Chapter I: Part 1

*That Reminds Me*

*A Collection of Tales
Worth Telling*

"_Show me a Nation's humor, and I
will show you its civilization._"

Philadelphia
GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO.
Publishers

COPYRIGHT, 1905,
BY GEORGE W. JACOBS & Co.
_Published, October, 1905_.

*BY THE WAY*

If nonsense is to wisdom near allied and truth is often spoken in a jest, which are facts known to very casual observers, there is much more than the passing laugh to be derived from such a collection of anecdote, repartee, and pleasantry as that gathered together in this volume.

For some years the _Public Ledger_ of Philadelphia, and earlier the _Philadelphia Times_, before the two journals were united, have offered premiums for contributions to a column of jests called "Tales Worth Telling." With the permission of Mr. George W. Ochs of the _Public Ledger_, the best of these are now collected and published in permanent form for a wider audience in the belief that they will be enjoyed beyond the confines of the newspaper's community and for longer than the day for which it is made and serves its purposes.

There is much Americanism in these "Tales." They have the flavor of our soil; the relish of our nationality. While some are plants of foreign growth removed to our atmosphere in which they have taken on a new appearance, there are touches of human nature and character in all of them.

If all these anecdotes seem not to be equally laugh-provoking, it is the fate of anecdotes. They are meant for different minds; they have different objects. If any shall teach a lesson, or point a moral while it at the same time fetches a smile, its purpose will not be lost.

Such humor, springing, as it does, from the people, much of it being caught at first hands from those who invented it to be transcribed for the newspaper in which it first appeared and now to be preserved in this volume, illustrates many important truths in our American character. Let that not be forgotten! "Show me a nation's humor and I will show you its civilization," is a sentiment worthy to become a proverb. There is hope for the man or the race of men which is gifted with the sense of humor if the mind and lips remain clean and reverent.

The Chinese can read this book as well as our occidentals. It can be perused backward or forward and will need no index or table of contents. It can be taken all at once if time and taste call for it, or it may be confidently opened by the skipper and skimmer of books who travels hither and thither and assails his literature only at vulnerable points. It may perhaps be taken up a second time, when, reader, if some of these stories seem to be old friends, you must be certain not to chide and revile this little volume, but compliment yourself upon owning a very retentive mind.

*BEATEN AT HIS OWN GAME*

The champion liar of the town was outdoing himself on his pet topic, the Civil War. "Talk of mud," he was saying, "our campaign in the Wilderness was the worst. It rained for days without letting up. When it did stop we started off with our artillery. Soon we came to a regular water hole, but we drove straight along, and do you know that first team went right out of sight."

A newcomer then took the floor. "I've seen some mud, too," he said. "When I was a boy, one day after a terribly wet spring, I saw a hat out in the road, right in a big puddle, so I waded out to get it. Maybe now you won't believe me, but there was a man under that hat. Says I, 'Why, hello! can't I help you out?' 'Oh, no,' says he, 'guess I can get along. I'm a-horse back.'"

*THE ABSENT BOY'S FAULT*

A certain Sunday-school teacher had a regular set of questions that she asked every Sunday. Beginning with the first boy she would ask, "Who made you?" to which he would reply, "The Lord." Then she would regularly ask the second boy, "Who was the first man?" and he would reply, "Adam."

One Sunday the first boy was away, and of course the second boy moved into his place. As usual, the teacher began by asking, "Who made you?"

The boy replied, "Adam."

"No, that is not right," said the teacher. "The Lord made you."

"I guess not," the child replied. "The boy that the Lord made is away to-day."

*THE "ONE HORSE" RAILROAD*

It was a train of only two cars on a miserable branch railroad, and was jogging along at a distressingly low rate of speed when all of a sudden it came to a dead stop. One of the passengers, whose patience had become exhausted, asked a brakeman the cause of delay.

"There's a herd of cows on the track," he answered.

In about ten minutes the train got under way again, jerking along convulsively for about a mile or two, when it came to a halt. An old man sitting near the door turned to the brakeman, who was plainly annoyed by the many questions, and said irritably:

"What in thunder is the matter, anyhow?"

"Why, we've caught up to the cows again!" the brakeman answered.

*A POSTSCRIPT*

The editor of a rural paper visited a large city just after the shooting of Mr. McKinley and took great interest in the newspaper bulletins informing the public of the president's condition. Shortly after the editor's return home, Deacon Jones was taken seriously ill, and the following bulletins were promptly posted:

10.00 A.M--Deacon Jones no better. ll.00 A.M.--Deacon Jones has relapse. 12.30 P.M.--Deacon Jones weaker. Pulse failing. 2.15 P.M.--Deacon Jones's family summoned. 3.10 P.M--Deacon Jones has died and gone to Heaven.

Later in the afternoon a traveling salesman happened by, stopped to read the bulletins, and, going to the board, added:

4.10 P.M.--Great excitement in Heaven; Deacon Jones has not yet arrived. The worst is feared.

*HOW COULD HE KNOW*

Jim Murphy had been accused of selling liquor illicitly and the prosecuting attorney was endeavoring to make Pat, a job teamster, admit that he had delivered liquor to the defendant. He stated that he had once delivered freight to Murphy and that part of that freight was a barrel, but when asked what the barrel contained he replied that he did not know.

"Don't know! Wasn't the barrel marked?" asked the attorney.

"Yis, sor."

"Then how dare you tell the court that you don't know what was in it?"

"Because, sor, the barrel was marked 'Jim Murphy' on one end and 'Bourbon Whiskey' on the other. How the divil did I know which was in it?"

