Chapter II: Part 2

Then, a light suddenly breaking over his face, the lad answered, "Why, pop."

*A LOVE LETTER*

A gentleman recently found the following letter in the chamber of his negro coachman who had lately been dismissed from service:

"DEAR MR. GOINGS:--Last night I dreamed that you and me was walking in a garden full of beautiful flowers, lilies, and roses, and pineys but you were the beautifullest of all, Mr. Goings. I would risk my life crossing the ocean on a spiderweb to kiss your sweet sugar lips. Mr. Goings, let me give you a hint of my love. Please send me a bottle of colone.

"From your lovingist,
"LILLIE LUCINDA."

*COULD NOT BE EXCHANGED*

"Well, Bobbie," said a kindly old gentleman to a little friend of his, aged five, "what's new up at your house?"

"Nothin' much 'cept I've got a new baby brother."

"You don't mean it! Well, I suppose you're very fond of him?"

"Nope; he's no good--yells all the time."

"Why don't you send him back?"

"Can't; we've used him four days already."

*THE SOFT ANSWER*

A clergyman visiting the house of one of his parishioners caught a young lady of the house in the act of curling her hair with a curling iron. He exclaimed, "My dear young lady, if God intended your hair to be curly He would curl it Himself."

"He did curl it when I was little," she replied, "but I am now grown up. He thinks I can take care of it myself."

*CAME DOWN HARD*

Freddie is a boy of five years and he has a little brother who is just beginning to walk. The younger brother's name is Frank and while Freddie likes him in a certain way, his nose has been rather out of joint since his arrival. The other day he said to his mother:

"Ma, did our baby come right from heaven?"

"Yes, my son," replied the mother.

"Well, then," said the young hopeful, "I guess he must have lit on his feet; that's what makes him so bow-legged."

*KNEW HIS FATHER*

A boy was asked by his teacher, if his father borrowed from him one hundred dollars and promised to pay him back at the rate of ten dollars per week, how much would his father owe him at the of seven weeks.

The boy told the teacher one hundred dollars.

"What!" said the teacher, "after seven weeks! From that, Johnny, I see you know nothing about arithmetic."

"I may not know anything about arithmetic, teacher," said the boy, "but I know my father."

*PHILADELPHIA BLOOD*

A story is told of an old lady who has lived all her life in Walnut Street, as have generations of her family before her. The other day she is said to have consulted a young physician fresh from his honors at the University of Pennsylvania.

"What do you think is the matter with me?" asked the lady.

"I am inclined to think that your blood is not pure, madam. I'll have to give you something to purify it."

"Sir!" said the old lady with dignity, "you are probably not aware that I belong to one of the oldest families in Philadelphia."

*SOUTHERN CHIVALRY*

He was an old negro who had imbibed some of the traditional Southern politeness. He was sitting in a crowded car when a lady entered it and looked about for a seat. He immediately arose and, bowing, offered her his place. Scanning his spare figure and white hair, she said:

"But I do not wish to deprive you of your seat."

With chivalrous tone and a deep bow he replied:

"There's no depravity, madam, no depravity."

*KNEW HER TOUCH*

The story is told of a citizen of a small town in Pennsylvania who, in the early days of the telephone, walked into a country store where he saw the instrument suspended from the wall. Upon being told what it was, he said he would like to talk to his wife whom he had left in a rage some hours before. He picked up the receiver, rang the bell, and said to "Central":

"I want to talk to Sarah."

At that moment a severe storm broke over the wires and knocked the man down. As he picked himself up, he said:

"I know that's Sarah. I can tell her every time."

*THE CHINESE RETORT*

A city official was one of a party which attended the funeral of a Chinaman. He exhibited a great deal of interest in the curious services at the grave, and noticed that, among other things, a roasted duck was left there by the departing mourners. Calling one of the Chinamen aside, he asked:

"Why did you leave that duck on the grave? Do you think the dead man will come out and eat it?"

"Yeppee," replied the laundry-man, "alle samee as le white deadee man come out and smellee flowlers."

*A PERSUASIVE LAWYER*

A man in North Carolina was saved from conviction for horse stealing by the powerful plea of his lawyer. After his acquittal by the jury the lawyer asked:

"Honor bright, now, Bill, you did steal that horse, didn't you?"

"Now look a here, judge," was the reply, "I allers did think I stole that horse, but since I heard your speech to that 'ere jury, I'll be doggoned if I ain't got my doubts about it."

*NO HESITATION*

A burly, broad-shouldered man passed through the gates at the Central station a few days ago and hurried with his two solid-looking suit cases toward a Pullman porter who stood stiffly and erect beside the steps of a parlor car attached to the train. The passenger who was long on suit cases but short on breath asked the proud-looking porter:

"Does this train stop at Rahway?"

"No, sah," replied the negro in a superior manner. "This train do not stop at Rahway, sah, it do not even hesitate at Rahway." BARBARIC

An elderly Quaker gentleman, riding a carriage with a fashionable girl decked with a profusion of jewelry, heard her complaining of the cold. Shivering, in her lace gown and shawl as light as a cobweb, she exclaimed: "What shall I do to get warm?"

"I really don't know," replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless thee should put on another breastpin."

*ABSENCE OF MIND*

A devout and religious man is the clergyman of a parish not twenty miles south of Chicago. His congregation was somewhat amused at the singularity of one of his announcements one evening recently, which was as follows:

"Remember our communion services next Sunday forenoon. The Lord will be with us during the morning service and the Bishop in the evening."

*WAITING FOR A FRIEND*

In one of our large department stores an obliging salesman had taken every roll of cloth but one from the shelves to show to a persistent woman. The last roll was on the top shelf.

