Chapter IV: Part 4

¶ On Ashe Wednesday in the mornynge, was a curate of a churche whyche had made good chere the nyght afore and sytten up late, and came to the churche to here confessyon, to whome there came a woman; and among other thynges she confessed her that she had stolen a potte. But than, because of greate watche that this preest had, he there sodenly felle aslepe; and whan this woman sawe him nat wyllynge to here her, she rose and went her waye. And anone an other woman kneled down to the same preest and began to say: Benedicite; wherwith this preest sodenly awaked, and wenynge she had ben the other woman,[133] sayd all angerly, what! arte thou nowe at Benedicite agayne? tell me, what dyddest thou whan thou haddest stolyn the potte?

FOOTNOTES:

[131] Orig. reads _Comode_.

[132] Weened.

¶ _Of mayster Whyttynton dreme._[134] lxxxvii.

¶ Sone after one maister Whyttynton had bylded a colege, on a nyght as he slepte, he dremed that he satte in his church and many folkes there also; and further he dremed that he sawe Our Lady in the same church with a glas of goodly oyntemente in her hande goynge to one askynge him what he had done for her sake; which sayd that he had sayd Our Ladyes sauter[135] euery daye: wherfore she gaue him a lytel of the oyle. And anone she wente to another. * * *

_Several lines wanting._

_he had buylded_ a great college, and was very gladde in hys mynde. _Whan that Oure Ladye cam to hym_, she asked him what he hadde suffred for her _sake, this_ questyon made him greatly abashed, because he had nothing to _answer; wherefore Our Lady_ him informed that for all the great dede of buyldynge _of a colege he must haue no parte of_ that goodly oyntemente.

_By this ye may perceue_, that to suffre for Goddes sake is more _acceptable to God than to buyld or_ gyue great goodes.

FOOTNOTES:

[133] Orig. reads _and_ after _woman_.

[134] The celebrated Sir Richard Whittington. In his _If you know Not me you know No Body_, Part ii. 1606, Heywood introduces the following dialogue respecting Whittington between Dean Nowell and Old Hobson, the haberdasher of the Poultry:--

"_Dr. Now._ This Sir Richard Whittington, three times Mayor, Son to a knight, and 'prentice to a mercer, Began the library of Gray-friars in London, And his executors after him did build Whittington College, thirteen almshouses for poor men, Repair'd Saint Bartholomew's, in Smithfield, Glared the Guildhall, and built Newgate.

_Hob._ Bones a me, then, I have heard lies; For I have heard he was a scullion, And rais'd himself by venture of a cat.

_Dr. Now._ They did the more wrong to the gentleman."

[135] Psalter.

¶ _Of the prest that killed his horse called modicus._ lxxxviii.

¶ _A certayne Bysshoppe_ appoynted to go on visytacion to a preeste's; _and, bycause he_ would haue the preest do but lyttel coste vpon him, he told him to prepare but lytell meate saying thus: Preparas * * * * * _modicus_. This preest whyche understode hym nat halfe well, had _some desire_,[136] wherfore he thoughte to obtayne the bysshoppes fauour; _and therfore againste_ the bysshoppes comynge kylled his horse that was _called Modicus_, whereof the bysshoppe and his seruauntes ete parte; whiche, _whan the byss_hoppe knewe afterwarde, was greatly displeased.

By this ye may se, that many a fole dothe moche coste in makyng _good chere_ at dyners, whiche bathe but lytell thanke for his laboure.

FOOTNOTES:

[136] Wanting in orig. and left blank by Singer. I have supplied them from conjecture.

¶ _Of the Welcheman that stale the Englysshmans cocke._ lxxxix.

¶ A Welcheman dwellynge in Englande fortuned to stele an Englysshemans cocke, and set it on the fyre to sethe; wherefore thys Englysheman, suspecting the Welcheman, came to his house, and sawe the cocke sethyng on the fyre and said to the Welcheman thus: syr, this is my cocke. Mary, quod the Welcheman; and if it be thyne, thou shalte haue thy parte of it. Nay, quod the Englyssheman, that is nat ynoughe. By cottes blut and her nayle! quod the Welcheman, if her be nat ynoughe nowe, her will be ynoughe anone: for her hath a good fyre under her.

¶ _Of hym that brought a botell to a preste._ xc.

¶ Certayne vycars[137] of Poules, disposed to be mery on a Sonday at hye masse tyme, sente another madde felowe of theyr acquointance unto a folysshe dronken preest to gyue hym a bottell, whiche man met with the preest upon the toppe of the stayres by the chauncell dore, and spake to him and sayd thus: syr, my mayster hath sente you a bottell to put your drynke in, because he can kepe none in your braynes. This preest, therwith beynge very angry, all sodenly toke the bottell, and with his fote flange it downe into the body of the churche upon the gentylmans hede.[138]

FOOTNOTES:

[137] Priests.

¶ _Of the endytement of Jesu of Nazareth._ xci.

¶ A certayne Jury in the countye of Myddelsex was enpaneled for the kynge to enquere of all endytements, murders, and felonyes. The persones of this panell were folyshe, couetous and unlerned: for who so euer wolde gyue them a grote, they wolde affyne and verifye his byll, whether it were true or fals, withoute any profe or euydence; wherefore one that was * * * *

_Some lines wanting._

_the Jury loking_ on the grote and nothing on the byll as was their _costome_, which byll whan it was presented into the courte, _the judge_ said openly before all the people: lo! syrs, here is the _straungest byll euer_ presented by an enquest: for here they haue indyted _Jesu of Nazareth_ for stelyng of an asse. Which whan the people harde it, it _made them all to laughe_, and to wonder at the folysshenes and shamefull periury _of the Jury_.

By this ye may se, it is great parell[139] to enpanell _men upon an_ enquest, whiche be folysshe and haue but small _witte or honesty_.

FOOTNOTES:

[138] Orig. reads _gentylmens_.

¶ _Of the frere that preched agaynst them that rode on the Sonday._ xcii.

¶ In a certayne parryshe, a frere preched and _said moche_ againt them, that rode on the Sonday euer lokyng upon _one that was there_, spurred redy to ryde. This man, perceuyng that _the frere loked at_ hym, sodenly halfe in angre answered the frere thus: _I meruayle that ye say so_ moche agaynste them that ryde on the Sonday: for Christe _rode into Jerusalem_ on Palme Sonday, as thou knowest well it is wrytten * * * _To_ whome the frere sodenly answered and sayd thus: _but knowe ye not also what came_ thereof? Was he nat hanged on the Fryday after! Whiche hearing _all them that were_ in the churche fell on laughynge.