*A SECRET*

A man who had purchased a fine-looking horse soon discovered that the animal was blind, and after several weeks he succeeded in disposing of her, as the defect did not seem to lessen her speed nor detract from her general appearance. The next day the new owner of the horse appeared.

"Say, you know that mare you sold me?" he began. "She's stone blind."

"I know it," replied her past owner with an easy air.

"You didn't say anything to me about it," said the purchaser, his face red with anger.

"Well, you see," replied the other, "that fellow who sold her to me didn't tell me about it and I just concluded that he didn't want it known."

*AT THE WRONG DOOR*

The following story is told of an American gentleman who was recently stopping with his wife at the Hotel Cecil in London.

The first evening there she happened to return somewhat earlier than her spouse. Arriving at the door of what he supposed was his own room and finding it locked, he tapped and called, "Honey." No answer came and he again called more loudly, "Honey." Still there was no reply, and becoming somewhat uneasy, he shouted the endearing term with his full strength. This time an answer came and in a male voice.

"Go away, you blithering idiot! This is a bathroom, not a blooming beehive."

*HOW IT MIGHT NOT HAVE HAPPENED*

Hon. James M. Beck tells the following story of an argument made by a rural barrister before a justice in a court in Pennsylvania.

The case was one in which the plaintiff sought to recover damages from a railroad company for the killing of a cow. During the course of his argument, the country lawyer used this expressive sentence:

"If the train had been run as it should have been ran, or if the bell had been rung as it should have been rang, or if the whistle had been blown as it should have been blew, both of which they did neither, the cow would not have been injured when she was killed."

*NOT A GOOD SWIMMER*

Two men in the West were to be hanged for horse stealing. The place selected was the middle of a trestle bridge spanning a river. The rope was not securely tied about the neck of the first man to be dropped, and the knot slipped; he fell in the river and immediately swam for the shore. As they were adjusting the rope for the second culprit, an Irishman, he remarked:

"Will yez be sure and tie that good and tight, 'cause I can't swim."

*THE IRISHMAN AND HIS MULE*

General Sheridan was once asked at what little incident he had laughed the most.

"Well," he said, "I do not know, but always laugh when I think of the Irishman and the army mule. I was riding down the line one day, when I saw an Irishman mounted on a mule, which was kicking its legs rather freely. The mule finally caught its hoof in the stirrup, when, in the excitement, the Irishman exclaimed, 'Well, if you're going to get on, I'll get off.'"

*BUSINESS HABIT*

Some time ago a tramp was walking along, asking the pedestrians whom he met for alms. He stopped in front of the shop of a Jewish second-hand merchant; suddenly he entered it and appreached the dealer, saying,

"Excuse me, sir, but would you kindly give me a few pennies for a bed?"

The man looked at him and said with a characteristic business-like air,

"Vare is dot ped? Let me see it."

*A TEACHER'S JOYS*

A Philadelphia school-teacher tells this story:

"Last week I was teaching a spelling lesson to a class of little second-graders. The word 'each' occurred, was written, on the board, and from it I expected to derive 'peach,' 'reach,' 'teach,' etc. Pointing to the word, I said, 'Can any child give a sentence using "each"?'

"A hand was unhesitatingly thrust up and a little German girl replied, 'Does your back each?'"

*FAMILY PRIDE*

A number of little girls were boasting of the rank of their respective families. They had passed from clothes to personal appearance, then to interior furnishings, and finally came to parental dignity. The minister's little girl boasted:

"Every package that comes for my papa is marked D.D."

"And every package that comes for my papa is marked M.D.," retorted the daughter of the physician.

Then followed a look of contempt from the youngest of the party. "Hugh," she exclaimed, "every package that comes to our house is marked C.O.D."

*ON THE WITNESS STAND*

Thomas Barry, a Boston lawyer, was recently examining an Irish witness in a municipal court in a suit having to do with an accident on the street cars. Here is a fragment of the information elicited by the lawyer's advice that the witness give an account of the disaster in his own words.

"Well, the man fell in th' str-reet as' the car-r passed; thin th' car-r stopped, an' we all ran out. The cr-rowd gathered ar-round th' man and shouted: 'He's kilt; he's kilt!' Thin Oi jumped in, pulled a dozen of the spalpeens out uv th' way and yells at 'em: 'Yez thick-heads, yez! If the man's kilt why in Hivvin's name don't yez stand to one side and let him have a br-reath of air-r."

*DEFECTIVE EDUCATION*

A well-known citizen of Baltimore was recently spending a few days with his wife at Atlantic City. When he seated himself in the dining-room on the evening of his arrival he discovered that he could not read the menu, as he had left his glasses in his room. His wife was in the same predicament, so calling a waiter he said:

"Read that to me and I will give you half a dollar."

Quick as a flash the waiter replied:

"'Scuse me, boss, but I ain't had much ejication maself!"

*UNAVOIDABLE LAUGHTER*

"Mary," said a lady to her cook, "I must insist that you keep better hours and that you have less company in the kitchen at night. Last night you kept me from sleeping because of the uproarious laughter of one of your women friends."

"Yis, mum, I know," was the reply; "but she couldn't help it. I was tellin' her how you tried to make cake one day."

*SHE WAS EXCUSED*

One evening as the mother of a little niece of Phillips Brooks was tucking her snugly into bed, the maid stepped in and said there was a caller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say her prayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes. The caller remained only a short time and when the mother went up-stairs again, she asked the little girl if she had done as she was bidden.

"Yes, mamma, I did and I didn't," she said.