"You needn't bother any more," she replied to the weary clerk who was about to reach for the remaining roll, "I was simply waiting for a friend."

"Madam," said the clerk, "if you think she's in the last roll, I'll gladly get it down for you."

*A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE*

An old negro in a South Carolina town was arrested for stealing chickens, and as he bore a rather bad reputation it was quite hard to secure counsel for him. At last a young lawyer, who had known Rastus for a long time, took his case, to the great joy of the old fellow. At his trial the judge asked him:

"Are you the defendant?"

The old fellow was perplexed for a moment, and then replied:

"No, sah, dat's de defendant, sah," pointing proudly to his counsel, "I'se de man wot stole de chickens."

*WEATHER INFLUENCES*

Two young lawyers, both trying to make reputations as orators, happened to be pitted against each other in argument. Both spoke at great length, and in closing the second speaker remarked that he was sorry to find his brother on the wrong side, for there was every reason why they should agree. "We were raised together, we studied together, we were born on the same day."

"Did I understand you to say that you were born on the same day?" questioned a listener.

"Yes," came the prompt reply.

"On the very same day?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then it must have been a very windy day."

*HE FOUND A BETTER PLACE*

Mark Twain, while at his summer residence, prepared one evening to take a drive, and expecting to remain out until late, told the stable boy that he need not wait for him. He directed the fellow, however, when he had finished his work to lock the stable and place the key under a stone, the location of which Mr. Clemens described with much exactness. When the humorist reached home after his drive, he was surprised to find that the key was not in the place selected. When his patience had been exhausted, he awoke the boy, who explained, as he started out to find the missing key:

"Mr. Clemens, I found a better place to hide it!"

*NOT WORTH THE PRICE*

At a club in Washington one evening a justice of the Supreme Court was introduced to a well-known New York business man who is given to boasting of the large income he enjoys.

With the apparent purpose of impressing those about him, the New Yorker remarked that, as nearly as he could tell, his income exceeded $100,000. "I must make as much as that," said he. "Why it costs me $80,000 a year to live."

"Dear me," remarked the justice blandly. "Really, that's too much! I wouldn't pay it--it isn't worth it!"

*THE BAD BOY IN THE BACK SEAT*

A teacher in one of the schools near Philadelphia had one day been so much disturbed by the buzzing of lips and shuffling of feet of the children that she was on the verge of distraction. Finally she said, "Children, I cannot stand so much noise. Please be quiet for a little while, at least. Let me see if you can't be so still that you could hear a pin drop."

Instantly every child became as still as a mouse, and the solemnity continued until a little boy in a back seat piped out, with marked impatience:

"Well, let her drop!"

*NATURE NO RESPECTER OF DAYS*

There is an excellent old lady, a strong advocate of the enforcement of the Blue Laws, who is very fond of the good things of the table, and for this reason she does her own marketing. One Monday morning found her, bright and early, selecting some fine pears from her marketman.

"Are you sure," she asked, "that these pears were not picked on Sunday?"

"I don't know 'bout that," said the man, with a grin, "but I do know they growed on Sunday."

*WHAT THE AIR LACKS*

It is said that Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, returning late from a party in a neighboring city, once awakened his son to tell him a story he thought too good to keep till morning. A lady had been introduced to him, and, considering him scientific man, wished to direct her conversation accordingly.

"Doctor," said she, "don't you think the cause of so much sickness is the want of sozodont in the air?"

*CONSOLED*

While speeding along the pike in his automobile, McC---- saw a man and a dog far ahead of him, the dog running in and out of the bushes. As he whizzed past a moment later the dog darted out ahead of the machine to bark at it, was run over, and instantly killed. McC---- stopped his machine and returned.

"I'm very sorry, sir," he said consolingly to the man, "will that make it all right?" He held out a ten dollar bill.

"It will," replied the man, coolly taking the money and putting it in his pocket.

As the automobile flew down the road he looked sympathetically at the remains and soliloquized:

"Poor little devil! I wonder whose dog it was?"

*FAVORED HIGH SALARIES*

A country minister was one day talking to one of his flock who ventured the opinion that ministers ought to be better paid.

"I am glad to hear you say that," the minister, "I am pleased that you think so much of the clergy; and so you think we should have bigger stipends?"

"Yes," said the old man, "ye see we'd get a better class of men."

*AN ENERGETIC VIDOCQ*

A man who was "wanted" by the police had been photographed in six different positions, and the pictures were duly circulated among the police. A few days after the set of portraits had been issued, the chief of police in a county town wrote to police headquarters of the city in search of the malefactor as follows:

"I duly received the pictures of the six miscreants whose capture is desired. I have arrested five of them, and the sixth is under observation and will be secured shortly."

*A LAWYER'S JOKE*

Some time ago a well-known lawyer remitted in settlement of an account to the publisher of a paper in the West a two dollar bill which was returned with the brief statement: "This note is counterfeit; please send another."

Two months passed before hearing from the lawyer again, when he apologized for the delay, saying:

"I have been unable until now to find another counterfeit two dollar bill, but hope the one now enclosed will suit, professing at the same time my inability to discover what the objection was to the other, which I thought as good a counterfeit as I ever saw."

*HELPING THE HORSES*

A gentleman riding on the front platform of a down-town horse-car, noticed standing beside him a tired-looking Irishman who held a heavy bundle on his shoulder.

"Why don't you set that bundle down on the platform?" asked Mr. L----.

"Sure," said the Celt, "those poor horses have all they can do to dr-rag the car and the payple. Oi'll carry the bundle."