FOOTNOTES:

[139] Peril.

¶ _Of the one broder that founde a purs._ xciii.

¶ There was a certayne man that had two sonnes unl_yke eche other_. For the eldyst was lustye and quycke, and vsed moch_e betimes to_ walke into the fyldes. Than was the yonger slowe, and vsed _moche_ to lye in his bed as long as he myght. So on a day the elder, as _he was vsed_, rose erly and walked into the fyldes; and there by fortune he founde a purse of money, and brought it home to his father. His father, whan he had it, wente strayght to hys other sonne yet lyenge than in his bed and sayd to him: o thou slogarde, quod he, seyst thou nat thyne eldest brother, howe he by hys erly rysyng had founde a purse with money whereby we shall be greatly holpen all our lyfe, whyle thou sluggynge in thy bedde dost no[140] good but slepe? He than wyst nat what to say, but answered shortly and said: father, quod he, if he that hathe loste the purse and money had lyne in hys bedde that same tyme that he loste it, as I do nowe, my brother had founde no purse nor money to day.

By this ye may se, that they that be accustomed in vyce and synne will alwaye fynde one excuse or other to cloke therewyth theyr vyce and vnthryftynes.

FOOTNOTES:

[140] Orig. reads _thou sluggynge in thy bedde dost thou no good_, which repetition of _thou_ seems unnecessary.

¶ _Of the answere of the mastres to the mayde._ xciv.

¶ A certayne wyfe there was, whiche was somwhat fayre, and, as all women be that be fayre, was somwhat proude of her beautye; and as she and her mayde satte together, she, as one that was desyrous to be praysed, sayd to her thus: I, faythe, Jone, howe thynkest thou? am I nat a fayre wyfe? Yes, by my trouth, maistres, quod she, ye be the fayrest that euer was excepte * * *

_The end is wanting._

¶ _Of the northern man that was all harte._ xcv.

_Of this tale but a small fragment remains._

¶ _Of the burnynge of olde John._ xcvi.

¶ _In a certayne_ towne there was a wife somewhat aged, that had beryed _her husbande_, whose name was John, whome she so tend_erlye loued in his_ lyfe, that after hys dethe she caused an ymage of tymber _to be made in forme_ and persone as lyke to hym as coulde be; whiche ymage _she kept carefully_ under her bedde; and euery nyghte she caused her mayde to _wrap the ymage in a shete_ and lay it in her bedde; and called it olde John. Thys _widowe had_ a prentyse whose name was John; whiche John wolde fayne _haue married hys_ maystres, nat for no great pleasure, but onely for her good _substance: for she_ was ryche. Wherefore he ymagened howe he myght obtayne hys _desire and so dyd_ speke to the mayde of the house, and desyred her to lay hym in hys maystres bedde for one nyghte in stede of the pycture,[141] and promysed her a good rewarde for her laboure; whyche mayde ouer nyghte wrapped the sayde younge man in a shete, and layde hym in his maysters bedde, as she was wonte to laye the pycture. Thys wydowe was wonte euery nyght, before she slepte and dyuers tymes whan she waked, to kysse the sayde pycture of olde John: wherefore the sayde nyghte she kyssed the sayde yonge man, beleuynge that she hadde kyste the picture. And he sodenly sterte,[142] and toke her in his armes, and so well pleased her than, that olde John from thens forth was clene out of her mynde, and [she] was contente that this yonge John shulde lye with her styll all that nyghte, and that the pycture of olde John shulde lye styll under the bedde for a thynge of noughte. After thys in the mornynge, thys wydowe, intendynge to please this yonge John whyche had made her so good pastyme all the nyght, bad her mayde go dresse some good mete for their brekefast to feaste therwith her yonge John. This mayde, whan she had longe sought for wode to dresse the sayde mete, told her maystres that she coude fynde no wode that was drye, except onelye the pycture of olde John that lyeth under the bed. * * * * * * * *

_Some lines wanting._

and dressyd the brekfast; and so olde John _was brenyd; and_ from thens forth yong John occupyed _his place_.

FOOTNOTES:

[141] Not here put as a painting, but in a general sense, as a representation.

[142] The old perfect of _start_. The orig. reads _starte_.

¶ _Of the courtear that ete the hot custarde._ xcvii.

¶ A certayne merchaunt and a courtear, _being upon a time together_ at dyner hauing a hote custerd, _the courtear being_ somwhat homely of maner toke _parte of it and put it_ in hys mouth, whych was so hote that made him _shed teares. The_ merchaunt, lokyng on him, thought that he had _ben weeping, and asked hym why_ he wept. This curtear, not wyllynge [it] to be kn_own that he had brent his_ mouth with the hote custerd, answered and said, sir: q_uod he, I had_ a brother whych dyd a certayn offence wherfore he was hanged; _and, chauncing_ to think now vppon his deth, it maketh me to wepe. This merchaunt thought the courtear had said trew, and anon after the merchaunt was disposid to ete _of the custerd_, and put a sponefull of it in his mouth, and brent his mouth also, that his _eyes watered_. This courtear, that perceuyng, spake to the merchaunt and seyd: sir, quod _he, pray_ why do ye wepe now? The merchaunt perseyued how he had _bene deceiued_ and said[143]: mary, quod he, I wepe, because thou wast not hangid, _when that_ thy brother was hangyd.

¶ _Of the thre pointes belonging to a shrewd wyfe._ xcix.

¶ A yong man, that was desirous to haue a wyf, cam to a company _of Phi_losofers which were gadred to gider, requiring them to gif _him their opinion_ howe he might chose him sich a wyf that wer no shrew. Th_ese Philos_ofers with gret study and delyberacion determinid and shewd this man that there _were iii espe_cial pointes, wherebi he shuld sure know if a woman were a shrew. The _i point is_ that if a woman have a shril voyce, it is a gret token that she is a shrew. The ii point is that, if a woman have a sharp nose, then most commenly she is a shrew. _The_ iii point that neuer doth mis is[144] that if she were [a] kerchefer,[145] ye may be sure she is a shrew.

FOOTNOTES:

[143] Singer inserts _answered_ before _and said_; but the word does not appear to be required.