"What do you mean by that, dear?"

"Well, mamma, I was awfully sleepy so I just asked God if He wouldn't excuse me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't mention it, Miss Brooks.'"

*A WRONG TRANSLATION*

Senator Quay was fond of telling a story of an experience of his in a country hotel near Pittsburg.

Hanging on the wall in the parlor was an inscription, "Ici on parle Francais." The Senator noted the sign and turning to the landlord said, "Do you speak French?"

"No," the man replied, "United States will do for me."

"Well, then," said Quay, "why do you have that notice on the wall? That means, 'French is spoken here.'"

"Well, I'll be blamed!" ejaculated the hotel-keeper. "A young chap sold that to me for 'God bless our home.'"

*GETTING EVEN WITH HIM*

Mr. W----, who used to be president of the Seaboard Air Line, is a good friend of Mr. S----, president of the Southern Railway. The friends of the two are fond of springing upon them this story:

In sending out complimentary passes to officials of the Seaboard system it happened through error that the Southern sent to Mr. W---- a pass marked "Not good on the Washington and South-western Limited." When he received it Mr. W---- looked up the Seaboard pass that was to be sent to Mr. S----. With a pen he wrote across it:

"Not good on passenger trains."

*COMING DOWN LIKE A LADY*

A young lady was entertaining callers one evening when her little sister came down the stairway in a noisy manner. "Frances," said the annoyed elder sister, "you came down-stairs so that you could be heard all over the house. Now, go back and come down properly."

Frances retired, and in a few minutes reentered the parlor.

"Did you hear me come down-stairs this time, Marjie?" asked the little girl anxiously.

"No, dear; this time you came down like a lady."

"Yes'm," explained Frances, exhibiting some pride and satisfaction in her performance, "this time I slid down the banisters."

*NOT A POPULAR CANDIDATE*

A dispute arose on a train one election day as to who would be elected Governor of Pennsylvania. One man stoutly maintained that Pattison would be elected, while another said Pennypacker would receive an immense majority. An Irishman on the train offered twenty-five dollars on the first-named candidate.

"You're both mistaken," said a religious-looking man after the discussion had gone on for some time.

"Bedad! who will be Governor, thin?" asked the Celt.

"The Lord," said the old man solemnly. "He will be Governor of Pennsylvania."

There was silence for a moment, and then the Celt shouted out:

"Begorry, an' I bet you twenty-five dollars that He don't carry Pittsburg."

*JOHNNY'S CONSCIENCE*

A teacher in one of our city schools defined conscience as "something within you that tells you when you have done wrong."

"Oh, yes," said a little lad at the end of the room, "I had it once last summer after I'd eaten green apples, but they had to send for a doctor."

*NOT TO BE DISSUADED*

A number of salesmen were discussing the subject of traveling through the South.

"I have often wondered," said one of them, "how those boys, who take your hats in the dining-rooms of southern hotels and place them in a rack without checks know which hat to give you. If thought I would try and fool one. One day when I had finished lunch, and the boy had handed me my hat, I tried it on and pretended it was a misfit.

"'This is not my hat,' I said, but he was ready with his answer.

"'Dat may not be youah hat, sah,' he replied calmly, 'but it am de hat what you gib me when you come in.'"

*AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE*

An Irishman walked into a men's furnishing goods store the other day and said:

"Oi want to get somethin' fer mournin' wear, but Oi don't know exactly what the coostom is. What do they be wearin' now fer mournin'?"

"It depends," explained the salesman, "on how near the relative is for whom you wish to show this mark of respect. For a very near relative, you should have an all black suit. For some one not so near you may have a broad band of black on the left arm or a somewhat narrower one for somebody more distant."

"Och! is that it? Well, thin, gimme a shoe string. It's me woife's mither."

*SQUARING THE ACCOUNT*

A practical joker of New York City tells this story upon himself, and declares that the experience cured him of his bad habit:

On my arrival at San Francisco, as a joke I sent to a friend of mine at home, well known for his aversion to spending money, a telegram, with charges to collect, reading, "I am perfectly well."

The information evidently was gratifying to him, for about a week after sending the telegram an express package was delivered at my room, on which I paid four dollars for charges. Upon opening the package I found a large New York street paving block, on which was pasted a card, which read, "This is the weight your recent telegram lifted from my heart."

*THE IRISH BULL*

Two Celts who had been backsliding in their religious duties, had taken the pledge and were trying to summon sufficient courage to attend church. Each disliked the idea of going because of the gossip it would create, so they agreed to be present at the same service on the principle that misery loves company.

"But, Casey," asked one, "how am Oi to know if yez be there?"

"Why, Patr-rick, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll make a chalk mar-rk on the wall beside th' dure."

"A good plan, faith," said Patrick; "an' Casey, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll rub the mar-rk out so that yez'll know."

*MORE BULLS*

This is submitted as an ideal example of the Irish "bull":

Roger: "Timothy, yez is dr-unk."

Timothy: "Roger, Oi'm not--an' if 'Oi was sober-r yez would not dare to say so."

Roger: "An' Timothy, if yez was sober-r yez'd have sinse enough to know ye wuz dr-runk."

*THE INTELLIGENT GOAT*

Three colored men were discussing the intelligence of different animals. One favored the dog; another, the horse; but old Peter Jackson said, "In my opinion de goat am de 'telligentest critter livin'. De goat kin read, I saw him do it. Once I wuz walkin' down street dressed in mah best suit, an' wearin' mah new plug hat. When I got down on de main street, I seed a billboa'd on which it said: 'Chew Jackson's Plug.' A goat wuz standin' thar when I passed an' when I wuz about ten feet away he must hab recognized me, for de next thing I knew, I went sailin' in de mud. When I looked 'roun' dat goat wuz chewin' mah plug hat for all he wuz worth. Gem'men, da is no question in mah mind about de 'telligence ob de goat. He am a wondah."

