle him properly, in what sort of dress to ride him, how to ride him out, and, above all, how to ride him home again, if he is not a complete horseman in the course of ten or a dozen summers, I will be bold to foretell that neither the skill of Mr. Astley, nor the experience of Mr. John Gilpin, will ever make him one.

'Nil desperandum, me duce Teucro.

'DIRECTIONS FOR THE ROAD.

'In riding the road, observe in passing a whisky, a phaeton, or a stage-coach, in short, any carriage where the driver sits on the right hand, to pass it on that side, he may not see you on the other, and though you may meet with a lash in the eye, what is the loss of an eye to a leg, or perhaps a neck.

'Take care never to throw your horse down, it is an unlucky trick, and fit only for boys. Many gentlemen of my acquaintance, and I too, have been thrown down by our horses; yet I scarce know an instance upon record of a gentleman throwing his horse down, but many have complained to me of their servants doing it for them.

'In passing a waggon or any tremendous equipage, should it run pretty near a bank, and there be a ditch and an open country on the other side, if you are on business and in a hurry, dash up the bank without hesitation, for should you take the other side, and your horse shy at the carriage, you may be carried many hundred yards out of your road, whereas by a little effort of courage you need only graze the wheel, fly up the bank, and by slipping or tumbling down into the road again go little or nothing out of your way.

'ACCIDENTAL EXPERIMENTS AND EXPERIMENTAL ACCIDENTS, COMMUNICATED
BY VARIOUS CORRESPONDENTS.

_'Letter to Mr. G. Gambado._

'"Sir--I want your advice, and hope you will give it me concerning a horse I have lately bought, and which does not carry me at all in the same way he did the man I bought him of. Being recommended to a dealer in Moorfields (who, I think, is no honester than he ought to be), I went to him and desired to look into his stable, and so he took me in, with a long whip in his hand, which, he said, was to wake the horses that might perhaps be asleep, as they were but just arrived from a long journey, coming fresh from the breeders in the North. There were some fine-looking geldings, I thought, and I pitched upon one that I thought would suit me, and so he was saddled, and I desired the dealer to mount him, and he did, and a very fine figure the gelding cut; and so the people in the street said, and a decent man in a scratch-wig said the man who rode him knew how to make the most of him, and so I bought him. But he goes in a different manner with me, for instead of his capering like a trooper he hangs down his head and tail, and neither whip nor spur can get him out of a snail's gallop. And I want to know whether by law I must keep him, as he is certainly not the horse I took him for, and therefore I ought to have my money again.

'"The limner in our lane was with me when I bought him, and has taken a picture of him as he was with the dealer on his back, and another as he now goes with me upon his back, by which you will see the difference, and judge how better to advise me upon it.

'"I am, Sir, your humble servant,
'"TOBIAS HIGGINS.
'"Lavender Row, Shoreditch."

'_Mr. Gambado's Reply._

'"Sir--Upon a strict examination of the two pictures by the limner in your lane, I am clear you are in possession of the identical horse you intended to purchase, although he does not exhibit quite so much agility under you, or make so tearing a figure as when mounted by Mr. ----, who I am well acquainted with, and who, you may depend, is as honest a man as any that deals in horseflesh.

'"You could have no right to return the horse if he went no better than one with his legs tied. You stand in the predicament of Lord ----, who gave twenty guineas for Punch, and when he found he could not make him speak prosecuted the showman; but my Lord Chief Justice adjudged the man to keep his money, and my Lord his Punch, although he could not get a word out of him.

'"My opinion is, sir, as you ask it, that the decent man in the scratch-wig made a very sensible remark when he observed that my friend Mr. ---- knew how to make the most of a horse, and I am satisfied that you, sir, know with equal facility how to make the least of one.

'"I am, Sir, your humble servant,
'"G. GAMBADO.

'"P.S.--I am sorry to add my maid tells me that two shillings out of your five were very bad ones."

'_Letter to G. Gambado, Esq._

'"Sir--Being informed that you are now at home, and desirous of giving every information in your power to those who may stand in need of it respecting their horses, I beg leave to submit my case to you, which, considering how fond I am of the chase, you must admit to be a lamentable one. Relying, however, sir, as I do, on your philanthropy (I should more properly say Phillipigy) and that zeal in the cause which has so long characterised you, I make no doubt but the small difficulties I now labour under will be soon surmounted.

'"You must know, sir, I am very fond of hunting, and live in as fine a scenting country as any in the kingdom. The soil is pretty stiff, the leaps large and frequent, and a great deal of timber to get over. Now, sir, my brown horse is a very capital hunter, and though he is slow, and I cannot absolutely ride over the hounds (indeed the country is so enclosed that I do not see so much of them as I could wish), yet in the end he generally brings me in before the huntsman goes home with the dogs. So thus far I have no reason to complain. Now, sir, my brown horse is a noble leaper, and never gave me a fall in his life that way, but he has got an awkward trick (though he clears everything with his fore-legs in capital style) of leaving the other two on the wrong side of the fence, and if the gate or stile happens to be in a sound state, it is a work of time and trouble to get his hind-legs over. He clears a ditch finely indeed with two feet, but the others constantly fall in; that gives me a strange pain in my back like what is commonly called lumbago, and unless you kindly stand my friend, and instruct me how I am to bring these hind-legs after me, I fear I shall never get rid of it. If you please, sir, you may ride him a-hunting yourself any day you will please to appoint, and you shall be heartily welcome. You will then be better enabled to give me your advice; you can't have a proper conception of the jerks he will give you without trying him.