¶ _Of the man that paynted the lamb upon his wyfes bely._ c.

¶ A Conning painter ther was dwelling in London, which had a fayre yong wife, and for thingis that he had to do went ouer se; but because he was somwhat jelous, he praed his wyfe to be content, that he might paint a lamb upon her bely, and praed her it might remain ther, til he cam home again; wherewith she was content. After which lamb so painted he departid; and sone after that, a lusti yong merchaunt, a bacheler, came and woed his wyf, and obteined her fauor, so that she was content he shuld lye with her; which resortid to her and had his plesure oftymes; and on a time he toke a pensell, and to the lamb he painted ii hornys, wening to the wif that he had but refreshed the old painting. Than at the last, about a yere after, her husband cam home again, and the first night he lay with his wyfe, he loked uppon his wifes bely, and saw the ii hornes painted there. He said to his wif, that some other body had ben besy there, and made a new painting: for the picture that he painted had no hornes and this hath hornes; to whome this wif shortly * * * *

_cetera desunt._

_Here endeth the booke of a C. mery Talys. Imprinted
at London at the sygne of the meremayde
at powlys gate nexte to chepesyde._

¶ _Cum priuelegio Regali._

FOOTNOTES:

[144] Orig. reads _the iii point is that never mis that, &c._

[145] A very costly article of female dress during the reigns of the Tudor and Stuart sovereigns. It constituted part of the head-gear, and from the way in which it was worn by some women, was calculated to convey a notion of skittishness. In the _New Courtly Sonet of the Lady Greensleeves_, printed in Robinson's "Handful of Pleasant Delites," 1584, the lover is made to say to his mistress:--

"I bought three kerchers to thy head, That were wrought fine and gallantly: I kept thee both at board and bed, Which cost my purse well-favourdly."

ADDITIONAL NOTES AND ILLUSTRATIONS.

A C. MERY TALYS.

Introduction, vi.--I might have mentioned that Taylor the Water-Poet cites _The Hundred Merry Tales_ as one of the authorities employed by him in the composition of his _Sir Gregory Nonsense His Newes from No Place_, 1622 (Taylor's Works, 1630), and see also Epistle Dedicatory to Meredith's _Eusebius_, 1577.

P. 19.--This story is found in the _Ducento Novelle_ of Celio Malespini, printed at Venice, 1609, 4o.

P. 22. _Of the Woman that sayd her Woer cam too late._

"If thou be slow to speake, as one I knew,
Thou wouldst assure thy selfe my counsels true;
Hee (too late) finding her upon her knees
In Church, where yet her husbands coorse she sees,
Hearing the Sermon at his funerall,
Longing to behold his buriall,
This sutor being toucht with inward love,
Approached neare his lovely sute to move,
Then stooping downe he whispered in her eare
Saying he bore her love, as might appeare,
In that so soone he shewed his love unto her,
Before any else did app[r]och to woo her,
Alass (said she) your labour is in vaine,
Last night a husband I did entertaine."

--_Uncasing of Machivils Instructions to his Sonne_, 1612, Sign. C 3. Stories of this kind are of very common occurrence in the modern collections of facetiæ.

P. 23. "When Davie Diker diggs, and dallies not,
When smithes shoo horses, as they would be shod,
_When millers toll not with a golden thumbe_."

--_The Steel Glas, a Satyre_, by George Gascoigne, Esquire (1576), Sign. H 3 verso.

A writer in the _Retrospective Review_, New Series, ii. 326, states that this story of the "Miller with the golden thumb" "is still (1854) a favourite in Yorkshire."

P. 30. _Stumble at a Straw, &c._--This proverb is quoted in _Machivils Instructions to his Sonne_, 1613, p. 16.

P. 35. _Of the good man that sayd to his wyfe. &c._

"Dr. _South_, visiting a gentleman one morning, was ask'd to stay Dinner, which he accepted of; the Gentleman stept into the next Room and told his Wife, and desired she'd provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmer and scold, and make a thousand Words; till at length, Her husband, provok'd at her Behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the Stranger in the next Room, he would kick her out of Doors. Upon which the Doctor, who heard all that passed, immediately stept out, crying, _I beg, Sir, you'll make no Stranger of me_."

--_Complete London Jester_, ed. 1771, p. 73.

P. 44. _Draughthole._--See Dekker's _Guls' Horn Book_, 1609, ed. Nott, p. 121-2-3.

P. 47. _Saynte Thomas of Acres._

"A the Austen fryers
They count us for lyers:
And at Saynt Thomas of Akers
They carpe us lyke crakers."

--Skelton's _Colin Clout_ (Works, ed. Dyce, i. 357).

This tale is imitated in _Hobson's Conceits_.

P. 60. _Of the gentylman, that promysed the scoler of Oxforde a sarcenet typet_--Sarcenet, at the period to which this story refers, was a material which only certain persons were allowed to wear. See Nicolas' note to a passage in the _Privy Purse Expenses of Elizabeth of York_, p. 220. This jest is transplanted by Johnson, with very little alteration, into the _Pleasant Conceits of Old Hobson_, 1607.

P. 78. _Therefore I pray thee, teche me my Pater noster, and by my truthe, I shall therfore teche thee a songe of Robyn Hode that shall be worth xx of it!_

The following passage from a poem, which has been sometimes ascribed to Skelton, is a curious illustration of this paragraph:--

Thus these sysmatickes,
And lowsy lunatickes,
With spurres and prickes
Call true men heretickes.
They finger their fidles,
And cry in quinibles,
Away these bibles,
For they be but ridles!
And give them Robyn Whode,
To red howe he stode
In mery grene wode,
When he gathered good,
Before Noyes ffloodd!

_The Image of Ipocrysy_, Part iii.

P. 84. _Of the wyfe that bad, &c._

_Of swearing between a wyfe and her husband._

"Cis, by this candle in my sleep I thought
One told me of thy body thou wert nought.
Good husband, he that told you ly'd, she said,
And swearing, laid her hand upon the bread.
Then eat the bread, quoth he, that I may deem
That fancie false, that true to me did seem.
Nay, sir, said she, the matter well to handle,
Since you swore first, you first shall eat the candle."

_Wits Interpreter, the English Parnassus_, By John Cotgrave, 1662, p. 286.