*WHERE THEY GET IT*

George Ade, not long ago, was speaking of the curious ideas some children have of the most ordinary things. Ade then said the story he was about to tell actually occurred in Indiana, his native State. There was a little boy, who, on seeing a pan of warm, freshly-drawn milk, inquired where the cows got their milk.

"Where do you get your tears?" was the reply.

"Gee!" exclaimed the youngster, "do you have to spank the cows?"

*NEAR ENOUGH*

It was a Maine girl of whom the story is told that she refused to marry a most devoted lover until he had amassed a fortune of ten thousand dollars. After some expostulation he accepted the verdict and went to work. About three months after this bargain had been made the young lady, meeting her lover, said:

"Well, Charley, how are you getting along?"

"Oh, very well indeed," Charley returned cheerfully. "I've eighteen dollars saved."

The young lady blushed and looked down at the toes of her walking boots. "I guess," she said, faintly, "I guess, Charley, that's about near enough."

*A CLOSE SHAVE*

A little girl asked her mother if there were any men in heaven.

"Mamma," she said, "I never saw a picture of an angel with a beard or a mustache. Do men ever go to heaven?"

"Oh! yes," replied her mother, "men go to heaven, but it's always by a close shave."

*TOO MUCH LIKE HOME*

Three men determined to rob a certain house. So, on the night chosen for the deed, they gathered in front of the building. One of them entered and started up-stairs. He had his boots on and, when near the landing, they squeaked. A female voice was heard in one of the rooms.

"You go right down-stairs and take those boots off. I'm tired of having to clean up mud and dirt after you. March right down and take them off."

The burglar turned about, went down the steps, and joining his companions, said:

"Boys, I couldn't rob that house, it seems too much like home."

*A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR*

It happened on an inauguration day in Washington and a member of a governor's staff was, for the first time, arrayed in his full uniform. When he arrived at the Capitol, he remembered having left something at his boarding-house and turned back after it. The landlady's small daughter answered the bell. She did not recognize the lodger in his showy and magnificent dress.

"Who is it?" asked the mother before going into the parlor.

"I don't know, mamma, but I think it's God."

*HOW HE KNEW*

In a New York court, counsel for the defense, in a case of assault, was questioning a witness for the prosecution. "Now, you say you saw the quarrel between the two men?"

"Yes," replied the man, who happened to be a carpenter.

"How far away from them were you?"

"Just four yards, two feet, three and one-half inches."

"What do you mean?" shouted the attorney. "You don't mean to say that you can measure distance that accurately with your eye?"

"No," said the carpenter, quietly; "but I knew some fool would ask me, so I measured it."

*WORSE YET*

Henry H. Rogers, the Copper and Standard Oil magnate, was visited recently by one of his friends who has been under the weather for months. Mr. Rogers inquired kindly after the health of his caller.

"I have been staying down at Lakewood, New Jersey, for six months," was the reply, "and I've been pretty low. In fact, I never was in so bad a state before."

Mr. Rogers smiled and asked quietly:

"You've never been in Montana, have you?"

*AMENITIES OF THE BAR*

Judge Norton was solemn, stern and dignified to excess. He was also egotistical, and sensitive to ridicule. Judge Nelson was a wit and careless of decorum. He did not like Judge Norton.

At a Bar supper Judge Norton in an elaborate speech, referring to the early days of Wisconsin, described with tragic manner a thunder-storm which once overtook him in riding the circuit; the scene was awful, "and," said the Judge, "I expected every moment the lightning would strike the tree under which I had taken shelter."

"Then," interrupted Nelson, "why in thunder didn't you get under another tree?"

*AT SUNDAY-SCHOOL*

In a down-town Sunday-school a few Sundays ago the teacher asked a class of girls: "Can any little girl here tell me what the Epistles are?"

"I think I know," said one child.

"Well, Dorothy?"

"The Epistles were the Lady Apostles."

*A STORY ABOUT CHICAGO*

Two New York women were lunching together at a favorite cafe.

"One hears strange stories about Chicago," said the woman in the chinchilla tricorne, "but I never believed half of them until I went there a while ago on a visit. Will you believe, my dear, that I went to a dinner where there was a little silver trumpet beside each soup plate?"

"What were they for?" inquired the girl with the violets.

"I didn't know at first, but I found out later that they were called 'soup coolers,' and were used for blowing the soup!" said the traveled one.

*A BRIGHT PUPIL*

A pupil in one of the rural schools of Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, was told by his teacher to form a sentence with the word "cuckoo" in it. The youngster at once replied, "Chust because she made those cuckoo eyes."

*A VIEW IN SCOTLAND*

Two smart young men from London once came upon a respectable-looking shepherd in Argyleshire, and accosted him with:

"You have a very fine view here--you can see a great way."

"Yu ay, yu ay, a ferry great way."

"Ah! you can see America here, I suppose?"

"Farrar than that."

"How is that?"

"Yu jist wait tule the mists gang awa' and you'll see the mune."

*A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING*

Colonel Maltby tells of a neighbor of his at St. David's who went home at a rather unusual hour of the day.

"Can you tell me of my wife's whereabouts?" he asked of the family servant.

Bridget hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Faith, to tell ye the truth, I really belave they're in the wash."

