Chapter L: The Apple-Green Chevalier

It was eleven o'clock in the morning; the weather was dry and cold; the wind was from the north; and they who were obliged to go abroad on business walked rapidly, and sometimes took the risk of running, in order to return the sooner to their homes.

However, in that sharp atmosphere, which is not uncommon toward the end of December, two young men were crossing Pont-Neuf very slowly, noses in air, looking from side to side, stopping before the most trivial objects, scrutinizing with a curious eye even the dogs that passed, and which they sometimes seemed inclined to follow; in a word, these two individuals sauntered along like people with nothing better to do, albeit their garments were ill calculated to protect them from the inclement weather.

Their short-clothes, which were threadbare through long service, displayed here and there an occasional rent which had been awkwardly patched with material of a different color; their jackets, which took the place of doublets, were too long for them, lacked several buttons, and were worn through at the elbows; and lastly, the caps which covered their heads were entirely shapeless, and did not even conceal the tips of their ears.

In these two companions in idling and evil fortune the reader will already have recognized the two clerks whom Maître Bourdinard had dismissed from his employment.

"Do you know that it's terribly cold this morning, Bahuchet?"

"Pardieu! do I know it? I feel it quite as keenly as you; except on the head, however, as I have hair to protect me, whereas you--naught!--You must regret your plaster at this moment; you were wrong to take it off, Plumard, for it made a sort of little skullcap for you."

"Do you propose to begin your wretched jests again, Bahuchet? I give you warning that I am in no mood to put up with them!"

"Come, come! let us not quarrel, my dear fellow; that won't give us a breakfast, and that is what we must have. My stomach has a shockingly hollow ring, and fasting doesn't warm one's blood."

"No, indeed--far from it!"

"I thought that you would go to see your uncle the clothes dealer, Plumard. What the devil! if he should give you nothing but a cloak to carry you through the winter,--and that would be the least he could do for his nephew,--you might try to get a cloak large enough to make each of us one."

"I went to my uncle's this morning, while you were still asleep in that dram shop where we passed the night. But he received me so unkindly that I have no desire to go there again. He called me vagabond, good-for-nothing, robber--all on account of that miserable orange-colored suit that we consumed together, and for which he arrested that long-legged Chevalier Passedix!--Oh! he has that episode on his stomach!"

"What a fuss to make over a few faded duds! What's the use of having uncles if they let you freeze to death?"

"Holy forks! how hungry I am!"

"Rascally solicitor, to turn us into the street!"

"It's all the fault of that lanky, ill-built Gascon, who went to him and told him the story of the orange costume!"

"And all the offices are supplied with clerks--no place to be found!"

"If we could only find some other business!"

"It's all one to me; I would take anything that was open!"

"Even if it was a cook's place?"

"Pardieu! I would take it, I would turn cook with all my heart! Can you imagine a more alluring trade at this moment? To stand in front of a nice hot oven and smell the odor of a number of saucepans from which you always select the choicest bits?"

"Yes, I agree that that would be more agreeable than walking on Pont-Neuf in such weather as this! But as it isn't probable that we can find places even as scullions, I think that, in order to avoid starvation, we had best allow ourselves to be kidnapped by a sergeant in the king's service, and decide to serve our country as best we can!"

"What do you say, Plumard? Enlist--go into the army--carry a musket! Nay, nay! by all the devils, that is not my vocation! Though I should have to take another turn in my saddle girth and drink nothing but water, I propose to retain my liberty."

"Oh, well! don't be so disturbed, my poor Bahuchet! you won't be enlisted. Indeed, you know very well that, even if you wanted to go for a soldier, they wouldn't take you! you're too small! you haven't the build!"

Bahuchet bit his lips and elevated his nose, as he rejoined, with a mocking smile:

"If they don't want short men in the army, I fancy they don't care much about having bald-headed ones either."

"You are an ass, my boy; as a soldier never goes bareheaded, either in battle or on parade, he is entitled to have no hair if he pleases."

"You lie; it's part of the uniform; soldiers have their hair dressed--they wear pigtails."

"I have some hair at the back of my head, to make a pigtail if need be."

"Oh! that would be very pretty! a pigtail hanging from a pate as bald as one's knee!"

"It would be quite as pretty as a dwarf in uniform, whose sword dragged on the ground!"

"Plumard, I believe that you are pining for a drubbing!"

"No; but I am pining to administer one; that will warm me."