P. 87. _Of the man that had the dome wyfe._

"A certain man, as fortune fel,
A woman tungles wedded to wive,
Whose frowning countenance perceivig by live
Til he might know what she ment he thought long,
And wished ful oft she had a tung.
The devil was redy, and appeered anon,
An aspin lefe he bid the man take,
And in her mouth should put but one,
A tung, said the devil, it shall her make;
Til he had doon his hed did ake;
Leaves he gathered, and took plentie,
And in her mouth put two or three.
Within a while the medicine wrought:
The man could tarry no longer time,
But wakened her, to the end he mought
The vertue knowe of the medicine;
The first woord she spake to him
She said: 'thou whoresonne knave and theef,
How durst thou waken me, with a mischeef!'
From that day forward she never ceased.
Her boistrous bable greeved him sore:
The devil he met, and him entreated
To make her tungles, as she was before;
'Not so,' said the devil, 'I will meddle no more.
A devil a woman to speak may constrain,
But all that in hel be, cannot let it again.'"

_Schole-house of Women_, 1542 (Utterson's _Select Pieces of Early Popular Poetry_, ii. 74).

P. 89. _Of the Proctour of Arches that had the lytel wyfe._

"One ask'd his Friend, why he, so proper a Man himself, marry'd so small a Wyfe? _Why_, said he, _I thought you had known, that of all evils we should chuse the least_."--_Complete London Jester_, ed. 1771, p. 65.

P. 92. _Of him that wolde gette, &c._

In the _Scholehouse of Women_, 1542, the same story is differently related:--

"A husband man, having good trust
His wife to him bad be agreeable,
Thought to attempt if she had be reformable,
Bad her take the pot, that sod over the fire,
And set it aboove upon the astire.
She answered him: 'I hold thee mad,
And I more fool, by Saint Martine;
Thy dinner is redy, as thou me bad,
And time it were that thou shouldst dine,
And thou wilt not, I will go to mine.'
'I bid thee (said he) vere up the pot.'
'A ha! (she said) I trow thou dote,'
Up she goeth for fear, at last,
No question mooved where it should stand
Upon his hed the pottage she cast,
And heeld the pot stil in her hand.
Said and swore, he might her trust,
She would with the pottage do what her lust."

As this story in the _C. Mery Talys_ is defective in consequence of the mutilation of the only known copy, the foregoing extract becomes valuable, as it exhibits what was probably the sequel in the prose version, from which the author of the _Scholehouse of Women_ was no doubt a borrower.

P. 101. _If a thousande soules may dance on a mannes nayle._--This is a different form of the common saying that a thousand angels can stand on the point of the needle. "One querying another, whether a thousand angels might stand on the point of a needle, another replied, 'That was a _needles_ point.'"--Ward's _Diary_, ed. 1839, p. 94.

P. 106. Scot, in his _Discovery of Witchcraft_, 1584, ed. 1651, p. 191, has a story, which bears the mark of being the same as the one here entitled "Of the parson that stale the mylner's elys." The passage in Scot, which may help to supply the unfortunate _lacuna_ in the _C. Mery Talys_, is as follows:--

"So it was, that a certain Sir John, with some of his company, once went abroad jetting, and in a moon-light evening, robbed a miller's weire and stole all his eeles. The poor miller made his mone to Sir John himself, who willed him to be quiet; for he would so curse the theef, and all his confederates, with bell, book, and candel, that they should have small joy of their fish. And therefore the next Sunday, Sir John got him to the pulpit, with his surplisse on his back, and his stole about his neck, and pronounced these words following in the audience of the people:--

'All you that have stolne the millers eeles,
_Laudate Dominum de coelis_,
And all they that have consented thereto,
_Benedicamus Domino_.'

Lo (saith he), there is savoe for your eeles, my masters."

P. 108. _Of the parson that sayde masse of requiem, &c._--This story is also in _Scoggin's Jests_, 1626, and perhaps the lacunæ may be supplied from that source. Thus (the words supplied from _Scoggin's Jests_ are in italics):--

"Then quod the prest: tel thy mayster that he must _say the Masse which doth begin with a great R_. [when the boy returned, the Prest asked him whether the Parson had told him what] masse, &c."

And again, a line or two lower down, there can be no doubt, on a comparison of Scoggin's Jests, p. 74, what the missing words are. We ought to read:--"but he had me tell you it began _with a great R_."

¶ Tales, and quicke

answers, very mery,

and pleasant to

rede.

_Mery_

Tales, Wittie

_Questions_

and Quicke Answeres,

Very pleasant to
be Readde.

IMPRINTED

_at London

in Fleete strete, by_

H. Wykes.

1567.

The Table.

PAGE

¶ _Of hym that rode out of London, and had his
seruaunt folowynge hym on foote._ i. 15

¶ _Of hym that preached on saynte Christofers
day._ ii. 16

¶ _Of the frenche man that stroue with the
Fanwaye for his armes._ iii. _ib._

¶ _Of the curate that sayde our lorde fedde fyue
hundred persones._ iiii. 17

¶ _Of hym that profered his doughter to one
in maryage._ v. 18

¶ _Of the men of the countrey, that came to
London to bye a crucifixe of wodde._ vi. _ib._

¶ _Of hym that folowed his wyfe to buryeng._ vii. 19

¶ _Of hym that felle in to the fyre._ viii. _ib._

¶ _Of hym that used to calle his seruaunte the
kynge of fooles._ ix. 20

¶ _Of the yonge woman, that sorowed so greatly
the deathe of her husbande._ x. 21

¶ _Of hym that kyssed the fayre mayde with the
longe nose._ xi. _ib._

¶ _Of the uplandysshe mans answere concernyng
the steple and pulpytte._ xii. 23

¶ _Of the beggers aunswere to mayster Skelton
the poete._ xiii. _ib._

¶ _Of the chaplen that sayde our ladye mattens
lyenge in his bedde._ xiiii. 24

¶ _Of hym that loste his purse in London._ xv. 25

¶ _Of the marchaunt that loste his boudget betwene
ware and London._ xvi. 26

¶ _Of him that was called kockold._ xvii. 27

¶ _Of the iolus man._ xviii. 28

¶ _Of the fat woman that sat and solde frute._ xix. _ib._

¶ _Of a poller that begyled a preste._ xx. 29

¶ _Of Papirius pretextatus._ xxi. 31

¶ _Of the corrupte man of lawe._ xxii. 33

¶ _Of kynge Lowes of Fraunce and the husbandman
Conon._ xxiii. 34

¶ _Of a picke thanke, that thought to begyle the
same moste prudent kynge._ xxiiii. 37