*DISCREDITED THE STORY*

A well-known character in a small town in New Jersey, having returned after a year's absence, was accosted by an acquaintance as follows:

"Hello, Bill, where in the world have I you been? I heard you were dead long ago."

"I heerd o' that meself," Bill replied, "but I knowed it was a lie soon as I heerd it."

*A LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN*

Representative H----, of Iowa, sent some garden seeds to a constituent one spring. They were enclosed in one of the regular franked government envelopes, bearing the words: "Penalty for private use three hundred dollars." A few days later, H---- received this letter:

"DEAR MR. H----: I don't know what to do with those garden seeds you sent me. I notice it is three hundred dollars fine for private use. I don't want to use them for the public; I want to plant them in my private garden, and can't afford to pay three hundred dollars for the privilege. Won't you see if you can fix it so I can use them privately, for I am a law-abiding citizen and do not want to commit any crime."

*CONVENIENT*

Two Irishmen were arguing in regard to the spiritualistic leanings of the late Ferdinand J. Dreer.

"Well," said one, "he moight have been a bit foolish an' belaved in banshee an' the loike, but he knew enough to have himself cr-remated."

"An' do yez be thinkin' that's a good thing?" said the other.

"Why, mon, I do that! Whin yez is cr-remated yez can have the remains put in a tin box and kerry thim ar-round in your vist pocket wid yez."

*THE RESPECTFUL SON*

The obedient boy is a treasure, but in trying to be polite he sometimes slips up. The father of this lad had brought him up to be courteous to his elders on all occasions. Upon going to a distant school, his father had told him to telegraph home "Yes," if he found everything satisfactory and had arrived safely. He did so, but the busy parent had forgotten the arrangement and, being puzzled, telegraphed back, "Yes, what?" The answer came, "Yes, sir."

*A JOKE IN A SERIOUS PLACE*

Certainly no one would think of reading a dictionary for amusement or pleasure--as the Irishman said, he would lose the thread of the story in the great mass of detail. Nor would one expect to find jokes in such a book, barring Mark Twain's about the carbuncle. But that learned and otherwise serious dictionary, the Century, contains at least one laughable entry.

Under the word "question" is the following:

"To pop the question--see pop."

*INSIDE INFORMATION*

A Christian Scientist, while walking in the country, met a small boy sitting under an apple-tree doubled up with pain.

"My little man," she said, "what is the matter?"

"I ate some green apples," moaned the boy, "and oh, how I ache!"

"You don't ache," answered the apostle of Mrs. Eddy; "your pain is imagination. It's all in your mind."

The boy looked up in grave astonishment at such a statement and then replied in a most positive manner:

"That's all right; you may think so, but I've got inside information."

*ADJOINING LAND*

A man soliciting aid for foreign missions, was refused with the reply: "I don't believe in foreign missions. I want what I give to benefit my neighbors."

"Well," rejoined the caller, "whom do you regard as your neighbors?"

"Why, those around me."

"Do you mean those whose land joins yours?"

"Yes."

"How much land do you hold?"

"About five hundred acres."

"And how far through the earth do you think you own?"

"Why, I have never thought of it before, but I suppose I own half-way down."

"Exactly. I suppose you do; and I want this money for the heathen whose land adjoins yours at the bottom."

*VAIN HOPES*

The principal, in questioning the boys of the lower classes of a school, asked them many questions as to citizenship. At last she came to an all-important question.

"Now," she said slowly, "as every boy has ambition, I would like to know how many boys in this room would like to be president of the United States?"

Every boy, save one, raised his hand. The teacher looked in a surprised manner at the little fellow whose hand remained in his lap.

"Why, Bob," she exclaimed, "haven't you any desire to become president of this great country?"

"I'd like to, all right," replied Bob, mournfully, "but 'tain't no use. I'm a Democrat."

*AT THE FERRY*

A colored man of Alabama who ran a ferry was one day thus accosted by a poor white man:

"Uncle Mose, I want to cross but haven't got no money."

Uncle Mose scratched his head.

"Doan you got no money 't all?" he queried.

"No," said the wayfaring stranger, "I haven't a cent."

"But it done cost you but three cents," insisted Uncle Mose, "ter cross de ferry."

"I know," said the white man, "but I haven't got three cents."

Uncle Mose was in a quandary.

"Boss," he said, finally, "I done tell ye what, er man what's not got three cents am jes' ez well off on dis side ob de ribber as on de odder."

*WELL SUPPLIED*

Little Tommy sat away back in church with his mamma. It was his first experience. Everything was wonderful to him. By and by the collection was taken, but imagine the surprise of Tommy's mother when the usher passed the plate to hear Tommy say:

"No, thank you, sir, got some money of my own."

*A HUNGRY MULE*

A young mule had been shipped on a freight train to a farmer in Fauquier County, Virginia. A tag, with shipping directions thereon, had been tied securely around his neck with a rope, but, in the course of the journey, the mule's hunger, and natural depravity had tempted him to chew up both tag and rope. This gave the negro brakeman great concern. He hurried to the conductor in the caboose.

"Marse George," he cried, "for de Lawd, where yo' specs to put off dat mule? 'E done eat up where 'es gwine."

*WHY SNAKES WERE CREATED*

Little Margie had spent all her life in the country and, living near the mountains, had frequently heard of the large snakes to be found in the many holes and crevices of their rocky slopes. Her mother, who was greatly afraid of the reptiles, had one day remarked that she could see no use for such loathsome creatures and wondered why they were created.

The next morning Margie sat in a brown study, her chin upon her hand. Presently, looking up, she said:

"Mamma, I know why God made snakes."