'"I am, Sir, with due respect,
'"Your very humble servant,
'"NIC. NUTMEG, Clerk."

'_The Answer._

'"REVEREND SIR,--Your brown horse being so good a hunter, and, as you observe, having so fine a notion of leaping, I should be happy if I could be of any service in assisting you to make his two hind-legs follow the others, but, as you observe, they seem so very perverse and obstinate that I cherish but small hopes of prevailing upon them.

'"I have looked and found many such cases, but no cure.

'"However, in examining my papers I have found out something that may prove of service to you in your very lamentable case.

'"An hostler has informed me that it is a common trick played upon bagsters or London riders, when they are not generous to the servants at the inn, for a wicked boy or two to watch one of them as he turns out of the gateway, and to pop a bush or stick under his horse's tail, which he instantly brings down upon the stick, and holds it fast, kicking at the same time at such a rate as to dislodge the bagman that bestrides him. Here, sir, is a horse that lifts up his hind-legs without moving his fore ones, and just the reverse, as I may say, of yours, and perhaps the hint may be acceptable. Suppose, then, when your horse has flown over a gate or a stile in his old way, with his fore-legs only, you were to dismount and clap your whip or stick properly under his tail and then mount again, the putting him in a little motion will set him on his kicking principles in a hurry, and it's ten to one but, by this means, you get his hind-legs to follow the others. You will be able, perhaps, to extricate your stick from its place of confinement when you are up and over (if you are not down), but should you not it is but sixpence gone. I send you this as a mere surmise; perhaps it may answer, perhaps not.

'"I beg to thank you for your offer, which is a very kind one, but I beg to be excused accepting it; all my ambition being to add to the theory with as little practice as possible.

'"I am, Rev. Sir, your most humble servant,
'"G. GAMBADO."

'_Letter to G. Gambado, Esq._

'"GOOD SIR,--I am in great haste, having a great quickness of pulse, and my bed being now warming, but cannot get into it without first informing you how fast I came home from market to-night, and upon my old mare, too, who was always unkind before as to going. But so it happened. The old mare, that I could never get to go above three miles an hour, as soon as ever I was up, set off, and the devil couldn't stop her till she got home--ten miles in about fifty-eight minutes. I'm in a heat yet. But I have found out her motive, and now the public may make use of it. I had bought a couple of lobsters to carry home, had their claws tied up, and put one into each of my great-coat pockets. Well, the old gentleman in my right pocket (a cunning one, I warrant him) somehow or other contrived to disengage his hands, and no doubt soon applied them to the old mare's side, and, I imagine, had got fast hold of a rib by the time I reached the first mile-stone, for she was mad, I thought, and my hat and wig were gone in a twinkle. However, when I got off, and had taken a little breath, I went into the kitchen to unload, but missed one of my lobsters; so I ran back into the stable, and there was the hero hanging at the old mare's side; she'd had enough of it, and so stood quiet.

'"I thought myself bound to inform you of this, hoping it would prove a great national discovery. I mean to keep lobsters on purpose, for it's cheaper than buying a horse instead of my old mare; and I can go faster with one of them in my pocket than I could post. When my boys come home from school, to hunt in the forest, I mean to treat each of them with a cray-fish for his pony, and then, I think, we shall head the field.

'"I am, sir, yours, ever in haste,
'"PETER PUFFIN."

'_Letter to_ MR. G. GAMBADO, _editor of various learned performances_.

'"SIR,--You have no doubt heard of a description of Natural Philosophers, called Pigeon Fanciers, who breed the bird of that name, and all its varieties. I was once, sir, a member of this community, till growing tired of punters, tumblers, nuns, croppers, runts, &c., &c., I was resolved to enlarge my ideas, by extending my researches and abandoning the biped, to obtain a closer acquaintance with the quadruped. I became a horse-fancier. Being fond of riding, and daily observing, in my airings to Brentford, a great variety of horses, and a still greater variety in their motions, I, some years since, set about making a collection of such as were singular and eccentric in their shapes and actions, and I flatter myself no private museum can boast of a more admirable variety than I have possessed.

* * * * *

'"As amongst pigeons, so amongst horses, there are tumblers. The feat is, however, performed differently, and varies considerably in its effect on the performers. As the pigeon executes this without anything on its back, so the horse seldom achieves it without somebody upon his. To the latter, therefore, we must give the greatest share of merit, who ventures to perform upon a hard road what the other does only in the air, without even a cloud to brush against. The one preferring, it seems, the Milky, and the other the Highway.