¶ _Of Thales the great astronomer, the whiche
felle in to a ditche._ xxv. 38

¶ _Of the astronomer that theues robbed._ xxvi. 39

¶ _Of the plough man that wolde saye his pater
noster with a stedfast mynde._ xxvii. _ib._

¶ _Of him that dreamed he founde golde._ xxviii. 40

¶ _Of the crakynge yonge gentyll man that wolde
ouerthrowe his enemys a myle of._ xxix. 42

¶ _Of him that fell of a tre and brake a rybbe in
his syde._ xxx. 44

¶ _Of the fryer that brayed in his sermon._ 45

¶ _The oration of th ambassadour that was sent
to Pope Urban._ xxxii. 46

¶ _Of the ambassadour that was sent to the prince
Agis._ xxxiii. 47

¶ _The answere of Cleomenes to the Samiens
ambassadour._ xxxiiii. _ib._

¶ _Of the wyse man Piso, and his seruant._ xxxv. 48

¶ _Of the marchant that made a wager with his
lorde._ xxxvi. 49

¶ _Of the scrowes that the frier gaue out against
the pestilence._ xxxvii. 51

¶ _Of the physition that used to wryte bylles
ouer nyght called resceytes._ xxxviii. 52

¶ _Of him that wolde confesse him by a lybell in
wrytynge._ xxxix. 53

¶ _Of the hermite of Padowe._ xl. 54

¶ _Of the uplandissh man that saw the kyng._ xli. 56

¶ _Of the courtier that bade the boye to holde his
horse._ xlii. 57

¶ _Of the deceytfull scriuener._ xliii. _ib._

¶ _Of him that sayde he beleved his wyfe better
than other, that she was chaste._ xliiii. 59

¶ _Of him that paid his det with cryeng bea._ xlv. 60

¶ _Of the woman that appeled from kynge Philip
to kynge Philip._ xlvi. 62

¶ _Of the olde woman that prayd for the welfare
of the tyran Denyse._ xlvii. 63

¶ _Of the phisitian Eumonus._ xlviii. 64

¶ _Of Socrates and his scoldynge wyfe._ xlix. 65

¶ _Of the phisitian that bare his pacient on hand
he had eaten an asse._ l. _ib._

¶ _Of the inholders wyfe, and her ii louers._ li. 67

¶ _Of hym that healed franticke men._ lii. 68

¶ _Of hym that sayd he was nat worthy to open
the gate to the kynge._ liii. 70

¶ _Of Mayster Uauasour and Turpyn his manne._
liiii. _ib._

¶ _Of hym that sought his wyfe, that was drowned,
agaynst the streme._ lv. 72

¶ _Of hym that at a skyrmyssh defended hym
valiauntly with his feete._ lvi. 73

¶ _Of hym that wolde gyue a songe to the tauerner
for his dyner._ lvii. 74

¶ _Of the foole that thought him selfe deed, whan
he was a lyue._ lviii. 75

¶ _Of the olde man and his sonne that brought
his asse to the towne to sylle._ lix. 78

¶ _Of him that sought his asse, and rode upon his
backe._ lx. 80

¶ _The answere of Fabius to Liuius._ lxi. 81

¶ _The answere of Poltis the kynge of Trace to
the Troyan ambassadours._ lxii. 82

¶ _The wyse answere of Haniball to kynge Antiochus
concerninge his ryche army._ lxiii. 83

¶ _The wordes of Popilius the Romayn ambassadour
to Antiochus the kynge._ lxiiii. _ib._

¶ _Of hym that loued the marchantes wyfe._ lxv. 84

¶ _Of the woman that couered her heed, and
shewed up her tayle._ lxvi. 86

¶ _How Alexander was monisshed to slee the
firste that he mette. lxvii._ _ib._

¶ _How the aunciente cyte of Lamsac was saued
from destruction._ lxviii. 87

¶ _Howe Demosthenes defended a mayde._ lxix. 88

¶ _Of him that desyred to be a gentylman._ lxx. 89

¶ _Of the gentyllman and his shrewd wife._ lxxi. 90

¶ _Of the two yonge men that rode to Walsyngham
to gether._ lxxii. 91

¶ _Of the yong man of Brugis and his spouse._
lxxiii. 92

¶ _Of him that made as he hadde ben a chaste
lyuer._ lxxiiii. 93

¶ _Of him that the olde roode fell on._ lxxv. 94

¶ _Of the wydowe that wolde not wedde for bodily
pleasure._ lxxvi. 95

¶ _Of the couetous ambassadour, that wolde here
no musike for sparinge of his purse._ lxxvii. _ib._

¶ _Howe Denyse the tyran of Syracuse serued
a couetouse man._ lxxix. 97

¶ _Of the old man that quyngered the boy oute of
the aple tre with stones._ lxxx. 98

¶ _Of the ryche man that was sycke and wolde
not receyue a glyster._ lxxxi. 99

¶ _Of him that feyned him selfe deed, to proue
what his wyfe wolde do._ lxxxii. _ib._

¶ _Of the poure man, in to whose house theues
brake by nyght._ lxxxiii. 101

¶ _Of him that shulde haue ben hanged for his
scoffinge and his iestynge._ lxxxiiii. _ib._

¶ _Of him that had his goose stole._ lxxxv. 102

¶ _Of the begger that sayde he was of kynne to
kynge Phylip of Macedone._ lxxxvi. 103

¶ _Of Dantes answere to the iester._ lxxxvii. _ib._

¶ _Of hym that had sore eies._ lxxxviii. 104

¶ _Of the olde woman that had sore eies._ lxxxix. 105

¶ _Of hym that had the custody of a warde._ xc. 106

¶ _Of the excellente peynter, that hadde foule
chyldren._ xci. _ib._

¶ _Of the scoffer that made one a southsayer._ xcii. 107

¶ _Of the marchant of Florence, Charles._ xciii. _ib._

¶ _Of the chesshire man called Eulyn._ xciiii. 108

¶ _Of hym that desyred to be sette vpon the
pyllorye._ xcv. 109

¶ _Of the wydowes daughter, that was sente to
the abbot with a couple of capons._ xcvi. 111