*THE SKYSCRAPER*

At a recent dinner there were present a Frenchman and his wife who had recently come to America. They were having some difficulty with our language.

In the course of the conversation, the Frenchman remarked to his neighbor at table, "I haf moosh interest in your high beeldings in zis countree. Vot you call zem--sky creepers?"

"Oh, no," broke in his wife, "zat iss not right. It iss sky scratchers."

*POOR JUDGMENT*

"But, papa," protested Gladys, "I am not a bit too young to marry. You know perfectly well that you married mamma when she was eighteen, and I am a whole year older than that."

"I know, but I never thought much of your mother's judgment in that respect."

*HE WOULD TAKE IT WITH HIM*

Horace T. Eastman, the inventor of the locomotive pilot, is said to be responsible for this story.

"I was sitting in a drug store waiting to get a prescription filled, when a young Irishman entered. He pointed to a stack of green castile soap and said:

"'Oi want a loomp o' thot.'

"'Very well, sir,' said the clerk, 'will you have it scented or unscented?'

"'Oi'll take ut with me,' said the Irishman."

*CORRECT*

"Who can tell me who our first President was?" asked the teacher.

"George Washington," instantly answered a bright boy.

"George Washington was our first President," replied the teacher, "and this is what you should have said. Never reply to such questions in monosyllables. Now, who can tell me what I have on my feet?"

"Shoes," spoke up one boy.

"You have not answered correctly. Who can answer that question in a correct manner?"

"Stockings," suggested another boy.

"No, no, no! That is not the way."

At this a boy in a back seat began to wave his hand eagerly. "Well, what have I on my feet, Johnnie?"

"Corns," replied John triumphantly.

*THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE HYMN*

An anecdote is narrated of a negro evangelist who held evening services in a chapel formerly used by the Anglican Church. In a hymnal, which had been left there, he found an old familiar hymn suitable for his sermon, but the Roman number CXIX somewhat confused him and he was not at once able to announce it.

As was the custom, he read the verses through, still showing signs of embarrassment and then reread the first stanza. This did not seem to aid him or the congregation, and at last he straightened himself and said with dignity, "Brethren, let us sing the Skeesix Hymn."

*A PAINFUL DEATH*

During a celebrated murder trial in New York City there were among the many interested spectators two men, between whom the following conversation occurred:

"The evidence will convict the prisoner sure," remarked one.

"Not only convict him, but will hang him," returned the other.

"Man alive! They don't hang murderers in New York!"

"Well, what do they do with them?"

"Kill them with elocution."

*HE DID*

Judge Parker is said to tell as a favorite story the tale of a young man in Savannah named Du Bose, who invited his sweetheart to take a buggy ride with him. The young woman had a very fetching lisp. When they reached a rather lonesome bit of road the young man announced:

"This is where you have to pay toll. The toll is either a kiss or a squeeze."

"Oh, Mr. Du Both!" exclaimed his companion.

*NOT AT HOME*

A caller stopped at the house of a certain man and asked if he was at home.

"'Deed, an' he's not," replied the woman who answered his ring.

"Can you tell me where he is?"

"I cannot."

"When did you see him last?"

"At his funeral."

"And who may you be?"

"I'm his remains," said the widow, and she closed the door.

*MIXED PROVERBS*

On a cabbage patch owned by a negro in a Southern community oil was found. Speculators offered the negro $20,000, which was accepted without waiting to consider another proposition, said to be worth $40,000.

"What is this about your cabbage patch?" inquired a neighbor of the negro. "I understand you have sold it for $20,000."

"Yas, that's true, boss," replied the negro. "Yo' see, men come picking round my place an' dey say dar's oil heah. Dey say, 'We gib yo' $20,000.' I say 'All right.'"

"I am told if you had waited a day or two you might have sold it for $40,000?"

"Yas, dat mebbe so; but a bird in the hand's th' nobles' work of God!"

*AN ENDLESS CHAIN*

A lady who was visiting the home of a friend had just given each of the children a penny. When the savings bank was produced and the coins were deposited therein, the lady made the remark that the children had a lot of money.

"Oh, yes," said little Mary. "Mamma is very good to us. Every time we take our castor oil without crying she gives us a penny."

"And what do you do with all the money?" asked the visitor.

"Why, mamma buys some more castor oil with it!"

*IT WOULD DEPEND*

Franklin B. Gowen at one time tried a case in court against a man who was defended by a lawyer named Browne. The issue involved was an important one and every point was vigorously contested. During the trial Mr. Gowen frequently referred to Mr. Browne as "Mr. Brow-nie," which embarrassed the lawyer so much that the presiding judge noticed it. "Mr. Gowen, the name of the plaintiff's counsel is Browne, not Brow-nie. Now, my name is Greene, G-r-e-e-n-e, and you wouldn't call me Gree-nie, would you?" To which Mr. Gowen replied, "That will depend altogether on how you decide this case."

*NECESSARY LABOR*

The other Sunday two small boys were industriously digging in a vacant lot, when a man who was passing stopped to give them a lecture.

"Don't you know that it is a sin to dig on Sunday, unless it be a case of necessity?" asked the good man.

"Yes, sir," timidly replied one of the boys.

"Then why don't you stop it?"

"'Cause this is a case of necessity," replied the little philosopher. "A feller can't fish without bait."

*THE RETORT COURTEOUS*

Daniel Webster was noted for his ready wit, and the following example of it is told by a man whose father heard the statesman's retort:

Webster was standing one afternoon on Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington, talking with a Senator from South Carolina. Between them there was a certain ill-concealed enmity. As they were talking a drove of mules was driven past them. The Senator remarked:

"Webster, why don't you bow? There go some of your constituents."