'"Among horses, I have never discovered a pouter; but I have had a fine puffer. The noise he made, however, and particularly when at his business, was not pleasant; and I let a neighbour have him cheap, who had a good three-stall museum, and a very heavy vehicle to draw; so that in all weathers he might enjoy the entertainment of his very extraordinary qualifications.

'"It is well known that there is a horse that is called a carrier, so there is a pigeon likewise. But as it may not be known to every one, I must inform you that from very long observation, I find the pigeon is the most expeditious of the two.

'"I am, sir, your very humble servant,
'"BENJ. BUFFON."

'ADVICE TO WOULD-BE HORSEMEN.

'I have given you the hints contained in my previous letters supposing you are at home enough on horseback to ride out alone, and may possibly be tempted to travel the road, as either the lucre of gain, or the _universal passion_, as a celebrated author calls the love of fame, may send you forth.

'Let me entreat you to examine your tackling well at setting out, particularly from an inn and after dinner. See that your girths are tight; many a good fall have I got by not attending to this. Ostlers are too apt to be careless, and ought never to be paid till we see them the next time.[7] An instance of a singular nature occurred at Huntingdon a few years since to the Rev. D. B., of Jesus College, in Cambridge, which has given a discovery to the world (productive, indeed, of a paper war), but which may turn out beneficial to mankind, as it proves 3 to be equal to 4.

'The Doctor dined at the "Crown"; it was dusk when he set out northwards. I myself saw 3_s._ charged in his bill for wine; this accounts for his want of observation. As for the ostler's, I must attribute it to his having been paid beforehand. The Doctor went off at a spurt pretty much in the manner I have recommended, and having got clear of the pavement he wished to (what is called) mend his pace; but his horse was obdurate, and all his influence could not prevail. The Doctor fancied at times he went oddly, and therefore brought to at Alconbury, five miles from Huntingdon, and alighted for an examination, when he discovered that the ostler, through inattention, had buckled up one of the horse's hind-legs in the surcingle; and to this alone he had to attribute his hobbling way of going.

'There was an ostler[8] at Barnet who was a moralist, possibly this at Huntingdon was an experimental philosopher, and thought an old member of the University the most proper subject to put his experiment in execution. It certainly answered as far as five miles; but how it would succeed in bringing horses of different forms together over Newmarket, I am not competent to determine. It seems as if one might work a lame horse thus and keep his unsound leg quiet. If this experiment has been repeated it has been in private, for I have not heard of it; and I much question if it would ever be generally adopted. When I say _generally_, no reflection upon general officers. A timid major, however, might keep his horse in due subjection on a review day by this method.

'GEOFFREY GAMBADO.

'_Letter to_ MR. GAMBADO.

'"I return you my most hearty thanks for the very salutary advice you have been good enough to give me, from which I have derived much improvement, and should have acknowledged sooner had I made sufficient trial of the fine machine you recommended in such warm terms. My hobby, as I told you before, is an admirable animal, and finely calculated for a pensive man like myself to take the air upon. It was a pity he was prone to tumble, and that, too, in stony roads the most, for he was otherwise bordering on perfection. So I sent for a carpenter on the receipt of your recipe, and had a large puzzle of oak made for him, after the pattern of those worn by the Squire's pointers, and I have found it answer prodigiously.

'"I have had nothing like a bad fall lately, except one day in cantering over a ploughed field, where, upon a blunder, the machine entered the ground with such force as to introduce a portion of the hobby's head along with it. We came clean over, and for some time I thought my hobby's neck was broken. I did not mind it myself; but I shall take care in future always to gallop on the hard road, and then such another catastrophe cannot ensue.

'"I am, sir,
'"Your very obsequious humble servant,
'"CALEB CASSOCK.

'" P.S.--I forgot to tell you my parishioners stare at me a good deal. The machine has an odd appearance, I own, but not altogether unpicturesque. I got the drawing master of Mr. Birch's school to send you a sketch of us. It is esteemed a likeness. That of the hobby is rather flattering."

'_My Remarks._

'"I am happy to find the puzzle has answered so well; and I doubt not now it has been tried and approved by such a right-headed reverend gentleman, one who is also so good a horseman, and understands all the matter so well, that, by producing his name, I shall be able to get a patent for it, which cannot but prove very lucrative, for who has the horse that he will swear will never tumble down?

'"This I believe would be a question that would pose (upon oath) every man on horseback in Hyde Park on a Sunday.

'"Though Dr. Shaw, who is a great traveller indeed, has the modesty to assure us that the Barbary horses never lie down; yet even he has not the effrontery to say that they never tumble down!

'"G. G."

'_To_ G. GAMBADO, ESQ.