¶ _Of the two men that dranke a pynte of whyte
wyne to gether._ xcvii. 112

¶ _Of the doctour that desyred to go with a fouler
to catche byrdes._ xcviii. 114

¶ _Of hym that undertoke to teache an asse to
spelle and rede._ xcix. 115

¶ _Of the fryer that confessed the fayre woman._ c. 116

¶ _Of the chapplen of Louen called syr Antonye
that deceyued an vserer._ ci. 118

¶ _Of the same chaplen and his spiter._ cii. 119

¶ _Of the olde manne that putte hym selfe in his
sonnes handes._ ciii. 121

¶ _Of hym that had a flye peynted in his shilde._
ciiii. 122

¶ _Of the emperour Augustus and the olde men._ cv. 123

¶ _Of Phocions oration to the Atheniens._ cvi. _ib._

¶ _Of Demosthenes and Phocion._ cvii. 124

¶ _Of the aunswere of Phocion to them that brought
hym a great gyfte from Alexander._ cviii. _ib._

¶ _Of Denyse the tyran and his sonne._ cix. 125

¶ _Of Pomponius the Romayne that was taken
and brought before Mithridates._ cx. _ib._

¶ _Of Titus and the scoffer._ cxi. 126

¶ _Of Scipio Nasica, and Ennius the poete._ cxii. _ib._

¶ _Of Fabius Minutius and his sonne._ cxiii. 127

¶ _Of Aurelian the emperour, that was displeased,
bycause the citie Tyana was closed
agaynste him._ cxiiii. 128

¶ _Of the Nunne forced that durst not crie._ cxv. 129

¶ _Of him that sayde he was the Diuelles man._
cxvi. _ib._

¶ _Of the vplandishe priest, that preached of
Charitie._ cxvii. 130

¶ _An other sayinge of the same preest._ cxviii. 131

¶ _Of the fryer that praysed sainct Frauncis._
cxix. 133

¶ _Of hym that warned his wife of wasshynge her
face in foule puddell water._ cxx. _ib._

¶ _Of the husband man that caused his iudge to
geue sentence agaynst him selfe._ cxxi. 134

¶ _Of the Italian frier that shoulde preach before
the B. of Rome and his cardinals._ cxxii. _ib._

¶ _Of the doctour that sayd, in Erasmus workes
were heresies._ cxxiii. 136

¶ _Of the frier that preached at Paules crosse
agaynst Erasmus._ cxxiiii. 137

¶ _Of an other frier that taxed Erasmus for
writyng Germana theologia._ cxxv. 138

¶ _Of an other that inueighed agaynst the same
Erasmus._ cxxvi. _ib._

¶ _Of kyng Richarde the iii. and the Northern
man._ cxxvii. 139

¶ _Of the Canon and his man._ cxxviii. 140

¶ _Of the same Canon and his sayd man._ cxxix. _ib._

¶ _Of the gentilman that checked hys seruant
for talke of ryngyng._ cxxx. 141

¶ _Of the blynde man and his boye._ cxxxi. 142

¶ _Of him that sold two lodes of hey._ cxxxii. _ib._

¶ _How a mery man deuised to cal people to a
playe._ cxxxiii. 145

¶ _How the image of the dyuell was lost and
sought._ cxxxiiii. 148

¶ _Of Tachas, kyng of Aegypt, and Agesilaus._
cxxxv. 149

¶ _Of Corar the Rhetorician, and Tisias hys
scoler._ cxxxvi. 150

¶ _Of Augustus and Athenodorus the Phylosopher._
cxxxvii. 151

¶ _Of the frenche kyng and the brome seller._
cxxxviii. 152

¶ _An other tale of the same frenche kyng._
cxxxix. 153

¶ _What an Italyan fryer dyd in his preaching._
cxl. 155

TALES

AND

QUICKE ANSWERES.

¶ _Of hym that rode out of London and had his seruaunt folowynge on foote._ i.

¶ There was a manne on a tyme that rode v myle out of London, and had his seruaunt folowyng after hym on fote, the whiche came so nere, that the horse strake hym a great stroke vpon the thye. The seruaunte, thynkynge to be reuenged, toke and threwe a great stone at the horse, and hytte his mayster on the raynes of the backe, who thought it had bene his horse. He within a whyle loked backe and chydde his seruaunte, bycause he came haltynge so farre behynde. The seruaunt aunswered: Sir, your horse hath gyuen me suche a stroke vpon my thygh, that I can go no faster. Trewely, sayde his mayster, the horse is a great kyckar, for lyke-wyse with his hele right nowe[146] he gaue me a great stroke vpon the raynes of my backe.

¶ _Of hym that preched on saynt Chrystophers day._ ii.

¶ A fryere that preached vpon a saynt Christofers daye, greatly laudynge saynte Christopher, sayde: what a prerogatyue hadde he here in erthe in his armes to beare our Sauioure! was there euer any lyke hym in grace? A homely blount felowe, heryng hym aske twyse or thryse that question so ernestly, answered: yes, mary: the asse that bare both hym and his mother.

¶ _Of the frenche man, that stroue with the Janway for his armes._ iii.

¶ There was one amonge the Janwayes[147] that the Frenche kyng had hyred to make warre agaynst the Englysshe men, which bare an oxe heed paynted in his shelde: the whiche shelde a noble man of France challenged: and so longe they stroue, that they must needs fyght for it. So, at a day and place appoynted, the frenche gallaunt came into the felde, rychely armed at all peces.[148] The Janway all vnarmed came also in to the felde, and said to the frenche man: wherfore shall we this day fyght? Mary, sayd the frenche man, I wyll make good with my body, that these armes were myne auncetours' before thyne. What were your auncetours' armes, quod the Janwaye? An oxe heed, sayd the frenche man. Than, sayde the Janwaye, here needeth no batayle: for this that I beare is a cowes heed.

By thys tale ye perceyue howe nycely the vayne braggynge of the frenche man was deryded.

FOOTNOTES:

[146] Just now.

[147] The Genoese.

¶ _Of the curate that sayde our Lorde fedde U. C. persons._ iiii.

¶ A certayne curate, preachynge on a tyme to his parysshens sayde, that our Lorde with fyue loues fedde v hundred persones. The clerke, herynge hym fayle,[149] sayde softely in his eare: Sir, ye erre; the gospell is v. thousande. Holde thy peace, foole, said the curate; they wyll scantly beleue, that they were fyue hundred.