Quick as a flash Webster took off his hat, and, bowing gravely, replied:

"Yes, Senator, we are sending them down South to teach school."

*A RESPONSIVE CHORD*

A woman of Madison County, New York, was in Washington during the second term of President Cleveland and with her husband took occasion to go to see the chief executive at one of the large public receptions. All was new and grand to the couple, but the sight of the endless line of handshakers elicited the genuine sympathy of the old woman for the First Lady of the Land. No doubt, this feeling was considerably stimulated by her own weariness from long standing in line, which had about exhausted her strength as well as her patience. When finally she did reach the president and his wife, she exclaimed:

"Mrs. Cleveland, be you very tired?"

With quick adaptability and very gentle earnestness, Mrs. Cleveland replied:

"Yes, I be."

*HE WAS RAISED*

A year ago a manufacturer hired a boy. For months, there was nothing noticeable about him except that he never took his eyes off the machine he was running. A few weeks ago, the manufacturer looked up from his work to see the boy standing beside his desk.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Want my pay raised."

"What are you getting?"

"Three dollars a week."

"Well, how much do you think you are worth?"

"Four dollars."

"You think so, do you?"

"Yes, sir, an' I've been thinkin' so fer three weeks, but I've been so blame busy, I haven't had time to speak to you about it."

*NOT A FAIR HEAD*

An Irishman was arrested and convicted for killing a man in a fight at a fair by cracking him over the head with a shillalah. At the trial it was shown that the victim possessed a very thin skull and the Irishman being asked if he had anything to say before sentence was pronounced, replied:

"No, your honor; but was that a skull for a man to go to a fair with?"

*AN UNUSUAL SIGHT*

A captain of an English regiment stationed at Natal, while paying off his company, chanced to give one of his new recruits a Transvaal half crown which bears the image and superscription of Paul Kruger. The fellow soon returned with the coin and, throwing it on the table, declared it was bad. The officer took the piece of money and rang it on the table.

"It sounds all right, Atkins: what's the matter with it?" he asked.

"Well, sir," replied Atkins, "if you say it's all right, it's all right, but it's the first time I've seed the Queen with whiskers on."

*VERY LONG AGO*

In the northwestern section of the city there is a teacher who has charge of a primary class. One morning she was giving her pupils a lesson on the Civil War and wished to impress on their minds how long ago it had occurred.

"Just think, children," she said, "it was so long ago that even I don't remember it."

"O-o-o-o Gee!" exclaimed one of the boys.

*FASHIONABLE LOVE*

Little Mary's big sister was engaged to Mr. Brown, who was away on a trip with Mary's brother. Her father was writing to his son and prospective son-in-law and asked the little girl if she had any message to send to Mr. Brown.

"What shall I say, papa?" asked she

"Why," said the father, "I believe it is the fashion to send your love."

A few minutes later her father inquired, "And what shall I say to brother Tom?"

"Well," replied the little miss, with a sigh, "you may send my fashionable love to Mr. Brown and my real love to brother Tom."

*NOT THEIR SORT*

One warm summer day, Bishop C----, who is fond of donning old clothes and tramping through the mountains of West Virginia, entered an inn where several men were drawn up at the bar.

"Come join us," called out one of the men hospitably.

"No, thank you," said the bishop. "The fact is, I never drink."

"Do you eat hay?" retorted the West Virginian, nettled at the bishop's refusal and eying him quizzically.

"No," was the bland reply.

"Then I say," drawled the mountaineer looking at the others to see the effect of his witticism, "then I say, you're not fit company for man or beast."

*FOLLOWING THE SEA*

Two Irishmen had taken a day off and had gone on a little pleasure trip to Atlantic City. Walking beside the sea one of them exclaimed:

"Pat, would yer like to follow the sea always?"

"Shure, an' that Oi would," replied Pat, "if Oi could go the whole distance on the boardwalk."

*HE RESPECTFULLY SUBSCRIBED*

One of the stories attributed to Bishop Potter concerns a young and inexperienced clergyman who had just been called to a city charge. At the end of the first month his salary was paid by a check, and he took it to the bank and passed it in at the paying-teller's window. The official looked at it and then passed it back.

"It's perfectly good," he said, "but I will have to ask you to indorse it."

The young clergyman took his pen and wrote across the face of the check, "I respectfully subscribe to the sentiments herein expressed."

*PROOF OF ACCIDENT*

The lady of the house was congratulating herself on obtaining a very good cook--the only trouble was her carelessness.

One day hearing a dish fall and break, and the cook's remark, "Hup, there she goes!" she called her, and said:

"Can't you be more careful? You seem to enjoy breaking dishes."

"Indade," replied the cook consolingly, "'tis only cheap chinyware you use; shure, there's no pleasure in breakin' thot koind."

*A POWERFUL POISON*

A certain high school teacher amused his students the other day during a lecture on chemistry by relating a story about an old German professor who, in narrating the fact that cyanide of potassium was a very deadly poison, went so far as to say that "one drop of this stuff placed on the tongue of a rabbit would kill the strongest man!"

*WHY HE LAUGHED*

On one occasion, Dan Leno, the London comedian, had appeared at a house in Park Lane, and given his best entertainment. The languor of his listeners made him feel not too happy, and he was glad to retire to the dressing-room allotted him. While he was removing the paint a very young peer, who had strolled after him, told Leno in the most approved drawl that some of his sayings had really been rather funny.