'"SIR,--Hearing much of your knowledge in horses, I beg leave to ask your advice in a business where my delicacy, as a gentleman, is deeply concerned, and flatter myself that you will sensibly feel for my situation, my future fortune in life depending on your decision. I have the happiness to be well received by a young lady of fortune in this town, who rides out every morning, and has had the goodness to permit me to join her for some days past. I flatter myself I am beloved, but, sir, the horse I ride is my father's, and he will not allow me to part with him: and this horse, sir, has an infirmity of such an embarrassing nature, that our interviews are unpleasantly interrupted at frequent intervals, and my dear Miss S---- will perhaps ride away with some other gownsman who is more decently mounted.

'"Be pleased, sir, to send me a recipe for this complaint, or I may lose my dear girl for ever. I have tried several experiments, but all in vain, and unless you stand my friend I shall go distracted.

'"I am, dear Sir, in a great fuss, yours most truly,
'"GEORGE GILLYFLOWER.
'"St. John's Coll. Cam."

'_Note from my Farrier to the above._

'"HONOURED SIR,--By advice from Mr. Gambado of your horse's complaint, I have sent you a powder so strong, that, if administered night and morning in his corn, I will be bold to say, no horse in England shall ever suffer from the like again after Thursday next. Shall be very thankful for your Honour's custom in the same way in future, and your lady's too, if agreeable; being, Honoured Sir,

'"Your servant to command,
'"JO. WOOD".

'_To_ GEOFFREY GAMBADO, ESQ.

'"KIND SIR,--I have an extraordinary story to tell you, that happened to me t'other day, as I was bringing two pair of stays to Miss Philpot's, at Kentishtown. I lives, sir, at Finchley; and a-top of Highgate Hill, my horse makes a kind of slip with his hind feet, do you see, for it was for all the world like a bit of ice the whole road. I'd nothing for't but to hold fast round his neck, and to squeeze me elbows in to keep the stays safe; and egad, off we set, and never stopt till I got to the bottom. He never moved a leg didn't my horse, but slided promiscuously, as I may say, till he oversate somebody on the road; I was too flurrisome to see who: and the first body I see'd it was a poor man axing charity in a hat. My horse must have had a rare bit of bone in his back, and I sit him as stiff as buckram.

'"Your honor's obedient servant,
'"JAMES JUMPS."'

_The Art of ingeniously tormenting_, with five plates by Woodward and Rowlandson (Tegg).

_The Caricature Magazine, or Hudibrastic Mirror_, in numbers.

THE

CARICATURE MAGAZINE

OR

MIRROR OF MIRTH

BEING A COLLECTION OF HUMOROUS
AND SATIRICAL CARICATURES

DESIGNED AND ENGRAVED

BY THOMAS ROWLANDSON, ESQ.

LONDON

PUBLISHED BY THOMAS TEGG

111 CHEAPSIDE

_The Beauties of Tom Brown_, embellished with engravings by Rowlandson, one vol.

1808. _Chesterfield Travestie, or School for Modern Manners_, embellished with ten caricatures. Engraved by Rowlandson from original drawings by Woodward. Published by Thomas Tegg, 111 Cheapside, 1808. Republished under the title of _Chesterfield Burlesque_, 1811.

_Mottoes._

The better sort should have before 'em
A grace, a manner, a decorum.--BUTLER.

O tempora! O mores!--JUVENAL.

The times are out of joint, O cursed spite,
That ever I was born to set them right.-SHAKESPEARE.

Folding plate to face the title.
Votaries of Fashion in the Temple of Folly.
How to walk the Streets.
The Art of Quizzing.
How to keep up a conversation with yourself in the Public Streets.
How to break a shop window with an umbrella.
Behaviour at table.
Notoriety, Singularity, Whimsical.
Gentleman and Mad Author.

'I will allow you twelve shillings a week to be my amanuensis!--What do you think of that?'

How to look over your husband's hand while at cards, and find fault with him for losing.

The Nobleman and the little Shopkeeper.

_Chesterfield Travestie, or School for Modern Manners._

1. _How to keep up a conversation with yourself in the public streets._--An absent-minded orator (passing the Forum Debating Society), is rehearsing, with lavish declamatory action, his peroration to the amazement and alarm of the passers-by.

2. _Notoriety._--A buck in a _Jean-de-Brie_. _Singularity._--An antiquarian oddity in the costume of three-quarters of a century earlier than the fashion prevailing at the date of the drawing. _Whimsical._--A dwarf of a woman wearing a cloak down to her toes, and peaked poke head-dress.

3. _The Art of Quizzing._--Three dandies are promenading arm-in-arm, and unceremoniously criticising aloud a fine and pretty woman, who is walking with a 'squab-old-put': 'D----d fine woman, pon honour, but what a quiz of a fellow she has taken in tow there!'

_August 25, 1808._ _Behaviour at Table._ Woodward del., Rowlandson sc. Published by T. Tegg, 111 Cheapside.--The author offers four excellent directions touching the genteel 'behaviour expected at table,' and if his injunctions were strictly carried out, there is no question that his pupils would be accepted in every society as remarkably polished and well-bred young gentlemen, who had studied Lord Chesterfield's 'advice' to some purpose; perfect ornaments, indeed, to any company amongst which they might find themselves, and desirable patterns for imitation.