"Indeed!--Well, I don't choose to receive one.--Look you, dear boy, it is hunger that embitters our dispositions and makes us quarrelsome. The proverb is very true: when there's no hay in the manger, the donkeys fight."

"So you liken us to donkeys, eh?"

"Plumard, that proverb was made for men as well as for beasts.--Speaking of beasts, cast your eye on that little dog running along yonder; how clean and plump he is!"

"Are you inclined to eat that dog, I should like to know?"

"I' faith! in default of other viands, it might not be so bad. You, who had an idea of going for a soldier, ought to know that in a town beleaguered and besieged by the enemy they eat everything: dogs, cats, rats!--Indeed, an old archer told me that one time, when he was in a besieged place, he ate birds that had been stuffed and kept under glass several years."

"They must have made a sorry feast.--But the dog has stopped; if we could induce him to follow us, even if we had to use a little force, we could sell him to a dog fancier and get the wherewithal to gnaw a crust."

"You are right--come; let us act as if we did not see him. I will go ahead, you stay behind, and we will surround the cur."

The two clerks quickened their pace, walking in the direction of the dog they coveted, which had stopped to sniff a multitude of things. Bahuchet was very near him, and was trying to coax him by talking to him in an endearing tone; but just as he was about to put his hand on the animal's collar, a heavy, callous hand roughly pushed his away, and a hoarse voice exclaimed:

"Don't touch my dog, little jackanapes! He hasn't done anything to you--why do you put your hand on him?"

"Pardon me, monsieur," replied Bahuchet, bowing low to the dog's owner, a man of the people, with square shoulders and a face as rugged as his hands; "I had no intention to injure this pretty spaniel; but he is so handsome, so well trimmed, that I admired him and felt a desire to pat him--that is all!"

"Oh, yes! oh, yes! I've heard that before! They make believe to pat our dogs, and then, when no one is looking, they carry 'em off under their cloaks. Pont-Neuf is always crowded with a pack of pickpockets, sneak thieves, cutpurses!"

"Monsieur! I believe that you are insulting me! Do I look like a sneak thief? I couldn't put your dog under my cloak, because I have none."

"Why did you put your hand on him? You don't look as if you had any too much cash; go and have your elbows patched--that will be better than patting other people's dogs!"

The owner of the spaniel walked away with his animal, and Bahuchet returned with a crestfallen air to Plumard, who had deemed it prudent to stand aloof.

"Did you hear that clown, that clodhopper, that pig?--If I had not held myself in check, I should have gashed his face!"

"You did well to restrain yourself; that man would have made but one mouthful of you!--It's a shot that missed fire, that's all!"

"Yes, let us try to find something better. Bigre! how cold I am!"

"Fichtre! how hungry I am!"

The two comrades walked on, exploring Pont-Neuf with famished eyes. Suddenly Bahuchet stopped and uttered an exclamation of delight.

"It is he! it is certainly he!"

"Who, pray? do you see another dog?"

"I see someone who, unless we are fools, will pay for our breakfast, and perhaps even more than that."

"Who is it?"

"Look, over yonder! Do you see that long beanpole dressed in apple-green? Don't you recognize him?"

"Yes, indeed; it's our heir, the Chevalier de Passedix; but it seems to me that he has changed his color."

"Come, Plumard, come; imitate me, second me, talk as I do--and a new fortune will shine upon us!"

Thereupon little Bahuchet doubled the length of his strides, his comrade followed his example, and they soon stood in front of Passedix, who was strutting nonchalantly across Pont-Neuf, glancing out of the corner of his eye to see whether the women who passed admired his bearing and his attire, and casting upon the common herd patronizing glances which seemed to say:

"Stand aside! I am rich--you must make room for me; I require a great deal."

The Gascon chevalier was, in truth, in very comfortable case; six thousand livres at that period were equivalent to fifteen thousand in these times. Passedix, not being a gambler, did not find it easy to spend his income; for the women did not welcome his homage; moreover, his passion for Miretta still smoldered in the depths of his heart and prevented him from falling in love with other charmers. So that he could spend his money only at the table; and, despite his hearty appetite, he could not succeed in eating his whole income, especially as his stomach, as a result of overwork, began to show symptoms of sloth and to demand rest from time to time.

Passedix therefore seemed but little surprised when he saw two persons halt in front of him, bow to the ground, and remain in that humble posture, which prevented him from going forward.

"What is it? what is the matter? what do you want, little fellows?" queried the chevalier, caressing his chin with one hand and placing the other on his hip.

