Chapter III: TIE

_“In the evening they talked together pleasantly, then quarrelled,
then came to blows. In the morning both are ashamed and surprised,
they think it must have been the result of some exceptional state
of their nerves. Neat night again a quarrel and blows. And so every
night until at last they realize that they are not at all educated,
but savage.”_

_Note-Book of_ ANTON CHEKOV
(_Trans. S. S. Koteliansky and L. Woolf_)

1

Em again gave up Howard. She could not bear Les’s hurt. Howard’s coarseness of misunderstanding had defiled her. She was convinced that she was physically incompetent. Les was withdrawn, Em was away from the studio a great deal. It humiliated her now to see Howard. She saw him several times, never with Algeria. Les at home alone, what am I running after? One day Howard overtook her again.

“Em, why are you avoiding me?”

“I want to be alone.”

“Let’s go to the park and walk.” He hailed a taxi.

“I don’t want to, Howard.” The cab-driver turned away, incensed.

“When can I come to see you again?”

“Don’t come any more.”

Hatred struggled in Howard’s eyes. The malice of women!

“Then why did you ask me at all?” His mouth twitched a little.

Em was compassionate. She was cruel to everything but helplessness.

“I’m sorry, Howard.” Her voice was soft.

He sprang to the hope of control. He was always at his best when winning. He straightened his loose shoulders.

“You can’t treat people like this, Em. You should at least allow a day or two for the holes to heal before stabbing again. No wonder you’re finding yourself isolated.”

His words reached home, she cringed under them.

“There’s no need for you to risk anything by trying to rescue the outcast,” she said sullenly.

He went on ruthlessly.

“Men run from you because you insult them without letting them sleep with you.” Howard was as unsatisfied as she or Les with the ugly lack of criteria of self-respect around them. But he was compelled to make her realize him.

“I don’t want to sleep with anybody!” she exclaimed in angry pain, tears starting to her eyes.

“Pooh! Marriage has destroyed women’s fastidiousness. A woman who sleeps with one man she detests will sleep with any man once convention is relaxed.” No one is decent any more. Why deny life as it is? Unmorality. Dirt! Can’t possess one’s own person. No form to life. I hate it, too, but I must have her back or blot her out. She’s ruined me. “You hang to Drane from fear.”

“I don’t!” she cried, helpless in her confusion and wrath.

“You’re both afraid. Every lover lives in fear. And you’ve lectured me about courage!” Howard laughed scornfully. He was riding to victory.

Em did not realize that it was her own despair that was subduing her.

“Why is it any longer your business even if it’s so?” she jerked out like a vexed schoolgirl.

Howard shrugged his shoulders. She would not come to him, but she was humbled. He could not live beneath her.

“It isn’t. Why should I worry? When you can’t get all you want, you destroy all you have. Well, it’s up to you. I’m through.”

Brawling on the street! What made her listen? The fear of not being hurt? Em shivered. She lifted her head.

“Let’s not repeat this, please. I’m glad you understand. I don’t want you or anyone else. I only want to work. Good-by.”

Howard laughed again, malicious exulting in his laugh.

“Work? It is to laugh! You won’t work. Your things get worse and worse. Instead of rhythms you’re producing ringlets!”

Em’s mouth opened and she paled as if he had struck her in the face. He walked away. Conquered! He felt happy. He was not afraid of Em any longer.

She had planned to dismiss Howard!

2

Em went home wounded and sore. Les was sitting alone in the studio. She walked by his chair, laid her hand upon his head.

“My dear!” She needed to be near him, longed for a bodily presence, a presence to touch and comfort.

His mouth trembled.

“Em, I need help. Life frightens me. I’m not up to your standard.” His voice was bitter and tired. “I wish I were a woman.”

She turned away from him. She had no excess of life to give any more. I’m weak, too.

“It’s easy to be a woman, Les. You only need to be useless.” Her painting was feeble, she knew it now, even her first best things. Nothing in the world, not even herself. The waste of suffering! She was glad he was weak and small before her. She could reach him. The man where there is no child. She turned to him again. “Les, Howard is gone.”

Les’s hands clutched his chair. Dare to think--The tree of life ... angels like butterflies ... a lamp held high....

“Gone?”

“He won’t come any more.” She approached.

“Em--” Les’s shoulders heaved, but Em could hear no sound. She knelt and stroked one of his tense hands.

“Yes, darling.” Her throat ached.

“Em, we _will_ go away.”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“We’ll go away. While I was alone I saved enough. We’ll go to some far warm place--and be.” Rose-colored dreams. Minarets ... closed blooms of lotus flowers ... cry like a silver bird ... eyes behind a veil ... golden breasts....

“Yes, Les.”

“Where there is no more struggling.” Seas with no tide ... island belted with gold sand ... crooning of the sea ... listening shore ... peace....

“Yes, Les.” She snuggled to him. Life cannot be felt. Go from life, leave pain. It makes no difference to live. I will, she resolved, I will!

He bent and put his arms around her, his face on her shoulder, his cheek to hers. They sat clutching each other in the failing light. Les’s hour had come. She was beaten. He was already on the sea. Saffron ship ... night like black hair ... white fires of spume ... birds in the painted sky ... lonely cries in the dark ... dim land ... palms like harmless madmen....

“Oh Em! You will love me!”

She clung to him.

“There’s no one but us, Les.”

Les’s world had become a holy place. Church of the sea ... pale lilies of foam ... chant of storms ... rosaries of spray ... Em’s pictures of heaven ... my book, the Sacred Book ... candles of God in the sky ... the star of hope, star made of a lily....

Em shuddered.

“Kiss me, Les.”