"Especially that one, you know, where your wife made a pancake on a gridiron and the pancake slipped through and put the fire out. That made me laugh awfully, because I know what a gridiron is. I have seen one."

*A SAFEGUARD*

One cool day last June, just after the public bathhouses had been opened, a boy of ten or twelve came into school with his hair very wet. The teacher at. once surmised that he had been indulging in a bath, and asked him about it. He admitted the fact.

"Weren't you afraid you'd take cold?" she asked.

"No, ma'am, the water is filtered."

*HOW SHE DEPARTED*

At an employment bureau, an Irish girl was asked regarding her past record. She gave satisfactory replies to all the questions, but had no reason for leaving the place she had last held. Finally she was asked point blank:

"Now tell me, did you have any words with your mistress that led to your giving up the position?"

"Niver a wor-rd, sor," she was quick to respond, "niver a wor-rd, shure; Oi jist quietly locked the dure in the bathroom whin she was insoide, tuk all me things, sor, and lift the place."

*CONCEALING HIS CONTEMPT*

That doughty Pennsylvanian, Thaddeus Stevens, once displayed so much annoyance and disgust with the decision in a case on which he was engaged that he reached for his hat and started out of the court-room in the most informal way. Near the door he was stopped by the voice of the judge:

"Mr. Stevens, are you trying to express your contempt for the court?"

"No, your honor," Stevens replied, "I am trying to conceal it."

*THE PHYSICIAN'S FEE*

A very eminent physician had cured a little girl of a dangerous illness. "Doctor," said the mother, "I really don't know how to express my gratitude, but thought perhaps you would be so kind as to accept this purse embroidered by my own hands."

"Madam," replied the doctor coldly, "small presents serve to sustain friendships; but they don't sustain our families. A physician's visits should be rewarded in money."

"But, doctor," said the lady alarmed and wounded, "speak, tell me the fee."

"Two hundred dollars, madam."

The lady opened the embroidered purse, took out five bank notes of one hundred dollars each, gave two to the doctor, put the remaining three back in the purse, bowed coldly and departed.

*TWO TO ONE*

Seated in a crowded traction car some time since was a very-stout woman who weighed about three hundred pounds, and beside her, squeezing into a space about three inches broad, was a messenger boy--one of those very small abused-looking boys.

The stout woman, after looking about the car for a while, noticed two young ladies standing near her and, turning to the small boy beside her, said:

"Little boy, why don't you get up and let one of those young ladies sit down?"

"Why don't you get up and let 'em both sit down?" replied the boy much to the amusement of the rest of the passengers.

*A GOOD REASON*

A professor tells this story at his own expense:

He was instructing a class of boys about the circulation of the blood and to make sure that they understood him he said, "Can you tell me why it is that if I stood on my head the blood would rush to my head, and when I stand on my feet, there is no rush of blood to the feet?"

Then a small boy after pausing for a short time answered, "It is because your feet are not empty, sir."

*IN MOURNING*

His wife had been dead but a few weeks when a young farmer living near Reading, Pennsylvania, a typical Berks County German, made good the deficiency and married again. That there should be no violation of the proprieties, however, was soon made plain by his treatment of the bride's proposal that he drive her to town on the following Sunday.

"What!" he exclaimed, "you sink I ride out wit anoter woman so soon after the deat' of my wife?"

*SELF-SACRIFICE*

The friends of a certain merchant had been interested for several months in a house which he had been building in the suburbs. It was a modern dwelling the exterior of which was attractive, but few had yet seen the interior. One morning friend met the merchant on a trolley car.

"So your house is built at last?" said the friend.

"Yes."

"But I thought the plans didn't suit you?"

"Oh, they don't," came the reply; "but they suit my wife, the architect, and the cook."

*PRE-NUPTIAL CONFIDENCES*

She was an exacting young woman and before she would promise to marry him, he had to answer a great many questions relating to his past life. He thought he had given her a very fair account of himself, but, just when the wedding ceremony was about to take place, he remembered an omission and, fearing that she might have cause for future reproach, he whispered in her ear:

"Mary, there is one thing I have not told you yet. I am a Universalist. Does it matter, love?"

"No, I guess not, dear," said the bride serenely, "I am a somnambulist."

*WONDERED HOW THEY MET*

Not very far from one of our large cities lives a happy little family of three, father, mother and a little lad of about five years.

"Father, where were you born?" asked the youthful heir.

"In Chester," replied his father.

"And where was mother born?"

"Your mother was born in London."

"But father, where was I born?"

"My child, you were born in Philadelphia. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, nothing, only I think it's very funny how we three people ever met one another."

*AFTER DEATH IN AFRICA*

Two old-time darkies were engaged in a discussion of death and its mysteries when Uncle Mose said:

"Reuben, does you b'lieve dat whin a pusson dies he kin turn into a dorg er a chicken?"

"Well, I dunno," answered Reuben, "ef you had yo' way whin you dies, would you turn to a chicken?"

"Dat depend altogedder."

"Altogedder on what?"

"On whedder er not you lived in de nearabouts."

*IS AND HAS BEEN*

An Englishman went into a restaurant in a New England town and was served for his first course with a delicacy unknown to him. So he asked the waiter what it was and the waiter replied:

"It's bean soup, sir."

Upon this the Englishman rejoined in high dudgeon, "I don't care what it's been, I want to know what it is."

*THE COMPENSATION OF LIFE*

Bridget and Pat were sitting on a sofa reading an article on "The Laws of Compensation."