FOOTNOTES:

[148] At all points.

[149] Make a mistake.

¶ _Of hym that profered his doughter in mariage._ v.

¶ There was a man vpon a tyme, whiche profered his doughter to a yonge man in mariage, the which yonge manne refused her, sayenge, that she was to yonge to be maryed. I wys, quod her foolysshe father, she is more able than ye wene. For she hath borne iii. children by our parysshe cleeke.

Lo, by this tale ye se, that foles can nat telle what and whan to speake: therfore it were best for them to kepe alway silence.

¶ _Of them that came to London to bye a Crucifixe._ vi.

¶ There were certayne men vpon a tyme sent out of a village to London to bye a Crucifixe of wodde. The Caruer that they came to, seynge and herynge by theyr wordes, that they were but folysshe blount felowes, asked them, whether they wolde haue the ymage a lyue or elles deade; whiche question so abasshed them, that they went a syde to deuyse whether[150] was beste. So whan they had spoken priuely to gether, they came to the caruer agayne and said they wold haue the image a lyue: for, if theyr neighbours at home where nat so contente, they myghte lyghtly[151] kylle hym.

FOOTNOTES:

[150] Which of the two.

¶ _Of hym that folowed his wyfe to buryenge._ vii.

¶ A man, that wepynge folowed his wyfe to buryenge, rebuked his lyttel sonne, that wente with hym, because he sange, sayenge that he was peuysshe and madde to synge at his mothers buryenge, but he shulde rather be sory and wepe. The chylde answered: father, seynge ye gyue to these prestes money to synge at my mothers buryenge, why be ye angry with me, that aske you nothynge for my syngynge? His father aunswered: the preestes offyce and thyne is nat all one.

By thys tale ye may perceyue that all thynges beseme nat euery body.

¶ _Of hym that felle into the fyre._ viii.

¶ A felowe, that was frowarde to his wyfe, vsed to be oute drynkynge many tymes verye late. So on a nyghte he taryed so longe oute, that his wyfe wente to bedde, and badde her mayde make a good fyre, and tarye vp for hym. About xij. of the clocke home he came, and as he stode warmynge him by the fyre his heed was so tottye,[152] that he felle into the fyre. The mayde, seing him fall, ranne vp cryenge to her maistres, and sayd: Alas! my maister is fallen and lyeth longe straughte in the fyre. No force,[153] mayde, said her maistres, let him lye and take his pleasure in his owne house, where so euer him listeth.

FOOTNOTES:

[151] A too literal translation of the French word _legierement_, which ought here to have been rendered _readily_, rather than _lightly_.

¶ _Of him that vsed to cal his servant the kinge of foles._ ix.

¶ There was a man that had a dulle lumpisshe felow to his seruant, wherfore he vsed commonly to call him the kinge of fooles. The felow at laste waxed angry in his minde to be alway so called and sayde to his mayster: I wolde that I were the kinge of foles: for then no man coulde compare with me in largenes of kingedome, and also you shulde be my subiect. By this one may perceiue, that to moch of one thing is not good: many one calleth an other fole, and is more fole him selfe.

FOOTNOTES:

[152] Giddy.

[153] No matter.

¶ _Of the yonge woman that sorowed so greatly her husbondes deth._ x.

¶ There was a yonge woman, the whiche for her husbande, that laye a dyenge, sorowed oute of all measure, wherfore her father came often to her and sayde: daughter, leaue your mourninge: for I haue prouyded for you a nother husbande, a farre more goodly man. But she did nat onely continue in her sorowe, but also was greatly displeased, that her father made any motion to her of an other husbande. As sone as she had buryed her husbande, and the soule masse was songe, and that they were at dyner, betwene sobbynge and wepynge she rowned[154] her father in the eare, and sayde: father, where is the same yonge man, that ye said shuld be min husbande? Lo, thus may ye se, that women sorowe ryght longe, after theyr husbondes be departed to God.

¶ _Of him that kissed the mayd with the longe nose._ xi.

¶ A bablynge gentylman, the whiche on a tyme wolde haue bassed[155] a fayre mayde, that had nat the leest nose, sayde: how shulde I kysse you: youre nose wyll not suffre our lyppes to mete? The mayden, waxinge shamfast and angrye in her mynde (for with his scoffe he a lyttell touched her) answered on this wyse: syr, if ye can not kysse my mouth for my nose, ye may kysse me there as I haue nere a nose.

Ye may by this tale lerne, that it is folye so to scoffe, that youre selfe therby shulde be laughed to scorne agayne. One that is ouer-couetous ought nat to attwite[156] an other of prodigalite. Thou arte her brother (sayd Alcmeon to Adrastus) that slewe her husbande. But he blamed nat Alcmeon for an others faute, but obiected against him his owne. Thou hast with thy hande (sayd he) slayne thin owne mother. It is nat ynough to haue rebukes redie, and to speke vyle wordes agaynst other: for he, that so shuld do, ought to be without any vyce. For of all men, sayth Plutarchus, he ought to be innocent and haue the lyfe vnculpable, that wolde reprehende the fautes of other. The lyttell morall boke[157] sayth:

It is a foule thynge worthye rebuke and blame
A vyce to reprehende and do the same.

FOOTNOTES:

[154] Whispered--_Singer_.

[155] Kissed, from the French word.

[156] _i.e._ twit or taunt.

[157] _Parvus et Magnus Catho_, printed by Caxton, n.d. 4to. Chaucer, in his _Miller's Tale_ (_Chaucer's Works_, ed. Bell, i. 194), describes the old carpenter of Oxford, who had married a young girl, as having neglected to study [_Magnus_] _Catho_, which prescribed that marriages ought to take place between persons of about the same age.

"He knew not Catoun, for his wyt was rude, That bad man schulde wedde his similitude."

No doubt both _Cato_ and _Parvus Cato_ circulated in MS. before the invention of printing. The former was printed by Caxton in 1483-4. See Blades (_Life and Typography of William Caxton_, ii. 53-4).

¶ _The Uplandisshe mans answere, concerninge the steple and pulpit._ xii.