"Why, dear?" asked her mother.

"When He got through makin' the world it was full of holes, so He made snakes to fill up the holes," the child explained.

*FORGOT WHAT ELECTRICITY WAS*

"Mr. Blank, can you tell us what electricity is?"

Mr. Blank squirmed in his seat, hemmed and hawed for a time, and finally admitted:

"I did know, professor, but I've forgotten."

The professor gazed at the student with an expression of unspeakable sorrow. Then he said sadly:

"Mr. Blank, you do not know what you have done. Alas! what a sad loss to science! You are the only man that ever lived who has known what electricity is--and you have forgotten."

*NOT THE SAME*

A young woman who had recently taken charge of a small kindergarten, entered a trolley car the other day, and as she took her seat smiled pleasantly at a gentleman sitting opposite. He raised his hat, but it was evident that he did not know her.

Realizing her error, she said, in tones audible throughout the entire car:

"Oh, please excuse me! I mistook you for the father of two of my children!"

She left the car at the next corner.

*AT ANY COST*

A darky preacher was lost in the happy selection of his text, which he repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.

"Oh, bredern, at de las' day dere's gwine to be sheep an' dere's gwine to be goats. Who's gwine to be de sheep, an' who's gwine to be de goats?"

A solitary Irishman who had been sitting in the back of the church, listening attentively, rose and said:

"_Oi'll_ be the goat. Go on; tell us the joke, Elder. Oi'll be the goat!"

*NEIGHBORLY*

Mrs. D---- decided to move into the country for the summer, and was both surprised and delighted to learn that an old friend of hers resided in the same place. Meeting this friend on the street, Mrs. D---- said:

"I am quite a near neighbor of yours now; I have taken a house by the river."

"Oh, I do hope you will drop in some day," replied the friend.

*WAS HE ANSWERED?*

A Bishop in full robes of office, with his gown reaching to his feet, was teaching a Sunday-school class. At the close he said he would be glad to answer any questions.

A little hand went up, and he asked:

"Well, my boy?"

"Can I ask?" said the boy.

"Certainly," said the Bishop, "what is it?"

"Well," asked the boy, "is dem all you've got on, or do you wear pants under dem?"

*NOT THAT KIND OF EGG*

A vegetarian sitting next to a stranger in a restaurant before long took occasion to advertise his creed by telling him that all meat was injurious, and that the human diet should be strictly vegetarian.

"But," replied the stranger, "I seldom eat meat."

"You just ordered eggs," said the vegetarian. "An egg is practically meat; because it eventually becomes a bird."

"The kind of eggs I eat never become birds," answered the stranger quietly.

"Good heavens!" cried the vegetarian. "What kind of eggs do you eat?

"Principally boiled eggs," said the stranger.

*KNEW HIS BUSINESS*

Two young men entered a cafe of a well-known city hotel the other evening. It happened that a new and very young wine clerk was behind the bar and the two customers resolved to have some fun with him.

"Give me," said one, "a seltzer water."

"And I," said the other, "will have some vicious water."

Without hesitating, the barkeeper placed a bottle of absinthe before the last man to order.

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's the most vicious of anything we keep, sir," calmly replied the clerk.

*HOW TO SAVE GAS BILLS*

A city merchant who has a passion for reading out-of-town newspapers and also for answering many of the advertisements he finds in them tells this on himself:

The other day he answered an advertisement in one of the New York papers stating that for one dollar a method for saving gas bills would be sent. In two days he received a printed slip by mail which read: "Paste them in a scrap-book."

*A DIFFERENCE OF WORDING*

A reader at the Free Library was much offended at what was considered the incompetency of the librarian of whom she demanded a book called "Wait a Minute." The assistant protested she had never heard of the volume, but the inquirer insisted that a friend had read the book and had returned it only the day before. A thorough search of the catalogue failed to reveal the title recorded so the unhappy reader had to depart without it. Later in the day, she returned and apologized, saying the book she wished was entitled "Tarry Thou Till I Come."

*THE MEANEST MAN*

The following is a conversation overheard between two small boys in a city street not long ago. The first boy said to the second boy:

"Gee, your father must be dreadful mean; he's a shoemaker and you have to wear them old shoes."

The second boy answered, "You needn't talk; your father is mean, too, 'cause he is a dentist and your baby's only got one tooth."

*TOO OLD TO LEARN*

One of the students in an Eastern university, wishing to turn an honest penny during his vacation, decided to introduce a new and popular cyclopaedia into the country districts. Needless to say, he had many queer and amusing experiences. At one place he found an old farmer working in the fields.

"I'd like to sell you a new cyclopaedia," said the agent.

"Well, young feller," said the farmer, "I'd like to have one, but I'm afeerd I'm too old to ride the thing."

*A NATURAL MISTAKE*

Freddie went to the country with his father and mother for a month's stay. The lad had been always used to city life, and naturally saw much in the country that was new and surprising. One day a circus came to the village. He with the other boys, was permitted to watch the circus men at work.

At luncheon he astonished the household by exclaiming, "Oh, mamma! what do you think? I was over where they're putting up the circus, and they're filling the ring full of breakfast food."

*A PRAYER FOR STRENGTH*

At one of our theological seminaries it is the custom for the students to take their turns in asking a blessing before meals. Last term the meats had not been as tender as the students thought they should be, and the eyes of the faculty were opened to the fact when one day a young student offered the following blessing:

"O Lord, give us strength to eat this meat!"