"Monsieur le Chevalier de Passedix, permit us to offer you our respects; we are so happy to have this honor! Does not monsieur le chevalier recognize us?"

"Sandis! how do you suppose that I can recognize you? you show me only your posteriors!--Rise, if you wish me to see your faces!"

Bahuchet and Plumard stood erect, the latter having decided to uncover his head.

"Ah! cadédis! now I recognize you, my knaves!--This is the little bald-head!--It was you who sold me the famous orange costume that you filched from the dealer in second-hand clothes!"

"He was my uncle, monsieur le chevalier--an old skinflint, who gave it to me and then accused me----"

"Oh! it matters little now; I have forgotten that trifle!--But you seem to me, both of you, to be in rather a sorry plight!"

"Alas! monsieur le chevalier, we are without employment. Maître Bourdinard--er--discharged us, on the pretext that we ate too much!"

"The idiot! I would like to be able to eat too much, myself; but for some time past my appetite has fallen off; it is becoming as whimsical as a woman."

"We are looking for places, monsieur le chevalier, and, i' faith! Plumard and I were strolling along Pont-Neuf, when some ladies, as they passed us, cried: 'Oh! see that handsome man over there, dressed all in apple-green! Just see, my dear, what a fine figure! how well he carries that elegant costume!'--Then we looked in the direction in which the ladies were looking, and on recognizing you, monsieur le chevalier, we were not surprised at the outburst of admiration from those bourgeoises."

Passedix's face fairly beamed with pleasure. He placed his hand on Bahuchet's shoulder, murmuring:

"Really! some ladies said that?"

"Yes, monsieur le chevalier;--isn't it so, Plumard?"

"It is the unadulterated truth; and there was one of them--the younger--who stopped and said in a faltering tone: 'Let us walk toward him!' but her companion, who was older, dragged her away, saying: 'No, no; I see that that cavalier has turned your head; come, you will do some foolish thing!'"

This time Passedix patted the second clerk's skull.

"Ah! capédébious! that young woman was attracted to me.--Ha! ha! these two little rascals are very nice fellows. I rather like this bald head, it reminds me of Dutch cheese, of which I am very fond.--Speaking of cheese, tell me, young men, have you breakfasted, or dined?"

"Neither, monsieur le chevalier; we have fasted since yesterday noon."

"And we have a devilish appetite."

"Why didn't you say so at once!--Come with me; at the end of Rue Saint-Jacques there's a wine shop where the wine is excellent; you will tell me what you think about it."

"Oh! with great pleasure, monsieur le chevalier; but what a beautiful cloak, what an exquisite doublet you have!"

"And these short-clothes! how dainty they are!"

"How this color becomes you! See! there is another fine lady stopping to look at you!"

"Sandis! I am accustomed to it.--Come, my friends, and put on your caps; I give you leave! Parbleu! I propose to regale you in the good old way!"

The two ex-clerks walked beside the Gascon chevalier, like two soldiers escorting a marshal of France. They arrived at the wine shop at the end of Rue Saint-Jacques. Passedix was known there, and, as he was now a good customer, the waiters served him with the greatest zeal. The chevalier selected a table, ordered three covers to be laid, and seated himself between his two guests, saying:

"What vexes me is that I cannot eat with you. I have already breakfasted twice, and I do not feel capable of dining at this moment. Formerly it would have been easy for me. On my honor, it is pitiful! When one becomes rich, one's capacities should be enlarged accordingly. But it is just the opposite! When I had not a sou, I ate four times as much; to be sure, I didn't eat every day. However, one can always drink, and that is something."

Bahuchet and Plumard conducted themselves in such wise as to augment the chevalier's regret for his lost appetite. The dishes simply appeared and disappeared before the ex-clerks; their plates were no sooner filled than they were as clean as if they had been washed; and this lasted for a considerable time. The two friends hardly took time to drink.

"Bravo! sandioux! this is magnificent! it is superb!" cried Passedix; "this is what I call eating--this is the way I used to work! It spurs one on! it sets one on edge! I am sure that in your company I should soon recover my former appetite!"

"Nothing prevents it, monsieur le chevalier; we are entirely at your service; and there is a very simple way to make sure that we shall always be at hand."

"What way is that, little one?"

"Attach us to your illustrious person! I believe that you have no esquire; you need one--a chevalier of your rank cannot do without an esquire; give me that post, and I will show myself worthy of the honor, on the faith of Plumard!"