¶ In a certayne place, on a tyme the perysshyns[158] had pulled downe theyr steple, and had buylded it vp newe agayne, and had put out theyr belles to be newe-founded: and bycause they range nat at the bysshops entrynge into the village, as they were wont and acustomed to do, he asked a good homely man, whether they had no belles in theyr steple: he answered: no! Than, sayde the bysshop, ye may sylle aweye[159] your steple. Why so, and please your lordship, sayd the man? Bycause hit stondeth vacant, said the bysshop. Than sayde the man, we may well sylle away an other thinge, that we haue in our churche. What is that, sayd the bysshop? That is a pulpit, quod he. For this vii yere ther was no sermon made therin.

¶ _Of the beggers answere to M. Skelton the poete._ xiii.

¶ A poure begger, that was foule, blacke and lothlye to beholde, cam vpon a tyme vnto mayster Skelton the poete, and asked him his almes. To whom mayster Skelton sayde: I praye the, gette the awaye fro me: for thou lokeste as though thou camest out of helle. The poure man, perceyuing he wolde gyue him no thynge, answerd: For soth, syr, ye say trouth, I came oute of helle. Why dyddest thou nat tary styl there, quod mayster Skelton? Mary, syr, quod the begger, there is no roume for suche poure beggers as I am: all is kepte for suche gentyl men as ye be.

FOOTNOTES:

[158] Parishioners. This jest is included by Johnson in his _Pleasant Conceits of Old Hobson, the Merry Londoner_, 1607 (reprinted 1843. p. 17).

[159] Sell away.

¶ _Of the chaplen, that sayde our lady matens a bed._ xiiii.

¶ A certayne lorde's chaplen bosted on a tyme, syttynge at his lorde's table, that he sayde our lady matyns euery morninge besyde all his other seruice and orisons. The lorde, to proue whether his chaplen did as he sayde, arose yerly on a morninge, and went to his chaplen's chamber, and called hym, saying: where be ye, syr wylliam? Here, and please your lordshyp (quod he), in my bedde. Why, sayd the lorde, I thought ye had ben vp and sayenge of our lady matyns. I am nowe sayinge it, quod the chappleyn. What! lienge in your bedde, quod the lord? why, syr, sayd the chapplain, where shudde women be serued but a bedde?

¶ _Of him that lost his purse in London._ xv.

¶ A certayn man of the countre, the whiche for busines came vp to London, lost his purse as he wente late in the euenynge; and by cause the somme therin was great, he sette vp bylles in dyuers places that, if any man of the cyte had founde the purse, and wolde brynge it agayne to him, he shulde haue welle for his laboure. A gentyll man of the Temple wrote vnder one of the byls, howe the man shulde come to his chamber, and tolde [him] where. So, whan he was come, the gentyll man asked him fyrst what was in the purse; secondli, what countrey man he was, and thirdly, what was his name? Syr, quod he, xx nobles was inne the pourse; I am halfe a walshe man; and my name is John vp Janken.[160] John vp Jankyn (sayde the gentyll man), I am gladde I knowe thy name: for so longe as I lyue, thou nor none of thyn name shal haue my purse to kepe; and nowe fare well, gentyll John vp Jankyn. Thus he was mocked to scorne and went his way.

Hereby ye may perceyue, that a man can not haue a shrewde tourne, but otherwhyle a mocke withall.

FOOTNOTES:

[160] John ap Jenkin.

¶ _Of the marchaunt that lost his bodgette betwene Ware and Lon[don]._ xvi.

¶ A certayne marchant betwene Ware and London lost his bodget and a c li. therin, wherfore he caused to proclayme in dyuers market townes, that who so euer[161] founde the sayde bodget, and wolde bryng it agayne, shulde haue xx li. for his labour. An honeste husbandeman, that chaunsed to fynde the sayde bodget, brought it to the baily[162] of Ware, accordynge to the crye, and required his xx li. for his labour, as it was proclaymed. The couetous marchant, whan he vnderstode this, and that he muste nedes pay xx li. for the fyndynge, he sayd, that there was an c and xx li. in his bodgette, and so wolde haue hadde his owne money and xx li. ouer. So longe they stroue, that the matter was brought before mayster Vauasour the good Judge. Whan he vnderstode by the bayllye, that the crye was made for a bodget with an c li. therin, he demanded where hit[163] was? Here, quod the bailly, and toke it vnto him. Is it iust an c li. sayde the Judge? Ye, trulye, quod the baillye. Holde, sayde the Judge (to him that founde the bodget), take thou this money vnto thyne owne vse: and if thou hap to fynde a bodgette with a c and xx li. therin, brynge it to this honest marchante man. It is myn; I lost no more but an c li. quod the marchant. Ye speke nowe to late, quod the Judge.

By this tale ye may vnderstande, that they that go about to disceyue other, be often tymes disceyued them selfe. And some tyme one fallethe in the dytche, that he him selfe made.

FOOTNOTES:

[161] The original has _who so ever that_.

[162] Baillie or magistrate, from the old French word _bailli_.

[163] This form of _it_, though it does not occur in the _C. Mery Tales_, is very common in old English works; see the _Seven Sages_, edited by Wright, 1845, for the Percy Society, and the _Anglo-Saxon Passion of St. George_, 1850 (Percy Soc.).

¶ _Of him that was called cuckolde._ xvii.

¶ A certayne man, whiche vpon a tyme in company betwene ernest and game was called cuckolde, went angerly home to his wife and sayde: wyfe, I was this day in company called kockolde; whether am I one or nat? Syr, truly, sayde she, ye be none. By my fayth (sayde he), thou shall swere so vpon this boke; and helde to her a boke. She denyed it longe; but whan she sawe there was no remedy, she sayde: well, sythe I must nedes swere, I promyse you by my faythe, I will swere truly. Yea, do so, quod he. So she toke the boke in her hande and sayd: By this boke, syr, ye be a cokolde. By the masse, hore, sayd he, thou lyest! thou sayste it for none other cause but to anger me.

By this tale ye may parceyue, that it is nat best at all tymes for a man to beleue his wife, though she swere vpon a boke.

¶ _Of the iolous man._ xviii.

¶ A man that was ryght iolous on his wyfe, dreamed on a nyght as he laye a bed with her and slepte, that the dyuell aperd vnto him and sayde: woldest thou nat be gladde, that I shulde put the in suretie of thy wife? Yes, sayde he. Holde, sayde the dyuell, as longe as thou hast this rynge vpon thy fynger, no man shall make the kockolde. The man was gladde therof, and whan he awaked, he founde his fynger in * * * * * * *.

¶ _Of the fatte woman that solde frute._ xix.