*SORRY FOR THE QUEEN*

An English professor wrote on the blackboard in his laboratory:

"Professor Wilson informs his students that he has this day been appointed honorary physician to her Majesty, Queen Victoria."

In the morning he had occasion to leave the room, and found on his return that some student-wag had added to the announcement the words:

"God save the Queen."

*FAMILIES SUPPLIED*

Auntie (to her young niece): Guess what I know, Mary. There's a little baby brother up-stairs! He came this morning when you were asleep.

Mary: Did he? Then I know who brought him. It was the milkman.

Auntie: What do you mean, Mary?

Mary: Why, I looked at the sign on his cart yesterday, and it said, "Families supplied daily."

*EMBARRASSING*

A Philadelphia business man tells this story on himself:

"You know in this city there are two telephone companies," he said, "and in my office I have a telephone of each company. Last week I hired a new office boy, and one of his duties was to answer the telephone. The other day, when one of the bells rang, he answered the call, and then came in and told me I was wanted on the 'phone by my wife.

"'Which one?' I inquired quickly, thinking of the two telephones, of course.

"'Please, sir,' stammered the boy, 'I don't know how many you have.'"

*HIS ANSWER CORRECT*

A young man was taking the civil service examination, and was exasperated at the irrelevance of some of the questions. One question was:

"How many British troops were sent to this country during the American Revolution?"

The young man shook his head for a moment, and, much annoyed, wrote the answer:

"I don't know, but a darned sight more than went back."

*THE LANDLADY'S INDIGNATION*

"Well, how did you rest last night?" asked the landlady of the new boarder.

"I didn't rest much," he replied, "I was troubled all night with insomnia."

"Sir," was the landlady's indignant comment, "I've never heard such a complaint before in my twenty-two years a housekeeper, and I'd have you know, sir, I've had your betters as my boarders! Moreover," she went on, as he began to mumble an explanation, "I do not believe you, sir, and am willing to board you free if you find a single one in that bed."

*A TEMPERANCE SERMON*

At a recent dinner, Colonel McC---- made a speech in which he said that his frequent going to dinners tended to impair his digestive apparatus. He concluded by saying that he was somewhat in the position of the editor of the country weekly who announced in one issue of his paper:

"For the evil effects of intemperance, see our inside."

*BOOKS AND AUTHORS*

A teacher in the Girls' High School vouches for the story of an incident which occurred during the examination of one of her classes in English literature. One of the questions was:

"Give a quotation, name of book in which it appears, and name of the author of the book."

Here is the answer turned in by one of the girls:

"The Lord's Prayer, the Bible, by God."

*WHAT HE HAD READ*

An unlettered Irishman's application to the Court of Naturalization resulted in the following dialogue:

Judge: "Have you read the Declaration of Independence?"

Applicant: "No, sir."

Judge: "Have you read the Constitution of the United States?"

Applicant: "No, sir."

Judge: "Have you read the history of the United States?"

Applicant: "No, sir."

Judge: "No? Well, what have you read?"

Applicant: "Oi have some red hair on the back of me neck, your honor."

*THE ELDER'S NEED*

Bishop Potter tells of an incident that occurred at a negro camp-meeting. The presiding elder had a voice like a fog-horn and used it to the full in exhortation.

"Lord," he prayed, "give us power! Give us, Lord, power! We want power, oh, Lord! Power is what we want--more power! Give us power we beseech Thee."

"Elder," came a voice from the seats, "yo' is shuh wrong. 'Tain't power what yo' need, but idees."

*THE NUMBER INCOMPLETE*

Perhaps he invented the story, but a well-known photographer tells this for a fact. A woman entered his studio.

"Are you the photographer?"

"Yes, madam."

"Do you take children's pictures?"

"Yes, certainly."

"How much do you charge?"

"Three dollars a dozen."

"Well," said the woman, sorrowfully, "I'll have to see you again. I've only got eleven."

*NONE TO INJURE*

It is told of a certain normal school professor, that a student once asked him whether peroxiding the hair is injurious to the brain.

"No," replied the professor, positively.

"Why, I've heard it is," said the student.

"No," repeated the professor. "Any person who peroxides the hair hasn't any brain to injure."

*DOUBTFUL PRAISE*

During the Civil War an old negro was overheard praying. "Oh, Lord," he said, "bress the Union soldiers! Bress General Grant! Oh, Lord, he is coming down here to save us. Oh, bress General Grant! He has a white face, but he's got a black heart."

*BRITISH PERSPICACITY*

Charles Francis Adams was escorting an English friend about Boston. They were viewing the different objects of attraction and came finally to Bunker Hill. They stood looking at the splendid monument, when Mr. Adams remarked:

"This is the place, sir, where Warren fell."

"Ah!" replied the Englishman, evidently not very familiar with American history. "Was he seriously hurt by his fall?"

Mr. Adams looked at his friend. "Hurt!" said he, "he was killed, sir."

"Ah! indeed!" the Englishman replied, still eying the monument and commencing to compute its height in his own mind. "Well, I should think he might have been--falling so far."

*A FUNNY DOG*

Mildred is a bright little girl of six. The other day she was with her mother in the park when she saw a dog whose species was entirely new to her.

That evening she thus described it to her father:

"It was such a funny dog, father; it looked about a dog and a half long, and only half a dog high; and it had only four legs, but looked as if it ought to have six."

Needless to say, the father recognized from her graphic description that Mildred had seen a dachshund.

*A LINCOLN STORY*

In 1862 an intimate friend of President Lincoln visited him in Washington, finding him rather depressed in spirits as the result of the reverses then repeatedly suffered by the Federal troops.

"This being President isn't all it is supposed to be, is it, Mr. Lincoln?" said his visitor.