"Eh! why, in truth, that is not a bad idea! An esquire--yes, that looks well; I will make him wear my livery."

"And I, seigneur," said Bahuchet, in his turn, "I offer myself as your page; for an esquire is not enough--you need a page to carry your billets-doux, your love messages--for you must send many of them!"

"Oh! to be sure, I send and receive a great many--that is to say, not so many as you might think, perhaps, because---- Look you, I am going to open my heart to you, to make you my confidants."

"That is too much honor for us, seigneur!"

"Understand that I nourish in the depths of my heart a passion which I have tried a hundred times to banish; but it is impossible; the witch constantly returns to torment me night and day!"

"Is monsieur le chevalier in love?"

"Pardieu! I should say as much! So much in love that I have lost my sleep, my wits, and even my appetite! for it probably is this infernal love that weighs on my stomach and impairs my digestion."

"Can it be that monsieur le chevalier's heart is fixed on a cruel fair! That is not possible."

"You are right, Plumard; it is not possible! There can be no cruel fair for monsieur le chevalier!"

"Mon Dieu! my boys,--what nice little fellows they are!--it is an extraordinary case, most assuredly! But if you knew the history of my love!--My heart is set upon a lovely female demon, whom I cannot see when I wish--who eludes me, flies from me! who vanishes when I think that I have her!"

"Monsieur le chevalier, whoever the object of your love may be, if you take me for your page, I will undertake, ere long, to make you the happy vanquisher of your inamorata!"

"And I take the same oath if I become esquire to Monsieur le Chevalier--apple-green--I mean de Passedix; he will see how we will forward his love affairs!"

"Very good! shake hands! it is a bargain; I attach you both to my person; you are my page, and you my esquire."

"Vive monsieur le chevalier!"

"I say nothing of wages--but whatever you receive will be yours."

"That is enough for us."

"Are you still hungry?"

"Always!"

"They are admirable!--Waiter, a succulent dish to close the repast; a fricassée of hare! that is your forte. And let us drink--let us even touch glasses--I will condescend so far.--Moreover, I know that you are young men of good breeding, ex-Basochians; for that reason, when I am alone, I will always admit you to my table."

"And we will give you an appetite, seigneur!"

"I rely upon it!"

The goblets were filled; they touched and drank. At that moment the waiter arrived with the last dish ordered; he came toward them and was on the point of placing it on the table, when Plumard, in a renewed outburst of enthusiasm, raised his arm and his glass so suddenly that he overturned upon Passedix the dish that the waiter had in his hands.

In an instant the chevalier was covered from top to toe with the fricassée of hare; his doublet and his short-clothes were drenched with it. Passedix swore like one possessed, and would have thrashed the waiter, who declared that it was not his fault. Plumard shouted even louder, so that no one should guess that it was his. Bahuchet, who alone had remained calm, observed, when the others had ceased their outcries:

"It was an accident! But since the harm has been done, monsieur le chevalier, it seems to me that, instead of losing your temper, which will do no good at all, it would be much better to think of repairing the disaster."

"Repair the disaster! Sandis! my doublet and my breeches are covered with grease. Such an elegant costume!--spoiled--ruined!--Can I show myself in this condition?--Luckily, I had taken off my cloak; otherwise it would undoubtedly have received its share of the fricassée!"

"I say again, seigneur, that the damage is not so great as you think; I know a dyer and cleanser on Rue Saint-Denis, who is renowned for his skill in removing spots from every kind of fabric; he will cleanse your clothes perfectly, and it will not cost you overmuch."

"Eh! cadédis! what care I for the cost? As if I ever looked at money! That is not what disturbs me! But in order to have my doublet and breeches cleansed, I must certainly take them off; so I shall be left almost naked--in shirt and cloak--and I cannot go home in that airy costume."

"Another suggestion, seigneur," said Plumard; "suppose we should go to some bathing establishment? You have eaten nothing, so you may safely take a bath; and while you are taking it, Bahuchet will run to the cleanser's with your clothes."

"Ah! that is not badly thought of! I approve my esquire's suggestion; I was just thinking that I should like to bathe."

"Master Hugonnet's baths are on this street, not far away; let us go there, seigneur."

"In that case, I must go out with this sauce all over me! That annoys me!"

"We will walk close beside you, seigneur, one on the right, the other on the left; and with your cloak, in addition, no one will see anything!"

"Very well, so be it!--Let us start at once for the baths; I am in haste to be cleansed!"

Passedix paid the bill and left the wine shop, flanked by his page and his esquire.