1. Place your elbows on the table like a Church Warden at a parish vestry.

2. Stretch your arms across the table to get at what best suits your appetite.

3. Cough and yawn over the dishes.

4. Loll on two chairs while making use of your toothpick.

1808. _A Lecture on Heads_, by G. A. Stevens,[9] with additions as delivered by Mr. Charles Lee Lewis, embellished with twenty-five humorous characteristic prints, from drawings by George Moutard Woodward Esq. Engraved by Thomas Rowlandson. Published by T. Tegg.

Frontispiece: Interior of Covent Garden Theatre. C. Lee Lewis delivering 'A Lecture on Heads' to a crowded audience.

Sir Whisky Whiffle.
Jockey.
Half Foolish Face.
Drunken Head.
A Freeholder.
Female Moderator.
Master Jacky.
London Blood.
A Lady of the Town.
A Connoisseur.
A worldly-wise man; or a man wise in his own conceit.
Male Moderator.
Italian Singer.
An Old Maid.
An Old Bachelor.
The Crying Philosopher.
Counsellor.
Frenchman.
British Sailor.
Spaniard.
Dutchman.
Politician.
Methodist Preacher.

1808. _British Sailor._ _Frenchman._ _Spaniard._ _Dutchman._ Four characters on a sheet, published by T. Tegg.--The same etchings are given, under similar descriptions, in the 'Lecture on Heads,' by G. A. Stevens, with illustrations by G. M. Woodward, engraved by T. Rowlandson.

_December 1, 1808._ _Miseries of Human Life_ (Plates issued in previous years and collected in 1808). Designed and etched by T. Rowlandson, and published by R. Ackermann, 101 Strand.--Frontispiece: The title in a frame; below it a gouty old miser, wrapped in flannel, is being dragged off in his chair by Death, in spite of his crutch and his struggles to get back to his riches, spread in the strong box, over which he has lost all control; his heirs in the meantime are helping themselves, making light of his hoarded savings, and taunting the impotent money-grubber, who has accumulated riches for them to fling away.

_Miseries of Human Life._--Introductory dialogue: 'Sickness befriends temperance by the simplicity of diet which it introduces; it wards off the varied injuries of the open air by requiring the party to inhale a thousand times over, the cherishing, equable, and safely treasured atmosphere of a chamber.'

The picture treats all these fanciful advantages from a burlesque point of view: a sufferer is on his pallet surrounded by all the inconveniences of washing, cooking, and other domestic arrangements, limited to _one apartment_, to serve him as 'kitchen, parlour, and bed-room, and all.'

_Miseries of the Country._--Following on horseback a slow cart, through an endless narrow lane, at sunset, when you are already too late, and want all the help of your own eyes, as well as your horse's feet to carry you safe through the rest of your unknown way.

_More Miseries._--'Being overpersuaded to stand up in a country dance, when you know, or, what is equally bad, conceive that a bear would eclipse you in grace and agility.' (_April 1, 1807._)

_Fabricious's Description of the Poets._ Vide 'Gil Blas.'--'People think that we often dine with Democritus, and there they are mistaken. There is not one of my fraternity, not even excepting the makers of Almanacs, who is not welcome to some good table. As for my own part, there are two families where I am received with pleasure. I have two covers laid for me every day, one at the house of a fat director of the farms, to whom I have dedicated a romance, and the other at the house of a rich citizen, who has the disease of being thought to entertain wits every day at his table; luckily he is not very delicate in his choice, and the city furnishes him with great plenty.' (1807.)

_Miseries of Human Life._--Struggling through the curse of trying to disentangle your hair, when by poking curiously about on board of ship it has become clammed and matted with pitch or tar, far beyond all the powers of the comb. (1807.)

_More Miseries._--Having so flaccid a cheek that the parish barber, who shaves you, is obliged to introduce his thumb into your mouth to give it a proper projection, cutting his thumb in this position with the razor. (1807.)

_Miseries of Social Life._--Escorting four or five country cousins, on their first importation into London from the _Terra Incognita_ of England, to the lions, the waxworks, the monuments, &c. &c.

_Miseries Miscellaneous._--Stepping out of a boat at low water on a slippery causeway, upon a stone which slides under you, and you descend in the mud up to the chin. (1807.)

_A Stag at Bay, or Conjugal Felicity._ _A Romance._--A matrimonial dispute; the wife is attacking her spouse incontinently, and he is protecting himself, and keeping the aggressor at arm's length with a dirty mop.

_The Shaver and the Shavee._ H. Bunbury del., Rowlandson sc.

_Showing off._--A pair of horsemen are endeavouring to put on a sportsmanlike appearance, which is somewhat disturbed by the restiveness of their steeds; one rider is slipping off, and the other, while his horse is going down on his knees in a reverential posture, is flung over the animal's head.