"No," Lincoln replied, his eye twinkling for a moment. "I feel sometimes like the Irishman who, after being ridden on a rail, said: 'If it wasn't for the honor av th' thing, I'd rather walk.'"

*MIGHT HAVE TAKEN IT*

An old negro was taken ill and called in a physician of his own race to prescribe for him; but the old man did not seem to improve, and eventually a white physician was summoned. Soon after his arrival, Dr. ---- felt the old man's pulse for a moment and then examined his tongue.

"Did your other doctor take your temperature?" he asked.

"I don't know, boss," the sick man answered feebly, "I hain't missed anything but my watch as yit."

*A NEW LEAF IN THE BOOK*

A New York man recently gained a Missouri girl for his bride by the elopement method. The girl was somewhat romantic, and when the ceremony had been performed and the telegram sent apprising her parents of what had taken place, she looked soulfully up into the eyes of her husband and said, "Dear, we have added a leaf to our book of life to-day, haven't we?"

"Yes," replied the happy groom, "I guess it must be the fly-leaf."

*A POWERFUL REMEDY*

One day, while running a fox, Major ---- was violently thrown and rendered insensible. Until a doctor could be procured, his old colored servant was asked to care for him. When the doctor arrived, he found the major quietly smoking on his veranda, and was curious to know what medicine had effected such miraculous results. Uncle John, being questioned, explained his mode of treatment as follows:

"Massa bus' his insides an' I give him allum an' rozum."

"What for?" asked the astonished physician.

"De allum to draw de parts togidder an' de rozum to sodder dem."

*DAMAGES ENOUGH*

An old colored woman was seriously injured in a railway accident. One and all her friends urged the necessity of suing the wealthy railroad corporation for damages.

"I 'clar' to gracious," she scornfully replied to their advice, "ef dis ole nigga ain't done git more'n nuff o' damages! What I'se wantin' now and what I'se done gwine to sue dat company foh is repairs."

*COALS TO NEWCASTLE*

A benevolent old gentleman one day saw a rural-looking man sitting on a stone wall swinging his legs and gazing earnestly at the telegraph wires. Going over to the yokel he said:

"Waiting to see a message go 'long, eh?"

The man grinned and said, "Ay."

The benevolent old gentleman got on the wall and for the next quarter of an hour tried hard to dispel his ignorance.

"Now," he said at last, "as you know something about the matter, I hope you will spread your knowledge among your mates on the farm."

"But I don't work on a farm," replied the rural citizen.

"Where, then, may I ask?"

"Me and my mates are telegraph linesmen and we are testing a new wire."

*KNEW HOW TO GET IT*

A prominent New Yorker has a wife who is a model of all the domestic virtues. Among her accomplishments is a talent for bread-making and she naturally takes great pride in having her loaves turn out well. One evening after setting her bread as usual, her eight-year-old son came running up-stairs crying, "Mamma, mamma, a mouse has jumped into your bread pan!"

The good woman was much perturbed. "Did you take him out?" she asked.

"No'm, but I did just as well. I threw the cat in, an' she's diggin' after him to beat the band!"

*STILL LOST*

Sir C. Purdon Clarke, during his New York visit, often went to the Metropolitan Museum unaccompanied, and walked homeward through Central Park. One afternoon, near the Obelisk, he saw a scantily clad woman crying, and spoke to her.

"I want to go to the Brooklyn bridge," she explained, "and I've lost my way."

Unaccustomed to New York street mendicants, the London art enthusiast supplied sympathy, directions as to route, and a liberal allowance of car fare. Three days afterward he was stopped by the same woman, who again wanted to go to the Brooklyn bridge.

"Goodness gracious!" exclaimed Sir Purdon, "haven't you got to the bridge yet?"

*A STORY OF LLOYD OSBORNE*

Lloyd Osborne, kinsman and collaborator of Robert Louis Stevenson, called on the cashier of a leading magazine one day, after vainly writing several times for a check due him.

"I am sorry," explained the cashier, "but Colonel So-and-So who always signs our checks, is confined at home with the gout."

"But, my dear man," expostulated the author-collector, "does he sign them with his feet?"

*DIDN'T MIND*

"I suppose, Jerry," said the eminent statesman, looking through his pocket-book for a new dollar bill, "like a lot of other folks nowadays, you would rather have clean money?"

"Oh, that's all right, Senator," said the cabman. "I don't care how you made your money."

*NOT UP-TO-DATE*

Thomas A. Edison is very fond of children. While on a visit recently he was endeavoring to amuse the son of the host, when the youngster asked him to draw an engine. Mr. Edison promptly set to work, and, thinking it would please the child, he added a couple of extra smokestacks and several imaginary parts. When the plan was completed the boy eyed it critically; then he turned to the inventor with disapproval in every feature.

"You don't know much about engines, do you?" he said with infantile frankness. "Engines may have been that way in your time, but they've changed a whole lot since then."

*LION AT LARGE*

At a certain school, in the "jograffy" class, the teacher had been at great pains to define and impress upon the children the meaning of the word "equator," defined as "an imaginary line which surrounds the world." When by repetition they were thought to have it letter perfect, she complimented them and told them to repeat it at home, and surprise their parents with the extent of their knowledge.

"Uncle, have you ever seen a quator?" said one little tot.

"No, my dear, I don't even know what it is."

"Why, it's a menagerie lion that runs round the world."

*CHARACTERISTIC PORTRAITURE*

A young man in a New England town started in the livery business, and one of the first things he did was to have a sign painted representing himself holding a mule by the bridle. He was particularly proud of this stroke of business enterprise, and asked of his wife:

"Is that not a good likeness of me?"