"Just fancy," exclaimed Bridget, "accordin' to this, whin a mon loses wan av 's sinses another gits more developed. For instance, a bloind mon gits more sinse av hearin' an' touch, an'----"

"Shure an' it's quite thrue," answered Pat, "Oi've noticed it mesilf. Whin a mon has wan leg shorter than the other, begorre the other's longer."

*IN THE SLEEPING CITY*

A young New Yorker was in Philadelphia recently to call upon a few friends, expecting to return to New York on a midnight train. Being detained longer than he had expected, he determined to remain in the city all night. When he had been told in four different first class hotels that there was no room to be had he began to despair, but at the fifth he was more successful.

"Not until tonight," he remarked to the clerk at the hotel where he was finally accommodated, "did I put any stock in the saying that Philadelphia is a great place to sleep in; but it must be, seeing that people come here to pay hotel rates for the privilege."

*A NATURAL CONCLUSION*

A bad little boy who lives in a suburb of the city crawled under the bed the other day when his mother wanted to punish him. She could not get him out without considerable difficulty and consequently decided to let him remain there until his father returned in the evening from the city.

When the father arrived and was told of the trouble, he started to crawl under the bed to bring out the disobedient child, but was very much astonished when the little fellow called out, "Hello, is she after you, too?"

*HIS APOLOGY*

There was an old judge in Pennsylvania whose decisions, in consequence of numerous reversals, did not always command universal respect. One day in a case on which he was sitting, one of the lawyers lost patience at his inability to see things in a certain light and, in the heat of the moment, remarked that the intellect of the Court was so dark that a flash of lightning could not penetrate it. For this contempt, the judge demanded a public apology. The following day the lawyer accordingly appeared before his honor and made amends by saying:

"I regret very much that I said the intellect of the Court was so dark lightning could not penetrate it. I guess it could. It is a very penetrating thing."

*ALWAYS WANTED THE BEST*

An old German couple, living in a quiet town, had met slight financial reverses which caused the wife considerable worriment, while her better half was inclined to take the matter philosophically and make the best of the situation. In the course of her complaints, she one day said:

"Ach! I vish I vas dead."

"I don't," said her husband. "I vish I vas in a beer saloon."

"Dot's it! Dot's it!" replied the spouse. "Dot's chust like you. You always vants de best."

*ACCORDING TO WEIGHT*

The scene was a crowded street car. The car stopped and a very thin man started to work his way out. He had great difficulty in squeezing through a space between two very stout men and at last got angry.

"People who ride on street cars ought to pay according to weight," he snapped to the conductor.

"If they did," answered one of the big fellows good naturedly, "the car wouldn't stop for you."

*LARGE ENOUGH*

One day last summer two small boys were playing near the country road. A young lady approached them.

"Little boy," said she, "can you tell me if I can get through this gate to the pike?"

"Yes'm, I think so. A load of hay went through five minutes ago."

*SO HE WOULD*

Charlie Brown, aged ten years, has a baby brother about three weeks old, of which he is very proud. A neighbor who delights to tease met Charlie on the street a few days ago and said to him:

"Charlie, what makes that baby over at your house cry so much? I never heard a baby cry so often. Why it cries all the time."

Charlie looked at his interlocutor a moment and replied:

"If you had no hair on your head, and no teeth in your mouth, and your legs were so weak you couldn't stand up, I reckon you would feel like crying, too."

*TO HELP HER ON*

The following story is told of President Roosevelt: Once he had to recite an old poem beginning:

"At midnight in his guarded tent,
The Turk lay dreaming of the hour
When Greece, her knee in suppliance bent,
Should tremble at his power."

He got only as far as "When Greece, her knee," when he stopped. Twice he repeated "Greece, her knee" and then he broke down.

The old professor beamed on him over his glasses and remarked "Greece her knee once more, Theodore. Perhaps she'll go then."

*COMPARATIVE VALUES*

Two elderly men recently met for the first time in many years, and a part of their conversation was overheard, as follows:

"And how many children have you, John?"

"Eight, five boys and three girls. How many have you?"

"Ne'er a one. Can't you spare me one of yours?"

"No. What I have, I wouldn't take a million dollars apiece for; and," he added reflectively, "I wouldn't give five cents for another."

*STRATEGICAL*

General Joe Wheeler tells a story of an Irishman who presented himself for cavalry duty at the recruiting station at Selma, Alabama, at the outbreak of the Civil War. He was very enthusiastic but very raw and gave the fencing master a great deal of trouble. He began to improve, however, after the eighth or ninth lesson and his instructor, upon obtaining a few satisfactory replies as to thrusts, parries, etc., asked, "Now, Pat, what would you do were your opponent to feint?"

"Faint, is it?" came from the recruit. "Why, shure and Oi'd tickle him wid me sword to see if he was shammin'."

*NO CAUSE FOR ANXIETY*

"I wish, Susan," said a fond mother to her new nursemaid, "that you would use a thermometer to ascertain if the water is the right temperature when you give the baby his bath."

"Oh," replied Susan cheerfully, "don't you worry about that. I don't need any thermometer. If the little 'un turns red the water is too hot, if he turns blue, it's too cold and there you are."

*HIS FUTURE STATE*

A young city girl, teaching school for a session in the country, was struggling with the reading lesson. She wrote the word man on the blackboard and asked a boy of six how the word was pronounced. The young hopeful said he did not know.

"Now listen while I spell it," she continued; "m-a-n. What does that sound like?"

"I don't know," the youngster answered quite truthfully.

Still the teacher persisted. "What will they call you when you grow up?" said she.