_The Production of a Post-House._--The stable-door of a post-house is opened, and a sorry broken-kneed ramshackle horse is trotted out, to the amusement of the people standing about, and to the horror of a gentleman who has evidently come for a mount.

_Symptoms of Choking._--A corpulent individual has suddenly left the dinner-table, under an impulse to choke; the rest of the company are thrown into such alarm at his critical situation, that the table-cloth, soup-turreens, wine, decanters, plates, glasses, and all the service are dragged on to the floor in universal destruction. (1806.)

_The Enraged Vicar._--A smaller version of this subject (see March 1, 1807).

To see them rattle, howl, and tear,
By Jove, 'twould make a parson swear.

_Symptoms of Restiveness._--The restiveness referred to appears to be nothing more than a tendency to rest in one spot; a sailor, probably at Portsmouth, from the view of the sea and shipping, is mounted on a steed which he is vainly belabouring with a cudgel, while an old hag is banging away at the poor brute with a long and heavy broom, to the delight of a convivial party, assembled to drink outside a public-house, within view of the dilemma. (1808.)

_Pall Mall._

O bear me to the paths of fair Pall Mall,
Safe are thy pavements, grateful is thy smell;
At distance rolls along the gilded coach,
Nor sturdy carmen on thy walks encroach. (1807.)

_Miseries of Public Places._--After the play, on a raw, wet night, with a party of ladies, fretting and freezing in the outer lobbies and at the street-doors of the theatre, among chairmen, barrow-women, yelling linkboys, and other human refuse, in endless attempts to find out your servant or carriage, which, when found out at last, cannot be drawn up nearer than a furlong from the door. (_January 1, 1807._)

_Miseries Miscellaneous._--The necessity of sending a verbal message of the utmost consequence by an ass, who, you plainly perceive, will forget (or rather has already forgotten) every word you have been saying. (_January 1, 1807._)

_Miseries of Reading and Writing._--As you are writing drowsily by the fire, on rousing and recollecting yourself, find your guardian in possession of your secret thoughts, which he never ceases to upbraid you with. (_January 1, 1807._)

_Miseries Personal._--When in the gout receiving the ruinous salutation of a muscular friend (a sea captain), who, seizing your hand in the first transports of a sudden meeting, affectionately crumbles your chalky knuckles with the gripe of a grasping-iron, and then further confirms his regard for you by greeting your tenderest toe with the stamp of a charger. (_January 1, 1807._)

_Miseries of the Country._--While you are out with a walking party, after heavy rains, one shoe suddenly sucked off by the boggy clay, and then, in making a long and desperate stretch (which fails), with the hope of recovering it, the other is left in the same predicament. The second stage of ruin is that of standing, or rather tottering in blank despair, with both bare feet planted ankle-deep in the quagmire. (_January 1, 1806._)

_Miseries of London._--Chasing your hat (just blown off in a high wind) through a muddy street--a fresh gust always whisking it away at the moment of seizing it; when you have at last caught it deliberately putting it on, with all its sins upon your head, amidst the jeers of the populace. (_January 1, 1807._)

_Miseries of Travelling._ '_O Miserabile mihi._' Published by T. Rowlandson, Adelphi.--A restive horse in a gig backing into the windows of a potter's shop; alarmed at the terrific crash, you become panic-struck, with the perspiration starting from every pore. (_April 12, 1807._)

_Miseries of Travelling._--Being mounted on a beast who, as soon as you have watered him on the road, proceeds very coolly to repose himself in the middle of the pond, without taking you at all into his counsel or paying the slightest attention to your remonstrances. (1807.)

_Miseries of Social Life._--Sitting for hours before a smoky chimney, like a Hottentot in a kraal; then, just as your sufferings seem at last to be at an end, puff, puff, whiff, whiff, again, far more furious than ever. Add to this a scolding wife. (_January 1, 1807._)

_Miseries of Social Life._--Walking in a wind that cuts to the bone, with a narrating companion, whose mind and body cannot move at the same time; or, in other words, who, as he gets on with his stories, thinks it necessary, at every other sentence, to stand stock-still, face about, and make you do the same; then, totally regardless of your shivering impatience to push on, refuses to stir an inch till the whole of his endless thread is fairly wound out. 'Dixit et adversi stetit ora.' (1807.)

_Miseries of the Country._--Losing your way on foot at night in a storm of wind and rain, and this immediately after leaving a merry fireside. (1806.)