"Yes," she replied, "it is a perfect picture of you; but who is the fellow holding the bridle?"

*INNOCENCE ABROAD*

An old Southern darky was sent for the first time to the post-office to mail four letters, and was told to buy stamps for them.

"Boss," he said, looking in through the stamp window, "how much do it tek ter sen' fo' letters for Massa Johnson?"

"Eight cents," replied the clerk, from within the window.

"Dat so?" interjected the negro.

"Yes, uncle."

The old darky took out a leather bag and worried from it eight coppers. Laying these on the counter, he said:

"Well, yo' c'n let 'em go 'long."

"But where are the letters?" asked the clerk.

"Whar is day? Why, I done drapt 'em in de hole 'roun' yonder."

*DOUBTS*

There was a darky in southern Tennessee named Eph. Friday, who died a short time ago. Eph. was neither a member of a church nor of a lodge and thus had no one to deliver an address or prayer at his burial. At last an old uncle consented to say a few remarks for the departed soul. As the coffin was being lowered into the grave the old uncle said to the assembled mourners:

"Eph. Friday, we trusts you hab gone to de place whar we spects you ain't."

*FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS*

An army officer, in his expense list on Government service, put down:

"Porter, ten cents."

The officer was requested to report to the War Office, where he was told:

"While executing public duty refreshments are not chargeable to the nation."

"The item does not represent refreshments," replied the officer, "but a fee to a carrier."

"You should have said 'porterage,'" was then explained to him.

When the officer had occasion to take a hansom, remembering instructions, he wrote in his accounts:

"Cabbage, fifty cents."

*A CHEERFUL GIVER*

Bobby's father had given him a ten-cent piece and a quarter of a dollar, telling him he might put one or the other on the contribution plate.

"Which did you give, Bobby?" his father asked when the boy came home from church.

"Well, father, I thought at first I ought to put in the quarter," said Bobby, "but then just in time I remembered 'The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,' and I knew I could give the ten-cent piece a great deal more cheerfully, so I put that in."

*INHERITED*

Vincent was altogether too garrulous in school to please his teachers. Such punishments as the institution allowed to be meted out were tried without any apparent effect upon the boy, until at last the head master decided to mention the lad's faults upon his monthly report.

So the next report to his father had these words:

"Vincent talks a great deal."

Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this written in red ink under the comment:

"You ought to hear his mother."

*AN EXAMPLE*

The teacher was explaining to her scholars the meaning of the word "transparent." "Anything," she said, "is called transparent that can be seen through. Now, Willie, can you give me an example?"

"Yes, ma'am," replied the boy. "A hole in the fence at the baseball grounds."

*POINT OF VIEW*

A Wilkesbarre woman recently engaged as nurse a Scotch girl just come to this country.

It appears that one Sunday the lady induced the nurse, who is the strictest sort of Presbyterian, to attend a beautiful church just erected in Wilkesbarre.

When the girl returned her mistress asked her if she hadn't found the church a fine one.

"Yes, ma'am," responded the girl, "it is very beautiful."

"And the singing," said the lady, "wasn't that lovely?"

"Oh, yes," replied the nurse, "it was very lovely, ma'am, but don't you think it's an awful way to spend the Sabbath?"

*PAY INCREASED TO $4 RIGHT AWAY*

The boss was bending over a table, looking at the directory. The new office boy slipped up quietly and poked a note into his hand. The surprised boss opened it and read:

"Honored Sir--Yer pants is ripped."

*OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES*

"Why, Mabel," said a mother to her four-year-old daughter, "you've got one of your stockings on wrong side out."

"I put it on that way," explained the little miss, "'cause there's a hole on the other side."

*FOR ALL POSSIBLE EMERGENCIES*

"This is glorious!" exclaimed the fair maid, as the automobile struck a smooth stretch of country road, and the young man let the machine go at full speed. "But who are those two men that have been following us in a runabout all morning?"

"Never mind them," he replied. "One is the repair man, and the other's the surgeon."

*TIME FOR CHANGE*

Not long ago three scientific gentlemen from an Eastern institution visited a certain Montana mine. One of the men was evidently of a most nervous temperament, and on the ascent, by means of the usual bucket, he thought he perceived signs of weakness in the rope by which the bucket was suspended.

"How often," inquired he of the attendant, when the party was about half-way up, "how often do you change these ropes?"

"Oh, about every three months," carelessly replied the attendant. Then he added thoughtfully, "We'll change this one to-morrow, if we get up safely."

*INCOME DWINDLED*

An old negro who had been working for a cotton planter for many years, came to his employer and said:

"I'se gwine to quit, boss."

"What's the matter, Mose?"

"Well, sah, yer manager, Mistah Wintah, ain't kicked me in de las' free mumfs."

"I ordered him not to kick you any more. I don't want anything like that around my place."

"Ef I don't git any more kicks I'se gwine to quit. Every time Mistah Wintah used to kick and cuff me when he done git mad, he always git 'shamed of hisse'f and gimme a quarter. I'se done los' enuff money a'ready wid dis heah foolishness 'bout hurtin' mah feelin's."

*GETTING EVEN*

A young bride was recently invited to a bridge luncheon, and after spending a delightful afternoon was told by her hostess that she was in debt to the amount of seventy-five dollars.

Mrs. ----, unaware that she had been playing for money, mournfully confided her woes to her husband, and he immediately wrote a check for seventy-six dollars and fifty cents and sent it to the hostess.

The hostess, believing that a mistake had been made, informed him that he had sent a dollar and a half too much. Mr. ----, however, returned it with the curt statement that the seventy-five dollars settled the bridge score, and the balance was for his wife's luncheon.

*CHARGED THE JURY*

By some peculiar election twist, an old negro was elected a justice of the peace in the backwoods of Georgia.

His first case happened to be one in which the defendant asked for a trial by jury. When the testimony was all in and the argument had been concluded, the justice seemed somewhat embarrassed. Finally one of the lawyers whispered to him that it was time to charge the jury. Looking at the jury with a grim, judicial air, the judge said:

"Gentlemen ob de jury, sense dis is a very small case, I'll jes' charge y'all a dollar an' a ha'f a-piece."

*SHOULD BE FAMILIAR*

General Horace Porter told the following:

"In the mountains of New Hampshire I met one of the colored troops, who was still fighting nobly, driving a stage on a county route, and asked him, 'What is your name?'

"'George Washington, sah.'

"I said: 'That is a name that is well known to everybody in this country.'

"'I reckon, sah, it ought to be. I'se been drivin' heah evah since da wah.'"

*HE COULD CURE IT*

Dr. William Osler, of Johns Hopkins and Oxford, tells this story:

An old darky quack, well known in a certain section of the South, was passing the house of a planter whose wife was reported to be dangerously ill. Stopping at the gate he called to one of the hands:

"I say, Rastus, how's the missus?"

"Well," replied Rastus, "the doctah done say dis mawnin' dat she convalescent."

"Humph! Dat ain't nothin', chile," said the old quack, with an air of superior wisdom. "Why, I've done cured convalescence in twenty-foah hours!"

*THE NEW NATURAL HISTORY*

A hard-working fancy dealer had ransacked the whole shop in his efforts to please an old lady who wanted to purchase a present--"anything real nice"--for her granddaughter. For the fifteenth time she picked up and critically examined a neat little satchel.

"Are you quite sure that this is genuine alligator skin?" she inquired.

"Positive, madam," quoth the dealer. "I shot that alligator myself."

"It looks rather soiled," said the lady.

"That, madam, is where it struck the ground when it tumbled off the tree."

*DURABILITY WANTED*

A New York editor tells a story of a man who was the father of twelve children, all of whom had been rocked to sleep by the same toe and in the same cradle. The toe stood it all right, but the cradle had begun to show signs of wear toward the end of the rocking period of the twelfth.

"John," said the wife one day, looking fondly at the cradle at her side, "this old cradle has done good service, but it is about worn out. I am afraid it is nearly gone!"

"That's right," assented the husband. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a ten dollar bill. "Here you are. Next time you go to the city get a new one. Get a good one this time; one that'll last."

*MEN NOT EQUAL*

Some years ago the Chief Justice of the United States found that the tire of one of his wheels was loose and kept slipping off. Coming to a little stream he drove into it and got one little section of the wheel wet; then drove out and backed his horse, and the same part of the wheel went into the water again. Thus he kept going backward and forward, all the time wetting the same part of the wheel.

A negro saw the situation and told the justice to back into the water again. He did so, and the negro took hold of the spokes of the wheel and, turning it slowly, soon had it wet all around.

"Why, I never thought of that," cried the chief justice.

"Well," replied the darky, "some men just nat'ly have more sense than others."

*CRUELTY OF SCIENCE*

A little boy was once given two images of plaster, coated on the outside with pink sugar. He wanted to eat the images, but he was warned on no account to do so.

"They are poison," he was told. "If you eat them, it will kill you."

However, the boy was dubious. He been cheated before this by grown-up people. Finally he had a young friend to spend the day with him, and that night it was discovered that one of the images had disappeared. His mother, nearly frantic, rushed to him.

"Harold," she said, "where is that pink image?"

Harold frowned, as he answered defiantly: "I gave it to Richard, and if he's alive to-morrow, I'm going to eat the other one myself."

*A LITERAL SCHOLAR*

A professor of the Cornell Law School tells the following story of a student in one of his freshmen classes:

The members of the class had been answering questions in moot-court, and the subject under discussion was a cow which had been killed by a railway train. Each student was required to fill out a paper on the case.

"This brilliant youth," says the professor, "wrote with all seriousness after 'Disposition of the Carcass': 'Mild and gentle.'"

*ESTABLISHED HIS IDENTITY*

In a Kentucky court room, a prominent lawyer of that state was defending a prisoner charged with horse stealing, and a witness was swearing as to the identity of the stolen horse.

"How do you know this is the same horse?" asked the lawyer.

"Why, I just know it is," said the witness.

"Well, how?" again asked the man of law.

"I can't tell exactly how; but I know it is as well as I know that you are General H----."

"Well, how do you know that I am General H----?"

"Because just before dinner I heard Mr. C---- say, 'General H----, let's go and take a drink, and you went."

*WAS REMARKED BEFORE*

A certain good clergyman was once riding in a city street-car, and when passing a large and very handsome church a fellow-passenger turned to him and said:

"If these Christians would stop building fine churches and give the money to the poor, it would be more to their credit."

"I've heard that remark before," was the quiet rejoinder.

"Indeed! and by whom, may I ask?"

"Judas Iscariot!" was the crushing answer.

*A NOVEL PULPIT*

A Washington correspondent of a religious paper recently assigned to the Rev. Dr. S---- a rather novel pulpit. The Doctor had preached from the text, "The gates of hell shall not prevail against you." He must have been not a little surprised, if he saw the account of the sermon, to read in the words of the correspondent, "Dr. S---- then preached from the gates of hell."

*CAUGHT IN HIS OWN NET*