_More Miseries._--Being nervous and cross-examined by Mr. Garrow (in a Law Court). (_April 1, 1807._)

_More Miseries._--Endeavouring to make violent love under the table and pressing the wrong foot. (_April 1, 1807._)

_More Miseries._--Sitting on a chair which a servant has fractured and put together the preceding morning, and upon attempting to lean back falling to the ground before a large party; a country servant bursting into a roar of laughter. (_April 1, 1807._)

_More Miseries._--Being obliged to kiss a remarkably plain woman at forfeits, when you engaged in the pastime only with the hope of being able to salute a lovely young lady, to whom you are particularly attached. (_April 1, 1807._)

_Miseries of Travelling._--Starting for a long ride, on a dinner engagement, without a great-coat, in a mist, a mizzle, a drizzle, a rain, a torrent. On arriving at the house at last, completely drenched, you have to beg the favour of making yourself look like a full or empty sack, by wearing your host's clothes, he being either a dwarf or a giant, and you the contrary. (_January 1, 1807._)

_Miseries of Games, Sports, &c._--In skating, slipping in such a manner that your legs start off in this unaccommodating posture; from which, however, you are soon relieved by tumbling forwards on your nose, or backwards on your skull. Also learning to cut the outside edge on skates that have no edge to cut with--ice very rugged. (_January 1, 1807._)

_More Miseries._--In the country, going to a party to dinner, getting very tipsy, quitting the house in a dark night, and getting upon your horse with your face towards the tail, and wondering during the few minutes that you are able to keep your seat, amidst the jeers of your companions, what freak can have entered the brain of the beast to go backwards. (_April 1, 1807._)

_Miseries of the Table._--Inviting a friend, whom you know to be particularly fond of the dish, to partake of a fine hare, haunch, &c., which you have endeavoured to keep exactly to the critical moment, but which is no sooner brought in than the whole party, with one nose, order it to be taken out. (1807.)

_More Miseries._--At an inn, going into a bed too short, with a wooden leg, which you were too fatigued to unstrap, drawing up the living one, going to sleep with the other sticking out at the bottom, which, when the chambermaid comes in for the candle, she conceives to be the handle of the warming-pan, which she has carelessly left in the bed. (_April 1, 1807._)

_More Miseries._--Sending a challenge, requesting a timid friend to attend you to the field, who, you think, will not fail to acquaint the magistrate of it; going with honour to the appointed spot, anxiously looking back at every step to see if the Bow Street officers are coming, without seeing a soul but your antagonist and the seconds. (_April 1, 1807._)

_Miseries Domestic._--Squatting plump on an unsuspected cat in your chair. (_January 1, 1807._)

_More Miseries._--Being persuaded to put your finger into the cage of a parrot and to rub its poll, upon an assurance, from its doating mistress, that it is the most gentle bird in the universe, suddenly feeling the sanguinary effects of its beak. (_April 1, 1807._)

_More Miseries._--Having a newly-rolled gravel walk, finding some friends whom you had asked to dine with you amusing themselves before dinner by drawing each other in your child's chaise, which disastrously stood at the bottom of the garden, within sight; seeing the narrow wheels cut up the walk most unmercifully, and being deterred by a false notion of politeness from giving them a hint to desist. (_April 1, 1807._)

_Cold Broth and Calamity._--A smaller edition of this subject, the disasters of various parties on the ice, but treated with perfect originality as regards the various incidents.

_Miseries Domestic._--Waking in the middle of the night in a state of raging thirst, eagerly blundering to the washing-stand, and there finding the broad-mouthed pitcher, which you lift to your lips, so full that, besides amply satisfying your thirst, it keeps cooling your heated body, and purifying your linen with the overplus. (_1806._)

_Miseries of the Country._ Published by T. Rowlandson, Adelphi.--Passing the worst part of a rainy winter in a country so inveterately miry as to imprison you within your own premises; so that by way of exercise, and to keep yourself alive, you take to rolling your gravel walks (though already quite smooth), cutting wood (though you have more logs than enough), working the dumb-bells, or such other irrational exercise. (_April 12, 1807._)

_Miseries of the Country._--While deeply, delightfully, and, as you hope, safely engaged at home in the morning, after peremptory orders of denial to all comers whomsoever, to be suddenly surprised, through the treachery or folly of your servant, by an inroad from a party of the starched, stupid, cold, idle natives of a country town, who lay a formal siege (by sap) to your leisure. (_1807._)

_Miseries of London._--Being a compulsory spectator and auditor of a brawling and scratching match between two drunken drabs, in consequence of the sudden influx of company, by whom you are hemmed in a hundred yards deep in every direction, leaving you no chance of escape till the difference of sentiment between the ladies is adjusted. Where you stand you are (that is, I was) closely bounded in front by a barrow of cat's meat, the unutterable contents of which employ your eyes and nose, while your ear is no less fully engaged by the Tartarean yell of its driver. (_1807._)

_Miseries of Travelling._--On packing up your clothes for a journey, because your servant is a fool, the burning fever into which you are thrown when, after all your standing, stamping, kneeling, tugging, and kicking, the lid of your trunk refuses to approach within a yard of the lock. (_1807._)

_More Miseries._ Published by R. Ackermann.--Being pinned up to a door, round the neck, by the horns of an enraged overdriven ox. (_April 1, 1807._)

_Miseries of the Country._--While on a visit in the Hundred of Essex being under the necessity of getting dead-drunk every day to save your life. (See 1807, p. 78.)

Et propter vitam vivendi perdere causas....

_Miseries of Social Life._--Dining and passing the whole evening with a party of fox-hunters, after they have had what they call 'glorious sport;' and, while you execrate the very name of a hound, being gorged with the _crambe recocta_ of one chase after another, till you wish the country was underground. (_January 1, 1807._)

THE MICROCOSM OF LONDON,

OR

LONDON IN MINIATURE.

_With Illustrations by Pugin and Rowlandson._

PUBLISHED BY R. ACKERMANN, REPOSITORY OF ARTS, 101 STRAND.

With reference to the illustrations, which form the principal feature of this work, we borrow a paragraph from the 'Introduction':--

'The great objection that men fond of the fine arts have hitherto made to engravings on architectural subjects has been that the buildings and figures have almost invariably been designed by the same artists. In consequence of this the figures have been generally neglected, or are of a very inferior cast, and totally unconnected with the other part of the print; so that we may sometimes see men and women in English dresses delineated in an English view of an Italian palace, and Spanish grandees in long cloaks and ladies in veils seated in one of our own cathedrals.

The dress, we know, is neither new nor rare;
But how the powers came it there?

'To remove these glaring incongruities from the publication, a strict attention has been paid, not only to the country of the figures introduced in the different buildings, but to the general air and peculiar carriage, habits, &c., of such characters as are likely to make up the majority in particular places.

'The architectural part of the subjects that are contained in this work will be delineated, with the utmost precision and care, by Mr. Pugin, whose uncommon accuracy and elegant taste have been displayed in former productions. With respect to the figures, they are from the pencil of Mr. Rowlandson, with whose professional talents the public are already so well acquainted that it is not necessary to expatiate on them here. As the following list comprises almost every variety of character that is found in this great metropolis, there will be ample scope for the exertion of his abilities; and it will be found that his powers are not confined to the ludicrous, but that he can vary with his subject, and, wherever it is necessary, descend

From grave to gay, from lively to severe.'

Rowlandson and Pugin del. et sc.

1. Drawing from Life at the Royal Academy, Somerset House.

2. Exhibition Room, Somerset House. Great Room at the Royal Academy,
at the time of the annual picture Exhibition.

3. Board Room of the Admiralty, Parliament Street.

4. A View of Astley's Amphitheatre, Westminster Bridge.

5. The Asylum, or House of Refuge for Friendless and Deserted Girls,
Lambeth.

6. Christie's Auction Room.

7. The Great Hall, Bank of England.

8. Bartholomew Fair, Smithfield.

9. Billingsgate Market.

10. The Hall, Blue Coat School, during the orations on the grand
anniversary, St. Matthew's Day, September 21.

11. Bow Street Office. An Examination before the Magistrates.

12. Pass Room, Bridewell.

13. British Institution, Pall Mall (late Alderman Boydell's
'Shakespeare Gallery').

14. The Hall and Staircase, British Museum, Montague House.

15. The Great Hall, Carlton House, Pall Mall.

16. The Roman Catholic Chapel, Lincoln's Inn Fields.

17. Coal Exchange.

18. The Royal Cockpit, Bird Cage Walk, St. James's Park.

19. Water Engine, Coldbath Fields Prison.

20. The College of Physicians, Warwick Lane.

21. House of Commons. (During a Debate.)

22. Court of Chancery, Lincoln's Inn Hall.

23. Court of Common Pleas, Westminster Hall.

24. Court of King's Bench, Westminster Hall.

25. Court of Exchequer, Westminster Hall.

26. Covent Garden Market. Westminster Election. Hustings in front of
St. Paul's Church.

27. Covent Garden Theatre. (During the performance of an Oratorio.)

28. The Custom House, from the Thames.

29. The Long Room, Custom House.

30. The Debating Society (the Athenian Lyceum), Piccadilly.

31. Doctors' Commons (Great Rider Street, St. Paul's.)

32. Drury Lane Theatre.

33. The Corn Exchange, Mark Lane.

34. Exhibition of the Society of Painters in Water Colours, Old Bond
Street.

35. Fire in London. (Albion Mills, Surrey side of Blackfriars Bridge;
burnt March 3, 1791.)

36. Fleet Prison (the Debtors' Prison, as rebuilt after the riots in
1780), Ludgate Hill.

37. Foundling Hospital. (The Chapel.)

38. Freemasons' Hall (Freemasons' Tavern), Great Queen Street.

39. Great Subscription Room at Brooks', St. James's Street.

40. Guildhall.

41. Guildhall, Court of King's Bench. Examination of a Bankrupt
before his Creditors.

42. Common Council Chamber, Guildhall.

43. The Hall, Heralds' Office, or the College of Arms, St. Benet's
Hill, Doctors' Commons.

44. Middlesex Hospital, Charles Street (Ward Room).

45. East India Company. The Sale Room.

46. King's Bench Prison (Debtors, &c.), St. George's Fields.